the end of the world began on the day adrien agreste turned thirteen years old.

(first chapter is up! happy october)

California Summer - B.H. Smut [one]

Synopsis: Kings Cove California is Billy Hargrove’s hometown. It’s also a popular summer vacation destination for rich couples and their spoiled kids. (Y/N) is one of those rich girls. Proper, sweet, innocent. Only that all bores her to death and Billy is just the adventure she’s been looking for. It’s all fun and games. A summer fling. Not strings attached. Right? 

Inspired by the songs “dreaming of you” and “Kiss it off me” by Cigarettes After Sex.

 A/N: This is smut, babes. Filthy. I will sit in the shame cube after I post it. Please if that is not fore you, don’t read it. Also do not interact if you’re under 18, that’s just not cool. Kay, thanks ♥

Might fuck around and make this a series.

[additional note: I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.]

There’s something about California summers, Billy thinks, thank makes them special. They’re hot and sticky and messy but they’re also exciting and exhilarating. The world seems to be dusted in a perpetual golden glow and days seem endless and full of possibility.

Maybe that sentiment is what brings all the tourists to the little coastal town of Kings Cove, California. A town caught between the undeniable charm of an old sleepy coastal town and the ever-expanding demand for tourist-friendly beach houses in gated communities where rich people can relish in the charm the town brings and then piss off once their vacation days are over.

Billy was born here, raised here until he was 17 and shipped off to forge his path in shitville Indiana. He was miserable then, but a shadow of himself. Angry and sad and overwhelmed by emotions he never learned to properly deal with. Singers and artists always seem to find something poetic about being young and angry and lost. Truth is: there’s nothing poetic about it, nothing romantic or desirable. It’s hard and it kills you slowly. Starting with your heart and then taking over every part of you, slowly but surely.

Soon as he turned 18 and was handed his High School diploma, Billy packed all his belongings into the Camaro and was off. The drive back to California, back home, it felt cleansing. Like a rebirth. A return to life at his own terms.

He got out. He survived. This, Billy is sure, he would always pride himself with no matter how trivial it may seem to anyone else. He got out. Not completely whole. Severely bruised. He got out with a heart so scared he’s sceptical it will ever fully heal. But he got out.

Though coming home didn’t come without its hardships and obstacles. There was nothing waiting for him here but a bunch of questions and an uncertain future. Finding a job, a place to stay, a point from which to start — it was hard. It still is hard. But he’s trying his best.

Kings Cove has a handful of restaurants, some convenience stores, a gym, a few bars, a drive-in, a normal cinema and a bowling alley. It’s really nothing spectacular and yet it seems there’s more and more tourist making it their temporary home in the months between May and September. It started about 5 years ago, that the town started changing with the increase in tourism. They bulldozed the playground Billy always played at, the one closest to the beach and built a bunch of fancy-ass houses and condos and a fucking Starbucks. It pains him to see it. To watch the town he loves so much, the one that holds so much charm, turn into a sandbox for rich people to shape and turn and make it something it isn’t. Something empty and lifeless.

The good thing about those tourists though, is that they are really really rich. Absolutely filthy rich. The kind of rich where they don’t know what to do with their money so you can charge them insane prices for ordinary things.

And that’s what the locals have started doing. A scoop of ice cream used to be 30ct, now it’s a dollar. You gotta bend with the world. You gotta adapt. Surviving means changing even if it sucks ass.

When he first arrived back, Billy had no idea how to navigate this place with all its changes. He felt so god damn out of place in his own home. That’s until he reconnected with Johnny, an old friend from middle school. A kid who grew up in a home filled with anger and sadness just as Billy did. Someone who understood. Someone who understands.

Johnny had it all figured out, adapted and changed. Got Billy a job at the maintenance business he works at. Fixing rain gutters and mowing lawns and cleaning driftwood off the sections of private beach belonging to the beach houses. It’s not the greatest job in the world but it’s alright and it pays good money and sometimes Billy even gets to hang out at the houses when the rich people are out taking surf lessons or doing a wine tasting a town over or try their luck on a god damn banana boat.

Kings Cove is small and the locals know each other. They’re a community tightly bonded through their shared disdain for the change their beloved town went through and the knowledge that though they can’t change anything, they can at least make the vacationers pay big money for everything.

It’s his second summer now and most of the families whose houses he tends to he’s already familiar with. You don’t forget the people who tip you 50 bucks each time. On Mondays, Billy cares for the Millers’ backyard. On Wednesday he makes sure the Callaghans’ pool is clean and still stinks of way too much chlorine. On Thursdays, it’s the Franklins’ estate that needs tending to. And weekends? Those are off.

Weekends mean he gets to enjoy the California summer himself. He goes out to the beach just after sunrise, to catch a few waves or just hang out in the ocean and let it wash away the stress resting on his shoulders from a whole week of hard work. Later, much later, when the sun is about to set, the real fun begins. There’s a bonfire almost every week. No one is ever quite sure who starts it and no official invitations are ever spoken though everyone knows and sure enough, every Saturday a crowd of young people gather by the driftwood pile and hang out and drink and dance as the bonfire crackles on.

It’s not just locals either. There’s always a few stray tourists there. Billy isn’t really all that interested in getting to know them. This is just a blip on their radar. A temporary adventure. But to him this place is home and he’s so fucking tired of these rich kids coming around and acting like they own the place. He’s the first to admit though, that the girls are quite hot and he doesn’t mind a little fling here and there without the fear of having them want anything permanent, knowing their time together comes with an expiry date. They can be quite fun and they’re so willing to let themselves fall into an intimate adventure with a local.

There’s no chase, no effort from him. The only annoying thing is they usually don’t grasp the idea of a summer fling and get clingy to the point where it becomes frustrating.

It’s a bonfire like any other, when his eyes drift across the beach, filled with people mingling all clutching a bottle or a cup. Nothing feels different or spectacular or special. But maybe that’s the thing about special moments — we don’t realise they’re special until we look at them in retrospect. And then they mean everything.

His eyes meet hers across the way. There are no fireworks. His heart beats at a normal rate. Whatever the movies and the songs try to sell you, that’s not how it really happens. Your world won’t shift and there will be no hummingbirds going wild in your stomach. It’s just a glance, a flicker. A moment that seems to hold no significance at all.

Billy can tell she’s not from here. Her outfit says it all. She’s wearing a long flowy skirt and a white tank top and some denim jacket over it that looks like it probably belongs to some boy with a trust fund and a name like Kyle or Charles. In her hair, there’s a clip with a fake flower on it. She looks expensive and fancy and like a piece of work that he’s not willing to put any effort in. He bets the guy beside her, the one that keeps playing with her hair. The one in the polo shirt. That’s probably her boy. His dad owns a boat for sure and probably fucks his secretary.

And even though he pulls his eyes away, he can feel his thoughts drift back towards her. As if some magnetic force tries to keep his mind there, with her. On the way she smiles, or how the wind blows through her hair and makes them looks messy and disorderly and — hot. On how he wants to be the one making a mess of her. He wonders what she feels like, tastes like, sounds like. Even Billy can’t deny he wants her. She’s just his type though something tells him she’s different from his other flings. There’s something deeper in her eyes. A secret he wants to unravel. It’s hidden there and it’s screaming out to him and only him.

As he turns back towards her, he sees her looks straight back at him. With those eyes full of secrets and that smirk on her lips.

Maybe his heart does beat a little faster then. Though he’ll never admit it.

That night he goes to bed and dreams of her and the beach and California.

California summers come with heat but they also come with thunderous storms. Mighty and unforgiving and rough.

Billy makes his way down the roads of Kings Cove, windshield wipers just about dealing with the heavy rainfall as it drums down onto his car window.

“ It’s the wrath of all women scorned and mistreated “ his mother used to say when he was younger and a storm washed over them. He always thought that was silly. Women aren’t thunderstorms, they’re April showers. They’re sunshine on your skin. They’re dewdrops on the lawn.

It’s so dull and gloomy he almost doesn’t see her. Only the peach coloured baseball cap makes her stand out against the grey. She’s slowly walking along the side of the road, unbothered by the downpour. Casual and relaxed as if she’s not getting soaked right this moment. There’s a Slurpee in her hand, blue raspberry.

He wants to drive past and no let himself be bothered with it. This, she, it’s not a mess he needs to get involved in. This can only end in a disaster. Rich boys don’t like you picking up their girlfriends. Rich boys also don’t like you lusting after their girlfriends. And rich boys who see you as a threat can get your ass fired real fucking quick.

And yet he pulls up to the curb and rolls down the window. “ Do you need a ride? “.

She smiles at him, the same way she did that night at the beach in the glow of the bonfire. Her lips are cherry red and for a second he wonders what they taste like. It’s like a primal desire, to taste her. To have her. God, he’s such a guy.

“ Need? No. I’d like one though.”

It’s the first time he hears her voice. It sounds so proper, so innocent. And yet there’s an edge to it. She’s all riddles and mysteries and things he wants to unpack and unravel. Something tells him all the red and the ribbons are only the outermost layer of who she really is. And wouldn’t he like to see more of her?!

“ Get in then,” he instructs with the nudge of his head. A gust of wind follows her as she opens the door and slides into the car. She smells of sunscreen and salt and artificial raspberry flavour. She smells like summer.

“ I’m Billy. “

“ I know. “

That catches him off guard. Sure he knows the locals and some of the kids whose parents he works for but that’s about it. He’s not nearly as prolific as he used to be in Hawkins. He’s a bit more mellow now if he can say so himself.

“ And you are?”

“ (Y/N). (Y/N) (Y/L/N). You tend to our beach house on Tuesdays. I saw you clean our pool the other day”.

That’s news to him. The fact that the (Y/L/N)s have a daughter. He thought it was only her parents alone in that big house in some attempt to rekindle the fire of their marriage. Last year it was only them two, he could swear.

“ Is that so? I could’ve sworn it was just your parents in that house. “

“ Was just them last year, I was in New York City last summer. This time they decided to bring me. Let me enjoy the California sun. “

“ So you enjoying it? “

“ Verdict is still out but I quite like the view yeah. “

The teasing edge in her voice does not get lost on him. If Billy Hargrove is good at one thing, it’s realising when a girl is flirting with him.

“ You watching me then? What does your little boyfriend think about that, huh?”

“ Boyfriend? “ she sounds almost offended at those words, spits it with a certain malice that takes Billy by surprise. “ You mean Dawson? “

Dawson. Of course, that’s his name. Fucking Dawson. Dawson with the swoopy hair and the polo shirt. Dawson with the trust fund. Dawson with the DUI and the state attorney dad. Dawson with the scholarship.

“ Dunno his name.”

“ He’s not my boyfriend. He’s a friend that’s a boy that thinks if he waves around his money I’ll spread my legs for him. As if I don’t have my own money. It’s so unsexy it makes my pussy dry as the Serengeti.”

Billy has to stop himself from pushing the brakes too hard. It’s not something he has expected her to say. Not this outright at least. Something about her brashness and her honesty is truly charming though. It’s endearing for sure.

“ Wearing his jacket though, poor guy thinks he’ll score soon enough.”

“ Eh. Maybe I’ll let him. I’m getting a bit bored. If nothing better comes along— “ she says it casually and shrugs her shoulders but Billy swears there’s an open end to that sentence. Almost like an invitation.

“ Hope pretty boy does it for you then. So — where to? “

She faces him, peach baseball cap on her head and cherry smile on her lips. “ See, the thing is that my parents aren’t home right now and I don’t have a key so … “

“ So...? “

“ Just wanna hang somewhere until they get home tonight. Maybe somewhere dry? “

Everything in him screams at him not to do it. Not to get tangled up in this. He knows, god he knows, this is a bad idea and yet he says it anyway.

“ Do you wanna chill at my place? “

She bites her lips then takes another sip from her Slurpee. “ Yeah, sounds good to me.”

God Billy, you are such a dumbass.

Billy’s apartment is small but he feels more at home here than he ever did in any house he shared with his father.

There’s an open kitchen/living room area, a bathroom and his bedroom. It’s not much but it’s his and that makes all the difference.

“ Well uh — this is my place. “

He almost expects to see some kind of disdain on her face, disappointment too maybe. She’s used to big fancy houses with white shutters and stucco ceilings. Though when he turns to look at her there’s none of it. Just curiosity. No judgment. Not even a tiny spark. Not even at all.

“ It’s nice. Do you uh — I’m soaked. Do you have a shirt or something you could give me?”

It’s now, that he lets his eyes travel down her body, and notices her shirt clinging to her body. She’s not wearing a bra and it’s painfully obvious and he swears he dies in that moment. There’s only so much a guy’s heart can take.

“ Uh. I — mmh.”

As if his body works on autopilot, Billy hurries towards his bedroom and rummages through his closet until he finds a shirt that’s even baggy on him and will surely work for her. God, seeing her in his clothes is gonna give him another little heart attack.

“ Here you g — “ she’s naked. Not completely but her shirt and jeans are gone and all she’s in is a pair of red underwear and no bra and some socks and that damn peach baseball hat.

“ Huh? you never seen a pair of tits before? “

“ No, I have. “

“ Good. “

“ Yeah. Here “

She smirks as Billy hands her the shirt, doesn’t break eye contact. Not even once and she slips if over her head and almost drowns in the fabric. It reaches down to mid-thigh and she looks glorious. Wet hair clinging to her skin, shirt covering everything but just barely. Bily is usually suave and charming and smooth. Why not now? Why not with her? What is it about this girl that she plays his games better than he does it himself.

“ You want something to eat? “

What the fuck, Billy. There’s a half-naked girl in your kitchen and you’re asking her if she wants food? What is going on?!

“ Sure, what’ve you got? “

“ Lemme see — “ Billy says and turns towards the kitchen cabinets and (Y/N) slides up and sits down on the island. Her ass must be flush on the counter and Billy has to stop himself from following that thought any further because that would result in a serious hard-on right now.

“ So I got some Nachos aaand — “ he says and squats down to open a lower cabinet, “ I think there’s guacamole somewh— “

A soft thump interrupts him and, as he realises what’s caused the sound, his heart drops straight down into his pants and his whole body goes hot. Like his entire system is going haywire.

His hand reaches out to take the flimsy red fabric into his hand. Her underwear. This has crossed flirting long ago. This is an obvious invitation and if this was any other girl or any other situation he’d already be balls deep inside her so why not now?

As Billy turns to look at her, the teasing smirk is back, her eyebrow is raised in a way that tells him she’s challenging his next move, and the secrets are back sparkling in her eyes.

“ Oops “ she says though he can tell she’s all but sorry.

“ What are you doing? You have a boyfriend. “

“ Uuuugh ”  (Y/N) moans in annoyance, “ I told you, he’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a boy who doesn’t get it. I have a lot of boys in a lot of cities who all do not get it. They think because they’re rich and their parents have influence, everyone has to do as they wish. They’re not used to not getting what they want and I like to see ‘em get pissy once they realise they can’t have me. Billy those guys — they are so boring. So dull and if I have to listen to one more lecture about politics or their scholarship or how their daddy helped finance the university’s library I am going to off myself. “

“ So what role do I play in this game? You’re just a rich girl who’s bored with her suitors then, huh? What am I ? “

“ Exciting. You are different. You are you, no ifs or buts. You are your own person not a clone of your wealthy father and his even wealthier father. You are exciting and so. fucking. hot. “

Billy doesn’t notice it happening but suddenly he’s so close he can feel her breath on his skin. She’ so close. So close. All he has to do is reach out and grab her. Touch her. Kiss her. Taste her.

“ Fuck me.”

“ You sure? “ he murmurs, voice low and deep and soothing. “That’s all this is gonna be. Sex and fun and nothing serious. “

“ Just fun. No strings. I’ll leave at the end of the summer anyway. Until then we can — explore. “

“ Explore? “

“ Mmh. There’s so much we can do.“

“ Sounds good to me. “

Billy doesn’t give her time to reply before his lips descend on hers. She doesn’t taste like cherries or chapstick or sugar. She tastes cold and like fake raspberry slushy. Billy thinks it’s his favourite flavour now.

His hands wander up and down her sides and hers get tangled in his curls, combing through his hair and tugging slightly. She’s breathing deep, quick breaths as his lips make their way across her neck and down towards her boobs. He bunches the shirt up and pulls it over her head leaving her naked on his kitchen counter. She’s absolutely fucking breathtaking and his jeans are getting awfully tight around the front.

“ You’re so hot “ he murmurs against her skin as he buries his head in the crook of her neck. Her skin is flushed and there’s a cute red tint to her cheeks. Maybe he was wrong about it on all accounts. Maybe she’s not as innocent as he has first thought.

Her fingers slip down his body and straight into the front of his jeans, grabbing his dick and squeezing his hard on softly. Yeah, she’s definitely not as innocent as he had first thought.

It’s a clash of teeth and a tongues and a lot of saliva. This is messy and raw and rough and he feels like he’s died and gone straight to heaven. With every second, his lips wander a little further down her hot skin, placing kisses one every inch he can reach until he’s kneeling in front of her. Her eyes lock on his as she spreads her legs further letting him see just what he’s been lusting after since the first moment he’s laid eyes on her. He feels like a man starving being presented with an all you can eat buffet.

Their eyes lock as his lips kiss the spot where her abdomen meet her thighs. It’s not where she wants him but it’s enough to make her go fuzzy in the head.

“ I’ll make you forget about all those rich fuckboys, baby.”

And he does. God, he does. As soon as he licks at her clit she can’t recall a single name of any other boy she’s ever met. He devours her like he was born to do nothing but eat a girl out. There’s kisses followed by kitten licks followed by more kisses. It’s driving her crazy, the way he flicks his tongue.

(Y/N) lifts her leg to rest on his shoulder as her hand reaches down burying herself in his hair. The way she tugs, the slight pangs of pain, it’s delicious. Billy can’t get enough of it. He adds a finger, then two, slowly in and out, the faster, then even faster. He knows she’s close by the way she throws her head back, bites her lips. Her lipstick is everywhere, her hair clings to her skin now from sweat instead of rain. She’s a mess and he’s so proud of getting her to this point. He further spreads her lips, lapping up the wetness, sucking at her clit, making her come undone right there on his kitchen counter.

The moans that fall off of her lips are almost pornographic, he wonders if her parents know the kind of activities she gets up to when they’re away. He bets they don’t. She’s a princess at home. Nice and proper. A princess who spends her free time getting fucked by their poolboy.

Billy pulls away at the last minute which (Y/N) really doesn’t enjoy. She pouts at him, gives him a sound of pure dismay. “ Why did you stop? “ she questions, voice breathy, almost incoherent.

“ Cause I wanna feel you cum when I fuck you. “

He’s not usually this bold and brash. Girls like lovely words. They like soft voices and hushed whispers and for boys to say nice things during sex. Not her. She wants the dirt and the mess and the honesty.

(Y/N)’s hand finds its way back to his crotch, pulling down the zipper of his jeans and freeing his solid boner.

“ No boxers? “ there’s a glimmer of mischief playing in her eyes.

“ You complaining? “

“ Fuck no. I’d suck you off but I want you inside me — like right now. “

Billy only nods, before fumbling a condom from his wallet and pulling it down his cock. He shares her sentiment. All he wants to be right now, is inside her.

Rough hands grab her hips and turn her around before pushing her down. Her boobs as flush against the counter, ass on full display. She’s a sight for sore eyes. A masterpiece.

Billy can’t keep his hands off her ass. He has to grab a handful, squeeze it, caress it. There’s boob guys and butt guys and then there are guys like Billy who know that both those features are mutually phenomenal and to limit yourself by choosing one or the other is a move only a fool would make and he ain’t no fool.

Billy lines himself up at her slit. He can’t wait to feel her around him, wet and warm and throbbing and —

“ What are you waiting for? “ she grunts, impatience clear in her voice and she tries to wiggle her ass closer to him.

“ Patience, baby.” Billy instructs as he grabs onto her hips and pulls her even closer. Her skin is so soft, so perfect. There’s a primal desire in leaving his marks of passion there so he leans over and places little love bites on her shoulder. They’ll be easy for her to cover up with a shirt but he’ll know they are there and that’s all that matters to him.

Slowly, painfully slowly, he trails his erection up and down her entrance, coating it in her arousal. He’s really not looking forward to clean this mess later on but right now it’s damn worth it by the way she’s trembling and wiggling underneath him, desperate for some stimulation.

“ Patience is not a word I know, sorry “ she’s so god damn desperate it almost makes him cum before he even gets a fuck in.

“ Yeah me neither. “

With those words he sinks into her and it feels heavenly. Engulfed by her warmth, her wetness, her passion. Quite frankly, he’s convinced, there’s no better place to be in the entire world, than buried in the pussy of a pretty girl.

Billy moves his hips slowly, deliberately, set a rhythm and a pace. He watches his cock disappear inside of her then slide back out in a delicious cadency as he dings his fingers into her hips, surely leaving bruises.

The moans tumbling from her lips are almost pornographic though he can tell they’re real and honest. There’s no reason for her to fake anything. He’s pretty sure she’d set him straight if he was doing something wrong.

“ more. “ she gasps, breath hitching as she pushes back against him, taking him even deeper. This girl is a dream if he’s ever seen one.

Billy speeds up his movements, slamming into her at a faster pace, pounding her against the counter. The air is hot and both of them are so sweaty and the room smells of sex and salty ocean air. God, he loves California summers and pretty girls.

There’s a fire lit in his lower abdomen as she whimpers and arches her back off of the counter. Billy lifts one hand off of her hips and grabs onto her front, caressing her soft tits and pulling her upright so her back is flush against his chest. The sheen of sweat covering them makes it hard to figure out where one of them ends and the other begins. Right then, they are one. Her peach colored baseball cap falls off of her head and onto the floor, where the rest of their clothes lie discarded.

His hand desperately moves across her chest, squeezing and teasing and trailing fingers around her nipples, hard from arousal.

“ Oh fuck yes. “

The confirmation that he’s doing something right, that he’s making her feel good, makes Billy’s ego grow 3 sizes. He’s such a sucker for validation.

He snaps his hips faster, harder, tries to go deeper. His hand grabs onto her thigh and lifts it up so her knee is resting on the counter letting him fuck her at a whole new angle.

At the way she cries out in ecstasy he knows he’S doing something extremely right. “God, right there. “ she almost sobs. Billy’s sure she’s biting her lip so hard it must be close to drawing blood.

Billy buries his head in her messy hair, softly traces kisses and love bites up and down her neck, tugs on her earlobe with his teeth. “ Yeah? Your pussy is a dream, baby. A fucking dream.” he grunts, voice laced with lust.

“ I’m gonna cum, Billy. “

He can tell, by the way she trembles, clenches around him. By the way her breathing hitches. And he’s right there with her.

There’s a fire pulsing through him, shockwaves rippling. It bubbles in his abdomen then boils over. With every snap of his hips the movements get more arrhythmic, messy, uncoordinated, desperate

A bunch of expletives fall from her lips but Billy can hardly make them out as his own orgasm washes over him. It feels like time slows and every sound disappeared into a white static. Nothing matters then but to chase that high and catch it and get some sweet release.

Billy feels her cum around him, squeezing him tightly in the process. The way she moans his name, as if it’s both a secret and a confession to himself and the world, that’s what does it for him.

Grabbing her hips with both hands, he holds her in place, before pounding into her with a few last uncoordinated hard thrusts. And then his vision goes black for a moment and his brain stops functioning as he cums into the condom.

For a moment there’s no sound but them trying to catch their breath as they slump down against the counter, spent from the activities. Sweaty, filthy, messy. But oh so satisfied and content.

Billy pulls out of her and for a second he misses her warm and tight around him. Like he was meant to stay there forever. Fuck, he’s such a guy.

Another heartbeat passes and (Y/N) lets out a melodic but breathless giggle. “ I could go for some Nachos and Guac right now. “

This girl is really something else.

They devour the snacks while lazing on his couch. Naked as they came to this earth, unbothered. Maybe this is what makes him go so absolutely feral about her, the fact that she’s so uncomplicated. Yeah she comes with all kinds of warning signs and bad news for him but being with her like this it’s so easy. Like they’ve been some kinds of friends for a long time.

Their bodies are always touching in one way or another. As if they can’t get enough. Billy’s sitting on the couch, feet resting on the coffee table while her legs are places on his lap, cigarette dangling from her fingers. The air is sticky and humid and even the late afternoon breeze doesn’t bring any cooling-off.

As his eyes fall onto the clock on the wall, Billy lets out a frustrated grunt. “ Fuck.”

“ What’s the matter?”

“ I’m supposed to meet my friend Johnny at the gym in about 10 minutes. Totally forgot about it. “

“ Do you have to go? “

“ I really should. “

“ You’ve had quite the workout today though. “

Billy scoffs a laugh at her words before plucking the cigarette from her fingers and taking a drag. He lets the smoke sit in his chest for a moment, hoping to capture even a bit of the warmth he felt when buried balls deep inside her cunt.

It doesn’t work.

“ He’s waiting for me. “

“ Aw, that��s too bad. “ she says grabs the cigarette back and, after one last drag, then stubs it out in the ashtray resting on the coffee table. “ I was just about to ask for a round two. Guess I’ll have to do it by myself then. That’s fine. “

Her fingers trail down her body, teasing her nipples before descending towards her slit. She slowly circles her clit. Billy is honesty sure she’ll be the death of him. This girl is so sweet yet so dirty and he’s not sure he’s ever met someone like her.

“ You gonna sit there and finger yourself on my couch ? “

“ You gonna sit there and watch and not join in? Come on Billy, I can give you quite the workout. No gym necessary. Do I have to beg? “

Yes. God he wants to hear her beg but that makes him feel a bit — uneasy. He doesn’t want her to think he doesn’t want this just as much as she does. Maybe they can leave the begging for another day.

“ You’re insatiable, huh? “ he asks as he settles himself on top of her, lips colliding with hers ina fiery kiss.

(Y/N) just nods, a satisfied moan slipping from her lips as his fingers nudge her hand away and replace them softly trailing up and down her slit, slipping inside every once in a while.

“ What can I say? It’s a bad habit I just can’t seem to quit.”

Maybe this is a really bad idea. Maybe he’s getting himself into more trouble than he needs right now. But the way she feels and sounds and taste make it worth it.

As the sun sets upon the horizon and the summer storm has long passed on to another coastal town, Billy thinks that it’s so worth it if only he can feel like this for the rest of the summer.

There’s really nothing quite like a California summer and a pretty girl with a dirty mind.

short ones

some rec that no one asked for

Buried Like Treasure by QuickedWeen

Words: 8k

Prince Harry Styles is very private. He chooses to keep himself out of the public eye but feels lonely and isolated while surrounded by people in his hectic royal life. When he finishes his dissertation, he decides to take a solo holiday to one of the royal family's properties in the Swiss Alps.

Semi-retired thief Louis Tomlinson has been pulled in for one last job: steal a painting from an uninhabited mansion. Neither one of them expects a natural disaster.

Works like a charm by falsegoodnight

Words: 18k

Ever since Louis joined the team in fifth year, a few facts have become set in stone.

One: Louis is the best chaser in Hogwarts.

Two: Harry is the best beater in Hogwarts.

Three: They do not get along.

So it’s really unfair of Liam to think that forcing them to spend time together as Louis recovers from his injury will make them the best of friends. The last thing Louis would do is get along with that git.

The devil’s in the details by raspberryoats

Words: 25k

He squeals when Harry smacks his bum as he bends over to pick up his bag, swinging it over his shoulder. Harry smiles smugly at him, bottom lip caught between his teeth. “When are you going to start calling me professor?” He asks.

“When you actually are one,” Louis says with his hand on the doorknob. He cocks his head to the side in curiosity. “Isn’t that how words work? You did study English, right?”

Louis’ quick to slip out the door before Harry can smack him again, his laugh echoing through the hallways as he makes his way to his next class with flushed cheeks and a bright smile.

or the one where harry’s on his way to becoming a professor and louis is the smart, bratty student

At your fingertips by falsegoodnight

Words: 27k

He finds himself wrapped up in sheets in bed on Thursday night, staring at the familiar name on a new story that was posted the night before.

His fingers twitch, ready to hit play and surrender to his impulses, saving the regret and turmoil for later.

And still he hesitates, internally praying that he’ll somehow gain the strength to exit out within the next few moments before he inevitably loses his patience and hits the button.

Three…

Two…

One.

Play.

-

Or, Louis really should have seen it coming.

Sweet like honey by falsegoodnight

Words: 33k

Weeks of flat shopping with their limited budget with Louis as a librarian aid and Harry as a barista and arguments about whether a balcony or extended bathroom suite were more important (Harry wanted to be able to feel the crisp night’s air and watch the sun set and Louis just wanted to take long bubble baths) led to them stumbling across the perfect fit. A small flat only ten minutes from campus with a cramped but lovely balcony and an included bath.

It’s affordable too… well, sort of. But they always manage. Louis picks up more shifts as an aid, adapting a habit of bringing his Psych textbooks and homework with him to finish in between duties, and later his script so he can quietly practice lines with little distraction.

Harry also increases his number of shifts at the cafe and valiantly endures the nasty customers who for some reason flock to their establishment like moths to a flame.

For a while, it’s enough.

-

Or, Harry and Louis need money and they find an unconventional solution in the form of PornHub. It’s not supposed to be a big deal.

Haven by xxPayne

Words: 35k

“I take it you’re not a new student?” “What?” Harry mumbles, caught up in the way his eyes are quite literally sparkling in the light. “Oh—No. Not a student.” “Are you a sub?” Louis asks. Harry clenches his hands into fists, holding them behind his back as he stumbles a bit. “I don’t, uh—I mean. I’ve never really gotten a chance to be a true sub, you know? My ex-partners were always scared they’d hurt me. But, like—If I trusted someone a lot, and if we used a, a safeword. And talked about, you know, boundaries, then—Yes, yeah, I-I’m a sub.” Louis’ eyes are so wide, his cheeks puffing out in the effort to not burst into laughter. “Oh shit, oh my god,” Harry whispers. “You meant—Oh god.

Reduce Me To A Pleading Cry (Break The Skin and Tantalize) by taggiecb

Words: 37k

Or Harry is a broody submissive boss, Louis is a natural dom who works in the mail room at Styles & Styles, Niall is a matchmaking oracle, and a slender, dark haired man stands mute at the coffee stand encouraging others to spill their secrets.

The Pirate and The Piper by jacaranda_bloom

Words: 38k

Banished from Neverland by Captain Hook and the evil Siren Minerva, Louis is forced to live in the Other World. He makes a life for himself, resigned to the fact he’s never going to see his beloved home and Lost Boys again. Five years later he’s kidnapped and returned to Neverland, only to discover a far worse fate awaits him. But with an unlikely ally by his side, can he overcome those who seek his demise and restore freedom to his homeland?

Or the one where Harry is Hook, Louis is Pan, and nothing is what it seems.

Before we knew by falsegoodnight

Words: 39k

“C’mon Lou,” says Zayn after a moment, He sounds even more exasperated than before. Louis sort of has a knack for exasperating people, especially people like Zayn who aren’t usually bothered by his brattiness. “Can’t you give this guy a chance? Harry Styles? Aren’t you curious about him at all?”

Despite his best efforts, Louis still flinches at the name. He really shouldn’t be so affected after all these years. He’s seen the name printed down the curve of his waist in obnoxiously and uncommonly large loopy letters every single day since his sixteenth birthday eight years ago. He’s very familiar with the name Harry Styles.

It sounds pretentious and Louis hates it.

He hates everything about his supposed soulmate.

He hates his large handwriting that stands out like a claim on his skin whenever he’s walking around shirtless. He hates his pretentious name. And now he hates his supposed curls and green eyes and dimples.

-

Or Louis has been skeptical of soulmates for years so it seems like fate when he finally bumps into the owner of the obnoxiously large signature printed onto his skin since age sixteen: Harry Styles, a human rights attorney who is firmly against soulmates.

Bruise you like a peach by falsegoodnight​

Words: 40k

There’s two reasons Harry despises Econ.

The first is that it’s boring as fuck. The second reason is a bit more personal, a bit more focused in a way. As in it’s focused on one specific thing, or in his case, person.

His name is Louis Tomlinson.

Things have gotten closer to the sun by starsea

Words: 49k

it’s strange, making the choice to face his past—it almost feels like he’s heading for the sun straight on, like he’s screaming come on and burn me, i deserve it.

-

when a solar flare is announced to end the world in twelve days, harry reunites with the people that he used to know better than the back of his own hand.

Just a flicker in the dark by falsegoodnight

Words: 57k

Harry Styles is his case partner. High and mighty, annoyingly smug Harry Styles who’s known him for years and has fucking seen him naked for fuck’s sake.

He glances at Venus who’s blinking up at him with curious eyes, no doubt sensing the agitation sparking in his magic.

“This is not happening,” Louis says loudly. “This is not fucking happening. I am going to kill Liam, oh my god.” He doesn’t even know if Liam is responsible for this but it feels like something he’d do to drive Louis absolutely insane - exes don’t just show up to your assigned haunted house out of nowhere. “Fucking fuck!”

He nearly jumps when Harry knocks again, his muffled voice carrying through the wood. “I can hear you, you know,” he drawls, sounding frustratingly amused.

Louis exhales, resisting the urge to scream.

-

Or, Louis is a struggling witch desperate to prove himself after yet another magic disaster and finds a calling in the haunted house of client Niall Horan. Things get more complicated when he’s assigned a case partner: acclaimed medium and ex-boyfriend, Harry Styles.

Like cabbages and kings by you_explode

Words: 60k

When Louis was a kid, he had a series of very vivid dreams about a place called Wonderland. There were rabbits wearing waistcoats and talking cats and ridiculous tea parties, and amidst all the absurdity, there was a boy. A boy with dimples, big green eyes and the sweetest soul Louis has ever known. Louis has always kept a place in his heart for that boy and for his funny dreamworld, and when he’s twenty-five and his life falls apart, it turns out Wonderland might not be so imaginary after all.

Stress Reliever  - Namjoon

Pairing: Namjoon x reader (nicknamed Vixen)

Wordcount: 3.9k words

Genre: smut, angst, fluff

Rating: 18+

Hello! As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ll be publishing longer scenarios which could actually be considered small one-shots. The first theme will be stress-relieving/angry sex (’cause let’s admit it, that’s one great way to blow off some steam and ease some tension) 

I’ll be following the official order, so I’ll start with Namu uwu. 

I don’t really think I need to say this is smut, and filth and an unedited mess. Let’s just move on to trigger warnings. 

TRIGGER WARNINGS: swearing; unprotected sex within an established relationship (wrap it before you tap it, and please get checked for STIs regularly) lingerie kink, DADDY kink (like, how could I not) plus Joon is fucking packed and we all fucking know it, dirty language, allusions to cheating (but like, not really, how could one possibly cheat on daddy big dick Joon? Ha, not me), spanking, ddlg/bdsm dynamics, brat!reader, oral (female receiving, mentions of male receiving), peaches and cream (don’t look at me like that, how could I NOT do this) marking, biting, overstimulation and ruined orgasm (listen, daddy makes the rules, it’s not my fault, next time be less of a brat), cumplay, mild angst (lack of attention, abandonement issues). RIP to y/n’s deceased La Perla set. I suppose this is all? This is quite pwp, but not really. About 3900 words.

Also, here you can find my masterlist. Enjoy!

Your day had been phenomenal, your boss had complimented you and assigned you a new office as you joined your new team. You had celebrated going out for lunch with your new colleagues, getting to understand the dynamics and roles within the groups. Since you were given a free afternoon to receive a general briefing and celebrate your promotion you went off work earlier than usual, deciding to get yourself a nice new dress and some celebratory lingerie, all Italian lace and silken bows.

But your mood was sour. Namjoon didn't even bother reading your text, ignoring you all day, which normally would not bother you, but considering how hard you had been working for that promotion and how tired you were, but most importantly considering he knew how much it mattered to you, it really upset you. And you were meaning to make him pay for it. 

As you arrived at home you started getting ready, you bathed and did a face mask, hair all pretty and soft, fixed your nails. You felt gorgeous. Gorgeous and furious. Which was normally a very entertaining combination when you added Namjoon, who was currently absent without justification. He should have arrived home twenty minutes ago. 

When he finally came through the front door, you were lounging annoyed on the sofa. 

"Hi." 

You did not answer. And he didn't even notice, nor look at you. 

He went straight to the bedroom, got rid of his clothes and wore something comfy, going straight to the kitchen. 

"No dinner?" He asked. 

"I'm going out." He looked up to where you were sitting, a little baffled. 

"And no dinner?" 

"I called at the Garden, booked a table for two at nine. You could get ready in fifteen. It's on me."

His forehead creased. "I'm a bit tired."

You raised a brow. "I'm going out anyway." 

He huffed out. "Okay. Let me wear something decent."

Five minutes later he headed out, in jeans and a white shirt. He looked completely insane, the sleeves slightly rolled up, his hair pushed back. "Am I okay?" 

"You look divine." You were too turned on to deny him a compliment. "I'm sorry I made you dress up. I really wanna destress." 

His half tired look in his eyes had disappeared, probably thank to the brief shower he had taken. "It's good, baby."

You headed to the restaurant, his hand perched on your knee during the drive, his head heavy on your shoulder. He still hadn't mentioned your promotion. 

A nice waiter welcomed the two of you, he must have been new, considering you had never seen him before and you and Joon were pretty much two regulars there. 

He accompanied the two of you to the table, your hand reaching for your man, while he looked absolutely lost, completely disconnected from you. Even at the table you tried to spark a conversation but he was entirely unresponsive, only mentioning that he had been working on his new collaboration and he had been late because he had to meet the singer. The fact that it was a woman low-key triggered you. It's not like you were jealous, or maybe you were, but jealousy was a feeling you had felt before and you had always had the self control not to act upon it. However, mixing that mild jealousy with the disappointment of him not acknowledging your promotion and your special effort for your looks, together with his detached demeanour had you starting something you never thought you would have the guts to do. 

You started being excessively polite -- borderline saccharine -- to the cute waiter, asking for his name and behaving in an almost too friendly way, offering him nice smiles and sugary 'thank you's. 

Not that Namjoon seemed to notice. 

You were getting half an idea to gently grab the waiter's wrist and write your phone number on his forearm just to see what your boyfriend would do. 

By the time you finished your main course and got ready to close your meal with dessert, you were so upset you gave up on your usual tiramisu, telling Geonwu -- the waiter -- to hand you the bill. Namjoon seemed to get out of his bubble for a second, as you turned down the dessert, suddenly triggered by your strange change of habit. He must have really upset you, he thought as you gave the waiter your card and waited for the payment to be processed. 

A few minutes later you entered your apartment, kicking your shoes and heading for the bedroom. You hoped he would trip over your discarded shoes. Damn him. 

In front of the mirror in your ensuite, you started taking off your makeup, slowly undoing your hair. You hated him. 

He reached the bedroom too, standing in the door between your room and the bathroom, looking at you through the mirror. 

"I know what you were trying to do at dinner." He crossed his arms. "I don't like it at all." 

"I wouldn't have done it if you had payed attention to me." You took off your earrings and your watch. The necklace he had given you for your first anniversary. "But you were… Busy."

"So you wanted me to pay attention." He came up behind you, pressing himself against your backside. "Sorry thing I already knew you would land that promotion." He kissed your neck, slowly starting to unbutton the mother pearl buttons on your silk camisole. "So I thought I could keep you on edge and make you snap at me, make you so angry you would finally take all that tension off on me."

You held your breath as he nibbled at your neck. "And I know you were trying to rile me up and make me jealous just to get me to fuck you like crazy, uh?" 

He finished with the buttons and untucked your shirt, discovering the black lace corset underneath. 

"Was this part of the plan, little vixen?" He toyed with the strings of the undergarment, his sex now hard against your back. 

You nodded eagerly. 

"Then bend the fuck over cause Imma teach you a lesson." He lifted up your pencil skirt. "These are new, aren't they?" He said teasing the fabric. 

"Yes, daddy. I bought them for you." You just wanted him to snap, hoping that your submission would spark up his dominance. 

You saw a shiver ran down his spine. "So kind, but you didn't bend over yet. And this won't save you from your punishment." He said, pressing a heavy hand between your wing blades and pushing you down. "You know daddy likes giving you attention, so why didn't you ask?" 

"I didn't want to bother you, daddy." You already felt a whine in your voice, a petulant, bratty tone emerging. 

“I still don't get whether I should treat you like the brat you are or like the good girl you’re desperately trying to be.” Suddenly you felt the heavy smack of him delivering the first hit. You moaned out in relief and arousal. “You better keep quiet. You kept quiet while you should have told me you wanted me, so now that you wanna talk you’d better keep it down, brat.” he delivered another spank, making his point clear. “Understood?”

“Yes, daddy.” You lifted your head, your eyes rolling up from under your lashes.

He licked his lips and used his spare hand to hold your chin up high, so to maintain eye-contact. “Good girl.” He caressed your bum delicately. “Shall we say that you received your promotion at nine a.m., and now it's almost midnight. That makes it fifteen hours of you keeping it from me. Considering that you’re always so eager when I spank you I won’t include the first two blows I already gave you. Now hold tight because dirty girls like you don’t learn their lessons from soft punishments.”

By the thirteenth blow you were gripping the sink, knuckles white, face blushed with effort, a coat of arousal and sweat slickening your thighs. Namjoon’s tempo had slightly slowed down in order to softly brush your sensitive skin between a spank and another. “Come on, two more, ____. Enjoy them.”

He hit you with full force. Considering that you’d got used to the pain, your tolerance adjusting to his attack, he must have really put some fury in the last two. 

Now finally done with your punishment, he moved you slightly to the side, so to use the sink to cool down his palms. “Next time I should use a paddle. No use hurting my hands for punishing a spoiled brat.” Some part of you already felt a dark craving, moaning at the thought. He snickered at how hungry you always were for him.

He passed the cool skin of his hands on your glutes, offering you a small reprieve, taking care of you without giving any explicit sign of your punishment being over. You knew it wasn’t, and it didn’t surprise you when he hooked his fingers in your panties and dragged them down your legs, kneeling to unhook them from your feet. “Those don’t deserve to be ripped.” Now at perfect eye level with your slit, he couldn’t help but give in to the smell and taste of you, licking up your soaked thighs, nuzzling his lips against your sex, delivering one sweet kiss. “Can you take it like a girl good and make daddy happy or do you wanna slow down?”

He probably knew how exhausted your muscles must have been from the position you were into. However, you wanted it your way. “Make daddy happy.” You murmured.

He smiled like a madman, still between your thighs, biting one of the few spots that weren’t bright red on your behind. He raised to his feet, towering over your bent shape, his nimble finger undoing his belt and jeans, gripping his hard on and using the tip to tease your entrance. “Baby, you got me so hard, watching you take your spanks so well, your ass so soft, quivering like jelly. You should see yourself right now, baby. Looking like a wet dream.” 

He caressed down your shoulders, using his free hand to hold your waist. You knew he wouldn’t bend down to kiss you, that would be so out of character. And considering he hadn’t stretched you out, you also knew it would hurt. 

“Ready?”

You nodded. “Yes, daddy.” He offered you his hand in your own and you gripped it hard as he slowly sinked in. It took him half a minute to bottom out. A deep groan followed. “So good, babe.” 

You released a heavy breath, squeezing you inner muscles lightly. “Woah baby, fuck.” He swore viciously, carefully beginning to roll his hips, both his hands on your waist, one of yours joining there, reaching for his fingers, craving for a small sign of affection while he was being careful not to hurt the bruises already forming on you ass. His thrusts were slow and deliberate, looking for the smallest sign of discomfort on your face and posture. Once adjusted, you arched further, allowing him a shift in angle that had him hissing and throwing his head back. His beautiful, dark hair followed, catching your attention in the mirror. His chest, still covered in the shirt, inflated, straining the buttons on his sternum. You would have done anything in that moment to kiss the small triangle of skin appearing at the base of his neck. 

Now newly focused, his eyes opened and fixed on you, while one of his hands moved to your breast, still covered in the corset, toying with your nipple, then gripping the flesh with his big palm.

“Joonie,” you dared murmur as his pace intensified. 

“You good baby?” He slowed down again, in fear he was hurting you. 

“So good, Joonie, I just—” You shut up a second, needing to focus before you continued your sentence. “I wanna cum, daddy.”

“It’s okay baby, let me take you there.” He made you turn your face and caressed your cheek tenderly, using his other hand to reach between your thighs, drawing taunting, tight circles on your clit, with just the right pace and pressure. God only knew how he did that. 

“Keep squeezing me baby, so close.” He gripped the back of your neck for leverage and his thrusts got stronger and faster, you completely losing it over the way his hips stayed closer to yours and pushed harder, pulling out just an inch before plunging in again. 

Your orgasm washed over you with sweet relief and you were sure it would have gone on for a bit less than a minute hadn’t Joon pulled out of you, his hand still toying with your clit, his vicious fingers way too skilled not to know how much he was affecting you -- and how wrong it all felt. “Joon, inside!” You cried out, barely coherent, only now noticing in the reflection that his arm was moving aggressively, his lower lip caught between his teeth before it slipped out, his jaw angrily clenching in a way that made you want to turn around and suck him into oblivion. 

“This ass still needs something.” He spat out through gritted teeth. 

Your mouth opened in wonder as you felt him press his tip to your skin, his hot flesh turning even hotter when he groaned out almost desperately, one hand still on his shaft, milking out his cum. 

“Do you like that, daddy?” You teased, wanting nothing but his fucked out babbling to praise you. 

“Love it, vixen, you nasty little fucker. I’ll put a damn ring on your dirty finger someday.” He muttered, his high almost over, the hand on your mound parting your labia before he slipped in sloppily, some drops of his orgasm ending inside you, while the rest made a sticky mess between the two of you.

He crumbled forward, mouth at your neck, his spine arching up away from you as he kept pushing his hips against yours, chest deflating with heavy breaths. One of your hands removed the fingers still massaging your sex into overstimulation. You were both a sweaty bundle of limbs, exhausted and brainless. 

“I’m so in love with you, ____.” He whispered in your ear. “My perfect baby.” The hand under you slipped to your chest, helping you handle the weight of your upper body. “Can you wait like this a couple seconds? I need to clean you up before we make a mess.”

You nodded sleepily while he stretched towards the closest towel, wetting the cloth under the tap and placing it against your skin as he slipped out. The arm under you helped you rise up, his mouth immediately kissing your cheek. 

“Did I go too hard?” He asked, his free hand touching you in tenderness and devotion, stroking your heated skin. He used a clean corner of the towel to swipe the dirty spots on your behind, then cleaning himself roughly.

“It was amazing.” Your head propped on his shoulder, your neck stressed because of your previous position. 

“Let me take you to the bathtub and ease out the knots on your muscles, yes?” He discarded the cloth and turned you around, kissing you softly and fondly. “I’m so proud of you.” He kissed you again. “You’re amazing.” He pressed his mouth to your forehead, “and now I wanna take care of you.”

He took off your corset with care, knowing how sensitive you were, but also how tired your body was, incapable of handling any violent push and pull to undo the garment. 

“Tell me you didn’t ruin it.” You said, voice imploring. 

“No. I was careful. I still regret ruining that La Perla I got you for your birthday. The colour looked so good on you.” He blushed, completely oblivious that two minutes ago he had been an unbelievably sexy, self-confident man spanking you and ruining your orgasm without the smallest hesitation. 

“I feel so spoiled, I took a bath this afternoon.” You murmured, thinking of all the wasted water. 

“Would you prefer a shower?” He asked, already closing the tap.

You nodded. Your muscles were sore but your conscience was still awake.

Opening the enormous shower he loved so much, he helped you sit down on the wide seat on the wall, flinching as the cold marble made contact with your bruising skin. 

Namjoon looked at you with wide eyes, feeling sorry for the pain you were feeling because of his selfishness. 

“Can I make it better?” He asked, caressing your face gently before pushing your hair back. His concerned tone made your insides melt. 

“I think that having a proper orgasm with your tongue between my legs would help.”

“You’re a spoiled brat. Never gonna learn.” He tried sounding angry, but the smile on his face told you otherwise. “You’re lucky I love you.”

You opened your legs wide as he kneeled before you. “You mentioned putting a ring on it, Joonie.” You teased, the inside joke between the two of you now sounding way too serious after he said it in that context, with that voice just an orgasm ago. 

“Careful or I’ll wife you.” He kissed your inner thigh, biting playfully. “Fill you up with babies.” He bit the other side. “Have you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.”

“Please do, kind sir.” You begged, laughter spilling from your mouth.

He positively laughed at that, his fit of giggles tickling your skin. You were overflowing with love for him.

“Sounds shady coming from a lady who was flirting with the waiter at dinner just tonight.” He started sucking at your skin, the tissue bruising easily after his harsh treatment. “Do you think I forgot?”

Here he was again: gone Joonie, welcome daddy. “I’m sorry.”

He laughed sarcastically against your other thigh, now just a couple centimetres away from your heat. “Do you think he could have done you like that?” His hand grasped your breast, squeezing it viciously. “Like I did tonight?”

“No, daddy.” Your mouth opened as he started rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger. 

“Do you think he could discipline you?” He asked, his voice matching the love bite on the soft skin of your crotch where your thigh met your pelvis. 

“Of course no, daddy.” You repeated, shifting delicately in your seat to accommodate his mouth.

“Good.” He perched your legs on his shoulders, then his tongue licked your labia forcefully, your flesh and his adhering perfectly, the bridge of his nose rubbing your clit deliciously. 

The angle was difficult, and if it hadn’t been for the whole sink ordeal, you would have probably balanced yourself on your arms and used your hips to fuck his face midair, but from the way he was looking at you, you could tell Namjoon knew he couldn’t trust your body like that tonight, the risk of you slipping because of a lousy grip or tired muscles too high. 

Much to your dismay, he parted his mouth from your cunt, meeting your gaze. You loved seeing how blissful he got when he was using his mouth between your legs, his brain too focused to think of anything else. It was his go-to stress reliever.

“Hold tight. Be careful.” He said with intention, as he moved an arm behind your back and brought you closer to his face, making you plant your feet on the ground as he laid down on the empty floor. With some attentive adjustments, following his lead, you ended up straddling his face, his head luckily away from the stream of water falling from the shower head. 

“I need you to ride daddy’s face, little vixen. Show me how much you wanna belong to me.” He teased with a dark growl. 

“That sounds so good daddy!” You squealed enthusiastically. “I’m going to make you so proud.” You promised, smiling at him before his mouth latched on you, his arms snaking around your waist and dragging you down. 

“I’m so happy when you lick me, daddy.” You said, voice mischievous, while he enthusiastically picked up his pace.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world.” His tongue lashed on your clit mercilessly as he kept pumping your most sensitive part with the muscles of his cheeks, hollowing them with the force of his movement. 

“I’ll learn...” Your breath caught in your lungs. “I’ll be so good to you.” 

His hands helped you balance yourself attentively, chasing your high, until you felt your eyes closing, the room spinning around you and your hips moving on their own command, your climax already possessing you. 

“Daddy, please, that’s...” The breathiest moan exited your mouth, your arms collapsing, Namjoon’s hands on your hips the only thing keeping you from smashing face first against the tiles. He moved his head with wide sweeps upwards, accompanying you through your high. In the meantime you managed to readjust, your weight now again in control, you eased Namjoon’s arms, thinking of how tired he must be. 

You lifted yourself up, sliding away from his face, down to his lap. 

He was incredibly hard, once more, quite unusually. “Please, let me ride you, daddy.” You tried to persuade him. “I’ll do all the work.” You were literally batting your eyelashes at him. 

He laughed breathlessly. “How can I tell you no, baby, when you sound so nice?”

“Can I?” You pouted. 

“Yes, baby.” He groaned.

You were on him in two seconds, grabbing him, squeezing him gently in your palm -- at which he shut his eyes tight -- and holding his tip towards your entrance, sliding on it flawlessly. 

“You feel amazing, ____.” He breathed from his spot on the floor, still in the same position as you’d left him after your mind-blowing climax.

You moaned out at the sound of your name, going already pretty fast to make sure that you both came as soon as possible. Namjoon’s hands led your vicious pace while your hand, already toying with your core, made sure that you could come to the edge of your third high within a few minutes. “Joonie, tell me you’re close.”

“Keep going, baby, almost there. Use your-- oh that!” His mouth opened, eyes scrunched. “There!” 

You smirked naughtily as you worked him with your kegels, hips gyrating on him.

“Joonie, help.” You called out, noticing that his arms were going slack. 

Exhaustion was getting to the both of you, but as he pushed up, chasing his sensations, you felt the change of angle and in a couple seconds you felt his hot cum fill your every crevice, your own orgasm mixing with his as your upper body collapsed, mouth searching for his neck. “Joonie.”

“Here.” His arms wrapped around you, holding you close as your legs started shaking and giving out. “I’ve got you, ____ baby.”

Your nose brushing against the side of his jaw, teeth scraping gently against the vein on his neck, you let your body be lulled by his breathing. 

“Love, let’s finish this shower and head to bed, yes?” He caressed your hair back, lovingly.

You have little memory of what happened afterwards, except his weight beside you on the mattress, the lights switching off his heartbeat calling you to sleep.

What happens in Far Cry 5? I literally only know about it through your posts

Uhhh, okay so this is gonna be a little long but here goes. So, Far Cry games are always you (some PC, changes per game) vs some dictator/cult leader/mass gang leader type sitch. Apparently 4 also ends with an unhappy ending no matter what, but no other game ends remotely like 5 does, and 5 also is the only one to take place in the US or vs Americans.

So, Far Cry 5 takes place in Montana. Basically, there’s a doomstay offshoot-‘Christian’ extremist cult calling themselves Project at Eden’s Gate, following a white dude named Joseph Seed and his siblings (biological brothers Jacob and John, and adopted [kind of – more like recruited to fill a cult role] sister Faith). You play as a rookie deputy from rural Montana, going on this assignment with Deputies Pratt and Hudson, Sherriff Whitehorse, and US Marshal Burke. You begin the game headed to the cult’s center to arrest their leader, Joseph, because a guy in the cult livestreamed a little of a service secretly to try and expose them, was caught, and had his eyes ripped out by Joseph and then was killed on the stream, so you’re there to arrest him. Mostly law enforcement are afraid to go in because it’s several thousand radical insane Americans with SMGS in a cult in the middle of fuckall nowhere Montana, so yeah. Anyway. You show up and arrest Joseph, but a bunch of his followers (PEGies for project at eden’s gate) swarm the helicopter and you crash and the correspondent at the sheriff’s office is working with the cult, so all of you get grabbed initially, except the PC, who gets grabbed not by the cult but by a stranger. You wake up tied to a bedpost and confronted by the stranger who debates a second then decides to let you go and try to fight the cult instead of turning you in, and introduces himself as Dutch. He gives you a breakdown of what stuff is like here, which is, uhhhh, bad. Basically, the people here are trapped because they’ll get kidnapped trying to leave, but the cult comes for everyone eventually. John physically abuses/tortures people into accepting the whole cult “power of Yes” thing and confessing their ‘sins,’ which he then tattoos on their body, then cuts the slab of skin off their chest to staple to his wall, which is part of their initiation into the cult, as is the torture, forced baptism, and implied sexual assault by him as well. Joseph has given your coworkers to a sibling each, respectively, sans the Sheriff, who was sent to one but escaped like you did. John has Hudson, the only female deputy (unless the PC is playing as woman as well). Faith has the Marshall and was supposed to get the Sheriff, and Jacob has Pratt. You want to save your friends and Dutch wants to help, but also asks you to help the people in the community, so you do.

Basically, the cult has many ways of converting people, but also kill a fuck ton of civilians. There’s a lot of times you’ll be driving down a road and see a civilian tied up with their hands behind their back on their knees and two cultists about to execute them (usually someone who tried to flee whose car they ran off the road), and you have a very failable but potential chance to save them. A lot of these people can become your NPC companions as well and help you fight the cult if you do. I’ve gotten very good at sniping, because if a cultist sees you coming, they’ll execute any prisoners so you have no chance to save them. Definitely saved hundreds of people at this point, but it wasn’t easy. Anyway. Also you’ll see vans of prisoners being carted off (usually one or two from a house at a time), and you can shoot the driver and save them if you’re careful. But a lot of the time you show up to try to help people to find them already murdered, or hung up like a scarecrow in a field with flowers stuffed into their emptied stomach, being used for target practice. On an alter, or hung from a ceiling with deer horns tied to them. Staked through on the side of the road with a cult cross. Starved or shot to death in cages. It’s pretty grim.

Anyway, so you go around answering calls for help, doing your best to slowly track down your friends, but also help all the poor suffering people being murdered and abused by this awful cult. There are random NPCs who can be companions, plus specialists, who are more quest-designed-to-be-met characters. These include Jess, Dutch’s niece, who you find in a cage to be shipped to Jacob for psychological torture and brainwashing (I’ll get to him), a puma I loved named Peaches, a pilot named Nick who is just trying to get his family out of town and resist the cult’s attempts to steal his property or buy it out (they stole or bought land and stuff from /everyone/ and took advantage of/ransacked the whole community), but will stay to help you, and a puppy named Boomer whose family called for help that came to late and were shot to death in front of him. You find him in a cage being kicked at by cultists and save him, and watch him go cry over his dead family, then take in as your own.  

Stuff goes better, though, and you make progress. There’s a lot of strongholds you can help protect, like a little town where the resident preacher and the bar owner lady are trying to keep the whole place from being overrun by the cult, and a jail up east where the sheriff and a bunch of survivors/rebels are holed up trying to survive Faith. Basically the area is broken up into three districts, and whichever you complete missions in, you get closer to a fight with that Seed sibling (also you get kidnapped and have to listen to them monologue so much. Kill me).

So John will kidnap you and force baptize you, tie you to a chair and tell you how he’s going to torture (and implied assault) you until you scream out your sins, then you escape but he does all that to Hudson, who you can’t save for another chunk of time, and he punishes brutally and is super fucked up by the time you finally rescue her. She tells you that Joseph (the leader—thinks he is God’s chosen prophet and calls himself “the Father”) would come and watch her and the others be tortured and they’d beg for mercy and he’d just stand there and watch. She’s super messed up but alive, and you’re able to get her out and kill John, but not before he kidnaps you and the preacher, bar lady, and Nick the family man, then forces Nick to confess his sins (under threat of awful shit happening to his wife and infant daughter if he does not), and then be held down and have his chest flesh cut off by John and stapled to a wall. You get forcibly tattooed with a sin but escape before suffering the same bc the preacher keeps a gun in his bible. Anyway. Digressing. You eventually kill John and rescue Hudson.

Over in Jacob’s territory, people are inducted into the cult by being kidnapped, psychologically and physically tortured, and straight up mind-controlled to go into fits of rage at a specific song being played. They are pitted against each other in some eugenicist “only the strong survive, sacrifice the weak” bullshit. There’s a militia called the Whitetails there, fighting back. Before you meet them, though, you’re kidnapped by Jacob and strapped to a chair, then subjected to psychological torture to try to condition you to kill the weak. You wake up days later, barely alive, left for dead having seemed to resist/fail his trials, still strapped to a chair. Among a ton of other dead bodies. Some of the Whitetails show up, looking for survivors, expecting none, and find you. Though everyone else protests it is too big a risk and you might be brainwashed, one guy, Eli, orders the others to take you anyway and says he won’t leave you to die. You pass out and wake up again on a couch in a bunker, and a lady screams about you being a risk and needing to go, but Eli defends you again, then gives you something to drink and takes care of you/nurses you back to health and defends you from the more paranoid members. When you’re up again, he introduces you to the militia fighting Jacob’s people, and asks for your help rescuing some people in the same situation you were in. You then start to work with the Whitetails.

Periodically, your PC gets kidnapped by Jacob again and tortured each time/brainwashed. You escape with help from the militia and from Pratt, later, who was kidnapped and broken by Jacob, but isn’t gone, just terrified and fucked up. Deputy Pratt risks his life to rescue you when you’re in trouble and you try to escape together, but the brainwash song plays and he shoves you onto a convoy so you can escape, but doesn’t make it himself before snapping into a rage, and is recaptured, brutally punished and tortured by Jacob, and then left tied to a chair to starve to death in a cell for what he did. The player is captured again, and railroaded into, in one of the brainwashed fits of rage, killing Eli himself. : (  They then snap out of it, and infuriated and anguished, go to kill Jacob and save Pratt. Pratt is still alive, but super psychologically scarred. You kill Jacob.

I should note here that you can do the sibs in any order—for example, I did Faith’s first—but I am listing them in their kind of ‘suggested’ order. John, Jacob, Faith.

So, Faith. The way she gets people is drugs. She uses a compound she calls “Bliss” to drug people out of their minds. After you are drugged up enough, you suffer irreparable brain damage and cannot be cured. She does this to hundreds of people so that the cult can have “happy little slaves” to do all the hard work and meat-shield shit they need without ever fighting back or questioning it. You are kidnapped by her as well, multiple times. Or something??? With Faith you always hallucinate, so it’s really unclear and kinda bullshit. Anyway. You help the Sheriff and everyone holed up in the jail fight off a wave of cultists, keep doing your rescue poor civilians from awful deaths or lives as drugged up vegetable slaves. Faith keeps trying to win you over and get you to do her awful pilgrimage where people climb up a giant statue of Joseph and trust-fall jump off his bible to their deaths. This whole game and cult is really horrific. Eventually, you find the Marshal and save him, but he is really far gone. He’s hospitalized in the jail for a while after. Faith gets pissed at you after that and quits trying to win you over. Just drugs you and shows you how she’s mind controlling the Marshal, who is still under too much of her brain damage and control, into murdering one of his friends, then opening the gates to the jail so her people can get in, and then shooting himself in the head. The Marshal always does so and dies, as does one of his/your friends. And a ton of people at the jail. You run to try to save the Sheriff after helping the survivors at the jail, and fight Faith, who whines about how none of this is her fault the whole time after making the Marshal murder your friend and himself with her own hands while giggling at you about how it’s all your fault five minutes ago, and tries to get you not to kill her. You do, though, and she monologues about Joseph being the real deal, then dies. You find the sheriff almost drugged to the point of no return in a cell, going to hang himself to death while singing Amazing Grace while you can’t do shit to get into the room to stop him, but awake and himself enough inside to plead with you to shut off the gas pumps for the drugs before he hangs himself, before going back to smiling and singing and pulling up a chair under a noose. You run to shut off the gas, save him, blow up the bunker, and get out.

Joseph then kidnapps all your ally characters and drugs them with Bliss into being on his side and rants at you about how all their torture and death is your fault and you are awful for murdering his siblings, then offers to let people go if you walk away. You can do so, in which case your allies get in a car with you, only for the son that triggers rage and homicide in Pratt and the PC to play, implying before the cut to black that the deputy (and Pratt maybe) kill all your friends/each other.

If you resist Joseph, he shrieks at you about not all problems being solved by a bullet, and you have a boss fight where you save your friends/snap them out of it, then defeat Joseph.

Once he’s in cuffs, a nuclear bomb goes off because apparently in this world North Korea bombs the US just then or some shit, and you try to make it to Dutch’s bunker in time. You’re in a car crash and all the other deputies and the sheriff are instantly killed. You are unconscious and dragged away by Joseph. You wake in the bunker tied to a bed with Dutch’s body on the floor, and Joseph tells you he was a prophet and was right about the collapse and you’re his family now because his old one is dead and the game ends.

 That’s it.

And in the DLC for it, that makes not only that the canon end, but that the Deputy joins Joseph and is converted to a cult follower by him, and Joseph is now an ally character leading the remnants of his cult.

 Needless to say, I am pissed. This is the /only/ Far Cry game where the villain wins regardless, as well as the only one where they suddenly decide to …??? stan??? the torturing abusive brainwashing serial killer? And of course it’s the one in America where the enemy is a hyper-religious Christian-offshoot cultist brainwashing vile serial torture murdering messiah-complex gaslighting abusive white man who thinks he’s God. I am beyond disgusted by that choice in this game and glad I found out before finishing it; wish I had never played any at all. I cannot adequately describe to you how horrific the cult shit is, and how like, gaslit by the company I feel for having played this game and being thrown that. I think this is legitimately the most upset I’ve ever been about a video game’s writing choice. What the actual fuck. Like, I cannot describe to you enough how fucked up this is you’d have to see the shit they do that’s getting pushed in a face-heel turn by the company as somehow justified and sympathetic like. As someone who has firsthand both experienced and seen trauma from an over-religious area of the US, and just a tiny % over-religious-lead-terrible-actions? I cannot emphasize enough how disgusted and enraged I am.

Yugioh S4 Ep 11: Rafael’s Lian Yu Experience

Ah, lets tune into Yugioh where Duke has decided to do some off-roading in the worst car and in the worst place.

Ah yes, the normal interaction you would have with a desert and your expensive vintage car. Duke has been struggling since he became a protagonist to stick to a defining trope. Now that Serenity is gone, and now that they aren’t watching a duel for Duke to be a downer about, I guess his only other tick is that he sucks at driving?

Again there was a perfectly serviceable truck back at the RV but they just really like to put miles on this car (which doesn’t have it’s lights on I believe, which...good job, Duke).

And he just launches these two inexplicably out of the car. Because Yugi might be losing his whole damn soul on the other end of this desert, but we will have cartoon shenanigans, damn it.

It really does look like Dukes looking through the wrong side of his binoculars here...that extra level of Duke.

Speaking of extra level, hows that horse thing going? Where Yugi is riding a horse for the first time in his entire life?

Because, apparently the show has decided that Yami should be really good at horses (????????). He can’t read any Egyptian, he doesn’t have any memories of his Pharaoh life, he can barely use magic, but apparently, he can game a horse. Only problem, is that this art team of high octane vehicle enthusiasts seems totally unaware of how horses work---I’ll just show you. This scene GOES places, and I will absolutely record it so you can watch it in it’s entirety in a separate post.

(see more horse under the cut)

The horses leg didn’t move the entire slide down the mountain y’all, he just stuck one hoof in front of him and power-slid down a freakin cliff like he was wearing horse Wheelies.

What the Hell?

Anyway, welcome to our new dueling platform.

You wouldn’t believe it, but it’s on a very tall thing. I know, in this show? They’re dueling on a tall thing? Whaaaaat?

This is a hilariously weirdly perfectly cylindrical land mass 10/10.

So Rafael’s whole deal is so freakin weird.

Rafael’s a weirdo. I was ready for Alister, since Alister introduced himself in a Maximilian Pegasus suit, but I just wasn’t expecting Rafael to be the weirdEST youknow? Of the three? Like he’s up there with Arcana and the band-saw ankle-slicing machine. Just a really choice human being who makes really good decisions.

God bless this artist’s obsession with edgy cargoes.

Anyways, another fun fact about Rafael is he gets more and more jacked with every single frame it feels--his muscles are like the quality to go fight Cell, but all he does is play cards.

Also he’s obsessed with justifying mass murder on a global scale so...he seems a little bit like an X-men villain in that way, except he’s...just a normal ass dude who got really buffed.

Rafael needs a reason to want to destroy all humanity--that’s really the big dilemma that the writing crew was given, but the way they got there...was a lot.

Lets dive right into it, starts off kind of normal, run of the mill “gotta cleanse the world yada yada” and then just starts somersaulting down a steep hill like in Princess Bride.

First of all, the show decides to reveal to us the entire story via a Rebecca google search, and then, once we’re like WTF? we get to hear it in it’s entirety and it is way weirder the second time.

So um...this Titanic cruise ship.

Yeah. I know. That’s a lot of Princess Peach dresses.

(welcome back, glass of OJ that every child on this show drinks with every meal)

Honestly there is no greater curse in this show than being rich. If you’re a rich dude you are SCREWED. Some force of nature is going to come for you just at any possible moment. You will get abducted....MANY TIMES. You will lose your parents, repeatedly. Your wife will die shortly after marriage. Some asshole will walk up and just remove your eyeball and replace it with a magic golf ball. You will never be the best at cards. Just never be rich in the Yugioh universe. It is better to be dead.

Speaking, of dead--just did a Rebecca-brand google search--do you know how many people fit on an average cruise liner?

It’s more than you think.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo that’s about 3000 people! Just nonchalantly! (and yo, I went mid-range, some cruise liners carry like 6000)

We passed so many 69′s just now!

Now there is some weird issues with this episode where Rebecca was like “The only survivor was Rafael” and then later, Rafael mentions his family is still alive--kinda sounds like the translation shenanigans are back at it, where the English version is desperately trying to keep people from dying, but like, the Japanese version drew a 600 ft tidal wave that ate up this cruise-liner like it was a bathtub toy made of paper.

But sure, maybe some escape boats made it out safely from a catastrophe that is 800 times worse than the Titanic. Sure they did.

PS History Channel got into a weird trend in the 00′s where they used to do these series of rogue wave horror stories--do you remember those? Anyways, one of my friends got super spooked by rogue waves and had it as one of her top ten fears. At the time I was like “lol you’re not gonna get rogue waved on a cruise are you kidding?” But then again, maybe she watched Yugioh and this episode scarred her for life?

Especially since this crazy traumatic experience was followed by three years of being stranded on an island and going COMPLETELY insane. Like not just...partial--Rafeal has absolutely no grip on reality anymore. Like, at all. He’s on another plane from most other Yugioh villains.

It’s like Lord of the Flies but there’s only one person in it. The Lord of the Fly.

This is a kid’s show.

Anyways, on the island, Rafael got hella jacked. So there was that one plus. He did eventually become a very huge person in his adulthood, although he did get a Mokuba haircut for a little while. This honestly says more about Mokuba’s hair routine than anything else.

He also spent some time seeing his lost family members as these three cards that he likes to pray to. Occasionally they fall into the ocean and he has to dry them off. Rafael lived a kind of boring weird life cycling between hallucinations and staring into the ocean.

The show didn’t bother to tell us what Rafael was eating or explain how that outfit lasted 3 years. But, they did describe that after 3 ENTIRE YEARS, Darts decided to just start harassing him.

Which...OK...and then there was this next sequence

I mean this was the only interaction that Rafael had in three years so maybe he forgot that getting drowned by people who harness the power of the ocean isn’t like...good behavior?

Anyways, back in the real world, in the city and wearing his hot topic grunge vest well into his early 30′s, Rafael decided that everyone just...deserves to die. Traffic sucks. Cities sucks. There’s too much crime. Everyone should be dead. It was very strange and sudden twist. You go from having all the money in the world, to no money, and then back to all the money and it’s like “Central heating SUCKS! KILL EVERYONE!”

Then Rafael made this mention of his family that has to be a translation thing.

Those guys have got to be dead. I mean this is Yugioh. There were no survivors. I’ll be very surprised if they pop up next episode, I’ll even dock them off the Death Count if they never died, I am that certain they won’t still be dead in this upcoming arc. They have clearly been replaced with paper cards. Like I wouldn’t be surprised if their souls were somehow inside these particular cards he carries.

I didn’t cap it, but to walk on the island you walk across a glowing oricalchos bridge and it was very goofy.

And then these guys showed up, reminding me again that they are still on this show, because tbh, I completely forgot.

I kinda miss when they were the weirdest people here and I just thought Rafael was another boring guy in handlebar muttonchops.

Anyway, it’s a short update today. I’m a little behind on things in other places, so that’s fine by me. I keep hoping that soon I’ll be back to doing like 2 of these a week. Especially since I recently decided to start blocking twitter and other places I’ve been wasting a little too much time on, maybe then it’ll funnel my efforts to here? We’ll see. Next episode we’ll find out how long all of these guys wearing jackets in the desert are faring.

And here’s a link to read these from the beginning.

Crocs and Robbers

Toadette and Goombella, two of New Donk Police Department's (or NDPD) finest.

It's a night in New Donk City like any other when they get the call that a certain crocodile crook is causing crimes. Can they apprehend such a slimy sleazebag? (Spoilers: Probably.)

Fandom: Mario Characters: Goombella, Toadette, Croco Rating: G Mirror Links: AO3 Notes: Think of this as a teaser for a much longer Detective Luigi fic I'm working on that will be based in the same universe as this one, and takes place before it. Thousand Year Door and Mario RPG will be represented most here, but there's going to be some slight references to Mario and Luigi: Super Star Saga as well, as that game will play a major part in the longfic that I'll be posting later. Hope you enjoy!

New Donk City moved with its usual hustle and bustle. Neon lights twinkled like the stars in the night sky, or at least Toadette assumed that’s what the stars looked like. Not that she ever saw them here. Toads of every shape and size mingled happily along the sidewalks, with even a few Koopas and Goombas mixed in! Maybe things here in Mushroom District were actually turning around.

“Hey, hey, Toadette!” Goombella yelled, mouthful of shroom crepe, crumbs spilling out with each word. “After our shift, we should totally go shopping! You need some better off-duty clothes, girl! Also, you gotta try this, it’s great!”

“I’m driving!” Toadette complained weakly, but truth be told, she just didn’t want to eat it. It probably wouldn’t look good for a couple of cops to be eating sweets while patrolling. “Plus, I think I dress just fine! It’s comfy! My vest and dress match with my hair, you know?”

“Yeah, but every Toad dresses like that! It’s so basic, y’know?” Goombella completely ignored Toadette’s complaint, holding up the crepe in front of her with her mouth. It wasn’t like she could use her hands.

Toadette tried to mask her expression but felt at least a little heat in her cheeks. To Goombas, mouths were just like their hands. It wasn’t anything weird to them, but it still took some getting used to. Toadette took a tentative bite of it, making sure not to get too close to Goombella’s lips. Sweet creamy vanilla meshed together with light rubbery mushroom, all tied together with a fluffy wrap. It shouldn’t work, but…

“Tastes all right,” Toadette admitted, not exactly a huge fan of mushroom style foods, being a Toad and all. “Is this from Zess T. again? Isn’t she, like, basically holding you ransom for money?”

Neon yellow from a Fire Flower sign hit Goombella’s shocked face, her blonde hair highlighted with red light. “Huh? W-well, I mean, I did step on her contacts… You gotta respect her culinary talents though.”

Toadette frowned. “I don’t like the way she treats you. You’re a cop, you know? People should treat you with respect. Just because you’re not a Toad-”

“She does!” Goombella argued desperately. “Just, um, in her own way. Or else, I don’t think she would have given me this treat.”

Before Toadette could counter with ‘Well you gave her those ingredients to make it!’ a raspy Toad voice screeched out from the radio.

“All units, all units! There is a robbery in progress at Dixie Orphanage over at the intersection on Dixie and Cranky Street! Suspect goes under the name of Croco and is reportedly armed and dangerous!”

“What the heck?”

“What the hell!?” Goombella practically spat out her crepe. “Orphanage? Who the hell robs an orphanage?! I knew Croco was low, but this?!”

Toadette wracked her brain. She should know this one, she really should! But… just in case. “Uh, who is Croco again?”

Goombella shook her head. This kind of thing always came so easily to her. Goombella knew everyone and everyone knew her. Toadette didn’t understand how this could be.

“He’s that purple skinned crocodile! He’s partners with Popple! You know, the self-proclaimed shadow thief? They’re a bunch of jerks who’ll do anything for a quick coin! Apparently, even stealing from an orphanage. Croco’s known for his bombs, so it’s best we keep a safe distance. Also!” Goombella seemed to get really offended at this part. “That freak wears crocodile skin crocs! Can you believe it? Totally messed up, and totally tacky!”

Like always, that was a little more information than Toadette needed, but she appreciated it anyway. Before she could hit the sirens, her phone vibrated in her pocket. She quickly glanced at the message.

Yahoo! Hiya, Toadette! Just lettin’ you know I’m gonna be out late tonight! Gonna go explore some old building by Smithy’s territory! Heard a rich old Boo used to haunt the place, so there’s probably treasure! Don’t call the cops on me if I’m not in time for breakfast at Shimi’s lol. -C. T.

“Eh? Who is it?” Goombella asked anxiously, gobbling the crepe down quickly. She really wanted to hit the siren button.

“Just my brother,” Toadette sighed. “Going out to explore some haunted house by Smithy’s. I’ll call him back later.”

Goombella frowned, the effect less powerful when she had whipped cream around her lips. “Hey, you sure he’ll be okay? That’s not a safe part of the city, y’know?”

Toadette quickly put away her phone. “The Captain’s always fine, you know him. He’s done stupider things. Anyway, we really should get going! I want to show Chief Toadstool we don’t need Mario’s help for everything!”

“Ohmigosh, I know!” Goombella said excitedly, bonking the siren button with glee. Red and blue lights swirled above, and already cars were moving out of their way. “Peach never thinks I can do anything! She always credits you!” She rummaged under her seat.  “Hold on, grabbing the mushroom.”

Grinning, Toadette slammed her foot down on the pedal, deftly weaving through the streets. “I know, I know, the Chief still has a little trouble with Goombas,” Toadette said, drifting left through an intersection, the blaring sirens filling her with adrenaline. “But she’s warming up to you! Honest!”

Goombella hopped back up onto her seat, red speckled mushroom held daintily in her mouth. “Psh, don’t I know it. Even took you a while to trust me.” It was hard to tell what with the world spinning around in flashes of light and sound, but Toadette felt a hint of sadness there. “I’m glad I can help with the Goomba rep though, y’know?” She grinned. “Anyway, you ready to boost, girl?!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

With an excited huff, Goombella stuffed the rubbery thing inside a little tube on their dashboard. Instantly, the engines exploded with power, and the exhaust rumbled as their little cop car shot out of the streets and dangerously into the night air.

“Woo ho ho hooo!! Yeah!!” They screamed in unison, barreling towards whatever criminal thought he could cause trouble in their city.

Tires screeched, and car doors slammed. The orphanage was illuminated in the color of justice, red and blue. As per usual, Ted N. Toad was the first to arrive, but also the last to actually do anything. Luckily for Toadette, he had at least set up some police tape and was hooting and hollering at any passersby to stay away.

“What’s the situation, Ted?” Toadette asked the worried looking Toad, hands at her hips.

“H-he’s got the kids and Monster Mama hostage!” Ted said, stumbling over his words. “I-I would have gone in there and handled this myself, but I left my bazooka at home…”

“Sure,” Goombella said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. A very powerful move, considering most of her body was eyes. “You say that every time, Ted.”

Other Toads didn’t take well to Goombella’s sass. “H-hey! I would have! Really! Where’s your bazooka then, huh?”

Goombella didn’t back down to them. Not anymore. Toadette was here. “Don’t need one. Isn’t that right, Toadette?”

Toadette nodded smugly, her hand motioning around the glowing Fire Flower in its holster at her side. Goombella may not have been issued her NDPD (New Donk Police Department) Fire Flower like everyone else, but Toadette would be damned if they’d give her crap about it. A bonk from Goombella hit way harder than a Fire Flower ever would anyway.

“W-well, whatever!” Ted whined, pouty face at full force. “Things are a mess right now. His demands are insane! I have no idea what we should do!”

“What’s he want?” Toadette asked, already afraid to hear the answer.

“A million coins!” Ted cried, throwing his hands up in the air dramatically. Are us Toads always like this? Toadette thought to herself.

“A million?!” Goombella repeated angrily. “The Dixie Orphanage barely makes ends meet as it is! Monster Mama relies on donations to keep it open! What the hell is Croco thinking?!”

Hearing the commotion outside, a slimy voice oozed out into the streets from the orphanage. “Nyah, see, it’s a great plan you maroons!” Through one of the windows, the purple croc stuck a megaphone cautiously, his cliché voice echoing out for everyone to hear.

“Ain’t nobody wants to see a buncha kids explode, see? You pigs’ll pay up! And, AND! If ya don’t, I bet that big palooka, Bowser, will, see? Buncha little Goomba kids and Koopa kids in here! That jerk’s LOADED!”

“You slimy freak!” Goombella yelled back, hopping up onto one of the police cars. “Bowser talks big, but he’d sooner smash you and the orphanage just to shut you up! If you keep talking like that, there’s gonna be an army of Koopatrol’s out here, busting down the door!”

“S-should she be talking to him like that…?” Ted whispered.

“It’s fine,” Toadette replied. “She knows what she’s doing when it comes to speaking.”

“But, uh… antagonizing the guy holding a bomb to an old lady and kids?...”

“Shhh, Ted.”

Croco’s voice broke over the megaphone and an old lady’s raspy voice made it out during his shocked state. “…see I told you…” followed by an overly loud “Quiet, ya wise guy!”

“Toadette, hand me a megaphone will ya?” Goombella said in a hushed tone. Toadette retrieved it quickly from their car, propping it up in front of Goombella. “Thanks.” She cleared her throat.

“Hey, Croco! So where’s your pal, Popple, eh? Not like you to go out on your own!”

The gator’s eyes swiveled back to the window, his pupils sharp as his teeth. “Why should I tell ya nothin, ya dumb broad!?” He hissed into the megaphone, making sure to puff his cigar out the window for everyone to see. “Popple was busy, see? Said he had more important things to do than rob an orphanage! Can you believe the nerve of that guy?”

Goombella grinned a toothy grin to Toadette, one that only they could see. “Oh, really? Why’s that?”

Croco was clearly getting worked up talking about his partner, leaning outside the orphanage’s window. “Said he had some bigwig to talk to! What’s a bigwig want with a thief likes us, eh? He just doesn’t wanna hang out anymore, I bet!”

Goombella nodded along, but her eyes locked onto Toadette’s. She was giving her a signal. Her eyes glanced at the front door of the orphanage. The place only had two floors, and certainly wasn’t well fortified. Next to all the other tall buildings, the orphanage looked like an on old sack of potatoes left to soak in the rain.

Toadette cautiously stepped forward, making sure to stay out of Croco’s eyesight. He was busy complaining. She gripped the stem of her Fire Flower tight, feeling the heat of its petals burning the air around her. One wrong move, and everything could come burning down. Literally and figuratively.

“Yeah, Popple always has been a totally bossy jerk, hasn’t he?” Goombella said. The way she talked about the guy, it was so strange, it was like she really knew everything about him. “Gets angry at the drop of a hat, too, right? Bet you hate having him as a partner sometimes.”

“Ugh, yeah!” Croco groaned, opening up the window just a little more, cigar now held casually between his scaly fingers. “Literally, too! I drop my hat off while we was muggin’ some chump last week, see? Guy blows a gasket! Starts callin’ me a big dumb palooka, sayin’ I don’t respect the job!”

Toadette used this time to reach for the door. Flimsy. Felt like she could rip it off its hinges pretty easily. But also locked. Croco wasn’t that stupid. She turned to Goombella who was chattering away with Croco like a gossipy school girl and motioned a fist silently at the door. Goombella nodded.

“OhmiGOSH!” Goombella shrieked into the megaphone. “TELL me about IT! My BOSS is TOTALLY the SAME WAY sometimes, Y’KNOW?”

Croco rubbed a slimy finger into his ears, cringing at the horrible static noise coming from Goombella’s megaphone. “Yeah, I know, but do ya gotta scream about it, ya dumb broad? Geez. Thought I heard somethin’ too…” He turned back away from the window for a moment. “Hey, old hag, you trip or somethin’? Keep quiet!”

Toadette let out a sigh of relief, brushing off the splinters from her uniform. The door had fallen apart like a wet pile of twigs at her tackle, and thanks to Goombella, it seemed Croco was none the wiser.

“Man, and just who is Popple to tell you off like that?” Goombella went on, her voice carrying that strange attentiveness. Toadette hoped she never faked it like that with her. “In front of a dude you’re robbing, too? Like, hello!? Embarrassing much?!”

“Oh yeah! And get this…” Croco continued, completely lost in her storm of gossip. At least Toadette knew she should be fairly safe. For now. She’d have to act fast. Gossip only stayed interesting for so long.

Three pairs of eyes gazed out of a doorway at Toadette’s sneaking form. Each eyeing a different part of her. One on her badge, one on her pigtails, and one on her Fire Flower. Goomba triplets. They were tiny, even for Goombas. Their age couldn’t even be in double digits yet.

“Heya, lady!” One called out. “Hey, are you here to get that stupid gator guy?” Another said. “He’s a jerk, I hate him! He kept saying to call ‘Uncle Bowser!’” The third whined. “We don’t know him! Our daddy did, but he’s gone! Monster Mama said he’s working for Uncle Bowser.”

If Toadette hadn’t spent so much time with Goombella, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to interact with these little Goomba kids so easily. Being chatty was clearly a Goomba thing, wasn’t it?

“Shhh,” Toadette hushed them softly, nodding along to them. “I am here to get him, but you guys need to be quiet for me, okay? Why don’t you three run along and…” She struggled to think of something. “Play pretend shop or something?”

“But lady!” The third little Goomba whined. “We got nothin’ to sell!” The first one explained. The second one was happy just looking upset and giving Toadette big puppy-dog eyes.

Gah, she didn’t have time for this. Toadette was no good with kids! She had to think fast. She swung her head around, looking for anything in his dingy little building, her pigtails slapping her in the face at the motion. Ow! Stupid things!

…. Oh! Wait!

“Here, sell some mushrooms!” Toadette whispered, undoing the pink mushrooms at the end of her pigtails. Her braids fell apart, pink hair falling at her back, but she saw the way the kids’ eyes lit up and knew she had made the right decision.

“Gee, thanks, lady!” The Goomba triplets said in unison, catching the pink mushrooms in their fangs with ease. Smiles on their faces, they scampered into another room, calling out some other kids to come look at the new stock they got in their store. At least maybe the others wouldn’t be too scared.

Finally, she could make her way up the stairs unhindered. Each stair creaked awfully, but Goombella appeared to have Croco in her chatty clutches.

“So, I says to him, I says…”

“No way! He said that?”

“He did! Like, I get that he takes thieving seriously, but I gots feelings too!”

His voice became clearer and clearer, and Toadette knew she had found the right room. She’d need to end this quickly. Breathing deep, she clutched the doorknob, and swung it open, shouting in her most police-y voice, “Freeze! Claws where I can see ‘em, Croco!”

“Nyeh?!” Croco grunted, cigar falling out of his fangs and onto his crocs. “Yow! W-what’s the big idea!?” He stuttered, staring into the emotionless eyes of a burning Fire Flower. “Y-yous dumb broads! You tricked me! That ain’t fair!”

The old Toad known as Monster Mama quickly scrambled out the doorway past Toadette, whispering her thanks along the way. She’d keep the kids safe. Now it was just him and her here in what looked to be the orphans sleeping quarters.

“Sorry!” Toadette grinned, loving the power that came from a situation like this. “Let’s make this nice and easy, okay?”

“Oh nice!” Croco growled, gritting his fangs together so hard that sparks flew out. “Real nice! Pretend to be my friend, eh? Knew I shouldn’ta trusted nobody but good ol’ Popple! Well, well, tell you what, kid!”

“Stop talking!” Toadette commanded, her hand tensing over the stem. “I told you, put your claws up!”

“Sure, sure,” Croco conceded, lowering his sack of presumably stolen goods to the floor. “I just need to find a way to pay ya back, see?”

“Enough!” Toadette growled, eyeing the wall behind him. “Claws up, now, or I shoot!”

A snarl. A flash of fangs and white. His claws were out and lusting for her neck. “Pay ya back in spades, kid!” He spat, saliva dribbling wildly down his snout as he lunged.

He was quick, but Toadette was quicker. She fired her shot. It missed him.

“Ha, dumb broad!” Croco laughed manically, clearly forgetting the bouncy nature of these fireballs.

Before he could reach her, the flaming ball bounced harmlessly against the wall and back at him, engulfing his tail in hot red. The thug toppled down before her, legs a blur as he ran circles, smoke trailing behind like he was trying to send out a smoke signal. If anyone could read it, it’d probably say, ‘Help, my tail is on fire.’

“Yeowch, my tail’s on fire!” Croco translated helpfully, chasing after his own tail like a dog. Still, even now, he thrashed about, sack and all, pushing Toadette into the center of the bed filled room. She waited till he calmed down, finally having caught his flaming tail, sucking on the thing with tears in his eyes.

“Give up yet?” Toadette huffed, clutching her Fire Flower confidently. “Or should I turn up the heat?” Oh, that sounded cool. She wished Goombella heard that.

“Grrr! You’re a filthy cheat!” Croco hissed. “Well, I can cheat too, see?!” In an impossibly quick motion, he reached into his sack and pulled out a tiny bomb, shaped like a bob-omb. Cute. “Bombs! Never leave home without ‘em.” His fangs splayed wide in a terrifying smile. “Try settin’ me on fire again, dumb broad! See what happens! Blow us all to smithereens!”

Toadette flinched, still keeping the Fire Flower’s gaze at the smug crook. “You’re out of your mind!”

“I’m a bettin’ gator!” Croco growled, eyes glowing wildly in the doorway. “And I bet you can’t do it! Sure, you’ll get me, but you’ll be blowin’ up all the kids too! Boo hoo, ain’t that sad!?”

Her mind was a torrent, her hands were shaking. She had nowhere to run here in the middle of the room. She had no time to think. She messed up. Bad.

“That’s right,” Croco said, his voice low. “That’s what I thought, toots. Now, yous is gonna drop that Fire Flower, real slow, see? And when yous do that, I’m gonna cut ya up into mushroom stew! And then I’m gonna-”

Bonk!

Huh!? Bonk!?

Croco’s body fell to the ground like a pile of fake crocodile-skin wallets, his tongue lolling out of his snout. Goombella landed next to him with a stylish flourish and a wink, her head only slightly bruised where as his was already growing a massive red bump.

“What a sleazebag!” Goombella huffed, looking over his unconscious head. Coins danced around him instead of dazed Power Stars. “God! I’m so glad I got to slug him after talking to him so long! Yuck! Next time, Toadette, you do the talking, and let me do the action stuff.”

“Oh, Goombella!” Toadette cried, running forward and hugging the blonde girl tight. “You saved me! Thank you so much!”

“W-what’s with you?” Goombella’s voice was muffled in their embrace. “I thought that was your plan! Get him in the doorway so I could sneak up and bonk him, y’know?”

Toadette shook her head, smiling so hard it hurt. She kept squeezing Goombella in her arms like she was a big soft plushie. “Nope! I didn’t mean to do that at all!”

“Ohmigosh, you ditz!” She laughed, now finally accepting the hug more. Toadette’s pink hair fell onto hers making them a big mess of sweat, tangled hair, and maybe some tears. But that’s okay. Goombella wouldn’t tattle that part. It was tough to let go, but Toadette decided it’d probably be good to let Goombella breathe.

Her cuffs made a satisfying clink! as Toadette snapped them over Croco’s limp wrists. Just in case.

“Peach is gonna flip when she sees you nabbed Croco!” Goombella cooed, gathering up his body onto her head, carrying him out of the orphanage with ease.

“When she sees we nabbed, Croco!” Toadette corrected, opening the car door and stuffing him in like a bunch of old socks and sandals into a closet. “I couldn’t have done it without you!”

“Aw, she’ll never believe I did anything.”

“I’ll make her believe it if I have to!”

Goombella looked down at her feet. “You totally don’t have to do that.”

“I don’t, but I want to.” Toadette nodded, her hair feeling weird against her neck. Maybe Goombella’d help her braid it back to normal again after.

She turned to the dumbfounded Ted N. Toad, who looked like a bazooka had gone off right in his face. “Take care of this for us, will ya, Ted?”

“U-uhm! Y-yes ma’am! I’ll, um! Get statements and clean up and let everyone know we’re good here!”

“Thanks.”

When they got back into their car, Goombella grinned towards Toadette. “I totally heard your corny line, by the way. About ‘turning up the heat.’” She giggled. “That was GREAT.”

“Oh my gosh, don’t tease me!” Toadette whined playfully. “It sounded cool in my head!”

“Sure, sure, whatever you say, girl!” Goombella laughed as their car pulled back out into the bustling streets of New Donk City. Just like always, the neon lights greeted her with their alluring twinkling. “But after this, we so gotta go shopping, okay?!”

“Aw, c’mon! I gotta be up early to meet my brother for breakfast! How about tomorrow night?”

“Okay, okay, fine!” Goombella agreed happily.

It wasn’t long before their conversations returned, talking about this and that, and what tomorrow might bring them. Toadette was glad she had such a good partner, glad she had someone to share these lonely drives with. Maybe she’d miss their shopping spree or whatever, but there was always tomorrow. Goombella and this city would always be there waiting for her tomorrow.

Massive Update: June 13-July 9th 2018

Jun 13, 2018, 4:32:53 AM So on June 12th I turned 31.

The following story was an event that made my day absolutely terrible and made me emotionally unstable and unable to leave the house, so it made for a very shitty birthday due to what happened.

Around Midnight, just as the 12th hit, my dad revealed to me (over Facebook Messenger..) that my stepmom has cancer that has spread to her lungs but from where they do not know. His exact words were : "Oh and bad time to tell you this but [stepmom's name] has cancer, we just found out today."

I started crying when I read this, and he continued to tell me that they need to find out where it is so it can be treated and that she has appointments all week, along with my nephew not knowing about it. I shut my phone off after this and fully broke down to the point where I was still crying as I fell asleep.

Fast forward to 11:22am :

After hearing the news that my stepmom had cancer, my mood went straight to hell, and I messaged my dad over Facebook Messenger. Following are the texts that were exchanged:

Me: Not really wanting to do anything for my birthday today. There's nothing I can think of that I want to do so I'm just going to stay at home today and relax.

Dad: you don't want to come down for pizza or anything?

Me: You guys could always come up here. I don't really have the mental energy to leave the house today.

Dad: if want want to sit at home and stew in your shit what ever we have to babysit some kids later Happy BIRTHDAY

Me: ....that was not nice, dad

Dad: Well what do you except we try and do something nice and you don't want to you are talking to [stepmoms kids] years ago (I think he was comparing me to them? I don't know...dad is confusing when he types.)

if you want to come down fine if not dont.

THEN he posted after I posted a status of "Not really wanting to out today despite it being my birthday" I just want to stay at home today and game."

Dad: we did invite you out but you don't so I will eat the cake my self.

Keep in mind, I had already broken down that day, and was already unstable. After all this happened, I broke down a lot, I lost count of how many breakdowns I had yesterday, and I slept a lot as well, I was so unstable and upset that I couldn't really leave my bed, I didn't eat until at least 10pm or so, and that was just Crunchy Fajita TAKIS and Peach Peace Tea.

I'm still very bitter over it now and I'm just sick and tired of being treated like shit and made to feel like whatever decision that contradicts my parents' is wrong.

I hate it...I absolutely hate it and I feel like I'm the bad guy even when I know I'm not and it's just fucking ridiculous how toxic things have gotten.

Like..how can he justify any of this and his attitude towards everything? It's sickening.

I'm lucky I have friends and my girlfriend. I leaned on them heavily today for support, because I really needed it, and I still do. I am very bitter, upset, and angry. I'm not crying anymore, I'm just at the point where I don't think I can cry unless something tips me over emotion-wise.

So...yeah...

That was a fucking awesome birthday =_=

Jun 25, 2018, 4:55:57 PM So the past couple of weeks have been hell. My dad was an ass on my birthday and that made my depression flare along with my anxiety. Unluckily for me it has affected how I work. I also haven't eaten since saturday because I have like....no food in the house and I've been surviving off of sleep and iced tea. I am an unstable, emotional mess and even my manager is worried and suggested I go to a counselor soon.

Welcome to my fucked up life.

July 1st So, starting later on today (sunday) i'm going to visit my cousin and aunt who I haven't seen in a while. It'll be nice to visit them for a couple of days, then I'll be coming home after that and I think it'll be nice to just be around family members that actually care and worry about me. Last Tuesday I went to see Jurassic World and it was pretty awesome. I'm still having my bad days here and there but...maybe this is the universe's way of telling me things are going to be okay? I'm not sure, I don't want to get my hopes up too high after all but...I'm starting to genuinely feel like things are working out just a little.

July 7th So, first of all, I want to say that my Manager is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I have ever worked with. Earlier today at work she and I were talking about the backpacks and talking about which ones we liked, when she mentioned there was only 3 Captain America backpacks still in the back as she knows my love of the Marvel Universe.

I was a bit surprised that we had actually gotten something like that in, and she offered to let me see one, to which I agreed. When she came out with the backpack, I was over the moon with how awesome it was. It had a lined fleece back that could hold your laptop/tablet/whatever, then 8 other pockets with various uses, and when she noticed how much I loved it, she bought it for me as a surprise late birthday gift and it just made me insanely happy.

The backpack, by the way, was originally $169 but with the 50% off and an employee discount, it came out to $66. It's a beautiful, heavy duty backpack with a canvas-type bottom so it's got a lot of durability and I'm over the moon about it. I'm going to be using it a lot and it just...oh man it made my day :D The back is even embroidered!

So yeah, it was a good day n_n

I also worked shipping today, which was really relaxing.

July 9th Yes, it's my stepmom's birthday, she's 63 today and I would have gone down there if it hadn't been for the shitstorm my dad created when he treated me like shit on my birthday. I still haven't forgiven him for it and I don't think I will anytime soon. Who the fuck does he think he is? Does he really think I'm just going to let that go? No. I'm not. Not anytime soon and certainly not within less than a month of when it happened. I understand he's most likely stressed and stuff over the news he got that day...thing is, that doesn't give him an excuse to treat me like shit and make me stressed out as well. Not to mention the news should NEVER be told over a goddamn MESSAGING SERVICE. He's less than a 5 minute drive from me (about a half hour walk) so...why the hell couldn't he just come and tell me after my birthday or something?!

Sorry...getting caught up in the grudge I'm holding.

Anyway, this has stressed me out a bit and I've shut my phone off for now until he gives up. I can't handle him right now, and I shouldn't have to if I don't want to.

2021 Lincoln Navigator is American exceptionalism made manifest

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/2021-lincoln-navigator-is-american-exceptionalism-made-manifest-2/

2021 Lincoln Navigator is American exceptionalism made manifest

Big boi.

Andrew Krok/Roadshow

Why do American automakers flounder when tasked with creating a luxury vehicle that has to compete with the Germans? It always seems like Uncle Sam has a hard time meeting muster when compared to anything beyond his own shores. But no more. The latest Lincoln Navigator dramatically ramps up the effort, bringing a level of fancy-pants-iness that is truly world class.

Like

Plush interior appointments

Interesting color schemes

Quiet, comfortable cruising

Don’t Like

Truckish ride quality sometimes

Thirsty

Loud massagers and other trifles

All of Lincoln’s latest SUVs have really ramped up the effort, but nowhere is that more apparent than on the flagship Navigator in its top Black Label configuration. The Navigator on my driveway carries the new-for-2021 Special Edition package, a $6,695 upgrade that adds more exterior flavor through a black-and-white motif that includes a black roof, a black roof rack, black wheels and a monochromatic grille alongside Pristine White paint. It’s a good look, but man, that’s a big chunk of change for some mild add-ons. No matter the package, though, the Navigator strikes an imposing shadow — and not just because it’s the size of a Chicago brownstone.

The 2021 Navigator Black Label’s interior is amazing. It’s the best-appointed American luxury car I’ve had the pleasure to drive, and it’s every bit as posh as what you’ll find at a Mercedes dealership. This one carries the Black Label “Destination” theme, which is meant to represent French elegance, I think, somehow. But I don’t need a marketing degree to appreciate this stunning full-red leather interior, which plays well with the dashes of similarly colored trim on the dashboard, doors and center console. While the Cadillac Escalade puts in little effort to hide its parts-bin engineering (you can find the steering wheel buttons on, like, half the cars GM makes), every piece of the Navigator feels special, from the metal rocker switches on the steering wheel to the knurled volume knob on the center console. Nearly every surface is either padded or leather-lined.

Usability abounds in the 2021 Navigator. The large center console floats above a sizable stash tray, with two tiers of pockets on each door and a decently large cubby under the center armrest. While you can option a center console to rest between the second-row captain’s chairs, my tester lacks this, making third-row ingress and egress insanely easy. Hanging out back there isn’t a big ask, either, thanks to some spacious proportions; there’s an extra inch of legroom than what you’d find in a similarly equipped Mercedes-Benz GLS-Class, and my 6-foot frame should be comfy back here for hours. The standard-wheelbase Navigator offers about 20 cubic feet of cargo space behind the third row, which is OK, but flipping a couple switches to fold those seats down offers up closer to 60 cubes, expanding to 103 when you minimize the captain’s chairs, too.

Honestly, the 2021 Navigator’s interior is so well thought out that its only apparent flaws are dumb little things that most people probably won’t care about. The infotainment screen bezel is cartoonishly large. The cup holders are surprisingly tiny. The seat massagers are louder than the competition’s. The blinker stalk’s movement is too soft, leading me to miss the three-blink detent. Silly minutiae like that.

One carryover that Lincoln should be proud of is the engine under the hood. The 3.5-liter twin-turbo V6  is the same that you’ll find in the Ford Expedition and F-150, and it’s a peach. Producing 450 horsepower and 510 pound-feet of torque, the Navigator is never left wanting for forward motion, as the six-pot provides a wave of readily available torque that makes the whole shebang feel surprisingly sprightly. The 10-speed automatic transmission moves through the gears smoothly. In a majority of operating conditions, the 2021 Navigator’s ride is properly smooth, with the only real ride-quality issue coming into play over sharp bumps, where you get some body jiggles, which are only exacerbated on my tester thanks to its 22-inch wheels. 

Sure, you could drive it like a monster, but the Navi is best when treated like there are three VIPs in the back. Roll softly onto the gas and make liberal use of the well-tuned brake pedal, and you’ll be rewarded with smooth operation. Its body-on-frame underpinnings also bestow it with some solid capability; check the box for the heavy-duty towing package and you can drag 8,700 pounds from here to Timbuktu.

Luxury is costly, and that includes at the gas pump, too. The 2021 Navigator Black Label is EPA-estimated at 16 miles per gallon city and 20 mpg highway, numbers that I was able to meet but not beat over a couple hundred miles of driving. There’s an Eco-specific mode available to numb inputs and make it easier to be efficient, and it does help a bit. There’s also a Sport mode, which must be some kind of joke I’m not smart enough to get, because under no circumstances should anyone attempt to drive this dwarf planet in any remotely aggressive manner.

Lincoln could’ve leaned much heavier on the Ford parts bin, but in not doing so, the Navigator feels just that much more special.

Andrew Krok/Roadshow

The Navigator’s complement of in-car technology starts dead center on the dashboard with a 10-inch touchscreen display running the latest version of Ford’s Sync software. The on-screen icons are easy to read at a glance, and Ford’s telematics getup is easy to get used to, but you can always rely on Apple CarPlay or Android Auto if you prefer a smartphone-style experience. In addition to the central screen, there’s also a 12-inch gauge display, which sports a minimal layout that I really enjoy, displaying only the most pertinent information. A head-up display reduces distraction even further. When it comes time to charge, there are USB ports in every row, with the foremost occupants treated to both USB-A and USB-C outlets. The Navigator lacks the whiz-bang, dashboard-wide screen experience of the Cadillac Escalade, but it’s still a good setup.

The truck-adjacent side of the automotive industry is no longer bereft of the same safety systems that are found on passenger cars. The 2021 Navigator comes standard with Ford’s Co-Pilot 360 suite of active and passive safety systems, which includes blind-spot monitoring, rear cross-traffic alert, automatic emergency braking with pedestrian detection. Adaptive cruise control with stop-and-go capability is a $695 premium on lower trims, but it becomes standard as you move up the ranks. Of course, the Escalade can one-up the Navigator here with its Super Cruise driver-assist technology.

Hopefully the screen’s bezel is hilariously large because Lincoln intends on upgrading the display size later on.

Andrew Krok/Roadshow

Expectedly, the 2021 Lincoln Navigator is not a budget-friendly conveyance. Its starting price of $77,840 (including $1,295 for destination) only rockets northward when options are taken into account. This Black Label model is about as equipped as it can get, and its $106,115 price tag is quite the pill to swallow, until you realize that the similarly powered Mercedes-Benz GLS580 pretty much starts at the six-figure mark.

If pure luxury (and some capability) is what you’re after, the Navigator stands atop the pile of large luxury SUVs. In terms of outright comfort, the Mercedes GLS-Class is probably its closest competitor with its super ride quality. Those looking for the latest driver tech will want to check out the Cadillac Escalade with Super Cruise. Other body-on-frame competitors include the Infiniti QX80 and Lexus LX 570, both of which are rather old underneath their revised exteriors. There’s also the Range Rover, in case you want to ditch the third row and add the ability to drive through nearly 3 feet of standing water. Hey, you never know.

Cast against competitors or not, the 2021 Lincoln Navigator is an exceptional SUV. Its Black Label trim brings an impressive level of luxury to the table, while its underpinnings give it a great deal of capability,  whether that covers interior space or towing. It’s a shining city on a hill, a rolling testament to prosperity and power that makes you feel important the second you slide behind the wheel. 

Climb in the driver’s seat for the latest car news and reviews, delivered to your inbox twice weekly.

tagged by @01bri . thank you so much!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people

LAST:

1. Drink: peach green tea from starbucks 2. Phone call: my mom 3. Text message: my friend viviana bc i was telling her about this old lady giving me the stink-eye for blasting celia cruz out the car lol 4. Song you listened to: tequila by g.soul

5. Time you cried: last night over how good haechan looked in cherry bomb (REBLOG IF YOU AGREE LMAO)

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: nope, and wouldnt want to. if we broke up we gonna stay broken up lol 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: havent kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: yes, sadly 10. Been depressed: yup, but i think my depression is well handled now 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah man, im a child of jesus 

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: maroon/crimson, forest green, & dusty rose

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yes! 16. Fallen out of love: lol, never been in love 17. Laughed until you cried: every damn day lmao 18. Found out someone was talking about you: mhm, and i shut that shit down real quick. dont mess with a cuban/italian lmao 19. Met someone who changed you: my friend caleb 20. Found out who your friends are: yes, and im glad i have. i dont need any more negativity in my life 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i think pretty much all of them except for like 5 or so 23. Do you have any pets: i have a cat named sammi and he is the spawn of satan LMFAO 24. Do you want to change your name: i used to when i was little because i thought it was boring, but now i really like and appreciate it 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went out with two friends for lunch, and then we blasted suavemente and danced in the best buy parking lot at like 10:30 at night XD 26. What time did you wake up: around 1:30pm. it wouldve been later but my mom said she brought home mcdonalds lol 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: facetiming my friend viviana and crying over how good haechan looked in the cherry bomb mv 28. Name something you can’t wait for: GRADUATION!!!!!!! SENIOR YEAR BITCHES LETS MAKE IT GOOD 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 5 mins ago lol

30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: bring my friend caleb back 31. What are you listening to right now: myself typing this long ass q&a post lmfao 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: idk probably 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: ignorant and uneducated people like ughhhhhh 34. Most visited websites: probably youtube, my online course website, and buzzfeed bc i love to procrastinate by doing a quiz when i should be doing my classes lol

35. Mole/s: i have like 3 on my neck ( 2 of them are close together so it looks like a vampire bite, i know its dope asf lmao) 36. Mark/s: i have a bunch of beauty marks/freckles all over my body, plus scars on my legs for being a complete idiot as a kid who thought she was fucking superman at the playground XD 37. Childhood dream: to become a marine biologist, or go to hogwarts (idgaf about marine biology anymore, but im still pressed i never got my acceptance letter to hogwarts) 38. Hair color: naturally blonde, but its dyed to a redish-brown now 39. Long or short hair: medium-long hair 40. Do you have a crush on someone: nope, all the boys at my school crusty asf 41. What do you like about yourself: my sense of humor, my sass and wittiness (basically my personality in general), and my eyes 42. Piercings: 2 on each lobe 43. Blood type: idk but i think its AB 44. Nickname: tori and grandpa lol 45. Relationship status: single and an independent woman who dont need no man 46. Zodiac: taurus/gemini cusp 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: rupauls drag race, and impractical jokers

49. Tattoos: none yet, but when i turn 18 next year im getting one for my bday and more down the line

50. Right or left hand: leftie! 51. Surgery: none, thank jisoos 52. Hair dyed in different color: shit my hair has been the whole fucking rainbow lmfao. ive dyed it red, magenta, pastel pink, dark blue, red/brown, and purple.

53. Sport: i used to play volleyball and basketball but i ended up breaking my ankle so its difficult to run around now (also im a lazy piece of shit too lmao) 55. Vacation: i just recently went to savannah, ga & washington d.c to see some family (me and my cousin binge watched the harry potter series the whole time it was lit) 56. Pair of trainers: im guessing we talking about sneakers. the only nice ones i got are my adidas, the rest are like converse and keds lol

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: i had sushi for dinner. blessed the fuck up 58. Drinking: peach green tea from starbucks lol 59. I’m about to: finish working on my english project (kill me pls) 61. Waiting for: monsta x first win (wow i love triggering myself) :) 62. Want: PEOPLE TO STOP SLEEPING ON MONSTA X SO THEY CAN GET THEIR FIRST WIN FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD ASDFGHJKLDKDFK 63. Get married: i dont think i want to get married bc i dont like feeling like im held down. maybe when im on the verge of becoming a crazy cat lady i’ll reconsider lol

64. Career: music producer, psychologist, or private investigator

65. Hugs or kisses: i dont really have a preference but i guess hugs 66. Lips or eyes: EYES! 67. Shorter or taller: i would like someone taller than me idk just bc

68. Older or younger: older, but not by too much. i think the max would be like 5 years older 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: IM A SUCKER FOR SOME NICE ARMS LIKE SDJSDLKNAFGK;FKFd 71. Sensitive or loud: LOUD. i cant have someone too sensitive it would drive me insane. i have a really strong personality, so if you sensitive as shit you’d probably cry just bc i looked at you lmfao 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: probably somewhere in the middle. i dont want someone who is too scared/hesitant to do anything fun, but i dont want someone who will put me in a lot of bad situations. just a little mischievous lol

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a Stranger: nope 75. Drank hard liquor: possbily vodka oF COURSE I HAVENT I AM A CHILD OF JESUSSSSSSSS 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: my grandma freaking threw my glasses in the trashcan when i asked her to hold them while i went to play basketball with my neighbor 77. Turned someone down: many times lmao 78. Sex on the first date: no 79. Broken someone’s heart: possibly idk 80. Had your heart broken: by my biases bc they dont know i exist :’) 81. Been arrested: nah, and lets keep it that way lol 82. Cried when someone died: of course, im not that heartless 83. Fallen for a friend:i dont think i have

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: 100% 85. Miracles: no

86. Love at first sight: lmfao no 87. Santa Claus: when i was little 88. Kiss on the first date: depends

OTHER: 90. Current best friend name: ayszha 91. Eye color: hazel 92. Favorite movie:harry potter and the order of the pheonix

NOW, TAG 20 PEOPLE:

@won-markiepooh-woo @joshuahxng-kong @owopinky @echoayszha @puppyoongs @shownu-the-muscles @skittleluver101 @trollintraining @blockbyung @u-r-my-bias @puervy @tahyungs @jinn1e @min-yoongle @ole-dole-peaches @minyoong-ii @spidermalfoy11 @johnnys-hypewoman @sunshine-hoseok @joishua

(pretty much just tagged my mutuals. you dont have to do this if you dont want to, and if i didnt tag you and you would like to do this tag go right ahead!)

January 15th; Venice, Italy and Rome, Italy

I haven't updated for a few days now as I've been sick and have now gotten off of Contiki so I've been trying to get myself better, but I've posted pictures! After our beautiful castle meal in Slovenia we headed out the next morning to Venice. It was a full day of driving so we had to get up really early, but it gave us plenty of time to catch up on sleep which was nice. When we arrived we had to get a boat over to Venice itself, because there are no vehicles on the island of Venice whatsoever; it's completely pedestrian and water canals. The architecture was exactly what you expect of Italy, all the windows were flat with shutters, all the walkways were pebbled and all the architecture was ancient and glorious. We had a gondola ride through the canals which was not what I'd expected but was still nice. It only went for half an hour, but where we went it looked like a few steps up to the old houses and apartments were under water; an estimated 3000 years is left before the city is completely underwater. I asked why the city was built the way it was rather than with roads and it was to do with escaping their enemies of war at the time as they had not yet discovered boats. There were dozens of gondolas everywhere you looked, with a guy on the back of each rowing them around. After the gondola ride, we had a few hours of free time, so a few of us sourced the number one priority of being in Italy; pizza. And we weren't disappointed. We had a lemoncello shot with lunch, bruschetta that was the size of a pizza in itself and then a prosciutto pizza for main course. After lunch Marisa and I found a little bar and had the best tiramisu I've ever tasted in my life, with a Bolini; an Italian drink that is made of peach purée and champagne. It was incredible, I'm definitely finding out if they make them on the cruise. We wandered and met with the rest in a pub and all drank Bolini's until it was time for the next tour. We went on a wine and dine tour of Venice, where we went to 3 different bars and got to try a different Venezian specialty food and wine at each place. It wasn't like wine tasting in adelaide where you get to try heaps, we only got to try one red and one white at each place, which was fine anyway. Walking around the streets of Venice would be much more crowded in summer, I think going during winter was a good choice because the streets are really narrow and were hard to fit through with traffic from both directions as it was, I can't imagine during the summer. We got told that it's very easy to get lost in Venice, and now I understand why. All the buildings are stories higher than you, and street signs are far and few between; its like being in a maze. In the main square there are pigeons and birds everywhere, and if you stand in the middle of them there are guys that hand you a handful of bird seed without even slightly asking permission and you get flocked. And then you have to pay them. Like what? I didn't really want to get covered in pigeons but I did so that was an experience. There were heaps of little souvenir stores in the main square as well so I bought an Italia jumper because why not, I haven't bought a hoodie yet on this trip. Through the little side streets there were a lot of boutiques and like Gucci stores that were all really expensive, so I don't recommend shopping in Venice, or in Italy in general. We left at 10:30pm to go back to the hostel and were up again at 7:45am to go to my final destination; Rome. It was another full day of driving, we arrived at around 4pm and dropped our bags off with some difficulty before going on a walking tour and to dinner. I learnt really quickly that Italians are rude, and absolutely suck at organisation. We got put in a room which the first time didn't have working keys, and when we had working keys discovered that there were people already occupying said room. So then we got moved from the 1st floor to the 4th floor in an elevator that probably shouldn't have held more than a small child, and was about the size of a toilet cubicle, to then find out that we in fact didn't have a room there either, so we got taken back down to reception and had our bags put into the luggage area and got given free beer to compensate; overall not a bad deal in my opinion but the other girls weren't happy. We also got an upgraded room; we saw real carpet in the hallway and got excited. After that debarkle we headed out on the walking tour which took us to the Trevi Fountain, the Pantheon and the fountain out of angels and demons where Tom Hanks pulls the guy out of the fountain I'll post a picture so you know what I'm talking about; or just google it. It was raining slightly but it wasn't too cold, it was in positives and that was honestly a really exciting moment. Gloves were not necessary for the first time in two weeks. Venice was warm too actually, sunglasses were out! Seeing the Pantheon and the Trevi Fountain in person was yet another one of those moments when I realised that photos do nothing any justice whatsoever. I didn't think it would interest me that much, but standing there had a very different effect. I don't understand how thousands of years ago literally thousands like BC level thousands, people, human beings built structures of that scale. Like if you stood 56 of me on top of each other, these buildings are bigger than that. And all the columns are perfectly round and dozens of metres Tall and wide, how do they even exist? The Trevi Fountain isnt even in a featuring position, it's literally all but in the back streets of Rome like WHAT. But the reason for that, is that structures like the well known ones aren't the only ones to their scale; there are buildings throughout all of Rome of the same scale, literally throughout. Rome is entirely ruins with a few hotels and a few McDonalds thrown around. There's random columns like along the side streets and the old gladiator racing strips are just a square in the middle of roads. It looks like so much of it should be a feature but it's not it's just part of the city; it's again, indescribable. We went to dinner and this was the moment that I was at the height of my sickness for the trip, I got light headed and ill and couldn't breathe at all, so I didn't eat much and decided I was going to go straight to bed when we got back. But did I? No. Because it was the last night on Contiki, and I'm an idiot. So I went out drinking with everyone else until 5am, when we had to get up at 7:30am for the Colosseum. WHY NIKKI. GODDAM. Getting up was a struggle and pretty much everyone was still drunk, and one of the guys I've been travelling with lost his metro pass and the tour manager was also still drunk and she had no time to be mothering so everyone was like yeah nah we will see you there, even the people he was travelling with. I felt bad for him so I stayed with him at the train station and we managed to find the right train ticket, the right train and get off at the right stop which was the easy part because it's called 'Colosseo'. We ended up getting there about 40 minutes before the group because they did a walking ruins tour which we agreed neither of us could've handled at that point in the morning anyway, so we gave ourselves a 40 minute colosseum tour before meeting up with everyone else. Again, I feel like I say this too much, but the Colosseum has to be seen to be believed. The outside looks spectacular no doubt but it has absolutely nothing compared to the inside. It is insane. Absolutely insane. Not much if any has been reconstructed at all, it's been left to naturally erode and age over time, which honestly just made it that much more incredible. We walked into the arena and there's an immediate sense of needing to imagine exactly what went on here, you can't help but see it so clearly. We stood on the top level for the best part of half an hour and just stared and took it in, there isn't much else that you can do other than that. We met up with the group and the tour was actually quite shitty, it only went for 15 minutes and didn't really tell us anything that isn't already well known; that the broken half broke in an earthquake, that top seats were reserved for women and slaves and the closest balconies were reserved for priests and important people. One thing I didn't know was how much went on underneath the main floor of the arena. The animals were brought out from under the ground, for effect. The main arena floor is now gone so you can see all the walls where the cages were for the animals, and it was explained how they were hoisted up by slaves pushing the ropes to move and open the trap doors in the arena floors. To be honest I'm glad that we got to the Colosseum first, because we spent about an hour in there whereas the others only spent about 20 minutes. We went to the souvenir shop and I bought a little gladiator helmet, and then because everyone was either drunk or hungover we headed for food. It was bucketing down with rain all afternoon, and i bought an umbrella off of a gypsie for 5€ which was a mistake because of course as soon as the rain touched it the actual handle, not the umbrella, the HANDLE, snapped in half. So that got left on the ground and I actually drove past it about half an hour later in my taxi to my hotel, and I had a bit of a laugh. We got back to the hostel and went to our separate hostels ( those of us that got off in Rome) and met up again at 3pm to do the Vatican. My Hotel was beautiful, it was an air BnB and the guy there was so friendly, it was bit overwhelming to know that I was no longer on an organised tour and had to adult again but the receptionist actually got me a map and taught me how to get everywhere from the hotel which calmed me down a lot. I'm going to say it again, the Vatican was indescribable. I was staying three bus stops from it, THREE, and then just had to walk under an underpass to get to the Vatican square. I picked up in Rome as well that if you walk around with earphones in, the beggars and guys trying to tell you tours and souvenirs don't bother you, so walking around with earphones in even without music is a good way to go. Otherwise they follow you and call out to you until you respond. We did a tour of the Vatican museums and the Sistine Chapel, both of which I could have spent much more time in and intend to in the future. Leave a good 5 hour window to do the Vatican, because the museums are fascinating, and get an audio guide please for the love of god, it makes it so much more interesting. I was the only one that did and it was the best 7€ I've ever spent. The most amazing thing was seeing ruins and artifacts and tapestries from BC, like yes you learn about the history of BC but standing in front of roman ruins that were actually built BC is just another experience. And not being religious doesn't make a difference, if you know the bible to a reasonable extent then seeing the Vatican is worth doing. There was a hall of tapestries that depicted major events in Jesus' time, that were taught throughout all of my schooling and that i know back to front, the betrayal of his disciples, the last supper, the birth of Jesus, and they were made like 1-2 AD. They were made in the time of Jesus as it is believed, and while it didn't make me Christian or catholic it certainly made me question whether or not some of these events really did exist. Sorry Hughes'. It's very different learning the stories in school and seeing a tapestry woven in the time when it all supposedly happened. Right there in front of you. I will go back to Rome ( technically I have to because I threw a coin in the Trevi Fountain), and when I do an entire day will be dedicated to the Vatican. Contiki has officially ended. To be honest, and don't let this put anyone off of doing a Contiki, but I don't think I'll be doing another one, and if I do it won't be 12 countries in 16 days. Pros: - meeting people - Becoming a literal alcoholic - Seeing the highlights of each country you visit - Having an experienced tour guide - Having people around you that are in the same boat - Seeing a lot in a short amount of time Cons: - the contiki cold. It is NOT a myth, and it WILL NOT go away. - Getting up early every day - Only spending 36 hours in each city, sometimes less. - Not having the time to do everything you want to do - Spending waaaay too much money on alcohol and nice dinners that you wouldnt otherwise spend - Minimal sleep; absolute exhaustion. 16 days was too long, if I were to do it again I would do a week maximum and 2-3 countries. But, in saying all of that I did have an amazing time, meet some amazing people who I'm now going to Switzerland with, and doing a road trip along Australia's east coast with, and I will definitely never forget the experience. I flew back to London last night and am currently sitting on the plane to ICELAND!!!!! I've been super stressed because after being on tour I forgot how to adult a little bit but I'm back on the horse now and ready. Iceland, here we come! Oh and I really need to do some laundry. So Iceland and laundry, here we come! Some memorable things I've learnt so far: - don't be scared to talk to people that you don't know, 99% of the time they're willing to help you. - Don't constantly worry that you're being kidnapped; you're not. - Don't buy premium everything, make do with what you can. I've been blowing my nose with toilet paper for 3 days now, tissues are expensive. - Tipping is ridiculous, but necessary pretty much everywhere except for Australia. - Italians don't line up well; push in. - Polish people don't like you eating in their restaurants, they all stare when you walk in. - Not everyone can speak as much English as you assume, ask everyone you talk to before you talk to them if they speak English, purely by saying "English?" - .Learn how to sleep on transport; once you've got one type down, you've got them all down. Buses, planes, you name it. Buy a neck pillow. - Experiment with food, never stick to what you know when you're travelling. Half of the experience is eating their food. - If something scares you, it generally means that it's good for you. Just do it. - If you have to pay to go to the toilet, hold it. - Napping is a precious skill whilst travelling, learn it and do it whenever you can. - Don't be scared of overseas pharmacies, their products are exactly the same as ours. - Do not be scared to do things that you haven't done before, if you don't know where you're going or what you're doing, just remember that everyone else in the world has done this before, it can't be as hard as you're thinking it is. - Drink lots of water. - Bring lots of Chapstick. - BRING PAW PAW. - Packing a rucksack is easier if you put the cases of stuff on the bottom, and the clothes on the top; they squish better. - In Italy eat as much gelato as humanly possible. - Do NOT pack more than two pairs of shoes, you will not wear sneakers in winter. - Pack less pants and more jumpers; I've been wearing one pair of jeans everyday for 3 weeks, you just change the leggings underneath. - Bring a goddam jacket and don't spend 90€ on one in Amsterdam. - Go to Amsterdam, but don't buy weed stronger than 2 🐾 - They'll try to tell you that Austrian and German are different languages; they're not. - Pack more socks and more underwear than you think you will need...And then some more. - Sometimes in Europe, you can leave without paying the bill. - Sometimes in Europe, you can ride public transport without buying a ticket. - If you go to a thermal bath, pay for the package with a massage. You won't regret it. - Don't be scared of anything, you may think you do, but you don't stand out. You're just another person. - Live with #noregrets.

August 26, 2020; Wednesday

In February I came back to work from furlough. I had thought that I’d post something on the blog at that point, but everything at the park was quiet. The other permanent park guide and I were covering the information desk at the joint USFS/NPS headquarters building because the employee who normally worked there had moved on to a real ranger job at Yellowstone. The highway through the park was still closed (and would remain closed for many months) and there was very little traffic, either on the road or on the telephone that we answered.

As February turned into March we all started hearing about a new disease that had landed in Washington state just at the end of January called coronavirus. The three of us (one USFS employee and we two NPS park guides who work the joint information desk) were the only people who worked directly with the public at the headquarters building. We understandably felt concerned about how we were working with the public as the news about the pandemic became more dire with each passing day. There wasn’t much being said about the risk we were exposed to from the higher ups from either agency. 

In March I got onboard an airplane and flew from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport to Phoenix to attend NPS Fundamentals. From Phoenix a bus picked me up (along with about thirty other NPS employees) and drove me to the Horace Albright Training Center on the south rim of the Grand Canyon. 

Fundamentals was something I’d been told to look forward to because it was a great opportunity to network and explore another national park while getting paid to be there. Nearly all of us in that cohort were concerned about what DOI and the NPS were going to do to protect employees who work with the public from contracting the coronavirus. While we were in class all of us were issued iPads for working on certain projects. I was not the only person who, when the instructors turned their backs, changed the screen from displaying whatever PDF or PowerPoint we needed to the latest news reports to see what was going on outside of our insulated world in training.

By and large Fundamentals was a good time. There were some interesting NPS employees I got to meet, like the law enforcement ranger at the Herbert Hoover homesite in West Branch, IA, or an employee from Great Smoky Mountains who runs a pack animal train, or another employee who works at the Harpers Ferry Center and provides supports to parks that need help designing museum exhibits or creating park films. I got to spend free time walking around the south rim watching the sunset every night and avoiding elk in the dark who use the same trails people do. (Or is it people using the same trails that elk do?) Even though the studio apartment they put me in had a kitchenette, I still ate out most nights at restaurants on the south rim. On my weekend I even ate a fancy breakfast at the El Tovar Hotel with some of the other Fundamentals students before going to the Desert View Watchtower. 

Of course there were parts of the class that I did not enjoy. Mostly I was envious of the “mid-career” students who got to leave the room to go focus on topics like supervising and being an agent-of-change in a change-resistant bureaucracy. Instead of learning about working for the NPS in those moments, I (and the other “new employees”) worked on something called “pulling it together” where we created our own national park. In these sessions I learned valuable things that as a seasonal NPS employee I didn’t know. Things like how the National Park Service is part of the Department of the Interior, or that law enforcement means police. I’m not sure how valuable this “pulling it together” bit was. With the exception of a handful of students the people who were in the room with me had worked seasonally for the NPS for many years and knew the essentials.

On the second day of our second week of class, though, the superintendent of Horace Albright Training Center came to class and announced that we needed to leave the room and call our home parks to make sure we had arrangements to get on an airplane the next day and fly home. The decision had been made that most non-essential work--like Fundamentals--did not need to continue in the face of a worsening global pandemic. So I went to my studio and called one of the representatives from the NPS’s travel agency and booked a flight for the following afternoon. It was a short stay at Fundamentals.

Upon returning to Washington state I was immediately turned into a teleworking employee and stayed at home. I had one day where I was able to drive to the visitor center in the park and borrow a computer monitor and keyboard to give myself a real home office setup in our spare bedroom. (I was very thankful that when our district interpreter left last fall she let me buy her desk from her.) 

At this point I could have been more diligent about updating the blog. But working from home everyday quickly became a boring blur. I slept in an extra hour, made breakfast that I carried to my desk where I logged in to my work account and then spent the day managing the park’s social media. (In other news I, a technical employee at the GS-05 level, am the park’s de facto social media coordinator.) I became familiar with the red-tailed hawk that hunted in the backyard, as well as the two horses in the neighboring pasture, and the habits of our cat (he’s an indoor-outdoor cat again) as he patrolled his turf. I also, unfortunately, became familiar with the habits of two coyotes that walked into our backyard on a near daily basis. They, in turn, became familiar with me coming outside and chasing them off. At 5:30 or 6:00--depending on how productive I felt that day--I’d log off and walk into the kitchen for supper. 

The more time I spent watching the backyard, the more I decided that this year would be the right year to grow a garden. The landlords gave us their blessing and at the end of April I dug up a 16′x8′ patch of ground between a nectarine tree and two peach trees. The waning weeks of April and most of May was spent starting seeds indoors, hardening them outside on the porch, and then transplanting them to the garden. We were very ambitious and planted lettuce, spinach, cucumber, carrot, beans, watermelon, tomatoes, sweetcorn, pumpkins, and delicate squash. One of my wife’s coworkers later donated a pepper plant that was added to the garden. It was impossible to think in may when the seedlings seemed so lonely in the dirt that by the end of August that 16′x8′ bit of ground would be overflowing with produce. 

By the end of May--I believe I counted 40 days of working from home once my regular days off were deducted--we all returned to work. Seasonal rangers had been told that park housing was not available and that they would have to secure their own lodging. Unbelievably every single seasonal ranger found a place to live. In early June the park was allowed to increase access to day use and eventually overnight use and things returned to “normal.” 

At this point I also could have been better about updating the blog. But I got busy with mentoring the new seasonals and volunteers. Just like every year there were growing pains that had to be worked through as people adapted to a different way of doing work that they had done for years in other parks under other supervisors. Visitation picked up fast. Every day felt like the 4th of July. Campgrounds were full even on week nights. We all noticed that we were feeling more exhausted than normal. Thoughts of taking time to update a blog kept getting pushed further and further down the to-do list. Most of my time off has been spent trying to recuperate from the latest week of work. 

Because our division’s #1 goal is campground operations, all of us interpreters are tasked with doubling as visitor use assistants. At least one day a week we work with the camphosts to update reservations and assist visitors who have flat batteries or just can’t understand why so many other people are trying to camp on a Thursday. We also spend one day a week in the park’s busiest campground staffing an information kiosk. That’s probably the worst job this summer. At least eight hours locked in a box with visitors lining up who are more and more frustrated with their inability to find a campsite because other people made reservations before driving to the park is not a fun experience. 

On Monday I was in this position and overheard a visitor talking to a VUA outside of my kiosk-cum-prison.

“Excuse me,” the visitor said, “why is the campground full?”

“Let me tell you, we’ve been so busy all summer. People who were stuck inside all spring just really want to go camping,” the VUA answered.

“But why are they here? I’ve lived nearby for years and years and this is always such a quiet campground,” this visitor said.

“Well, people like being by the water. This is a good campground by the water,” said the VUA. 

“There are a lot of campgrounds by the water. That’s no reason for people to be here,” spat the visitor.

“Well, let me ask you this. Why are you here?” asked the VUA. 

At this point the visitor turned around a walked away saying that she wasn’t trying to start a fight. 

That’s been the theme this summer. Every visitor is incredulous when they see how packed the roads, trails, and campgrounds are. The looks on their faces all say, “I can’t believe I’m not the only one who thought going for a hike/camping trip would be a good way to spend a summer post lockdown. Do other people really have the same ideas as me?” 

On the bright side, very few of the visitors are those insane people who feel oppressed by wearing a face covering. Most people are perfectly pleasant. 

With Labor Day looming on the horizon I’m hoping that things begin to calm down. Local students won’t be going to school in-person, but they’ll have to be home or somewhere with a solid internet connecting come the Tuesday after Labor Day when they return to classes. Maybe then we can start unwinding. 

Until then all of us are running a little bit more ragged than normal. 

'A total blast': our writers pick their favorite summer blockbusters ever

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'A total blast': our writers pick their favorite summer blockbusters ever

As the season heats up on the big screen, Guardian writers look back on their picks from the past with killer sharks, mournful crime-fighters and time-traveling teens

Face/Off (1997)

Photograph: Allstar/Cinetext/PARAMOUNT

Madman bomber Nicolas Cage stole John Travoltas dead sons life. So gloomy FBI agent Travolta steals Cages face. When Cage steals his face and his wife and freedom John Woos Face/Off becomes the biggest, wackiest and most operatic summer blockbuster in history, a gonzo combustion that flings everything from pigeons to peaches at the screen.

Hong Kong cineastes might applaud a script with roots in the ancient Sichuan opera genre Bian Lian, where performers swap masks like magic. Popcorn-munchers, of which I am front row center, are here to watch whack job Cage and soulful Travolta, two actors who love to go full-ham, play each other and go deep inside their iconographies. Call it hamception. Or just call it a crazy swing that hits a home run as Cavolta and Trage battling it out in a warehouse, a speedboat and, of course, a church. As Cage-as-Travolta gloats to Travolta-as-Cage, Isnt this religious? The eternal battle between good and evil, saint and sinners but youre still not having any fun! Maybe hes not, but we sure are. Bravo, bravo. AN

Edge of Tomorrow (2014)

Photograph: David James/Publicity image from film company

Theres been an increasing sense of desperation clinging to the majority of roles picked by Tom Cruise in recent years. Outside of the still shockingly entertaining Mission: Impossible series, he was miscast in the barely serviceable Jack Reacher and its maddeningly unnecessary sequel, his awards-aiming American Made was throwaway and his franchise-starting The Mummy was a franchise-killer. But four summers ago, he picked the right horse just maybe at the wrong time.

Because despite how deliriously fun Edge of Tomorrow was in the summer of 2014, audiences didnt show the requisite enthusiasm. It was a moderate success (enough to warrant a long-gestating sequel) but it should have packed them in, its combination of charm, invention and sheer thrills making it one of the most objectively successful blockbuster experiences in memory. The nifty plot device (Cruise must relive a day of dying while battling aliens over and over again) allowed for some dark gallows humor and a frenetic pace that kept us all giddily on edge while it also contained a dazzling action star turn from Emily Blunt whose fearless Full Metal Bitch wrestled the film away from Cruise. Blame its relative failure on the bland title? Cruise fatigue? Blockbuster over-saturation? Then find a digital copy to watch and rewatch and repeat. BL

Back to the Future (1985)

Photograph: Allstar/UNIVERSAL/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

Back to the Future very nearly wasnt a summer blockbuster. The reshoots required after Eric Stoltz was booted off, then the fact Michael J Foxs Family Ties commitments meant he could only shoot at night all meant filming didnt wrap until late April. Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg duly pencilled in an August / September release.

But then people started seeing it. Test scores were off the scale. Said producer Frank Marshall: Id never seen a preview like that. The audience went up to the ceiling. So they bagsied the best spot the year had to offer 3 July hired a squad of sound editors to work round the clock and two print editors with instructions to get properly choppy. They did, and those big trims tightened yet further one of the tautest screenplays (by Bob Gale) cinema has ever seen. The only bit of fat they left was the Johnny B Goode scene: sure, it didnt advance the story, but the kids at those test screenings knew we were gonna love it. Back to the Future is a pure shot of summer cinema: grand, ambitious, insanely entertaining. Deadpool, Avengers, take note: a blockbuster can be smart as hell so long as it wears it lightly. In the end, by the way, the film spent 11 weeks at number 1 at the US box office. Thats essentially the whole summer. CS

Teminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)

Photograph: Allstar/TRISTAR/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

The first film I ever saw at the cinema was The Rocketeer. We drove into Bradford city centre, bought our tickets at the Odeon and sat through the 1991 tale which followed the fortunes of a stunt pilot, a rocket pack and a Nazi agent played by Timothy Dalton who sounded like he was from Bury rather than Berlin. The way into the multiplex there was a huge poster for Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Arnie sat on a Harley with a shotgun cocked and ready. My dad was a huge fan of the original but he still couldnt swing taking a seven-year-old to see it. It wasnt until I borrowed a VHS copy that I finally got to see what was behind that image. Skynet, dipshits, T-1000s, a nuclear holocaust and a motorbike chases on the LA river.

Blockbusters dont usually have that edge: theres a more brazen mainstream appeal. But Judgment Day was and still is an exception. It did huge numbers at the box office (more than $500m), was a rare sequel that was arguably better than the original and introduced really odd bits of Spanish idiom into the Bradford schoolyard lexicon. I probably would have been scarred for life watching it as a seven-year-old, but as a teenager it gave me a story I doubt Ill ever get tired of revisiting. LB

The Dark Knight (2008)

Photograph: Allstar/WARNER BROS.

The summer of 2008 was a busy one: Barack Obama emerged from a contentious democratic primary to become the first ever black presidential nominee of a major party. The dam fortifying the entire global financial system was about to burst. China hosted its first ever Summer Olympics. But somehow, and not exactly to my credit, what I remember most from that summer is the uncanny, ridiculously over-the-top publicity blitzkrieg that preceded the release of The Dark Knight, which has since emerged as not just an all-time great summer blockbuster, but an all-time great American film, period.

There were faux-political billboards that read I believe in Harvey Dent; a weirdly nondescript website of the same name; Joker playing cards dispersed throughout comic book stores, which led fans to another website where the DA was defaced with clown makeup. Dentmobiles, Gotham City voter registration cards, a pop-up local news channel: the marketing campaign might have seemed excessive had the movie not so convincingly topped it. Ten years later, as films like Deadpool and Avengers: Infinity War try to reach those same heights of virality, The Dark Knight remains the measuring stick by which every superhero movie, and superhero villain, is measured. JN

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Photograph: Jasin Boland/AP

In many ways, Fury Road is summer: arid, scorching, bright enough to be squinted at. The driving force behind all the high-impact driving is scarcity of water, the essence of life in a desert where death practically rises up from the burning sand. Even in the air-conditioned comfort of a multiplex auditorium in Washington DCs Chinatown, watching George Millers psychotic motor opera left this critic sweaty and parched. My world is fire and blood, warns the weary Max Rockatansky (Tom Hardy) in the scripts opening lines. Staggering out of a theater into the oppressive rays of the sun, it sure can feel that way.

Millers masterpiece fits into the summer blockbuster canon in a less literal capacity as well, striking its ideal balance of dazzling technical spectacle and massively-scaled emotional catharsis. There was plenty of breathless praise to go around upon this films 2015 release, much of it for the feats of practical-effects daring, but the hysterical extremes of feeling cemented its status as a modern classic. I cant deny that Ive watched the polecat sequence upwards of a dozen times, but Millers film truly comes alive in Furiosas howl of desperation, and in Maxs noble disappearance into the throng. CB

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

Photograph: Alamy Stock Photo

Its the music, its the giant boulder, its the Old Testament mysticism, its the whip, its the Cairo Swordsman, its Harrison Fords crooked smile, its the bad dates, its Karen Allen drinking a sherpa under the table, its the melted faces and exploding heads. Its all these things plus having the good fortune of seeing this at the cinema at a very young age, therefore watching most of it through my terrified fingers. (Indy tells Marion to keep her eyes shut during the cosmic spooky ending; way ahead of you there!)

The modern blockbuster as we know it was created by Steven Spielberg with Jaws and George Lucas with Star Wars, so the hype was unmatched when the two collaborated in 1981 with Raiders of the Lost Ark. As a kid I had no idea this was a loving homage to cliffhanger serials from the 30s and 40s, I took it as pure adventure. The seven-and-a-half minute desert truck chase (I dont know, Im making thus up as I go) is probably the best action sequence in all of cinema (John Woos Hard Boiled does not have a horse, sorry), but watching as an adult one notices a lot of sophisticated humor, too. (Indy being too exhausted to make love to Marion, for example, is something that didnt connect when I was six.)

Its strange to think I watched these cartoon Nazis on VHS with my grandparents who had escaped the Holocaust, and no one benefits when you do the math to figure out how young Marion was when, as Indy puts it, you knew what you were doing. But for thrills, laughs and propulsive camerawork (though a little mild Orientalism), nothing tops this one. JH

Independence Day (1996)

Photograph: Everett/REX/Shutterstock

Short of actually calling their film Summer Blockbuster, rarely can a films height-of-summer release date been so central to a films raison detre. This being the mid-90s, when po-mo and self-referentiality was all the rage, brazenly hooking your tentpole film to 4 July was seen as a pretty smart idea.

Fortunately, all the ducks did line up in a row for ID4: a game-changing performance from Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum at (arguably) his funniest, a rousingly Clintoneque president in Bill Pullman and most importantly in that run-up to the millennium physical destruction on a gigantic scale. Much comment at the time was expended on the laser obliteration of the White House (an early shot from the Tea Party/Maga crowd?), but I personally cherish director Roland Emmerichs signature move of detonating cars in somersault formation. Like many other huge-budget films then and since, Independence Day was basically a tooled-up retread of cheap-as-chips format of earlier decades though who these days would roll such expensive dice on what is essentially an original script, with no comic book or toy branding as a forerunner? We shall never see its like again. AP

Aliens (1986)

Photograph: Allstar/20 CENTURY FOX/Sportsphoto Ltd./Allstar

An Aliens summer is one for moviegoers who prefer to sit in in darkened rooms when the sun is shining; the brutal confines of the fiery power plant make an excellent subliminal ad for air conditioning. In 1986, James Cameron took Ridley Scotts elegant, iconic horror template and turned it into an all-out action blockbuster, forcing Ripley once again to face down her nemeses in a breathless fug of claustrophobia, sweat and fear. Its relentlessly stressful and unbelievably thrilling.

I first saw Aliens many years after its initial release. Owing to its sizeable and long-lasting legacy, it was at once immediately familiar, yet also brisk and brutally fresh. I understood that it was a classic, but I wasnt prepared for just how good it is, for the pitch-perfect management of tension, the pace that never really lets up, the emotional pull. The maternal undertow of Ripleys protection of Newt, and the alien mirror of that, adds a level of heart unusual in most blockbusters, and her frustration at being a woman whose authority must be earned again and again, and then proven again and again, remains grimly relevant, 30 years on. Its also a total blast. Now get away from her, you bitch. RN

Jaws (1975)

Photograph: Fotos International/Getty Images

It is the great summer blockbuster ancestor the film that in 1975 more or less invented the concept of the event movie. And unlike all those other summer blockbusters, Steven Spielbergs Jaws is actually about the summer; it is explicitly about the institution of the summer vacation, into which the movie was being sold as part of the seasonal entertainment. It is about the sun, the sand, the beach, the ocean and the entirely justified fear of being eaten alive by an enormous shark with the appetite of a serial killer and the cunning of a U-boat commander. And more than that: it is about that most contemporary of political phenomena: the coverup, the town authorities at a seaside resort putting vacationers at risk by not warning them about the shark. The Jaws mayor has become comic shorthand for the craven and pusillanimous politician.

A blockbuster nowadays means spectacular digital effects, but this film is from an analogue world. It bust the block through brilliant film-making and an inspired score from John Williams, summoning up the shark with a simple two-note theme which became the most famous musical expression of evil since Bernard Herrmanns shrieking violin stabs in Psycho took the place of actual knife-slashing. I still remember the excitement of the summer of 1975, and the queues around the block at the Empire, in Watford, round the corner from the football ground. The inspired brevity of the title meant the word was repeated over and over again to fill the marquee display: JAWS JAWS JAWS as if they were screaming it! PB

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

Before I begin my blog post, I’d like to thank Meenu & Pawan Deol from Living Atman, Patricia Tallman, and Sony for providing me with the amazing opportunities that this retreat to India has afforded me, with particular thanks to Gustav Kiburg and Leo at Sony for allowing me to use their amazing camera equipment to capture the journey. As well as a huge shout out to my roomie Melissa! Without whom I might’ve gone crazy and helped me with some of the details in this blog! *Posh British accent* Thank you my Darling!

In February/March, I travelled to India, and whilst I’m home again now, I’m still on that journey in a way…. Unpacking and processing everything that happened.. As well as dealing with the emotions and feelings that came up during the trip. Maybe that’s why writing this took so long. 

If I’m honest with you, I’m not entirely sure where to start when it comes to my time in India. But as I look back on it, and go through the thousands of images I took over my time there (no I’m not joking, it was thousands), I think ‘chaos’ is the word that comes to mind. But don’t get me wrong, the chaos of India is beautiful, rather than depressing. It forces you to rethink the way you look at life and changes your perspective. There is immense joy to be found amid the bright colours of the country. Sometimes it can seem hard to believe from a Western perspective, when you find yourself confronted with different hygiene standards and a higher level of poverty than you’re used to. But it’s true. 

Seeing a whole family on a scooter, not wearing helmets and with maybe a blanket to protect the little one was a shock. The drivers zip into apparently non-existent spaces, and the vehicles clog the roads. It’s a wonder that they get anywhere. And I found myself wondering just what you had to do to pass a driving test there, or if anyone taught road safety. Vendors would rush past with whole stacks of merchandise on a cart, people would hurry by carrying things on their head, these are the things a photographer dreams of, but also the things that scare those of us who aren’t used to them.

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Children grabbing at your arm, begging for food and money, people sleeping in train stations and on the streets, the slums, toilets that are literally just holes in the floor; but all the while the people are dressed in the same bright colours that are rich throughout the landscape itself, and often have smiles on their faces. There’s a striking contrast between the lack of provisions and the simplicity of their happiness that you don’t find present in the West. I think it’s part of what makes Northern India so unique and beautiful.

I arrived early in Delhi, a few days before most of the retreat group, and it gave me a chance to explore with a friend who was also on the retreat. Our first day was spent exploring the area around our hotel, taking a tuk tuk to a shopping centre getting those last minute supplies we had invariably forgotten to bring with us and grabbing some lunch. Neither of us expected to see cows walking through the centre, that’s definitely something you don’t see back home! 

During those first few days, we also visited Akshardam temple where we weren’t allowed to take photos (unfortunately), as well as the Gurdwara Bangla Sahib temple (Sikh), a stepping well, and Kashmiri Cottage Industries where we were introduced to the craft of making carpets, scarves and saris. We’d visit the Sikh temple and Kashmiri Cottage Industries again, with our retreat group, later in the trip.

The stepping well was called Ugrasen ki Baoli and it was an ideal place to take some of my first shots of India. Birds and bats inhabited the area, with the latter flying like the birds but also hanging from the ceiling in the former well, the way in which the light fell gave it a sort of mystical effect. The only downside was the very steep steps and a LOT of dust! 

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The Gurudwara Bangla Sahib Sikh temple was surreally beautiful from a photographic perspective. The colour clothing of the people doing service in the kitchen contrasted with the white of the temple and the blue of the water to create a picture book effect that I feel extremely fortunate to have been able to see and capture. Wherever we travelled on our journey through India, one thing that struck me was the way in which people were willing to help each other, regardless of what they themselves have. It’s something that we could learn from here in the West.

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We took a Rickshaw through the Old Delhi Markets. The markets of India are where everything comes together. The chaotic rhythm of life that flows through them is magnificent. Everything erupts with colour, each individual market is a lively community all of its own where stallholders all have their own stories to tell and will happily haggle with you over the cost of their wares; music plays from so many different places within the market creating a chaotic crescendo amid the chatter and the hagglers, there is beauty everywhere, and those insanely rich smells that fill your head (although as with all things, sometimes those smells make you want to move on by rather quickly), I just wanted to keep taking pictures.

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The Jama Masjid Mosque made us feel like we’d joined the Indian Hogwarts! We were handed colourful robes on entering and each one felt like it was representative of our own house colour… is peach the colour of the Indian equivalent of Ravenclaw or Gryffindor? Who knows? Inside the gate, the sunlight glints off the marble detailing of buildings surrounding an inner courtyard hidden from the view of the outside world.

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The Taj Mahal, There’s this moment when you stand in the grounds and it’s like standing in the middle of a postcard or movie, you’re not really sure that you’re standing there, in the shadow of this iconic landmark. The gardens are beautiful, and were definitely my favourite part of our Taj Mahal experience, contrast between the white of the Taj, the green of the garden, the blues of the sky and fountains… add to that the flower and it’s beautiful wherever you look. Inside the Taj l itself, I got a little claustrophobic. It IS a mausoleum and once you get inside, it gets really small and crowded. To be honest, I was longing to get back outside to the open air, but it was definitely worth the experience, and I’d recommend doing the whole thing. There are 2 identical buildings on each side of the Taj made from sandstone which you don’t really expect to see. They are rarely shown in the photographs that we see online or in magazines.

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The Red Fort is somewhere I could’ve gotten lost in for DAYS. Construction work started on it in 1639 and was completed in 1648. Up until 1856 it was the main residence of the Mughal Dynasty. I’m European, so I’m used to seeing older buildings, but I had never seen anything like this! The architecture is superb and there is a clear respect for such an ancient part of India’s heritage. The natural light here was so different to anything I had yet experienced. The way it bounced off the building, created shadow play with the arches, and the views from the fort itself, all of them could, if given the time, create an amazing photography book that I would love to shoot. 

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The Golden Temple was an interesting experience. It was one of the places that I had been most eager to see, and one of the ones that I wanted to take full photographic advantage of. But, as tends to happen, my plan for the day didn’t quite go the way I wanted. It’s what happens with travel, no matter how good your intentions, something comes up. Well, I ended up falling ill, so had to take some time out, sitting under a tree to build my energy back up. But as luck would have it, whilst my original plan changed, serendipity came knocking, in that way it does. I was fortunate enough to watch a young girl catching berries from a jujube tree, look out in a calm zen-like state across the water, and watch locals go about their business, seeing things that I wouldn’t have otherwise seen. I did love doing Seva (service – selfless service for the betterment of the community) there as well. Learning how to make roti and naan from locals was a foodie’s dream and will definitely stay with me for a long time to come. 

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A seven hour train ride, an hour by car through a forest, and we arrived in Rishikesh, where everything was so very different from the hubbub of our previous stops. It was so quiet, so peaceful, and so picturesque. Here I was thankful to take early morning walks where I could collect my thoughts and welcome a new day, do yoga admist breathtaking views, and join in morning prayers which were chanted rather than said. Participating in the aarti ceremony by the Ganga River was particularly memorable. The evening Satsang was an incredible revelation for all of us I think, something none of us had ever thought about participating in, but we came away from it with evolving perspectives on things. All of those spiritual moments in a place that still holds a part of me, reverberated through my very core, and when I look back on them, continue to do so now.

I’d definitely recommend attending an Aarti ceremony by the Ganga (Ganges River) I saw one right by the Parmarth Niketan Ashram and a bigger ceremony in Haridwar where we were allowed to sit on the walking bridge to get a better view of the whole ceremony. If you don’t like crowds though I’d recommend the the one at  Parmarth Niketan.

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Dharamsala in the Himalayas remains one of my favourite parts of this retreat. If you hadn’t figured it out from the above, I love nature. And in Dharamsala we were able to enjoy some hiking. That early morning view when you walked out of your room in the WH Grace Hotel was breathtaking, and it made my heart sing. There’s no other way to describe it. Where else in the world would you be woken by a monkey sitting in the tree outside your hotel room?

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The hiking opportunities in this area of India are amazing. Seeing prayer flags out in the open up in the mountains was something that was literally breathtaking. Each one bright against the natural backdrop. The villages are full of life but it’s a slower, more gentler way of living than in the cities like New Delhi. Goats and hens seem to pop up in every direction, living in harmony with the farmers and village people who use them for their meat, milk, and eggs.

One thing none of us expected from this trip was literally once in a lifetime. We went to a Mcleodganj for a meditation class and were fortunate enough to be invited back the next day to a ceremony that was being hosted by the Dalai Lama. Well, let’s be honest, if you turn that sort of chance down, you really don’t know what you’re missing! Unfortunately we weren’t allowed to take photos of that ceremony for security reasons. There are so many moments that I wish I could have taken a picture of, but at the same time, there are somethings that are better off remembered rather than captured. After all, as much as I love to take photographs, I also love to stop for a moment, put down the camera, and just take in what is happening around me.

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Locals love having their picture taken! They are more than happy to let you take a picture, which means I was really able to get some amazing shots. One lady in a village near McLeodGanj even invited us into her house and let us take pictures! But by the same token, when they see obvious foreigners, you can often find them queuing to have a picture with you! It was a bizarre fact of our trip that everywhere we went, local people were literally waiting in line to have their photo taken with people from our group. I’m a photographer, I’m used to being behind the camera, and it was all a little surreal for me.

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I loved our Safari adventure at Rajiji National Park! While we didn’t see any elephants or tigers on the bumpy trip, we did find tiger footprints, evidence that elephants had been through the area, deer, stags with huge antlers, stunning tropical birds, a peacock flying overhead, and so many beautiful creatures and so much plantlife. I did mention I love being in nature, right? Standing on the back of the jeep, hair in the wind, looking at the rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds and reflections in the little pools of water, searching the landscape for wildlife, it felt like such an adventure. Life was definitely good that day.

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Our stay at Norwood Green (a tea plantation) in Palampur, included Holi. The Bundla Tea Estate was peaceful and beautiful, continuing our calming theme of the Himalayas.  There was a family staying there as well, so before setting off to Sujanpur to celebrate Holi, we had our own little party in front of the apartments. On arrival in Sujanpur we went to a bright and colourful fair and afterwards ran into Minister of State who gave each of us a beautiful scarf, there was another opportunity for photos, this time with the Minister of State, and we even ended up on his Facebook page! 

Holi itself was an experience! I managed to stay relatively clean of the colourful powder that gets thrown on everyone whilst I had my camera out. Everyone was too scared of damaging it. However, the moment the camera was put away, I got covered. 

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A unique part of the trip, which I have to admit, I’d rather not do again, was our stay in a tent on a field in Anandpur Sahib. No one should sleep in a tent in a the middle of a field in a thunderstorm with a cow passing by to wake you up, and panthers potentially prowling around outside (which wasn’t mentioned until later), and that was just the first night. But the morning I woke up to a beautiful sunrise and a pleasant local breakfast. Although after all that chaos, all I really wanted at that point was a coffee.

We saw a Hola Mohalla display by Sikh warriors (the Nihang) who were demonstrating their fighting skills, in the style of Gatkar. The Nihang are a semi-nomadic people who have separate beliefs and practices from the mainstream Sikh community but are still a part of it. Their fighting skills are mainly for ceremonial purposes, and with no disrespect to the Nihang, I find myself feeling a little grateful for that. We witnessed one of the men being shot in the leg by an arrow. And with the traditional clothing that is worn, which can include massive turbans, their attire can appear rather bulky for fighting purposes. 

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There are so many other things I could share with you from my time in India. But I could be here for a very long time. So instead, I’m going to leave it here, and share my tips and pics from the trip. If you’ve been to India, why don’t you add your own tips in the comments, and if you’re one of the amazing group of people that I travelled with and feel like I’ve missed out something you’d like to mention, why not add it in the comments?

Tips:

Use your scarf to protect from smog/dust in the air if you don’t have a proper dust mask – and if you’re asthmatic make sure you have your inhalers with you, as well as antihistamines.

Hire a car with guide if you’re on your own/not travelling with a group. It’s a cheap and safe way to see India. However be prepared to be stuck in traffic.

Take a ride in a rickshaw or tuk tuk, it’s a fun adventurous way to see the city. I especially enjoyed taking a rickshaw through old Delhi.

Bring your own TP! And wipes! I’m not joking, believe me you’re gonna need it! And if you’re going with a friend, make sure that you both have some in your bags. You will be thanking me later.

Bring moisturiser, maybe even a mask. the dry air and dust doesn’t do your skin any favours. Plus it’s a nice way to relax at the end of the day. By the same token, sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen, before you leave your hotel in the morning. It’ll add a layer of moisture protection as well as that important SPF.

Don’t eat meat if you can help it. It increases the chance of Delhi Belly and it’s a lot more fun to experience the real local cuisine.

Avoid getting your meals from food vendors on the street. Unless you know that it’s a trusted vendor, or you have something to sanitize the meal with. I’m going to say this again, you really don’t want Delhi Belly.

Try the Lassi (if you’re not lactose intolerant), and try it in every flavour you can, but especially the mango.

Don’t be surprised that rice comes with most meals. You should be able to find other options, but it will be there, at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Walking shoes – make sure you have comfortable shoes to explore in. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world this should be a given, but in India this means something that’s going to support those arches, cover those toes, and protect those feet. Your feet will thank you after you’ve climbed a steep hill, a million stairs, or walked a very dirty street.

Pack a bar of soap so you can wash your clothes in the tub if you’re going to be travelling and staying at places where there isn’t a laundry service. The lighter you can travel the better it will be for you.

In train stations, make sure you know how much it’s going to cost for that porter to carry your suitcase, and your travelling companion’s on his head before you let him walk of with it, and if you really don’t want him to carry it, be firm, keep your hand on it and don’t let go.

Bottled water. Keep it on you, buy it from a reputable source (not street vendors), and don’t drink the tap water. Not even to brush your teeth! (if you keep forgetting, put a post it on the mirror with a reminder)  You do not want Delhi Belly (yes there is a theme here). And trust me when I say that the quality of tap water is not the same as it is in the West. But yes you can shower in it.

The Beauty In The Chaos Of Northern India Before I begin my blog post, I’d like to thank Meenu & Pawan Deol from Living Atman, Patricia Tallman, and Sony for providing me with the amazing opportunities that this retreat to India has afforded me, with particular thanks to Gustav Kiburg and Leo at Sony for allowing me to use their amazing camera equipment to capture the journey.