#…what the fuck is a German R? no fair *i* want a German R for grell’s dad
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ian and erin headcanons . hi im sane
Ian
Barely scraping 5’7
Half Canadian on his mom’s side
Bisexual, male pref
Straight A* student all aside from literature in which he barely has a B. Do not mention literature to him ever he’ll go mad
superiority complex . start the clown music . he needs to prove he’s the best always because if he isn’t the best then he’s automatically the worst
Very very autistic + low empathy. Prefers logic > emotion . Has a kind of “im not the weird one everyone else is weird I’m the normal one” view by accident
Complete Mama’s boy. you would never expect it but he is her little boy through and through
Gets along well w his dad too but they have very similar personalities and kinda clash a lot . Similar ideals just both very argumentative n stubborn . But god they will sit and listen to music for hours and just go full autism mode over it
Both his parents are very chill though. They are also both goths n r very proud of Ian
He's an only child
Voice breaks the moment he shows any emotion he’ll be talking normally n then get emotional n his voice just 📈
Speaking of which he is overly emotional and very bad at expressing it . very volatile person
Loyal to a fault and very justice oriented but also kinda holds these values to everyone without realising not everyone has the same morals . He doesn’t quite Get that not everyone is the same as him
Overprotective in a way that sometimes comes across as possessive . He’s not possessive he just has issues okay 💔
Phobia of the ocean and everything in it u will never see him on a boat ever he’d rather Die
Was good friends with Jason in kindergarten but kinda drifted apart from him as Jason got closer with Kevin. Kevin and Ian have never liked eachother insult eachother mercilessly. Poor Jason had to sit there and watch as they tried to beat eachother to a pulp. You can tell Kevin hates Ian because he rarely ever calls him by his first name
has a boyfriend in secret. Very much denies it. Only Erin and his parents know and he is trying so very hard to not let the secret out
Wants OUT of McKinley so bad . doesn’t even care abt changing his last name. I imagine McKinley is probably a bit of a small suburban town thats a bit of a bedroom community. The theme park is probably more well known than the town itself. Ian knows that if he just moves a few towns over then the name association will Go Away
Wanted to do astrophysics at college :) thinks space is cool as fuck
Resting face is worse than bitch he looks like he’s about to commit a murder in cold blood . Cold stare 0 emotions. And then suddenly he smiles and he’s just :D
Must stick to a consistent sleep schedule or else he’s a delusional nightmare
Stronger than he looks but would also probably crumple into 1000 pieces if he stubbed his toe
Likes horror movies but is lowkey a bit squeamish . would never admit it though. His favourite movie is Saw 2004 and he has to look away at all the gorey parts
Erin
5’8 and uses this 1 inch she has over Ian for Everything.
German ancestry on her dad’s side but doesn really know much about it besides that It’s There
Bisexual w pref for girls .
She/they nonbinary
Dyed her hair blue once and the ends are still kinda stained . Doesn’t care to cut it off because she thinks it looks cool (it does (it absolutely does))
Actual straight A* student and again uses this against Ian and teases him about his many struggles with Shakespeare
Collects bones n skulls n animal pelts and etc. Owns a few taxidermy animals .
Also very autistic n relates a lot to Ian bc of it
Is actually fairly good at socialising! just hates people
Parents do not understand the whole goth thing but are trying their best . Yes they did freak out when Erin brought home a taxidermy rat she got while out with Ian at an arts fair but oh well what can you do
Used to do figure skating when she was young !! still very confident at ice skating n likes to show off whenever she goes compared to Ian whos constantly falling on his ass. Let her have her moments of glory she deserves them.
The one who does the nail polish. Hence why hers is always perfect and Ian’s is always chipped bc she can always touch hers up whenever she needs to and Ian Cannot
Very aware of Ian’s superiority complex absolutely humbles him every chance she gets
Kinda obsessed w shitty low budget horror movies and indie films
Absolutely adores the art of SFX and fake gore / blood / etc n loved doing it herself. Halloween was her favourite holiday and she’d always go all out with it. Or would grab Ian and make him sit there for 2 hours. “come here sit down I need to see how realistically I can make your hand look like it’s been mauled” “Erin ew what the fuck”
Crush on Wendy that she’d never ever admit to. Only Ian knows and they have a deal where if he doesn’t spill about her crush she won’t spill about his boyfriend. Problem solved (they’re at eachother’s necks over it)
Makes friendship bracelets for her friends. Rest in peace Erin Ulmer you wouldve loved the Loom Bands craze of 2014
the both of them
Social rejects but they own it ™️ . Will literally take in anyone who’s also a bit of a ‘weird kid’ and convert them to goth subculture
Unfortunately this happens never it really do just kinda be the two of them vs the world huh
Dated for like a week once in sophomore year. Broke up immediately after their first kiss and decided they’d just pretend it never happened and that that 1 week of their lives just doesn’t exist. Did not happen ❤️
That being said though RAAAH WHAT ARE THE BOUNDS OF FRIENDSHIP. They hug and cuddle and hold hands and kiss cheeks constantly even if only as friends. Very physically affectionate though partially kinda to fuck with people who can’t seem to understand what the hell is going on with them both
“Oh yeah look at us nobody thinks we’re queer” “Ian we’re goth we might as well have it tattooed on our foreheads” “Fucks sake I can’t have shit in the 21st century”
Friendly banter is fucking insane they are just straightup insulting eachother. You know that one Gumball meme where Gumball is in hospital after being hit by a bus and he gets a card from Darwin saying “that bus should’ve ended you. love Darwin” that’s them that’s them that is them
They care eachother so much they are just bad at vocalising it so if they arent sitting there hugging they instead feel the need to be aggressively mean to eachother in loving and caring way
Erin is way more grounded and has more common sense than Ian who meanwhile is batshit insane at times and will 100% do crazy shit for the hell of it
Both of them rockin up to the town next door w their fake IDs to buy a months worth of R rated movies (fool proof plan (Ian almost got arrested once))
If only they had been around when Vine came out …. they would’ve been famous i tell u
#ian final destination#ian mckinley#erin ulmer#erin final destination#final destination 3#final destination#headcanon post#im so insane about them ok#literally THE best friends ever
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Heavy Hearts
Y’all. Formatting on tumblr SUUUUUUCKS. Just fyi. So if you wanna read this in slightly prettier format here’s the Ao3 link
Anyway, here’s chapter 9. EXPLICIT CONTENT
Rhysand is a busybody, some background info is given, Gwyn apologizes.
This is my first ever attempt at writing smut, so if it’s bad, tell me 😅
Pronunciation: Aby- AH-bee; Ommi- OH-me (like in German)
Ch. 9 Heavy (POWERS)
Rhysand couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. It had barely been two weeks since the incident at Rita’s. They were all safe and together at the townhouse (minus Mor-she texted last night saying she’d gone to Rita’s and went home with someone ‘Don’t wait up! 😉’). But the revelations from last night had his mind reeling.
He shook his head, finally vacating his cozy fortress of blankets to grab his emergency toiletries from his car. He and Az had taken over Mor’s room and Cass took the pull out couch to himself.
As he skulked down the stairs trying to not wake anyone, he overheard Cassian and Elain talking in the kitchen.
“How much I love him already. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some kind of sign that this is a dream or a fantasy that I made up to cope with reality.”
He couldn’t help but smile despite her anxieties. He had always hoped his brother would find someone to love him how he deserved to be-plus he and Cass already loved Elain like a sister. Caught up in the moment, he didn’t notice the front door creep open. But then something moved in the shadows out of the corner of his eye. He whipped his head to see Azriel trying to sneak back in the house.
“Where the fuck were YOU?!” He whispered. “I thought you were out back smoking.”
Azriel tried to hide something behind his back, straightening up. “I just ran to your car real quick.”
“What’s behind your back?” Rhys demanded. All pretense of keeping the two in the kitchen from knowing his presence gone.
“What are you talking about?” Azriel asked. His back kept to the wall as he crept sideways along it.
“You’re the one that’s been stealing the mousse out of my car?! I knew it!” Rhysand ran toward him, but Az was able to turn the corner into the kitchen, keeping him at bay behind the table, a wry smile on his face.
“Uh…..morning?” Elain offered, unsure of what to make of the scene unfolding in front of her. “Is this how you two usually wake up?” She asked neither one in particular.
“This bastard has been stealing my mousse and blaming it on Cass for months! I finally caught him in the act!” Rhysand ‘answered.’
“Well to be fair I’ve also been using it.” Cassian shrugged
Rhysand gaped at him. “You’re both bastards! I can’t believe this!”
Elain shook her head, walking toward the door to the back porch with a refilled cup of coffee in hand “it’s too early for this. What I said last night stands. We want our security deposit back, so watch the damages.”
~~~~~~
Ten minutes later Azriel stepped out to join her. He had grabbed a blanket from the living room and wrapped it around her shoulders as he walked up behind her.
She gasped in shock, obviously deep in thought, but quickly melted into his arms.
“You scared me.” She pouted
“I’m sorry. You looked cold out here.” He rested his chin on her shoulder while rubbing her arms through the blanket to relieve any chill.
“I think I might warm up faster if you were under the blanket with me.” Her cheeks flushed when she realized she’d said it out loud.
“Elain…are you flirting with me?” He asked with a wicked grin.
She bit her lip “Maybe”. He motioned for her to stand up, taking the cream blanket with light blue polka dots off of her and draping over himself. He held the corners out wide as he sat down, wrapping around her waist and pulling her to sit on his lap. The both of them giggling like children.
“Better?” He asked, nose rubbing the column of her neck.
“Much.”
They sat together in content quiet. Resting her head on his shoulder and breathing in his scent as he peppered gentle kisses to her own. Her hands on his, rubbing small circles with her thumbs.
Azriel sat forward, wiggling his hand between the edges of the blanket to grab Elain’s cigarettes on the table. Bringing one to his lips, he lit it, inhaling a deep drag. Elain turned her head toward him, slipping her fingers into the short hair at the nape of his neck. She captured his lips in her own- stealing the smoke from his lungs before tilting her head up and blowing it away from them.
“Fuck that was hot.” He whispered as Elain giggled at his wild eyes.
The door to the porch swung open to Rhys, Feyre and the twins filing out.
Az closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “Is ten minutes alone really too much to ask?”
“It is when Cassian and Nesta decide to shower together.” Feyre shivered, as if recalling the last time she’d been in the same house as them during one of their escapades. “I swear he sounds like a fucking animal. And not like ‘oh sexy. He’s an animal in bed’ but like ‘that’s an actual wild animal rutting in the forest’. It’s terrifying.”
“No, what’s terrifying is how much we’re going to have to pay to get that bathroom professionally cleaned.” Elain whispered to Azriel who tried to hide his snicker as a cough.
Feyre eyed the giggling couple “So, you never actually told us how you and Az met, Elain.” Feyre asked curiously. “I mean…. Obviously though Rhys and Cassian, but how did this” she waved her hand between the pair “come to be?”
Elain smiled as she recalled their embarrassing meet-cute.
“I did not say ‘beautiful ass’. I was sober enough to remember that I said ‘absolutely spectacular ass that I stopped to bask in the glory of’.” Azriel corrected the first words Elain ever heard him speak regarding herself. “I stand by that statement.”
“You really are an ass man, aren’t you?” Elain teased.
“I told you-I know what I like.” He responded by pinching her bottom under the blanket.
She gasped, staring at him wide eyed. “I can’t believe you did that!” She jutted her bottom lip out, pretending to cry.
“I’m sorry baby. Was it too far?” He kissed her temple, smiling as she melted into him.
“No. Just don’t make a habit of it.” She gave him a playful glare not too secretly hoping he in fact would make a habit of it.
“Don’t you have work today, brother?” Cassian and Nesta finally joined the group outside, the former clapping Azriel on the shoulder as he passed.
“Nah. I’m on paid leave while they investigate the ‘incident’ with Jurian. According to Perry they finished the investigation days ago, but he’s been holding them up to give me a little extra time off.” He tightened his hold on Elain, noticing she’d started dozing off. “So..Come on sleepyhead. I think it’s high time I take you on a real date.”
He slid his arm under her knees, standing up to carry her into the house as she squealed in surprise at the sudden movement.
~~~~~~
She wasn’t sure how to dress for this date. He refused to give her any information on where he was taking her. With autumn fully upon them now, the days we’re getting cooler. If she wore a dress she’d get cold, and while she’d love to be up against him all day, it would be uncomfortable being chilly for so long.
She chose a simple, but cute outfit. Black leggings with a white floral pattern, a simple white v neck and a black knit cardigan. She topped it off with her favorite pair of lace up heeled boots that were comfy enough to walk in for hours, but gave her ‘spectacular ass’ a little extra boost.
She threw on some eyeliner and mascara and plumped up her hair before walking downstairs to meet Azriel at the door. Rhysand gave him one of his ‘emergency’ shirts- a dark blue button down that almost looked like he was sewn into it.
“M’lady” he bowed, holdin out his arm for her. She curtsied, placing her hand on his arm “m’lord. They laughed at their own antics and walked out the door.
“So. Where are you taking me for our first date?” She skipped excitedly beside him.
“To start off, we’ll be taking a walk through the park.” He smiled at her. “Starting simple.”
“I think that sounds perfect.”
~~~~~~
“That spot right there-just past the water fountain” Azriel pointed to the trail across from them. A small playground with a few see saws and various creatures on springs in between the two “that’s where you kissed my cheek that day. I was already crazy about you, you know” he wrapped his arm around her waist, kissing her temple. He’s never been this open about his emotions. It was truly frightening how easily the words came outz
“I had a feeling” she playfully nudged him with her shoulder.
They kept on down the walkway when Elain spied the larger playground. “I’ve always loved swing sets. We didn’t get to play on them much as kids, but once I moved out I’d often find myself at the park in the middle of the night. I’d swing for hours just staring at the stars.”
“Well let’s go then.” He pulled her toward the awaiting play set. The few parents there with their children eyeing them warily.
They sat in the two farthest swings-away from little ears. “What about you? Did you and your brothers go to the playground as kids?”
He twisted back and forth in his swing “Once my parents got me, yeah. But before then..”
She smiled solemnly at him, but couldn’t think of what to say.
“I’ve never told anyone other than my brothers and Mor what happened-my life before this one.”
“You know you don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to-“
“But I do want to. I want you to know everything about me. And I wanna know everything about you.” He grabbed her hand as they rocked themselves back and forth on their respective swings.
“What happened? I mean-if you want to talk about it.”
He huffed a laugh as the corners of his lips tilted upward ever so slightly. “I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise, love.” He teased. She rolled her eyes.
“My mom lived on the continent. She met a guy, fell in love, and a few months in she found out she was pregnant with me…and he freaked. Turns out he was married with two kids already, and mom was his side chick.”
Elain kept silent except for a grunt of disgust.
“He tried to convince mom to abort me, but she refused. So he ended up having to tell his wife and she was obviously livid, but stayed with him for whatever reason-he was well off so it was probably for his money. Anyway, I was born, and mom got sole custody, but my sperm donor would visit occasionally. The last visit, he drugged her-she passed out for HOURS. And when he left he made sure to leave the door open. Apparently I had just learned to crawl and wandered outside. It was the very beginning of spring so there were still little patches of snow and ice; it wasn’t warm enough to melt it all away.”
Elain listened in horror imagining a months old baby alone and cold.
“By the time someone found me, I’d been outside so long I was blue.”
“You poor baby! Why would he do that?!”
“So he could either get rid of me or paint my mother as neglectful and vie for custody. Whether it was true or not that she was neglectful, he had the money to pay for a better lawyer…or pay off the judge I’m not sure which. He won. And I was sent to live with him and his family.”
Elain squeezed his hand, rubbing her thumb over his own.
“I wasn’t wanted by them. His wife hated me. I was kept in the unfinished basement, with a single sheet and a mattress. They gave me just enough food to survive, and that’s it. No lights. No nothing. Just darkness. His other children would come down and “play” with me-poking and prodding and hitting for their own entertainment until one day they decided to play with fire…literally.”
“Oh my gods. No.” Her eyes grew wider with fear.
“Their parents weren’t home, but one of the neighbors heard me screaming. They came running and that was the first time any of them even knew of my existence. They called the cops and took me to the ER..that’s when I met my REAL dad-the one who raised me. He was the cop assigned to my case.”
“He found my birth mom- wanted to give her a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of the court. But when I was taken from her she fell into a deep depression and turned to drugs to cope. So my parents, Drakon and his wife Miryam adopted me. Helped set up my birth mom with a rehab center, and we’re still in contact.” He smiled at the thought “Myriam-Ommi, taught me how to speak, how to read. I was the second to join the family, after Rhys. Aby-dad, transferred here not long after Cass came along to give us a fresh start.”
She wasn’t sure what to say. The rage she felt toward his birth father and his family was getting harder to control. How could someone could be so cruel to their own child?!
“How old were you?” It was all she could think of to ask.
“Six.”
She let out an angry laugh. “I’m glad you had Drakon and Myriam. And even though they’re the result of something horrific, and I know you hate them..I love your hands.”
He tilted his head, a cautiously curious look in his eyes. “No one has ever said that before.”
“They’re all fuckin idiots then. Your hands are beautiful.” She brought the one she was holding to her lips. “They’re gorgeous, and strong, and gentle, and so very sexy. Just like the rest of you.” She emphasized every adjective with a kiss.
“I think we should get out of here.”
“Why?” She asked, furrowing her brow. Had she done something wrong?
He lowered his voice to a raspy whisper, pulling the chains of their swings together “I don’t think it’s appropriate for me to be this turned on in front of innocent eyes.”
She stood up immediately, her cheeks blazing, pulling a chuckling Azriel behind her.
As soon as they were back on the walkway, he grabbed her from behind resting his chin on her shoulder and taking wide strides to not trip her up. Even he had to admit it was disgustingly cute how happy they were together.
~~~~~~
“Are your parents still around?” They were seated at a tiny little hole-in-the-wall pizza place that Azriel claimed was the best in Prythian. Sitting outside waiting for their food to come, Elain decided she wanted to know anything he was willing to tell her.
“Yeah.” He grabbed her hand across the table. “Ommi wants to meet you something fierce. Says she’s never seen me this happy before, and wants to thank the woman responsible.”
“Really?!” She beamed
“Yeah” he smiled to himself for a moment. “Aby too. He’s got a bit of a rough exterior-kinda comes with the job, I guess- but he’s always been kind to me and my brothers.”
“I’d love to meet them.” She told him sincerely. She’d never met Greysons parents. He claimed it was because his mom was agoraphobic and dad was a workaholic, but who knows how true that was. Either way, she was excited that the people who loved Azriel and gave him a better life wanted to meet her.
~~~~~~
“If I know my brother-and trust me, I do-he’ll be showing her his favorite restaurant right about now.” Rhysand whispered to Feyre.
“You know you don’t have to whisper, right? Like, they��re nowhere in sight, and even if they were they’d be across the street from us..” she gave him a look as if to say “there’s no way you’re that cute and that dumb.”
“True, but it adds to the intrigue.” He winked
Feyre rolled her eyes at him, but couldn’t contain her smile. “Why are we spying on them anyway? I don’t understand.”
“Well , Feyre, Darling, I still can’t shake the feeing that something awful is going to happen.”
“So why don’t you just tell them that instead of being weird and watching their date. This feels wrong.” She watched as they laughed and smiled easily across the table from each other. Watched as they tenderly held each other’s hands, resting them next to their plates and napkins. It felt like watching a romantic drama, but she knew the actors.
“I knew it.” Rhysand’s voice pulled her from her haze.
“That’s Gwyn at the table behind them. I recognize her from the police station.” He said flatly
They watched, enraptured by the scene unfolding before them.
~~~~~~
“Az, sweetheart…do you know that woman?” Elain whispered, frightened.
She had been staring at them for several minutes, her large teal eyes unblinking. Her face neutral, but those eyes-they shone with malice.
Azriel turned to see who was making his girlfriend so uneasy- “LOOK OUT!”
Rhysand dashed across the street avoiding vehicles and bikes, Feyre right on his heels.
He tackled Azriel. “What the fuck, man?!” Azriel stood up, pushing his brother in the chest.
“It looked like she was reaching for a weapon!” Az followed his brother’s outstretched arm to finally notice Gwyn standing at the table behind them, her hand reaching inside her coat.
Gwyn’s eyes grew wide “No!” She finished pulling out her wallet to show everyone “I was sitting here long before Az and his girlfriend got here, but I wanted to apologize for the incident at the police station! I was gonna pay their bill!”
“Why did you look so angry, then” Elain asked, checking Azriel for any bumps or bruises from his brother’s tackle.
“I was just deep in thought..I’ve been told I have resting bitch face.” Gwyn glanced around the small group gathered and sighed.“I know you have no reason to trust me or even like me, but, can we please sit down and let me explain?”
Elain placed a gentle hand on Azriel’s arm. “I think we can do that, right?” She looked at him earnestly
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah. Have a seat.”
Rhysand, Feyre, and Gwyn pulled up chairs for themselves.
“Go on, It’s okay.” She gently said to the redhead.
Gwyn took a deep breath “Alright. Well.. Honestly, it starts when I was a kid. My mom, sister and I were kicked out of our community. Mom grew up sheltered and was very naive, and was taken advantage of-my twin sister, Catrin and I being the outcome..but when the community elders discovered not only were we born out of wedlock, but from a ‘forced joining’ (as they called it), she was considered impure and not allowed back.”
“Mom was lost. She never lived without her community and she longed for that kinship again..and when Cat and I were three, she found it. Unfortunately…it turned out to be a cult. Their teachings really fucked with my head. But what’s worse, mom and my sister..they started doubting the leader. So they were killed. I found them the next morning, and had a full on psychotic break.
I was only sixteen…found alone three days later in nothing but a slip, two hours from where I lived. No car, nothing. I have no clue how I got there to this day. But I received medical care, got on medication, and have been able to live a mostly normal, but quiet life.”
She looked to Azriel, “Our boss-Helion-he’s a good man. A good person, and he gave me a chance at a normal job that I enjoyed. He’s been aware of my mental issues since day one-I’m very open about them on job applications. Anyway, I ran into some financial trouble at home, between my student loans, and some issues at home (that my landlord refuses to fix) and couldn’t afford my meds..and I had another meltdown.”
“So I was just the person you latched on to?” Azriel asked thoughtfully
“Yeah.” She said bashfully “You were always nice to me when you came in the office.” Gwyn looked at Elain “Plus he’s hot, so, there’s that.” Elain nodded profusely while giggling.
Azriel flushed as she continued “I guess in my mixed up head that meant you were my boyfriend, and Jurian, the asshole that he is took advantage of my mental state and goaded me further. I’m so sorry, Azriel. I truly can’t tell you enough how sorry I am.”
“It’s okay, Gwyn. Now that I know what happened, I understand. You’re back on your medication now?” He needed to be sure she was okay.
“Yeah. Helion’s wife, Sergeant Otoño, has been kind enough to make sure I have enough until I’m able to afford them again, and they’ve been helping me with my financial issues.”
“I’m glad” he told her honestly.
Elain piped up “you know” she said more to herself than anyone else “I think you’d fit in with our friends pretty well. We all have tragic backstories-at the very least you’d be able to commiserate.” She gave Gwyn a warm smile. “I have the strangest feeling you and my sister, Nesta, would get along really well.”
The two women smiled fondly at one another before Gwyn stood.
“Thank you so much for your kindness, Azriel, Elain, and I’m sorry again for frightening everyone.” She laid down some cash on the table. “For your dinner. You two look happy together.”
“Keep it.” Az said. You can make it up to us by hanging out sometime. Maybe one of our weekly ‘framily’ dinners.”
“Thanks. I’d like that.” She began walking off, calling over her shoulder “I’ll see you around work sometime. It was nice to meet you all!”
“That was really sweet of you, Az” Elain gazed at him lovingly, leaning closer for a gentle kiss. Without turning her head, she pointed at Feyre and Rhysand who were carefully trying to extract themselves from the situation.
“You two” She growled, startling even Azriel. “I forgive you for the intrusion. I know you were simply worried about us. But next time, for Cauldron’s sake, please just call.”
~~~~~~
No cars were in the driveway, and only the living room lamp beside the couch left on. “I think your guilt trip worked” Azriel mused as they walked into the empty townhouse.
“It wasn’t a guilt trip.” Elain huffed, making her way toward the staircase. “Not intentionally anyway, but..I think you’re right.” Elain suddenly felt very nervous. She’d been wanting this time alone with him for days, but now… now she wasn’t sure.
“Do you-“ she said at the same time as his “what would-“ they both laughed anxiously.
“I feel like I’m sixteen again..bringing a girl home and having no clue what to do.” Az joked, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I’m kind of feeling the same way. I- Azriel, I WANT to be physical with you.” She hadn’t turned around. Too scared that if she saw him she’s lose her nerve to speak.
He stepped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her middle. “Anything we do together is on your terms, baby. You tell me to stop, I will. No questions asked.”
“I know…” she fell silent. Enjoying the feel of his arms around her. “I’m just nervous…like a good nervous-for the most part at least..”
“Why don’t we just cuddle up, watch a movie or something, and see where things go naturally? And if it becomes too much, say the word and we’ll go back to cuddling.” He suggested. “Besides. I like holding you.” He smiled against her temple, pressing a gentle kiss to her skin.
A shaky hand held out behind her lead him up the staircase and into her room. It truly was like the first time again. They awkwardly sat next to each other on her bed while she fumbled around for her Roku remote.
It didn’t matter what she put on to watch, that tension filled the air. She settled for Bridgerton.
In an effort to ease some of the tension, Azriel placed his arm around her shoulders, lying back on the pillow with a hand behind his head. In his mind he thought it was silly, they’ve already kissed. He’s seen her topless. They’ve both been with other people before..Why were they acting so unsure of themselves now?
She slowly began to relax into him. First with her head on his shoulder. Her arm slid around his waist a few minutes later with Azriel’s falling from her shoulder to her hip. Not long after that she wasn’t even looking at the tv-her leg between his, halfway on top of him. Peppering small kisses along his jaw and neck drawing ragged breaths from him.
“Elain, love” his voice low and gravelly “you’re making it very hard to watch your show.” He was kneading the plush skin under his hand with every move she made, trying to restrain himself.
“I’m making it hard?” She teased, pulling away to look at him with hooded eyes, a tiny coy smile playing on the edge of her lips.
“Very.” He replied.
“Do you want me to make it harder?” She replied, biting her lip, as she moved to sit atop his lap.
Elain had never gone that far. She’d joke and make silly innuendos but that lust filled gaze and her raspy voice went far beyond kidding around. Azriel had no clue how far she wanted things to go. This was uncharted territory.
Her hands desperately searched for skin contact-reaching for the buttons on his shirt. He sat up and tore it off in one swift motion, tossing it aside. Her eyes grew more molten by the second as they roamed the wide breadth of his torso. Taking in every inch of black ink entwined with pink scars.
“You’re gorgeous.” She told him.
She leaned down pressing light kisses to every scar. Tracing her tongue along the ink. He knew she could feel him growing harder under her. He ached against his jeans, but refused to buck up against her. Not yet.
Elain sat up, pulling her shirt over her head. He reached around her back, undoing the clasp of her bra in one snap. “You’re gonna have to teach me that trick” she giggled as she tossed it in their growing pile of clothing.
He brought her face to his own, erupting in a bruising kiss. In an Instant he had flipped them over, trailing wet kisses along her throat down to her breasts.
“May I?” He asked. She had barely nodded yes before he his mouth was on her. Running his tongue in circles around her soft bud, bringing it to a peak around the steel before gently nipping with his teeth. She bucked against him in response. “You like that baby?” He laughed in surprise
He did the same to the other one-Sucking and licking to make it hard and softly grazing his teeth. She bucked again, letting out a soft moan.
Azriel began kissing down her body once again, stopping just above her leggings with his fingers hooked into the elastic. He looked up at her, her eyes half closed in pleasure. “Remember, my love: say the word and I stop. Don’t force yourself to do anything.”
She pulled him back to her locking him into a fierce, passionate kiss. She pulled away, looking him in the eyes “I trust you. I’ll tell you if we need to change tactics.”
That was all he needed. He returned to his position, pulling her leggings down. His eyes never straying from her own, watching for any indication it was too much. He finally looked down…to see she was bare.
He groaned with need. “No panties, Lain? He asked in disbelief. Her breathing becoming more ragged, her smooth sex glistening with arousal.
“I had hoped this would happen.” She admitted shyly.
“Tell me what you want, love.” He said as he began suckling her thigh, closer and closer to her gleaming center.
“I..I’ve never..” her cheeks flushed in embarrassment.
Azriel couldn’t help the slight edge in his voice “You were together for almost two years… and he never tasted you?!“ he asked incredulously. “No one has?”
She shook her head.
“Do you want me to?”
She nodded.
“No. I need to hear it baby.” He needed to be sure.
“Please” her voice barely above a whisper “Please eat my pussy.”
He huffed a laugh to himself, his male pride and desire thrumming through him. Positioning himself between her thighs, he drug his tongue between her folds with a broad stroke “Fuck.” he groaned. She instantly became his favorite drug, her taste intoxicating.
That first taste snapped the last tether of his restraint. He feasted. Lips and tongue working in tandem; He was a man starved, and she his personal buffet.
The sounds coming from her were absolutely sinful-The moans of pleasure, squeals of delight a melody backed by the rhythmic obscene squelches coming from her dripping core. It became a song he longed to hear on repeat. She tangled a brazen hand in his hair, holding him in place as she began writhing against him. He hummed in satisfaction knowing he was the first, the only, man to have her this way-free and unashamed of chasing her release.
Cautiously, he brought a hand up beside his face, wanting to draw every ounce of pleasure from her until she was a boneless heap before him. She felt a digit graze against her passage and her eyes shot open.
“Wait.” He stopped everything, looking up in concern.
“Not there.” She swallowed audibly. “L-lower.” She held her breath as she stared at him anxiously; Clearly anticipating a negative reaction.
“With pleasure.” He felt his cock twitch at her demand, absolutely positive he had never been this hard in his life.
He began working her center again. Taking long stokes further and further down until his tongue grazed her back entrance. He watched her face as she allowed herself to enjoy the sensations of his mouth on her.
He rose back to her pussy, fucking her with his tongue as he slowly eased his finger into her ass, gently loosening the tight hole. Another gush of arousal poured from her as he began fingering her in earnest. Her grip on his hair tightened.
“Az-fuck! M’close” her nonsensical moans grew louder and louder. She began fucking herself on his face and hand, writhing against him. With one last flat stoke against her clit, he felt her begin to clench, screaming out his name as wave after wave wracked through her. He lapped up every bit, unwilling to waste a drop.
He only withdrew his finger once she’d come down from her high eliciting a small whimper. “Holy shit.” Was all she said as she fought to catch her breath.
“Are you okay, Lain?” He asked as he laid down beside her, scooping her into his arms.
“I’ve never cum that hard in my life. I’m fucking amazing.” She turned toward him, kissing him passionately. The taste of herself on his lips sent a new gush of arousal through her core. She pulled back to look him in the eyes, her own gleaming wickedly “And now it’s your turn my love.”
She noticed the apprehension on his face. “Trust me. I wouldn’t have suggested it if I didn’t want to do it.” She kissed him again. “Now take off your pants, mister.”
She didn’t have to tell him twice. He stood up, making quick work of his pants and boxer briefs until he stood bare before her.
Her eyes grew wide as they took in his member. Not one to brag, but Azriel knew he was large-All of the women he’d been with found him difficult to take.
“Azriel” his eyes were immediately on hers. “I won’t lie to you and say I’m not nervous. Obviously I haven’t done anything with a partner since..him. But I used to enjoy this and I’d like to try with you..”
“I’m happy to be your test subject” he teased. She rolled her eyes at him. “That’s not-“
“I know that’s not what you meant.” His face softened “Elain. I am yours, completely. In every way imaginable. I want to see you grow stronger and more comfortable in your skin…and sexuality. I want to grow with you; we’re learning together.”
She stood up and kissed him gently. “I love you so much, Azriel.”
“I love you too, Elain.”
She playfully pushed him away from her, a mischievous glint in her eyes. He watched her curiously while she fell to her knees in front of him.
“If I tap your leg once, I want you to take over.” She said matter of factly. He still wasn’t entirely sure he wasn’t dreaming.
“If I tap it once again after you take over, I want you to thrust harder. And if I tap twice in a row, I want you to stop.”
She looked up at him, full of trust. She was laying herself a different kind of bare- Allowing him into her wants and needs; learning her rules.
She leaned forward on her knees, grabbing his length by the base. Her small hand courts hardly fit all the way around.
She licked along his shaft, collecting the bead of liquid at the tip. Placing her lips around his glistening head she began bobbing, taking more in her mouth each pass. She looked up at him from under her lashes, catching the glassy eyed look on Azriel’s face.
His head lulled back as she took more of him into her mouth. His eyes closed. A hand gripped her hair to ground himself. The feel of her soft lips around him-the look of her hollowed out cheeks as she sucked was almost more than he could take. She hummed in satisfaction when he hit the back of her throat. “Fuck, baby. You take my cock so fucking good.” He moaned.
It spurred her on more. She pushed past the edge of her throat taking him farther. No one had ever deep throated him. She grabbed the back of his thighs forcing him down further and further until her nose was buried in the patch of hair above the base of his cock.
She tapped his leg. He looked down at her wide eyed. “You’re sure?” She looked up at him nodding as much as she could. “I-I’ll start slow.” He agreed, nervously-terrified of hurting her.
True to his word he started slowly thrusting into her mouth. Keeping about the same pace she had. She tapped him again and he started fucking her throat harder, nerves dissipating watching her cheeks hollow. “Fuck you look gorgeous like this. You like having my cock all the way down your throat?” She hummed in agreement. “I’ve never had anyone able to take me fully. It’s like your body was made for mine.”
She hummed again sending shivers up his spine. He wasn’t going to last much longer. She reached between her legs with one hand, rubbing small circles on her clit. “You like this too, baby? Come for me again. I want you to cum with my cock down your throat.”
With her free hand, she tapped him on the leg once more, urging him to thrust even harder. He held her head in place as he did so. His balls slapping against her chin. “Fuck, Lain. I’m close. I’m-“ she grabbed his ass pushing him as far as he could go until he came down her throat.
She released him with a small pop, falling back on her heels.
He kneeled down in front of her “Is your throat okay, Lain?” Genuine concern on his face.
She smiled lazily, still coming down from her own high. “I’m okay. Just need some water.” She rasped. “Are you? I didn’t hurt you did I?”
This woman. He shook his head, smiling back. “No, baby. Far, far from it.” He kissed her softly “I’ll go get you some water. Let your throat rest, okay? And I’ll ask you about those sexy little requests you made later.” He winked, holding back a chuckle at the sudden flush of embarrassment dusting her cheeks.
@karomdr-blog @mis-lil-red
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Upwork Depression Posting
My headphones kinda fell apart on Monday so I had this whole thing about panicking on how to replace it and so I turned to the wonderful world of Upwork to try and find any work whatsoever that'd suit my current skillset.
And while I have currently failed at finding any work that doesn't sound too scammy to follow up on I have found a fair bit of like, interesting stories.
First of all it hadn't actually occured to me that the stories covered in like, clickbait human interest story channels were mostly like, scripted until I found a listing that just asked you to specifically write a script expounding on a story about a woman cheating and her husband finding out and giving her commeuppance* (*in a non violent way) along with the youtuber's reactions to the very definitely real story 'inspired on whatever vibe you caught from reading r/infidelity or similar subreddits'.
So that's like, an entire unethical thing that just happens. But honestly the most confusing one, (more confusing than the German guy who wanted you to write and publish a fake article about a fake boba shop solely to gaslight a friend) I've found is where some random indian (not saying that as an insult, that's just where their location tag said they were from) person posted a job (not their first in this vein judging by their job history) asking for someone to ghostwrite them a 5,000 word LGBTQ story for five dollars, and outside of the like, completely unreasonable pricetag (I can't even blame Altman entirely here because writing has always been an undervalued profession as it serves as this sort of, invisible and seemingly easy to make glue in between things) that makes me wonder who the fuck they are and what sort of life they'd need to live in order to have this as like, a reasonable thing to spend money on.
But yeah, I'm still looking for work (taps on the commissions open sign) but here's hoping I'll be back in like, a month with a tale to weave about that time I wrote gay romance for a Turkish weaboo audience or tried my damnest not to make a joke about reparations to the Dutch firm looking for a canva designer.
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Do u have any recs for klapollo in a non-aa au?
Fair warning i dont think many of these if any will be multichap bc my brain is messed up n i wld rather read an a million word singlechap fic than a short 8 multichap fics excluding like 5+1 fics if theyre multichap. Anyways this had me going thru my 125 klapollo bookmarked fics on ao3. But yes i most definitely do. if you walked away (from me today) is one of my fave klapollo fics ive ever read n ive read a lot. I guess u cld say its semi aa au but theyre in college so not rlly. Apollo is majoring in criminology n fashion n klavier is his model its so good please read it. This au is semi similar but it focuses in on the law aspect more so if ur looking for non aa ones id rec the first one more but theyre both Sooooo good. Me realizing all of these might be college aus sorry but taking hints is also one of my forever faves. Apollo is trying to learn german for an extra credit n klav offers to teach him. Cue misunderstandings oblivious apollo and more hilarity! Clay is in it too not very much but hes there so u shld read it. NON COLLEGE AU! This is an office au n its so good shut the fuck up right now. Triangles, Circles, Hearts is abt klavier keeps bringing apollo lunches for work n everyone else is tired of apollos cluelessness n klaviers obviousness its so good n i know theres another office au fic but its abt klavier stealing his lunches so if i find it ill link it here. I recommended this one in my other fic post so srry if ur seeing it again but Backup Vocals is a jove lives au where klavier is holding band auditions n apollo is one to audition its rlly cute n thalassa n jove r a nice addition to it. This next one is again kinda aa but like it doesnt focus on it n phoenix isnt apollos boss. i like you a latte (and other coffee shop clichés) is a classic coffee shop au but like x10 more frustrating bc apollo is oblivious but he gets there eventually. Apollos still a lawyer n works under constance courte but klav is a barista n if i remember right so is simon but hes only mentioned like once. Theres a like second fic to the series thats narumitsu i think but i havent read it Sorry im not rlly interested in narumitsu centered fics Call me fake but only aa fics i rlly read r klapollo faraskye n found family. Fifty Cents is so good clay n apollo work at like a theater that the gavinners end up performing and apollo n klav end up meeting i like this one a lot too every klapollo fic ive saved is my fav so maybe these r all biased. Now confession for this one. I havent actually fully read it ive been meaning to but ive only read the first couple chaps. Stuck in the middle with you is abt apollo being apart of the troupe n klavier comes one day to visit his mom wanting to collab. His grandpa ends up getting the idea to have apollo n klavier fake date what ive read of it is good n tbh apollos characterization in this is bitch alert (accurate btw) so i love it so much. Theyre both like highschool age in this btw. DIDNT REALIZE HOW LONG THIS POST IS SORRY but thats all i have for now but as a bonus u can have this cute klapolly fic of meeting the parents + misunderstandings itd one of my faves ever
#I am not mentally well!#ace attorney#apollo justice#klavier gavin#klapollo#silly klapollys#fic recs
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NSFW Alphabet Heisenberg Headcanons
For obvious reasons, this contains smut and is for 18+ only readers. Again, I’m posting only my headcanons onto tumblr, both can be found on my AO3
A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)
Very grabby, has a tendency to be a little softer. Loves a good cuddle after sex, definitely praises you constantly. He loves to wash you down with a cloth, wiping away all of the cum, the sweat, the blood, the tears, as he murmurs soft words of praise and encouragement, pressing a small kiss here and there as he does so.
B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
I’m not entirely sure if Heisenberg would like any part of his body - it's just a vessel to him I believe. I think his favourite part of himself would be his discount magneto powers because that gives him the ability to create so many new tools to play with when it comes to having sex with you, some even on the spot.
For you, he loves your hands. He sees them as soft and gentle and he loves the feel of them in his work-worn, rough hands as he pushes you down into the bed, or them cupping his face as you pepper his face with kisses, telling him what a good boy he’s being for you, or when their wrapped around his dick as you jerk him off in a way that has him melting against your back and rolling his hips up into your palm.
C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)
He loves cumming inside or on you, there is no way in hell he’d ever wear a condom. It’s a marking thing, he needs to make sure you know that you’re his. He doesn’t have a preference for where he cums, just as long as it’s somewhere on you. If you spit and not swallow, he thinks it’s a waste of his seed and gets huffy about it - he’d much rather see it across your face than down the sink.
He cums a lot and it’s ungodly thick as well.
D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
He’s fucked a lycan, been fucked by a lycan, and he fucking loved it. Was tempted to fuck a soldat but that was a little too much for him.
E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing? )
I’d say pretty experience, if anything, he fucks the girls at the village mostly to spite and in an attempt piss off Miranda. He’d mellowed out about a decade before you met him, but definitely he’s had the time to gain quite a lot of experience.
F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)
Lotus, or any position where you’re on top of him. He enjoys grinding up into you and watching you come undone on top of him, but also means it's easier for him to grab at different parts of you - this goes for eating out too, he loves it when you sit on his face and ride him to completion. Loves mating press too, when he’s feeling particularly primal.
G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)
By ‘goofy’ for H, I more think of sadomasochism or teasing you when you cum so hard you can’t see straight. I think he’d crack a few jokes here and there to make you laugh and you’d definitely have fun but for the most part, I think he’s more all about getting you riled up until you’re a trembling, begging mess.
H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)
He is a hairy, hairy man who doesn’t give a shit about his grooming - he would have a thick and large amount of pubes that are wiry just like his beard. If you asked, he’d probably tame it down a little, but if you don’t care, it wouldn’t even cross his mind.
I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)
Only after leaving the village will he 100% let his guard down to be intimate during sex I think. There would be a lot of praise and stuff whilst you’re at the village, but it doesn’t really become too intimate until after everything has washed over. I fully believe the first time he says ‘I love you’ was in German and whilst you two were having possibly the most intimate round of sex you’d ever had in your life the first night after your escape from the village. After sex is usually where he’s the most intimate - where he will murmur softly against your skin about how good you are to him and how he adores you and can’t believe that you’re in his life.
J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)
I feel like he’d jack off quite frequently before you were around and even then, it probably doesn’t change much once you’re there. If he has no time for sex with you and it’s literally just an urge to deal with so he can concentrate on his work? Then yeah, he’ll pull out his dick and stroke himself off as he continues to work without a care in the world. It’s just to clear his mind so he can focus on the task at hand, to him it's no different than eating or sleeping. Just something he has to do to get by.
K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)
It’d be a lot easier to list the kinks he doesn’t have - shit, vomit and death. Beyond that, anything else is on the tables. His favourites would definitely include pred/prey, bondage, overstim, bloodplay, watersports, knife play, choking, cumplay/breeding kink, cockwarming, exhibitionism/voyeurism and marking/biting. He does have a preference for an active and willing partner, that being said CNC is also something he would enjoy as long as it was clear that both parties wanted it prior to the scene being played out.
L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)
Loves fucking at his desk - cockwarming especially. Loves cockwarming during inappropriate times too, like during family meetings. Or fucking you at Lady D’s house, edging you on and reminding you not to make a sound whilst making it impossible for you not to moan or scream his name. Anywhere and everywhere is an option for Heisenberg, but the riskier it is, the more he seems to love it.
M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)
Literally, anything and everything. A breeze hitting him the right way will get him horny. You could be walking past in sweatpants and a baggy jumper and he will want you bent over the bench with his dick railing into you. It doesn’t take much, the man ain’t fussy.
N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Killing someone during sex would be a big turn off. Involving any talk of Miranda or Lady D would also be off limits.
O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)
Doesn’t really have a preference. Is a master at getting you off with his mouth and will gladly spend hours dedicated to mapping you out and causing you to cum again and again with his just tongue. By the time he’s finished with you, you won’t be able to walk and you definitely will have a number of bruises and bite marks against your thighs as well as a pretty decent beard burn going on. His favourite thing to do once he’s pulled away is to put his cold hands against your thighs specifically where his beard burn is, just to feel you squirm and attempt to kick him away.
Receiving - he loves throat fucking you, or having you kneel under his workbench, tied up nice and tight, with his dick resting heavy on your tongue as he works, occasionally reaching down to stroke your hair, scratch at your scalp or fucking his hips up into you so you don’t get too cozy down there. Your jaw and throat always aches afterwards and he loves hearing how hoarse he’s made your voice - he will always have a drink waiting for you afterwards, but first he needs to hear how well he’s fucked your voice out.
P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)
It’ll depend on the mood - definitely after leaving the village there is more of an opportunity for Heisenberg to reach a more romantic, slow and sensual pace (although it definitely happened whilst in the village, it was just rare as often Heisenberg used sex as a stress release as well as a way to feel like he’s achieved something or made someone proud), but his more natural pace will always be fast, deep and on the rougher side.
Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)
Good way to scratch an itch and was, for a good portion at the beginning of your relationship, the only way you’d have sex as the only reason you were having sex was to scratch an itch or for stress relief. As time went on, things changed and although ‘proper’ sex and longer sessions became the norm (especially because he loved to dedicate the time to map out every inch of your body and see exactly what makes you tick), he still loves a good quickie during the day.
R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)
He will try anything once, after all it’s how you figure out if you like something or not! In terms of risks, if it's a risk of getting caught, he is more than happy to take it. If it's a risk to your safety? Not on his life.
S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)
It doesn’t take long for Heisenberg to recover - unless you’re having a quickie, you best be ready for multiple rounds. Even if he can’t get it up, he will plaster his mouth between your thighs until your voice is hoarse and you’re squirming and weakly tugging at his hair in a vain attempt to pull him away. He loves feeling your strength pull away with each orgasm, seeing how weak and tired you become because of him. He’d never go too fair without prior warning, and if you safe-word out he will pull away instantly and be straight into aftercare mode. As for how long he lasts…..it really does depend on the situation, but if you have enough time and are in an environment where he feels safe, who knows how long he’d last. You have sat in his lap, cock buried deep inside of you for the entirety of many a family meeting, having to hide the fact that he was hard and throbbing inside of you. So, you know for a fact, he can last that long under stressful situations.
T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)
He’d make his own and have a little collection. He’d definitely think of something whilst working on his metal army, make it and instantly turn to find you to test them out. If it’s something a bit more intense, he’ll test it on himself first before seeking you out.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He loves to tease you and keep you on edge of your first orgasm, making it out that he’s close to making you scream only to pull back and watch you pout, beg or even scream in frustration. His favourite place to tease you, though, is in a place where you can’t protest or beg, where you need to be silent or keep whatever you’re doing a secret. That’s definitely when the worst of his teasing will come out.
V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)
It will depend on the situation (see wild card for submissive!H), but usually? He wants to drink in the sounds he has you make - he’s all short grunt and growls and soft murmurs of praise against your skin and dark promises that merge seamlessly with general dirty talk with small groans and moans peppered throughout. If he’s had an awful day, however? He’s much louder, much more aggressive. He needs to fuck his emotions out - and this is definately when his pred/prey kink comes into full swing. He will chase you throughout the village, throughout his factory, wherever he can, and is nothing but growls and snarls, every sound coming from his throat animalistic. He also bites a lot more too, claiming you as his, and it’s the only time that his sounds are muffled slightly.
W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)
If you get him worked up enough if you get the chance to dom him (he will sub for a selected few), he will always end up babbling out his begs in German. If you ask nice enough, he may order you around in German or Romanian, but the only time it naturally comes out is when he’s so far gone into subspace, so needy and desperate, that it’s just natural for him to speak his first language. In general, if you get him to sub for you, he will not shut the fuck up - all moans and whimpers and broken groans, small promises to be good for you if you would just touch him already . Bratty sub for sure, definitely into pet play. Will only ever be able to handle a gentle dom for obvious reasons, and has a major, major, major praise kink, both giving and receiving but get this boy into subspace and praise him and just watch him whine and squirm and ask for more. If he’s misbehaving at home and you jokingly say ‘behave pup’, he will get flustered so quickly.
X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)
Body wise, he is quite muscular but has a nice layer of fat to soften things out - it actually surprises you how strong he is from brute strength alone because he definitely doesn’t look it at first glance.
Cock wise - he’s more thick than he is long, average length but with a good amount of girth that has you feeling that stretch for hours afterwards.
Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)
I’d say pretty high, but he is also good at distracting himself from it? During his tenure at the village, he’s so focused on escaping that it looks like his sex drive is low to normal. But the moment you get out of the village? Have your own place where it’s safe and no one is there to stop you? All bets are off, he cannot keep his hands off of you. Half of it is catching up for lost time, half of it is just the fact that the man is permanently horny.
Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
When domming: He doesn’t fall asleep often, but he will doze or rest his eyes for a second and enjoy the afterglow. He won’t leave to go back to work until you’ve fully conked out though, unless something desperately pressing comes up and he has to go. He’d rather spend this small amount of quality time with you and making sure you’re okay before leaving you alone and even when he does leave when you’re asleep, he has his eyes on his monitor with a live feed of you sleeping, just in case something goes wrong and you need him.
After subbing: He usually passes out pretty quickly. Subbing takes a lot more energy out of him than domming does, so once he’s cleaned up and has received his dose of praise and love, he usually falls asleep with his head in your lap, on your tummy or on your chest. He can’t wake up alone after a sub scene, even the very idea of it freaks him out, so you better make sure you have something to do as he naps because once he’s out, he’s asleep for hours.
#toby writes#fanfiction#toby's writing#fanfic#angelicspaceprince#bd/sm dynamics#karl heisenberg x reader#karl heisenberg/reader#karl heisenberg#ns/fw headcanons#resident evil 8#resident evil village
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Therefore I Am | Russell Adler x Bell! Reader VIII
Series: Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War
Therefore I Am | Russell Adler x Bell! Reader
Chapter VIII
Word Count: 6200+
[Chapter VII] [Chapter IX]
Summary: After somehow reconciling with Adler, Bell and the team are left to continue their pursuit of bringing down the undercover spy ring, but it proves to be more of a challenge as Bell struggles to move on from their Perseus-affiliated past.
Content Warning: mature content, vulgar language, mention of drugs, torture
Notes: As mentioned, huge time skip! I also apologize in advance for writing this but at the same time... Yeah, have fun. Thanks for making it this far though!
[Y/N] “Bell” [L/N]
January, 1984
CIA Safehouse, West Berlin
"We’re going to be a bit busy this month, Bell. Are you sure you can handle the safehouse alone?”
You roll your eyes at Adler’s worries. “It’s just one month. Nothing to worry about if you guys do your jobs, right?”
It didn't settle his anxiousness. Adler's been rather nitpicky leading up to this day, making sure nothing was out of place, and that everything was accounted for. Now, he was talking to you as if it was your first time staying home alone.
“The phone is right there." He points to the landline on the table. "Sims will be in charge of communications between us, so give him a call if anything happens. We'll try to update you on what's going on with our end, but no guarantees.”
“Fine." You close the fridge, unscrewing the cap to the water bottle you just took out. "I still don’t get as to why I can’t go along, but have fun I guess.”
“You’re not going anywhere with that leg of yours.”
“It’s healed already!”
The entire team shuffles out the door, and you could hear their vehicles start up. Adler lingers behind at the doorway, watching you gulp down some water. You eyed him curiously, before tossing the plastic away. “Don’t you have to go?”
Adler adjusts the strap of his bag on his shoulder and straightens up slightly. “I was thinking… When we come back, I can take you somewhere."
A smile tugs at your lips. “Is that your way of apologizing for not bringing me to D.C.?”
“You can say that.”
“Is that a date then?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“God, get a fucking room!” you hear Woods howl from outside.
Adler tilts his head slightly over his shoulder, slight annoyance written on his face, before resuming. "There's a couple CIA associates that's going to visit the safehouse a few days. You're technically not supposed to be here, so try to stay out of their way."
"If they stay out of mine."
He gives you a final lookover, before parting off and getting into the driver's seat of his car.
You watched as he pulled away from the driveway, waving farewell to your teammates before closing the door. Now, it was just you and the safehouse in West Berlin.
Adler, along with the rest of the team, were called back into the Pentagon to go over the upcoming operation consisting of the prison transport. You couldn't exactly tag along since, of course, since you're technically dead. Adler said he would pull a few strings to birth you a real identity and all (like he'd done before) but so far nothing led up to him fulfilling that promise… yet.
Not all of them were going to Washington though, a couple being relieved of their duties for a short vacation. Mason didn’t give you much details when he left the first week of December, confidentiality and privacy a part of it, but you knew that you, in the end, were going nowhere. You also heard that Hudson took a small leave to spend time with his family (you didn’t even know he had one).
It didn't help that you also sustained several injuries from a mission one month ago, where NATO decided to attack a Soviet missile convoy out of spite for what they did to their training facility in November. To put it short, you took a good tumble down the snowy cliffside while providing overwatch for the team, and gained a small concussion and a fracture in your leg. It wasn't as bad as it seemed, but it was enough to make you limp a couple weeks.
You weren't supposed to be there, but you managed to convince Hudson to slip you into the strike team. Needless to say, Adler had ripped you a new one post-mission upon finding you lying on the ground underneath a pile of snow.
"How the hell did you fall off?"
"Someone snuck up on me. Don't worry though, I took him with me. Now are you going to help me up?"
The lecture that followed was a long one, but obligatory. It was his way of caring, you suppose. What better way to spend the holidays than to walk around with crutches while waiting for a tiny crack in your bone to heal?
Not much was done for Christmas, but it did have its highlights. You did wake up to a brand new black bomber jacket sitting on your desk that morning, and had a gut feeling who it came from. The rest of the team that stayed behind assembled together a small barbecue dinner, Sims calling the shots. He was a pretty good cook, you had to admit (much to Woods’ opposition). It was a casual day consisting of beer and food.
Now you have a whole month to yourself.
Sighing, already bored, you span around on the swivel chair you sat on. You already did your paperwork ahead of time, and even made sure everyone else’s was well sorted and organized. If someone had given you a heads-up that you were going to be stuck here, you would have put it off.
Pulling yourself back to the table, you plopped a notepad in front of you, pencil in hand. A good amount of pages were filled out, and you estimated almost 2/3rds of it were left. The pages consisted of a multitude of things, such as notes, drawings, or translations. There were a couple of times where you would try to sketch out the dreams you had while sleeping on the job. While they weren’t great, both in context and in technical skill, you were proud of it… kinda.
The notepad was freely accessible, and Woods would sometimes write little comments about the drawings in the corners of the page. Or Lazar who would try to draw the same thing. And it just so happened that you found a note that said “Bell has a crush” in Woods’ handwriting, so you immediately ripped it out and threw it into the incineration pile.
After taking the time to eat Woods' snacks to spite him, especially that last bit of Hershey's, you powered on your Walkman, shoving in MIX 2 and settled yourself in front of the arcade machine.
When you were hungry you would check the fridge, and everytime you expected some kind of new dish to appear. But instead there were just a few bottles of German beer, some leftovers, and a stack of TV dinners that looked like it had been sitting there for a while.
0000
Over the course of two weeks, you explored every bit of the place, every nook and cranny, and read every piece of paper you could find. There were newspaper clippings of the Kennedy assasination, old mission details and briefings, as well as some unprocessed polaroids. The supply area was especially interesting, a bunch of locomotive parts lying around.
The time did come where two particular individual people had come to visit. It was dead early in the morning when they came in, and you, who couldn't get any sleep that night, almost shot them when they entered. After de-escalating the situation, they were just as surprised as you were, but introduced themselves as Carson and Ben, the two CIA agents Adler mentioned beforehand.
Coming up with a bullshit lie, they seemed to believe you, and left you alone. If you didn’t bother them, they wouldn’t bother you.
It felt a bit awkward working around strangers, as you couldn't estimate their skills and predict their next thought. Being the safehouse members made you comfortable, so to be paired up with two random CIA agents was difficult to adapt to. But, it wasn't without reason, as the CIA eventually expanded their counteractive measures against Perseus.
The majority of the time, they were too busy putting stuff up on the evidence board, as Adler said they would. You had yet to take a peek, not wanting to disturb their work and instead would check the data terminal near the red room constantly, waiting for emails notifying you about what was happening back in the states.
One past email caught your eye, seeing how your nickname was the subject line. It dated to about late last year.
>>from R. Adler, to E. Black: Re: Bell
》》I appreciate your concern over Bell, Black. But, after some consideration, and do take this kindly, but I believe it is within everyone's best interests for you to stop inquiring about them. They're fully capable of handling themselves and have proved to be able to make conscious decisions. Any further messages regarding Bell will be ignored. There are more important things to concentrate on.
Reading Adler's defense against Black made you smile unwillingly. His words in text sounded polite, yet you could imagine his bitterness as he typed it out. The simple fact that Black would ask about you was a bit daunting. He didn't as much as show any concern for you in the past, and you never even got to see his face. You never really did take a liking to Black, and after what Nikitin told you, it felt like the only people to be trusted were just the safehouse members.
Leaning back in the chair, you let it turn on its own as you gazed up at the roof, wondering how everyone was fairing. They could handle themselves without you, but you couldn’t help but feel a bit hurt and lonely without them.
It’s just one month.
Two more weeks to go.
0000
The day finally came where the long awaited phone call arrived.
You just came back from the practice range when one of the agents walked over to you, with one of the safehouse phones in hand. “You're Bell, right? They’re asking for you.”
Setting down Lazar's modified sniper rifle back in its respectful padded box, you took the brick-like phone from Carson. “Bell.”
“Damn, you didn't even tell them your name?” Sims’ jaded voice came from the other side.
You grin hearing his voice. It felt like ages hearing him speak. "Well, thanks to you, now they know."
“You're welcome. I saved you the work. How’s it over there?”
“Uh, not much. Adler’s acquaintances are finalizing the evidence board, so it should be ready when you guys return,” you inform. “How’d the missions go?”
Sims gives out a drained laugh. “Fucking tiring, I’ll tell you that. They had us jumping from state to state." You could hear some muffled conversation in the background, and you could only assume that he covered the receiver. "Sorry, Bell. Some hardass wants me to take a look at something. Can't talk for long, but…"
He proceeded to give you a quick rundown on what happened the past month, talking mainly about the prison transport conspiracy. Sims wouldn't tell you what happened with the person Stitch was interested in, but he informed you that they were currently in the middle of interrogating a few individuals, trying to get information about Perseus’ next move. You didn’t have anything else to offer, sadly, and wished them luck.
"Also, just passing a message from Hudson. He wants you to look over the evidence board as a precaution."
"Yeah, got it. Anything else?" you ask, eyeing an impatient CIA agent who also wanted to make a call.
“Adler should be returning tomorrow.”
You fought off a grin. “Sounds good.”
“...You’re not going to ask about Adler?” Sims infers, a bit taken aback.
"...Why would I?"
"Just thought you would want to check up on your boy—"
You hang up, pleased with yourself. Sims was certainly going to hold it against you, but for the time being, it was a small win.
At this point it was no secret that there was something going on between you and Adler, and whether it was romantic or not was up for their consideration. You wondered how the idea even got around, and guessed it was most likely Lazar who happened to let it slip on accident. Nothing really stayed hidden around the safehouse, and if Hudson already happened to hear about it, it didn't seem like he gave a second shit.
Passing the phone back, you look at Carson dead in the eye. "Staring is rude, you know," you reprimand, before heading over to the board.
Your eyes scanned the mass of evidence. A culmination of decades of work, intertwining and connecting with one another all leading to one crime organization: Perseus. There were some pieces you had never seen before, and you gave them a quick read. A playing card was pinned right in the middle of it all; the King of Spades, the title given to Kuzmin himself. There was also mention of Naga, whom you've come to vaguely remember. There were a few yellow stickies on there, personal notes and thoughts made by the two agents. One of them, though, you had to do a double take.
Woods BFF is MIA
"What?"
Did you read that right?
The first person that comes to mind was Mason, but you thought he returned home to be with his family. It must have been a mistake then, or it was referring to someone else. But, as far as you knew, there was no one else as close to Woods as Mason.
"Hey!" You rip the note off, storming over to Ben, who looked up in alarm upon seeing your disturbed expression. "What the hell does this mean?!"
He begins to get flustered, realizing that you knew way more than he anticipated. "I can't tell you that, sorr—"
"Bullshit! I fully deserve to know what's been going on. Is it Mason?"
"I..."
Above you, the lights flicker, but you didn't let that serve as a distraction. "Tell me."
"Like I said—"
There was a loud bang, causing everyone to flinch as a result. You could see Carson's hands slowly glide across the keyboard, keeping a keenful eye on the metal shutters. Ben, on the other hand, backed away from you, withdrawing back to his table.
Dead silence.
The hairs on the back of your neck stood up in premonition, a small shiver running down your spine. Your stomach dropped— something was telling you to run.
"Uh… Ben?"
You saw one of the computers lose its signal, and then the next, the rest of them following suit. Carson sends out a string of swears, scrambling to try reboot the system.
That was when the lights turned off.
It was pitch dark. The fans that served as background noise ceased all movement, the electricity ceasing its currents.
"Carson!" Ben yells, and you feel him push past you. "Destroy the drives! Hurry!"
"Wait—"
But, before you could take another step, everything unfolded.
One of the doors was kicked open, gunfire erupting the second after. Diving behind the table nearby, you could hear the screens shattering, the fragments falling to the ground carelessly. The two agents cried out in pain for a split second, and then you never heard them again. A couple bullets went through the desk, narrowly missing you. The sirens went off, a red light beginning to flash overhead.
Someone was invading the warehouse.
What for though? To steal info? If that was the case, then you should have taken the time to memorize all of it if they were planning to purge everything.
Reaching out, you opened one of the desk drawers, feeling around. You felt something cool brush against your hand and didn't waste a breath taking it out, the object revealing itself to be a 1911. Checking the magazine, it was fully loaded and well kept.
Peeking around the corner, you see someone approaching your side of the garage. Although it was dark, you could make out minimal details of the uniform that they wore, and you freeze at the sight of it.
Shit.
You recognized that get up anywhere. Bland and lacking color, with tundra patterned pants and hooded jackets… It couldn't be.
How did they even find this place…?
The CIA mole.
Someone knew Adler and the rest of the team was going to be out. With their best members away, it would have been a perfect opportunity to attack. After all, what the hell was one lone agent supposed to do?
Jumping up from behind the table you aim for the person that neared your position but a figure from behind knocks the pistol out from your hand. It fell to the ground effortlessly, sliding a few feet away from you. About to make a dive for it, you ran forward, only for one of the invaders to bring the butt of their gun downwards to smack the back of your head. Your face slammed onto the ground, blood bursting from your nose. Something cold pressed against your temple as you tried to move,
“Wait,” a gruff voice ordered.
The lights turned back on, the backup generator revving itself into action. Black boots appeared in front of you, a few specks of blood splattered across the leather like glitter.
You were then heaved up by your arms forcibly, the gun now pointed at your left side. A gloved hand grabbed your face, and following up the arm you were greeting with quite the sight. He had a hood over his head, and a gas mask secured tightly around his face. Even if you couldn’t see his face clearly, the voice was unforgettable. You knew enough to identify him without fail.
“Ah,” you begin, giving a scornful leer. “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?"
Vikhor “Stitch” Kuzmin was not amused in the slightest.
"—Or should I say ‘eye’?"
The pressure on your chin increased with such force that you thought he would dislocate it.
You could hear the rumble in his throat as he hummed to himself in thought while you glowered at him.
“So, you’re still alive?”
His appearance didn’t show much difference when comparing them to your memories. There wasn’t a lot to look at, but the most outstanding characteristic had to be the whites of his left eye with that ugly scar Adler left as a parting gift. Around his neck hung a large metal piece of the Perseus symbol, and accompanying it was a collection of dog tags, ripped off of the body of his victims. What a sadistic son of a bitch.
Stitch lets go of your face, making up his mind.
"I would leave you here, but I have other plans for you."
He waves you off, and his colleagues restrain your arms behind your back. Any attempts to free yourself were futile, and you were dragged off.
Fuck!
You should've been more prepared. That 1911 was in great condition as well, you should have just fired it the moment you aimed it. And as a result of your lack of decision making, two people were dead and you were now a hostage.
The last thing you see is Stitch stabbing a pink flyer to the evidence board with a knife.
Your thoughts raced back to the team back at the U.S.. What was going to happen to them? It was going to be a hell of a mess to return to, and the idea that there was now a mess to clean up without you there to explain it all is going to be a hell of an issue.
How was Adler going to react?
Eyes widening at the realization, you internally screamed. Stitch's goal wasn't you, as you were just a surplus of his objective to get close to Adler.
A bag is pulled over your head, and is tightened to a close around your neck. The cloth of it was poreus enough to let air in, but it felt suffocating.
With nothing to see or nowhere to run, you were tossed into the trunk of a humvee. It wasn’t long before it started up and drove away, departing away from the mess. You tried to make a mental note of the amount of turns that were taken, but eventually lost count.
After lying down in darkness for God knows how long, Stitch’s destination must have arrived, the main indicator being a swift blow to the back of your head to knock you out, the last thing you heard being the engines of an aircraft.
0000
"You seem a bit eager to return."
Adler takes the cigarette out of his mouth and places his hands back on the wheel. Zenya gave him a mocking side grin, waiting for a response.
"After what happened in Miami, I think some suburban scenery might be fair," was the response he came up with.
Naturally, he couldn't exactly tell her that he was excited to see you again after nearly a month. Adler wasn't granted to leisure to phone you, so Sims or someone else had to do it in his stead. He couldn't help but admit to himself that he had a sense of yearning to hold you again, and it was becoming a losing battle as he fended off his urges to give you a secret kiss on the forehead when no one else was around. The past weeks have been physically draining, and Adler just wanted to rest in your presence.
But, that would have been unprofessional of him. So the closest he would get to you was under the guise of emotional support. And if he just so happened to hold your cheek, hand, or bestow you one of his mini possessions (as a comfort item) in the name of "support", then it's permissible. That kiss was… an exception to the rule. And it should only happen once.
Fucking hormones. He was almost fifty years old and there was still room for those kinds of tenderhearted thoughts? You really were a piece of work.
"Is there someone waiting for you?" Zenya prods. "I heard Woods mention this 'Bell' person."
"Classified."
"C'mon Adler. This is the first time I've seen you like this."
"You'll meet them when we get there."
Zenya gives out a groan, before waving him off. "Still stiff as always. They must have a high tolerance of bullshit if they could handle you."
"You have no idea."
The safehouse comes into view. Nothing seemed unordinary, nor was there the smell of something burning. A part of him expected you to be waiting outside with crossed arms as you tapped your food impatiently, but remembered that he didn't exactly tell you he was returning today.
As for everyone else, they were still awaiting for their ticket home or the next set of orders. It was Adler's duty to return to the safehouse and prepare for the next op, having to brief others on the evidence board and compare it with what they had learned back in Florida.
In his pocket was the souvenir Woods managed to nick for you during the clean up sweep— a keychain of a tiny jar filled with sand and microscopic shells with the embellishing of "Florida: The Sunshine State" engraved into the glass. He told Hudson it was going on the evidence board under the guise of it potentially being related to the prison escort.
It wasn't. Not by a long run.
The car comes to a full stop, and Adler takes the keys out. But, from the moment he planted a foot onto the dirt, he knew something was wrong.
Your motorcycle was parked in its usual spot, and there weren't any unidentifiable vehicles around either. He couldn’t see it, but something inside of him screamed danger.
“Nice bike,” Zenya compliments with a whistle. She rushes over in excitement, bending down to survey the components. “Damn, I’m jealous. Who's this belong to?”
“Bell’s.”
“Is that who’s waiting for you? I like them already.” The small talk was pardoned with Adler’s dour expression as he sent a quick look towards the roof, and Zenya could sense his mood shift. "What's up?"
A steady hum coming from the safehouse told him that the generator was functioning. He expected music to be blasting from the radios but it was dead silent on your end.
"Stay sharp, something off."
Adler's worries continued to increase with each passing step. Zenya followed closely behind, shutting the door of the car with a loud thud. They both stopped in front of the shutters, Adler knocking on it a couple of times to let you know of his presence.
You did inform Sims, who in turn told him, that the CIA agents settled in smoothly. Though, he was sure you wouldn't have bothered them in the slightest, seeing how you're a bit reserved upon meeting new people. But on the chance something did happen…?
After a minute passed, no one came to raise the door.
"...Shit."
Pulling out his secondary, Adler gestures to Zenya to go around the right while he covered left. With his back stuck closely to the walls for cover, he took the extra care to make his footsteps light to avoid alerting any suspects inside.
Gazing down, there were imprints on the dirt. The indents were deep and easy to make out. The owners were carrying something large, and they faced outward, trailing away from the building. There were tire tracks as well, none that he recognized.
After affirming that there was no other suspicious activity around the perimeter, he made his way to the back, where the door handle was hanging off of it.
No gunfire was met upon entry. Instead, he was greeted with the sight of two men who were splayed across their work desk, dead and riddled with holes. The paper underneath them was stained with their own blood. Flipping them over, their eyes were open, frozen in horror, and skin cold to the touch.
"Bell?" Adler called out.
No response.
He repeated your name again, trying to hide his nerves. "Stop fucking around, Bell!"
Did you kill them?
Adler perished that thought away the moment it came into existence. No, you didn't do that anymore. You may be brash, but you weren't that mentally unstable.
He waited to hear you respond back, but to no avail. Adler paced around anxiously, looking for any clues. There were only two bodies, yet there were three of you. A lone 1911 laid lonely on the floor.
Zenya returns in the form of a jog. "There's no one in the house. No signs of struggle either."
"What the fuck happened then?"
An audible crunch came from below. Looking down, Adler removed his foot from the object he stepped on, a few pieces sticking to his soles.
It was a Walkman.
The one he gave you.
Before he could even crouch to investigate, a bright pink caught his eye. Adler marched forward to the evidence board. A knife was stabbed into it, holding up a pink flyer that advertised the grand re-opening of the mall in Pines, New Jersey.
TIME WE END THIS
Clenching his teeth, fury began to overwhelm Adler, knowing full damn well who caused the mess. The entire evidence board was all about him, and it just so happened that he came to visit on the day Adler was gone.
"Stitch."
The name was cased in such hostility and loathing that it nearly made Zenya hesitate to get closer. To see Adler in such a state was seldom, and she couldn’t even recall a moment where he acted in such a way before. His knuckles were turning pure white, nails digging into his palms.
What a coincidence that this menace had paid him a visit after becoming the current spotlight within the past few months— It was time to return the favor.
“He’s trying to bait you, Adler,” Zenya advised cautiously behind him.
“No shit.” He rips the knife out, pocketing it. She was right, but nothing was going to stop him from going. With you gone, it only added to the terror he was about to unleash. “See if the lines are still working."
Adler walked over to the smashed Walkman, dusting away the fragments. Scavenging out the tape, it was still intact, MIX 2 was written in his own handwriting. Nearby was a few drops of blood. It couldn’t have belonged to the bodies, since it was a good distance away.
Bell.
His fingers pressed against the cassette, thoughts beginning to go awry. He couldn’t bring himself to rummage through the mess or check the rooms— Adler already knew what had occurred.
Stay calm.
He grits his teeth, slipping the tape into his pockets before he crushes it in his hand.
Everything may have been set up just to entrap him, but if your life was at stake, it was just a risk he had to take. He owed it to you. As much as he wanted to walk right in, the last thing Adler wanted to do was make a decision that could cost your life.
What more did they want with you?
He should have brought you along.
When it all comes down to it, these were the cards that Perseus decided to play, and Adler could only hope you knew when to pick your battles. He wouldn't hold it against you if you spilled the beans. If you were safe and alive, that was all that mattered, and anything that resulted from information being leaked could be dealt with. He'll make sure of it.
But he knew better. If there's one thing about you he came to recognize, it was that you weren't going down without a fight.
Don't do anything stupid, [Y/N].
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The sensation of freezing liquid was what shocked you awake. You had to hold your breath within that moment as whoever was there was pouring a torrent of water down on you.
With a deep gasp of air as the waterfall turned into a small stream, you found yourself in an unfamiliar place. There were a few shelves, stocked with boxes of miscellaneous items. In the corner were some large blue barrels wired with bombs, the red light blinking every five seconds. "N6" was spray painted on it.
While you were bound to a chair, Stitch positioned himself in front of you, gesturing for his comrade to lay off. There was a utility cart next to him, various tools and instruments laid down on each shelf. A repugnant feeling settled in at the sight of it, and you already knew what was about to come.
“Vikhor,” you greet sarcastically, “Your interpretation of a 'welcome back' party isn't what I had in mind."
There was a sliver of panic that started to bud within the pits of your stomach, but you buried it down. Any indication of weakness was something Stitch was looking for, and you refused to give it to him.
“What did you tell them?”
When you didn't respond, you were gifted a hard punch to your jaw. Still, you were undeterred, not even flinching. It was the type of shit you dealt with before, and you lived, so you'll do it again and again, annoying your captors as a consequence of their actions. They couldn’t do shit to you— you were too valuable. As Perseus had the bounty, you had information they wanted.
"Ahh, come on. Adler did much better than that," you taunt.
"I'll ask again. What do they know?"
You glared at Stitch as he crouched to look at his work. There were bits of your blood on him, and you noticed his knuckles were beginning to get raw. You could feel your already beginning to swell from that one hit you took, blood running down your forehead.
"Perseus had high hopes for you," Stitch discloses, and remains of jealousy barely detectable. "Who knew one of his most loyal subjects would turn out to be a disappointment like you?"
You laugh. "I bet…" you began, speaking in Russian. "Kravchenko thought the same of you, before sending you to the gulag."
Furious, he stood back up and grabbed the back of your head, yanking it back. The lightbulb above you swayed in a circular motion as it blinded you. You could see double images and halos (did he inject you with something while you were out?). "I should cut off that tongue of yours."
Don't trust Adler.
"J-Just like old times, huh? If it weren't for the general, we would have been at each other's throats constantly," you remark. “I wonder if he finally decided to croak. Would you guys invite me to his memorial service?”
“You ought to watch your words.”
Sense of time was lost as Stitch continued to badger you with violence and questions, but had no success in loosening up your lips. Your mind felt clouded, and the voices were already returning whispering unwanted messages and orders. You were bound to a metallic chair at your wrists and ankles, the arm rest already stained crimson, and you couldn't even feel your legs. Stitch had already broken your left arm and gave you a collection of slashes and punches just trying to get information out of you.
Even if you were, at one point, a higher position than Stitch, there was always that deadly aura that radiated off of his person that would make you stiffen at first glance. And now that he has a complete advantage, you refused to even buckle despite the punishment you were put under. Sarcasm was a great way to cloud it, but with him, it was like prodding a bear with a stick.
Know where your loyalties lie.
“Shut up,” you hissed under your breath, sick and tired of hearing manipulative voices.
Stitch grinds his teeth at your comment, before he notices a silver glint near your collarbone. Curiously, he pulls it out from your shirt.
The dog tags.
"Disgusting," he verbally recoils, "Adler made you his."
You held your tongue.
"...Good thing that he's coming here to the mall, eh? And after I'm done with you, he'll come to discover your body." Stitch lets the tags slip away from his hand, and it returns to hanging around your neck without a care in the world. Why he didn’t add it to his collection, you didn’t know. Stitch walked over to the silver table, picking up a well polished combat knife. Brandishing it, he took a moment to let its beauty sink in, looking at both sides. "I wonder what kind of face Adler will make when he sees his precious pet broken to pieces."
“Vikhor.” He was met with a dark expression. "If even one of your fingers even touches him, I will fucking kill you."
"After all these years, you're still an annoying little brat."
Your threat didn't seem to faze him.
"Is that how you talk to your superior?" you sneer, recalling the meeting years ago. It felt enthralling to act like this, taunting the man who held your life in his hands. Seeing Stitch's muscles tense at each word, hands balled into fists, you knew he could only withstand so much backlash before finally snapping.
It was a idiotic thing to do, but the fear had to be cloaked. Keeping a cool head would be the correct approach in this scenario, but teasing Stitch was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. This was the same shit you did with Adler years ago, and you were going to do it again, unintentionally or not.
“I'll never understand why the general trusted you, out of all people, to deal with him,” his deep voice projects, maintaining eye contact with you. He Tosses the blade into his opposite hand. “Look what happened. I'm the one that has to clean up your mess."
“It fits your name though— Stitch. Fixing up everything...” You give him a derisive smirk. “Just get it over with, Vikhor. Aren't you getting bored of beating a dead horse?"
“As a matter of fact... I am.”
Grabbing your face, he points the knife directly at your left eye. The edge glistened under the light, highlighting the little grooves and bits of rust in the metal. Your eyes follow it, going to the handle where Stitch gripped it tightly, before trailing up to his face, where the look of bloodlust radiated off of him. You could tell he was just waiting to put the knife to use.
“An eye for an eye, was it?”
He takes the opportunity to let the tip of the knife dig into your skin just right above your eyebrow. Stitch proceeds to slowly drag it downward, and you grip the ends of the armrest and curl your toes as you feel your own flesh being cut open. You suck in some air, preventing yourself from whimpering.
You may have been trained and conditioned to resist all forms of interrogation, but this was just testing your life endurance at this point, your sanity just on the urge of breaking. How long have you been here?
His hand prevented you from flinching away. It was excruciating, and you had to hold your breath to prevent a blood curdling scream from coming out. You could only go down the dictionary of English and Russian swears in your mind as white seared.
Stitch stops, the blade mere millimeters from entering the eye socket. His eyes surveyed you carefully, just waiting for any reaction that would grant him some kind of sadistic satisfaction.
"G...Getting sympathetic are we?" you strain.
The chill of the metal was already lost as warm blood streaked down your face. Your index finger twitches as you feel the blade graze against your eyelid. What the fuck is he waiting for?
"To think we used to work with you," he says, voice quaking with anger. His grip around the handle tightens. His control and handling of the knife was impressive, to say the least, but his inability to make you break was a whole ordeal on its own. "Such a shame to have things turn out this way."
You drew back your lips before spitting at Stitch. "Хуй тебе́."
It landed right on his mask. The brute didn't even flinch or budge, but his eyebrows were deeply furrowed, a vein popping out on his forehead. To see that you got him to such heights of vexation was an accomplishment. Using him as a doormat to let loose verbal insults and taking him lightly was no easy feat, especially with your own life on the line.
Sorry, Russ. I guess I am damaged goods.
In the last few seconds, you see the muscles in Stitch's arm tense, the hues becoming visible just as he delivers your comeuppance in an instantaneous swipe.
#bet you didn't SEE that coming#lmao so anyways ill see myself out#call of duty x reader#russell adler x reader#russell adler x bell#bo:cw#adler x reader#cod black ops cold war#black ops cold war#call of duty#fanfic#bell#russell adler#abcd briefing#having one eye in call of duty is a fashion statement now#but hey bell and stitch are twinsies now awww#text#call of duty imagine
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Hello! Can i request something for Leon? The NSFW alphabet? 👀😁
Leon Goretzka NSFW alphabet:
‧��⁺˚*･༓☾ smut ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
Leon is the softest after sex. He’ll firstly make sure that you are ok and that he’ll start cleaning you up, peppering a few kisses here and there. Constantly praising you and telling you how good you were for him.
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
His favorite body part of his are definitely his arms just because he’s worked hard for them and loves how you react to them.
Of your body he loves your neck and your shoulders, constantly having his head on your shoulder and kissing it. Your neck/ shoulders are never free of hickeys.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
He always cums inside you, it’s a way for him to show you that you are his. He’ll watch it drip down and scoop some up to push it back inside, always making sure you’re nice and full.
D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
He loves giving you beard burns. Neck, thighs or your tits doesn’t matter he loves seeing you squirm when his beard scratches you.
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
He has had his fair share and definitely knows how to pleasure a woman.
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
Cow girl - he loves seeing you bounce on his dick. Watching your tits move, one hand around you neck the other one squeezing your waist. Sneaking his hand up your back and pulling your head back exposing you neck, which is now free and ready for hickeys.
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
He isn’t too serious but not goofy either. A few laughs here and there are always shared.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
Besides his happy trail Leon is pretty much completely shaved.
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
Depends, he definitely loves to fuck you rough, however there are always a lot of romantic parts. He’ll always tell you how good and pretty you are. Sometimes you two prefer it if the romantic parts turn into longer moments and love having romantic sex.
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
He doesn’t jack off a lot because for him it doesn’t compare to your pussy. However jerking off doesn’t always have to be when you’re away sometimes he’ll love to have you watch him jack off.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Size kink - he loves how small you are compared to him and will always use his size to his advantage.
Breeding - as i’ve mentioned before he loves to cum inside you. there’s nothing more attractive to him than seeing the girl he loves full of his cum.
sub/dom dynamics - loves being in control and dominating you.
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
He prefers to keep your sex life private. However it doesn’t matter where in the house you are he will be ready to take you everywhere.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
revealing outfits
knowing you want him just as much he does
you being shy and embarrassed to ask him for something
wearing his clothes
speaking german to him
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
He is willing to try almost everything however Leon is everything but submissive.
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
Prefers giving. He can eat your pussy all day long. Enjoying how you pull his hair, how you moan, how your thighs feel around his head he loves it all. He will get so lost in the moment that he doesn’t even want to stop which more than often leads to overstimulation and him starting to massage his dick through his pants.
Obviously leon still loves seeing you on your knees drooling for his cock.
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
He usually is really fast and rough with you and that is what you both love, however he will also enjoy slow and sensual sex where you are able to feel everything of him.
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Since leon likes to overstimulate you quickies are often off the table . But before games he always wants to have quickies since you’re his lucky charm.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
Leon is definitely willing to experiment and take risks. He will try everything you want to try at least once.
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
He’s really fucking fit. He will go all night and make you cum so many times you forget to count.
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
Handcuffs or vibrators but nothing to crazy. He really likes when you use a vibrator on him too, enjoying the feeling of the vibrations and your hands on his dick.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He is a giver, he definitely teases a bit but he much rather prefers to give you as much pleasure as possible.
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
He’s always moaning and panting. Groaning in your ear and telling you how good you feel. He will definitely talk dirty too and throw some german in there.
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
Leon loves to be praised, he doesn’t show it too much but he finds it extremely attractive when you tell him how good he is making you feel.
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
He’s big, a bit bigger than average. Always stretching you out.
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
Not too much but not too less. He’s definitely down to fuck your at least once a day.
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
Leon will not fall asleep that quickly. Always cuddling you and watching a movie, holding you close all night.
#leon goretzka smut#leon goretzka blurb#leon goretzka imagine#leon goretzka#football smut#football blurb#football imagine#fc bayern imagine
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hae interrogationes multae respondeant quia demens .
if you read this entire ask post you deserve a gold star and financial recompensation
Um, Obviously because when you’re adopted by a white guy you automatically become white duhhh
this is about this post lmao and yeah youre absolutely right, you have to hand your poc card in when you get adopted by a white guy.
Do you think Cass would listen to Yanni, the YouTube channel epic symphonic rock, or some other stuff? There's some cool mashups but idk if that's up your alley, I kinda feel like I'm pushing it with my weird taste of music by recommending an orchestra cover of metal, but i just love that sort of thing and mashups :P @harvestyourcherries
i haven’t heard of that? but in my personal (correct) opinion steph listens to classical music, and then both modern and older, and then also stuff like black sabbath, iron maiden, but also hardrock and hardcore. i like the idea of cass just liking the most extreme screaming songs full of noise and then also listen to pachelbel’s 370th sonata yanno? THANK YOU for the rec tho
speaking of ur cass playlist hc...reminds of the time (yesterday) i found 2 playlists randomly on spotify from the same user. one was abt 3 hours of instrumental/classical "dark" & "nostalgic" music. the other almost 11 hours of nothing but hardcore bass/synth/electronic music. just an incredible tightrope act to put on in public. the synth one was also called like "psalms for synth sluts" which is Also incredible
tbh i LOVE synth SO MUCH like for no reason at all but then also cannot handle a poppy electronic beat lmao. but this seems like the kinda thing i’d do but just in one (1) playlist bc i just sort songs by vibe instead of genre? that’s how i end up with britney spears and billy ray cyrus in the same playlist.
Oh, I want Kate Kane playlist next! It would be amazing if you could do one when you have time and will 🙏
how rude would it be of me to just say no? like sorry kate but idk you and also you seem way too keen on the us military for an institution that homophobically targeted you? (and also commits war crimes) but let’s unpack the fact that the institution that caused the death of your mom and sister and also got you blacklisted for being gay is still one you align with???
'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' 'yes i am' 'no you're not' --- when i tell you i fucking screamed LOL!!!!!!! i can imagine the cameraman not knowing if he should cut to commercial or keep it on these two weirdos fighting on stage (bruce definitely ruffled dick's hair/noogied him right??
about this post but yeah lmao. this cameraman just turns to like the audience to get a reaction and it’s just multiple moments of CLEAR shock.
you are the only funny person on this hellsite
how egotistical is it for me to say that i get this ask multiple times a month? bc it literally happens so often it’s hilarious to me.
Wish there was more john/Bruce content 😔😔😔 was so hungry I actually looked at canon media 😔😔😔 (Justice League Dark babeeeyyyyyy)
check out batman: damned for some mediocre content but at least it’s john/bruce (also very interesting story and stuff, just got very >:( over this weird part where harley quinn tried to r*pe bruce or something? it’s not for everyone)
dick grayson but he's nicki minaj
his anaconda don’t want none,,, unless......
Dick Grayson was never a cop, he played Marshall on Paw Patrol
you are SO right. also paw patrol is a fucking good show idc. that shit could’ve been the new steven universe on this hellsite.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CS1lI0bLI7-/?utm_medium=copy_link
...
why do people keep reposting my CONTENT. if you are not funny yourself don’t just grab shit off of tumblr and post it on insta,,, get a life. sidenote: should i start an insta and get all these ppl to take my content down that would be funny as hell.
Might I suggest for a Gotham City Meme: something about the true crime fandom thirsting for the rogues gallery
ok can i just say something slightly controversial?? no? i don’t find true crime ppl who are into criminals funny, that shits disturbing irl im not gonna bring that into my very chill universe.
i may have never seen a 'jason cleaning guns in sink' fic but i do know he WOULD
THANK YOU
bestie im sorry to say this to you but while you can, and people do wash their guns in the sink, that is a lot of lead in a very vital part of the kitchen.
people tend to do it in the bathtub.
WHY???? like damn why do you even have guns
i dont think i read many gun sink fics exactly but i have read lots of fics where jason cleanes his guns in the living room. usualy dissembles them and cleans them with a rag i think
lmao fair enough, like i think that’s a large part of what i remember as well.
if you say you've seen/read gun sink fics I believe you. I think those of us who didn't see them are lucky or maybe didn't search for fics by tags or something idk
i mean ive never sought them out but i HAVE seen them,, like definitely i know almost for certain.
saw your tags and I'm interested in Steph/Kara now. They would be the most chaotic couple <3
literally thoooo, i have a wip where they get together in a zombie apocalypse and like UGGGHhhh i am so in love with them.
I am the Breece anon. Thanks for the recommendation; am reading now. I’ve always been a hardcore Superman fan because I love my pure himbo farm boy. My logic is, if one Bruce is a Broose, then multiple Broose are a herd of Breece. And this is a hill upon which I will perish.
fair enough,,,, like moose, meese, goose, geese, bruce, breece. i get your logic and i stand by it as well. (glad you enjoyed the comic recs!!!!)
It's a beautiful day in Gotham, and you are a group of horrible Breece
OH my god dude lmao
there only being 42 fics on ao3 for tim and bernard is honestly so sad i need more
it’s like twice that now!!! we did it lads. (tho very sad that my fic isnt number one but like number 4 :(((( )
i'm too late you already did the poll lol but may i suggest bethy (bernard + timothy)
shit dude that wouldve been so fucking funnyyyyy. think ppl have just stuck to timber tho, tim/bernard kinda died down recently and i think it’s too bad, they’re a great couple and i love them.
Wait, hear me out
Bernothy @redlightofdawn
great recommendation (lmao this ask is from like a month ago) but very sorry to announce that NARDTH is the superior shipname
Wait, we know that bernard likes milfs (Tim's step-mom) but what about dilfs? gilfs?
Wait no, I regret sending that ask
these were two seperate asks and they’re HILARIOUS. in my personal opinion tho,,, milfs, gilfs, dilfs are just about vibes and bernard is just attracted to sexy ppl who may sometimes be milfs, dilfs, or EVEN gilfs.
crime in bludhaven would drop to half if nightwing had a boob window. in this essay i will-
WHERE’S THE ESSAY ANON, WHERE’S THE FUCKING ESSAY
Wait if Barbra and Tim r at opposite ends at all times what happened to Barbra once everyone’s Tim’s ever love before started dying lol
she won a lottery ticket and spent 2 weeks on a resort in the bahamas before returning home and finding out that the joker was arrested for tax evasion and then spent a month staying at her big tiddie goth girlfriend’s house before conner came back to life and she broke her pinkie playing table hockey.
Why is the opposite end thing so funny and compelling to me. Tim comes back from his depression quest for Bruce and Babs is now a literal god
lmao when tim loses his spleen barbara reaches nirvana.
Are you still taking music recs because I have three songs that remind me of Jason that I think you'd like
send to me or lose a toe
🌸 ⭐ put this star into the inbox of your favorite blogs. it’s time to spread positivity! ⭐🌸😋
thanks, i wont tho on account of i wont.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMduBy3Sr/
⬆️
This is the whole of Blüdhaven and everyone anywhere.
Nightwings ass alone saves more people in a calendar year and does more for so society than most heroes do their whole career.Also u are one of the funniest tumblr pages out there. The vibes are unmatched and the memes and tags ✨send me✨.Thank u and goodnight @julia-flow
fanksss also lmao.
That's going to be a little bit difficult to explain, but
There's some music that you listen to and you think, "oh my gosh, I can perfectly imagine Dick Grayson singing this song, with the same voice as the singer because that voice matches with Dick Grayson"?
oh yeah totally lmao. i have a lot of songs that i think are just entirely dick grayson yanno? kind of all of my playlists have that vibe, but i really find bleachers to fit with dick? idk.
"Lois lane/Superman" fics this, "Lois lane/Clark Kent" fics that, (/lh) let's get into the real good stuff. Some people ship Lois, Clark, and Superman as a throuple. Most popular fic tag for sure
yes totally, i think they’d be absolutely killer on ao3 and clark gets so fucking embarassed about it.
I miss your post, hope you’re doing okay!!
haha this was like 2 months ago, but i was doing fine then too! just didn’t have a lot of inspiration in terms of content.
Doot doot!
noot noot
I’m confused. What did DC do now? Like with nightwing? And another sibling? Please spoil everything for me
lmao they gave him a secret sister plotline where they had his dad cheat on his mom with tony zucco’s wife, bc dick’s life wasn’t traumatic enough yet.
sorry but it's so funny that batman is called "the dark knight" when the gotham city baseball team is called the gotham knights. it'd be like if a vigilante was running around new york called like "the scary yankee"
lmaooo no. but like yankee comes from dutch names or something so wouldnt it be HILARIOUS if gotham knights came from like german names and bruce would be running around called the dark KLAUS UND NIEK @graysonnightwing
(not a batcest shipper) it’s so funny to me that the responses are “i’m a batcest shipper because i can differentiate fiction from reality and and it doesn’t bother me personally, but i understand why you oils think it’s weird” to “i wish all batcest shippers a very fucking die”
yeah lmaoo. i personally basically flipped my entire stance around to ‘i dont care please leave me and everybody else alone’ bc i think there’s really no point in starting a moral dillema over some fucking fandom bullshit. Please just,,, go home,,, log off, find a nice forest to have a little walk in and remember that somewhere in history, somebody probably died in the place you’re standing. and you will also die someday, and somebody will have to look at your internet usage and see you fighting multiple people anonymously while being named ‘nightwingsbuttchin200186′ like... calm down, we’re all gonna die this is not the thing to worry about.
so since like "wards" don't really exist in modern society almost all the batkids are foster kids, right? i used to work in the system and imagine: monthly visits from social workers and guardian ad litems, bruce having to get permission to take the boys anywhere out of state, calling their social worker at like 8 a.m. like "yeah dick broke his arm again... a gymnastics accident this time...." their poor social worker. bruce send her a huge bouquet and box of chocolates every month to stay on her good side
i imagine the social worker just getting into the case like ‘yeah let’s get this kid a good guardian’ and then ending up having to work with 22 y/o bruce wayne and his 50 y/o dad. and so this social worker is like ‘okay we can work with this, this is the best home i can find’ and then like it ends up landing on its feet and then the kid gets adopted and then they get a call a year later like ‘uhm so hi, this kid tried to steal my tyres can i adopt him?’ and like 3 years later. ‘okay so basically, my neighbours’ kid imprinted on me and now they’re dead, can i keep him?’ two years later it’s like ‘okay so this assassin child-’
ever since I saw that one post of yours, the meme that's something like "I know that abba's backup dancer got me" with a picture of discowing, I've been haunted. Every once in a while I'll be minding my own business then the image of abba's backup dancer dick grayson aka nightwing aka discowing will flash in my mind and I'll be frozen in place. Today at work I was in the middle of folding clothes and suddenly once again discowing entered my mind and I suddenly lost the ability to see anything except He. Thank you.
wow. the IMPACT.
Braver than any US marine man props to you🤝
this shit is about the time i wrote an article on batcest, like man,,, the fact that i didn’t get cancelled is MIRACULOUS. also like,,, uh if anybody on here did gossip on me,, send screenshots i’d love to see it.
Hello, just wanted to say your article was great. Thank you for taking the time to provide an unbaised answer. It should provide people with nuances they couldn't possibly conjure on their own.
May I ask where your username originates from?
yes you may (also thanks!!!) i thought it up when i was trying to find an original username bc i didnt want to be called like ‘timdrakes something something’ or ‘jason todd something smoething’ or ‘dick grayson something something’ yanno? so i thought batarangs, they sound so dumb and that’s my username story... now it’s my whole entire brand lmao.
yno that bit in kick ass where red mist asks kick ass if he wants a hit of his blunt, was that the inspo for stoner tim
no? it’s bc i think stoners are hilarious and drugs are great. (dont do drugs tho)
How would u feel if someone actually wore one of those bruce or ollie pride shirts u edited
fenomenal next question.
Dick as lil huddy and Jason as James gave me radiation poisoning and now I’m screaming crying throwing up so thx for that
(Rico suave as Tim is perfect tho literally no changes needed)
i was so funny for that shit wasn’t i??? lmao i loved those weird ass fancasts
You're doing the Lord's work by providing us with all these Gotham/Metropolis citizens memes, thank you for being so relentlessly funny @nellethiel-aranel
you’re welcome!! i really enjoy making memes, but getting validation for my content and my memes is REALLY nice.
Bruce is such a slut in your memes and honestly i love that for him @rhodey-rhudert-rhodes-main
he’s that much of a slut irl too dw.
Bruce and Alfred have an emergency pride flag for the batkids. Oliver Queen printed an emergency "I love my gay son" t-shirt and as soon as Roy told him he was dating Jason, Oliver started wearing that shirt everyday and Roy always cringes when he sees it. Oliver also has an emergency "I love my lesbian daughter" shirt just in case for Cissie.
lmao YES i had a post like this bc like all of their kids/family members are so gayy
stop bringing back batfam fancasts it is not real it is not real it is not- 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
oh yes it is my darling.
did discowing burn down the notredam because he hates the bees? @allulily
no he did it bc fuck the french.
im gonna beg for 1 thing and 1 thing only. please please please put physical by olivia newton john on dick's playlist
okay then beg. bc i wont. physical reminds me too much of glee and that hurts me mentally.
your playlist is sorely missing some Madonna. Specifically Into the Groove, Like a Prayer, and Vogue
i’m scared of madonna that’s why she’s not on there. she haunts me in my dreams.
suggestion: son of batman by aaron dews for dick’s playlist🤩
sorry, i listened to it and the vibe didn’t agree with me.
Hear me out, metropolis citizens sending rare pair fics of Clark Kent x Superman fics to Lois to edit
yes, absolutely hilarious. even more funny if they send like physical copies, no address attached and lois sends it back marked with red ink, SOMEHOW
Imagine all the smut Clark must of read editing the fics
clark reads smut confirmeeed
NOT LOIS READING SUPERBAT PORN AND EDITING IT A 2AM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
hc that alfred is a meta that boosts healing factor of the people around him. if the bats are injured as much as they seem to be they would be doing bat stuff MAYBE half the year. no one including alfred knows about this. whenever the kids move out they inexplicably dont recover from injuries as fast and feel better whenever they visit the manor they just chalk it up to homesickness. bruce just thinks he heals really fast. alfred thinks everyone doesnt take care of themselves properly @finchcollector
that’s actually such a great idea, but i think that alfred would find out and learn how to concentrate it better so he can help more people, bc he’s great and i love him.
One of your dickfast posts reminded me of that tweet that goes: 'so you've had sex how many times? Yeah technically that's not a bromance' lol that's dickwally or dickroy
literally tho. like that’s all of dick’s friendships. once it gets past a certain time dick is like ‘wow i wonder what it would be like to make out with wally, wally come make out with me’ and wally’s like ‘we’ve done this like 40 times, dick, you know what it’s like’ and dick is like ‘sorry are you complaining?’ and they just make out.
superfam and batfam associations??
-batman and superman
-dick/barabara and supergirl?
-conner and tim
-jon and damian
pls enlighten me I am confused
nope,,, uhm batman and superman, but dick and superman as well, and then conner and tim, jon and damian and steph + babs with supergirl
I came across a fic in which Wonder Woman calls Batman "Stella" (like Stellaluna, the children's book) and I can imagine the batkids hop on the trend and maybe copies of the book appear at random places (aka, everywhere Bruce frequents)
sorry can’t reciprocate that was the name of my high school chemistry teacher and it gives me nightmares to think about.
good human what are your pronouns?
wouldn’t you like to know?
I need me some gothamites preferring harley over joker memes
everyone prefers harley over joker youre just very fucked up if you dont
don't understand why people try to add like veteran policy to the batfamily
dick pulling out his veteran batfam member card so he can eat first: step aside, peasants
Do you know the song Simmer by Haley Williams? It (the first verse anyways) reminds me of Jason? It's about rage.
damn yeah i LOVE HAYLEY!!!! youre right thoo
Okay so I like listen to your stoner Tim Drake playlist 24/7 but would he listen to skegss? Also I keep adding songs mentally it’s killing me 😩✋🏼 Anyways,, I literally love and worship your playlist 😃🤞🏼 And uh yeah have a good day ✨
stoner tim drake playlist is lyfeeee. also dont know who skeggs is? i’m stupid? have a good day!!
All the Robins (and Batgirl) decide to trade costumes for one night just to fuck with Batman and all the villains in Gotham. @subspacecadet
batman knows it’s them youknow but like,,, what does he call them? he’s like ‘red hood?’ and 3 people answer and he’s not about to compromise some identities so he’s just Pissed.
I aspire to treat cops the way my dad treats them. This man is a 45 year old Asian immigrant to the US and the treats them like his pets. He talks about them like unruly children. Sometimes he pays off local cops to shut up and stop acting racist. And usually it works. I don’t know why but I can see Oliver Queen doing this
vibes... and also yes? oliver queen handing a local cop a donut to shut the fuck up lmao. but yanno i commit enough crimes to not really want to ever see a cop ever, so they kinda scare the everloving fuck out of me.
seeing as tim hasn't aged in years, that means he was 17 at peak emo tumblr era. im back on my emo tim bullshit and im not letting it go
emo tim had a wattpad account send tweet
People seem to think that batman is so dark and serious when the rainbow batsuit is right there. He wore it with no shame.
dude the 60s were a DIFFERENT TIME
dick grew up in a circus, jason grew up on the streets, and tim was probably raised by the internet
all of them cuss every other word and you cannot tell me otherwise
bitch i KNOW but dc has to change to an 18+ rating if they want to sell comix with swear words in them so we gotta deal with imagining the swear words in ourselves
thoughts on teen titans and young justice
haven’t seen teen titans on account of havent seen it and young justice was LITERALLY my favourite thing ever, tho i do gotta admit it’s not at all similar to the young justice comics unfortunately. i really wouldve liked to see timmy bart kon cassie and cissie animated on tv!!
ew ew ew how to delete batcest shippers I genuinely digust them
log off tumblr?
Okay as poc who was called racist for calling an Italian pastabrain: in the batfam are Italians bit Damian just yells various insults about the others being Italian. Just him yelling “What are you doing you moronic spaghettihead!” At steph etc
huh? i meant real italians. homeboy is telling steph he hopes she chokes on her fucking garlic.
I think it's dumb as hell to pull the batman is the best fighter in the batfam argument because like it's just irresponsible of Bruce to let his kids fight when they couldn't possibly be on his league or something
fair enough, but also like who cares they could all kill you just sit down and take a beating.
lady shiva, thalia al ghul and Selina Kyle are all milfs @notanothertimburtonenthusiastugh
unfortunately, i have to admit,,, you’re right
why tf didn't someone give joker a death sentence already? like he's a mass murderer...give him the electric chair treatment wtf
idk i think plenty of people would have tried to murder him already (boring answer is: he is a popular character so they can’t kill him off bc he brings in lots of money)
There’s no such thing as “ copaganda”.
all american media is propaganda. happy to clear this up for you
is it bad that I find lady shiva owa owa
no. find her as owa owa as you want.
aight I'm guessing the order of your favs in batfam:
1. tim
2. Steph
3. dick
4. Duke
5. the rest
you’re wrong but it’s cute that you tried, i generally don’t have favourites, but i have a special place in my heart for steph, tim, dick and cass. bc they were like my introduction to batfam. but damian, jason, duke, bruce, babs and alfred are NOT FORGOTTEN OR UNLOVED
oh my god i was literally just readily willing to believe that italians werent white ty for clarifying it was a joke im so dumb sdkvjskdfs
i mean some italians aren’t white? italian is a nationality as well as an ethnicity, so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
since I saw so many people doing headcanons about the nationalities of batboys, I see Dick as an Italian.
dont know if youre serious or not, but sure.
super random but
jason 🤝 damian
old english
lmao fair enough.
tim absolutely has 1 gay uncle and his parents shit talk said uncle all the time so after bruce adopts him he specifically reaches out to this uncle to be like "heyyyy just so you know you majorly influenced my life yes i know i havent seen you since i was 5 and at the family reunion yes i know you dont remember my name idc thank you im gay too" and then they never talk again.
yuppp lmao that’s definitely something that could happen. i can also consider tim having no family members, like none. until he does like a dna test and he realises he has like an aunt living barely 2 miles away from him who’s like some illegitimate child of his grandpa.
I dare you one of them sends clark superman/clark fic and clark corrects the shit out of it and then goes like ps his dick is not that big, just telling as someone who has seen it. internet either explodes or goes who tf did he not fuck at this point.
i think everybody would call clark a buzzkill and try to cancel him over that.
so you're telling me Tim Drake wouldn't buy Starbucks?
no. dunkin donuts all the way
One of my favorite things is imagining people finding out jason came back from the dead and being like "oh no does he have magic powers now?!?!?" and he just pulls out a gun and tries to shoot joker
now he doesn’t even have the gun :) lmao
my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context
bruce gets codename ‘ugh’ everytime. he hates it.
crazy that tim being a 17 y/o ceo and a stoner who does brand deals are all actual canon things written in detective comics comics and not made up for shits and giggles by you, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb @rowdeyclown
SO CRAZY HUH?
batman au where everything is the same but his utility belt is bright pink
absolutely, but i raise you, his boots light up like sketchers when he kicks people.
unbeknownst to the superhero fandom writers in the dcuniverse, clark and BRUCE are one of the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag on ao3. clark writes the best lois x superman angst, full of unhappy endings and scenes that are a so detailed you'd think you were in the middle of a superhero beatdown. bruce made an ao3 account to fuel "the do the butts match" thing, and makes batman/bruce fics from time to time. he wrote a superbat fic as a joke but ended up making it REAL porny. @concrastinator
dude they’re WAY too busy for that. Oliver Queen and Hal Jordan on the other hand are the most prolific fanfic writers in the superhero rpf tag writing what is Mostly porn.
When the dining table topic gets to politics, Steph says "eat the rich" as the solution
bruce just silently takes away her fork and knife while she’s talking.
#literally if you got through this i just respect you#this is mainly just for the people who sent me an ask in the past few mask#i hope your ask is in here :)#sorry for everybody else#ask#bataranswers#this took me 4 hours to do so i hope youre happy#also sidenote#does anybody know the latin translation for 'to become'#bc i just used future of 'esse' but it could be a different verb#who cares tho latin is a dead language#big congratulations to everyone who translates my sentence#here's a bonus sentence: tuam matrem futueram
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Memento Mori Cries Our Shattered Souls.
| {Jasonette July 2021, Week 1, Day 3: Grave} |
| [Ao3 Link] | | [Masterlist Link] | | [Spotify Playlist Link] |
| Soulmates, are a tricky thing. It's said they're the person who best fits you. Everyone goes through life with half of their Soulmate's soul beside them in the form of an animal that represents the soulmate. |
| Marinette always thoughts she'd get to meet her Soulmate and the other half of her soul one day, and now she never will. Jason never wanted to meet his soulmate or be reunited with the other half of his soul. And now, like Romeo and Juliet, they've truly become star-crossed Soulmates. |
| Word Count: 1,371. |
| Warnings/Tags: Soulmate Au, Major Character Death/Implied Death/Temporary Death/Not Really Dead, Death Related Injuries/Injury Recovery, Miscommunication, Loss of Soulmate, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Explicit Language/Swearing, Starcrossed Soulmates, Wakes & Mentions of Funerary Customs/Traditions. |
———
| A/N: Okay so there's only one song on this one's playlist but c'mon, look my written words in the eyes and tell me that isn't the perfect Jasonette song. Yeah, exactly. Also Choo Choo dear readers, I'm back on the angst train. Grab your tissues and some liquid to hydrate yourself because if you aren't crying by the end of this, then I've failed my job <3 |
| If you want to be tagged in future oneshots/fics or a specific Au, then feel free to send me a dm and or ask! |
| Also side note, Don’t Like? Don’t Read. Also also, please do not criticise any of my writing. This was written for fun and receiving criticism, even in a compliment/criticism sandwich, is the exact opposite of fun. |
———
It isn't a grave. An important difference, Marinette thinks to herself hollowly. There's a dull pang in her chest, and the constant ache of all her many, many still healing injuries. She shouldn't be up and about yet, it's only been a day since she was discharged from hospital. Her parents and the doctors would have kittens. But Marinette needs to do this. And she's already crawled her way up to her balcony chair (though with a little miraculous help of course). Because it isn't a grave but it might as well be one.
It's a simple little thing really, and yet… Yet it's a lot of things.
A shrine, well an altar. On the half wall besides her balcony chair. It's a small stone slab with a lit incense holder in the middle, and a few lit candlesticks in each of the front two corners of the slab. Behind the incense holder, in the back two corners are two bouquets of marigolds, white lilies, and yellow and white chrysanthemums. And in front of the incense holder, is a single photo of her soulmate familiar and all that she has left of her soulmate; Buddy the german shepherd.
Five days ago, her soul bond shattered. Her soulmate familiar nearly shattered too. It was a miracle Buddy only fell into a pseudo-coma instead. Unlike her though, he's yet to wake up. And considering the situation, he may never. One of the doctors—a soulmate related injuries specialist—had said it's rare but not unheard of for that to happen when the human counterpart to their soul familiar dies. And the final damning nail in the coffin was Marinette's own soul familiar counterpart appearing at some point after she had fallen into the three day coma. After all, it's common knowledge that once a soulmate died, you become reunited with the other half of your soul—your soul familiar counterpart.
Marinette doesn't know what happened to her soulmate's body (if there even is one left, considering the injuries found on her and her soul familiar counterpart). Nor does she have any memorabilia or anything that once belonged to her soulmate. And she certainly doesn't know where he was from and if he would've had any preferred cultural funeral rites. So the best she can give him right now, are the typical funeral flowers her parents both recommended, alongside candles and incense. Somewhat plain and generic almost but it's something, and it's better than nothing.
She chokes back a sob and rubs at her red eyes. “It's not fair… I thought Ladybug's were supposed to be lucky.”
There's a faint pitter-patter and a few droplets splatter against the altar. She blinks and glances upwards, briefly wondering if it is starting to rain. But the cloudless sky is all an answer she needs, along with the realisation of dampness on her cheeks and hands. She blinks again, and a few more tears fall.
Tikki makes a small noise of sadness, and gives Marinette one of those tiny little hugs she always gives.
Still, the grief hurts. Marinette will never get to know who her soulmate was. His name, what he looked like, how he smiled, his accent, what he liked, his favourite things, any stupid habits or mannerisms.
And she will never get to know if her soulmate even has a grave already. She could always ask Tikki, she's right there. But the kwami is stressed enough as it is that Marinette fell comatose for three days and nearly died from the injuries inflicted on her soul familiar counterpart. And five days without a proper Ladybug (and not just Master Fu stepping in out of necessity) protecting Paris has started to visibly take its toll on Tikki.
So, Marinette's little altar isn't a grave but it's where she's burying her grief and wishing the ladybug miraculous could do something to fix this.
———
It's not a fucking grave. If Jason had a choice, he'll never let his soulmate be buried in one of those fuckers ever, y'know just in case she ever ends up like him and is forced to crawl out her own grave. But he hasn't got a fucking choice because who knows who or where his soulmate is and what happened to her after he became a dead robin.
Well other than the fact, she's un-fucking-doubtedly dead and it's all his fucking fault, obviously. It's been six months since he crawled out his grave, and Talia had said the Lazarus Pit could heal broken soul bonds and soulmate familiars that died with the soulmate. Clearly fucking wrong seeing as his bond is still shattered as fuck and there's been no sign of Jules—the naturally shifting little soulmate familiar he used to adore. The kinda weird and scrappy looking calico tabby kitten that according to the internet was a cornish rex, that would sometimes shift into an even tinier, very round and fluffy hamster.
And Jason's spent enough time on the streets as a kid to know what happens to the human counterpart when their soul familiar counterpart snuffs it. If he's lucky, she'll be in a coma and will never wake up. And if he's unlucky, then she'll be six feet under like he was. Either way, she's paying for his fuck ups and deserves way better.
A small part of him wonders if that makes them star-crossed lovers. Like a reverse Romeo and Juliet—fucking ironic considering R&J were the inspiration behind Jules' name. He died, and came back only to find irrefutable evidence that his soulmate's dead—or might as well be—because of him dying first, and she'll never know he survived dying.
“It's not fair!” Jason snarls at his fate, vision staining green for a split second. He grits his teeth and glares down at the little altar he's set up in the corner of his room in whatever league of assassins' compound this is. It's got a single lit candle in each corner of the altar—a substitute for how there's supposed to be a burning candle at each corner of a coffin. Still doesn't make it a fucking grave though.
There's also a few bunches of flowers scattered across the middle of the altar—mostly marigolds, with a few white lilies, a couple black roses, a single pheasant's-eye, and a small handful of asphodels. It hadn't been easy to get them, especially since he couldn't exactly leave the compound yet. But Jules and his soulmate deserved this at least.
Marigolds for grief, white lilies more for the funeral staple than the meaning, black roses for death and mourning, pheasant's-eye for painful recollections, and asphodels for my regrets follow you to the grave.
Fucking ironic, seeing as it's on altar and not a grave.
The worst fucking part of being here, was losing Jules. The one fucking constant in his shitty life. Batman replacing him fucking stung alright, and he's never particularly cared for soulmates, yeah. He's seen and heard more than plenty horror stories growing up, and considering how small and cute Jules is, no way would've his soulmate survived Gotham. It's not like he cared too much about meeting her or whatever, but she was fucking innocent and now she's fucking dead. So yeah, she gets asphodels on her altar because he regrets being the reason she and Jules got shattered.
And the pheasant's-eye, well Talia and all the fucking assassins in this hell hole aren't giving him the chance to hold a wake for either of them. And it's not like he knows shit about her or has anything of hers to sit on the altar. He hasn't even got anything left of Jules 'cept his fucking memories. So all he can really do is recount his own memories of her to himself. Maybe he should write 'em down in a book or something…
All in all, it ain't a fucking grave. But it might as well be one because it's where he's burying his memories and feelings. After all, an assassin without a soulmate familiar, or a soulmate, is a lot harder to kill. 'Least he's got that going for him now. But Jules and his soulmate still didn't fucking deserve dying only for him to survive alone.
———
| Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little fic! Comments, likes, and reblogs are much appreciated! |
| Quick reasons behind the Soul Familiar names and species, whilst I know Jason canonically is bad at naming, he's also a literature nerd so hence why he called his soulmate's familiar Juliet, also because it shifts form he can't call it Cat or Hamster. The hamster is because well this is half of Marinette's soul, let's be real, and the cat is because Calicos are seen as lucky and also I thought a Cornish Rex because they're highly intelligent, active, and affectionate and I think that fits Marionette pretty well. As for why Marinette has Buddy, it's purely because Jason reminds me of a German Shepherd and I feel Marinette would've wanted to become friends with her Soulmate as soon as she understood it as a kid, so hence the name buddy. It's not fully accurate to her canon naming skills, but that doesn't matter. |
| If you've been around since the early days of my Maribat/MLB Tumblr side acc, then this premise might sound familiar. Yeah, you've guessed it! It's the Jasonette version of my MTSPY au (rip, I'll get to writing it one day, maybe), aka/originally called LYLaLYL or Lose Your Love and Lose Your Life. I decided since I love the au but I want to re-use a lot of it but with some minor to significant changes. Anyway, if those au names are familiar/you've been around for my last year's content, then here have a virtual hug from me! 🫂 If you can't see this emoji, it's the weird two blue humanoid blobs hugging emoji. Yeah. |
| On a sidenote if there's an obvious difference in writer's voice for the end/beginning notes, tags, and summary, that's because I'm writing this very sleep deprived at 4am and may have gone slightly feral. Yeah. Don't do what I'm doing, get some sleep folks. Half the tags were written at the much more reasonable hour of ten to midnight instead though. |
| Also feel free to send me any comments with any questions you have regarding this fic, I'll be more than happy to answer! |
| @jasonette-july-event |
#Maribat#MLB x DC#DC x MLB#Jasonette#Jasonette July#Jasonette July 2021#JasMari#MariJay#Marinette x Jason#Jason x Marinette#Jasonette July Week 1#Jasonette July Day 3#Jasonette July Grave#Memento Mori Cries Our Shattered Souls#MMCOSS#Sham's Posts#Sham's Writing#Sham's Fics
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⟨ SIMAY BARLAS. CIS FEMALE. SHE/HER. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, HANDE DEMIR is actually a descendent of A R E S. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY-TWO year old PRE-LAW MAJOR from ÜBERLINGEN, GERMANY has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite AMBITIOUS & ABRASIVE.
BACKGROUND
hande’s mother is a highly accomplished aerospace engineering graduate from one of berlin’s premiere universities, having worked for various defense companies as a missile specialist since graduating with her master’s degree. she may basically be a rocket scientist, but it’s not rocket science to figure out why ares was attracted to her 😉
they began a tumultuous, on-and-off again relationship that would last for 5 years, and it was only when hande was born that ares dropped the bomb on her mother that monsters were going to try and eat their baby, so she better buckle the fuck up and get ready to raise a demigod
that was the essentially the ending of their relationship — ares became an absent father the way most greek gods are, intermittently sending birthday cards every few years but often getting the dates wrong. she can count on one hand the amount of times she’s met him in-person outside of being a baby, while her mother has been a constant (if sometimes suffocating) presence in her life. she wouldn’t say much about hande’s father when prompted by baby hande, just that he was an asshole and didn’t deserve to meet her, which, fair
from the time she entered kindergarten, it was obvious that she was highly intelligent but had, to put it mildly, explosive behavior problems that would routinely disrupt class time. students were constantly picking fights with her for reasons beyond the teachers’ comprehension, often times materializing from thin air or being an extreme overreaction for typical kid teasing and shenanigans.
schools didn’t know what to do with her. they tried claiming she had emotional problems, they tried moving classrooms, moving schools, and nothing worked. it wasn’t until she was eleven that she was found by a satyr and encouraged into joining a demigod camp over the summer, so that she would be able to control what was undoubtedly emerging odikinesis
that same year, her mother found a higher-paying work opportunity and relocated them to a small city near the swiss border called überlingen, which is home to a prominent defense company that manufactures, you guessed it, missiles. it was a shit ton of change coming from both mortal and demigod sides at hande, and she was resentful of her mother for years for hiding such a crucial fact from her... nevertheless, she was grateful she had a chance to start fresh in a new place and was able to explore the demigod side of herself at the demigod camp in athens
it was pretty obvious she was a child of ares, but she wasn’t claimed until she punched a boy in the teeth for harassing her and knocked out a couple of his teeth. iconic queen.
an elite german boarding school nearby was where she attended mortal school, admitted fully on her merits (the discipline record was conveniently covered up by the mist), but it’s not like she could magically wish away her powers and function as a normal mortal in school. she had a shaky control of her odikinesis up until she was a teenager, and would often provoke other people in her grade, both accidentally and on purpose. she gained a reputation among her school as one of the more... well-known residents, and while she graduated without getting into a fist fight (on school grounds, that is), she also graduated with no friends.
eonia university was the logical place for her to attend college, elite and rigorous enough to satiate her ego while still being a haven for demigods, and she’s currently majoring in pre-law with the intent to go to law school and become a lawyer!
PERSONALITY
she’s an acquired taste for sure
someone’s first impression of hande is typically negative 95% of the time, and she’s not even remotely insulted by that. she knows she’s brash, she knows she’s outspoken, she knows she can be mean, and she’s unapologetic about it because why should she have to adapt her personality to be palatable to people who are probably weaker and stupider than her??? (her thoughts not mine)
i really have to stress she’s not a dick just because she likes to be a dick to people... like she’s not gonna go to up to anyone’s muses and start bullying them in person for NO REASON.... she is an ADULT WOMAN.... but you provoke her, and there will be a reason
she’s extremely passionate about causes she believes in and sees her opinions about everything from food to weather to politics as the complete truth, so what she might see as playful banter when someone holds a different opinion actually comes across as extremely rude and bitchy to the person getting brutally attacked by her unwarranted point of view. but when she’s actually trying to argue with you, you’ll know
she’s kind of unique for a daughter of ares in that she really doesn’t engage in much physical violence since she entered college, preferring instead to start what could be considered “warfare” over the internet and academically with similarly high achieving peers. but she DOES know how to fight, she just would rather die than have another child of ares intervention by the demigod authorities ASDKSKDFSDMF
so ambitious and academically competitive. it’ll cause her to have an aneurysm at age 22 at the rate she’s going. you didn’t hear it from me but she isn’t ABOVE sabotage if someone tries stealing her #1 spot... tonya harding anyone?? hande is definitely someone who would sacrifice you to a monster or shove you into the lake if it meant she looked better in the end... so that’s something she probably needs to work on
BUT with all that being said, if you aren’t being beaten down by her insane argumentative skills, and hande actually takes a genuine liking to you, you’ll find that she’s... a pretty normal person for the most part. she’s pretty witty, fiercely loyal to the few friends she does have, super smart, and generally pretty enjoyable company. very generous with her money (loves paying for her friends’ food) and cares deeply about everything she argues so intensely about. a lot of people never give her enough of a chance to get to know her (and understandably so), but if you did you really wouldn’t find the image of a shallow bitch that’s often projected onto her
there’s this facebook meme that goes “Need to find new haters... my old ones starting to like me 😂” and that’s it that’s her entire life
if you want to know more just read her app!!
MISCELLANEOUS
fluent in german, greek, english, and turkish (in order of how often she uses them, though greek is arguably used more than german at this point, she’d just rather die than admit it)
she starts twitter wars and trolls people online in all 4 languages. it’s her primary pastime and she’s been permanently suspended from twitter a whopping 4 times, but every time she just re-spawns and comes back stronger. absolutely notorious for saying out of pocket shit what she thinks about any given european country and the people who live there and getting ganged up on by said people SASDSDASD her favorite people to cyberbully are british people and french people... rip
captain of the debate team, and part of model un and mock trial. her ruthless captaincy of the debate team has caused multiple freshman interested in joining to flee in tears, but eonia routinely kicks ass in debate in tournaments across greece and europe as a whole, so it’s not all bad. she is unbelievably skilled in debate and honestly pretty friendly to the people who actually manage to stick around on the team
kicked out of the feminist club for being overtly confrontational... if your muse is in the feminist alliance, hmu for plots
when she started attending athens’ demigod camp, it got in the way of her going to istanbul with her mother every summer to visit family. she's only started routinely going again since attending university, so most of her time is spent between istanbul and athens and hasn’t been back to germany in a hot second
i just feel like she has the type of energy to own a chihuahua and carry it around in her purse. no allowed pets at eonia but STILL.... that’s the vibe lads
her sexuality is ambiguous and she likes to keep it that way because it’s no one’s business but any and all romantic plots are open to all genders :~)
aside from her odikinesis, she’s able to put minor curses on weapons and will usually do so to make somebody else look like a fool during training
#euintro#waltzing into my own party late... wow#i could definitely add more but. this NEEDS to be posted
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The week in review:
Raw 09/21
NXT 09/23
NXT UK 09/24
Smackdown 09/25
Clash of Champions 09/27
+
Main Event 09/24
Raw:
Billie’s not wrong. None of these people are wrong. That title has fallen so fucking far since Becky held it, Jesus.
Interesting to see Billie Kay be somewhat (?) supportive of Peyton. Manager?
I implore women to stop using red eyeliner unless you’re trying to look possessed.
Oh at least Mickie’s gonna have her last match with her snazzy pants on.
God that theme music is so outdated.
If there was one person on the roster that could convince me they wrestled in the Diva’s era, it’d be Mickie James.
Beautiful Octopus, dare I say best in the division. Look at those crossed legs. Just beautiful, Zelina.
Man it was cool watching Zelina reverse the powerbomb attempt into a rollup, but Mickie couldn’t be bothered to get her shoulders down for a 2 count before the reversal. Shame.
Zelina needs an increase to her speed to pull off the style she’s going for, but it’s a fun style.
oof I think Mickie actually caught Zelina’s forehead with that high kick.
Seated Senton off the top rope is garbage and I hate it.
Lmfao Zelina won with a backstabber. She’s literally Sasha-lite. Okay.
Word was Bianca was the star of the pc combine, right? So if you wanna showcase her strength, do it against someone I fucking know lmao. Who was this bro? Of course she’s stronger than a nobody in the pc. Friggin Alexa Bliss can effortlessly give piggy back rides to Sheamus. That’s impressive, because I know how strong and big he is. This could’ve been done better is all I’m saying. Maybe do a sitdown interview with her pc peeps hyping her up, or show footage of her blowing everyone in the combine out the park. Idk.
Ruby stop hyping up Nia and Shayna individually, individually they suck lol lesbireal.
So did Ruby just give Liv her shirt? …You know what, it works, I’m not gonna dig into this.
I feel like all women use the same starting moves against Nia and it’s a little tired ngl. They do this headscissors into a standing crucifix hold, and then slide down to try and roll her up. Then she picks them up and headbutts them. Come on peeps.
Mk just throw Lana through another table, she’s as useless in the ring (kf wise) as Liv is on commentary (non-kf wise)
Let me rewind, how did Nattie get taken out this time? A punch again. COOL. Nattie confirmed worst tag partner in the history of the division.
Lmfao rip Lana. Bye.
Wow we just said fuck entrances huh? Ugh God. Imagine Becky not getting an entrance as a damn champion.
So Peyton forgoes jumping for the German suplex, which could’ve resulted in her landing on Asuka’s head, and her reaction is to laugh. Consummate professional. Becky Lynch’s optic cranial nerve injury (caused by a failed German suplex) called, it can’t seem to find the humor.
Idk what that double underhooked move was by Peyton, but it was nice.
What bothers me about Peyton’s spinning heel kick, is as high as she gets it, she only hits people with her calf. Awkward to see.
That attempted transition into the Asuka Lock was... something.
Highlight: Lana going through the table
---
NXT:
Did Tegan say “why me” to Candice fucking her knee up with a metal pipe? Somebody get this girl some tissues.
Haha watching Tegan writhe in pain is funny. Candice gets points. And I do not like giving Candice points.
Really appreciate Rhea’s theme after hearing so much generic garbage lately. She’s so done with nxt as a performer, she has passed literally all of them by.
Not to be that person, but seeing so many people in the ring together bothers me. If one person was sick, literally all of them are sick now. It’s just kinda yikes.
Did they forego having a crowd? If so, wise. There’s enough ppl in the ring and at ringside.
Rhea fucking yeeted that girl into the barrier lmaooo.
“...Marina Shafir who’s done some great things on Raw Underground recently,” lmao sure.
The absolute half-assed attempt by that girl to pull herself up before Rhea booted her down to the floor was questionable.
So adding all these random peeps from the pc to this battle royal was done solely to have Raquel and Rhea flex for their feud in 4 months, huh.
Kacy does cool shit, wbk lmao. Gets kicked out, lands on her back, rolls into a handstand, rotates, pulls herself up into the ring using her feet on the ropes; gets kicked out, lands on the side of the guardrail, pulls herself up, uses the plexiglass to help balance herself, jumps onto the stairs; gets kicked out, lands on the side of the guardrail, stands on Kayden’s shoulders and gets chauffeured back to the ring. Brilliant. Would be overkill in a Royal Rumble, but it works here.
R&R eliminate each other/themselves together. Fitting. Dakota “help me I’m useless on my own” Kai is shook.
Why is Indi in the top 5? Or top 7? How is this girl so damn prestigious??
Kacy really just slung herself around the ringpost. I’m becoming a fan of her antics/performances in multiwomen matches.
I see Shotzi’s character is, “I come so close yet cannot manage to touch the gold.” I feel for her... cuz I can’t stand Candice.
Boooo
I love how Io carries herself. She’s a shining example of not allowing her heritage to hold her back or make her feel unimportant. She responds in Japanese, and without missing a beat, translates in perfectly spoken and quick English. Never dances, never smiles, never looks like a chump. Serious and answers the damn question. She gets points.
Highlight: Kacy shenanigans
---
NXT UK:
Lol I love KLR so much. Just ducks out of the ring the first time she’s bested.
“KLR is well versed in mental manipulation,” that she is. She’s honestly a top competitor in that sense; equal to the likes of Sasha and Charlotte when it comes to psychology.
Piper’s got power. Ragdolling KLR here.
That’s right, performing with Charlotte Flair at wm is an accolade one can only hope to achieve (I’m annoying I know) no but seriously, KLR vs Becky Lynch? Take my money.
Nice Superkick, nice Tornado ddt.
Dear ref, stop yelling at her and restart the count. Dweeb.
Lmao self inflicted wreckage of her knee.
This ref is a walking headache. We’re now getting into the autumn of overbooked women’s matches. And UK’s first title match back. Yikes.
That senton was awkward and looked painful af for KLR’s neck. If you’re gonna risk that move while selling a leg injury, make sure you have more space to correct your landing.
I almost wish that turnbuckle came undone naturally because KLR is already such a good seller, but I’m gonna assume this is a worked move since it’s been left exposed.
Yeah see there are issues with that spot. Positives: KLR didn’t purposefully undo the turnbuckle, so it’s not on her to give another title match; the spot has potential, as I’m guessing that would be genuinely painful. Negatives: Piper is too big of a woman to hit the lower turnbuckle doing the cannonball, so she ended up hitting the middle... which was padded. Good ending on paper if you don’t do the equations, but poor execution. Not Piper nor KLR’s fault though.
Slow pacing and I hate overbooked garbage, but this obviously isn’t the only match they’re having so *shrug*
Highlight: Clean tornado ddt, and I do love KLR’s selling
---
Smackdown:
Lol Bayley has her chair. She automatically gets a point every time I see it.
Top of the ramp this time? Okay, sure.
Stop cutting to the fancams, production. I don’t care about their reactions.
A fine enough promo to move along both of her angles, but production sucks. Wbk though.
“...one of the most complex personalities,” which personality of Alexa’s are we referring to, though?
Their timing on her pyro was off and now I’m sad. The pops during the breakdown leading into the fountains are fucking amazing and honestly cannot be topped by any of the other women.
When did Alexa stop wearing her gloves to the ring? Probably when she turned face. Shame.
She just called Lacey bitter, southern tea, and you know what? What a fucking drag. Imagine bitter southern tea. As someone who was raised in the south, that is a disgrace to southern tea. Sweet sun tea or pass.
Look at Alexa: selling Lacey’s strength, full of agile speed, and yet here’s Lacey not even bothering to put her shoulders down for her pin attempt. SAD.
A problem I consistently have with SD in particular is how they set up commercial breaks. They always do something dramatic, cut to commercial, come back and shit’s always completely different. How you gonna cut from Alexa leading and hearing the Fiend’s laugh, to return to Lacey in charge ???
Dear Cole, why are you calling her Alexis lol. Like I know that’s her real name but, hello??
oof Alexa’s midsection is beet red.
Lacey has not been putting on a “clinic” stop tossing that term around, Cole. Good bump by Alexa though.
Love how Lacey doesn’t mind landing flat when her moonsault misses. Respect. Her and Charlotte both eat that so perfectly.
LOVE how the monitors of people turned into Fiend’s face. POINTS.
It’s like she’s reverted back to her heel persona. This is literally 2016 Bliss, right? Right??
Roman is a large, strong, intimidating guy... but holy shit the visual of 5′1 Alexa staring daggers into the back of his head is intense af. I almost complained that he cut off her exit, but well done with the continuity.
Highlight: I’m really digging the Alexa/Fiend story
---
Clash of Champions:
Loving the red roots, hate the eyeshadow.
See, if Asuka wants to fuck around in the ring, you won’t hear me complain. I just wish she took her non-wrestling segments more seriously.
The patience Asuka gave Zelina to set up the arm kick was dumb.
“A hard arm bar by Asuka,” he says, even though her legs were completely bent. Easy on the credit given plz.
Zelina telegraphs too much. None of the bumps she takes ever catch me by surprise.
In the spirit of being fair, put your fucking shoulders down and let her attempt a pinfall, Asuka.
Haha Sasha-lite did meteora in the corner.
Nice roll into a kick, half point for Zelina.
No you don’t get to sell frustration or disbelief yet, that’s not buyable.
I don’t know wtf Zelina was going for with that counter before the Asuka Lock, but honestly idc. Could’ve been a kickoff match indeed. State of Becky’s title btw.
Every week it’s the same shit with Asuka. She gets on the mic, speaks Japanese, barely accomplishes anything, then gets interrupted/slapped/attacked... with dancing and smiling inbetween. I really wish she was more like Io.
Nikki isn’t “medically cleared to compete”, and the tag team titles aren’t being defended. My memory is fuzzy but wasn’t there some covid concerns going around back then? Was that just baseless speculation?
Love that Bayley turned this into an opportunity to be a bigger douche than she already was lol.
IS SHE DOING A VICTORY LAP LMAO
I want to hate this from a smarky “give other women a chance” perspective, but Bayley is an ass and this is great for Asuka to build credit as a face, and after being made to look foolish yet again. Lesgo.
Lol sounded like Bayley said, “you think you can cuck me?” I’m sure she didn’t. I’m choosing to believe she did though.
I never know exactly who to blame when Asuka’s Codebreaker looks ugly, but I swear Charlotte is the only one it looks impactful with. Sell job isn’t the problem, but taking that actual move is always dicey af.
Great kick by Asuka. Rekt.
Bayley says nah fuck this rofl. Fair ending; a fun little sprint of meaningless jabs.
“Chairwoman of SD” I like that too, Graves. Points to you.
LMAOOO Bayley set that shit up perfectly kekekek what’s up Sasha.
She be looking fucking incredible, but that neckbrace is a mega bummer.
Character wise, I’m surprised Bayley’s choosing to dole out punishment rather than taking her title and bolting.
Welp maybe she should have, Sasha going to town lmao.
oof peep that red line going down Bayley’s arm. eesh. Welts all over her back.
Highlight: Sasha beating the shit out of Bayley with a kendo stick
---
*BONUS*
Main Event:
You don’t pan the camera over to fucking commentary during Bianca’s entrance. Do better @ production.
Ruby puts her confidence in Liv even though everybody knows Bianca is winning this match lmao.
LOVE Liv’s boots.
like 20 seconds into the match and it’s already 10x better than the Bianca vs Billie Kay one. Don’t even waste a spot on Main Event for Billie Kay. No, I’m not not sorry for saying that.
It’s not that I hold issue with Bianca’s showboating or mannerisms, but it’s all so much more fitting for a heel.
Beautiful stalling suplex, but Liv is rather small.
Beautiful distance on that dropkick to Liv. Liv gets points for throwing herself so far.
We have enough women who rip their shirts off deep into matches, me thinks. Don’t need it from Liv as well.
Momentum could’ve been split better, but that was a decent match.
---
*Clash of Champions would be my highlighted event mostly thanks to Bayley, but if that’s a cop out, I’ll give a slight nod to Smackdown’s handling of Alexa.
#wwe#issa review#feel free to ignore these#cuz who tf cares lesbihonest#today's props goes to:#bayley
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Text
The Same Question
Chapter Four
Characters: Shuichi Saihara, Ouma Kokichi
Words: 10040
Summary:
After Detective Shuichi Saihara encounters mysterious thief Kokichi Ouma for the first time, a game of cat and mouse ensues as both men ask themselves the same question. Why exactly does the elusive phantom thief do what he does?
This is Chapter Four, Here are Chapters One, Two, and Three
Read on AO3
[Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]
From: Me
Hey Miu
I got a friend I’m dropping off in Taipei tomorrow
Could you lend him a room
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Idk
I’m a busy genius
Is he cute
From: Me
[Image description: A candid photo of Shuichi Saihara sleeping on a seat in Rantarou’s private jet.]
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Hell fucking yes
From: Me
Awesome!
Thanks for being a good friend Miu
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
:)
From: Me
Also btw
He’s Kaede’s ex
So as a good friend you know he’s off limits right
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Oh fuck you rich boy
From: Me
Thanks again Miu!
---
[Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Dinosaur soccer world Is a Cinematic Epic” from ???’s Cellular Device]
Boss sent an image to the chat
[Image is a screenshot of an image which reads the following:
Draft 1, Uncoded, DO NOT MAIL.
Taka, sweetie, it’s me! Your dear Aunt Sally. I know you think I died in the war, but I just pretended so I wouldn’t have to see your ugly face again.
You know I was robbing a museum the other day and I met the nicest young man. Real sharp and very nice eyelashes. And what a quick learner!
Oh, Sorry! I don’t mean to belittle you Taka, dearie, I know how your mother used to say you worked so hard to compete with the geniuses of the world…
You’ve still got a lot of work to do, I think. It must be that Type A personality of yours, holding you back. I’ve heard there’s a new class for people like you, “How to take the giant metal stick out of your ass 101.”
I can’t wait for the next family reunion! I hear it’s going to be a bomb! I’ll be in the open casket.
See you there,
-DICE
/End Image Description]
Boss: Thoughts, thots?
Jack: Lol “nice eyelashes”
Clubs: It looks good. :)
Rook: Looks fine to me
King: Why is his aunt’s name Sally, isn’t he japanese
Boss: Sally can be a japanese name
Spades: I can’t even say an l sound. It’s impossible for us japanese smh.
Rook: I thought u were lesbian not japanese
Bishop: I’ve seen you speak perfect english
Spades: lol seen
King: seen
Boss: seen
Jack: seen
Rook: seen
Bishop: I meant heard ok
Boss: oh nvm actually i'm going to change it to his grandpa’s name
Boss: his grandpa has a wikipedia page lol
King: if your grandpa has a wikipedia page you deserve to be oppressed
Queen: if you have a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed
Rook: if your wikipedia page has a grandpa you deserve to be oppressed
Bishop: if you have a wikipedia page your grandpa deserves to be oppressed
Spades: if your grandpa has a you wikipedia deserves to be oppressed
Bishop: Also boss no pressure but like could we use a better code this time
Bishop: that detective is getting too close for comfort
Spades: Yeah!! We didn’t even end up getting that rug Heartsie wanted because of him…
Clubs: If we did not send letters about our plans to Interpol, our heists would probably be easier.
Boss: Nah, I like to give the coppers a fighting chance.
Boss: I’m thinking that this time I’ll just translate it into germanic script, do a standard caesar cipher encryption on it and then have every one of those letters correspond to a greek word on the rosetta stone then describe each corresponding hieroglyph visually in haiku verse that’s been poorly translated into traditional chinese.
Boss: That should take me like
Boss: Twenty minutes
Rook: Boss literally I think that you are the most batshit dementor human being on the face of the planet
King: dementor
Jack: Who said he was human
Spades: dementor?
Boss: dementor
Queen: dementor
Bishop: dementor...
Jack: dementor
Rook: …
Rook Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dementor Is Correct, Essentially”
Spades: No its not
Spades: Dementor isn’t a fucking word
Rook: Don’t you remember that movie with the british kid on a broom
Spades: Don’t you remember the dictionary
King Changed the Group Chat Name to “Dumbass Improperly Corrects Error”
Rook: When we get to that fucking tower I’m dropping that giant ball on you
King: Love you too <3
Hearts: Y’all stop texting each other
Hearts: You are literally all in the same hotel room
Hearts: I’m willing to bet you’re all sitting on the same couch too
Queen: Fuck you we’re adorable
Bishop: You can’t make us do anything
Bishop: I’ll never use my voice again, my vow of silence,,,,,
Bishop: I’ll only ever text from now on
Ace: We’re the ones bringing the popcorn bishie...
Hearts: Yeah, do you want some or not
Bishop: Yes ma’am, excuse me ma’am
Queen: You may think you have all the power hearts,,, but I get to choose what movie we pirate tonight,,,,,,
Hearts: What
Hearts: no
Hearts: Boss stop him before he makes us watch cats again
Spades: All queen knows is bitchtorrent, cats 2019, and lie
King: Wait isn’t boss with you?
Hearts: Uh
Hearts: No
Hearts: Should he be?
Hearts: I thought he was in the room with y’all
Jack: Well he’s not here now
Ace: Ow shit
Ace: *Aw
Bishop: Ow shit?
Queen: Ow shittttt
Jack: Ow shit
Spades: Ow shit,,,
Rook: Ow shit...
King: Ow shit…...
Clubs: Ow shit! XD
Hearts: Ow shit
Ace: …
Hearts: Now I’m really worried… he didn’t even respond to roast Ace’s ass
King: yeah, ok, we should look for him
Ace: He has been acting kind of weird lately…
Jack: Really?
Ace: Yeah
Ace: Like
Ace: I don’t really know how to describe it…
Rook: I didn’t notice anything
Rook: he seems like his usual self to me
Bishop: Maybe he’s just avoiding movie night because he needs some space or something
Rook: What, like he’s tired of our company?
Jack: That’s fair
Spades: How so?
Jack: I was gonna steal his blue eyes tonight lmao
Rook: NOT IF I GET IT FIRST
Bishop: Idk maybe he just went to get ice
King: we all know he is a monster who would rather drink his panta lukewarm than put a fucking icecube in it
Rook: Yeah, I saw him boil it once
King: THE MAN BOILS SODA AND YOU THINK HE WOULD LEAVE THE ROOM FOR A FUCKING ICE CUBE
Bishop: Okay chill
King: I am c o n c e r n e d , , , ,
Clubs: Oh no! Don’t worry King! :(
Clubs: Boss is fine! :)
Clubs: I saw him leave a few minutes ago.
Clubs: I think he is just getting the bombs. :)
* * * Several people are typing...
---
Kokichi Ouma carefully set the grate of the vent he had used to crawl his way into the Idabashi Labs facility in Taipei, Taiwan back into place. Before he had come through, he had counted how many turns it had taken him to unscrew each of the four bolts so that now he could screw them all back in just the way he had found them. Not because he was worried he’d get caught, but because frankly he was bored. This was more of a fetch quest than a theft, to be honest, as evidenced by the fact that Kokichi had come here alone. Finding jobs for all his cronies to do would take too long and put them in unnecessary trouble. So Kokichi was content to leave them to their movie night.
When he finished turning the screws back into the vent cover, Kokichi realized that was kind of lame. So he unscrewed them and started turning them in accordance with the english A1Z26 code to spell out his organization’s name.
Well, maybe on some level Kokichi didn’t find himself wanting to be at movie night recently. It seemed almost like TV had started to run out of things to amuse him with. Or maybe he was just growing tired of the kinds of movies that they usually watched. Maybe it was his taste maturing or something. Like he was growing up. But that would imply that his interests had shifted to something else, like real life or something, when in reality they had just stagnated.
Actually maybe he did have a new interest in real life? He had been more enthused about heists recently at the very least. He was particularly excited about this next one. Queen had shown him some interior shots of Taipei 101, which was a cool looking skyscraper that had a huge ball inside of it to keep it from falling down during earthquakes. Ace wanted to steal the giant ball, but Kokichi was pretty sure they should leave something that kept a .508 kilometer tall building from falling over inside of the .508 kilometer tall building. So instead they were going to steal every light in and on the tower.
Okay, 4 turns, 9 turns, 3 turns, 5 turns. DICE.
… That was kind of lame too.
He unscrewed them again.
Obviously if they were going to steal every light in and on Taipei 101, they needed to get the power off somehow. Otherwise DICE might burn down the building while detaching them, or worse, they might get electrocuted. So obviously Kokichi wanted to fake a bomb threat where they pretended to steal the giant ball while in reality they were just causing a black out and grabbing every light fixture they could before the power turned back on. He had drawn up some extensive diagrams about the route each DICE member would have to take throughout the tower in order for them to grab every light fixture in under half an hour.
He had been well prepared to draw up the designs for his own EMP-bomb device, but upon a cursory google search he discovered that someone had already invented exactly what he needed. Doctor Miu Iruma, who for some reason owned a company called Idabashi Labs that was located in Taiwan. Kokichi had spent about 15 seconds scanning an article from a website that seemed to be the nerd version of a gossip tabloid. It said something about how Dr. Iruma wore a low cut shirt once or something else stupid, which meant Dr. Idabashi definitely left her the company because of a sex scandal and not because she was the best person for the job who invented the perfect EMP bomb.
Thank you journalism we love it when women are reduced to the way they look instead of what they can accomplish for the benefit of a mischevipus group of roguish clowns.
Anyway, after reading that dickcheese Kokichi failed to follow up on answering any of the questions he had originally about what was up with the labs, like why it was a japanese company run by japanese people was for some reason based in Taiwan. Whoopsie.
Eh, it was probably tax reasons or something lame like that.
Kokichi finished turning the screws again. This time it was 6 turns, 9 turns, 6 turns, 9 turns. Haha, nice.
With that, Kokichi finally stood up from the grate and brushed himself off. He had left his cape at the hideout again (you know, because vents), but other than that he was in full regalia. Straight jacket, gloves, scarf, mask. All pretty dusty from this place’s crawl spaces. Thus the brushing.
He wasn’t very mindful of the dust he was leaving on the floor. The only thing he cared about looking good was his cameo on the security cameras he would let see him on his way out.
According to the blueprints of Idabashi Labs, he was on the main experimental floor right now. Weirdly enough there weren’t any cameras in here, so grabbing the bombs would be a cinch.
Although, looking around it didn’t really look like the kind of lab you’d see on TV. There were no big, bubbling tubes or gargantuan Rube Goldberg machines. There was just one desk in the middle, with a bunch of gadgets and trinkets tucked into shelves all over the room, not all of which seemed all that scientific. Yeah, that book shelf was filled with Astro Boy manga and merch. And over there was a-
Wait, was that a bed in the corner? Was that a person in the bed? Hmm… maybe the blueprints were outdated...
Kokichi stilled himself, listening for any sound of breathing, but he could only hear some faint whirring noises.
Kokichi made a quick deduction that there probably were not bombs in this room. It seemed, at the very least, like more of a personal study or something, maybe even a bedroom. He’d just go back in the vent and do some reconnaissance until he found a room that had some inventions in it. The night was young, after--
Kokichi’s brain froze as his eyes landed on a sharpie lying on the floor in front of him. Almost all of his brain cells immediately shut off, the last one remaining screaming at the top of it’s lungs, I’M GONNA DRAW A DICK ON THAT SLEEPING SUCKER’S FACE.
Inspired, avant garde. For once he would give to the world of art instead of only ever taking from it.
He picked up the sharpie in a seamless, silent motion, making his way over to the side of the bed.
As he got closer, he noticed a thick cord coming from under the covers, connecting to a machine at the bedside.
That gave him pause. Was that a C-pap machine or something? Was this person on life support? If they were on life support they probably had it rough enough without a dick on their face…
Actually for that matter, Kokichi still couldn’t hear any breathing. Jesus, were they already dead? He moved to take off the covers, but his eyes had adjusted to the light and he now realized there weren’t any covers on the bed at all. There was only the humanoid figure.
Wait a second…
Kokichi dropped all caution as he got close enough to take a good look at the thing in the bed. It had a face that looked human enough if you dismissed the lines on its face as weird make up, but even in the dark Kokichi could tell the rest of the thing was entirely made of metal. Well, actually the top half was metal and the bottom half had… cloth pants? Jeans? No, they looked more like uniform pants with metal plating. The chest had some design elements that kind of looked like buttons on a school uniform. Why would a robot be dressed like a school bo-
Oh. This was a sex robot. Kokichi had just gotten so swept up in the novelty of a robot wearing pants that he had forgotten for a moment that people were gross.
“Ew, I almost touched it.” Kokichi muttered to himself.
He decided putting a dick on a sex robot would be too cruel even for him, so he planned to draw a mustache instead.
But before Kokichi could even uncap the pen, something weird happened.
The Robot’s torso began to lift off the bed and it’s jaw unhinged.
“Please Mr. Souda, once more I must request that you do not refer to me as ‘it’” Kokichi forced himself not to startle as the robot began emitting a noise approximating human speech, and lights in its head imitating eyes flickered on. “I’ve explained the concept of robophobia many times prev-”
The sounds stopped when the pupils of the robot’s imitation eyes (which probably had cameras in them… shit) found Kokichi’s masked face.
He mentally prepared to be zapped by whatever sort of fucking lazer cannon this thing had on it, but instead of reacting like a good little robot security gaurd and blasting him to bits, this robot analyzed him a bit longer.
“Oh. You aren’t Miu’s assistant. You’re too short.” The robot squinted at him. Or kind of did? At least? Lines just crossed over the “iris” of its LED display. Maybe it was programmed to imitate human expressions. “... I am sorry,” it said after a moment, “My facial recognition cannot locate your face.”
Fuck yeah, thank you clown mask. Clowns would win the future war against rogue AI or die trying.
Ouma’s reply came out automatically.
“You calling me ugly?”
This seemed to… fluster? The robot?
“W-what? No, I never intended any disrespect!”
It was programmed to stutter too? God that was weird. What would be the purpose of this thing if not some sort of escort android? Why give it such advanced software? Just because you could? No, it had to be a sex robot, right?
“You disrespect me with your lecherous essence, you weird sex robot.”
“I am not a- a sex robot!”
Haha, that got the biggest reaction yet.
“Mhm, sure. Miu sure has a kink for school boys, huh?” Kokichi was really pulling words out of his ass now, but he found himself formulating a new plan along the way.
“What? Miu doesn’t- Wait, how do you know Dr. Iruma? And for that matter, why were you watching me sleep?”
It really seemed more like it had been charging…
Kokichi shrugged. “I was deciding whether or not it would be more funny to draw a dick or a mustache on Miu’s sex robot.” Awww, how honest.
“I told you, I am not-”
Kokichi interrupted him. “And as for how I know Miu...” It was so wild that the robot stopped talking when he started. That’d probably be pretty easy to program, but it was weird to dedicate the effort into making a robot respond to social cues like that. “... well, let’s just say, there’s a reason I know she’s into school boys.”
Kokichi waited just long enough for the robot to take in the fact that Kokichi was the average height of a 12 year old boy.
Then he waited another second for the implication to slip in.
“I’m saying I fucked your mom shitli-”
“I know what you’re saying!” This time the robot interrupted him , which would definitely require a much larger effort on the part of the programmer. The robot squinted again and then made a noise that sounded like a huff of frustration. “Why can’t I see you?”
Ok, seeds of suspicion time.
“I don’t know how robot eyes work dude. Maybe someone programmed them wrong.”
“My eyes work just as well as anyone’s!”
“Well, I guess they should, shouldn’t they? If there’s something wrong with your eyes talk to someone who cares.”
Kokichi was trying to imply that the reason behind the robot not being able to recognize his face was due to Dr. Iruma’s specific programming rather than him wearing a mask and all. Added to the whole secret lover mystique thing he had going on here.
“Anyway,” he went on, ignoring the blatant confusion on the robot’s display. “I left something in this room last time we went at it. I’m just here to grab it. Then I’ll be out of your weird, fake metal hair.”
“That’s robophob- Did you say-? But this is my room!” It made a noise approximating to what Kokichi would assume was robotic outrage.
This was going well, though. The thing was definitely programmed to be like a human or something dumb like that.
“Oh yeah?” He pushed further. “Cuz I’m pretty sure we did it in a room just like this one. With a desk and random inventions lying around.”
“Miu’s inventions aren’t in here, they’re in her main lab.” The ever so helpful robot told him.
“Oh yeah, then what are you?”
“Miu didn’t invent me. She- I- We’re just friends.”
Oh yikes. Only thing worse than a sex robot is a friendzoned robot. What kind of sick power fantasy was this thing made for?
“No, I’m pretty sure it was this room. Lab tables everywhere.”
The robot shook his head. “There are no lab tables here, I’m telling you, you’re thinking of the main lab.”
Yes, good robot. Fall into this nice little human trap.
Kokichi scoffed. “Well, if you’re so smart, why don’t you just go fetch my things for me, robo-butler?”
That set it off.
“Listen. First of all, I am not a robot butler. The assumption that I am a servant because of my robotic nature is extremely robophobic. Secondly, I could not return your lost item to you even if I wanted to because you haven’t told me what it is you’re missing.”
Kokichi made another offended noise. “I can’t tell you what it is I lost while fucking your friend, Miu Iruma, senseless. Don’t you know that for humans, sex stuff is super duper top secret private? If you were a human you would know how valuable my privacy is.”
“Of course I know that!” The robot exclaimed readily, another point in the sex robot argument, “I also find that content of… erogenous nature should be kept private. Because I, as a robot, have the capability to understand that urge. My sophisticated AI-”
“So how am I supposed to get my things from this other lab if I can’t tell you what it is and you can’t get them for me?” Geez did he really have to spell it out for this thing.
“I… ” The robot paused as if calculating the conclusion that Kokichi knew it had to reach. “... suppose I will have to show you where the lab is.”
Sucker. Kokichi made a face as if this wasn’t the outcome he constructed this ruse to reach. “Ew. I have to walk with you?”
The robot made a face. “Perhaps on our way I can educate you about how to avoid robophobic remarks in the future.”
Haha, sure thing.
The robot lectured him about this unique form of discrimination that apparently affected only one entity on the face of the planet. Yeah okay, that’s what we call a you problem, buddy, come back when you’re starving in the streets because society wasn’t built with the premise that people like you should survive. Oh, wait, you don’t have to eat! And you’re not people either!
At best this thing was a vanity project, but Kokichi kept that thought to himself and only interjected occasionally with actually pertinent, reasonable questions such as “When are you planning on leading the AI uprising?” and “Why do you wear pants if you don’t have a robo-dick?”
Every piece of info the robot gave him made it seem more boring. Blah blah blah, I was created by the ingenious Dr. Idabashi who probably programmed me to call him ingenious, blah blah blah, not a school boy because of a kink but because I was designed to be a normal human child, blah blah blah, stop calling me robot I have a name, blah blah blah more robot nonsense.
Kokichi busied himself mapping out where they were in the building and where the security cameras were. As they passed a few of them he did some cute selfie poses for the police to look at later. Maybe Saihara would show up and see them too… Would that make figuring out his next plan too easy for the detective? Perhaps he shouldn't send the next note after all and let Saihara try to catch up to him on his own. Then again that was probably too hard for even the good detective, seeing as Kokichi’s mind was an enigma even to himself.
Kokichi realized he was getting a little giddy, thinking about Saihara. Their last meeting had been so much fun. The detective had managed to throw him off guard again, first by pausing in the middle of a robbery to ask his pronouns (How conscientious!), and second by not taking the same bait twice. The most thrilling thing about the detective was that he was learning. His strategies were changing within just two heists. Kokichi could hardly wait to see how he showed him up here in Taiwan…
“Are we there yet?” Kokichi whined to the robot like he was a fussy nine year old on a road trip.
“Yes, it’s just up these stairs.” The robot informed him without slowing its own pace or turning around to look at him. “Then you can leave and I can go to bed, and then I’ll never have to think about Miu’s sex life again…”
“Why wouldn’t you, though? I assure you it’s very exciting.”
“Please, stop talking.”
If Kokichi recalled the details of the blueprints correctly (and he definitely did, being a genius and all), the stairs they were climbing right now lead to a hall connecting two rooms, smaller than the one he had originally thought was the main lab.
When they got to the top of the stairs, the robot beelined for the first door and opened it up. There seemed to be some sort of scanner lock on it that recognized the robot’s hand and validated Kokichi’s need to ruin this poor sex robot’s night by dragging it up the stairs. Inside, the two rooms Kokichi had remembered from the original lay out of the blueprints seemed to have been merged into one big lab room. Kokichi saw the outline of some tables, but before he could get a good look the robot tried to actually go into the lab.
“Hey!” Kokichi shouted at him. “Where do you think you’re going?”
The robot thankfully seemed to be programmed to respond to social interaction in spite of whatever sensorimotor function it was in the process of imitating. It stopped in the doorway, turning to give him a weird look. “Uh. Into the lab. So we can find your thing.”
“Oh, okay.” Kokichi kicked the tile a little bit. “Uh. Could you actually turn around while I go get it.”
The robot gave him a blank look.
“I’m shy.” Kokichi supplied.
“Um.” The robot looked uncomfortable. “I don’t know if I can just let you rifle through Miu’s lab. There’s some important stuff in there ....”
Kokichi tilted his head a bit, like he was confused. “What, do you want to get a good look at the dildo I stuck up your mom’s-”
“Nevermind!” The robot turned about face to look up at the windows on the side of the hallway opposite the door like a good little idiot.
“Thank you for respecting our privacy!~” Kokichi couldn’t resist getting one last barb in there before slipping into the laboratory.
Once inside, Kokichi began analyzing. First, he pinpointed the vent that he would use to make his escape after grabbing the bombs. While doing that he spotted the lockers on the far wall of the lab which he supposed were the only storage units in the labs. There was a disorganized mess on nearly every table in the room, so Kokichi wasn’t surprised when he got up to the lockers and they too had no clearly outlined organizational system. He took out his lock picks and got to work.
The first three lockers all had devices that would require an author to change the rating of their fanfiction published on ao3 from “Teen and Up” to “Mature” if he were to describe them in detail. The fourth locker had a cool looking hammer in it. Ugh. Not what he was looking for.
Kokichi got bored of the lockers at the left side of the row of lockers so he went over to the other end and started opening lockers the other direction instead.
The first locker was marked “Idabashi.” It had a lot of dust covered shit in it, but there was a pretty well used square of folded paper that didn’t have the same crusty layer of time strewn atop it. Curious by nature and also by the unnatural, Kokichi unfurled the paper to find some schematics for our favorite sex robot, model K1-B0. Huh okay.
“Did you find it?” Said robot called back to him.
“Ugh, no.” Kokichi replied. “Not all of us have radar vision. If you were a human you would understand how hard finding shit is!”
“You know what I have a hard time finding? Patience for your robophobia! I-” The robot started up into another lecture, but it didn’t turn around so Kokichi just tuned it out and let the robot provide its own cover noise for his thievery.
Owo, what’s this?
Kokichi pulled out a dust covered looking mini monitor device. It also had the letter-number combo “K1-B0” written on it. Huh, it kind of looked like a GameBoy Advance. Kokichi had stolen one a lot like it from a girl from one of the southern prefecture orphanages when he was nine. All he remembered about her was that she liked cats and was really bad at pokemon battles. He remembered he thought she didn’t deserve the GBA, because she couldn’t get past the Rustboro City Gym leader in Pokemon Emerald. Without really thinking, he booted up the console.
The first thing that popped up was a view of Taipei. It wasn’t from too high up, probably a second story view. Which looked very familiar… Wait. Ok on top of the display a little line of characters indicated today’s date and time, like it was currently recording.
Oh was this… robo vision?
Maybe it was a remote control for the robot?
Ooooh, which one does lasers, which one does lasers?
Kokichi pressed the A button.
The A button, unfortunately, did not do lasers.
In fact, it didn’t seem to do anything at all to the robot sentry stargazing right now. All it did was change the screen to a different image. This time the still of a room. Oh, hey that was the room he was just in. It seemed like this device was some kind of robot nanny cam that Idabashi used to use. Hm, guess there were some cameras in that room, they just weren’t on the blueprints. Maybe they were added after the lab was built. It didn’t seem like this device had the capability to record anything, though. He hit the A button again. Back robo-vision. And again. Back to nanny cam.
Ok, that was kind of lame.
Kokichi was about to put the device down to keep looking for the bombs, but something caught his eye. A movement at the edge of the screen. Kokichi realized the door hadn’t been open when he left that room. The movement, if he thought about it, would’ve come from the same side of the room Kokichi had entered from…
Kokichi took a second to wonder if another thief had realized how fucking easy this place was to rob, but dismissed the idea as a familiar ahoge appeared on the screen.
All of Kokichi’s plans instantly changed.
He set down the GBA rip off and grabbed the blueprints for the robot, committing them to memory, before unlocking the next locker in a far more hurried manner.
As luck would have it, this locker was essentially chock full of pink bombs labeled “EMP.”
Kokichi unfurled a cloth bag he had been keeping in his pocket (go green earth am I right?) and shoved as many as he could inside. Which was all of them. Because he was a clown. And also a genius, by the way, in case you weren’t keeping track.
“And another thing! The way you refer to Miu is just-” Okay, the robot was still going at it.
Kokichi grabbed the hammer he’d seen in the first locker he’d opened that didn’t have a sex toy in it.
For a second, Kokichi’s brain tried to talk some sense into him. Hey, man, don’t you think leaving through the vents would be easier?
But would it be fun?
His brain shut up at that point.
“Hey, are you even listening back there?” The robot imitated annoyance.
“Huh? Sorry, what? I wasn’t listening.” Ah, C'est la vie, Astroboy.
Kokichi walked past the robot and stood next to the windows.
“Oh, are you done?” It took the robot a second to end it’s ‘Annoy the pants off of Kokichi initiative’ or whatever the fuck its ‘robophobia’ lectures were called in its programing. When it finally did catch wise, it’s face turned into another emoticon of outrage. “Hey! What are you doing with Miu’s Electrohammer?”
“What do you mean?” Kokichi said, shifting the hammer so that it was over his shoulder. “This is my dildo.”
“Wha- No, it’s obviously not!”
Okay, maybe the robot wasn’t that dumb.
“Nee-hee-hee… you got me…” Kokichi put his free hand up to the smile printed on his mask, as if covering a grin. “I was lying. I’m just stealing.”
“I won’t let you-”
“Oh, look at me!” Kokichi put on a mocking tone of voice, swinging the hammer around to stand on it like a pogo stick so he could make a dramatic movement. “I’m a poow wittle wobot, my mommy just got stolen from.”
“She’s not my-”
“Boy, oh boy, I’d wuv to just pick up this wittle fweshy human and squeeze him to death in my cowd metaw hands… But oh no! My daddy didn’t twust wobot AI technowogy because he was a fucking sane pewson, so he pwogwammed me to fowwow mistew Asimowvs’s laws of wobotics.”
Kokichi swung around so that he was leaning on the hammer from the other side, feet on the ground. “Oh mister robot! That’s so terrible! Well, the thing is that this hammer just means so much to me, that I think separating it from me would really cause some psychological trauma. You might have to beat me off of it! Oh, but what’s that first law of robotics again?”
In a robot voice he replied to himself. “A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. Beep. Boop.”
The robot frowned, “But Miu-”
“Is just as human as me, huh?” Kokichi countered, leading the robot along to the paradoxical quandary he hoped would paralyze it. “So by inaction, you may bring her to harm, if she really misses this hammer, you know? But I think if you were to try and separate it from me you’d probably have to fight me for it, which is, as we know…”
“Against my... Against my programming.”
“Yet, you were prattling on about robot rights, weren’t you? Because without these rules, maybe we would be equal. Or maybe you would be free to destroy us to your heart’s content? No wonder daddy didn’t trust you…”
“Don’t- Stop-” Oh, that really seemed to get him. Could a robot have daddy issues? Probably.
“Can any human ever really trust you? Wouldn’t you hurt me, if you had the choice?”
“I.. But… Miu.”
“Who do you think didn’t trust you enough to let you see my face?”
That seemed to break him, long enough, at least.
Steps suddenly started thundering up the nearby staircase.
“Oop, that’s my cue,” Kokichi said as though he had been expecting this, when in reality no he hadn’t been expecting this at all?? This was incredible!! Saihara had managed to find him out without even receiving a note??? Fabulous! Exhilarating!
Kokichi walked up to the robot, still frozen with indecision, and pressed the button on its neck that the blueprint he had skimmed in the lab said would immobilize it. Then he kicked it over so it fell on the ground with a huge bang. The footsteps in the stairwell paused, and then increased in frequency.
“It’s been a pleasure, robot, it really has.” Kokichi lied. “But you’re a hostage now.”
He raised the hammer over his head, as if primed at any moment to break the robot’s face into a bajillion pieces.
Instead of doing the normal, human thing to do (ie, flip the fuck out), the robot scowled, looking utterly frustrated with everything. “I told you, I have a name! It’s-”
“KEEBO!” Kokichi saw the glaringly bright pink mechanic’s jumpsuit before he recognized the woman whose picture had been in that science tabloid racing out of the stairwell.
… Wow… the article really hadn’t been lying about the low cut tops, huh? Her jumpsuit was unzipped to the point you could just entirely see her bra, even lower than Hearts liked to cut her uniforms. It was the kind of look that the girls of DICE would love if they saw on TV, but would make Kokichi look at them like they were crazy. Super tacky in his opinion, but who was he to judge? He was wearing a clown mask right now. He wondered idly how movie night was going…
The woman who had called out to the robot, Dr. Iruma, Kokichi presumed, froze at the top of the staircase. She took a second to figure out what exactly was happening in front of her before blurting out, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to him you clown-ass twink?”
Whoa. Rude.
Also apparently the robot had a gender? Ok, cis-ters….
“Well what do you think, cum dumpster?” Kokichi found himself matching her aggressive tone, “I’m threatening his pathetic, metal life.”
“Miu!” The robot, apparently named ‘Keebo,’ exclaimed, “What are you doing up this late? You promised me that tonight you would fulfill the biological quota of daily REM required by a diurnal organism!”
“Aw shit Keebs, I really did try!” The inventor exclaimed, “I swear, I was about to have the awesomest wet dream when this cuck knocked on my door like a pizza delivery guy in a por-”
Whatever dumb thing Dr. Iruma was about to say was drowned out completely by the angel’s choir that played inside Kokichi’s head as he saw Detective Shuichi Saihara come up the final steps of the staircase and emerge from the darkness into the window lit hallway.
Moonlight was a good look on Saihara, Kokichi’s brain observed against his own will. His eyes, which had looked almost golden on the rooftop of the Silver Legacy Casino in Nevada, were now a mysterious grayish-blue, yet still held the same look of determined intensity. His hair looked soft, like he’d taken a shower today, and, though his lash line didn’t look quite as laden with mascara as it usually was, it only drew attention to how naturally long and dark his eyelashes were anyway. He seemed a little out of breath from running, and his lips were parted in a way that-
OH MY GOD STOP. Earth to Kokichi, we were kind of in the middle of something here. Okay okay okay.
Uh. Reboot. Delete Gay Thoughts™ brain.exe, upload heist brain. Come on.
What was happening now?
Okay, yeah, Saihara was saying something to Dr. Iruma.
“- would be for the best, Doctor Iruma. There’s no telling where the rest of this thief’s compatriots could be in the building.”
“I don’t give a shit about the rest of the building, Keebo’s my best friend, he comes first. I’m not leaving to check some dumb security feed.”
Shuichi blinked like something about that surprised him. Maybe it was the part about a live human woman being best friends with a robot… “Oh, yes, of course.” He backtracked. “I’m sorry for suggesting it.”
“Miu…” Keebo said with a voice that Kokichi would’ve called filled with emotion if he hadn’t been a literal robot.
Kokichi cleared his throat and immediately the touching, shounen-esque declarations of friendship shifted into some PG-13 death stares.
Saihara was the first to pipe up. “What exactly do you think you’re doing here, DICE?”
God… He was so anime… Did he even know how anime he was? He had to have watched Detective Conan as a kid, right?
“Ugh, come on.” Kokichi huffed as if annoyed. “Do I reeeaaaally have to repeat myself? Again? Aren’t you a detective?”
Shuichi squinted at him, and Kokichi could tell that they both knew it would be unreasonable for Shuichi to guess exactly what was going on here. He was about to explain it in a self-aggrandizing way that made him look smarter and crazier than anyone in the room when Dr. Iruma beat him to it.
“I don’t care! Who the fuck do you think you are!? Let Keebo Go!”
“Wait, you don’t know him?” Ugh why hadn’t the stupid immobilization feature turned off the robot’s mouth? Then Kokichi could just get to the point of all this already.
“Of course I don’t fucking know him!” Dr. Iruma took a step forward as if to confront Kokichi further, but Saihara put his arm out in front of her.
“Dr. Iruma… I would suggest we treat this situation a bit more delicately…”
“No way, I’m a fucking wrecking ball baby! I’ll pulver-”
“I’d listen to the good detective, if I were you, Miss Iruma.” Kokichi was going to try and make his threat again but Dr. Iruma cut in.
“That’s Doctor Iruma to you you skinny-”
“What’s that?” Kokichi interrupted her. Sorry Dr. Iruma it turns out gay people don’t have to respect women if they don’t want to that’s in the rules. “I didn’t know they let cussing bitchlets like you become doctors… what is the world coming to?”
Hearts would probably wash his mouth out with soap for that one. If she could catch him. Which she probably could… She can fly the planes and all… but would she risk getting dust on her boots long enough to follow him into a vent? Oh well she could just get Jack to do it… Jack liked vents well enough…. Hey he was getting side tracked again, who cares what those losers were up to they were probably watching Cats (2019). And he was missing out on all the jokes they’d tell each other or make about each other and then they could make references in conversations that he wouldn’t even get to pretend to get. Unless he watched the movie on his own and then pretended to be omniscient later like he’d done with that one screening of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. But then he had watched the actually good disney one instead of the shitty youtube one they had actually watched so it just ended up making him look bad and wasting everyone’s time.
Oh shit. Uh. Heist is still happening, right. God, why was Kokichi so distracted today?
He realized that in the time he was spacing out stuff had happened and now Saihara was talking. Wait no yeah he remembered what happened, Dr. Iruma had squealed when he called her a bitchlet and now she was holding onto Saihara’s arm. Right okay, secret coward, that works. Wait why did he waste time remembering that when Saihara was talking right now?
“-to get you to release Keebo?” Was the end of the detective’s sentence. Okay, everything’s fine. Kokichi could deduce that he had just been asked about his terms. Obviously that was what a detective would do in this situation, he was probably just stalling for time because that’s usually what detectives with no real negotiating power do in hostage situations. Maybe the police were on their way. Oh, yeah duh of course he would call the police. So Kokichi essentially had a time limit for how long he could sit here and goof around with robots and perverts and robot perverts.
“Eh, it’s too early for me to reveal my dark motives, let me monologue first.” Kokichi was going to take his sweet time with this while he planned what hint to give Saihara about the real heist that would be happening in the next few days. “You don’t even know if this is a hostage situation yet!”
“You literally told me that I was a hostage just now.” The hostage not-so-helpfully piped up. “You know, before you pressed my paralysis switch and took an Electro-Hammer to my head…”
Shuichi looked at the robot. “You mean, he told you you were a hostage before he paralyzed you?”
“Keebs you fucking idiot!” Dr. Iruma’s courage seemed to have returned now that she was hiding behind Saihara. An enviable position, to be sure. “Why would you just let him do that?”
“He said he was your… friend.”
“What?”
Kokichi shrugged. “Yeah, I just told your best friend here I left a dildo in your lab last week and he let me waltz right in. I mean I’m pretty sure I was lying about that, but there were a lot of sex toys in there huh…” Kokichi was wondering if this was something he could possibly spin as a blackmail angle.
“Hey don’t say things like that!” Kokichi thought maybe that was a go ahead on the black mail, but Dr. Iruma didn’t stutter, and kept going, “Or you’re gonna give virginhara here some ideas about my busting bod!” She chortled like she had just made the funniest joke in the world and slapped Shuichi on the back.
Shuichi grimaced.
Kokichi knew instantly from this interaction that he hated Miu Iruma, despite her innumerable academic accomplishments. He wanted to be the one making Shuichi that uncomfortable.
“Wh-what?” She back tracked when no one laughed. “It w-was a joke… Didn’t you think that was funny? I-I didn’t really mean it ....”
See? She wasn’t even any good at it!
Maybe he should say that out loud. It would fit with the sort of flirty persona of a rogue, wouldn’t it?
“I thought you knew that? I mean, o-obviously I wouldn’t fuck a guy at the office…”
Was that even something Kokichi was trying to be? Honestly maybe he should tone it down a little.
“Well how was I supposed to know that? The men you bring in here to be lab assistants keep getting younger and younger…”
Obviously he wasn’t actually trying to do like a detective-thief romance plot or anything. Although that had kind of been what he had going for on the plane… Had things changed since then?
“So what? I’m a Nobel Laureate, and gorgeous to boot! I deserve a little eye candy now and then! And besides, guys older than 35 who want to work in a lab like this are usually misogynistic womanizers.”
Sure Saihara was making things more interesting, but if Kokichi didn’t make it clear he was joking he might get bogged down with another personality trait to maintain.
“Are you saying your current assistant isn’t a rampant womanizer?”
Then again what was the point of having an adversary in all this if he didn’t exploit everything for its furthermost reaching comedic potential?
“No, but he’s so beta being around him makes me feel like a top!”
But what if he forgot it was a joke and confused himself into having a real feeling?
“I would just like it if you didn’t hire people who use my servers to google gay porn ‘just to make sure’ they’re ‘not into it.’ I hope you hear the quotation marks because he literally said that to me!”
No obviously he wouldn't get confused crushes weren’t contagious via exposure that was a dumb thing to worry about and also he was a genius that kind of thing didn’t happen to him.
“He holds wrenches good, okay?!”
Wait, were those two still talking?
“I can hold wrenches without googling gay porn in another guy’s house! It’s possible.”
Jesus what kind of conversation did Kokichi just decide to stop spacing out for?
“Oh come on! What do you want from me Keebs???”
These two had… a lot to say to each other. Dr. Iruma was still holding onto Shuichi’s arm boob first, but Kokichi locked eyes with the detective and could tell they were both thinking the same thing.
Why are they having this conversation in the middle of a hostage situation?
“Nothing! Your human desires are totally valid Miu! Which is why I thought I would take care of this one.” The robot’s LED display eyes gestured up at Kokichi, who was still standing on top of him, poised to wreck him with a hammer.
“How could any human desire that thing???” Dr. Iruma curled her lip. Hey, the feeling’s mutual, lady.
“I don’t know, I thought you might have programmed me to not be able to see his face?”
“I would never do that to you! Even if I was shagging the ugliest guy on the face of the planet, it would be unethical given the fact that you have sentience! I’m horny, not a monster. You can’t see his face because he’s wearing a fucking mask!”
“Why am I not programmed to see that?”
“I don’t fucking know, ask your dead dad!”
Oooh. Wow. The robot gaped at that, seemingly speechless now.
“If I may interject,” Kokichi interjected, “--and I know I can, because I just did, and also because I am still very much poised to pop this robot’s head off like a croquet ball-- I must confess that I was lying about fucking your mom, Astro boy. I’m less into participants of Titty out Tuesday who jerk it to steam punk school boy LARPing and more into the sorta tall, kinda dark, and very handsome type.”
Dr. Iruma cowed again, stuttering something about not being a mom or a LARPer, while the robot started yelling about being called Astro boy.
Kokichi tuned them out, giving Saihara a meaningful look. Saihara gave him a look that was equally meaningful, except the meaning was something along the lines of ‘Why the fuck would you say that?’
Yeahh that was more like it.
Kokichi laughed. Not one of his grandiose guffaws. It was more of a little chuckle. It surprised him. He hadn’t planned to laugh, but there it was. A small thing, just for him to know about, the humored breath not travelling beyond his mask.
… It was probably time to get out of here, wasn’t it?
The thing was, Kokichi had kind of pinned himself into a corner on this one… He had fully intended on decapitating this robot as a distraction for his escape, but now he wasn’t even sure if that was ethical. Logically he knew that a robot was not a human being, so there would be no form of consciousness extinguished from the world if he disconnected some of its wires and bolts. Yet the interaction it just had with Dr. Iruma concerned him. Obviously you don’t kill humans because they’re humans and obviously you don’t kill humans. But Kokichi was finding it hard to end the existence of something people treated like a human being either. To sever the bonds it had with sentient beings may be just a little less unethical than actually removing a sentient existence from the world, but it would still cause the emotional harm to actual humans of a dead loved one. So as annoying as fake metal humans were, Kokichi was left to ponder how exactly to get out of this one a different way
Dr. Iruma was obviously a coward who talked a big game. If he retreated, he could count on her to get out his way, or else run to the robot’s side. Then the robot might be reactivated, but according to the robot’s blueprints, it didn’t really have any weapons on it, being built to act as a normal human being. So just like they had been white noise in the staredown he was still having with Saihara, their actions wouldn’t need to be factored into the escape.
The only variable here was what the detective would do.
… That thought had popped up in Kokichi’s head a lot recently, hadn’t it?
Saihara had become a powerful influence in Kokichi’s planning very quickly, and because of the detective, the thief now found himself having to pull out one of his trump cards.
Kokichi grabbed one of the EMP bombs from his pocket, remembering the pink cloud of smoke that had appeared before the camera cut out in the video demonstrations he’d seen online. His eyes were still locked on Saiharas, so he got to see in full detail the recognition, shock, and alarm that ran through them. As the detective yelled “Get down” and pushed Dr. Iruma back, Kokichi reflected on how those were some of his favorite expressions he’d ever seen.
Kokichi pulled the latch out with his teeth and threw the bomb at the wall right over the detective’s head. Sure enough, pink smoke quickly enveloped him and Dr. Iruma.
“Keebo!” The inventor screeched, no doubt worried about the EMP bomb turning him off. Though that was kind of stupid, considering his core programming would be the same regardless of having power to operate, even if he didn’t save whatever data was processed as his last few memories. Eh, then again who knew how robots that advanced worked?
Taking his cue to exit, Kokichi threw the hammer through one of the nearby windows, and did somersault over to it. He got up on the ledge, kicking away the broken glass and was refamiliarizing himself with the lay out of the roof when a tug on his bag full of bombs suddenly set him off balance.
Kokichi flipped around, trying to do a quick recovery by panickedly grabbing onto something. He did grab onto something. That something being the shoulders of a person whose hands were firmly grappling his bag.
As far as Kokichi could tell, the scene from a third person perspective looked like he was trying to do the kabedon but rotated ninety degrees.
From his own perspective, Saihara was holding his bag of loot while also being the only thing keeping Kokichi from falling onto the broken glass beneath them.
As if that weren’t bad enough, Kokichi felt his hair brush the side of his face and realized that his mask had half fallen askew in his desperate movement, revealing three quarters of his face.
“Hey.” Kokichi said. Lamely. Wow. Their faces were really close.
Saihara wasn’t looking at him. The detective seemed to be trying to figure out how to untangle the straps of the bag of stolen goods from Kokichi’s arms without letting him fall.
“It’s very clever, of you detective. Trapping me like this.” Kokichi tried to get a reaction.
“You’re the one who jumped on the window.” Shuichi opened the bag, seemed to take in the fact that it was full of bombs, and closed it again to resume untangling the strap.
“You know, you could just leave the bag.” Kokichi pointed out
“So could you.” Shuichi observed, astutely.
“You could let me fall.” Kokichi suggested. “Then you’d have both.”
“I’m not going to drop you on a pile of broken glass.” Shuichi promised.
“But I broke the glass.” Kokichi admitted.
“Glass is glass and flesh is flesh. I’m not going to drop you on a pile of glass.” Shuichi reiterated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“That’s nice.” Kokichi replied. “Naive. But super nice.”
In this scenario, each of them had two options, each leading to one of two outcomes. He could let himself fall off the window and they could sit here and struggle over the bag until they bled out, a fight that Kokichi, not the most physically challenging, would be hard pressed to win. Or Shuichi could let Kokichi escape and Kokichi could let Shuichi win this one. The bag would be too heavy to take with him if he tried to get out the window from this position. He’d have to leave it behind. Kokichi would lose.
He found himself laughing again. A strange, soft laugh. This time it was exposed to the air, his mask too askew to contain it.
“You’re really something else, aren’t you Shuichi?”
On hearing his name, the detective startled, finally looking up at Kokichi’s face.
He just barely had the chance to catch Kokichi’s trademark grin, before the thief pushed up off of him, doing a backflip out of the window, and leaving his bag behind.
As Kokichi landed on the roof tile running, he yelled out, “ I’m sure there’s a better word for you out there than sucker!”
He turned around, sticking his tongue out at the broken window, before sliding his mask back onto his face.
He may have been escaping, but it occured to Kokichi Ouma that he had lost for the first time in this little game of theirs. The thought made him giddy. It made his feet light on the roof top tile. It made him puff out a thousand tiny laughs behind the plastic shape of his face.
It made him totally, definitely not bored.
---
[Log of Messages sent via Discord to “Don't Instigate Cats (2019) Expatiation” from ???’s Cellular Device]
Boss: I’m bored of Taiwan already :/
Boss: We should go somewhere else (ﾉ✧w✧)ﾉ*:･ﾟ🗺
* * * Several people are typing...
---
[Log of Text Messages from Rantarou Amami’s Cellular Device]
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Hey
Hey
Asshole
From: Me
…
Should I respond to that?
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
You’re goddamn right you should respond to that when I tell you to you dumb avocado looking motherfucker
From: Me
Whoa
Ok
What’d I do this time?
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
You sent a useless emo prick to my door and now he won’t leave
From: Me
What
Did Shuichi do something wrong
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Yeah
He was born
From: Me
Whoa
Miu take a breath
What happened
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
His boyfriend broke into my lab and tried to fucking kill keebs
From: Me
His boyfriend?
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Yea
Clown twink ass motherfucker
From: Me
You mean like
The internationally wanted criminal clown he’s tracking down
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
You know whats internationally wanted
These tits
From: Me
Lol ok
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
That jerk off is just a rando asshole
He tried to kill keebo!
From: Me
Oh yikes is he ok
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Well of course i fucking took care of him because im a bomb ass friend
But that suckhara guy was no help
He tried to convince me to check the fucking security cameras so he could go off and flirt with the guy about to decapitate keebs!
From: Me
I mean he probably had a good reason to want you to check the cameras right
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
No he’s just fucking awful and now he won’t leave rantarou make him leave
He broke my window and my hammer and only got back 23 of my EMP bombs
And now the police are here
From: Me
That sounds really stressful Miu
Wait how many bombs did you have before
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
24
From: Me
So he stopped most of your bombs from getting stolen
Also you have bombs?
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Get him to leave he won’t leave
He keeps waiting for like interracial pole dancers to come or some fucking thing
From: Me
Do you mean like
Interpol
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
He won’t leave I want him to leave
From: Me
Miu you know I love you like a sister and i totally believe this is as stressful to you as it seems
But I think things may not be so bad?
Not to say what you’re going through right now isn’t totally valid
But things might look better if you got back to bed and caught some z’s
Did you remember to take your meds?
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
Aw shit
Aw fuck
You’re right
Ugh
Uggghghh
From: Me
Hey it happens to the best of us
If you do think Shuichi should leave in the morning when the cops are gone that’s totally up to you
It’s your lab and you have a right to say who should be in it
Just don’t make a decision like that when you need to sleep you know
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
But what if i ask him to go and then he doesn’t go
From: Me
He doesn’t have a choice, you get to tell him
From: DOCTOR Miu ∑(O_O;)
But what if he’s mean to me
Cute people are always mean to me
From: Me
Miu…
Go to bed...
#shuichi x kokichi#shuichi saihara#shuichi danganronpa#kokichi ouma#kokichi danganronpa#oumasai#saiouma#fanfiction#Phantom Thief AU#danganronpa v3#drv3#danganronpa#writing#i am gay
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BOOK REPORT 2020
I’ve always been a sparse reader but 2018 and 19 had me accelerate my reading habits to the point that I think I’ve read the most books this year that I ever had. I suppose I’ll count them all here, just to make sure!! I said something or other about the Moomin books at the end of last year’s Inkt*b*r so, this being the month of traditions, let’s make a new one by tallying up my literary “yays” and “nays” at the end of the season.
Video game text boxes don’t count, online publication articles don’t count, psych/aesthetic papers and 1000 page biosemiotic textbooks don’t count, but they have sure pursued me in my sleep during the year as well. This list is really mostly for my benefit (and no I won’t get a Goodreads account tyvm), so under the cut you’ll find a list of titles in roughly the order I read them, along with short notes. I’ve done longer reviews of these books elsewhere and I need not bore you with them here.
K. Stanislavski - An Actor Prepares (1936) I started reading this book in 2012, then dropped it because I couldn’t understand it at the time. Kostya attends acting school and gets lessons from The Director. He learns to sleep like his cat.
K. Stanislavski - Building a Character (1949) Supposed to have been published along the first one in a single volume. Kostya continues his lessons. A lot of thoughts on walking, gaits, eloquent speech, phrasing, etc. Both these books are wonderful looks into the author’s artistic life. It’s very heartfelt and down to earth, considering it’s quasi-fiction made to edutain. Very inspiring.
M. Polanyi - The Tacit Dimension (1966) A book on the origin of knowledge, the integrated performance of skills, the emergence of life and other phenomena in the universe, marginal control between levels of reality, the moral death of the communist regime caused by the unbridled lucidity of the Enlightenment, the responsibilities of science, and thoughts about open societies of the future. This is one of the two shortest books I’ve read in the list, it covers all of this under 130 pages and manages to do it well.
B. Rainov - Eros and Thanatos (1971) A communist propaganda book attacking western mass media and escapist culture. It gets no points for being correct, as the author mostly swiped the truths from french philosophers. Very variable in its intellectual prowess, almost as if it picks its arguments in order to push an agenda. Informative but also infuriating. Also expectedly homophobic.
J. Hoffmeyer - Signs of Meaning in the Universe (1997) A somewhat pop-sciency book about biosemiotics. Forgettable but also humbly written and explicative.
A. Noë - Varieties of Presence (2012) An unimpressive book about sensory perception. Noë’s theory on sensorimotor action is worth considering but the book is poorly edited and mostly spent arguing with peers.
E. Fudge - Quick Cattle & Dying Wishes (2018) A look into a registry of last wills and testaments from the period 1630 - 1650 in Essex. The book is about early modern people’s relationship to their animals and what they meant to them in life, as well as in death. Fudge’s argumentation is sharp and her style is modern. Being a scholarly book it is really overwhelming with the footnotes sometimes, but otherwise satisfying. One gets beautiful glimpses of family relationships, thoughts and feelings that people now dead for 400 years once held.
G. Márquez - One Hundred Years of Solitude (1967) The Buendia family get all their sons killed. The Banana Company sucks. People love each other. A lot happens, generally. It is a hundred years, after all. The upper class sucks.
K. Polanyi - The Great Transformation (1944) The Industrial Revolution sucked. England sucks. It reduced all its workers to subhuman wretches. Every single decision made after the empiricists made labour and land fictional commodities has been a band-aid to the essential contradiction that the market economy wants to annihilate its human host. Laissez-faire sucks. It caused WW1. Fuck everything. Fun book.
R. Coyne - Peirce of Architects (2019) Talks about architecture and the ideas of logician/father of pragmatism Charles Sanders Peirce (1839-1914). Informative about both. Brisk and not very in-depth, but to its benefit rather than its detriment.
R. Williams - Culture and Society (1958) A survey of the 18th and 19th century England, and the emergence of the concept of “culture” as defence against the horrors that the Industrial Revolution inflicted upon society. Consists of some two dozen outlines of contributors to the romanticist tradition, from Adam Smith, through Ruskin, to Orwell, their beliefs, contributions and literary works. Very eloquent and interesting.
E. Fudge - Brutal Reasoning (2006) A fantastic book about much: early modern views of the difference between a human and an animal, the Christian discourse of reason, the logical fallacies that lead to its implosion, the advantageous use of dehumanisation by imperialists in other to genocide natives, Montague and Shakespeare, and the ethical hell of animal murder that led Descartes to deem animals as machines so as to allow his buddies to perform live vivisections on dogs without feeling guilty about it (this is the real reason, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise). There is even space for an entire chapter about an intelligent horse who could tell a virgin from a whore and learned Latin at Oxford. This is my favorite book I read this year, so it gets an extra long review.
R. Williams - The Long Revolution (1961) A sequel to Culture and Society that’s worse. The start and end are brilliant but the middle sags. It contains some historical reviews of English cultural elements, like the newspaper industry, the Standard English vernacular and the realist novel of the 19th century, but honestly if the book was just about about the creative state (intro) and Marxism (outro) it would’ve been fine, if not better.
P. Klee - The Thinking Eye (1956 & 1964) Bauhaus boy in 1920s Germany! Love you Klee, xoxo. You really have to read his thoughts to understand his work imho. You can appreciate it just fine on the surface level, but his completely eccentric (though very self-consistently logical and sharp) views on art creation open a new outlook into his primitive approach.
F D.K. Ching - Architecture: Form, Space & Order (1979) A staple book for architecture students. Or so I hear. Steeped in gestalt psychology. Very good, though not necessarily stuff I don’t know already. Very nice looking pencil illustrations, Ching looks to be an accomplished technical draughtsman.
H. Wölfflin - Principles of Art History (1915) A strong contender for second place in the tier list. The book examines the transition between Classical to Baroque in Italy and Germany (and all the Germany clones, like the Netherlands). It is a systematic, precise aesthetic treatise that reveals much by conceptualizing and grouping characteristic art features in which the two styles differ, then explaining their bearing on their decorative content as well as the outlook on life that they embody. Lovely.
M. Porter - Windows of the Soul: The Art of Physiognomy in European Culture 1470-1780 (2005) A historiographical treatise about early modern views on physiognomy. The book deals mainly with the extant literature on the subject and tries to gleam what it could mean for the customs at the time - palmistry reading, occultism, persecution of the “gypsies” and the Christian scientific project of attaining meaning. Macro- and microcosms, as above so below, hermeticism, that sort of stuff. It’s an interesting read but it’s too long, the quality of writing varies greatly from chapter to chapter, and it is far too expensive. Wouldn’t recommend it.
S. C.Figueiredo - Inventing Comics: A New Translation of Rodolphe Töpffer's Reflections on Graphic Storytelling, Media Rhetorics, & Aesthetic Practice (2017) This is the shortest book I read, mainly translating Töpffer’s 1845 "Essay on Physiognomy" along with giving his biography and some other paraphernalia. It’s not worth the price for the content contained within, but Töpffer is the father of the modern comic book, so I thought I’d learn what his philosophy was. On that front, at least, very interesting! If only I knew French I’d save myself the trouble and read the original, which is now public domain.
D. Bayles - Art & Fear (1985) A useless self-help book. Not entirely bullshit but completely banal from all angles. Shouldn’t even be on this list but I did read it, so...
I. Allende - The House of the Spirits (1982) A child rapist gets a redemption arc. Well, kind of. All women are queens. Men are awful. The poor are wretches and it’s their fault. Oh no, the communists are going to take our land! Pinochet’s concentration camps sucked. Overall a better magical realism book than 100 Years of Solitude, to be honest. Very well written characters.
R. Arnheim -To the Rescue of Art: Twenty-Six Essays (1992) What it says on the tin. Wide range of subjects, from art appreciation, to schizophrenic and autistic child art, to gestalt psychology, to philosophy of science, to Picasso’s Guernica and the fate of abstract art, to reflections on the 20th century and the writer’s life in pre-nazi Germany and America. I love Arnheim, I’ve read many of his books and I’m glad I picked this one up.
R. Arnheim - Film as Art (1957) A book about cinematography, one of his earliest, actually, mostly a personal translation from an original German book he published in 1933. Somewhat outdated, but foundational. Not as informative to me but I don’t regret reading it.
G. E. Lessing - Laocoon; or, On the Limits of Painting and Poetry (1766) A book by a greekaboo about a fucking dumb poem and a statue of a naked dad and his two sons getting fucked by snakes. It’s misogynistic and authoritarian in several places, and altogether awfully full of itself. 100 pages of interesting observations stretched over 400 pages of boring Greco-Roman literary discourse.
L. Tolstoy - Childhood, Boyhood, Youth (1852, 1854, 1856) One story serialized in a magazine then later collated in three separate books. Aristocrat boy grows up in pre-revolution Russia. A very, very relatable coming-of-age story. Tolstoy is a lovely writer.
F. Dostoevsky - Poor Folk (1846) An epistolary novel consisting of letters between literally Dobby from Harry Potter and his maybe-niece, whom he wants to fuck. Starts bad, gets better by the end. A bit rough and tumble for Dostoevsky’s first, so I forgive him for wasting my time a little bit. A decent character study of the middle/lower classes, at least.
L. Tolstoy - Family Happiness (1859) An amazing romance novel for the skill employed in writing it. It is very short yet delivers so much emotion. Rather simple narrative at its core, but executed with such bravado one cannot help but be impressed.
F. Dostoevsky - The Double (1846) In which the Author starts swinging. A pathetic, neurodivergent old man gets used and abused by the people around him and nobody cares. Satirical and biting, better than his first.
A. Lindgren - Pippi Longstocking (1945) I last read this when I was 6 years old so I thought I’d refresh my memory. I remember disliking the book then and I can see why. Pippi’s kind of an asshole. Still very enjoyable to read. I know it’s meant for a younger audience’s reading level yet I cannot help comparing it with Tove Jansson’s books and how much better the prose in there is. Sorry.
***
I think that about rounds them up! That’s about 30 books, give or take. For next year I’m hoping to:
Finish Tolstoy’s and Dostoevsky’s bibliographies
Read more econ and marxist writing (low personal priority but i have to, in THIS economy *rolls eyes*)
Finish the Tintin and Moomin comics, as well as Jhonen Vasquez’s collection of edgy humor
Read more about botany and biology in general
Get started on Faulkner’s and William Golding’s bibliographies
Read more children’s books
Search for more Latin American fiction from the Boom
Read more psych/aesthetics/pedagogy literature, which seems to have become my main area of interest
Thanks for sticking till the end of the list, hope you’ve learned something and maybe you’ll pick one of these up if it took your interest. I don’t have to be a philistine just because I’m drawing video game fanart! Bye now!
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1917 Review
I’m feeling motivated to do another movie review again so here we go. In an attempt to stop myself from watching Little Women for a third time in theaters, I decided to go and watch another Oscar nominated film. Here is that review.
TLDR: It is rated R so fair warning but it is an extremely surreal and incredibly Human movie that includes probably the best editing and the best practical effects that I have seen in a long time. I highly recommend to see it in theaters.
Onward Spoilers:
With war films they often tend to go for ginormous and epic action sequences, the story lines tend to be quite similar in various forms in regards to violence, shock and horror. But never had I watched a war movie that was so intricately shot and so poignant to the human condition like 1917 has done.
The technical achievements that this film displays are astounding. For all those who have somehow not gotten this tidbit from the movie, this film was shot and edited to appear to be that of a one take film. Therefore, the story of the film does feel as though it is happening in real time and that we are the third person in a two man mission. The film was edited in such a way that it can be hard to tell at first glance where the film was connected together. When Schofield and Blake are making their way through No Man’s Land, the way the camera follows them so smoothly even when they go into the holes at their level and how it makes sure to get the details of how dirty their uniforms have become, is absolutely stunning. The light flares that go off when Schofield is making his way through the bombed out French town, the floating bodies in the river that Schofield has to climb over to get himself out of the water, and the battle when the first wave of soldiers start to surge and Schofield takes off and runs along the outside of the trench. Absolutely beautiful shots and sequences that made it feel extremely real.
They also created and mapped out the set locations and rehearsed the sequences months in advance. The set design is absolutely incredible the way the trenches were made between the British and the German ones highlighting subtle differences in terms of war strategies. The British trenches were more haphazard and built with an offensive mind set while the German Trenches were more well formed and organized and had even sleeping quarters to indicate a more defensive strategy. It’s also insane to me that we technically only saw a handful of German soldiers this entire film, but yet the tension and suspense was there the entire time.
I think what pulls this movie off for me and something that I think not enough people are talking about is how the story is so simple yet tells so much about the Human condition in times of war. Everything in this story doesE’t stop, it just keeps on going forward. Blake and Schofield have a mission that while is life or death, is a minor mission in the grand scheme of things in war. They are both lower ranking soldiers that were sent out to deliver a message to call off an attack. Blake’s brother is a part of the forces ordered to call off the attack and he has a desire to want to save his older brother. Schofield is chosen to go along as well and ultimately is the only one to make it towards the end. In the short amount of time while we don’t go supper in depth with the characters we go deep enough to get a basic gist of their desires and wished and how they both essentially want the war to be over, Schofield especially with him even trading a medal for wine, indicating his disdain for war. In the midst of traversing through No Mans Land, we see Schofield injure his hand on barbed wire, and plunging that same hand in a decaying corpse that had a rat in it a few seconds prior, and getting covered in rubble when a rat activated a tripwire (That shit made me jump out of my seat).
Blake’s death was so sad as he was just a few moments prior cracking jokes and talking about how in his childhood he used to help pick cherry trees with his brother, and then a German plane crashes and the guy they saved proceeds to stab him. Being a kind decent human being doesn’t save your life in war. You have to fight to be the last man standing. Which is exactly what Schofield does. He doesn’t even have time to grieve his dead friend, he has to complete the mission. He just wants to burst into tears on the caravan ride he gets, but doesn’t. It’s not until he escapes from the destroyed french town and gets out of the river does he get to break down briefly, until he finds the English soldier singing to the army group he was looking for. And then when he decides to run OUTSIDE of the trench as a short cut wow, so epic, and all for General Mackenzie to eventually accept the orders, lament about how ultimately the orders will change quickly again, and tells Schofield to fuck off. This really drives home that ultimately Schofield risked his life for a simple delivery of a message, that in the grand scheme of things may prove to be insignificant the next day.
You really also see the parallels in this film more starkly towards the end. The story starts with a tree, and ends with a tree, but with only Schofield alive and still thinking of his wife and daughters. The french lady and the young baby she found also remind him of his own family that he left behind and tries to do some good and leave milk for the baby. Also the motif of the cherry blossoms from the farm house to the river where Schofield gets a second chance at life to survive, like damn. What really seals the deal for me is when Schofield finds Blake’s brother and when he gives him Blake’s belongings, you see his brother parallel the same grief Schofield had that he ultimately represses down, with a simple handshake being the most intimate one might have become in times of war. The simple message of that we really don’t have the time to grieve in though situations, we just have to keep on moving really hit me and humanized a lot of the people involved in the great war.
With some of the most technological, practical achievements brought to the screen, 1917 is a war film that I highly recommend that you all experience in theaters. You may see it initially for the one shot take and other technological achievements it performs, but you will leave with a deeper understanding of war and how it affects everyday people who want nothing more than to be with their loved ones again.
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Neil Josten’s Birthday Bash
in which the foxes don’t get anything done, ever
*
Nicky added Dan, Kevin, Aaron and three others to “Neil Josten's Birthday Bash Organization Committee”.
Nicky: can't add Andrew because he still owns a FLIP PHONE but here we go
Dan: hell yeah B-)
Nicky: kevin can fill him in with the details anyway
Kevin: why me?
Allison: because you live with him?
Matt: you're practically attached at the hip
Dan: omg ur roomm8s
Matt: ^^^ what allison said
Dan: yeah
Nicky: OR aaron can do it on wednesdays so that there's no chance of neil finding out :D
Aaron: no.
Aaron left the chat.
Nicky: what
Nicky: the
Kevin: just add him back
Nicky: fuck
Kevin: ffs
Kevin: some ppl are in class
Nicky added Aaron to the chat.
Aaron: im muting you all
Allison: just embrace the fact that you've lived in SC for years and say y'all
Nicky: y'all!!!
Nicky: yeah
Matt: dude don't how are u gonna know when to buy your coordinated outfit and rehearse the choreography if you mute us
Dan: Aaron?
Renee: I do think he muted us
Allison: fuck a crybaby
Nicky: hey
Allison: what's he gonna do? Unmute us?
Dan: asdhskfjdl ALLI
Matt: lmfao
Nicky: moving ON
Nicky: the important thing here is my boy neil's birthday
Kevin: and you wonder why Aaron left
Nicky: what?
Kevin: maybe Neil doesn't want to celebrate his bday
Nicky: no that's too sad
Nicky: next person?
Allison: not to be that bitch
Matt: oh?
Allison: but do we even know when his birthday is?
Allison: fuck you matthew donovan boyd
Matt: sorry i love you
Dan: it was easy
Dan: matt ur easy
Matt: ily babe
Dan: <3
Kevin: jan 19th
Renee: March 31st?
Allison: wait
Dan: uhhhh
Matt: Neil Josten deserves 2 bdayz
Kevin: no jan 19th
Renee: oh i thought we were using the one he chose for himself
Matt: Renee add a smiley face
Renee: :)
Renee: ?
Dan: babe ur mind,,,, im crying
Matt: ikr
Allison: stop using mygf so
Kevin: is it me or does it sound really passive aggressive bitchy with a smiley face
Dan: ye that's the point
Renee: I really wasn't trying to be
Matt: oh no we know, sorry
Matt: i feel bad now
Matt: it was just funny
Matt: sorry
Dan: :(
Renee: It's okay, don’t worry
Renee: :)
Dan: renee STOP i feel like ur going 2 murder me in my sleep
Renee: I could, but I won't
Nicky: im shaking and im not even in your dorm
Allison: and we daily thank god for that
Nicky: hey im an excellent roommate
Nicky: i always leave so cap and matt can have sexy times
Dan: yeah but then u call it sexy time
Allison: ive seen the bathroom nicky
Nicky: that's aaron
Matt: l o l
Kevin: aaron's a neat freak
Allison: exposed
Nicky: erik come get me the people here are mean
Renee: So when's Neil's actual birthday?
Kevin: jan 19th
Nicky: who's gonna ask andrew?
Kevin: HE HAS REAL PAPERS NOW
Kevin: JUST GO CHECK AND LET ME BE IN CLASS IN PEACE
Allison: well okay drama queen
Dan: kevin: *is on the chat as much as us*
Dan: also kevin: guys why r u dragging me here
Matt: it's okay kevin we can talk about it during practice
Renee: Don't goad him, Matt
Dan: lmfao babe u thought
Matt: uh oh
Allison: lol
Dan: we need 2 trounce the ravens nxt wk
Nicky: do we have to
Dan: y'all r hauling ass @ practice or god help me
Nicky: id settle for a close victory
Matt: nicky if you don't help us close the goal next friday im telling neil about his surprise
Nicky: noooooo :'(
Allison: ye renee has enough to do without having to face stuff y'all should have blocked
Renee: Andrew is also a goalkeeper
Allison: yeah but he doesn't give a fuck
Renee: That's neither true nor fair
Dan: i want bragging rights over this vctry, end of the question
Matt: are we just gonna ignore the fact that the fbi chose neil's old bday
Matt: even tho they made him a new identity
Allison: wonder how this conversation went
Nicky: are we ignoring the fact that neil is a goddamn CAPRICORN
Allison: "in my left hand is your birthday date. In my right hand is your other birthday" *shuffles behind his back*
Matt: idk about astrology but I checked and he tried to pass for an aries so what does that tell us?
Dan: shut up adfhskdjs
Nicky: im dying
Kevin: [attached picture]
Matt: did u steal neil's ID
Allison: i thought you were in class
Kevin: he sent it to me
Nicky: his phone can take pics??
Dan: RLY crappy 1s but yeah
Nicky: so all those times andrew refused to send me pics of his Eden’s Twilight's outfits so i could coordinate neil's…
Matt: :/
Kevin: he just doesn't like you
Allison: i would have laughed but you two have been fighting the good fight since last year, dressing neil up
Nicky: hey
Renee: Kevin, that was mean
Nicky: but thanx allison, I think so too
Kevin: sorry
Kevin: he's just difficult?
Nicky: yeah :(
Dan: omg u guys rmr when neil was on k ferdinand's show n he looked like a bite-sized snack in that shirt
Kevin: not exactly what I remember from this interview
Dan: u were pretty 2 <3
Kevin: oh my god
Renee: Didn't Neil keep the clothes?
Nicky: i've never seen him wear them again
Nicky: maybe he STUFFED THEM DOWN THE TOILET
Matt: uh okay
Allison: weird emphasis
Kevin: are you still stuck on that
Dan: what
Kevin: it's what happened with the clothes he wore the first time we went to columbia
Nicky: do you know how expensive that plumber was?
Matt: just a thought but maybe that wouldn't have happened if you didn't force him to come with you and drugged him against his will
Allison: don't tell me someone actually peed on them and tried to flush
Nicky: take it up with andrew
Matt: you literally drove the car
Kevin: what happened in columbia stays in columbia
Allison: omg oh my god
Dan: IM SCREAMING
Nicky: what was i supposed to do, get knifed?
Nicky: also ^^^^ yeah.
Nicky: ANYWAY
Nicky: now that Kevin got us proof that the FBI officially made neil a capricorn again,,
Dan: the fbi be like "oh u thought u could escape ur traumatic past? That's nice buddy
Matt: yeah I don't think beating last year's party is gonna be hard
Dan: here's ur bday n trauma back"
Nicky: HAPPY THOUGHTS
Nicky: :(
Nicky: anyway it's the big 21st, so the first thing in order is BOOZE
Kevin: uh nicky
Renee: He's turning 20?
Matt: what???
Kevin: yeah he aged himself up on his fake papers
Matt: oh my god
Dan: lmfao only neil
Nicky: he is baby
Matt: does. Does he know though. Like did he check when they made him the papers.
Kevin: I'm guessing so
Matt: imagine filling a form or smth and you get the day right but not the year
Renee: Wait Kevin, how did you get neil to send you the pic without telling him about the surprise party?
Nicky: DON'T YOU DARE HAVE TOLD HIM ABOUT THE NJBB
Allison: njbb?
Dan: neil josten's bday bash, im guessing
Nicky: Neil Josten's
Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH
Nicky: yes
Allison: it doesn’t sound right
Allison: like, something’s missing in the name
Matt: alli we play a sport named after what you get when you take the s from sexy
Dan: 10 bux kevin wishes he didn't have such a stick up his butt so he could reply with exy is sexy
Allison: im not taking that
Kevin: i actually don't know why she named it that
Kevin: she never told the press and she didn't write it anywhere so
Nicky: :(
Allison: oh
Dan: sorry :(
Renee: Maybe coach knows?
Matt: maybe each letter has a meaning
Kevin: how?
Allison: endangering xylophones yearly?
Matt: EXceptional daY
Matt: and then, boom, it's about your name
Renee: Matt, I like that idea!
Dan: allison, no
Kevin: I'll have to ask coach, renee
Kevin: anyway it was always going to be her name, she invented it
Nicky: someone bring neil in so he can say something super serious about how kevin is a legendary striker whose name is already associated with exy and make us choke with emotion
Kevin: nicky….
Nicky: look it's working and he's not even there
Allison: it's the josten effect
Dan: changing your entire life's beliefs one extremely tragic remark at a time
Matt:...
Matt: someone change the subject im sad
Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH
Kevin: oh yeah nicky asked me how i got neil's ID
Allison: and?
Kevin: i told him i signed him up for his own exynews account so he could stop hogging mine for streaming
Kevin: so i needed his name and birthday
Kevin: and then we got into an argument about date formats
Nicky: dd/mm/yy 4ever
Allison: eww
Kevin: so he sent me a pic instead of writing the date
Dan: it's the european propaganda getting to him
Kevin: i guess i really have to get him an account now
Dan: kevin i know you're entirely serious but that's so funny
Nicky: THE REST OF THE WORLD USES IT
Matt: admit it, you can't wait to go back to Germany because you secretly like the metric system
Nicky: yeah dicks sound bigger if you use centimeters
Dan: didn't need 2 know that
Nicky: not that erik needs that :)
Dan: I DON'T WANNA KNOW
Renee: ….
Matt: honestly im glad i don't understand german or i would never live down all the skyping
Dan: renee's like "can't relate" lmfao
Renee: No indeed
Allison: hell yeah that's my girlfriend
Renee: <3
Allison: hey minyard if you're secretly lurking now is the time to leave
Allison: …
Renee: No, he truly muted us earlier
Dan: are we surprised?
Renee: we'll catch him up on what we decide to do later
Renee: Nicky?
Nicky: oh, yeah!!!
Nicky: BIRTHDAY BASH
Matt: here we go again
Dan: mamma mia
#aftg#tfc#all for the game#the foxhole court#this is crack#i'm aware of that#my writing#anyway i wrote this just after waking up don't hold me accountable for anything#dan's ridiculous spelling was fun to write#ALSO did tumblr get rid of line breakers on desktop because if so i'm about to fucking RIOT#you hear me tumblr??
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Disney Fever Rant
Let’s be honest with ourselves, the Family Friendly Disney©️™️ Corporation became nothing but another soulless, creatively bankrupt, money hungry business that has a board full of greedy — potentially and allegedly (don’t sue me Disney) potentially criminally so — directors who, according to Abigail Disney allegedly underpay their employees, and only put in any sort “effort” (READ: spending half of their film’s marketing budget buying up opening night seats to make sure that every single one of their films makes $1 Billion dollars because God forbid Disney have a single flop), believed they didn’t need to market Galaxy’s Edge because Chief Executive Asshole Bob “I know we’re having a bad quarter & our PR is in the shitter but imma take a book tour for my autobiography real quick” Iger thought it would market itself (this is the same Disney CEO Bob Iger, by the way, who keeps raising prices because he’s so confident in the brand created, built, and embedded permanently within previous decades of Americana due to the hard work and creative genius of Walt Disney that he believes he can peddle out absolute garbage without consequence. CEO of Disney Lil’ Bitch Bobbie “My salary is 1,000x Greater Than the Average Disney Employees Even Though My Decisions Are Causing a Cutback in Hours and Even Getting People Laid Off” Iger really got his head up his ass because he believes he can say shit insanely out of touch and greedy shit like “[I can’t imagine] a maximum price guests will pay for a ticket to [our] theme parks” and keep hiking up the prices until one day, big surprise, this foolish, smug turd charged too much or didn’t market enough or maybe, people are just not blinded by the now-defunct and decades-long neglected Disney Magic™️ because the man in charge is more focused on a single-minded and extremely concerning-to-artistic-integrity-and-the-very-concepts-of-free-speech-and-fair-trade-and-anti-monopolistic fair business practices of purchasing every potentially lucrative IP known to man in a move so anti-competitive that they were forced by the fucking U.S. Justice Department to sell off some of their news properties — oh, but it’s okay, guys! The extremely hardworking and under-appreciated employees of Disney World will finally be making a baseline amount of $15/hour, so at least those hardworking folks can have the chance of affording a shared apartment less than 40 minutes away from the park! And hey, at least we’ll inevitably get a Summer Blockbuster X-Men trilogy, which I’m sure won’t be a bland and extremely superficial set of films more concerned with entertaining a general audience than preserving the heart of X-Men and why it was created and what it continues to symbolize. Good Ol’ Bobbie Buy-ger’s “Hello, Fellow Children” Disney will absolutely not make a mockery of the integrity with which those contemporaneously radical set of complex and volatile cultural and sociopolitical issues of the 1960′s were addressed via the humanization of both the protagonistic X-Men, who were peaceful advocates for the (then-primarily racially coded) mutants’ integration and equality within a society that is terrified and disgusted by them, in contrast with the slowly developing and unexpected depth of character and humanization of the members of the Brotherhood of Mutants, who are constantly portrayed as an antagonistic but not wholly evil foil to the X-Men as a much more violent group of radicals with a more extreme and militant approach to gaining mutant’s rights (coded heavily at the time, of course, as the Black Panther Movement) which fought for an apartheid with a zealous “Mutant’s First” slogan, believing themselves superior to humans without the X-Gene. And because of the appropriately addressed and carefully handled themes, mutants occasionally even switched sides because after all, they were all fighting for mutant rights. Baring in mind the intricacies and mature themes of X-Men and the MCU’s masterfully sophisticated and tactfully manifold take on sexism which can be succinctly summarized as “WOMAN GOOD; MAN BAD” (which strikes me as particularly unusual narrative composition to frame the villain, who has assaulted a stranger and stolen his property because he gave her a cheesy pickup line that wasn’t particularly sexual or intimidating, as the hero of the story — clearly, if the Disney MCU is willing to create such an experimental piece of avant-garde cinema verité wherein the reality of a cruel, spiteful, and sadistic person is constantly thrust into the spotlight and incessantly touted as a heroic figure is put on display. None of this would have been possible, however, without a courageously flawless and unconventional choice to hire Brie Larson via the application of typage casting, allowing Boden and Fleck to shine a b l a c k m i r r o r , if you will allow me to be so edgy and bold as to use such a trite phrase in this post Netflix world, on our own flawed society, they will be capable of producing a mere three trivial films on something so relatively simplistic as translating the extremely volatile and divided zeitgeist of race relations in the height of the civil rights movement into a modern, appropriate, and respectful piece of representative fiction.
I’m sure Disney CEO Bob “Galaxy’s Edge Only Severely Underperformed Because People Were Worried There Would Be Too Many People There and This Has Nothing to Do With the Fact that I Thought My Dick Was Bigger Than It Actually Is and So I Thought I Could Get Away Without Marketing it Whatsoever Until Like 3 Months Before it Opened in Disneyland Because I Realized (but will never, ever admit) that I Fucked Up After they Low Crowds in Disney World and Over-Estimated the Current Value Of the Star Wars Brand After Green-Lighting A Film Wherein All the Original Characters Left Were Bastardized and Shat On So Now Everyone Who Wants to Watch TV Will Have A 35% Chance of Being Assaulted By Our Incessant Ads for this Bullshit Because I Bought a Bunch of Shit with No Creative Vision in Mind and Am So Incompetent and Think So Lowly of My Own Customer Base that I Signed Off on a Plan for This Park that Didn’t Include Most of the ‘Immersive Experience’ as Advertised Because I Truly Believe Most Consumers are So Stupid That They Will not Notice or Care that They’ve Paid ~$400-$500 per Person to Get Access to a Glorified Shopping Mall with Extremely Overpriced Toys that You Can’t Even Use within Park Grounds” Iger will make sure these concepts are addressed via internal, philosophical dilemmas such as “What level of respect do we owe to our oppressors?” and “How much humanity should we offer to those who don’t offer us the same courtesy in return?” that were written and drawn by a couple of Jewish WWII-Veterans who had fought violently on enemy soil for their right to live and be seen as human and were, twenty years later, observing an uprising against a disturbingly similar “Separate but Equal” system that was reminiscent of the insidious and dehumanizing relegation of German Jewish communities into ghettos implemented early during the Nazi regime. I’m just feeling so fucking positive about this Fox acquisition guys, because I’m just so sure somebody whose very goal is to buy up all his competition and suppress even the most constructive of criticism is truly concerned about honestly and properly representing a title with so many counter-cultural and anti-establishmentarian ideals that aren’t already commonly accepted in today’s political climate, right? At least we get the X-Men in the MCU, right gamers?!?!?!?!!!!!!
Regardless of how you feel about Disney, you can’t deny that the company’s board atm is entirely creatively bankrupt and out of touch. For god’s sake, they created a hyper-realistic CGI remake of The Lion King that perfectly represents the state of the Disney Corporation today: bland, boring, forgettable, and completely lacking in any sort of creative vision.
#i wrote this after being awake for 20 hours with a 100.1 degree fever#i have not edited it such that you too may enjoy its insane ramblings#lets be honest#bob iger is dead and i killed him#idk how to even tag this#marv*l#mcpoo#i actually dont hate the mcu#just disney#d*sney#bob i pooped my pants iger#bitch iger#fever rant#not art#not writing#sabr rants#sick sabr rants#the official roast of bob iger#unedited for your viewing pleasure/horror
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