sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye

i look at all tall women with extreme jealousy and anguish btw well not unless i am overcome by lust first

i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

Do you think the Snatchers and Bell-ringers are Pthumerians?

I definitely do! In fact, I believe Bellringing Women bit is hinted on by a description of one of the chalices?

Not only the looks, but also the fact that both Snatchers and Bell-ringers are exclusively found in Dungeons + connected with School of Mensis (whom we did figure HAD Pthumerians involved). Also:

While I was looking at Snatchers again for this ask, I noticed this super cool detail, that their necklace looks like a torch sort of...? And we know Pthumerians dabble in pyromancy + if Keepers of the Old Lords are any indication, fire - and setting your body and soul in fire - was sort of a sacred thing for them! Makes me wonder if necklace design is one of the tokens of that. Heck, their odd skin patterns might be burnt marks? Unusual color, because Pthumerians are still not quite humans!

(My headcanon is fire magic gifted to their kind by Wet Nurse that once was one of the crowlike Great Ones living on the sun but sacrificed like 70% of her body to help proto-humans to survive THEIR beast plague at least somewhat)

What also messes me up sometimes is:

There is clearly some heritage within Cainhurst! Annalise does recognise the meaning of that ring, too.

I personally do not think that pthumerians slowly evolved into humans on their own somehow? For me pthumerians appear to be sort of proto-humans, kinda like nephilim! They even have racial variety of their own - just skin that is bleach white and shades of grey, rather than beige and shades of brown. However, I do think that they are ABLE to mingle genetically with humans! My biggest hook is that Maria who looks as human as possible, can use fire blood magic that appears to be their genetics (at least / especially taking roots from Pthumeru Ihyll).

My lucky guess is that this line, the now known Cainhurst nobles, at least has had a long line of generations of pthumerians procreating with humans - only the strongest and the prettiest ones! - in order to weed out 'unwanted' genes and take the best from both species. Leading to a mixed line - super tall humanoids with very pale skin and permanent dark circles under eyes. Not always pale skin though, it depends on the region... But yeah, Cainhurst vilebloods had a LOT of arrangement I think. The royal people just tend to be like this about bloodlines :pensive:

These guys are also what gives me a hunch that pthumerians or humans or both were not really nice to offsprings that showed genes they considered 'unwanted'? Lost Child of Antiquity is a mob that is also found in Pthumeru Ihyll - so, associated with the line that eventually became Cainhurst vilebloods. Giant Lost Child is associated with Loran - they are only found in Nightmare Frontier (and stormy pathwalk to Nightmare of Mensis, which IS layer of Nightmare Frontier)... We did agree as a fandom that Nightmare Frontier must be connected to Loran, right?

So like, Giant Lost Children were disowned once they were born like this - and used in slavery it seems?? This is what whip lashes are? I think this also has connection with how pthumerians have gigantic variants sometimes - like giant Church Servants, or Shark Giants (my beloathed -_-), or the big guys in the dungeons with cannons and literal candles on their backs! This one might be result of painful birth mutation where it is mesh of human and this 'gigantic' pthumerian.

(But, I honestly do not have an idea what could have caused a mutation that makes you look rocky and have bat-like wings (undeveloped). I think Kin were involved though - there are themes of petrification from great blast of Arcane in the game (Eye Pebbles, Rom's "corpse" on altar, statues all over Upper Cathedral covered in dramatic manner as if they were creatures that ended up turning into stone, petrified people in Yahar'gul)... And it is Arcane-boosting blood gems that are grey in color, too. The closest to winged Kin we do have are Gardens of Eyes.)

I side-tracked but yeah, yeah they are pthumerians. Hell, I'd argue that Bloodborne Patches is easily mixed between human and pthumerian, just look at him closer!

I am yet to figure what did happen historically - how there are friendly pthumerians that do NOT act like zombies (like Chapel Dweller), what about pthumerians that seem to have lost their roots (like Logarius), why ones like Church Servants work for the group that has been actively raiding the dungeons where remains of their civilisation were etc? So many questions??

Though the gist of this I think, most remaining pthumerians have gone crazy from living far too long thanks to their unholy magic and rites, longer than what nature had prepared for them, but naturally humans didn't learn from history and attempted doing the same lol

my niece wasn’t feeling good today so I picked her up and held her until she fell asleep and everything was all cute and sweet right………………why did she shit in my bed 🧍🏽‍♀️

i think it is probably a sign of the process of healing from the trauma of having every word out of my mouth ripped apart, mocked, and treated as an unforgivable offense warranting Extreme Rage and Vitriol, and having it explained to me in excruciating and hateful detail why my thought processes and basic turns of phrase and the things i thought were worth expressing were stupid worthless gibberish, unbearable to listen to, and the root of everything wrong with society, by redditor-ass faux-intellectuals in my life growing up for being awkwardly phrased/not concise enough/mildly whimsical, that some days i'm proud of my meta and some days i can barely stand to look at it. but god that does not make the second one more fun.

also thinking about the shame around being too much and too difficult and how after my last relationship it started to bleed into being a brat too so now it's all tainted and ruined and i feel bad all of the time

I always think I'm dying cause some new awful thing will pop up and then I wait a few days and I'm not dead. Like the thing is still happening but I'm not dead and that's ok.

Most recently I've been getting like super dizzy and there's been something wrong with my brain and I get like. I want to say eye spasms? Idk what they are. It feels like I'm really tired and I've been staring at a phone screen all day like all the time. Even when I just wake up. And the top and front of my brain always feel wrong, and sometimes they hurt but it's not like PAIN pain but it is pain. Almost like a when someone puts a light in your eyes sort of feeling. Anyways the point is that I have been preparing for death or at least a significant amount of cognitive decline for two weeks and so far there has been almost nothing. Except that I struggled to read a few words I would have normally been able to read just fine but it's ok cause I can still read and walk around and I haven't started losing control of going to the bathroom

man im really fucking bad at hanging out with people no wonder i have like two friends

okay, i don't know why, but i have ALWAYS been like you described. i have so many movies, TV shows, books, podcasts, songs, etc that i want to experience but do i? nope, just put on another F1 race, please. i don't know if it's fear of the unknown (hello, flood of unexpected emotions!) or not wanting to challenge myself or also wanting to watch F1 and F1 just wins out, but here we are. i suspect it's part of my OCD? or some other ND thing that hasn't been diagnosed in me yet??

in fact prolly the only reason i watch F1 is bc i watch it with my sister. it is a lot easier to do new stuff with someone else...which deludes me into believing that if i just got a partner, we could open the floodgates and watch everything i haven't seen together, but lord knows it don't work that way 😑 in any case, i don't know what's wrong with us, but you're not alone!

I'm glad I'm not the only one!! 💕💕

(Reply ramble under the cut cause I wrote more than I expected)

I think I just struggle to start anything new or to finish anything. I totally agree with what you said about it being the fear of unexpected emotions/the unknown! Like for race seasons for example, I just spent a significant amount of time immersed in 2005 which is a specific set of information(you know: rules, strategy, drivers, etc.), so to start a new season would be a completely different set of info. As I said in my earlier tags, some part of me likes the anticipation more and also I always get way too hyper about things and that energy is overwhelming 😓 And I also feel like I have a fear about how much time I'm going to spend(which is stupid because I'll spend like way too much time aimlessly scrolling for the same amnt of time it'd take to watch a race.) Like the idea of specifically putting aside two hours to do only one thing is stressful to me, which is why I often used to like watching races when I literally couldn't do anything else(waiting for a class.) But now I'm stuck back in the cycle of not wanting to start something new, even if 2009 isnt exactly new because I've watched a lot of racing at this point, but still new enough to me that it's hard to convince my brain to start it. Like once I get into the groove of things, I can float through and enjoy myself, it's just that beginning barrier that's hard to get through.

I also definitely agree with having to watch it with someone else. I either have to binge watch things super quickly or watch them with other people, if not, I'll just end up never starting it or abandoning it. I think it's because it's really nice to be able to discuss your thoughts and feelings abt it with another person and not just be stuck with a million thoughts bouncing around your head(which is why I tend to make posts and then rant in the tags LOL)

I think thats why ive been able to get into F1 to such an extent and why it's been so fun for me. It's a live experience(with a strict time constraint, i.e. you can only watch it right here, right now) where there's a bunch of people watching and interacting. I love tumblr during a race weekend so much, I don't think I'd be obsessed with it as much if not for the ability to see everyone's reactions and interact back with them. I think that's why I struggle to start old seasons, because it's literally just me obsessing alone in my room and I can't talk about it to the extent that I can with the current season. Watching F1 as it goes along in a current season is just a perfect experience I guess, because the schedule pushes me along and I don't really have to rely on myself to keep going.

But yeah who knows!! Brain just being brain as always I guess, but it is annoying that it prevents us from doing things we want to do! But I will say, still, its so stupid that I procrastinate over watching 10 minute long YouTube vids LMAO, like pls I get the hesitation with a 2 hour race, 2 hour movie or 100k fic but, 10 minutes, seriously brain???

i have to work tmrw and i had a crush on this girl for like a little while now and it’s just so heartbreaking cause i got multiple crushes on the girls who are friends with me and the ones who i wanna become friends with. it’s so much funnier cause she is dating men right now and she likes/loves me and is in love, but if i ever said i liked her, there’s a 50% chance of her being my girlfriend, 50% of her not being my girlfriend and another 1% chance of the other girls who i have a “crush” on liking me cause one is dating a guy right now and i just know once i let her know, she gonna bully me and reject me 😝 /s (the other girl, not the 1st one)

omg mutuals quick vote now on your phones (if u want to lol) bc im incapable of making decisions for myself and i need advice. do i go on this trip yes or no. i have to have a decision in like an hour basically bc if i decide to go i have to start packing

YES:

pros: going on an adventure / change of scenery, getting to be more independent, bonding time w my dad (the only other person from my immediate family going), getting to see family i haven’t seen in years and visiting a place i haven’t been in years, could be fun or relaxing

cons: missing my work besties and the rest of my family at home and all the routines, putting an extra burden on my work besties, not having relaxing time at home, potential covid exposure, not getting much work done during an extremely (and more than expectedly) busy time in part bc of getting carsick while having to work during the EIGHT HOUR CAR RIDE!, having to take time to pack when im already super stressed, becoming even more sleep deprived, not having one on one time w my dad (or myself lol)

NO:

pros: not missing anything at work / home and having disruptions, not being exposed to covid, getting to relax how i want to and stay in my safe ordinary routine without burdening or disrupting myself or others lol

cons: not seeing my family, not going on this adventure, going back on my word that i would go, possibly damaging how my dads side of the family views my siblings and mom and me bc we never participate in any family stuff there lol

so uhhhh… yeah there are a lot more cons for going than anything else. i think what it comes down to is this. i can see my far-away family another time when it’s not so busy and i wouldn’t be missing work or creating extra burdens. i can go on an adventure when it’s more convenient for me. but the timing of this sucks and i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown from stress and sleep deprivation so maybe traveling 8 hours to see family would not be the best idea even if they would look down on me for it. lol

...

growth is feeling like u wanna unalive urself and full on ugly sobbing for like 15 mins before being like right anyway what options do i have rn