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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

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hi!! do you have any good insecure/low self esteem Sherlock fics? thank you!

Hi Nonny!

AHHHH I’ve too many to count; I did a list back in 2019 that combined the both of them, but I get asked so often for one or the other that I think it’s time to make separate lists, and to do that requires me to re-tag a tonne of fics, so for now, I will give you all the ones I have tagged; I apologize if I’ve missed any, but I’m going through them slowly <3 Enjoy!!

INSECURE / AWKWARD SHERLOCK Pt. 2

See also: Insecure / Awkward John or Sherlock (Jan 2019)

The Four Incidents by TheGirlWithRedHair22 (K+, 1,064 w., 1 Ch. || S1 Compliant, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, John Whump, Accident, John POV, Hand Holding, Worried Sherlock, Sherlock’s Self Esteem) – The first time John was present when someone insulted Sherlock, he brushed it off as a strange coincidence.

Together is What we Have, Together Protects Us by Phantom of the Black Pearl (K+, 1,566 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF, Friendship / Platonic or Slash, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Sherlock, Worried Sherlock, Slice of Life) – After a case one evening in the flat Sherlock voices a concern that causes the pair to consider why they've chosen to stick together after all that's happened.

Like Euphoria and Scotch by FinAmour (M, 1,856 w., 1 Ch. || Five and One, Alcohol / Drinking, POV Second Person Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Imagination, Armchair Sex, Fluff, Happy Ending) – 5 different ways it all could have gone + the one way it actually works itself out.

Five Times Sherlock gave John a Pebble and One Time John Returned the Gesture by grimmfairy (NR, 1,895 w., 1 Ch. || Love Confessions, Fluff, Penguins and Pebbles, Nervous / Pining Sherlock, Oblivious John) – Sherlock isn't good with words, so he decides to tell John his feelings the way penguins do, by bringing him pebbles with different meanings. John catches on.

The Imminent Danger of a Tumblr-Night by Loveismyrevolution (T, 2,135 w., 1 Ch. || Tumblr Fics, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock is Out of His Depth, Humour, Fluff, Pining Sherlock, Military Kink, POV Sherlock) – Sherlock gets into trouble when he pretends to know all about John's favourite social media site - tumblr. To save face he seeks help from one of the bloggers and gains more answers than he had aimed for.

Work On Your Balance by speculate (K+, 2,448 w., 1 Ch. || Embarrassed Sherlock, “For A Case”, Skating, Fluff, Friendship, Humour) – In which John is actually pretty good at ice skating, Sherlock's not and insists it's all for a case , and Lestrade is pretty amused by it all.

The Many Faces of Concern by sdrawkcabemdaer5 (K+, 2,473 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Angsty Fluff, John Whump, Mildly Clueless Sherlock) – John is injured on a case, leading to some surprising reactions and discoveries about their friendship.

Nothing Left Untouched by ForeverShippingJohnlock (K+, 2,617 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Romance, Bed Sharing, Oblivious Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Grumpy John, Fluff and Cuddles) – Sherlock rearranges the flat. So what if John's bedroom is now a research library. It's not like John needs a bedroom, he can share with Sherlock. They're friends and John has obviously slept in close quarters with men before and it's not like Sherlock sleeps much anyway. It'll be fine.

Closeted by Sexxica (E, 2,762 w., 1 Ch. || Trapped in a Closet, Panicking Sherlock, Hand Jobs, Coming in Pants, Awkward Conversations, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Fluffy Ending) – An improvised hiding spot and a bit of accidental voyeurism leave John and Sherlock in an awkward position.

Reversed by whitchry9 (K+, 3,072 w., 6 Ch. || Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Medical Anomalies, John Gets Shot) – The man pointed his gun at John's chest, right at his heart, and shot.' Wherein John is shot, and Sherlock is the one panicking.

Study in Sherlock by chappysmom (K+, 3,790 w., 1 Ch. || ASiP, Friendship, Introspection, Anxious Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Caring Sherlock, Stroppy Sherlock) – Sherlock's thoughts and feelings during A Study in Pink. What DID he think of John, and why was he being so NICE?

Date Night by inevitably_johnlocked (G, 4,451 w., 1 Ch. || Anxious / Worried Sherlock, Caring John, Schmoopy Fluff, Fidget Cube, Baking / Cooking, Date Night, Established Relationship, POV Sherlock Holmes, Understanding John, Grumpy Sherlock, John’s Bum, Kisses, Hugs, Domestic Fluff, Touching, Hair Petting, Light Humour) – It's John and Sherlock's first Date Night as an official couple and Sherlock needs it to be PERFECT. Mrs Hudson helps. Part 7 of I-J's Tumblr Ficlet Collection

Sherlock and John Go Clubbing by wendymarlowe (E, 4,716 w., 3 Ch. || Clubbing, Dirty Talk, Dancing, Coming Untouched, Coming in Pants, Bi John, For a Case, Friends to Lovers, Flirting, Sherlock is Lost for Words, Sexy John, Mutual Pining, Possessive John, Floor Sex/Hand Job/Frottage) – John pinched the bridge of his nose - even for Sherlock, this was a new level of no bloody boundaries. “You want me to go with you to a gay club, wait around twiddling my thumbs while I let you get pawed by a criminal, then out-flirt him and talk you into coming home with me instead?” Part 32 of John and Sherlock's Kinky First Times

Applied Linguistics by what_alchemy (M, 4,837 w., 1 Ch. || Possessive / Anxious Sherlock, Introspection, Bed Sharing, Past John Whump, Est. Rel., Marriage Proposal, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Word Play) – “He wants to shake John by the shoulders, wants to open his mouth and swallow John whole. Wants to marry him.” Sherlock searches for the right words.

Sleeping next to you by Salambo06 (E, 5,018 w, 2 Ch. || ASiB Fic, Bed Sharing, Frottage, Mutual Masturbation, Rimming, Anal, First Kiss/Time, POV Sherlock) – Based on an Anonymous Prompt: "So, that scene from ASiB when Mrs H has been attacked by the American CIA guy & John, Sherlock & she are in Mrs H's kitchen when John says "She’ll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her." to which Sherlock replies with "no". John of course suggested that because he cares about her safety, but maybe he also did it cause he /wanted/ that to happen. What if they finally agreed on letting her have John's or Sherlock's bed & J&S sleep in the same one?" Part 12 of Tumblr Collection

Nothing So Sweet by alexxphoenix42 (E, 5,275 w., 1 Ch. || Shopkeeper AU || Beekeeping, Sussex, Alternate First Meeting, Awkward First Time Sex, Self-Consciousness / Body Insecurity, Fluff, Hand Jobs) – In an alternate universe, Sherlock is busy keeping to himself, tending his bees, and selling lovely jars of honey when a soldier limps into his life quite unexpectedly. Part 1 of The Sweetest Things

My First, My Only, and My Forever by vintagelilacs (E, 6,220 w., 1 Ch. || Post-ASiB, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock’s Bum, John’s Scar, Sherlock POV, Body Worship, Fingering, Bottomlock, Promise of Forever / Proposals, Misunderstanding, First Kiss/Time, Loss of Virginity, Virginity Kink, Seduction) – Sherlock narrowed his eyes. He was missing a vital piece of data, he was sure. John had been looking at him oddly ever since they left Buckingham Palace, and the ensuing incident with Irene Adler had only exacerbated his erratic behaviour. What was it? Why would he care that Sherlock was a virgin? There was nothing reminiscent of mockery or pity in his gaze. And then it hit him. John Watson was aroused.

Time on my hands by Mildredandbobbin (M, 7,179 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-S3, One Night Stands, Mutual Pining, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Sexual Exploration / Discovery, Desperation, Body Worship) – Virginity’s a construct, a concept—what does losing one’s virginity entail for a gay man anyway? Sherlock wants to fill that particular gap in his knowledge but John won’t, can’t, never will assist and there’s only so much desperately unspoken pining even Sherlock can take.

The Very Unlikely Existence of a Flightless Bird in a Tuxedo by cwb (E, 8,829 w., 1 Ch. || Poetry, Penguins / Animals / Zoos, First Kiss / Time, Blow / Hand Jobs, Sleepy Cuddles, Endearments, Friendship / Love, Adorable / Sleepy Sherlock, Case Fic, Sherlock Can’t Say Penguin) – A case at the zoo reveals something John finds cute about Sherlock. A conversation ensues, and so does happy endings.

Always the sun by Rose de Sharon (K+, 12,377 w., 3 Ch. || Song Fic, Alternate Post-TGG, Friendship/Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection / Reflection, Injury Recovery, Obsessive / Protective Sherlock, Nightmares, John’s Past, Bed Sharing / Cuddles) – Sherlock ponders about how much his life has changed since John has become his flatmate.

Understanding by rizandace (T, 13,268 w., 15 Ch. || Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Worried Sherlock, John Whump Then Sherlock Whump) – Sherlock's hiding something about his newest case, and John wants answers. Set post-TGG. Friendship fic, mostly, with brief entrances from Harry and Lestrade just for fun.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

Pattern Behaviour by SilentAuror (E, 14,835 w., 1 Ch. || POV First Person Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Introspection, Stroppy Sherlock, Light Humour, Friendship, John Takes Care of Sherlock, First Kiss/Time, Wall Kisses, Fluffy Angst, Happy Ending) – Sherlock doesn't even know why he resents John's dates so much. Until the day he does know. Slight angst, unrequited feelings (but don't let that scare you off!)

The Burning of the Leaves by blueink3 (M, 15,915 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Angst, Reichenbach, Parentlock, Past Jolto, Idiot John, Sherlock’s a Mess, Puppies, Fluff, Possessive / Jealous Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Sherlock POV, Matchmaker Sholto, Melancholic Feelings, Emotional Sherlock, Domesticity, Love Confessions in the Rain, Kissing in the Rain, Pet Names, Panic Attack) – After the events of series 4, Major Sholto invites John and Sherlock to lunch one day. It nearly proves to be too much for their tenuous relationship as the past haunts the present, putting the future that Sherlock so desperately wants at risk.

A Silver Sixpence by _doodle (NC-17, 16,400 w., 2 Ch. || LJ Fic || For a Case / Case Fic, Fake Relationship, Humour, Romance, Marriage Proposal, Awkward Idiots, Cuddling, Touching, Kissing, Love Confessions, Bed Sharing, Friends to Lovers, Fake Until It’s Not, Schmoop and Fluff, Bottomlock) – “John, we need to get married. It’s for a case, not any romantic notions on my part pertaining to our partnership,” Sherlock said, with brutal honesty, and without even looking up.

Hope for Heroes by Richefic (K+, 16,887 w., 5 Ch. || Post-TGG Fic, Introspection / Flashbacks, Friendship/Epic Bromance, Hurt/Comfort, Worried/Anxious Sherlock, Sherlock Admires John, BAMF John, John Deduces, Fancy Party, John’s Self Esteem, Domestics) – In the final moments of "The Great Game" Holmes hopes he will have the chance to tell his flatmate that he was wrong. Heroes do exist after all and the one in front of him is called Dr John Watson.

Between Friends by SilentAuror (E, 18,036 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3, Alternating POV, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Abduction, Awkward Situations / Miscommunications, Porn With Feels, Blowjobs, Pining, Unrequited, Angst With Happy Ending) – Sherlock gets abducted. As John discovers him tied up naked in an empty storage facility and comes to rescue him, Sherlock's body has an unfortunate reaction which triggers a series of events. John is convinced that everything will be fine as long as they never discuss it. Sherlock isn't as sure...

Out of the Woods by SilentAuror (E, 20,471 w., 1 Ch. || Post S4, Romance, Slow Burn, Flirting, Drunk Sex, Practical Jokes, POV Sherlock, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Pining Sherlock, Frustrated Wanking, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Kiss/Time, Virgin Sherlock, Love Confessions, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Bum Appreciation, Hanging out with the Yard) – Sherlock is fairly certain that John has taken to flirting with him of late, but can't be entirely certain of it. At least, not until a case takes them into a forest, along with Lestrade's team and something happens that will change everything about their lives...

A Quiet Life by DiscordantWords (M, 25,176 w., 6 Ch. || Post S4, Retirement, POV Sherlock, Awkwardness, Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Minor Character Death, Questionable Parenting Choices, Non-Linear Narrative, 20 Year Old Rosie, Meddling Mycroft, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Angst, Sherlock Whump) – There had been three days of silence and a funeral. Sherlock had the terrible feeling that whatever happened next would depend, entirely, on him.

Rupert Street by WritingOutLoud (M, 27,262 w., 9 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting || Case Fic, Sexuality, Demisexual Sherlock, Drugging, Smart John, Sherlock Has Internalized Biphobia, Fluff, Angst with Happy Ending, Gay Bar, Flirting, John Manipulates Sherlock to Eat, John Deduces, Arguments, Kidnapping/Torture, Hospitalization, John Whump) – Discharged from the war with nothing but the clothes on his back and a realisation of his bisexuality, John Watson has to learn who he’s become. He can’t afford London on an army pension, but the city is the only friend he has. In an effort to understand his newfound queer identity, he heads to a bar one night, where he stumbles across a mysterious stranger who turns his life upside down. ‘I dug around inside myself, and I'm not quite sure what I found, but it was beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.’

The Wisteria Tree by SilentAuror (E, 29,773 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S3, Emotional Love Making, Amnesia/Memory Loss, Sherlock Loves John So Much, Sherlock POV, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Est. Rel., Retirement) – Sherlock wakes up from a month-long coma only to discover that he has no memory of the previous six years to his own shock as well as John's...

A Home for Us by sussexbound (M, 30,581 w., 12 Ch. || Scars, Bedsharing, Grief, Doctor John, Hurt/Comfort, Post-TRF, Implied/Referenced Torture, Sherlock POV, Pining Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation, Heavy Emotions, Clingy Sherlock, Hallucinations, Disassociation, Emotional Turmoil) – He has been on the road for two years, and he is exhausted. He’s almost accepted that he will never see London (John) again—almost. But then there are nights like tonight, where he is weak, and all he can think of is the warmth of the flat they once shared, the crackle of the fire in the hearth, the teasing smile playing at the corner of John’s lips, the boxes of half-eaten Chinese takeaway balanced precariously in their laps. He aches at the memory of it, at the realisation that it is something he may never experience again.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

The Winter Garden by Callie4180 (T, 31,213 w., 13 Ch. || Post-S4, Retirement, Christmas, Slow Burn, Grown-Up Rosie, Parenthood, Rosie’s Cat, Angst with Happy Ending, Holidays, Beekeeping, Magical Realism, Sherlock POV, Sherlock’s Violin, Future Fic, Sussex, Honey, Magical Healing Honey, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Scar, First Kiss, Touching) – As Sherlock nears the end of his career, he's given the gift of a cottage in Sussex. The honey from the beehives out back is amazing. Almost...magical.

a good old-fashioned happy ending by darcylindbergh (E, 32,731 w., 26 Ch. || Christmas, Frottage, Comfort, Est. Rel., Fluff, Insecure Sherlock, Frottage, Nightmares, Sleepy Sherlock, Marriage Proposal, Humour, Fluff, Dancing, Cooking, Happy Ending) – For Christmas this year, Sherlock wants to get John something special: something every fairytale deserves. Part 2 of things fairy tales are made of

carrying up his morning tea by darcylindbergh (E, 34,504 w., 5 Ch. || Post S3, Minor Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Wakes/Funerals, Estranged John, Pining Sherlock, Depression/Insecurity, Slow Burn, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Chronic Pain/Injury, Reconciliation, Awkwardness, Loneliness, Scars, Angst With Happy Ending) – His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

Nothing to Make a Song About by emmagrant01 (E, 36,833 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Time, Reunion, Jealous John, Pining Sherlock, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock Has a Boyfriend) – When Sherlock returned from his faked death, John could not forgive him for the deception and broke off their friendship. Ten years later, John returns to London in search of yet another new beginning. Sherlock, not surprisingly, is waiting.

The Unfinished Letters by SilentAuror (E, 37,391 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3 / S3 / HLV Fix it, Angst with Happy Ending, Romance, Infidelity, Depression, Case Fic, POV Third Person Sherlock, Love Confessions, Pining Sherlock, Letters) – A fire at Baker Street leads John to read something he was never intended to see: a notebook of half-written, unfinished letters Sherlock wrote during his time away...

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea by DiscordantWords (M, 39,968 w., 7 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It || Grief / Mourning, Victor Trevor, Friendship, Sherlock is Not Okay, Nightmares/Flashbacks/Panic Attacks, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, John Comes Home) – Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown.

Anchor Point by trickybonmot (E, 49,856 w., 80 Ch. || Truman Show AU || Psychological Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Dark Characters / Fic, Alternating First/Third Person, Protective John, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Tender Moments, Love Confessions, Hand/Blow Jobs, Cuddling, Jealous John, First Kiss/Time) – The world tunes in nightly for Sherlock, the ultimate in reality TV: Sherlock Holmes, a real person with a legendary name, unknowingly lives out his life in a staged setting contrived by his brother. Things get complicated when a retired army doctor joins the show to play the part of Sherlock's closest friend. This fic borrows its concept from the 1998 film, the Truman Show. However, you don't need to have any knowledge of the movie to enjoy this story.

Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w., 18 Ch. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.

A Goose Quill Dipped in Venom by Polyphony (M, 52,748 w., 16 Ch. || Celebrity John AU || Alternate First Meeting, TV Host John, Supermodel Mary, Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Case Fic, First Kiss/Time, Meddling Mycroft, Drug Abuse, Doctor John, PDA, Deductions, POV Sherlock, Toplock, Sexual Tension, Angry/Rough Sex, Hopeful Ending, Asperger’s Sherlock) – Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective, is called in to a very ordinary although brutal murder. Something is badly out of tune with the whole scenario and Sherlock finds himself becoming more and more obsessed with the crime - and also with the victim.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w., 21 Ch. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine

One Little Change by jadztone (E, 58,312 w., 12 Ch. || ASiB Divergence, Fake Relationship, Bed Sharing, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bi John / Gay Demisexual Sherlock, Switchlock, Alternating POV, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Case Fic, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Love Making, Butt Plugs, Cuddles) – Our story begins right after John and Sherlock's first meeting with Irene Adler in September. It splits off into an AU that imagines them taking a case where they act as bait to hook a killer targeting closeted gays in secret relationships. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, many things happen that have our boys wondering if maybe they have a chance with each other. Then Irene fakes her death on Christmas Eve, and things get a lot more complicated - especially since they still have a killer to catch.

The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w., 24 Ch. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.

Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”

The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series

The Wedding Garments by cwb (E, 105,390 w., 36 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate Future AU || Alternate First Meeting, Dating / Arranged Marriages, Romance, First Kiss/Time, Heavy Petting, Cuddles, POV Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Idiots in Love, Slow Burn / Falling in Love / Dev. Rel., Nervous/Anxious Sherlock, Jealous/Cranky Sherlock, Hiking, Vacation Homes / Honeymoon, Sherlock’s Family, Horny John/Sherlock, Patient John, Massages, Hand Jobs, Assassination Plots, Oral Sex, Case Fic, Emotional Love Making, Bath Time Fun) – This is the story of a young consulting detective who wants nothing to do with marriage and an army doctor who wants to find true love. It's 2020 post-Brexit England and the British government is encouraging arranged marriages. Candidates meet through state-run agencies and date in hopes of finding love (and tax benefits). Sherlock doesn't need or want a spouse, at least not until John Watson shows up. Hesitant to give in to his more carnal urges because of the way they derail his mind, how will Sherlock progress toward the more intimate aspects of a relationship? The answer lies in a very special wedding gift.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #insecure sherlock #my fic recs #Anonymous #long post #awkwardness

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novantinuum · 4 years

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Is the “villain card” really a VILLAIN card- or something else?

So, I’ve been thinking a lot today about @faelapis‘s recent post (link in reblogs so this can go in tags) discussing the corrupted Steven theory, and specifically how he pointed out how in the intro... that the camera “zooms inside Steven’s heart” when transitioning to the shot that features Big Looming Pink Fella.

And I know the fandom generally refers to threatening spreads such as these as “villain cards,” since- at the time of the intro’s release in October, all of these characters were heavily implied to be antagonistic to our main characters in some way. But after seeing the first ten episodes of SUF in full, I feel we should pause and ask ourselves-

Are any of these characters really villains?

And if not, then what IS their role in the greater story of this epilogue, and more importantly- their role featured prominently in the show’s intro?

Let’s take a quick look at the characters we’ve seen already.

Jasper

Thus far, Jasper has played the least antagonistic part she ever has in the entire history of Steven Universe. I’d even go so far as to consider her a shaky acquaintance of Steven’s, at this point.

But as far as her purpose in the show goes so far, Jasper is important because she is the very first person to mash it up with Pink Mode Steven. The very first person who catches a glimpse of this new ability of his to begin with. When Steven first shifted into this state, it was because she pushed him into a situation that was both emotionally and physically compromising. Jasper is every bit as stubborn as Steven. She knows exactly how to push his buttons. It’s for this reason that I don’t think he would’ve discovered his pink state without her, without her egging him on to fight.

Steven tries his best to be very patient with everyone, and yet his frustrations with Jasper’s inability to move forward (hypocrite, much?) elicited a rather jarring rush of directed anger that- before- he generally seemed to keep bottled inward.

I get the strong sense that he didn’t allow himself to freely and openly express these sorts of “negative” emotions at all before this encounter.

Furthermore, Jasper slapped him in the face with the biggest call-out of his mental state ever.

Jasper: “I don’t need your help. You’re the one that needs help. You think you’ve beaten me, but you’ve never beaten me on your own. You’ve always been a fusion. You’ve always had your friends because you’re nothing without them. You think everyone needs help.”

Steven: “I – I just…”

Jasper: “But it’s only you. No one is as pitiful as you.”

Every other episode of the show so far has only gone to further showcase that this is what Steven believes about himself right now. (See: Little Graduation, especially.)

And what happened with Jasper that day... was just the beginning of his slow decline.

Bluebird Azurite

This character... also isn’t big villain material. She’s barely even a threat.

Rather, Bluebird serves as a stark reminder for Steven that there are people out there that hate him for being him. Not only that, but those who would fuse for just that reason.

To hate him together.

(I must admit, I still find the notion of Steven potentially falling apart because of a lack of self-love interesting, as much as it is heartbreaking. But I already wrote that post, so moving on-)

But she also is a reflection of how Steven is resistant to change right now.

Greg: “I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.”

Steven: “Yeah...”

He used to believe in the idea of positive change wholeheartedly, and yet... I think the passing years have led him to a place where he himself is scared of it, of the unknown, of moving on from what’s comfortable, of all the nebulous what-ifs. Which is why when Bluebird shows up, he projects his own resistance on this scenario. He doubts Bluebird’s ability to change for the better because he now doubts that for himself.

Instead, I think he fears he may be changing for the worse.

I strongly believe we’re going to see Bluebird again. I just get the sense that there’s more she can bring to the table.

“Mean” Lapis and “Nice” Lapis

Also not villains. Just obstacles.

Similarly to Bluebird, they seem to push that “resistance to change” theme further for Steven. Some people just... are stuck in their ways. (Thankfully though, not all of them. Thanks, Freckles. Love ya lots!)

Since Why So Blue is focused squarely on capping Lapis’ character arc, there’s not as much Steven-related meta threads I can glean from their first appearance, truth be told.

I think we’re likely to see more from these two, as well. If they do serve a greater role in the overarching story of SUF, it isn’t complete yet. Fingers crossed!

Cactus Steven

Dear goodness, this creature is completely innocent. Poor baby. XD

This poor fella plays the role of being a physical embodiment of- at the time of Prickly Pair- Steven’s mental state, and pushing the lad to repress his turbulent emotions even further.

Throughout SUF so far, Steven has become consumed by negative self-talk, (”I used to be helpful, but the Gems don't need me anymore”), a stark reluctance to let anyone see the evidence of his mental instability, and explosive anger he cannot gain a handle on.

And as his mirror, Cactus Steven:

Repeats things Steven says, spilling all of that negative self-talk and the reasons why he doesn’t want to approach the Gems about his issues.

Is shoved away under a box, representing Steven’s emotional repression.

Warps into a monstrous form, explosive anger brimming at the surface.

Notably, Cactus Steven only fights in direct response to what others lay on him. He is not overtly antagonistic until Steven himself makes the first strike. Later, while the Gems are attempting to fight him back, he desperately tries pushing them away... much like Steven has been all season.

Cactus Steven: “Just... get... OUT!”

Furthermore, Steven creates him. He creates this monster. He’s the reason he becomes so messed up in the first place. That has to feel pretty awful, especially when he’s doubting his ability to be helpful nowadays. He tried to nurture this creature, and look where that got him? This furthers the narrative idea mentioned earlier, of Steven perhaps fearing that he’s now changing for the worse.

Finally, by by the end of this episode, it seems worryingly as if Steven’s reluctance to open up about his problems has solidified.

Pearl: “Is there anything you need to talk about...?”

Steven: “...I think I’ve said enough.”

To wrap...

We don’t yet know what role White Diamond will play, but it’s probable that it’ll be something that strongly impacts Steven in a personal way. And at this point in the show, I’m doubtful she’ll suddenly heel-turn back into villainy.

With all this in mind, my current theory is that...

These characters are not on this title sequence card as ‘villains’ at all, but rather, each serve as important ‘road markers’ on the path towards the eventual climax of SUF.

Meaning, Steven’s encounters with each of them will influence his way of thinking in a way that leads him further down the road towards eventual corruption. Or whatever else is waiting for him at the end.

And the camera specifically “zooms into Steven’s heart” because these characters, standing in front of that monster, represent the moments that lead him into that state.

What we’re seeing here is a visual record of the burden he carries inside him.

#su #su future #steven universe #su meta #corrupted steven theory #my post stuff #long post #the mighty 500 #1K #2K #3K

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andrewmoocow · 3 years

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Steven Universe Alternate Future chapter 26: Everything’s Fine (originally posted on September 20, 2021)

AN: Welcome back to the jungle readers. When last we left Steven, his mind was going further down the toilet after shattering Jasper and the voice in his head continues trying to take control, which led to him lashing out against White Diamond & Spinel. Can he possibly keep his personal Nega-Scott under control while trying to tell the Gems that everything is totally okay? All this and more in this gripping chapter of Alternate Future!

Synopsis: Despite Steven constantly saying otherwise, everything isn't fine.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven, Topiary Stevens, Cactus Stevens

Estelle as Garnet

Micheala Dietz as Amethyst

Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl, Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl

Grace Rolek as Connie

Tom Scharpling as Greg

Ron Perlman as Steven's Inner Voice

Shelby Rabara as Peridot, Squaridot

Jennifer Paz as Lapis, Laz, Zuli

Uzo Aduba as Bismuth

Kimberly Brooks as Cherry Quartz

Michelle Maryk as Larimar

Ian Jones-Quartey as Snowflake Obsidian, Bixbite

Tara Platt as Heaven and Earth Cubic Zirconias

Martha Higerada as Topaz

Auli'I Cravalho as Orange Spodumene

Aparna Nancherla as Nephrite

Kimiko Glenn as Blue Chalcedony

Phillipa Soo as Chrysocolla

Anika Noni Rose as Watermelon Tourmaline

Tara Strong as Grossular Diopside

Aimee Carrero as Moonstone

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald

Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope

Melissa Fahn as Demantoid

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Lauren Ash as White Topaz

Della Saba as Aquamarine

Charlyne Yi as Eyeball

Larissa Gallagher as Bluebird Azurite

Susan Egan as Rose Quartz

As soon as Steven returned to his earthly home via Warp Pad and checked up on the bathroom, he returned to his room to flop down on his bed. Steven thought the Diamonds would be of help to him, but instead, they didn't understand what he was going through, and his evil voice kept making things worse for him.

"Why did you make me do that?" Steven lugubriously asked his inner self. "Why did you make me nearly kill White Diamond, and punch Spinel?"

"They hurt you, so I thought it was about time you gave them their just desserts." The evil voice within Steven answered. "Yet the real you insisted that everything was fine. That's your biggest problem, you're way too forgiving of others no matter how much they want you dead."

"No, I know when others don't deserve to be accepted." Steven argued. "Like Black Rutile for example. If she's going to be proud of how irredeemable she is, I'll just let her do her thing."

"Ah yes, do her thing." The negative side of Steven mused. "Like threaten your life and make repeated attempts on your psyche. Yeah, if you could change that pervert, then maybe you can change the sociopath too."

Suddenly, Steven's phone began to ring. "One second Negative Me, I have to take this." Steven said while picking it up and hearing a relieving familiar voice on the other end. "Hey Connie, what's up?"

"Steven!" Connie cried in delight. "Good, you finally picked up. I can't believe we haven't talked to each other since the hospital visit, how are you?"

"I'm great!" Steven fibbed while gazing at how he was still pink. "Never been better!"

"Really?" Connie asked, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sure you haven't had any more swelling or turning pink problems?"

"Uh, nope?" Steven replied. "Okay, maybe, but how are you doing? How's prepping for college going?"

"It's going fine Steven." Connie answered nervously. "But what you mean when you said maybe?"

"Look, there's nothing to worry about." Steven kept on lying. "Everything's fine."

"I doubt it." Steven's dark side interrupted.

"Look, I'll call you later," Steven said. "I don't wanna wake up the Gems."

"But they don't even sleep!" Connie exclaimed before Steven quickly hung up and gazed at his hands before the TV turned on.

"-it's because I'M A UNIVERSE!" Steven began seeing visions of the past on the TV, starting with his argument with Greg before it went to static. Then it began showing Steven holding the shattered remains of Jasper's gem in his hand. More static, followed by the near-death of White Diamond, then Steven punching Spinel for singing to him. Just as Steven got up to try and turn the TV off, he got one last devastating surprise.

"Steven, we can't both exist." Rose Quartz announced to Steven in the video she made before giving birth to him, the very sight of her warm face making him twitch angrily where he stood. "I'm going to become half of you. And I need you to know that every moment you love being yourself, that's me, loving you and loving being you."

"No, I never loved myself," Steven growled furiously. "I've always hated being you. Everything I've suffered, and everything you ever put everyone through," He balled up his fist and pointed it straight at the TV screen. "IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Before Rose could finish, Steven broke the screen with a single punch and prematurely ended the video. However, Steven then let out a gasp as he gazed into his reflection on the shattered remains of the screen, noticing that his irises were now diamond-shaped and realizing what he had become.

"No! No, no, no, no!" Steven trembled and dropped to the ground in horror. "Th-this can't be happening, I didn't think about shattering White, I didn't shatter Jasper, punch Spinel, or nearly kill Dad!" His panicking soon turned to mad chuckling as Steven tried to cheer himself up. "I'm Steven Universe!" Steven then turned to Vidalia's painting of him and Garnet. "I'm fine, I'm fine!" he loudly repeated to himself, causing the glass of his bedroom door to break. "I'm totally fine!"

"Steven, is that you?!" The loudness of Steven's fibbing caused Pearl to cry out as she, Amethyst, and Garnet raced upstairs to Steven's room and gasped at his current appearance.

"What happened?" Amethyst asked Steven. "When did you get so big?"

"Is everything alright?" Pearl added just as nervously.

"I'm fine." Steven smiled and waved at the Gems. "Going to the Diamonds was just a waste of time since they had no idea what I was going through. I thought I needed to figure myself out, but I already know who I am! I'm Steven Universe; and I help, not hurt!"

"Yeah, then I suppose you tried to help the TV there?" Amethyst said while pointing a thumb at the damaged TV. "Seriously, we have got to upgrade someday. But seriously dude, what's going on? You look way different!"

"Pfft, I'm still your lovable old Steven!" Steven denied in response.

"Steven, we're worried," Garnet stated, taking off her glasses to emphasize how concerned she was for her ward. "You haven't been acting like your usual self lately, and we think you should get some rest before this gets dangerous."

"I'm okay, really!" Steven continued lying to the Gems, who glanced concernedly at each other before turning back to him.

"We'll take your word for it." Garnet said resignedly.

"You know, everything's gone downhill ever since I quit Little Homeschool!" Steven declared cheerfully. "I should head on over and see if I can make myself useful there! See you guys later!"

With that, Steven used his newfound super speed to race out of the house to Little Homeworld. To the Gems, it was like he was gone in an instant.

"I get that Steven wants us to know he's fine, but that was a little unsettling." Pearl stated fearfully. "We should just follow him to Little Homeworld so we can keep an eye on him."

"Agreed." Garnet nodded while putting her glasses back on.

"Yeah, that boy ain't right!" Amethyst declared before the trio left Steven's bedroom. But what they or even Steven didn't know was that a black-colored drone was watching them carefully.

"Excellent, he's just about at his breaking point." Black Rutile declared triumphantly while examining the footage her drone has gathered with White Topaz by her side. "Oh, I haven't felt this much of a rush since the Strawberry Battlefields!"

"But will Steven get any better?" White Topaz asked nervously, inciting her master to give her a furious glare.

"No, that's my intention!" Black Rutile stated. "I broke him, I broke his spirit! If I physically harmed him, the damage would just go away. But mental torture, the wounds shall only grow and fester! I have officially broken Steven Universe, and all that's left is for everyone to reject that monster."

"Oh master, we're back from training." Bluebird Azurite declared as she flew back to the Rutile's cavern hideaway.

"Oh hey guys, how you getting along?" White Topaz asked the fusion cheerfully.

"We're getting along splendidly thanks to Steven's advice." Bluebird answered before un-fusing into Aquamarine and Eyeball.

"Now we're even stronger than ever!" Aquamarine exclaimed joyfully.

"Look what we can do now!" Eyeball added before pulling out her chisel and shaking it to turn the blade into a beam of fire while Aquamarine launched bubbles from her wings.

"Ah, so glad you two are reaching your full potential, potential that Steven has suppressed for too long." Black Rutile smiled warmly at the tiny twosome. "But know this, you may be afraid of what could be to come, but remember that fear is but the precursor to valor! And to strive and triumph in the face of fear is what it means to be a warrior. Don't think, become."

"I fail to see how that could inspire us, but okay." Aquamarine muttered before peeking behind Black Rutile to see the drone footage. "Now what's all this?"

"It's video evidence that I've driven Steven to madness." Black Rutile answered with a proud grin before gesturing to each screen. "Here, we see Steven going ballistic on a human television when his mother appeared on the monitor." She said pointing to the first one. "On this one, the accursed Crystal Gems show concern for him for once, but he denies that anything is wrong with him." Then Black Rutile moved on to the third one. "And finally, Steven is just gone like a light."

"How can he do that?" White Topaz asked as she looked at the third viewscreen.

"Research shows that this comes from his Diamond heritage interfering with his human biology." Black Rutile analyzed the footage. "I should know, I was often tasked with watching over Pink Diamond whenever her usual caretakers were unavailable. And let me just say, it was unbelievably hectic."

"Yeah, like remember our attempted occupation of Zembilla?" White Topaz added. "Pink really grew attached to those little orange natives and didn't want them all dead."

"Don't remind me to the point of making me have a flashback." Black Rutile groaned while stroking her temples. "This shall be our time to rise up. We shall strike the first moment we get when Steven is at his lowest, so I suggest you better prepare." The Rutile then turned to her Topaz muscle. "Topaz, I need you to preside over Aquamarine and Ruby's training for the time being."

"Oh, of course, I'll do as you say!" White Topaz frantically declared. "That's me, White Topaz, always at your service!"

"Just…..go." Black Rutile's eye began to twitch at White Topaz's brownnosing. As soon as her three subordinates left, the mastermind turned back to her screens and paused the first one at Steven punching the TV screen. "Soon, my boy. Your god complex will finally crumble, just like your so-called happily ever after."

"Ah Little Homeworld, long time no see!" Steven declared happily as he reached Little Homeworld and landed on the Warp Pad. "Time to find someone who needs my help."

As Steven ran around the village in search of people to help, Gems and humans were taken a little aback by his new appearance and tried to stay away from him, though Steven didn't know why.

"Look, we're just saying Emerald, there are more ways reptiles are connected to birds than you think." Demantoid argued with Emerald as the two played chess together.

"Name one!" Emerald declared while moving her rook to knock out Demantoid's pawn. "Are there any lizards that have feathers, hm?!"

"Hey, guys, any arguments that need settling?" Steven butted into the green Gems' debate with a wide smile, taking the two by surprise. "Something about birds?"

"What is wrong with you?!" Emerald exclaimed. "This is why Black Rutile hates you, you think everything has to revolve around you and how you think you can fix everything! But even so, you look creepily happier than usual. Something is definitely up."

"Oh, everything's fine." Steven declared, his eye twitching ever so slightly at Emerald's accusation. "I think I'll just let you guys get back to your conversation." And so, Steven set off for someone else to try and help, leaving the green ex-subordinates of Black Rutile aghast before they decided to change the topic while getting back to their game.

"So, I've heard rumors that Steven is suffering from some problems lately." Demantoid said as her rook moved to take out the opposing knight. "Something about post-traumatic stress disorder?"

"Are you sure?" Emerald replied. "Because I've read about the symptoms, and something tells me he might have a borderline personality disorder."

"Maybe somewhere in the middle?" Demantoid deduced.

"Now the key to giving a plant proper sunlight is finding a spot that's just right." Peridot exposited to her class of Pyrope, Orange Spodumene, Blue Chalcedony, Cherry Quartz, and Squaridot while pointing to a chrysanthemum. "And it also varies on what kind of plant you're growing."

"I see." Squaridot muttered in awe.

Just then, Steven barged into the greenhouse and grinned at Peridot's class. "Hi Peridot, do any of you need some help?"

"No, I do believe we're perfectly fine." Pyrope answered dryly.

"So what brings you back here?" Peridot asked. "Didn't you leave a few months back?"

"Just your friendly neighborhood Crystal Gem just here to help!" Steven declared. "And I think your students have a few struggling saplings here. Let me give you a hand." Chuckling at his pun, Steven licked his hands and reached out to Pyrope's pot before Peridot stopped him.

"Not so fast!" Peridot scolded Steven. "Amethyst told me you're on a No Plant Friends policy after what happened with the Cactus Stevens."

"We're right here you know." A Cactus Steven said while helping a nearby Sapphire.

"Besides, I don't want your germs all over my prized flower!" Pyrope added, protectively hiding her pot from Steven.

"Oh come on you guys, I just want to give them a little nudge!" Steven laughed. To further prove his point, a leaf fell off Blue Chalcedony's plant.

"That has been bothering me lately." Blue Chalcedony stated, holding her pot out to Steven. "Go ahead, just a smidge though."

"I got a bad feeling about this." Cherry Quartz said warily.

"Oh don't worry, I got this!" Steven said as he licked his finger and tapped on the spot where the leaf fell off.

Moments later, the greenhouse began literally bursting with plant life, and not in a good way. Living topiaries in the shape of Steven broke through the greenhouse walls chanting "Steven's here to help!" while Peridot's class ran away screaming.

"Nice going Chal, now look what's happened!" Pyrope yelled at Blue Chalcedony.

"Hey, lay off her Pyrope!" Orange Spodumene exclaimed. "But still, something is not right with Steven!"

On the topic of Steven, he followed the class out of the greenhouse and seemed oblivious to the damage he had caused. "Look at that, life! It's everywhere, it always finds a way!"

"Much like how you find a way to drive people away." Steven's evil voice muttered sardonically, but Steven paid it no mind as he continued his search for people to help.

"Now, tell me how that makes you feel." Garnet said to a human couple she was giving counseling to when she heard Peridot scream, causing the humans to stand up as they gasped. "See you next week."

As soon as the couple ran away in fright, three Topiary Stevens surrounded Garnet, still chanting "Steven's here to help!" while the real Steven ran into the fusion.

"Oh Garnet, I see you're making some new friends!" Steven exclaimed joyfully, continuing to be unaware of his surroundings. "Then I guess this was a net win. Welp, gotta run and find someone else to help! It's what I do!"

"Then help me stop them!" Garnet yelled while the Topiary Stevens repeated "Steven's here to help!", which began to get on her nerves. "The others have to know about this."

"Being a lifeguard was far easier than I thought." Laz declared while relaxing in a lifeguard chair above the Gems in the now completed swimming pool. "Just gotta sit around and wait for something to happen. Besides, Gems can't drown anyways!"

"Yeah, but they still need to learn some basic rules." Lapis said to her old friend turned enemy turned friend again before blowing her whistle. "Hey, no running so fast! You might slip and fall!"

"Sorry, Lapis." Teal Zircon apologized before diving in and landing on top of Watermelon Tourmaline. "This is living, eh Melon?"

"You said it, Teal." Watermelon Tourmaline said as she floated around the pool with the Zircon relaxing on her stomach. "Ain't nothing could go wrong today."

Just then, Steven came a-knocking as he opened the gate to the pool to check out what was going on. "Hey Lapises, how's everything going?" he asked. "Anyone need any saving right now?"

"Actually, I think we're running a pretty tight ship as is," Lapis answered Steven while Zuli emerged from the pool after a swim. "Right guys?"

"Yeah, we don't need any extra help right now." Zuli stated. "But if you want, we could hold tryouts sometime."

"Oh no need, I'll just do it myself." Steven beamed before he began looking out for someone who might need his assistance when he spotted Teal Zircon resting on Watermelon Tourmaline's stomach. "Hey TZ, you could slip and fall!"

"What?" Teal asked before Steven grabbed her by the hand. "I'm doing pretty fine over here." Suddenly, as Steven tried to pull the Zircon from the pool, he accidentally pulled a little too hard and threw her up in the air. "OKAY, NOW I'M NOT DOING FINE!" TZ screamed as she flew away from the pool. "WITNESS ME!"

Teal Zircon didn't stay in the air for long, and soon dropped from the sky into another part of Little Homeworld. "I'm okay!"

"What's the big idea, Steven?" Watermelon Tourmaline asked. "We were all having fun before you came in and threw Teal Zircon to who knows where!"

"I'm sure TZ's fine, she said so herself." Steven laughed. "Well, gotta run! Have a nice day everybody!"

As soon as Steven ran off, more Topiary Stevens came bursting through the chain-link fence as they wrestled with the Cactus Stevens, prompting the other Gems present to slowly back away.

"Can this day get any weirder?" Laz scoffed. "I was trying to relax here!"

"Hey, did anyone else notice that Steven was all pink and such?" Lapis asked her fellow water-manipulating lifeguards.

"Yeah, it's kinda freaking me out." Zuli replied. "And are we sure he's totally fine?"

"I'm asking that question too." Lapis pondered while Peridot came charging through the broken fence to break up the battle of the plant Stevens.

When Steven left the pool, the first thing he saw was Bismuth's forge. "That's right, it must be shop o'clock!" he declared while skidding to a stop. "Bismuth's shop class, that is. Time to get my shop on."

"You good bud, you talking to yourself or something?" Amethyst, dressed in a coach uniform, asked Steven as he entered the forge.

"Now, the detailing requires a light touch." Bismuth explained to Blue Pearl, Bixbite & Snowflake Obsidian while standing between Pearl wearing a smithing apron and Yellow Pearl in a suit of armor. "Pay attention now everybody, cause this is critical to getting it right."

"Uh, hey howdy hey!" Steven greeted the shop class while leaning against the entrance.

"Oh, hey Steven!" Bixbite cheerfully greeted Steven.

"Did you get taller?" Blue Pearl asked with a tilt of her head and a finger to her lips.

"Whoa-ho-ho, lookin' good Steven!" Bismuth complimented Steven's change in appearance.

"I don't think that look is a positive change for him." Pearl whispered to Bismuth. "We think something might be wrong with him."

"Fancy seeing you drop by." Yellow Pearl grinned, unaware of what the teachers were conversing about. "How do you like my armor?"

"You look great Yellow Pearl!" Steven answered. "So Bismuth, in need of a teaching assistant?"

"Actually, Pearl's my TA today," Bismuth replied with a hand on Pearl's shoulder before presenting Yellow Pearl's armor-clad arm. "but I could use a wedding expert for my wedding armor demonstration. How 'bout it?"

"Of course, I'll help!" Steven declared. "That's what I love doing, just helping everyone!"

"Okay, let's get some materials warmed up for you." Bismuth then walked over to a pot of coals that she plucked a cooling steel bar from and flattened one end of it on the anvil with her hammer hand. "I think that's good enough." She stated. "Hey Steven, mind helping me with a pauldron or two?"

"I got this." Steven cheered as he walked over to the anvil and prepared to punch the metal.

"Hold up there boulder-brain." Bismuth stopped Steven before he could punch. "It's just some detail work, no need for a big mallet when you could use a little hammer." She handed a tiny hammer to Steven. "Plus, you could burn yourself that way."

"Oh, whoopsy-daisy, thanks Bismuth." Steven exclaimed and lightly tapped on the metal with the hammer. Instead of the detail work he thought he could do, Steven instead cracked the anvil into pieces with a single tap.

"Someone's stronger than we thought." Snowflake laughed nervously while Pearl & Bismuth gazed at the broken anvil.

"Look at that, now you have two anvils!" Steven laughed while Bismuth mourned the destruction of her anvil.

"NOOOOO!" Bismuth dropped to her knees in despair. "My anvil! My beautiful anvil!"

"Oh, grow up will you?" Steven's inner voice grumbled. "It's an anvil, you can make another."

"Seems like my work here is done." The real Steven laughed as he prepared to leave. "Well, toodles!"

"You see what I mean, Steven's not himself lately." Pearl said as she comforted Bismuth. "First he nearly got Greg killed, then Jasper started calling him her Diamond, and now this."

"Can I be the first to say that he needs help?" Yellow Pearl asked sardonically as more Topiary Stevens continued their rampage outside the forge.

As Steven exited the forge, he ran towards a baseball game that Amethyst was holding. Nephrite was on the Warp Pad throwing a ball to Doc, Amethyst stood by with Onion next to her, Topaz stood with a pair of humans on the bases, Larimar was in the outfield, and Chrysocolla, Grossular Diopside & Moonstone were waiting to play.

As soon as Amethyst noticed Steven, she blew her whistle and turned to talk to him. "Hey dude," she greeted him. "What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you needed any more players." Steven offered. "I'm ready to have a ball!"

"I think we could squeeze you in, we do need a new outfielder," Amethyst concluded and pointed to Larimar. "Oy, Larimar! Hit the showers, Steven's taking your place!"

"Good luck there Steven." Larimar said while she got up and left while Steven took her place on the playing field.

"Yeah, good hustle there Lil Larimar." Steven complimented the ice Gem. "I'm honored to be joining such a great game, I mean, everyone here has been outstanding!"

"You just got here, how do you know that?" Nephrite raised her brow.

"That's just me, I know what everyone is doing and feel the need to help all the time!" Steven declared, creeping everyone out.

"Enough chit-chat, batter up!" Amethyst cried out, cuing Onion to pick up a bat and walk up to home base, ready to play. Nephrite threw the ball towards the silent boy and he hit it with the bat, although unfortunately, it was heading straight for a nearby house.

"Oh no, in danger again?!" the Heaven Cubic Zirconia complained as the ball sailed towards the window of her and Earth Cubic Zirconia's house while they were having tea.

"I swear, is it because we're small?" Earth Cubic Zirconia wondered. Thankfully, Steven caught the ball just in time, much to their relief.

"I did it." Steven declared and the other players cheered.

"Three cheers for Steven!" Topaz declared.

"That's our boy." Chrysocolla smiled.

"I did it, and I didn't ruin anything!" Steven boomed happily. "YEAH!" However, the complete opposite of what he just said quickly happened. His excited yell caused a windstorm powerful enough to knock people off their feet, break glass everywhere, and cause the Zirconias' house to fall apart.

"Whoa, take it easy Steven!" Moonstone cried as she held onto a bench while the windstorm continued.

"Someone help me!" Grossular Diopside yelled while she got blown away with Larimar. Thankfully, the windstorm died down after a few seconds but still left a ton of destruction in its wake, and all eyes were on Steven.

"Oops, sorry everyone." Steven blushed at the chaos he caused. "T-t-that was an accident. But what are accidents and mistakes but opportunities to learn and improve, right?" He looked down at the Zirconias, who weren't very happy about the destruction of their home.

"It was a mistake for us to be put in danger again, especially because of you!" Earth yelled accusingly.

"Earthy, shush!" Heaven shushed her partner.

"I mean, we all make mistakes, and as long as we keep improving, everything will be fine!" Steven declared while picking up a log. "Alright, let's get to it!"

"It was a mistake for you to come here in this state." The voice in Steven's head declared. "Black Rutile and I were right, you will drive everyone away."

"Listen, I am done with you for today." Steven's own thoughts argued with the voice. "Just pipe down and don't ever think about feeding me bad thoughts ever again, got it?"

"How about never?" the voice said smarmily while the Topiary Stevens got to work on helping Steven by picking up Onion, Larimar, and Grossular Diopside.

"WE'RE HELPING!" one of the Plant Stevens yelled.

High above the destroyed makeshift baseball field, Black Rutile's satellite continued watching everything and sending footage back to its creator, who was all too happy to see what her hard work has amounted to.

"This is just priceless!" Black Rutile laughed joyously. "First, he makes plants come to life and fight those cactus beasts, then he throws that annoying Zircon into the air, broke an anvil, and caused a scene during one of those human games. I'm sure he's going to make such a scene about all these little accidents."

"All the more tools to humiliate the boy." Aquamarine added just as sneakily. "Soon, he will have nothing but himself and his thoughts controlling him."

"Unless his friends were to come out and tell him everything will be alright." White Topaz objected. "I'm just saying, those Gems will stick by his side through thick and thin."

"Hey, no more objections!" Eyeball yelled while pulling out her flame knife. "Want me to test this on you?!"

While Eyeball began chasing White Topaz around the woods with her knife, Black Rutile just groaned and turned back to her screens. "Tell me Aquamarine, why do all great geniuses surround themselves with idiots?"

"Your guess is as good as mine my Rutile." Aquamarine shook her head while watching the screens focused on the beach house with bated breath.

As soon as Steven was done helping fix what he had broke, he returned to the beach house with a dourer expression than the big smile he kept wearing throughout the day. On the other side of the room, Connie was in the living room while Greg and the Gems sat down on the couch.

"Steven!" Connie cried. "I was right all along, you're still swelling! I tried calling you all day, but I kept getting this weird meme." She held up her phone, which now depicted Steven bouncing up and down while chanting "Steven's here to help!" just like the Topiary Stevens. "Please, what is going on? We're all worried for you."

"Go on boy, play dumb." Steven's inner voice commanded.

"I sometimes broadcast my subconscious these days." Steven answered. "It's really no big deal."

"NOT THAT DUMB!" the voice groaned in irritation.

"I can tell something is bothering you." Connie continued. "There are even times where the meme sometimes turns into this."

"Steven's here to help, Steven's here to help!" Steven kept chanting on Connie's phone before it began to glitch. "Steven help, help Steven!"

"Ah, I don't know what you're talking about!" Steven declared, his stress continuing to unnerve others. "Besides, you all saw I was doing just fine this morning. I'm fine, awesome even!"

"Steven, if being as helpful as you always are, even if it's a bit obnoxious & creepy, is what you want, we'll support you 100%." Greg comforted. "But if you're not really happy, if something's wrong-"

"He's onto us!" the voice exclaimed. "Should've gone a little further with the crash, I say."

"Nothing's wrong!" Steven rebuked his father's worries. "Besides, you all don't have to worry."

"We ARE worried!" Connie replied worryingly. "Besides, Pink Diamond's Pearl told the Gems over the communicator in your greenhouse that you punched Spinel while you were at Homeworld."

"Listen, you can tell us anything." Greg added.

"Look at these worms, ganging up on us." The inner voice kept snarling. "Run, run while you still can! No one may help us now! Except, of course, for a certain Rutile."

"It's not that easy." Steven muttered as he hung his head in shame. "You know what? I don't want to deal with all this." However, when Steven tried to leave, Garnet blocked his way to the Warp Pad while the rest kept him from leaving through the door. "Seriously guys, I don't want to deal with this!"

"No, we don't wanna deal with all this." Amethyst put her foot down at Steven's behavior.

"Please, you have to stop running." Garnet begged in addition when suddenly, Steven's body began to swell yet again and his face stretched out.

"Maybe we should get you back to my mom at the hospital." Connie suggested.

"HOSPITAL?!" Amethyst shrieked.

"Is that what you were doing while we were at the trial?!" Pearl yelled.

"You mean you didn't tell them?!" Connie cried out in shock, while Steven's body kept on distorting and his breath quickened.

"It wasn't that important, just my first ever doctor's visit." Steven smiled awkwardly. "You're making a big deal out of nothing! Sure, I messed up the house and broke a few things, but what teenager hasn't?"

"You spent years forcing secrets out of the Gems, and now you're the one keeping secrets?" Steven's darker half growled at his other half's hypocrisy. "You truly have become your mother."

"And sure, Dad and I had a little fight, but it was practically a rite of passage!" Steven continued fibbing and shrugged.

Connie and the Gems turned their gaze to Greg, who just scratched his head and let out a nervous laugh.

"I mean, wouldn't it be weird if we didn't?!" Steven kept on ranting. "And sure, I've had Black Rutile feed me some not so nice thoughts while you were at Los Diego that took the form of an inner voice that forced me to punch Spinel, or try and shatter White Diamond, but it's not like I actually went through with it! I did really shatter Jasper after all!"

"WHAT?!" Amethyst screamed at the thought of Steven, this sweet young man who would rather hang out with a fly than hurt it, doing such a thing, especially to a Gem he had tried many times to help see the light.

Although barely anyone could hear, Jasper let out a light moan from the bathroom.

"You're-you're joking right?!" Connie gasped with Greg while Garnet's jaw dropped and Pearl's eyes widened.

"Oh don't worry, I fixed Jasper! I can fix anything!" Steven's temper began to reach its boiling point. "I can just keep fixing and fixing things forever, and you'll never have to worry about anything ever again!"

"Except worrying about how you're deliberately pushing people away while begging them to stay." Steven's inner voice concluded while metaphorically looking around at the shocked reactions of Steven's human & Gem loved ones. "Just look at them all, how do you think they'd ever forgive you for such a horrendous act?"

"Steven." Garnet tried to lend an assuring hand on the boy's shoulder, but she was quickly shoved away.

"How messed up is that?!" Steven gasped as he felt something change in his body. His teeth began getting sharper, his skin became pinker & leatherier, his hands slowly turned into claws, and his pupils started turning pink. "That I've gotten away with all this for so long, forcing my views down the throats of others, tearing apart Gem society to the point where they'll eventually be invaded, actually murdering someone! Black Rutile was right, I am just an awful person! A sociopath even!"

No one could comprehend what Steven was thinking right now. Greg began to tear up at all these horrible things Steven was saying about himself, Connie gripped the father's arm tightly, and Pearl & Amethyst began fearfully hugging Garnet, whose face was completely frozen in horror.

"You think I'm so great, I'm so mature, that I always know what to do, BUT I'M NOT!" Steven began roaring in a more beastly tone. "I haven't learned a thing from my problems, and I never will! They all kept making me worse, YOU all keep making me worse! Are you even sure any of you ever loved or cared about me?! If it weren't for Pink Diamond ruining everything for everyone, I could've been just a normal kid!"

"That's right, just let everything out." The inner voice purred comfortingly. "Me on the other hand, I think I shall take my leave and prepare something more normal for you." With that, the inner voice seemingly vanished from Steven's mind.

"You all think of me as a perfect angel who's too pure for this world, but I'm not a little kid anymore!" Steven boomed before he dropped to the ground with his head between his hands. "I'm just like my mom. A fraud." He began to tremble where he crouched as something began bubbling on his back. "I'm a monster!"

Suddenly, a massive pillar of light pink scales erupted from Steven's back like a volcano as everyone reacted quickly. Garnet stuck her arms out to protect Amethyst & Pearl and Connie jumped back, but Greg was just plain terrified.

"I'm a monster!" Steven's final words before his transformation were rewound by Black Rutile as she eagerly replayed the phrase again and again on more of her satellite footage. "I'm a monster! I'm a monster! I'm a monster!"

With an evil grin, Black Rutile paused the video and shut off her screens. "And I have finally won!" she declared triumphantly and let out a booming evil laugh that echoed throughout the cave and scared off the nearby animals. Aquamarine & Eyeball grinned in delight, while White Topaz turned away from her cohorts in shame of what she had participated in. As quickly as Black Rutile finished her victorious cackle, she had another wonderful, awful idea in mind. "Now, onto Phase 2."

….holy shit. Uh, see you all for I am My Monster, I guess. And by the way, I did repurpose Steven accidentally playing Rose's message for the Rose trio in Rose Buds for the opening.

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faelapis · 4 years

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i think a lot about how greg is great, and SU future elevated him more explicitly into true greatness, into a character, instead of the kind of uvu-ness perfect father background sweetieness that he was oft relegated to by the fandom.

like how, for one thing, we’ve talked about his parallels to rose a great deal, but we talk significantly less about how unlike rose, greg has the self-love to be patient with himself and accept his own limitations, in a way that almost makes steven more frustrated. greg and rose are similar, but they are not the same. greg is a part of what rose wanted to be, someone who carried far less guilt and was able to romanticize his own journey “away from everyone who hurt him” much more effectively.

and none of that really makes steven’s anger... right or wrong? they just have different needs. greg craving freedom most of all. he is right that steven’s a gem and he shouldn’t assume what’s best for him. he also probably thought school was a prison too, so when the gems offer to homeschool he’s like, perfect solution, my son is a gem so they can teach him best, plus he won’t have to deal with that crap i dealt with growing up either, this is going pretty decently!

the only thing he never asked steven is if he would like more structure or authority, because to greg, that is the worst horror. he’s like the happiest existentialist in the show - someone who has not only faced the absurdity of no true authority existing in life, but fully embraced it without fear, filling that void with his own interests, relationships and trying to share that idea with others.

steven is afraid of the absurd, but he must face it. he wouldn’t be happy how greg lived if he was given the authority & purpose from others he thinks he wants (hence the parallel to jasper, she wouldn’t truly be happy under a diamond either, but the idea sure is comforting when faced with a cold and purposeless universe where you yourself are very insecure).

so it’s both fitting that when steven IS finally ready to accept the absurd, he follows greg’s advice to see the world without fear, and a twinge ironic because while he doesn’t hold greg on that pedestal anymore, he is still taking on the world through an emulated journey of another, that he needs to make his own.

i know i compare steven to jasper a lot, but it’s basically the same thing she’s doing - initially only confronting the absurd partially through emulation of the wishes of others and only slowly, eventually making that journey her own. i think greg had an easier time because of the overabundance of authority he Did have in his life, which made the absurd more palatable as an alternative. he can’t fear a world without any true authority or “meaning”, when the alternative is so, so shitty and his parents (likely) abused that authority.

he’s a great example of following his own path and not looking back in a way that, yes, does hurt others... but does that mean he should stop? i’d argue no. as we know, he did try to reconnect with his parents, but not to such an extent that he begged them to join his way of thinking, more of the quiet way where you embrace some people are “gone”.

he is not full of hatred, he’s just... moving forward, albeit in a more healthy way than steven initially did. he may romanticize his own ability to so, and thus struggle to relate to those who haven’t fallen in love with a purposeless universe (like rose, he’s not actually an empath!), but that doesn’t make him flat bad in any way.

of course, the problem with leaving it all behind is that you can’t really change the world that way. greg is more someone who is so fully in his own space that he’s abandoned the world he does not like, whereas steven could never separate himself from its “badness” that way (which of course wasn’t healthy on a personal level)... the answer is more something the whole community needs to come together to work on, which is what the broader social change in “little homeworld” - and homeworld itself - represents.

steven tries to put himself on a pedestal, unlike greg, but that just breaks him and stresses how the world should systemically change to reflect the true nature of an authority-less universe rather than rely on him to be that authority. but still, society as a whole have to try, even if people like greg has first and foremost settled in his own bliss.

#steven universe #greg #greg universe #su theory #gif /#su future

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feverinfeveroutfic · 3 years

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chapter twenty seven: skin and valentines

“the flies come roaring out, and will surround the entire world, and blacken out the sky and every last one of you, like a plague of locusts, like an exit, like an end.” -”burning bright (a field on fire)”, nine inch nails

i can finally say this now: BIG OL’ SMUT WARNING!

Testament were about to head out on tour at the very end of the month when Sam had the idea to make a drawing for them as a good luck charm of sorts. She also finally decided to head out with them while on tour given she was already in the thick of it all with traveling back and forth between her parents' houses. The other alternative was staying back home there in California and doing nothing to save herself.

She had that business card of which Charlie had given her before and she knew the only way in which she could do something with it was if she went with them. They did have a few stops over in New York after all.

In the meantime it had been a couple of weeks since he had told her that Anthrax were headed into the studio and there was no word if Joey would join them as of yet. Even though she was well nestled within their circle, it almost felt as though she had been put at a distance. The West Coast stood out as a completely whole separate world from back East. If nothing else, she had to bring both worlds together in some way or fashion.

She worked on that drawing all month long until they left for upstate New York and she finally decided to join along with them. As far as everyone knew, she wasn't their groupie, but rather their resident artist. She came up with the story that she would follow them wherever they went and made art along the way for them.

But that drawing consisted of the finest pen work she had made since Cliff was alive.

The snakes on her head. The look on her face.

It was sort of a self portrait: she based the expression on her face off of the way in which she looked in the mirror's reflection in the mornings. The way her face was shaped. The way in which the serpents riddled and writhed around the crown of her head. She had to draw it and she had to draw it up not just for herself but for those five men as well.

It was also around this time she began to see the mysterious man in her dreams once again.

He often appeared to her in fragments those times around: rather than full fledged dreams, but she knew it was him. The way in which his hair waved about and the way he always gazed back at her from the void. The way he seemed to burn into her memory like the ripe bright cherry at the end of a cigarette.

And she still had no idea if he was supposed to represent Alex or someone else. All she knew was Marla was the only other person who saw him in her dreams when the going got rough.

She finished up the last of the serpents on Medusa's head the night before she flew out to upstate New York with Testament. The more she thought about it, the more appropriate it felt to her to have drawn up Medusa before she sat next to Alex again on the plane. Greg and Eric were on the other side of the aisle from them; meanwhile Chuck and Tiffany took to the seats right behind them, and Louie was right next to an old man on the other side. Sam and Alex were surrounded: no way they could act upon each other there on the flight, especially since he kept his nose in the book he was reading all the while.

“You brought some of your drawings with you, right?” he asked her at one point, to which he lowered his book from his line of sight. For a brief moment, she looked up at the little tuft of gray atop his head and she swore it grew within only a couple of weeks time, from a slight pearl to a full on tuft the size of a baby carrot.

“There was no way I wasn't going to bring them with me,” she told him in a low voice: Louie's soft snoring right behind them caught her attention. She peered across the aisle to find Greg had fallen asleep as well while Eric paid attention to a few letters he had received just prior to the tour's onset.

She opened her journal right there for Alex and showed him that drawing of Medusa, to which he gasped at the very sight of it. Those thin lines of black ink that made up the scales on the snakes. The richness of the green skin. The way in which her eyes glared at the both of them from the nothing.

“Wow,” he breathed.

“I'm extra proud of this one, yeah,” she confessed to him.

“As you should be—that's stunning.”

“You know what else I wanna do?” she asked him.

“What's that?”

“Well, seeing as we're on a plane and there really isn't anyone else paying much attention to us—”

He raised his eyebrows at that.

“You're not suggesting...” he muttered, and he hesitated right in his tracks.

Sam turned to a fresh page right at the middle of the journal and without sparing a scratch of graphite or a drop of ink, she drew up two bodies right there on the page before her. Alex tucked his bookmark in between the pages and set it down on the tray before him so he could watch her.

The smooth angles of a young man in his prime. The smooth gentle full curves of a young woman.

He raised his eyebrows when she added the black hair on his head and left a spot black for the tuft of gray over his brow. He showed her a smirk when she added her features on the woman.

“Oh my,” he whispered. “You really are Georgia O'Keeffe. Go sexy some more.”

She brought a finger to her lips even though it was obvious no one paid any attention right then.

He showed her a sweet, thoughtful smile when she signed her initials at the bottom of the page.

“Mmm, sexy erotic art,” he noted. “No one can ever know about it, though.”

She shook her head at that and she looked over to see Eric looking in their direction.

“What about me?” he said to them in a low voice, and Alex brought a hand to his mouth to keep his laughter from growing too loud.

Then Sam remembered that Eric had offered her a date. She had hope that he would do that for her at any given moment during that tour, but as long as they didn't do it there in upstate New York, she would be fine with it.

Within time, they landed there in Poughkeepsie and Sam recognized that shoulder length blonde hair under the lights of the airport.

“Bel!” she called her.

“Hey, Sam!” Belinda greeted her with a tight embrace: she had missed the way in which she smelled.

“Hey, Belinda!” Louie followed up from right behind them. Chuck rounded out the group hug from the left there.

“I've got to call my dad and tell him that we made over here in one piece,” Sam told them; and Belinda turned to Eric for a hug himself.

“Good plan, li'l Sammich,” Chuck said.

“Hey, when's Father's Day this year?” she asked him.

“Father's Day is the—eighteenth, I think? We're going down South then so we might not have a phone nearby.”

“I could just skip on it,” she suggested with a shrug of her shoulders.

“You forget and you become the girl who forgot Father's Day,” he told her. He lifted his gaze to right behind her and she turned around for a look back at him there. Those long black curls down around his shoulders and the little pile upon his head so it actually resembled to a crown of sorts.

“Joey!” Sam declared, and her heart hammered inside of her chest.

“Sam! I thought that was your caboose right there—” He extended his arms towards her; as she came closer to him, she noticed tears in his eyes. She held him so close and his lips grazed against the side of her neck, as soft as they had ever been before. The softest they had ever been before towards her.

It felt so long since she had touched him and felt his body pressed up against her own. He leaned into her face and pressed his lips to her own. His tongue slithered right into her mouth and she wondered where they were headed from that point onward.

She knew Alex stood there right behind them all the while but she didn't care. She had her arms around Joey's slender body and her lips locked onto his.

His brown eyes sparkled with life as he led her away from there.

“Where are they going?” she heard Belinda ask Alex right behind them. But she couldn't hear what he said to her given Joey led her all the way back to the little shops at the front of the airport.

“Joey, where are we going?” she asked him at one final point.

He led her into a gift shop which, had she not known any better, she swore was a lingerie shop. There was no one else in there with them: Joey guided her to the edge of the room, right behind a rack of snow globes. They were nestled back there on the freshly vacuumed carpet. No one else but them.

He put her lips to hers and he ducked down behind the snow globes. She followed suit to the floor with him.

“Fuck it,” he breathed into her ear. “Fuck it—just fuck me. Right here, right now. Right in front of everyone.”

She reached down and caressed the crotch of his jeans with three fingers. Joey whimpered right into her ear. She made out and had phony sex with two other men before then but she needed to do it for real right there with Joey himself. He fell to his knees before her and then he lay down on the soft clean carpet. His black curls sprawled out from underneath his head in those rich lush waves.

“Sit on me,” he begged her.

Two men who begged it from her and specifically from her of all people.

“Sit on my face,” he begged her, “sit on my face and let's get it on hot.”

She was about to lose her virginity with Joey. That rite of passage that everyone talked about and made such a huge deal about this whole entire time.

She set her courier bag down on the floor right there. She stripped off her jeans and took a seat right over the prominent tip of his nose.

The edge of his tongue slithered around on her lips as she spread her legs a bit for him. It was difficult given they were in the midst of a gift shop but they were tucked back in a small corner of it all. She could only hope that no one else would see or hear them as Joey licked harder for her.

She gasped as the feeling only persisted with him. She lifted up and took a seat on his hips. No one else around them, even there in broad daylight.

Joey gagged on something. He coughed a few times and covered his mouth with the full palm of his hand.

“Shhh,” she hissed to him, and with her finger up to her lips.

“Hello?” someone on the other side of the room called out.

“Damn it,” he groaned. “The next time we get a moment alone, I hope it's at the hockey rink.”

“Hello, hello?” the clerk called out again.

Sam lifted up and fixed her jeans with a bit of haste. Joey did the same before he sat up again right as she came back towards them.

“I've just got a hair on my tongue,” he explained to the woman, and Sam shook her head at that as she picked up her courier bag from the carpet. She paid no attention to what he was doing right then.

“We're alright, I promise,” Sam assured her as she held onto Joey's arm and led him back out of there, right as they met up with Belinda and Testament once again.

“What the hell was going on in there?” Eric demanded, and Chuck burst laughing when he saw Joey.

Sam finally turned around for a better look at him and the blush over his face and his tongue hanging out from his mouth like a dog.

“We're a thirsty boy,” she joked to them in a low voice, and Greg yelped out at that. Joey shook his head and blushed.

The seven of them made their way over to the hotel about a block from the theater, and all the while, he put his hand on her knee and even inside of her thigh. Testament's van remained right before them the whole way there and yet she wished to be in there with them, not because she wanted to get away from Joey but because she wanted to hang out with them some more.

They pulled up to a stoplight and he leaned in closer to her for a kiss on her neck. She returned the favor with a kiss on his lips and her hands on either side of his face.

He blinked several times once he pulled back from her and lunged ahead on the vast main road.

They climbed out of the car together—how Sam missed the humid lush feeling of upstate! But no sooner had she rounded the back end of the car when she felt his hand fondle up the seat of her pants.

“God, you're horny right now,” she groaned.

“I haven't seen my girl in so long,” he begged to her as he handed her her courier bag, her purse, as well as her travel bag. “I can't touch my girl? Like she has to cock block me?”

“Not in front of the boys,” she insisted; indeed, Testament had gotten out of their van; Belinda joined in from the car behind them as well.

“Besides,” he told her in a low voice, “I've gotta slip into sump'n a li'l more... dare I say, comfortable.” He flashed her a wink when he said that. “Also, Charlie should be up here like any time this evening. He wants you to meet someone.”

Sam raised her eyebrows at that. Now she knew the meaning behind the card Charlie had given her in the rehearsal space that previous time. Joey then leaned back into her face for a hearty kiss on the lips before he climbed back into his car again. Her heart swelled inside of her chest as he gave her a glimpse back and showed her a wink.

Given it was the middle of the last day before the brand new tour, she knew that Joey would be back for the show that following night, and perhaps her as well. She watched him go off when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to find Greg right behind her with a little smirk on his face.

She turned around for a better look at the five of them plus Belinda.

“I think this hotel here has some billiards, Eric,” she said aloud as she hoisted her purse over her shoulder. The sound of billiards made Alex raise his eyebrows at Sam. She shook her head at that and he snickered.

Since it was the beginning of June there in upstate New York, it wasn't until seven o'clock when the sun began to hang low over the horizon, and when Sam finally called up Ruben to tell him that they had made it there to the East Coast.

“You kids have fun this summer,” he told her.

“Oh, we will,” she vowed as she lifted up her shirt and proceeded to change into something more comfortable herself.

Greg and Alex sat on either side of her at dinner time there in the wide open front lobby: every so often a gust of cool wind blew her black hair back and the bottom of her little low cut black blouse up so both of them could have a view of her belly. It also didn't help matters that she wore little black denim shorts all the while.

Eric and Belinda were still billiards while Louie had gone out there in town and Chuck and Tiffany sat on the far side of the open floor together, right underneath a television suspended on the wall.

Every so often, Greg gave his long dark hair a little toss back with a flick of his head so Sam could see the side of his neck. She never noticed the bit of five o'clock shadow there on his chin and all around his jaw line before. On the other hand, the thought of Joey with a bit of fuzz on his face tickled her a bit.

“Greg, you oughta put your hair up,” Alex suggested.

“Yeah, you'll look all stylish like a model,” Sam joked, which in turn made the both of them laugh out loud.

“I'm getting kinda hot, anyways,” Greg confessed.

“Hot as in thermally?” she asked him as he stood to his feet.

“Hot as in thermally, yeah,” he replied with a straight face, but it only made Alex chuckle. Greg flashed her a wink as he stepped away from their table and headed back inside of the hotel. Alex took one more bite of his chicken alfredo, and then he leaned back in his chair and ran his fingers through his dark hair followed by the tuft of gray.

“Stick a fork in me, I'm done,” he said, to which Sam picked up her fork and gently poked his belly with the tines. He flinched back which only made her giggle at him. She tried to gently poke him again and he flinched back to the edge of the chair some more. She pictured him being so cute with a bit of weight on his body: he was already on his way with the round shape of his face and those apple shaped cheekbones.

He then stopped. His eyes widened like a deer in the headlights. The warm soft color in his face drained away to that of old drywall. He looked as though he was about to vomit up his dinner right there.

“What?” she asked him, and he pointed across the floor. She turned her head and she looked on at the television screen.

“Tiananmen Square in Beijing,” he said, “a bunch of protests over there from people who want democracy. It's been going on for more than a full month now. They actually declared martial law over there just a couple weeks ago. Look at that guy!”

Her mouth stood agape as they watched a sole man stand in the middle of the street there in Beijing, right before a tank. When the tank moved out of the way of him, he moved to the side. They then both watched him climb up the side of the tank to the top hatch, and they gaped at each other. Alex returned to it and then he brought his hands to his mouth once more.

“Holy shit,” he blurted out; one of the few times Sam had ever heard Alex swear before her.

Thousands of Chinese took to the streets right there before their eyes against a backdrop of smoke and bullets. The crawlers on the top and bottom of the screen all read in Mandarin and given they were across the room, they couldn't hear it, but the horrified look on Alex's face told her everything she needed to know about it.

He shook his head and stood to his feet.

“What's the matter?” she asked him as she followed him outside to the impending darkness. “Alex?”

He bowed his head and hurried away from there: Sam followed right behind him, and then he finally stopped and turned towards her with a look of absolute pain on his face.

“I can't—I can't—that's just—no.”

Even in the darkness, she could see the tears in his eyes. She put her arms around him and held him so close to her.

“I want to help those poor people,” he wept. “They don't need that horse shit! They need to be free!”

“It's okay, Alex,” she told him in a hushed voice. “You do what you can. You do good, too. If it's any comfort at all, that worries me, too.”

He lifted his gaze to her and looked on at her like a lost puppy.

“That is a comfort to me,” he promised her. She pressed her hands to either side of his face and she put her lips to his. “As is that,” he added.

“Hey, guess what?”

“What?”

“We're alone again,” she said, and he glanced about the sidewalk.

“Yeah, we are. How appropriate.”

“You wanna hang out?” she offered him.

“Let's,” he replied with a little flutter of his eyelashes.

“You're knockin' me out with those lashes, boy,” she teased him.

“I should knock your ass out right now just for that,” he retorted to her.

“Knock my ass out right now with fuck all below the belt?”

He laughed at that, that big hearty laugh right from deep within his body. He lingered closer to her again.

“You really do what you can, Alex,” she repeated. “I can see you being such a force to be reckoned with in the music world with your voice.”

He showed her a sweet little smile and he lowered his eyelids a little bit. He showed her his tongue as well, as he ran the tip over those soft lips.

He then turned his head and he gestured to the other side of the lot, there of which stood a short alleyway.

“There's a spot right over there,” he told her in a low voice, and they ran across the parking lot, past Testament's van and past Anthrax's bus, both of which had been posted up at the curb. He rounded the corner first; once she joined him there he opened the buttons on his shirt a bit more so as to show off more of his chest to her. She thought back to when they took her to the field they scattered Cliff's ashes, except this time they were about to do it for real. The sole light came from a floodlight at the rim of the parking lot, but the distant glow from it was enough to soften his skin and make him appear fuller and rounder than before; full and round like the moon.

He grimaced at something.

“What's wrong?” she asked him.

“I've got an itch,” he complained.

“Huh?”

“I've got an itch!” A soft rustling sound emerged from the darkness between them.

“Where? I'll scratch it for you.”

“It's—It's—It's?” He chuckled at that. “It's—on my—I dunno if you know about any of this because you're a woman and whatnot—there's like this little tent that forms over the crotch of a guy's jeans when he sits for too long. The itch is literally right on my crotch.”

“Again, I'll scratch it for you,” she said.

“You just wanna touch my crotch,” he chided.

“Of course I wanna touch your crotch because it's nice and warm and very soft.”

“Not as soft as my ass, I would assume,” he teased her.

“Your ass is like a little pillow, Alex,” she retorted. “You know what else is like a little pillow is your tummy.”

“Eating so many ginger snaps,” he teased her as he patted his stomach. “Too many in fact.”

“How's that little vampire bite I gave you holding up, by the way?”

He lifted up his shirt and showed her that red mark the size of a dime right next to his belly button. His milky skin seemed to glow under the soft light behind him, and it glowed bright enough for her to see the mark for herself.

“Like a little branding of sorts,” he joked, and she giggled at that. To think it wasn't that long ago she and him didn't like each other that much. She put her arms up on his shoulders and he leaned back against the wall. She moved her face up to his and he parted his lips for her. The dim light softened his face, and those deep eyes, and that plume of gray over the right side of his brow: she still owed an encounter with Greg at some point during that tour, but for the time being she needed to be with Alex. She ran her fingers through his inky black hair and he tilted his head back a bit to show her his neck.

“C'mere, baby,” she whispered to him. “Come to mama, baby.”

“I'll come right here and right now,” he whispered back to her. “Just undo my pants for me 'cause they're a bit tight.”

She undid the button with both hands and then she reached down the front there. He was firming up but he needed a little bit of help.

Joey was actually down on the floor for her.

Alex meanwhile had his back to the wall for her.

“Yeah, just like that,” he breathed as her fingers caressed over his skin. “Yeah—Yeah—it's like squeezing a tube.” He gasped when she touched him a little bit too hard, but it brought a devilish smirk to her face.

“Harder?” she teased him.

“Harder—come on, you can do better than that. I know you can.”

“I want you on your back,” she commanded him; at the same time that was all she could think of with him. Something about his round face and those deep eyes whereby she wanted to see him down on the ground, splayed wide open all for her. “I want you on your back and I want you to beg for mercy.”

“Can't really lie down, though,” he whimpered as she touched him with a bit more pressure.

“I want to give it to you, though,” she said.

“Give it good and hard?”

“Extra hard. I know you like a little pain, baby.”

“I'm a bad boy and I need a good bit of punishing.”

“I'll punish you, alright,” she retorted back to him. It was as if they were ricocheting off of each other.

Alex's lanky fingers slithered down to the waist of her shorts and he yanked them off a bit. She undid the button on her shorts and she let them slide down her legs. Even in the darkness she could feel him right there right before her.

“I wanna know how you taste,” he whispered.

“Where?”

“You know. The place where the sugar bleeds out.”

“Oh, there. It might be hard to do that standing up, though.”

“I don't think so,” he whispered, and he dropped down from her face and down to her waist. She never went this far with Cliff before and thus to feel this right before her was almost alien to her. She could feel him taking off her underwear. She spread her legs a bit to help him out with it.

The feel of his tongue there sent a shiver up her spine.

“I think it's—it's—” he breathed. “This is like ten ginger snaps.”

He tickled her with his tongue. She could feel him going up inside of her with nothing more than that tongue. He slithered about like a hearty snake.

He then gasped for air and she shuddered from the feeling at the base of her spine.

“Whoa,” he groaned out.

“Yeah, you were digging deep there,” she sputtered: she was warm as a smoldering fire below the belt. Her nipples hardened on the inside of her bra.

“I want you to make me a mess,” he begged her. “I want you to do it, Samantha!”

He opened the rest of the buttons on his shirt for her and she put her arms around him. She thought back to when he was a sixteen year old boy and she had that fleeting thought about kissing him. She could do it for real at that point.

“Yeah, you like that, don't ya, big boy?” she breathed into his lips. She held back into an upright position and she gazed straight into those deep eyes right before her face.

It was like shedding skin with him. Even though she never saw anyone like that before, she did feel it within her with Alex right underneath her. She kept her knees on either side of his hips. It was just like Chuck, except she was really there for real that time around.

His back to the wall and her hands on his shoulders.

They stared right into each other's eyes as she ground down on him.

“You can go faster, you know,” he said without batting a lash.

So she did. He pressed his hands down on the wall behind him.

She held onto his shoulders a bit harder so she could go faster and harder on him.

A long time coming.

“Mmm—yeah, that's it right there,” Alex stammered. “Right there!” He closed his eyes and relished in the feeling between his thighs.

“Like that?” She thrust a little extra hard on him and he gasped again.

“Yes!”

“Like that!”

“Yes!”

“Like that!”

“YES!”

“LIKE THAT!”

“YES! EVERYTHING WITH A BITTA HUTZPAH RIGHT ON MY FAT ASS YES!”

She lifted off of him right as he came for her: as if she knew he was about to come right there. Out of breath, Alex's knees buckled and he slid down the wall a bit. Sam could feel something trickling down the inside of her legs.

“You're bleeding, my mistress,” he said in a broken voice. His bare chest heaved and he flashed her a shaky thumbs up. “I—I—that was everything I could've asked for...” He let out a whistle while she pulled up her panties and her shorts. She had a couple of pads in her purse back in the room, which meant she had to run back there with her legs together.

“Fuck me,” he breathed out.

“Okay!” Sam declared, and he burst out laughing at that, and then he followed it up with a soft moan from his throat. She stooped down for a better look into his face.

“D'you like that, baby?” she whispered. His knees quivered a bit as he stood back up to his feet; she caught him before he lost his balance.

“That was everything I ever imagined,” he said, still out of breath.

“Mmm—baby.” She put her arms around his waist.

“No one can ever know about us,” he said in a low voice, and she looked right into his round face and those eyes. He had never been so soft before. She had him right in the palm of her hand like a handful of jelly. She gave him another kiss right on the lips, albeit one that was quite a bit longer that time around. She slid her hand down his stomach, still very soft despite having slimmed down with time. Silky soft and very sweet, just how she liked him.

“Not a single soul, baby,” she breathed into his parted lips.

She bowed her a bit which in turn accentuated the sharpness of her brow to him, and through the dim light he showed her an exhausted little smile. And yet his eyes burned into her like the cherries on the ends of cigarettes.

She kept her legs pressed together as she headed back to her room for a shower and a fresh change into her clothes. Even though it was still early, she was ready for bed by the time Belinda returned to the room a bit tipsy; she dared not explain to her the blood on her underwear or why there was a few little specks on the bathtub there, and she could only say that it was nothing more than paint.

She went to bed early that night and woke up early the next morning, mainly from the sore feeling between her legs but also from the fact that she had gone to bed early that evening. She padded into the bathroom, and as she ran her hair brush through her dark hair, she looked on at the full figured woman in the mirror in front of her.

“Those two men are just something else,” she muttered as she shook her head. Even after she vowed to Alex that she would keep the whole thing a secret betweent the two of them, she knew that her clothes still smelled like both him and Joey. She picked up that low cut black blouse she wore on that first day there in upstate New York

“Bastards—both of them,” she said as she shook her head.

The spot between her legs was going to be sore from where she and Joey did it together, which in turn felt even more sore courtesy of Alex. But she dared not tell anyone about either encounter as she headed downstairs to fetch two cups of coffee and two plates of breakfast for both her and Belinda.

Alex was already up himself: he stood there before the buffet table with an empty plate in hand. When no one was looking, she reached down and slapped him right on the seat of his pants, to which he lurched forward. He turned around with a bewildered look on his face and then he flashed her a little grin.

“Yeah, you better take it easy on them ginger snaps, Alejandro,” she teased him, “if not a belly, you're starting to get a bit of junk in the trunk.”

“I've got junk in my trunk? What about junk on my junk?”

“Shhhh!”

She peered over her shoulder to ensure no one wasn't eavesdropping on them.

“I'll put a bit of junk on your junk soon enough,” she vowed to him in a husky voice, and he giggled at that.

“Sam!” Charlie's voice sailed from across the room.

“More on that later, baby,” she promised Alex in a soft whisper right into his ear. She bowed over to the other side of the room where Charlie sat across from a strange woman.

“Sam, this is Scarlett Valentine,” he introduced her, “—the artsy woman I was telling you about whom I introduced Marla to and almost singlehandedly got her foot in the door in the art scene.”

“Not quite,” Scarlett assured him in a big Queens accent much like Scott, “Marla still has to find a place to set up her works first. I also wouldn't say singlehandedly, either, as I had a bit of help, too.”

“Oh, so you're Scarlett!” Sam declared.

“That I am.” She showed her a friendly warm smile and a little glimmer in her eyes. She had a short straight bob of platinum blonde hair which fit her heart shaped face so she resembled to a queen of hearts, and she wore a smart dark red bathrobe over her pajamas.

“I'd have to go back up to my room to fetch you my journal, though,” Sam told her with a shrug.

“That's okay,” Scarlett assured her. “Charlie was just about to get the both of us a cup of coffee each.” Charlie himself shrugged and blushed from the attention on him.

Even with her legs sore, Sam still bowed back up to her room for her journal. Each step made her heart pound faster and faster in her chest. It was really happening: someone who had a lead in the New York art scene could perhaps help her out.

Soon, she returned to the lobby.

It almost felt as though she was about to display herself naked in front of an audience as she opened the journal to that drawing of Medusa. Charlie gaped at the sight of it where Scarlett examined those fine lines and those bright colors as if she inspected buried treasure.

“What do you think?” Sam asked her.

“This is brilliant,” she breathed, “utterly beautiful—just takes my breath away.” She sat upright so she had a bit of distance between herself and the page. “Very unique style, too, like it stands out from a mile away.”

She turned to Sam with a twinkle in her eye.

“You are going to be the next big thing in the art scene, Miss Shelley,” she said, and the excited smile crossed her face all the while. “In New York and maybe elsewhere as well.

“You sure about that?” Sam asked her, to which Scarlett nodded; she never imagined anyone using those words on her before, let alone someone whom she had just met through Charlie.

“What did Frankie and I tell you when we first met?” he recalled as he took a sip of coffee.

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inbarfink · 4 years

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I believe Greg’s claims that his family situation was horrible. When a grown-up man feels like he has no other choice but to run away from his family (remember, Greg was, like, 20 when he left) and then has absolutely nothing good to say about them for years and years later - that’s an indictment of the parents, not the son. They forced him into activities that had nothing to do with his actual intersts (including wrestling which can be... very unpleasant when you’re not into it), and absolutely forbade him from anything associated with the thing he actually LIKED, music. They didn’t allow him to dress and look the way he wanted and not in a “I am not letting my toddler wear the same shirt for 20 days in a row way’, in a “your son is 18 and you are still forcing him to cut his hair the way YOU want it to look”. That’s bad, that’s really bad. Greg wasn’t just sick of a ‘boring, mundane life on the suburbs with too much meatloaf’, he was suffocated in a toxic household.

And I understand why Greg was upset and defensive when Steven started with his ‘maybe your parents had a point’ thing. It must hurt to hear your son, the only family you really have in this world, defend the family you ran away from. Steven’s not thinking totally straight, he accuses Greg of keeping him away from his grandparents but he saw the stacks of unopened letters - implying that Greg has TRIED to keep in contact with them but the DeMayos were the one who refused. He’s focusing on the image of normalcy and humanity that the DeMayos house represents, on school and friends and graduations and home-cooking and adorable spoon collections - and not on Greg feeling they could never accept him and that he had to hide his most treasured possessions from his parents.

But ALSO Greg should apologize to Steven and work to be a better parent. Steven wouldn’t have been happier under an upbringing as strict and overcontrolling as the DeMayos. But Greg’s only two options weren’t “toxic overbearing ‘normalcy’” and ‘living in a van and never going to school’ - he is at fault for going into the absolute extreme opposite of his own upbringing and prehaps of projecting his own desires over Steven’s needs. Steven has told him, quite clearly, that he is upset about growing up without a stable roof over his head, about missing out on school (which both an opportunity for his future and a chance to expand his peer group and make a lot more friends), about never going to a doctor’s (nobody could guess what effect Rose’s healing powers could have on Steven’s body! Steven really lucked out that he didn’t NEED to go to the Doc for most issues, but nobody could have guessed it!) and Greg’s response was just “Yeah, but what I had was worse!”. I understand why Greg’s instincts were to go on the defensive but he is the adult and the dad and Steven is his teenage son it’s Literally His Job to be the bigger person in the argument.

And just as I consider Greg’s seemingly 100% negative feelings about the DeMayos indictment enough that they were shitty parents, then I find Steven’s mixed feelings about Greg as an indictment that Greg’s parenting has been flawed. Steven is currently a very messed up teenager, and Greg is his dad; Steven’s healthy development and happiness is his responsibility! I understand why Greg Turned Up the Way That He Did considering his background, but he is at the very least complicit in many of the Shit That Fucked Steven’s Mental State to the point that it is today. Even if I accept the idea that Steven HAD to live off-the-grid due to being a Gem (and I don’t necessarily. Yeah, his mother is a Space Alien, but his dad is a US citizen and he was born on US soil, he can have a fucking Social Security Number), Greg could have... like... tried to find some sort of structured non-Gem activity that Steven might be intersted in (we’re not going Full DeMayo here) like an afterschool class or something to give Steven a chance to develop his nonmagical skills and bond with more children his age. Which would have lowered the amount of time Steven was stuck alone in the Beach House just waiting for the Gems to come back and allowed him to develop his interpersonal skills and create a bigger support network for himself... these are things that could have really helped Steven in the long-run!

Steven opened up to Greg about his issues (and we know how hard it is to Steven to actually open up!), and what Greg ended up offering to him was more about Greg than about Steven. The message of the “Mr. Universe” song is “you can be free! You can be anything!” and that was clearly so meaningful and touching to young Gregory DeMayo, but it is the exact opposite of what Steven Universe wanted and asked for - some sort of direction and stabillity. And it’s... not the worst mistake in the world for a parent to make, to try and give your kids what YOU want rather than what THEY want, especially when you are dealing with such a complex problem as Steven has. But when you realize the You solution isn’t working... you have to process that it’s not working because they are not You and they require a change is perspective and maaaaaybe they might feel a little hurt that you were projecting on them and might want an apology or at least an acknowledgement that that’s what you were doing and that you’re going to Not Do It now?

If you are a parent and you have a child who is as messed-up as Steven is right now, that is kinda your responsibility bcause your child is your responsibility. If you have a child that is mad at you, you should at least have the self-awareness to think about what you might have done wrong. If your child literally shouts at you something that basically means “the source of all of my problems is the fact that I am your son”, then... that at least requires some self-reflection. Steven said stuff that was Dumb and Wrong and Hurtful things in this car argument, that’s true. He WOULDN’T have been happy under the thumb of parents like the DeMayos, Greg probably was justified in cutting them off, it’s not his dad’s fault that he never meant his grandparents. But inside these dumb and hurtful things there is a kernel of real frustration and hurt. And instead of acknowledging that frustration; Showing some sort of regret for not being able to give Steven a more stable and ‘normal’ home life that he now desires, promising to do better in the future, even just a “sorry I messed up, I didn’t mean to mess you up”... Greg just acts like he ignores it completely.

If your child has an outburst that they was clearly ashamed of and was clearly Pretty Unhealthy, you can’t just say “I’m proud of you, you called me out on my bullshit. And if you do, you can at least, like... acknowledge that things you were called on in any way???? Rather than just make it about yourself and YOUR upbringing and how it was much worse, which... even if ya don’t mean it, comes off as just you ‘proving’ that your parenting style IS right, because, hey! You can tell me anything! While meanwhile your kid is processing that no, he can’t tell you anything, because you are not actually doing anything useful for me right now. When your child tells you that your parenting style was bad and harmful to them, you should not immediately go into the same old routines you always do right after that???

I fear that the whole experience might have made Steven’s question Greg’s love for him, that maybe now he sees Greg’s kind and accepting nature as insincere and just as an attempt to overcompensate for his own issues. Is Greg really proud of him or does he just say it because that’s what he’s ‘supposed’ to say? But I have no doubt that Greg loves and cares for Steven a whole lot and that he raised Steven the way that he did because he thought that was the best option possible and that... the whole situation is just hard for him. Steven is dealing with a lot of issues that he never outwardly displayed to his parental figures before and it’s hard for them to adjust and to know what the right solution is. And it’s just plain easier to try and fall into your regular parenting techniques that always seemed to work before (like giving your child more ice cream and telling them their emotions are valid), rather than try and totally dismantle your approach to parenting in one evening.

It’s important to remember that Greg’s probably not in the best place right now either. Just because I think it is Greg’s responsibility as the Dad to be the bigger person in the argument and see what part of Steven’s complaints are valid... doesn’t mean it’s not also a hard thing to do when he’s also bringing up memories of Greg’s abusive childhood and saying his parents might not be all that bad. That’s gotta make it hard for Greg to think rationally about Steven’s words. And that’s not factoring in the supernatural element in which Steven’s trauma gives him Scary Dangerous Powers and Greg is the squishest, most fragile part of Steven’s family.

But it’s still Greg’s responsibility to make Steven happy and healthy, and on that day, on “Mr. Universe”, he messed that up. And I believe Steven when he says that he messed that up before too. Greg’s not a bad person, but... an apology for the missteps of parenthood is what Steven needed at that moment and what Steven was hoping for, and Greg’s inabillity to deliever it was what caused the rift in their relationship most of all. I mean... The show literally spells that Steven needs to hear some sort of ‘I’m sorry’, not just from Greg, but from all of his parental figures! Remember how “Prickly Pair” ended???

Cactus Steven is a metaphor for Meat Steven, for Cactus Steven to find peace he had to hear Meat Steven acknowledge that he hasn’t been the best parent and that he’s sorry. And it’s no coincedence that Steven has very rarely heard his parental figures apologize to him and that it has yet to happen in SUF, my prediction is that it’s gonna play some sort of part in the finale and with Steven fixing his relationship with Greg and the CGs.

#steven universe #steven quartz universe #greg universe #mr. universe #Steven universe future #prickly pair

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kamandzak · 3 years

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Among the Great Unknown | Excerpt

I’m writing a sequel to my last book and this part of the first chapter devastated me to both write and reread.

Context: Andrew Garland has died after a lengthy battle with HIV. His sisters, parents, husband, and daughter are all present and handling the immediate aftermath as best as they can.

Recommended listening: Miracles by Two Steps from Hell

Henry was sitting in the living room, the space illuminated softly by a well-placed candle. Off in the distance, through layers of grief and cotton, stifled cries came from the bedroom just around the corner. I wasn’t sure I was ready to face the music and so I sat wordlessly down on the couch and in a last-ditch effort to occupy my hands, I took his, staring at his fingers as if doing so would bring Andrew back. His cuticles bloody and nails bitten down past the bed, they reflected what I could only imagine ravaged his internal organs as he watched his husband grow sicker and sicker.

“I wish I had just done it,” he whispered, hands beginning to shake beneath mine.

“Done what?”

“He was so adamant about not. He was adamant about me staying around. Staying healthy. He was so bent on adoption after his time with Greg.” Henry’s open conversation about Andrew’s boyfriend from years back both surprised me and didn’t. “And when it finally went through, there was no convincing him it wasn’t a good idea.”

“What?”

“There’s this hole, now,” Henry stole a hand back and clapped against his chest, breathing becoming more labored by the word, “and I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have thrown him onto the bed one night and just done it,” he gasped. “I know we have a beautiful daughter who needs her father to be around, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this without him. Why didn’t I just do it? Why do I have to live wondering what it would have been like to love him?”

I pulled Henry to my chest and he slammed against my ribcage, his body convulsing so strongly I felt my own body shifting in it’s seat.

“He was loved,” I managed.

“But not in the way he deserved. I-.”

“I’ve never met a man so capable of love, and I think you know that. I think you know that his way of showing he loved you was to keep you safe so that Rose has a father. Just because you didn’t fight back on that request doesn’t mean you didn’t love him.”

Henry dissolved and I sat uselessly, unsure if I was of better use in the living room, with my wife, or back at home with my children. Andrew had talked about how death makes you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. He was right.

“Duncan, I don’t know what to do.”

“I… I don’t either.” I looked around the room in a desperate search for something to talk about that wasn’t going to reduce Henry down to an even smaller entity. “Rose. Where’s Rose?”

“She didn’t want to be around all of this. She doesn’t know what to do.”

“Is she in her room?”

“I think? Fuck, Duncan I have no clue. I don’t know anything anymore.”

“Can I go look for her?”

“Please.”

I rose, leaving Henry slumped against the worn cushions of a sofa that had once belonged to Tessa before she and Andrew moved into their own places, her with Reese, Andrew with Henry. Years of memories lived in that couch that now barely kept Andrew’s surviving husband upright.

Rose’s door on the second floor was closed. Four years after coming to the large and loud Garland family, her relationships with her aunts and uncles were strong but not the same could be said for her cousins. Trevor and Grace and even Nick understood that their mother and I wanted them to step up; Rose was a Garland, whether by birth or not. Trevor made a point to talk to her at family functions though it was far different from his conversations with Robert, Dalia, Colton, or Marie. Outside of her room, my heart ached for her stricken sixteen-year-old self.

I knocked tentatively.

“Please leave,” a quiet voice said from the other side of the door. “I don’t care who you are, I don’t want to talk to you.”

For being in the system as long as she had been, Rose was one of the kindest and most mature teenagers I had met. Life had given her plenty of reasons to go through life jaded and unhappy, but it wasn’t until I stood in the carpeted hallway that I got a hint of anger.

“It’s not your dad. It’s Uncle Duncan,” I said. “But if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s okay.”

A moment of quiet; a moment that allowed the still audible cries from downstairs to occupy the space. I turned to leave when the door opened a hair.

“You can come in.”

Rose was dry-eyed and empty, her expression akin to being hit by a train. Seeing her knocked the air out of me as her face crumpled and she screwed her eyes shut, blinding grasping for me. I grabbed her and pulled her close. Her sobs were silent and excruciating.

“I’m sorry, Rose,” I whispered, hand landing on the back of her head as she shook against my shoulder as her father had minutes before. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything else. Is… is Music Dad okay?” she asked, differentiating between her fathers by what they loved the most.

“He’s sad. He knows you don’t want to see him right now.”

“I don’t want to see the Aunties either.”

“That’s okay.”

“Why?”

“Why what? Why is it okay?”

“Why does stuff like this happen? I know you don’t know,” she answered herself as I stood, struck by the vastness of her question. “No one does.”

“You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”

“About what? Death? I didn’t like it at first,” she admitted. “But Movie Dad kept getting worse, didn’t he?” My throat tightened at her observation. “I don’t think it’d be normal if I didn’t think about it.” Roses revelation mirrored that of my eldest weeks earlier and I found myself longing for their strengthened relationship in the wake of losing Andrew. “Didn’t you?”

“Didn’t you think about Movie Dad dying? Never mind don’t answer that. I already know the answer.”

“Rose, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure?” Worry rose in my throat as the words about to exit into the atmosphere processed through my brain,

“Before you came to our family, what did you see?”

“See?”

“Did you see death, Rose?”

She stared at me like I’d grown a unicorn horn,

“No. Why would you think I did?”

“You just… speak with honesty and experience.”

“Movie Dad told me he was sick on my fifteenth birthday – after I got my learners. He told me not to spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I did anyway. He started changing; doing less, being at home sleeping when I got home from school, eating later than Music Dad if he ate at all. My dads always said we couldn’t plan for the worst because that was no way to live.”

“You’re very observant.”

“I didn’t know my dads for the first twelve years of my life. I have a lot of catching up to do… had a lot of catching up to do,” she clarified, face falling and rose beginning to crinkle as I practically watched the panic rise in her chest.

“Do you want me to get Movie Dad?” I asked and she nodded, tight lipped and teary. I tore out of her room without another word.

Downstairs, my beautiful wife seemed a decade older than she had been when she bid me adieu as she sat on the couch with another sister-in-law, Beth, and Henry. He rose at the sight of me.

“You’d better go up there,” I began. “She’s ready for you.”

“She’s starting to feel, isn’t she?” I nodded. “Simon’s on his way,” he said to a red-faced Beth. “Maybe Duncan can sit with you too.”

I nodded, sitting in Henry’s vacant spot as he ripped up the stairs. Sara took my hand in hers, the other easing Beth’s face into her shoulder.

“I love you,” she said to me as I slid closer.

“Where are the others?” Sara nodded in the direction of the spare bedroom Andrew had been moved to the week before. “And the husbands?”

“Frank and Simon are driving in now. Reese has been for a couple days with Tessa. Anita’s in there too.”

“And your mom and dad? They’re,” Sara’s eyes flickered to the right, “in the room too. Got it.”

“How are the kids?”

“They know. They want to talk to you in the morning.”

“And school? What are we going to do?”

Sara knew me well after thirty-plus years. Distract me with logistics. Set small, attainable tasks so I don’t flounder. Keep me focused.

Andrew’s death was different, though.

“Do you want them to see him?”

“No,” Sara said with a shake of her head. “I don’t. Hospice is coming to call time of death,” she managed and I nearly retched. “Then the home is coming to pick him up”

“Have you called Lewis?”

My wife looked at me, startled,

“I…. I didn’t even think about him.”

“I’ve got this,” I reassured as the front door opened and Simon and Frank rushed in.

“Beth,” Simon said as he ran forward, I rose quickly, as did Sara, and the two of us embraced and Simon fell onto the couch and threw himself against his wife.

“Where’s Clara?” Frank asked as the door to Andrew opened and his wife emerged along with Tessa and Reese. He reached out, pulling her close.

In the dark silence we stood, the Garland Husband’s with our downtrodden wives.

“Hello?”

“Lewis Johnson?”

“This is he?”

“I’m sorry to call you in the middle of the night, but my name is Duncan Nelson. I’m Andrew Garland’s brother-in-law,” I paused, hoping my introduction would be enough and I wouldn’t be forced to speak the truth. “I-.”

“When did he go?”

“A couple of hours ago,” I breathed out with relief.

“He’s still out in Nevada?”

“We all are.”

“Text me the address. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Click.

How many others were there to tell? Who else could I call and break the news to so the others didn’t, while I was in the mindset to do so? I ran the extensive list of family members and friends that surrounded my extended family.

“Who was that?” I looked up to find Henry and Rose entering the kitchen.

“Lewis.”

“Right, crap,” Henry self-censored himself in front of his daughter. “I’d forgotten about him.”

“Who else can I call and tell? Anyone on your end? Family? Friends?”

“I need to call them. Not you.”

“I can help you, though, if you want.”

“You should call grandpa,” Rose took her father’s hand. “I think I’ll go find the Aunties.” She left without another word, heading for Andrew’s room.

“Thank you for talking to her,” Henry managed. “Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to her a certain way. I think you’re her favorite.”

“Let’s call your dad,” I answered.

“He’s going to know as soon as he sees my number.”

“That’s okay. I know Andrew died,” he shuddered, “but you’re still here. Let’s get your dad in the loop.”

Slowly, as if controlled by the worlds slowest puppet master, Henry took his phone and found his fathers number. I reached over, placing it on speakerphone as it began to ring.

“Henry.” I had only met Scott Steven’s once before, at the wedding, but the speed with which the call was answered told me he knew the purpose behind the 3 AM contact. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” The line went quiet.

“I wasn’t supposed to make it past thirty,” Henry whispered. “I’d do anything to go back and not just to not feel the way I do.”

Reaching over, I took the phone from the table and searched for two additional contacts. Records showed messages sent to them mere hours before Andrew’s death.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Wade?”

“It is.”

“My name is Duncan Nelson. I am Andrew Garland’s brother-in-law.”

“I remember you from the wedding. Do Emmett and I need to come?”

“Yes.”

“We’ll tell Tony and Mariellen, and we’ll all get there as soon as we can.”

“Thank you.”

“Henry? Are you there?” Henry eked out a choked cough. “Hang in there, we’re on our way.”

There was a knock on the front door as I read and re-read the email to be sent to my children’s teachers. MaryBeth and Thomas had left the room at some point earlier though no one seemed to have a sense of time. The girls were back in the room, just the five siblings. No husbands, no parents, no additional support.

MaryBeth opened the door and stepped back.

“Ma’am,” a tall man in a well-pressed suit began and I quickly put my phone down and approached the front door as MaryBeth’s hand covered her open mouth. “Ma’am, we’re here to help you.” Behind him stood a tall, well-built woman in a black pencil skirt, white dress shirt, and a similar blazer to the man. “We’ll be in with our materials in just a few minutes. Please take your time.”

MaryBeth looked at me with horribly fearful eyes and I turned and rushed to the bedroom I had yet to brave. The door was open just a crack.

He looked like he was sleeping, Andrew, and not all that different from the last time I had seen him, when we’d all piled into the living room with the older children to watch a movie. Like he had been for most of his life, each sister seemed to cling to him as if holding him could bring him back to life. His head rested against his husband’s thigh as Henry sat cross-legged at the head of the bed, weaving his fingers through Andrews’s hair while his other hand sat on his heart. I could barely stand to look at any of them.

“They’re here,” I croaked. “To take him.”

Henry began to cry, Clara rising from her position on the floor near Andrew’s knees to console him. Sara nodded before she rose and stretched. Beth turned on her heel and left immediately, the sound of her bare feet pounding the stairs echoing through the first floor.

Tessa broke, her body shaking against the bed as she knelt beside the bed, arms outstretched over Andrew’s shins. Her hands grabbed at nothing, her cries mimicking those of a dying animal needing to be put out of its misery. Thomas came into the room and put an arm around his youngest daughter but she pushed him away.

There was nothing any of us could do and I went to the doorway, prepared to beckon to Reese. He was already at the opening.

“Tess,” he said quietly. “Tess-.”

“They can’t take him away from me!” she cried. “Why couldn’t we do anything? Why couldn’t I fix him? I was supposed to keep him safe and I couldn’t! I promised,” she gasped. “I promised to keep him safe and I didn’t.”

Tears sprung to my own eyes for the first time that night at the sight of my sister-in-law agonizing over fate. Standing in the doorway were the two well-dressed individuals and without another word, the room emptied, Reese carrying his wife out to the living room and Clara’s long arm wrapped around Henry’s middle.

“I can’t watch,” Sara whispered to me.

#among the great unknown #into the great night #sequels #tw death #tw hiv/aids #hiv/aids #fiction #writer #author #novel #novelist #first draft #big oof #it's a sudden end because there's more to come #so sorry about that

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readytoclimbtothestars · 4 years

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Mad Men, or On The Nature of the Deepest Conflict

One of the most revelatory lines on the show is said by a character that was relatively short lived. In the second episode of season 4, Dr Faye Miller tells Don that they both are in the same business, the business of helping people sort out their deepest conflict. When Don asks what that is, she answers “In a nutshell, it all comes down to what I want versus what is expected of me”. As Matthew Weiner, the creator and showrunner, pointed out, advertising does not make you want to do anything, it reminds you to do what you already want to do, that maybe got lost as you did what was expected of you. We see these people, whose job is to remind the public of what they want, as they struggle with the acknowledgment of their own wants and desires, and if and how it is possible to attain them.

In Don’s case, the irony of his tragedy is that the cage of what is expected of him is one that he created for himself: that of being Don Draper. The suave, charming creative genius with the beautiful wife and the adorable children, and all that comes with it, is something that we see him struggle with constantly. He chose to go down that road, to erase Dick Whitman, and yet at the same time we repeatedly see that he didn’t really leave him behind. Time and time again in the later seasons we hear him voice the idea that nobody really knows him, and thus nobody really loves him. One of the deepest connections he has is with Anna Draper; the comfort he can take in her saying that she knows everything about him, and still loves him, is a comfort nobody else can give him, especially not his wife. He saw that, as soon as Betty learned who he really was, she didn’t want to have anything else to do with him, as he says to Anna. She maybe once loved Don, but she would never love Dick. So, when Anna dies, Don tells Peggy that the only one who ever really knew him died. The deep want of being truly known, and thus truly loved is something that he can never really acknowledge, as it would make the paper castle he built crumble to the ground; so he buries it under the desire for women, alcohol, cigarettes, excesses that are obviously never enough. Tormented by this conflict, he continues to self-destruct up until the point when he hears a stranger voice the same preoccupation of being truly invisible. He embraces him, apparently feeling a communion he never knew before. Maybe he finally find the freedom to want what he wants and let go of what is expected of Don Draper, the brilliant creative director.

Pete Campbell, the privileged Wasp, has already defied the expectations of what is expected of him by going into advertising and not into banking. The idea of what is expected of him, or at least what he thinks is expected of him, contribute to his constant unhappiness and impatience, always feeling he’s not being given what he is due. For the first two season, we might say that he feels Trudy is what is expected of him, and Peggy is what he wants. The scene where he describes how he would go hunting, and then let his woman cook what he killed, is the expression of all the desires he feels he is denied, exactly because of what is expected of him. When Beth Dawes asks him what is wrong with him (even though the woman who asks him has just had electro-shock therapy and she thinks he is talking about a friend), he says that after their affair he realized everything he already had was not right. He did what was expected of him and didn’t get anything that he wanted, and now he doesn’t even know what he would want, if he could. His constant struggle with his dissatisfaction can only be resolved when he realizes that there doesn’t have to be a struggle at all. He married Trudy because it was expected of him, but in the end, he realizes that what is expected of him and what he wants don’t necessarily have to be separated. Trudy loved him when he wasn’t all that loveable, and she stood by his side, even when they weren’t married anymore. He always felt that his coworker both wanted and expected him to fail, but in the end he finally gets the recognition he wanted, with the offer of an new job. He stops obsessing over what is expected of him and what is owed to him, and realizes that he can have what he wants, that he is “entitled to more”, as he says to Trudy when he wins her back.

Peggy Olson always went against the idea of what was expected of her. In the first season she is expected to be attractive for the man in the office, and she gets fat (even though there’s also another reason for that). Constantly defying expectations, her journey to establishing herself in the workplace takes her through all the season, and its conclusion with Stan’s declaration and his kiss is not a symbol of returning to what is expected of her, but of getting all that she wanted in the order she wanted it in. Having gone through some pretty traumatic experiences, such as giving away her child, she still is one of the characters with one of the most positive arcs and best endings. She was probably the boldest of them all in declaring what she wanted instead of what was expected of her, and she was rewarded for it in the end. Her relationship with Don was one of the purest things on that show, and it’s not a case that in the end she has a satisfying ending with all of the main characters, be it skating through an empty office as Roger Sterling plays the piano, receiving a cactus and a well-deserved acknowledgment from Pete Campbell, a job proposition from Joan, or one of the three final phone calls from Don. Peggy saw what was expected of her, was not satisfied with it, and went after what she wanted instead.

Roger Sterling, the rich man who never had to work for anything, didn’t have any expectations to live up to. Nobody expected anything of him, and that can be as damaging as too many expectations. Nobody takes him seriously, not his coworkers, not his wives, not even his daughter, constantly disappointed by him. And he doesn’t either, sailing through life feeling that the less is expected of him, the less he has to offer (except for drinks and witty remarks), and the less he knows what he wants. He seemed to be imprisoned by the lack of expectations just as much as other characters are imprisoned by the abundance of them. In the end, it seems that it took more than 60 years, and meeting the age-appropriate Marie Calvet, to find someone that expected something from him that was not his money nor his wit, and to realise that he could, and he did, want to live up to the expectations.

Joan Holloway knows what is expected of her, and she knows how to use it to her advantage. She needs to be attractive for the men in the office, and she needs to find a man, get married and stop working. As the series goes on, she starts to consciously realise that the expectations do not correspond to her wants. The idea of the perfect marriage is shattered by Greg, and she starts to concentrate on the career she might have, probably (even though she wouldn’t say it out loud) inspired by Peggy’s trajectory, and how this secretary from nowhere refused to listen to Joan’s wisdom and made her own way in a men’s world. So she starts to make her own way too, fighting against the obstacles of what is expected of a woman like her. By the end, she is so far from who she was at the beginning, that she doesn’t hesitate long before choosing her new career over Richard, in a final acknowledgment of the distance between the position she is expected to be in and the position she wants, because, as she tells Richard “she can’t just turn off that part of herself” anymore.

Betty Draper is the rarity among these characters; the one who did all that was expected of her, and the one that arguably got the worst ending. Her mother taught her that what was expected of her was being beautiful, and she was. Yet, with all her beauty, her perfect life with the perfect husband and the sweet children, she is profoundly unhappy. In season 5, when she fails to meet the only expectation anybody has ever had of her, she can’t bear to have even her husband look at her. She spends a life trying to be beautiful and proper, and she is still trying at the end, as her letter to her only daughter details the instructions for the perfect funeral, the funeral someone of her standing is supposed to have. She lived with the profound unhappiness of knowing she was never meant to be more than an ornament on a man's arm, but always refused to acknowledge it, because she knew no other way of being than being what other expected.

In one interview, Matthew Weiner describes advertising people as “The mirror makers”, referring to the title of a book on advertising. All of these characters, busy as they were making mirrors for the public, didn’t realise they were building mirrors for themselves, and so many of them that they couldn’t find the one that reflected their real image anymore, and what that real image wanted.

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simplyclockwork · 4 years

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I note you accept writing prompts. I have a (weird I accept) desire to read a fic where Sherlock is self conscious about something, unexpectedly, and John cottons on and is supportive. The idea in my head is Sherlock injuring his neck and having to wear a neck brace (prompted by BC’s long lovely neck I think) and not wanting to go out with it on and John being all supportive and encouraging. But it could be some other thing that Sherlock needs reassurance about. I love your work.

Hi, anon! I love this prompt, it’s so sweet. I hope I’ve done it justice :) Thank you so much for reaching out with this request, and for letting me know you enjoy my work. It means a lot ♥️ Also posted on Ao3 here.

See below the page break for the entire fic. Can be read as pre-slash, established relationship, or really close bros.

------

Sherlock’s complaints drifted to John in the kitchen, drawing his attention away from the article he was reading.

“Must I wear this thing?”

Setting his newspaper aside, John sighed before he rose and padded out into the hall. He glanced toward the end. Sherlock’s bedroom door stood open, the man himself framed in the doorway. He was scowling at his reflection in the wardrobe mirror, tugging futilely at the collar of one of his suits. A thick, white neck brace disrupted the line of his fitted jacket, and the button wouldn’t quite close.

“Yes,” John said, moving to join him before the mirror. “Doctor’s orders.”

Sherlock shot him a glare. “Your orders,” he snapped, tugging at the button without success. Taking pity on him, John reached out and carefully fastened the offending button, smoothing a gentle hand over Sherlock’s shoulder.

“No, Doctor Connor’s orders.” He tilted his head and conceded, “Okay, and mine, too.” Another soothing touch, this time to Sherlock’s elbow. “But it’s only for a couple of weeks. Just to be safe.”

Sherlock’s expression could have struck a man dead at fifty paces. “Safe is boring,” he snarled, long fingers scraping over the neck collar. John caught his hand and pulled it away.

“Again, it’s just a few weeks. Now, come on. Greg’s waiting for us.”

“Who?”

John rolled his eyes. “Lestrade. Come on, he called for us an hour ago.”

“I’ll get there when I get there,” Sherlock shot back, still frowning at his reflection, two fingers tugging at his suit jacket. John paused, turned the words over in his head, and wondered at the odd timing of Sherlock’s sudden strop. Usually, such behaviour only reared its head after a case, not before it had even begun. And it was a double murder, something Sherlock usually thrilled in.

“It sounds like it’s at least an eight,” he replied, hoping to tempt Sherlock away from the edge of an impending sulk. Sherlock’s lips pursed, and he refused to look at John.

“I’m sure Scotland Yard can handle it themselves.”

John’s eyebrows shot up. “Alright, who are you, and what have you done with Sherlock Holmes?”

Instead of rising to the bait, Sherlock scoffed. Ripping off his suit jacket, he spun away from his reflection and brushed past John to storm down the hallway. John followed, bewildered, watching the moody detective perch carefully on the edge of the sofa. It was such a far cry from his usual dramatic flounce and sprawl that John paused. An idea was forming, what Sherlock would have called a deduction, and John studied Sherlock’s stiff posture as his mind worked over the evidence.

Sherlock never turned down a case higher than a six, and never a double homicide. He rarely, if ever, seemed insecure about his clothing, especially his snug dress shirts and tailored suit jackets. Quite the opposite, the man seemed to thrive on the ridiculously tight fabric. John, by contrast, preferred soft, comfortable clothing, much to Sherlock’s constant sneering.

The idea that formed made him approach the irate detective with a softened voice and a cautious step. “You could borrow a jumper if you like.”

Sherlock stiffened. Staring straight ahead, he didn’t look at John, but his eyes narrowed. “Why would I do that?”

John tried a different tact. “What about one of those nice jumpers your mother bought you last Christmas?” Sherlock made a sharp noise of negation, and John squinted, tongue flicking out to wet his lips. Sherlock glanced his way, upper body swivelling due to the inability to turn his neck.

“Stop it,” he hissed. John raised an eyebrow and sat carefully on the arm of his chair.

“Stop what?”

Sherlock’s eyes narrowed further, angry slits glittering in his flushed face. “Stop. Deducing. Me.”

An amused snort escaped John before he could stop it. “Hello, kettle.”

Upper lip curling back, Sherlock snarled at him, “Shut up, John.”

John subsided, watching Sherlock closely. Beneath all the bravado, the hissing, spitting ire, he saw something else. There was an obvious discomfort there, and a flash of fleeting vulnerability that lingered in Sherlock’s eyes. John thought back to the argument with the suit jacket and realized the button wasn’t the problem.

Rising to his feet, he crossed to the sofa and sank down next to Sherlock. “Hey,” he said gently, resisting the urge to smile at Sherlock’s stubbornness when he refused to turn toward him. “It’s only a couple of weeks. I know the collar isn’t comfortable, but if you don’t wear it, you’re risking permanent damage.”

Sherlock’s lips pulled back as he bared his teeth. “I don’t need you to cite the medical brochure at me, John,” he ground out, a muscle jumping in his jaw. There was a faint, subtle waver in the growled words, and John softened. Reaching out, ignoring Sherlock’s bristle, he stroked his fingertips over the back of Sherlock’s hand. Despite his stiff, angry posture, Sherlock immediately flipped his hand over, letting John lace their fingers together. John smiled and squeezed gently. “It might be easier if you wore a jumper. Or, just. Something a little looser.”

“I am not wearing a jumper, John,” Sherlock sniffed, shooting him a sharp little glare from the corner of his eyes. He was still facing forward, his posture stiff. The position couldn’t be doing anything good for his bruised cervical muscles, and John resisted the urge to reach up and feel for tension in his shoulders. It was better to let the collar do its job, and he doubted Sherlock would welcome the gesture.

Another thought occurred, followed by understanding. “No one is going to make fun of you.”

Sherlock tensed further, and John silently thought, ah. There it was. Despite all the cases he had solved, many of the Yarders still whispered cruel things behind Sherlock’s back (and Sally always did it right to his face). Part of Sherlock’s armour was his pristine appearance, a way of presenting himself in a way that left no opening for ridicule. That way, they could only pick at his behaviour, his strange predilections for solving murders and exhilarating in what he called The Game. The neck brace was a chink in the armour.

When Sherlock didn’t reply, John stroked his thumb lightly over the side of the hand twined with his. “We don’t have to go,” he said, and Sherlock glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. He didn’t speak, and John added, “You’re right. Greg and his team can probably figure this one out on their own.” He paused, met Sherlock’s wary eyes, and offered a small smile. “But, just so you know, I’d love to see them try to say anything with me there.” He flexed the fingers of his free hand toward his palm, the knuckles still bruised and healing from when he had socked the man who had choked Sherlock three days ago, the cause of their current conversation. “I think my fist is ready for another go.” He offered a crooked smile, the one he knew always made Sherlock grin. And, without fail, the corner of Sherlock’s lips twitched.

“Quite right,” Sherlock murmured, and John gave his hand one last squeeze before standing.

“So,” he said, turning with a raised brow, “Thai?”

Sherlock cleared his throat delicately and blinked down at his lap. “Actually, I…” he paused, brow furrowing before he looked up at John carefully. “Perhaps a jumper?”

Hiding his smile, John tilted his head. “One of mine?” He chuckled at Sherlock’s grimace of distaste. “Aright, okay. One of your mum’s?” At Sherlock’s attempt at a nod, he asked, “The red one?”

Sherlock bit his lip, and his gaze skated away. “The… blue one.” He coughed softly. “It’s the same colour as your eyes.”

This time, John couldn’t keep the smile from spreading over his face. “Mm, yeah. I knew I liked that one for a reason.” Turning toward the hall, he paused when Sherlock drew out his mobile. “Are you calling for the takeaway?” he asked, knowing the assumption was wrong, but playing dumb.

“No,” Sherlock hummed, tapping at the keys. “Letting Lestrade know we’ll be there within the hour.”

“Very considerate,” John replied, turning away to hide his grin.

#sherlock #johnlock #comfort #fluff #ficlet #prompt #bbc sherlock #sherlock holmes #john watson #anon #softest boys #Anonymous

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rockhopsblog · 3 years

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Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN-- A New Hip Hop Legend

Whether tall tale, truth, or somewhere in between, 13 time Grammy Award winning rapper/songwriter Kendrick Lamar Duckworth’s rise to immortality is nothing short of a cosmic wonder. To go back to the beginning, let’s first take a look at his most recent solo project, 2017’s Album of the Year nominee and Best Rap Album winner “Damn”. The very last track of the album, “Duckworth”, tells of a saga that took place during the rapper’s infancy. The mythic-like storytelling follows the journey of his father, mother, and what would one day become the owner of the record label that propelled Kendrick into stardom. Kendrick’s father, “Ducky” supposedly worked at a chicken fast food restaurant, which “Top Dawg” Anthony Tiffith, proprietor of Top Dawg Entertainment, frequented. Tiffith was a notorious gangster on the block who aspired to be the first one from his neighborhood to reach the life of luxury. Tiffith went on to plan and subsequently rob the chicken place Ducky worked at, but spared his life because he had always given him an extra biscuit with his meals. Because of this decision, Kendrick grew up with his father around, helping to keep him out of the L.A. gang wars and keeping Tiffith out of prison so he could go on to found a record label. Things obviously could have gone very differently, but they didn’t. As Kendrick himself puts it: “Whoever thought the greatest rapper would be from coincidence? Because if Anthony killed Ducky, Top Dawg could be serving life, While I grew up without a father and die in a gunfight”.

Growing up in Compton, CA and making it out to be a success is no small feat. Throughout the years, one of Kendrick’s closest collaborators has been a rapper/blood gang member, Jay Rock, who too came from the neighborhood that Kendrick grew up in. Also a close friend of theirs- Schoolboy Q, a crip. Kendrick Lamar has been on the forefront of using his voice to unify people involved in gang violence and deterring those who may later fall into it. In 2015, Kendrick designed and released his signature shoe with Nike, aimed at the unification of people divided by the lifestyle that many of his friends and family became victims of during the tribulations of his youth. In 2007, a friend of Lamar’s called “DT” was gunned down by police for reportedly posing a threat, an event which seemed to Kendrick was all too common in his life. The silver lining, however, seems to be that there’s no shortage of the tales in Kendrick Lamar’s rap repertoire to depict the dangers and deeper meanings about the reality of gang activity, giving those steeped in that side of life hope for betterment and success.

In the early stages of Kendrick’s career, he was selected to be in one of the first XXL freshmen, an annual group of rappers recognized by the hip hop publication as up and coming artists. XXL’s freshman freestyles were new at the time, and Kendrick Lamar’s verse in the cypher was prominently featured online and the cypher itself is often looked back on as a classic among those available on YouTube. Those who initially viewed the freestyle session may have come looking for other, better known rappers, only to find themselves stumbling upon the discovery of a young Kendrick Lamar. Around this same time, he released his first official single, “HiiiPoWeR”, which was produced by the now prolific J. Cole. These two, in their own rights, have become widely regarded as today’s best hip hop lyricists for their hard hitting and meaningful bars. Rubbing elbows too with Kendrick was the now superstar pop sensation and rapper, Drake. Drake, a Toronto rapper, has helped launch several careers through featuring on their music because of his viral popularity. When Drake and Kendrick collaborated on Kendrick Lamar’s “Good Kid M.A.A.D. City”, Drake’s career was still in its early stages, but their song together certainly helped garner a mainstream appeal for the release at the time. All in all, it is clear to anyone doing some digging that not only did Kendrick work hard at refining his craft to become prolific, but that he was also met with great fortune in making the correct moves early on in his career to find the notoriety that he now enjoys.

Fueled by artists such as Tupac Shakur, Ice Cube, Kurupt and Eminem, Lamar has carried the torch forward from the 90s into the modern age of rap. During the famed “California Love” music video shoot featuring Dr. Dre and Tupac, Kendrick has claimed a small piece of hip hop legend by saying he was present in Compton, on the scene for the shoot. As a child, seeing such an idol and icon propelled his drive to follow in the footsteps of the greats of yesterday. In 2015, Kendrick sat down for an interview with the group N.W.A. who’ve had such classics as “Straight Outta Compton” and “Express Yourself”. In the conversation, Lamar said: “anything that I do, it always comes from what y’all done, I wanna get y’all take on my generation today and what we have as far as music”. In response, DJ Ren retorted “I like a few, I like you”. The metaphorical hand-off is evident, from O.G. approval to the strong impact in waves that Lamar has been able to produce from just four major label solo albums. From Anderson .Paak to Roddy Ricch, Kendrick has set out and proved more than he’d ever dreamed of.

Currently, Lamar has two triple platinum records as well as one platinum record which was maybe the most adventurous and critically acclaimed album, not only of his career, but of that decade. Rolling Stone magazine journalist Greg Tate called “To Pimp a Butterfly” a “masterpiece of fiery outrage, deep jazz and ruthless self-critique”.With songs like “The Blacker the Berry” and “Hood Politics”, the fabric of TPAB was woven to reflect the attitudes of a movement of racial justice and equality in a time of great struggle and oppression. Aside from exposing the brutalities of life as a black man in the United States, Lamar also presented the album as a platform to uplift and celebrate the accomplishments and great artistic devotions of black people from around the world. Many consider this album to be Kendrick Lamar’s magnum opus. He has shown that his work has staying power, and that his albums stand out among the formulaic pop-trap that reigns supreme on the radio. Perhaps TPAB has gone the farthest out of any other thing to help cement him as the king of hip hop and the greatest rapper of the generation.

With a back catalogue so insanely successful you’d expect Mr. Kendrick Lamar to be universally beloved, right? Well, not so fast. No inspection of Lamar’s career would be complete without the mention of his ground-breaking verse on the song “Control” by Big Sean. Kendrick decided to seize the moment coming off of his first platinum album by going after 11 of the biggest names in rap at the time, including: J. Cole, Meek Mill, Drake, Big KRIT, Wale, Pusha T, ASAP Rocky, Tyler The Creator, and Mac Miller. Many interpreted his lyrics in which he called out these artists to be a diss, but we now know that it was, in fact, Lamar’s intent to light a flame under these artists to create higher art. The people named on the verse were people Kendrick truly believed had the potential to create truly classic works, and his bar “I got love for you all but I'm tryin' to murder you” was aimed at them because of the intention to hype them up to work harder and realize that they weren’t inherently owed the popularity bestowed to them. The so-called “Control verse” made such a splash that even rappers who weren’t even named in the song made counter-disses to the single verse in the form of an entire song. Most notable out of these songs were Joe Budden’s “Lost Control”, Joey B4Da$$’s “Killuminati Pt. 2”, and Lupe Fiasco’s “SLR 2”. Despite the negativity spawned from this verse aimed to do good in the hip hop community, Kendrick Lamar’s twitter saw a 510% increase in followers just days after the dropping of the single. If there even was any “beef” to be had regarding this song, it is clear who the real winner was.

From the president of the United States claiming his favorite song was a Kendrick Lamar song at one point, to winning a Pulitzer Prize for 2017’s “DAMN”, the mile-high accolades of Kendrick seem almost too good to be true. However, of all accomplishments, perhaps his greatest is his influence on music. Not only has he single handedly put on several label-mates to the mainstream, but he has risen the bar of what it means to write a good rap song in this day and age. Not content with people who churn out 30 song albums as a money grab, Kendrick has shown that effort is important, that careful construction of art is important. Lamar has also been credited as reviving the importance of the hip-hop music video. It is clear during a listening session on Spotify or YouTube that so many troves of artists, young and old, are attempting to emanate the same X factor that Kendrick Lamar Duckworth has been so highly praised for, and rightfully so.

#kendrick #kendrick lamar #DAMN #maad city #tpab #rap #rapculture #hip hop #hiphop #music

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loveaurapearl · 4 years

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Steven’s Breakdown Analysis

First and foremost, I got to say that I love the ending of Steven Universe Future. It felt so right and so perfect. Yes, it is annoying that we still don’t know anything about the chest. Yes, it does stink a little that we don’t have a resolution on what’s going on with Bluebird Azurite, Mean Lapis, where Cactus Steven, watermelon Stevens and now the Steven Shrubs are, and yes, it is a little silly that Steven doesn’t have any marks after becoming a monster, but honestly, I’m still fine with the finale. It was great, it was moving, we know Steven has a therapist now, and it was just sweet. Sure, I had a few grips on Homeworld Bound, but that was the only episode that I had this feeling, all the other episodes were great. However, as I rewatched the finale, something caught my eye.

Before Steven corrupted into Wormy boi/Godzilla, (I have no idea what were are going to call him other than corrupted Steven.) I was thinking about what Steven said in his breakdown. Here’s the part of his breakdown that I need you guys to know. “I can fix anything. I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever and you’ll never know or think about it.” Steven said. Garnet calls out Steven’s name.

“*Deep Sigh* How messed up is that…? That I’ve gotten away with this for so long…? You have NO idea how bad I am. Y-You think that I’m sooo great and I’m so mature and I always know what to do… but that’s not true! I haven’t learned a thing from my problems. They’ve all just made me worse! You think of me as some Angel, but I’m not that kid anymore! I’m a fraud… *quietly sobs*… I’m a fraud... I’M… I’M A MONSTER!”

This hit hard and was very emotional... but a weird thought kept going through my head. The way he was talking, about being an angel and being put up on a pedestal. About how he keeps messing up and fixing things. It didn’t sound like Steven the character despite him using his voice... Yes, this does sound weird. Let me explain. While Steven always thought he had been the better person and to not hurt people, this still didn’t sound right for Steven to say. I mean, you could still see this as Steven talking about himself, but I still don’t get that feeling. Yeah, Steven has gone through a lot of ‘imposter syndrome’ throughout his life, but even then, I still felt like this speech wasn’t exactly Steven. Steven was never put up on a pedestal by the crystal gems. He didn’t feel like people were calling him an angel. That he was so mature and always knew what to do. Hell, Pool Hoping was about Garnet not expecting Steven to become so mature and wise, so this notion was never something that Steven had felt all his life. So, it was weird hearing him say all of this. Sure, Steven has put himself on a pedestal, especially after helping the universe, but this speech doesn’t feel like it was Steven doing this to himself. Then I thought back to Steven’s life and more specifically Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond’s life.

Pink Diamond was raised to be something great. To be better, to know better. She was a Diamond after all, and Diamonds were supposed to be perfect. However, Pink was very flawed. She had a temper, she was childish, she left Spinel behind to try and be more ‘mature’, and she hurt Volleyball in a fit of rage because she was denied a colony from White. Pink wasn’t exactly Diamond material. We still don’t know why Pink came out this way, so we can only speculate that now. When Pink became Rose Quartz, she thought she was free. She thought she could escape and find herself. Then she realized that what her family was doing was wrong and tried her best to stop it. She started a war to end it, but Even after becoming Rose Quartz, Pink still had to be the mature one, the healer, the perfect image of herself. This was made because she created the war and tried to convince people to help save the earth and stop the Diamond Authority. However, this doesn’t excuse the fact that, during the war, Pink/Rose couldn’t be confident in themselves except for Pearl. And even then, Pink didn’t want Pearl to know about her violent temper and her immaturity, so she tried her best to great and powerful. She hid secrets because she didn’t want to admit the ugly side of herself. She hid away Bismuth because she was afraid of her and her ideology. She hid Lion away from Pearl and never told anyone about him. She hid away the fact that she was a diamond because she hated being one. So, her hating herself isn’t that loose of an idea.

Now, Rose was happier as Rose Quartz than when she was Pink Diamond, but even then, Rose still wasn’t happy inside. She could never tell the other crystal gems about her identity, she couldn’t trust people because of her upbringing, and she couldn’t heal the people she hurt. She still didn’t like herself, but due to her work and the fact that she had humans to distract her, this self-hatred came in shorter bursts. That is until Greg pointed out how she didn’t respect him, it made her realize that she was still Pink Diamond inside. Rose began to engulf herself in the human ways to try and better herself. To be the perfect being her followers saw her as. But it was never enough, and so, after some time, she made Steven. Steven was raised to be as good as Rose Quartz during his life. He always felt like he had to be as good and pure as her. He believed that he could never measure up to her. But then everyone realized that real her wasn’t like that, the real she was just like Steven, a scared, confused little girl who didn’t know what to do and hanged onto other people.

“I can just keep messing up and fixing things forever and you’ll never know or think about it.” This was the exact quote that made me think something was off. Steven has never made a ‘mistake’ that he had to fix. Sure, he messed with the Sea Spire, but he couldn’t fix that. And other than that, Steven hasn’t done anything bad. The only one is Jasper, and that was recent. Plus, it doesn’t explain why Steven said he could mess up and nobody will know. When has Steven ever make a mistake and ‘get away with it’ other than with shattering Jasper? Never is what I’m saying. He has hidden his feelings, but that’s not making a mistake and hiding it from everyone. However, these things do make sense if you see this speech as Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz saying these things about herself, it makes a lot of sense. Rose was depicted as a saint, an angel, and a healer in the original series. She had to be the ‘bigger gem’ and to help people out. She also made a lot of mistakes. She hurt Volleyball, she hurt Spinel by leaving her behind, she hurt everyone by causing the gem war and faking her shattering. However, even after her faked shattering, she couldn’t escape the person she was. But then Steven was born and fixed everything. He ‘fixed’ spinel, he fixed the earth, he fixed the diamonds and changed homeworld, and his relationships with the Crystal gems, especially Bismuth. Pink/Rose hid many secrets and made many mistakes. Only ‘recently’ (in gem time) did most of her secrets and mistakes come out. Steven was there to fix all of Pink’s mistakes. However, he couldn’t fix himself or his mother whom he saw as a fraud. “I’m not a real person,” Rose said this to Greg.

“But, but Pink’s gone, right? Pink Steven even yelled to White Diamond that she was gone. There’s no way Pink is still alive. So… so what’s going on?” You may ask. I thought so too... but then, why did Steven say those things? Why is there a video showing that Pink isn’t gone? (Link by the way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xaLRGg6UJQw ) Why do we still have no idea on the chest? How come Steven is the only gem to not have corruption scars? Like not even one. I think the crewiverse is still hiding something about Pink Diamond and Steven’s identity with her.

After all, we don’t know why the trailer called Steven pink? We don’t know why it mentioned Steven remembering the Strawberry battlefield when that had nothing to do with the ending. We don’t have a complete resolution on Steven and his feelings about his mother. We haven’t seen Steven fully healed. We know he’s healing now but we still don’t have all the pieces. We know that has a therapist and has moved on. But not all our questions were answered.

So… here’s a theory, what if… Steven, complete Steven, is Pink Diamond? Like, the flawed version of herself that she didn’t like. The real her. The version of her that wasn’t build-up by the diamonds or the crystal gems. Let’s start with how Everything’s Fine started. After Steven talks to Connie, he sees himself in the tv reflection and begins denying the horrible thoughts and actions he did. He denies he’s a Diamond like he did in Homeworld Bound. He keeps proclaiming that he’s Steven Universe and that he doesn’t hurt people. He doesn’t want to be a Diamond. After all, they’re the bad guys. Steven isn’t a bad guy. He isn’t Pink or Rose, so he shouldn’t be acting this way. The part that interested me was the fact that he kept saying he’s Steven Universe. At first, you think it’s just denial that he hurt people and had thoughts about hurting people, but then the break down happens and this made me rethink Steven’s claims. I think Steven or in this case, Pink Diamond is denying that she is still Pink Diamond inside. She can’t be back, Pink and Rose were bad people. Steven is a good person. He doesn’t hurt people like how she used to do. He’s the one who makes everything better. However, once the intervention happened, Pink/Steven realized that they haven’t changed and gotten worse.

When Steven talks about how ‘great’ he was, it looks at Pearl. But Pearl never thought about Steven like this. She did, however, thought Rose was great and powerful. Pearl loved Rose for being sweet and caring. She loved the version of Rose that was a healer and didn’t do anything wrong. But that was only one side of Pink. Volleyball was the one who knew the other side of her. The side of Pink that Pink didn’t like anymore. When he was talking about maturity, it shot to Amethyst, not only as a show that Steven is jealous of Amethyst’s maturity, but also, back when Rose was around, Amethyst saw Rose as the most mature gem, with Garnet second in command. Rose was a mother symbol to Amethyst, so she had to build up the image that she was always mature. Then it cuts to Connie when Steven talks about how he always knows what to do. This was the most interesting. Connie was the one who got Steven to think that he had a magical destiny. She was the one who thought Rose was this magical, all-knowing creature who had planned a destiny for Steven. I mean, with Lion and the armory, it’s not that hard for her to jump to the conclusion and she was just a young kid who read a lot of stories about destinies so seeing these signs, it’s no wonder she thought Steven had a destiny. However, Rose never wanted Steven to have a destiny. She just wanted Steven to be Steven. She wanted a normal human life like Greg, and she wanted to be apart of the human world. Then when Steven said he only has gotten worse; it cuts to Greg. Greg was the one who made Rose realize in We Need to Talk, that Rose hadn’t changed. That she didn’t respect humans, and that he was the reason Rose began to want to have Steven so she could change. Then it cuts to Garnet when Steven talks about how he’s an angel. This represents back during the war that Garnet saw Rose as an angel. A pure being who told Garnet to be herself and don’t question anything. Garnet saw Rose as the perfect leader. However, that’s not true at all. In “We’re only falling apart”, we learned that Rose depended on the other Crystal Gems to help lead the rebellion because she didn’t how to exactly lead on her own.

Then, there’s the final line. “I haven’t learned a thing from MY problems.” Which doesn’t make sense if Steven was truly himself and not Rose/Pink? If he wasn’t her, then why did he say that? What problems didn’t he learn from? The only way this line makes sense is the fact that Pink felt she never changed from being a diamond. That she thought she had changed and become a better person when really, she hadn’t changed at all. Steven says, “they’ve just made me worse.” This is the fact that Steven shattered Jasper and thought about shattering White Diamond horrified him. He had done something, not even his mother did… (Maybe, we don’t know exactly how Pink Pearl was hurt. Some people have said that Pink Pearl was shattered, but we don’t know.) Pink/Rose was against Shattering, no matter what. It’s the reason she bubbled Bismuth away. So, knowing she betrayed her word to everyone, especially herself, would horrify her. She was now like the other diamonds, but now they’ve healed. They recovered, but Pink hadn’t.

Also, let’s look at Homeworld Bound, mostly the scene of Steven running away from the Diamonds and losing one of his slippers. Besides allowing the Diamonds a chance to follow Steven back to Beach City, the slipper is a reference to Cinderella. When Cinderella lost her slipper, she was reverting into her true self. I think the same thing happened to Steven, or should I say, Pink Diamond. Of course, no magic turned Pink into Steven and there wasn’t a magic fairy godmother who gave Rose her wish. But Pink did become Steven Universe, she embraced this new identity, forgetting about her life as both Rose Quartz and Pink Diamond. She was given a whole new world, a new relationship with Greg and the crystal gems. She was given a new lease on life and learned to better herself as Steven. But she couldn’t escape herself. White was right about her, about Pink’s flaws and how Pink’s light was in Steven. However, White was wrong about him. White thought Steven’s human body wasn’t Pink. After all, Pink’s not human, she’s a gem. However, the human side of Steven is Pink as well. The human side was Pink’s memories, her personality, her ‘humanity’. Pink Steven was her powers, her anger, her code. But removing the gem wouldn’t bring Pink back, because Pink was already there as Steven. The group just never realized this. Not even Steven.

That is until Steven loses his slipper in Homeworld Bound. There, the magic of just being Steven was gone. Steven/Pink was slowly realizing the truth, but because they’re desperate and hate being Pink Diamond, they deny to their heart content that they were JUST Steven Universe. They do all the things old Steven used to do. They went to Little Homeworld to try and pick up the broken pieces, to try and keep the effects of the ‘spell’ up. To try and make nobody realize that Pink Diamond/Rose Quartz was back. And it did work since all the characters except for Pink/Steven never realize that Pink was back, and they assumed that Steven was just having a meltdown. However, just because the characters don’t realize Pink is back doesn’t mean they don’t realize that something is wrong with Steven, so they have the intervention. They try and get the truth out of Steven, and this is where Steven spills the beans about Shattering Jasper and thinking about shattering White Diamond. Once that pin was dropped, the magic was gone. Pink/Rose/Steven had fully returned, and the mask was off. They finally vent about being put up on a pedestal. They vent about having to be perfect and how they made mistakes. They’re scared, angry, and full of doubt and despair. They realize that they were back to Pink Diamond, but even worse since they shattered Jasper. Then, they corrupt. They lose control of themselves and turn into Godzilla Steven/Pink Diamond. They become a monster. Thankfully, Steven recovers and turns back to normal. He begins to learn to love himself and moved out of Beach City. Steven… Pink Diamond is going to find themselves.

Okay, so if this theory is true, then why did Pink Steven said that Pink Diamond was gone in Change Your Mind? Well, it’s because they weren’t wrong. The old version of Pink Diamond was gone as far as Steven was a concern. Pink Steven/Pink Diamond hated being Pink Diamond, of being Rose Quartz. They were never as happy as those identities. They wanted nothing to do with their past identities. They were tired of everyone wanting the old versions of Pink Diamond to come back, so Pink yelled that she was gone. She assumed that since she was now Steven, she wasn’t Pink Diamond anymore. She thought she was free. But by the time of Steven’s Breakdown, she realized that she wasn’t free from herself and that she was still Pink Diamond inside. She’s just been denying it because she didn’t WANT to be Pink Diamond. That’s why Pink Steven yelled, “SHE’S GONE!!!!”.

So, then what Steven is? Steven is Pink Diamond, but in the form, she always wanted to be. During the Diamond Days arch, it was at first depicted as an allegory of someone who had become trans and was dealing with a toxic family that didn’t accept that the person was trans. But we decided that it was more than that since we thought Steven wasn’t Pink Diamond. However, with this info, I think we’re thinking of black and white. Pink Diamond never went away. She changed her form into something she liked, and his name is Steven Universe. Pink Diamond is trans and she transitioned into the male identity of Steven Universe. Pink Diamond as Steven found himself. She was never comfortable being a diamond, and even when she became Rose Quartz, she was never herself because of the war and the fact that she technically stole the identity of the other Rose Quartzes. But Steven. Steven can be himself. There aren’t any Stevens that Pink is stealing the identity of. They realize that they can learn to love and be loved. They learned how to make real connections with people and how to help people with their problems. But now, they’ve grown. They realized that they aren’t perfect, that they don’t have to be perfect, and everyone will love them even if they aren’t perfect. They realized that it’s okay that to be ugly, that it’s okay to feel awful sometimes, and that this ugly side of themselves will always exist. They began to learn to accept the fact that they are still a Diamond despite the gender-flipped. They’re beginning to learn to accept that the Diamonds have changed, and the world is changing around them. Steven accepted that he’s Steven and Pink Diamond and that he’s allowed to love himself. Steven will learn to love like the People around himself and learn how to be human.

Anyway, maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong. But these have been my thoughts about Steven’s Breakdown. Maybe we’ll never know the answers to the questions I asked. Maybe Steven isn’t Pink Diamond and I’m just blowing smoke into a room. Maybe fanfic could answer them? I don’t know. But hope you like my little post.

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novantinuum · 4 years

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Intake, Ch. 2

Fandom: Steven Universe

Rating: Teen Audiences

Words: 3600~

Summary: While waiting in the van, Greg reflects on the current state of his son’s mental health, and his many questionable parenting decisions.

This is set multiple months pre The Future, and is a bonus Greg-POV follow up to a previous one-shot I wrote. No context of that is needed to understand this.

If you read this and enjoy, I’d greatly appreciate your support through reblogs here, or kudos/comments on AO3 as well. AO3 link will be provided in the reblogs. Thank you! <3

____

Animated fireworks flash on Greg Universe’s phone screen, virtual fanfare for the virtual victor, as he clears the last king from the tableau. His brows shoot upwards in delight when he sees the final count of the timer. Wow, under three minutes. That’s close to a personal record. Not too shabby for a man who swears he finds a new strand of grey each and every week.

Another day, another successful round of solitaire in the bag.

Sighing, he almost clicks for a new deal, but then realizes it’s almost noon, and that his son is set to finish his first session any minute now. With that in mind, he switches off his phone and nestles it in the empty cup holder at his side, making sure it doesn’t touch the sticky soda stain covering a portion of the plastic. He’d kinda like to be paying attention when Steven exits the therapist’s office, rather than lose himself in a mindless distraction only to be startlingly yanked back to reality by timid knocks on the van door.

Timid.

If any word could be used to describe the way Steven dances around interactions with him these days, this one fits the bill. The boy will sometimes talk to him, sure, but it’s all small talk, short and curt responses, half-hearted shrugs. He’s positive there has to be more to his reluctance to fully engage, to even embrace him, but if so he’s not seeing it. At this point, the last time they had a true heart-to-heart conversation was on their road trip, before the crash. What on Earth happened? They used to be close. They used to share everything with each other, before he moved in with the Gems. Years later, he assumed they still did. And yet, after Dr. Maheswaran showed him the blunt reality of the X-rays on Steven’s chart... those dozens of healed-over fractures, speaking to a litany of injuries sustained throughout childhood, injuries he never knew about, all leading to trauma he never saw the signs of... he realized that, at some point, the two of them had drifted apart. When he was younger he thought he was correcting from his parents’ iron rule, letting his son have all the freedom he wanted. But was it too much? Was he that neglectful a father?

When did he stop paying attention to Steven’s emotional needs enough to miss his steep slip into mental distress?

He sighs, guilt lining the inside of his stomach like the burn of hard liquor coating one’s throat.

It’s not about me, he reminds himself. I can’t make it about me.

It’s the same mantra that kept him stubbornly pushing forward through waves of anguish and remorse weeks back, when his poor boy was roaring, slashing his claws at anyone that dared edge close, years of buried anger and pain thrown to the forefront in a veritable explosion of scales and thorns.

He glides his hand across the faux wood paneling on the dashboard as he consigns himself to recent memory, letting both his fingertips and his mind trace every dip and ridge of its grain. That was probably the most terrifying thing he’d ever witnessed in his life. His own son, disappearing in seconds into this... this monstrous thing, like all the corrupted Gems he used to see them fight from a distance but so, so much bigger. So much rawer. He genuinely thought he’d lost him forever that day. His own panic aside, he can’t even imagine what that experience must have been like for Steven. Remembering those heartbreaking three words he said before it happened, though, glowing pink on hands and knees, he’s not sure he wants to.

“Greg,” Dr. Priyanka Maheswaran says sternly as he exits the thrashed examination room, toting a clipboard under her arm. Her gaze, while undoubtedly sympathetic to the plight of the boy who’s currently changing back into his clothes in privacy, regards him with a fiery sort of reproval the likes he hasn’t squirmed under since he was a child himself. “We need to have a frank conversation about your son’s wellbeing.”

From the corner of his eyes he catches a blur of pink and faded denim blue pushing through the small office’s exterior door. Greg jolts to action, wiping what he fears is a self-pitying look off his face and attempting to replace it with something that looks halfway encouraging. Part of him’s terrified that no matter what he changes, it‘ll never be enough. He’s admittedly still at a loss for how to most helpfully interact with someone struggling with, erm... well, let’s be blunt— with long-untreated mental illness— but he’d do anything for his son’s sake at this point, even if that involves the hard work of addressing his own habits and convictions. He unlocks the van just as Steven walks up alongside.

He can’t help but briefly hold his breath the moment the passenger door opens.

The teen appears no different than he did when Greg left the office to sit in the van an hour and a half ago— his eyes are downcast, drawn with exhaustion, expression unreadable— but to be fair he supposes it’s silly to expect any drastic shift in mood after only one session. Right?

“Now, to be clear, I’m not licensed to diagnose mental disorders,” she explains, glancing up from her notes, “but from everything I’ve witnessed, tested, and heard from him today I have a strong suspicion that he’s dealing with post-traumatic stress.” Mouth pinched, she drops her clipboard on the counter beside them, its dull clap as it hits the laminate punctuating the sheer gravity of her words. “There’s my prognosis,” she says bluntly, palms spread wide. “This looks like textbook PTSD, ignored and overlooked for months.”

Greg lets the bitter reality of those four letters sink in, his eyes burning, throat dry, his heart cracking with despair at the very thought of— he only barely holds back what he’s sure in this circumstance, host to the scolding of a medical practitioner, is a pathetic sob— of his Steven, suffering through all these turbulent emotions for goodness knows how long, no one the wiser, no one noticing his silent cries for help, no one—

He... god, he didn’t know. He didn’t know! How could he have been so stupid to not have noticed?

“You do understand how serious this situation is, yes?” she continues when he doesn’t vocally respond. “How- how irresponsible it is to have never taken your sixteen-year-old son in for even, what? A simple check up? And, and—“ she holds her hands up before he can blurt out a response. “I know what you’re about to say. I know he’s half-Gem, I know he’s different than anyone else on this planet. But he has human needs, too, Greg! I just—!” Priyanka inhales deep, pressing her thumb against her temple as she pauses to catch her cool. “Pardon me. I’m sorry for snapping. I know you love him, and mean well with him, but at this point, we need to face the truth. That boy is hurting, badly. And if he’s going to have any chance of recovering from this, he needs your full support now more than ever.”

The passenger seatbelt clicks, the door already closed. Steven sighs under his breath, sinking into the time-worn, faded seat back. Greg studies his son’s face for a moment, noting with concern the lines of stress creased under his eyes.

“Hey, bud,” he says, his hands shifting to the wheel, nervously fidgeting as he waits for a response, any response.

“Hey,” he mutters, already pulling out his phone. (Probably to text Connie, if he has to guess. Greg counts himself thankful that he has this solid friendship to help anchor him at such a difficult point in his life. Simultaneously, his heart aches knowing the stress that girl’s surely gone through by choosing to be a support for him.)

“How... erm, how’d it go?”

He gives him a big shrug, his fingertips blazing across the screen in an almost dizzying display of dexterity. “It went.”

Greg’s fingers rap against the sun-stained leather. “You still game for gettin’ some food?”

“Yeah. That’s fine.”

Okay. Good. Lunchtime is a go, then, he thinks, diverting his notice to the keys in the ignition. Despite this, there’s a shade of disappointment that tints the atmosphere within this space. Unable to shake the harrowing feeling that he failed some sort of unspoken test with his son, he starts the van and— mentally plotting a course to that good Thai place Steven discovered a few months back— carefully pulls out of the cramped parking lot onto the main road, hoping that this extension to their time together may eventually chip away at the ice that’s formed between them.

Some classic rock plays on the radio as he drives, a band Greg distantly recalls hearing via his classmates in high school but can’t remember the name of. The singer’s mellow tenor effortlessly fills the gaps left behind in their timid silence. Briefly glancing away from the road, he catches Steven’s fingers tapping against his phone to the beat as he waits for a reply to his text, lips drawn. It’s an almost minuscule display, so subtle that any untrained eye might miss it, but witnessing this proof that his son is still very much capable of finding pleasure in music, however small said source of pleasure may be, he can’t help but smile. Soon enough, he passes the crooked street lamp on the corner of Glover and 4th that he always uses as a mental marker when navigating around the small town of Seaside, and takes a quick left at the next stoplight. It’s funny... this place is only twenty or so miles away from home, but given gas costs and his habitual frugalness, he hasn’t explored this county enough over the years to form a good internal map beyond Beach City. Perhaps now, with his son coming to this town every week for therapy, that will change.

The song ends on a sleek guitar riff, and quickly transitions back to the station’s upbeat radio personality.

“You’re listening to Dragon’s Hoard FM, your home for all of music’s greatest treasures! Next up, a trip down memory lane... to a fan favorite from the 1971 best-selling artist... welcome to the party, Kerry Moonbeam.”

Static pours through his nerves as the next number begins to play, (why now, why now, what cruel cosmic timing is this??), robbing all sensation from his fingers. His knuckles grow uncharacteristically pale as he clutches at the wheel, wrestling for dominance.

“Looking for your place in the universe...”

He doesn’t dare shift his gaze from traffic this time, but all he can see in his mind’s eye is that glowing, nauseatingly bright pink. The unwavering tension hanging over them, thick as smog, as their conversation grows terse and grim. His son at the helm, the demons of their past steering their trajectory far out of anyone’s control, as— angered and upset over what he now accepts are entirely rational things— he openly calls out his failures, his lack of structure, lack of attention, his—

“Don’t you know the universe is looking too~ Looking for its place in yo—“

And with the twist of a knob, it’s over. Some local station replaces those tense airwaves, bringing him relief from tainted memory in an instant. His hand quivers as it returns to command of the wheel. In the passenger seat, Steven glances up from his text conversation with that instinctual concern he’s so prone to, eyes blown wide and colored with equal parts confusion and sympathy.

Notably, there’s not a sign of pink.

Swallowing hard, Greg considers saying something in explanation, but in the tangled complexity of their current relationship he can’t think of anything worth saying. Eventually, his throat runs dry in his own silence. His son stops gawking at him like another problem to be fixed, attention drifting back to his phone. His muscles loosen in sheer relief.

He sighs under his breath as he slows for a pedestrian at the crosswalk. Willfully, he buries himself in the mindless drivel of the local talk show he switched to for the rest of the drive, allowing their distant voices to cover the aching, lonely gap torn in his heart.

____

They put in their order when the waitress arrives, Steven settling on pad thai with egg and tofu, and Greg falling back on an old favorite with fried rice and pork. She jots this down on her notepad in a jiffy, pours them some water, then hurriedly scuttles behind the curtain that separates the kitchen from the remainder of the restaurant. It is the lunch rush, after all.

Thankfully though, even amongst the rush the two of them were lucky enough to be seated at a cozy table nestled against the back wall, affording them a decent amount of privacy. There’s enough ambient chit-chat bouncing around the room that Greg doesn’t feel eaten alive by that aching isolation he endured on the almost silent drive over, but not enough that these people’s presence feels suffocating. Steven slowly sips at his water as he politely listens to his updates on Sadie and Shep’s blossoming music career. He’s not saying much in response beyond asking the appropriate follow-up questions and then nodding his head at his answers, but in the end, that’s fine. Even if the recent lack of depth to their conversations bothers him, even if his son’s silence shatters his heart, in his mind it’s not fair to pressure him to interact in a manner he‘s not ready for yet. Greg just needs to be patient. He’ll open up to him when the time is right. There’s no need to push so hard that the remaining threads stringing their relationship together snap altogether, which is— if he’s honest— the future he fears the most.

The one where he becomes no better than his own over-controlling parents.

With his fingers obsessively rapping alongside the side of his glass, he continues to make substance-less small talk, anything to aid in the illusion that the two of them can still carry a conversation together.

“So yeah, that’s where they’re at right now,” he says. “They said they’re gonna put a pause on the touring, and start working on a full album.”

“Nice. Good for them,” Steven responds, the lines under his eyes betraying his underlying exhaustion, even if it appears he’s trying his hardest to mask it. (But for who’s sake?) “And you, you’re still gonna...?”

“Be their manager, yes. That’s still the plan.”

“Cool, cool.“

Their words fade amongst the ambient chatter, neither immediately leaping to comment further.

He softly clears his throat. “And, uh... in the end, I’ll be there whenever they need me, y’know? They might decide they want someone else supportin’ them along some day, and that’s fine.” He wrings his hands together atop the table, watching his son closely. “I only want the best for them.”

The teen’s hollow glance flits across the restaurant, landing from person to person, his leg bouncing nervously under the table all the while. Upon sensing this, it suddenly hits Greg that this is the first time Steven’s been out in busy public beyond the familiar faces of Beach City. For a second he can’t help but fret that all this activity— therapist’s waiting room, awkward car ride, going out to a busy restaurant at noon— will only serve to stress the poor kid out, but then again... pressing his silent worries onto the situation won’t help anyone. The only thing that’s important right now is for his son to know he’s always loved. Always heard, always seen, from this moment on.

After all his failures as a guardian in the years prior, it’s the least he can do.

And then, as Steven’s gaze shifts back into focus, Greg can wholeheartedly sense that he’s mentally engaged, delicate machinery in his mind whirring away as he processes every facet of this conversation, this moment, this place. He swallows hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and then opens his mouth to speak.

“With Sadie and Shep, well...” He scratches at the back of his neck, not quite sustaining eye contact. “I’m sure that... no matter what the future holds, they’ll always appreciate the support you did give them. Even if some of that support maaaybe wasn’t exactly what they needed at the time,” he adds as an afterthought, voice falling soft.

Something within his chest unshackles upon hearing these words, their double meaning more than clear to him. He blinks hard, desperately trying not to utterly break down in front of his own kid. “Steven, I—“

His attempt to piece together a heartfelt response is interrupted by the arrival of their lunch, steam wafting off each plate as the waitress sets them both on the table. They both offer their thanks, and unwind their utensils from their napkins. He’s quick to dig in to his fried rice and pork, having not eaten a full meal since last night. Steven, on the other hand, picks and prods at his entrée, something he’s noticed has become a concerningly common occurrence in recent weeks. He still eats, thank the stars, but not with zeal.

Greg is already midway through his plate before by the time his son‘s just started to put a dent into his own. The teen twirls his chopsticks around a clump of noodles and bean sprouts, seeming more lost in thought than usual. A moment passes, and he opens his mouth as if he’s about to speak up, but quickly shuts it again.

His brow creases with equal parts worry and curiosity. “You got somethin’ on your mind, bud?”

Steven frowns, abandoning his otherwise proficient chopstick skills to stab the tip of one of them into a hunk of tofu. “I guess it’s just that... well... nothing about that appointment was what I expected,” he says, and lifts his utensil to take a bite.

“Oh, yeah?” he prompts, and leans into the table with a surplus of attentiveness. All the while, he’s waging a desperate internal battle not to seem like he’s clinging to his each and every word. (Just let him open up at his own pace, Greg. Don’t be suffocating. Encourage him, but give him time.)

“It wasn’t like, bad,” he murmurs softly, his blank gaze drifting across the ornaments and framed art strewn across the restaurant walls. “But we barely even talked about the last few months? I thought we would, but we didn’t. Instead, he just asked a lot of questions about you, the Gems, Beach City, what it was like growing up. Some clarification on the history of the Diamonds, and the war. I dunno,” he shrugs, and twirls his chopsticks through his pad thai again. “It was kinda strange.”

Greg reflects for a moment on his son’s words, recalling with a slight grimace the first conversation he and the Gems had with Steven about considering therapy. At first he was strongly resistant to the idea, almost indignantly so, claiming that he could “sort this all out by himself” given time, that no one could ever relate to his exact problems enough to be of any help, and that he didn’t want to make his stupid life someone else’s burden in the first place. And even when they managed to convince him to give it a try, he still admitted worry about finding someone who knew enough about Gems to be qualified to treat him. So in that case, he can understand if the teen feels a little nervous, being asked so many questions about his complex lineage.

“Yeah, I hear ya’,” he nods, and then— catching the inside of his cheek between his teeth, rapidly weighing the pros and cons of risking a more in-depth comment— “With what Dr. Maheswaran’s told me about therapy, though, that sounds about normal for a first session, for anyone.”

Steven visibly perks up, perhaps in relief that for once his experience isn’t a unique exception like many other things in his childhood... schooling, housing situation, etc. etc... have been.

“Really? What- what did she say about it?”

“Mostly that it’s important for therapists to build context so they can better understand their client’s current state, or something like that.”

“Huh,” he says thoughtfully, sitting back in his chair. “Well, I guess that makes sense.”

“In the end, you’re definitely not the only one in this boat, Schtu-ball. And that‘s gotta be a little reassuring, yeah?”

He smiles in response. It’s small, merely a slight upward tilt of his lip, but it’s there. “Yeah. I suppose it is.”

____

Their conversation fades back into small-talk after that, but by that point Greg doesn’t feel so bothered. Instead, he feels as if a colossal weight’s been lifted from his chest. He’s not sure Steven fully understands the gift he’s given him today, opening up a little about his inner life after so many long weeks of self imposed silence, but the reassurance it’s offered about the state of their bond is astronomical. It promises healing, a brand new chance to listen and understand.

To change and grow in relationship together, father and son.

“Hey, Dad?” he asks hesitantly as he climbs into the passenger seat.

“Yeah, bud?”

He diverts his attention from the dashboard for just a moment, just long enough to catch a glimpse of the teenager. Clutching their leftovers in his lap, Steven’s eyes land on the stack of CDs tucked into the door pocket.

“D’ya think we can listen to one of your albums on the way back?”

With a watery smile, he switches the van’s radio to disk mode.

“Take your pick.”

#su #su future #greg universe #steven universe #su fanfiction #su fanfic #my writing stuff

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myhauntedsalem · 4 years

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The Most Haunted Mirrors in the World

Since 6000 BC, mirrors have been a common object found in most households. Apart from photographs, mirrors enable us to truly see what we look like from an outsider’s perspective. But what happens when a mirror shows you more than just your reflection?

What happens if a mirror shows you something frightening? Something you were never meant to see?

Over the last few centuries, people have started collecting mirrors not just for the sake of practicality, but for décor around their houses. And every once in a while, a person may stumble upon a mirror that could be considered haunted.

Often times someone will claim a mirror is haunted as a means of making profit off sites such as eBay. But occasionally, a person may come across a piece of glass that is really and truly haunted.

1. Twisting Inversions

Years ago, while at a cookout with his family, a gentleman named Juan heard a chilling tale of a haunted mirror from his cousin in Vercruz, Mexico.

One day, Juan’s cousin and a friend of his were shopping in an antiques store when he came across a large Victorian style mirror. The mirror was incredibly ornate, with a brushed silver frame. Juan’s cousin was drawn to it immediately and asked the shop owner how much it cost.

The shop owner told him the price, but seemed a little edgy afterward. He told Juan’s cousin that if he wished to purchase the mirror that he must make sure that it is always covered by a heavy cloth after the sun goes down.

Juan’s cousin found the man to be a bit quirky, but nevertheless promised that he would do as the owner bid. He purchased the mirror and drove it home in the back of his truck.

He arrived home in the early evening. After he found a space on the wall of his bedroom to hang it, he admired his reflection for a few minutes, then promptly covered it with a bedsheet. He felt a little silly doing so, but the shop owner had been so adamant…

Dusk approached. Juan’s cousin was relaxing on the couch when he began to hear a steady knocking sound as though someone was at the door. However, no one was there.

Puzzled, he wandered through the house, tracking the noise until he got to his bedroom. Chills ran down his spine as he realized that the knocking sound was coming from within the mirror. Slowly, he grabbed the bedsheet by the corners and pulled it off the mirror.

Inside the mirror was his reflection, but a reflection that moved entirely on its own. Juan’s cousin watched in horror as his mirror self slowly knocked on the glass surface, an eerie, leering smile on its face.

He moved to cover the mirror back up, but his reflection somehow managed to grab him, and attempted to pull him into the mirror itself. This surreal violence had Juan’s cousin paralyzed with fear. He fought to free himself, but his reflection was too strong. He was partially pulled into the mirror.

His fear escalated ten times over when he peered around. Within the mirror he saw his bedroom, but everything was inverted backwards. Juan’s cousin began to pray, and only then did he find the strength to free himself from the mirror.

He fell to the floor and immediately ran out of the house. He ran down the street to his friend’s house and stayed there until morning, too terrified to return to his home. When the sun rose, he and his friend grabbed the mirror and burned it in a raging bonfire.

Since destroying the evil mirror, everything has, thankfully, returned to normal.

2. Scratches in Oil

A young man who goes by the name of Nooko once discovered a mirror in an abandoned building not far from his house. The building was strewn with various trash and broken furniture, and it seemed that the only thing that was in perfect condition was a small, square mirror he had found up against the wall.

Nooko was studying art at the time, and had been interested in painting on a glass surface for some time. He brought the mirror home with him, thinking it would be his next canvas.

He laid out a brand-new tarp, and arranged his oil paints on the floor of his bedroom. For hours, he worked on the mirror, adding stroke after stroke until at last he was finished. On the mirror’s surface was a portrait of himself.

Happy with this work, Nooko carefully closed up his paints and crawled into bed shortly after midnight. The following morning, he opened his eyes and recalled what he had done before. Looking to the mirror, he was shocked to see that it had been altered over the course of the night. His portrait was still drying on the surface, but through his face was a series of long, deep scratch marks.

Had he somehow missed these marks when he first picked up the mirror? No, he had cleaned the surface before he had started painting. Puzzled, Nooko looked around his room, trying to discern what could have made the scratches. All of his supplies were in the exact place they had been when he had fallen asleep. He didn’t have any pets or siblings, and his parents would have never destroyed one of his pieces.

In addition to the scratch marks, Nooko also noticed substantial tears in the tarp. He searched his room thoroughly, but he could not come up with any possible theories as to what had caused such destruction.

He was scared. After the portrait finished drying, Nooko took the mirror and placed it in the shed in his backyard. It remains there to this day. Whenever Nooko needs supplies out of the shed, he always feels extremely uncomfortable, as though something foreign and malicious is present.

He hasn’t look at mirrors quite the same way since.

3. Victorian Evil

When Sotiris Charlambous and Joseph Birch found a large Victorian mirror in the dumpster outside of their London flat, they thought they had hit the jackpot. The antique mirror was quite beautiful, with a thick walnut border. They believed it would look great hung up over the radiator in their apartment.

But not long after they hung the mirror up, strange things began to occur to both of them. Sotiris found himself suddenly waking up in the middle of the night with stabbing pains shooting through his entire body. Joseph, usually a very happy twenty-year-old student, found himself feeling incredibly depressed and void of energy

At first, neither of them made any correlation between their mental and physical symptoms with the mirror. That is, until Sotiris decided to paint the walnut frame a bright silver. After that, their problems only escalated.

Joseph began to experience the same sharp pains that Sotiris felt during the middle of the night. Objects began to go missing, such as keys and documents.

And that’s when Joseph started noticing strange movement coming from the mirror. It began one day when he was alone in the flat. He had been walking down the hall towards his bedroom when he caught movement in the mirror’s reflection out of his periphery. Dark shadows seemed to flicker and move on the glass surface, even when Joseph stood completely still.

The two friends confronted their landlord about the mirror and soon discovered that it had once been his. When they asked if he wanted the mirror back, he quickly shook his head.

“I don’t want anything to do with that mirror,” the landlord said.

It wasn’t long after that the nightmares began. Joseph feared being in the apartment by himself—he was certain that something malevolent was there with him, draining him of his happiness and energy.

Sotiris began to theorize that something awful had happened in front of the mirror, and it had somehow managed to absorb the negative energy from the event. He became convinced that someone had once been murdered in front of its glass surface, and now the mirror brought nothing but discomfort and despair wherever it was.

When the radiator and landline phone mysteriously stopped working, the two friends begrudgingly realized that their troubles were only going to escalate. They decided to put the mirror on Ebay, with full disclosure as to what had been happening to them.

The mirror has since gone to the highest bidder, and the two friends are certain that a feeling of lightness and hope as flooded into their apartment once more. They hope that whoever has the mirror now is well trained in the paranormal and will not experience what they endured while the Victorian mirror was in their home.

4. A Family of Spirits

Most people who have a deep interest in the paranormal have heard about the infamous Myrtles Plantation in St. Francisville, Louisiana. Built in 1796, the house has become known as being one of the most haunted historical locations in the south.

But what some people may not realize is that within the haunted house lays a haunted mirror.

In the hallway, across from the large wooden staircase is a large, rectangular mirror with a gilded gold frame. The mirror has been within the house for well over two centuries, and many eerie stories have surfaced about it.

According to one story, Sara Bradford Woodruff, who lived in the house, along with her husband and children, during the 1820s haunts the house, and is said to be permanently trapped inside the mirror.

Tourists who take their picture in front of the mirror often find strange anomalies in their photographs—creepy looking shadows, or an array of orbs. Some people even claim that they have seen fingerprints and silvery apparitions standing on the staircase reflected within the mirror’s surface.

Some people believe the mirror shows nothing but ordinary reflections, but there are countless accounts of believers and skeptics alike who have seen something paranormal in its ancient surface.

Today, the Myrtles Plantation is open to tours and also serves as a Bed and Breakfast. If you decide to visit, be sure to have your photograph taken in front of the mirror. But be warned—you may not like what you see.

5. Into the Black

Greg Newkirk has always had a profound interest in the paranormal. Over the years, he began to research and track down various objects that others had deemed as haunted. Once Greg had collected a sufficient number of items, he, along with his wife Dana, formed the Traveling Museum of the Paranormal & Occult. Essentially, Greg and his wife travel around the country and display their supernatural finds for anyone who is curious.

A couple years ago, Greg was contacted by a young woman about a small mirror with black glass. The woman, who wanted to remain anonymous, stated that her mother had acquired the mirror during a psychic expo. Her daughter thought nothing of the purchase until her mother began to act very withdrawn and subdued. When the young woman confronted her mother, her mother claimed that it was the mirror’s doing… that it was inherently evil.

Skeptical, the young woman took the mirror home with her, concerned over her mother’s mental health. Despite not believing what her mother had said about the dark mirror, nevertheless she found herself feeling oddly uncomfortable and uneasy in her home. After a few short days, she contacted Greg and donated the mirror to the traveling museum.

At first, Greg kept his distance from the mirror—not because he was frightened by it, but because he didn’t want to be disappointed if nothing paranormal occurred. Often times, the museum has supposedly haunted objects donated to it, but nothing strange ever actually occurs. However, since it was newly acquired, Greg brought it along for their next tour.

One their first stop in Pennsylvania, a woman immediately picked up the mirror and gazed at her reflection. Within seconds, she had grown extremely pale and had set the mirror down, hastening to cover it up with a piece of cloth. When Greg asked her what she had seen, the woman replied that she had seen her own corpse in the mirror’s reflection. The woman then stated that the mirror was dark in nature and that she needed to go pray.

Confused but excited by such an account, Greg made it a point to carefully observe anyone else who grabbed the mirror. Some individuals only saw their reflection…but others had much more ghastly things to report.

Another woman in a different location also claimed to have seen her corpse. One man, a supposed diehard skeptic, stated that he had seen his reflection but that it had turned around and had walked completely out of the frame. Another woman claimed that when she looked at her reflection, her mirror image had begun to whisper ,despite the fact that the woman herself never once opened her mouth while gazing into the mirror.

Greg and his wife continue to tour with the dark mirror, but the paranormal enthusiast admits that he keeps the mirror covered when it resides in their home. He avoids looking at the mirror at all costs. The mirror itself seems to want to draw Greg in, but he has always resisted gazing into the glass surface head on. He has become convinced that whatever the mirror wants to show him, it will not be pleasant.

#The Most Haunted Mirrors in the World #shared stories #paranormal #ghost and hauntings #ghost and spirits

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thevirtualcanvas · 4 years

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Steven’s Lament

Just a little fic inspired by @taikova ‘s illustration of Steven lying in bed. So please enjoy C:

12:46

Maybe a cup of green tea would help?

1:32

Alright. Two cups.

3:12

Three cups, stargazing, phone scrolling and staring up at the ceiling and – nothing. He knew he was exhausted, he knew he should sleep. But what was the point? It's not like he had any responsibilities any more, or any friends thanks to his latest gem-related screw-up.

The back-light of his phone seeped through his covers, bouncing off his gem and reflected a soft pink light into his room. Pink. It was his entire problem. The tarpaulin that covered the front of his broken house rustled in the sea breeze; mixing with the sounds of Lion's snoring, it was driving Steven crazy. Though a lot of things did these days. He tapped his fingers against his chest and groaned, he should just get up. Lying in bed was pointless. Maybe he could go sleep with Lion for old times sake, or he could throw his head in Lion's mane and just be done with it?

Yikes. That was a dark thought.

Steven threw back the covers with a heavy arm, swung his legs around, and sat upright facing his sliding door. The gems hadn't spoken to him in days, well, more specifically, he'd avoided them. He'd let them orchestrate the rebuilding work with Bismuth and her team and kept out of the way. He couldn't stand to look them in the eyes, all those awful things he'd said and Cactus Steven had told them everything – each dark and personal thought and worst of all at the time, he'd meant it.

He rubbed at his tired eyes and played with the phone in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over the screen. Steven yearned to talk to someone and no one. Pearl had sent his Dad over the day before as he'd sat in the greenhouse atop the warp pad, sulking. But he couldn't tell him how he felt, how could his Dad possibly understand? In the end, he brushed his Dad off with a half-assed smile. I'm fine, it's just Gem stuff.

Greg Universe sighed, looked at his son, more worried for him than he'd even been (even when he had been kidnapped by home-world gems and oh boy did some hair fall out then) and said,

“Stuball. Gem stuff or not, just know we all love you, and when you're ready to talk, we're ready to listen.”

Why did his Dad sound like him? When did everyone else start to take his job? He helped, Steven Universe, helper of the galaxy. Capable of solving anyone's problems. Except for his own.

“Fuckkkkk.” It slipped from his lips, reactionary. Lined with utter frustration and barely an utterance but he surprised even himself. He remembered that time Pearl went mental at Amethyst for using it in the temple around him. Amethyst simply shrugged, winked at Steven and told him to save for it a special occasion. Was the end of himself as he knew it a justifiable special occasion?

A tempestuous snore from Lion pulled him from his thoughts, yup, he needed to leave his room. Taking his phone with him, Steven dragged himself to the greenhouse. Bismuth hadn't started work in there yet, and a massive hole graced the peak of the dome. He'd cleared up the shattered glass, and floated up to cover the top in plastic, just in case it rained, apart from that the room remained the same. He'd even left the cardboard box he'd kept Cactus Steven prisoner in exactly where he'd thrown it, a monument to his own failure. Pale moonlight danced across the petals and leaves of each flower in the room. The warp pad hummed in the center giving off its own soft glow, waiting on standby for Steven to use it.

“Hey everyone,” he laughed with insincerity to his home-grown friends. Of course, they didn't respond, they were just plants. The real versions of his friends were out doing amazing things; Steven had done his amazing, now he was stuck, stagnant in Beach City. “Hey, Connie, how are you doing, smarty?” Steven walked over to the delicate blue flower, it's violet petals almost seemed to shine brighter in this light. His fingers caressed the underside of the velvet-soft flower and it made him miss the real Connie even more.

“I've messed-up, Con,” he told her as he sat crossed-legged on the floor underneath the flower pot. “I've done and said some terrible things recently and every time I do all I can think about is her...”

The plant sat silently, almost as if it were listening.

“I'm so angry – all of the time. I'm doing things and finding out things about my gem self that I never knew I could do and I don't know if I want to... because the more I do, the more I become like – ” Steven paused. Throat closing, eyes threatening to tear. He was scared. Not that he'd turn into his Mom; Rose Quartz had spent thousands of years repenting and paying for her actions, but Pink? She'd done so much damage, ruined so many lives including that of a son she'd never know she'd have. “I don't want to be Pink Diamond, Connie. She was selfish, destructive and so out of control! I don't want anyone to look at me and see her anymore!”

Pink Diamond took his childhood. Pink Diamond took his identity. Pink took everything.

Purple petals turned pink and with a gasp, Steven realised he was losing it. He could see his reflection on the glossy floor and it terrified him. Pink. Eyes. Hair. Skin. Everything was glowing pink. The colour made him sick.

“See?” He sobbed. “There I go again. Turning into her. The one thing they all hate above everything else.”

Large tears stung as they fell down his face, his body shook as he pulled it as close as he could. “And you know what, Connie,” he laughed to himself almost manically. “I hate her too.”

Steven howled, months of pent-up anger and rage, flowing freely as big pink tears. He shook and shook, holding himself tight, wishing someone else was. The plants, the tables and the gardening equipment rattled around him. The power that sat within him, poured out, raw and emotional. It wasn't sharp, like The Reef, or purposeful, like his fight with Jasper. His power lamented, wrapped sorrow around every living thing, and forced his emotions through it. Flower Connie wilted, but he didn't even notice; too busy drowning in guilt and a host of other negative emotions he was allowing himself to feel.

Steven didn't notice anything. Not the ambivalent roar of Lion. Nor the sound of a portal opening up. The urgent steps. Or the greenhouse door opening with a hiss.

“Steven!”

Steven turned to the sound of his name – shocked by the owner and relieved all at once. “Connie?! What are you doing here?” He hiccuped between the tears.

Connie was there. The real Connie, not the plant version he'd been speaking to for months. Stood in the doorway in her pajamas, looking at him. Hair ruffled, cheeks rosy from running so hard and a dressing gown haphazardly slung over her shoulders. Lion was behind her, whining and nudging the base of her back, urging her forward. Connie rushed across the greenhouse, throwing herself at him, joining him in his pity party on the floor. She launched herself; landing in a mess of limbs, tangling her arms around his neck, burying her head in the crux of his shoulder, pressing the rest of her as close as to him as possible. They'd never concerned themselves with personal space in the entire time they'd known each other, she wasn't going to start now. Not when he needed her.

“Why didn't you call?”

Connie. His Connie. She was really here, warm and bright, He buried his nose into her dark hair, pink hands coiling into the thick strands, the cool scent of lavender and juniper filled his nostrils.

“I didn't want to bother you,” he whispered feeling the sweet heat of her lips against his neck as she spoke.

“Steven,” she spoke sternly, but with an undeniable love, just like her mother. “You could never bother me.” Connie pulled herself back to look at him, on her knees between his thighs, and hands cupping his still round cheeks. Rich eyes drew him in, oh how he'd missed seeing her face. “You can talk to me about anything. Or cry. Sit in silence. You even have a temper tantrum if you need to. Just don't keep me out. I've missed you, Jam bud.”

Above him, plant Connie's petals rustled, springing back to life. Steven could feel the pink fading as real Connie took his hands in hers; they were so warm, and small – but he loved them. He loved her.

“I'm sorry Lion woke you up,” he apologised as he pried his back of the floor and sat up.

She squeezed his chunky hands, and rubbed the back of them with the pads of her thumbs. “I'm not. I couldn't sleep anyway. Something felt off – now I know what it was.”

He cringed, embarrassed by the outburst, and the way his Gem powers amplified every emotion he had. “I wish you hadn't seen that...”

Connie scowled at him. “I'm glad I did – you don't need to hide anything from me. I'm not here to judge you, I'm here because my best friend in the whole galaxy needs help.”

Steven bit his lip. “But what about your parents, aren't they going to be upset you're gone?”

“I think Lion gave the game away. I have my phone, my Mom knows where I am.”

“But what about school?”

“It's fine.”

“I don't want to take you away from your work Connie, you've been working so hard!”

“Steven –”

“We need to get you home! There's still a couple of hours until sunrise and I – ”

“Steven!” Connie shouted and then took a breath, bringing their hands to her lips. “I'm fine. It's the weekend, we're going to look after you. You've spent so long looking after everyone else, you don't know how to take care of yourself. C'mon, let's get out of the greenhouse and go to bed.”

As she brought him to his feet, Steven realised how right Connie was. Without other people's problems, Steven only had his own, and he couldn't cope with that. His legacy, his history, his Mom, it was defining him in a way that sat wrong and made him feel awful. Every moment you love yourself, that's me, loving you. Well he didn't, right now hated himself, what he felt like he was becoming, what he felt like he was lacking. He had two worlds and he didn't fit in either of them; everyone changed despite him. What was he going to do?

Connie led him by the hand slowly, taking their time as they took the wooden boardwalk back round the house. Seagulls had already begun to rise, cawing out into the cove as the inky night began to give way to a new dawn. As they entered Steven's room, Lion was lying at the base of the bed pretending to be asleep. He gave Steven and Connie a delighted chirp as he bed down, pink tail waggling in demure happiness. Steven noted mentally that he'd drive out to the supermarket to get Lion some ice-cream later as a thank you. Connie sorted out the covers and led him by the hand into his side of the bed while she settled next to him on the other.

“Connie...” Steven trailed off, looking at her as she pulled the covers over them. She hummed in response, once again taking one of his hands in hers. “Thanks, for coming over. I've missed you too. “

She gave him a smile, and if he was feeling himself it would have left him weak at the knees. Now, broken and confused, it made him feel safe and loved. “I'll be here whenever I can Steven, although next time, maybe give me a call first?” He nodded, yeah, that was fair. Lion huffed over the edge of the bed, he thought he'd been helpful. Wasn't his fault Lion's couldn't use phones. “Sorry, Lion you were great,” she said with a coo. “And let's not tell my Mom I stayed in your bed, again.”

“I should maybe get you your own bed,” he thought out loud. “Don't want Dr.Maheswaren to get annoyed.”

Connie wriggled over, planted a kiss on his brow with the lightest of touches and laughed. “Steven, that's sweet but I'm perfectly happy here, with you. Besides, what my Mom doesn't know won't hurt her. Now get some rest, we'll talk more tomorrow.”

His head felt warm and fuzzy, it did every time she kissed him, he couldn't help but crack a smile. He suddenly felt overcome with fatigue, between Connie next to him and Lion at his feet, Steven had felt more comfortable than he had in weeks. This might not fix his problems, but with Connie's support, he could get the ball rolling, apologise to the gems – and his Dad for starters. He had a lot to apologise for.

“Connie,” Steven said with a yawn. “Thanks for being the jam to my biscuit.”

“Thanks for being the biscuit to my jam, Steven,” she said with a sleepy smile as he squeezed her hand.

Lion yawned, his mouth opening wide, tongue curling inside his maw.

“Goodnight Lion!” They both said in unison and drifted off into an easy sleep.

#steven universe #suf #steven universe future #fanfic for fanart #steven universe fan fic #connverse #connie mahaswaren #lion #pink steven #post prickly pair #angst with fluff

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