Angry for no reason

I get annoyed easy and i have this fireball of anger thats waiting to explode. I'm trying to over come it but i just can't help but to talk to anyone with a harsh effect or type as if im annoyed. It isn't the persons fault why I'm angry it's me who need fixing, i am the problem.

Why?

I feel like a burden to some people i hate making people sad over my pathetic sadness. I cry in silence but the thing is to show up happy for everyone to not make them sad.

No more smiling

20 July 2017 I want to scream out and tell everyone "i am in pain" i can not deal with life anymore. I always think i am the problem why my mum gets angry with me. She always talks to me like i am dumb. Whenever i say sorry she always says to me to stop saying it, because she thinks i am lying about apologising even though i pour my heart out to her when i apologise. I get jealous when people talk about them having family times or mother and daughter times, because i know i will piss her off and she won't want to speak to me even though i long to have her company. She will never know i cry myself to sleep and have that heart ache when she is angry with me "Am i being to sensitive?" that is the question i ask myself after i cry. "Will i react like this when i get married" that is the question i ask when i fall asleep. I have that pain in my eyes which is known and not a secret anymore. She notices it when i smile she says i am doing a fake smile, which is correct i am doing a fake smile. Those days when my sister complains to me i never smile, she wishes i wasn't a moody sister, she says my face will crack when i eventually smile etc.. i am sad on the outside but i cry hard on the inside. I do not know what i can do now i feel like my mum hates my guts, i wish she wasn't like this because it hurts me not her.

Lost

Now that I've crashed and walking alone, lost and full of sadness, empty like a rabbits hole. How many more episodes full of sadness can i take home?.

This is my journey❤

It had be have courage to eat something and not just sit there waiting for my collorbones to show.

To The Bone

Say what you will about this movie but, as someone currently going through the long and gruelling and emotional recovery of an eating disorder, I found it beautiful.

It was a pure, real display of life dealing with an eating disorder that avoided any ‘triggers’ that weren’t necessary to the storyline/character development and had me in tears.

I LOVED it.

And to those complaining about it being ‘triggering’, nobody forced you to watch it. So don’t pick faults at such an amazing film. Only you yourself know what will have a negative impact on you, and therefore only you can avoid these - so if you saw this film and watched it despite knowing the possible risks, that’s your fault. Not the director’s. Not the cast’s.

Please, don’t spread the negativity.

No hints

It has been 5 days since i have posted, i am trying to find something more interesting to write about but my life sucks like a rotten tomato.

Commitment

10 July 2017. Sometimes i question about my life, friendship, studies etc. Its just all so wired to me i feel like i cant live upto what im suppose to live upto when i am doing stuff in my life. Its all so new to me even if I've been doing it for a year it's like i am still learning even though i know what to do. I can be honest with you i have trust issues, i want to trust someone but i can't, because i know one-day I'll trust them and they will fuck me over. I am afraid of commitment, because what if they are not committed to it.

Hurt

9 July 2017 You seem like every other guy, the attitude that makes me angry. Before you wanted to talk but now you are not sending no words but unread messages. Am i to much?. Do i talk to much?. Do i seem that desperate?. Maybe you don't know how love works.

I'm losing my mind, everyday and every night.

-

Its wired why i can't be excited about life

Yes 😐

^^^ Thank you for the tips x

🍉 Weight loss tips! 🍇

🏃Go walking or for a run! Naturally you burn more calories when it’s hot because your body works so hard to keep you cooled! You’ll burn 150-200cal to a hour of walking to 200-300cals running a hour!

👙Buy a totally cute bikini that almost doesn’t fit so you have a cute goal before the beginnig/end of summer, or for next year!

🍑Eat fruit! It simply really, really good for you. As well as your veggies!

💧Drink water, water, water, at least 1liter a day, you’ll be sweating a lot from the heat! To also help eat fruits hugh in water, and drink a glass of water before, as of, amd after a meal.

🏊 Swimming is a great summer activity and burns almost 200 cal every hour!

📝 Keep a food diary and see if that helps!

🍔 No fast food, it’ll just make you feel greasy and sick. Promise.

💊 Take vitamins! If youre possibly (I hope you’re not) eating enough, youll need then to supply what youre not getting. I suggest: B Complex Vitamins, Vitamin C, Vitamin A, and Biotin.

🍵 Green tea and (iced) coffee are known to help with metabolism, energy levels, and regularity.

🍴If youre about to eat out of boredom read a book, watch a new movie, paint you nails, go for a walk, paint, watch youtube, play with animals, workout, call a friend, etc!

🍖 Try to only have (lean) meats once a day, I recomment eating it at dinner because the protein will keep you full during the night.

🍕 Have one cheat meal once a week, or cheat day twice a month.

🐣 Try going vegan or vegatarian for the summer, you might even continue it after!

🔪 Cook at home, home cooked meals are proven to healthier and lower in calories then pre-made or resturant/fast foods!

💪 Join the gym! Make sure to do strength and cardio!

🎼 Dance is also a great workout, just play yoir favorte songs and get moving! 300 calories burned every hour!

💆 Make sure to take a rest day, workout 5-6 days a week, your body will thank you later!

🙅 DON’T FAST/PURGE/USE LAXATIVES TO LOSE WEIGHT! I know many of us do but please try not to. All of these do nothing but harm you in the end and fuck up your organs. I know its hard, but its true.

🔥 Weight lose takes time, you might not see it happen fast, but its happening, give yourself time.

💤 Please get enough sleep! With lack of sleep comes craving for unhealthy food! Depending on your age you should be getting 7-9 hour a day.

👗 Don’t go by clothing sizes! They dont matter at all. Sizes on clothing is just a quess and do not determan the real size of your body, a xsmall shirt in one place could be a medium in other places.

If you have any tips please reblog and add on!

Dirty secrets.

6 July 2017 I long for his love. I wait for his replies but, that's not the reason for my silent cries. I know it is best for him not to know. That itching touch that lingers in my soul. The dirty secrets, the dirty lies. I wonder if he could still sleep at night. Sometimes I wish for death. Sometimes I want love. I can't make my mind up. I cry for help, that is on the inside, but i show no emotions on the outside yet i just sit there and not tell a soul about the pain I sorrow. The dirty secrets, the dirty lies. I wonder if he still loves me now. I have the most beautiful friends, but yet i still feel lonely like the earth is sucking me dry. Taking my happiness away, now i long to have that instead of having pain. Dirty secrets, untold pasts i want this love to last. People only see the kindness from me, but they never see the dark side from me. I wish they knew how it was to feel sad yet i can not say no words when had the chance to stand up and speak on how i felt. Dirty secrets, wrapped up feelings, i wonder how his feelings ?.

This is why i chose him.

It may be wrong but this feels good to go with. We know our boundaries between us, but we can’t help but to feel this feeling.

Wired Dreams

5 July 2017 I want to fly in the sky, go somewhere that will set me free of emotions and heartaches. Let me spread my fluffy lilac wings through the midnight sky. Full of stars that twinkle every second, I wonder if they have many different colours. Reaching my hands on to the cold and sad ocean, thats covered in dirty stinky pollution. It pours it’s tears on me as i take my hands out, as if its calling for my help. The boy that i see in my dreams, that has dark hazel eyes that shines in the summer sky. His hair is jet black as if he covered it with jet black dye, so shiny and nice it makes me want to touch but it’s impossible. He cries in fear when he comes out to his parents, they beat him senseless until he could not bear it, only two slices from his flesh that made him taste death, it had me in tears to see him suffer in silence.