littleprincessfawn
Princess Fawn
a haven for a Fae dreamer. 37/F/Australia.
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Like many Shōgun viewers, I wondered about Blackthorne's action in Episode 9, when he draws a line in the sand of the garden, marring its perfectly cultivated harmony. Was he taking some stand against Japan and its culture of socially-permissible suicide? Was he silently protesting against the action Mariko was about to undertake?
gif by @yocalio
If we go back to the first episode, though, we realize that this is not the first time that Blackthorne has encountered someone who wishes to take their own life. His Dutch captain, clearly suffering under the effects of scurvy and the futility of remaining at sea for months with dwindling supplies, tells Blackthorne that he no longer holds out any hope of reaching Japan, much less returning to Europe a rich man. Then he glances down at Blackthorne's pistol.
“At my age,” he says, “you draw your line.”
(Like he does with Mariko, Blackthorne argues with the captain, telling him that suicide would be the act of a coward. Interestingly enough, the captain's words — “Pilot, there's nothing to fear. It's a blessed release. It's like only a soft wind in your face. Can you feel it? That is the breath of the Almighty. He's calling us. Listen. He's calling us home” — seem to do as little to convince Blackthorne as Mariko's rationale does. Still, he leaves the captain with his pistol.)
What if Blackthorne's act is not meant as an act of protest, but as a way to honor the sacrifice that Mariko is about to make, even if he vehemently disagrees with her choice? (He honors it even more when he volunteers to serve as her second, an act of love and duty that he agrees to perform even if it will destroy him to do so.) Ever since he came to understand her desire to die, he has argued with her, rejecting what he sees as her fatalism. Even her continued loyalty to Toranaga is branded as “senseless,” as he sees it as leading to her death. But by Episode 9, he has realized that he will never convince her, and perhaps — despite his anguished plea that she consider living, if only for him — he finally sees the purpose of her action and accepts her choice.
That is why he makes the mark in the garden. It is her, standing against her enemies, fulfilling her purpose.
And in the end, he understands: she must draw her line.
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Moeka Hoshi (Fuji) last day on set with the crew.
"Hugging with Fred while crying. Bowing to Justin while crying.
Talking with Cosmo while crying. I'm a crybaby as you know😂."
She's so pure! 😭Best Nun Girl ! 🥰
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Obsessed with elliott stardew. he’s like a French aristocrat who is also a beach bum. he looks like young Fabio and talks like a dove chocolate wrapper. He’s polishing his cuff links while shooing a crab out of his pocket. he’s writing a whole entire novel with a duck-feather quill. He’s brushing his hair 100 strokes before bed. He’s staring out at the sea at least 5 hours a day. his Oxford shoes are full of sand. he has 16g in his bank account. he’s not unemployed bc yearning is a full-time job.
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I just wanna go to the beach at night just to listen to the waves
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in the mood 2 get my head shoved into a pillow and told to "shut the fuck up and take it" :3
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I only got one hour of sleep then I woke up and can't get back to sleep yet.
Someone feel free to send me sleep tips!
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Oh, to be a little country mouse sleeping in a pea pod
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Self. Care.
Actually self care.
Water. Food- Brown rice, marinated tofu, red kidney beans, cheese, sunflower oil.
Survival.
#food#food post#meal#water#self care#struggling#executive dysfunction#adhd#actually adhd#mental illness#fae being mentally unwell
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Okay despite my brain going a mile a minute I'm gonna talk to myself here and use Tumblr as my executive function boardroom meeting to take proper care of my ill ADHD self.
(looooong test post under cut. Likely boring but maybe useful to other people struggling with functioning and self care?)
I'm recovering from a tummy bug, nausea, diarrhea. Today I took all my meds at the one time, including my ADHD meds at full dosage, despite that I've been skipping them a bit lately. This has caused me to feel like maybe hypomanic, side effects too much meds, thoughts rushing, wrote too much to people. Ruining friendships with my social awkwardness of oversharing and being 'too much'. The ADHD meds are wearing off now. I am home alone. Today I have eaten rice crackers. I have had 600ml water. It's 5pm. I had 3 or 4 hours sleep last night because I was so ill. I am dirty and haven't had a bath or shower or brushed my teeth for 2 days. My house is messy in some places, the kitchen isn't so bad, and neither is my TV nook. I have a kitty to feed and look after.
Things I must do:
Feed kitty breakfast and dinner
Scoop kitty litter once per day
Put on dishwasher once per day and put away clean dry dishes
Sort out the laundry situation because right now it's insane. I have clean clothes and linens but they are in random piles around the house.
Take out rubbish to rubbish bins (maybe once per day as my house is messy and if I clean I will find rubbish)
Drink 3L of water each day
Eat healthy nutrition each day, spaced out regular meals, avoid spikes in blood sugar
Sleep!! Get sleep. Make a bed that is cosy, comfy, clean.
Shower or bath once per day
Brush teeth morning and night, or just night if struggling
Skin care morning and night, or just night if struggling
Comb my hair and wear it in 2 comfy cute braids
Spend more time on tumblr and being introverted and thoughtful, less time messaging people until my hypomanic symptoms have eased and I'm in control of myself
Figure out when to take which meds and at what dosage
Always take my leukemia medicine dasatinib at 12pm.
Do things that help me feel balanced and grounded
Slowly do things that will make my situation better e.g. tidying, throwing out junk, working through emails, making appointment phone calls, life admin stuff
Stay safe, don't do risky or harmful behaviours.
Make one room my dedicated SAFE SPACE. Make and keep it: clean, cosy, tidy, neat, spartan, minimalist, white sheets, soft lighting, good air flow, beautiful, relaxing, healing, comfortable, sensory good, suiting my needs. The rest of the house can be messy but if I have ONE room that is good I have a place to retreat to.
Choices for my safe room: my bedroom, my son's bedroom (he's at his dad's), my computer room, my TV nook.
My bedroom has a lot to deal with in it, but has the best mattress. I don't think I can fix my bedroom tonight.
My son's room is tidyish, wouldn't take long to fix up. His mattress isn't as good for my back. I sometimes like being in my son's room because it reminds me of him when he's away BUT I also ideally want that space to be just for him, with his things.
The computer room has the air conditioner which is nice for cooling but very loud. It has no mattress. It's a bit messy. I'd need to move furniture. It's not doable for tonight.
(Break to feed cat dinner, it's 6:17pm. Also cleaned and refilled his water.)
The dining room / library is insane. I wasn't planning on sleeping here. I just wanted to note that. Absolute chaos.
The TV nook is a small room with a couch and a single bed in it and the TV and a coffee table. I find the single bed mattress uncomfortable to sleep on. I find the couch comfy to sleep on. It's pretty easy to tidy up.
So my options are either my son's room or the TV nook, and there's a possibility of dragging my mattress from my room into either room if I can make it fit.
I am feeling very very dizzy and ill. I'll lie down now, then get water. Then I will probably need food. Protein, Complex Carbs, Veggies. Some brown rice is in the fridge. So is some tofu that I marinated I think it's still good? I might have some frozen green beans or carrots or something easy like that for veggies. I also have legumes like lentils, kidney beans, chickpeas. There's probably meat in the freezer but I don't think I can do that. I have eggs I think.
Okay, despite dizzy, now go get food and water. Then come back, eat on couch, while reading or TV, lie down, maybe sleep.
Plan more plans later.
For right now, get through the next hours. Give my body what it needs. Water. Food. Sleep. Hygiene. Maybe in that order or maybe after food and water I can do hygiene first.
Okay I have now eaten food and drank water. I think next need truly is sleep. My heart feels weird. But sometimes when I'm this level of messed up im afraid to fall asleep. I'm afraid that I won't wake up again. I'm afraid of that unknown darkness, of what waits for me behind my eyelids. But my body can do no more. I will clean my face with water and a washcloth. I will brush my teeth. I will put on my night cream. I will make the couch sleepable.
Now I have done all those. I've put a gentle lamp on. A fan blowing air. I will try and allow my body and mind to rest. I will curl up on my side and settle my racing heart. I am so nauseous and dizzy and sore and scared.
I must find my calm. And hold it close.
I wish I had someone to hold me. But I'm proud of myself for taking care of myself. It's a skill I need to master. Before I can find a Master.
#adhd#chronic illness#hypomania#drug interactions#person#executive dysfunction#dysfunctional gal#will add more tags later#crashing out
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