Today Could’ve Been The Last Day Of My Life...

1-3-18

Have you ever gone through something that you thought you would never get through? Have you ever felt like you were waving your hands in the air and screaming at people walking past and realizing that no one can hear you? That was me today. I made some bad decisions in my relationship in the past that have surfaced in the present which jeopardizes the future. Now i am a big girl and i can accept my wrong and no way am i trying to justify or get sympathy. But the one thing about not being honest is that when you finally are the odds of someone believing you are SLIM TO NONE. I have always been an emotional person and i love HARD. Even if my actions don’t show it at times i care about people so knowing that i hurt the one i love really bothers me. And having to accept the fact that this person may want to continue their life without you hurts even more. Yeah they are good days but there are also bad days. No relationship is perfect. But today i was at my desk at work and i looked in the mirror and for once i was disgusted at the face that was staring back at me. “Why would you do this?”. “Why not just be honest?” “What if he can’t forgive you”? All these questions just started hitting me at once. I felt like i was having a outer body experience. At that time 25 minutes into my work day i wrote my first (and last) suicide letter. It was 2 pages. The first page giving my information, the fact that i wasn’t murdered, and who to call for the care of my children. The second page was a note to Nahdir (my son), Brianna (my daughter), my boyfriend, my best friend and my friends. I read the letter over multiple times. I had everything planned out i was ready to remove myself and allow people to move on without me. I was ready to escape the pain and shame that i was feeling, not to mention the regret. My best friend sent me a text that said “how is your morning going?” it took my attention away from the letter. I felt myself getting overwhelmed with emotion so i decided to go outside for a walk on my 15 minute break, it was 15 degrees but i didn’t care i needed some air. As soon as i stepped outside i started to cry. I walked around the parking lot and just bawled, all my emotions flowing out. I went back to my desk and cried, went in the bathroom and cried. All the whole keeping a straight face because i was around my co-workers. My best friend text me and consoled me, encouraged me, cursed me out too lol. She told me to go in my phone and look at videos of my kids and of me and my boyfriend ( the happy moments in my life) and she reminded me that things can get back there. Nothing is permanent. Things just take time. The more i beat myself up over it the more damage i will do to myself internally. My kids who need me. All they mainly know is me. What will happen to them? Will they me raised separately? Will they be placed in foster care? Something neither one of them deserve no matter howwww much they irritate me. I looked in the mirror and i took a deep breath and right at my desk i prayed. At that moment i felt a sense of calm come over me. It’s like God laid his hand on my shoulder and all my emotions were wiped away just that quick.

It’s crazy because when people talk about committing suicide you may laugh and say “It can’t be that bad”. Or “Get it together and stop being so selfish and emotional”. But sometimes you may feel that you are in a situation that you feel like at the moment there is no way out of . I can say this NOTHING IS WORTH IT. I think about leaving my children and the pieces they would have to pick up and i want to smack myself. But at the moment i wanted and needed a way out. Unfortunately with all the things they have created so far a time machine isn’t one of them. There is no way to go backwards and right your wrongs. That’s why it’s important to get things right the first time. There will be a time where you mess up because no one is perfect but just make sure when and if you do that you own up to them. Also know that you can change the past but can control the present and the future. If not for anyone else then for you. Actions speak louder than words.

For anyone that may feel like they are in a situation of any kind that is drowning them and they feel like they don’t have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to please reach out to someone. Write, yell, cry, scream if you have to just don’t resort to taking your life. You deserve to enjoy this one precious life that you were granted.

Just know that if no one else forgives you God has already forgiven you. He has wiped your slate clean. Continue to be the person that you know that you can be and that you want people to see.

If this blog didn’t help you please call 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone.