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accioharrington · 24 hours

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sun & moon, james potter

pairing: james potter x fem!reader

synopsis: y/n is always in a bad mood, but james is always there to cheer her up

warning: none

word count: 0.9k

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ JAMES HAD ALWAYS BEEN the embodiment of sunlight—bright, cheerful, and perpetually optimistic. His smile could light up a room, and his laughter was infectious. On the other hand, Y/n was the grumpy, no-nonsense counterpart to his endless optimism. She was practical, realistic, and often cynical, finding James's unwavering cheerfulness both irritating and endearing.

They had met at a mutual friend’s party. James had been the life of the event, dancing and chatting with everyone, while Y/n had sat in a corner, nursing a drink and trying to avoid small talk. She had rolled her eyes at his antics, convinced he was just another overly enthusiastic extrovert. But then, he had approached her, his brown eyes twinkling with mischief.

"Hey there, wallflower. Mind if I join you?" he had asked, plopping down beside her without waiting for an answer.

Y/n had sighed, looking at him with her best withering stare. "If you must."

Instead of being deterred, James had grinned wider. "I must. You look like you need someone to brighten up your day."

"Or ruin it," Y/n muttered, but she couldn't deny the spark of curiosity he ignited in her.

From that moment on, James had made it his mission to break through Y/n's grumpy exterior. He would show up at her favorite coffee shop with her usual order—black coffee, no sugar, no cream. He'd leave little notes on her desk at work, each one more ridiculous than the last. ("Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!") And somehow, despite her best efforts, Y/n found herself looking forward to his antics.

One evening, after a particularly stressful day at work, Y/n trudged home, her mood darker than usual. She found James waiting outside her apartment, a bouquet of sunflowers in his hand and a hopeful smile on his face.

"Thought you could use some sunshine," he said, offering her the flowers.

Y/n took the bouquet reluctantly, unable to suppress a small smile. "Thanks, James. But flowers won't fix my day."

"Maybe not," he agreed, "but they might make it a little better."

As the weeks turned into months, Y/n realized she had fallen for James's relentless optimism. He was like a ray of sunshine in her otherwise cloudy life, and she found herself basking in his warmth. James, in turn, adored Y/n's practicality and honesty. She kept him grounded, and he loved the challenge of making her smile.

One Saturday morning, Y/n woke up to the smell of pancakes. She stumbled into the kitchen to find James humming a tune as he flipped pancakes on the stove. He was wearing an apron that read, "Kiss the Cook," and Y/n couldn't help but roll her eyes.

"Good morning, sunshine," James said, turning to flash her a bright smile.

"What's so good about it?" she grumbled, rubbing her eyes.

James's smile softened, and he walked over to give her a quick kiss on the forehead. "You're awake, and you're here with me. That's pretty good, don't you think?"

Y/n snorted but couldn't hide the affection in her eyes. "If you say so."

They sat down to breakfast, and James launched into a story about his latest adventure—helping a neighbor fix a broken fence, which had somehow turned into a comedy of errors. Y/n listened, her grumpy demeanor slowly melting away as she laughed at his animated retelling. James's heart soared every time she laughed; it was the sweetest sound in the world to him, a rare and precious treasure.

After breakfast, James dragged Y/n out for a walk in the park. She grumbled about the cold and the early hour, but he kept up a steady stream of chatter, pointing out interesting sights and making her laugh with his silly observations. Each laugh from Y/n was like a personal victory for James, filling him with joy and a sense of accomplishment.

As they walked, James took her hand, swinging their arms gently. "You know, Y/n, I was thinking…"

"That's dangerous," she teased, but her heart skipped a beat. James only got that serious look in his eyes when he was about to say something important.

"I know I can be a bit much sometimes," he said, his tone more subdued. "But I hope you know how much you mean to me. You're my rock, my anchor. I love you, grumpy and all."

Y/n stopped walking, turning to look at him. His brown eyes were earnest, filled with love and a hint of vulnerability. She felt a warmth spread through her chest, and for once, she didn't feel the need to hide behind her grumpiness.

"I love you too, James," she said softly. "Even though you're annoyingly cheerful."

James's face lit up with a smile so bright it could rival the sun. He pulled her into a tight hug, and Y/n couldn't help but feel grateful for the ray of sunshine that had entered her life.

As the months passed, their relationship only grew stronger. They balanced each other perfectly—James's optimism tempered by Y/n's realism, and Y/n's grumpiness softened by James's cheerfulness. They faced challenges together, finding strength in their differences and joy in their love.

One evening, as they sat on the couch, James turned to Y/n with a mischievous grin. "You know, I've been thinking…"

"There you go again," Y/n said, though her eyes twinkled with amusement.

"I think we should get a cat," James said, his grin widening. "A grumpy one, just like you."

Y/n raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? And what makes you think I want a cat?"

"Because," James said, leaning in to kiss her nose, "even grumpy people need a little sunshine in their lives."

Y/n couldn't argue with that. As she snuggled closer to James, she realized that she didn't mind being the grumpy one—as long as she had her sunshine by her side.

#marauders #marauders fanfiction #james potter #james potter x reader #james potter x y/n #james fleamont potter #james potter fluff #james potter imagine #grumpy x sunshine

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starlitwishes · 1 year

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@narvvhal

"Hey, remember that time a certain idiot pretended to be a porn bot and got banned for it?"

You weren't even here for that, Wrenn!

#v; maybe i've had one too many #I WAS RETELLING THE STORY TO MY FRIEND AND I JUST #IT CRACKS ME UP EVERY TIME #AND WRENN WANTED TO BULLY CHILDE ABOUT IT FORGIVE ME

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vanweezer · 2 months

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that type of person who you think you'd be friends with in every universe - expressed through jim & corey - id/transcript in alt text

so this is a kind of not-so-surprise for my friend @sinclarsupremacy , bc they were the first person i showed this two and was on the phone with me the whole time while i made it. didn't give a single thing away until everything was scanned and done. five dead pens and one reliable sharpie later, i show him this. wanted to get used to drawing the slipsour guyz more but also wanted to articulate something i have troubles saying to important people. this is kind of an ode to all my close friends ive made who i definitely wouldve hung around some graveyards with, and an ode to some bands i didnt know id like as much as i do 🫶

#corey taylor #jim root #also based on that one jim page where they called him the 'group ghoul' and talked about how hed get nightmares #of a flaming head telling him he was gonna burn in hell #ill tell you one thing. having dorks like nate in my life wouldve saved ME some melodrama #however i am always melodramatic (eg: this very post) so maybe it just wouldve made things melodramatic-er #slipknot #stone sour #<- again purely organizational i dont wanna step on anyones toes #artings #nate tag #dunno if i should tag this as #rpf #but considering this is a story ive growth'd from my dome. fictional retellings of irl doofuses & whatnot. whateva #prolly gonna go on a sideblog soon. you know how it goes #also im sorry jimberly i made you have the silhouette of a yugioh character #if this is rpf in the traditional sense call it the au where jim and corey are able to shoot the breeze like this #in a way that isnt insanely passive aggressive or terribly jokey or downright explosive. yknow how they be #drinking game: take a shot each time jim says yknow or coreys fucking HAT deteriorates in quality #tell your friends that you would be friends in every universe

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mourninglamby · 4 months

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i wish the dsmp was yours and it was a comic or something. literally so gorgeous

thaaaaank you darling I do also wish I could make a big comic with a team of ppl… would be so cool

#I have a daydream where #I get all my friends together #writers and artists #and we start making an actual comic retelling (and doing it better than)#the source material #we would have a patreon for updates + early access to new pages #+ other rewards based on tiers like requests #and design polls #and maybe even side story polls for characters that need an extra push #or just original scenes scripted by us..#sighs dreamily

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living-ironically · 6 months

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i have no idea whats happening at my gym

#there is a guy who regularly comes in and has a giant tattoo of a swastika #i get that there are other possible meanings behind it but #just why would you #also besides him we have a retired PE prof #who just comes with his client these 3 old ladies #and then they first talk for like 30 mins he’s retelling whatever stories and they are alll over him #and then later on gives them the most suggestive excercises to do #which tbh i dont even get what would literally sitting on a ball and bouncing do but???#and everyone is just okay with this except for two of my friends and me???#tbh i want what he has (this old prof)#apparently such a babe magnet what can i tell you

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compacflt · 2 years

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this is actual agony i have 20k words about ice and slider’s friendship between 1978 and 2022 but i have to cut it down to like 5k words so its not so damn repetitive. this is what we in the writing business call killing your darlings but damn if it doesn’t hurt so bad

#honestly waffling about whether to publish it at all #it’s like. Really repetitive & just retelling pretty much the same story #and goes into a truly obscene amount of detail about #slider getting a commercial pilots license to fly with American Airlines #bc he always wanted to be a pilot #it’s basically just 20k words of the following dynamic over 45 years:#slider: it’s ok to be gay and you’re my best friend #ice: you’re my best friend too but like im not gay bro i swear im not gay #*mav dies*#ice: ok maybe i am gay do you wanna be the best man at my wedding?#the thing is it was kinda like benefit of the doubt before #but once i publish this you guys will realize how little i care about #any character in top gun who isn’t Ice to be honest #realizing that everything ive written is just ice from different angles #top gun #when we get around to talking about it #icemav #tom iceman kazansky #top gun fanfiction #ron slider kerner

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theheadlessgroom · 7 months

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@beatingheart-bride

The invitation in the mailbox surprised Randall when he checked it: He never got mail, never-why would he? Were it not for the beautiful scarlet wax seal emblazoned with an elegant cursive G, he might have just disregarded it and thrown it away.

Taking it inside as he fixed himself a cup of coffee, he was in the midst of taking a sip when his eyes registered the invitation, and he very nearly choked on his coffee as he realized what he was being invited to. Through watery eyes, Randall stared at the invitation (a very lavish-looking one, reserved no doubt for the Gracey's wealthiest friends), before looking to the additional letter, penned by Dorian, explaining his little plan and assuaging any fears his best friend may have had about attending the engagement party.

(A good thing too, because Randall was initially reluctant to accept, worried his presence might spoil everything-Dorian really had thought of everything, really, reassuring him that everything would be just fine.)

Still, as he looked over the letter and the invitation, certain now that he'd be there with bells on, he still couldn't help but think to himself: What would I wear? It wasn't like he could afford to run out and buy a new suit just for the party...

...but he could afford to make himself something new.

Reinvigorated, Randall grabbed his sketch journal and a fresh cup of coffee as he rushed upstairs to his sewing machine (a hand-me-down from his mother), grabbing an armful of fabric as he opened the window, allowing the mercifully cool breeze (and the nearby band music wafting through the air) to fill his room as he sat down, took a swig of coffee, and got to work.

#((oh my god; you mentioning the video game just now unlocked a MEMORY for me!))#((when i was a teenager; i spent my birthday at the local amusement park with my friends))#((and at one of the booths; one of the 'shoot the clown in the mouth with a stream of water' games))#((there was-and i shit you not-a 'foodfight!' doll! i don't know who it was))#((i just KNEW it was from 'foodfight' and i REALLY wanted to win one))#((just to say i had it/gawk over it with my friends but alas; i didn't get it!))#((but i digress! the story of the film is so absolutely BONKERS; that someone looked at this idea))#((of retelling 'casablanca' essentially with food mascots; with a LOT of adult humor thrown in for good measure))#((and was like 'oh yeah. oh hell yeah; this is gonna be HUGE!'))#((the fact that they were SO confident that this was gonna turn into a multi-media franchise))#((with toys and games; a spin-off tv show; just a multimillion dollar franchise!))#((i mean i understand when something's your passion project; you have a lot of faith in it))#((but uh...i'm not sure that would've happened even if the film hadn't had to have been started over!))#((it's just so bizarre!))#outofhatboxes #beatingheart-bride #V:Days of Future Past

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dollfairy · 10 months

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avoiding comparison in polyamory is sage advice -- don't compare yourself to your partners' other partners to avoid stoking insecurities, don't compare your partners to one another bc it's unkind and unproductive -- but when you have the same experiences/activities done with different people, it's so hard not to compare at least a little

still fresh from my recent breakup, I went to the botanical gardens with one of my other partners, and it was hard not to compare this visit to going with my ex last summer

when I went w my ex, I info-dumped about Japanese garden design principles and then sheepishly thanked him for coming with me, and he gave me the kindest compliment I've ever received -- that my passion was infectious, that he was amazed by how much I knew, and that I single-handedly sparked an interest in the topic for him

fast forward to this year, with my newer partner...we go, and I take him on the best path through the garden, and talk about why it's the best path, and he seems mildly interested but mostly just wants to look at the koi :')

#and i know it actually doesnt reflect on anything meaningful about our connection or our relationship #and they're two different people and i love them for who they are and their differences enrich my understanding of them #but its hard not to ache and wonder when my ex stopped being enchanted by my passion and how we got here #and if there is anyone who will ever say such a kind thing to me again #my info-dumping is a tender spot for me bc in classic adhd fashion i love talking about my passions and i sometimes retell the same stories #and ive been made fun of a little even by well meaning and well intentioned friends and lovers for it #but my ex also had adhd and i felt he understood me in a way i hadnt been understood before bc how could anyone without the same brainweird #possibly understand that part #and now he's gone and i feel like he was the only one who thought my infodumping was a beautiful thing #im sorry for all this it just hits me so acutely sometimes and i feel the full force of what i lost when that relationship deteriorated #and then so abruptly ended without any chance for it to be saved #personal

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rosykims · 1 year

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nathaniel crushing on ella has never really felt right in my head bc they strike me as more platonic comrades but um. well. now im thinking abt nathaniel and ASHARA

#oc: ashara #back in my convoluted retelling of post-dai lore era <3 #i like to imagine the deep roads dlc occuring like a year and a bit after the main game ends + solas leaves #so blackwalls long gone and become a grey warden but nate (acting warden commander after ella dips)#hears abt the 'disaster in the deep roads' issues and visits skyhold w blackwall in order to like. assist. idk #anyways hes like oh ive heard so many awful stories about u from blackwall <3 #and asharas like yeah theyre all true <3 #but shes also less Villanous than he'd expected. and also she's calmed down now that things are peaceful and shes #well. not over solas at all lol but shes doing her best ! aka Never talking about him #so yeah anyways then they most definitely fuck before she leaves #just a casual thing. i doubt hes all that impressed by her controversial arcane takes like solas wouldve been #and she literally thinks his whole order is kind of dumb so it probably closer resembles a rivalmance than anything #but shes lonely lol ! and hes just as grumpy and serious as she is but also mature and easygoing abt these things #so it just works :) and then afters they meet up every now and then. no feelings at first but they do end up actually becoming friends lol #ok anyways bye

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gayofthefae · 1 year

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AND IF WE GET AN IN-WORLD CYRANO REFERENCE? WHAT THEN??

They are still gonna be in High School, right? Because if their English class mentions Cyrano de Bergerac like they mentioned Phineas Gage in season 2 I will lose my SHIT. Even just a background poster. Please.

Cyrano de Bergerac is academically pertinent...that’s all I’m saying.

#will raises his hand #'teacher is that like what i did with my best friend when i passed my feelings off as his girlfriend's?'#mike is sitting there shook and will looks at him like #'what? it was just an example'#byler speculation #st speculation #stranger things #i LOVE the cyrano de bergerac trope #it's so juicy #i can't believe they elevated from just 'gets too into a fake confession' all the way to CYRANO DE FUCKING BERGERAC #and to anyone who doesn't know Cyrano is a Shakespeare story about a man who writes love letters to a woman but signs them with another man'#s name so that other man can be with her #spoiler: cyrano gets the girl because she was in love with the writer not the man she thought it was when she was interacting with him #also watch the half of it on netflix which is another queer retelling of it - like this #it's lesbians

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mothboiwrites · 1 year

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i want qpr hades and persephone. i believe it’ll make everyone happy and i’m so incredibly smart which makes me right.

just imagine, bored persephone, knowing she isn’t meant to be a fertility goddess but not wanting to leave her mother behind because she loves her. meanwhile hades feels a connection towards her because she has death queen vibes and also seems super cool. this feeling is intensified by eros however, acting on his mother’s behalf since hades’s is out of her reach. he doesn’t think too much about it and is like “ah yes, these feelings are love. after all my brothers said it was bound to happen eventually.” then he goes and asks zeus’s permission to marry her, takes his advice to just yoink her, and is now left with an angry, sad goddess and no concrete plan on what to do from there.

meanwhile demeter is hella pissed and wants to know where her daughter is. apollo is like “oh her, yea she got Got.” demeter immediately takes it up with zeus. he shrugs her off. she falls further in to grief even as helios and hectate try to comfort her. finally she decides to go to hang with the people where she pretends to be an old woman and gets a job as a nanny/nurse made to help with empty-nesting pains. she tries making the baby immortal to spare him and his parents her grief but they panic since she’s literally tossing the baby in a fire. that was the last straw needed for her to just go on strike and start killing people.

back to the duo, hades has managed to explained that they are now married and she is now queen of the underworld along side him and has the same authority as him. this was mildly challenging since persephone is fucking feral and immediately tries mauling him. she does pause at the mention of being queen of the underworld. its a chance she’ll never get again and she isn’t going to let it slide just because the circumstances are… complicated. after threatening him a bit to make sure he’s being honest, she stops trying to rip his face off and agrees as long as he doesn’t push his boundaries. hades, uncomfortable with the idea of forcing her and wanting to be patient, agrees to her terms and they awkwardly navigate marriage. slowly they find out hades doesn’t particularly feel romantic love towards her and is just appreciative of her companionship and feels a connection with her due to her death queen vibes. persephone decides she like hades for his fair, respectful, and mildly awkward personality and not just for the status he has brought her. they do bonding shit idk. she grows to appreciate her title as hades’s wife just as much as her title as queen of the underworld. still, her new found power does little to heal the longing for her mother in her heart.

finally after months, demeter’s plan has come to fruition. little by little the growth has dying and humans have being stuck in an never ending famine that only gets worse as the world grows colder and colder. zeus finally cracks and sends hermes to bring persephone back home. demeter smiles to herself and prepares for her daughter’s return.

hermes tells the two the news and persephone is overjoyed to see her mother again, laughing at the news of her mother forcing zeus to listen. hades fondly watches but can’t get rid of the lingering feelings of insecurity that persephone won’t return ever since he and the underworld mean little to her when compared with her mother. the bight before she is meant to leave he brings a pomegranate, a wedding tradition. she looks at him knowingly as he rambles about it until he breaks down and tries to explain his insecurities without having to explain them. she pieces together what he’s saying, hugs him, and eats some of the seeds, promising to come back. he promises that he’ll the best husband he can and that she’ll have all the respect she deserves as queen from but mortal and god.

finally demeter and persephone are reunited. their reunion is joyful and lively. persephone excitedly tells her mother everything that happened, assuring her she is just as much as kore, her daughter as she is persephone, bringer of death and queen of the underworld. demeter grimaces but accepts her daughter’s marriages and freedom. still, she can help but to fall back into her depression as the days pass without persephone by her side, cause fall and eventually winter.

and boom main plot.

side plots include:

• persephone making good on hades promises to make sure she’s properly respected by crushing plant minthe under her heel

• persephone helping hades calm cerberus down after heracles beats him

• hades and persephone fucking with theseus and pirithous

• persephone and hades just generally messing around as platonic spouse rulers of a land of the dead

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navree · 2 years

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americans are whack why would you wanna retell the trojan war making achilles a trans woman (you know, the violent misogynistic man who is canonically a rapist and has repeatedly violated and attempted to violate the bodies of numerous cis women while both alive AND dead who at one point full on says the only reason he regrets violently murdering a cis woman is because she was hot and he wanted to fuck her as well as someone who is famed for having desecrated societal norms so egregiously the gods themselves had to intervene and whose only saving grace is his same sex love affair with another man) when a retelling with helen of troy (you know, literally the most beautiful woman in the world who is blamed for a shitton of violence done not just unto her but ‘because’ of her when it isn’t even her fault) as a trans woman is right there

#personal #like i mean write the stories you want ultimately #but i don't know why you would want to heap achilles's woman hating baggage on a trans woman #like what purpose does that serve #(i mean other than making his love story with patroclus heterosexual)#but like if you want a trans woman at the center of a trojan war retelling so bad #literally pick anyone other than achilles #(well maybe also steer clear of shitstains like agammemnon and ajax)#i mean ideally pick none of the rapists because. i mean. you know.#anyway this is just something that's been bothering literally since my friend told me this was gonna be a book that will exist #and i maintain that focusing on helen in ANY capacity would be a damn sight more impressive and groundbreaking #than focusing on fucking achilles

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pagesofkenna · 1 year

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I'm plotting out this book based on my D&D OCs as if I was plotting out a campaign I'd be DMing, and when it comes to writing it I'm very tempted to fully roll dice to see what happens

#this is just the latest shiny writing idea I have but lets see how far this one gets lmao #basically I'm trying to retell the character arc of one of my D&D NPCs but other than that. I don't NEED anything specific to happen?#so if I go in just improvising the whole thing as I write it and then edit for cohesion afterward like. that sounds fine by me #I'm re-setting this character in my homebrew setting which I've been tinkering with literally since I started DMing #bc I'm really fascinated with the cosmology and world history I kinda threw together for this #also this is my Adaka story and if I actually DO finish it I'd wanna go back and re-tell the Halin story and then the Nadya story #without any of the actual PCs that showed up in those games bc I don't wanna use my friends' OCs or retell the story exactly?#so like. the Adaka story retells the arc I came up for that character but is also an excuse to explore outer planes stuff in this setting #the Halin story would be an excuse to explore Shadowfel lore in my setting #and the Nadya story an excuse to explore Feywild lore in my setting #and I have a host of unplayed PCs who'd help facilitate those explorations

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sunny-unclear · 8 days

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it’s graduation season and i feel like telling a story about the personal hell of having a similar name as someone else:

my diploma was taken by the wrong person at hs graduation. there was someone at my school with a very similar name to mine (i don’t use my birth name here, but it’s a name that can be shortened to another first name). so with fake names two people named alexander smith (me with a fake name) and alex smith-jones graduate in the same year and the school has all the diplomas in alphabetical order after the ceremony and you tell a faculty member your name and they give you yours. i had known ‘alex smith-jones’ existed since my freshman year bc the attendance software my school uses has pictures and the school had the wrong picture under my name (i don’t believe this was ever actually fixed despite me bringing it up to someone who could fix it); my mom was also called once bc the other person got a detention and didn’t actually go to it. i went to get my diploma after the other alex, so they ended up getting mine on accident, and they didn’t bother to check. i ended up getting my diploma back the next day, but based on what i heard abt the phone call an assistant principal had with other alex’s mom, it didn’t sound like they were going to bring it back until they were told they had to to get the right diploma.

#i don’t feel like my retelling makes sense so if anyone is invested in this story and has questions i’ll answer them #i was just reminded abt it bc one of my friends is graduating and my mom joked that her diploma wouldn’t get stolen #bc she does have a unique name #but yea #this person plagued my existence in high school even tho we never met #and they probably weren’t aware of me until they took my fucking diploma #i want to know what they were planning to do with it bc they seemed like they didn’t feel like they had to bring it back??

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calyroco · 3 months

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Worst part of my love of books is the book buying urge which threatens to flare up and haunt me at any given time

#''can't you just pirate the books'' sometimes I want stories not just spiritually but carnally. A pirated copy is a ghost.paper is the body #I'm trying to be financially responsible. Hate that for me. Love not asking for money from relatives though. Love that so much for me #I must let the urge to buy $100 worth of books pass me by. Like water under a boat. Stinginess must prevail. May my wallet remain shut #I have books right next to my bed. I still have a book I'm in the middle of finishing reading. I must be strong #This post was brought to you by: my desire to buy a 2 decades old mid mg manga #And its friend: my desire to own the gankutsuou manga because it's one of those retellings of a classic that I remember really liking #After seeing one episode of the anime version #also there's the other friend: my desire to buy an unabridged copy of the counte of monte Cristo

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neverendingford · 4 months

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#tag talk #I lie a lot. to other people. to myself. I don't really lie here (usually) because I don't have an image to maintain but like...#I don't always even recognize the lies in telling myself. I retell stories to make myself seem clever and smart #retell interactions to make people take my side in the matter. and it even works on me sometimes.#I've always wanted to be the hardboiled loner. independent and happily isolated from others.#and to an extent I am. it helps when you despise most people you meet. when you find them inane and simple.#but I play it off like I'm somehow cool and aloof when in reality I'm alone because I hurt so much around others.#I have such a hard time identifying with others. I genuinely feel estranged and alien.#it makes me immune to caring about their pain. which can be useful I guess. but that's still not great.#I think part of my desire to be- and questioning of being aroace is in part a desire for independence.#because I have been wildly romantic before. I was head over heals for my first boyfriend (still my best friend).#I wrote them poetry. left love notes around their house. cooked him food and went on dates. and I did enjoy it. felt natural and good.#I just... that happens so rarely. this is the first time in almost ten years that it's happened again. I have the capacity. I have the want.#but I just... I don't click with others. I don't get along with them. I interact with to know them and then I start to loathe them.#I've gotten too many followers here and I go through their blogs and I get an idea of who they are and there's at least five of you I hate.#and I'm getting awfully close to reaching the annoyance threshold because I don't mind you existing but I need it to happen somewhere else.#I don't get paid to exist in the same space as you so we don't even have a functional relationship.#anyway. I dislike being lonely but I constantly feel a visceral disconnect between myself and others and it aches every single day.#adhd meds and hrt are doing huge things to help me be happy with myself. which means I need people less. I can exist alone.#but it doesn't remove the need. doesn't fill the void. it remedies one problem but emphasizes another.#and I'm not used to wanting someone. I want things From people but I don't want Them. except now I do. I want this person.#and I'm so out of my depth because my play is usually to keep distance. engage politely. get the company I need and then retreat.#and I want more than that here. I was about to say “I'm afraid of fucking it up” but I'm not. that's a cliche that my mind auto filled.#I know I won't fuck it up because I understand her and I know my own abilities. but I'm afraid of what this means for me.#will this work loose something in my own mind? Will I become more painfully aware of my own needs? Will loneliness hurt more?#I know I'm moving again in a few years. I'm staying with my brother for the foreseeable future so I know this won't be long term.#so if I can figure this out in the next year or so then maybe I'll be more prepared the next time we settle somewhere.#idk. my mind has been in overdrive processing this for the last three weeks. I feel noticeably more tired because of it.#I'm just so preoccupied with trying to figure out this new part of me that's only shown up once before.

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