top 5 reasons i believe i might be banned from someone's kitchen in the future:

i will water down the cheese

forgot i left rice on the heat once and it took me 7 minutes too long to remember it was still there

unsure of which spoon is for what (when is silicone okay ??)

almost died to garlic today

will get so into the groove that the food in front of me that i am staring at and stirring will burn and i will be none the wiser

impatient

WinterIronSpider//5

Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

sorry about this, really wanted to share SOMETHING with you, even if it’s not my best work.

Here on AO3. -

At the sound of Tony Stark’s rumbling voice, Peter’s stomach drops to somewhere around his socked-toes. All the terrible things that could have happened (not that he’d been imagining any of them, not when he saw Bucky’s pale eyes drop to his lips. All thoughts of morals had been beaten away by the butterfly wings that battered inside his stomach), all those terrible things that could befall any infidelious person and this is the worst of them. Getting caught. 

“Mr. Stark,” Peter gasps, stumbling back to put distance between himself and Bucky. Nothing to see here, nothing funny, just two acquaintances slow dancing with red, raw mouths. Yeah—Peter can’t imagine anyone being able to pull the wool over Tony Stark’s eyes, much less himself. Even if he had an excuse that wasn’t thin as he is, there’s no way his conscience could let him hide behind it. Aunt May hadn’t raised him to be that kind of man. Shoulders bowing, Peter says, “Please don’t be angry at Bucky. I came on to him, he—” 

“Is that true, Bucky?” Tony asks. “Did you make this sweet, sick boy do all the work?”

“Hell no,” Bucky mutters. “My ma raised me better than that. He didn’t have to lift a finger.” 

Had the pneumonia scrambled Peter’s brain? Maybe the medicine Dr. Banner gave him had strange (wonderful) hallucinogenic properties that hadn’t manifested until now. His eyes flicker back and forth between the easy banter of the couple, throat growing tighter and tighter.

“In that case, don’t mind me. Fly on the wall,” Tony says, leaning back into the doorway. In his three piece suit, he is the picture of a respectable businessman. The way his eyes burn as he traces up and down them is anything but respectful. His tongue traces his lower lip and Peter replays the sight in his head in ultra high-definition. “Pretend I’m not here. Picture me in my underwear, if you’d prefer—you know, that idiom doesn’t work when I’m not wearing underwear, but these goddamn worsted wool suits, you can see every line—” 

“What, you’re, you—I’m sorry Mr. Stark, but are you joking?” Peter wonders. A worse thought comes with no justification save for a long history of experiencing cruelty at other people’s hands: what if they’re trying to trick him? What into, Peter can’t be certain. What he is certain of is that no man like Tony Stark (no man in general) could possibly be okay with someone else kissing their lover. 

Tony’s face goes soft, a tender twisting of his mouth. Peter’s eyes drop. No, these aren’t the kinds of men who would trick or hurt him. Surely if he looks Tony in the eye, the man will see Peter’s cowardice, his betrayal of their characters. 

“Kid—I’m sorry. It was just a joke. In a way.” Tony lifts the needle on the record player and the music cuts away, leaving a heavy silence behind that no one is sure how to fill. After a stretch, Tony goes on: “Pizza for dinner? Are you hungry?”

Peter is always hungry. “Yes, but—Mr. Stark, maybe I should go.”

“You can’t even stay for dinner?”

“I—alright. No—I mean. I don’t know.”

Tony turns to Bucky. The tone he uses to speak to the other man is night and day from the tone he uses with Peter, his voice low and familiar. “Did you not explain anything to him? What have you been up to all day, buttercup?”

Bucky’s mouth curls up at the corner, a wry, guilty look that makes him look ten years younger. “Dancin’?”

-

Peter clears his plate twice, burning the roof of his mouth (though he hardly cares, the pizza is so good. From someplace in upper Manhattan, real gourmet stuff topped with portobello mushrooms and red peppers and black olives). Bucky is almost as ravenous, folding his pizza like a true New-Yorker. When he takes his metal fingers into his mouth to suck the grease off, Peter has to look away, stomach feeling hot in a way that has nothing to do with the peppers on the pizza. That mouth, those fingers, god. 

All throughout dinner, Tony’s dark eyes flicker back and forth like they are prime entertainment, looking a little heated under the collar himself when Bucky cleans his hands. He tells them a story about running into a professional Tony Stark impersonator in the pizza shop, until Peter nearly forgets that there’s a reason Mr. Stark should hate him. By the time nothing remains but empty, grease-sodden pizza boxes, Peter feels sleepy and full, lulled in the best way. 

“Two things, kid,” Tony says, using a napkin to wipe his mouth. “Small things. We’d like you to live here, and also Bucky would like to make out—“

“Nice opening,” Bucky huffs, eyebrows low and threatening. “Any other bombshells to drop on him? You his bio dad? Tell him that I killed JKF?”

“FRIDAY, scrub the last five minutes,” Tony snaps. 

Peter struggles to follow along. Tony began to lose him somewhere around live here and left him in the dust at Bucky would like to make out. Blinking hard, nothing changes, no world slipping sideways, no veil lifting to reveal everything as a hallucination. But surely this can’t be real life. Real life wouldn’t be nearly so strange. 

“I have no idea what’s going on,” Peter admits, fingers tapping his thighs in an anxious rhythm. “Did you say something about living here, Mr. Stark?” 

“Let’s start with Bucky first, actually,” Tony says, eyes glittering like he’s getting strange pleasure from seeing Peter so flustered. 

“Tony—” 

“No, no, you had your chance to talk to him during the 9-5. You’re officially off the clock. We’re all about not violating Fair Labor Standards Act.” Bucky’s face gives away nothing. His metal hand makes a sound as he clenches it into a tight fist and then tucks it into his lap, shrugging in a way that says less fine, whatever and more I, very begrudgingly and under extreme duress, relent. When Tony’s gaze turns back on Peter, he can’t help but stare down at his lap and the fraying knees of his pants. Aunt May always said the eyes are the window to the soul. “Kid, there’s no reason to apologize to me for kissing Bucky. We’re open. Do you understand what I mean?” 

Peter clears his throat, mouth dry. “You mean you’re in an open relationship?” 

“We don’t usually label it, but that’s acceptable terminology. We aren’t people who stifle our desires, how’s that? Sometimes Bucky’s with someone else, sometimes I’m with someone else, sometimes we’re both with someone else, but we’re always with each other. Bucky has my explicit approval to make moves on young, pneumonia-ridden college students, so long as they are willing.”

Imagining Tony and Bucky together is enough to make him want to squirm in his seat. Imagining them sharing someone between them makes him long to pant like a dog, anything to help abate the volcanic heat bubbling up inside him. One thing at a time, Pete, he thinks to himself. He’s good at giving himself pep talks. After all, for a long time there was no one else around to encourage him. “That makes sense, Mr. Stark. But what does that mean? Mr.—Bucky wants to, to...you know?”

“That is a question you can direct to the defendant. Mr. Bucky?”

Peter colors, looking at the long-haired man from beneath his dark eyelashes. 

“I want to kiss you any time you’re looking sad,” Bucky says, eyes on the hardwood of the table. “I want to make sure you don’t have anymore reasons to cry when you’re around me or not. I want to protect you. I want to kill your enemies—” 

“He’s a poet, isn’t he, regular Shakespeare—FRIDAY, let’s just scrub this whole conversation okay—” 

“I’m sorry,” Peter says, “But it’s Monday, Mr. Stark.” 

Tony smiles. It hints at a lot, not half of which Peter can decipher. He adjusts the blue-tinted glasses on his face. “Right. You’re right, Peter. Did Bucky answer your question?” 

Replaying it in his mind, Peter can feel himself flushing. His mouth tingles where an hour before, Bucky’s own had been pressed against it. If Bucky wants to kiss him every time he’s looking sad, then Peter won’t ever smile again. Not if he can help it. “Sort of. I guess I just don’t get why. You two have each other, and you’re both. Wow. You’re both really wow. I think if I—” Peter barely manages to stop before he says something hopelessly romantic and tragic, something like how he thinks if he had either of them, he’d never be sad again. “I just don’t understand why you’d be interested in anyone else.” 

“I don’t believe in soulmates,” Tony says. He walks to the bar in the corner and pours himself an amber-colored drink. “I believe in chemistry. That’s a renewable resource in my book, Pete, one that can be experienced between a multitude of people all at once. A gas stove has several burners, and just because you turn the gas up on one doesn’t mean you can’t ignite the others, does it?” 

“Not if it’s a good stove.” 

“Not if it’s a good stove,” Tony repeats, voice warm like the alcohol he sips at. He tips the glass towards Bucky. “Snowflake here believes that a person can have many soulmates. It’s all about the ones we choose to cultivate. Sometimes it’s that deep. And not to watch you flush, kid, but sometimes it’s just about the sex.” 

Peter works to keep his face neutral even if he can feel the heat of a blush crawling across his skin. Mr. Stark must think him a blushing virgin (and in some aspects, Peter is). Hopefully, he can’t tell that Peter’s flush is more arousal than embarrassment. 

“So which am I?” He asks, glancing nervously to Bucky. “Am I a cultivating thing or am I a sex thing?”

“You’re not a thing at all,” Bucky says. The murderous expression on his face doesn’t agree with his words. “You’re a human being. But it’s more than just sex. Sex doesn’t need to be included at all. See—I told Tony this morning that we were going to move too fast. We shouldn’t even be mentioning sex until after the third date—“

“Incredible. Do you hear that, kid? He didn’t take me on a date until after the sixth or seventh tryst in the lab. You’re something special.” Tony’s waggling eyebrows belie any jealousy or bitterness Peter might have imagined. 

Still. Peter can’t help but feel...special. Not in a million years would he have imagined someone as handsome as Bucky Barnes being interested in him, not romantically, not sexually, not any way at all. He feels more than a little like he’s stepped into the Twilight Zone. Surely any moment Rod Sterling will appear leaning against the bar talking to some invisible camera.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Peter says, wringing his hands in his lap. He smiles at Bucky with shaking lips, watching the furrowed brow smooth. “I don’t expect anything at all. This is like, not expected. At all. Way out of left field. I still don’t understand…”

“Which part?” Tony asks. He puts a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, thumb soothing the skin just above the collar of the man’s shirt, and Peter feels it all over. 

“The me part,” Peter admits. “You could have anybody. Why me? Not to sound like, like I’m fishing for compliments or anything but I’m not the sort of guy people are attracted to.” But. Bad thoughts come rolling in like thunderheads, always clinging to the edges of his mind eager to blot out any sun that might appear, because there’s one thing Peter knows he’s good at. One thing people are attracted to. 

Mr. Rumlow tells him so. 

Peter shivers despite the warmth of the room, pizza sitting like a heavy stone in his gut. God, why had he told Bucky and Mr. Stark about the arrangement between himself and the super of his apartment complex? Their reactions were fuzzy in his mind, the effects of the medicine he’d taken turning everything mottled and loose at the edges, but Peter knows how it sounds. He knows what he would think, if it had been another student sucking Mr. Rumlow’s dick anytime he knocks just to keep from having to pay rent. 

It’s not as bad as it sounds, though. Mr. Rumlow (“Call me Brock, I think you’ve more than earned it, Pete”) is attractive enough. He’s not really rough, not large enough to leave Peter’s throat sore the way a bigger cock might (Peter has read on the internet that that’s Possible). He likes to say foul things while Peter’s on his knees, things he knows that are just said during sex, like how Peter is so dirty, such a slut for his cock. But more often than not, Peter just drowns that out. 

Why he feels so pathetic thinking about it, he isn’t sure. 

“Kid.”

Peter looks up and sees the blurry form of Tony, the taller form of Bucky crouched down beside his seat. Eyes stinging, he reaches up to palm at them. His hands come away damp, vision clear, but now he can see the worry on Tony’s face, the intense stare Bucky has fixed him with, and that makes it so much worse. People caring rubs a tender part of him raw and it hurts. 

“I’m not doing such a good job keeping you from crying,” Bucky mutters, handing Peter a cloth plucked from beneath the bar to wipe his face with. 

Peter laughs wetly. “Can’t kiss all my sadness away.” 

“Can sure as hell try,” Bucky says. His metal hand cups Peter’s chin with contradicting tenderness, cooler than skin. His eyes flutter closed on instinct, opening only when the older man pauses close enough that Peter can feel his warm breath against his face. Those eyes, the entire expression—it makes Peter feel like Bucky could swallow him whole. And Peter might like it. “Tell me if you want it.” 

“I want it,” Peter breathes. 

Bucky kisses him. The sound that slips past Peter’s lips is downright disgraceful, a needy desperate little thing that Bucky swallows, his metal thumb coming up to coax Peter’s jaw open. Peter’s only prior kiss was a girl in highschool, and it was nothing like this. That had been an anxious, quick thing, more time spent worrying about his breath and where to put his hands and how to turn his head so their noses wouldn’t touch than time spent actually kissing. This is a submersive experience. Nothing but Bucky exists, Bucky and his tender hand, the tongue that teases, the mouth that sucks when Peter is brave enough to go exploring with his own. 

Eyes opening a fraction, his heart jerks in his chest because—

Tony. 

Tony stands having taken a few steps back, watching them with wide, wondrous eyes. His throat bobs as he swallows, Peter’s eyes tracking the movement. Why, Peter wonders, does the sight of Mr. Stark watching them make every last drop of blood in his body turn tail and head south? He can’t help but groan, letting his heavy lids fall shut again, neck going lax while Bucky kisses him deep and slow and filthy. 

Maybe they kiss for a minute or ten. Long enough for Peter’s tears to dry, for his cock to ache, for his lips to feel raw and swollen. When they part, Bucky’s eyes seem to burn, the thinnest sliver of silver corona around the aroused pupil—and then they flicker over Peter’s shoulder. Peter turns to see that Tony is lounging against the bar, face buried in his phone. He glances up at their movement and gives them a smile that is small but real and warm. 

“Coming up for air?” Tony asks. He slips his phone into his pocket. “Before you have Peter as desert on the dining room table, there is one more important item to discuss.” 

Peter’s head swims drunkenly. Fingers tighten at the nape of his neck where they are buried in his curls. They release in an instant—just an anxious reflex—but Peter’s eyes flutter anyway. How long has it been since he was touched? Mr. Rumlow. Before that? MJ and Ned, when they’d visited him over their semester break last year. Sometimes his skin downright itched, he was so desperate for someone to hug him, to put their hand on his shoulder. His heart would burst at the sound of Rumlow knocking on his door, just to feel human contact, just to feel wanted.

Shaking his head, Peter struggles to clear it. “Sorry Mr. Stark. What, what else is there?” 

“The matter of your destitution,” Tony says, taking his seat at the table again. His glass is full now, though Peter never heard him pour it. “Delicately put—you lack resources. I have an abundance of them. I’d like us to come to some sort of arrangement. Preferably one that doesn’t make me feel seedy, but even more importantly!—one that doesn’t make you feel trapped.” 

Peter blinks. “Trapped?” 

Tony clears his throat. His hands can’t seem to still, fiddling with the tumbler glass, adjusting where it rests on the napkin. Nervous ticks?, Peter wonders. What could a brilliant, powerful man like Tony Stark have to be worried about? “I wanted to invite you to move in to our penthouse; there’s plenty of room. But my better half over there told me that you might feel obliged to say yes even if you didn’t really want to. Or that saying yes might make it difficult for you to maintain your independence.” 

“You want me to live with you?” Peter can hear how his voice grows high towards the end. Even to his own ears, it sounds like hysteria. Maybe most of it is shock, but there’s a part of it (a frighteningly large part) that is...excited. This is young Peter’s dream, his idol asking him to live with him. Kid fantasies. Nothing that should ever be possible.

At his shrill voice, Tony winces. “Here’s what we want: your security ensured and your health maintained. Whatever it takes to see those things come to fruition. Our one request is that you don’t go back to Lafayette Hall. There are people there who would, who are taking advantage of you, kid. As it is, I have it under good authority that Lafayette Hall will be experiencing a change of management soon, but until it does, it would be a real comfort to Bucky and I to know that you aren’t vulnerable.” 

His face burns. It takes effort to swallow past the knot in his throat. “If I didn’t go back there, where else would I go?” 

“You’ve got options,” Bucky says, voice a warm, comforting timber from beside him. 

“One,” Tony says, holding up a finger. “I can set you up in a nice apartment close to campus. All amenities taken care of. I know the supers, very hands off kinds of people. Two, I could set you up on a different floor in the Tower here. I have several that used to belong to the Avengers, but they come and go so sporadically now that there’s no sense in giving them their own permanent space. You’d be free to come and go from the Tower the way you would any apartment. It would be as much your home as ours.” 

“Or I could stay here with you?” Peter asks. 

“I’m prepared to have provide any legal requisite that would make you feel comfortable, so that you would know there’s no obligation to Bucky or to myself. I have lawyers at the Tower six days a week; they’d be more than glad to do paperwork that prevents me from potentially causing a legal scandal. For once.” 

“Mr. Stark, this is, that—it’s all more than generous. Not to sound like a broken record, I just don’t understand why,” Peter says. “Why me? Why would you spend so much money on me, if you aren’t getting anything in return?” 

If there’s one thing Peter has learned in life, it’s that no kindness is unconditional. Yet here Tony is trying to convince him of that very thing, that Peter can have his cake and eat it too, that there are no strings attached to this gift. Just a big, beautiful bow. 

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” says Tony. It’s too difficult to look away from his heated gaze. And Peter doesn’t want to. “ You’re intelligent, hardworking, kind. I was barely two of those things when I was your age, and I’ll let you decide which. I want to see you thrive kid, and if that means investing some—not even a fraction—of my resources, then it will be more than worth it. If nothing else, feel free to consider me a lecherous rich bastard who will sleep easier at night knowing he’s doing his civic duty.

“So what do you say, Pete? No need to break it to me gently, though there will be a mandatory period of forty-eight hours of sulking should you say no, just a warning, but don’t—” 

“Yes. Yes, absolutely,” Peter says, tucking his fingers beneath his thighs to keep from doing something embarrassing like clapping or throwing his arms around the man. He should say no. May never liked the idea of handouts. She was a proud woman who worked until she couldn’t stand anymore and had instilled in him the same work ethic. Would she be disappointed in him for taking this easy way out, for accepting generosity without giving Mr. Stark anything in return? 

If Peter lets himself wonder questions like that, then he’d never stop. 

“Yes? Yes? That was easy.”

“Tony’s used to people telling him no,” Bucky says slyly. 

“As they should,” says Tony, leaning back in his chair. It’s not hard to imagine that the smile on the older man’s face might be thanks to Peter, but it’s certainly hard enough to believe. “I was convinced I might have to beg you to take my money, kid. I’ve been turned down a few times in the name of pride.” 

Peter smiles, lips pressed together tight so that he doesn’t have to say anything like, Don’t worry Mr. Stark, I have no pride.

“You could have Sam’s floor, it’s right below this one, and he spends most of his time in DC anyway,” Bucky suggests. The man looks about as happy as Peter’s seen him. Something about his serious face isn’t made for smiling, the low brows and narrowed eyes and downturned lips, but his brow is smooth and the corners of his lips quirk upwards. 

“Oh, not here? Up here, I mean. With you two?” Peter cringes even as the words slip out. Of course they wouldn’t want him up here in their space, not when there were better options so close by. Still, an entire slideshow had played inside his brain of all the domestic activities they could get up to together: watching movies on the couch at night after Mr. Stark came home from work, cooking breakfast in the morning with Bucky at the stove. He should just be grateful, though. Grateful he’ll be in a place with food and heat and running water that doesn’t taste like iron and rust.

“Up here?” Tony asks. He claps his hands. “All the better. My lawyers will be here first thing in the morning to draw up a makeshift lease of sorts—anything to let you know that your security isn’t contingent on any relationship with us. But if you leave crumbs on my carpet, kid, I’ll throw you to the wolves I swear to—kidding! Jesus, Buck, don’t slap me with the metal hand.” 

“I can walk home tomorrow and grab my stuff,” Peter says, mind far away in the tiny apartment. All he’ll need is to fill his backpack with the few clothing items that he hasn’t worn to death, the picture of Ned and MJ, May and Ben’s and his parents’ wedding rings, his school books. He could pack up his entire life into one bag, which is both a little sad and a godsend. Peter hates moving.

“Take one of my cars; I have plenty of them.” Tony stands from the table and holds out a hand. When Peter takes it, it’s warm and calloused. They shake, but it isn’t enough, no amount of gratitude can be poured from palm to palm. Peter rounds the table and wraps his arms around the man’s waist, smelling cologne and sharp alcohol, feeling Tony arms carefully come down around him. When the man speaks, it rumbles through Peter’s own body. “Lovely doing business with you, Mr. Parker. Saturday is for chores and Sunday is funday.” 

“I’m really good at doing dishes,” Peter grins. 

“That’s what the dishwasher is for, kid. Unless you’re Bucky who likes to do them by hand.” They pull away and Tony smiles down at him, and Peter thinks that maybe things are actually getting better. Maybe all those prayers he made finally reached up through the clouds and were heard and answered. Maybe he’s suffered enough, and the universe is finally giving him some good karma. “You know,” Tony says. He winks at Bucky. “I think this business deal could absolutely be sealed by a kiss—” 

“Tony,” Bucky sighs. 

“Good idea,” Peter says brightly. He shifts up onto his toes, letting his eyes fall shut as he presses a chaste kiss to Tony’s mouth—

What he wasn’t expecting was for Mr. Stark to pull away the way he does, to turn his head so that the kiss falls on his whiskered cheek. When Peter blinks up at him, he can’t understand the shocked, no, the horrified expression on the older man’s face. 

“Kid—I meant you and Bucky,” Tony says. “This thing—between you two? I’m not included.” 

Alex ze Pirate Mini Review 2: Underappreciated and how Sam should deal with an abuser.

Last time I gave a general overview of how Sam is treated by his “friends”. Now I want to give a more specific example, that will also show how Dobson’s storytelling abilities are not really all that good, particularly when it comes to pacing or building up any sort of conflict.

You see, for the most part Alex ze Pirate is just a collection of stupid artwork (not even concept art, just random artwork Dobson makes of his characters dressed as something random) and one page strips with a stupid punchline, with Sam most of the time being the receiving punching bag.

There have however been a few individual, short stories over time. And when I say short stories, I mean short. As in 15 pages for a very cheap set up, a few jokes and a punchline. Those include stories such as All that Glitters (where everyone except Alex breaks into a fortress to steal something), The Wish Fish (the only halfway okay story of them all because it is just meant to be comedic) and Best Laid Plans. However, near the end of the initial run of AzP, Dobson did a three part story (partly) focused on Sam in that format, which started off with the chapter I want to talk in this post: “Underappreciated”.

As you can see, the chapter starts off following some basic rules of storytelling in comics. Two establishing panels for the location at which the story takes place initially and showing what Sam’s duties are. Nothing really bad yet. The only thing that sticks out being just the fact that a) Sam does not have his own bedroom and has to sleep in a useless outlook and b) he sleeps in his regular clothes. But hey, nothing to get upset about initially, perhaps he just prefers it like this at the moment. But with the next two pages…

The problems start to show. Page three establishing that Atea herself is just a cunt who can’t even have the basic decency of wishing her “friend” a good morning or giving him a thank you for bringing a morning beverage as she has other selfish priorities on her mind. Like wanting to lick the shower water of Alex’s skin.

Also, go fuck yourself Uncle Peggy. As in, get both your arms ripped off, shoved up your butthole with those hooks and then get hanged on those stomps like a chandelier. I wouldn’t even mind the fact here that Peggy left a mess, if the face he makes in the last panel was not obvious of the fact he left the bathroom like this on purpose and that he is rather happy of making Sam’s day extra miserable by the fecal matter he left behind. Combined with any previous strip of the comic showing that Peggy for no reason likes to get the boy in trouble and even wants to see him die, this just shows once more of how much of an asshole he is. If the last panel just showed him with a groogy hangover look, obviously unaware of how much discomfort he brings unintentionally to Sam, that would be one thing. But intentionally making Sam’s day miserable despite the obvious fact the boy is the first one to do anything around here, while making one of the worst drawn “HAHA, I am such a rascal faces” I have ever seen (and I have seen shitty anime en mass) makes me hate the character more than Dobson intented.

And then there is page 5…

And it is in my opinion the saddest page in the entire comic arc, even compared to the “heartbreaking” stuff Dobson wants to pull up in the last third of it. Because though it is meant as a joke, the general execution is too cruel, crossing into “dude, not funny” territory and showing just how little the crew cares for Sam. Talus, Sam’s “best friend” not even aware he is around, everyone stealing Sam’s food with that stupid “Yoink” sound (seriously, I wish the characters would get punched in the vaginas each time they make this sound in any of Dobson’s strips) and then leaving Sam behind with smug faces, ready to do whatever they want to do, while he, likely stinking of feces and not even having showered properly, has also to clean up after those pigs, who can’t even eat in a proper manner ( hey Atea, use a fork instead of holding the bowl) and silently. I mean, they are pretty much pigs when the noises they make are loud enough, they make the font of the writing change randomly into whatever Dobson has on his computer with every sound. Not to forget the mess they leave behind. And they call Sam the Slob?

Anyway, on to the next page…

And who the heck left their Hello Kitty toy in the bathtub? Also, I hate the way Alex’s face is drawn in the lower left corner. Something about the eyes in relation to the shit eating grin just looks off. Less “smug” and gleefully awaiting whatever she plans next and looking more like Dobson when someone tells him his opinion and reasoning for it is bad, but he can’t yell back at them because they are part of a minority and so he has make a “good face” to a bad situation, while internally he is already imagining how to strawman them in some fake news worthy facebook post.

And then we get to page 7. Which features the WORST addition to the “Alex ze Pirate” canon Dobson has ever thought up. An embodiment of what is wrong with Dobson when it comes to inserting internet culture related stuff into his own work. Ladies and gentlemen… the lolcat pirates

Yeah, those Hello Kitty rejects who ironically look still more like a proper cat than Spot in Danny and Spot, are essentially one of the worst jokes Dobson has ever created. Because they are a joke without a punchline. See, all there is to them is that they are sentient cats, that speak in a manner associated with lolcat posting. And that is the “joke”. Their speech pattern being based on a dumb internet meme that was popular at the time Dobson drew this page. It is like if you portray an Asian by making them talk with a shitty racist accent and that supposedly counts already as comedy. It is not funny, because there is nothing really done with it in context of the story. Like no one addresses the weird way they talk. Also, with the font Dobson uses, it is just an eyesore to any reader and the text gets aggravating the more the captain of the cats talks. It shows why lolcat pictures only had very short sentences accompanying the pics, cause reading more than 8 words written in this manner tingles a part of your brain that makes you want to shout “English motherfucker, do you speak it”?

Don’t get me even started on how the joke would get lost to anyone unaware of lolcats and how dated the joke already was back when the page was posted, which is one of many reasons why comic artists should just in general avoid memes in their work, if they hope for it to pass the test of time. Instead let me just point out the fact that though Alex said “All hands prepared for casting off” on the previous page (which is also a very unnatural way to give the order “Everyone get ready! Take off in 10 minutes”) not all hands are on board, seeing how Uncle Peggy is missing on this page (and spoilers) many pages of this afterwards. Weird. I thought he would be onboard the moment Alex mentioned they are going to hijack a ship full of pussy. Lastly, this is Alex being a “badass”? Taking over a ship full of little furballs you can defeat with a laserpointer, a squeaky toy and catnip? Sam, this is not just “almost” embarrassingly easy, this is literally on a level similar to stealing candy from a baby. That is mentally handicapped. And without supervision. In a candy story.

At least it turns out there is genuinely something worth stealing on this ship. Otherwise all Alex would have accomplished on that very day would have been animal abuse for the sake of entertainment. Though now it also gets me thinking: A place called Katsville, the revelation that the captain is supposedly the child of a high ranking military feline within the sea force of an entire species of sentient cats… how exactly does the world of Alex ze Pirate function? Look, I do not want to get into too much detail about this point here yet, because it is a bigger issue with the worldbuilding (or rather lack thereof) of this series in general, but what is the “consistency” when it comes to races and species in this world? See, One Piece for example is overall a very “cartoonish” and fantastic world (more cartoonish than what Dobson creates on average) when you think of the fact there are fish men, giant seacows and seamonsters, sentient furry creatures, islands in the sky, sentient weather phenomenons etc next to humans. And while Oda does not really spend time elaborating in very high detail how his world works, the sheer abundance of those elements and how they were established pretty early on in the story and are revisited constanly, with the cartoonish flavor and humor of One Piece on top of it, makes those oddities feel organic and a part of the world.

Not so much in AzP. Here over 90% of the time any character not related to the crew is some generically drawn human, in a very generically human setting with jokes just not cartoonish enough. So the world of AzP feels more “realistic” and less oddish, making then things like Talus, the lolcat pirates and once a giant sea dragon that looked like Elliot’s rejected cousin

Stand out like a sour thumb that looks like this

But I digress. Lets see what makes Sam, who just seems bored and wants to end his miserable life/drink his sorrows away, throw the cat captain against the wall.

Okay. Sam’s overall reaction makes it clear, the locket is important. So “kudos” for establishing this and in doing so also create within a moment a bit of intrigue for the reader. After all, why does this locket get such a reaction out of Sam, who we know so far as more happy go lucky or deadpan in parts, instead of looking genuinely distraught. Heck, the fact he even tells Alex to shut up when she commands him around should highlight how out of character finding this locket truly makes Sam.

Then there is Alex’s reaction to being told to shut up, which she takes with as much dignity as someone telling Dobson to just stop fawning about underaged lesbians in a toddler show.

Jesus Christ, she faces being told she looks like a guy with more grace than that. I mean, isn’t she used to being told to shut her trap? Cause if I were her parents, I would have told this entitled redheaded whinner a few times over the course of her childhood to shut up.

Scum sucking cabin boy… said by a butt ugly whore who would genuinely suck scum off if it means she can finally get laid instead of being mistaken for a man. By the way, with that angry face she makes in the first panel, I can totally see why others would mistake her for a dude. She just looks unpleasant and not in a funny way like that red panda girl from Aggretsuko. See, when she gets angry, it looks hilarious and cute because of the contrast to how the character looks ordinarily. This is just Alex looking even more unpleasant as usual.

Now, before I continue with the next pages, I like to point out the face Sam makes in the upper panel and Sam’s overall body language in the last one.

It is obvious that Sam is meant to be in a state of mind where he knows for what he is getting yelled at and where he genuinely reacts in a hurt manner. His body shaking, his head tilted down, not saying even a word. You would expect that the next page of this comic would be a follow up. Seeing Sam, who is pent up, lashing out in some way. Either for example by justifying why he said it, getting sad, angry, perhaps even violent in that situation. After all, so far the way this story has been structured, a lot of emphasize was put on the fact that Sam is treated not well and that finding this locket actually has an uncommon effect on him. Heck, even the title of this chapter hints on the idea, that we should get some sort of huge reaction out of Sam now on the next page, as this is supposed to be Sam’s story.

Instead it is just Alex grumbling and grinding her teeth, unable to comprehend that someone finally told her something every reader with more than 20 braincells said when reading this comic series. And this in my opinion is from a structural point, one of the biggest missteps in this story. Obviously, this is supposed to be a comic about Sam, based on title and him being the one character in it with the most emotional aspects so far. And it is also obvious that this is not just meant to be a silly gag comic but supposedly one with emotional weight. So, where is that weight so far, aside from the panels showing Sam being miserable because he gets the short end of the stick by his friends? Sorry to hijack this thing here now with my own ideas, but if I had writen this story, page 12 and 13 would have actually been an immense turning point for me in the dynamic so far. Why I would have let Alex shout at Sam for insubordination, I would have made it more than one panel of Alex calling him scum and also end likely with Sam, who obviously reaches a limit the longer she goes on about it, end punching her in the face, perhaps even knock out. Show truly just how far Sam is pushed emotionally at this moment, keeping it however ambiguous if he hit her because of her words hurting or because of something else, in doing so focusing also the attention to the reader back on the locket.

As an aftermath of this, Alex would (if not knocked out) hit Sam back, much to Atea’s and Talus horror, later implying additionally that Sam left because of being hit by whom he thinks is not just his captain but a “friend” (oh yes spoiler, Sam is gone in the next chapter)   or the next page would be of Alex waking up back in her hideout from having been knocked out. Atea and Talus informing her what happened, her deciding to deal with Sam later on after recovering (who accompanied everyone back on the island temporarily) only for the last page showing Sam deciding that he is leaving the island, ending the chapter on Sam in a small boat slowly drifting away from the island. You know, something to give the chapter the feeling that the “shut up” moment is an emotional turning point in this story and that there might be something bigger going on that resulted in Sam deciding to leave, without having him however go full Meg Griffin as in the Family Guy episode “Seashell Seahorse Party”, chewing Alex and the others out for the way they treat him. Cause honestly, as much as I like for Alex, Atea and Talus to be chewed out and face consequences for their actions, doing so would likely just be (like in that Family guy episode)  a pointless fillerbuster in the bigger picture of things, as no real consequences would come out of it.

Well that and just like the writers of Family Guy, Dobson is just equally loathsome and thinks he can write whatever sick joke he wants and can on his characters, basic decency or consistency in writing be damned.

But back to the comic, where things just “end” as shown here instead of any real emotions boiling up and a cliffhanger that may genuinely beg the question what is going to happen next to anyone involved in this thing.

 Cause really, by the time it is night and Sam says it is time to go, you are not surprised he wants to go, even if he did not have a genuine emotional outburst within this chapter. After all, who wants to stay with “friends” like this, with Talus and Atea not even trying to cheer him up and instead ignoring his obvious need for comfort in this uncomfortable way, as if they are a bunch of racists trying to look away as someone beats a black person in front of them into a pulp. The only question you may ask yourself by the time the last page is hit, is who that generic looking girl is, whose picture has been photoshopped into the locket.

 Something we may not find out by the time the next chapter and part of this review hits, but will get to eventually. Until then guys, in order to end on something happier, funnier and just genuinely more pleasant than what this story presented to us so far, have something silly and Super Sentai related here for the sake of childish entertainment.

TAYLOR SWIFT: 30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

ONE: I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

TWO: Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

THREE: Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching. 

FOUR: I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

FIVE: Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

SIX: I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

SEVEN: My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

EIGHT: I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

NINE: I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

TEN: I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

ELEVEN: Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

TWELVE: Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

THIRTEEN: It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

FOURTEEN: When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

FIFTEEN: Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

SIXTEEN: Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey. 

SEVENTEEN: After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

EIGHTEEN: Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

NINETEEN: Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

TWENTY: Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

TWENTY-ONE: Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

TWENTY-TWO: How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

TWENTY-THREE: I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

TWENTY-FOUR: I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

TWENTY-FIVE: I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

TWENTY-SIX: I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

TWENTY-SEVEN: I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

TWENTY-EIGHT: I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

TWENTY-NINE: I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

THIRTY: My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

— 1-800-SEO'𝗌 ᪥ '𝖲𝗈𝗅𝗈 𝖲𝗍𝖺𝗀𝖾' — \ 1 | 2 /

— 𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀: 𝗃𝗎𝗇𝗀𝗄𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗑 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋

— 𝗀𝖾𝗇𝗋𝖾: 𝖿𝗅𝗎𝖿𝖿 𝗍𝗈𝗐𝗇, 𝗀𝗋𝗎𝗇𝗀𝖾!𝖺𝗎, 𝗌𝗈𝗅𝗈 𝖼𝖺𝗋𝖾𝖾𝗋!𝖺𝗎, 90'𝗌,

— 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽𝗌: 2569

— 𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒: 𝖨𝗍'𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 90'𝗌 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖩𝗎𝗇𝗀𝗄𝗈𝗈𝗄 𝗂𝗌 𝗍𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝗈𝗍𝗍𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝗋𝗂𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗀𝗋𝗎𝗇𝗀𝖾 𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗋 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 𝗍𝗂𝖼𝗄𝖾𝗍𝗌 𝗍𝗈 𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗇𝖾𝗐 𝗌𝗁𝗈𝗐

Your fingers stick together as you apply some facial glitter to your cheek bones. “Yo, I think this face glitter is off, y’know” you say to your best friend Taehyung who is on the other side of the room, staring into the mirror, attempting to smoke out his eyeliner.

“Didn’t you get it off Kami? It was probably bought like a decade ago, and it’s only just resurfaced from her neon coloured makeup collection. ‘83 through ‘87 were wild, can’t believe people used to wear all that colourful crap.” He said, trying his best not to smudge his handy work, his face showing amusement.

“Ok, mister punk rocker, don’t go all cynical on me. You forget that I still have your baby pics with you and all your neon sportswear on, thinking you look so fly. Oh, and and don’t let me forget about your bright pink sweatbands! They were abominable.” You break out into laughter remembering all of his cute little baby jump suits. He looked like he was going skiing because they were all so padded.

“Oh eat my shorts, you know I’m a changed man now, grunge has taken ahold and I am never going back to” he dramatically shivers “bright colours. Never again.” He feigns a retch and turns back to the mirror to adjust his hair.

You were both in your bedroom, getting ready for hopefully the best concert of your life. You were going to see one of the best vocalists of the generation, in your opinion. Jeon Jungkook, also known as Jeon JK, is a tall, dark haired, leather clad, heartthrob that had weaselled his way into your heart, and pretty much held it tight. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to do him. Amongst having a rocking bod, he also is an amazing song writer, total cutie/dork, and most likely a general nice dude with a good personality. What wasn’t their to like?

So this is how you found yourself, and your best friend Taehyung, in your most grungy outfits you could make under a budget and about to go to a hopefully life changing concert.

Tae turned around from the mirror, “Tada! Do I look okay?” His eyes were gently smudged with not over the top eyeliner and his hair was slightly tousled. It had begun to grow over his eyes so he kept on sweeping the dark locks behind his ears. It matched well with his slightly too large black overalls and light grey tshirt. Over the tshirt he wore a checkered short sleeve shirt with black thick piping on the edge, a detail he’d added himself. All in all he looked like a grunge dream, he’d totally mastered the look.

Unlike your self ripped denim, stolen-from-Tae pearl jam shirt, and leather jacket, you didn’t really look very appealing in your own head but you figured it that was the best you could do so you’d just have to rock it.

“You look ravishing, my dude. King Kurt would say you look bangin’ and that’s honestly all you ever need in life, right?” You laugh at your own joke but it’s less awkward because Tae joins in too.

“Thank you! Right, come on Joan Jett 2.0 shall we hit the road? We don’t want to miss the opening act, do we?” He pulled on his doc martens and soon you were off.

☆:.｡.🥀.｡.:☆

As soon as you saw his face you had to pinch yourself. He looked so good it had to be surreal, it had to be a dream. His boyish long curly hair fell into his dark eyes, his cuffed baggy T-shirt, his ripped jeans, the sweat dripping down his neck, he was a heavenly vision. He looked like some type of Greek god among mortals. His smooth voice crooning out rich and melodiously. It was dulcet and velvety, yet full and powerful too. This man was, quite simply, enchanting.

You break out of the spell this magical pied piper put you under and lock eyes with Taehyung. He’s singing along to the words, eyes wide and full of awe. He’s putting his height to his advantage, he can see much better than you. “Oh so kind Tae Tae?” You shout over the guitars and drums blasting ahead of you. “Yeah?” “Can I please sit on your shoulders?” You say as cutely as possible whilst shouting over a live band. “I don’t know, we might block others view though.” He says eyes still locked on the brown haired boy ahead.

“Never mind them, I can’t see, I’m short!” You put your hand to your forehead and pull it upwards to make the point. “Fine...but you owe me big time.” He says rolling his eyes but a smile on his lips.

He pulls you up just as Jungkook throws his head back to the beat of the song. Damn, that was hot. A wave of heat flows up your body and you feel your blood run straight to your cheeks.

Thank goodness you got on Tae’s shoulders; you can see so much easier now, you can see well over everyone else, the slight swaying of Taehyung balancing himself is a small price to pay for getting to see the one and only specimen ahead.

Suddenly the song shifts, the guitars and drums crescendo and JK’s voice goes from velvety smooth, to something alike ice. Laced with something that can only grab your attention, sharp yet still smooth at the same time. The music was unfamiliar, the drummer begun a solo and JK swayed his hips. Then the drummer stopped and the guitarist started the opening chords to their latest single... so that’s why the sudden shift, it’s a mashup.

“That’s so cool!” You shout to Tae and then scream to show your approval.

Swiftly, the crowd surges forward and because of this so does Taehyung. You try your best to hold on to his shoulders, you’re approaching the barrier, much closer than earlier. All of a sudden Tae jerks forward, having reached the barrier and no more room to go, his body lurches and along with him, you. You tumble over the railings, legs hitting the metal as you go head first.

Head aching with pain and dust on your hands, you look up. You find yourself in the “no man’s land”, the small space between the barriers and fans, and the stage and the artist. You hold your head as you cautiously stand up and a familiar face turns in surprise. He spots you and perfectly ends his note as he powerfully walks over. Luckily it’s the instrumental outro so it doesn’t seem to alert anyone things are wrong; he crouches down to you, the stage separates you both but he makes the gap smaller.

“You ok, doll? That looked like quite a tumble you had there.” He soothed as he gently placed his hand over yours, resting it on where you bumped yourself. He stroked your cheek softly, consoling you. “I’m ok, I think, just a little dizzy.” Shooting pains were stinging your temple but like hell were you gonna show your true pain. “Let me help you.” He takes your hand in his and plants a gentle kiss on your forehead. “All better?” He asked.

“I think so. Although my elbows kinda hurt from the impact.” Your brain registers you’re actually holding hands with THE Jeon Jungkook and you feel your heart just about burst from your chest.

“I’m a tad concerned you may have a concussion darling, so I’ll take you back stage in a hot minute and I’ll get you some help. Just hold on here for me.” His dark eyes had a gentle expression, something new than what he usually has on stage. They sometimes look almost feral; like he’s going to jump someone’s bones. Not that you mind, however this was new and made your heart beat just the same, especially because you were the one who made him look so soft and fond.

The tall fellow rose and strode over to the centre stage. He languidly grasped the mic stand and began to sway to the rhythm. The guitars and drums began to fade out and the middle of the stage slowly started descending until his tousled hair was out of sight. You now realised this was the beginning of a ‘halftime’ break.

Soon enough Jungkook came running round the side of the stage and he bent down to where you were sat.

“Right, let’s get you sorted doll.” He grabbed both hands in his and gently and hesitantly helped you stand up. Once you were stood he put his arm around your waist and wrapped yours around his.

No way were you so close to your giant crush, never mind in an intimate embrace. Your brain struggled to process the whole thing and tried it’s best to act normal. Your brain was short circuiting and your heart pounding away; if you don’t die of a concussion, you’ll certainly die of a heart attack.

He quickly and fluidly moved you to the back stage area, escaping the roar and hungry eyes of the fans.

Once you were sat down on a plastic chair and he left to alert the medical staff, you began to shiver. Mainly out of nervousness and excitedness but quite possibly because you miss the warmth of his arm around you too. However as soon as he was gone he returned and had his arm tucked neatly around you again.

Why was he being so touchy? Was this just fan-service? Or maybe he is just like this when he is worried? Either way, it doesn’t stop the chill his warm touch sends up your side as his fingers brush against your hipbone.

All this time waiting for medical staff gives you a great opportunity to admire him. His visuals were so much more than stunning, they were quite simply unfathomable at times. A bead of sweat dripped down his temple and your mind can’t help but spin. His plain black T-shirt sticks to his stomach and you can see the faint outline of muscle. You look down to the hand around your waist. It’s broad and sinewy, a large vein running down the centre. His touch is gentle and caring, something you never expected from a stranger, never mind someone as famous as him.

You want to stay in this sticky plastic chair forever. “How are you feeling?” He asks, breaking you from your wild thoughts. “Not too bad, thank you for helping me, you really didn’t need to do this.” You reply, cheeks turning rose red.

“No, really, don’t worry about it. It’s the least I can do, you take your time to come here and support me, and for me to not help you up? That would hurt me inside. I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better though, that was a nasty tumble you took there doll, I hope your boyfriend is ok too?” He stiffens beside you, it’s as if as soon as he says it he realises what he said. “Oh no no, Tae’s not my boyfriend.” You run your hands across your thighs, a nervous reaction.

“Oh thank goodness, I only just realised how it could’ve looked, and I know I’d be ragin’ if some meathead like me touched my girl.” His body relaxes, and his hand grazes your hipbone for the second time. It feels like internal static electricity at his sudden touch, you hold in from jumping at it. “Do you have a girl?” You query, thoughts tripping over themselves to catch up. His ‘thank goodness’ reaction was certainly unexpected.

Was he relieved because he didn’t want you to look like you were cheating? Or because he could freely make advances without another guy in the picture? Or both? Either way your mind raced trying to keep up with everything, forehead still stinging in the background.

Eventually the medical staff turn up and sort you out, check you over to see if you have any insurance claimable injuries and bid your adieu with two tiny butterfly stitches over a cut you never knew you had.

JK walks you back to the stage floor, pulling you by the hand. He stops right before the last set of doors. “I’m sorry this happened, I’ll try and get health and safety sorted, but I’m not sorry we met, I’d love to say sorry to you in anyway possible though, so would I be able to get your number? I’d love to spend a good time with you, darling, some time when you aren’t in physical pain.” He jokingly adds in. The hazed over eyes that were once under the bright lights are now clear and genuine. You don’t even know how to feel anymore, everything is so much for you. You’d be stupid not to give your biggest most unlikely-to-reciprocate-crush your number, however it takes a moment to even register what to do. After what feels like forever, your body finally registers and you tell him your digits, as well as your email because your overwhelmed brain spills everything out by accident.

“Thank you for not reacting like a crazy screaming fan, this has been the best interaction I’ve ever had because you’ve treated me like a normal human.” He stammered. You look up to meet his eyes, they look intrigued, like he’s working out a puzzle. You’ve never seen him like this. Not performing. You guess you’ve never really contemplated how he is when he’s not performing, because you’ve never truly seen it. “I think I didn’t react like that because my head is about to explode at the moment, however you are still human, so we all deserve to be treated like humans.” You declare. You don’t know how you speak so frankly, it’s a miracle you haven’t passed out. “Very wise words.” He nods in approval,

“I’m sorry but I’m going to have to leave now doll, but it was lovely meeting you and I hope you enjoy the rest of the show!” He kisses your cheek like a date leaving for the night and jogs off down the maze-like alleys of the under-stage area.

What just happened? You stand in the hall in shock. Did Jeon JK actually just hold your hand, kiss your cheek, put his arm around your waist, AND take care of you? This was all too much. You decided to ponder it all later before you had an aneurysm and enjoy what was left of the night.

You walk through the doors and find your best friend in the sea of people. He wears a worried look and is right by the railing where you fell. “What the hell just happened? Are you okay?!” He barked. His hair was pushed back like he’d been running his hand through it, a nervous habit you knew he had.

You reach up your arms to him like a toddler and he pulls you up and over the barricade as easy as if you weighed nothing. He sets you down and looks at you, worried.

“As much as I want to tell you now I think my brain might explode so as curious as you are I’m going to tell you this all at home. However I assure you, I am fine.” You giggle at how absurd this all is, pulling Tae into a hug. It stabilises you and helps you know that you are real and you’re ok. This isn’t a dream and no matter how bad your head is banging it’ll all be clear soon.

The rest of the night passes by in a hazy euphoric blur.

Taylor Swift - Elle

30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30

By Taylor Swift Mar 6, 2019

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

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I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me I look . I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

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Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

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I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

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My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

.

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

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I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life:Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”

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Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

.

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

.

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco.

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say.Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

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Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

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Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

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After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

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Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

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Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

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Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

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How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

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I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

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I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

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I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

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I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

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I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

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I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

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I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

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My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

Hair by Serge Normant for Serge Normant Hair Care; makeup by Francelle for Lovecraft Beauty; manicure by Denise Bourne for Deborah Lippmann; produced by Kristen Terry at Rosco Production.

30 THINGS I LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

BY TAYLOR SWIFT MAR 6, 2019

According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

Lesson ONE

I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

Lesson TWO

Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson THREE

Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

Lesson FOUR

I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

Lesson FIVE

Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

Lesson SIX

I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.

EVERY DAY I TRY TO REMIND MYSELF OF THE GOOD IN THE WORLD, THE LOVE I’VE WITNESSED AND THE FAITH I HAVE IN HUMANITY. WE HAVE TO LIVE BRAVELY IN ORDER TO TRULY FEEL ALIVE, AND THAT MEANS NOT BEING RULED BY OUR GREATEST FEARS.

Lesson SEVEN

My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

Lesson EIGHT

I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

Lesson NINE

I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

Lesson TEN

I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)

I BELIEVE VICTIMS BECAUSE I KNOW FIRSTHAND ABOUT THE SHAME AND STIGMA THAT COMES WITH RAISING YOUR HAND AND SAYING “THIS HAPPENED TO ME.”

Lesson ELEVEN

Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

Lesson TWELVE

Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

Lesson THIRTEEN

It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson FOURTEEN

When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

Lesson FIFTEEN

Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

Lesson SIXTEEN

Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

Lesson SEVENTEEN

After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

Lesson EIGHTEEN

Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson NINETEEN

Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

Lesson TWENTY

Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

Lesson TWENTY-ONE

Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

Lesson TWENTY-TWO

How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers.

THERE’S A COMMON MISCONCEPTION THAT ARTISTS HAVE TO BE MISERABLE IN ORDER TO MAKE GOOD ART, THAT ART AND SUFFERING GO HAND IN HAND. I’M REALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE LEARNED THIS ISN’T TRUE. FINDING HAPPINESS AND INSPIRATION AT THE SAME TIME HAS BEEN REALLY COOL.

Lesson TWENTY-THREE

I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

Lesson TWENTY-FOUR

I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

Lesson TWENTY-FIVE

I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

Lesson TWENTY-SIX

I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

PHOTOGRAPHED BY BEN HASSETT; STYLED BY PAUL CAVACO

Lesson TWENTY-SEVEN

I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

Lesson TWENTY-EIGHT

I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

Lesson TWENTY-NINE

I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

Lesson THIRTY

My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go.

ELLE

All that Glitters | Chapter Six | ao3 link

“Morning Dean.” Cas said, looking far too awake seeing as it was early in the morning. Lucky bastard probably hadn't been up half the night working.  “Coffee?” He asked holding out a large mug for Dean to take.

“Thanks. What did you need me for?”

“Oh, I just wanted to go over the day and what was going to happen.” Cas said. He watched with a bemused expression as Dean nearly drained the whole mug. It was then that Dean noticed the large power shower in Cas’ en-suite, Without giving it a second thought, he put his mug down and unbuttoned his shirt.

"Dean, why are you taking off your shirt?" Cas asked.

“I seriously need to shower.” Dean said as he pulled off his shirt and undid his the buckle on his jeans. “My trailer doesn’t have one and I’m definitely that thing that I smell.” He added as he took out his earpiece and unhooked his mic.

“Oh, of course, Dean, you can use my shower. Thank you for asking me before you take your clothes off.” Cas said sarcastically.

“Oh? So I need to ask you before I take off my clothes?” Dean asked with a smirking smile. "I remember that for future reference." He joked. Cas rolled his eyes and went over to the coffee machine by his bed. While Dean padded off to the bathroom in just a pair of boxers, Cas made more coffee.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you’re incorrigible?” Cas called as Dean powered up the shower and stripped out his boxers.

“All the time Cas, it’s basically my middle name.” Dean called over the sound of the shower. “So what did you need to know about today?”

“I can hardly hear you Dean.” Cas said before he came into the bathroom.

“What did you need to know about today?” Dean asked as he used liberal amounts of Cas’ shower gel. He wasn’t doing it to be a dick, it just smelt really good. Not that he would ever tell Cas that.

“Just what is going on in general? I feel like I never know what is going on.” Cas admitted.

“Group date today. I’ll need to get moving soon as they’re sending the card and I’ll need to get some interviews done before you all go.” Dean said. “You’re going to a winery to do some wine tasting and grape crushing.”

“Oh…that actually sounds like a good day.”

“No shit. You said in your interview that you enjoy wine and like to know a lot about it.” Dean said. “We try to cater the dates to fit the suitor.” He added. “We’ll need to get going soon, the winery is a bit of a drive away.” It was then that Dean realised that Cas was pulling off the pyjamas top he’d been wearing. “Whatcha up to there Cas?” Dean asked as Cas proceeded to shimmy out his pyjama bottoms and…holy shit, Cas was not wearing anything.

“Well we need to hurry up and you’re using up all the water so move over.” Cas said and he actually squeezed into the shower next to Dean. Ok, Dean was fairly sure his brain was going to give out in a second. He definitely did not need to think that Cas was stood next to him, very much naked and now very wet.

“Cas, I get that I’m an Adonis of a guy but try and calm yourself.” Dean joked because the only thing he could think to do was make a joke. If he did anything else he would definitely end up flirting and that was not a good idea.

“I might be a millionaire but I am also an environmental warrior. Americans use up far too much water.” Cas said as he reached around Dean and grabbed the bottle of shower gel. Cas’ arm grazed against Dean’s side. Yeah…yeah, Dean was starting to get turned on. Shit. If he wasn’t careful then it was going to be very obvious that he was turned on as well. Shit, shit.

“Cas, most environmentalists would just recycle or chain themselves to a tree.” Dean pointed out. Cas turned around to face Dean, a huge smirk on his handsome face.

“Yes, but this is more interesting than chaining myself to a tree.” Cas said, he even glanced down to take in Dean’s body. Holy crap. Cas was not allowed to look at him like that. It was just cruel. “I like your tattoos.” He said, his eyes flitting over the protection symbol on Dean’s chest and the Mary written across his left rib.

“Um…thanks Cas…” Dean stammered out, desperately trying not to look down. “We…we should probably get going.”

“Why, because this making you nervous?” Cas asked, still smirking. Dean gently punched Cas on the arm.

“Don’t forget, I can embarrass you in front of the whole country.” Dean said. “Also we should get going because we need to head off soon.” Dean added as he stepped out the shower and grabbed a towel. He passed one over to Cas, still determined to not look even if he was tempted. They both dressed quickly while Dean put his earpiece back in. He connected his mic back up as Cas got dressed.

“Dean…Dean…calling Dean for the past ten fucking minutes!” Josie yelled in Dean’s ear.

“Fuck sake Josie, I was in the shower.” Dean groaned. “We’re heading over now.” He said.

“We?” Josie asked.

“Yeah, Cas and me.” Dean said. "He wanted to go over what was going on today."

“You better not have been getting naked with the suitor.” Josie warned.

“Of course not.” Dean lied.

“Then get your asses over here now then. We need to head to the winery soon.” Josie said. Dean clicked his mic off so no one apart from Cas would ever hear him.

“We need to get going.” He said to Cas as he watched the other man buckle his belt. Shit, this was starting to get out of hand.

“Ok Dean.” Cas said, shooting him a smile. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I’ve been told by friends that my sense of humour is quite strange.”

“Dude, you didn’t make me feel uncomfortable.” Dean said. Just turned on.

“Ah, so I did make you feel nervous.” Cas said. His smile turning into a shit-eating grin that would have rivaled Gabriel’s. “Can I ask you a question? Hopefully, you won't find it too personal.”

“Cas, we just shared a shower. I don't think we have to worry about things being too personal.” Dean said.

“Oh, good. Who is Mary?” Cas asked. Dean knew that he would probably ask something like that, he had seen Dean’s tattoo after all.

“Mary was my mother.” Dean said very carefully.

“Oh…oh. I'm sorry Dean.” Cas said.

“It's ok Cas, it was a long time ago.” Dean said even though not a day went by that he didn't think about his mother and miss her. “I mean, it'll never be ok but I have good memories of her. She was an amazing woman, the best mother in the world.” Dean said.

“You can tell a lot about a person by how they speak of their loved ones.” Cas said, looking Dean up and down yet again. Something about the way Cas was looking at him made Dean feel incredibly nervous. Seriously, what was it with this guy?

“Oh? What does it say about me?” Dean asked, trying to change the tone of the conversation to something lighter. He cocked an eyebrow as he looked at Cas. Cas gave him a bitch face that would have made Sam stop.

“That incorrigible really is your middle name.” Cas said with a shake of his head as they headed out Cas' room.

They made it to the main part of the mansion with time to spare. Josie raised an eyebrow at the fact that both Dean and Cas’ hair was wet but she didn't say anything. Frankly, Dean was amazed by her restraint. While Cas was being even a rundown of the plans for the day, Dean took several contestants aside for interviews. That took nearly an hour and by the time they were heading to the winery, Dean was dying for a coffee. He actually kissed Charlie on the head when she threw herself not the seat next to him with two large travel mugs of coffee.

“You look like you need this.” Charlie said as she handed over one of the mugs. “I heard that Castiel had you running around first thing this morning.” Charlie added, waggling her eyebrows until they disappeared under her bangs.

“We were just going over stuff for today.” Dean said with a shrug.

“Of course you were.” Charlie said as she smirked at him. “Glad to be getting out the mansion?”

“Hell yeah I don't even give a fuck that Jack is here.” Dean said as he glanced back down the bus. The camera men were all focused on Cas and the contestants chosen for the group date. Jack was among them but, for once, Dean wasn't giving him much thought. Instead, he watched Cas. He watched as Cas made jokes with the women and laughed at comments they made. He looked like a natural. It was strange to think this was the same guy Dean had met on the first night.

“I think he's starting to twig.” Charlie said. At first, Dean thought she was talking about Cas and the crush Dean was developing. That was until he saw that Charlie was looking at Jack. “I think he's guessed that Sam is giving him all the shitty jobs. I heard he went to Crowley to complain last night.”

“I like how he thinks that Crowley is the one in charge here.” Dean said. Crowley might have created the show but Josie was the real had of the show. Crowley was just a figurehead. “He can complain all he wants, Sam is just being a good brother. Still, I'm really trying to not think about all that shit.”

“Not even with-“

“Charge the subject, Charlie.” Dean said warningly. He knew damn well what day was coming up. “Change the subject.”

“Ok…oh! Sam told me that Adam is coming to visit next week!” Charlie said excitedly. “Are you looking forward to it?”

“Showing a high school kid around a huge mansion full of beautiful women? Oh yeah me it's going to be so much fun.” Dean said sarcastically. During spring break Adam would come and visit the show to get hands on experience of working within television. Though, Dean suspected that most of the boy’s enthusiasm came from being around the female cast.

“It'll be nice to see Adam again. You can introduce him to Cas.” Charlie said. Dean gave her a stern look. “Only because you two are becoming friends. I promise I'll stop teasing about the crush.”

“I don't have a crush on him. We're friends, Charlie.” Dean said but he said it far too quickly and he knew that Charlie didn't believe him. “Just drop it ok?” He asked pleadingly.

“Fine, I’ll drop it.” Charlie said with a slight pout. “You are grumpy when you haven't had enough coffee.” She added. Dean had to admit that he felt kind of bad for snapping at Charlie, she didn't deserve to be dragged into Dean's little world of minor moping. It wasn't her fault Dean just happened to have a crush on the suitor.

-

The day was blisteringly hot at the winery. It was a stunning place, which pleased all the camera men and Sam. They got some incredible shots of the scenery as well as damn good footage of the group date. For a fraction of a second Dean had been worried that Cas would become annoyed by the whole group date idea but he seemed to take it all in his stride. Dean hardly had to prompt him to make conversation with all the contestants. He even seemed to have a good time with Ruby, mainly because they both talk animatedly about their mutual love for red wine. Of course Ruby would be in her element at a winery.

Still, Dean did think it was one of the better group dates they had done for the past few seasons. The setting really did seem to make everyone relaxed. They filmed well into the late evening, making sure to capture everything Josie could possibly want from a group date. By the time they were back on the bus heading to the mansion, everyone seemed exhausted. Most of the women fell asleep instantly. Both Sam and Charlie fell asleep just five minutes into the journey back. Dean was half tempted to try and get some sleep when Cas sat do in the vacant seat next to him.    

“Hello Dean.” Cas said. He had caught the sun and the deep colour of his skin made his eyes look more bright and startling. Not that Dean was staring at them.

“Hey, you did well today.” Dean said. He'd been getting none stop from Josie all day but she seemed impressed by the raw footage she had seen. “You're really getting the hang of this.”

“I don't think I'll ever really get the hang on this show but I am starting to enjoy myself.” Cas said.

“Wine does that to you.” Dean said. “Still, I meant it. You did well today. The footage is looking really good We can make a solid episode out of this.”

"I still find it strange that you're making a show out of my quest to find love."

"Did you just say 'quest to find love'?" Dean asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"I might have asked around about buzz words." Cas said with shrug. "I'm still fairly convinced that this is all a ridiculous thing."

"Try not to let the cameras hear you say that Cas, we're trying to make a show here." Dean said. "Come on, there must be one of the contestants that you could see yourself ending up with."

"I do get along with Amelia and Anna but this show is what, just a few weeks filming wise? I'm supposed to find the love of my life in that time? It doesn't seem likely." Cas said candidly. "I would happily spend time with Amelia or Anna outside of the show but..."

"You just don't feel it?" Dean guessed. Cas nodded. "Can you fake it? At least until the season is over?"

"And live my life like it was a lie?" Cas asked with a frown. "I would have thought that you, of all people, would get why that is a stupid idea." Damn, he had a point. Dean had been out and fucking proud of it for over a decade. He could never imagine living his life another way just to please someone.

"You're right, I shouldn't be that fucking dumb."

"It's ok Dean." Cas said. “Really, how did you get into this whole show?” Cas then asked. “No offense, but you really don’t seem like the type of person who would be into this whole thing. Not that you are bad at your job, quite the opposite actually. Once again, no offense.”

“Seriously dude, none taken.” Dean said. “Obviously this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life. Fuck, this isn’t even what I want to do for the next five years. Still, it’s a good gig.”

“So what made you work on the show?”

“What is with all the questions today?” Dean asked.

“I'm just curious, I wanted to know how you got into the show.”

“Dumb luck?” Dean guessed. “I just needed a job and somehow I got an intern gig here for Josie. I managed to survive being her intern and she took me under her wing. She gave me a chance and offered me a producer job. I’m good at it, I’m not gonna lie. I can make shit happen. If I didn’t have Josie’s back, and if she didn’t have mine, I probably wouldn’t still be here.”

“So what do you want to do after this?” Cas asked. “Do you still want to work in television?”

“Well yeah…it’s kind of dumb though.” Dean said, scratching his neck like he always did when he was nervous. “I don’t know if you remember the Carver Edlund books I was talking about on the first night.”

“I remember.” Cas said with a smile. “The supernatural type books?”

“Yeah, I mean they’re kinda cheesy but I still like them. Me and Sam have had this idea for a show where we just drive around the country and visit all the places featured in the books. Kind of like a documentary. The books are about two brothers you see, Sam and I would just drive around the country and try to find creepy stuff. I doubt anyone would want to watch two brothers sat in a classic car and listening to rock music. Still, it's want I want to do. Even if we do get canceled after a season.”

“Well, I’d watch that.” Cas said. Dean snorted. “You don’t think I would?” Cas asked with a smirk.

“I see you as more of a CNN and finance shows kind of guy.” Dean said.

“I’m not taking that as a compliment Dean.” Cas said. “I really hope you get to live out your dream.” Cas said and he sounded so genuine, he really did want that for Dean. Dean wasn’t sure how it had happened but over the past few weeks, he had become friends with Cas. If he just ignored the small crush he was developing then it would be easier.

MY HONEST THOUGHTS ON 30 THINGS TAYLOR SWIFT LEARNED BEFORE TURNING 30

I just finished reading Taylor Swift’s article on ELLE MAGAZINE. Every single word that @taylorswift​ wrote expresses her lively, vivacious and elegant nature. It reminds us of all the vibrant colors that elate our life's and gives us some awesome advice's about  life. Even her recent photo shoot on ELLE MAGAZINE is giving us colorful and bubbly vibes. This article not only shows how brilliant her song writing skills are but also shows us that she is an inspirational and motivational speaker as well. Life is all about managing to overcome your hard ships, treating people kindly, conquering love and forgiving yourself for your wrong decisions. I want to thank her for uplifting herself from anxiety and depression and giving us some truly remarkable piece of advice's.

LOVE MYSELF, LOVE YOURSELF, PEACE 30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30 By Taylor Swift Mar 6, 2019 Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco According to my birth certificate, I turn 30 this year. It's weird because part of me still feels 18 and part of me feels 283, but the actual age I currently am is 29. I've heard people say that your thirties are "the most fun!" So I'll definitely keep you posted on my findings on that when I know. But until then, I thought I'd share some lessons I've learned before reaching 30, because it's 2019 and sharing is caring.

. I learned to block some of the noise. Social media can be great, but it can also inundate your brain with images of what you aren’t, how you’re failing, or who is in a cooler locale than you at any given moment. One thing I do to lessen this weird insecurity laser beam is to turn off comments. Yes, I keep comments off on my posts. That way, I’m showing my friends and fans updates on my life, but I’m training my brain to not need the validation of someone telling me that I look 🔥🔥🔥. I’m also blocking out anyone who might feel the need to tell me to “go die in a hole ho” while I’m having my coffee at nine in the morning. I think it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise to appease it, especially when three comments down you could unwittingly see someone telling you that you look like a weasel that got hit by a truck and stitched back together by a drunk taxidermist. An actual comment I received once.

. Being sweet to everyone all the time can get you into a lot of trouble. While it may be born from having been raised to be a polite young lady, this can contribute to some of your life’s worst regrets if someone takes advantage of this trait in you. Grow a backbone, trust your gut, and know when to strike back. Be like a snake—only bite if someone steps on you.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

. Trying and failing and trying again and failing again is normal. It may not feel normal to me because all of my trials and failures are blown out of proportion and turned into a spectator sport by tabloid takedown culture (you had to give me one moment of bitterness, come on). BUT THAT SAID, it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks. It’s especially good to do this in your twenties because we are searching. That’s GOOD. We’ll always be searching but never as intensely as when our brains are still developing at such a rapid pace. No, this is not an excuse to text your ex right now. That’s not what I said. Or do it, whatever, maybe you’ll learn from it. Then you’ll probably forget what you learned and do it again.... But it’s fine; do you, you’re searching.

. I learned to stop hating every ounce of fat on my body. I worked hard to retrain my brain that a little extra weight means curves, shinier hair, and more energy. I think a lot of us push the boundaries of dieting, but taking it too far can be really dangerous. There is no quick fix. I work on accepting my body every day.

. Banish the drama. You only have so much room in your life and so much energy to give to those in it. Be discerning. If someone in your life is hurting you, draining you, or causing you pain in a way that feels unresolvable, blocking their number isn’t cruel. It’s just a simple setting on your phone that will eliminate drama if you so choose to use it.

. I’ve learned that society is constantly sending very loud messages to women that exhibiting the physical signs of aging is the worst thing that can happen to us. These messages tell women that we aren’t allowed to age. It’s an impossible standard to meet, and I’ve been loving how outspoken Jameela Jamil has been on this subject. Reading her words feels like hearing a voice of reason amongst all these loud messages out there telling women we’re supposed to defy gravity, time, and everything natural in order to achieve this bizarre goal of everlasting youth that isn’t even remotely required of men.Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

. My biggest fear. After the Manchester Arena bombing and the Vegas concert shooting, I was completely terrified to go on tour this time because I didn’t know how we were going to keep 3 million fans safe over seven months. There was a tremendous amount of planning, expense, and effort put into keeping my fans safe. My fear of violence has continued into my personal life. I carry QuikClot army grade bandage dressing, which is for gunshot or stab wounds. Websites and tabloids have taken it upon themselves to post every home address I’ve ever had online. You get enough stalkers trying to break into your house and you kind of start prepping for bad things. Every day I try to remind myself of the good in the world, the love I’ve witnessed and the faith I have in humanity. We have to live bravely in order to truly feel alive, and that means not being ruled by our greatest fears.

. I learned not to let outside opinions establish the value I place on my own life choices. For too long, the projected opinions of strangers affected how I viewed my relationships. Whether it was the general internet consensus of who would be right for me, or what they thought was “couples goals” based on a picture I posted on Instagram. That stuff isn’t real. For an approval seeker like me, it was an important lesson for me to learn to have my OWN value system of what I actually want.

. I learned how to make some easy cocktails like Pimm’s cups, Aperol spritzes, Old-Fashioneds, and Mojitos because…2016.

. I’ve always cooked a LOT, but I found three recipes I know I’ll be making at dinner parties for life: Ina Garten’s Real Meatballs and Spaghetti (I just use packaged bread crumbs and only ground beef for meat), Nigella Lawson’s Mughlai Chicken, and Jamie Oliver’s Chicken Fajitas with Molé Sauce. Getting a garlic crusher is a whole game changer. I also learned how to immediately calculate Celsius to Fahrenheit in my head. (Which is what I’m pretty sure the internet would call a “weird flex.”)I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.”

. Recently I discovered Command tape, and I definitely would have fewer holes in my walls if I’d hung things that way all along. This is not an ad. I just really love Command tape.

. Apologizing when you have hurt someone who really matters to you takes nothing away from you. Even if it was unintentional, it’s so easy to just apologize and move on. Try not to say “I’m sorry, but...” and make excuses for yourself. Learn how to make a sincere apology, and you can avoid breaking down the trust in your friendships and relationships.

. It’s my opinion that in cases of sexual assault, I believe the victim. Coming forward is an agonizing thing to go through. I know because my sexual assault trial was a demoralizing, awful experience. I believe victims because I know firsthand about the shame and stigma that comes with raising your hand and saying “This happened to me.” It’s something no one would choose for themselves. We speak up because we have to, and out of fear that it could happen to someone else if we don’t.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

. When tragedy strikes someone you know in a way you’ve never dealt with before, it’s okay to say that you don’t know what to say. Sometimes just saying you’re so sorry is all someone wants to hear. It’s okay to not have any helpful advice to give them; you don’t have all the answers. However, it’s not okay to disappear from their life in their darkest hour. Your support is all someone needs when they’re at their lowest point. Even if you can’t really help the situation, it’s nice for them to know that you would if you could.

. Vitamins make me feel so much better! I take L-theanine, which is a natural supplement to help with stress and anxiety. I also take magnesium for muscle health and energy.

. Before you jump in headfirst, maybe, I don’t know...get to know someone! All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything. It’s impressive when someone can charm people instantly and own the room, but what I know now to be more valuable about a person is not their charming routine upon meeting them (I call it a “solid first 15”), but the layers of a person you discover in time. Are they honest, self-aware, and slyly funny at the moments you least expect it? Do they show up for you when you need them? Do they still love you after they’ve seen you broken? Or after they’ve walked in on you having a full conversation with your cats as if they’re people? These are things a first impression could never convey.

. After my teen years and early twenties of sleeping in my makeup and occasionally using a Sharpie as eyeliner (DO NOT DO IT), I felt like I needed to start being nicer to my skin. I now moisturize my face every night and put on body lotion after I shower, not just in the winter, but all year round, because, why can’t I be soft during all the seasons?!

. Realizing childhood scars and working on rectifying them. For example, never being popular as a kid was always an insecurity for me. Even as an adult, I still have recurring flashbacks of sitting at lunch tables alone or hiding in a bathroom stall, or trying to make a new friend and being laughed at. In my twenties I found myself surrounded by girls who wanted to be my friend. So I shouted it from the rooftops, posted pictures, and celebrated my newfound acceptance into a sisterhood, without realizing that other people might still feel the way I did when I felt so alone. It’s important to address our long-standing issues before we turn into the living embodiment of them.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

. Playing mind games is for the chase. In a real relationship or friendship, you’re shooting yourself in the foot if you don’t tell the other person how you feel, and what could be done to fix it. No one is a mind reader. If someone really loves you, they want you to verbalize how you feel. This is real life, not chess.

. Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships. Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.

. Fashion is all about playful experimentation. If you don’t look back at pictures of some of your old looks and cringe, you’re doing it wrong. See: Bleachella.

. How to fight fair with the ones you love. Chances are you’re not trying to hurt the person you love and they aren’t trying to hurt you. If you can wind the tension of an argument down to a conversation about where the other person is coming from, there’s a greater chance you can remove the shame of losing a fight for one of you and the ego boost of the one who “won” the fight. I know a couple who, in the thick of a fight, say “Hey, same team.” Find a way to defuse the anger that can spiral out of control and make you lose sight of the good things you two have built. They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers. There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

. I learned that I have friends and fans in my life who don’t care if I’m #canceled. They were there in the worst times and they’re here now. The fans and their care for me, my well-being, and my music were the ones who pulled me through. The most emotional part of the Reputation Stadium Tour for me was knowing I was looking out at the faces of the people who helped me get back up. I’ll never forget the ones who stuck around.

. I’ve had to learn how to handle serious illness in my family. Both of my parents have had cancer, and my mom is now fighting her battle with it again. It’s taught me that there are real problems and then there’s everything else. My mom’s cancer is a real problem. I used to be so anxious about daily ups and downs. I give all of my worry, stress, and prayers to real problems now.

. I remember people asking me, “What are you gonna write about if you ever get happy?” There’s a common misconception that artists have to be miserable in order to make good art, that art and suffering go hand in hand. I’m really grateful to have learned this isn’t true. Finding happiness and inspiration at the same time has been really cool.

. I make countdowns for things I’m excited about. When I’ve gone through dark, low times, I’ve always found a tiny bit of relief and hope in getting a countdown app (they’re free) and adding things I’m looking forward to. Even if they’re not big holidays or anything, it’s good to look toward the future. Sometimes we can get overwhelmed in the now, and it’s good to get some perspective that life will always go on, to better things.

Photographed by Ben Hassett; Styled by Paul Cavaco

. I learned that disarming someone’s petty bullying can be as simple as learning to laugh. In my experience, I’ve come to see that bullies want to be feared and taken seriously. A few years ago, someone started an online hate campaign by calling me a snake on the internet. The fact that so many people jumped on board with it led me to feeling lower than I’ve ever felt in my life, but I can’t tell you how hard I had to keep from laughing every time my 63-foot inflatable cobra named Karyn appeared onstage in front of 60,000 screaming fans. It’s the Stadium Tour equivalent of responding to a troll’s hateful Instagram comment with “lol.” It would be nice if we could get an apology from people who bully us, but maybe all I’ll ever get is the satisfaction of knowing I could survive it, and thrive in spite of it.

. I’m finding my voice in terms of politics. I took a lot of time educating myself on the political system and the branches of government that are signing off on bills that affect our day-to-day life. I saw so many issues that put our most vulnerable citizens at risk, and felt like I had to speak up to try and help make a change. Only as someone approaching 30 did I feel informed enough to speak about it to my 114 million followers. Invoking racism and provoking fear through thinly veiled messaging is not what I want from our leaders, and I realized that it actually is my responsibility to use my influence against that disgusting rhetoric. I’m going to do more to help. We have a big race coming up next year.

. I learned that your hair can completely change texture. From birth, I had the curliest hair and now it is STRAIGHT. It’s the straight hair I wished for every day in junior high. But just as I was coming to terms with loving my curls, they’ve left me. Please pray for their safe return.

. My mom always tells me that when I was a little kid, she never had to punish me for misbehaving because I would punish myself even worse. I’d lock myself in my room and couldn’t forgive myself, as a five-year-old. I realized that I do the same thing now when I feel I’ve made a mistake, whether it’s self-imposed exile or silencing myself and isolating. I’ve come to a realization that I need to be able to forgive myself for making the wrong choice, trusting the wrong person, or figuratively falling on my face in front of everyone. Step into the daylight and let it go. 

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Day 18 Dean Creek to Ferndale, Humboldt County Fair Grounds 52 miles

4:48 time, 2,024 calories, 1857' climbed, 10.9 avg mph This was the first day I had a shower in the morning instead of the night before, I stayed up too late writing and I wasn't really dirty from not riding so much the day before.  It was a great way to start out my muscles for the day.  I continue to keep forgetting my towel when I go shower, this far into the trip I really have most processes down to a t so finishing up a shower when you know its going to be so cold as soon as the water cuts off and realizing I forgot my towel, again, is frustrating.  But I've developed a process for this as well, I normally do it to some degree after every shower because it just feel like an exercise in efficiency, you dry off faster and the towel takes less time to dry.  I use my fingers and hands as squeegees and flick off the water starting from top to bottom,  with a few rounds of shaking the water out of my hair as I work my way down.  This can get you pretty dry depending on how humid it is, at least enough to only be damp when you have to put your clothes on.  Each time I forgot the towel I kind of think to myself, it's ok, you got this, you've been preparing your whole life for this challenge.  If only I could figure out how to get paid for doing simple and regular tasks exceptionally well.  I have little tricks like this for everything, and while I know it's not a big deal or doesn't seem like it's even worth writing about,  having a little life hack for an endless list of situations sure makes tasks or problems way less stressful, not to mention the highly satisfying feeling you have to yourself a out winning at life in that quick moment. "How to live better - Organization, Preparedness and Adaptability" ... working title for a book I'll never write. Anyway, that's enough of me talking about how smart I THINK I am, because let's not forget, this started with me not being smart enough to remember to bring a damn towel to the shower! I pulled out of the "resort" early and was on the road by eight. Five miles later, just before Phillipsville, I exited highway 101 for Avenue of The Giants and rode thirty miles surrounded by Giants, redwoods that is.  Everyone should do this once in your life, and a lot of people were, there were tourists stop all along it gazing up, taking picture with trees and waving and encouraging me on.  Then they would get back in their car, the lucky ones had a sun roof, but I couldn't shake the feeling that they were sure missing out!  You need all of your peripheral vision in order to take in all the giant's greatness and you can't get it through a windshield and a sunroof!  The tree hugging hippy in me was spiritually recharged on that morning, there is power in the forest.  Our material and commercial world with concrete, towns, churches and malls is not a polite residence for God,  it's no wonder people, especially the religious, have lost most true connection to the spiritual, despite claiming a monopoly on morals and spiritual understanding.  People may have never fought and wasted so much over the dogmatic fundamentals of modern religions if people hadn't become so far removed from true communion with God found in nature.  Nature teaches us most of what we need to know,  meditation helps us find the rest within, which is also nature, just the most evolved example of it.  As we move further away from mother earth we move away from truth and we begin to mistakenly identify reality and truth in the crap we have made, can buy, throw away and are never satisfied with.  Being in these forests reminds me of how not real the "real world" is.  I don't want to be hypnotized by it's glitter, I don't want to be enchanted by it's plastic, I choose to take off the glasses that makes all the bullshit look rosy.  How do I do that?  I do I not fall victim to that game, that make believe, those bogus priorities? Damn, I was "this close" to becoming a finance professional and working on wall street and loosing my soul to dollar signs.  I know my experience has been quite exceptional and my ability to not have to play the high school, college, career game was thanks to factors greatly out of my control.  I know I have so much to be grateful for because I have been so blessed with eye and mind opening experiences that have changed everything for me (ie. psychedelics, travel, religious disenchantment, financial ease, cultural diversity) so I't would be easy to roll your eyes and blow me off.  That's fine, I won't mind, and I understand that for 99 percent of humans there isn't much a choice to disconnect from the reality TV, keeping up with the Jones's, 24 hour news cycles, localized world views and subliminally bigoted (if not fully) cultures.  I was lucky I got out and I found my self in nature, in the forest, amongst the Giants, my teachers.  They are so accessible, you don't have to become a monk to find them, there right here off the 101 near Phillipsville and you can ride a bike there, and camp there and learn and reconnect to your roots there.  I'm reminded of a mantra that was given to me from mother earth during a session I had with her medicine; Stay Humble - Grow Strong - Reach for the light.  It means everything to me, starting with stay humble, by which I mean to know where you are rooted, like everything else we must have a strong root into the earth, an understanding and reverence for Her/God that keeps us humble because we know that we are not so different from everything else,  we are in ways set apart from the rest of nature but we are not the rulers over it!  At most we are the caretakers and we have done a piss poor job at that.  We must remain linked into the same network via our earth bound roots in order to even have a starting point to understand or care for the great resource we have, earth, life giving mother earth, all that we have.  And just because we strip her down and turn her tattered robes into paper money to enrich ourselves there is no real value in our make believe economy, not to your soul!  A rich man can no easier pass into heaven than a camel can through the eye of a needle. Is that how it goes?  The meek will inherit the earth.  These are pretty old adages that we sure seemed to brush aside when the flash and glitter of gold catch our eye.  Riding among the Giants is humbling and reminds me the importance of knowing where my roots really belong in. Now I understand that you can't just sell all your belongings, reject society and go live in the woods, chant damn the man for the rest of your days.  However in order for me to actually grow strong and and reach my potential I have to have regular reminders of my connection to nature, my body and therein God,  So I do yoga and get into nature as much as possible, that's how I go to church these days.  Right in the middle of the avenue I found a little diner and had a nice big breakfast, omelet, hashbrowns, and pancake, oh, and coffee! Don't forget the coffee, I have never valued a warm cup of joe so much in my life! The monotony of getting up early and cold everyday is greatly countered by hot coffee, I have experienced and known this, like the rest of the world, for a long time but this trip has made it more obvious than ever. There was an old man, about 70, sitting at the counter by me and he was wearing a brand new flat black flat brim hat that hat raised neon green embroidery reading Dab King, which if you don't know, dabs a highly way to smoke highly concentrated cannabis oil, so concentrated it's more of a wax than an oil.  I couldn't picture this grandpa taking dabs but I could picture his grandson getting a real kick out of giving him that hat and knowing the kick a guy like me would get out of seeing him in it in the little town of Miranda, at the counter, right in the heart of Humbolt county. The Avenue came to and end and rejoined the real world at Stafford where I rode the 101 from to a little town called Rio Del.  I went through looking for a place to buy a pair of socks, I lost my second a pair a long time ago when I slept under the bridge that night.  No luck on the socks but I did get a couple bags of camp food and a good suggestion for lunch, which was across the street, and was as mediocre of a hamburger and fries I could have hoped for.  I had been riding along Eel River for two and a half days, since Leggett, So when the restaurant had Eel River Brewery beers of draft, I had to try them. I stayed around and met locals for a couple hours.  A woman named Laura disappeared for a short while then returned with Sweet Pea, her goat, that she fed a bag of cheetos to.  I was beside myself and this completely summed up this country little down home town for me. There is a Alternate route around here that I didn't take, it's a famous ride called the lost coast.  I rode another ten miles from my rendezvous with Sweet Pea and called it a night when I found the Humboldt County Fairgrounds, a classic rodeo and livestock show facility that operated as a RV and tent campsite.  I was exhausted, I think it's getting time for a rest day, I set up camp, then rode back to town and ate chicken parmigiana and ravioli for diner, then rode home like a zombie with a belly full of brains.  I chatted with my very enjoyable German bike touring neighbors for a few minutes, I wish I had more energy to have done so some more but I climbed in my tent and went to sleep.  There was someone getting married there that night and sealing in their red neck lifestyle for generations to come, I was happy for them, despite the commotion and the early 2000's playlist I was fast asleep in no time.