#I NEVER cry in front of people
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Depressive episode hit the same time as my new birth control side effects AND I’m getting a cold
#i am Not Okay#just used every ounce of energy I had to brush my teeth now I can barely move my arms#also I keep crying#like non stop#it’s annoying#my eyes literally HURT from CONSTANT CRYING#I started crying while telling my mom I couldn’t stop crying#I NEVER cry in front of people#like I’m not built in a way to be vulnerable around other humans#but I started crying in front of my mom and it was embarrassing#my nephew asked me if I was depressed then 3 times why I looked so sad#also can’t sleep#bc chronic insomnia#so I’m fucking exhausted on top of everything#and I really want a candy cane hot chocolate from Tim’s#anyway I’m gonna go read fanfic and try not to cry while staring off into space#vent#personal
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the angst in your zombie au bREAKS MY HEART INTO PIECES (I LOVE IT VERY MUCH)
okay, okay, so!! if the kagebros got separated from reigen and teru when mob is still fine, i imagine that their reunion would be hEARTWRENCHING also, i'm a bit curious, would mob still be able to recognize teru and reigen? or would he thought about them as strangers?
(tbh, following your lore, i imagine mob would act a similarly like nezuko from demon slayer? but instead of little hums, his zombie sounds would more like babbling and incoherent mumbles :"D)
the reunion is fuckin AWFUL man it's SO gut-wrenching. both reigen and teru feared this for Months while looking for the brothers; pretty much the worst case scenario was that mob or ritsu or Both turned—a lot of humans prefer death over being a zombie any day, so the idea of ritsu or mob having to go through that and wander around aimlessly until starvation or smth else gets them,,,
it hurts them so much to think about. teru forces himself not to dwell on it and he's pretty good at that but reigen thinks abt it a lot and he's honestly not sure what scenario is worse. best case is that they're both alive and unturned, obviously, but what's the worst case? you'd think it's both of them getting killed, or turning, but reigen also knows that if One of them got killed/turned, the other would probably lose their mind, especially if they had to watch. the fact that they're kids makes this all three times worse and reigen has to act like he's Not worrying himself sick over the brothers while he tries to keep teru in high spirits
the reunion itself is rly fuckin gut-wrenching for them. they see mob from afar, wandered off just a bit from ritsu and tome who are just around the bend looting a place, and they book it bc ofc they do, it's mob!! but then they see how pale he is, and when he turns around they don't see that light in his eyes that's usually there and the red is dulled and dead looking,, teru almost moves in for a hug before he realizes mob looks vastly different when he Rly takes him in, and mob doesn't rly react too much besides staring at them blankly. the obvious answer is almost too horrifying to even consider, so it takes them a minute to rly,,realize what's going on
tome comes around the bend and shouts, cuz when humans and zombies mix it's usually guns pointed at zombie heads. ritsu comes running out after her and when he sees reigen and teru his thoughts go, in order: holy shit is that reigen and tero ohmygod oh my god they're alive they're alive ohmy god i could fucking cry, and ohmy god they see shige ohno oh no oh no
ritsu sounds like a lunatic when he pulls mob away from them on instinct and says that he's safe to be around and that he's "still him" and he's "not gone" and he's very aware of that. he's very, intimately aware that he sounds fuckin crazy, bc ofc he does, this is what all the crazy people in zombie movies sound like. but he doesn't care, he doesn't care if reigen or teru dismiss him as nuts—he has to make them understand that his brother is still in there somewhere
and yeah, they both kinda think that ritsu's lost his marbles a little bit, but while teru is focused on that and the fact that mob doesn't look like he's rly tuned into Anything that's happening rn, reigen is a bit more focused on the fact that both ritsu and mob look awful? they're both very skinny and very dirty, obviously barely scraping by. they're cut up and ritsu's jacket is basically blood and dirt with a little bit of green fabric mixed in. and just by the look in ritsu's eyes, reigen can tell, man ... reigen can tell ritsu is like.not okay at this point he's kinda lost it.
i think the most painful thing about this whole reunion in general is that later that night, when reigen and teru r finally like ok we get it he's,, he's still mob. we believe you (they want to believe him... [they Do believe him, later, wholeheartedly]) and they settle down someplace safe, teru asks how long mob's been like this. and ritsu has to answer "since we got separated" and they both have that to stew over while everybody else sleeps
they realize that ritsu likely watched mob turn, watched the entire process, and that process takes a long time. it's at least a week of deteriorating motor functions and cognitive skill, and the fact that ritsu stayed for that to keep mob company is .ough. and it doesn't end there bc ritsu obviously stayed after that too
given how these things usually go, ritsu probably did think about killing mob. it probably did cross his mind, bc that's basically what everybody's been told to do. kill them before they have a chance to do any more damage. and it's obvious that ritsu did not have it in him
ritsu not only did not have it in him to kill him, he didn't even have it in him to leave him there. the kid fucking took him with him. a zombie. and he's somehow made it work, for months. and the next few days are filled with watching him still treat mob like a brother and take care of him and gently steer him away from a bird he tries to follow down the wrong street.ritsu is as gentle and kind as he's ever been with his brother. and even tho they're both hungry and tired and barely making it, ritsu is doing a rly good job taking care of mob with what he's been given
the kid obviously wholeheartedly believes in a cure and that mob is still There. he's gone through the trouble to take care of him, and the grief of continuously seeing a loved one that many would consider effectively dead, to get him that cure. to get him his brother back. and mob doesn't seem to be in any pain or distress, so reigen and teru think that this path ritsu has followed is probably infinitely kinder than the mercy kill method they've been taught to do
i think they have a new respect for ritsu, after that reunion
#qktalks#anon#zombie au#and also yes!! mob Would indeed recognize them and not attack them#i've never seen demon slayer but im assuming ur talking abt the main character's ??little sister?? smth like that#but yes i adore the idea of mob saying rly weird incoherent sentences that Almost sound like real words but like slightly to the left#bein a zombie rewires ur brain completely man .his mind is struggling a lot to say what it wants to say#it takes mob a moment to rly catch onto who's in front of him during the reunion but when he does realize there Is recognition in his eyes#fun fact; if u hug zombie mob muscle memory kicks in and he hugs back!#reigen and teru don't find this out until a few days later. they're a bit.. scared of him snapping at them for a while#but once they see that mob never once snaps at ritsu Or tome they're a little more willing to get near him and touch him#teru finally hugs mob and mob hugs back and it makes teru cry VGEAYEAV#(ritsu has hugged zombie mob enough to where now mob leans into his hugs.just giving u smth to sob over)#still related to the reunion but focusing more on ritsu:#after they reunite reigen notices that ritsu has a lot more..authority in his tone. he's a lot more comfortable taking charge#but he also notices that ritsu looks Exhausted and for a while he has trouble relinquishing the lead role to reigen aka the only adult#and it's entirely bc ritsu is just so used to doing things on his own now that he Forgets he has people to lean on#so it takes a bit for him to remember he has an adult to take care of him now#bro definitely overworks himself a lot in his haste to take care of mob :(#ritsu eventually lets himself lean on reigen when he's tired#poor kid melts into that kind of care after so long of not having that and being the sole provider for him and mob#when tome came around it got easier. but that also meant it was another mouth to feed so.only a little bit easier </3
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You know what is surprisingly tender and sweet? When a male coworker, who was in a room with you when you cried a week ago, comes in to ask if everything is ok because he's been worried and wanted to make sure.
And when I commented on how much I appreciated the sentiment, he goes on to say how crying never bothered him. And in fact he's very ok with crying and sometimes a song will remind him of his wife and he'll show it to her and get teary eyed with love for her.
More men showing kindness and patience and love please, we are begging you
#the kindness of strangers#you never know how much you can affect people with your empathy#be someone others feel safe to be vulnerable in front of#i work with some amazing people tbh#my thoughts#my guy isn't afraid to cry either and i love that about him
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The prev dovi post :(( i Love seeing people all over the country taking their kids on two wheelers. Like yeah wear a helmet for the love of everything! but. There is Nothing more fun as a kid than sitting backwards facing the road so you're going in reverse
#nothing cuter than little babies being taken on bikes bc that's the only way they'll stop crying#my mom used to let me stand in the front but once going to school we crashed 💀 and since then never lmao only back for me with her#the level of trust all those people have is insane not to romanticise smth so basic i just haven't been home in a while 💀
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#i'm very curious#i've seen my mother cry 4? times#i've never seen my dad cry#i cry all the damn time but usually not in front of other people#ok to rb
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SHOUTOUT TO MY BEST FRIENDS FOR BEING SO FUCKING AMAZING
I LOVE YALL SO MUCH MWAH
#especially Eva and Sparrow rn#I know I said it already and yall will likely never see this but thank you thank you thank you for letting me just yap and yap during lunch#i needed that so bad#probably a bit more than you thought#I cried in front of yall today#and I never cry in front of people the way I did
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not to be sappy on main but like
I wanna sit with you and have healthy conversations/ our wants, our wills, our trials and tribulations/ sort through faults and fears, the happier years/ let the smiles be the tears replacement
#Bears in trees#I've been screaming about the amazing devil a lot recently (which fair because they are incredible)#But I think it's time to give some love to some of my other lovely bands#This beautiful band is called bears in trees#And they are lovely. And bright. And queer. And make songs about how important platonic love and friendship is#And they will never not make me cry#Honestly I love their new album but I think precipitation will always be my favorite song like#“I know you don't eat at all/ in front of other people/ but one day we'll try a whole menu”#That. That hits hard.#Anyways bears in trees go listen to them now it will make your day#:D#precipitation
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yesterday a student at my job got hit by a car and he didn’t make it. today was so surreal
#we went to the memorial to pay respects and his mom was there wailing#my heart has never felt this broken fot a complete stranger before#my kids were all crying and I didn’t know what to do#I got in the car and called my mom and was sobbing as I drove home like god this is so fucked up#he was 12 years old and he was literally a block from his front door people need to slow down in school zones!
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failed on my two hour exam over public speaking BUT i spoke perfectly on the phone to make an appointment so suck it university my brain contains so many words you have no idea
#i just can't speak right in front of people#that's probably why some of my coworkers aren't nice because i probably said something rude at one point without thinking of it#sorry i am unable to think through any thoughts before they spill out my mouth it's terrible for me too#anyways that's two hours i'll never get back and i am going to go cry or something for a bit idk
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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See you everywhere, now that you’re gone (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#ZEX#Dexter Favin#Ft. Wally West and Xigbar again - they're good to him <3#Hhhh ;; The sads :'0#ZEX never got to fully show off his uniform ;;#I was so hoping for that! He deserves to show off and feel nice and be praised </3#At least he'd surrounded himself with good people - the dynamics around which are also interesting#Wally lovely <3 He's so sweet honestly just wants to offer a shoulder if he's able any small bit of comfort#He's injured and he's still trying to hug ZEX weh ;; Any bit of solace ♥#Xigbar's way of cheering him up is his own kind of misplaced sweetness haha I love the care put into everyone's quirks <3#Ugh the whole thing of Nobodies trying to (and failing to! To varying degrees) convince themselves that they don't have emotions#Clearly Xig is unbothered by this so it's better to just flirt and not worry about it! It's a shame but it happens to everyone#I see you Xigbar#Really tho him being a bit flippant and silly and tactile with ZEX did seem to help haha#''Let me comfort you'' pfft - sad silliness hehe#And then Dexter showed up!! I was so unprepared for that!!#Honestly I only expected him to come visit The One Time so I was so not ready for him to be here after All This#He made ZEX cry last time and this time he came to it already crying ;;#Ughhughgh ZEX's unshakable trust for DAX - even just his voice - being the breaking point of his self control I jfdlksahfds#Someone he can be weak in front of since he doesn't want to be seen by anyone that way - only to DAX ;;;;#Offering any bit of familiarity as comfort weh I'm fine this is fine ;;#Poor ZEX :( Being so powerless and helpless in this situation is so sad!! At least when he was in the War he was in control to an extent#He only touched his cheek with his uniform later that night which I do honestly love the imagery of soft and tender <3#I like drawing people holding things fully to their face more than I remembered haha#And then the fact that his roommate changed the same night and it was /Kirk/ of all people fjdslahfdsfd wehhhhh 😭#Kirk is genuinely the sweetest to him he is absolutely best boy but to have a Captain after all that ;;;;#It cuts so deeply ironic oww <3 <3
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https://x.com/megansstats/status/1751747785647337777?s=46&t=QiKHdDdvKoMxWGyakqTvxA
Of course I saw this!!! Megan’s got angels watching over her ❤️. The fact that all that came out simply because barbz photoshopped her nose to look bigger than what it actually is in order to say that she had work done is so weird, but very typical of them. But they’ve always been a pretty disgusting fanbase. I’ve even had issues with them before and I don’t argue with ANYONE online 😭… they’re like hit dogs who move in as soon as they smell blood. All this for a woman married to a registered offender 🚬.
https://x.com/quinveer/status/1751721132745470056?s=46&t=cKo2jnMIiVKeu8vnu79EyQ
#Megan has always seemed like a legit sweetheart…#we don’t know these celebrities and I don’t rly keep up with any not even her but when you’re kind to people#they will remember it#and the kind of person you were regardless of where you are in life even if the path you’ve reached wasnt where you intended to go#i remember seeing this old court video of some guy crying because of the judge recognizing him from their middle school days#he started to break down after she went on about how he was one of the nicest kids in class and was always a good person to be around#I know that he must’ve been ashamed to be standing in front of her like that#idk the outcome or the details behind that case or anything#but I think about it every once in a while#anyway#I saw the actual tread of Megan’s old classmate talking about her and it was really sweet to see other classmates of hers in the thread#saying that she was never mean to anyone and even though she was popular she talked to everyone and was always pleasant to be around#like what we see is her#again#people will remember if you were a good person no matter how much times passes#similarly to if you were known as a bully. people never forget these things especially those affected#tkf replies#the-morose-musings-of-mewaddlee
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Ah the autistic experience of randomly remembering a situation from your childhood and realizing things
#i asked a teacher once if I could go Over the needed word count and she said something mean in return in front of the class#i used to write essays for fun and I remember that I liked the topic and I definitely wanted to infodump in the essay#i attempted to stay calm and realized I was going to really start crying and excused myself to the bathroom#where a really kind upperclassman immediately noticed my distress and hugged me and helped me calm down#or how about. the first time someone gave me a hug I actually enjoyed. and it was because he hugged me with really tight pressure#whereas all hugs I’d had previous were light and always left me uncomfortable from touching and having to lean over awkwardly#i always felt like i was about to fall over in hugs because I would try to return the favor of light touches and overbalanced myself usually#or how about. or how about. or how about.#so on and so forth. the autism was there at every moment of my life and no one noticed. even now unless I point out specifics#or spoon feed people tidbits of research I’ve done that upends their biases#people tend to immediately refuse to acknowledge or believe me. i don’t have the money for a diagnosis nor do I desire any of the#discrimination that comes from having a formal diagnosis. and the lack of one is almost always a point of contention when I explain things#hell I used to refuse to consider the idea myself because it felt like I was taking away from other peoples experiences#which was stupid because as the great High School Musical once said. We’re all in this together.#did Not help that I had an ex years ago who I did voice my theories to and got shut down rather harshly#idk just feeling nostalgic for the childhood I could have had in a perfect world.#a world where people were kind. a world with better healthcare. a world with better research studies to broaden understanding of diagnoses.#i want to go back in time on multiple trips and give my younger self tight squeezing hugs so often through my childhood that I would never#have had to think that hugs were supposed to be something you just tolerate
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obligatory photo to sum my feelings up
#youll be bawling out your eyes in front if people who promised to treat you better and theyll just look at you like your а piece of fucking#chewed gum they found under the desk#people never change!!!!!! never!!!!!!#they don't change#they just learn to hide the shitty parts of themselves!!!!#then im the one whos at fault because i got upset and showed “”“”weakness“”“”#fuck you.#anyways. back to texting cute nerd. (~‾▿‾)~#yesterday maybe??? or so i bumped into him accidentally and ended up brushing my hands over his again.. accidentally while apologizing#i got so flustered girl. i need this shit#i need to feel the excitement of pursuing someone new and them actually showing interest#also he has nice hands.#and soft skin for like the 0.2 seconds i touched his skin#anyways gurlies heres to hopinh hell answer soon. i need that dopamine rush only flirting with guys gives me#what do you mean thats not a good coping mechanism i have B (ig) P(ussy) D(isorder)#its just a part of my charm. i can work it. hell its the only fucking thing i can do#also i was bawling my eyes out at the GYM🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️#everyone was looking at me like im a fucking insane bitch<- is a fucking insane bitch but not because i was crying#also why do i look so that good when i cry. lana del rey said it. cuz im pretty when i cry#not That good but Damn good. fuck LET ME EDIT TAGS#/╲/\╭(•‿•)╮/\╱\
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See and that's the tragic thing about post-Delphi Pharma lsdkfjlks. Whether it's because he believes he doesn't deserve reform or simply is too far gone to care, he would never actually admit to feeling regret or anguish and that's part of what makes him so easy to condemn. Pharma's victimhood and feelings of regret are entirely below the surface, read-between-the-lines, and isn't it hard to offer forgiveness to someone who seems to laugh at the idea?
#squiggposting#pharma apologism#bc that's the thing about writing pharma whump or whatever where he gets to call people out for mistreating him#that's not in character pharma would never admit to feeling hurt or lonely or any of that#his response to being asked if he feels guilt is to lie and laugh about it and say he doesn't regret a thing#and this is right after the Forcefield That Blocks Anyone Who Feels Guilt blocks pharma from going through it#this isn't apologism this is just connecting the dots of canon#WHEN PHARMA SAID HE DIDN'T FEEL GUILT HE WAS LYING EVEN IF HE DIDN'T KNOW IT#personally i feel like you could read that scene a lot of ways#like on one hand you could read it as pharma being suicidal and deliberately baiting first aid to kill him so that he could be free of this#or you can read it as just pharma's typical insanity at this point where he's whimsical and uncaring#or you could maybe read it as pharma being so apathetic to everything that he doesn't care about his public image#and maybe would rather put on a front of unrepentance rather than cry in anguish or beg for forgiveness#personally i'd go for all of above#THIS GUY HAS LAYERS I'M TELLING YOU
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also i swear i will post eventually but after that week of consistent posting i hit artblock and have been promptly sent into an annoying bout of probably depression and anxiety?
ill be back eventually, im just unusually tired ALL the time and busy
#sorry for how often i vent or rant on here btw#i feel like i have no good outlets left where people want to listen or where im not bothering anyone#bc frankly im ignored on a discord server where its literally me and my two best friends#i dont like venting here too often as to not annoy yall#never will i vent again on my insta unless its petty but understandable complaints that hold no weight#and i dont wanna vent to my gf and offload stuff onto her#so much of this is just- not really fixable over online so uh#its a no to venting to anyone i know irl#you can pry my incredibly bad habit nailed into me of never crying in front of ppl from my cold dead hands 👍#the way i do not trust therapists in the slightest really doesnt help me either#anyways sorry to anyone who actually read this
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