Copia: I was walking a friend home last night, and I mentioned to her that I’m quite oblivious about when someone likes me. I said “someone could smack me in the head and I wouldn’t know they were into me.” She then smacked me in the head, and I responded with “Ow! What the hell was that for!?”

Terzo: I mean, to be fair, you did specifically tell her that wouldn’t work.

Secondo: I’m sick of living in this satirically dark multiverse! How do I force my consciousness to shift to a sane timeline? Aether: You have to buy a banana with exactly 112 spots. Then, on a Friday at exactly 3:33 AM GMT, go to your bathroom naked from the waist down with the exception of a real leather belt. Stare yourself in the eyes as you eat the banana. Then, force a two second fart; it should have no odor. You’ll know you made the shift successfully if you exit the bathroom, and within 4 minutes, you hear a helicopter and a passing 2002 Toyota Camry playing “Muskrat Love” by America on the street.

Dew: Ladies, what would you do if, say, you went to a funeral with a guy you’ve been kinda seeing for a little while, and let’s say he got up to be a pallbearer, but the casket was too heavy and he caused everyone to drop it?

Swiss: Anyone know where I can buy a long spoon? Like, I want all the dimensions to be the same, but with a handle that’s, like, two feet long.

Young Sister Imperator: I’d like to thank whoever told the boys that when they lie, their eyes change color. Now, whenever they’re lying, they close their eyes, and my job just became a whole lot easier.

Terzo: Don’t you just love that mental disorders are basically buy one get seven free?

Primo: I didn’t even want the first one! Dad made me get it!

Secondo: Mine was a family heirloom from my mother passed down for generations.

Hey all! Come Friday night, I'm going to be out of the country and unable to access Tumblr for 3 weeks. Ain't no way I'm paying the exorbitant amount they want to charge for internet access there; this trip alone was really hard to scrape up the money for without paying for unnecessary luxuries. Just wanted to let y'all know what's up when I go quiet for an abnormal amount of time. I'll get right back on it as soon as I get home though! Thanks in advance for understanding!

Copia: Good luck sending me mixed signals. I don’t even understand the direct ones!

Rain: Does anyone else go out with people and feel like their friend is some local politician that knows literally everybody, and you’re just their weird mute friend who just left the house for the first time in 8 years and is learning how to smile again, or is it just me?

Aurora: Self-discipline is hard because I’m the boss of me, and that gal runs a real loose shipwreck.

Copia: I really need Netflix to stop asking me if I’m still watching and start asking if I’ve switched the laundry over yet.

TJ Maxx Cashier: Did you find everything alright today?

Swiss: *unloading a full cart* I wasn’t looking for ANY of this, but here we are.

Secondo: The word “daddy” has been so sexualized my kids are gonna have to call me “bruh” or some shit.

Dew: *leaving a review for a restaurant* 3 out of 5 stars. I got stabbed here. The food was fresh, the drinks were tasty, but I did get stabbed. May consider coming back.

Secondo: The Struggle Bus really should have a loyalty rewards program… 

Copia: I second that emotion!

Sister of Sin: I need Feminism because when Jesus did a magic trick, it’s a goddamn miracle, but when a woman dared to do one, she was burned at the stake.

Primo: I mean, to be fair, they did kill Jesus too; that was a pretty significant thing that happened. I understand where you’re coming from, and I do agree, but they very much did kill Jesus.

Rain: *enters a creepy old shop* Oh wow! This shop has everything my heart desires! Spooky Shopkeeper: Yes. I will warn you though… Every item comes with a price Rain: Yeah, I know how shops work. Spooky Shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay… Rain: I’m familiar with US sales tax too. Spooky Shopkeeper: *increasingly exasperated* I’m trying to tell you that I’m evil and selling these wares with no regard as to the harm they might do! Rain: *also increasingly exasperated* Yes! I know what Capitalism is too!