Explanations Plz...

For some reason I feel the need to explain myself. It could be the glass of wine but bear with me. I want to point out now that I am explaining, not justifying. My whole life, I have never truly apologized for being me and I never would. I am me, like you are you. Keep that in mind. At the ripe old age of thirty, I have had a chance to look back at the younger me and judge her. I've critized, yelled and haven't forgiven myself for failing, stumbling and giving up. So many nights I spent staying awake reliving my failures and being so damn mad at myself. "How could I be so STUPID." We've all said, no yelled, it to ourselves. Embarrassment followed and sleeping at that point wasn't an option. We spend the next couple days doubting ourselves and ultimately end up failing again. This was a nightly occurrence in my life, so much so that it took a toll on me...my weight. Over the last year, I've been more interested in my health than ever before. Even if I wasn't physically taking action, I mentally was. For someone like me, losing weight isn't just a fad diet or starvation. It's a change...a lifestyle one. That is so damn cliche but it is 100% true. My husband has been my rock, lighthouse and my safety net. He has known me almost half of my life. I know he can always see through me and see my struggles. And he *knows* me. Jon knows I am not sitting around eating Oreos all day. The other night we were talking. It was such a beautiful night and I thought we were having some good, lighthearted conversations. Our talk traveled towards my weight issue. My fears, struggles and what happened. What happened? Uh...I don't know what happened. I put too much food in my mouth? Never moving more than I needed too? What happened? I took the White Castle Crave Case Challenge one too many times? It could be that I was trying to break the record for most soda consumed a day. ... What happened? What a frigging loaded question. I sat there for a minute and pondered that. And it dawned on me that he was the first person to ask me WHAT happened. Not if I've always been this way or do I realize how big I am. But...what happened? I'll tell you what happened. My birth happened. Not in an emotional 'I wish I was dead' way. Just literally. Genetically, I got the 'wide load' DNA. Growing up, I was never a pretty, petite princess. I was stocky, taller, LOUD and totes had a double chin. My poor dad enrolled me in sports...to keep me active, I guess. I SUCKED. I was always one of the biggest kids on the team. I couldn't run, was out if breath and Heaven forbid the volleyball came towards me. At my mom's, I was constantly outside with the neighborhood or my brothers. I was always active. Looking back, they never overfed me. I didn't eat Twinkies all day nor was I allowed to just sit on my booty all day. So what happened? Growing up happened. After moving back to my mom's, I hung out with the teenagers my age. They went to Northwest High like I would be. We spent that summer before my freshman year in the pool, walking around the apartment complex and goofing off. I didn't eat large breakfasts or lunches. I had dinner when mom made it for us. Not stuffing my face constantly but I was still a big girl. I could barely fit in some of my girlfriends shirts. Thanks to puberty, my body evened out and my weight maintained...even though I was bigger. My freshman and most of my sophomore year, I stated active. I was in JROTC, walked to and from school most days and was goofing around with my friends/brothers. (Side note, a more proportioned body and puberty did NOT change my ability to be decent at sports. Ie: freshmen soccer...yikes.) I was a size 10 and I looked healthy. And here's what happened: I got a car to drive. Walking home with my friends wasn't cook at all if I had a car. My average 3 mile walk a day went out my 1981 Oldsmobile's windows. (It was a Cutlass Supreme I might add. Beige.) The Wingo-mobile and I were never far from each other. Then I started eating lunch every day. I realized while I was telling this to Jon, that I rarely ate breakfast or lunch at school. By the end of my sophomore year, I was eating breakfast and lunch regularly. My junior year, I was promoted up the ranks in JROTC and didn't focus on the physical stuff. My friends and I hung out inside, listening to music or driving around in my car. My first two jobs were at fast food chains. So yep, food was involved. By the time I graduated in 2005 I was a size 16/18 and pushing 200lbs. So what happened? I got married and stopped caring even more about my appearance. I took weight more seriously for a year when I had a personal trainer. But even then, I was battling anxiety and depression. I worked retail, had crazy hours and ate like crap. I remember weighing myself one day and the scale said 248. I cried for hours. Feeling like I was a complete failure. I felt like this hideous beast. But the burgers still happened. I kept telling myself that that extra 5lbs I put on wasn't a big deal. The next thing I saw was my scale tipping at 285. After another day of crying, I hired a personal trainer. But even then, I was paying $300 a month and wasn't taking my weight gain seriously. For over a year I worked out. I would see a fee pounds come off and I would reward myself with food. Lots of food. In about a year and a half, I lost 60lbs. That was in 2008-ish. It's now 2017 and I'm not ready to admit how much my scale used to say. It was horrifying. My poor husband. He must truly love me to have stuck through me for those years. But like the super supporting person he is, he kept me secure, loved me and never judged me. What happened, now? At 30, I have allowed myself to become this...whatever term you want to call it. My lower joints ache, I have arthritis in my knee. I can't touch my toes or go up the stairs without sweating. Social functions always cause me insane anxiety because all I think about is how people look at me. My lifestyle became more centered around how to keep me comfortable. Comfort was more and more food. It was being more of a homebody and not wanting to do more than was required. After years of self hate, humiliation, remorse, anger and failures, I had thrown in the towel. Feeling that way about myself was exhausting. I was getting sick all of the time. I'm sure I annoyed Jon to death because of how anxious and stressed I was constantly. I couldn't, cannot, take it anymore. So change happened. Literally over the New Year, I changed. My mentality changed. I knew that this wasn't me. I remember me in high school...pre Wingo-mobile. I remember not always faking at being happy and people weren't embarrassed to be around me. I wanted that back...I needed it. Changing isn't easy and it required a risk. My risk was doing Shape Reclaimed and pushing myself to stick with something for once. I started feeling like I wasted money when I saw the first couple pounds slide off. I rewarded myself with food. (Say it with me...how could I be so stupid?)

Take the path less traveled...

Time after time, I fail. No matter how hard I try (or attempt too), no matter how confident I am in myself, I end up failing. It’s this cycle that I never seem to break from.

Until today, my Shape Reclaimed journey was good rather than bad. I started changing my habits, exercising almost everyday and I saw the scale decrease daily. It was so liberating to know that I reached day 14 and lost 14lbs. I was 5 pounds away from my first goal. 

Then I woke up this morning.

And just fell down the rabbit hole. 

I found out my mother has Lupus. My house is a damn mess. My grandfather died 17 years ago today. I had a customer complain about a haircut I did. Everyone was accusing me of being crabby. Legit....it has been one of those days.

And I jacked myself up because of it. I have eaten practically everything in my site today. Chocolate, chips, a cheeseburger, turkey, french fries. Everything helped me forget everything. No matter how brief or long that relief was, I always craved more.

Was it worth it? No. It honestly wasn’t.

I am sitting here on my couch and my stomach is already upset. I can practically feel all of that oil/grease oozing out of my pores. The guilt is beating at me and I’m so close to breaking.

I have zero idea as to why I caved today. I should be stronger than this. 

I guess today I wasn’t.

So here I sit. Tired, ashamed, guilty. Tomorrow is a new day and I promise I will make it through unscathed. I am choosing to get back up and try because I am stronger than one failed day.

Shape Reclaimed

...I hope.

I started the Shape Reclaimed diet/lifestyle change. I’m on day 6. It’s been hard. Every day has been a struggle, but I’m down 10lbs. 10lbs in 6 day? I’ll take it.

I’m basically taking holistic drops that are meant to help curb appetite and increase metabolisms. Those paired with eating a super low carb diet (no starches, flour, diary or added sugars) over the course of 23 days tricks my brain into living on the brown fat in my body. I have to get urine tests every two weeks to make sure my pH is balanced and that I’m eating enough fruits/veggies.

It’s been very hard. The first two days I took the drops and gorged on everything I wanted and more. Days 3-6 have been strict dieting. I have slightly cheated. Jon and I made cauliflower fried rice and we put a tiny bit of oil in. And the other day I tried making cauliflower alfredo and I shook in some grated parmesan. Overall, I give myself a solid A for effort. I’ve never tried as hard as I’m trying now.

It’s very gratifying to see the scale go down every day. I know soon I will hit a plateau but I’m determined. 

2 days after my diet ends, I will be headed for Europe for two weeks. While I am there, I am going to keep taking the drops and focus on their Phase 2 diet, which means I can have some drinks and diary. My husband has been my rock through this week, although I know I am probably driving him insane. With him by myself I will be able to accomplish this!

Truckin’ right along...

I weighed myself on New Year’s Eve and wrote it on my mirror with a dry erase marker. 41 days later, I write today’s date and my weight. And 41 days later, I am down 10.4lbs. 

I think I startled myself. This is the first time since actually trying and knowing this is a lifestyle change. I’ve exercised but honestly not as much as I should be. I’ve still had McDonald’s, ice cream and a handful of treats. And I lost 10.4lbs!!

What have I done differently?

I’ve been WAY LESS STRESSED. I can’t even begin to explain how much this helps and how freaking important it is. I meditate almost every night, while I’m in bed falling asleep. My sleep quality has increase tenfold. I’ve been less cranky, more motivated and conscious of what I put into my mouth. I weighed myself every other day. So many people will say this is a no-no but for me, it keeps me on track. I don’t log my food but I remember if I had a fast food or something ‘not good’ and see how it affected my weight. As I logged it, I noticed that the days I was extremely busy at work or had plans, my weight either went up or stayed the same. Days that I brought my lunch, walked at the gym and didn’t eat after 7pm, that my weight stayed the same or went down. Now, when I say went down, I’m talking no more and a half a pound. 

Even those little changes motivated me every day. I’ve been bringing my lunch to work for almost two weeks, been trying to drink water with my soda and I’ve had very little stress towards this journey. I’ve also been saying ‘yes’ to things that will benefit my business or will make me happy. The lower stress level is really amazing.

My first milestone goal is 290lbs. The weight I was when I did over one and a half years of personal training was 285lbs. I made my goal at 290 instead of 285 is because I want to start my next milestone more positive. When I remember the personal training, I just remember the negative. I don’t want to continue towards my second milestone thinking about my previous major failure.

Yay me!

Planet Fitness

Just hanging on the hydrobed at Planet Fitness in Crestwood. I'm really not feeling good about myself today. The only reason I'm up here is because my husband wanted to go. I am just not into it. I fail over and over again. I ask myself and God why I was cursed with a fat ass body and no motivation. Why am I obsessed with food?? Don't mind me while I have a pity party. Amsterdam is 83 days away. I can lose 83 pounds by then, right? I would be ecstatic if I could lose 30lbs by then. But the way my mind thinks, it's not going to happen. It's a nice dream though.

9.5lbs down

Yes you read that correctly! I’m down almost 10 pounds in three weeks. HOLY SHIT. This is huge for me. I mean...shit! 

What have I been doing? I’ve been meditating, doing light, beginners yoga, eating smaller portions, drinking water more and NOT FREAKING OUT ABOUT EVERYTHING! Holy Jesus Christ everyone. STRESS IS THE WORST!! 

I have been meditating which calms me down, lets me fall asleep with a clear mind and I wake up refreshed. Download the Calm App now. It’s totally worth it. When I think about it, I do some light yoga in the mornings to stretch my back, legs and knees out. If I’m hungry, I eat. If I’m not hungry, I’ve been trying my best to stay out of the kitchen and to drink water. I’ve been bringing my lunch to work, we have been EATING AT HOME which saves me tons of calories and MONEY. If we go out, I try to find something light or I eat slowly and don’t eat everything.

It’s been great!

I use a dry erase marker and weigh myself every other day, always around the same time after I use the bathroom. I write my weight with the date on my mirror so I have this visual of what I am doing. Guys...so far this is working! No diet pills, no drops, no freaky diet. I had Chick Fil A yesterday. Or is it Chick A Fil? Whatever. I had that. 

So go me! Go you! I hope you guys are accomplishing your goals too!

Fuck 2016

Well, the 'lose 10lb during the holidays' challenge was a complete failure. I guess if 2016 wanted to go big or go home as far as failures went. But 2017 is here and for once in my stupid life, I have this fierce intention to set things right. Today, I had coffee instead of soda for breakfast. I put my FitBit on. I went to Quick Trip for lunch. Instead of my normal cheeseburger, hot dog and energy drink, I have a cheeseburger, an apple and I threw out my energy drink a little less than half way through. It's the small shit, right? I'm contemplating HCG drops. I have heard so many negative things about it. My best friend did it and was miserable. But a lot of people at work are doing it and I'm seeing these results and they are really keeping it off! I'm worried about the hunger pains and boredom eating. I mean, who just eats an apple for breakfast? I want to lose at least 30lbs before we go to Amsterdam in April. I intend to try this time. Meditation every morning has been helping me stay calm and put myself in a great mind set for the day. Being positive definitely helps curve angry eating and feeling like a complete fuck up.

Acceptance

I am choosing to accept that for right now, I'm fat. I know that this doesn't mean it's permanent. It's just a fact. Accepting who I am, forgiving myself of it, will help me in the long run. Punishing myself for being fat by eating crap foods and not exercising isn't okay. I only get one body and one physical chance at this life. Shouldn't I treat it better? It will happen in small steps like today. I haven't had any soda since 2pm. It's really tempting to open the fridge and grab one but I'm resisting.

Mmmm...Turkey

I am back from New York and I am proud to say I didn’t gain any weight while I stuffed my face up there. 

I am a horrible blogger. I haven’t updated in forever and I most definitely haven’t been trying to loser any weight. 

I’m at this weird struggle where it is always on my mind but at the same time, so far removed.

My chest has been hurting lately. I don’t know if it’s stress or my weight. Probably both. I should probably do something about it.

I did a ten minute meditation session this morning. Those things definitely calm me down. I also stretched my back out with some yoga. I’m sticking to water the rest of the day because I feel totally bloated and gross. Plus, water can’t be bad for you, right? I’m determined to lose 10 pounds between now and Christmas. I’m not going to let any of this holiday food hold me back! Who’s with me? 

Pneumonia

The last week or so, I’ve been stuck on the bed or couch because of pneumonia. It’s been rough. I went to urgent care, they did three chest x-rays, blood work, flu test and some shots full of medicine. After four hours there, they concluded pneumonia. Awesome.

For three days my fever didn’t break or go down. So I ended up at the hospital. They had me hooked up to an IV with fluids, vitamins and more meds. But I felt so much better. My fever dropped and I could think again. I slept for the first time in days. 

So I’m better now. Not 100% but way better. I’m still very tired.

I lost 10 pounds which is awesome but being sick is not how I wanted to do it but I’ll take it. I hadn’t had a Diet Coke since last Tuesday but I did have one today. I know, I was pretty much weaned off but shit. The taste of a Diet Coke is amazing. I’m choosing to only have one a day. I’m also choosing to eat better. I’m feeling better about myself overall.

I’ve been trying to be more optimistic about myself and my life. There are people out there who love me or care about me. They are used to seeing me fat but I owe them more than that. I owe myself more than that. I’m not just a fat person. I’m defined more than my obsession with Diet Coke. It’s not easy feeling this way because one snide remark or one bad day reserves it all. But I’m trying.

End of a Week

Today I've felt nothing but exhaustion and hunger. I haven't eaten well today either. I posted my pictures of my body as my before. I can't say how disgusted I am with those who "noted" it. A bunch of perverted pages that want to "fab to fat chicks." Seriously? I am not sharing my journey so you can jack off your tiny dick. I'm sharing my journey so others can learn, support or for me to reflect on previous issues as I go in. Jackasses. Mondays are when my weeks start and I'm excited to officially start.

Today was a decent day. I helped with a 15 girl wedding party. I stressed about it all day yesterday but it went way better than I thought. My husband got me McDonald's for breakfast and I didn't eat anything until about an hour ago. We went to subway and I had a tuna sub. Not the healthiest but better than the McChicken and fries I was craving. I'm chilling tonight. No snacking. I'm exhausted.

Hello darkness, my old friend~☆~I've come to talk with you again...

Sound of Silence.

This is what a 5'7", 320lb, size 24 "plus size" 30 year old woman looks like. She has veracous veins, flattened feet and worn out knees. Her abdomen is covered in stretch marks. Acne rittles her body. Her stomach flap hangs low enough to cover most of her pubic hair. Her arms are so big they are the same size as the phone used to take these pictures. This is what a potential heart attack looks like. Cancer. Stroke. Diabetes. This is what heart disease looks like. This is what death looks like at 30. She is me. And I'm ashamed and afraid. I'm choosing to take the non-death route and fixing my life piece by piece. It won't be done in one day or even one year. But I'm going to try. This is what potential looks like.

I’m sitting in my car, on the verge of total tears and sobbing. My head is pounding. I feel nauseous. My back and knees are in so much pain. This energy drink hasn’t kicked in and I know the 2nd I walk into work it’s going to be a shit storm.

This bratwurst I got from QT isn’t helping. I should have gotten the fucking donut. At least there was chocolate.

Everything that could go wrong is going wrong. All three of the desk girls are sick. One called in for the last three days, one had requested off the last two days and the third one is trying to not come in (but I made her) and she had put her 2 weeks notice in tomorrow.

This isn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I didn’t want to be this constantly stressed out person who is doing this solely for money. I HATE MONEY! Money is the root of all evil. As I get older, I truly realize that.

I feel like I’m worked to the brink. Maybe not hours wise but definitely mentally and emotionally. I wanted to do hair, make people smile. Not be this angry, stressed and beat down all of the time.

I’m so close to giving up. Throwing in the towel and drowning my sorrows in a mountains of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. I fucking love those things.

Thanksgiving in August

I totally blew this weekend. My best friend had her birthday party with Hodaks chicken strips. Of course (over the course of the evening) I had about 13 of them. The next day, a co-worker held he annual Thanksgiving in August for the salon. C'mon!! We all know I’m not strong enough to resist mashed potatoes! Today? I snuck White Castles for breakfast followed by a Five Guy’s double bacon cheeseburger for lunch/dinner. I rounded that out with a healthy portion of red velvet bundt cake from my cousins bakery and a couple scoops of peanut butter cup ice cream.

But I took my Bliss go pack. 😐😐

I’m ashamed. Too bad I've had one too many to care. Well, not really. I still feel it bulldozing me flat. Being ashamed and anxiety. Yep. It’ll be great to go to sleep with that at the forefront of my brain.

Wake up, Hoy. You’re going to die in 5 years if you continue to go down this road.

But I can’t muster the energy to care. My life has been nothing but giving into others and never doing what I truly want to do to be happy. I carry everyone on my shoulders. When I’m weak, I apologize and people say “Oh, it’s okay.” Like seriously? It’s okay to constant put others first and suffer for it? Go eff yourself.

I really feel like people are either embarrassed to be around me or they are drawn to me because I’m a freak show. It’s rather confusing. In a world full of 7 billion people, I feel utterly alone.

So is it worth it to care if I die soon? Not anymore.

Official start

I weighed myself this morning and it said 322. Jesus I almost cried (again). But it's no one's fault but my own. Because I'm a fatty who enjoys ice cream and fried chicken. Oh and white castles. And peanut butter and jelly hamburgers. And cheetos. .enough. I did my first workout in our at home gym. We have a TV, some weights, resistance band, a yoga mat and an elliptical. I'm not sweating insanely but I do feel it in my legs and arms. Yoga felt good. I'm totally not flexible at all but it was amazing to stretch and breathe. I did 15 minutes on the elliptical while I watched music videos. That time flew by fast. I also started my Bliss go pack for real. My goal for this week is to pack my lunch every day, take the BGP and drink way more water.