Last Seen Blogs
holditbitch
YellowBloodCell
seasonofthewitch06
Faith, Trust, & Pixie Dust ✨
qtepasacalabaza
zzucchini
littledemon55
Little Demon
Text
You took the time to bury your promises
I took the time to bury myself
Half a mind to keep moving forward
Burning thought to wither away
Time was never meant to be easy
And this earth never was meant to be fair
Mine is just one more heart broken
In the millions floating away
I wasn't ever the strong one
Just swallowed tears til I could hide away
Every word, every thoughtless action
Has forever been weld to my brain
I'm always the one to "let it go"
Always the one to break alone
All this pain, all this weight on my shoulders
Has just been sinking my soul
How am I meant to let you go?
When you're the last thing I've got
This time I was only strong for you
If you're gone I won't pull through
(shh)
Time was never meant to be easy
And this earth never was meant to be fair
Mine is just one more heart broken
In the millions floating away
How am I meant to let you go?
Time was never meant to be easy
And this earth never was meant to be fair
Mine is just one more heart broken
In the millions floating away
All I wanted is for you to stay
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
What are living beings to hope for? A death void of unnecessary pain? Most of us won't get that and I can't shake the thought that to procure such an end I might have to seek it actively. To ensure it.
Why later rather than now if there's no better future to hope for? No dreams to be made possible, no happiness to make myself hopeful. The only stop is the hurt I'll leave and the fear that's been a constant in me. But then again: why would the short-term pain of others be more important, more meaningful, for a decision than my own lifelong pain? The fear is all that remains.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
She is just sad.
The light has run from her eyes, now only tears shine.
Her energy depletes as a broken battery,
Most goes into faking smiles, distracting laughs, crazy thoughts.
They laugh at her words but she is thinking of death, her own.
She wants everything to stop, she feels weak, unsteady, a live wire.
She is just sad
And she can't see a future anymore,
She wants to let go, but she is attached by guilt.
Little remains of what once was her.
Nobody understands so she's alone,
Battered by the things she cannot do, cannot be.
Her own thoughts.
She's hanging by a thread and no one knows
1 note
·
View note
Text
Can the world stop spinning?
Just stop spinning
Cause I'm not dealing
With this well, I need to stop
Can you make this stop now?
I took all this time to settle down
I took all this time I've lost it all now
Clock ticking faster, it ticks slower
Never quite in time
And I can't stop thinking
stop thinking now
Can the world stop spinning?
Just stop spinning
Cause I'm not dealing
With this well, I need to stop
Can you make this stop now?
I watch joy, I watch them laugh
And I'm happy, but I'm sad,
I don't fit with 'em anymore
Can't make me shine on my own
There's no future, no past
This moment won't last
Where I'm I?
Where I'm I now?
Can the world stop spinning?
Just stop spinning
Cause I'm not dealing
With this well, I need to stop
Can you make this stop now?
I'm down again, I'm drowning
Everything moves still, it's maddening
Can you just make it stop hurting now?
Every breath too much, too fast
Knees giving, hands shaking
Can I go back? Can I go back?
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I just wanna be loved. For me. But what's in me to be loved? What's in me that deserves it? I can't find a thing. If I was another I would not love me, so how could they?
I'm not that bad. That is true. But, I'm not good either. I'm in the middle, and all I can think about is that verse from the Bible that says that God will spit the 'middles' out of his mouth. And I feel as if I had been spitten. A splatter in the ground, meaningless. Kicked around and stomped on, and now I'm a dried stain. Useless, unwanted, disgusting. A waste of space, time, resources.
Sometimes I get the overwhelming feeling that I want to stop breathing, not to die (necessarily), but to stop using air. Stop eating the food that others deserve more. Stop being, because others will make better use of my organs. Just stop, because I'm not worthy of existing.
And in these moments of shame and regret, it is not enough to die, but I wanna erase my whole existence. Erase the memory of me, the hurt that I caused, the time that I stole. Stop any pain my death might have caused. And just cease to have ever been.
Such is my paradise, oblivion.
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Take one step forward, three steps back
Lift my head and they whack me down
I take every word like a knife to the back
Every time I break there's a piece never found
I don't remember how it feels to be whole
Realizing no longer wanna grow to be old
Every friend not around, they're just gone
Every day a struggle, I'm faithless, I'm lost
I keep my head up
Keep pretending
That everything is fine
That I am not breaking
I don't know anymore
Who is it helping
The signs of trouble
Neon lights blinking
Too blatant there
For everyone to see
But nobody here
Is looking at me
0 notes
Photo
:)
Endless gifs of Harry smiling (9/∞)
Falling: Love on Tour Houston (23/11)
949 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm so alone
So scared
In despair
I'm falling
I'm breaking
I'm shaking
Where did everybody go?
I'm amazed
How no one cares
I'm I so little
So nothing
To be loved?
I'm I not worthy of it all
Trembling
Breaking
Dry sobs
Broken voice
Feel so silly
So overtly dramatic
So entirely pathetic
I'm hopeless
I'm broken
I'm longing
There's nothing
To bring me back
To make this last
Help me face my past
I wanna move on
I wanna be strong
I'm not
I'm not
I'm drowning
Will you find me?
Will you weep?
Will you miss?
Why are you not here
Now
Now
I need you now
Will I see you on the
Other side?
I'll go first for the ride
I wonder
If you'll find me
If you'll want me
I'll be waiting
Where the sun again
Shines
I'll wait for it to shine
Tearing in the dark
Watching life fly by
This moment isn't worth it
The next one just like it
The world keeps spinning
And I'm spinning out of control
My mind shattering
Every single wall
The dam's been breaking
One more stone
To lose control
I'll go where the light is
I'll go where my mind sleeps
I'll watch you shine from the fire
From the pain of my every desire
...
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
Can I vent here? Can I use this corner of the web to pretend somebody gives a shit about me? I have nothing and no one, I'm drowning in a void. I have no right to feel this way, but all other feelings are gone, there's just sadness, and numbness, and longing.
I will never be worthy of anything I desire. I will never be a person I can be proud of. I will never stop feeling this way. Unworthy, useless, worthless.
I want to be done.
1 note
·
View note
Text
love him laughing! ♥
for serotonin boosting purposes: giggly jensen
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
The Aftermath
-1-
"Fuck, this is boring" Dean mumbled to the open field and drank his cold beer. He was leaning on the Impala parked on the side of the road. He'd been in heaven some months now, and already he had traveled through heaven's version of the U.S. twice now, but without the things that go bump in the night, without Sammy, and without Cas he felt kind of pointless and ...lonely. He wasn't though, not really, he regularly went to mom and dad's, and Bobby's, and to Ellen and Jo's, and to other people that were already there, but the place certainly lacked something. The most emotion he'd gotten was when he fought his way into Angel's HQ looking for Cas and Jack, he didn’t find them so he coerced a couple of angels to regularly inform him about how Sammy was, and whatever little they knew about what Cas and Jack were up to.
He closed his eyes and prayed aloud "Cas, man, I know you're busy with Jack and... stuff... but if you could come by sometime, just to let me know you're okay, just for a second... come on, buddy, I'm at highway XX at the XX marker", he finished his beer much slowlier than needed and climbed into the car, with his head on the steering wheel, he waited.
Every day he prayed to Cas, he told him what was going on with the family, or what he was up to, a memory from the good old days, or a random thought, and where he was, always where he was... just in case. Sometimes he was angry, demanding, sometimes he was almost pleading, the sadness and loneliness seeping out in his words, but he never talked about Cas's last moments on Earth, he couldn't talk about that, wouldn’t even think about that. He usually also sent a little prayer to the kid, some stupid story to make him laugh, or a memory of the few they shared, those prayers were shorter and easier, left him feeling a bit lighter.
Every day he had no answer.
When enough time had passed he snorted, turned the key, and started off. Some miles ahead he turned on the stereo, Metallica started playing loudly, but he wasn't singing along, his face was tight, jaw clenched, his soul felt heavy, hope was a bitch that got him every time. "Hello, Dean", a voice strained through the music. The car swiveled left then right crazily fast as Dean forced control over the steering wheel. "Cas" he breathed out.
Hastily he thrust the car to a stop on the side of the road and threw himself to the angel on his side, "Cas, finally!", he said and held on tightly, the angel returned the hug awkwardly, "I've been praying to you. Everyday! Where have you been?", he said when he finally let go, his relief had morphed to fury now. The angel looked sheepish, "I know. We've been working. It's taking longer than expected", Cas's eyes diverted to the back seat and he followed his gaze, "Jack!", Dean said and put a gentle hand on the boy's head, "I've been praying to you, too", the boy smiled, "I heard you, you made me laugh", his smile was as wide as ever, but there was something else there too, something heavy, concern? Dean wondered. "Ok, what's up?", he asked, "what do you mean?", Jack’s confusion was blatant on his face, he was a god now but in many ways, he was still just a kid, their kid. He looked at Cas, "you are not here on a social call, just tell me what’s going on", Dean's voice was serious now, back to business, his eyes half-rolled, but there was the faintest shadow of a smirk on his face, he was glad to be needed and even more glad to see them. Finally.
Cas lifted his hand and snapped his fingers, "what the hell, Cas?", Dean said, but then he noticed where they were, the bunker, "Sammy?", his voice was low, longing, then louder as he stood up from his chair, looking around, "Sam!", "He is not here, Dean. We are in heaven still", Dean swirled to face Cas, "Where is him? Where is Sam?", "He is on a vampire case in Atlanta, he is fine. This is not about Sam. I- I thought a familiar place would be better", "Better for what?", Cas looked at Jack, then again at Dean, "As you know, heaven is short on angels at the moment. We've been trying to bring them back from the empty", now Dean was pissed, "Come again? You want to resurrect those assholes who wanted me and my brother dead? And you and Jack, they wanted you dead too, Cas!", "Not all of them, Dean", "Yeah? Like who?", Cas looked at Jack and then down to his hands before sitting down and answering, "Balthazar, Hannah, Samandriel, Gabriel, Michael,...", Cas said and Dean started to understand, they were the closest Castiel had to angel friends, he must be feeling guilty for their deaths, suddenly, Cas lifted his head and gazed at Dean, the fuck? Dean thought. Cas was staring at him meaningfully, but the message wasn't getting through, after a few seconds of silence, Cas said, "Anna".
Dean tried to hold Cas’s stare questioningly, but the angel stood up and walked toward a bookcase. After an uncomfortable while, Jack said, "Can you help us?", looking at each of them in turn. Damn, he'd forgotten the kid was there. “What? uh, I, uh, what can I do about this?”, he looked at Cas for the answer, but he was still leaning with his hand on a bookcase. “We can’t get in”, Jack said. He explained that he was no longer able to get beings out of The Empty, nor enter it himself. He didn’t even know if he was able to wake them. The Empty must have done something to block him since he got Castiel out. “I want to ask Chuck about The Empty”, he finished, “You what?”, Dean was exasperated, this was not what he intended when he asked them to come by, “I told you it’s a bad idea”, Cas said finally. “But he doesn’t have powers anymore, he can’t do anything to us”, Jack said, it was clear he’d already had this argument with Cas, “And what makes you think that he will help us? He can trick you. He will trick you”, “That’s why we need you, he won’t be able to trick you, and I can make him talk, he’s human now, humans talk”, “You will not do that!”, Castiel and Dean said at the same time, “That’s not who you are, Jack”, Cas added, “You won’t ever do that!”, Dean said and stalked out of the room.
Without thinking, he went to baby, he was so used to the quiet of the road he craved it whenever something rubbed him the wrong way, but he’d waited so long for them to come by, he wasn’t leaving. He walked back inside, directly to his old room, everything was the same. He wondered what had Sammy done with his things. Had he given his room to another hunter? Somehow he doubted that. Maybe he took it for himself, it would be a mess by now. The thought brought a smile to his face. He laid on his memory mattress and closed his eyes. The thought of Jack torturing someone was disturbing but silly. Jack wouldn’t do that, he probably wasn’t even talking about that, it was just Dean’s own experience that had made him angry, the shame of the kid finding out about it. He should go talk to them, he decided, but in a while, he’d missed this bed.
Thoughts came by unbidden now. The awkward way Cas hugged him back, the pointed look, the way he said “Anna” and immediately walked away, what was that about? Was it- was it jealousy? He hadn’t allowed himself to think about Cas’s words before The Empty took him, but they were there, in the back of his head, “I love you, Dean”, he’d said, what did that mean, exactly? Cas had said those words before, to them when close to death, but that time it had felt different. He tried to remember, the exact words, “happiness isn’t in having but in being, in saying it, I love you, Dean”, and The Empty had been summoned because Cas was finally happy because he loved Dean and told him. Nope! No! That wasn’t it. He meant something else and was too ‘Cas’ to explain it properly and Dean too dumb to get it. It must have been something else. Not that. Not that. “Dean”, a soft voice called from the door, and Dean jumped so hard he nearly fell off the bed.
“Dean, I’m sorry. Were you sleeping?”, how long’s he been standing there? can he read my mind? does he know? “Eh, uh, I, no, I, no, I was thinking… about Jack and Chuck and all that”, “Ohh. Are you ok? About hell - Jack, didn’t mean to- he doesn’t know the details”, “I know, Cas, it’s fine, I’m fine, I’ll come out in a moment. We’ll figure it out”. Cas seemed to analyze him for a bit and decide he was fine, “There’s something else”, he said and looked at the floor, “Can I come in?”. “Uhm, yeah, yeah, come in, Cas”. He shut the door and sit on the bed next to Dean, “What’s- What’s up?”, “Dean, I’ve been struggling with this for a while. The reason why I’ve been avoiding you is that I am ashamed”, Dean swallowed hard, here we go, damn it, “I’ve failed you, Dean, I’ve failed Jack. I’ve been trying to help him figure out how to restore heaven but I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t want to become what I was the last time I failed you”, what? “What?”. “You know the things I did, Dean, when I took God’s place, I told Jack everything, but he says it’s not the same. He says that’s not what I’m doing and who I am anymore, but I- I don’t know. What if he’s wrong?”
At that moment his heart broke for Cas. He sat up and put his hand on Cas’s back. He’d known that he regretted the things he had done, but he never knew how deep his actions had affected him and shattered his confidence in his own decisions. Cas feared a bit of power would corrupt him again. “Cas, no. You always wanted what’s best for heaven. Even if you made some mistakes along the way, Jack’s right, you are not that person, uh, angel, anymore, the fact that you’re worried about it, proves it”, “I don’t know if I’m making the right choices, teaching him the right things”, “You are, Cas, you are good and you want to do what’s right, and Jack’s the same way, that’s why he chose you in the first place”. Cas lifted his head and looked at him, he’d never seen the angel so human, he had the impulse to hug him but settled for some pats on the back. “Thank you, Dean”, he said and left.
#supernatural#jackles#misha#dean winchester#deancas#jensen ackles#jack kline#castiel#misha collins#destiel#fanfic
8 notes
·
View notes