drunk me again, I feel like I make a diary post whenever I'm drunk bc I don't trust myself falling asleep drunk cuz my anxiety of dying in my sleep due to it, which is stupid and low ik.
anyways I spent my term 2 reading week with him and his sister which was cool and yada yada yada—He's cute and whatever.
but onto my main topic of this post, so drinking night in my dorm room, we playing a drinking card game. So someone picks a card that says "pick the person with the prettiest/best(?) smile, then that person choses who drinks".
And they chose my crush and he's starts acting shy then legitimately gets shy and blushes and his face gets red. While everyone is asking him to smile, so he tries but gets embarrassed and put his head in his arms. That goes on a bit of a small cycle. All while this is happening I'm like eternally saying "omg look he's red!!" but internally I'm really wanting to expand on the moments when he smiles that I find so cute and handsome and pretty blah blah blah all the simping terms.
AHHH I SHOULD'VE CALLED HIM CUTE OPENLY JUST LIKE MY FRIEND NEXT TO ME WHO WAS SAYING JUST THAT.
cuz the person who picked the card was like "yk his smile when he jokes...(that's a good smile) and it's contagious." which real. BUT I want to talk about all the smiles I notice, like the silent ones when someone says smth that needs more context, or be understood as an innuendo. And like for these he holds back his laughter/smiles and looks around the room to see if some1 else is reacting the same way.
And if I'm being honest I do that too, like a lot even b4 I liked him. BUT LIKE IM THE ONE USUALLY THAT MEETS HIS EYES IN THOSE MOMENTS. And that just makes me laugh even more. imma be delulu and say that he looks for me when shit like that happens (he doesnt bet) but it makes me really happy when I laugh after we meet eyes.
Imma keep it simple to 2 different times when he smiles/laughs differently that I like. Cuz I'm sure there's more that notice but I just can't remember rn. So the other time is when he's like dying of laughter, he'll like turn red from it and then try to keep standing straight up but can't, so he'll have to resort to holding his jaw in one hand and the other around his torso and like looks/leans down.
UGH HIS SMILE AFTER HIS LAUGHTER DIES DOWN AND HE LOOKS UP FROM LOOKINV DOWN BUT STILL HOLDING HIS FACE. GOSH HES SO FUCKING FINE? CUTE? IDK ANYMORE MAN.
anyways he's cute like so cute and attractive, maybe it's drunk me but I think he looks at me more when I'm drinking (it is drunk me). Imma debunk that by saying that's only probable bc im sitting across from him-ish and the drinking night is held in my room, so I have a lot more idk social presence? authority? so obviously I'll get more ppl looking at me.
i really think having an emotional connection is so important to bakugou sexually.
like, i think he has to be in the exact right mood in order to get off by himself at home alone. can't be too tired, can't be too stressed out, can't have too much on his mind regarding work or other things, and even if it's been a while and his body is sensitive and wanting for it—if his head is not right, he can sit there for hours and never reach his peak.
which is why i think ultimately he doesn't do it that often, because it pisses him off to waste the time and not find the release. makes him more agitated. i think porn for the most part doesn't help him because he's too picky, literature probably helps a bit more, but he's still picky, and his imagination can get him there, but his headspace has to be right.
i think he's slow to hands-on stuff, when your relationship starts, and you can tell he's going to be like that pretty quickly. he responds to your touch like it's an accident; you reach out to hold his hand and he pulls his back like your knuckles have knocked by chance, like you're too close. it's not meant to be a rejection of any kind, it's just—he doesn't want you to touch him if you don't want to. if you don't mean to.
but when he realizes that you mean to, that you want to—
it has him skyrocketing. surprises him terribly, the affect you have on his body, and how quickly, because not even he can always have that affect on his own body.
you reach up to push some hair out of his face and your fingers skirt his cheekbone and he feels like a stupid gross disgusting puddle of mush. you loop your arm through his and lean into him while you're walking and he feels like a prize, like he's yours and you're his and you want everybody to know and that gives him a rush of pride that makes his head woozy.
he's dropping you off at home after date number he-doesn't-know and you're staring up at him outside your front door and he knows he should kiss you so he does and his whole body lights up with a heat he doesn't recognize at all. just from that.
and then he finally gets it: that heart-aching, stomach turning, body shaking want he's only ever heard about, and now finally feels.
"Matthew's fired up! He's already expecting to be the godfather, he already said that right away. That's his expectation so he'll be disappointed if not so we'll have to figure that one out."