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trxppedmind · 11 days

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The lightnings strike trough the dark nightsky, grey clouds inhaling every bit of light the moon tries to give the world.

The rain hits heavy on your skin, feeling like a million little pinpricks. The cold wind brushing trough your hair as you listen to the surroundings; the rain, the wind, the thunder.

"Hey!" A voice pulls you out of the depths of your mind.

And you realise its a beautiful day. The sun shines, its warm, the sky is blue, some clouds white as snow. A light breeze of wind, perfect to cool your body from the high temperature of the sun.

"Are you even listening?"

Chaos. Pure, confusing chaos in your head. Why can't you be happy? Its a nice day. You can't hear them clear. The voices of your friends. They are blurred and just leave your head as soon as the words combined to a sentence.

And everything you can do is to say sorry and try to suppress the thunderstorm in your mind. Just for some hours.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #bpd awareness #vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #poetry #deep thoughts

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trxppedmind · 11 days

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No, i am not okay.

"You look better lately!"

I am loosing myself more with every thought that crosses my mind.

Why? I got a higher dosis of antidepressants. Why do they only work the first few days? I don't get it.

Please.

Let me atleast be numb.

Instead i feel a emptiness that eats me alive.

I feel as if my heart burns, my chest stings. I don't have appetite.

Why would anyone ever like me? Like, really like me in a romantic way.

If you send me a '♡' i am stressed. So quick? What does that mean?

I don't wanna be emotionally attached.

I don't wanna be obsessed.

I don't wanna get hurt because i am at a point I won't survive it.

Automatically i think you hate me every second that passes. I think you leave. I should ghost you, before we even got to go on a date.

I am not ready for the "btw-i-have-bpd" talk.

Maybe i am not even ready for a relationship.

This whole date thing stresses me out.

Its nothing but stress. Why can't we just get friends first? No date for a relationship? I wanna know the persons i try to date.

I am such a idiot. Why did i even said yes?

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #bpd awareness #vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #vent post #bpd favorite person #actually obsessive #bpd relationships

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trxppedmind · 12 days

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If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #bpd awareness #vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #vent post #bpd favorite person #hyper fixation #actually obsessive #possessive

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trxppedmind · 12 days

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TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

#bpd problems #bpd stuff #bpd #actually mentally ill #actually borderline #borderline culture is #borderline personality disorder #borderline blog #bpd awareness #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #vent #actually bpd #mental health #vent post

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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Thank you for your constructive criticism Unfortunately, I have been sent into a rage which I will not mentally recover from for three to five years

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #bpd awareness #vent #bpd thoughts #bpd #borderline culture is

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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My exact situation and i feel bad because i currently just can't do the chore they have me our last lesson 😭

you know you’re cooked when you feel like a burden to your own therapist & you’re scared they hate you and think you’re annoying

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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BPD culture is getting way too attached to someone bc they showed you a little bit of kindness, and the moment they do something that upsets you, suddenly you hate them… but you never want them to leave, how dare they, they’re the worst, please come back- don’t leave me- go away! I hate you! I love you i can’t live without you…

.

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

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trxppedmind · 19 days

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I’m sorry for all the times my mental health made me a bad friend

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trxppedmind · 1 month

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Do not read if you have or had a Ed <3

Okay but why does it feel so good once the stomach pain from not eating is over?

Its like a victory or sth.

I know i shouldn't do this, but I got heavily triggered and idk what to do and lost appetite 👍

#vent post

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trxppedmind · 1 month

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This will probably cause some hate, but:

You aren't always the victim just because you are mentally ill.

You try to get better? I am proud of you, keep going, i don't adress you here because people who actively try to get better for the people around them are trying, and you can be proud at yourself for that.

But people who just say "i'm sorry its the mental illness!" and expect their friends/partners/familymembers to forgive them aren't.

It is okay to say "Hey, i'm really sorry, i didn't meant to at all. I wasn't myself." Because it often actually is the reason for our behaviour. But to say that, you HAVE to actually try and get better in my eyes.

I do NOT demonise mental illnesses.

But I am aware of what damage it can cause, and that there is no way around but pointing things out.

I did mistakes before, and I also needed time to realise that it was quite often actually my fault, that i need to work on myself to get better and i just know some of you are triggered at this point.

But sometimes that is needed to understand yourself. To understand your mistakes.

It is not okay to say "it's not my fault! I'm mentally ill! I can't help it!"

I know its easier to say that, but, if you continue to do that you are not only (accidently) hurting others but also yourself.

Also, it is not fair that there are healthy people saying "they all are the same." Because we're not.

Every one of us, no matter wich mental illness, is different.

Every one of us deserve a chance just like every other human.

Let me point out again: Its not your fault for being mentally ill and/or traumatised, but it is indeed your responsibility.

A little reminder: there are many healthy people who also hurt their partners, sometimes fully aware of their actions.

You are not your diagnose. (Greetings to my therapist.)

LASTLY: a mental illness doesn't mean your love is bad! You can love, you deserve love, you are still a good person.

That's it, take care of yourself <3

I felt the need to write this down since i am sick of people judging others because of their disorder, also I am sick of people who use their disorder as a sort of excuse.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #narcissistic personality disorder #npd #bpd #mental health matters #bpd awareness #spread awareness #npd awareness #cluster b #antisocial personality disorder #histrionic personality disorder

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trxppedmind · 1 month

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Talking about healing-

I see rarely people talk about how wrong it feels to let yourself getting healed, getting help. it is not wrong at all of course, its good.

But it feels wrong.

Like, its hard to explain. Speaking for me, i struggle with myself (as far as I remember) since i am 6/7 and it only got worser.

And now you wanna tell me i can drop most of it?

Something inside me doesn't believe I can be happy. I can't find things that makes me happy for longer than a hour, max a day.

Something inside me doesn't want to.

Because i found to much comfort in my own suffering. The only thing that always was with me, that never left, are the feelings that came with my mental illnesses.

I just don't understand how i am supposed to feel like. To think like.

I want to heal myself, to get better, be better for persons around me. I want to learn to control my bpd.

But I am really scared.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #bpd awareness #bpd #bpd thoughts #bpd vent #depressiv #sorry for being depressing

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trxppedmind · 1 month

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I'm so tired of life, of not knowing who i am or how i am. Lately i can't even feel pity if someone tells me something sad.

I can't see people as white anymore until Splitting is suddenly over. I only splitted during being depressed for a long time now and since yesterday i feel like I never was depressed and i feel some weird euphoria and nothing at the same time.

Friday during therapy I got really pissed at my therapist for constantly asking me how i feel or why i feel like that because i don't know myself. I wanted to run away. I said sorry afterwards tho.

How long will it takes her to drop me?

Or actually helping me heal?

Because i don't know how to help myself anymore.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #actually bpd #vent #bpd vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #vent post

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trxppedmind · 2 months

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I am sorry for ghosting my friends. I am just not feeling good. Not at all.

If I finally answer them, most of them answer immediately. Why can't I be thankful for that? Because in that moments i am like "ugh now you have to also answer immediately."

Whats wrong with me? I really like most of them but i can't help it.

I want to leave this world, honestly.

#borderline personality disorder #actually borderline #mental health #vent #bpd vent #bpd #bpd thoughts #vent post #borderline culture is

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trxppedmind · 2 months

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Those feelings of “every time i want its wrong” and “every time i have a desire its a burden” and “every effort i make is somehow draining to you”

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trxppedmind · 2 months

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bpd culture is "I love you and it's killing me"

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