They should invent sleep that I can do. I got four hours and that was so not enough.

Yes, hi, hello, why is it so hard to stay conscious during the day????

I’m not even kidding, I swear if I just mildly comfortable for five minutes I pass right out and the intense fatigue I feel any time I’m awake makes doing absolutely anything even more of a challenge than it is or should be. There’s things I want to do with my time but I can’t because I’m using so much energy just trying to stay awake and still failing. I really don’t know what to do or how to cope with this.

So apparently

A busy week + weird weather + consistent bad sleep = horrible flare up

I hate chronic illness math.

We're finally starting to look into my sleep issues. I'm waiting for my local hospital to have an oximeter available so we can see how my oxygen levels are while I sleep. If that has any weird results the next move will be a sleep study. Woooo progress (I'm so tired of tests)

Feelings are weird. I’ll be thinking about or experiencing something and it’s like on the surface I have one reaction but then somewhere within me I have another, separate, completely different reaction? And I can never really tell why or where it’s coming from. And if I think about it too hard something happens that makes my brain go just… kinda fuzzy is the best way I can describe it. No idea what’s that’s about. Let’s just call it a trauma thing lol.

They should invent a jaw that doesn’t slip and click clack whenever I try to chew food. It huuurts.

I’m holding a knife up to my ADHD medication and anti depressant asking where the executive functioning is

Hi, I can’t sleep because of pain currently and I think if someone removed each of my muscles and did something to loosen them up that would be greeeeaaaat

Was having a pretty good day today and then the Pain(tm) started and now I can’t really move all that much. I’m… so hungry but it takes so much effort and energy just to roll over right now. I’ve gotta figure out something to do in the long term because this is just going to keep happening. Living alone while dealing with this stuff is so scary sometimes.

Every weekend I tell myself I’m gonna get stuff done on Monday and every Monday all I get done is laying down. I know I need to rest and stuff but I also… need to get other stuff done. And it’s just me who’s gonna get it done, I don’t have help. This is frustrating.

So I re-applied for disability late last year but hadn’t really heard anything from them in a while so I quite frankly: forgot. Cut to today where I’ve received a packet in the mail from them about a next step I need to do- a step that I didn’t make it to last time. I don’t know if this is a good, bad, or neutral sign for how it’s going but my stomach is in knots now. Granted my anxiety lately has been sky high so that does not help matters. Has anyone else been through this process? I don’t really have anyone to talk to about all of this.

So apparently I’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and my doctor just didn’t mention it to me??? Alright.

Soooo do we think it’s worth mentioning to my doctor tomorrow that I can’t hear of my right ear? This happens sometimes but usually not for very long. It’s been since Friday and usually it only lasts maybe five minutes. This ear SUCKS and is always having issues but… I don’t wanna see another specialist. I’m very tempted to keep this to myself and see if it resolves itself.

So I have a motor tic and it’s been so bad lately. Especially in public. I don’t really know the cause of it (my neurologist said they can “just happen” which… helpful) but I do know it started when I was 16. It drives me a little crazy and makes me feel like a robot that’s glitching. It also attracts a lot of attention which then makes it worse because that kind of attention really freaks me out. I don’t know anyone else with tics but I know they can’t be uncommon. I’m just kind of having a bad time and this is a really small part of it but I needed to get *something* off my chest and this is the lightest thing going on with me. This is just a ramble post really. But yeah… motor tics.

My therapist said she thought I have a really sharp memory yesterday and I had to laugh a little. Between the brain fog, dissociation, ADHD, and other trauma stuff it is spotty and inconsistent at BEST. But I will say- what I remember I *remember*.

What do you call the level of fatigue that deletes your anxiety because you simply do not have the energy to care?