“…This world and the next could come to an end,” he whispers, hugging Xie Lian fiercely.

“And I would never, ever leave you.”

From No Paths Are Bound, by cataclysmicevie

hey not rly a question just saying i appreciate your 2cents on things generally. i am a gnc transfem but am really a boy more than anything so someone looking out for those of us who arent palettably feminine is rly cool of you. a lot of the stuff you mentioned in your long post just now hits at some of the stuff thats making me feel uneasy around some of my transfem friends. i fear if i was fully myself i wouldnt be accepted. i hate to feel too queer for fellow queers, but. but yea anyway most of the time ive known i was trans most of my friends had actually been trans guys so when i hear this anti transmasc rhetoric going around it makes me rly uncomfortable im sick of the idea that trans guys have it easy. its not true and not fair do you fear being not accepted by others like you too? is this normal? idk. i didnt feel this when i came out 5 years ago this is new to me

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that, and I can relate. Essentially I came out as a binary trans person a decade ago and raced to transition as quickly as possible (it was not fast, it was slow and frustrating) and when I finally got there then I had to endure Gender Crisis 2 where I realized I wasn’t this binary gender either.

It was very difficult to sort out. Did I just not feel special enough as Gender 2? Was I faking this whole time and was really just cis? Was I detransitioning? It took a lot to figure out what I wanted, how I wanted to be seen, and to grapple with the idea that it will continue to fluctuate.

I am masc but do not consider myself a man. Boy, maybe. Do I see myself as a woman? Also no. Girl, maybe. But a masculine girl. I think my boyness is more feminine than my girlness…but still both…butch.

I am trans but not a trans woman or a trans man. While figuring myself out in round two I flirted with transmasc/transfemme as labels, but neither fit better than the other. Or maybe neither fit. I know some use transfemmemasc but idk that I like it for me. I use trans women’s shaving tips. I use trans men’s voice training tips. There are members of both camps who wouldn’t consider me one of them.

I currently work a full-time job. I cannot present or fluctuate in my presentation when I want to. We have gendered locker rooms, gendered bathrooms, my ID badge has a photo that doesn’t look like me. I think a lot about that post that’s like “I might be nonbinary but I have a job so I can’t worry about that right now.” Only, I already know I am nonbinary. I’ve already been out to a lot of people IRL. How do you put that cat back in the bag? Can you? If I was allowed to present how I want now and everyone was cool…will they still be understanding when it swings back the other way? I don’t want that sort of pressure at work.

I am lucky I have a partner who understands and likes my presentation—and spectrum of it. I have trans friends who understand or try to understand, and genderweird friends who get it. It is a bit isolating—how everything is split into one camp or another. Things I supposedly couldn’t relate to I do, things I am not meant to have experienced (or acknowledge I experience) are not welcome topics in trans discourse.

It is difficult! There are huge Boy v Girl (but make it progressive) pissing contests on tumblr and it’s very irritating how deep the anger goes. Carve room for yourself and you’re accused of belonging to the other camp, as if it really even is ‘the other’ camp, it’s the same fucking camp.

I started to identify with the word butch only in the last few years, and because my gender exploration had taken me back to the trans folks of yore. They were brash and bold and contradictory and I liked that! It made me yearn for vague labels and defiant privacy while also being unabashedly authentic! Then I learned that it still exists. It’s small, and got pushed to the fringes, sure. But I’ve only had access to the books and zines and tales of the genderweird from the internet, and to hear it resonate with so many others proves to me we’re still out there.

It’s very tough to want to be true to yourself when there is a constant pressure to conform to something. It’s doubly tough when that pressure comes from other trans people. But finding more and more people who live this way and feel this way makes me feel surer in my choice to just loudly be what I am, fuck the rest, whenever I can.

I cannot always look how I want or be seen how I want, so the spaces where I do have control I refuse to be anything other than what I am 110%

I really hope you can find more and more space that lets you exist in the grey. I hope your friends become more accepting. In the meantime and hopefully continuously in tandem—you are not alone in this experience and others out there understand what it’s like. ❤️

HI EVERYONE SORRY FOR DISAPPEARING THIS MONTH HAS BEEN SO BUSY QUICK UPDATES:

-my art was published in a zine!!!!!

-my robotics STEMathon team i mentored won our event

-i went to a Tessa Violet concert and held hands with two friends in one week, one of who i held hands with at the concert

-when Tessa announced kitchen song as a song about being in love with your best friend i felt my heart exploding but i couldn't tell who it was about, it wasn't about the three i always talk with

-i realized the next day, at a bus stop back in my city, when an old, very very close long term friend pulls up to the bus stop bc her sister recognized me from afar and she just smiles and chats and it's lovely. we'd reconnected after a few years of not chatting much bc of pandemic in January and I'd have inklings of potentially liking her but kinda pushed them aside. I realize during the conversation how beautiful and warm and kind she is. Walking to robotics after the bus, I finally clue into my feelings.

-we'd become quite close in this time, and the time felt natural and safe. I've started getting more affectionate and stuff since clue-ing in

-this week i started getting very affectionate. i asked her to be my date to a queer prom, we slow danced to the start of WTTBP, took the silly prom pose photos at the photo booth, and then after she asked to go for ice cream and we just chatted more. She seems more affectionate too lately?

-i confessed my feelings for her this morning at 2am and waiting for her to reply back but oh my god I've known her 13 years we were childhood close friends we sang duets together we sang 1000 YEARS together it would be so cute. I love her. I'll find out soon if it's mutual.

Other Stuff

-i might be on a panel for pride month about lateral violence in the form of ableism

-finally got my EDS appointment

-applied to a summer camp, got the job!?! the camp is super queer, I'm working a queer retreat and perhaps doing drag at it

-having a CT scan for my abdominal issues that have been worsening

-the started me on a med that seems to actually help with my pain and it made me have a day my WHOLE BODY DIDNT HURT

-I'm officially graduating

-Ive organized queer events in my city, including a protest

-i'm helping organize a huge group of people to protect drag shows around my province

-ive started walking a lot

-i'm processing illness trauma

-ive stayed connected with exes mom and she wished me a happy pride and was super happy about the queer prom thing

-my ex is actually doing surprising well given everything, after a coma, survived the double lung transplant and is kicking ass the best they can

-my coworkers at summer camp are mostly younger so I've become a queer den mother type person

-my boss is a polyam drag king

-i am making a lot of art and people like it

-participated in two studies

-started ACTING IN LIKE. ACTUAL SHOWS AND FILMS

-went to a witchy night market

just a lil small statement from me :)

i know that the zine and the people involved has caused uproar within the fandom. i wanted to ignore it as best as i could, but because of me wanting to live my life in peace (as i already have enough on my plate), some people call it me being naive and idiotic.

im going to say this again (as i have done so many times already but people keep needing to be reminded), my zine is on a neutral standpoint. if people think of it in a certain "discourse" position, then please change your thinking. im so tired of having to overexplain and defend the entire purpose of this zine constantly, again and again. some people still don't understand.

ive been involved with this fandom since december 2022 when i made my first post. i decided to make this zine because there was nothing else out there and i thought it would be fun. i have experience in outsourcing and finding manufacturers, i also know the process and the ins and outs of being in a zine. that's why i decided to make one for this fandom. dont let this zine be the ONLY zine in this fandom, i myself plan to make more after this one (coughcoughtuggoffeleeszinecough) and if someone else wants to start one, please do!

i truly love this goddamn musical about singing and dancing cats. this zine is for the purpose of celebrating this musical through art and writing. this musical has had a horrible reputation amongst society, why not turn that around?

in my own words and actions, i chose the people in this zine based off of what they have submitted in their applications, both moderators and contributors. i dont have time to do a deep dive internet check to see what problems a person has caused in a fandom. i work two jobs, im currently also packing 300 kickstarter orders, and im running this zine at the same time. i honestly do not have time to look into the drama that happened in this fandom unless if someone brings it up to me personally and they give me proof. i have explained myself time and time again that i do not absolutely give a single fuck about what side a person stands on. i do not care what a person enjoys or likes on the internet, i have my own business to attend to and other people have theirs.

if im so busy, why am i running this? because i want to and it gives me joy knowing that something great is coming into fruition!

please note that ive gotten anon hate from both a "proshipper" and an "anti", if that doesn't already explain the true neutrality of me and my zine, i dont know what does. im sorry that the results of who was picked and chosen for this zine gave out the supposed wrong reputation. im sorry that i didnt work hard enough to spend time (that i dont have) to do an fbi check on everyone to find out that they've done a certain action in this fandom. i cant make anyone happy with how this zine goes, i can only do so much. i had no idea that fandom discourse was going to be the main problem with running the zine. i thought it would be something bigger like finance. but this discourse does not define the zine.

im so tired of reading things said behind my back, assuming things about me, without actually confronting me about it. my dms are always open for anyone to talk to me about things. my asks are always open too.

the zine and myself have zero people blocked because i dont have time for that. guest contributors were chosen because multiple people requested them, moderators were chosen by me without any bias because i liked what i saw in their applications, contributors were chosen by all of us mods (there are FIVE of us, nothing more) as a collective group. my process with choosing was specifically on work, i dont choose people by bias. im not that kind of person. i also have already talked to my mods about interacting with the apparent discourse surrounding this zine. they will not interact with any posts outside of the people involved. any actions they have made already are not condoned by me and i couldnt say something about it earlier because i was at work.

so please, if a person has a problem with me and my zine, confront ME about. do not bother anyone else.

again, if my zine happened to make someone assume that its "proship" or "anti", then please think twice. this zine is a celebration of this musical and fan content. i dont fucking have a stance. stop assuming shit about me behind my back, im so tired of having to explain this to people. the people involved might and i have no clue because yet again, i dont do fucking deep dives on people unless if someone actually mentions and brings it up to me. but just because i choose to enjoy my time in a fandom without any drama doesnt make me naive and stupid.

it is a person's decision whether or not they want to support this zine. but please do not spread hate. tell me about it and i will take action. thank you.

again, my dms and asks are open. i have zero people blocked on here and the zine's acc. i cannot say the same for anyone else involved. the zine's acc on tumblr and insta are only run by me, nobody else.

yup! here so you don't forget it til your grave!! bloomic xyx and the song Courtside by Tim Atlas !!!!

Tysm!!!! Luckily i did not forget,,,, but i did have work hella this week so this is a little late 😭 but I've got the song on rn and 👀👀 here's what im thinking

So, xyx, not big on love, as we've learned, and if we go based off his route, boy does he fall HARD

Man is literally fighting his inner demons trying to deny feelings,, and you/reader is just like, oblivious cause there's a LOT goin on. You've got work, the server zine, random events here and there, but you /always/ make time to indulge xyx in video calls

He tries to learn about you in subtle ways, which he's very good at, lawyer and all, and you're not used to telling someone so much about yourself, and you're certainly not used to them being so interested in what you've got to say

And for this we will say that bloombot accidentally let some personal information slip past her filters, and it turns out, you/reader and xyx live in the same area

But rather than outright tell you how to meet up with him, xyx makes a bet

Who can find the other first? You've seen each other's faces, you've heard each other's voices, you know what his job is, and he knows some about yours as well

And you/reader take the bet, the cost of losing is one fancy dinner, and a chance to meet Cat

So, in your free time, you get out of the house,,you try looking up nearby law firms, and try to look at their staff pages, you look at those billboards that advertise help for accidents and other unfortunate events

Meanwhile, xyx does what he does best, he hits the books. He's researching the information on your vague company, easily finding the one that you mentioned a while ago over a vc

He goes through all the departments, taking time to make sure that there isnt any nonsense with the higher ups. He wants to know if this company that makes you work the longest hours is actually a good company and not some shithouse place yk

So then, when he finds you, he has to stop and question if he really wants to see this through, but he has been so over his head about you, like he has had dreams about you, he will get random thoughts while he is working about you, wondering how your day is going, wondering if you're working just as hard to find you as he is

So he works up the courage to go into your work, dressed in casual clothes, coffee in hand

And he greets you with the usual cheeky greeting of "hello little troll" and you're like ?! Who is speaking from behind my tall as stack of papers that i need to do, wait i know that voice,, xyx what the fuck why are you at my work, is thst coffee ???

And he would do that little smile that he gets and be all like, "guess who owes me dinner"

And ofc at the dinner it's pretty nice, and you guys are having a grand time, its hard to be awkard when xyx is just so smooth and charming

And a little ways through the dinner you guys get some drinks to go along with it, and like no one gets drunk or anything, just like i dunno a little tispy/buzzed and you/reader is just babbling about work and your interests and xyx is sitting there like ohmygodimactuallyinlove

And all he can think about is wanting to wake up with you each morning, by his side

And yeah,,, thats what i would write with xyx+courtside jdjeke i didnt wanna go on and on cause i def could omg

Hey! I was curious if you were ever going back to your story Wednesday Spoilers? I really enjoyed it. No rush or anything, I realize you have a life outside of writing lol I was only wondering! Have a great day!!

Heyyo! Worry not, Wednesday Spoilers has not been abandoned, I love that story so much. I had a full time time job this summer so I didnt have much time to write and now I've been mostly focused on my Steel Samurai zine and practicing my drawing skills. But I'll be able to focus on that story soon

Have a great day you too

.

i’m rlly curious abt any paid writing jobs u have. how did u get into it?? i’m looking to maybe sell some of the stuff i’ve written (mostly essay type shit abt feminism and media) and i’m wondering if u have any tips

ok to be brutally honest i do not think the vast majority of people are able to do that ever but heres an extremely detailed list of every decent job ive had and how i got each one and some pros/cons as well as advice because we love transparency and real peer to peer advice

i graduated in 2021 and went to a small liberal arts college and majored in english and communications. i have adhd/neurodivergency and do not want to wake up before 11 or wear real clothes or leave my house everyday so this is what i do instead

past

writing center consultant, 4yrs, few hours a week- autoselected via gpa and college admission essay, helped students write papers. this was fine and gave me a bit of spending money

seo blogger article writing, few projects a month, few months- a coworkers friend started a small business. after that random people started occasionally hitting me up to write articles. this is the kind of thing youre probably thinking about but this writing is very soul sucking with things like keyword density and writing just to rank on google etc and is also poorly paid. it kinda sucked and i did this when i was between jobs or needed $ in college but didnt want a service job because of focusing on studies/transit off campus being difficult

editor, 1.5 years, occasional projects- i got special permission to take an upper-level history class to fulfill a gen ed credit. truthfully because i didnt want to take the intro classes that were only offered at 9am. the prof was impressed with this and my writing ability and asked me to help her edit her books/academia she was translating into english. i fucking loved doing this, it was amazing and felt so cool and i learned so much about another culture during a specific time period; other people i told about the job however thought it sounded terrible and dry. 

non-jobs

i volunteered at a small local animal sanctuary on and off for 5 years in high school/college starting when i was 15. this gave me a solid reference forever and i think is why i got approved to foster cats which i love doing and is a way to kind of volunteer a tiny bit with an extremely irregular schedule

i also volunteered tutoring refugees in english for a few months in college and i really loved this and it was really rewarding and sounds impressive even though it was really just talking with someone and trying to read together for an hour a week. i loved doing this so much it made me cry happy tears a lot lol. i got this because my consultant job had a partnership with a local org and we were all expected to do it but i stayed on until i moved to chicago because i enjoyed it 

i took an unpaid remote internship at a small local arts magazine the summer of covid. i cold emailed them but i also had professors that knew people and put in a good word because iowa is small. this wasnt anything impressive but was one of those little local free magazines you sometimes see in those plastic things on street corners or in grocery stores. it was honestly terrible, they initially told me no but i think with staff layoffs after covid they were looking for free help. i pretty much was copy and pasting hundreds of phone numbers and email addresses of businesses from facebook into an excel spreadsheet for hours a day and received zero mentorship and learned nothing. i dont blame them as covid hit stuff like that really hard and they had bigger things to do. i did it because the circumstances made it hard to find something better and i needed the credit to graduate and it does look somewhat good on a resume even though i did jack shit

i run a music zine with my friend for fun, and was a dj on college radio where i aired the interviews too. the dj thing was an absolute joke compared to most college radio programs. i feel like i learned a lot about working with people via the zine as weve worked with almost 200 bands. its given me a lot of confidence and people skills, and its given me a bit of insight into the industry side of the music business. i also forged connections with cool people including someone that manages a real celebrity i can put down as a reference. its a talking point in interviews because it requires major responsibility and organizational skills. this is also the kind of place you can post your feminism and media writing

current jobs

brewery hostess- the service industry can be extremely well paid for a side gig when youre young but you can get sucked into it and run into issues down the line like no insurance, cash addiction, sexual harassment, sudden layoffs, and it being hard on your body. i love this job because it makes ends more than meet, pays well, i get free food and beer which helps cut down on grocery bill and cooking stress. my coworkers and manager are all amazing and there are never early hours and the job is zero stress. i would be struggling to pay my own bills without it. it also gets me social interaction with people my own age. 

i worked in an italian restaurant before this where i cried a lot and got sexually harassed every day and didnt even get food but i honestly liked that one too. i was a cashier for 5 years and it was awful and i stayed bc i thought every entry level job was like that. anyone who is a cashier probably should consider quitting and doing food service because the money/job itself is astronomically better. i got the italian restaurant job via a friend but this one absolutely rules and i got it by emailing every restaurant within a half mile of my apartment

marketing/booking-- i was supposed to move to one city and then living plans fell through and i had to move back in with my parents. someone my dad went to school with needed someone to work the till at their family business and do stuff like post on ig and make copies. ive been there for a year and when i moved to chicago they let me go remote for like 10 flexible hours a week. my responsibilities expanded to booking all their live music (super fun and cool) but the cons to working for a family business are pretty well known

music reviewing (another one youre probably looking for) - this is only like 10-15 remote flexible hours a month and i applied on indeed with the zine as experience. its definitely poorly paid and can be mind numbing but im doing it to learn about the industry and gain experience and its kinda fun tbh. this is for a click farming type blog and the reviews i do can feel formulaic and hollow and i kind of have to say good things about everything. i do actually like most of the songs i hear at least somewhat because theres quality control and tell the truth in my reviews but since i think the goal of the publication is to mass produce content and meet monthly minimums everyone just kind of says milquetoast positive things. im also still finding my footing in that 

social media management freelance- someone on craigslist was looking for someone to manage his bands instagram page and some other stuff for a few remote flexible hours a week. this is probably overpaid for what i do and its really convenient and easy to manage but having to post on social media constantly for 3 different jobs/pages has definitely made me want to drill a hole in my head even though its pretty basic and the person i work for is great

personal assistant to an author- i just got this job this morning!!!! i found it on craigslist so well see how it goes!! its 15 hours a week remote flexible for someone who seems lovely. i wanted to be an author really bad as a kid so im excited to learn about that industry

what i wish i knew

i wish i had minored in graphic design or at least taken a few classes. i am considering taking online classes at a community college to strengthen my skillset, i feel this would be extremely valuable for what i actually do in real life

i did get kind of scammed on craigslist with a dogwalking job when i was between jobs due to covid and in an utter panic. these jobs and other jobs like instacart/doordash definitely prey on desperate people who dont really pay attention to their paychecks and how little theyre actually getting paid for the hours and minus what they spend on gas/parking/vehicle wear and tear/etc. these jobs should be illegal and dont do them

you can find really good opportunities on craigslist if you are smart and patient, though, and use caution and be safe and trust your gut. its so much less competitive than indeed and linkedin its almost unbelievable and you can feel super lucky. the people are also a lot more understanding and willing to work with you because its not like they have 500 applicants for a position thats only been up for a few hours like on linkedin. these opportunities are never corporate which i like

i spent so much time in college trying temp agencies and applying to corporate jobs i didnt actually want that were on linkedin and i was competing with hundreds of other applicants. i got pretty much nothing to show for it and the hundreds of applications were all going into a void. i got much further by just following what i enjoyed and working connections. i think if i did get some of the jobs i applied to i would be absolutely crushed and have a much poorer quality of life

pros and cons of my hashtag lifestyle

i can wake up/go to bed basically whenever i want and never have to put on clothes and work from bed if i want to. i dont need to follow a dress code and i hardly ever leave my house except for the brewery and the kitties and i dont need to own a car (living in the city helps that).

my income can be unstable and fluctuate so i just make sure i live below my means and have savings and view the extra money as a treat/for savings-- which isnt feasible for everyone depending on life circumstances. it can be nice because i know i can leave any job and its not like im suddenly totally fucked without income/reference if something happens. 

my taxes are a nightmare but my dad helps me

a con is i work at least a little bit pretty much every day and sometimes have to work late unless i plan for it. i could easily avoid this with better time management, planning and focusing skills though. i also dont ever work 8-hour stretches, i usually work on and off all day every day which i know would kill some people. but thats kind of my own fault. i think i am going to have to build those skills more with the new job.

a con is i have pretty much no routine whatsoever, i could build one but with the days i work at the brewery changing each week i find that more difficult

a pro is its easy to schedule appointments or visit my parents without having to take time off but a con is that its hard to date/have a social life/go to a concert since my life is kind of irregular and i often work weekend nights and its also hard for me to remember other people have set work hours/bedtimes/holidays lol

a pro is that no one micromanages me and i can use headphones and work when i feel like it and wear what i want and take breaks without anyone questioning it but a con is that i have to actually manage myself

im happy to share information about budgeting or anything too im kind of an open book 

dont know where else to put this but i feel like i need to get it out somehow. i had a good friend die and i am devastated about it. she was an incredible person who just selflessly helped everyone around her. i was always in awe of her. not in a looking back way the whole time i knew her i was. she was younger than me and went to my high school and reached out to me after we graduated and became friends. she moved to the city right before the pandemic for a library job, not knowing anyone here and we started hanging out a lot. she was incredible. during the pandemic she used her job to help unhoused people. she ran workshops for teens who didnt have much support, teaching them about zine making and comics and music and always trying to find a way to connect with them trying to find communities for them to be involved with and interests that would inspire them because she felt os lonely at that time and didnt want them to feel that way. she had info sessions at the library about how the internet worked about internet security about how peoples data is sold in big tech. she made book marks with this info on it. she made booklets about where to get free food and shelter during the pandemic and sought out the yemeni bodega strike organizers and colaborated with them to distribute these in bodegas in every burrough.  She did all this caring so much about her community even though she had only been there a few months.

we took long walks around the city together, for a while every weekend. we woudl tlak for hours and she talked with me a lot about her problems with lonliness (but she was incredible she never felt bad for herself and instead would go out on her own to shows and volunteer places and really put herself out there and ended up making so many more friends on her own than i did in my first few years here. she was always so motivated to take on any issue, whether it was her own or tackling huge community issues like housing) but i knew she did struggle with feeling isolated and said she appreciated having someone from home around to talk with. my last texts with her were the end of the summer and i am so ashamed and angry with myself. looking back its many texts from her telling me she missed me, sending pictures of the long island sound saying we should take a trip together out to long island where we grew up. she invited me to so many events and i was so flakey. the last time i told her id be there and just didnt show up. i didnt even text her back until the next day. i was feelign so socially overwhelmed and flaking on everyone at that time and a week later i got very sick and completely dropped off from everyone for months. i never explained this to her. i knew she was a sensitive person and someone who beat herself up about feeling disliked who would back away if she felt someone wanted her to. i am so devastated because i loved her and i just never explained what happend. i learned about her death from an instagram post and only have one real mutual friend with her because she was younger than me in school. im not even sure what happened but she talked to me a lot about struggling with depression and with feeling alone and i just feel like i let her down so much. she was sch a special person. she did more than i can ever fathom for others . and i would brag about her to people, how absolutely amazing i thought she was but im not sure i ever expressed those feelings to her and i just wish she knew 

needing the au to drop wherein i can commit to writing a historical au,, because since i first watched the db cooper job my mind went straight to OT3! OT3! OT3! (unlike with the van gogh job, since i aint playing with that fucking lieutenant)

one day maybe one dayyyyy i will sit down and i will write the ot3 into that episode's story. so, it'll be the backgrounds for the characters in the flashback (so, stephanie ritter, steve reynolds, and reggie wilkins), but with the necessary personality adjustments (parker, eliot, and hardison respectively). basically, vintage ot3 with some hot as hell aesthetics and secrets and avoiding as much as possible producing copraganda.

so. my thoughts. what i see happening. and this got super long so im throwing this under a cut. and for ease i will call them by their modern day canon names except when making a point.

first, general thoughts about the characters.

and so: steve to eliot. nothing much here on the surface. eliot still volunteers, too much an indoctrinated white man to have been forcibly drafted. so its still one man gone to war. one man come back. eliot would had been noticed early in training for his ability to pick shit up, and they teased at maybe sending him to a special unit. maybe they do, or maybe they don't because they just need to funnel fuckers to the jungle. the vietnam invasion was a terrorist imperialist venture and there's no romanticizing from me about anything done being at all valorous or special or brother-in-arms'y. and eliot commits war crimes under the american stars and stripes instead of just to keep moreau's champaign running. but also maybe moreau is eliot's superior. he certainly would have been rewarded for this ruthlessness. (eliot of course strove to impress moreau because there aint an eliot spencer who wasn't that man's dog at some point, i!!!! dont make the rules). eliot's friend died and eliot's gone off to carry out his wishes and moreau lets him because he Knows eliot is gonna come back. whether its to come back to the same squad, or follow him into deeper spy shit for the military, or to fuck off and go private. then eliot meets parker.

now. stephanie to parker. beth plays normal so well im mad at her, but there's something edgy and strategic about stephanie that i think parker can grab onto. i feel that maybe she was kind of a thief still, but there's more realism to this world so archie wasnt a super secret spy with lasers to practice with, but just a guy with sticky fingers whos a little bored and wants a protege. parker is good really good at what she does, and not having to deal with lasers makes me easy. but she's into scams that are less grifts and more Catch Me If You Can slight of hands. she's always looking for easy money (she was into lifting cars at one point! literally she follows where the crime is). she's doing something in an airport and someone tries to recruit her as a flight attendant because she's got the Look. and yall, flight attendants? that shit was like being a model and an astronaut and a time traveler back then. and according to a teacher i had, who once worked as in the f.a. union, those ladies back in the day were rad and queer and free spirited and runnnnning shit. i think, yes, it's a Job which i think we might resist placing parker into. but! of the jobs, at the time, i really see her rocking it during the time period. (also come on, the opportunities to swindle distracted people of their shit would be endless. they would just think they dropped their stuff in the airport! not that it was stolen.)

finally, reggie to alec. i think hardison will be the hardest to translate. even tho i admittedly listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, i dont know much about fbi life and also definitely don't know about it historically. part of me desperately wants to put him somewhere else even if it does have to stay within the fbi. i might cheat and make him like a Q(uartermaster) to 007/00s like in james bond, and he's like UGH this is horrible god i hate working for the fbi but they will give me funding so...... anyway, here's this totally cool [radio term]. that said, if hardison is stuck in the fbi, why he ends up there is that he is a fucking savant when it comes to research and the man can put together a presentation like no one else. that white man gets all the credit for profiling but it was hardison who goddamn was the google of the microfilm days. reggie felt super square but that might be because he had to deal with mcsweeties db cooper shit day in and day out for years. hardison is more himself. and definitely still a nerd. alec would be into dime fantasy novels and comics and ham radios and oh god he also would be into star trek like the original star trek as it came out and he would be into the zines yes! yessss. omg. also he plays a mean arcade cabinet. but he's mostly well adjusted but lonely. his colleagues dont appreciate him because fbi esp during that time were fucking wilding out and racist as hell aaaaaand im sorry im srry im trying so hard to have fbi hardison make sense but also! acab. ANYWAY.

second, the relationship

i think it would be fun to play with what it means to have parker/eliot start off first and bring in hardison afterwards. (if white collar is your thing, it would be like this canon divergent ot3 fic wherein peter burke is the last to join in.) i feel they would be Super Intense esp since they are carrying this big ass secret. kind of broken and dysfunctional and there's the passion and the commitment, but i think there's also a tenderness that's super hard for them to achieve? and i think there's a way that hardison plays such an important part in who they are and how they are. like, sure i think parker/eliot would have joy but they won't have levity. they would have compassion but they won't have gentleness.

eliot meets hardison after being recruited by nate. i think they get close because while nate and eliot have an interesting and compelling mentorship/friendship, nate is still eliots superior; sometimes its nice to complain about your boss, as hardison will say to eliot to try to make friends. i think hardison and eliot would become legit friends and not just work buddies because they are just not cut out of the same cloth as the rest of their colleagues. they grab beers after work. after hard days, hardison cajoles eliot into going to the arcade. they are friends. real real truly deep best friends, in a way hardison didn't think he could have with a fed and eliot didnt think he would have after his friend died. but also? they are like "buds" who are buds who are desperately tryna to cross any lines because there's a.... tension? an UST between them they dont know what to do with.

parker meets eliot by way of a "lets have my friend for dinner, he's a blast." and immediately immediately hardison is like... wow this woman is beautiful but like, really attracted to her personality. and parker things hardison is kinda dorky but cute dorkie? anyway, they have a puppy love situation growing. and it keeps growing until bam. eliot and parker are like. are we into alec???? fuck we are aren't we.

i think stephanie and steve would never tell reggie (even if somehow they were to be a thing). but parker and eliot? hell yeah they tell hardison. eventually. after a while. sooner than maybe they should. the tension if they should say something is one of the things that build up as UST between them for so long; parker and eliot know they are carrying this huge thing. two huge things. eliot being db cooper and also their massive crush on him.

if i could control myself to stick to a pwp, it would be another christmas. maybe the christmas nine (more?) years down the road. the damn snow grounded hardison's flight back to his nana's, and parker and eliot hear this and invite him over. the egg nog gets flowing and parker eventually is like,, fuck this. and comes onto hardison. and hardison would be like wow wow what but... idk, free love and swinging were In The Thoughts And Minds Of The People. he still checks in with eliot who is like. her body, man; i aint gonna tell her what to do. and for a sec hardison is like, man is this a cuck situation? i guess i can be for it but also...... aint mad if i aint alone. and eliot is so grateful and idk. i just want them all to be happy and having fun and no one to be left out. and yeah i am kinda brushing over a lot of the racial politics which, in a more developed fic rather than a pwp, would definitely need to be brought in; but idk that needs to just be in the bedrock of whatever plot is going into this.

it takes a lot of maneuvering of their lives but they make it work and eventually hardison is a keeper of eliot's secret too.

(apart from the historical aspect, another reason i probably won't actually write this is because i know myself. i would want to do worldbuilding. i would follow eliot and alec to their jobs, but i wouldnt want to write outright copaganda. the grit/realism i would be comfortable with would take a level of research i dont think i can commit to. but if someone wants to take this up or if you figure out a way around this issue, pls do i wont be mad)

I saw your post about not being able to take a break any time soon, and just wanted to send you some good vibes. These are rough times, and even if you can’t go somewhere else, a staycation can still be really nice if you can take the time. (I’m so sorry if you can’t right now, and hope that you’ll be able to, soon.) Take care! -a big fan of your writing

thank you <333 i could take a staycation, but the last thing i want right now is to be stuck inside my apartment where i’ve been stuck for however many months now like many of you 💀💀💀💀(not including the near 6 weeks of panic this spring where i didnt know if i’d still have a job and couldn’t go anywhere/didn’t have actual Work work). i wouldn’t be so frustrated if my family had been more vigilant about social distancing, but they haven’t. so i’m stuck, minus helping close out the zine next month-ish (which will result in a self-imposed quarantine).

..

man i fucking hate drugs because none of them are accurate. like i cannot imagine i would ever have an ideal experience out of any of them, and there’s nothing that they offer that i ever want. i dont want the turbo-ego of cocaine or the touchy feely of ecstasy or the trip of acid or shrooms or whatever else. at least i dont think i do. the only drug id ever wanna do would be something to make dreams real, or at least feel real, and i think that would be something id see myself getting addicted to. if VR gets to a point where it’s almost deepfake shit i know im going to jack in and die in a corner with it fused to my face. 

but i dont know. ive never done any drugs to know. ive been sleeping really poorly the last few days and eating pretty poorly even though ive been hungry. im eating basically one meal a day which is so awful but i feel like i cant stomach (literally) the experience. im so sick of eating and everything tastes empty or bad to me or is difficult to eat. probably just because everything ive been eating is really bland. yesterday my mom cooked because family came over and i hadnt eaten all day (and didnt eat afterward) and both of my parents made comments about how much i ate, which made me really self-conscious. and my dad spat the word like “well you’re not FAT...” and im like thanks, okay. 

i was talking to my uncle who is my dad’s brother and the fact that he was actually like... tech savvy and talking to me about like “yes ive been using duckduckgo” etc, that he had an actual empathetic understanding of the puzzle box zine because his son is autistic... it was almost like i couldnt imagine actually being able to be understood by an older person, and it made me kind of... i dunno. it made me wish my dad would understand even a single sliver of my world. but i guess because he doesn’t, it’s better than he doesn’t. like i wouldnt want him to 180 and suddenly have an interest and understanding in where i spend “my whole world” as he kept putting it because he’s never cared before, but it made me see this like alternate reality where my dad could have possibly not been a trump thumper who treats the internet like witchcraft. my dad was a scout leader to a troop of mostly autistic boy scouts and he was calling it “stemming”. it’s stimming, dad.

losing ginny and losing access to the morris troupe made me realize i dont have any older people to look up to or even confide in. i’m the oldest person among my friends, and the few friends i have that are older i’m not very close with. it sucks to not have any vision of the future or positive representation of what it could be, let alone having a mentor.

im writing all this just because i want to sleep and i thought about taking benadryl but benadryl fucking obliterates me. it leaves me groggy and robs me of lucidity for days on end. but at the same time i feel like i need to induce a coma just to make myself sleep and stay asleep. yet i think about how fucking on edge i am in this house all the time, how often i fawn, how i am constantly guarded, constantly monitoring myself to make sure im not too loud or too visible. when my uncle started talking about environmentalist issues and climate change i felt the palpable shift of my guard being let down and not having to fucking argue for the existence of what is happening or dealing with my parents’ generational guilt about shouldering the burden or something. any time it comes up my parents always play fucking devil’s advocate andit’s exhausting. like that’s exactly how we’re in this fucking mess, because bullshit shithead morons form the previous generations are more focused on preserving their ego than preserving the planet. 

i just want to sleep. i want to be able to be active. i want to be able to feel free to express myself and not get completely shut down by the people who say they love me. i dont really know how im going to be free of this shit and how ill get a real job and move out but jesus christ the moment i do i think i will never speak with my family ever again. 

vibey vibes: finding another mouse, more cleaning, I LEARNED HOW TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET MULTIPLE WAYS, being sad on renaming a character (they didnt want rumors and weirdos talking to them about trauma tm) and being happy cuz finally working on parts of whats really overwhelming with help from my dad 💛💛 we havent really done anything without arguing in long time so it was really nice 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛 i hope you guys all have great days too!! hey mo, three good things from today please? -🌻

Dang, sounds like someone had a busy day, but a good one! I’m really glad you’re enjoying yourself! I hope it keeps up ♥

Three good things from today...

The cat is very chatty today, my suncatcher is doing it’s job so my room is filled with rainbows, aaaaand... I’m getting some more work done on a zine piece!

Two animation studios just posted like HEAPS of job listings earlier this week so I spent the entire week working on those.

Somehow I managed to get them all done!! And that's even with catering my cover letter each time 💪🏼😤

I have 2 pre-made resumes for the types of positions I apply to as well so I didnt bother changing them. Just picking the right one.

Anyway I just finished and I'm sitting here like...wow...I'm so proud of myself. I've been taking on a lot lately and even with the stress of deadlines or putting myself out there or asking for help...I'm still doing it.

Next week I've got no choice but to prioritize my zine piece. I have to get it done early since I'll be traveling the week that its due.

I'm nervous bc I did a lot of line work even though usually I go lineless in my finished pieces. Aaah it'll be okay!! I'm glad to be polishing up my line work again!!

If I've learned anything from all the lectures from the studios these past few months it's that I've got to make my lines more of a focus in my portfolio for the types of positions I'm applying for. This is a great excuse to work on them again!! I'm not giving up yet!!

i feel like making a zine abt fatigue nd then including like, things abt autism burnouts nd how my family and colleagues prioritize overworking yourself at your underpaid working class job over taking rest or else you’re lazy nd also when i got the news that i graduated high school and i was so apathetic (nd falling into depression) after studying for exams that i didnt even know how to fake any excitement over the phone nd how the same thing happened to my then best friend nd just how i havent been able to properly rest for years now but at the same time, breaks / holidays make me extremely tired nd depressed nd if i have nothing to do thats required i just lie in bed feeling bad, nd i could include like stories abt how the current pandemic is portrayed whereas for ppl who are bed tied its like this every day but just

im too tired to draw rn i only wanna sleep and cry

it’s time for the good things list for today!!!

under the cut because it’s long!!

saturday march 30th:

-hung out with one of my best friends!!! we went down town!!! we went to the really cheap thrift store, the library, got bubble tea and went to lush!!!

-this gets it’s own point but i got like the UGLIEST pants at the thrift store.....they look like carpet, it’s the best!!! i also got a really nice wind breaker that matched the shirt i was wearing perfectly which made me so happy because i had no jacket to wear with the shirt.....both things were $10!!!! it was pretty great!!!

-there was 50 new bath bombs at lush.....i got one and i wanted to get one for my brother but checked my bank account and found i only had enough for one....and then one of the girls working there who i had remembered from being in before was like “hey have this one on me, it was really nice of u to remember me and say hi!” and i was like ;_; i would DIE for u.....so not only did someone do something nice for me, i also get to do something nice for my brother!!!!!!!! nice things all around!!!!! 

-also when i was in lush, two people complimented my garf earrings i was wearing, and i had a great conversation about garfield with one of the people working there!!!!!! it was so fun!!!!

-got 3 graphic novels at the library!! they’re all pretty short and i am excited to read them!!

-i got excellent bubble tea!!! it was really expensive for the size BUT they put fresh passion fruit in it and it was so tastey.....

-it was a beautiful day out!!!! perfect for wandering around the city with a friend

-my friend bought me a bagel at tim hortons ;_; it was so nice of him

-another one of my friends sent me the garf phone mystery article!!!!!!!

-my friend and i ran into one of the Youths from trans group!!! we didnt get to chat because we were going up the escalators and they were going down but it was nice to see them!!

-we finished down town early enough that my friend came over and we hung out for a few hours!!! we just chilled, it was nice!!

-got asked to come in for an in person interview for a job i did a phone interview for!!!

-drew an excellent garf for my garf zine that i will be posting shortly

-talked to a cute boy about clowns

-listened to something other than mcr on my spotify, which is like neutral because i love mcr and would always listen to them, but i wanted to change it up and bit and heard a song i really liked!!