#AND THE MEDS STILL HAVEN'T BEEN SENT OUT. please. i just want my fucking meds...................
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i just want my meds pleas....
#i had to change a prescription bc what i was taking stopped working. and now i've been entirely OFF of those meds for awhile now bc i#entirely ran out bc the hospital can't get their shit together....#they won't mail me my meds until the ones at the pharmacy back home (which i am a 2.5hr car ride away from) get put back#and my stepmom called them and said she fixed it but now the app's status on them just looks even weirder#AND THE MEDS STILL HAVEN'T BEEN SENT OUT. please. i just want my fucking meds...................#i can't actually get boy juice bc my dad refuses to deal w/ the medical cost so this is the next best thing. pleas.....................#i can only ignore the blood for so long................
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Bringing this back for part 6. I haven't been writing lately and just needed something fun and easy to do to bring me back into it. Enjoy.
Jill: Birthday dinner for John tonight at 7. Don’t be late.
Lawrence: Do I need to bring anything?
Jill: If you want to bring a side or a dessert. Oh and some plates.
Lawrence: Sure thing. Do you have a preference of what dish it is or brand of plate?
Amanda: aren’t all paper plates the same?
Mark: No, apparently some are stronger and some are thinner.
*Adam Standheight sent a photo*
Jill: Adam, I normally don’t ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to, but what the fuck?
Amanda: MY EYES!!!!!
Mark: Could’ve gone my whole life without seeing that.
William: It looks broken?
Logan: How did you break it?
John: Have you been to the doctor?
Adam: SORRY!!!!! WRONG MESSAGE THREAD!!!!!
Adam: It was meant for Larry only. I wanted his professional opinion on if I should go to the doctor.
Lawrence: Adam, you have a compound fracture in your forearm. How are you not at the hospital yet?
Adam: Because I am stuck.
Mark: Where? I’ll come get you.
Adam: Funny story. I stopped a robbery. Two big dudes were trying to rob a lady of her purse. I took pictures. They saw me and chased me. They left the lady alone.
Amanda: And they beat the shit out of you?
William: Did they do this to you?
Adam: No. They never got the chance because I ran fast. I made it to the rich people lake houses and went to jump over a canoe.
Jill: Did the canoe somehow break your arm?
Adam: Technically yeah. My foot clipped it and I landed weird on my arm. I rolled down the bank a little and I’m now caught in a net of some sort. I panicked and now I’m just here.
John: Do you know where you are?
Adam: In a net. I feel like a fish. Or a butterfly.
Adam: Oh shit. I hear voices.
Adam: It’s the homeowners!
Lawrence: Adam?
Mark: Adam?
John: Are you okay?
Amanda: What if they killed him?
Logan: I’m sure he’s fine. The homeowners are probably shocked.
William: Mark, you’re a detective. Detect where Adam is.
Adam: I still live. The homeowners helped me out of the net and gave me ice. They called an ambulance for me so now I’m waiting outside on the front porch.
John: Are you okay?
Adam: My arm is throbbing.
Lawrence: Naturally with a compound fracture. Any other injuries?
Adam: None that I can feel right now. My body has pretty much gone numb except my arm.
Lawrence: Try no to move your arm anymore. I’ll meet you at the hospital.
John: Me too.
Jill: Lawrence, what do we need to do to make Adam a bit more comfortable when he gets home?
Lawrence: Make sure he has something to prop his arm on, we’re going to need ice, some cloths to put between the ice and his cast, over the counter pain medicine.
Lawrence: Adam, did you break your dominant hand?
Adam: Whatever the left one is.
Lawrence: You’re right handed so you’re good.
Lawrence: If anyone has a small stress ball, kind of like the ones you use when you give blood, he’ll need one.
Adam: What is all of this for?
Lawrence: You. You’ll need to prop and ice your arm to try to prevent any more swelling, the pain meds is to make sure you don’t get too dependent on the heavy stuff the hospital will more than likely prescribe, and the stress ball is to keep your hand moving.
Adam: Hey Chris and Pam’s daughter just came home. It’s the girl I helped.
Adam: Her name is Claire.
Adam: She hugged me.
Adam: We’re all hanging on the porch. I hear sirens.
John: I’ll meet you at the hospital.
Lawrence: I’m out front, John. You can ride with me.
Adam: I feel bad. What about John’s birthday dinner?
John: We’ll postpone it. You’re more important.
Jill: I’ll order us some pizza. Extra cheese, Adam?
Adam: Yes please.
Amanda: I call dibs on signing your cast first.
#saw franchise#saw 2004#leigh whannell#adam stanheight#mark hoffman#lawrence gordon#john kramer#saw fanfic#amanda young#adam writes#william emmerson#logan nelson#jill tuck
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okay, this is an important heads up people who sent in orders for shirts!!! i know that was so so long ago (... april?).
i. have been writhing in pain.
so as many of you know i ended up going to college this year! i didn't think this was going to be able to happen, and i am happy that it did. i wanted it really badly. BUT
it threw a wrench in my t-shirt making plan, and i didn't realize it would. (because of money reasons) i took a train home, and they only allowed me to bring two bags worth of personal items on the train. this means i had just enough space for my clothing, my computer, and a handful of other essentials.
this also means i don't have about half of my paints with me. but when i realized this, i was prepared to just do as much as i could anyway and message the specific people affected.
then i noticed something about my current situation, which is: i still don't have a job/any source of income. this is another thing that college affected, bc obviously college is very expensive and requires expensive additions like books, etc. also my chronic pain has literally just not stopped getting worse and i'm having to replace my beloved flip phone with a smart phone (i noticed that actually it's very difficult to use flip phone buttons when my fingers are in pain and stiff and it tends to make them worse). unfortunately this project also requires money because this is a cruel cruel world and capitalism hates love. well, i guess capitalism hates me trying to produce something without the expectation of personal gain of capital. that's sort of the deal.
because of all this, i'm going to have to adjust my expectations about when i can get these shirts done, and i hope that i can convince you all to join me in doing so.
my new expectation is that i can get these done over the summer of 2023. think june/july.
because i want to make sure everyone who needs to see this but i don't want to give out the urls of the people who ordered, if you ordered a shirt from me in april 2022 please dm me with a message that you've seen this post! if you don't i'll dm you and ask, and then send a link to this if you haven't.
it's so funny to me, and by funny i mean it makes me really fucking angry, that all of the problems i'm having getting these shirts done come down to me being unemployed and currently living below the poverty line. it's all about money. i suspect that i also have undiagnosed adhd, but i haven't been able to see a competent and kind psych bc it's hard to access those where i live, and it requires more money because of that. if i could see one, and then be able to afford whatever meds they'd put me on, this project would be so much easier because i'd have the drugs thta make my brain able to organize and move through things step by step instead of floundering out here and never being able to remember shit and so on and so forth. and i took the train because it was cheaper than my other options, and i need to save money as much as i can because college is expensive. and i have to be concerned about college being expensive because i'm fucking poor and it's taken me a lot to get here.
anyway. all of this is to say acab eat the rich i hate capitalism support a living universal wage.
well, if you read through all this, thank you! if the world gets really cool about me being how i am really quick y'all might get these shirts sooner but don't bet on it.
#not a first line#personal#but i need my shirt orderers to see this so i'm tagging it#tmg#the mountain goats#john darnielle
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Heyy~ it's me! Your Hee Anonie !
Also yes Hapoy Belated Hee Day! This angst is my gift ?? Idk 🫠
P-2 !
You were going to break up with him. Yes. It was going to hurt like fuck but it's for the better. You don't deserve to be treated this way. Tight schedules are one thing but this is too much. It's getting to his head.
How dare he yell at you as if you are the one in wrong. Honestly a part of you really felt bad and cried the entire night over the fact he was throwing away your food. But it's not about the food now. It's about him lying to you. To the members about you. And knocking off your sincerity just like that.
You have called him about 7 times now. It's been 3 hours since the last call. Honestly you have given up now. It's been a terrible day. The work was long, it started raining and obviously you didn't have an umbrella, you come back home to no replies from your beloved boyfriend. That night you wake up with a fever.
You text Hee. Asking if he could come over. He replies with "I'm busy". Oh, so he isn't gonna talk about the previous 15 messages and 7 missed calls ?? Fine then. Fever or not. You weren't gonna ask help from someone who isn't interested. Thankfully you atleast had good friends who respond and help you in the time of need.
It's been two days since then. You haven't texted him. He hasn't obviously sent anything your way. You didn't want to do this. Looks like you weren't getting much choice.
You were gonna break things off over a text message. A new low for you but he was the one not cooperating. Should've gotten hints with "I have something important to talk" "I want to talk about us" etc.
You sent him the message. He reads it and calls you. So now he is interested in communication? Oh wow. scoffing you pick up the call. He doesn't even give you a chance and goes on
"Babe please don't do this-"
You don't need or want to hear his bullshit so you tell him to keep it to himself, how he threw away your sincerity and how unwell you were 2 days ago. Coughing, throwing up and going out in fever to buy your meds. Thankfully your friends were there to help you through it. Honestly you were just gonna cut the call. Already having a headache from a 3 minute conversation. It's what he says next that actually makes you stop.
"I have been sick for a week now. I have been under a lot of pressure. I didn't want to put pressure on you, that's why I have been distant. I really love you y/n"
It sounds so stupid but somehow you feel super bad now. He was sick too. He didn't have you either when he was unwell. This doesn't fix any of his behaviour. But just hearing him. His sweet voice. Communicating. Telling you how he has been makes you rethink everything.
He says he can't come over now because he is still sick and doctors have advised him bed rest. That night, you and him talk peacefully (for the first time in months for 30 mins)
Although you felt very guilty you also felt that maybe you two could fix this after all ......
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Ok SO I KNOW NOT THE DIRECTION WE ALL WERE HOPING FOR BUT WAIT FOR IT OK OK ???
ALSO ILYSM AND ily talking to you!!! Also I am soo happy you like my soft/angst hours or just communicating with me !!! (Hee take notes) I love sending you asks and just can't help myself when they get tooooo long !!
Also yes Gyu the pretty boy with the best humour, sensitivity, and visuals. He is gonna make y/n happy....or is he 🤨🤨 dkdjdjWAIT FOR IT 🤌
Ik this is vv long but still one last thing-
Pls your tmi are so imp and cute and msndkd that I have to address them ALL in full detail in another message itself. So firstly I really hope you enjoy your vacation because I know for a fact that Med School is not at all easy and you totally need a huge long vacation to enjoy yourself because you are not going to be able to get a breather or as much time as one would like to chill when it all starts. And I want our asks to be something you look fondly back at when you are busy in med school soo I am gonna try and send the best asks hehehe !!!
Also gyu the pretty savior!! We stan 🙌
Hello and welcome back again my lady 🥺🫶🏻 you know when I saw this ask it was 1:30 am last night and I remember the last thing I saw before dozing off was your ask, I locked my screen like that and fell asleep the next second. And then right when I woke up today morning, I came to check this ask again so I went to sleep and woke up with your ask. How lovable!🥹🤍
Wow omg where is the story going!😭 this is so unpredictable (which just makes it sm more interesting) poor y/n.. she’s going through so much. HEE IS BEING SO MANIPULATIVE OMG he treats her like trash and now that..she wants to set herself free and move on he’s being so convincing and toxic to tie her down? Istg if I were in y/n’s place I’d also melt and be convinced If he used the sickness card on me and started being nice again…but I want to tell y/n to REMEMBER ALL THE OTHER TIMES he treated her like trash and OUTRIGHT DISRESPECTED HER? Huh? That’s when he WASN’T sick which obviously shows he doesn’t care about her. And PLEASE, I need gyu good role 🫶🏻☹️ I’m so rooting for gyu x y/n moments because I’m on gyu’s team !!💖😤 y/n deserves a guy who can treat her right and fix all her broken with love and support. I’m so eager to see where the story is headed, this is SO interesting to me ngl! What a brain you’ve got- just WOW! *~*
-now coming to you again <3
• omg aww I never thought you’d actually find my useless tmis cute >.< I just like talking to you sm I always feel like I should add sth in my ask to keep the conversation going!
• DID YOU JUST SEE WHAT RELEASED enhypen manifesto tour in ASIA?😭 they’re going to Bangkok NOW IM HOPEFUL SOMEDAY THEY WILL COME TO MALAYSIA TOO. (That is where I’ll be moving for uni so I just hope they come at the right time when I’ll be able to see them. I will cry my eyes out if I ever miss that opportunity)
• I really wanna see my enhypen irl and most of all there’s sth I want to give Jake although I’m not really sure if I can ever give it to him..but.. there’s a scrapbook I’ve been making for Jake.It’s a life goal at this point to give it to him cause I just want him to know how much I love him and he means to me. That’s more than enough for me. :’) <3
• I do not intend to come off as nagging, but did you read the fic I suggested? 😭 I’m just so curious to hear YOUR OPINION cause it’s angsty too bdhdhsie ik you’re so BUSY SO check it only if you’re free!
• also I know I might not be able to be as active when my life continues again, that is why I’m writing and posting as much as I can now. This blog is like a museum for me- a museum filled with my precious feelings of fangirling and happiness that was gifted to me by enhypen. I want it to be a place where I can look back and reminisce about my magical time and capture my memories as memories are the most precious thing I believe!
• but ofc I wouldn’t want to stop talking to you I know SO I WILL check and hope that we get to exchange one ask atleast once a week. 🥺 I hope we just become closer and closer and have more fun times together 💓
•take care and love you so much more 💛
[ Here is heesun cute heart for you to give you a mood boost! <3 *kissy* 💋 ]
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If you are led back here from your curiosity please read.
Firstly Im kinda the same. Periods of stability, periods of instability. 5 years sober and 9 years therapy, 4 years steady meds. As regards to you I keep thinking I've gotten closure and then it just rears back up. Somewhat triggered by events in my current life. I keep thinking its the end of it but it just never is.
I deeply regret the messages I sent you. And the things I did. They say all is fair in love and war. I'm not sure about that but I think I brought war into love and im deeply ashamed of my actions. I have a visceral reaction when I think about how you must have felt when you received the messages from me. I hadn't corresponded in so long and you weren't a huge topic on the mind for me at the time but I guess the brain can do funny things with memories and triggers, displacement etc. No excuses for my terrible behavior though, I made choices that I am hoping to never repeat again in any fashion. I am being bent in ways I haven't been before and things are starting to burst out like this situation and post. But im going to fucking do it, im going to find the support i need and I'm going to leave you the fuck alone. I promise you I mean you no harm, you are still that beautiful person I met on the dance floor more than a decade ago. I hope you are leading a full adult life with love and fun and fullfillment.
I also wanted to apologize for my part in our after breakup nonsense. i was hurt and confused and lost my marbles. Im sorry for all the weird things i did and said to you. I could name them but maybe you don't know them all and i for sure don't remember most of my drunk ramblings, so ill just leave it at that.
I really am not trying to leave this as omg ty im so sorry take me back you are amazing and beautiful all the time etc. nor am i trying to leave it as omg ty fucked me over and broke my heart, treated me bad, etc. I really just want to leave it. just leave it. and leave all my unanswered questions alone. just leave it. Remember the beginning, fantisize the potential story, and irl thrive without. Maybe we'll get another shot in another life.
When the order is up I do not plan on reaching out. I am so sorry for it existing and I am not trying to make it worse or startle you or disrupt your life or emotional state. Sorry Sorry Sorry
I have so much to say but I really did mean to be succinct.so..idk. imma leave it for now (but fyi this was edited down)
Anyway if you had read this far the purpose for writing at all is if theres any chance you would see this you will see my apology and know how sorry i am from one human to another what i did to you, and that you aren't going to be bothered like that again. The whole thing is still a work in progress but I can promise you that much. I wont apologize for who i am or what ive done in the world to survive but this truly is my deepest regret. No one deserves that. So i am sorry. I can't directly say this to you but this post now exists in the universe for fate to bring you to if its the right thing.
Grem
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Today was a long day at work. My back is just...ruining my life at this point. I thought it got better after I stopped taking the new meds but no go. I cannot even explain how much agony I am in when I wake up in the morning. I cannot even sit up. I have to kinda roll over, swing my legs in hopes I can roll to the edge of the bed. I am worried I've actually slipped a disk or something. My GP has not called me back despite my calling them three times. Tomorrow I'm gonna get nasty on the phone and demand they send me a referral for an MRI because I think I need to explore getting some cortisone shots in my back or something. Or give me the referral I asked for PT. I cannot live like this.
My evening was improved by my brother sending over the cutest video from my six year old niece asking me which MLP was my favorite. So I sent her a reply back with my bright purple/pink hair clearly visible telling her I had not seen the new MLP and we'd have to watch it when she's here next month. Which....on one hand god help me, did I just sign up to watch MLP? But on the other, quality time with my niece so I'll take it.
Now, I find myself at an impasse. I could write, I'm in the middle of writing a very fun scene with lots of verbal sparring with Walon Vau. But I also kinda want to read but my reading history is in A B S O L U T E shambles.
I've been reading a lot of Grashir the past few days but I have a couple of D&D HAT fics written by some authors who I adore like Weatherlaw who have been posting WIP's I just haven't had a chance to read yet. On top of that I have like three or four COD fics I stopped midway through because of ADD. And now I'm teetering on the edge of falling down a FR rabbit hole. Cause there's new fics in the Notorious verse which I have not read.
I also kinda lowkey want to see one angsty Jarlaxle/Zak fic where they realize maybe two centuries of separation has changed Jarlaxle and he's not the person Zak used to know and maybe they're not suited to be lovers anymore and should they maybe start as friends. Meanwhile Artemis is totally not lowkey freaking out about this super important figure in Jarlaxle's past who has shown up out of nowhere and is potentially going to upset the delicate balance of their relationship.
BUT I HAVE NOT FOUND THIS FIC SO FAR AND I AM SAD.
Not because I want to see some divisive this pairing is superior to the other so much as people change and it gives you this bittersweet realization that when you see someone you haven't seen in a decade or two and you realize despite being best of friends or maybe something else in the past, you've both changed and you need to examine your relationship and come to terms with the ghosts of that previous relationship and whether you need to redefine it and give it a new meaning.
So any enterprising fic writer out there in the FR fandom, please take my bunny and give it a good home. I don't have the time or attention span for it. Or the brain power to read the most recent books. I still have the entire Generations trilogy sitting on my kindle which I haven't read so for all I know that's been addressed in some way, shape or form.
I thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink I'm going to be good and write. I'm getting closer and closer to finishing Seeds.
I think I might actually do something super special when I finish this fucking fanfic because yanno what? I will have written essentially two full length novels or one god damned GRRM/Robert Jordan length novel by the time I finish this damned fanfic.
#el writes#el reads#so many fanfic#the adhd is real right now#fanfic bunny adoption#forgotten realms#jarlaxle x artemis#jarlaxle x zaknafein
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Tw gr**ming, s*icide mentions, ab*sive friendships, manipulative behavior
I was gr**med by @jazzthesapphicqueen part 1 (this will be in parts because I am very exhausted and emotionally damaged by all of this and I have been friends with her for a whole year so there's a lot to process)
I used to be enbynoizkinnie and have deleted my blog multiple times and that ties into this, I met Jazz soon after I was gr**med by helios because she was already one of my moots, we first became friends because she asked for the full picture of a ns/fw drawing I did in dms and I gave it to her (she clarified that she was 17 at the time so I thought it was okay to he her friend, which oh yeah btw she like just turned 18 in december btw so funfact ig). We later moved to discord because I wanted to get to know her better and be her friend and already she was very guiltrippy towards me or very self loathing and whenever I had offered help or comfort she never really denied it but never said she wanted it and when she just kept saying how she "didn't deserve it", I am saying this to give an example of what kind of person she is because she'd constantly say that and make situations where I was hurt about her. There are multiple periods in the span I've been friends with her where I have almost k*lled myself because how ab*sive she was towards me (thus why I have deleted my account so many times, I just wanted to be forgotten) and for a time she had brought out the absolute worst in me and for awhile made me as bad as her, I am not a saint with how I was with her but I wasn't anywhere near as bad as her. I will admit her behaviors had heavily influenced mine and for awhile I couldn't stop traumadumping, guiltripping, and being codependent on her. Thing is I have brought myself out of that cycle myself and I've realized how fucking awful she was to me. Now onto the gr**ming, this is out of order but the most recently she has sent me porn and turned conversations s*xual and hinted at/coerced me into drawing p*rn for her. I haven't said my actual age publicly before in this fandom because I knew i would've gotten booed off but I started my account(enbynoizkinnie) at 14, I was 15 when Jazz did all this and now I am 16. So just for reference here, she is 17 almost turning 18 and im still 15
I need to make another post rq because I have more screenshots, these are all the ones I have right now and please be patient with me I still am having to process this and even now there are things I don't want to process. Also she was fully aware of my age and didn't really care.
I'll be reposting this with more images of her being vulgar/predatory at me and being aware of my age. And coercing me for free p*rn art and even sending me p*rn
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『 لąҽհվմղ / ᎠҽӀմʂìօղ 』
warnings: mental illness implied, hallucinations, meds, aggressive jaehyun, implied sexual relations.
taglist: @nakamotocore @jisooapproved @la-ra-rumi @winwiniee @yijiujiujiu @nctlovesme
loveholic masterlist.
Lies.
That's what Jaehyun hated the most in the world, lies.
He hated the way you'd smile at him during class, only to pretend he wasn't even there as soon as you exited the room. It wasn't fair. He wanted to confront you, wanted to ask for an explanation for your uninterested attitude, but anytime he'd try, words got stuck in his throat, choking him uncomfortably.
Jaehyun wasn't sure when his interest in you began growing. He was never one to have secret crushes, so then, why you? What made you special enough for him to like you?
The answer came one lucky day when the professor paired you up together for a project. While people usually whined when being put in the same team with someone other than their friends, you seemed all but annoyed, smiling with your white, pearly teeth and waving at him as if he were your very best friend.
“Guess you’re stuck with me.” It was his first time speaking to you, beads of sweat collecting on his upper lip. “Jaehyun, right?”
He hated small talk almost as much as lies. Almost. But when it came to you, he could do it all day long if it meant listening to your delightful voice. All of his pent-up frustrations scattered as you started planning your schedule to work on the project. He’d only hum in approval, still too shy to speak to you.
“So tomorrow's okay with you?” Your head was tilted to the side, the tender skin of your neck looking awfully tempting. He pictured himself kissing it, having you struggle under his weight while he kissed it for hours on end. “Jae?” He was pulled out of the scenario his mind was working through by a gentle hand on his wrist.
There were no mirrors nearby, but the tips of his ears were surely tinted red by now. But most importantly, his pants were becoming uncomfortably tight in his crotch area. A touch from you was all his body needed to go insane.
“Sure.” You smiled, removing your hand from its previous spot. His skin itched for more contact, but he was too shy to initiate anything. “I need to go to the restroom.”
He rushed out of the classroom with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, pushing the fabric forward to conceal his growing boner. He relieved himself inside the small cubicle, his own heavy breathing muffled under the sound of a couple doing less than appropriate things inside the following stall. Would that be you and him one day? Probably, but not quite yet.
Your kindness had no limits. That's what Jaehyun thought when you sat down to have lunch with him, the guy who no one ever liked enough to hang out with.
“Why?” He asked on the second occasion you sit with him.
“Because I like you.”
You started hanging out more often not long after that. Even after you handed in your work, you were keen on staying by his side, and he had nothing to complain about. It was as if the universe was finally smiling at him, all the times you'd ignored him after class now long forgotten. He was happier, brighter than usual. He told his roommate, the closest friend he had, about you. He was happy for Jaehyun, of course, but a feeling in his gut told him something was off.
The night before your spring break started, you invited him to a frat party. He’d never been to one, he didn't like them. But you were so insisting that he had no other choice but to oblige. The entire house smelled like sweat, alcohol, and drugs, disgusting, he thought. However, it was all worth it when he finally got to see you, tucked inside a tight dress that showed the figure you'd so thoroughly hide in baggy shirts. He approached you, wanting to greet you, but one of your friends dragged you away. He didn't mind it, the night was still young and he'd have plenty of time to be with you.
Not even five minutes later, you reappeared by his side, giving him one of your signature eye smiles.
“Having fun, pretty boy?” A light blush crept up his face, settling at the tip of his ears. “Let’s dance.”
His hands were firmly gripping your hips as you rubbed your body on his, causing a more than an obvious problem in his pants. Before his brain could register the current events happening, your lips were on his. It all felt too sudden, yet, he enjoyed the way you'd nip at his lower lip. It sent him to frenzy.
“I’m so wet, Jae.” You mumbled seductively against his fleshy pillows. “Want you to make me feel good.”
You dragged him to the closest room, increasing under his adoring gaze. You were so beautiful, and all his. The promise of your union was sealed that night, as you fell asleep between his arms after three intense rounds of pure bliss.
“Jaehyun?” He felt someone shaking his shoulder, it was a male voice. His arms instinctively closed tighter around your naked body to hide it from whoever was calling him, only to realize it wasn't you who was between them, but a mere pillow. “Dude, get up.” It was his roommate Johnny, picking him up after he got a call from one of the frat members. “You got so wasted yesterday, let's go, I'll take you for food.”
Wasted? He hadn't drunk anything the previous night. Nonetheless, he left the house after dressing up. He tried calling you as they waited for their waffles to no avail.
“Jaehyun, I saw your pills today in the trash bin. Have you stopped taking them?” Johnny seemed truly concerned.
“I’m better now, John. For real.” The sincerity in his words put his roommate’s heart at ease. “I found someone, I like her a lot and it seems like she does as well.”
“Dude, that's awesome. We should hang out soon, I'll invite my girlfriend.” A double date, it felt like you and Jaehyun were finally official. But the question remained, why had you left the house early in the morning?
“Sure.”
Because you wouldn't pick up any of his calls, he had to wait until Monday to confront you. During breakfast, Johnny had crushed some of his pills and sneaked them into his eggs, you can never be too safe, he thought. And, oh boy was he right.
You were picking up your belongings from your locker, getting ready to go back home during the break.
“Hey.” He leaned against the closest wall, flashing you a dimpled smile.
“Oh, hey...Jay, right?” Was that a joke?
“Sure, whatever you want. So, my roommate wants to meet you, just let me know whenever you have time and I'll tell him. By the way...” He leaned in, lips brushing against the shell of your ears. Some curious eyes were looking at you, eager to know what was happening. “I really enjoyed that night, but it would've been better if I'd woken up with you between my arms.”
“Excuse me?” You backed away abruptly, escaping his proximity. “I think you're taking me for someone else.”
“What do you mean?”
Realization hit him like a truck. You were ignoring him yet again, but he wasn't gonna take it this time. He hated lies.
“Come with me.” He gripped your forearm, easily dragging you all the way to the janitor's closet. “You don't get to play dumb with me anymore. Stop fucking lying.” You looked like a scared little mouse about to be eaten by a cat.
“I-I’m sorry, but I'm not lying, the only time I've spoken to you was when we worked together. We haven't been in touch ever since.” Even in a situation like this, you still pretended to be kind.
“Lies.” His hands closed against your neck, slightly choking you. “I don't like them, so you better be good and tell me the truth before I do something we'll both regret.” Your eyes welled with tears as you begged for your life, his grip getting tighter with every second. “Come on, angel.”
“I’m sorry, I'm a liar!” Your air supply was running short and your only option was to say what he wanted to hear, even if it was just a lie. “Please!”
“That’s a good doll.” He let go of your bruised neck, letting you fall on your knees as you coughed. “Now, you better stop lying for your own good, are we clear?”
“Yes!” You choked out, unsure of what was happening at the moment.
“I’ll call you later, have your phone by your side.”
You had walked into a trap without even knowing it.
#nct au#nct imagines#nct ot21#nct smut#nct x reader#nct#nct 127#nct scenarios#nct angst#nct jaehyun#nct yandere
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Hiatus
This is a re-post of what I've sent to my patrons, but I'm posting here for further reach.
My sincerest apologies for the lack of contact, and before I get into the woes of life:
I paused billing for April at the end of March, and I've just paused billing for May - this means that you haven't been, and won't be, charged for those months.
If you're new to signing up, you will be charged up front, or if you've cancelled and want to re-subscribe, there will be a new charge.
If things are left as is, you will retain access to all the works on patreon at no current cost. I will not unpause billing until I have a 2 week assurance of content and stability to give you all.
Onto the nitty gritty - and please take care of yourself - I won't go into vivid detail, but there will be mentions of abuse and major stress in the following paragraphs.
Even so… idk that I really want to talk much about it. The fact that I'm actually referring to it as abuse still feels mind boggling, and I feel like people will accuse me of lying or. Idek.
I've been fairly open about taking care of my sibling (she's 10 years younger than me, but we're both adults), and that it's been a struggle with her meds and care. Things got so much worse. Verbal abuse has been the worst of it, but it got physical too, and like. Fuck, man. Really idk if that last sentence even is true, reading it back, because it doesn't matter what there was more of, it all still happened and I still feel sick over it.
I've lost 35 lbs over the past two+ months, and heck. I feel like I really only want simple things, you know? To take care of my loved ones, to have basic necessities, to do things I enjoy like drawing or writing without.. the stress of all the other stuff.
Anyway. I'm emotionally a mess, lol. Her psychiatrist actually believes me now, and she's being treated properly and it's hard to keep up hope, but the last week on new meds has me very cautiously optimistic that I might be able to do literally anything for myself.
(Meds are not the only endeavor we are using for care, and please believe that I'm not assuming they will "fix" anything - I sure as heck can't forget - and I have other fam members telling me not to forgive and it's all just messed up, you know? I love her and she needs help, and I'm not happy that I've suffered in getting her there, but I can't just give up? Maybe I'm being stupid. Idk.)
If you've already canceled your pledge, please know I am so thankful you were here in the first place. I hope you enjoyed my works while you were here, and I wish you all the best! If you ever come back, know that I always feel a little burst of !?! 🥰 every time I see someone return.
For those here on tumblr:
While I'm going to try and pop in a bit more frequently, I can't make any solid promises. I'm so tired. That's really all I can say. I want to go back to having.. to just having fun, and even that feels just out of reach.
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tw depressive thoughts, suicidal ideation, conversoin therapy mention, homophobia, death, anxiety, panic attacks, overdose
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hey thor, if you could please tag this with those and more that you see fit, i wouldn't want to trigger anyone, thank you.
but i've been struggling the past year with a lot. i'm bisexual, and my parents are extremely homophobic and i dont doubt that they would send me to conversation therapy if given the chance. my papa, the only person i truly ever think loved me, passed away four days before my birthday in september. my anxiety attacks have worsened so much that i get them when i get below a 85 on an assignment. i have to take care of my two little brothers almost entirely by myself. my mother couldn't give a shit about me and i haven't seen my dad since he found out my mom was pregnant with another mans baby. that was two months ago.
i'm only 15, but i dont wanna be here anymore. the only reason i haven't done anything yet is because of my little brothers. they're the only thing keeping me here. i hate myself. i'm the spitting image of my mother and i cant stand to look myself in the mirror. all i see is her screaming at me, telling me i'm worthless and i don't deserve to be here in anymore. i held a bottle of the strongest medicine in the cabinet this morning, and i was so close to locking the door and taking them. i don't know why i sent this in, but i feel like i've talked so much to my mutuals on here and at this point i'm boring them, like they dont care anymore.
im going back to my therapist in a couple weeks, and i have a feeling i'll be put back on my meds. i just want this feeling to go away. i dont want to feel like this anymore. i want to be there for my little brothers and my soon-to-be little sister. i want them to see me as their strong older sister, not the girl who cant go three hours without crying.
i want to get better, but i don't know how to do that thor.
hi there, honey. i’m so so beyond sorry that you feel like this. please know that you deserve so much better. you deserve loving, accepting parents. you deserve a happy life. you deserve to feel good. i’m also gonna take this one point at a time, and give advice on each, because i think that way i’ll be able to give the most in-depth help.
it’s hard to deal with homophobic parents. it really is. but you don’t owe them your sexuality. you never have to tell them, especially if your safety is threatened. i know how hard it is to be closeted and to know that your parents won’t & don’t support you. but there is so much more than your parents. you will meet so many people who love, accept and support you for who you are, no matter what. i’m a huge believer in found family, and i believe that you can find your family. know that you’re not wrong. your feelings aren’t wrong. you will never be perverted or bad or gross for being bisexual. it’s so much more than okay to be bi. your sexuality is beautiful.
your mother is wrong. so so wrong. you’re worth so much. you’re a living, breathing person. that alone gives you so much inherent worth. nothing and nobody, including your mom, can ever take that away from you. there’s nothing that you or anyone else can do that will ever make you worthless and anything less than a person who deserves the best that life has to offer. you may look like your mother, but that doesn’t make you like her. from this ask alone, i can tell that you’re a loving, caring and strong individual. your mom seems the opposite.
you do deserve to be here. so so much. you deserve so much more than you believe right now. i’m so sorry that anyone has ever made you feel otherwise, and even more sorry that you think that suicide is the only way out. i know that these words are easy to say, but they’re true. i’m not much older than you (almost seventeen) and i’ve tried to kill myself several times, more times than i want to think about. i never thought that i was worth anything, that i deserved to be here. i hated myself beyond belief and i saw so much of my past self in your words. i’m by no means recovered, and i do still want to die some of the time. but i know that i have worth, and that i deserve to be here. i know that i’m not a bad person, and that i’m loved. my point here is that there is a future beyond this. it’s only in the last eight or so months that i’ve begun to feel like this. hell, i planned a suicide attempt back in march. recovery is possible for you. please believe me when i say this. it will take time, and effort, and it’s going to be hard. but you’re worth it. you owe it to yourself - your eight year old self, your thirty year old self, and your seventy year old self - to give life a chance.
that’s good !! that’s beyond good. i’m proud of you for that. please talk to your therapist & be honest with how you’ve been feeling. your meds will almost definitely help with this, and you’ll start to feel better soon. if they don’t work well for you, you can ask your therapist if you can switch them. opening up to your therapist, though, will absolutely be the best step in feeling okay again.
you’re so strong. so so fucking strong. you’re dealing with all of this, and you’re still here. that’s amazing. you want to get better, and you’re trying to make that happen. i’m sure your brothers (+ future sister) treasure you and know just how strong you are. please know that i’m so proud of you. it takes so much strength to know that you want to recover, and to reach out like this, to talk about your feelings at all. you’re so loved and you’re worth so much. please come talk to me (via asks or messages. if you prefer other social media, i can give you my instagram) if you ever need anything at all. best of luck <3
#ask#cicicantblog#thor gives advice#recovery#tw suicide#tw homophobia#tw conversion therapy#tw anixety#tw overdose#ask to tag
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First of all I don't hate you either. These posts are coming from a place of love. True love deeper and longer lasting than any romance book could portray. I love you more than you let me show you or that you would accept when I tried showing you anyways. I thought you stopped loving me months ago. But really, you stopped loving yourself and couldn't see how much I truly do love you either. Seeing you depressed only made me more depressed and vice versa. It sucks.. I couldn't show my love after trying so hard and getting rejected just trying to even have my arm around you; I'd get rejected day after day. - I would take you back someday. But you have to learn to love yourself again, first. And not just chase for someone else's love (fake or not), running from your own love for yourself. Our own depressions had been feeding each other's. And we should have went in to get help sooner, but we didn't know any better... After the first Covid shot I felt even worse and my daily migraines have been even more powerful for me I wanted to escape my own body and mind.. not you. It's been absolutely terrifying losing myself during this pandemic... So dark and cold inside my own mind. I didn't know how to get help (The Nice app just told me they didn't have the meds they thought I needed and I felt worthless ever since last June when I tried to get help)
Only you can get help for yourself, if you want relief from your struggles, but I can try to help that process if you would like a little guidance. I love you, but I can't force you to love yourself. You have to want it yourself, for yourself. - I was paralyzed by my own depression and rejection. I got tired of trying to be good enough for you and still being told to go in the other room every day. Yet, somehow I still love you more than anything on this Earth. I'm trying to learn to love myself again. - I was depressed. Hating myself. And then you went and left me for it.. and now all I feel is emptiness inside without you by my side. If you only knew the guilt I've been feeling inside, unable to let out for leaving RTI; when you promised me everything was going to be okay... I know you only left me because of my depression and the lack of love you were feeling yourself, you wanted someone who seemed happy and to feed off their energy. I don't hate you for doing that. But I still never stopped loving you even though I couldn't love myself and it hurts to feel given up on.. twice now due to my depression. I haven't been able to think straight ever since my panic attacks started at RTI and that mixed with depression and made every day agony. Not your fault, you can't feel what's inside of me. I'm seeing a doctor and getting help soon. I want to fix things. I'd compromise anything with you, honestly. I still have gift cards for Sugar Factory saved.. but I am so heartbroken that had to sell the engagement ring I bought you, just to pay for a down payment now for a place to move to.
Listen to Lost in the Woods from Frozen 2 to know how I'm feeling before proceeding reading the rest of this post. One of the last movies we ever got to go out and watch together over a year ago, you stopped wanting to watch movies with me once the pandemic started... We used to do Redbox and all that stuff before we got depressed.
If you end up going through any of my other posts, just know they're in reverse order because it's a blog. I also have OCD so I edit and touch them up too much and add too much to them. I can't do that or delete all the messages I over sent you. Sorry about all those messages, honestly. I was going through lots of withdrawal: Crystal Love, Video Games, AND Caffeine. So yeah, I got nasty like when someone gets off hardcore drugs or smoking cigarettes. That's what it felt like and I'm sorry I let all that out on you and all the horrible things I said about myself. I'm sorry you didn't feel the love I was giving anymore. I honestly didn't feel loved by you either. Or that you even loved yourself anymore. Everything was about murders and people having painful life experiences every conversation I had with you and you were watching all these dating shows that made me uncomfortable because it seemed you'd rather watch them than accept the love I was trying to show you. You wouldn't even let me sit next to you or put my arm around you. When we went to the mall you wouldn't even hold my hand anymore like you used to... You weren't being yourself at all.
I want to get back to who we were together before the pandemic.
Before you left, I honestly loved you more than life itself. Would have killed myself if it would have made you happy.. That.... THAT is why I was speechless when you said you were leaving me. My heart SHATTERED before you. It killed me inside to hear the person that I love more than my own self wanted to leave me for someone else after 7 1/2 years. I was so sad with you being unresponsive to all my signs of love for the past few months. I honestly sat in that room for days on end debating suicide because I'd been getting rejected to even be allowed to sit on the couch with you for weeks... While you texted away with another guy? I honestly almost killed myself over this because I thought you just hated me because of my depression. The only words that saved me were when you said "I don't hate you". I don't know why that saved me but it did. It sure felt like you hated me. How do you leave someone who loves you more than themselves, more than life itself...?
You stopped telling me your wants. You stopped telling me your desires. It felt like you only wanted me out of the room and to get yourself off to sleep multiple times a day and try to sleep for days on end, even sleeping through your work shifts only to stay up all night to make up work. It felt like you wanted nothing to do with me. And it hurt me. Every. Single. Day. I used to be the one you turned to for that kind of intimate stuff.. and you seemed to want nothing to do with me anymore. I felt like yesterday's trash for months, so I turned to Twitch to try and make other people feel better since you stopped receiving my actions of love. Just being friends with people since I couldn't meet new friends in person. Only friends. Never thought once of not loving you or pursuing anyone else.
I just barely finally started to love myself and bought the PS5 and then the NES (the NES was an impulse buy, trying to do some retail therapy like you used to do in healthy amounts). But realized I was still addicted to Overwatch, because I had a feeling you were talking to another guy and that made me even more depressed. I figured I'd rather play video games than kill myself. When I realized it was someone who also pretended to be my friend I wanted to kill myself even more. I wanted to kill him too. But it was your choice to fuck me over. When all I did was love you too much and get rejected to the point all you did was talk to him about my shortcomings from being depressed for over two years from leaving my job FOR HAVING PANIC ATTACKS... Leo doesn't love you. I can forgive you for leaving me for him, but you also have to be able to forgive yourself. You were in a vulnerable state and he took advantage of you. He just wanted to steal you away while you were depressed as an easy trophy.. He wants you to keep needing him, and he will do anything to keep you hanging on so he has a chance to take you away for himself (not for you or your best interests).
Opposed to me where I have always wanted to raise you up every time I could muster up the courage to try to cheer you up again.. I'd get rejected yet again. Every time I tried playing board games, watch TV with you.. the games sat on the table for WEEKS on end... collecting hair, collecting dust... and you'd reject me day after day to play board games saying "not today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next weekend, etc." You stopped eating and making food for yourself and for us and sharing that weight even though I tried encouraging you... And then you got mad at me one day for not making food, after making it for us for the 5th day in a row... I asked you to please make something for us and you decided to starve instead... It fucking hurt. I love you Crystal but you let yourself go and you decided to chase a guy lying to you rather than the man whose loved you and has been with you and committed only to you for over 7 1/2 years.
We both got depressed, both needed help, but couldn't help the other enough to get them to a doctor. Sorry... I never stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad. So yeah I started buying things for myself to cope. Spent too much and you stopped seeing the things I was buying you and gestures I was trying to do for you and for us. But it doesn't have to be the end of us, Crystal. Neither of us could control our depression on our own without seeing a doctor, so I can't hate you for leaving.
I tried changing the topics we would watch, to happier things and watching shows with you that were not so dark, but it seemed every time I tried talking to you you'd rather be messaging someone on your phone than talking to me about anything at all. When we went out and played pokemon you'd have side conversations with Leo instead of showing me you cared about me on our date nights.. I tried many topics to change what we watched and tried encouraging you to look into your health, but I forgot about my own health and you started talking with another guy behind my back. It was pretty to do such a thing to someone who loves you more than life itself... But he'd also been badgering you for months to just let him back into your life, the sick bastard.
When I was messaging after you left I could only focus on the negative about myself because I was depressed (and have been for months, hating myself for having to deal with companies rejecting me for months.. and not being able to get close to you while my search for work was absolute Hell. You pushed me away a LOT). You really didn't deserve all the messaging and hearing me beat myself up. You have been depressed too. I tried explaining all the things you needed help with too, but it was way too much all at once and I'm sorry. Sick people can't fix other sick people - One of them needs to at least get help first. I'm glad you gave me a chance to go get help. I hope you can do the same for yourself and take the time to love who you are.
She always tried her best to make every day feel better for me... No matter how bad it was for me (or herself) inside. If you're out there reading this right now, clearly you still care. Take your time and feel free to read this window into my mind. it won't be easy to get through, but I still love you, Crystal, okay? Please relearn to love yourself. Sick people can't help sick people, but I'm working on myself and getting better; if you want help from being depressed I'd be glad to help you get you the help you need.. but you have to actually want it. For yourself. Don't do it for me. Sorry I got so depressed and stopped caring about myself. It must have been hard for you to watch... I know it was hard for me to watch you going through the same thing. Neither of our faults, okay? We just have to learn to care about ourselves and our own wants and desires. The pandemic's been so long I can't remember the last time I styled my hair or put on cologne (I used to put product in my hair every single day.), or you put on perfume or lipstick... I miss those days. Check out my new photo below this post, too. I'm trying hard to love myself again. 😁
Take all the time you need to read every word. We were both very depressed and confused when you left, both being depressed for a year in isolation. Something needed to change for us to get better. I understand that. Maybe some day we can get back to going to shows and traveling the US or the world together like we always wanted.
I'm trying to focus on me now though, so we actually have a chance. I need to take a break from only thinking about what I think you want or trying to make you happy with the little things. The little gifts and stuffedies things don't add up if you don't love yourself enough to want them for yourself anyways. (I'm glad I still have all mine from you. But.. because they're mine from you. Not because you gave them to make me happy. Band aids don't last. We both needed real healing from our depressions. They've just been feeding on each other's and we turned into horrible monsters towards each other.) I don't hate you for it though. I turned gross too. I'm getting better though. 🙂
Gifts and kind gestures don't fix depression though. I needed professional help to get through Covid Isolation. But. She gave up on me instead of telling me to get help or explaining as someone out of my own mind that I stopped doing chores. It wasn't a choice. Depression is a mental disorder. It disables our ability to be happy and do things that make others happy that we love. We say and do things we don't mean. It's the way life is... We're only human. You gave me everything I thought I wanted and way beyond. But nothing fixes depression other than getting professional help from doctors. And that needs to be our own decision to make for ourselves if we are worth that kind of investment for our own quality of life; we have to love inside our bodies no matter what, and we only get one body and one mind. Let in; let doctors help. - I will help you if you decide you want the help, but the decision to GET help needs to be your own choice, as I have also made my own choice to get help on my own.
I wish I could have gotten help sooner so I could treat her the same way sheas trying to treat me, before she got depressed, too. But stuffed animals and gifts weren't going to save her either. The proof is in the bag I got her.. it made her so happy to get it but her own depression she just wanted to escape into it rather than face her own love in herself. It happened to me with video games, too. Babe I get it we both fell for depression at the same time.
Gifts are just little bandaids, and ours were holding back cracked dams of depression... I wish I could have done like I used to do without this dark cloud hanging over me not letting me be myself. Covid was a horrible year for us.. as individuals, both. All my brain wanted to do was escape my depression and so all I did was play games instead of getting real professional help, that I actually needed. No healing shows to go to or musicals - that's our love language.
This damn pandemic... I just want to go to shows to be happy again... But the thought of going alone is heartbreaking. It's really hard with E3 going on right now. Lots of great memories flooding in. None of what happened in our fallout means we meant to leave the way we did; you left with practically no notice and it made no sense.
Not to mean to beat a dead horse, I KNOW you don't want to hear this or accept this. I don't care if you end up single or dating someone else on your own merit, but Leo is not good for you and he is NOT a friend. He only wants you as a trophy as "the girl that got away". You are an amazing woman, Crystal. 7 1/2 Years I know what the good times AND the bad times are like and I wouldn't trade them for a minute without you. but Leo worked on you for months. He really did. You had no idea, after being manipulated so long. Try to look back to the beginning of how annoyed as fuck you were that he was messaging you again. You told me how mad you were "some guy" was messaging you, but you didn't tell me who. I wish you did, but how could you know this would happen unless it's happened with him before? But you also let him. You gave him the chance. I tried early to help you and you refused. I warned you the first time you said he was bothering you that I would help if you wanted me to tell him to go away... But you let the bastard talk you in to leaving anyways he started planting seeds in your mind months ago and worked on you slowly over time. I saw the messages because you have always told me you have nothing to hide from me. Only reason I ever looked.. I KNOW and I COULD SEE you didn't want to leave like this; one month before the pandemic ended... We both knew the end of the pandemic was near. But there's no helping you when you decide to leave.. no matter how badly I wanted to... I couldn't convince you otherwise. I know how you get by now after 7 1/2 years. You had a flare up and his words hit at the right time after badgering you for months... I should have let you go earlier so you could learn earlier but I was trying to protect you.
This is a lesson you needed to learn on your own though.. Leo is a manipulator and will never change that he is one. He's not even a friend, please get away from him as early on as you can. I don't mind if you find another guy that actually cares and is in it FOR YOU, or if you choose to stay single gonna while and reflect on what's happened in order to heal. If you don't get away, he will jump at you again the moment you let your guard down again. I know people like this (women) from my own past. I will not hold it against you for being convinced out of our relationship or hate you for it. We were both depressed, trying to break the cycle some way, some how. Come back to me; talk to me when you're ready. I will not force you, you need to decide and learn this on your own. Even if you just need to talk to me as a friend.
I hope it truly isn't the end for us... I'm not hopelessly obsessed, just addicted to your love and then you were gone cold turkey. The same day I then quit gaming and caffeine. I am sorry my withdrawals came out on you.. I want to give you a window into our past if you ever just so have the desire to look here again on your own. Some of these posts I have made already I forgot you might have been able to see so... Sorry if anything hurts you. Not intentional. Just venting at points. This hasn't been easy on me. I love you and couldn't call this the end, just yet. Not like this. I saved all the memories in the memory box, when you're ready to go through them again some day.
I do hate my body though for not physically being able to hold back messaging.. Like I can’t shut the fuck up when you leave cold turkey like this. You've done this twice now so I know you didn't mean it. Sorry Crystal. You didn’t deserve that. My love was so strong for you I forgot to love myself... And let you go. I know you couldn't handle seeing me and my depression day after day.. You couldn't fix me and you felt defeated. I needed to see a doctor to wake out of my depression. I wish I could go back and delete the messages. Those last few messages I just wanted you to get help with your thyroid. For you, not for me. Even though reading them they did come off like I'm trying to be an asshole. I wasn't trying to. Just feral after covid depression and being hit with you leaving without talking through things, that's all. It came off wrong, it was a bad time for me to try to help you while you were so upset.
I wouldn't have known you didn't mean this breakup to happen if you hadn't told me about your password in the exact way you had at least 25 times in our relationship with the exact words: "This is my password. Remember it. If there ever comes a time when you need to get in, use it; I have nothing to hide." I heard it singing that night in my mind... I KNEW something wasn't right. I had to listen to your past words and take your past words seriously after you saying it so many times. I did it for you; not for me. I only made sure I got caught because I hated myself for looking... Even though I was only following your own words because I love you and I cared enough to remember you telling me you had nothing to hide.
Maybe some day we can be mature enough to actually talk about things again.
I will be getting medication soon to help with the pain. I didn’t mean to take out all my frustrations on you, a lot has been built up inside me during the pandemic and I burst open with the cut of you walking away cold turkey. I hope you can find a doctor for your thyroid and other therapy you will need to get through this. Don't forget I love you and that I'd still do anything for you; even after all of this.
If you need help and don't know where else to go, talk to me. I'll help you through anything but you have to be willing to listen. - and if you don't know where to find me anymore... Talk to your mom. She should help us reconnect if you can't find your way on your own. I'll be waiting, but also focusing on bettering myself, too. Take care of yourself, love.
I hope you have the ability to forgive me some day. We had good times, too. Mostly good times. But that doesn’t make up for a year of depression and isolation. If you apologize I will have a lot to think about. But, I know... I will never forget you. What we had before he started interfering. I should have known when you were so hesitant to add him in PoGo. And then weeks later "someone" was bothering you on Facebook but you wouldn't tell me who. You said you could handle it on your own telling him to go away. I trusted you and dropped it. I let you handle it because I trusted you and can see your strength, but isolation made both of us weak. Thats where this all stemmed from... You sat and debated so long to add him in PoGo or not and I never understood...
But I understand why now... At least the tip of the iceberg. I saw months of his prying and prying thanks to your foresight of telling me you never had anything to hide from me. Thank you for telling me that. I knew something was wrong. I never meant it as a harmful act or selfish, only to help you. I made it look selfish and said that I did it for myself to try and protect you. I thought it would be easier on you to hate me... But even then
Later the next day you said "I don't hate you" from the bottom of your heart. I know that was you talking to me, not the panic. Not the entranced Crystal that couldn't control leaving. You didn't want to leave, but your body wouldn't let you stop and think. Neither did I.. I was so confused how you'd leave so much behind with places starting to open up, seemingly so easily. But we can't see when we are being manipulated by ourselves. We need others to tell us and try to help, so I did. I gave it all I could.
I was only doing what you always asked of me, that if you needed help I knew how to get in. That was always so important to you... Talk to me when you're ready.
I'd still love to go to this with you. So you can go for yourself. Doesn't and shouldn't be going for me until you're ready again. But, we owe it to ourselves to go and enjoy the things we love again. You wrote that paper on them and broke down their music. Don't forget that and that you love these bands too. We talked so much about their new songs as they were coming out. Do it for yourself. But yes I want to go too. Just not .. alone.
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rockandrollfool
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littlered815
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maytai18
May Tai