I’ve noticed that I only come here when i feel so alone that the internet is the only one i can tell my problems to. I have people. I have friends. But i feel like none of them truly understand me. They don’t understand the hellscape that is my head. It’s one of my “friends” birthday and while i’m happy I did whatever I could to make her have a good day, I know it won’t be reciprocated. Here I sit, alone in my friends house. Crying. Because today has been too hard. And i’ve felt like an inconvenience every step of the way. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I don’t want to be anything anymore. I wish i could just fade into the lull of life and be forgotten by everyone around me. I appreciate the fact that if I were to die now, my funeral wouldn’t be empty. Maybe appreciate isn’t the right word. Comforted? I’m not sure. But what I am sure of? I wasn’t made for this world, for this era. I am too soft. Too malleable. A single word from someone can shift the way I view myself in a instant. I need help. I know I do. But there’s no fix for what’s wrong with me. No pill I could take to “magically” make the pain go away. I just suffer. I must suffer. Tonight a friend told me that I’m too nice. Little does she know that if I stopped being “too nice” I wouldn’t be nice at all. I wouldn’t help at all. I always do things for others, at the expense of my own happiness I give people rides, when I’d rather be in bed. I give people money, knowing I’m disabled and have no income. I give people advice, knowing that I am the one who needs advice. I give a shoulder to cry on, but there’s no one for me to cry to. I give my all, and I get nothing in return. And I’ve come to terms with that. I’ve accepted it. But sometimes? The reality of my sad, miserable existence hits me like a ton of bricks. Like tonight. So as I sit on the floor or my friends apartment, tears running down my face, I know that no one will ever go as hard for me, as I for them. I know no one will ever love me, like I love them. Maybe that’s my purpose. Maybe I am here, and I only exist to serve others. That’s how i’ve felt my whole life. That I am just a stepping stone for people to use to get to where they truly want to be in life. That I am the one who teaches them how to love, so they can go love another. So they can go befriend another. And use the skills I taught them, with the purpose of them loving me better, to love someone else better. I’m just rambling at this point but I really wish someone could spend a day inside my head and understand how deeply I feel e v e r y t h i n g. Nothing is minor to me, and the major things? They feel larger than life. Completely and utterly consuming. Part of me wants to quit. Wants to throw in the towel and be one with the earth. But a small part of me is screaming out, pleading with me to keep going. It tells me that there is more to life than this pain I’ve felt for the last 21 years. I hope it’s right. By the Gods, the sun, the moon and the stars i hope it’s right. I hope all this pain and suffering hasn’t been for nothing. It can’t have been for nothing. There has to be some purpose here. A message, some meaning, just something that shows me that all of this was worth it. because right now? it doesn’t feel worth it.

wow. can’t believe that I’m here right now. this blog was honestly forgotten about. its been 3 years. and a lot has changed. i honestly think that the only reason i’m back is beacuse i feel alone again. and weirdly telling my problems to strangers on the internet makes me feel less alone. like maybe someone out there is listening and cares how all of this ends. where do we start?

i guess we can start with the realtionship to get that out of the way. so i was with iman. it was a rollercoaster. things were so good before we officially got together. honestly i say that but the whole realtionship was built on my fear that he would leave me again. once that fear was gone, it turned into me feeling stuck and unloved. from the beginning people told me to not go out with him but i didn’t listen. i never listen. we started dating in november of 2020. that’s when he finally asked me out. in december we both got academically dismissed from our college. my home life was toxic at the time so moving back didn’t seem like an option. so i got an apartment in my name and he moved in with me. it was fine in the beginning but things turned sour fast. i was working for a maid company and it took him a long time to find a job. the honeymoon phase was over. real life was starting. and i was working 8-10 hours a day and then having to come home to a “dirty” apartment full of unpacked boxes. to add insult to injury, most days he just sat at home doing nothing while i was working. eventually, he got a job and i got a new job. but still things weren’t good. i was now working better hours and woking from home but it was 10000x times more draining. getting yelled at on the phone for 8 hours a day by rich people because they wanted to go on vacation sucked. but it was good money and the job he had barely contributed. but we made it through. the finacial struggles really hurt our realtionship. i was resentful because no matter how hard i worked, we always sturggled because he wasn’t working enough. and then i got sick. II was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis when I was 16 and stress sends me intobad flare ups. and thats all that my life was. stress. my falre up started in augst of 2021. i had to go on medical leave from work which resulted in me having to quit in december after being hospitalized for the second time. Eventually, i started having problems with my heart and joints. I was diagnosed with a few other chronic illnesses. My doctors theorize that because my Ulcerative Colitis was so bad for so long, it affected/damaged other parts of my body. so then i was 19, with no job, and iman had started being responsible for all the bills. he tired really hard but he just couldn’t get a handle on it. Our relationship was so up and down at this point. things would be good for a little bit but then we’d fall back into being short with eachother. i started to feel like i’d never be good enough and that we would never be happy again. i was crying constantly and in the lowest mental state i had been in, in a very long time. panic attacks every other day and i didn’t know how to fix it. but i stayed until june of 2022. i had so much faith in our realtionship but it was misplaced. i should’ve been putting all that effort and love into myself instead. but in june i left for a fmily renunion and the space away from him and being around my family made me realize that i needed to get out. so i asked my mom about moving back in with her. me being out of the hosue for a few years really helped our realtionship. so after the family reunion i went back for 2 weeks and packed some stuff.while i was there, my mom called to let me know that my uncle bruce had passed away. it broke my heart. i was 20 at tis point and at the family reunion i got to hang out with everyone for the first time as an adult and really get to know them. my whole life i loved and adored all my great uncles but eing around them as an adult changed everything. the love i feel for them now is what i imagne the people who say family is everything mean. so being able to drink with him and really talk to him and then him passing away two weeks later broke me. his funeral was hard. i cried almost the whole time. but my family is beautifl. it was a beutiful service. and the party we had afterwards to celebrate his life was even better. i got to meet one of his sons that i never met and now that boy is my heart. i love talking to him and he makes me feel so seen and heard with my queer identity. (oh yeah still non binary if you were wondering.) we got bracelets at the funeral and i haven’t taken it off. it says help someone today. he was always helping people. he even sent me money because of me being sick and not being able to work. rest in peace uncle bruce.

i moved back home after the funeral. it was hard at first but evntually it got easier. my confidence skyrocketed. i feel like the prettiest mf on this planet. idk if its bc im mentally unwell but i literally am in love w myself. i’ve also been getting a lot more attention. idk if its the confidence but the men r coming from left snd right. its pretty wild if u ask me. no girls though which is kinda wack but i guess thats the nice thing abt being bisexual. more options. when i first moved home i was talking to my ex caleb. but i wanted it to be just me and him and that wasn’t happening. so i moved on. i started talking to his friend chris. it was a short little fling but it was fucking crazy. he did his girlfrind bogus over me and i was fine with it at first. they say hurt people hurt people. and that what i did. idk her but if u ever read this im sorry. no one deserves what he put u thtough even if yall weren’t doing good. and i’m sorry for my part in it. then there was kam. i liked kam but it was alway just as a friend. we had sex a few times and it really wasn’t for me. it was fun but idk sex with no feelings just doesn’t scratch that itch for me. and then he got me pregnant. i didn’t know i was pregnant. im on a lot of strong meds which pretty much made my birth control obsolete. but i had no clue. so i was till taking my birth control which caused me to miscarry. i wasn’t sure if i was actually miscarrying for a while but then i was positive. i had a misscarrige when i ws 15. i didn’t know it at the time but having one at 21 made me certain thats what happened back then. im lowkey terrified that i’m not able to have kids. it scares me everyday. and sometimes i think about getting pregnant on purpose but i push that thooght out of my head as quick as it comes. but fter the miscarrige i didn’t really wanna have sex with him anymore. that was too much truama to go through with someone who i wasn’t even tryna be with. and eventually he stopped hitting me up. which i don’t really care about but i do miss being his friend. after that i wasn’t really talking to anyone for a bit until zion popped up. i met Z in the 6th grade. I had just tranferred to emerson and he was a drum major. I immediatly liked him but he had a girlfriend. i may or may not have beat her up because she tried to say something to me about my crush on him. i was alittle crazy back then. but i transferrd and moved on. years later he transferred to my highschol and i was instantly falling for him again. but ntohing ever came of it. but now we’re grown. and im on him baddddd. i like him so much and we haven’t even been talking for long. i really want to be with him. and i haven;t felt this way in a while. i feel like a lovesick puppy. but thats enough for now. enjoy th typos. its almost 5 am and i’m not going to edit this lol

-M

posting from my phone again

i suck guys. i know. i keep disappearing. and i have no reason other than being mentally ill. my mental stuff is kicking my ass right now. and i’m trying so hard not to let it. everything in my life feels so out of my control and i hate it. i hate not being able to control what’s happening next. it’s killing me. i just want to be like everyone else. happy, in love, and content. but it feels like i’m never gonna get that. i don’t know. im so close to throwing in the towel. whatever.

I disappered again...

And here’s why. Life is a mess. I’m non-binary. And I’ve only come out to to 5 people. 3 of my friends, my therapist, and my sister. I always feel like people are going to judge me or think different of me but that hasn’t been my experince so far. Everyone other than my sister. She was kind of indifferent but it’s whatever. What else is new? Iman and I are at this weird stage where we aren’t together but we do everything that couples do. And the closer we get the more scared I get. I’m terrified that he’s gonna leave and that makes me wanna pull away but I don’t want to ruin it by doing that. I’m just trapped in my head all the time and its suffocating. I’m spiraling all the time and all I wanna do is sit alone in a dark room and cry. So that’s where i’m at right now. 

“ i understand now. it’s not our time. it never will be. we helped eachother grow and now it’s your time to go. thank you for watering me.”

-M 

Posting from my phone again...

It’s 12:46 and we just got off the phone. I’m a submissive. I’m submissive by nature and in my everyday life. It brings it out in me even more. He told me to go to sleep. I said no. I told jokingly him to go fuck himself. The. we talked about it and I said I would go to sleep after watching a 45 minute long comedy special. He told me to text him right before I go to sleep. I told him i was grown and i’ll go to sleep whenever I feel like it. But in reality, as soon as this movie is over i’m going to turn off my laptop and turn off my light. I’m gonna put on my pajamas and i’m going to go to bed. I’m not gonna text him because I don’t wanna give him the satisfaction but i am gonna listen. I’m a brat all day long but when it comes down to it I’m obedient. There’s 6 minutes left of the movie so that means 6 minutes of me being awake. I think im gonna watch tik toks until my time is up. Night night.

“I would give you the clothes off my back. I would give you the shoes off my feet. I’d give you all I have in the world, if it meant you’d stay with me.”

-M

I hate posting from my phone but it’s 2:52 in the morning and grabbing my laptop is not going to happen. This anonymous blog in my small corner of the internet is my diary. So dear diary, I need some guidance. Everything in my life is going amazing. I have a job interview in a few hours and a conference call with a company that I want to work for in the future on monday. Everything I want is falling into place and I’m so happy about it. But I have no one so share it with. Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I wouldn’t mind being alone all the time if i wasn’t so damn lonely. You want to know what I think the meaning of life is? Love. To love and to be loved. Humans are not made for this solitary life. I believe we all have a pair somewhere out there and it’s just a matter of time until we find them. So I impatiently wait until I find the second half of me. The missing piece. I can’t wait for that to happen. And I will accept all the hurt and pain that comes with it. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

It’s raining outside...

Did the universe feel my heart break? Because its pouring rain outside which matches my mood inside. I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m never pretty enough, never fun enough, never skinny enough. I do everything and give my all to people who wouldn’t give me a second glance. I deserve so much better. i just want to be loved. I deleted all my social media because all I did was look at his shit. it fucked with me. I genuinely want to be happy with or without him. I’ve been hurt so many times. When is it going to be my turn? I make myself to vulnerable and it just backfires. I let him in too much and now he’s intertwined into my life and i can’t get him out. When he eventually leaves me, it’s gonna rip me to shreds. He’s told me so many times that he’s not going anywhere but how can I believe him when I’ve heard that so many times before. So many people have said they wouldn’t leve but I look around and I’m alone. I just want to disappear. That would make me happy. If I have no one in my life, no one can hurt me. i don’t think i can take being hurt anymore. I let him in farther than anyone has ever gone. do you know how much i hate my body? I look in the mirror disgusted with myself every single day so the fact that he saw it kills me. It makes me want to throw up. I wish I could go back in time and not do it. Things wouldn’t be this complicated and my heart wouldn’t be aching this much. Have you ever been so hurt that you can’t cry? Because I can’t cry. I’m listening to sad songs as I write this and I just feel numb. I feel the pain in my chest but i can’t cry. it won’t come out. I did this to myself. I’m the only one there to blame. Why do i mess everything up? I shouldve just lied and said i didn’t like him at all and it would’ve been way less painful. Where do I go from here? Do I pretend that I am emotionless? Do I act like it doesn’t hurt me? Do I disappear? All I need is some guidance. Never mind about the not crying thing. The tears started coming finally. I’m ging to end this post before i say something I shouldn’t. Hope everyones doing better than I am during quarantine. 

I am confusion...

Right now Iman and I are on the phone and his mindless singing makes my heart swell. Im so confused and infatuated. Next semester we’ll be living in the same building and I can’t wait. I miss him so much and I feel like my hearts gonna break if I don’t see him soon. I can’t find words to explain how i feel. My emotions are to powerful and pure for words. I’d have to write a whole new dictonary to do that. So this is it for now. 

It’s been a while...

My blog seems abandoned. I haven’t written anything in a few months so let's go down memory lane. I'm gonna look through my Snapchat memories to give a more accurate description. Let's start in January. I got off of winter break and gladly went back to school. My first weekend back, I went to a party with Kyler and Abby. We went to this guy Iman’s apartment and got drunk. I met his roommates Jenny, Reece, and Hannah. That night I asked Iman to fuck but luckily he was too drunk and he said no. I also asked Kyler and this guy named Julius if they wanted to fuck. And this was after I gave them all lap dances.  I gave him my Snapchat as I was leaving and told him he better text me. That night I went home and passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow. For the rest of that week, I waited anxiously for him to text me. He did... a week later. He said hey and he apologized for not texting me sooner. Eventually, we started texting all day every day. He was the first person I talked too when I woke up and the last person I talked to before I went to sleep. He was always on my mind. I didn’t see him again for 2 weeks. The night of my school's homecoming dance he made a comment about going I said he should. I had no idea if he was really gonna show up. But he did. When he walked through that door, my heart dropped to my asshole. I looked good but he looked even better, even though his outfit was so simple. At the end of the night, he invited me back to his place and I obviously said yeah. I went back to my apartment, changed, and then walked over to his. I don’t really remember the night from what I do remember, it was fun. The next night, I came over again but I brought my roommate because one of his guy friends liked her. It was another fun night. We all drank and went to Meijer. We all walked around drunk as fuck and he picked out a bag of avocados for me because I couldn’t choose. We went back to his place and decorated cookies. I drunkenly tried to make an I out of sprinkles and it looked horrible. As soon as I handed him the cookie, he licked it and ruined the I. I wasn’t even upset in the slightest. For some reason it made my heart soar. Another week passed and we hung out again. he came over with his friends and we had a movie night. We watched a semi-scary movie which was hilarious because we talked about movies the night before and he told me how he didn’t like scary movies. Then he came over again the next night and we burned some love notes that my ex-girlfriend gave me. (Sidenote: He and my ex-girlfriend were roommates at one point and they messed around for a while.) It was therapeutic and I was so happy that I did it with him. That same night, we laid in bed talking and watching Tik Tok’. I read his tarot cards and they came back shockingly accurate. When he left, I cried because I missed him. I think it was because I was on my period but who knows. After that, I started to cry every time he left because I would miss him. a few days later he came over and we drank together and I told him that, so he started to call me every time he left so I wouldn’t be sad. After that, we started to hang out constantly. I mean like at least twice a week, sometimes every day. I started to let him in. I started to fall for him. Then tragedy struck. It was his birthday. The day started out amazing. My roommate and I made him breakfast and then we surprised him with a cake. It was a simple cake but it made him cry. and then I gave him the rest of his presents from me. After that, we sat around for hours until it was time to go to his place. Everything was great until I got a text from him. all it said was “Landin is coming”. Landin is the aforementioned ex-girlfriend. We aren’t on the best of terms so to know that she was coming wasn’t the best news. But it was his birthdays. Fast forward a few hours and shes there. The party going on and it's great. Then Landin asked if we could talk. I stupidly said yes and we went into a room. The conversation started off calmy but then we started screaming at each other and all I remember saying is “stop telling me you love me. Just let me move on and be happy”. I left the room crying and after I calmed down, I went and laid down in Iman's bed. After that things got weird. I apologized to him for that happening at his party and he said it was fine. Then later he told me that his roommate told him some things that I said during the argument because she was in there. Apparently, I told my ex to leave Iman alone and that I wanted him all to myself. That doesn't even sound like me so I highly doubt that I said that. But he didn’t know if it was true or not and that why he came to me. He told me that he didn’t like me like that and that he wasn’t looking for a relationship. It hurt my heart but I knew that he didn’t like me. I guess hearing it just solidified that for me. Weeks later we were still hanging out consistently. Every other day or so we were together. I tried making my feelings go away but they won't. My mom forced me to move back to my hometown because she thinks if I’m home I can’t catch the coronavirus. The day I left was heartbreaking. He came over and spent hours with me. I teared up a few times but I didn’t really cry. He gave me one last hug and as soon as he went to step out the door I broke down. I felt my heart break. He turned back around gave me another hug which made me cry even harder. And then he left but not before screaming I love you to me at the top of his lungs. My roommate hugged me as I cried and helped me take my stuff to the car. So yeah. That been my life for the last few months. Crazy, confusing, and heartbreaking but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I won't disappear again blog, I promise. 

I hate college...

I hate college so much. I fucked up my first semester and now my GPA is 1.28. But I’m gonna raise it. I refuse to let this setback ruin my experience. I’m so sad though. I was doing so good this semester and then I started to get sick. I have an autoimmune disease and it kicked my ass. I was too sick to make it to class sometimes. and all I did most days was lay in bed. After all that my depression started to go sicko mode. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t leaving my room, and I secluded myself. 

I’m doing better now but my course load was so heavy and I always felt like I was drowning. I used to spend 5+ hours in my dorm’s lounge doing assignments and that’s just for one class. I was so excited for college that I held myself to a super high standard and  I fucked myself over. But my roommate and I are both gonna work extra hard to raise our GPA’s and get our shit together. I’m always the failure of my family but I can’t be the failure again. I want to do good. 

Study Tips for Chronically Ill Students

Most bloggers aren’t writing for the chronically ill audience. Typical tips, tricks and hacks on productivity, motivation and studying just don’t work for us. As a chronically ill student who’s in her last year of undergrad (yay!) I decided to share what I have learned over the (many) years. 

1. Get comfortable. Seriously. Don’t force yourself to sit at your desk, or go out to a coffee shop to study. Most people will tell you not to lay in bed while you read your books but if you are anything like me, getting ready and driving to the library or Starbucks just takes too much energy. I recommend making yourself a nice set up with everything you need. If you can tolerate sitting at a desk don’t skimp out. Buy yourself a decent, ergonomic office or gaming chair. Make sure you have a drink, a snack, your medication, charges, books, and anything else you need within arms reach. The less you have to get up the more energy you are saving. 

2. Take frequent breaks. Okay, this may sound contradictory to tip #1 but hear me out. Everyone person is different, every body is different, and every day is different. Some days your symptoms are just so bad you need to get comfortable and try not to move. But other days you might be fighting brain fog and mental exhaustion. So get up, or even just stop and sit for a minute to rest your mind. Some days I will stop every few sections and get up to do something small like apply a face mask, go back to studying, and then get up in 15 minutes to wash it off etc. Just find what works for you.

3. Write shit down. Write everything down. And write it in multiple places. Again, brain fog is such a bitch, but writing things down multiple times in multiple places will help you remember. I have a paper calendar that I write all my assignment due dates, doctors appointments, and other important things onto, but I also have an assignment check list with all of my upcoming assignments in my notebook. Also, I keep a huge running list titled Never Ending List of Shit To Do with boring chores and tasks that need to be done like doctors to call, bills to pay, letters to mail etc; and I use that list to pick and choose what I’m going to do each day and fill that out on a sticky note or another small insert that serves as my daily to do list.

4. Establish a routine. But don’t be discouraged if you can’t follow it to a T and don’t be afraid to change it up. My routine changes a lot because my symptoms and body are constantly changing too. Also, it’s important to note that a routine is not the same as a schedule. This is important for those of us with chronic illness because its just not feasible to assume we will be able to get up at the same time every day, eat lunch at the same time every day, and study for the same amount of time every day.  

5. Stay (way) ahead of schedule. You never know what life is going to throw at you, especially when you are chronically ill. Unfortunately, we can’t plan our flares, but we can prepare for them. If you know you suffer from migraines that will knock you out of commission for 3 days then make sure you are always 3 days ahead of schedule. Something I highly recommend is doing a little bit every day, even if its only 20 minutes of reading. Of course, sometimes we need a break and that’s okay too! Self care is important!

6. Online classes are the best. So many people say online classes are hard because you have to be super disciplined, and that it’s easier to have the accountability to show up to class, but I highly disagree. Online classes give you the freedom to read when you want, listen to lectures when you want, sleep when you need to, and stay comfortable in bed when it would be impossible to get to class. I work solely online and if it weren’t for the option of online classes I would not be in college right now or anytime in the near future.

7. Audio is your friend. Honestly, this is a tip for everyone in high school or college out there. Sometimes we are too tired or in too much pain to stare at a book or screen, or sometimes we need to utilize our energy wisely and multitask by listening while we clean the house. And this isn’t limited to audio text books. There are so many YouTube videos, podcasts, documentaries and more that you can easily just pop on while you are resting or doing chores! I listen to my lectures while I do my nails every week.

8. Don’t rewrite your notes. Don’t write them at all if you can avoid it. Almost all of my professors supply chapter outlines or summaries that I can just print off and fill in extra notes on. If you do need to write your notes I suggest typing them, or only writing them out once, and only what is most important. Whatever you do, don’t rewrite them, and for the love of god do not waste your time trying to make them look like an Instagram photo. Ain’t nobody got spoons for that.

9. Try to balance your course load appropriately. If you are taking a full course load try to even out the number of upper division classes you take with some easy classes, as well as some boring and some interesting. Alternatively, don’t be afraid to drop classes and go down to part time, even if just for one semester. I have tried to stay full time all year round since I re-enrolled in school fall semester of 2017, but spring of 2019 my health took a drastic decline and I did drop down from 5 classes to 3. I also took summer of 2019 off to focus on my health and came back this semester (fall 2019) ready to rock and roll. Seriously, do not be afraid to drop classes. It felt like the end of the world when I did it, but it was absolutely the right choice for me. It saved my GPA and my sanity.

10. Talk to your professor. And your university, and your classmates, and your adviser, and anyone else around you who can offer resources and support. Every university and college  has a Disability Services Coordinator Student Center available to request accommodations. The information to contact the center should be listed on your syllabus and the school website. They can help with everything and anything disability related. And if you feel comfortable you should really talk to your professor. Just give them a heads up and inform them of what’s going on. As for your classmates, its always good to connect and find a study buddy or someone you can borrow notes from whether you have a disability or not! 

I really hope this list can help some fellow chronically ill students out there. This is what I have learned in my 5+ years of attending college with various chronic and mental illnesses. I truly live by everything I talked about in this post and I have been fairly successful in my academic career. Please re-blog this post to help a fellow student who may have a chronic illness or disability! Happy studying!

Goodbye 2019, Hello 2020

It’s 2020 now. That’s insane. I spent the night with my cousin Jamon and his friend Clarence. I used to hate Clarence. I thought he was a cry baby and immature but now I’m okay with him. I don’t have a problem with him. I didn’t want him to come over but I’m glad that he did. 

We also went and picked up Caleb and Chris so that we could take them to Bryce’s house. I wish we could've stayed at Bryce’s house and hung out with them but it’s okay. We had a good night. I’m really excited for this decade. 

My longterm plans for the next 10 years are to :

1. Graduate university

2. Start my career

3.Fall in love

4.Start a family

5. Move to Washington. (the state, not D.C.)

Who knows what’s in store? No one really. But I’m hopeful for the future. 

She likes me...

But she’s married and she has a kid. 

Last night, one of my old co-workers drunk texted me confessing feelings for me. I'm flattered but I don’t know what to do. I don’t think she’s actually gay. I refuse to be some straight girls experiment. Falling for straight girls who wanna test the waters is the bane of any queer person's existence. It happened last night and I genuinely don’t know what to say. It’s just been on my mind all morning. I mean obviously, I'm into her. She’s older, which I like, and she's really cool. But literally, nothing could come of this. 

As for today, nothing extraordinary happened. I went to Red Lobster with my family to celebrate my sister's graduation. I ate way too many crab legs. As soon as I stepped into the house, I peeled off my skin-tight dress and threw on a big T-shirt. I was supposed to hang out with this girl that I liked but then she said she was going to sleep. she took it back and said she was up but I had already told my mom nevermind. So now I’m lonely and in bed. 

As for me and my mind right now, I’m content. I’m exhausted and overly full but I'm okay. So that's it for today. Au revior. 

We went to the zoo...

and it was really fun. Usually, family outings are filled with annoyance and arguments but it wasn’t like that today. It was perfect. I took some amazing pictures of animals. 

I genuinely had an okay day. Love was always stuck on my mind like always. Angelica, a really cool girl, had liked a tweet that I actually wrote about her. She hopefully doesn’t know. Also, a girl that I have liked for years, named Rainbow, is who I’m currently on the phone with. 

Also, outside of the lovey-dovey things, there's a cool girl with a daily blog that I’ve discovered. Her blogs actually really cool and I like reading it. 

I definitely ate too much food tonight so I don’t have much to say. I just want to pass out and have another strange dream. 

I Cry Every Christmas...

And I hate it. I always feel hella ungrateful when everything is said and done but I never get what I want. I’m thankful for everything I got but I dead only wanted 3 things. Some good gloves because walking to class in freezing weather are horrible, some long johns because it's freezing outside and I have to walk to class and money for a new phone. That’s all I asked for. I got a whole bunch of make up stuff, candy (which I can’t eat), and a whole bunch of stuff I don’t want. I sound like a whiney bitch baby which is also annoying. I genuinely don’t like getting gifts because I spend all day pretending to be happy. 

One thing I learned in therapy is that I use anger to mask all my emotions. So we came up with a way to decipher the underlying emotion. I was angry all day but now I just know that its disappointment. I really just wanted those three things. Or at least one of them. But instead, I got a million things I can’t use. But I know that there are so many people who wish they could've gotten some of the things that I got. So I’m gonna be thankful.

I still might cry a little from frustration but I am thankful.