I really wish there were more fics that delved into how Akutagawa's love for Atsushi is different from his love for Dazai.

Tbh I just wish Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai were acknowledged more and I'm only now realizing it's so weird how nobody really ever brings them up? while it's all so evidently there. I mean, considering Akutagawa to be / having been in love with Dazai is seriously a perfectly feasible, consistent, realistic way to interpret the text without any need to bend or stretch it. It just makes a lot of sense for how his character is portrayed - his obsession with Dazai, his devotion, his desperation to be acknowledged and approved by him - and I think it's quite the important piece to understand his character. His love for Dazai is a significant aspect of Akutagawa's character, and it also explains why he's always been so vulnerable to manipulation by Dazai specifically. In a way, I think Akutagawa being so unmistakingly gay is also coherent with the way he's completely indifferent and even oblivious to Higuchi's feelings for him that lie at the light of the day– although, please note, that's a slippery slope that can degenerate in apologism for the way he abuses her, so I beg to be mindful when considering that.

Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai are in ultimate analysis extremely relevant for how Akutagawa falls and acts in the sskk picture: Atsushi being not the first person Akutagawa ever fell for, so in a way him being more aware of his own feelings than Atsushi is; Akutagawa falling for Atsushi first (and harder), because at this point he already knows he likes men, he already knows what being in love with someone feels like. But at the same time I believe that it's so interesting to explore how his feelings for Dazai are different from what he holds for Atsushi. On one side you have Akutagawa's feelings for Dazai being passive: not in the way he doesn't act after them, of course he does, but in the way he's always passively subject to Dazai's abuse, unable to stand for himself, blinded by his devotion to Dazai and unable to really see the damage he's causing him. Passive in the way that he's created this image of Dazai in his mind, perfect, god-like, static and unnatural, that struggles to evolve and adapt to reality. Akutagawa's love for Atsushi, on the other hand, is aggressive: always actively trying to hurt the other, always attempting to make the other suffer; it really speaks of someone whom, all his life, has always associated love with pain. Akutagawa hurts Atsushi because he knows love means pain, and he hurts Atsushi because he can't allow his love for him to hurt Akutagawa again as deeply and painfully as it's done in the past. It's a little sad. Ultimately, Akutagawa's love for Atsushi being the push Akutagawa needs to get over Dazai at last, something I fear he never really managed to do up to - I believe - at least chapter 53: getting over Dazai as something he gradually achieved after the soul-searching he did during his absence between chapters 53 and 84. Chapter 84 being the one where Akutagawa willingly, readily said “no” to Dazai in a way that was so sudden and surprising for anyone who knows him and that is easy to interpret as Akutagawa finally starting to free himself from the influence Dazai has had on him up to that point. That's why Akutagawa's sacrifice for Atsushi is all the more important and poignant, because him protecting (and dying for) Atsushi was never for Dazai to begin with.

I always always considered Akutagawa being gay and in love with Dazai to be like. the most evidently queer thing the bsd canon has to offer (and maybe the “you know the reason yourself don't you”, but I guess that falls under the bigger category of “Ryuunosuke Akutagawa is a character that is gay”); but now that I think about it, nobody ever brings it up really. I can guess it's probably because most people - including people who like Akutagawa and ship sskk - ultimately sympathize with Dazai, and even where acknowledging the hurt he's done to Akutagawa, don't really like to dwell on it or explore the relationship between the two of them which is... legit, indeed. Still, I think their relationship and Akutagawa's romantic feelings for Dazai are a very important part of his character that shouldn't be overlooked when trying to accurately portray him.

And the rational part of my brain knows this can't be intentional, knows Akutagawa wasn't written to be read as gay. But there's another I'd dare say equally rational part of my brain that keeps speaking up to say the majority of his characterization - his devotion to Dazai, his (can I say? tender) sacrifice for Atsushi, his mistreatment of Higuchi - really starts to make sense only when you interpret him as gay. So, sorry???

I feel I've reached the end before I've reached death Pick up the pieces of me, you can have what's left - Scum by Lovejoy

may 14th, 2023

you guessed it - hinata is once again 100% brilliant today!!!!

COUNTRY ROAD TAKE ME HOME🎶🎶

Televisorem sativum

Audiências Consolidadas de Domingo - 04/06/2023, São Paulo

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14/05/23

The World

Completion, integration, accomplishment, travel.

It’s such a lovely day it’s tempting everyone outside - even you!

- CJ

Every instance of One I could find in the new episode!!!

Happy WIP Wednesday! I would love to see some New Kings!

WIP Wednesday - 11/29/23 (Closed) | New Kings AU

"Dad booked tickets for all of us." Kevin says. "I'm going with you to get Neil." Kevin doesn't even look up from his packing.

"Don't slow me down." Andrew says with a scowl.

"I'm faster than you. If anything you trying to pack your bag with every article of clothing you know Neil liked back in college is going to slow us down when you have to check your damn bag since it won't fit in the overhead bin." Kevin rolls his eyes zipping his own backpack up.

Please I need to know how Mori made a slitted throat look like a natural death. Please

It doesn't get any better You can try and try But you're just a cog in the machine Apathy comforts me like a cell comforts an inmate It won't get better, I assure you Make no mistake, we're all going to end in the dirt I'll be seeing you soon - Warsaw by Lovejoy

Lunes 29 de Mayo del 2023 15:22 pm

Querida yo de Marzo - Abril:

Te escribo en respuesta a lo que sucedió después de esos meses, ya son finales de Mayo.

Sobreviviste a ese casi algo u andante, fue difícil. Durante dos semanas estuviste en una depresión asquerosa donde te la pasabas revisando el celular por si volvía a escribir, pero no volvió.

Sólo mira tus cosas, hace poco le dio like a una foto que subiste.

No sé qué es de su vida... no del todo. Te tengo noticias y quizás te hubiese dolido mucho.

¿Recuerdas los memes que enviaba de él volviendo con la ex o que tenia novia? Fueron dos memes donde te decía que tenia "Novia" y y en donde tu le dijiste: "Por fa, L dime la verdad si tienes polola, porque no quiero que una mina me venga a pegar".

Y él decía que no, que era broma, que eran sólo unos memes y que no te lo tomaras tan personal. Pero tu sabias en el fondo que los hombres son literales y son una cosa. Que no podía ser del todo un chiste... y pues, no era un chiste, era la realidad.

L esta con alguien, hace como un mes. Y quizás desde antes. Quizás fue mientras jugaba contigo, conquistaba a la otra chica y con ella si era el romántico, lindo y tierno que tanto querías.

Fue fuerte cuando desde dentro mis sospechas lo descubrí. La verdad no lo note a la primera.

Vi cuando cambio su foto de perfil como buen ñoño que es. Y es que sabes que hacen esto de tener la misma foto con su pareja.

Y revise sus likes y sus seguidores en ese instante, y no note nada raro, porque el nombre de la persona que creí que era, paso inadvertida como un chico. Así que no me preocupe.

Sólo pensé que lo había hecho de ñoño y de aburrido. Quizás no querías ver en ese instante y te entiendo, porque el dolor y el vacío que sentías era horrible.

Hace 2 semanas noté que no era un chico, es una chica y vi las historias de L saliendo a comer con esta persona. Y diciendo algo lindo, ahí supe que era su novia, me quería morir porque casi le hablo para volver a juguetear, ya que con el chico que solía tener algo me botó de la nada. Y yo quería seguir haciendo cosas y terminar lo que habíamos tenido con L. Pero los tiempos son perfectos y la vida me dijo "Para! Esta en algo serio".

Esta en ese algo serio que no quería contigo, que no tenía tiempo ni para ti ni para él mismo. No quería nada contigo, sólo quería usarte como un maldito juguete para no quedarse solo del todo y sé que tu también lo usaste. Pero él lo hizo mil veces peor, estaba con alguien mientras a ti te usaba. Porque literal pasó una semana desde que dejó de enviarte webadas y cambió su foto de perfil.

La verdad hace rato que quería dejarte y sé que lo recuerdas. Cuando pasaron como 4 días sin que te enviara nada y sólo te dejó el visto. Y tu para que apareciera le enviaste algo.

Recuerdo como te rebajabas por migajas, como rogaste amor desde la miseria y en como querías que fuera él. Cuando tú para él sólo fuiste pasar el rato con alguien que parece una maldita quinceañera llorona.

Es triste ver como nos usaron de esa manera. Y es que a pesar de que encontraste alguien después de dos semanas desde que este se fue, seguías pensando en el L, querías que volviera.

Querías que te enviara un meme y te dijera algo o que al menos se despidiera. Siempre fue él. A pesar de estar con él otro chico que te demostró lindos sentimientos (al principio, termino siendo peor que este).

Mientras hablabas con M, pensabas en L. Siempre quisiste que volviera, siempre quisiste que te volviera a escribir para salir un día y te hiciera olvidar este idiota que jugó contigo también. Pero no fue así, tiene novia.

Tuvo novia al mes de tener sexo contigo.

La verdad me llega a dar asco y rabia pensarlo.

"Con besos de rabia y sabor a venganza"...

-Winter🌨

Audiências Consolidadas de Domingo - 28/05/2023, São Paulo

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