#yet still persecuting myself to act like i know it
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✨ THE BONDS THAT BIND US • PART ONE ✨
• Pairing: Kirishima X f!Reader (in time)
• Warnings: Talks of Murder and Assassination, Assault, Persecution. Smut will occur later so if you’re under the age of 18 or a blank/ageless blog DO NOT INTERACT WITH THIS SERIES! If I missed anything, please let me know!
• Contents: Fantasy Setting, Dragon Kirishima, Chubby Librarian Reader. All characters are aged up to late 20s-early 30s. Part One is told mostly from Bakugo’s POV, Reader is the Librarian he meets.
• A/N: Made myself finish this chapter as a bday gift to myself. I know I have a lot of other chapter fics I really need to wrap up but this has been the only thing living in my head right now. I’ve drawn some inspiration from Yuzuya’s Fantasy series as well but this story is entirely different. If you haven’t checked out their audio series, seriously please do! I hope you all enjoy the first chapter of this adventure ♥︎
• Word Count: 3,200ish
The city of Spirefall stood tall on the horizon. To most people it was the shining gem of the entire country. But, to Katsuki, the place filled him to dread and anger as it loomed before them. He really didn’t want to get any closer, that was why he insisted on camping a few miles out, where they still had the forest for cover.
“I still don’t like this,” The Dragon Kin Prince grumbled his opinion for the umpteenth time since they woke up less than an hour ago. Most of his breakfast was still sizzling on his plate, untouched since he had no desire to take even a single bite.
“Yeah, but, we don’t have a better plan either.” Izuku brought up, “The library is at the city center. I’m certain they’ll have some useful information for us there.”
“Your stupid library didn’t…” Katsuki quipped right back.
Izuku just narrowed his eyes at one of his oldest friends. “My very small and woefully short supplied library doesn’t hold records and journals from ages past.” He had to remind the heir yet again.
From the time he was able to read, Izuku adored going to the small little library that was established just on the outskirts of his town. He’d go with his mother and come back with piles and piles of books and then go back the next day to do it all over again. As soon as he was old enough to seek an apprenticeship there, he had, and now he’d worked up to being a senior librarian, one of the highest titles someone could achieve.
“But, why couldn’t we have just put in a request to have the books sent to us like we have before!”
“Haven’t we been over this like 10 times since last night!”
The group looked over towards the irritable metallic dragon, lounging while he finished his second helping of food. The remark caused him to be whacked by a faded black to crimson wing belonging to the dragon he called brother.
“What Ei! You know I’m right!”
Eijiro shook his head and explained to the Prince, “You know how long it took us to walk here. It would’ve taken them twice that time to get the texts to us, and even then, we can only request so many at a time. We’ve been looking for the Opals for so damn long now. Just go into the city, hope to the Ancients they have some knowledge we don’t, and then get out.”
Even with all of the logic they placed in front of him, Prince Katsuki still hated going to the city that was responsible for slaughtering so many dragons, so many dragonkin too. He was just supposed to walk into their immaculate city and act like they weren’t a lot of murderers?
It’ll be fine, Katsuki.
Eijiro sent the words through their bond just for him to hear. It’d been a trick they could do ever since they took the oath and had their skin marked at the ages of 18. Beautiful swirls and designs in ink marked the journey they’ve taken together so far. It linked them to each other, a sworn promise to always protect and stand beside the other.
Mental communication wasn’t the only benefit to the marks though. They could also sense the other’s emotions, feel what they were feeling even when they were miles apart. And if they were miles apart, lost on their own, the bond always would lead them back to each other. So long as the other lived, they’d be tied together.
“Fine. C’mon, let’s get this over with.”
He cast his plate of food aside and pretended not to notice when Tetsu’s silver claws snatched it right up. Izuku shoveled the last of his breakfast into his mouth while gathering up his pack because Katsuki was already heading out of the glen, and Izuku would be left behind if he didn’t get a move on.
“What kind of city doesn’t allow weapons?” Katsuki grumbled as they walked past the checkpoint. He felt naked without his swords at his side. Luckily, if they really needed it, he could still use hand to hand or magic but that really wasn’t allowed here either.
“I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but the center of Spire has always been this way.” Izuku couldn’t go on too long of a history lesson because he knew the Prince would merely tune him out. “Out in the residential areas, people are allowed to use them with restrictions to protect their property but within the center, the city guards are expected to protect the market and the people here.”
“You mean those guards?”
Izuku looked off in the direction of the blonde’s scowl. Two guards were at the mouth of an alley, playing a dice game on a stack of crates, not paying a single bit of attention to what was going on around them.
All Izuku could do was shake his head and nudge Katsuki in the right direction. “Let’s just go, the library is this way.”
As much as he didn’t want to admit it, the city itself wasn’t bad. There were people selling food out of small stalls and he knew the dragon’s would be losing their minds if they were here, visiting each and every one of them. But, there were plenty of other shops around too, ones for reagents and gear, metal working, some jewelers, and so many clothing stores that he lost count!
Still, that bead of hate in his chest remained… a city that took so much from his people thrived this much and that made him feel ill.
Before he knew it though, they were walking up a massive set of marble stairs and through grand doors with golden swirled inlays. “So, where the hell do we start?”
“Well, the books written about the Opals themselves would probably be just in your generic information sections–”
“Yeah, but, we don’t need the generic shit. We got plenty of that information already.”
Izuku just rolled his eyes and went on. “Which is why I believe we should start in the lower levels where the personal records are stored.” He tapped his own notebook where he’d been gathering information about travelers and researchers who might have spotted them. “We’ve got a couple names, with any luck, a few of their journals might’ve found their way here.”
“Great, let's hurry it up.”
Together the two of them headed straight for the stairs only to be stopped before they could actually reach them. “Excuse me,” A woman grabbed their attention, “I’m sorry but you’re not able to go into the archives without an appointment and prior authorization from a senior librarian. Do you have an appointment?”
Katsuki went to open his mouth but Izuku spoke first. “We don’t but I do have this.” He pulled out his own credentials and hoped they’d do the trick.
“Oh, you’re from a sister branch! And not a close one either.”
He chuckled softly. “No, not close at all. I wasn’t aware you needed to make appointments at the main branch.”
“It’s just because we tend to get busy and sometimes we don’t have enough staff to escort people.” She looked around, “But, since it’s a slow day, I’m happy to help a fellow senior!” She led the way, beckoning them both to follow her down.
“So, what exactly are the two of you looking for? I assume it’s something specific since you’ve traveled such a long way.”
“We’re looking for information on some dragons.” Izuku answered bluntly.
There were quite a few different ways this stranger could’ve reacted but, considering the city they were in, neither Izuku or Katsuki expected her to spin around with narrowed brows and question, “Why?”
“None of your damn business.” Katsuki retorted. “We need information on the Opal Clan. Do you got it or not?”
Her arms folded in front of her and Izuku almost took a step back. “I asked, ‘why’. Tell me and I’ll let you know what, if any, information I possess.”
Katsuki could feel his blood beginning to boil and he started pushing up his sleeves before he thought better of it. He had another remark ready to go, right on the tip of his tongue, when the woman turned back around with a curt, “fine,” and led the pair further into the belly of the library.
Both men quickly realized they wouldn’t have gotten far at all with this woman’s help anyway. This library had far more security measures than Izuku’s. Magic in place around every corner.
It was quiet as she used a wand to dispel charms and wards to get them where they needed to go but finally, they reached a room that only bathed itself in light upon entering it. “Hopefully we can find what you need in here.”
The Prince’s eyes were bleary from looking at so many journals and scrolls. He swore the dark ink on well worn pages was blurring together even though the librarian and Izuku seemed to be having no trouble at all keeping on.
“Your glasses are in my bag.” Izuku gently reminded him after noticing the way he pushed the heel of his palm further into his eye socket. But, he merely grumbled something about not needing them and held up yet another journal.
He didn’t get very far though before the scratching of quill to paper had his eyes glancing up at the librarian. She’d been busy like this since they’d told her exactly what they were looking for. He still couldn’t figure out what made her change her mind but he wasn’t about to complain. Not when she’d laid out a handful of nesting locations they could check as well as drew them maps detailing how to get to each of them.
“How do you know all about this stuff?” He asked after watching her outline a mountain range.
“I read.” Her answers had been short ever since he’d snapped at her and if he was being honest, he was getting more than a little sick of it.
“Were the dragon’s your area of study to get your senior title?” She nodded her head when Izuku asked. “I see. Mine covered the various sources of magic.”
“So, I’m assuming you did a fair amount of draconic research too.”
“I did.” Izuku smiled broadly. “Obviously not as detailed as you. I just know where a few clans can typically be found but the magic they possess I’m pretty well versed in.”
The two went back and forth. Sharing little bits of information they’d gathered over their years of study. Katsuki sat back and observed. Learned what personal details she let slip about herself.
She’s never left the city of Spirefall, she was raised in the library, everything she’s learned has been from the books and people who drop them off. Woman must’ve been like a damn sponge to retain this much information… even more so than Izuku himself.
He let Izuku do damn near all the talking with her but, eventually, he couldn’t keep the singular question in any longer. “Why?” He breathed.
“Pardon?”
“Why?” This time it had a little more acid to it. “Spirefall… this place you call home, is responsible for so much murder and destruction of dragon kind. So, why study them? Why do you care? Are you feeding information to the hunters? Because we’re not them! We’re not gonna take this information and–”
“Kacchan!” Izuku finally cut him off, “I’m so sorry–”
The librarian just held up a hand. “If I thought you were going to do anything to harm the dragons, I wouldn’t have allowed you down here in the first place.”
“So, you’re just that trusting then, huh?”
“Absolutely not.” She shook her head up then glanced at his arm that was still covered. “I saw what you’re hiding under that sleeve. I’ve never seen one in person but I’ve seen plenty of drawings to know what a life bond looks like when I see one. Your intent must be pure or you wouldn’t have it in the first place.” Her eyes met his then, “you were also smart enough not to bring them into the city with you. That alone shows me how much you care and it is why you’re here rather than thrown out on your ass.”
Izuku’s eyes went wide, his mouth opening and closing trying to figure out something he could say to calm what he was sure would be an irate Katsuki but the blonde was just as stupefied. His friends were the only people able to get away with speaking to him so candidly and even then they usually got an earful but right now, Katsuki was stunned silent.
“I suppose just because you are friends with a librarian doesn’t mean you understand what it means to actually be one, so, allow me to explain it clearly for you: We uphold history and truth, we are protectors of knowledge, and always seek to learn more and expand what we already know.” Her voice dropped to a whisper even though there was no one else in the room to hear her words. “We keep history that certain Emperors would see destroyed if it ever saw the light of day. We are few though, our voices are silenced if we ever try sharing what we know. So, we keep history safe, until there is a day when the truth will actually be heard and believed rather than dismissed by small minded men filled with generations of hate.”
Katsuki didn’t know what to say. Words were trapped in his throat.
“Does that mean proof of the rogue dragon faction really does exist?” Izuku asked just as quietly. “If it does, dragon kind could be exonerated of all these horrible accusations. The Obsidians would no longer be blamed for the slaughter of the original royal–”
“It wouldn’t matter.” Katsuki said quietly when he found his voice again.
“What?! It would prove their innocence. They could fly without fear!”
“Keep your damn voice down.” He hissed and smacked the back of his friend's head. “You know as well as I do the dragon’s tried clearing themselves ages ago when the assassination first happened and plenty of people and places believed them. There are cities and nations where they’re safe. Just not within the lands the Flame Emperor rules… He built his empire on rage and it runs on revenge. It’s rooted so deep that he’d rather destroy proof of innocence than admit he was wrong.”
The librarian nodded her head and Katsuki understood then that she too knew what it was like to live with a truth that no one wanted to hear let alone believe.
“It’s safe here though, yes? Whatever this proof is?” He asked her.
For the first time, she gave him a small smile, “I never said it was here but, yes, it’s safe.”
Katsuki thought a lot about that librarian even after they’d left the city with Izuku’s bag now teeming with new information.
He was quiet the whole way back to camp wondering how many people have tried getting information about the dragons and how many of them she kicked out on their asses, as she so kindly put it. He still didn’t really trust her and he hated Spirefall and the Emperor who called it home. But, it was refreshing to know there was at least someone they could turn to in the city if needed.
She welcomed them back any time, so long as their dragon comrades never stepped foot in the city, and he assured her that would never happen. And, technically, it hadn’t.
When he’d returned to the city later that night in hopes of gaining more information regarding some other clans Katsuki never expected he’d find you cornered by a group of hunters. Just outside the library, belongings scattered on the floor while they pulled and tore at your clothing, not a guard in sight, big surprise.
Having his sword would’ve been ideal but he’d been in a brawl or two, and he had no trouble showing these useless skin sacks what sparring with dragons on a regular basis taught him.
He had one by the hood of his cloak, yanking him backwards hard and fast, tripping him to the ground and elbowing his brow before he could stand back up. One of his comrades turned but Katsuki ducked low and simply flipped them over his shoulder and stomped on their chest for good measure, grabbing your arm before the third fully realized what the hell was going on. Of course, when they did, they only screamed for the guards who suddenly came running.
“Why the hells are they chasing us! You were the one getting attacked!”
“Hunters are basically honorary guards here. They’re well respected. It’ll be my word against theirs and mine will lose!” She explained while running alongside him, “You need to leave before you’re captured.”
He felt her try and pull away but his grip was too strong as he pulled her along. “What will happen to you?”
“Don’t worry about that!”
That answer wasn’t good enough for Katsuki though.
The fire was still going but everyone else at camp was calming down for the night, Eijiro included. He’d been laying out his bed roll when the baby hairs on the back of his neck rose and he felt a wave of panic throughout his whole body.
“It’s Kacchan, isn’t it?” Izuku noticed the redhead go deathly still.
“He’s in trouble… everyone needs to get in the forest, now, I’m going after him!” He was already yanking his shirt over his head.
“Eijiro! Let one of us go!”
“You won’t get there fast enough!” And neither would he unless he transformed.
Any plan would’ve been smarter than him transforming and flying to the city that would have him killed on sight. Even Tet or Mina would’ve stood a better chance but they wouldn’t be able to locate Katsuki like he could. He couldn’t risk it.
He let his wings unfurl and shook the trees around him as he took off, sailing low for the time being and trusting Katsuki would find a way to get to his location. The water was calm and he was thankful no one was on it. He waited silently until he heard explosions and yelling from the city above and then he shot himself upward just as Katsuki flung himself over the cliffside with someone he didn’t know. He felt them both land and then took off faster than he’d ever flown as projectiles were hurled at them.
Katsuki let his own magic fly along with colorful swears and he felt the other body clinging to his spines for dear life. But less than a minute later, they were well out of range. Out of sight too. Safe for now.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed part one! If you want to be tagged in future updates comment below. You must have your age in your profile to be added to the tag list! Thank you ♥︎♥︎♥︎
#the one where Kiri’s a dragon#mha#bnha#mha fic#mha fantasy au#Kirishima#Bakugou#Midoriya#kirishima x reader#dragon kirishima#mha x reader#bakugou katsuki#kirishima eijirou#best red rock shark ♥️🦈#boomboomboi 💥#scar's writing again 📕
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'58. Ah, boy. Took me a couple weeks of off-and-on watching to get through this one. Like, today when I realized I still had forty minutes left after the fall of the barricade, I thought to myself, "You know, I haven't bleached the shower enclosure yet this month. The cat room really could use a sweep. I need to feed out the old dubias." And I went and did all those things instead because they were more engaging of tasks than watching this film. I previously categorized Les Misérables adaptations as "good", "bad good", and "good bad", but now I'm gonna have to add an "indifferent bad" bucket. Unless you are hardcore invested in watching every available adaptation, I'd say this one's fine to skip. Really—I will not rewatch and I've seen BBC 2018 twice. A few thoughts:
The version I watched is a poorly done English dub, and as such I won't speak to the acting overall. Seems unfair. That being said, this is the butchest Marius—Giani Esposito brings to mind Michael Maguire's Enjolras.
The subtitles also have their troubles, which breathed a moment of comedy into the watching experience when the closed captioner misheard "Grantaire" as "Combeferre" and impugned the latter's honor, identifying him as the one getting drunk on the day of revolution. Somehow they also mishear "Mabeuf" as "Laroche"—I'm ninety percent certain this is their ears and not mine.
Danièle Delorme's Fantine is given room to be furious and bitter, spitting on Javert as well as Valjean, mocking the idea that she had easy access to the mayor to plead her case—it's the film's best moment, IMO.
Éponine has a nice lunch with Valjean and Cosette and is gifted a new dress in a sequence that brings to mind clumsily done but sweet Cosette/Éponine fanfics.
'58 makes several alterations that I am indifferent to (see: combining II.III.VIII-X and II.V.I-V) on the principle that every adaptation needs its room to breathe, but what the fuck is up with Javert being the Toulon warden's son, Thénardier being an actual sergeant, and Mabeuf a revolutionary? Those are backstory changes that have significant repercussions to understanding the characters—and they're not repercussions really played out by the film. Granted that Thénardier as a sergeant is played for laughs, so it has some function.
Javert asks Valjean "What made you save my life this morning?" and gets the merciless response "You really don't know why? I pitied you." Brutal. Don't blame the guy for jumping in the Seine. (More seriously: the film implies that Javert has had some kind of awakening here, seeing those he has previously ignored or persecuted, twitching when a poor man flees his presence—perhaps there's a flowering of pity—it's a breath away from being an interesting interpretation of the character.)
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LO RANT:
Okay this is more of an observation but has anyone else noticed that the comic as a whole tip toes around the Apollo situation yet goes off on minor occurrences or inconveniences towards the lower class? Bare with me while I explain myself.
Many powerful people know about what happened to Persephone whether it was by her recall (even if she wasn’t in charge of it) or some otherworldly intuition of it. They all know what happened to her, and listen when I say I do understand that she deserves to get justice at her own pace and I in no way want to push this narrative where if it happens to you you must tell someone immediately or whatever because it takes a lot of time to process and in this society, crimes like this are rarely taken seriously. Especially when it involves the victims. But I just don’t understand any of it, Persephone obviously wanted justice for herself during season 1 (or 2??) with the whole Lyre thing if she didn’t want to call Apollo out she wouldn’t have stolen it. But now that she has more people willing to believe her and even Hera wiped the pictures (or at least that’s what’s implied with the comic? Idk, the whole meeting with Hephaestus) so shouldn’t they be at least trying to take action?
Apollo is literally running for president yet no one cares. He’s still in a position of power even though many other powerful gods know about the disgusting shit he’s done, I’m just not understanding why no one has at least tried to strip some of his access away from him. Everything surrounding the Apollo situation has been so quiet, if you understand what I’m trying to say, there’s been no real resolve and everybody acts like they’re over it and Apollo isn’t a free man. Even Persephone played it for a joke in recent chapters (when she was describing the whole monster thing she was referring to Kronos and Apollo) and it doesn’t even feel like it ever happened.
Then what really irks me about this whole thing is that Apollo barely gets demonized as much as he deserves. Let this be a nymph that Persephone had a bad encounter with after 10 years though and they get all the threats and repercussions. I hate the fact that this comic punches down on the lower class citizens and shit on them whenever they can yet when you have someone like Apollo walking freely he barely gets half of the shit that they do which just baffles the fuck out of me.
Listen I know Apollo is demonized by the fandom, that’s great, but it’s hard to even correlate that with the comic when it doesn’t even share the same energy. Apollo is untouchable in this comic because the comic itself doesn’t do anything in order to actually persecute and demonize him. It’s incredible how it’s been this long yet no one actually brings it up nor do they have a motivation too, it just feels like to me personally the comic walks on eggshells with Apollo (not because it’s a sensitive topic but because it’s just not seen as a big of a deal as it actually is at least to me personally) while if they’re dealing with any of the lower class citizens they don’t hold back. Why is that the morals of this comic? It’s idiotic.
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"Not alike. I have nothing inherently in common with any trans woman." You don't get it, do you? From everything in your rant, you literally see men's persecution of you to be a validation of your womanhood. That somehow men "know better" and thus can be trusted, in their hateful bias, to justify your own hateful bias. Do you see how much that makes you a servant of the patriarchy? That you put your trust of judgement of what is a woman, in the hands of men that would see you enslaved.
Men do not know better "know better". I know better. I know that my oppression is sex based, and it is the epitome of privilege that you are more willing to listen to a minority of men than half the human population when it comes to defining what a woman is.
"That you put your trust of judgement of what is a woman, in the hands of men that would see you enslaved." I know what a goddamn woman is, and the exact men who would see me enslaved are the fucking men claiming to be like me, to be entitled to my sexual attraction, my privacy, and to strip me of my ability to name my material reality. Men who claim they know what a woman is better than women are the patriarchy.
See, the difference between myself and a trans woman is that I don't need anybody's validation. I am female, an adult, and a human, so I am a woman. That's it. I can cut my hair, change my name, wear "masculine" clothing, refuse to shave, sleep with other women, and I will still be as much a woman as the most feminine straight woman on the planet. Everybody on the planet could be irrationally convinced I'm male, and I still wouldn't be. And yet even the most passing trans woman on the planet is a male. A trans woman could have everybody on earth telling him he's not, but he is. Men's persecution of me isn't what makes me a woman. I am a woman, and so I am persecuted by men on the basis of my sex. How ridiculous, to act as though for me to name the basis of my oppression is to perpetuate it. How transparent.
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I definitely want more of "startle" please!! Sorry I accidentally posted this to Kitthekazoo, oops.
[ original drabble ]
Hi, nonny! Absolutely no worries on the mix up - with a shared AU like this, it's bound to happen a few times.
I'm so glad you asked for an expansion on this one! Honestly, when I said I would happily expand on any of these drabbles, I had this one and a couple others specifically in mind. And it's under a cut because I have no idea why I thought I would stick to ~500 words (it's almost 1k and literally no one was shocked)
Warnings: brief mention of a weapon, allusion to the persecution of magic users but nothing specific is mentioned
When Mouse twisted and got to his feet, he slid into offensive action instead of defense and brought the knife up in a smooth motion, stopping at the intruder’s neck as a warning just as he locked eyes with… Jay.
There was a beat where neither of them moved, completely silent while they watched each other. They didn't break their locked gazes until time unfroze again, when Mouse stepped back and quickly dropped the blade away from its dangerous position.
In the rush to appear harmless, he let go of the knife without a second thought, releasing it back to the universe and the place he'd borrowed it from. When he held his hands up in a show of surrender, they were empty, and he would keep them that way.
"I am so sorry. You just surprised me, and I don't like to be touched, and-"
"Mouse. Hey, man, it's cool. I'll be louder next time I come in." For his part, Jay didn't seem upset or even fazed by the brief confrontation. He was just as calm as ever, although that could probably be due to the fact that he was never fazed by anything. "Relax. I just came downstairs to ask if you found anything yet."
Mouse took a slow breath before lowering his hands again with a small nod of his head. "Right... well, no, not yet. I'll get back to the search in a minute. Is there anything else you needed, or...?"
Shaking his head, Jay glanced toward the screens before looking back at him again. The conversation should have ended there, should have been dropped to never be mentioned again, or only mentioned after he was far enough away that any attempt at catching him in the act of illegal magic would be pointless. But it didn't, not when the detective was looking at him a little too closely.
"Actually, can I see that knife? I'll give it back, I promise, that was just a neat move. Did you pick that up when you were a kid?"
It was easy to forget that so many pieces of his past were common knowledge, that almost everyone upstairs knew he'd been alone for part of his life. He had been something for an entire team of observers to talk and gossip about for weeks, he was sure, and that meant they knew about his years on the streets before the universe decided he was allowed to be lucky. Almost two decades of a proper family life with his mother and his sister didn't change where he came from. And there was really no point in lying to someone who knew so much already.
"Uh... yeah. Had to protect myself, and Kim, and our food when we could get it. I guess I haven't shaken all of the old habits yet. I'm really sorry, again, I shouldn't have done that, even if I was surprised. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
"No harm done. I don't even think you nicked me." Jay shrugged his shoulders, glancing down at Mouse's hands where they were still in view. "You're good at hiding things. Another old habit?"
"I guess." Mouse frowned and leaned back so his weight was against the edge of his desk, creating and keeping a new chunk of space between them. It was an attempt to cling to what little comfort he still had left, the room that was supposed to be his to control how he liked. But that was getting increasingly difficult when his secret was barely being held close to his chest anymore. "Look, I know I'm still new around here, and I'll take the shit for whatever hazing or whatever you need to do, okay? I-"
"The knife's gone." Jay cut him off again with an unreadable expression. It was achingly neutral, carefully composed so that Mouse couldn't tell what he was thinking beyond the obvious. "Did you do ma-?"
"Please, don't say anything." Mouse shook his head quickly, standing up straight again with a weaker frown. "I'll quit, if you want, and leave, and never come back. Just... if anyone knows about me, they'll go after mom and Kim, and then they'll-"
"Hey, hey, hey, I'm not gonna rat you out." It was Jay's turn to hold his hands up in a show of harmlessness, shaking his head slower. He was never anything but calm, almost too put together for the situation, but Mouse couldn't afford to question it. "Seriously, I don't care what you can do. My... my brother can do things, too. I mean, he can't pull a knife out of thin air, or anything, but it's the same secret, right? And you're... what? Hiding in plain sight? It's smart. It's safer than running, that's for sure. I won't say anything. Promise. I'll even pinky swear if that'll make you feel better."
"No, you don't... you don't need to do that." Taking a deep breath, Mouse bit his tongue to keep his own expression under control. He didn't want to show his fear, shoving trembling fingers into his pockets while he forced his shoulders to relax. "Thank you. I'll owe you for this, big time. Anything you need, just let me know. I'd say keep it legal, but I'm, uh... I'm kind of a criminal just by breathing, so I guess nothing I do is technically legal..." His words trailed off while he frowned to himself, blinking in a half hearted attempt to refocus his gaze.
"Hey."
"Huh...?"
Mouse lifted his head, catching his tongue between his teeth again while he actually met Jay's eyes with his own for the first time since he'd been holding a blade to the detective's neck. He was actually smiling, not wide but not hiding it either, and his words were gentle while he shook his head.
"We're good."
#answered#anon#one chicago#jay halstead#mouse gerwitz#greg gerwitz#greg mouse gerwitz#moustead#cpd#chicago pd#magic au#alex says things
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I have a hard time thinking blankly in my mind so I wanted to write as I tried to pray this Palm Sunday.
Today is the first day of Holy Week. It's my first Palm Sunday - being aware of it, learning what it is. I am so new to this. But I've been mourning. I had a cookie with breakfast and been wanting more ever since. My boyfriend gave me his cookie too and I have been wanting more ever since. When he left for work I've been watching tiktoks about sex trafficking, sexual abuse, ritual abuse, child actor and celebrity abuse. I've found shipping discourse that made me realize people will invent problems and I realize that people will ignore more difficult to swallow problems for something that makes them feel justified. Because people want to feel justified. I want to feel justified that I deserve to spend even more of my credit card because I am craving more treats than I was given. I want to feel justified for the content I consume because otherwise I'm not wanted in any online space.
But I still did the dishes.
It hurts my body. But I still did the dishes.
I'm having my water and heat pad right now and I'm sorry for not praying earlier. I am sorry for joking on your behalf. And I'm sorry for not loving my enemy as myself because my enemy is myself and I'm sorry I thought I deserve for your hate but this is how you made me.
I don't think you would have made me have this attraction if you thought I wouldn't still be loveable.
You made me still loveable, right? My boyfriend told me last night,
we were talking about being more open, like sexually, if we would ever have a third or swing or anything, which is already not something really viewed positive to you I think but
He told me that it's okay to have sexual fantasies that you don't act on.
And I said but what if it makes me enjoy my intimacy with you less?
And he said but you deserve to have both. And you can. You can enjoy your time with your thoughts and then come back with me.
It felt like...forgiveness. I said I don't think I would be able to do those fantasies but he didn't know how many others I had that were less easy to say. When my boyfriend reassures me, it feels like God is asking me to pray.
That small angelic voice, "you know, those are okay too. You haven't acted on them. You won't hurt anybody."
"You won't hurt someone because you thought that."
But what does it mean to hold my thoughts captive? Confine? "restrict within certain limits"?
I suppose.
God I want to pray to you for all of these abused children. I'm horrified and speechless.
...
I left to shave honestly. I guess my brain didn't want to finish that sentiment. I completely forgot what I was even writing.
So I'll check up on some You Version plans.
1 Corinthians 1:28 NRSV
God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are
What is lower and depised? Not as a contest. But I certainly am for many. Yet I persist. Because I must. I have values and dreams. I have loved ones. God is not finished with me yet.
2 Corinthians 12:10 NRSV
Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
"To truly believe that God is made strong in your weakness takes faith. It takes believing in someone else’s power instead of your own. It takes surrendering your idea and the world’s image of strength to the God who created the very concept of strength itself. It takes trusting that the God who sent his Son to die for you has a better plan to redeem your pain than you could ever ask for or imagine. It takes leaning on God for strength to get through the day, and for everything else you need.
And once you depend on God for everything, he becomes everything you need. He is faithful to fill you up minute by minute and second by second, as long as you come to him and ask. If you’re feeling like you don’t know how to make it through the day, take it one step at a time, one breath at a time, one thought at a time." - Tera Bradham
I wonder if Jesus looked at me and thought you were made for a day like this. You are what I need you to be today.
Is this what he needed me to be today? Someone who did the dishes and drank water and shaved?
I hear someone come home I didn't want to.
I want to cut and if I can't cut I'll binge eat.
If I can't binge eat I'll look into internet gossip and discourse.
If I can't do that, then I'll doomscroll and wear my hope down.
If I can't do that, then I'll have to sit and wait.
I sit and wait then crave anger. I need someone to take it out on. I country. Van families. Vacation victim baby. N channel. And if I think about the people who make me angry for caring more about cartoons than those things. I'll have to wait. I binge eat because I'm mad at who hurt me. I don't deserve to get hurt over it. And even though he's home hurting myself won't take that away. What can I do to help people? What can I do to help people?
Lost and insecure
You found me.
You found me!
Laying on the floor (surrounded! surrounded!)
Where were you?
Where were you?!
Oh cutting myself never taught me a life lesson.
Cutting myself never made me feel confident.
Cutting myself never made someone forgive me.
Cutting myself never made me forgive myself.
When I was looking for abuse, literally asking for it, when I was searching for what I thought I needed to feel loved, I thought I would be able to fight back with my words. And I wasn't able to fight back with my words. I was like wow I really can't just argue my way out of this.
It sounds really stupid putting it like this:
Ordering Insomnia Cookies will not make me grieve the loss of a random murdered infant I had nothing to do with and will never be able to prevent or undo the impact of. Cookies will not undo the trauma child actors to through. And it certainly won't tell anti shippers their entire identity and blogs and dnis and etc are a WASTE OF TIME. JOURNAL. DON'T READ IT. DO THE DISHES. DRINK WATER. SHAVE. WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE ANIME GIRLS WHEN CHILDREN ARE BEING ABUSED? WHY DO I CARE ABOUT ARGUING WITH YOU MORE THAN I CAN ACTUALLY FACE WHAT I CAN'T DO? I CAN'T HELP THEM EITHER. I CAN'T HELP THOSE CHILDREN EITHER AND WE ARE ALL DOING THE BEST WE CAN.
That's exactly how stupid I need to get right now.
I want another box of cookies.
I want to look at problematic hentai.
I want to know it's not my fault for the abuse I asked for.
And it's Palm Sunday. I want to wash my mouth with soap.
"Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus,
Who, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God something to be grasped.
Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to death,
even death on a cross.
Because of this, God greatly exalted him
and bestowed on him the name
that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus
every knee should bend,
of those in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that
Jesus Christ is Lord,
to the glory of God the Father."
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the curse of that family
hypocrite blood, cursed blood
loud words, violent even
but no action, no "walking the talk" (yes I cringe at this phrase too but wtv)
your family values
speak of freedom, yet coerce
speak of justice, yet root for dictators
speak of respect, yet bully
speak of good works, yet laze around
speak of love, yet abandon
violence is your hammer
manipulation, your nail
toxically manipulating each other
a cesspool of anger, resentment, repression, despair
--
it has now been 10 years since running away
almost 4 since a very brief reconnect, grieving over her death
grandma, what mixed feelings... I still miss you
but besides you, I only miss one uncle
maybe some cousins
but it's not worth reconnecting
I tried forgiving, when you passed away
but only a few days showed me I was right to run away
I hate how much influence you had over me
how much love I wasted with you
I thought you loved me back
but the minute I tried to be myself
you disdained, hated, despised
you were never worth a drop of tear
--
me and dad are thankfully distant from you all
he is the only reason I don't want to change my surname
idk if I'll have children, but maybe my siblings (from him) will
I know they're thousands of kilometers away
sheltered from that environment
how blessed, that they will never have to grow up in that apartment
we can redefine surnames
and families
this one wasn't so cursed once
my father recently reminded me that we have Jewish blood
centuries ago, in Spain, to avoid persecution, we, along with thousands of other Jews, adopted new surnames, to avoid persecution
how ironic, once persecuted
centuries later,
defenders of persecutors
--
I used to think I needed to forget about you all
but I've recently come to remember all the bullshit
and how much of it I still carry within me
like you lot, I struggle to love myself
I instead frequently let myself have this unearned pride and arrogance that is characteristic of the way you lead life
of royalty-pretenders, boot-lickers, suckers
welled deep into insecurity
...
I want to remember you all for a bit
as an example of the bottoms one can reach
as an example, of what not to be
how not to act like
--
I want to love myself
not in a narcissistic manner like you guys
(if calling that self-love is even appropriate lol)
but by deserved achievements
hard-work, sweat
by critical, free thought
by listening, respecting, cooperating
leading by example
loving, truthfully
as Renato Russo sang:
"our sacred sweat,
is much better than your bitter blood"
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How the hell do I say this
I've done a lot of terrible things in my life. I've hurt people, and knowing that it stings them, burdens me. Although I have not committed problems on a scale as yours, but it just feels... relatable to know how much your past mistakes will chase you wherever you go, and you can't do anything to remove the trauma that you've caused, and you feel extremely bad for it.
Watching you on my laptop screen didn't really fix me, it didn't flip my life. But what it did taught me is that I should be questioning the things I do around me. The terrible things I have done were because I didn't know any better because I'm just an 18 year old person.. the terrible things you've done were because your family never taught you moral values like parents should. But that doesn't excuse both of our bad behaviours, as it still affects the world around us. Our actions matter the most even if a lot of people say things like "saying sorry is the first step". And that's going to suck because bad habits die hard.
I don't want to waste this youth I have right now repeating the same mistakes I've done before, push away the friends I have, act all high-headed when I'm at the top.. I will be more self-conscious of myself. And you; BoJack; are are case study of what not to be. I swear to god, I was rooting for you when you became a professor, and when you agreed with your friend Diane that you should be coming clean first then continue with your already-improved life that had the new you in it, but then you turned back into the old you.. I don't want to be like that. I'm scared that I might because it's a possibility especially when you're in panic mode, but I really don't want to be like that.
About that letter from Hollyhock.. I don't know what the contents inside of it are. I felt bad for you because she was the only family member you had and you would never hurt her, you tried to made amends for her, but she looked at this issue with you under a different light, and I wouldn't blame her for cutting ties with you. A part of me wishes that your half-sister would forgive you in the future but that can only happen if you start to make genuine improvements. And that's where the hard truth comes in; reputation is so easy to tarnish, yet so hard to get. Which is why I would want to be more self-conscious about what I do from now on to prevent that from happening. That doesn't invalidate your ability to be better though, I've had multiple people not forgive me for causing stings to them but I need to face it.
Ironically, a few days ago I sent a letter by post to my ex, sending her back a pin she bought for me. Felt like I needed to do so because it was emotionally exhausting to be with her knowing the circumstances of our breakup. So why should I feel bad about BoJack receiving a letter from someone who genuinely think he's a selfish murderer and borderline pedophile if I myself cut ties with my ex using post as well.. Maybe its' because I'm looking at your views of the story.
I love you BoJack Horseman. I genuinely believe you're a man with conflicting feelings just like I myself am. I want to be a better person while still learning and admitting to my past mistakes. I want to be better. This show motivates me to do that, even though I made you a negative case study. And I hope you do too, whether your friends are there or not... after being persecuted in the courts, I really want a good ending for you.
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ok a little bit of (maybe bullshit) costume analysis here for your consideration: the triangle pocket on Mike’s shirt here... reminded me of the triangle symbol used on the pink triangle pride flag. (not to mention the fact the muppet poster behind him has a rainbow on it already lmao)
(the first flag pic is taken from footage of one of the ACT UP protests of the 80s)
EDIT: now that there’s confirmation from Finn that this outfit was handmade for Mike this season... I’m gonna post this again lol.
[tw for the Keep Reading section: contains references to/images of gay men in N*zi concentration camps and discusses the persecution of gay men. nothing graphic, but i wanted to put a warning just in case...]
(+ disclaimer: i am not a historian or prominent activist, any and all of this research has been conducted by myself and is limited to what i have currently seen/read. i do not claim to be an expert. some of the information i have may be faulty, plain wrong, or now outdated. feel free to let me know if you spot anything that is incorrect, has bad sources, or is disrespectful so i can fix it!)
now, while i certainly would hope mike’s struggle with identity and his feelings would become more overt over the course of the season, if this is where they’re going to officially take mike’s character, it would make sense to have the first few episodes using mostly coding/subtext to convey Mike’s confusion until mike feels ready to talk about it and feels he has the right words so it doesn’t feel too abrupt to general viewers not as closely following/used to decoding subtext (which would also make sense because, again, in-universe he likely doesn’t have the words to describe his feelings and experience just yet).
so, without further ado, here are some more examples of the pink triangle and how these messages and their imagery could tie into a possible arc where we see Mike struggling with his sexuality this season...
the famous SILENCE = DEATH flag here also reminded me so much of Mike likely having a ‘One Way’ or ‘This Way’ sign pointed directly towards his closet in his room back in Hawkins... aka he will have to stay silent/in the closet if he stays in Hawkins or doesn’t get away for a while to ‘find himself’. now combine this with the fact that Mike is going to Cali for spring break and therefore getting a chance to get out and far away from Hawkins (and his “closet”), that makes his upcoming arc this season even more compelling to me.. if i am onto something here.
+ since this season will likely already contain heavy themes of how, over time, the continual Lack of Access to Info, Spreading Misinfo & Cover Ups, Repression, Secrets, Lies, and Mistrust as a result of those Lies = Escalation of Tension and even Death [be it a physical or metaphorical death, of self/of relationships/trust/community/etc] what with Vecna being the new big bad or whatever, it would make sense more than ever for them to tackle this side of Mike’s character this season...
as it seems like the 2019 HBO Limited Series on Chernobyl has inspired a lot of the visuals/coloring for this season (and the Duffers even managed to snag the makeup artist from the series to work on the makeup/SFX for Vecna this season), I’d imagine this quote could apply to this season’s themes just as well: “What is the cost of lies? It's not that we'll mistake them for the truth. The real danger is that if we hear enough lies, then we no longer recognize the truth at all.” and these political themes are certainly still just as relevant today as they were in the 80′s.
(separating this bit from the rest since it’s a bit of a detour from the topic as it pertains to themes of this season/series as a whole, rather than relating to specifically Mike’s struggles with sexuality..)
+ [ST4 SPOILERS AHEAD] the themes of ‘going out west’: consider the lyrics from the song that plays over Mike reading his letter from El, California Dreamin’, “i’d be safe and warm if i was in LA...” (compare this to how Will described the ‘Upside Down’ as somewhere dark, empty, dangerous and cold..) and how also in the letter, one of the lines El pens is ‘I think you will love it here [in California].’ when Cali is ...
(blue text’s source: http://picturethis.museumca.org/timeline/reagan-years-1980s/gay-lesbian-rights/info)
[the potential for any ST4 SPOILERS currently leaked Ends Here.]
now, onto the triangle symbol itself. the upside down pink triangle symbol was made infamous as a piece of pink cloth that was sewn onto the uniforms of gay men in N*zi concentration camps as a way to identify them and persecute them.
the placement of these patches was located where the right breast pocket was/would be. so maybe you can see why i immediately did a double take seeing that triangle on the right-side pocket of mike’s shirt.. again, i would certainly hope they’d get more overt as the season goes along-- but i could understand using these subtle cues to the LGBT viewers at first as a way to sort of signal that ‘hey this is where we’re going with this character’
i believe this history ties in as well with a theme in ST of how the 80′s a lot of knowledge and access to information could be more easily limited/relegated to what media you were able to see or read due to there not being an easily accessible source of endless information (and misinfo alike lol) in most people’s homes like we have now. a lot of the history on the pink triangles was difficult to divulge for a long time as well, due to the ongoing persecution of the LGBT community-- so it was unsafe or just didn’t seem wise at the time for survivors, who had already been forced to endure such unspeakable trauma, to hold onto these things which would likely only serve as painful ‘reminders’ for most.
of course, this could all just be coincidence... it could just so happen that they wanted a simple shape and the one they used was a triangle, maybe the costume designer just likes that shape for pockets, or maybe it was generally a popular design in the 80′s (i’m not a fashion expert, nor was i coming of age in the 1980′s so sorry i’m not sure either way there lol)... but if it isn’t a coincidence, i could see this being a visual representation of mike’s fears of his secret being ‘found out’ while also aimlessly signaling how he desperately wants someone who is gay to notice the signals he’s giving off-- he wants someone who understands to answer his changed demeanor as the cry for help it is. it’s even harder to ask for help when you don’t currently have the words for what it is you’re struggling with, because that isn’t me saying mike consciously was thinking these things when he chose that shirt, but rather it’s a way of conveying the subtext/what mike is feeling and thinking by the designers to the audience through recognizable symbols.
(here are some links to sources with more information on the pink triangles:
/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLwSF9uhNQQ&ab_channel=PoweredByRainbows%E2%84%A2
/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kj-wGkcyTL8&ab_channel=UnitedStatesHolocaustMemorialMuseum
/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OxH1rqBAgw&t=747s&ab_channel=JamesSomerton
/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o84srvQAaWk&ab_channel=CambridgeDocumentaryFilms
/ https://thereaderwiki.com/en/Pink_triangles
/ https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/the-men-with-the-pink-triangle-heinz-heger)
the pink triangle was a symbol eventually reclaimed by LGBT activists and became a more well-known symbol amongst the community and then to the general public in the late 80′s/90′s. sometimes this reclamation involved turning the triangle from upside down to right-side up, as a “reversal” of its original usage, and has since been used and adapted as such onscreen... take, for example, one of the costume designs for Dr. Frank ‘N' Furter here...
(https://forward.com/culture/352199/the-secret-jewish-history-of-the-rocky-horror-picture-show/ & https://medium.com/thinking-about-queer-art-performance/rated-r-for-resistance-c6e21611a0fa)
but again.. this could all be a massive stretch so.. just take it with a grain of salt! these are purely inferences i’ve made thru my own lens where i recognize a lot of this imagery pretty immediately so i have a bias probably lol.
+ new addition post-s4: I also found it interesting the parallel between how the Act Up organization made their own shirts for protests and how Dustin makes specific mention of how The Hellfire Club makes their own t-shirts..
#fun fact the first time i ever heard of the 'triangle' being a symbol of 'the gays' was bc some dad in this group i was in as a kid saw i#was dressed as tinky winky for halloween...#n he went up to my mom and was like 'U LET UR KID WATCH *THAT SHOW*!?!?' and went on a whole tnagent where my mom was like...#'....ok but shes literally five how would she get ANY of that ??????'#which sounds maybe insulting but she was RIGHT! have u not seen the devastating state of our current media literacy teaching Craig?#... but now i AM gay so hey who knows!#/j#the being gay thing is not a joke... that guy being 'right' is a joke LOL#the real joke on him is that now i DO know what the triangle means but... it uh. certainly wasnt until i got to be college aged LOL#and yea it could def just be coincidence trust me i dont rule that out but lemme indulge#this was in my drafts for a while cuz i didnt know if it was like... problematic?? in the way im presenting this#feels too light almost. im not sure. maybe im just paranoid but i want to be respectful lol#so if anyone has any feedback on that front dont hesitate to reach out
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the other thing that i keep thinking about, especially now that i’ve been knee-deep in conversation about kakashi’s father for the last couple days, is the amount of politically/socially-charged context kakashi must be constantly navigating as a leaf shinobi, even though we don’t get to see much of it.
the transformation of the hidden leaf village is obviously still a work in progress, and society never changes overnight. we’ve heard at various points in shippuden about the still-present divide between hardliners like danzo and the (somewhat) more moderate senju line, and it’s clear that there are still plenty of reactionary/conservative forces at work in the shinobi world, which means there are absolutely still segments of the population who would view the kind of challenge that kakashi and his students pose to traditional shinobi values as a threat. and back when kakashi first chose to reaffirm his father’s principles, i’m sure it was much worse - the way minato tells it, the entire village and the land of fire turned on sakumo, and it’s not like all those people just disappeared when kakashi finally allowed himself to recognize that all of them were doing something wrong. they were still there. they were his neighbors. they were his colleagues. he had to live with them. he had to work with them - he had to work FOR them, even. to this day, he still does.
like. i am FASCINATED by the complexities of this situation, even though we barely see any of it. just...thinking about thirteen year-old kakashi being a member of the Jonin Assembly alongside all of these grown adults who persecuted his father until the “great man who everyone looked up to” couldn’t survive it any longer. thinking about teenage kakashi lost and “waiting to die” in the anbu black ops, but still breaking every rule to rescue little tenzo from a hardline conservative who tried to have kakashi assassinated. thinking about adult kakashi, still a member of that same Jonin Assembly, still working alongside people he can clearly remember harassing and attacking his father for saving their lives, being asked to serve as a clandestine hokage under danzo’s nose, because foreign nations trust kakashi where they don’t trust the actual nominee, and then being nominated for real when danzo turns up dead (and having his nomination approved, i might add, by the land of fire, whose government officially blamed kakashi’s father for the damage that resulted from that abandoned mission years before).
we only get hints about the lingering controversy surrounding kakashi and his family via danzo and, occasionally, the village elders, but like. kakashi occupies such a complex place in the hidden leaf village, because he’s become incredibly respected and renowned by many (if not most) of its residents, but he also spends every day of his life moving within a community where many (if not most) of the older people around him participated in a campaign of vicious harassment against his father, one that ultimately led to his death. some of them may have had changes of heart after sakumo’s suicide - that seems like the kind of thing that might have shocked some people into reevaluating their positions, particularly given how respected sakumo was prior to that time - and some of them probably died later in the war, but we know there’s still a conservative faction active in the hidden leaf village, and some of those people are always going to be who they are. and even the people who aren’t - even the ones who regret how they acted - it’s still so complicated! how do you continue to live and work in that environment? how do you navigate a history of being harmed in that way, when you still have to collaborate with and/or serve the same people who did the harming, some of whom likely view you with the exact same disdain they had for your father?
kakashi manages it, somehow, though i’ll bet he has complicated feelings about it, even if he keeps them to himself. and that’s yet another reason why (if i can just take these thoughts on a slight detour to the present) i think kakashi’s relationship with sasuke is so vitally important, especially moving forward. sasuke’s family was wronged by the village too, in horrific, unforgivable ways - the shinobi system swallowed itachi whole and sacrificed the entire uchiha clan on the altar of a mission, in exactly the kind of evil, inhuman decision-making process that sakumo and obito and kakashi said could never be justified. the uchiha were victims of the same shinobi system that drove kakashi’s father to his death - the one that said “everything is acceptable as long as the task at hand is accomplished. people are disposable in service to a mission.” both sasuke and kakashi’s families fell to a cultural context that refused to acknowledge that it is never okay to sacrifice your comrades for a mission, a cultural context that embraced this belief to the point where even literal genocide became excusable.
if sasuke is ever going to really and truly Come Home, he’s going to need to learn how to navigate this situation. not to excuse the wrong that was done, and certainly not to give up on getting justice for himself and his clan, but also to figure out, in conjunction with these important tasks, how to continue existing in an environment where so much officially-sanctioned harm was done to his person, and where so many people around him have at least a little bit of history of being suspicious of or uncharitable towards the uchiha clan, even though they obviously didn’t know about the impending coup or danzo’s extermination order.
it’s an incredibly complicated situation, and even if kakashi doesn’t have all the answers, he can at least understand what it feels like to be in that kind of position. he’s been navigating something like this for many, many years. he’s the precedent, someone who can help sasuke wrestle with the perhaps unanswerable questions of how am i supposed to dedicate myself to a place that wronged me like this? why should i protect people who hurt me so badly? is there even a way for me to move forward here, if i can’t forgive the ones who took my family away from me? can this actually be my home again, when i know what it did to my people?
kakashi has obviously managed to come up with answers to these questions that enable him to stay integrated in his community and keep building a future he believes in, though I doubt any of his answers are simple, and i’m sure there are some things that he’s just had to accept will never be fully settled in his heart. it’s like what he says to obito in an episode i watched recently: “i don’t know anything for sure, either...i’ve thought that this world is hell, too...but...” it’s the but that matters. even in the face of confusion and complexity, kakashi has found a way to keep moving. he’s learned to co-exist with the uncertainty and discomfort surrounding him, and to make his own meaning out of this life, regardless of how complicated his internal relationship with the village might be. he’s found a way to keep his eyes trained on the light, whatever that light might look like for him, and even if said light is only, as gaara says, “the faintest glimmer.” he has so much to teach someone like sasuke, who up until recently was responding to that same plea of gaara’s with a fatalistic “i shut my eyes a long time ago. the things i seek now lie only in the darkness.”
anyway. i am just having Many Thoughts currently about the intricacies of the political and social context that kakashi is always navigating, even though he never says a word about it. and i’m curious whether this family history will ever come up again in the last fifth of this show. if i were going on instinct alone, i’d suspect that we weren’t quite done with sakumo yet - i feel like we barely even started with him, to be honest (and also - whatever happened to kakashi’s mother???) - but i should know better at this point than to try and predict what this show is going to do, so i’ll just wait and see.
#naruto#meta#pan watches naruto#i got lost on the path of life#this is something i've always kind of wondered about in the back of my mind#but i started really focusing on it recently because of the conversations i've been having with dreamersscape about shikamaru and kakashi#because the other thing i think about in conjunction with this topic is how the kids have absolutely zero clue about any of this#sakumo's story seems to be - at least from what i've seen so far -#something that the entire leaf village just decided to never discuss again immediately after it reached its horrifying conclusion#whether out of shame or whatever else#it's buried history#even in the immediate aftermath - obito only knows the white fang as 'that hero who died protecting the village'#the rest of the story seems to have become That Of Which We Do Not Speak#and naruto's generation is even further removed from the history than obito was; so they just have no idea#like - naruto once asked kakashi who lady chio meant by 'the white fang'; and when kakashi uncomfortably answered 'my father'#naruto was so shocked by the concept of kakashi having parents that he never even asked any follow-up questions XD XD XD#so anyway i'm just thinking about how much the younger kids are going to start learning after they come home and start climbing the ranks#eg shikamaru shadowing kakashi in jonin circles and starting to pick up on dynamics he hasn't been exposed to before#bc i'm sure kakashi's philosophy for preparing jonin aspirants will be just as stubbornly renegade as his process for genin#and i can imagine there are certain tasks he'll set or standards he'll outline that might stir up some muttering#at least among the old guard#anyway. i think about this stuff a lot#the kids starting to learn all of the things that everybody else already knows about kakashi but nobody ever talks about#including kakashi himself#sasuke got the cliffsnotes version the day he left the leaf village; but there is still SO MUCH he and the other kids aren't aware of#they know nothing about kakashi's history with obito or rin or yamato or itachi; or what happened to his father; or how he got his sharingan#or that he was targeted for assassination by danzo as a teenager#they have no idea what his life was like AT ALL; and honestly i think kakashi wanted it to be that way#but that bubble has to pop eventually; and i can only imagine the kids' faces when they start to discover just how much they never knew.
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my thoughts after reading my policeman: SPOILERSS of course!! (ignore spelling or grammar mistakes) (this is very ramble-y and not as in depth as it could have been sorrryyy lol, if you want specifics send me an ask after reading this)
okay...so i read the book in 3 days....which....im very proud of myself bc it takes me so long to finish books but that’s not why you are reading this.
im not going to lie to you...i liked the book. i love angst, and this had plenty of it and i liked it. if you like books such as: harry potter, six of crows, red queen, red white and royal blue you will not like this book. i know many people found it boring, which yeah i can see that, but i didn't find it boring at all. but mostly because i love boring books but that's beside the point.
the book flowed easily, there isn't a bunch of raunchy sex scenes that ive seen people say it has (i...the things ive read idk what book they even read????) and Tom does has backward views on marriage and what it means to be a wife. but he is not overtly sexist or misogynist or abusive, or subvertly those things either. to be frank he's a scared gay man in the 50s trying to not get caught and thrown in jail. that's literally it. (ill go more into detail on him later). but if you want to read this book i recommend you go in knowing that there will be homophobia (the word queer is used as a slur....3 times or 4 but no more than 5), expect outing, expect not supportive characters, and remember to have some compassion (more on this later).
next i want to go into characters: starting with tom, then Marion, then Patrick, and then the other characters. so if you are planning on reading this book or just dont want to be spoiled them....don't read the next bit.
Tom:
I'm going to get this out of the way.........Tom (who we never get to know outside of the two-point of views we are presented with, and who is being played by Harry) is a police officer in the 50s UK. to be frank when the rumors first went around I was mad like a lot of people were, which is funny because when we got those pictures of harry reading the book before all the speculation we were....happy, that he was reading a book about a gay man. now...I don't care honestly. I could call out the hypocrites (i won't) and honestly I'm hypocritical myself. I use to watch shows like svu (if you were to turn it on right now I wouldn't turn it off) and I enjoyed watching svu. I know and have seen a lot of mutuals, people on my dash enjoy cop shows like b99, or who like actors who have played the character of police before. so it would be hypocritical of me to be mad at him (this is just my single black opinion) and then go and turn on svu (which I don't do anymore).
I'm not saying that no one can be mad, I'm not saying that the anger people have at him playing this role is bad or not needed or valid. all I'm saying is.....is that I don't care. I got angry over this months ago, and all that anger I felt I don't have anymore, and I can't tell you why. Harry is playing an abusive demented husband who traps his wife in a simulation, and then he will play a gay policeman trying not to face persecution..........and that's that. nothing I can say will reach him, he's playing these roles and there is nothing I can do. will I watch them (pirating of course) yes.
anyways let's get back to tom's character (do not use my opinion to silence other black people I will find you....don't do that shit weirdo): tom is......tom?? like I literally was expecting the worst when I read this because of what other people had to say. but as I'm reading him through the eyes of Marion (his wife) and through the eyes of Patrick (his...true love, fuck the 50s I hate the 50s) one word came to mind constantly: scared. Tom is very scared that he will be found out and his life will be ruined. His family knows about him, which is why I think his father (more on him later) pushed him to be in the national service (where he was a cook, which disappointed him). you don't realize his family knows and then his sister says something and then you go 'wait....THEY KNEW???' and then you will go 'oh so that's why-'
tom does have old fashion views that you would expect of any man at that time (gay or not it's the 50s and gay men are still capable of saying sexist shit). when asked by Patrick if women should still work after having a kid he said no it's the men's job to provide, Marion said she would like to keep working, he said no when they do have a baby (they literally never did, and idk why he thought he could be intimate with her for that long to produce a baby lol). that's....the most sexist thing he said in the whole book (there maybe some small things im forgetting but nothing that really stood out). that's it. I know it's not small and that was a legitimate issue in the 50s but yeah. Just in case you were apprehensive about Tom's character being a raging woman-hater, no,....he just wasn't a true feminist yet (???? I don't know that's like..the most this book says about an issue women were facing at this time). It's still bad what he said (you'll see how Marion justifies it in the book and both Patrick and her don't agree and try and challenge him on his view).
i dont want to go too in depth but it is very obvious from the beginning he has no and i mean ZEROOOO interest in her at all (you can tell when it hits him that he needs a wife and he starts to act a littleee different but it's not romantic at alll).
i feel like my review on tom is shit but like!! we don't really get to know him without bias from Patrick and Marion. I think Harry will play a wonderful Tom (even tho he doesn't not fit the description for Tom...at all....like at alllll).
To summarize Tom: very scared gay man from the 50s who is trying to do everything he can to not be found out. his family knows, even he knew at a young age, and yes he does quit being a police officer but it doesn't happen as soon as id like but then again he wasn't one for that long if you pay attention to the years.
Marion:
😑
i just...if yall could see the notes i made on her.....
To summarize Marion: SHE IS LIVING IN LALA LAND, TOM LITERALLY SHOWS HER NO ROMANTIC INTEREST AT ALLL, AND WHEN SHE METS PATRICK FOR THE FIRST TIME SHE FREAKING NOTICES THAT HE'S ALL BLUSH-Y AND SHIT LIKE...GIRL.....
this is a note i wrote that sums up her and tom's relationship (which is more like friends then anything romantic i mean god their honeymoon was horrible and he proposed to her....nvm 😑)
listen...i can't lie and say i didn't feel sorry for her up until the end when she (spoilers: she outs patrick to his employer which ends up with him getting arrested). after that...ive never hated a character more in my fucking LIFEEEE like oh my god i was pissed
all she does is have fantasies about him being romantic with her (holding hands, hugging, etc) and none of them come true...BECAUSE HES GAYYYYYY i really....the author could have done a better job because there were so many damn red flags.
she's fucking annoying and whiny and yeah it sucked to be a woman in the 50s but you literally outed someone your husband was in love with and thought that you could just go back to being married like he's not devastated and instead of telling what you did you stayed unhappy and made your husband thing that at any point they were coming for him too.......*****
Patrick:
PATRICKKKKK
Patrick and tom deserved a fighting fucking chance i hate the fuck 50s fuck you 50s!!!! I absolutely LOVEDDD his pov and seeing Tom through his pov like it was just so damn refreshing seeing the world through his eyes and how he navigates his queerness in the society they live in. (the dichotomy between a proud gay man and a scared maybe proud but fear overrules that (talking about Tom here) gay man).
There was a lot more to say on how gay men were being persecuted at this time than how women were treated in this particular book. There were some little things here and there about what was expected of Marion as a wife and of a girl/woman at that time but it wasn't the focus.
I loved seeing the way Patrick navigated through his world of art and creativity. And how Tom seemed to fit right in with him.
I hate the things the author made Patrick go through (outed, sent to prison, stripped of his job, and later on in the present day he has had 2 strokes in his 70s). it felt a bit much but it's not too distracting (Patricks pov takes place in the past as he writes in his journal).
Patrick and Julia (more on her later) are my two favorites in the whole book (Tom is third bc he's a very multi-facted character, Marion is not even on the list) and I wish we got a lot more of Patrick's pov.
Other characters!! (speed round bc this is wayyy too long):
Syvlie (Tom's sister): SYVLIEEE IM MAD AT YOUU I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU WHYY WHYYY
Julia: JULIAAAAA QUEEENNN (you'll see why i love her at the end)
Tom's parents: his father is abusive point-blank. or at least i think he's abusive (verbally). as im writing this i am now realizing that the way Tom's mom reacts to him (sometimes crying) is bc they knew he was gay omg wow.
tom's dad is very much a man's man guy?? Picture a sexist man from the 50s....now picture him with a gay son.....yeah, I'm not surprised Tom went into national service then to the police force. you can tell he didn't want anyone to find out about Tom so he pushed him to do what he thought best and Tom went with it, scared.
overall: please do not go into this book expected things to be all flowers and rainbows...this is a book about two gay men in the 50s yall.....
there is something to be said about the tragedy that is in a lot of queer stories, I'm more interested in how white these stories are (that's a rant for another time). but I don't mind my policeman, and i think stories like this should be told. because this actually happened (here is a link to em forster's story where the author takes inspiration from, he really had an affair with a policeman!!! who had a wife!!!).
the ending is bittersweet, and i couldn't help but curse for what could have been. Marion could have not outed Patrick (which she instantly regretted), she could have gotten a divorce (she even contemplated it), they could have been more secretive, Julia could have not said what she said. I think Patrick and Tom were sadly doomed from the start, I just wish they had more time together because I loved seeing their love (the little glimpse we got) bloom into something bigger than them.
thank you for reading!! here are random screenshots of my notes as i read this lol enjoy!!
can’t*
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Spellbound intro II
🌙 Pairing: Hyunjin (Stray Kids) x Reader
🌙 Genre: Dark Fantasy AU, Mystery, smut.
🌙 Teaser Length: 1.8K
🌙 Warnings: None in this chapter. For the series overall, smut, gore, witchcraft, religious themes.
🌙✨Tag List: @xviternity @straykisz
✧･ﾟ:･ﾟ *✧･ﾟ. ✨ . *: ･ﾟ 🌙 * ･ﾟ✧ * : ･ﾟ✧. ✨･ﾟ.*.✧
The canopy of darkening trees retained a cold and unpleasantly humid air in this corner of the forest. It nearly smelled foul, just a hint, and there was a salty, almost sulphuric scent that you had grown to recognize like none other. It was hard to describe to someone who did not know it, because it wasn’t so much a scent as it was a feeling - a sharpness in the air that warned of error, of something that should not exist. It was completely unnatural and not of this world, but just another one of the otherworldly details that had been brought to these Towns of late.
Anyone with a semblance of a sight would be able to notice, it would basically scream wrongness, unnaturalness, abomination. Hell, anyone with a semblance of sensitivity would feel it from a mile away.
Which meant that basically everyone in these towns would never notice it. How unfeeling and disconnected these people of the modern world were, insensitive to everything that didn't have buttons and blips and beams and bolts. What a horrible place you have chosen to come to… what a horrible and strange place.
As you walk however, even in this rotten corner of the woods, it begins to feel more natural, despite its unnaturalness. A familiar putrefaction. Nothing that paints this patch of wood should be here, but it is a comfort to you. It reminds you of home, or well, of the places in the world where the unnatural was often found in the natural. The places where people still felt and saw, instead of just touching and looking.
How strange that you, even in this unsettling and noxious air, felt some sort of peace.
But well, you were always a strange one, the strangest one even.
The Towns are nice but you feel stranger than ever there, despite pretending to be so normal. Part of it is a relief - this is your new home, your escape from all the horror, your new identity. You were free here; free of the stigma, of the obligated servitude, of the duties your strangeness brought upon you. Yet this freedom, with its safety and normalcy, was also stifling.
It discombobulated you at times, all the oppressive normality. It was like everyone was in an idyllic dream and you were the only one awake. Or maybe it was the other way around? Regardless, it was strange, even for a strange person like you.
Perhaps stepping on these wet and rotten leaves was making you somewhat nostalgic. Here you are, seeing what no one else has, despite most of them having looked upon the same scene as you. The blackened grass to them seemed ‘a mushy green due to the rains’, the wilted trees a symptom of a ‘premature autumn chill’, the feeling of death itself and it’s servants a ‘weird smell’. The pins and needles brought to you by the nearly electric aura of this place increased as you stepped further toward your destination - but you were certain, if a town fool would have come along the same path, they may have explained it as a rash caused by some ivy.
How simple the human psyche becomes in these modern, magicless places. Even scientists in some parts of the world commanded the forces of nature and understood them better than these neo-troglodytes. There is no connection to the deeper forces of the world, these people are all numb. Numb and blind.
Well, most of them. All of them, technically, to an extent, but some you would save from your harsher judgements due to their decency.
Your baker friend is quite lovely. His mind isn’t simple, he isn't a person that knows of much other than baking, but he is cunning. There is a sharpness in his mind, an instinct, that is almost rare in these parts. The handsome man that visits you to make invasive yet enticing conversation with you is… tolerable. Perhaps if he were not so intense and insistent he would be more than tolerable, less of a nuisance, and more of a delight.There are the old men you play cards with - they are sensitive, almost like you, and insightful too - but perhaps it is more a consequence of their age than of their competencies and abilities. Some of your students, limited as they are in their talents, are tolerable. A handful of them you would say truly impress you though.
And then there are your patients. They come from far and wide, although most are from the Towns. Others come from… other places. Places even more senseless and insensitive as these towns, places that force them to come here to find someone as strange as you. They were people like you, persecuted for being strange like you. Had you not been pretending to be so normal, perhaps you would be persecuted too.
Persecuting you would be an almost arousing delight to some of the townsfolk though, but it satisfied you even more to frustrate them by eluding their grasp. Always poking and backing away before they could reach for retaliation. How naughty you were, enjoying these tiny malicious acts so.
And then, there is your student.
Student... Is that the right word? Was she instead your ward, or perhaps your assistant? For the sake of your pretend normalcy, you told everyone she was your apprentice. She was strange in this place too, almost exactly as strange as you, of course simpler, less talented, less knowledgeable and just a tad less strange. She was the only one to whom you could show a glimmer of your true self to, because like you, she was also here to play pretend in this normal world of safety and boredom.
The only person you would open this drawer of dreadful thoughts to was she. Maybe it was a burden to her, to protect you and care for you as much as you did for her, but you do give her every ounce of knowledge and talent that she has, and you did save her from that horrible place the two of you hailed from.
A horrible place where a strangeness like yours, and hers, meant salvation. A place where your strangeness was a resource, almost indispensable, and you…
You hated it.
In the end you did choose to come to this horribly normal modern place instead of that horribly strange archaic one. You win some, you lose some. That's what you have to remind yourself of every day. Again and again, your mind going in circles as the excess of thoughts spill over and cloud your reality, distracting you from everything and immersing you in an unreal setting built by the very thoughts.
It is the routine swinging of the basked in your gloved hand keeps you steady and constant in this discourse of yours, reminding you that you were going somewhere in reality despite being everywhere else in your thoughts. Swing, swing, swing goes the basket of apples and breads and treats.
All the way to your destination. You can see it now, the miserable little rotting hovel. Even from this far you could imagine it was cold and dank, smelled like mud and the rot of the thing that dwelled there.
Oh the things you do…
It disgusts you to approach the place, but it is what must be done. She must notice you are there now, doesn’t she? Do you intimidate her? Does she know who you are? She can probably feel you - your strangeness, that is. It must feel familiar to her, as hers does to you. You both scream abnormal and freakish to the other, except that she is a speck of dirt, a miserable and weak thing.
She must fear you, however. Even as you are now, you are still a threat to her kind. It’s good though, this way you can maim her with the threat and not the action - it would be such an inconvenience to you now, after all these years of avoidance, to have to put your strangeness in use.
Some would say someone with your gifts was born to use them for the greater good, for the betterment of the world. But these happy endings and great victories were the product of so many violent and gruesome efforts on your end, the thought of it made your stomach churn.
The things you were told you had to do, convinced you had to do. The pains and nauseating acts you were celebrated for haunted you to this day. All you wanted was peace, quiet, a painless existence.
And so this is why you do this instead - dealing with strange things in normal ways in the most boringly normal place in the world. Peace.
Knock, knock.
The disgusting thing opens the door after pathetically crawling to it. Her hand is rather leathery for her age, the medium of her talents does rot whatever it touches in the most hideous of ways. You look at her with a judgemental tilt of your head.
Slowly, her black and beady eyes begin to gleam from the showy interior of her dwelling, the door creaking heavily as her head peeks out. Is she afraid or curious? Why have you returned to her?
You give a smile becoming of your status as a professional in these matters.
“I have brought you apples.” You say while holding out the basket. She does not yet reach.
“And bread, I have made it myself.” There is a twitch of a boney, leathery finger.
“And blankets, I imagine you must get cold here.” Now that does the trick.
Her mouth opens - it’s disgusting. Her lips are leathery too, dried and pasted to her face in a way that permanently exposes her teeth. How did you ever determine that such a corrupted thing had ever been a woman? Oh, that’s right.
She reaches for the basket and it is by the grace of your gloved hands that you do not feel her more intensely. Your ears almost ring at the proximity to her kind. You are too sensitive, too intuitive regarding their kind and their talents. The consequences are extreme disgust, of course, but today your pretty gloves keep her at bay. Your hands are pitch black from the tint of the leather, whereas hers are from filth.
She takes it so timidly. She must be so hungry and cold.
She whooshes back into her awful abode as soon as it is in her hands, not a word leaving her dry mouth nor her glossy eyes blinking. The door slams, but the old wood is rotted and hollow and the sound does not make you flinch.
Ah well, that should keep her at bay for a while. Fed, warm, weak, afraid - and away from the Towns.
And so you deal with a problem before it becomes an evil.
#stray kids fantasy au#strange devotion skz collab#stray kids au#straykidsland#hwang hyunjin#stray kids smut
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Izumi blinks when Sakuya pauses in his movements, glancing at the script in his hand. Hesitation and fear is visible on his face. "Sakuya, what's wrong?"
"Um..." His hands drops to his side, and he doesn't meet her eyes. Juza blinks, not expecting the sudden stop.
"Somethin' wrong?"
"I'm a bit scared of the next scene... and I don't know why," Sakuya admits, clutching the front of his jacket anxiously. "I mean, I've rehearsed on my own but letting other people hear this part... scares me."
Izumi skims that part of the script, and she grimaces. That hit too close to home. No wonder he was uncomfortable with it. She looks up with her lips set in a line. They are almost at the end, and the first rehearsal has been going well. But, she certainly wasn't going to force him if he's uncomfortable. "We can ask Tsuzuru to rewrite this scene if you want. Should I call Tsuzuru over?"
Sakuya glances at the script in his hand, at Izumi, Juza, and the other cast to the side. His eyes flicker back to Izumi, and he smiles a bit. He shakes his head. "How about we try one run first though? I can't let Tsuzuru's hard work go to waste."
Izumi sees the desperation mixed in with determination in his eyes. She hesitates. Would there be worth in letting him play this scene? Though, she could definitely see why Tsuzuru casted him for lead this time. Besides, he requested this particular role, after all. She nods. "Of course. You're the lead actor this time so I trust in your judgement. But, tell us if you're okay with this scene."
"Okay then..." Sakuya turns to Juza, with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Please start the scene then, Juza."
Juza doesn't say anything, still eyeing him. But after a while, he silently nods, closing his eyes to get into character. He opens his eyes after a few seconds, lips set into a scowl and eyebrows furrowed. Juza is gone, and Arthur, heir of the Pluvian Throne, stands in his place instead.
"You've been lying to me all this time! You said that we'd be back home by this time, and yet we're still on this god-forsaken sea!" Arthur turns away with practiced grace, crossing his arms petulantly. This scene is supposed to be both Arthur and Martin's turning point. "All of you pirates are the same type of scum that should be persecuted. I ought to put out a decree against you when I get to the throne."
Izumi glances at Sakuya, and she's a bit worried when he doesn't respond immediately. His head is bowed down and his fists are clenched so tightly that they're turning white. The atmosphere is tense—as the scene should be—yet it feels off.
Martin lifts his head, expression furious yet close to crying. Izumi doesn't ever recall seeing an expression like that on him before, and it squeezed her heart a bit. She doesn't need to take a look at Itaru, Masumi, Taichi, nor Azami to see their shock either. He walks up to Arthur, giving off the aura of a Pirate King—instead of his usually good-natured and lighthearted atmosphere.
"Shut up." He hisses through gritted teeth. "No one—I repeat—no one understands what I go through... yet I still choose to be a kind person, regardless of what people think of me. I've been nice to you and even treated you like a friend, just because you're a person too."
The script tells them that Martin was supposed to turn away at this point, but he doesn't. To his credit, Arthur stands his ground, still looking incredibly pissed.
"Why do I always get nothing in return for all the kindness I show everyone?! Is it not enough for me to get nothing in return? Do I have to get... betrayal on top of it?" Martin's voice cracks at the end, and tears begin rolling down his cheeks. Juza's face finally breaks from his expression to an expression of panic. Everyone else in the room is frozen as well, and not even Izumi could speak up. The emotions simmering in the room are just so overwhelming.
"Still... why do I get nothing in return? I've always fought against the odds when all I wanted was to—" Martin sniffles, yet despite his tears, he continues. His voice falls to a whisper. He turns away from Juza, a sleeve over his eyes. "I just wanted for people to accept me. I always get turned away no matter how much of myself I give away..."
Sakuya hiccups as he tries to wipe his tears, but they don't stop. Juza reaches out for him, but before he could tap his shoulder, Sakuya runs out of the room. He stumbles and almost hits the doorway on the way out.
Only Juza hears Sakuya's whispered "I'm sorry." His hand falls to his side.
Izumi feels her own eyes water. Hearing that from Sakuya—regardless if it was still in the script or not—hurt so much. Izumi doesn't know how much Sakuya was keeping down, and that was what pierced her heart the most.
Would no one have known about Sakuya's bottled up thoughts if not for this script?
this is a wip that i've been trying to complete, but to no avail :( writing fake plays/event stories are absolute hell, so i'll probably never finish this.
this is a haruaki mixed play (fusion of action elements with drama), with sakuya lead and juza co-lead!! the basic premise is that sakuya plays an infamous pirate king in this (martin), while juza plays a bratty prince (arthur). arthur gets caught up in stuff that lands him with in martin's pirate crew, and they have to work together to find the treasure that will get the bounty off martin's head and also prove that arthur is the true heir.
the event story is sakuya trying to act the scene above without his emotions getting in the way, and he does this basically talking out his bottled up feelings over the years (with juza and the rest of the cast's help ofc!)
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Dear ‘White guy speaks perfect X and shocks Y!’ language YouTubers: STOP
A rant about every single fucking video by Xiaomanyc and similar YouTubers all titled things like CLUELESS WHITE GUY/GIRL LEARNS [INSERT NON-WHITE LANGUAGE HERE] AND SHOCKS [INSERT PLACE].
Disclaimer: I am white British, and I am also very often a moron. I'm trying to inform myself more, and would like to learn. So let me know if there is anything I should change, anything I’ve got wrong or any terminology I can change.
So this evening I opened YouTube to get some quality Hikaru no Go content, and saw yet another video recommended to me about Xiaomanyc called Clueless white guy orders in perfect Chinese, shocks patrons and staff!!!!
Really? Really. Ok, his Chinese certainly is good - but it isn't great. And it isn’t necessarily any better than people I've seen in the higher levels of a class at university who have spent some time in China. It's solidly intermediate. That's not an insult - that level of Chinese is hard to attain, and definitely worth celebrating!! Hell, I celebrate every new word I learn. But while it may be unusual, it doesn't forgive the clickbait type videos like 'White guy speaks perfect Chinese and wows [insert place]'.
These kind of clickbait titles rest on a number of assumptions. Before I say any more, I just want to make a note about terminology. Note that ’majority’ and ‘minority’ are not necessarily helpful labels, because they imply both a) a higher number of speakers in a certain place, and b) socially prestigious in some way. Of course a language like standard Mandarin is not a minority in China, but it might be in Germany. Talking about ‘minority’ languages that have a large speaker base outside of the country, like Chinese, is also not the same as talking about languages that have been systematically surpressed by a colonising, dominant language in their original communities, like indigenous languages. In many communities, especially in colonial and post-colonial situations, the language spoken by the majority is not one of prestige at all. Or some languages may be prestigious and expected in oral contexts, but not written - and so on. I use these terms here as best I can, but don't expect them to work 100% of the time.
So let’s unpack these assumptions a little.
1) That there is something inherently more ‘worthy’ in somebody who learns languages because they want to, rather than because they have to: and that, correspondingly, the people who want to are white (spoilers: much of Europe is multilingual, and white immigrants in majority white countries also exist, as well as discrimination against them e.g. Polish people in the UK), and that those who have to learn are not (spoilers: really? There are plenty of non-white monolinguals who are either happy being monolingual, don’t have access to learning, or don’t have to learn another language but are interested in it).
2) That everybody from a certain background automatically speaks all ‘those’ languages already, or that childhood multilingualism is a free pass - spoilers, it isn’t. Achieving high levels of fluency in multiple languages is hard, especially for languages with different writing systems, because no matter how perfect your upbringing, you’re still ultimately exposed to it maximum 50% of the time of monolingual speakers. Realistically, most people get far less exposure than 50% in any of their languages. Also, situations of multilingualism in many parts of the world are far more complex than home language / social language. You might speak one language with your father and his father, another with your mother and her family, another in the community, and another at school. Which one is your native language then? Monolinguals tell horror stories of ‘both cups half empty’ scenarios, but come on - how on earth do you expect a person to have the same size vocabulary in a language they hear only 25% of the time? Also, languages are spoken in different domains, to different people, in different social situations: just because someone hears Farsi at home doesn’t mean they can give a talk on the filing system at their local library. If something is outside of a multilingual person’s langauge domain, they might have to learn the vocabulary for it just like monolinguals. There’s no such thing as the ‘perfect bilingual’.
3) That learning another language imperfectly for leisure is laudable, but learning one imperfectly for work or survival is not. If you’re a speaker of a minority language, learning another language is necessary, ‘just what you have to do’, and if you don’t do it ‘properly’, that’s because of your lack of intelligence / laziness etc. It’s cool for the seconday school student to speak a bit of bad Japanese, but not so cool for the Indian guy who runs her favourite restaurant in Tokyo.
4) That majority speakers learning a minority language is somehow an act of surprising benevolence that should not go unrewarded. Languages are intrinsically tied up with identity - and access to them may not be a right, but a gift. Don’t assume that because you get a good reception with some speakers of one language that speakers of another will be grateful you’re learning their language, or that everyone will react the same. One of the reasons these videos are possible at all is that many Chinese speakers, in my experience, are incredibly welcoming and enthusiastic to non-natives learning Chinese. Some languages and linguistic groups have been so heavily persecuted that imagining such thing as an ‘apolitical’ language learner is a fundamental misunderstanding of the context in which the language is spoken, and essentially an impossibility when the act of speaking claims ownership to a group. Many people will not want you to learn their language, because it has been suppressed for hundreds of years - it’s theirs, not yours. We respect that. Whilst it’s great to learn a minority language, don’t do it for the YouTube likes - do it because you’re genuinely interested in the language, people, culture and history. We don’t deserve anything special for having done so.
5) That speaking a ‘foreign’ (i.e. culturally impressive / prestigious) language is much more impressive and socially acceptable than speaking a heritage language, home language or indigenous language. There are harmful language policies all around the world that simultaneously encourage the learning of ‘educational’ languages like Spanish, and at the same time forbid the use of the child’s mother tongue in class. And many non-majority languages are not foreign at all - they were spoken here, wherever you are, before English or Spanish or Russian or, yes, standard Mandarin Chinese. Policies that encourage standardised testing in English from a very young age like the ‘No Child Left Behind’ policy in the US disproportionately affect indigenous communities that are trying to revitalise their language against overwhelming callousness and cruelty - they expect bilingual children to attain the same level of English as a monolingual in first grade, which in an immersion school, they obviously won’t (and shouldn’t - they’ll get enough exposure to English as they grow up to make it not matter later down the line). But if the schools want funding, their kids have to pass those tests.
There’s more to cover - that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Some people’s response to these videos and why the titles are ‘wrong’ would be: does it matter that he's white? Shouldn't it just be 'second language learner speaks perfect Chinese'? This is the same sort of attitude as ‘I don’t see race’. I think it does matter that he is white - because communities of many languages around the world are so used to them having to learn a second language and colonial powers not bothering to learn theirs. You wouldn't get the same reactions in these videos if he were Asian American but grew up speaking / hearing no Chinese - because then it would be expected. You also wouldn't get the same reaction if he were an immigrant in a Chinese-speaking community from somewhere else in Asia.
It also implies that all white people = monolingual Americans with no interest in other cultures. While we all are complacent and complicit in failing to educate ourselves about the effects of historical and modern colonialism, titles like this perpetuate a very harmful stereotype - and I don't mean harmful as in 'poor Xiaomanyc', but harmful in that it suggests that this attitude is ok, it's part of 'being white', and therefore doesn't need to change. The reaction when someone doesn't engage with other cultures and isn't willing to learn about them shouldn't be 'lmao classic white guy'. That not only puts the subject in a group with other 'classic white guys', but puts a nice acceptable label on what really is privilege, a lack of curiosity, ignorance, and the opportunity (which most non-white people don't have) to have everything you learn in school and university be about you. If you're ignorant - ok. We are all about many things. But you don't have any excuse not to educate yourself. The 'foreigner experience' that white people get in places like China is not the same as immigrants in a predominantly monolingual, predominantly white English speaking area. As we can see in those kind of videos, white foreigners may be stared at, but ultimately enjoy huge privilege in many places around the world. It's not the same.
It also ignores, well, essentially the whole of Europe outside the UK and Ireland and many other places around the globe, where multilingualism is incredibly common - and where the racial dichotomy commonly heard in America isn't quite appropriate, or an oversimplification of many complex ethnic/national/racial/religious/linguistic etc factors that all influence discrimination and privilege. Actually many 'white guys' in Europe and places all around the world speak four or five languages to get by - some in highly privileged upbringings and school systems, yes, but others because they have grown up in a border town, or because they are immigrants and want to give their children a better start than they did, or because they want to work abroad and send home money. Many, like people all around the world, don't get a chance to learn to read and write their first language or dialect, which is considered 'lesser' than the majority language (French, Russian, English etc); many people, like Gaelic speakers in Scotland or speakers of Basque in France, have faced historical persecution and have been denied opportunities for speaking their mother tongue. My mother was beaten and my grandparents denied jobs for being Gaelic speakers. They are white, and they have benefited from being white in lots of other ways - but their linguistic experience is light-years from Xiaomanyc's.
It isn't 'white' to be surprised at a white person speaking another language - it's just ignorant. But the two ARE correlated, because who in modern America can afford to go through twenty one years and still be ignorant? People who have never had to learn a second language; people who have always had everybody adapt to THEIR linguistic needs, and not the other way around. People who have had all media, all books, centred around people who look like them and speak like them. And even in America, that's not just 'white' - that's specifically white (often middle class) English monolinguals.
I'm not saying everybody who doesn't speak a language should feel guilty for not learning one ( it's understandably not the priority for everyone - economic reasons, family, only so many hours in the day - there are plenty of reasons why language learning when you don’t have to is also not accessible to everyone). But be aware of the double standards we have as a society towards other socially/racially/religiously disadvantaged groups versus white college grads. You can't demonise one whilst lauding the other.
To all language YouTubers - do yourself a favour, and stop doing this. Your skills are impressive - that's enough.
tldr; clickbait titles like this rely on double standards and perpetuate harmful ideas - don't write them, and let your own language skills do the talking please.
#linguistics#lingblr#racism#sociolinguistics#languages#langblr#polyglot community#I don't really know what to tag this as#chinese#xiaomanyc#taking a break from my break to clearly post about two (2) things#hualian over on main and this here#meichenxi manages
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Daylight
Pairing: Naruto Uzumaki x Sasuke Uchiha (kinda?)
CW: none
Length: 1.7k+
Summary: Sasuke's been living in darkness for so long. Now he sees Daylight.
Inspired by Daylight by Taylor Swift
A bit of a rewrite of what happens immediately after Sasuke and Naruto's battle
Just bros being bros<3
Darkness. He’s surrounded by darkness, but somehow he can make out the things around him. And he thinks that this makes no sense that he can see in the dark so he must be dreaming, but it feels so real. And it’s because it is real, the feelings. The memories.
It’s all playing out before him, his family slaughtered in front of his eyes. His brother’s words filling his heart with hate. Orochimaru whispering promises of power in his ear and Itachi dropping dead at his feet. Obito telling him the truth about the Uchiha massacre.
It’s all playing out before him all at once in and overwhelming succession. Over and over and over again and he can feel it. He can feel the darkness closing in on him more and more and he’s sure he’ll drown in it, and he wants to drown in it. Let the darkness close in on him, swallow him whole. He doesn’t care anymore. All he’s known is the darkness for so long, that it’s familiar. It’s what his heart longs for.
And then he sees himself, a child, walking in the blackness. He remembers that well, remembers what it was like to be all alone, suffering and it was like no one could see him. He couldn’t see anything, anyone else, in the blackness.
He’s watching himself at seven years old feeling the way he did now at sixteen, and he thinks it’s never going to change. Nothing is ever going to get better, and he’s sick and tired of fighting it.
He can feel himself leaving his body, and he welcomes it. Welcomes the thought of being nothing, ceasing to exist.
But then he sees it. Somethings caught his seven year old self's attention. His young eyes are looking at something with longing and confusion and hope.
Sasuke looks too, because he wants that. He needs that, needs something to hold onto and hope for because he doesn’t think he can do this anymore. So he looks and he’s blinded by a brightness breaking through the dark. And the brightness is saying his name, calling for him.
Sasuke knows he has a choice and he has to make it now. The dark night or the daylight. And he chooses to walk into the sun.
~
His eyes open, and he’s in the Valley of the End, and he remembers now why he’s here, remembers what had happened.
His head turns when he hears his name again.
“I thought I lost you for a second.” Naruto’s voice is familiar and comforting, wrapping around him like a blanket. “I’ve been calling your name. Could you hear me?”
Sasuke could.
He feels a weird sensation, looks down and sees his arm has been blown right off. He expects pain, but there is none. He doesn’t feel anything but a tugging in his heart, like it’s trying to lift something heavy off of itself.
“So, I’m your one and only friend, huh?” Naruto asks, teasing, and Sasuke looks back at him. His arm is gone too, and their blood is draining out, trickling down the ground and pooling together. He looks worn, exhausted, and Sasuke imagines he must look the same. But despite this, despite everything, Naruto is smiling. That dumb idiot is always smiling.
“Why?” Sasuke demands, his voice weak and raspy, but he’s angry. He’s so fucking angry because now he remembers. He was so close to accomplishing everything, to entering the darkness completely, but Naruto never let him. “Why would you go through all this to stop me? When all my other ties were severed, I could never severe them with you. WHY!?”
Naruto’s laughing, because of course he is, and Sasuke wants to hit him again, but he knows if he moves, he’ll quickly bleed out.
“Is this what it takes to get you to talk? Your body can’t move, so now your mouth won’t stop?” Naruto’s teasing him, like this is all funny, some kind of joke, and Sasuke can’t understand it. He’s never understood how Naruto could find it in him to smile and laugh through everything. “You’re my friend, Sasuke.”
Naruto’s quieter now, more serious, and Sasuke’s staring at him intensely. That’s what Naruto’s always said, but what does it mean? What is it to be his friend?
And he can’t help but ask, demanding an answer. The words Naruto’s spoken to him over and over and over again since they were twelves years old. Friends.
A small smile tugs at Naruto’s lips. He finally turns to look at Sasuke too, and their eyes meet. Sasuke sucks in a breath, and something inside of him feels hopeful. This look that Naruto’s giving him, this moment they’re living in. Sasuke never wants to leave it, he thinks. He wants his life to be this. Always this.
“I couldn’t explain it to you…” Naruto admits. “I can’t understand it myself, what I feel for you. It’s just…” He considers Sasuke for a moment, his blue eye is searching Sasuke’s dark one, looking for something, and Sasuke hopes he can find it.
“I look at you, Sasuke. I see your pain, everything that you’re trying to hold by yourself. I see your loneliness, your hatred, your anger. I see your hurt, and it just… It hurts me.” And Sasuke can see it’s true, see the agony in Naruto’s eyes as he looks at Sasuke, looking at him like he’s all Naruto can see.
“It hurts, Sasuke. It hurts inside so fucking much, even more than any of my own pain ever did… I see you like this, and it’s unbearable. I just want to take it all from you. I’d gladly take all of your pain for the rest of my life if it meant you never had to hurt again.”
Finally, finally Sasuke gets it. He knows exactly what Naruto is talking about because he’s felt that too.
Since he was seven years old, he would see Naruto acting stupid, trying to get attention. He was so annoying, but Sasuke could never ignore him, and he was never sure why. He was drawn to something about Naruto.
They lived in a cruel village, shunned and outcasted by those who should have been protecting them, and now Sasuke knew it was because the very foundation of the Leaf was built on oppression and persecution. Naruto and Sasuke were set up to fail from the very beginning and yet…
Sasuke could see now what he could never before. From the beginning, he and Naruto… They were intertwined. They were always meant to cross paths, to be each other’s friend and each other’s rival. They were always meant to save each other.
Or maybe, even more, Naruto was always meant to save Sasuke.
“Is this heaven?”
The words bring Sasuke to, and he snickers despite himself.
“We fell asleep… We can’t even die right.”
“I can’t move! Dammit! I was going to hit you again!”
And now Sasuke’s laughing harder than ever, and Naruto is yelling something at him and Sasuke thinks this is right where he’s supposed to be.
“Dammit Sasuke! I’ll hit you again and again! No matter how many times it takes to get it through your skull!”
Naruto’s as passionate and loud as ever, and Sasuke wonders how he still has all this energy.
“I admit it, Naruto. I lost.”
And Naruto stops yelling then, staring at Sasuke with furrowed brows and a perplexed expression.
“Do you still think that’s what this is about? Winning and losing?” Sasuke doesn’t answer, so Naruto continues. “This is about being your friend, Sasuke. Saving you from yourself, just like you helped to save me from myself all those years ago.... Your pain, the betrayal… I understand now, Sasuke. I understand why you felt you had to do everything you did. I can’t blame you”
It’s Sasuke’s turn to be confused now, because he never imagined someone would understand why he left the Leaf, why he’d become who he was. He thought it was inexcusable, and now Naruto won’t even cast blame on Sasuke like he deserves?
“I get it now Sasuke. That’s why I’m going to do whatever I can to make it right, to take away your pain once and for all.” And Naruto is gazing into Sasuke’s eyes so intensely that Sasuke feels like he has to look away, but he’s locked on Naruto, completely lost in him.
“If you want to give up, be done with it, then we can die right here. I’ll take your hand and walk into the darkness with you.”
Sasuke’s speechless, unable to even take a breath as he stares at the blond idiot. The words are heavy, permanent, but Naruto doesn’t even flinch as he says them. “If you want to never return to Konoha again, I’ll go with you Sasuke. Wherever you go in this world, I will follow you. Or, if you want to change things, we will. Side by side, we can rebuild Konoha from the ground up. We can change this world together, Sasuke.
And Sasuke again wonders why. Why would Naruto sacrifice all of this for him? Why would Naruto stand by his side? Why was Sasuke Naruto’s friend?
“What about your dream? I thought you wanted to be hokage. But you would die with me?”
Naruto smiles, a sad smile full of pain and tenderness all at once.
“How could I ever become Hokage if I can’t even save my friend?”
Maybe their pain, their loneliness, their always feeling like outsiders has all been so they could belong here, together. They used to be just kids, alone and hurt and in pain, looking for something to help them make sense of the world. And now they had it in each other.
I will understand your pain from now on, Naruto, Sasuke promises to himself as he looks at the blond who’s shining so bright Sasuke almost needs to cover his eyes. All of your hurt, I’ll take that from you, too. And we can help each other heal. Together, like you said.
And Sasuke thinks that yeah, Naruto was right. This was heaven, laying by his side and knowing that neither one of them truly had to be alone. Not anymore.
Sasuke had spent the majority of his life living in an eternal darkness. And now, looking at Naruto, all he could see was Daylight.
#naruto#naruto uzumaki#naruto shippuden#sasuke#sasuke uchiha#naruto x sasuke#naruto uzumaki x sasuke uchiha#narusasu#sasunaru#nartuo fanfiction#naruto oneshot#naruto uzumaki fanfiction#naruto uzumaki one shot#sasuke uchiha fanfiction#sasuke uchiha one shot#naruto imagine#naruto imagines#naruto uzumaki imagine#naruto uzumaki imagines#naruto hc#naruto uzuamki hc#naruto headcanon#naruto headcanons#naruto uzumaki headcanon#naruto uzumaki headcanons#sasuk imagine#sasuke imagines#sasuke uchiha imagine#sasuke uchiha imagines#sasuke hc
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i really thought hange was non-binary bc the one who said hanges gender was up for interpretation was kodansha us but isayama asked for gender neutral pronouns right?
here!
I’m gonna answer all of the gender asks in one go because for one, I don’t think I wanna flood my own feed and my own tumblr with the same arguments.
I think a lot of the questions on Hange’s gender and the topic of gender and sexuality overall are kinda intertwined and I feel like for anyone who actually reads my stuff, it’s better understood as one big wall of text.
So I was wondering, is that song the absolute proof about hange's gender?
No. I think the interpretation of the song which people are using to prove that Hange’s nonbinary is very western centric. I actually did research around this song and knowing what I know about Japanese culture, I actually interpret the song as a way for Japanese people to break out from gender norms.
For people who are not aware, Japan is incredibly strict with gender norms. The LGBTQ community is not as progressive as it is in Western countries (I mean gay marriage isn’t completely legalized yet). And just looking at it from the stand point of gender roles and gender expectations, despite the progressive thinking, there are a lot of things Japanese men and women have to conform to just to be respected in everyday society. Because in Japan, the community has always been more important than the individual and it’s honestly the same for most asian countries as well.
A lot of the pressure of living in Japan, working with Japanese people is the pressure to conform and I’ve seen my friends do it through small things like getting bangs (because all Japanese women have bangs apparently), wearing make up when going out (because this is generally an accepted for all Japanese people) and always dressing your best because in that manner women are held to an incredibly high standard in Japan. And this goes similarly for men who are constantly pressured to be the breadwinner in the family. If your wife is making more than you, be ready to hear people talk. I know these expectations exist in a Western setting too but Japan is incredibly stiff as a society and this is one reason why, despite having numerous opportunities to moveto Japan myself, I am not at all entertaining that possibility. I have worked in a Japanese company and I hated it and moved to a western company right after six months. I have completely accepted the fact that there is no mobility career wise from a non-Japanese (and a woman at that) in Japanese society.
In conformity, hierarchies etc, Japan is its own monster. That’s why when songs like Jibunrashiku, Hitchcock (by Yorushika) or Shisoukan (by Yorushika) come out, for one it’s in Japanese so I wouldn’t approach the songs from an English and as a Japanese speaker and someone who is pretty familiar with Japanese culture, I can’t help interpret that song as a social commentary for the shitty parts of Japanese society and how they tend to shoot the concept of an ‘individual’ down.
But does that mean I completely shoot down the idea that Hange is NB?
NO. Yams said so himself, Hange’s gender is unknown. But at the same time, Yams recognizes the fact that in the anime and in the live action, Hange is a female. If Yams were that adamant to make Hange NB, I think he would have at least made more of an effort to police how she is depicted in the anime and in the live action.
His exact words were: 「ハンジは彼（彼女）みたいな、ちょっと浮世離れした、枠にとらわれない自由な感じで描きたかったんです。」If I roughly translated it to English, “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender.”
Tbh, I wanted to avoid these gender asks altogether but I’ve seen the environment in twitter and the ways many people approach gender, particularly ‘nonbinary’ or genderfluid and it really just doesn’t sit well with me. For one, what’s up with all these rules on how to approach our nonbinary and LGBTQ friends? What’s up with all these accusations that if we don’t follow them to a T, then we’re suddenly transphobic or homophobic?
The fact that we’re creating all these rules on how to go about her nonbinary gender for one, just defeats the whole purpose of Hange being a free bird in the first place who wouldn’t have cared and who wouldnt’ ever have been confined to gender in the first place.
I mean the establishment of set rules and social norms on how to navigate gender, sex, sexuality and gender roles is the reason why we had heternormativity in the first place. And what I can see, yes, we did get progressive, we did start recognizing other genders, other ways of thinking but the danger in all this is that, we’re once again creating frameworks and norms about how people that identify as these genders are supposed to act. And this defeats the whole purpose of why we recognized concepts of other sexualities, other genders and breaks from gender roles in the first place.
We wanted to show these people that their feelings are valid, that the way they’re navigating their relationships and their identities are valid and the heternormative society we’ve lived in that has been condemning for so long, was flawed, was wrong.
But the thing is, with the establishment of all these social norms on how to navigate our relationships with LGBTQ people and how to navigate our own gender, sexuality, sex and role is just making us regress back to that shitty heteronormative society of a hundred years ago. Because suddenly, everyone is questioning once again ‘How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m nb?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m trans?” “How am I supposed to be feeling if I’m LGBT?”
And we’re creating these abstract ideas of how exactly, being genderfluid is supposed to feel like. Am I really supposed to be going by ‘they?’ Am I supposed to be uncomfortable with CIS pronouns?
And If I don’t go through this process… If I don’t feel this way then maybe I’m not NB? Maybe I’m not Trans? Maybe I’m not LGBT? And if I don’t conform to this clear cut idea of what NB is which people set up for me, god forbid I might just be transphobic or homophobic.
And Here’s the thing, everyone’s journey to self discovery is unique and there is no exact way to go about your gender or identity. I find it terrifying actually that creating all these clear cut rules have built misconceptions in so many people already on what they are supposed to feel like when they decide to identify with a certain gender which is no different from long ago when people had to hide the fact that they liked people of the same gender because god forbid they might just be persecuted for being gay.
Creating these frameworks, these incredibly strict rules on how someone is supposed to navigate relationships with LGBTs and their own personal identities is only making it all the more dangerous for people who are in the process of discovering themselves.
Back in college, I used to accompany a friend to a clinic when he was starting HRT treatments and before he started them, he had to consult with a doctor and the consultation lasted months. Before all that, they gave him a checklist of ‘feelings,’ which if he does experience them, he checks it and if he does check enough of them and agrees with a huge chunk of them, then he might have gender dysphoria and maybe the HRT treatments and sex reassignment was for him. It was a hundred item checklist, pages full of waivers, warnings and questions about his own experiences with his gender identity. And the fact that he had to consult for months after on that? There must be a reason.
Maybe because the academe realizes, maybe because those adept on the field on gender realize that gender is too complex of a subject to have been boxed into these categories in the first place.
And this whole discourse or I wouldn’t say discourse more of like, this ‘pushing of agendas’ as to say, ‘this is how being gender fluid or non binary is supposed to feel like’ this is how being transgender is supposed to feel like and if you don’t fit it to a T then you’re not transgender or you’re not nb. Or if you don’t fit it all, maybe you’re just transphobic is dangerous for many reasons. Either it gatekeeps people who want to explore their gender further. Or it forces people to have to conform to these and force themselves to ‘feel’ all of these things in the first place.
And god, this is just the gender issue, I haven’t even explored the sexuality, gender roles or biological issue.
i mean pronouns are important but they don’t really reflect someone’s gender??? like there’s people who use he/they, she/they or all pronouns(? they just don’t conform to gender binary ahaha
Given the environment on twitter and having witnessed the bullying first hand that came with one writer who is active on twitter using she/her pronouns for Hange, I feel like my own writing and my own POV on how I go about my writing and how I approach the gender of Hange (since I strictly use she/her) might just be a ticking time bomb and I might find myself at the end of whatever hate war or ‘education’ or as I like to just refer to as bullying, one day.
I believe though I at least have enough knowledge and awareness of the LGBTQ situation and I think I did put a lot of thought already into this before I made my decision to use ‘she’ to refer to Hange.
(And tbh, you can be nonbinary and you can be female at the same time and I’ve written about that multiple times already BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME CATEGORY. And creating this mutual exclusivity between being nonbinary and female just kinda invalidates a lot of those people who are still deciding where exactly they fall in this complex web of identity discovery)
As someone who generally mainly hangs out with LGBT people and i have been doing this since high school by the way, and as someone who has tried all the sexualities on the spectrum, I talked to my asexual friends about possibly being asexual, I have experimented with women and sometimes, I just had dry spells and it just so happened that in the end of all these, I fell in love with a guy but I really believe that gender is such a flexible thing and even though I am with aguy right now, I still simp over lesbians, gays, ciswomen, transgenders because simping isn’t about gender.
And these set of rules on how to navigate genders is just invalidating the experiences of people who are flitting in between the two identities and it just hinders the process of self discovery for a lot of people.
Anyway, the point is, there is only one statement I found fundamental when approaching my relationships with the LGBT community and my own perspective on my self identity.
Recognition of someone’s feelings and their journey to a gender identity and the pronouns that come with it are important.
Then someone might go “THEN WHY DON’T YOU RESPECT HANGE’s NON BINARY PRONOUNS. Because just because someone is nonbinary doesn’t mean they automatically go for they. Just because someone is non-binary, doesn’t mean I have to use every single pronoun on the spectrum. The only one who can tell me what pronouns they want used on them is the person in question.
(I actually read an argument somewhere that going for ‘they’ just because someone is NB is transphobic lmfao. Assuming someone’s pronouns is apparently transphobic too lmfao.)
AND HANGE IS FICTIONAL. And we will never hear about which pronoun she would have wanted in the first place and I think the great ‘nontransphobic’ in-between is just letting people interpret characters how they want to interpret characters in this fictional world (And Hange can be both interpreted as nb and female). It’s the policing which makes the whole process of self discovery, the process of navigating genders all the more difficult for a lot of people.
And policing how exactly people should navigate gender and sexuality is just gatekeeping. Hange is everyone’s character. The only gender and sexuality identity people have complete jurisdiction on, is their own. And this policing of what exactly certain journeys to discovery are supposed to feel like is inherently harmful for those who are still in the process of deciding for themselves where they stand.
And going back to what Yams said “I wanted to draw Hange as someone otherworldly, free from the confines of gender/sexuality/gender roles.” I agree with that.
Because even though I do use ‘she’ with Hange, I do not firmly believe that Hange is a cisgender heterosexual female either. I just believe there are so many more layers to her whole identity and I believe similarly for every single person. Just concluding for one’s self that Hange is nonbinary with a very narrow minded view of what non binary just generally defeats the whole purpose of being ‘free from the confines of gender’ and hinders a lot of discourse and analysis on Hange’s identity over all.
I mean, I don’t know if people agree with this but in the decades I have spent with my close friends figuring out their gender identities, changing pronouns, transitioning, coming out to their parents, here is one thing I noticed. They weren’t asking for a celebration of their gender or sexuality, they weren’t asking for all these policing on how people should approach them. All they wanted was for their feelings to be validated, normalized as an everyday occurrence. I think the point of all these LGBTQ discourse (and by extension race and sex discourse) were all there to just make all these different identities normalized and to completely eradicate the concept of a negative bias or an other which was generally plaguing society for a long time.
And as their friends, I have never approached them as this champion who would make sure EVERYONE RESPECTED THEM IN THAT WAY IN TWITTER THEY BELIEVE LGBTQ PEOPLE SHOULD BE RESPECTED. All these nonverbal rules I have set up for myself on how to go about being friends with them is because I wanted them to be happy and comfortable in their shoes. And what were the types of things they appreciated? Me hiding it from their parents until they were ready to come out, me helping make their relationship work with their partner, me respecting the pronouns they requested for themselves, me accompanying them to HRT when their parents refused.
And you know what, that was only a facet of our friendships. My friends’ gender identities and sexualities never dominated discourse. None of them were the ‘token gay friend,’ the ‘token lesbian friend’ or the ‘token asexual friend’ or the ‘token NB friend.’ They were all people I genuinely care about who just happened to have fallen in love with someone of the same gender. They were just people who just happened to be uncomfortable with their original sex. But I would never just describe them as just that. My friend who just so happens to identify as assexual makes a great companion on a night out drinking. My friend who just so happens to be trasngender is really great with logistics and planning and was super helpful and I was eternally grateful when we worked together on that one project. My friend who just happens to be a lesbian has the cutest picture of her girlfreind on her phone screen.
I will memorize their favorite orders, what makes them tick, what makes them such a great companion, their talents, capabilities more than I will remember their gender. And that’s the characetr song in question is called “Jibunrashiku” or in English “just like me.” Because in the end a strict society which creates all these maxims of what exactly people of a certain gender should act would of course birth songs like “Just like me” A society which puts so much emphasis on gender and sex as an identity instead of other things like personality, preferences, skills etc.
And I don’t know if it applies to everyone. But my friends appreciate it because this journey to whatever gender identity they chose wasn’t rooted in some sort of strict framework on how they should be treated according to twitter. It was rooted in their own experiences and how these experiences made them feel.
Do they feel weird in a woman’s body? Do they just don’t feel any romantic attraction to the opposite gender?
Just treat them as how you would treat anyone else you respect. Just be a decent person. Just be a good friend.
Respect their requests for their own personal pronouns. If they need help, help them to the best of your abilities.
And here’s the thing, the approach I use with navigating identities, sexuaities genders are rooted in one very simple concept which can be applied to the race discourse, the feminist discourse etc etc.
Don’t be an ass. Respect people. Don’t reduce people to one facet of their identity. And by extension, when faced with such a dubious situation, think, discern for yourself what’s right or wrong. When there are people educating you, policing you on what is right or wrong, process that information objectively.
All I have here right now is my own opinions on the gender discourse on Hange and my own opinions on the discourse overall.
If you don’t agree with it, then have a nice day and I hope you find something else that will convince you to be more openminded but...
UTANG NA LOOB HUWAG LANG KAYO MAMBULLY NG TAO POTA. MAGHANAP NALANG KAYO NG IBANG PWEDENG GAWIN SA BUHAY MO.
ANG DAMING NASASAKTAN ANG DAMING NATRATRAUMA ANG DAMING NAWAWALANG GANA MAGSULAT KASI DI KAYO NAG-IISIP. PURO TIRA LANG.
Okay thank you for listening. Do what you want with the information up there but I have said my piece.
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