CEASEFIRE NOW 🍉❤️🫒

It has been a week since I finished TWOTQ and I think I finally am relaxed enough to coherently (at least that’s what I think) put a review together for this book.

SPOILERS AHEAD

I was going to wait until the series was completed and sit down and read all of them together but I decided to torture myself and finally FINALLY begin the series because of Poppy&Cas.

The way that everyone was gushing about how incredible their love was and how they would do anything for each other pushed me to read all available books in one sitting for the entire last week.

I haven’t slept, eaten well, done my job properly, and even put a pause on my social life because of these books. 
I am so lucky to not have waited an entire year for the 4th book as you guys did, I would have gone insane! How did you all do it?

Back to the review!

The main reason why I began the series is because of Poppy and Cas, again, POPPY AND CASTEEL.

Had I known that this book was going to go in a whole different direction I would have not read the series or I would have prepared myself for a possible poly relationship.

I don’t like love triangles, I don’t do love triangles. I avoid them at all costs. 
It is the same reason why I do not read reverse harem books because I. just. don’t. like .them. Mainly because of too much back and forth, “I love you but I ALSO love you, but not enough. I love him/her more.” Gah, it’s a whole roller coaster of emotions. lol honestly Idk how you guys do it, the ones that do enjoy these types of books, gosh the angst!

I know JLA said in the intro of the first book that because of the love and support of those close to her, she set fear aside and was able to publish and continue this story. At first, I didn’t get it, I was like “what could possibly be scary enough for her not to want to publish this story, it’s amazing!”

I think I finally get it.

The joining is not the issue that is confusing everyone, it is the implications of what comes AFTER the joining that has everyone losing their minds.

As Fez said, “You’re confused, I’m confused.”

Had this series been advertised from the very beginning that it was going to be a relationship between 3 people readers would have gladly read the books and none of what happened in this book would have been an issue.

Yes, I wasn’t too happy about the Joining but it has been implied all throughout the series, and it happened and I moved on. Even the back of the book basically confirmes that the joining would be happening. The issue is everything that happened before and after- Kieran being everywhere and acting as Poppy’s husband-as Tawny said. Kieran being over protective of her during poppycas reunion, a reunion that we have all been excruciatingly waiting for! 
it is Kieran saying things that Cas has said before, ex: when they were arguing and Poppy threatened to hit him and he said “You mean a love tap” excuse me. what? Casteel 2.0?

It is the implication that MORE will happen between Poppy/Cas AND Kieran that has everyone confused.

It is the implication that all three will be together AGAIN joining or no joining.

It is the implication that Poppy/Cas will no longer be just Poppy/Cas, that regardless if they are Heartmates it will no longer be just them. Them having this connection that is supposed to be so rare and unique and one in a bajillion, does not matter anymore.

What is the point of heartmates anymore?

It is the implication that they are all “one heartbeat” now, who all feel the same emotions for each other. Poppy needing and looking for both of them to ground her.

Yes, Poppy/Cas went back to being their normal selves right after the joining- going back to their chamber and going at it again. Maybe this is where another conversation was needed to somehow reassure the readers that the joining happened but that that was it? Maybe JLA didn’t add anything else to this scene because even Poppy/Cas didn’t need to have another conversation about what had happened? They moved on as if nothing had happened and maybe we should do the same? lol, it’s just that everything is not the same anymore.

Kieran going into their tent to sleep with them, Kieran sliding his leg in between Poppy’s legs, Poppy holding his hand while they all slept. Them holding hands while they all slept. Casteel implying that Kieran too, was having the same thoughts about Poppy in her armor.

Poppy/Cas and Kieran are all holding hands when they say “From blood and ash, we have risen” Vonetta had as much of a right to be up there with them, Delano, too. All of this is just so confusing/complicated.

It is also the implication that Kieran has been reduced to be nothing more than Poppy’s lover with no arc or thoughts of his own. That his only purpose is to exist for Poppy/Cas. JLA has mentioned that Kieran would be getting a love interest and I know that there are still 2 more books in the series, the love interest should’ve been introduced by now, no? Maybe the LI is Poppy, at this point Idk what to think anymore. Many people thought that perhaps Tawny would be the LI but I don’t think so, Tawny is not the type of person who will settle for being someone’s second choice. She would want to be the only love.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

JLA said that this story would be 3 books but because the series got so popular she decided to extend it to 6books. She didn’t outright say that this story would be a polyamorous story, this story has been advertised as a monogamous story. Had she said it from the beginning that it would be a polyamorous story it would have been fine, the series would have still been very successful. She said that Poppy/Cas would be endgame but given the history ...Idk what to believe anymore.

At the end of the day, this is Poppy’s story and we are going through the journey and motions with her, so who knows where she’s going. Maybe this will just be a blip in their timeline for them, but do they have to include us haha

Like Poppy said, “what was about to happen was bigger than me- than Casteel and me. Even bigger than Kieran.” For that alone, I will pick up the next book and try- try as hard as I can- to focus on the plot and not the romance aspect of it. It’ll be hard given that the romance part is intricate into the story but I will try, at least to know what happens next with the war and if I can’t move past it, then I will put the book away, put the series away, and move on.

Anyway, tell me your thoughts, and can we PLEASE talk about CH 31!!?? Holy, Gods!

LET'S TALK ABOUT CH 31!?!

We need more Delano!

We need more Delano/ Poppy, they’ve had an incredible bond since the beginning as well.

P.S. please excuse my grammar errors, I hope to come back and fix them, I just wanted to vent. Maybe this will help me move on and accept the possibility of Poppy/Cas and Kieran….. I came into this series for Poppy and Cas…

I hope this is where you send a request lol. But i wanted to know if you could do prompt 16 with Kuki Urie:)

It’s been a while since I wrote anything about this fandom and creating the new masterlists made me realize just how little I wrote about them so far.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, overprotectiveness, manipulation

Prompt 16: “You don’t understand! If you accept me now, I’ll be your slave!”

He was crying. He was really crying right now. It wasn't shocking, you had seen other men crying before, but you hadn't expected him to cry. Not in front of you. Or because of you. You had always been his reason of happiness as he had told you. So seeing him spilling tears right now was breaking your own heart just like his had been just now broken. His breath was uneven, silent sobs disrupting it's natural flow. He was trying to not be too loud, keeping the volume down. But the silent cries were the worst.

You just stood there, body having gone stiff and unable to move. You wanted to comfort him like you had done always in the past. But how could you if you had been the one who had brought him the pain in the first place? Was there even something you could say right now? What was a person who had just friendzoned another who had confessed supposed to say? But you had to do something, right? You couldn't just leave him here all alone.

Urie had the feeling like someone had just slammed his heart mercilessly with a sledge, it was aching. The last time he had felt something akin to this had been when his father had died. Back then he had been a child, he had not been able to handle all the emotions. Now he was grown up and had thought that he had been able to control his feelings.

What a lie that was, he was on an emotional roller coaster whenever he had been near you. Your whole being and thoughts on you had been for a long time now flooded his mind and senses and he had thanked whoever was watching from the clouds for letting him meet you.

Thanks to you he had learned how to really live again, how to feel again. Never once had he realized before how grey and cold his world had been before. But thanks to you he had realized just how blind he had been, that his life had been nothing so far. Not without you. You had given his life in a way a purpose, something far more greater than working as an investigator. Your love.

Happiness. Joy. Excitment. This sweet and addicting feelings you stirred up in him whenever you did as much as being somewhere near him. It was so wrong, the sickenly obsession he had with you and the people who he had already let his ire out because they had managed to get on your bad side, meaning also on his bad side. He was all too aware that going that far was wrong, but he hadn't cared in the slightest bit.

How could he when you had helped him getting over his pain, being the light to lead him out of the dark hole he had been stuck in so far? Everything he had experienced with you had been like a complete new thing for him. Even the most common things like walking with you somewhere had led him to seeing the world through new eyes. You were without a doubt the cause of his euphoria.

But never before you had given him a completely shattered and burnt heart or made him cry hot and large tears. Normally he would never cry in front of people. But he was vulnerable in front of you. He couldn't hide anything emotionally when it came to you. You were after all the person who made him go through all the intense feelings.

"Why?" His voice was nearly cracking at the end, his eyes still fouced on the ground where tears were constantly dropping on. You opened your mouth several times just to close it again. You almost felt like crying too, seeing Urie in such a condition. It was just a sign of how much your rejection had really just hurt him. There was surely something you could do for him without making him feel even more shitty.

"Kuki..." You slowly stepped closer, searching in a rushed manner for something you could do to soothe him a bit. "Am I not enough? Is that it? Do you think that there is someone better?" The volume of his voice was something that reminded you of a mouse, it was hushed and barely above a whisper. You also couldn't recall a time where he had ever sounded so unsure, so anxious.

"No! That's not it! You're great! Believe me, I really think of you as a awesome and cool guy." By now you were merely a foot step away from him, noticing now that you were close up how his body was shaking due to his choked breaths and silent sobs. "I-I'm just afraid that I can't give you what you ask me to give you. I love you a lot, but in another way. I don't want to lose you because of this Kuki. I know that sounds a bit easier than it is, but...let's just stay like this. We're happy as we are right now."

"That's a lie." You bit your bottom lip when hearing his quivering voice. Slowly, very slowly, he shifted his gaze from the ground to your lips and then to your eyes. His eyes were reddened and a bit puffy, tears still streaming down his face. "How can I ever be completely happy when I'm without your love? What am I even here for then? You were the one person who taught me how to live again and for that I just want to protect, love and pamper you with everything I have. Without you and your love I'm-I'm a nobody."

"That's not true Kuki! What are you talking about? You're not a nobody! You're a great investigator and I would say that is a reason why you're here. To lead your own squad and work with the CCG to protect the citizens of Tokyo. Shouldn't that be enough? Knowing that you have to protect the lives of the many people in this city?"

The man gave you an aghasted expression, looking like you had just said the most dumbest thing ever. "The CCG? The lives of the people here in Tokyo?", he repeated after you, still having this non believing look on his face. "Do you really think they mean to me nearly as much for me as you?" With one step he closed the bit of distance you had between each other, you almost reflexive taking a step back, feeling suddenly frightened of his unhinged expression.

"You're so wrong with that (y/n). I'll let them all happily die if it means that I can spend more time with you. What are they worth anyways? The only thing I need to be happy and live a good life is you! The rest can just die!"

In such a twisted way you knew that this was somewhat like the ultimate confession of love, being ready to let others get murdered or eaten by ghouls just to be able to survive another day with the person you loved. And yet it was the most egotistical thing you had ever heard. You even felt offended, maybe because you knew Mutsuki and Saiko yourself. Was he saying he would even let his friends die? You searched for any sign on his face that would tell you that this was just a mere act out of desperation from his side. But you found nothing.

"You really mean that, don't you?" Your voice was giving your discouragment and disappointment away, which didn't go unnoticed by Kuki. His facial expressions seemed to twitch, the disappointed look in your eyes adding even more layers of pain over his already broken heart. He hated this expression, the look that told him that he had not made you happy, but only made you upset with him. He hated that. Why was he never able to be good enough for you? He wanted to be perfect, the best. Just for you. But no matter how much he seemed to try, it was never enough. Was he really that imperfect?

His silence spoke books for him and you felt slight anger rousing up inside of you. How could he say this? Would he really let his friends and comrades die? You thought that he was the kind of guy who would fight til the bitter end. You had troubles believing him.

"So you want me to feel guilty because of deaths of people you could have saved, but didn't because you weren't willing to risk your life?" Urie quickly shook his head. "That won't be your fault (y/n)! It'll their fault for not listening to orders and being careless." What was he saying? "They'll die because they're willing to give their all for the people and their job! And you are supposed to do the same, Kuki! I thought that was why you joined in the first place!"

You quickly shut up when realizing that you were damn close to yelling right now and maybe the tiniest bit because all the yelling seemed to affect Urie as well. You were also almost about to cry, but blinked quickly to get rid of the tears in your eyes.

"Be honest with me. Did you already let someone die because of me?" He fell silent for a few seconds, making you feel more and more anxious. He hadn't, had he? "...No." The answer seemed suspiciously delayed, but his face wasn't giving anything away. So you took that answer, hoping to soothe the uneasiness and anxiety inside of you. "But you would?" He seemed to hesitate for a bit, debatting on with himself whether he should lie to calm you down or say the truth. But he had already spilled it out, hadn't he? "Yes, I would."

A disappointed and shocked noise escaped your lips, rubbing your eyes whilst busily thinking about what you were supposed to make out of this. "(y/n)...Please don't be mad at me." You peeked between one of your hands currently covering your face at him. He appeared to come over as pleading, eyes begging you to forgive him. And you couldn't help, but feel your heartstrings getting tugged at.

Without any words you suddenly grabbed a jacket of yours and walked to the front door, hearing Urie following you with huge and fast footsteps. "Wait! Where are you going?"

With your hand resting on the door knob you turned around, being met with his face only inches away from yours. "I...need some time alone to think about this Kuki. You need to understand, this was maybe just a bit too much for me to take in at once. And the fact that you told me that you don't care about the lives of other people in Tokyo just because you don't want to stop coming over to me...I think I need to think about our whole relation-and friendship in general. I don't want to stop being your friend, but maybe...distancing and stopping to see each other helps you coming back to your senses."

His eyes widened, obviously your words just now had scared him, but right now you needed time to think for yourself without anyone interrupting you. So you swiftly opened the door, about to leave.

That was before Kuki slammed the door with a loud 'wham' closed, body instantly moving itself between you and the door, blocking your way out. You flinched startled, for a moment blinking shocked before you came back to your senses and annoyance started to flicker inside of you. "What do you think you're doing?! Move your ass away from the door or else I'll have to go with less nice methods!" He didn't, he just continued to drill his frightened gaze at you, seemingly not wanting to let you leave him. "Kuki! Now!"

"You don't understand!" He sounded extremely despaired, a distraught expression on his face which made you slowly take a step back from him. But this sudden move of yours seemed to trigger him and before you could even react, he had already grabbed your hands tightly in his own. "If you accept me now, I'll be your slave!"

You had temporarily abandoned all of your annoyance and anger, currently you felt freaked out by this extremely deranged behavior from his. "You have to listen to me! I'll do anything you want me to and I'll be anyone you want me to be! I'll clean for you, I'll cook for you, I'll kill for you, I'll die for you, I'll live for you! Whatever you want! But don't leave me alone! Not you too..."

You slightly tried to free your hands from his, but you were scared that he would get triggered by any sudden movements which was why you kept such things at a minimum right now. You felt truly alarmed right now, not being able to tell what he would do next. Fleeing looked like a stupid idea, he was due to his not humanly body much more physically strong and faster than you were and you didn't want to risk it. But you doubted that talking would help him either. He was clearly not in his right mind.

"You need help." You stiffened up the moment you had whispered those words loud, cussing yourself for saying something like this in front of him.

"Help? You really think I need help?" You didn't like it one bit just how much distraught he looked right now whilst still keeping a look of fondness on his face whilst gazing at you. It didn't mix well. "I don't want any help. Don't need them either. They wouldn't be able to do much anyways. I know just how bad my case is and I doubt that anyone would be able to help me. Don't you see?" You didn't know if you were supposed to give him an answer or not, but you just shook your head when hearing him muttering these words.

"The only person that is able to help me is you. You're the one who made me this way in the first place and you're also the one who can help me. You made me how I am. Don't you think it's only fair if you help me before someone really dies? You'll just be there for me and I'll take care of anything else. Doesn't that sound like a good offer?"

9. Keep provoking my curosity

The new guest tore his gaze away from the phone to meet yours, acknowledging you with a simple nod. The lack of words was a little surprising, but he didn’t seem to hold grudges against you like some of the previous quiet guests from the last floor. Still thinking about how you’re better than everyone here? With a bitter swallow, you reached for his bag. - I will take your luggage – you took it with a huff, shocked about its weight:- Please follow me, Mister. He did so, tapping slowly on the screen of his phone. You weren’t quite sure if his silence was a pleasant turnaround or disturbing occurrence. Between rare small talks and not so infrequently quarrels, ignorance suited most of your guests. Chae’s reservations never played by these rules, though – wild cards, all of them.

The man beside you hide his phone but didn’t utter a word. You rode in the company of the elevator hum, signaling the 4th floor with a soft ding. You walked towards his door, the beginning of standard formula at the tip of your tongue: here’s your keycard, the restaurant is open… A loud groan stopped you in your tracks. You turned around with startle, only to be met with the surprised face of until now silent guest. He took off his facemask, showing off light, perfect skin. He giggled then, a warm, almost adorable sound, so dissonant with the rest of his visuals. - Oh, I am sorry Miss – he apologized with a small bow:- I’m just terribly tired and yawned before I could stop myself. You laughed along with him. - It’s alright, let’s make it quick so you can rest properly – you suggested, opening his apartment. Once inside, you dropped luggage and gave him short instructions about hotel regulations. Taking note of his earlier behavior, you drew the curtains and dimmed the lights to let his eyesight relax already. - If you need any help, don’t hesitate to call reception. - Everything seems perfect to me, thank you – he took his bag without any effort and laid it on the bed, which made you think why the heck he couldn’t do it earlier and left it to you to drag it all the way here. Why did people love to make your life harder? You should’ve call Yoonho to do this, it’s his job.. You’re exactly like your guests. Uneasy feeling sat in the pit of your stomach again. - Not sure about my coach though, he may nag you about anything really – the man laughed in a low voice. You glanced at his baggy tracksuit, awfully white sneakers, big, heavy bag – in addition, you caught a peek of a sport t-shirt inside with bright caption TEAM WONHO. He must be some kind of athlete, then. - Always glad to be of service – you decided to stay polite. - Ahaha, please, don’t encourage him – he snorted, sitting on the bed. In poor lighting, bags under his eyes weren’t so prominent as before, but his face hid some uneasiness. You weren’t sure if it was fatigue, though. Better to be cautious. He was one of Chae’s friends, after all, he could snap at you anytime. Or do something else; your tattooed wrist burned with a reminder one more time. - Hope you enjoy your stay, sir. - I hope so, too.. trainings are insane lately – with a sigh, he leaned his elbows on knees, slouching:- What's the point in trying anymore? All I do is mess things up anyway.. Unconsciously your feet already pointed towards the door; it wasn’t a conversation you should or even want to have with a man you didn’t know the name of. Damn, what were you supposed to say? You’re not a psychologist. How to act tactfully here? The question was if you really wanted to be tactful; or if you just wanted to leave. Your personal life was a solid confusion enough lately. Sir, please let me just do my job.. - I think you just need a proper rest – you spoke calmly, trying to induce such an effect on him. Luckily, he nodded in agreement. - Yeah, that sounds wonderful.. You bowed and left the apartment, closing the doors gently. Letting out a deep breath of relief, you wondered why your work is getting harder like this. Tourism was always full of surprises, as many of people-related businesses. But roller coaster like this was new; one day you are getting psychotherapy with a tattoo artist, another one you are deeply insulted, sometimes you briefly met someone decent and then you are getting tricked by tarot reader and.. well. Today you were met with a depressed sportsman. The small voice in your head recommended extra blankets and nice champagne to add in hotel system info about this room, but mostly you just wanted to get back to the backroom in reception. You didn’t want to bother about another messed up client. Sitting alone, pretending to work but being able to dwell in your own thoughts.. just being ignorant and properly don’t care.. just like your typical guests. You’re exactly like your guests. - Giving a poor hotel guide again? More than a reminder of harsh words, you were startled by the same voice behind you. Turning around, you were met with the main cause of your distress lately, your own nemesis, however dramatical it sounded. - Mr. Chae – you responded tightly. He looked a bit different; his hair a little washed out, not so outstandingly bleached anymore. He wore all black again, his blazer slightly damp from the weather outside. As much as it was normal, it was weird to see since you remember how unaffected he was by the snowstorm when you saw him for the first time. When he was a gentleman making odd reservations. - Not much changed, I see. But you did, sadly. The blonde slid keycard beside the knob to his door, not facing you, which didn’t stop him from talking: - I wonder when you will understand how short-sighted you are. What needs to happen for you to realize? Hearing harsh words from this man wasn’t new. Somehow expecting it, your feelings weren’t as hurt as before. Anxious, yes, but not stunned. Chae stepped into the room, finally looking at you with clear incomprehension. - You got help all this help from Changkyun only to be swept into your ignorance once again. A pity, really. Your breath hitched. - A help? – you whispered with the strained voice once again; stunned by Chae’s word, once again. - He’s a gifted reader – the man shrugged and added with a little, mocking smile:- And passionate lover, I suppose. You watched with horror as he started to close to the door; holy shit, your heartbeat loud in your ears, he knows, everybody knows, does everybody in this hotel know- - How did you know? Your heels stopped his door from closing; your instantaneous act making him raise his eyebrows. - So now we’re talking, I see ..? You weren’t so talkative- - How did you know?!  - you almost hissed at him, all work etiquette thrown out of the window. You could already feel sweat forming at your temples, the effect of the mixed shame and anger. I am talking before thinking once more, you thought, but the rush of emotions muted any rational thoughts. All your fears building through the whole day came alive sooner than you expected. Hyungwon clicked his tongue. - You are missing the point, why am I not surprised? – he flicked lights on and stepped inside, taking off his blazer and simply ignoring you. You followed him inside, determined to find some closure on your constant distress. - You’re the one who’s not listening! I asked you how did you know! - Know what? How you were offered all the answers and still didn’t bother to act? - No, I mean me and Mr. Changkyun! - Seriously, I am saying the words and you stubbornly.. –  his gaze fell upon your angered posture, clenched fists, and finally, teary eyes. He immediately softened:- Oh. You think I am judging you, do you? - What? – you tried to blink away the blurriness:- No, I want to know how do you know.. did you two speak? Does everybody know? He shook his head, stepping closer. You were babbling your nerves way. - Did you speak with anyone else? D-did you speak with my manager? I really don’t want to lose this job.. - Hush with his nonsense – he said, sweeping your tears away with his cold hand:- Why are you like this? Why are you afraid? - What.. what everybody will think when they will know? - Who is ‘everybody’? Your clients? Boss? – he took your right hand in his, thumb drawing circles in your uniform’s cuff. Your tattoo burned under the material:- Or is it you? Are you afraid to admit to yourself that you enjoyed this? You silently dropped your head. I am only a stupid doe. - You silly thing – he chuckled:- Did you want it? Not brave enough, you just nodded. - You wanted it, so you got it – his fingers under your chin made you look up. His face wasn’t as malicious as always:- Like a strong and independent woman do. You tried to turn away after his absurd words, but he stopped you. Chae’s eyes were nothing but sincere and a little bit playful as if the situation amused him. The small hint of a smile danced on his lush lips. - You conquered a fine man – he clicked his tongue, sound like before, but with faked shock:- Feisty huntress, someone would say. You couldn’t help but laugh. - I am nothing but hunted doe. - Tsk, tsk – he took both of your hands:- Only the dancers will know who leads the dance. Not sure how it worked, but you were able to let your worries go away – at least, for this moment. Saying your concerns out loud helped to realize how feeble they were actually. Unnecessary paranoia almost killed possible good experience; you should accept how free you felt then, after all. Freedom and being desired could build your self-esteem that your ex-boyfriend and the exhausting job definitely destroyed. Finally filled with comfort by the last person you would suspect, all your tense muscles could relax. This gave you a chance to inspect the man before you closely; marvelous as you remembered him. Long face, big, mischievous eyes. Your own followed the shape of his mouth; his tongue licked his lips. - Looks like I’m the prey– he murmured:- Where did little doe go? You gave him a small, mysterious smile, inching towards his face. - Oh I see.. – his breath mingled with yours:- Let’s the hunt begin, then?

thank you for reading

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CHjakldfjskANA I am lowkey embarrassed to say that I am confused by pt 2 of Ignis Fatuus ;-; I get what happens literally, but I'm pretty sure I'm missing out on all of the more underlying messages and what the ending is supposed to represent and what you were intending to convey ;-; I guess I'll just talk about parts that I thiNk I understood and hopefully won't make me sound like an idiot :D I really liked how the endings to both the dream and reality were paralleled,

but houf I was kind of exasperated in the beginning when everyone was dying on the hypothetical trip to the hospital. I always kind of felt like they would just let Y/N die, because logically speaking, even if they ended up at the hospital, none of them are really qualified to treat TSS so they would just be going on a suicide mission because as shown, zombies are e v e r y wh e r e :D So when it was revealed that was only a dream, I was like yAY thank goodness :,,) The part at the end before

Y/N dies when Jungkook corrects her saying “it’s did well and not did good” was a reaLLY nice way to end things though :,) jklsfjkls I don’t know, Chana pls send help+explanations because I’m definitely only understanding the very surface level ideas of Ignis Fatuus D: I think the very vEry ending though is a big part of the whole Ignis Fatuus thing though because back in pt 1 in Target Jungkook was like omg yes don’t worry Y/N things will be over and we’ll definitely be able to play baseball

again without any zombies around, but aaa Chana why are there thRee “endings”,, that’s making me think there’s something very elaborate about how all of the endings could be tied together/are related :,D 🌻 anyways I think? the first part to my ask might've not gone through because it didn't have the "thank you, your ask has been received" message when I clicked ask but o well :,) it was just me lowkey embarrassing myself because I am confused on the ending of Ignis Fatuus :,)

[SPOILER WARNING!]

GOOD NEWS! the first part of your ask WAS received!! and omg yes i totally understand ignis fatuus pt 2 was kinda hectic so lemme just clear up the confusion ✨

i think the whole ignis fatuus stORY is a bit hard to digest. the only ‘realistic’ element in the story is really that the members self-quarantined LOL. other than that, i really took inspiration from the office (though it may not seem like that). jungkook and yn are the only “normal” ones in the group of eight just like jim and pam were the only normal ones in an office full of crackheads LMAO. i just thought it would be cool to tell the story of two normal pple stuck with six other crazies (all equally obsessed with something different. i mean namjoon studying DURING the apocalypse?? seokjin obsessed with the kitchen? hoseok obsessed with his secretary??) and i chose to go for a very subtle romance so it wouldn’t overshadow the other dynamic characters

to elaborate on the endings!

the first one (the one that yn dreams): only in her wildest dreams would the seven men yn’s learned to love and live with DIE to save her. i mean, in a sick, twisted way, isn’t that what so many romance movies depict? the knight sacrifices his life to save his princess. it’s shit that only happens in your head. it’s tragic and stupid, yes, but also honorable in it’s own way. maybe yn subconsciously wanted all seven men to help save her life (even though it wouldn’t logically make sense). but maybe she wanted a knight in shining armor. i mean, isn’t that what media brainwashes women to think? yn’s dream is her subconscious acting up. she’s a helpless woman (sick from a mf bacterial infection that women mostly get) and she must depend on men to save her. but the end of her dream concludes that it’s not a matter of who saves who. some people just can’t be saved. yn doesn’t have a knight in shining armor. even before she got sick, she is a strong, independent woman. jungkook offers her emotional support, but he never outwardly saves her from any disasters. in fact, in part 1, yn is the on who saves jk. maybe, in yn’s subconscious, she wants to be saved. who doesn’t? it’s not a female v. male thing. being saved just means doing less work (and who doesn’t want that?). the savior, on the other hand, must go through the trauma and carry the responsibility of another’s life. maybe that’s why yn had her dream! another, more obvious reason yn’s dream turned out that way may be because that’s her worst fear—watching everyone she cared about die in front of her eyes (but also being too helpless to be able to stop it). she’s also afraid of dying alone, which she did in her dream. you’re absolutely right though! the second part of ignis fatuus is supposed to make you feel exasperated—frustrated and pissed, even. it’s just supposed to be nonsense, honestly. just stupid shit happening in rapid succession. it’s literally a fever dream. and also a dream carefully crafted by yn’s subconscious

a lot of the ‘deeper’ meaning is very subjective, though! and even as the writer, my analysis is still subjective. you can honestly analyze ignis fatuus in so many other ways. no analysis is wrong. and it’s also perfectly fine to have no analysis at all! 

the second ending (with yn actually dying) is easier to explain. it’s a direct contrast from yn’s dream where everyone was trying to be the hero. reality is different. even at the end of part 1, joon and jk knew that they wouldn’t be able to take yn to the hospital. yoongi even knew yn would die. they wouldn’t even think of such an outrageous idea to go to the hospital at all. they may have hinted taking yn to the hospital only to make her feel better, to make her feel safe. but they would’ve never actually done it. the plan was always to let her die in the house (as sad as it sounds). but there was really nothing left to do! as you said, none of them (even joon and tae) is qualified to treat tss (nor do they have the medical equipment to do so). the second ending is more of the closure that the first ending didn’t provide. yn wished to die in jk’s arms in the first ending and she got what she wanted in the second ending. but i still didn’t exactly think ending the story with yn’s death (tWICE) would be the best. something didn’t feel right. so i felt like i had to add the third ending for better closure

and you’re totally right! i connected the third ending to what jk and yn had talked about in target. this is essentially a glimpse of their dreams come true. something that didn’t necessarily happen, but something that the readers can imagine and feel at peace with. i thought it was good to wrap up such a traumatic part 2 with something lighter, something sillier and something happier. ignis fatuus is a mf roller coaster. and the title itself ‘ignis fatuus’ literally means something deceptive/deluding. i think part 2 encompassed that well

as for the purpose of this story? to answer the question you may be having, “if yn died after this whole ass journey,,, what was the mf POINT?” maybe there isn’t a point. maybe there is no rhyme or reason. maybe i just told a story as it is. kind of like a reference to waiting for godot but on the less indifferent side. BUT! i would honestly argue that there IS a point! i think the relationship yn made with the seven very distinct men is special. the seven of them are depictions of very stereotypical men. a nerdy med school student, a grumpy bus driver, an impatient businessman, a spoiled daddy’s money lawyer, a scaredy-cat cop, an obsessive chef and a too-perfect-to-be-true baseball player. i think part 1 is interesting to see how the eight of them have created this synergy together. it’s also interesting to see in part 2 how yn twists the men’s stereotypes to fit in the fever dream narrative

ignis fatuus is one of my more depressing stories. i had the idea since january of 2019 so i spent quite a bit of time thinking about it before i decided to write it. i didn’t think i’d end on a lighter note, but i’m happy it turned out that way. 

aNYWAYS sorry this turned out so long 😭😭😭i guess i rambled too much again oOPS. but i swear you’ll get a break from all this depressing writing LOL. i’m not posting another official story until january 15th! (and GOOD NEWS that story is going to be FLUFF!) 

as usual thank you sm for such a kind message 🥺🥺

As long as you need me

Warning: Angsty, supportive, small bit of fluff, mental health issues, emotional. **please read responsibly.**

Masterlist

---

As long as you need me

The Princess had not been herself lately. It had been the talk among the staff and the knowledge of her unusual seclusion had reached the ears of the Lord of the castle. He had tried everything he could think off including ordering her to leave her room. His efforts were all met in failure as even when the Princess did leave her room, she was still obviously distracted.

A knock on his door announced the man he had summoned.

“Enter.”

The doors to the tenshu slid back just enough to reveal the figure of a man who was more accustomed to silently moving in the night than broad daylight. Still, when your Lord summoned you, you moved as necessary to fulfil the request.

“You wanted to see me, my Lord?”

“Yes, come in and close the door.” Nobunaga put down his brush near his inkstone and looked at his vassal. “I trust you have heard about the situation.”

“Naturally. I did have a mind to seek out the Princess myself but I have been otherwise occupied with other matters and work.” Mitsuhide nodded noting the clear concern his Lord had when it came to the Princess. It had been an unlikely encounter and an entertaining one but there was no doubt that true feelings had woven their way into the unusual relationship.

“Well, now you’re not.” Nobunaga smirked crossing his arms as he looked down his nose at the man opposite. It had not missed his attention that the resident kitsune of the castle had become interested in the new arrival. He confessed on more than one occasion to finding the entire thing rather amusing. A man who showed little interest in women outside of work focusing on one so simple absentmindedly.

“My Lord?”

“I am removing you from your duties for the time being. Your only task is to find the source of the Princess’s discontent and deal with it. I cannot have her sulking around the castle it's affecting morale.” Nobunaga could phrase this however he liked but it was still clearly just as much in his own desire as it was in the interest in preserving morale of the men.

“As you wish.” Mitsuhide bowed the smile forming on his lips hidden in the shadow of his inclined head.

---

Time felt like an endless stream. At least that is what the Princess might have said if she had been feeling quite so eloquent. The truth was it felt like nothing to her. Day, night it was all the same just a massive blur as the world around kept on moving and she felt frozen in place.

It had been bad before. Her moods shifted and the ride was like the world’s worst roller coaster as her mind soared then plunged through wave after wave of emotions and thoughts that were so strong, they easily overpowered her.

Depression, anxiety, fatigue… the rational mind being overrun with paranoia and memory. Those remnants of the past, the unhelpful words cast out thoughtlessly in moments of jealousy and anger. Every one relived over and over like a lethal cocktail in the mind keeping those invisible bindings in place.

In modern times she had been given medication, it hadn’t worked. More accurately it should have been said it worked too well. They numbed the pain and dulled the connections so well they had become a zombie. Bruises and injuries appeared on their body but they felt none of it. Afraid of what might be possible in that state the medication was changed over and over but to no avail. Each change took weeks to work its way into her system. To replace one poison for another to find a balance that always tipped just the wrong side of healthy. In the end, it was taken away completely and therapy was the only path open. A whole world of modern medicine and it came down to talking to a stranger.

She remembered feeling like a pathetic waste of time. talking to someone who could have been helping someone else. Burdening them with her intangible problems just to be told it was ok. That what she felt was normal and it was fine. Therapy didn’t last long. Diversions came in new forms as she tried to replace the thoughts running rampant with new obsessions. Focusing on new crafts, games and books, anything they could. Clutching at those proverbial straws in a vain effort to keep from slipping back into this pit.

People around her looked worried. Their eyes almost hurt as they shot fleeting glances her way. It was why she retired to her room and chose to stay there. It was bad enough feeling as she did without the added concern of worrying others more. Her appetite was gone. She couldn’t feel her own body as it cried out in the melee for sustenance. The little she ate was enough to survive but that was all.

How were you supposed to explain what was wrong when you couldn’t even fathom it yourself? That feeling of being in a crowded room, surrounded by people and feeling so alone. How you felt like you had been thrown into a bottomless pit. As hard as you tried to fight against the drop you just kept falling.

---

Mitsuhide had spoken to the maid in charge of the Princess. It was clear the girl was at a total loss as to what to do. The princess hardly ate enough for a child never mind a full-grown woman. She had not taken on any extra work and yet the lamp in her room remained lit and she didn’t sleep. Books lay untouched as would her comb and hairbrush if it had not been for the insistence of the maid that she be allowed to do her lady’s hair.

He arrived at her room and knocked. Receiving no answer, he knocked again a little louder before sighing and pushing the door to enter. She was like a statue. Eyes fixed on one point in the room, breathing but still.

Saying nothing he joined her side and sat down. He didn’t miss the dark circles under her eyes or how dull the sparkle in them had become. Her skin was always pale but now seemed ashen and ghostlike. There was no doubt she had been losing sleep and weight. Her once glossy hair also looked greasy and limp. He felt like someone was tormenting him. The beautiful girl that shone so brightly he could hardly bring himself to look at her. The one that had become his favourite distraction to observe and tease since she arrived and this was what she had become now.

His ideals of protecting innocence and shielding it from this ugly and cruel world were being tested. Something was terribly wrong and he was at a loss as to what to do to change that. He waited and the Princess showed little sign that she had even noticed his presence. He could be a very patient man but this was starting to unravel even his mind.

“Y/N what is the matter?” He asked the question that had been on everyone’s lips since seeing her in this state. He felt like a fool for not having anything more original to ask but resigned himself to the most direct inquiry.

"It’s not something that can be explained easily with words Mitsuhide." Her voice was quiet in the room. She appeared so fragile she could almost shatter like thin ice on a pond. A frozen stillness masking untold depth beneath.

"Maybe not but I cannot begin to help you if you don’t --"

"Help? How could you help me?" His words were cut off as she turned those haunted eyes to him. They were both accusing and begging. He had seen that look so often in men returning from war. When something snapped and connections frayed. Their minds warping around events and actions, second-guessing everything that cannot be changed.

He dragged her small body close to him. Tucking her tight into his chest as he buried his face in her hair. She didn’t resist and just remained locked in his arms limply.

“Mitsuhide?”

“Y/N I can’t stand to see you cry. Did you know that?” He couldn’t bring himself to act as he normally did. She always seemed to have the ability to rattle him to the core but when faced with such raw unmasked honesty he just couldn’t continue to act as he usually did.

"I’m not."

"But you are. You are crying out so loudly that it hurts. I’m sorry I spoke without thinking and probably caused you more pain. I came because we – I was worried about you. You aren’t the same blissfully oblivious child you usually are.” He corrected himself before he could cause misunderstanding. Something he hardly ever dreamed to do. He felt her shift in his arms and he loosened his grip to allow her to move freely.

“I’m not a child Mitsuhide and no one can be happy all the time. I’m not trying to make excuses here but this is something that happens to me. It never goes away it just changes in how bad it is. I can’t escape this and no one can help me. There are things I can’t forget and comments that cannot be taken away. It might sound crazy but I feel like I’m stuck in a kind of nightmare. Nothing feels real to me right now. I hurt so much and I feel nothing. I guess I just have to wait it out…” She kept her head down as she spoke. Her quiet confidence that had always been a staple to her character was missing and her voice stilted as she struggled to formulate an explanation that could be understood.

"Then I shall wait with you."

"What?" His declaration had he gazing at him in shock. He chuckled at the sight of her sitting there with her eyes wide and mouth hanging open.

"I always knew you were trouble little Princess. The fact you keep sending me into battle you is proof of it."

"You are going to fight me?" She looked confused like she had missed part of the conversation somewhere.

"As many damn times as it takes to get it through that thick pretty little head of yours that you are better than those voices yes." He brought a long elegant finger to her forehead and poked it before cupping her cheek and leaning in so he could fill her entire vision at near point-blank range. “Y/N I cannot begin to imagine what horrors dwell in your mind. I’m certain they are different for everyone and Gods know I wouldn’t wish any of mine on anyone else either. I cannot make it go away and I cannot cure you. I wish I could with all my heart Princess but that simply isn’t possible,” Her eyes were searching him taking in every word he uttered. “But. I can wait with you. I can be here with you so when you need to know someone else if here you have that. It isn’t much I know—”

“No!” She cried out and he pulled back his hand quickly worried.

“Y/N?”

“Mitsuhide don’t you get it? It is already far more than I have ever had. I usually get people running scared or bored with me when they see me like this. I get told to just get on with it or snap out of it. They don’t stay.” Part of the pain inside her leaked out into those words. Each one slicing like a blade into him causing him to silently curse every last fool that had ever opened up their mouth or taken action that could imprint such feelings into one so pure.

“Am I that untrustworthy to you?” He reached out again this time placing his hand in hers as he struggled to regain her focus before it slipped back to somewhere unreachable. “Have I ever once told you something that is a lie when it’s been about you?”

“I…” She struggled to answer looking uncomfortable. It was not his intention but if it served as a decent distraction from that swirling mass of negativity then so be it.

“I care about you Y/N. You are the most fascinating, charming and carefree little creature I’ve seen in this rotten world. I thought you to be unmarked by it but the truth is I was the fool for not realising that a girl with such a kind heart was probably the most affected.” He would be whatever she needed if it meant he could give her even a few minutes rest bite.

“I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes and muttered her apology.

“Whatever do you have to be sorry for?” He squeezed her hand and waited for her to continue. He couldn’t understand what she was going through, that kind of thing was a personal battlefield only she could know for sure. But he could understand pain and that was the most heart-wrenching thing in the situation. The invisible foe you had to fight alone and yet felt so powerless against.

“I’m such a screw-up. I made you worry about me and everyone else too.”

“We worry because we care. Don’t concern yourself with any of that. You are not a screw-up Y/N. You are someone who is hurting in ways beyond any kind of control.” His voice was softer than he imagined it could be. He was no stranger to talking to others. Convincing them of what they wanted to hear or what he needed them to hear to be useful to him later on. This was nothing to do with any of that. He had no desire to use this girl he only wished to help and wanted so badly with all his heart for her to believe him when he said what he did.

“How long will you stay?” She dived headfirst into his lap and buried her face in his chest. Her small body still felt cold but it was more alive than it had been.

“As long as you need me.” He said as he kissed her head and stroked her hair. He felt the silent tears that had finally begun to fall from her eyes land on his chest and sighed dragging her closer to him repeating his words. “As long as you need me.”

---

africa is too far from you {elder price x m! reader}

Pairing: Elder Price x M! Reader

Summary: Elder Price, the poster boy for the Mormon church falls for another boy. What will he do when he has to look his crush in the face and tell him he's going to Africa?

Warning(s): Internalized homophobia

Note: Reader can be of any sexuality! The line "I think I'm into guys" can refer to any of ya' :) I'm really sorry if the ending sucks y'all

The two of you had been friends for years; you were the son of a family that his family had tried to convert, so the two of you spent a lot of time together. Both of you stayed close even after your parents had said they weren't interested, thankfully enough your parents continued to hang out too.

Kevin wasn't sure the exact moment he had began to develop feelings. He'd thought is over and over too, never pinpointing an exact memory. Maybe it was when in seventh grade you had tutored him, in second when you got him a Disney pin for his birthday, or in tenth when you tracked down and threatened someone who was bullying him. Either way, he always had a soft spot for you. Kevin always pushed that feeling down, that butterfly-e feeling that made him both want to panic and jump up and down at the same time. It was overwhelming, oh help him when you had held his hand on a roller coaster four summers ago.

Your smile sent shivers down his spine, your eyes made him want to melt, and your voice just made his heart flip...

..But Kevin wasn't gay. No he couldn't be! It wasn't right, it was against everything he had been taught against. It was just a phase, certainly. He would outgrow that beautiful hair, he would stop looking at those gorgeous lips, and he would absolutely stop wanting to hold your hand.

Then one night you had sat him down, you wouldn't look at him. Your gaze that beautiful gaze stuck to the floor. This time, he reached out and held your hand, squeezing it in assurance that everything would be okay. Then you'd finally looked at him dead in the eyes, he drew in a breath prepared for what you were going to tell him.

"Kevin, I think.. no I know I like guys."

You explained that you told him because he was your best friend. You trusted him more than anything, little did Kevin now he was the first one you told. He was stuck, unsure of what to do.

Why did he feel assured? Why did he feel happy? Why did he feel like he had a chance?

No, Kevin you're not gay.

But it was okay if he had gay thoughts , as long as he didn't act on them, right?

You're just happy because he's your friend and this is a big moment, so the Mormon just smiled and hugged you. This time, he vocally told you everything was okay.

Life went on, he smiled when you got your first boyfriend, he was with you when the two of you broke up, and here he was now infront of your door after the ceremony when he was told where he would be going for missions. Kevin felt betrayed, hurt even. Florida. He wanted to go to Florida, he was going to get you a pin at Disney and live two years of his life there! This wasn't how this was supposed to go.

He knocked. One.. two.. three- oh there you were. His heart skipped a beat as he stared at you, every thought washing away when you smiled. "Kev, my boy! Ready for movie night?" Ah yeah, movie night. How could he forget.

Kevin grinned, shaking his head, his pain pushed back, "Of course I am! I wouldn't miss it for the world." When you stepped aside, he stepped in. With a quick glance around the house it was easy to see your family wasn't home. It was just the two of you, alone.

He heard the door close behind him, not noticing he had stopped halfway through the entrance's hallway. My boy. Was he your boy? Kevin bit his lip, feeling his face become warm.

"Kev? Everything alright.."

Tears began to bubble and spill from his eyes, every emotion he had felt at the ceremony pulling out. He whipped around, letting out a soft gasp as he realized how close you had actually gotten, and from holding back his hics.

He watched as your eyes softened, did you say something? He didn't hear it, all he saw was the blurry form of your lips moving.

"I-I prayed (Y/N)! I kept praying and.. and praying and praying!" Now he was full on crying, head turning down to the floor and fists clenching.

Africa is too far away from you.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" Your voice reached his ears and he looked up. Finally, you got a good look at his face, "C'mere let's go sit down." Your hands met his shoulders, slowly guiding him to the couch. He followed, eventually feeling your hand to the small of his back. Could it stay there? Just for a moment longer.

Eventually it left as the two of you sat down, but it was replaced by you wrapping your arms around Kevin. You'd nudged closer to him, squeezing him, he wrapped his arms back around you. Tears were still sliding down his cheeks and onto your shirt, he burried his face into the crook of your neck.

"Whatever it is Kev, whatever you've been praying about.. it's going to be okay. You're going to be okay, you know why? Because you're Kevin fucking Price," You cleared your throat, catching yourself on the curse word. "..And you are the smartest, sweetest, and kindest boy I know. You're so amazing it's blinding. You're incredible, Kev.. you're absolutely incredible."

He gripped the back of your shirt, each word latching onto him. Kevin was silent for a few moments, through the ear that was pressed to you he heard your heartbeat, "Can you um.. can you say that again?" He muttered softly, keeping a firm latch around you. It was almost like he was scared to let go, maybe because he was.

You drew in a breath, smiling softly as you spoke. "Kevin Price, you're the most incredible boy I know." He'd heard that his entire life, he's heard it all, but it meant something different coming from you. How could being held by you be said to be so wrong when it felt as right as the sun rising in the morning? How you praising him just lifted everything that has plumited.

Was the constant praying about Florida anymore? Or was it about asking for his feelings about you to be taken away.

His prayer was never answered, even after all the praying. Kevin wanted to kiss you and he never wanted to stop.

"(Y/N)?" He said, face still buried in your shirt.

"Yeah?" You began to rub small circles onto his back, attempting to continue comforting him. You stopped as he sat up, but you kept your hands on him, latched to his sides.

When had you fallen for Kevin? You were as clueless as Kevin on that topic. What you did know was that you really cared about him and no matter what you would be there for him.

"I-.." It was like time stood still, his words getting caught in his throat when Kevin's eyes met yours. His heart hammered in his chest, the placement of your hands not quite helping. Then one of your hands moved to push some out of place hair back into it's normal spot on Kevin's head.. it all broke loose from that point.

The Mormon jutted forward, locking lips with you. You blinked a few times, registering what was actually happening. He pulled away too soon, a look you've never really seen on him washing over his face.

Neither of you spoke, but he looked a little surprised that you didn't seem creeped out. Your hand moved to cup his face gently, he never looked away, but it felt like the right thing to do. Kevin was personally expecting to be stuck down by lightning at the moment, but when you cupped his cheek, he felt that comfort. Was it bad he wanted to kiss you again? To do something with you, anything?

Without another word, you seemed to read his mind as you slowly leaned in again, speaking quietly, "Is this.. is this okay?" Kevin nodded a little too fast, causing you to smile. Then you closed the gap, kissing him again. It was like everything had fallen into place, sure it was a little sloppy here and there, but it felt right. And hey, Kevin wasn't struck down by lightning! Woo!

Every once in awhile one if you parted for a moment to breathe, but immediately went right back to kissing. That is until after several minutes when Kevin parted. "Wait-wait, (Y/N)."

You stopped, eyebrows furrowing as you looked at the boy in front of you. Kevin. Your Kevin, "Is everything alright Kev? Did I do something wrong?" He shook his head no.

"I'm.. I'mgoingtoAfricaformissionsworkasalatterdaysaintandillbetherefortwoyears-"

Emotional Roller-Coaster This Week

So, the last eight days have been an absolute whirlwind. Some really great things happened. Some really bad things happened. I’m kinda still reeling. I had some big firsts, and spent some time with great friends, had some real catharsis. I also fell further into depression than I have in a long, long time, and, oh yeah, got diagnosed with a chronic illness.

I need to get this all off my chest, cause I’m drowning. Join me? 

Before we start, there’s two things you need to know about me. Both are things I’ve mentioned in bits and pieces on here, but here’s the full story:

1. Three months ago I had shoulder surgery to repair a torn labrum (I technically tore it when I dislocated my arm in high school, and it’s been popping out on me once every other year or so ever since, but my most recent [and now final] dislocation was very bad and sent me right to the doctor). I spent about two weeks out of work, just sitting at home on the couch in a sling. The pain wasn’t great, but it was worse mentally: I put on a couple pounds and immediately started to feel terrible about myself, and being stuck at home when I wanted to be out there, doing stuff with friends or with guys or to reach a point where I can move out, felt terrible. I wasn’t in a great headspace for a long time. As of now I have about 95% of my arm function back, and am fully healed, just trying to get back the last of my range of motion and gradually increase back to my old strength threshold.

2. This one is a bit more complicated. I’ve talked a lot here about how I grew up in a cult, but I never went into further detail. Well, here we go: I was a J*hovah’s W*tness. (I’m censoring this because I don’t want this showing up in searches) It wasn’t something I would have ever chose for myself, but when you’re born into it, you’re pretty heavily indoctrinated -- I thought it was the gospel truth despite having many reasons not to. They’re a very homophobic organization, so growing up in it wrecked my self esteem. My entire childhood and time as a teenager I thought I was worthless and doomed, destined for eternal destruction. I was often suicidal. When I was about 18 or 19 the cult printed an article “clarifying” their view on homosexuality, and said they recognized that some people are just naturally attracted to the same gender and as long as they don’t act on it they’re still “acceptable” to God. It’s dangerous bullshit that makes me so angry now, but as a brainwashed, suicidal teenager, it felt like the only chance I had to live a worthwhile life, so I got baptized into the religion, which is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life, because once you’re a baptized member of the cult, if you leave you’ll be shunned by everyone you’ve ever known. Your own parents will treat you as if you’re dead. I was very zealous for a year or two before realizing that I just couldn’t do it anymore, but it’s taken me nearly ten years to fully wake up from the indoctrination, read information from outside religions, scientists, and former members who have left. Currently I still live with my family and have to pretend to still believe (because the moment I don’t they’ll kick me out on the street), and am on the cusp of two promotions at work. As soon as those go through, I should be able to save money to move out, which I wanna do before the summer, and then I’ll be completely free.

Okay, the rollercoaster week itself:

Pre-Monday: For about a week, a week and a half before this all started, I’d been experiencing some pain in my side that was making it hard to sit up for long periods of time. This normally would’ve been a major red flag, but thanks to the shoulder surgery, I’d been having random back pains off and on recently anyway. I assumed it was related to me overcompensating for the shoulder and left it alone. Big mistake.

Monday: So one of my promotions at work involves a coaching center we’re launching. We were supposed to do our first presentation last Monday, and when my boss showed up for it, everything fell apart. It wasn’t totally my fault -- the general condition of the office itself wasn’t up to par, and the boss recognized that there wasn’t much I could do about that -- but a lot was, and I spent all week trying to fix things and get them running, and running into one major roadblock and frustration after another. We’re finally doing the presentation today, but it technically still isn’t 100% fixed. Work has been a major, major source of stress all week. I don’t think I’ll mention it again because there’s not much more to it than what I’ve listed here, but remember that it’s hanging over my head all week.

Monday night I was invited to a birthday party for a friend from my gym. Since the cult doesn’t celebrate holidays, I’d never actually been a birthday party before, complete with cake and singing happy birthday and everything. It was really nice -- even though it was truly just a bunch of guys hanging around a bar watching the Eagles, it still felt like something really special. I also spent about a half an hour in my car before I walked into the bar trying not to hyperventilate. I don’t feel guilty at all as I may have once, but I was still really worried about being seen by someone and my family finding out.

Wednesday: Tuesday was my only truly normal day of the week, and even then, we had my cousin staying with us up until Wednesday, so even then it wasn’t truly normal. We normally have church on Thursday nights (I have to attend so as not to blow my cover, but I tend to stand in the lobby and play on my phone the entire time; it’s a nice chance to catch up on my reading usually), but I had a concert on Thursday I was not going to miss, so I told my parents I was going to a different congregation on Wednesday night, but instead I went to Starbucks and caught up on Crisis on Infinite Earths. It’s...depressing that this is what I’m reduced to, but I was happy that it finally occurred to me to just...lie about it.

When I got home and took off my shirt to change into my pajamas, I noticed a patchy, red rash on my stomach, side, and back, right around the same area I’d been having pain for the last week or two. I’d absolutely never had anything like this happen before, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I crossed my fingers that it was an allergic reaction, put some cortisone cream on it, and decided to wait a couple days to see if anything changed.

Thursday: On Thursday I drove up to Philly after work, and ate a few slices at my favorite pizza place, reading comics, until it was time for the concert. It was a free show from Pkew Pkew Pkew, a band I truly, truly love, and it was one of my favorite shows of the year. Just pure joy. They played for about an hour, but were the opening act, and I don’t care for the headliner (Beach Slang), so I had originally had a few ideas about what I could do afterwards, considering that their set was over by 10 or so. I could go home (coward’s option), I could go to the Barcade. What I really wanted to do was go to a gay bar or club. I’d gone right before my surgery and had a great time, but I’d been avoiding going back (or joining a dating app or anything else) until my arm fully healed because it would very much have gotten in the way of doing anything physical. I was finally in the place where I could use my arm, but now I had that strange mysterious rash, and didn’t think it was right to do anything like that until I’d figured it out/gotten it cleared up. I don’t wanna pass anything on to anybody.

By sheer coincidence, Philly’s Emo Night ended up being this very same night (this one is held once a month), so I ended up heading over there and dancing until 2AM. I got very drunk and had a fantastic time. But there were a lot of couples. There was this girl that kept hitting on me, and then getting pissy when I didn’t reciprocate. There was this extremely hot dude in a Misfits hoodie, and early in the night we were the only two who were dancing, and he gave me a high five that he pulled into a bro hug after the song, which got me all riled up, but I couldn’t work it into anything else haha. And then this group of about four guys or so showed up, dancing all night, very affectionate, cupping each other’s faces when they talked to each other and all that. I’d seen them before and both times thought they might be gay, so I stuck close and was kinda part of their group for the night, which was really really fun. At the end of the night, one of them mentioned their girlfriend, and I reeled way more than I had any right to. I had a fantastic night. I went home feeling very alone.

Friday: Friday was my gym’s Christmas Party, which, much like Monday, was my first ever Christmas Party. I had a really fun time chatting with everyone, eating, watching one friend get drunk, try to jump up on the rings, and get dragged home by his wife. We had rowing contests and the losers had to take shots. But there was one guy there I’ve always had a crush on, a very straight, very married guy, and he was looking extremely hot and was acting extremely funny all night, and it was rough. I went home and dreamed about him all night. I woke up feeling even more alone and frustrated.

Saturday: I was pretty depressed and listless by this point. Feeling really sorry for myself despite all the fun I’d had all week. I had plans to drive up to Asbury Park for an Aaron West and the Roaring Twenties show and I just...really didn’t feel like going. But I drug myself out of bed and made myself go, because you don’t miss the gig. Before the show I wandered around Asbury, basically torturing myself. I wanted to visit a restaurant but had eaten lunch too late and wasn’t hungry. I found a gay club but still had that rash, so I didn’t wanna go in. I ended up standing on the beach, in the dark, finally having a genuine smile as I dodged the waves, but also just thinking about how sometimes Kangaroos just walk into the ocean and...never come back. I was not in a good headspace. I made myself get off the beach.

The show though...damn, that show. Dan played the second Aaron West album, Routine Maintenance, from front to back, and it’s an album about Aaron making the people in his life proud of him, about his friends giving him direction, about finding redemption through being there for his family in their darkest hour. That kind of shit is my kryptonite to begin with, but all I could think about was how all I had ever wanted in my life was to make my family proud, and how I’d never be able to do it, how someday soon they’re just...never gonna talk to me again. I cried twice during the set. And afterwards I got to hug Dan and tell him how much the album fucks me up. It was really cathartic. I felt the cloud start to lift.

Sunday: So Sunday I finally go to the doctor about this fucking rash, which hadn’t gotten any worse but had not gotten any better either. The diagnosis?

I have fucking shingles.

For those who don’t know, shingles is the chicken pox virus. After you’ve had chicken pox it never really leaves your body -- it stores itself away in your nerves. As an adult, it can reemerge as shingles, which begins as an intense pain, then advances into painful rashes on one side of your torso. Without intervention, they can continue to spread and become almost immobilizing. I’m currently on a pill I have to take three times a day for seven days, which will stop the progression of the shingles, and then it will heal up on its own, but it could take a few weeks.

Thankfully, I’m not contagious -- I can only spread the disease if someone has prolonged, direct contact with the rashes. I can be around people, but like I feared, it does rule out sex for a while. The worst part is that shingles as a disease can’t really be healed. The symptoms will go away, but I’ll be susceptible to outbreaks the rest of my life. Fortunately, the doctor made it sound pretty manageable -- the pain in my side, in that exact same spot, will always be my first symptom, so as soon as I feel that I need to get to a doctor and get back on the seven day medication to end the flare-up. It doesn’t sound like shingles flare-ups are super common either -- reading up on it, it looks like most people have, at the most, three outbreaks in their life. But, it’s still a chronic illness, and it’s one that’s very rare to emerge at this young of an age -- this is something you normally get in your fifties or sixties, not your early thirties! 

Honestly, I could only laugh. Just my luck, right? I’m so frustrated. My arm’s finally reached the point where I can get back to trying to pursue guys, but nope! the shingles has to postpone it a few more weeks :/

But despite it all, the depression of the rest of the week had mostly lifted. I had processed it. I was feeling better. For a while.

Back in the spring I had joined a subreddit for former members of the cult, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, as it let me share my story with people who had been there and understood, and really helped clear out the last remnants of the programming from my brain. Every once in a while different gay Ex cult member will contact me on there, and I’ve struck up a few nice casual friendships. Last week a guy reached out to me on there looking for friends in the same situation as him, and I replied, and on Friday he finally replied back, and we texted each off and on Saturday and Sunday morning. Sunday night, though, we got into a deeper conversation. He’s in his early twenties, and some of the stuff he was asking for advice about made it sound like he was just starting to wake up from the programming and just starting to think about leaving and being gay and everything. Eventually, as we talk more, I find out that that’s not fully the case. He’s jealous of some of the stuff I’ve done that he hasn’t -- going to Pride, going to gay bars -- but unlike me, he’s had a fair amount of sex. Like any closeted Witness, he had to drive into unfamiliar cities to do so, and it’s a strategy I’ve thought of trying but never pulled off. 

I dunno, I’m so depressed. I feel like such a failure. I know having sex doesn’t make you a better person, and not having sex doesn’t intrinsically make you a failure. But I feel like this because I want it so badly, because I always have, and I could have been doing it for years, and I’ve been really forced to confront the fact that it’s my own fear that’s been getting in my way all this time. If I’d really tried I could’ve done it by now. If I really tried I probably could’ve moved out and started my new life by now -- I’d probably be dirt broke in an apartment with like eight roommates, but I could’ve done it. I don’t feel like anybody else, including this guy I was chatting with, have been judging me for this, but I’m pretty disgusted with myself, irrational as it may be. I know it’s not true, but I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. And I’m so fucking sick of it.

So. This is everything I’ve been processing this week. I don’t really know what to do with it. I’ve gotta be patient a little while longer. Keep working on my real estate licensing test so I can make some more money. Wait for the shingles to heal up. Get on Grindr and just, fucking, fuck some dude the moment I’m cleared up.

But fuck, I’m so fucking sick of waiting.

Patient

Chapter Update! FFN and AO3

Next chapter goes up on July 13th!

Let me know if you want to see this end with a Hinny engagement or with a Hinny wedding (the latter would include seeing Ginny plan her own wedding).

Chapter 5

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Ginny had no idea what she was signing up for when she asked Harry how she could help him in his learning to grieve. The last couple of months had been both amazing and excruciating. Harry had opened up to her in more ways than she could count. He went through every box of his parents' and godparents' things with her. It had taken weeks for him to tell her every story that went with every picture and every belonging. And most times a story would spark another memory that he'd kept locked away for so long and it would just start to pour out more and more of the life he had before it had been ripped from him. The immense sharing would come in waves before mellowing for a time and then come crashing down again.

Harry's mood was often off as he tried to ride this roller coaster. He never took the grief out on her, for which she was grateful, but it was painful to watch the man she loved suffer so much. That pain only increased when she realized that impatience and frustration were quickly starting to replace her sympathy. She wanted her boyfriend back. She wanted to feel like she could reach out to him for help without also worrying she was adding extra stress to him when he was already stretched as thin as cling wrap.

And she felt immensely selfish.

She had a wonderful life, and here she was complaining that she didn't have a perfect boyfriend. Ginny wanted to smack herself. What was wrong with her? Was she really so shallow that she was getting angry because Harry wasn't at her beck and call? She didn't want to be that girl. She wanted to be the woman who Harry could depend upon and rely on to hold him up and support him.

She just wasn't sure what would hold them up when she crumpled under the weight of the two of them.

But Ginny didn't have a whole lot of time to think about that inevitability because she had a wedding every nearly weekend of the summer and Vic's wedding, the most important one, was only two weeks away. So she buried herself in work and holding Harry upright and trying very hard not to feel her own emotions until she had time to process them all, whenever that would end up being.

It certainly wouldn't be tonight. After a full day of work, Ginny was meeting Harry and his old friend Neville and his wife Hannah for dinner at Harry's favorite Indian place. Ginny could feel her exhaustion in her bone marrow, but Harry had been really excited about this and Ginny couldn't bring herself to cancel on him last minute. He had enough problems without her adding to them by acting like a tired and spoiled child. Ginny pulled her hair up into a quick knot and headed out the door.

The restaurant was one Ginny loved, but she didn't love how far away from her it was. The drive was forty minutes without traffic, and getting there for dinner from her flat always took at least an hour. But it was close to Hannah's parents where the Longbottom's were visiting for a couple of days. Incidentally, it was also the same area that Ron and Hermione lived in. Ginny found that thought comforting, like some external force was looking out for her. That thought flitted away as soon as the traffic made it apparent that she would not be making it to dinner on time.

"Hey Gin," Harry's voice reverberated around her car through the speaker system.

"Hi love," Ginny bit her lip and hoped that she wasn't stressing him out, "I think I'm going to be late. This traffic is horrible."

"I think I am too; you're right, traffic is awful today," Harry chuckled, "I'll call Nev and let him know. Keep me posted and be safe."

Ginny let out a huge breath in relief, "Will do. I love you."

"Love you too, Gin." Harry disconnected the call and the radio took over Ginny's car speakers again.

The hour and fifteen-minute drive unfortunately only left Ginny with time to think, and since she couldn't be going through her wedding coordinating emails and files, her mind wandered right to how much she wanted her relationship to be normal. She had been panicked for the briefest moment when she realized that she needed to call Harry and tell him she would be late. That was ridiculous, especially given that he wasn't upset with her about it. He'd had handled it with a sense of humor. But she had worried all the same. Worried that she was going to stress him out. Worried that she'd somehow trigger him. That it would be her fault that he felt pain. And those feelings brought anger. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why did she have to love him so much that she was so against being the one to cause him pain? Why did she care? Why couldn't it be easier? And the anger was always followed by an overwhelming shame for her selfishness. And the cycle spun in her head like a top, tightening the emotions inside her like a guitar string, waiting to see if it would snap.

Somehow she kept control of herself, and pulled into the parking lot, finding a spot near Harry's car.

"Gin," Harry called out when Ginny stepped inside the little building. Ginny smiled and reminded herself that she loved this man - and that he hadn't been inside her head for the last hour and change. He had no idea things were hard right now, and she needed to keep it that way.

Harry met her halfway to the table with a kiss that managed to melt enough of her aggravation out that she could better hide the rest of it. The way he looked at her when he pulled away helped a bit too.

It was gone far too soon as he turned her toward their table and introduced her to his friends. "Gin, this is Neville and Hannah Longbottom. Nev, Hannah, this is my girlfriend, Ginny Weasley."

"It's great to finally meet you, Ginny," Neville shook her hand. "I've heard nothing but amazing things."

Ginny looked up around, "Are you sure you're at the right table?"

Harry pinched her side and she jumped closer to him.

"Oi, I have very good taste," He gave an indignant huff.

"That's obvious," Hannah smiled at Ginny. "But Harry tells us you're a wedding coordinator and I want to hear all about that."

Ginny regaled them with stories of the weddings she'd planned over the last nearly ten months of working with Wedding Composition. She told them of the most expensive wedding she'd coordinated where the dress alone was equivalent to six months of Ginny's rent payment, and the venue was more than the down payment Harry was putting on his parent's home to buy it back. She told them of the Highland themed wedding up in Scotland with kilts and bagpipes. Hannah loved hearing about the different religious ceremonies Ginny had needed to work around as well. From Jewish to Catholic to Latter Day Saints to Wiccan to a Hindu ceremony to combinations of religions in order to make everyone happy, Ginny was now rather fluent in the basics of marriage ceremonies in several different religions. 

"What about for your wedding?" Hannah asked. "What are you going to do for yours?"

Ginny felt her chest tighten and she avoided looking at Harry. Of course, she had thought that maybe, hopefully, she and Harry could have a future together. But she wasn't going to push him into it, and she honestly wasn't sure how to fit that into what their lives looked like right now. Maybe once Harry was feeling better, maybe when the wedding season slowed down, maybe when the stars aligned.

"I, I haven't really thought too much about what my wedding would look like." Ginny forced the smile to stay on her face, praying that she wouldn't trigger Harry.

"Really?" Neville's voice was soft and he had a small smile on his face. "In all the weddings you've planned, you've not thought about your own?"

Ginny had never wished harder for the power of telepathy. Neville was Harry's freaking shrink, why on earth was he pushing something so volatile right now?

Ginny was saved by the server setting down their food, and the conversation thankfully moved on from weddings and on to other, less volatile, topics.

And it was fun. Ginny had shown up exhausted, but as they continued talking she found her fatigue fading to the back of her mind. Neville and Harry ended up roasting each other with stories about growing up together. At first Ginny was nervous when Neville brought up one of his and Harry's shenanigans from childhood. But Harry laughed and added to the story before bringing up another memory. And for the rest of dinner and dessert, Ginny felt like they were going through another box from Harry's attic. The difference was that Harry didn't break down in the middle of any of the stories. He smiled. He laughed. And he was happy while reminiscing about the past. It gave Ginny just a sliver of hope that maybe he would be able to look back at the memories of his family with that same happiness too.

"This has been wonderful," Neville yawned, "but we're heading home tomorrow morning so I think we'll call it a night."

Ginny reached into her purse and pulled out her keys. "That's probably smart. I have a cake tasting tomorrow morning to be at."

Harry looked at her with an adorable pout, "You're working tomorrow? I thought you didn't have a wedding this weekend."

"I don't have a wedding this weekend, but tomorrow morning was the only time this couple could manage to be together for the tasting." Ginny kissed his cheek. "I'll be around after lunch."

Harry grinned and caught her lips before she could pull away completely. "Can I come over and play?"

"Harry!" Ginny laughed and shot an embarrassed glance over at Neville and Hannah.

"Just pretend we're not here," Hannah winked at her, standing when Neville offered her his hand.

Ginny followed suit and laughed when Harry caught her wrist, pulling her into him. "Please let your boyfriend walk you to your car."

"I suppose that I could do that," she smiled up at him, getting lost in his green eyes and the smile that had been painfully absent in the last little while.

"It was nice to meet you Ginny," Neville called out, Hannah's laughter harmonizing with his.

Ginny buried her face in Harry's chest for a moment before turning and waving goodbye.

"How early is your cake tasting?" Harry led her towards the door and their cars.

"It's not until ten, but I need to stop off at the office before that and check on a couple of things for Vic and Ted's wedding."

"Can I come by at lunch tomorrow then?" Harry ran his hand along her waist and kissed her exposed neck.

"If you don't stop I might crumble and just blow off all these weddings for you."

Harry laughed and Ginny loved the way it made her heart soar. It felt like old times, back when they first started dating.

"I won't tempt you too much then. Did you still want to be at the signing for my parents' home on Monday?"

Ginny slid her key into her door and nodded. "I've cleared my calendar for it. I want to make sure you give me one of the keys."

Harry ran a hand into his hair, "Maybe you could use it to bring some stuff over."

"Of course I'll help you move your stuff," Ginny leant between her car and the open drivers' door and looked up at Harry, the black sky mixing with the black of his hair. It would have been alluring if not for the fact that his brow was furrowed in the dim light as he looked down at her.

"Right, right, my things, right, thank you," he pushed his hand through his hair and pulled on it a moment. "I hope you know how much I appreciate how supportive you've been this last while. I don't know if I would have been able to do this without you."

Ginny pushed up and brought her lips to his, trying to pull the smile back to his face.

"I'll text you as soon as I'm home from the cake tasting."

Harry patted her cell phone in her back pocket and grinned against her lips, "I can't wait."

Ginny chuckled and pulled back to climb into her car. "I love you, Harry."

Harry brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. "I love you too, Gin."

It only took forty minutes to drive home, mostly because Ginny arrived home at half past eleven, and the exhaustion had completely set in at that point. She remembered that she needed to get the cake tasting appointment card out her purse, and almost chose to make it wait for morning, when she realized she didn't have her purse.

That was weird, normally she didn't forget her purse in the car. Sighing that she couldn't just fall into bed like she wanted to, Ginny trudged down to the car park and opened the passenger door to grab her purse.

Except it wasn't there.

Ginny's exhaustion seemed to evaporate instantly. She tore her car apart for almost five minutes before accepting that her purse was not in her car.

She must have left it at the restaurant.

Ginny ran upstairs to her flat where she had left her phone and called the restaurant.

"Yes, we did find a purse at that table, and it does match your description, ma'am." The hostess' voice was calm and friendly. "If you can make it back before we close at midnight then you can get it tonight, or you can come by tomorrow when we open at eleven and pick it up."

Ginny's heart stopped. She'd never make it. And she needed her business charge card for tomorrow, or even her own card, any card to be able to pay for the tasting.

"I, er I live too far away to pick it up tonight, but if I could maybe find someone I trust closer, could they come by and pick it up?"

"If you can tell me their name they offer identification then yes, I can let someone come get it for you."

Ginny breathed a sigh of relief. "Alright, I'll call right back and let you know if I can have someone come pick it up for me." She just hoped Ron would pick up.

"Ginny?" Ron's voice was full of concern, and a little groggy. "What's wrong?"

"I'm fine in that I'm not in any danger but I need to ask an enormous favor," Ginny held her breath for his response.

"Sure, sis, just give me a sec," Ron's answer was whispered now and she heard the shuffling of sheets.

"Alright," Ron yawned, "what's your huge favor that involved waking me up?"

"Sorry," Ginny had been hoping she wouldn't be waking him, but she knew better. Rose wore him and Hermione out. She'd make it up to him somehow. "I left my purse at that Indian restaurant Harry loves and if I can't get it picked up before they close in fifteen minutes then I won't be able to get it until eleven tomorrow and it has my wallet in it and I need the company card for tomorrow and,"

"I'm on it, Ginny, call them and tell them I'm coming."

"Thank you!" Ginny nearly cried. "I'll come to yours and get it from you. I have my keys, just leave it inside your front door and I'll use my key to grab it so you can go back to sleep. I'm so sorry and,"

"Don't be stupid, I'll bring it to you. And I'm hanging up before you can argue with me about it. Call them and tell them I'm coming."

Ginny started to argue, but true to his word, Ron disconnected the call.

Shoving aside her frustration, she called the restaurant, confirmed that Ron could pick up her purse for her and then fell onto her sofa to wait. Ten minutes later she got a text from Ron saying he picked up her purse and was heading her way.

Ginny then found herself in that awful position where the exhaustion was back but the adrenaline was still coursing through her, keeping her mind running full bore.

That turned out to be an awful situation.

It started with the frustration at forgetting her purse. That frustration quickly turned to frustration at Harry when she realized that she forgot it because he was distracting her. Nevermind the logical side of her brain that reminded her that she had loved him distracting her. The frustration at Harry quickly shifted to anger at how hard it was to support him through dealing with his grief. Especially when she needed him right now. This summer had been and would continue to be stressful and busy. But Harry needed her, it was obvious in how he'd asked to see her tomorrow - er, today - and how he'd asked for help moving his things without right out asking. And she needed to be there for him.

The weight of it all was crippling.

Ginny's emotions spun in her head as she waited for Ron to show up with her purse, twisting her up inside until she was barely holding back tears.

Ron thankfully showed up before she completely lost control.

"Everything alright?" Ron frowned at her when she opened the door.

"Oh, you know, just having a mental breakdown." Ginny shrugged, taking her purse from him.

Ron didn't even ask, he just shoved past her and into her flat. Ginny turned to see him rummaging through her cupboards.

"Does Hermione not feed you these days?"

Ron looked up in surprise, "You're upset. I'm making tea." He finally opened the cupboard that held her mugs and grinned in triumph. Then he began rummaging again looking for her tea bags.

"Ron," Ginny sighed, noticing he'd already turned on the kettle, and slumped into her chair.

"Sit," Ron focused on finding her tea and cried out with a loud "A-ha!" when he opened the drawer she kept it all in.

Harry had laughed when he'd figured out she kept her tea in a drawer probably meant for silverware, but Ginny insisted that the boxes fit perfectly in said drawer, so why would she bother with a cupboard?

Thinking about Harry pushed her back into the twisted mess of emotions that she'd spun, but Ginny forced it all back, trying to maintain control. She was gratefully and momentarily distracted when Ron set her mug in front of her.

"I hope you still take it like you did during university because it's all I remember for how you take your tea."

Ginny grinned at the over sugared and over milked drink. She wasn't going to tell Ron that she no longer took her tea this way, but it felt good to know that he had paid attention when they were both living at home and taking classes. To her surprise, the tea brought a wave of nostalgia, a longing for a simpler time in her life, when she wasn't having to function on such a high level. The undertow of that wave pulled her right back into the depths of the breakdown she'd been fighting, and this time she had no energy to fight it, and she let it pull her under.

"Let it out," Ron shoved his chair closer to her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "You'll feel better after you cry."

And Ginny did let it out. She cried all the emotions out of her system. She let out the stress from wanting to make Vic's wedding perfect. She let out all the stress from worrying about Harry. And she let out the stress from feeling like her relationship had become incredibly one-sided, and the fear that it would always remain so. When the tears had finally run their course, Ginny sighed.

"I'm pathetic."

"None of that now," Ron stretched from his chair to reach the box of tissues by the sofa. "I won't sit here and listen to you shame yourself with lies."

Ginny gratefully took a tissue and tried to clean herself up. At least it was her brother that had found her in this state. He understood that Weasley's were ugly criers the lot of them.

"Listen, I know things are stressful with Vic's wedding but trust me," Ron squeezed her shoulders, "you're brilliant and it's going to be everything she's dreamed about and then you can get back to normal."

"Ron," Ginny choked, "it's, it isn't just the wedding."

Ron turned to look at her face. "What else is going on?"

Ginny slumped under his gaze and looked away. "I'm worried about my relationship."

Ron was quiet for a long moment before clearing his throat, "Er, in what way, exactly?"

"Everything feels very," Ginny shook her head, "one-sided right now. I'm killing myself to be there for him and I'm worried that I'll ask too much of him while he's processing nearly two decades worth of grief, so I'm giving everything and asking for nothing and I'm drowning in all of this."

Ron grinned at her and Ginny wanted to punch him. "I'm so happy you could find some joy in my misery, brother dearest. Why don't you give me a papercut and then pour lemon juice over it while you're at it?"

"I'm not laughing at you, Ginny." Ron pulled his tea to his lips and drank deeply. "I'm smiling because you're in a real relationship."

"You're telling me that one person giving everything and the other being incapable of giving everything is the definition of a relationship." Ginny stared at him incredulously.

Ron shook his head, "It's part of the definition, yes." Ron set his mug down and smiled at her. "Ginny, real relationships, the kind that last as long as Mum and Dad and longer, they're the ones where both sides of the relationship know that they can have those times where they need to ask everything of the other person, and that they're willing to give everything when their partner needs it too."

Ginny shook her head, "You don't understand. There have been a few moments where I've thought that maybe I really didn't like Harry."

Ron laughed out loud, "I certainly hope you have."

"You like Harry! You invited him to play on your pick up football team!" Ginny ignored the irony of defending Harry after having just admitted to having moments of disliking him.

"I think Harry is the best bloke you've ever been with," Ron's shoulders shook as he chuckled, "but I don't think you're really in love with a person if you don't have moments where you think you might hate them."

"Isn't hate the opposite of love?" Ginny felt like Ron was speaking some warped dialect of crazy.

"Not at all," Ron took another drink, "the opposite of love is indifference. That's why you see enemies to lovers in the movies a lot. Hate and love are on the same side of the line. Indifference is their real opposite. If you end up not caring at all about Harry, in that he could stay or he could go and you wouldn't really care, now that would be a problem. But when you know an imperfect person so well that you can both love them and hate them, then you're only left with one question: will you choose to hold on to each other through all the emotions, especially the hard ones?"

Ginny took a deep breath and just processed Ron's words. "So, there have been times where you hated Hermione?"

Ron laughed, "Yes, Ginny, there are moments where I may hate Hermione, but I always love her more than anything that might make me momentarily hate her. And you know what, there's probably ten or twenty times a day where she does something that could annoy me, and I still love her more than all of it. And she'll tell you the same thing. But here's the thing, emotions are based on what's happening around us and how we react to those scenarios. Which means that our emotions will change. And I can tell you that every argument that Hermione and I have had has been because of a misunderstanding. We might end up making it worse by being blatantly obtuse with each other, but it always starts because one or both of us took something the wrong way."

"So what do you do? How do you make yourself stop hating her in those moments?"

"Depends, sometimes I'm on my game and I catch that I'm upset about something silly, but not usually. What's great about emotions is that circumstances change. So something that upsets me now probably won't still upset me in twenty-four hours."

Ginny looked down into her tea, "What about those things that might not change?"

"Well," Ron paused, "Hermione hates how I wash the dishes. But I'm not relearning how to wash dishes. So one day she sat down with me and said that she didn't like how I did the dishes and asked if I would please just help with the laundry instead of the dishes. That more or less fixed things. I still don't do the dishes the way she likes, but for the most part that doesn't come up because I'm folding clothes instead."

Ginny chuckled, "Was that when you were first married?"

"Nah, that was last month."

Ginny stared at him, "But you've been married for almost five years!"

Ron grinned, "Yep, it took Hermione and me a while to realize that hints and hoping the other person will read our mind doesn't work. You have to be willing to be vulnerable and let your partner know when you're struggling to work through something. If you're continually upset about it, then bring it up. Oh and don't start out by saying that they're making problems. Hermione hates when I do that."

Ginny laughed, "Yeah, I can see why she would."

"Look," Ron picked up his empty cup and took it to the sink. "I know that sometimes in a relationship, especially a new one, it can feel like those hard moments aren't going to go away, that since the hearts and roses haven't lasted forever that you're doomed to fail. But remember, things change, you change, they change, but usually, it's a good change, usually it's growth, and usually, you can choose to fall in love all over again. Don't throw away love just because you've realized that there are other emotions involved. Learn to hold on to each other tighter through the hard times than through the good. You'll be surprised what it feels like to love someone and be loved by someone who is going to push through the storm with you, even when you both might sometimes feel like it would be easier not to."

Ron's words washed over Ginny and for the first time in weeks, she felt like she had an idea of what to do.

"Thanks, Ron, I really appreciate all this."

"Sure thing, and Ginny," he put a hand on her shoulder, "I really think Harry is worth holding on to."

Ginny nodded, "I think so too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey," Harry grinned at her when he opened the door, "I thought you were going to text me when you finished up the cake tasting."

"The bakery is close by so I thought I'd surprise you." Ginny smiled when Harry closed the space between them and kissed her.

"I was hoping we could talk." She murmured against him.

"Then stop kissing me back," Harry chuckled against her.

Ginny pulled back and laughed. "Fine, not kissing you."

Harry moved to kiss her again but she turned and slid through the door.

"Alright," Harry followed behind her, "what are we talking about?"

Ginny led him up the stairs to his room but didn't answer him.

"Gin?" Harry's voice had a tinge of worry in it.

"It's nothing bad," Ginny assured him as she sat down on his bed and he closed the door behind them. "I just," she sighed.

"Hey," Harry joined her on the bed and pulled her close to him, "whatever you need, I'm here."

Ginny willed herself to trust that he meant it. "I've, I've been feeling like because you're working through your grief that I can't ask anything of you without opening you up to more pain."

Harry let out a loud breath like he'd been holding it in since she pulled away at the front door. "Well, that's both better and worse than what my gut panic suggested."

"I'm not breaking up with you," Ginny grabbed his leg. "I'm just, I don't know, I guess I'm trying to communicate with you."

"Come here," Harry tugged on her waist as he scooted up to the pillows at the head of the bed. Ginny followed him back and nestled into his outstretched arms.

"I won't lie, that kind of sucks to hear." Harry sighed as his hand began rubbing up and down her arm.

"It sort of sucks to say it," Ginny sighed.

"Have I done anything to make you feel that way? Or are you trying to protect me from yourself?"

Ginny thought through the question, trying to determine where the feeling had started. "I guess all this is coming from the way you shut down when Kelsey showed us your childhood home for the first time. It really scared me when you became so detached and then it felt like you shut me out and I was," she took a deep breath trying to calm the memory of how worried she was about him that day, "I was worried it would break us. That I was losing you."

Harry held her tight against him, his breathing was heavy like he was forcing it to be slow, calming himself down.

"I'm sorry I scared you." He squeezed her tightly as he said it. "I hope you know that me working through my grief is taking away a lot of the power it had over me, so that it won't be able to derail us."

Ginny felt a bit of hope in his words. She hadn't really thought about it that way. "Looking back now, I can see that I've let a lot of my decisions be dictated by fear. I was so afraid of you being right back in that mindset in the back of Kelsey's car that I didn't let myself see any change or growth. Last night at dinner I was on edge that talking about your past was going to trigger you the same way that the house did."

"Have you been on edge with everything?" Harry moved his hand to comb and play through her hair.

"Yes, but that's also been because I'm so stressed out. I've had so much work to get done and I'm so nervous about Vic and Ted's wedding because I want it to be perfect, and then I've been so scared to do anything that will make you shut down again and I've felt like I'm barely treading water." Ginny sighed. She wasn't sure if it was saying all of it out loud or if it was the way Harry was working his hand through her hair, but for the first time in weeks she felt like making it through the next day was possible.

"You are amazing, you know?" Harry kissed the top of her head. "I'm so grateful that you've been here to hold me up through all this, but please, Gin, let me help hold you up too. I may not always be at one-hundred percent, but I will always hold you up on whatever ground I have under me."

Ginny felt a calm seep into her chest and she looked up at Harry with a soft smile. "I will, and I love you."

Harry's green eyes bore into hers with an intensity that Ginny opened her mouth to ask what he was thinking, but she was cut off by his kiss. Multiple times he murmured he loved her too, and Ginny never got around to asking what he'd been thinking in that moment.

Which suited Harry just fine.

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Sean Depner as Viktor, Michael Mitton as Jaden, Benjamin Wadsworth as Marcus, Michel Duval as Chico, Lana Condor as Saya, Taylor Hickson as Petra — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

***Spoiler Warning***

With each passing week, King’s Dominion becomes a deadlier place. If these kids aren’t swallowed up by the world around them, then it will be the enemies of their own making who do them in. That old saying “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer” begins to make a lot of sense at a time like this.

After the events of “Snake Pit”, no one was going to walk away from that disaster without some consequence. I enjoyed how the majority of the core characters could be thrown into a Breakfast Club-like situation. It wasn’t the first time we have seen this done in a recent comic adaptation, and I suppose it wouldn’t be the last. For Deadly Class this was another memorable version of it since there is plenty more that can go wrong within the walls of this academy. Not to mention the students are more volatile. With that said, the bit of fun that they were able to take from this experience was refreshing. For a short time these students who might clash under different circumstances were simply acting normal. Even Chico, for whom that would be out of character. Marcus definitely turned into a different person when he smiled more in that short span of time than he has in the past three episodes. These times will be few and far between, so it was smart that it was enjoyable for how long it lasted.

Last week we were teased of someone coming after Saya, but the question was why. That took some time for us to get around to, but it was shocking to finally understand her situation with this academy. So far I have been impressed by the background of each character and the fact that not everyone enrolls under the same circumstances. Not all of them leave behind a family on good terms. The same could be said for Petra who you did not come to expect a story from either. As a Rat, it caught me off guard to get such an in-depth story to this death cult that everyone mocks her for being a part of. If you thought that this was just a goth joke, then you were surely proven wrong. Being the fourth week, I should also point out how unique it is that for these stories told, they use actual drawings to make connections to the comics. That is something to appreciate for a comic book adaptation. Especially one where the comic creatives have a hand in the show.

Story aside, this detention they they were trapped in escalated into what is so far the best scenes in the series for the action. They were really put to the test against actual killers. An interesting situation that forced them to be able to think on their feet instead of acting too rash. When the time did come to fight? That did not disappoint one bit considering who also had a stake in this invasion of the school for Saya. The excitement in this part of the episode was also not knowing who was safe and who could bite the dust. If you read the books, then you knew who would walk out of this in one piece. If that isn’t you? The suspense was painful when it was pretty much anything goes. If everything went right, this show would bot be living up to the name.

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

For the comic readers this episode, the biggest shocker was finding out just what kind of man Chico really is. I recall when my brother read the book, he couldn’t contain himself about the revelation that everyone stuck with Chico comes to learn about him. When he said that everyone else was competition, that wasn’t just words to a guy like him. His actions didn’t even hit you the way that you were prepared for. That is how well the execution was in the moment.

There was a few subplots, but the one that stood out most was that involving Billy. Just when you think you have the kid figured out, you are quickly hit with a new layer to his story. This layer however might break your heart. While the others have their own tragic stories, what they went through was in the past. For Billy? His problems carry over into the present, and it unfortunately dictates his future as well. I’m not going to lie that I almost shed a tear when Billy explained it all. The emotion poured from his words, and he even wore that pain too. When you know where this is going to lead Billy? This scene gives you reason to root for the kid to be more than what you see on the surface.

After Master Lin’s actions in the previous episode, there was some fallout to expect from him mentally. From what I know about this character in the books, it is something to get used to that he is more sympathetic in the show. Is it a problem? Not at all. It would be a different story if he was a villain and they were trying to get us to feel sorry for him at the same time. I am a firm believer that it is either one or the other. Trying to do both is biting off more than you can chew.

Deadly Class “Mirror People” was a roller coaster of emotions when we went from afterschool special, to the real madness that comes with the lives they live. This was another week where we got to learn things about these characters in creative ways. Some things that better connect you to them, other things that simply revealing for what is seen past the acts.

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Michel Duval as Chico, Sean Depner as Viktor, Benjamin Wadsworth as Marcus, Taylor Hickson as Petra, Lana Condor as Saya — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: The Kamiga Brothers — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: Taylor Hickson as Petra — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

DEADLY CLASS — “MIrror People” Episode 103 — Pictured: (l-r) Lana Condor as Saya, Taylor Hickson as Petra, Michel Duval as Chico, Benedict Wong as Master Lin, Michael Mitton as Jaden, Sean Depner as Viktor, Benjamin Wadsworth as Marcus — (Photo by: Katie Yu/SYFY)

Deadly Class “Mirror People” Review ***Spoiler Warning*** With each passing week, King's Dominion becomes a deadlier place. If these kids aren't swallowed up by the world around them, then it will be the enemies of their own making who do them in.

💕💘🌞⚡️💧💔❌ :/ i almost just sent em all tbh

💕 IN LOVE

Levi in love is just--- such a puppy love kinda thing. Like when he’s ACTUALLY properly in love with someone, and it’s not just a fleeting crush or fling, he’s just so so in love with them. Everything they do is perfect and amazing they can do no wrong. He’ll jsut love to sit and watch them, because just looking at them going about their day makes him happy. He’ll want to be with them constantly. Just to be close to them. He can get super clingy tbh. He just thinks they’re so wonderful, and he’ll tell them that and how much he loves them a lot. He’s very happy when in love. 

Haha. Oh boi. A mess?? He’s not ready for love okay. He’s still got so much of himself to work out. It just throws a spanner into the works and makes things worse. He can’t even really recognize love when he feels it because pretty much all emotions are just bad for him tbh. Maybe later on when he’s more?? Idk in tune with his mentions?? He’ll be better. One way or another he’ll mother the person he loves, he wants to take care of them and look after them, and also to spoil them. Since he’s not really good at expressing himself through words he’ll do it through acts kinda thing. 

I honestly am not sure. Andrew has never been in love, far from it. He’s always been too alone and awkward to get close enough to someone. If he was in a relationship and in love, it might make him a little more bold. And I mean-- Andrew bold so that means he’d initiate some hand holding or something so i mEAN. 

Super caring, super attentive, very self-sacrificing. Like--- to a very bad extent. If he was ever in a toxic relationship it’d be very bad for him. He’d give up everything, like his whole education and dream of being a doctor if the person he loved really needed in. But--- yeah, generally just wants to be there for the person, and to help the in anyway he can. 

He’s never been in love and does NOT want to be thank you very much. I don’t think he’d be much different from his normal self tbh?? But he’d very new so idk. He’d be very devoted though once in love. Despite how he normally acts, he would never cheat or anything like that. Once he’s in actual love that is. 

💘 LUSTING

Ugh. Just--- I mean ?? Normal Levi tbh lmao. He’s his usual flirty self I suppose. But to a higher extent. And he’ll be VERY touchy. Sometimes it’ll be subtle touches, little brushes of his fingers on your skin, barely there and gone before you know it. Other times it;ll be obvious grabbing and touching ans groping. All in all he’s not very subtle and he makes his intentions very much known. 

I mean-- he pretty much just goes for it. He’s not shy about it yknow. He’ll jsut give it a crack, make his intentions known, see where it goes from there. He can be relatively charming when he wants to be. He wouldn’t start touching the person until it was kinda, like-- made obvious that they were dtf. But after that point he’d get right on with it. 

Impossible. He is a pure boy. He does not feel lust. I mean-- if/when he did which wouldn’t be often. He’d just be very confused with himself and feel weird?? He’d never act on it or show it. he’d just be like ?? tf is going on with u andrew chill

He gets very flustered tbh. He turns to mush when t comes to things like this. Very much not the dominating type, even if he tried to be he’d be really flustered and unconvincing doing so. He wouldn’t make it obvious if he was lusting over someone, he’d more than likely wait for them to come to him. Very shy, but very sensual, he would want to touch them a lot. 

I mean--- it’s basically default Dante lmao. So yeah, his usual self. Very flirty and charming and whatnot. Also very confident. Depending on the person he could get pretty touchy too. 

🌞 HAPPY

Again, he’s not sublte. He’ll show how happy he is very obvious. He’ll be grinning and smiling and looking all bright. he doesn’t hide it at all and his body language gives it away if his words don’t already. 

I feel like it’s honestly a little bit rare to have a purely genuinely happy Luke?? Like he’s mostly pretty chill and content I guess?? But he’s not often at a level when he’s just ?? smiling-- not smirking, smiling and happy and just. A sight for sore eyes. When he’s happy he can’t really hide it, not that he wants to. He’ll smile and be cheerful and a little affectionate tbh. 

Also doesn’t exactly happen often. He’s very awkward with emotions and whatnot. So he’d jsut smile, it’d be shown through small little things. A small small, maybe acting a little, just slightly more confident kinda thing. 

Well I mean for one--- his freckles glow when he gets happy. And he’s literally just so bright and warm and all sunshine. He couldn’t hide it even if he wanted to. He’s got such a sweet warm and welcoming smile. And he’d want to spread the happiness he’s feeling. 

He’d be all smiles and laughs?? He’s generally happy most of the time, when he’s not with his dad that is. But yeah, his usual self, being a cocky shit, grinning acting dumb and mischievous and whatnot. 

⚡️ ANGRY

Slightly depending on what makes him angry, but typically once again, he doesn’t hide it. He’ll show he’s angry one way or another. If he’s like pissed -- he’ll either tell you off and rip you apart bc he can be mEAn when he wants. Or he’ll yell at you. Or he’ll just be all grumpy and sulky or something. 

Yikes. Luke doesn’t like getting angry, he really genuinely doesn’t. It’s not pleasant. It’s not fun. It doesn’t make him feel good. Plus, he knows if he properly loses his temper and lets the anger overwhelm him he can and will say things he’ll eventually regret, hurtful things. So when he starts getting angry he really tries his best to suppress it and hold it in. Even as it starts to burst out, his anger is a bit like a roller coaster. He’ll be screaming and mad and stuff, then reign himself in and try to be rational and calm down, only to be mad mad again seconds later and go off again. 

Andrew almost never gets angry. Partly jsut because he can almost always find a way to blame himself for whatever the thing is. But when he does it’s usually more of a scolding rather than him getting angry. He wouldn’t get angry over someone he didn’t care about. And he’d never get properly angry at someone he did. So it’s more like a “pls stop doing that’/acting that way its bad for (inserts reasons)” 

He can get pretty angry when it’s it’s called for. He won’t take it laying down. And will bite back if he needs. But that’s usually in extreme cases. Generally, he can get pissy or grumpy but it doesn’t last long and he backs down very easily. He doesn’t have much of a spine most of the time when he gets angry.

I feel like he has different levels of anger?? Like he could just get a bit pissy or annoyed from time to time. And he’d let you know. He’s not gonna hold it back and would straight up tell you and/or hit you. But then there’s also losing his shit angry where he’d beat the living hell out of you so :/

💧 SAD

Levi?? Sad?? Haha that doesn’t exist :)))) He just bottles it all up. Pretends he’s fine. He literally refuses to acknowledge his sadness. He just. Doesn’t. He doesn’t fuck with it. He refuses. 

Another boy who doesn’t let himself feel sad. He’s got that whole ?? toxic masculinity kinda thing where he thinks guys can’t be sad and god fORBID cry. His whole life anytime he was sad or anything he was just told to basically man up or suck it up kinda thing?? That’s something that really got to him, and even with time and growth it probably wont go away much. Showing emotions for him, like sadness at least, makes him feel super vulnerable. He doesn’t like it. It makes him feel weak and pathetic and unmanly. So he doesn’t he bottles that shit up. 

He doesn’t really get sad often either. He’s a bit of an emotionless boi. But when he does most of the time he’ll keep it to himself. Maybe have a cry to himself or smth. He might also cry if he was disappointed in someone or himself. But yeah, he’s not a very emotional person so. 

He’s pretty open with his emotions so he’d not afraid to cry or show that he’s sad. The only thing that would make him hide it is not wanting to be a burden to someone. But even then-- he’s not good at hiding any of his emotions really. So if he was sad you’d be able to tell. 

Nooooo thanks. Sadness? Dante doesn’t know her :/ It’s a bit like the Luke thing. He wasn’t allowed to be sad. He wasn’t allowed to be weak. Nothing like that. He removes himself from any sadness, completely dissociates from it. You’ll likely never catch him being sad, let alone ever crying or anything. 

💔 HEARTBOKEN

---Levi has never had his heart broken.

Luke also hasn’t had his heart broken. But I imagine he’d bury the feeling deep down and carry on with life like he was fine bc ?? emotions?? nah.

Never liked anyone never had his heart broken. But if he did he’d be crushed by it I think. If something with Andrew ever got to the point of him liking someone enough to have his heart broken then he’d be super crushed when it happened. It’s devastate him. 

He’d be very much devastated. But-- he’d try his best to pick himself up and move on. It’d take him a while though, and he’d be sad for a while. But he’d try to push through it. He wouldn’t want people worrying about him. But he’d never be able to see the person again, because even like--- years later seeing them would make him upset. 

He’s never had his heart broken and he doesn’t plan to ever fall in love so :/ But if he did ever let someone in enough to have his heart broken. yIKES. I think it would break him?? Completely?? It’d only take one time to fuck him up for good tbh. And depending on how it happened he’d either just be crushed and really sad/broken, or he’d be sad/broken and maliciously destroy your entire life. 

❌ JEALOUS

Oh boi. He’s the type to just get super grumpy. But also not act like he’s grumpy. He’ll just go up to the person and touch them, depending on the situation he’ll get super handsy. He would not be above fucking in front of someone just to prove who the person was with. He can be super petty and would likely want to punish the person he was dating/liked as well as the other one who made him jealous. 

BIG YIKES. Luke goes beyond jealousy and gets straight to possessive. A big part of it is his whole ?? being super out of touch with his emotions. He just doesn’t know how to process the feelings of jealousy. He can’t deal with it. It makes him so frustrated. He’s also a bit of a controlling person in general so when he gets jealous and he can’t just ?? control the person and make them stop it frustrates him more. He really doesn’t know how to healthily deal with it. So it just makes him angry and desperate and irrational. Feeling jealous really hurts Luke, it makes him feel super insecure, which of course he doesn’t like and it makes him more angry. So all in all it ends with him being possessive and getting mad. He’ll lash out and make ridiculous demands, the type to test the person to see if they’ll pick him over whoever or whatever the thing making him jealous is. Not good. Unhealthy. Bye. 

One of those blaming himself type moments. He’d put himself down, and think about how much better that person is with the person he likes. In an extreme case he would possibly even push the two of them together. But mostly he’d just mope to himself and distance himself and feel all sad. 

He doesn’t really get jealous tbh. Unless he’s given a real reason to be. Like if his s.o was out there purposefully trying to make him jealous then sure, he would be. But he’d just be upset with their behavior and he’d call them out on it. But other than that not so much, he might get a little insecure from time to time, but he’d just need a little reassurance to feel better. 

It very much depends for Dante. If he just liked someone, had a crush but they weren’t together he’d get jealous. He’d be nowhere near Luke’s level but he’d be on the possessive side. He’d want to keep them away from whoever was making him feel jealous. He probably wouldn’t get so angry like Luke though. In most cased. But--- if he was in a relationship with the person. Nope. No jealousy. He’d be pretty chill. And he’d trust the person. Just don’t break that trust. He might still feel jealous from time to time but he’d hold it back and calm himself by telling himself to trust them. 

I need to say something

I know everyone is going all out on Pink Diamond and their theories on how she was shattered, specifically who was responsible. Normally it's thrown around that it was Yellow Diamond or White Diamond but…where are we to judge? We were told Pink Diamond was a pure cinnamon roll who was a victim of circumstance. What we got was a spoiled brat who although we ADORE her, she's NOTHING like we thought she'd be.

So why are we judging White Diamond so quickly?

So this is just a rant. I'm writing my point across because I'm trying understand what immediately points people to Yellow or White.

Why Yellow is probably innocent:

Yellow has shown remorse for the loss of her fellow Diamond when she sings "What's the use of Feeling Blue?" where she is singing to Blue Diamond, asking why she would drown herself in regret and mourn for THIS long. At the end we see her growing upset of Pink, who by her size is probably off colored, and is trying not to let a single tear appear as she's trying to get it together but as the song repeats "What's the use of feeling?" she questions herself.

YELLOW CARED ABOUT PINK A LOT.

We may not see it as plainly in Jungle Moon as she says things and does things really differently than we'd expected. Now assuming this is like the theory where this was an EXTREMELY early memory of Pink's, Yellow may have just started to get acquainted with Pink being around her. She did however call her "honey" so I'm assuming 1) if this Theory holds up then maybe Yellow was talking like she normally would. Then I look back at how she acts with Blue but let's not forget, she was trying to bring Blue to her senses, not having any type of "normal" conversation. In fact, Connie's own mother was in place of Yellow Diamond. This means Yellow was at the very least a family figure. I don't care who you are in the family, when someone is older than you, you immediately think "well they're very authoritative" until you turn 16. 2) Like I mentioned, it still could be earlier on but some time after Pink's birth. Enough time in fact that she at least felt like calling her that. Think of that sister or brother you've had for a few months and you say shortened versions of their names or give them nicknames like "boo boo" "little bean" or "darlin'". Guys,

YELLOW IS NOT TO HAVE LIKELY BEEN THE GUILTY PARTY!

Oh but what about the trial, you ask? Well, let me ask you something…think hard on this one. You have the criminal everyone says shattered your beloved relative anD THEN THE LAWYER SUDDENLY TURNS TOWARDS YOU AND SHOUTS THAT YOU MAY HAVE KILLED THEM INSTEAD! Do you see my point? Yellow didn't get frustrated and zap the Zircons because she shattered Pink but because THEY DARED to think a DIAMOND, someone they cherished, WOULD HURT ANOTHER DIAMOND!! It was so ridiculous to Yellow that she lashed out!

Why White Diamond may possibly be innocent:

This one is more so your perception. How did you picture her absence? In my head I thought that she was OFFICIALLY DONE with all this mess. Like in every group there is the Strategy, the Muscle, the Heart, and the Spirited. I like to think that when we meet White Diamond, she will be the mind, the strategist of the group. The Athena of the gods, if you will. Yellow Diamond is probably more so on a war like side so I've pictured her as Ares and GUYS! This has to somehow be similar! From what we've seen, Blue is mournful and at times angry around her subjects. I HONESTLY think that Blue and Pink had a Demeter and Persephone relationship; aka a mother and daughter relationship. Pink is the spirit, thinks should have whatever wants and does what she feels like if she can get away with it.

But white…White is hiding from everyone. I feel like she might have become more withdrawn. Pink has been shattered and from all we can see is that Bkue isn't finished with her mourning; Yellow finished rather quickly and did things as she did before by my guessing, but White… What if…and only what if, White had been more social based? We all must have heard the theory that she may have some type of perception of the mind but wouldn't that mean you have to talk as well? They're are many people I've read who can control people or change people with their mind and the majority of them are SOCIAL BUTTERFLIES. What if Pink's shattering hurt White so deeply that she had become withdrawn, doing her work like Yellow but still mourning like Blue? What if somewhere in between she was able to move on…she was able to accept Pink was gone and that they would rise from this but this still left emotional damage. White started to be more like Yellow, didn't socialize as normal and why? As where Yellow is okay going to where Pink used to be and believes she won't cry, White probably believes she will.

So why would she go to a trial where she would see Pink's murderer?

Guys, white has had enough. She didn't want to go on this roller coaster of emotions again. She didn't want to remember Pink! Like Yellow she wants it behind her, but that's also where they differ. White did leave it. She didn't go to the trial. Yellow, on the other hand, did. Yellow can't leave it even though she wants to. White agreed to the war because THAT was her closure!

This is why we can't judge them like this. This is why we can't point fingers to someone we don't know.

But what is my opinion on what happened? Well, I don't know. How could I? They're are SEVERAL theories that Pink is actually Rose, that Pink shattered herself, there's also the two Pink Diamond theory. Who knows, Rebecca might curve us one and reveal Pink was never actually shattered and the only reason Eyeball thought she was shattered could be that she disappeared after seeing Rose Quartz.

What am I suggesting? Something completely out of fanfiction. Something that will make you people slap me, probably. I honestly don't know WHAT happened or who did it. But how did Rose know she couldn't exist with Steven? There'd have to be ANOTHER hybrid for her to know. I'm suggesting that Pink Diamond may have fallen in love with a human. THINK ABOUT IT! Yes, she may have fallen in love with nature but COME ON! She was raised in a place where she was to disregard it. I think she didn't see it, like most gems, until she saw the humans. The humans grew scared, thinking they did something to displease their gods. One human male with no other half walked up and SPOKE to Pink. Pink was probably baffled and this only grew her interest in humans. She probably spoke a lot to this ONE human. He told her things about humanity. He explained they're needs, wants, pleasures; and at the time, nature was indeed a type of pleasure. Humans in this age RESPECTED nature. They LOVED it. Nature gave them a home, gave them food! This changed Pink's outlook on the nature of Earth and decided to preserve it. Pink still needed more information. She evidently WANTED to experience some of their 'pleasures' and surely fell in love with that male. They didn't know how this would work though. After researching, giving so much life to the Zoo, she decided she would have a child despite the low survival rate of women.

She tell Rose Quartz the day of her supposed "shattering" and when she leaves she gave birth, making her physical form disappear. The male took his child and ran somewhere safe. Eyeball ASSUMED she was shattered by Rose Quartz. Rose knew about the child and when she was still fight the war, found the male taking care of the child. Rose asked questions and THIS is how she knew she wouldn't be able to stay when she had Steven. It's also very logical, and even if it wasn't the case, that Pink shattered herself; let's think this over. Pink is probably a hot mess. She feels the need to prove herself because of Yellow. White? Well, she gave her this planet. White most likely set expectations. Ones she believed Pink could complete, which Yellow may have argued with. Blue was there to act as a compromise for Yellow, saying she'd help.

Well that's all I've got to say…This whole thing was to show how much I dislike us pointing fingers because WE DONT KNOW what happened. I wanted to be the opposition to the "White shattered Pink" theory. Thank you for your time!

personal

qrow + Jackson Rosenthal ( @thehopefulones​ )

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“I thought it would be harder to find you.” the boy scrunched up his nose for a second and stepped closer to peer at Qrow through his glasses critically, “At least…I’m pretty sure it’s you.”

qrow’s hand moves right to his weapon hilt. he’d already seen illusion semblances using a child as bait. it usually worked better with younger, crying children, rather than those who apparently knew what they were talking about slightly beyond their years and dressed appropriately for independent travel, but…

he doesn’t shy from the kid’s gaze, rather meets it with just as much scrutiny. “so it’s like that is it?” his voice lowers to a rasp, “then who is it you’re lookin’ for, and more importantly, who’s doin’ the askin’?”

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“Whoa. Are you really a huntsman?”

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“a-yup. license and all. what makes you ask, kid?”

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Jackson pulled his hood a little tighter around his head in an excited gesture, his excitement almost overcoming his shyness. “I can just tell?” A vague answer. He tilted his head to the side thoughtfully, before he pointed at Harbinger and elaborated, “You don’t have that to hurt people.”

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kid if you only knew. qrow looks around for any sign of something like a parent, while trying to keep him entertained long enough.

“well, the idea is to protect people. according to most hunstman, anyway. although, i don’t recommend making a habit of approaching strangers carrying a weapon. even though i am a huntsman, not all of ‘em are the good kind.”

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Not a single one. Against all reason, this scrawny boy appeared to be completely on his own and entirely too confident about it. Jackson looked around as well, wondering what Qrow was searching for, until his words got his attention. “Oh, I know that. People can be as dangerous as Grimm and tree nuts,” he proclaimed. “I thought with how many more there are lately, it would be harder to find you.” The boy scrunched up his nose for a second and stepped closer to peer at Qrow through his glasses critically, “At least…I’m pretty sure it’s you.”

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speaking of such things, qrow’s hand moves right to his weapon hilt at that statement. he’d already seen illusion semblances using a child as bait. it usually worked better with younger, crying children, rather than those who apparently knew what they were talking about slightly beyond their years and dressed appropriately for independent travel, but…

well, his friends and allies also had a few weirdos on their side. he doesn’t shy from the boy’s gaze, rather meets it with just as much scrutiny. “so it’s like that is it?” his patient teacher-voice lowers to a rasp, “then who is it you’re lookin’ for, and more importantly, who’s doin’ the askin’?”

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Jackson didn’t see his guard rise up as much as he felt it and he understood, even if it frightened him a little. He hesitantly moved his hood down, showing a mop of jet black hair and a set of loppy rabbit ears. A faunus. “Right. Manners, um…my name is Jackson. I’m from Mistral, I’m– I’m trying to get into the Huntsman academy there, but I’m not old enough yet.” He was nervous. His heart was beating very quickly. Jackson took a deliberate, slow breath to calm himself down and he slowly took his pack off. “I think I’m supposed to help you.” the boy explained carefully, as he opened the top and reached inside to get his sketchbook. He could explain better with that.

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qrow drops only his stance, not his hands nor his guard. while the kid’s sudden fluff of ears looks entirely too soft to be dangerous, that meant exactly nothing in the reality of the world. explaining that he’s a wannabe huntsman has more of an effect, clicks a few more pieces together in a less threatening picture.

great. yet another child growing up too damn fast.

he watches the boy, lines of his expression shaping more into pointed curiosity. he appreciates ‘manners’ from the boy, but is selective in their use himself. he’ll save his own introduction once he knows what the hell is going on.  

attention moves from boy to sketchbook and back with an expectant pop of his brow.

“… help? …me? look, kid, can you get to the point?”

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“Sorry, sir.” Jackson flipped through the pages with shaky, chilled fingers until he found the sketch he was looking for. It was more made of charcoal scratches than anything else, but a contemplative look quickly revealed the image, thanks to the tiny spots of colors to point them out. The thing in his nightmares. He was little enough that it blurred at the details but not so little he could ever forget. The dreams came, bad memories until Jackson finally noticed something leading him out. The boy turned it around and showed Qrow the picture, looking at him with wide eyes, petrified at the reaction he was going to get. It was a blackened wraith like image almost that of a man, but there were only two definitive traits. Curling behind this demonic creature was a stinger tipped tail and an impossibly wide, evil grin that split the face nearly in twain. But behind him, perched among the shadows, a little black bird. Red eyes, halfway between taking off, emitting a silent raucous call. Jackson hesitantly pointed at the bird, “You.” Jackson clarified, “I know it doesn’t make sense. I-I don’t know how to make it make sense, I just draw what I see. Try to know what it means and follow it…I’m sorry. I know it sounds unbelievable.” Jackson lowered the sketchbook, before hugging it close to his chest and his gaze dropped back down to his feet. He felt like a freak.

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little by little qrow continues to relax, as little by little Jackson acts like a normal young boy. well, as normal cryptic-speech, lone-traveling, future huntsman, lop-eared bunny boys got. he’s seen enough students in his class and people around the world to expand his definition of normal, in any case. he lets go of Harbinger, looks away for only a moment as pages are shuffled, and when his gaze returns he suddenly regrets letting himself ever feel at-ease.

all at once his own worst nightmares are before him, too, if nightmare is even strong enough of a word. a surge of primal rage sweeps through him like a billow on hot coals sending gunsmoke swirling through a chimney. fists tighten at his sides, nails digging into palms, but they don’t lift to threaten, and any scowl on his face is directed not at the boy, but only the image of what had to be tyrian callows.

yet even for how all-consuming as suddenly coming face to face with his nemesis in the middle of dinner felt, there remains another surprise.

you

he says at the crow, and each of qrow’s hardened edges fall away to the abject terror of being all at once known.

sort of. maybe. the kid knows that this is all truth, but he doesn’t speak as if he fully understands. he’s glad when the sketchbook is pulled away, for gods know he’s one to get far too lost and fixated in his own thoughts, and something tangible to fixate on nearly has him catatonic. the image, however, will remain permanently stuck in his brain if only for how utterly appropriate the caricature really is.

crimson eyes like the drawing move once again to the boy, still wide, processing, but unassuming. he knows what it’s like to feel ostracized for merely being who you are, for being a bearer of bad news. it’s not Jackson’s fault.

qrow reaches up to run a hand through his hair, blinks a few times, finds all the breath that had been knocked out of him. he pinches the bridge of his nose and one more heavy sigh joins the pile of resignation in his life.

“you’re not crazy, kid. it makes sense. to me, anyway. my name…” he points at himself in mimic of a smaller finger pointing at the picture, and hopes its full reality can hide behind the illusion of symbolism for the time being, “it’s qrow.”

if ever he needed a drink, it’s in this moment, but he’ll settle for just having a sit down at the nearest table and realizing his head is already spinning on its own from the emotional roller coaster he just got off of. he motions at Jackson, “pull up a seat. …you said you ‘draw what you see.’ is this a… semblance thing?”

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Like the blaze of a house fire burning in his throat, Jackson was keenly aware of how this image pulled open something that was not even close to being healed. It overwhelmed him for a moment and Jackson followed his instincts and stepped back in case this wasn’t actually as safe of an endeavor like he originally thought. But it diffused not long after it started and where Jackson had previously been avoiding looking at him at all costs, he perked up and quickly hid a tired giggle behind his book. “Qrow? Really?” he asked, not mockingly but delighted. At the invitation, Jackson inched over to the offered chair, still recovering from the astonishment that the man just accepted his oddity and moved on to the important questions, although it made him curious too. “Yessir. Usually it’s in dreams but it’s not an exact science.” he answered, already relieved to rest his feet. He had never done so much walking in his whole life until recently. In fact, whatever Qrow asked him next was delayed to be understood. Fought as he might as he rested his arms on the tabletop, Jackson could not keep his head up. He slowly lowered his chin down onto them and blinked sleepily, feeling he had finally reached the end of something, accomplished a part of his goal and he could stop and breathe. “I don’t want him to hurt anybody else.” he mumbled. “Wanted to stop him before…I’m sorry I couldn’t.”

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well, qrow more or less constantly has a blazing house fire going on within him, so its containment has become something of a well-honed skill. the boy may have opened a window, cracked a door, but qrow can easily slam his barriers shut again once he gets his bearings.

Jackson earns the rolling of red eyes, even if he means no malice. yes, really. that’s what happens when someone’s name comes from their actual impression on people, and also a bunch of bandits. “don’t call me sir.” it’s a sign of age and of authority he really doesn’t want to have, “qrow is fine. mr. qrow, if your parents would have your hide or somethin’.” even that title has been lost since his teaching days.

qrow gets comfortable in his seat, but not nearly as comfortable as Jackson. he fears his last comment and questions are about all he’ll get to tonight, because exhaustion weights the air between them both. Just how far has he traveled? he stares down the person across the table, watches him fold in, settle, soften and let go of all the mystery. the last bit of huntsman aggression sighs away as qrow follows suit, feels sorry for the kid. prophetic dream semblances and just how Tyrian is involved in all this will have to wait. though it only takes a few guesses to figure out what usually trails in Tyrian’s wake.

“yeah, well you’re not alone in that, kid. an’ he’s nowhere near your personal responsibility.”

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“Sorry sir– I mean…Mister Qrow?” it felt odd. Felt like he was breaking some unspoken rule of respect. Jackson pouted over it for a moment, resolving to figure out if he had a last name later and to stick with Mister (blank) for the future. But he quieted quickly at the mention of parents. Oh, his mother would have his hide indeed but not for this reason. And there would be a lot of crying and questions and– His heart wouldn’t take thinking about that right now. Jackson shook it away from his mind, reminding himself that this was important and when it was all said and done, she would understand. And things would be better. All the lost sleep, loneliness, fear and wandering would be worth it some day, that he knew inside. He slowly dragged himself to sit upright again and looked at Qrow. At him, through him. His eyes a piercing blue that was a color like a cornflower but one sitting at the bottom of a pond that was deeper than it looked. Much deeper. “It’s as personal as it could ever be,” Jackson said, his words holding a definitive tone. His hand had reached into his coat and withdrawn something, a long steel cylinder. A dagger sheath, Mistralian for sure. Jackson stared at it for a while, his knuckles turning white with how hard he was gripping it.

Don’t cry. I’m too big to cry over this now. He took a deep breath, finding he wasn’t able to just outright say it. So he tried the vague path. “I inherited this too soon because of him. But it’s not about revenge. It’s about doing the right thing. I think that’s something you understand, that’s– that’s why I had to be here.”

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he said it’s fine, yet he really wishes the ‘huntsman’ title came with a new honorific he could use. a bit more dangerous and grizzled, formal or informal as someone made it. he’s never been a proper mister of anything.

but the kid’s just trying to be a good one. and struggling to be that, or much of anything on this plane of existence, if his expression shone true. an unsettling stare follows up with even more unsettling words, no matter how expected.

qrow looks at the dagger, looks at Jackson, and down again. red eyes sink like falling embers holding a steadier burning rage than what heats the boy’s hands to a blinding white. but the only concern that fills his chest at the moment is the safety and well-being of the person in front of him, not a vendetta down the line.

“yeah,” he says low with no coating to his voice. it’s too late to pretend any innocence houses in the inn tonight. he pulls Clover’s pin off of the inside of his lapel, and sets it down on the table in front of where smaller hands hold that dagger, “that’s something i understand. …no one else, right? like i said, he’s hurt a lot of people, kid. there’s a whole line’a folks who want to make it right, so no more runnin’ around on your own, agreed?”

Telesthesia - Liam Dunbar

Chapter 3.

Uncle Chris frowns as he walks into the kitchen where I’m preparing dinner. “Is that smell coming from the food?” He asks, a disgusted look on his face. 

I did burn candles, even made a fire in the fireplace in an attempt to get rid of the smell. Liam went home a long time ago, but the aftermath of what he did lingers throughout the house. “Leftovers were rotting in the fridge.” I say, quite convincing if I say so myself. “I emptied it out but the smell is a lot harder to get rid of.” 

“Right. I haven’t quite figured out yet how to cook for just me.” He looks a little sad, and I feel bad for lying. Uncle Chris lost his family because of the supernatural, and here I am allowing those creatures into his home. 

“I’m not much of a cook.” I tell him. “So it’s going to be pasta pesto for tonight.”  

“Ah, that’s fine.” he nods. “How was school today?” 

“I wasn’t allowed to attend any classes because something went wrong with the paperwork.” I nod to the files I left on the kitchen island. “Could you have a look at them?” 

Uncle Chris moves over to the island, frowning a bit as he picks up the first set of papers. “I thought your father went over these.” 

“Yeah, he did.” I nod. “I don’t know what went wrong. Tried to fill out most of what I knew but-“ 

“It’s okay, Noelle.” My uncle smiles. “I’ll get to these right away.” 

“Thank you.” I smile, relieved. It would take me at least a couple more hours if I had to fill them out by myself. 

“So I take it you didn’t make any friends?” 

I shake my head. “I was the talk of the day, though.” 

Chris chuckles. “Allison had the same on her first day.” He smiles. 

“Did she? From what I heard she instantly fell in with the popular crowd.” 

My uncle nods. “True, but then the popular crowd got degraded to the town wackos.” he laughs.

“Hey at least they went down together.” I chuckle. A bitter feeling settles in my stomach as it seems that this town only brings people down. After dinner I go straight to bed, but I can’t seem to fall asleep. All I can think about is that this town is supposed to be the solution to my problems. Am I naive to believe that it still could be? 

The shower I take the following morning burns my skin and colors it red. I scrub my skin until I’m  completely sure the smell of Liam is gone. I don’t want suicide attempt lingering on my skin.

On my walk to school I feel my exterior toughening with every step that I take. The emotional roller coaster that was last night had thrown me off guard. I know I could never allow this town to be anything other than my key back to Isaac. I can’t afford to be distracted.

“Noelle?” I don’t need to have a look to recognize that the voice belongs to Liam. He brings his car almost to a stop, but I keep walking and he drives beside me. “Noelle.” He says again, and I stop in my tracks. Turning sideways to face him, I’m shocked by how much better he looks. His hair is still a mess and his eyes look a little wary, but he looks… alive.

“Hi.” I say, not sure of how to act. I saved his life, but that doesn't make us friends. That became awfully clear to me when he left the house yesterday. I know it has to do with my last name. I’m an Argent, which makes me the enemy. 

Liam cocks his head. “Get in.” 

I hesitate, but what harm could there be? I walk around the car and get into the passenger side. Once I’m seated my mind starts rattling up all the things that actually could go wrong since I just got into the car with a werewolf, how very sensible of me. Liam drives off without a word, which gives me time to think, and time to notice that he smells really good. I shake it off by telling myself that he smells good compared to yesterday’s stench. He could smell and I’d still think he has a nice scent. 

“You’re not gonna tell anyone about what happened yesterday, are you?” Liam frowns.

“I don’t even know anyone around here.” I roll my eyes. 

“I don’t care, no one hears of this. Not even Chris.” His voice is harsh and stern.

“Fine.” I shrug, I wasn’t gonna tell anyone, anyways. 

“Good.” He nods.

Again we drive in silence until I can no longer stand the white noise. “Why are you driving me to school?” 

“You’ll be late if you walk.” 

“I won’t be.” 

“Class is starting in five minutes.” Liam states. I don’t tell him that I’m not allowed to attend any classes yet. In fact, I don’t attempt to start up conversation again. Only moments pass by before we make it to the school.

“Thanks.” I mutter. The car hasn’t fully come to a stop yet but I open my door and get out. Liam doesn’t call after me, but when I look back he frowns. I have no idea what he’s thinking, so I make it to the administration office as fast as I can. 

“Mrs. Martin isn’t in yet?” I ask the woman behind the desk. 

“She had to take her daughter to the doctor this morning.” 

“Oh.” I mumble. “Do you know when she’ll be back?” 

“I’m afraid I can’t provide you with that information.” She says. 

“Right. Okay. Thank you.” I smile a small smile before I walk out of the administration office. A little lost and without thinking, I make my way into the library. After roaming the isles for a bit, I grab hold of a random book and find a seat at one of the tables. At the table beside me, a group of students talk in hushed voices. 

“Yes, she found another body.” One girl rolls her eyes. 

“Was it really behind the school?” Another girl asks. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time.” A guy joins in. 

“How come Lydia is always the one finding the bodies?” Yet another girl asks.

“Obviously because she knows where she leaves them.” The first girl says as she twirls a strand of blonde hair around her finger. They all share knowing looks before they turn back to their books.

Allison used to tell me about Lydia. They were best friends, still Lydia was one of the last people to find out about the supernatural world. Must have been quite confusing for her, to find bodies without explanation. I would hate it if my friends excluded me like that. 

Then again I can see their point of view. I wouldn’t tell my friends about something that could endanger them. 

A few giggles escape from the group of students beside me, and when I look up at them I realize they are laughing at me. “Who is she?” The guy asks.

“Who cares? She won’t be around much longer.” One of the girls raises her brows. 

Another one widens her eyes. “She’s preggers?” She snickers. 

I roll my eyes, then look down at my book and understand where the assumptions come from. Pregnancy Yoga, it reads. Great.

Relief washes over me when the bell finally rings, indicating lunch. When I arrive, the cafeteria is a complete mess. There are students everywhere. I panic a little, but then I lay my eyes on Liam Dunbar and make my way over. "Can I sit here? The other tables are full." I put my plate down on the table before either Liam or his friend answers. "Hi, I'm Noelle." I smile to his friend.

"Mason." He returns the gesture. "Nice to meet you, Liam mention-" Mason starts, but there's a noise under the table, and Mason grunts a little as he gives Liam a look. "Well, it's nice to meet you."

"Yeah, you too." I nod. "Like the circumstances as well, so normal."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mason frowns a little.

"She knows." Liam mutters angrily.

“Thought we weren’t supposed to talk about it.” I mutter, pursing my lips.

"Knows what?" Mason's brows rise up.

"Everything basically."

"Allison was my cousin." I explain.

"Scott's Allison?"

“Don’t make it sound like she was his possession. Besides, she was with Isaac, too.” I shrug. "But yep, that's the one."

"We've never met him. Heard a lot about him, though." Mason says.

"My uncle Chris took him to France before you guys came here." I explain. "You seem to hear a lot about everyone around.” I state. "Care to share what you know?"

"What's it to you?"

I shrug. "I'm just here to figure out a bit more about my family history, but I guess you know a lot about that as well, being the beast and all."

Mason's eyes widen. "She really knows everything?"  

"Pretty much." Liam rolls his eyes. He reaches out and takes the apple from my plate.

"Hey! I was going to eat that." I say defensively.

"Just ignore her, works best." Liam says to Mason as he bites into the apple.

"That's not a very nice way to welcome a new student. Might need to have a chat with Mrs. Martin about this. She's Lydia's mom, right? Yeah, I better go, us girls are gonna have a lot to talk about." I smile as I get up. "See ya around."

"Unfortunately." 

What is love?

We Only Fall in Love with 3 People in Our Lifetime — Each One for a Specific Reason.

It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.

Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. 

Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. 

It’s a love that looks right.

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story-line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. 

With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.

It’s the love that we wished was right.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it. This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core. It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.

This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.

It’s the love that just feels right.

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is. Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.

And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.

Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are. But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are also the lucky ones. They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love. But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.

Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now. What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love. The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.

And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heart-breaking-ly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.

The one we never see coming. The one that actually lasts. The one that shows us why it never worked out before.

And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love. Some people will spend the whole life to find the last person although.

- Source: Internet

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Recently I found “someone”. The very weird one that are so different compared to any of other girls I knew before. I do not know why but this “someOne” is just make me feel like I have found my missing piece since then. I once thought that I will never find someone that make me think of the fUture until I found this “someone”. There must be bunch of reasons that make me feel that way but I just cannot list that out. I just know it. I just know that this is the first time I start to think of building up a future with “someone”, allow me to think of a home with beautiful kids or make me feel 100% focused on my career. This is the first time that life seems to be little easier for me since everything seems to be well fit naturally to each others. It has been long since I can sleep well wIthout waking up half way at night. It has been forever since I last watch a cartoon till end. I also never thought I can keep a habit of drinking something for health. I am just simply listening tO her like I am her little boy. :) 

Anyway, I do not know by how but I miss you Very much right now, I miss you little more every single day. There is nothing else I could say but I just simply miss you, ML. In French, people normally do not say “I miss you”. Instead, they say “tu me manques”, which means, “You are missing frOm me” and I really love that. 

I will wait. I will wait for the day I gEt to kiss your sweet lips. I will wait for the day our distance get closer and we will come together. I wilL wait for you to grow up to become a fine lady and then marry me, and together we build our own homes with beautiful kids. I will wait patiently because I know it will be well worth every second. 

And... she told me I am her unique treasure and she will alwaYs be my side through gOod and bad times no matter what happens. I know I am so much in love with her righT now, dear my third. 

What if I tell you that “I LOVE YOU” now, what will you reply to me? The answer lies within.

The Fourth Musketeer (Part 3)

Part one here    Part two here

Requests: I love part 1 and 2 of The Fourth Musketeer!! Are you going to make a part 3?

Part 3 pls? For the four musketeers I'm really loving it.

WHERE IS FOURTH MUSKETEER PART 3 IM DYING TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

Ahhhhhhhhh, The fourth Musketeer series is sooooo good 😍😍 I can't wait for part 3 😭💕

I need part 3 of 4m please

OMFG I NEED A PART 3 OF THE 4 MUSKETEERS !.!! Its SOO AMAZING

OMG I just read the second part of the Fourth Musketeer. It's amazing!!! I already want more! Love your work darling ❤❤

More fourth musketeer please god 💖🙏

Part 3 of the Four Musketeers PLEASE, it's so freaking good. It makes me feel all the feels and I'm in love with your writing

Pairing: Archie x Reader

Description: Unplanned reunions never end well.

Warnings: I cried while writing this

Word count: 1,536

A/N: just a reminder to all, if you want to be added to my taglist please ask in my ask box! anywho wowow buckle your seatbelts for the emotional roller coaster that is part 3!! enjoy!!

(Y/N) obliviously stood at the counter in Pop's, unaware of three sets of unwavering eyes staring at her.

"Should we... say something?" Betty suggested, but she didn't shift her gaze from (Y/N).

"I don't know," Veronica breathed.  "I probably shouldn't since she has no idea who I am."

"I'll do it," Jughead stated.  Before Veronica or Betty could acknowledge what he said, Jughead had stood up and began to walk towards (Y/N).  The two girls shared a tentative glance.  "Long time no see, (Y/N)," Jughead said from behind her.  She whirled around.

"Jughead," she acknowledged him, her lips forming an awkward smile.  "It's... nice to see you."

"God it's been so long," Jughead sighed, stepping closer to (Y/N).  She tried to inconspicuously edge away.

"Yeah," she nodded and pursed her lips.  Jughead was taken aback by her cold behavior.

"Does anyone else know you're here?" he questioned.  (Y/N) shook her head.

"Nope," she answered simply, "just you."

"And Betty," Jughead added, gesturing back to where Veronica and Betty were sitting.  When they noticed (Y/N) was looking at them, they smiled and waved. (Y/N)'s focus turned back to Jughead.

"Who's that with her?" she asked.

"Veronica," he explained, "she moved here at the beginning of the year."

"That's nice," another awkward smile formed on her lips.  Suddenly, a waiter brought out a bag of food.  (Y/N) grabbed the bag and quickly paid.  "Well, I've gotta get going. It's been nice seeing you again, Jughead."  She started to exit the diner, but Jughead quickly snatched her wrist.

"Wait!" he said, earning a questioning look from her.  "What about Archie?"

"What about Archie?" (Y/N) innocently repeated.  Jughead rolled his eyes.

"You know," he responded, "are you going to tell him you're back?"

"Why should I?" (Y/N) scoffed.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because he's fucking smitten with you and has been heartbroken for the past two years.  And if I'm not mistaken, you were pretty smitten yourself before you moved." (Y/N) bit her lip as she shook her head.

"If he loved me, he would've called," she rolled her eyes.

"What happened to you?" Jughead asked, scanning her face.  (Y/N) snapped her wrist out of his grip.

"Nothing happened, Jughead."

"There's another thing," he noted.  "Since when have you called me Jughead?"

"My food is getting cold," she made up an excuse.

"Archie said you changed your number."  The sentence knocked the wind out of (Y/N), so she stood in silence as she stared at Jughead.

"I changed it," she finally admitted it. "But that was a few months after I left."

"Why?" he inquired.

"Because he didn't call me," she sighed.  "Even when I called him, he wouldn't answer."  Jughead furrowed his eyebrows.  (Y/N) shook her head as she left the diner.

She called over her shoulder, "Don't tell Archie I'm back."

“She expects you to not tell him?” Veronica questioned the next day at school.  Jughead shrugged.

“But I get it, you know?” Betty responded.  “She wants to be the one to tell him she’s back, not have someone do it on her behalf.”

“If she tells him,” Veronica reminded her.

“Listen, just… don’t tell him, okay?” Jughead told Veronica.  “I told (Y/N) I wouldn’t, and I don’t want to upset her.  She seemed kinda off yesterday.”

“So she’s not normally like that?” Veronica questioned with a hint of sarcasm.  Jughead rolled his eyes.

“Not when I knew her.”

“Okay, so (Y/N)’s gotta have some flaws, right?” Veronica asked Archie as she sat across from him in the lounge.  He narrowed his eyes.

“What?” he confusedly mumbled.  “Why are you asking about (Y/N)?”

“Well, Archiekins,” Veronica bit her lip, “you’ve seemed more down ever since Jughead’s party.  I figured it was something having to do with (Y/N).  I’m asking you about her flaws because right now, it seems like you’re kind of glorifying her in your memories, you know?  Since she hasn’t been around, you only want to remember the good parts of her.”

“I don’t know,” Archie waved off her suggestion.  “I really don’t want to talk about her.”

“But you have to,” Veronica immediately replied.  “Betty, Jughead, and Kevin told me about her and how you absolutely refused to mention her after she moved.”

“It’s a coping method,” he defended himself.  She shook her head.

“It’s unhealthy.”

“Veronica, stop!” Archie yelled, exasperatedly throwing his hands up in the air.  “You know why I can’t tell you any of (Y/N)’s flaws?  Because I love her.  And when you love someone, when you truly love someone, their flaws aren’t something you notice.  Their flaws are just another cute quirk that you adore, and I love everything there is about (Y/N).”  A smile creeped onto Veronica’s face, causing Archie to twist his face into a puzzled expression.  “What?”

“You love her,” she grinned, but Archie remained confused. “You love her, Archiekins.  Not loved, love.”  Archie rolled his eyes, but it didn’t hide his growing smile. Veronica stood up, brushing down her pencil skirt.  “My job here is done.  Keep an eye on your phone, Archiekins.  I’m gonna send you a very important message soon.”

An extremely confused Archie walked into Pop’s, and he continued to double check the text that Veronica sent him:

Go to Pop’s tonight.  Trust me.

She said nothing about meeting her there, nor did she mention anything about what he was supposed to do at the diner.  He scanned the area, searching for a familiar face.  His eyes landed on a face that was more familiar than he expected.

“(Y/N)?” he whispered, staring at the girl sitting all alone in a booth.  She, having not heard Archie’s murmur, continued to stare at her phone. “(Y/N)!”  Archie said it louder this time, and (Y/N)’s head snapped up. Her eyes doubled in size as she stared at her old childhood friend.  Slowly, she stood up and began to walk towards Archie.

“Archie?” she asked, stepping closer to him with an unreadable expression on her face.  He grinned and nodded.

“Oh god, (Y/N), I thought I’d never see you again.  I thought that-” A sharp slap across his face interrupted him.  Archie’s mouth opened slightly ajar as he stared at (Y/N), subdued into shock.

“Fuck you, Archie,” she spat.  Archie noticed tears glimmering in her eyes.  “No calls, no texts, no emails, nothing!  Absolutely nothing!”

“(Y/N), I-”

“And you act like you’re the victim,” she interrupted him, refusing to grant him the chance to defend himself.  “You told Jughead and Betty that I changed my number?  And you didn’t mention that I called you countless times, only for you to never answer.”

“(Y/N), I’m sorry,” he apologized, slowly grabbing her hands.  She didn’t tear them away from his grip, but Archie could feel her muscles tense.  “You know why I didn’t answer your calls?  Because it hurt.  It hurt because I thought I’d never see you again, and I thought that if I heard your voice, it would just make the pain worse.  I thought that maybe if I didn’t talk to you, if I pretended like you never existed, then maybe I could move on.”

“You think it didn’t hurt me?” (Y/N) questioned, her voice cracking as she held back her tears.  “You think it didn’t hurt every time I called my best friend but never got an answer?  You think it didn’t hurt when I was alone with my parents in a big city with no one to turn to?  You think it didn’t hurt when I couldn’t call for help when I needed it?”  Her voice gradually raised as she spoke.  Archie released (Y/N)’s hands, and instead, he opted to cup her face.  He leaned in and did something he had been dying to do for the past four years: he kissed her.  Archie tried to pour every ounce of love he had for (Y/N) into the kiss, he tried to tell her the things he was unable to say.  However, (Y/N) pulled away.  She took a step away from Archie as she frowned at him, her tears finally stumbling down her face.

“Why did you do that?” she cried softly.

“Because I love you,” Archie desperately answered.  He attempted to reach out towards her and hold her in his arms, but (Y/N) stepped further away.  “I love you, and I have always loved you.  I never got the chance to tell you.”

“You can’t do that to me,” she tried to wipe away her tears, but they were flowing too quickly.  “You can’t just barge in here and confess your love after you completely ignored me!”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N), it was stupid and selfish of me, but-”

“But nothing!” she stopped his apology.  (Y/N) brushed past Archie as she began to storm out of the diner, but before she could exit, Archie grabbed her wrist, forcing her to turn around.

“One thing, (Y/N). Can you please just answer one question for me?” he begged.  (Y/N) pursed her lips but nodded.  “Do you love me?”

“Archie, you can’t just-”

“Please, (Y/N),” his voice was meek and desperate.  She sighed, but slowly nodded.

“Of course,” she whispered. She gently wriggled her hand out of his grasp and exited the diner, leaving a heartbroken Archie behind.

Part four here     Part five here

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