Houseless Disabled Trans People In Need Of Assistance

i do not enjoy asking for help ! and so it is with a very heavy heart and intense fear in the depths of my bones that i come to tumblr dot com.

my girlfriend and i are without a house. we got evicted by our roommates for reasons that are mostly unbeknownst to us and we have been having trouble securing housing. we got approved for a low income apartment but they’re taking longer than anticipated to process our financial information. we were supposed to sign our lease and get our keys this week, and it got pushed back because of technical difficulties. we don’t have any family members who can help us within the small pool of family members who actually support us, and most of our friends are also low income and marginalized. both of us are trans and have chronic anxiety + depression, CPTSD, and autism, among other things, and i have acute fibromyalgia. we both have a job but i make $13.25/hr, she makes $13, and neither of us can work more than 35hrs a week (usually closer to 24-32). we are at the point where if we spend any more money on the motel we’re in (which is also quite impossible as it is memorial day weekend and they are fully booked apparently), we will be dipping into our food money and our savings for the down payment on the apartment.

i am at the end of my rope trying to keep my little family safe and alive. to make matters worse my health is failing physically and mentally. my cashapp is $KasDelano. everything goes towards keeping us afloat. if you have anything to spare or if you have a moment to reblog, please do. we just need to keep coming up with temporary solutions until we get this apartment settled and secured. our only other option for the long term is moving back in with my biological mother, who is incredibly abusive and an immense danger to my well being. this would also disconnect my partner and i from our healthcare access, as my mother lives in a different state and we have state funded insurance. some messed up part of me is somewhat alright with putting myself back in that position, but i can’t do it to someone i love, too.

so i didn’t realize this blog had hit 4400 followers ?? so uh. hey y’all

i’m not even sure if i was diagnosed accurately at this point and idk what the hell is wrong w my brain anymore aside from the obvious anxiety, depression, ptsd and adhd. i was diagnosed w bpd when i was fifteen and now i’m pushing 21 and i no longer exhibit the most prominent symptoms of it.

this blog isn’t going anywhere, since it’s seemed to have done some people some good, but idk if i’ll ever be consistently active on here again j so y’all know

it isn’t getting better. why hasn’t it gotten better?

i’ve put in so much effort,

but i’m still suffering,

and i am

exhausted

I've spent my day feeling really grown up and resilient and proud of myself

But now it's night, and I'm alone, and I can't stop thinking about how my life has been a perpetual state of prolonged crisis, I've never really been safe, and I'm still here fighting and running from every single thing that's ever tried to hold me down in a frantic effort to just keep surviving. It's literally all I know

And, fuck. I never wanted my life to seem that dark.

But there it is.

alright, here we go. im doing this in a post instead of on another page to make it more convenient for mobile users. that and im too tired to make a different page. this serves as the byf

Keep reading

I have a lot of followers on this account and I need to vent my emotions somewhere so like hey y'all

I haven't been super active in a long time bc of life, which is how it goes sometimes yk. But for the past several years, life for me has been dealing with abusers and facing trauma on top of trauma. My biggest abuser has been my mother, and mother's day was yesterday, which is why I'm thinking and feeling so much about this.

She victimized me for years. My entire high school career was ruined because I was too busy being her emotional dumping ground and protector, as well as her punching bag. There were days when I had to miss school to make sure she didn't hurt herself or to make sure my brother didn't kill her. And she often tossed my needs to the side, as I would ask for things I needed and wouldn't receive them for months on end, if at all. She put off making important appointments and phone calls for me. And then she vilified me for not being able to take care of myself properly due to my mental illnesses.

She was constantly belittling me for the negative effects my mental illnesses had on my life, even though she had a lot of the same illnesses and saw a therapist. We did therapy together and she never wanted to work through anything. She only admitted to having done something wrong when we were in therapy. She didn't talk about her emotions or about boundaries, she just did the bare minimum to get us through the appointment.

I didn't even know how bad it really was until I reconnected with a childhood friend and got to know their best friend (who would become my now girlfriend of almost 8 months) after all of my other friends had virtually disappeared from my life because I was so draining to be around anymore because I was a wreck at all times. Until then I didn't know how wrong my mom was and how unnatural and toxic our relationship had become. What my friend and girlfriend got me to see was that my mom and I were entirely codependent, and I was trapped in a cycle of abuse, and I needed to get out. Especially because mere weeks after my girlfriend and I got together, my parents started planning to move six hours away from home. I didn't finally realize that I didn't have to go with them until a week before the move, and up to that point, every day I woke up thinking that soon i was going to be torn from everything and everyone in my life that mattered, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And I knew that if I had to go through with that, I wasn't going to survive. Either I was going to wind up dying or completely self destructing.

Leaving my mom's home was a fucking FEAT. But my loved ones gave me the means and the courage to do it. She made me help her move, and then brought me back to where I'd be living. I stayed at her new house for a little over two weeks, and she let me bring one of my close friends (in fact, OFFERED to let me bring said friend, it was her idea, and then she treated me like a nuisance later bc my friend came along w us). She treated me like garbage every day. She was always putting me down and being passive aggressive and getting an attitude with me, for no reason. She started pointless and petty arguments in front of my friend and verbally abused me the whole way through with zero fucking remorse. The day before she took me back, she got into two fights with me, the first one in a goddamn IHOP bc she said I "might as well be an atheist" simply because I'm not a Christian and I told her that it hurt my feelings to hear her say that because she knew I had a religion, and she lost her MIND, because how DARE I tell her she did something wrong? And the second was me crying to her and begging her to stop bullying me all the time and to just be my mom, which she didn't listen to at all and instead screamed at me for an hour or so about how rotten I was for wanting to leave

This was at the end of November and the beginning of December. She left me in the town I live on December 4th. Since then, she has started COUNTLESS disputes with me over social media for no reason. She has threatened me and blackmailed me, saying she'd come get me, which she can do because she convinced me to let her get legal guardianship over my person when I turned 18, telling me it was "in my best interest" and "for my health and well being". She has stolen money from me and conned me out of money when she has more than she needs and I'm living off of social security. She has publicly abused me on my Facebook page for my friends and other loved ones to see, talking to those who came to my defense like they were less than human to her, throwing slurs at my queer friends. Talking to me like I was garbage while people watched and then praising herself for being so good to me. This has further hindered my quality of life as well as my education.

She bounces between that sort of behavior and telling me about her art projects and how much she misses me. The past few days she's been nice, when last weekend, she was a terror. This past Friday my therapist told me I don't have to make any decisions yet about whether I should - or even want to - have my mom in my life. But today she finally sent me a friend request on Facebook again, after not having me on social media for awhile because of the aforementioned arguing. So before I accepted it I told her that my boundary is that she can't start fights with me over the shit I post because I will post what I want on my Facebook and none of it is ever meant to have a go at her. She simply said "understood love you" and that was that.

Then I was scrolling through her Facebook a little bit ago, and she had shared something. It was a shoddy list of the defining characteristics of a narcissist. And she captioned it with something that alluded to me being a narcissist and not even realizing it, without using my name (but of course she misgendered me on purpose). And that just fucking BITES. More than I can even say.

She's mean to me so often. She's so abysmally nasty to me. She treats me like dirt and I'm still so nice to her all the time and she still acts like I'm the bad guy. Like I'm not her fucking KID. Like she didn't and doesn't hold a position of power over me. Like it's even possible for her to be victimized by me. And then she tells me that I play the victim so much that I can't see the error of my ways ?!?!!?!??

When she was still arguing with my Facebook friends some months ago, she posted something in a comment thread while responding to my girlfriend's dad (who was standing up for me). She told him that I was going to tell him to lay off of her because, ever since my dad passed, I would "do anything" to keep her in my life. So she admitted that she knows she holds power over me emotionally and that she can and will use that to her advantage any and every time she feels she needs to. Publicly.

And now she's still acting like I'm a narcissist and a manipulator ???

Tl;dr moms ain't shit

What does a BPD relationship look like? I'm newly self-diagnosed & I just feel like every guy hates me after a while. Even though I'm not sure that they do? I just feel like I have nothing unique to offer & someone else does. I feel like a burden & I don't want to open up & make them think I'm crazy (because I already feel crazy). I get into these emotional retreats and will spend days silently crying myself to sleep beside them so they don't know I'm hurting. If anyone can help, please.

I definitely know how you feel. In several past romantic encounters I've felt like I was too complex and crazy for the people I had feelings for, and sometimes I was, which is alright. Not everyone is mentally equipped to love someone with bpd. It can take patience and understanding.

More importantly, it's okay to be a complicated person. It's okay to have bpd. Not everyone will understand, and some of those people won't be willing to try. That isn't because you suck or because you aren't good enough, because those things aren't true! Having a mental illness isn't something that you can control, and it's hard to manage, especially when you don't have professional help. That can have an impact on relationships, even more so if the mental illness is bpd. It's hard for us to process and comprehend feelings of insecurity and paranoia, and that can cause internal and external damage.

While those feelings are valid, they are usually irrational, which can be hard for you to identify, analyze, and unpack. The solution to this is to communicate. Your partner should know how you're feeling so they can try to help you work through those emotions, specifically when they're worries about your bond with them. For example, last week was my six month anniversary with my girlfriend, and I wrote her an essay about how much she means to me, and then read it to her aloud. It made me feel particularly vulnerable, and then through the rest of the day, she seemed more quiet and distracted than usual. It bothered me and had me anxious for several hours before I very calmly asked if she was out of it because of something I said, and she said that it wasn't, she was just h1gh (lol)

Your significant other is there to support you emotionally and to make sure you're okay. It's alright to ask for comfort when you're feeling bad, whether it be a discussion, an agreement, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a date night, or just some snuggles. Not only is it fine to ask for, but you deserve that solace and care.

To answer the question "what does a bpd relationship look like" would be pointless, because they don't all look the same. They have similar patterns of behavior, but the other party is a variable that has a large effect on the dynamic of the relationship. What a healthy bpd relationship looks like, though, is open honesty, trust, care, understanding, communication, patience, clear boundaries, and thoughtfulness.

I would offer more sage relationship advice but this is very long as is and has taken awhile to write. However, i have the privilege of having been in therapy for a long time, and I recently became much more enlightened about mental health and relationships. If you ever have any other questions I gotchu 🤙🤙

yikes, having actual connections with and being emotionally open and vulnerable around another human being is a wild trip

(im the anon who asked abt diagnoses) same goes for me, i recognise all the symptoms of bpd and its also negatively impacting my life. i just want answers u know :( i just wish someone could help me cause ive been feeling like this all my life

I know what you mean. I would say try to get a second opinion if you're able. Good luck my dude ^^

hi! do u know at what age borderline can be diagnosed? im 18 and i recognise almost every sign of bpd in myself. so do my parents and doctor. my doctor says im basically “too young” to be diagnosed with bpd, how did this process happen with u? (u can private message me too if u want) thank u :)

Yeah that's pretty confusing to me, I don't know if the diagnostic criteria changed or what but that doesn't sound right :/ typically, only adults (18 or older) can be diagnosed with BPD, though there are more severe cases in which people can be diagnosed earlier. I myself was diagnosed when I was fifteen and a half years old, as I met the diagnostic criteria almost completely and it was negatively impacting every aspect of my life.

hello! i am the bipolar 1 anon who sent the panic attack ask. thank you so much for responding! im getting more accomodations and aid soon, you really helped a lot. i have another question! are FPs exclusively a bpd concept? or is it more or less in the realm of personality disorders/mood disorders? im wondering if this one person i know is my fp, or is just someone im really really attached to (im embarrassed to say that my parents told me that i look obsessive, my friends disagree) so idk ;~;?

I'm so glad to hear that what I said helped you so much and that you're getting better treatment now!! Congrats my dude 😊 I'm not one hundred percent sure if fp's can occur in other types of disorders, but I would definitely say it's a possibility, especially for other personality and mood disorders

hey you idk who else to ask bc i feel like it’s a stupid question but i have bpd and i want to know if i still have a personality or rather if it’s possible for someone with bpd to actually have their own personality? because all the things i thought were characteristics of my personality are symptoms

It's not a stupid question ! I used to wonder about it myself, honestly. People with BPD do still have personalities, it just isn't easy for them to identify, and sometimes it's hard for others to identify due to splitting. It can feel like personality traits are just symptoms, but that could also be because those symptoms aren't being tended to well enough. I live with my parents because I'm legally incompetent and can't sustain myself, and recently we were looking at moving rather far away. My instant reaction was a result of my symptoms, which was to be afraid of change and panic about it. But when I worked through that anxiety I got really excited about the possibility and remembered how much I always used to love adventure and new experiences before the disorder. That's a part of my personality that was always there, it was just dormant and hidden by my symptoms.

There are a lot of variables, and not everybody deals with or experiences BPD in the same way. But you do still have a personality and identity, even if you can't see it

hey there, what r panic attacks like? i been officially dx'ed with panic disorder for a year now along with moderate bipolar 1 but my mom said i dont have either of them. for a while i believed her, thinkin i was misdiagnosed bc people say panic attacks make u feel like ur about to die but idk what that feels like bc im stupid. just today, after pacin profusely, i bawled, breathed rapidly + shallow, & "refused" to speak. i felt physically trapped. is this a panic attack? it lasted a few minutes.

Definitely a panic attack, mine have been like that before. I tried to answer this ask awhile ago but Tumblr mobile didn't let it post and then I was overwhelmed because I had written so much.

Basically, what i think summarizes panic attacks pretty well is that it's being in a state where you're so freaked out by something that you lose touch with reality and your brain stops reacting like it should. For me personally the biggest thing when I'm having a panic attack is that I'm stuck in my head and I can't get out, and that's a scary place to be. I generally feel unsafe and like i can't make myself safe again. I lose all rational thought patterns and can only act on instinct or not at all.

One major thing I've noticed is that panic attacks vary in severity and symptoms depending on the situation and where I'm at. Some panic attacks are sitting in class and holding my breath, fighting tears, trying to stop the room from spinning, some are staring off into space in public until I'm alone and then completely falling apart and shutting down, some are crying, screaming, hyperventilating, fighting the urge to harm myself and being unable to stand, speak, or think. Just to name a few examples. And they can last from a few minutes to a few hours depending on my surroundings.

im struggling w episodes of just complete bpd anger at the moment, is this something u have ever struggled with?? if so, do you have any advice?

It is ! What I do is i try really hard to find something that'll let me get my aggression out without harming myself or anyone else, or being domestically violent. A few simple examples could be punching a pillow, scribbling really hard on paper, tearing up paper, bubble wrap, burning things, or hitting a piece of furniture with an empty bottle :D

If you have a good place to yell where you won't bother anyone, yelling is always good for the soul. Just shouting into the void, I find it really burns out that flame of pure rage

I am one more fucking tragedy away from completely snapping,

What does fp mean?

Favorite person - somebody a borderline individual is emotionally dependent on

I have severe mood swings, I believe that ppl who care about me are faking, my mood swings affect my relationships severely, I push ppl away &refuse to talk bc I think they hate me, when I get mad at my gf I push her away &suddenly feel horrible &cry for hours, I dissociate a lot, &I constantly feel empty or extreme emotions.What do you think?Is this serious?Do you think I have BPD?What should I do?I'm so lost and confused.Its has been happening more. If it helps, I'm 14 & a rising Junior in HS.

This is definitely serious, but not necessarily BPD. Minors are very rarely diagnosed with BPD because a lot of the symptoms can come from the hormonal imbalances caused by puberty, and personally I've only really seen minors as young as 15 be diagnosed as borderline. It isn't out of the realm of possibility, but it definitely isn't certain. It could also be something else, like bipolar disorder or autism. You should definitely talk to a parent/guardian about seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist and look into getting mentally evaluated. When talking to anybody about it, especially mental health professionals, remember that you know better than anybody else what's going on inside your head. Nobody can tell you that it isn't serious or that it's made up. And if you're self aware enough to notice the abnormalities in the way you function and seek treatment without needing guidance, that's already a really good sign of how well you understand how you should be working. Don't let anyone try minimize your issues. It isn't a doctor's or a guardian's job to judge whether you're smart enough to know what's wrong with your mentality, it's their job to help you find the root of problem and neutralize it.