#I HAVE BEEN ATTACKED IN MY OWN HOME
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So. Attack on Titan ended
YES AND I CANT TALK ABOUT IT BECAUSE I DID NOT REREAD OR REWATCH OR VIEW THE FINALE AT ALL DURING THE WHOLE MONTH I SAID I WOULD
also this is the best possible way you could have formatted that message
#- HK#I didn’t watch Spy x Family either 😭😭😭#to be fair to myself however#I’ve been preoccupied with totally changing my lifestyle to shrink my gallstone#which has come with not a little bit of fear and anxiety and panic but when I was at my parents’ for Thanksgiving my ma gave me a talking to#about not being afraid of my food and my body#and she would know because she had life-threatening cancer#so I was pretty much able to forget I was sick while I was there#then I learned that coming home and being alone with one’s thoughts makes one 10x more aware of one’s own body#but now I’m a month out from the attack that put me in the ER I’ve remembered that pain is not the end of the world#AND the doctor gave me hydrocodone for if it comes back so#ANYWAYS. I’ve also been training the new clerk and she seems to have never used a computer before#so very little time for anime BUT I have been thinking about commonalities between Attack on Titan and Euripides’ Bacchae#and in light of current foreign affairs (particularly Kissinger’s death and the reactions to it)#etc etc#mobile#SNK#x#DID *YOU* WATCH IT?
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moving across the country to a very republican area tomorrow for my internship and i am so so scared but trying to distract myself with fun pride events the nearby town will be hosting while i'm there
#this summer is going to suck so bad but i actually can't think about it anymore or i'll have another panic attack#this is an adventure! a new experience! living on my own more far away from home than i've ever been i'm at least a little excited for that!#shut up hanna
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so, I am very mad* at Aziraphale right now, but he is also Extremely On My Mind. So when I just scrolled past this poem for the umpteenth time, for the first time all I could think was...
well. you know. you know exactly what I'm fucking thinking ;-;
can someone please set this over a gif? I do not have such arcane powers myself, but I know this fandom has some fucking skills and apparently I crave the pain
#good omens#good omens s2#aziraphale#aziraphale gifset#ineffable husbands#mary oliver#please I have been attacked in my own home and I need assistance
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#so#I guess I need to vent bc I can’t handle my anxiety and isolation any longer ig#my mother has been in the hospital for a week now#she had pneumonia but then they found all these things#like a blood clot in the lung and stuff#and they said it was symptoms of long covid bc me and her got hit hard in 2021 with covid#and they put her on a lot of medication and ran a bunch of tests#and they said that from long covid#she has some damage to her heart#idk anything about medical stuff and she’s waiting on the cardiologist to go talk to her#but I am 2000 miles away#and feel so helpless and so hopeless#and i’m really close with my parents/the baby of the family#and I have had severe anxiety since she went in#and each day it gets worse bc tests show something new#and I literally do not know how to handle it#I also have obsessive repetitive thoughts that are god awful and they have not stopped in a full week#so I have made myself ultimately SO sick from anxiety like I have my own chest pains rn#and then the hypochondriac in me is like…I had covid when she did and we had the same lingering symptoms so like. is my heart damaged too 🙂#and yeah like. I have had severe panic attacks daily now like I just had one in a parking lot and had to go home and now I just feel?????#so numb and so????? I genuinely hate this I cannot handle shit like this
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i swear to GODDDD if future jobs judge me based on the fact my grades and attendance are slipping right now due to mental health im.going to fucking lose it
#deleting later maybe#like . sorry ive literally been through tramatic event after traumatic event since early last year.#i dont know if im going to be able to make up for anyof it . and theres a big essay im dreading working on.#im so TIREDDDD i just wanna go home and be out of school so i can actually process my own pain and grief#my future shouldnt be decided by my high school years. that shouldnt be the impression im getting. everyone needs to shut up about school#or my future or im going to start attacking people with my cane#i literally didnt even think id HAVE a future past high school or even middle school#i dont know what im doinggggg Everrrrr#im losing my fucking mind All The Time#i shouldn't even be in school with how bad everythings gotten#whatever#suicide mention#←for the tags jic#im fine right now 👍 just. god
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the fact that so many child abuse laws are like "its not child abuse unless it leaves a lasting mark" is so fucking crazy to me. You can hit a kid as long as your fists weren't closed and you hit them light enough
#It's actually so hard for someone to be convicted of child abuse. especially if what happened is under the guise of ''discipline''#yeah the kid was fighting me so its not MY fault that he hit his head and arm on a counter and was also on edge of having a panic attack.#this is the proper reaction to a kid being guilty of talking back and being bossy - my uncle#also my uncle: I've never been found guilty under the law for child abuse. you are wrong. also you are the one needing to grow up bc somehow#I'm circling this conversation about you assaulting me over thinking something bad was happening to your brother back around to the fact you#are still living with me#its so funny to me bc even if I did try to leave my mom would try to stop me lmao. ''you're mom is enabling your lifestyle for some reason''#my dude. my mom is ENFORCING this lifestyle. not to mention when you were shaming me for how old I was and still living here...you got my#age wrong??? do your research before talking to me.#literally told me I had no goals or plans for the future. lmao even. he only ever talks to me to tell me that he wants me out#quickly! name 8 interests I have that I did not have while in elementary school!!!#like I'm so mad. at least I can revel in the fact that my uncle was such a pussy you didn't commit to calling the police on me when he said#he would lmao. I can also revel in the fact that he fucking hates it here and tries to avoid being home. and that hes failing at parenting#his own children. I'm sorry brenna. I mean no slander. but you sneaking around and being found out about it and that all the adults knew#about it before he did thus making him look bad is so satisfying. its like watching him judging his gf and my mom for being bad parents#while his kids do much worse things (in his eyes) so fucking poetic#I'm sorry for going batshit crazy in the tags. I am. venting#tw child abuse
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What really pisses me off when people are like. No child should be friends with an adult; it’s (insert word/phrase that has been misused so much it’s kinda ceased to have meaning to me anymore) is… My older friends? Even though I’m 28 and yknow. An Adult. Have literally saved my life. Like not only do they have more knowledge about how things work (like Medicaid and food stamps and student loans and resumes and and and all the other shit nobody bothers to teach you and can be hella confusing/nearly inaccessible unless you Know but is hella important/can really fuck up your life if you’re not careful) and like…more experience so when they tell you “it’s gonna be hard, but you can handle it” or “I know it looks scary, but it’s not that bad and I promise you’ll get through it” or “it doesn’t matter if don’t graduate college, look at me. I didn’t. I’ve got a stable, well paying job. It’s not impossible to be comfortable without a college degree. And look at (other friend who is sitting right next to them), they worked their ass off for a double degree and currently not using it! You’ll be okay, you’ll figure it out.” your brain can actually believe them cuz yknow. They’ve been where you are. They have that life experience. And they’re not gonna lie to you because they love you and respect you too much to do that.
Like I don’t want to make it sound like friendship is a commodity, but older friends and intergenerational friendships can be so extremely valuable, especially to vulnerable younger people in abusive households. And I don’t even mean like in that they can offer you a place to crash cuz not every friend is gonna be able to do that and that’s OKAY. But maybe they can still help you in other ways. Even if it’s “just” holding your hand and validating your fears while you cry your eyes out but reassuring you that they believe in your ability to work through it. They believe in *you*. (And yes, I REALLY appreciate the same sentiment from friends my age and it’s also extremely helpful and I love them so very much. But it just sorta hits in a different way coming from an older friend. Not in a way that’s better or worse. Just different.)
Also something something seeing that you have a future when you can’t see past the next year or six months is just. So fucking reassuring.
Also. Older friends are just plain fun. I love my older friends and my life would be so much poorer without them. So yknow. Fuck people that condemn intergenerational friendships.
Also also something something something ‘fuck you for making me feel terrible/paranoid about wanting to offer my own experience to those younger than me. To help them in any way I can. As another fantastic and dearly beloved friend says. “If you start sounding like my mental illness, YOU are the problem and maybe need to re-evaluate some things.”’
#ignore me#im just all up in my feels about that time my friend twisted around from the passenger seat of the car to hold my hand and comfort me while#I was crying and terrified about the upcoming semester. that said it IS actually not good that you’re having panic attacks and chest pains#just thinking about going back. and was so kind and understanding and calm and she listened and held my hand. or the other friend who grew#up with little financial security. worked two jobs to pay her college tuition because her parents just didn’t have the means to help her.#and now she’s married to a surgeon and EXTREMELY financially secure and because of her own experience she is just soooo. im gonna pay for#your dinner because I can and it won’t affect me or stress me at all and I want you to save your money. and if you need money for some#reason just let me know and we’ll figure it out because I have the means to help in this way and I’m gonna do it dammit and if you need to#or the friend that sincerely told me to call her if I needed someone to talk to. even if it’s the ass crack of dawn or 3 in the morning.#or my friend (my Person) who when I asked if it was okay to tell my cousin her address while visiting her so my cousin could pick me for#dinner. said ‘of course you can. this is your home too’ (home as in your safe here and home as in you are loved here and home as in you will#always be welcome here.)#like…just. intergenerational friendships guys#they are literally lifesaving#don’t deny young people these friendships#but as someone who has also been the Older Friend#don’t make them feel bad for just loving and caring about another human being#that’s what we do. that’s what humanity is#i scream into the void#personal
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I rly do love when ppl talk about the angst I've written in ITNL and Sentido & I'm just sitting here like. Man I'm glad it hit u. But holy shit u got a storm comin
#speculation nation#itnl shit#iiiin approximately uh. 3 chapters? if it all goes according to what i have planned.#that's gonna be the first time i truly tear him down.#yea sure he had a huge panic attack in itnl chapter 2 but it was mostly just misery#most of the angst in itnl has been the quiet kind. taking it at his own pace. so much time to just sit and process.#but an angst where it's a suckerpunch... where he has no time to even recover before it's on to the next thing...#i have some brutal plans for itnl lol. one of which is slowly approaching.#gonna have to see what readers say to that. probably mostly 'What The Fuck Man'#like SORRY it was either This or the bird dies! no one wanted the bird to die so this is what we're getting instead!#anyways im home from the hospital and thinking about itnl. i need to press thru these next few chapters PRONTO#bc if i dont get to wolfwood by the end of july i'll cry. i will. full tears. i want him in my fic so bad.#i just need to not fall into another huge pit of despair. we'll see!
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Big ramble ahead but, okay. It kind of bothers me when people say Cinderpelt was forced to become a medicine cat. That language would seem to imply that she was forbidden from becoming a warrior, when that just... wasn't the situation.
After breaking her leg, she couldn’t walk properly. Travel became slow and exhausting for her, and as a result, everyone was worried that she couldn’t be a warrior. Up until this point in her life, becoming a warrior was the path basically everyone took, and if she couldn’t physically handle warrior duties, she feared that she was useless. But Yellowfang appreciated her company in the medicine den. She started giving her tasks to help her feel useful, and Cinderpelt began to regain some of her self esteem. After she had been helping out in the medicine den — not as an apprentice, but as a friend — for some time, Yellowfang made it clear how valuable she was as an assistant. When she eventually offered to take her on as an apprentice, Cinderpelt was overjoyed. She loved the crabby old cat and the work she did for her, and she was very dedicated to both.
I think the idea that her life was a tragedy because she switched to medicine cat training comes not from the first arc where her story actually takes place, but from Power of Three. When you’re years removed from a narrative, it’s very easy to think back on it and recontextualize it to fit into your own mindset. And that’s exactly what Power of Three did to her. In that arc, we do have a disabled protagonist forced to become a medicine cat (which is an even more complex topic), and Cinderpelt’s reincarnation of sorts as Cinderheart for the purpose of living the life she was supposedly meant to have. It’s... a bit of a tricky issue, because the notion that her life was a waste because of her disability is... troubling, to say the least. And the interpretation that her life was a waste because she didn’t cling stubbornly to the warrior path isn’t much better.
The reason this bothers me is because I feel, based on the books she's actually alive in, that she lived a full life (or would have, had she not died young). Cinderpelt wanted to be a warrior, yes. Her entire culture glorifies being a warrior more than anything. After her injury, she had to give up on that dream and pick up another. And she was a fantastic medicine cat! Before she was even officially made Yellowfang’s apprentice, she was praised for her enthusiasm, good memory, efficiency, and trustworthiness. It’s pointed out that she’s a quick learner and good with patients, and we see this regularly too. She was very determined, always going out of her way to do the right thing, even when she wasn’t allowed to. And this, combined with her medicinal skills, allowed her to touch so many lives. Cinderpelt didn’t accomplish the things she planned for when she was little, but her potential was not lost.
I’m not claiming that Warriors isn’t ableist at times. But I notice a tendency for folks to reframe every disabled character’s life as a sad tale of someone being forced to give up their dreams and live a worse life because no one believed in them — even when that isn’t really the case. Disability is a very complicated and sensitive subject that needs to be written with more care than it often is. But for a character to face limitations due to their disability, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad writing and/or the abled characters around them are terrible. For a character to lose something as big as their dream, their goals, their ability to keep up with their peers... I don’t believe that alone is unrealistic or cruel. What matters far more for me in a story is how the disabled character handles their limitations and where they go from there. Please understand, also, that sometimes handling limitations is not the same as overcoming them. Not everything can be overcome. What’s important is what you do with what you have.
I may not have a twisted leg, but I do have a neurological disorder that has impacted every area of my life at one point or another. My spasms have been severe enough to injure me many times, and for years I couldn’t learn to drive because I was too afraid (and often rightly so) that it would be unsafe with my condition. I eventually had to give up on my education and dream job because of my failing health in general. For a long while, I was afraid I could never amount to anything because I couldn’t do any of the things I’d been aiming for since childhood. But with time, my situation has changed. I aimed for more realistic goals, bearing in mind that my disorder is made far worse by stress and exhaustion. My symptoms are less severe these days because I’m no longer stressing myself out trying to force my way through a career that my disability is simply not compatible with. Things aren’t perfect. But I’m figuring out a better way to proceed.
I think you get the picture. What I’m trying to say, and what Cinderpelt’s story means to me... is that having to give up on something doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your life, it doesn’t mean that you’re worth any less, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’ve been defeated. When bad things happen, you may not be able to return to how life was before. And maybe that’s okay.
#this has been on my mind a lot recently especially after finishing dark river#because that's the book that confirms the cinderpelt / cinderheart connection#i know not everyone feels the same but that's okay#we all have our own ways of looking at the world and at fiction and that's kind of important#again i'm not claiming that this series handles disability perfectly because i know it definitely doesn't#but there are certain points where... i think people are misremembering situations#or just interpreting them really differently because they have a really different life and experiences#this is just my perspective based on my own experience#oh also i left it vague up there bc i didn't want to make this post all about my disorder but what i have is tourette syndrome#i can sometimes suppress my tics or focus them into one spot like my hand for a while but they do come out eventually#it's like trying to hold in a sneeze all day long. but with your entire body lol#so when i was in college i'd have only mild twitches during class and then come home and have painful full body tic attacks#like i said it's not as severe now as it was a couple years ago thanks to better stress management but i still have tics every single day#i know they're likely to get worse again when i start working full time so i'm looking for work that won't be impacted by that
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#i live in hell#im barely climbing out of the hole of a major depressive episode that i barely made out of alive#and i agree that for my own sanity it was a good call that i not move away from here as soon as i had planned#but i have been lowkey harassed twice while shopping for groceries entirely unprovoked#and some dude decided to preach at my work just now for over an hour with like prayers and everything#and that's just within the past 5 days#i felt so uncomfortable#evangelist christians really have no clue they could be sending someone hurrying home as fast as possible#because my religious trauma is so fucking deep and i really wish my manager had kicked the asshole out because#THAT PLACE IS PUBLIC. NOT EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING STATE BELIEVES THE SAME SHIT.#I WAS HOLDING BACK A PANIC ATTACK UNTIL I FINALLY JUST GRABBED MY SHIT AND LEFT AND KRPT MY EYES DOWN SO I WOULDN'T GET CORNERED#and i had already spent half my night waking myself up having mini panics too#and other bullshit that im really too frustrated about to repeat today#i hate utah#i hate it here so much 😭#im terrified#i wanna be openly queer so bad but if strangers are feeling free to see anything questionable about me#and think it's fine to be outright assholes then i really don't want to imagine the danger i would be in if i were out#i don't have my therapy appointment until wednesday and i already hate that im gonna have to dump all this too#please someone just take me to whatever queer utopian island alternate universe there is i need a break
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I am rotating Thingol in my sleep deprived mind again and his relation to the other Sindar and Moriquendi in Beleriand.
Evidently he had power over them and a certain amount of their respect and love for them to heed his forbidding of Quenya.
But still I cant help but wonder what they really thought of him further down the line, e.g. in the 3rd Age onwards, when the majority didnt live in an active warzone anymore.
You have a king, wise and strong, who has a wife with Power to protect her husband's people behind a girdle.
But you're left outside of it. Your family has lied at Mithrim for centuries, or in Ossiriand, or down towards the Falas. The latter two may not have that pressing trouble with the Enemy, but those at Mithrim and in the north would.
I doubt Thingol sent messengers to every elven settlement to tell them they are welcome inside his protected forests.
Some may not know the option is there. So they live in danger, unprotected, but the moment that king snaps his fingers you're supposed to listen.
Did the northern Sindar, and the Avari, and Laiquendi, and whoever was technically allowed inside Doriath but never went, happy with Thingol's orders?
Sure, they complied. But did they do so without grumbled and distaste?
I have so many questions
#someone who has HoME tell me if there's a canon answer#i just cant imagine someone who's lived close to Morgoth to be happy when thingol whose biggest worry is us precious daughter running off#orders you to do something when he has done fuckall for you in a few centuries#they must have known the sindar had been recovering from their own being attacked but ngl that wouldnt soothe my anger#half baked and underproofed thoughs#tolkien
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every day on this trip is worse
#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't#she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter#and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip#and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left#i am just. so over this#any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry#and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring#bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again#like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever#but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show#them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare#and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there#are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse#and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd#and gets pissy if i dont want to#and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore#i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit#travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own#let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains#and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere#i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get#to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing#its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back#but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day#negative cw#rant cw#ask to tag cw
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those posts that are like “i love you [thing] i love you [thing] etc etc” and follow a connecting theme w the items are a little cheesy soemtimes but that is the best way to express mine emotuon right now. i love you collector i love you shambler i love you thing from the stars i love you fanatic i love you crocodilian
^ look at these animals. absolutely incredible design
#body horror tw#i NEED to sprint into the first final dungeon expedition this instant i need to see the shuffling horror. it has been years since i fought--#--it and i want 2 see if there is anything said abt it being a shambler which has the Meat of the ancestral home growing upon--#--it like an infection. like a rogue animal of the void which has been captured and twisted up by the hearts worshippers#i just love love the wandering bosses so much like they are all such a perfect marriage of character design and gameplay. mwah mwah <3#second image of a shambler tentacle. it spawns two of those upon encountering it and throughout the fight and they have a single--#--move called 'clapperclaw' (will admit that i usually just call them clapperclaws rather than shambler tentacles lol) that gives it huge--#--buffs which stack up w each successful hit so they turn into a very godawful problem if u do not deal w them right away. the real menaces-#--of the shambler fight#OHH i mentioned the shuffling horror now i need to talk abt ingame nesdin again. brought him along to my first real attempt at the first--#--final dunegon expedition years ago and ended up having 2 retreat during the boss fight bc my arbalest got killed real early into it and--#--my vestal died of a heart attack (due to a crit? i think) so the only guys i had left were nesdin (was virtuous i think?) and--#--mortemer the leper and it was mortemer who died on the expedition retreat. it was very dramatic and also the moment that solidified--#--nesdin as a real Character in my head. hed been a very solid guy to take on expeditions beforehand but i started spinning him around--#--in my head after that lol#^ i remember very clearly going oh FUCK and retreating the instant nesdin hit deaths door after the vestals death. maybe mortemer was--#--virtuous as well ? i remember having this incredibly impossible belief that they could tough it out together bc nesdin had the virtue--#--that had him occasionally heal himself and mortemer had his own self heal but i think the first deaths door check on him had me--#--freak out and retreat. sat at my desk w my eyes closed for like a minute b4 abandoning the expedition all together begging 4--#--nesdin to be the one to survive lol
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Weight talk tw I guess idk how to describe the post sorry im a little high
It’s so weird being around people who talk about weight problems (IOP) and like idk it brings up weird shit in my brain almost anxiety that I should feel bad about myself somehow like I’m doing this wrong being confident idk. Weird self doubt thing that happens when you’ve loved yourself (hmm. Rephrase. I don’t care about being fat. let’s say that.) and then you’re in a room full of people having a group discussion about how they avoid living their life in happy ways because they don’t want to become like you. But you love yourself. But everyone in your life since you were little has been dieting and talking about weight and specific numbers (someone was anxious about gaining seven pounds! SEVEN. If they saw my scale they would shit themselves. I put on seven pounds taking a big bong rip Jesus fucking Christ seven pounds. I wanted to rip my hair out.)
Next time weight issues come up in IOP I’m stepping out of the room. Like idk how to explain it cause it’s like not a trigger but I guess it is ? But it’s just so weird like the way I’m triggered makes me want to cry why does the world hate me for being fat what the fuck !!!!
#me when I gain weight issues through thinking about my own body in a group setting#ughhh#whatever fuck it#taking an anxiety med chavas at work Levi’s on a train (EXCITED!!!!) I’m gonna take my little sedative friend and try to take a nap bc six#and a half hours after the last two days I’ve had is fucking nothing. going to nap city will fix me.#also taking my morning med. I haven’t done that yet I need to eat *stares into camera* to take my meds gahhhh I hate having a human form an#intestines just take the med with one cracker and not get sick what the fuck body I’m so sick of heart burn I want to burn down the world#and now that I’ve had a med increase I get fucking withdrawal symptoms if I miss a morning dose which I found out bc I left my meds at home#accidentally on Monday when I was so overtired and forgot to put them back in my bag for IOP (cause they have food at IOP so I take them#there once I’ve eaten) and then I had a headache for like half of the day and I was so overtired I was crying on the drive home cause I#wanted to sleep so bad and then I got home and my brain wouldn’t shut the fuck up even on the sleep meds until I talked to kath and she#calmed me down just existing the little sweetheart god I love her okay anyways babble over I’m very overtired and a little cranky and my#brother has been in a very bitchy mood recently idk what’s got him on edge but everything is setting him off into little fights like not#just with me he was fighting with mom this morning he’s just kick to getting worked up recently which leads to me being angry wanting to be#rude which means do the opposite which means show extra compassion woohoo coping skills 🗣️🗣️#anyways. post panic attack sedative nap (my beloved) or perhaps work on editing my vlog#I’m high I forgot you can’t hit comma on tags. edit my vlog. vacuum. (I always spell vacuum with two c’s and not two u’s and I think#autocorrect should not correct me on that one bc I think I am right in my soul idk why#there’s another word I’m like that with but I forget what it is . okay bye thank you for listening to my type words goodbye goodnight mwah#it’s nap time babyyyyyy#idk if I have to trigger tag this ? someone let me know if I do please
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Nothing says tgif like a 6 hour armed stand off in your back yard
#panns gift of gab#I cannot even make up this level of chaos#my dudes I just wanna go home#I’m stuck in a STRANGERS HOME#staring at my own home now 300 ft away#hoping my dogs are chill#and being told I can’t got back but that I have to be inside#I think at this point#I’d take the panic attack in my closet until he went away instead of calling the cops#I’m in my pajamas and have no socks and my autism is making this a awful experience#I’ve already been yelled at for asking for updates and arguing
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Can’t stop thinking about poly141 who get so wrapped up in their own bullshit they begin to neglect reader. So you leave 🤷🏼♀️
It wasn’t a big deal at first. You understood that their jobs were intense to say the least. You own a bookshop, which in itself was exhausting, but you understood how they could get carried away with work.
You had excused the many delayed returned texts or missed FaceTime dates when they were deployed. When they came home, they almost always made it up to you. Showering you with attention and quality time.
But the past two returns home have been… different.
Usually at least one of them made a beeline to your shop or your loft if it was too late in the evening. You always held your breath when it was just one of them.
“They’re okay.” Was the usual answer. “Everyone made it back okay.” It was only then that you could melt into whoever’s hands you were in.
After one of their recent returns home you had voice to Price that you didn’t appreciate several days passing after they came back and no one had bothered to tell you. He had snapped. Arguing that a mission doesn’t finish just because they land back on soil. There was paperwork and debriefing to be done. If and when they wanted to see you they would.
He didn’t apologize until later. Crawling into your bed, using one of the keys you had given them. Blaming the stress. How they had almost lost Johnny for the reason of his outburst. What else could you do but forgive him?
So you had given them space after that one. Not holding it against them to decompress before seeing you.
The next time was the final straw. Solidifying how little they cared about you and how much power you had given them.
Johnny had come in around 7 one evening. He was dressed nicely, for civilian standards. You were reading a book on the couch when he had let himself in. You were wearing on of Simon’s sweatshirts and panties. He took you in for a moment before scooping you up.
He fucked you absolutely stupid. Adamant on having you cum on his tongue, his fingers and his cock. You were only able to bask in the afterglow of him filling you up before he started pulling his pants back on.
“What are you doing?” There were times that you would practically need a crow bar to get Johnny detached from you just long enough to relieve yourself. You had gotten many a UTI courtesy of Mr. John MacTavish.
“Dinner with my family tonight.” He explained by the time he was already buttoning his shirt. “The youngest just graduated and ma’ feels the need to go all out.” Now came the tie. Johnny was actually wearing a tie. To go to dinner. “A fancy dinner in London.” He huffed. “Meanwhile I’m out scufflin’ with bloody fuckin’ terrorists and I get a pat on the back.” He gave you a peck on the cheek before heading out the door. Promising to call you later.
You just sat in your bed. Still naked. Almost in shocked. He had fucked you and just… left. You were close to a panic attack as you called Simon.
Simon wasn’t the one to cuddle and coddle. But there was something so soothing at the sound of his voice or even how his heavy body felt perfect laying on top of you. Yes. Simon wasn’t the time to lift you up with words, but he was your own security blanket. Just having him close helped.
“Can you come over?” It wasn't unusal for Simon to be the one to come later in the evening. Insomnia was a bitch to deal with and you could sleep through the sounds of whatever he played on the tv. Most of the times you were content laying your head on his lap as he ran his hand along your head as if he were petting you. It was a bit cringe, but it knocked you out every time.
“What’s wrong?” He asked. The low timber of his voice already calming you.
“Johnny came over.” You sniffled. “He just fucked me and left.”
“Not surprised.” He scoffed. You could almost see him rolling those deep brown eyes of his. “If you wanted to cum, I’m happy to come over and help.”
For whatever reason, that only seemed to make you more upset. “You’re not listening.” You said, trying to spell it out for him. “He left. Like didn’t even stay and cuddle just left. Fucked me and left.”
“That’s why you’re calling me crying about?” He almost seemed… annoyed.
“Yes!” You said, nearly snapping. All of the tension from the last several months coming to the surface. “I’m not just a warm body to keep a bed cozy until you assholes decide you need to get one off.” Assholes. You called them assholes. “This isn’t what we agreed to.”
“Johnny is Johnny.” Simon tried to defend, not really caring to continue the conversation now knowing that you weren't in any sort of physical harm. “He wanted his dick wet and from the sound of it, that’s what he did. Don’t hold it against him because he had other things to do.”
“It’s not just Johnny leaving.” Your throat felt like it was tightening. A telltale sign you were close to crying. Whether from sadness or anger you weren't entirely sure. “The only time any of you want anything to do with me anymore is to fuck.” You missed date nights and lunches. You missed texting any and all of them about your day, about theirs. About new books. You had been trying for months to tell them over dinner one of your books got picked up. Yours was being traditionally published.
None of them had bothered to even try penciling you in.
“You got yours.” You heard the popping of a can top. Simon was settling in for the night. Once he popped a top at home there was no getting him out. He wasn't coming for you. “I don’t understand what you’re bitchin’ to me about. Yeah, in the beginning we indulged ya a bit? Dressed you up, took you out. But you should have known spreadin’ them legs of yours wouldn’t end with one of us puttin’ a ring on your finger.”
You didn’t know what to say. What could you say? These were the men that pursued you. Initially, individually, but when tensions became to much they offered a solution. All of them. Four times the attention, of the affection.
Four times the love.
But also four time the neglect. Four times the amount of heartbreak and disappointment. Loving all of them meant putting yourself in a position to let each of them hurt you in their own way and they had.
John's constant state of snapping at you as if you were one of his men.
Johnny swinging by as if you were just a fuck buddy. Not even bothering to give a peck before leaving.
Kyle essentially ignoring you for weeks now. Ghosting you for hours or having to cancel on date nights last minute or claiming that he really did forget that the two of you had planned to meet for lunch.
And now there was Simon. Telling you that all you meant to them was what was between your thighs.
Spreadin' them legs of yours wouldn't end with one of us puttin' a ring on your finger.
None of them ever intended on making this into something more. That much was clear now.
You didn't know what to say to Simon. You couldn't think of a witty retort. You couldn't find the proper insult to whirl his way. You couldn't convey just how much his words had hurt.
So you did the only thing you could.
You hung up.
#captain john price#kyle gaz garrick#simon ghost riley#call of duty#john soap mactavish#angst#grovel#we love a good grovel don't we girls
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