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i am not
the christian god might be forgiving, and he might be merciful, but i am not. and i will not forgive them for what they did to me under their god's name.
#religous trauma#catholism#christanity#ptsd#tw#tw religious trauma#tw ptsd#i am angry#i am pissed#i am traumatized
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mental health reminder
you are allowed to be angry. i know i am. i am pissed off at the people who took me and turned me into this.
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wow
sometimes i look at my 13 year old sister and think 'wow'. she's so happy. she's a normal teenager. she's living a good life. and i am so happy for her. i just wish i couldve lived that way when i was 13 too. i cant remember it, but i know it wasnt good.
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mental health reminder
your trauma responses are not your fault.
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angry
i am so angry because i was destroyed before i got the chance to live. i was 12, 13, and 14. my life was forever changed by trauma before i even learned to drive.
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recovering documentation
this blog is another branch off of @ohmygodletmesignup (the other one being @amethyst-beetle ). i made this blog to document my process of recovering. i suppose this post will be my little introduction.
TW for mental illness, sh, and su!c!dal thoughts discussion
hi. i'm Calisto (Cal) or Beetle (Bee). i'm 16 years old and writing this on 4/2/2023 (or on april third if you give me a few more minutes). i'm currently trying to recover from depression, anxiety, and what i've been told is likely ptsd. i'm going to give an extremely watered down version of how i ended up with all those.
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basically, before 7th grade started (i was 12ish), my mom, sister, and i moved to a whole new place bc of a job offer my mom got. that meant i had to start a new school, and the only good schools in the area were private catholic schools. so i went to one. now i was raised some flavor of christian, so catholisim wasn't too bad for me (at first). but everything quickly went downhill.
i made one extremely toxic friend after two weeks of extreme anxiety, and she didnt help my mental health in the least. after about a year with her, i was constantly on the verge of having panic attacks. literally every single day.
then, in 8th grade, my school made an openly homophobic move. i was questioning my sexuality at the time, and this didnt help.
finally, at the end of 9th grade, we moved back to our old town where we still live today. i was 15.
finally i could actually be openly transgender (trans guy, he/him) and bisexual for the first time ever. my anxiety and depression disappeared so quickly it was shocking. but some things stuck, things i didnt even know.
it was mild at first- and i didnt even know anything was wrong. sometimes i would be walking down the hall of my new school and see someone who looked similar to someone at my old school. it would make me question things, and i wouldnt be able to figure out where i was. it was a pretty easy fix though, just a few minutes and i'd be fine.
then it got so much worse.
i was in choir, and it's a tradition we sing hallelujah every year (though since it was my first year there, i didn't know lol). so our director gives us the music, and just reading the words makes me start to bounce my leg (something that means im either energetic or anxious). then we started singing. and i couldn't handle it.
i started shaking, a lot, and i had to tell the director whilst on the verge of tears that i couldnt do it. he excused me and i spent the rest of class in another room just trying to calm myself down.
'you're safe' 'you're ok' 'you're safe i promise' is what i told myself over and over and over again.
during the concert when we got to that song, i was excused.
then my mom tried taking my sister and i to a christmas mass a few weeks later. i lasted five minutes before i had to go to the bathroom where i spent the rest of the hour sobbing through a panic attack, trying to convince myself i was ok.
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TLDR: catholic school, toxic friend, religious trauma
so that's what happened, now here's where i am.
i haven't hurt myself in over a year, maybe two now, and it's been at least a year since i've had a suicidal thought. i've found a lot of my triggers and can avoid them too, which is nice. i havent had a relgious trauma fueled panic attack in a while. i also have a therapist who listens to me.
i think it's also important i set some goals for myself too. and i think two are good for now.
write a post when i get unstable so i dont do anything bad
update this blog at least once every two weeks
i also want to make this blog for people going through the same things im going through now or went through. i promise it'll get better, and we can do it together.
#ptsd#mental health#another blog#vent kinda#tw#tw sh#tw su1cide#tw ptsd#religous trauma#we'll be okay#it gets better#tw anxiety#anxiety#tw depression#depression
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