For the love of art (or lack of)

​​I was supposed to see the Jonas brothers in Barcelona on May 25th but they postponed the show this week. They switched the date to September and God only knows where I’ll be in September after my visa expires in July (Buenos Aires, Barcelona, Ireland? Who knows). I grew up listening to the Jonas Brothers since I was 12 and now at 28 I was excited to see them again with the eyes of a full grown-up. Bought the tickets with my own money for the first time and was going by myself. Full grown-up shit. But they postponed the tour. Of course, this wasn’t the first time I was heartbroken and disappointed by this band. I spent a good 3 hours in 2013 crying on my bedroom floor while their albums played on repeat after they announced their break up. I don’t hold grudges but maybe I should. Maybe I should learn to not trust artists who care more about money than the art or their audience.

(Beautiful picture I took at 13 when I saw them live in 2009)

Has art always been like this? Who can sell more vinyl variants? Who can charge more for a 2-second meeting and a photo? Who can sell more designs with their face on it? Has art always been about…capitalism? Has art always been like this and I've been living in a naive state? Art is supposed to be about…art, right? About passion, sharing, community, and just art. Art is supposed to be what saves us in this capitalist society. Don't we rely on art to help us understand the current stay of society, or take our mind off it? Isn’t art supposed to be above capitalism? Isn’t art supposed to be what rebels against the status quo? 

I don’t know what’s art without money. I pay for Spotify, I buy concert tickets, I pay for museum tickets (unless you live in Barcelona and they are free on Sunday sometimes), I buy books, and pay for Netflix, HBO, etc (well my dad does).  There is no art without money and I get it. Because artists and the industry need to pay the bills like you and I. But have artists gone above all of this? What happened to artists and art? Is art ten versions of the same vinyl? Is art paying for a picture with the artists? 

(This one is from 2013, you can tell by the filter)

I’ve been getting worked up about the state of the art and capitalism for a while now. I don’t know if I’m more aware or if it has gotten worse over the years. I am not surprised about the Jonas Brothers because I’ve been watching it get worse and worse over the years. They are using the nostalgia the pandemic gave us to make the comeback and get more money. I agreed to it because I was feeling nostalgic and was happy to relieve my teen years for a few hours. But it feels fake. Because the naivety I had when I was 13 and didn’t know about capitalism and money is no longer there. I have grown up and seen that art is not about art. Music is no longer about enjoying a moment and doing what you love. It’s about how we can squeeze more money out of people and capitalize on nostalgia from them. It’s about moving a “silly” tour because they need time to do other stuff (and get more money, of course!). It’s about using that nostalgia to say: who cares! They’ll stay, pay money, and come to watch us play anyway if we move it! 

(so artistic)

I appreciate what they gave me in my adolescent days. They were the first band I truly enjoyed and became a fan for a really long time. But Lorde did say “Cause all the music you loved at sixteen, you'll grow out of”. And I am growing out of it. But I keep the young mentality of believing music is about music, and art is about passion. 

I don’t want a Louis Vuitton bag, they are ugly

I was sitting on the train reading and I had flashbacks to when I was in Newcastle. It was very early on Sunday and I wanted to try English breakfast, to get the hype. Of course, I am vegetarian so I needed a place that would have an alternative for me. I found a vegan place, family-owned. I ordered it and started reading. The guy came up to me and asked me what I was reading. We talked about David Foster Wallace. Back on the train, I had a panic attack.

I don't know why I thought about this. Was it because I missed the kindness of a stranger? I wanted to chat with someone about random artists. Was it because I wanted to go back to traveling around to go to concerts? 

I am trying to do things that make me happy but nothing really works. Nothing truly makes me happy anymore. I go outside and read. I go outside for a walk. I just have this feeling 24/7 that I am about to break down and cry. And I just don’t know why. A man told me to have a nice day this morning after he asked for the time. I appreciate it but I didn’t have a good day. I just felt like destroying myself. 

I watched this group of girls walking around with massive Louis Vuitton bags. How does one get there? How does one get to a life where spending an insane amount of money on a designer bag is fine? I don’t want a Louis Vuitton bag, they are ugly. But I just want to feel like them.

A letter to someone I haven’t talked to in months

I wanted to write something about how it is hard to create something (art?) that involves someone else and try not to hurt them. When you want to express yourself and how you feel but someone else is involved in the process. Instead, I wrote this: something very personal about one specific person in mind. I am sorry, but sometimes we just do.

I moved to Barcelona around 6 months ago. Remember how I told you I had applied for a master’s degree? I went to see the Japanese House in Newcastle, one of those bands that not a lot of people know, and you probably haven’t. And on my way, I stayed in Manchester. I really like Newcastle, not so much Manchester. I take the bus at 10 pm to get back from uni. I took the night bus at 4 am to get back from a friend's house once. Sometimes I take the metro late at night back from my brother’s. That’s kind of rare back at home, remember how much anxiety it gave me? It was my birthday two months ago. I don't know if you remember or just ignored it. I turned 28. It hurt, to be honest. It really hurt when you didn't even text me. It hurt to think you just forgot. Did you even think about me that day? Do you even think about me? I am writing my thesis. It’s about memes. Who knew my trolling tendencies would get me to write an entire thesis? I did really well in my classes and I really enjoyed my thesis subject. I still get waves of depression, anxiety, and isolation. I’m trying to get better at that. I go on walks and force myself to do stuff I like. It’s all a bit easier here. It’s safer, sunnier and there is so much stuff I haven’t done yet. It’s very different than in Latam. I spend a lot of Fridays crying. Because I miss home or because I just feel a bit lost. I miss my family a lot. My sister got married. It’s funny because for a while I thought about inviting you. But then all of that happened… My other sister was here a few days ago and we spent some time in Paris. I also miss Coni. Lollapalooza Argentina is around the corner and I wish I could experience it with her. I talked to her all day and she replies within the day which I really need. Doesn’t take her a month. I saw the 1975 in Madrid and Paris. I know you don’t like them and just pretend you did for me. You probably hate Matty Healy because of the Taylor thing. That’s funny. I am better at that. Caring less about online discussions and bullshit. It truly doesn’t matter. In the end, none of it matters. Bet you are glad you no longer have to keep up with musicians you don’t know. Or pretend you like their music. Speaking of that, I'm still hurt at what you said when all of that went down. It really hurt. It hurt the way you grabbed my feelings and threw them to the ground. After all the talks we had, I thought you’d be better than that. I know you want to know about my love life because that’s all people like you want to know. I am taking my time to heal so I’m working on myself, I truly don’t want anyone to get in the way of that. Guarding my heart and mind. I don’t have much to say. But today I was leaving the Louvre crossing the road to walk by the Seine and I saw the Eiffel Tower. I was listening to You're Loosing Me by Taylor Swift and I realized you truly lost the best thing at any party, me. I mean look at everything I get to do. Look at everything I enjoy and the people I have. And you lost me.

The 1975 still...at their very...

I was going to be on a low budget. I knew this when I bought the tickets. I knew maybe I would have to sell them. But I didn’t. I booked the low-cost plane train and hotels. 

And I am so glad I did. A day in Madrid and a day in Paris. 

I met some people in the line who were also alone. That’s the thing about seeing niche smallish artists. To quote Matty “They are the biggest band no one has ever heard of”. Every time someone asked me who I was seeing they were like: Who? It was so funny because the place was packed. 

I’m writing this as a journalistic chronicle which I low-key hate.

I wanted to talk about music, art, and live music. I wanted to talk about that feeling you get when you’re surrounded by people who are there for the same purpose. Because you all love the same music. All of us dress in black, Doctor Martens, converse, and vans. Rectangles everywhere.  This was my third time seeing The 1975 but my first time outside a festival and everyone is right. Their shows are insane. It’s not only the band's energy but everyone around you. All the people around you just get it. They understand all this music. We had this bond who just got this music and what it all meant.  

I’m sure you’ve seen online all the viral shit that goes on at shows. There is still a lot of uncertainty about what it all means. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that the show is a whole experience. The theater and movie themes. The media consumption themes. 

It's also of course about the music. The magnetic music. I don’t get it when people say it all sounds the same because you can have a punk rock song like People and then an acoustic almost country one like The Birthday Party (my favorite one). I could go on about the 1975 music production (thanks George Daniel). But hearing their music live is also a whole ocuurance. They don’t miss for a second, and they transmit this beautiful energy that just either gets you dancing or moves you. I used to hate TOOTIMETOOTIME but it’s truly such a fun experience live. Everyone just gets dancing and screaming the lyrics. And they make that, The 1975 does that.

If I have to note some of my favorite moments: 

- When Matty gets on the roof and sings probably one of the most heartbreaking songs ever “Me”. There is something very heartbreaking to hear him sing “Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don’t you mind?” On top of a roof where you can barely make up his face. I did cry the second night I saw them. 

- The 1975 are known for mixing up their setlist, it’s a surprise every time you see them. Hearing So Far It’s Alright (which for me is a masterpiece of songwriting from Matty) which I did not expect in Paris was truly a great experience. I also got a sneaky You and Chocolate in Madrid which also surprised me.  

- When I saw the Paris date I was like “They have to play Paris there", which is one of my favorite songs of all time. Of course, they did (tbh Matty Healy is such a troll that I wouldn’t put it past him to not include it). That was another moment I cried a bit because that was the moment I realized how worth it all was. I realize that getting on that flight, and spending my money on this when I’m struggling a bit, was so worth it. When my plane was moving a lot that day all I could think was “Oh my god, why am I doing this?” And at that moment I realized why. Because I wanted this experience. I wanted to listen to Paris in Paris, one of my favorite songs in one of my favorite cities. I booked the plane tickets and hotel after I saw a tweet one day that said: “Not once in my life did I regret spending money on an experience (a trip, concert, a nice dinner, etc.) be the money always comes back but this is what life is about”. I just realized at that moment why I was there. Why I spent my money on this for this exact moment.

- Before they played Paris (which is about drugs) Matty gave a very good speech about the trouble of drugs and letting us all know he has been clean from heroin for 5 years and the crowd cheered. The beautiful and overwhelming feeling when a few minutes later he sings “as the crowd cheers for an overdose”. That was a very heart-wrenching moment. We are all proud and happy for you, Matty

I get PCD (post-concert depression) but I get post-concert happiness. Where in those moments and a few days afterwards I get this feeling of happiness of being alive. Like I get to be alive at the time as all these performers. I get to do all this stuff and see all these beautiful shows and listen to this music live. I realize being alive it’s very much worth it because of all these feelings. I realize it’s fine to spend money on this thing when you are going to feel this joy and experience all these overwhelming beautiful feelings. So book the flight and get those concert tickets.

Random things I wrote on trains

I take the L2 crying and listen to MGMT Time to Pretend and walk home slowly at 5 am 

I think I know what I want. But I’m not sure how to get it and it feels like everyone wants the same or something similar. It’s kind that Taylor Swift song “my dreams aren’t rare” 

I wish doing what I want and love didn’t involve saying goodbye to my mom 

I take the train after 9 pm and the bus at 4 am 

And I live in Barcelona. I walk a few blocks and a building I saw going viral on Twitter appears. I try to learn a new language even though I hear my own everywhere I go. I say “Adeu” and “Merci” but that’s about it. 

I called it metro, I called it bus. I catch myself before my accent slips out. It’s fine. It’s charming. But I’m still trying to learn my way around. Sometimes I have a hard time at stores. But everyone is so kind.

I don’t mind stopping and give directions even though I’m still learning my way around

Constant thought

Everything feels so temporary. Like I am not sure where I am supposed to be or where I am going next. I feel like I don’t have a permanent place. And I was on a train from Manchester to Newcastle and I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to feel this way. Because every time I’m in England I feel like this is where I belong. This is where I want to live. I don’t even know why. It’s not about live music, which is a plus, but something feels right. Like every time I come here I just feel comfortable, o feel ok. The worst part is that I have no idea if I’ll ever be able to live here because of my nationality. I feel defeated and confused most time. What must it feel like to get down in this middle-of-nowhere city and live here? I live in Barcelona now. The constant idea of living here forever keeps me up. I don’t think I want to. But it does feel right for now. But for how long? How much longer until I need to move and get away? I do realize I like this type of city. Filled with art, culture, and people. I like taking the train places. I like walking to the station every day. I like the Christmas lights this time of the year. Maybe that’s my life. A constant question mark. A constant trying and error of places. Maybe I am meant to move around. This thought has been the only constant thing in my life since I was 5.

Manchester and Newcastle diary

I went to Manchester and Newcastle for the weekend to see my favorite artist in Newcastle. Very random. But here are more random things to happen:

While boarding the plane the flight attendant said “Congratulations for yesterday” while he repeated my name. I was confused for a minute because all I could think about was the Argentina and Paraguay game where Argentina won. Curse my Argentina mind to only think about football and Messi. Classic Argentina. But no, he kept asking me if I lived in Spain (which I do now) and I said yes but still didn’t get it. Until I realized October 12th is the day of the Virgin of Pilar which is very important in Spain. I knew it. But I am Argentinean and had slept for less than 5 hours probably.

The guy at the passport control in Manchester asked me the usual questions: Why are you here? Do you know anyone in England? Where are you staying? Are you staying in Manchester? So I said “No, I’m going to Newcastle for a day tomorrow” and he was very confused (stop shading Newcastle English people) so I told him I was going to see a concert. He then points out he is from Newcastle, and I try to be friendly and mention the football team which I had watched a few games a few times (they are not winning the champions, Matty Healy) and he goes: yeah, it’s all we have. And when I point out how they had won against PSG he goes: yeah whatever. I guess he wasn’t into football.

I went to see the Japanese house at Newcastle University and it blew my mind. I love smaller intimate shows (Istg Amber smiled at me during boyhood). The entire set I was just vibing and singing along to the songs. It felt so beautiful, almost religiously. During Sunshine Baby when they said “Hold on to this feeling because you won’t feel it for long” I started crying which I had never cried during a concert. Amber radiates such a beautiful and fun energy you can’t miss it.

On my way to the airport, the taxi driver asked if we could stop for petrol ( at 4 a.m. This is the second time an Uber/taxi has asked me to stop for gas in a year. It’s always so awkward not to mention how dangerous it can be. I am alive and well so no worries but it’s always good to have someone tracking your location when you are in a taxi/Uber etc.

To be honest, I really liked Newcastle and Manchester was okay. But every time I go to England I think about moving there. I need to stop going because I get this horrible feeling that I need to stay but I can’t. I might write more about this soonish because it’s been troubling my mind for the past month and need to get it out.

Then you blink and it's been ten years...

It’s kind of beautiful and full circle that I’m posting this on Tumblr. The website where I would spend hours scrolling trying to kill time. Trying to find something different: a different aesthetic, fashion, music, and art, 10 years ago when I was 17 living in a small town, with not much to do. That was when I discovered Lorde. Everyone was talking about Royals, talking about this new young girl who was “different” and “not like most girls” with dark lipstick, a grunge aesthetic. 17-year-old me who was dying to be different to escape the normal boring life of a place that forced you to stick to one idea, and aesthetic and stay comfortable, found someone else (I would say “my Lorde” but that’s so cheesy omg). I didn’t realize how much Pure Heroine was going to mean to me when I first listened to it. Probably on my way to school with a frown in my mom’s car or in my room while on Tumblr or while writing. But as I grew and moved away from that town I realized how much it meant to be. Ribs was the first song to truly hit me in 2014 when I started writing and obsessing about The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger. There is a beautiful parallel between the two of them about that fear of growing up and having to face that you are in fact an adult. A bit off topic but the line “I'd ride and I'd ride on the carousel 'Round and 'round forever if I could” from Stoned at the nail salon always reminded me of this book. Back to Ribs, listening to that song when you are finishing high school, and about to move away from the place you called home for 3 1/2 years is beautiful and terrifying. How did you manage to create a song that summarizes growing up so perfectly? I still listen to it whenever I’m entering a new stage in my life and have a little cry. I also just cried reading this article about it.

I think Lorde created the perfect album about growing up and living in a small town. And every time I go back and listen I get this nostalgic feeling about the simplicity and pureness of those years. I don’t miss them because I remember how much I dread living in a small town. But I do understand how important they were for me now. How they helped me grow up and become who I am. Pure Heroine is a beautiful way to encapsulate the feeling of growing up, and the nostalgia of those years. Happy 10 years Pure Heroine, you will always be a truly special album for me and all the teen kids who wore Doctor Martens and purple lipstick 🖤.

I wrote this before reading Ella's email about Pure Heroine and cried...

I create art, do you?

Has the internet changed the way we consume art and people believe that artists need to cater to the audience's needs or that artists need to create based on what they want to say? I feel silly blaming the internet and a boomer, but I saw this only discourse a few days ago. People were angry because an artist was creating art that they could not relate to when maybe in the past the artists had created art they enjoyed. Remember when Solar Power by Lorde came out and everyone got mad because she was no longer the sad girl she was in her previous albums? Why should she write about something she is not feeling or write based on what people want? Isn’t her art hers? Isn’t her music how she is feeling? With the internet these days we have everything so accessible and we get everything we want whenever we want it. All our social media platform feeds are made for what you want and need but who says art needs to be this way? If you don't like modern art you are not going to the MoMA and if you don't like pop music you are not going to listen to Charli XCX. It’s not bad if you no longer want to consume certain artists, if you don’t like Solar Power, that’s fine. But I don’t think Lorde or any artists need to create for you. They create how they feel and what they want. They are the creators of their own art. And if at some point you want to do the same, you can go ahead and create the sad girl album Lorde didn't make last year. Or wait until her next album.

A 26-year-old is dead

A guy I dated for a few months before I hit 20 died last year. I didn’t realize how hard it was going to be. I didn’t realize that I could cry so much over someone I hadn’t seen in years and barely knew what he was up to these days. But I knew many details about him, like when I left my scarf in his house, or when he argued with me about Drag Me Down by One Direction being a Nick Jonas song (arguing with me about music is insane), or when I showed him Mean Girls, but God I can not remember his birthday (I know he was an Aries so late March). The day he died I sat in my room and cried for a solid hour, I went up to my mom and cried in her arms for a few minutes, I sat on the floor and wrote a poem about him. I never told anyone that I think. But I think what hurt me the most during this time was the fact that he was only 26. Just 26. In a line in the poem I mention crossing paths at 19, and now it’s just me in this world at 27. It’s just me growing up now. I think for a second there I realize how fragile life is and how scary it all is. It truly made me realize how much I still want to do. How much life I still have to live and plan on living. It hurt a bit to know that he won’t. I don’t think I owe him anything or that I’m doing this for him. But I do know that I need to live this life for me. I need to do the things I want because I don’t know what life will bring me. I don’t know what could happen tomorrow. It’s just me today. It’s only me right now. And I only owned it up to myself to do what I wanted to do. To do what I love. This feels a bit cheesy not gonna lie but sometimes I need this little reminder. Sometimes I need to catch myself and remind myself what I am doing and why.

Existentialism is in

These past few weeks I´ve been feeling like I am in a deep hole of wondering what I am doing, what I do, and where I am going. You know, classic existential crisis stuff. Maybe it is my fault because I read Less Than Zero by Bret Easton Ellis and Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin or maybe it's my late twenties. Maybe it's loneliness. But what I am wondering is, are we all feeling like this? Are we all feeling a little bit lost? (or a lot). Are we all having a crisis of what to do and why? 

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to what I see on social media, but come on, I was born in 1996, of course, I am going to do it. Seeing so many people doing really cool and interesting stuff sometimes leaves me wondering what I am doing, what I do, what I need to do more, I am not doing enough. I feel like at the end of the day, this is common, right? We are all scrolling through Twitter and seeing people doing so much and just wanting to do the same or even more. This is the reason why I deleted TikTok because everyone was doing so many things I just couldn’t do and jealousy got the best of me. And I keep hearing: You can do it too! But can I? When I live such a different life, in different places, or even lack the talent that those people have? I feel a bit pessimistic and maybe I am allowed at times to be pessimistic. 

I know I am the kind of person that somehow always manages to work things around, I always manage to get what I want. I mean, of course, it is hard work and things don’t fall into my lap, trust me they don't. But days lately have been feeling like I am stuck in a loop that I am not getting anything I want, and that all my goals feel far away. What are my goals? What do I really want to do? Am I wasting my time? Am I doing the right thing right now to get to where I want to be? 

This has me thinking about the way we are consuming so much social media now and how much people post on there, are we destined to feel this way? Are we destined to be feeling overwhelmed when we are constantly seeing what everyone is doing and we can’t keep up? Everyone is showing their “cool” outfits that don’t match my style, don’t come in my size or I can’t afford them. Everyone is going to a new cafe that just opened that has a new kind of coffee but I live an hour away. Everyone is going to a different concert from an artist I don’t like or that only tours the USA and UK. I feel like I want to do everything but I can’t keep up because every day I see someone doing something else, so I end up wondering what do I really want to do? There is so much to do in this world, and I end up wanting to do everything but God, do I have the time? The energy? The skills? I am just constantly getting frustrated and wondering what is next and what I want to do.

A couple of months ago I started a podcast that I now hate and don’t want to continue. A year ago I was making TikToks about traveling but I lost interest. Now I am writing again. But I don’t know what I want to do. Is it because there is so much to do? Is it because we live in a period of time where everything is instant and we need to move on to the next thing or if from day 1 I don’t get the feedbacks I want I give up? Is everyone else feeling this way? Is someone looking at my life and feeling the same way I feel about other people?