#y'all this is about 2 years old BUT I REALIZED TODAY I NEVER POSTED IT HERE? and i rly like it so here it is
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M OOOMMMMM!!!!!!!! PHINEAS AND FERB ARE MAKING A TITLE SEQUENCE!!!!
#y'all this is about 2 years old BUT I REALIZED TODAY I NEVER POSTED IT HERE? and i rly like it so here it is#candace flynn my QUEEN my EVERYTHING#phineas and ferb#candace flynn#p&f#my art#old art#ashley tisdale#pnf
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❝ 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐀 𝐂𝐔𝐓𝐈𝐄! ❞
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ yuuji megumi gojo nanami n choso ☆ how jjk men act when they have a crush on you!
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⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ fem!reader, black coded but anyone can read
⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ notes: ahhh the comeback post!! let's just say my old works were...less than coherent. but im here and ready to slay the day after 2-ish years!! take these crumbs while i try and find my footing again. stay hot lovies 🎀🎀
yuuji itadori 🌸
my babyyy (sob sob) yuuji would def try to impress you with his athleticism, bc girls like that stuff right? (gojo told him that...save him)
he frequently challenges you to friendly competitions when sparring to showing off his skills.
he def let's you get quite a few hits on him and he may even let you win from time to time (seeing your smile makes getting knocked on his ass worth it)
he might act a bit bashful, but he's straightforward. he knows he has a crush on you so why would he hide it?
expect nice gestures like him wanting to carry things for you, buying you food, watching all your fav movies, ect.
speaking of which, movie hangouts!!!
every friday usually you, megumi, nobara, and yuuji all get together and watch a movie
buuuttt if he's feeling especially brave he'll invite you to his dorm to watch the newest movie in your favorite series! (yes, he keeps track of when they come out)
he loves that it becomes y'alls thing and he loves it even more when you lay your head on his shoulder and doze off <;33
he also gives hella compliments cause something in my gut says his love language is words of affirmation.
anticipate many "isn't [name] just the coolest?" or "you look great today [name]!"
im telling you he could never run out of nice things to say to you, whether it be about your looks or personality
as soon as he realizes he likes you he takes down those pin up girl posters in his dorm
he also obviously thinks you're more beautiful than jennifer lawrence argue wit ur mama
he is also obviously a personality over looks guy so dont act surprised if you see him looking at you with a lovesick grin if he catches you doing something kind for someone
expect him to confess his feelings sooner rather than later
"yeah, why wouldn't i have a crush on [name]? shes beautiful and badass! but don't tell her, okay?"
megumi fushiguro 🌸
megumi, unlike yuuji is quite reserved, even with his friends
honestly gives no indication that he likes you at all 💀💀 he stares at you pretty intensely at first (to admire your beauty) but quickly catches on that you think its weird..
once you two get closer though, megumi would frequently express his crush through small gestures
he strikes me as a reader so i can see him recommending his favorite books to you or even lending you some of his.
you two exchange books often and he highlights quotes that remind him of you
i can also see book shop hangouts where you two sit and read together in some small bookshop he found in the city.
(he's just admiring you read)
he's not a huge compliment/affirmation guy but quality time is a big one for him
whether it be on missions, sparring, or out with the rest of the first year's, he enjoys any time he can have with you.
megumi is also very protective but like...subtly
he secretly watches out for you during missions, making sure you're safe without drawing attention to it
he'll insist you two split up but send one of his divine dogs to accompany you to wherever you go.
even when you're out and about in tokyo he always likes to stay close to you. he follows you around (not in a creepy way more like a lost puppy way)
follows you into stores you like even if he has absolutely no interest.
all in all he's just a shy guy who's whipped for you <3
"i enjoy spending time with you. a lot."
teen!satoru gojo 🌸
gojo...you bastard...(affectionate)
erm ngl i can def see him being a bully to you at first...
not like a bully bully but he def teases you a lot and it gets under your skin sometimes. (you hate him)
but in reality hes jus a spoiled litte rich boy in love.
once he realizes his feelings he still pokes fun at you sometimes, but tones it down hard and turns on his charm.
gojo's approach is confident and playful. he teases you, always with a charming grin, creating a dynamic that keeps things lighthearted and enjoyable.
he'll find excuses to spend time with you, whether it's offering to train together
unlike yuuji he doesn't care if he likes you this son of a gun will NOT let you win istg
it's like he's trying to rile you up, saying ridiculously cheesy one liners as he dodges all your attacks.
"thats the best you got? oh [name], we'll never get to be together if i keep beating you!"
one thing he does enjoy doing with you however, are snack runs.
gojo is a big back in disguise with too much money to spend so you already knows most of that goes towards food.
he has a huge sweet tooth so i can see you guys browsing multiple sweets shops in the city. if he sees you even look at something for too long he'll buy 10 of them.
every trip you guys both leave with full bellies and full hearts <3
gojo wants to be around you, and he makes sure it's fun for you both
his confession is likely to be straightforward. ccompanied by his trademark smile and his sparkling blue eyes peeking from his shades.
"you know, i've been thinking... i'm kind of into you. what do you say we make things a bit more interesting?"
teen!kento nanami 🌸
my emo boy ❤️🩹
nanami, with his composed demeanor, expresses his feelings (though you were unsure if he even had any) through thoughtful actions.
he remembers every. single. detail. of anything you say to him.
your favorite attist dropped an album today? he already bought you the cd/vinyl. you never got a chance to go to the store to get your favorite snack? he went 2 days ago.
he revels in the fact that he knows so much about yousnd the surprised look on your face gets him every time.
(haibara claims he's seen nanami smile at you multiple times but he vehemently denies it.)
despite his serious appearance, he'll occasionally crack dry jokes when it's just the two of you
look at that man and tell me he doesn't have a dry sense of humor 😭😭
you help him to relax and he feels he can truly be himself around you. when you two are alone its like hes showing a different side to his personality.
like megumi, i can see quality time being a big thing for him since attending jujutsu high leaves him quite busy
hes also not a huge talker so whenever you two do spend time together its probably somewhere intimate like your dorm or the library.
no words, just vibes. which he appreciates since he's around a bunch of yipper yappers all day.
nanami's confession is understated but sincere.
"i appreciate the time we spend together. it's made me realize there's something more i feel..."
choso kamo 🌸
my babyyyy no. 2 (i need him biblically)
let's get one thing straight tho. choso is a curse. in my opinion curses have no idea of love in a healthy, positive way so let's just say bb is confused.
he obviously knows what love is. he loves his brothers but he doesnt wanna kiss them...and cuddle them...
he goes to yuuji for advice (was it a bad idea? perhaps.)
"bro you totally have a crush on [name]!"
"a crush?"
after some further investigation hes pretty much got the gist of it.
one thing he becomes quite fond of doing is giving you small gifts from his missions.
these aren't typic gifts persay, like food, clothing or jewelry but more like knickknacks such as shells or rocks.
these tokens become a way for him to express what words might fail to convey.
i headcannon choso likes nature documentaries and after seeing that penguins mate for life by gifting a rock to their mate he's hooked.
idk but i also feel like he's very touchy.
he always has an eye on you in public and ik he does the thing where he guides u with his hand on the small of your back or he locks pinkies with you UGHHHH
with him being protective, he also subtly keeps an eye on you during missions.
he's not one to voice his concern directly but prefers to ensure your safety from the danger.
choso's confession might catch you off guard, but it's filled with honesty and sincerity.
"i've found myself caring about you more than I expected. it's strange..."
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⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡ omg i actually really like this...(watch me hate it in a week) but reqs are open!! i have 1 or 2 more pieces planned to get me in the swing of things but take this before then. love y'all!!
𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐚𝐲 ♡
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𝙧𝙚𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚!
𝙘𝙤𝙥𝙮𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙡0𝙫3𝙝𝙖𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙧𝙖143 2024
#Words of the Love Hashira 💗#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#yuuji x reader#megumi x reader#gojo x reader#nanami x reader#choso x reader#x black fem reader#black writers on tumblr
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Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: The Bad Buddy Rewatch Edition, Part 0.5 -- The BBS Meta Series Preamble
[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. Today, I'm preambling a series of posts that I'll be publishing throughout November and December about my OGMMTVC rewatch of Bad Buddy and Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars.]
After nearly a month of rewatching Bad Buddy and Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy x A Tale of Thousand Stars -- TWICE, holy shit! -- I'm finally putting pen to paper on a four-part series of BBS meta that I've been looking forward to writing nearly all year.
Before I start the series, I'd like to offer a not-so-quick preamble of how I got here. Before the birth of this Old GMMTV Challenge project, I was flitting and floating, enjoying a dalliance with Thai BLs here and there, while still mostly watching Japanese BLs, my entrée into overall Asian BL content. I started with KinnPorsche in the late summer of 2022, picked up The Eclipse after that on the recommendation of a dear mutual (@the-nihongo-adventure, I hope you're well!), and then picked up A Tale of Thousand Stars in order to prepare for my first live GMMTV fandom experience on Tumblr in early January with Moonlight Chicken.
That was the exact order by which I came to Bad Buddy, which I watched for the first time in January and February of this year, after MLC ended. I was so blown away. I thought I was a drama girlie before Bad Buddy, but it was like Bad Buddy had made me see facets of drama-making that I had never known or appreciated before. The act structure of episode 10 alone just sat me the hell down, let alone the brilliance of the overall story arc vis à vis Pat, Pran, the themes and motifs of intergenerational trauma and filial piety that I related to, down to my bones and bloodstream, and the millions of layers on this show that we could spend a lifetime parsing.
My first piece about Bad Buddy, published in February, is the post on Tumblr that I am the most proud of writing, my first post (as a relatively new Tumblr-ite) that I took days and drafts to work on. In that post, I worked out what I saw as the major theme of intergenerational trauma dominating the story landscape of Bad Buddy, framed in what I interpreted as a reflection of David Hegel's thesis-antithesis-synthesis modality of change in philosophy and art, as most poignantly reflected in Herman Hesse's Siddhartha.
In other words, y'all: I became a BBS girlie, lol.
And, partly in conversation with @miscellar, and partly by way of the just TREMENDOUS, TREMENDOUS amount of meta on Bad Buddy on Tumblr (whew, the MASTERS, @telomeke, @grapejuicegay, @dribs-and-drabbles, @airenyah, @dudeyuri, @dimplesandfierceeyes, oh my gosh, so many many more, I can't list them all!), I came to learn that Bad Buddy was a home to so many other themes, motifs, and references that honestly, my mind was blown.
For me, personally, it was ABL Sensei's original post on the newer landscape of GMMTV BLs answering to Thailand's seminal BLs, as well as @miscellar's post on BL tropes referenced and reshaped in Bad Buddy, that served as the original inspiration for the creation of the Old GMMTV Challenge project.
I needed to watch older Thai BLs to understand the landscape of how this genre was born and how it's changed and developed over time, to truly and deeply understand the impact that Bad Buddy had on me personally and artistically, and how it stands in the echelon of the Thai BL genre today, particularly by way of the influence of BBS's director, the brilliant Aof Noppharnach. I needed to know about the food that fed Bad Buddy to make Bad Buddy what it was as its own seminal drama.
So, after 32 shows and movies watched on the OGMMTVC list, I get to this moment -- my turn, my time, to pound out some BBS meta, knowing what I know now about the history of the Thai BL genre up to 2021-2022.
My four-part series of BBS meta will focus on the following:
Part 1: A look at how previous GMMTV BLs spoke to Bad Buddy in their own development, and to Bad Buddy itself. I'll take a look at the BL tropes that Bad Buddy references and reshapes. I'll touch upon Theory of Love, A Tale of Thousand Stars, Still 2gether, and many more older shows. I'll also take a look at themes in BBS that I didn't touch upon in my first BBS thesis from February 2023.
Part 2: In conjunction with my Big Meta series on themes of pain in Asian dramas, I want to take a look at the themes of pain, trust, and separation (sometimes voluntary, sometimes forced) in some Asian dramas, including Bad Buddy, Still 2gether, A Tale of Thousand Stars, Until We Meet Again, and I Promised You The Moon.
Part 3: I have had the extremely GREAT luck to engage in lengthy discussion about Bad Buddy with a number of Asian Tumblr bloggers, to discuss how we related to BBS as Asians, and what themes we could analyze from our culturally attuned and lived-in perspectives. In this meta, I'll take a look at Asian cultural touchpoints including inherited and intergenerational trauma; competition amongst one's peers; the nature of secret-keeping and what's "acceptable" to explicitly talk about in Asian family systems; and much more. (I may need to split this post into two, we'll see!)
Part 4: I'll offer some thoughts, based off of the Pain, Trust, and Separation Big Meta and the BBS Asian Cultural Touchpoints meta, on Pran leaving for Singapore, and how Thai vs. international audiences may interpret his decision to leave Thailand for two years.
I'm late to the BBS meta game, but there's no time like the present to catch the hell up. I'm happy to celebrate Bad Buddy's two-year anniversary this way, and I'm really excited that the OGMMTVC allows me to do so.
Part 1 drops later this week. Meet me at Wai's bar for a chit-chat -- and thank you for reading along!
(Tagging @dribs-and-drabbles by request! If you'd like to be tagged, please let me know! <3 )
[Here's the complete OGMMTVC watchlist as it stands today. For a more accurate look at what I've watched, please mosey over to this link!
1) The Love of Siam (2007) (movie) (review here)
2) My Bromance (2014) (movie) (review here)
3) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) (review here)
4) Gay OK Bangkok Season 1 (2016) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here)
5) Make It Right (2016) (review here)
6) SOTUS (2016-2017) (review here)
7) Gay OK Bangkok Season 2 (2017) (a non-BL queer series directed by Jojo Tichakorn and written by Aof Noppharnach) (review here)
8) Make It Right 2 (2017) (review here)
9) Together With Me (2017) (review here)
10) SOTUS S/Our Skyy x SOTUS (2017-2018) (review here)
11) Love By Chance (2018) (review here)
12) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) (no review)
13) He’s Coming To Me (2019) (review here)
14) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) and Our Skyy x Kiss Me Again (2018) (review here)
15) TharnType (2019-2020) (review here)
16) Senior Secret Love: Puppy Honey (OffGun BL cuts) (2016 and 2017) (no review)
17) Theory of Love (2019) (review here)
18) 3 Will Be Free (2019) (a non-BL and an important harbinger of things to come in 2019 and beyond re: Jojo Tichakorn pushing queer content in non-BLs) (review here)
19) Dew the Movie (2019) (review here)
20) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) (review here) (and notes on my UWMA rewatch here)
21) 2gether (2020) and Still 2gether (2020) (review here)
22) I Told Sunset About You (2020) (review here)
23) YYY (2020, out of chronological order) (review here)
24) Manner of Death (2020-2021) (not a true BL, but a MaxTul queer/gay romance set within a genre-based show that likely influenced Not Me and KinnPorsche) (review here)
25) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) (review here)
26) A Tale of Thousand Stars (2021) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For The Sake Of Rewatching Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (re-review here)
27) Lovely Writer (2021) (review here)
28) Last Twilight in Phuket (2021) (the mini-special before IPYTM) (review here)
29) I Promised You the Moon (2021) (review here)
30) Not Me (2021-2022) (review here)
31) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) (thesis here)
32) 55:15 Never Too Late (2021-2022) (not a BL, but a GMMTV drama that features a macro BL storyline about shipper culture and the BL industry) (review here)
33) Bad Buddy (2021-2022) and Our Skyy 2 x BBS x ATOTS (2023) OGMMTVC Rewatch (watching)
34) Secret Crush On You (2022) [watching for Cheewin’s trajectory of studying queer joy from Make It Right (high school), to SCOY (college), to Bed Friend (working adults)]
35) KinnPorsche (2022) (tag here)
36) KinnPorsche (2022) OGMMTVC Fastest Rewatch Known To Humankind For the Sake of Re-Analyzing the KP Cultural Zeitgeist
37) The Eclipse (2022) (tag here)
38) The Eclipse OGMMTVC Rewatch For the Sake of Re-Analyzing an Politics-Focused Show After Not Me
39) GAP (2022-2023) (Thailand’s first GL)
40) My School President (2022-2023) and Our Skyy 2 x My School President (2023)
41) Moonlight Chicken (2023) (tag here)
42) Bed Friend (2023) (tag here) (Cheewin’s latest show, depicting a queer joy journey among working adults)
43) Be My Favorite (2023) (tag here) (I’m including this for BMF’s sophisticated commentary on Krist’s career past as a BL icon)
44) Wedding Plan (2023) (Recommended as an important trajectory in the course of MAME’s work and influence from TharnType)
45) Only Friends (2023) (tag here)]
#bad buddy#bad buddy the series#bad buddy meta#the bbs ogmmtvc meta series#turtles catches up with old gmmtv#turtles catches up with thai BLs#turtles catches up with the essential BLs#the old gmmtv challege#ogmmtvc#backaof noppharnach#aof noppharnach
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20 questions for fic writers
Tagged by @voidcat-senket who is a wonderful person defo check them out!
1. How many works do you have on ao3?
15, shockingly.
2. What’s your total ao3 word count?
142,962, which 60k of that is towards yeehaw/shadow currently.
3. What fandoms do you write for?
Currently just Star Wars, but I do write for L4D2 on tumblr!
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
Love In An Elevator - a VERY old SpiderVenom fic that is by far probably my legacy on a03 despite it having been abandoned back in 2016. It was mainly a massive fluff piece of Eddie and Peter falling in love while meeting each other in the elevator of their shared apartment complex and soon enough, Eddie's past comes back to haunt him. There was a time where I had planned to make a 3-parter to finish it, and I lost that outline for it years ago and just never had the motivation to write it again.
2. Burnt Coffee - Another fluffy SpiderVenom of them waking up together post sex and just enjoying each other's presence. Another very old one. But it was a short and sweet one-shot that even I still read back on to this day.
3. Pipe - This was a Corvo/Outsider fic that was based around a single tweet from Harvey Smith about how Corvo would, on the occasion, smoke a pipe for something special. So I wrote about Wyman proposing to Emily and them becoming engaged and Corvo smoking a pipe as a celebratory thing. There he's visited by Outsider and some trippy vague sex happens and the god spends the night. This was probably the fic that really solidified my repetitive writing style that I still use today.
4. Pluvial - Another Dishonored fic. This one was written post the first game, with uncertain chaos ending of just the Outsider giving Emily her first meeting with him. It was more of a character study into the two and was before the novel and the second game had been announced. I had planned on making a sequel years ago called Petrichor, but never got around to it. I'm now realizing that 2/3rds of my Dishonored fics are titled with the letter P.
5. This Isn't Bourbon - I'm actually... shocked that this is the next one for Kudos. This is a short Modern AU fluff one-shot of Ronin and Tara from the movie Epic. Where Ronin fucks up on asking for a Bourbon Old Fashioned and asks for chocolate milk because he's smitten with the bartender (Tara). I wrote this one in a night when I SHOULD have been working on a project. To be honest, I was shocked this one even got up as high as it did for anything, as it was just a silly little thing. But then again, the Ronin/Tara people are hungry for anything,
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do respond to comments! I don't get to all of them, but I do try to respond to all of them. Certain ones on old fics (like Love in an Elevator) I tend not to as they're just reminiscing on the fic being left alone. But if I post something new or I'm just flattered by the comment (wHICH TO BE FAIR, I'm always flattered???? some of y'all are too fucking nice), I try my best to respond! Interaction is always fun for me.
6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
OH FUCK that would be Birdcall! I had been playing L4D2 once and everyone had died (playing realism mode, so no respawns) and Ellis caw-caw'd out expecting a return (as if the team gets separated they'll caw-caw back, or at least Coach will?), and never got one as the team was dead. So I decided to write up a literal all hurt no comfort fic of the team dying one by one and Ellis have to make it through the Parish chapter himself. And when he gets to the end of the game and onto the helicopter, he gets excited and turns to tell the team but remembered he was the only one left alive. I cried typing it ngl.
7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
If we're talking the longer fics I have, that would be Connor Get Your Priorities Straight, an Assassins Creed 3 collection I did of Connor and Mason Wheems connecting and falling in love over the course of a year. Each chapter was written during the season/weather I was currently experiencing (since the game took place near home of good ol' Boston) and was just them living their lives. And of course, it ends up with them together .
8. Do you get hate on fic?
Since moving to AO3, I have not received any hate. I used to get a lot of hate back on fanfic.net from the infamous Fox Familiar if anyone knows of her. And then some general odd hate in ways of mockery from others. But since moving from there, I've received none, and let me tell you it helped a LOT with the self-esteem with writing as I was still a minor when I got the hate.
9. Do you write smut?
I doooooo~ On occasion, for the most part. I've done a few PW/oP's and then emotional PW/P's. Of all the longer pieces I have none have smut chapters (very soon to that changing). I've come to realize, however that my best smut is when I write it as like, an experience, rather than explicitly. It's about the intimacy, the connection, the feelings, the experience, rather than just Person A does this to Person B. Person B does this to Person A. Which, do not get me wrong, I still love it when I see it, and it's a VERY fun way to read and write, but I find that I struggle with that style. So weird experimental stuff it is!
10. Do you write crossovers?
I could. I don't think I've ever written a crossover outside of roleplay? But I haven't yet!
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
ONCE. There was that HUGE breach a few years back on AO3 where a bunch of peoples fics got stolen onto a website that requires you to pay to even look at it, and I had to send like 3 e-mails to customer support with a copy-paste about stuff. This was back in like... I think 2019? And they'd nagged I think my Uncharted fics and my SpiderVenom ones.
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
I have not! I do know that I have a few Spanish speaking readers (who've made a few comments before) that I would love to translate the fic for, but I know I'm not skilled enough in Spanish (and the Spanish I know is Puerto Rican-slanged Spanish) to do so. I know, in time, I do plan on writing a fic in Irish once I get better at the language (I'm still learning!).
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
I have not! It's something I think about a lot when it comes to my friends and such, writing something together but I have no idea if I can beat my walls down to let someone else take over on things when it comes to how I write and such. It's SUCH a thing for me. In time, I would love to. Where I'm at right now? Probably not.
14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?
All-time??? Gosh. I think, of all the ships I have, there's one I keep coming back to, regardless of time and place, it's something that I think of so much and how much I joke about how it's the blueprint for all future ships of mine, and that's Corvo/Outsider. It's the one I think of the most between all my hyper fixations, and it was one of the first ships that my partner and I had gotten into and done so much with before we even started dating. And to this day it is an important ship to the two of us.
15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?
Love In An Elevator. I feel like it's awful parent, neglecting it for years despite the fact I had written out a whole 3-parter outline to finish it up. Maybe, in time, I may try to again, down the line. But it would be a wild jump from 2016 writing and 2023 writing as I went through an entire degree and developed more and more of my writing style. But I lost motivation for it years ago. So there's always this hesitation of "Oh I'll pick it up!" and then I sit there knowing I would end up dropping it again.
16. What are your writing strengths?
I don't know. From my point of view, there's always things to improve upon. I've come to discover, with the recent writing of shadow of the mountain, that I've got a good voice for many of the characters, understanding their motivations, their tones, etc. And I find that my sense of writing pure dread and fear tends to work well as that's something I've been working on in ttrpg horror campaigns. (Hi Barq, I still think about the time I genuinely scared you and I'm still very VERY SORRY, I LOVE YOU)
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Planning. I have only recently started making outlines for my works. And even then, I don't follow it to a T as I tend to keep adding and adding. ALSO, FUCKING COMMAS. I USE THEM TOO MUCH! SOMEONE STOP ME.
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?
It's a situational thing. Certain things, like shouting out surprised ( "DIOS MIO!" for example) is fine, as it's part of being bilingual. I found myself shouting in Irish the other day at someone who cut me off! Without even thinking! As well as if the other person is also speaking in that language, go for it. But those fics where the character says something in a language that they had never spoken in in cannon without the explicit headcannon being mentioned, and then all of a sudden "oh sorry, I forgot you don't speak that"/"oh sorry, it's hard to switch out sometimes", I DUNNO MAN, rubs me the wrong way. This is also coming from someone who has English as their first language and is currently learning Irish through an app, and Puerto Rican Spanish through proxy of partner's family. But that language stuff CAN work, it just has to be in the right setting and make sense.
19. First fandom you wrote for?
First one I wrote for on AO3 that wasn't me moving things over from fanfic.net was actually Uncharted! But over all, from years ago? Wee me who was probably 14 or something? Either Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy.
20. Favourite fic you’ve written?
That would be the one I'm currently working on: shadow of the mountain. This is the first BIG fic I've written in a long time. The last big one being to catch smoke for the Dishonored Big Bang 2017, of which feels tiny in comparison to the current one. Shadow has been such a test of my skills to where I joked about "nothing is a coincidence" to the point where I had to make a tag for it because of how much intertwining and interweaving this fic has with itself. There's still so much I haven't fully revealed yet and so much I've hinted at (that some have caught on to) that I'm just--it feels good to write it. It feels good to push myself to something so intricate for each and every detail since the very first sentence. I can't wait to finish it.
Tag 20 people: TWENTY? THAT'S SO MANY. i think senket tagged some of you already but im retagging :D @nightingalesighs @etoiline @missinkylace @xenalistair (DO THIS FOR YOUR ART <3) @paper-crane-castles . I got 5. Meg ain't got a fuckin tumblr so I can't assault her with it.
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"I missed you."
"....I missed you, too."
Prompt #2, Pitch Perfect RarePair Week
This scene now has a Part 2! Check it out here!
Artist thoughts, links to the other prompt days, and a Close Up under the cut, Image ID in the alt text!
*drags myself in out of sheer force of will, collapsing immediately on the floor, holding this post aloft like a hard-won trophy* I did it. I got the drawing for today's prompt done. Here you go.
So, backstory: this is technically related to what will now be three posts later this week (because there's supposed to be a second part of this drawing based on Prompt #7, "I can't say it so I'll sing it", that will now be posted along with my original unrelated idea for #7 on Sunday), all of which are based on a fanfic I've been writing for a couple months now. Said fic (and two of the three posts) is Jeca-centered, but it's based in a little pocket verse that has a LOT more going on in it than just their whole... Thing, and that includes other RarePairs hanging out and generally being adorable in the background. (This includes all of the rarepairs I'm featuring this week, btw.)
Enter Chaubrey, who have their own side story going on that includes at least one gay panic (Aubrey), years of pining (Chloe, literally from their freshman year at Barden onwards), a mutual realization of "holy shit there might be something here, actually!" (Seen above, more on that below), a few months of hesitant flirting and maybe-sorta-kinda dates, and, finally, a reveal of feelings through meaningful glances during a duet featuring the rest of the Bellas (and a subsequent mutual decision to sneak off and talk things through after... Which may or may not lead to smooching in a broom closet somewhere. Maybe. Yes, Fat Amy finds them, and, no, she never lets them hear the end of it, even at their wedding a year later). It's a lot, is what I'm getting at here, that unfortunately goes mostly unsaid in-story due to the POV(s) I'm writing in, but I felt it was important that y'all know about it anyways because they live in my head rent free. Constantly. So.
Now, as for this scene specifically: set roughly 1 and a half years after PP3, Aubrey and Chloe are helping Beca pick out a wedding outfit as the Chief Bridesmaid and Maid of Honor, respectively (a position that Chloe threatened to fight Fat Amy for until Beca, in fear of "the Kraken has been unleashed!", declared that Chloe was Maid of Honor and Fat Amy would officiate, end of story), a month or two after Beca announced her engagement via a group zoom call (and Chloe's excited reaction subsequently provoked a Gay Panic™ in Aubrey as she suddenly had the realization that "I want to see her smile like that for the rest of my life", a Totally Normal and Measured Reaction to have for your best friend of course). Stacie would help but she's trying to wrangle a flower girl dress for little Bella across the country in New York, and Emily is splitting her time between song writing and helping with other logistics ("I've been researching venues, did you know there's actually an old movie theatre here in LA that can be rented out for weddings?" "rEALLY?!?! 😍" "NO." "Come oooonnnn, Becs, you gotta admit that's cool!" "Not. Happening."), So it's down to Chloe and Aubrey to help find the perfect wedding gown suit for Beca, because, and I quote, "Just because I agreed to a wedding does NOT mean I'm gonna be like every other bride on Say Yes to the Dress or whatever, if we're doing this we're doing it my way, and I'm not wearing a poofy overpriced dress that I can only use once, got it?" ("But, Beca, don't you wanna, I dunno, dress up for your husband-to-be? Go the whole nine yards?" "Are you kidding?! Jesse offered to just go up to the courthouse and be done with it, he's still amazed I said yes in the first place. It was only after I reminded him that you pitches would hunt us down and murder us if we got married without you that he agreed to do an actual wedding." "...Damn. You two really are made for each other huh." "You're also correct, there would be nowhere on this planet you could hide from our wrath if you'd eloped. Fat Amy has connections.")
Anyways.
In the midst of the chaos of trying on outfits and assuring the sales associate at each shop (because there are multiple shops visited, by the way) that, yes, she really does want a suit instead of a dress, and no, she won't be persuaded otherwise, and in trying to find matching bridesmaid outfits for the rest of the girls, Chloe and Aubrey find some moments to just... Talk. They haven't been able to talk much since the tour, at least in person, and they've missed that. They've missed each other. (Hence, the prompt!) Herein comes the realization that they're both single (rip Chicago you'll debatably be missed), and the mutual blushes and unusually shy glances start clueing them each in that, huh. It's almost like... She might... Reciprocate??? My feelings??? But they don't quite get to unpack that because there's still suit shopping to do!
But they'll get there, don't worry! We'll get the resolution to this little storyline on Sunday, because what better way to finally confess your feelings than with the same mashup that first truly brought you and your friends together! 😎
In the meantime, I've got bonus posts going up tomorrow and Thursday (because I couldn't come up with anything for either of those prompts, though I did try), then we're back with the last 4 true Prompt Entries™ starting Friday, with two entries for Sunday!
Days I've participated in (and Entries I've posted):
Day 1 (This is me trying): Link
Day 2 (I missed you): You Are Here!
Day 5 (if honesty means telling the truth... Well then the truth is I'm still in love with you): Link
Day 6 (there's no way that it's not going to happen with you looking at me like that): Link
Day 7.1 (I can't say it, so I'll sing it): Link
Day 7.2 (part 2): Link
Plus a relevant bonus Post for this particular scene can be found here!
Close Up:
#chaubrey#pitch perfect rare pair week#pprpw22#pprpw22.2#pitch perfect rare pair week 22#pitch perfect#aubrey posen#chloe beale#myposts#myart
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Y'all I'm talking about Ovi Lelouch today!
She's the main character in betrothed in blood, she's a 20 year old lesbian who's whole vibe is 'I did NOT want to be here'
Long post ahead yall
She has pretty powerful plant powers that are usually dormant and manifest as like, helping plants grow a little taller and survive the winter frost but when she's scared or angry, whoops these random plants just grew thorns and are attacking you now!
Don't anger plant lady basically.
She's a Lelouch, which is a minor noble family that is TERRIBLE to everyone. They are the reason that coups exist. Like seriously, these people had 9 kids and made it their personal goal to take everything that they loved away from them.
Ovi, was a kinda quiet child, which means that her siblings basically forgot she existed (don't blame them they had a lot of shit going on) and basically lost her ability to speak because she'd go days without speaking or interacting to a single human being. She's selectively mute now.
When she was really young and still wanted her family to notice her (before she noticed how awful they were and decided she was better not) she got locked outside for a night after missing dinner, and climbed over a wall into a forest of fruit trees. She like bonded them and they became her home.
When she turned 18, she moved out of her house (she didn't before because her parents have a blood binding ritual on all their kids that they can't leave unless they die or become adults) she bought a floral shop in town (she didn't want to leave because of her forest), where she basically started healing for a year.
Guess what? Her store got robbed and she was almost stabbed, when the flowers she kept in her store reacted by creating thorny vines and attacking. She realizes she's likely going to executed for having powers and runs off to the forest. This was a mistake, the robber was able to describe her (he was let off because he turned in a 'worse' criminal). The Lelouch family was like 'hey that's my child' so they claimed her and were like 'you know, she always like that forest over our wall, and those trees grew taller than they ever had yesterday'. So guards come in and kidnap her away from her only safe space.
She's saved by being 1. Incredibly powerful and 2. a minor noble and is instead betrothed to the very cute (in her opinion) second born daughter of the king and queen. (yes they can have children, it involves a very expensive and complicated ritual, but the daughter is very powerful and so is Ovi and the king and queen want to have that power in the bloodline)
Anyways, it turns out the princess is part of a rebellion and is an assassin, and Ovi's like, 'look, I know a thing or two about terrible parents, I'll help you overthrow your parents and like, you let me go back to my flower shop and we never talk again.' except shes very nonverbal from stress, so instead it's just kinda a thing where Ovi practices her powers to grow flowers, saying things through flower language.
She's my child and I love her.
#Ovi Lelouch#world building#original character#long text#main character#betrothed in blood#lelouch family#ask me about the other siblings#ask me about my ocs#srsly#talk to me#writers on tumblr
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💙So here is the second chapter of my request book, this request was so much fun to write to the point where I will be making it a whole book of its own on Wattpad. Once it’s started I will post the link here!💖
Chapter 2: Portwell’s Adventures In Parenting
Word Count: 3894
Today is their three year anniversary. They decided to get married on the same day they had their first kiss as a couple. July 30th, what a glorious day. A day both of them still remember quite vividly. They were sitting on their couch looking at their old high school and college memories laughing together.
Gina: Oh Eej, remember when that was taken?
Ej: Of course I do. That was my last opening night as a senior...that was also the night I got the girl of my dreams ten years ago today.
Gina: I will never regret chasing after you, I knew exactly what I wanted and that was your sexy ass *she kisses him*.
Ej: Nah the only sexy person in this room is you *he pins her down on the couch and kisses her*.
Ej pulled away and looked Gina in her eyes and those eyes had lust written all over them and he knew exactly what she wanted. He was gonna give her an anniversary to remember...
Three Weeks Later
For the second time this week Gina has been woken up by the sudden urge to throw up. The first time it was a little but the second time it was a lot which resulted with her and Ej being on the bathroom floor for a solid thirty minutes with Gina's head in the toilet.
Gina: God Eej I don't know what's happening. I've never had sickness like this before. What the hell is happening *she dry heaves*.
Ej: Babe...serious question.
Gina: *mid dry heave* what?
Ej: Are you late?
Gina stopped dry heaving once that question was asked. Then her eyes grew wide once the realization hit but there was one thing they needed for a confirmation.
Gina: Eej bring me my phone.
Ej tied her hair in a ponytail before he let it fall back down. He then gets up to go and get her phone. Her password was 354743 (EJGP4E).
Gina: Open the pink Flo app and tell me what it says *her voice was quivering*.
Ej: 23 days...
Gina: How long ago was our anniversary?
Ej: 21 days ago. Your period was already two days late and then with sex on top of it...
Gina: Go to CVS and buy me a pregnancy test now!
Ej rushes off to the car to go and buy the pregnancy test. Along with that he also bought a bunch of Gina's favorite snacks that she could binge eat if needed. Ej comes back to the house and he gives her the test.
Ej: Hey G, no matter what happens we are in this together *he hugs her tightly*.
They pull away and Gina shuts the bathroom door and pees on the test. After she was done she opened the door and she and Ej sat on the bed while they waited for the test which stayed in the bathroom. After five minutes they went to go get it. She placed it upside down so they could do the reveal together.
Ej: You ready...3
Gina: 2
Both Of Them: 1
They flipped it over and there it was clear as day...
They just stood their shocked and even though they were both scared about what was gonna happen next, they looked up at each other and those shocked faces turned into huge smiles. Ej leaned in and kissed her and put his hands on her stomach. He then lowered himself down to her tummy to talk to the baby.
Ej: Hey there little dude or dudette, this is your father. I'm so excited to meet y'all *he kisses her tummy*.
Gina: Well time for me to make a doctors appointment. It's too early now so we have to wait another three weeks before we see anything.
Ej: Good thing we both have good jobs and we save our money wisely. I can't believe it, I'm getting a son or daughter *he tears up*. I'm going to be a dad!
Gina: I know Eej, just imagine a little you running around all over the place *she laughs*.
Ej: Or the cutest curly head cue shaking her amazing hair back and forth just like her momma *he caresses her face*. I'm so excited!
Gina: Me too *they kiss*.
Three Weeks Later
Dr. Chen: Hello hello you two. How is your day going?
Gina: It's going good, just excited to see my baby.
Ej: Show us our bundle of joy*he grabs Gina's hand*.
Dr. Chen runs the ultrasound gel on Gina's tummy and puts the wand to the gel. He rubbed around until he found it.
Dr. Chen: Congratulations, there are your babies!
Ej and Gina's eyes grew wide after they heard babies...with ies at the end...
Ej: Babies...meaning more than one *he felt Gina's grip tighten on his hand*.
Dr. Chen: Yes, you two are expecting twins *he claps excitedly*.
Gina's mouth dropped open after hearing the confirmation and tears fell from her eyes. Last time she checked twins didn't run in either of their families so she was so shocked to hear this. She looked at Ej but still smiled happily through the tears.
Gina: We're getting two Eej *she sniffs*.
Ej: We are *he smiles big*!
Dr. Chen wiped off the gel off Gina's stomach and sent them on their way. The two of them realized that their expenses just doubled and that sent them into a panic a bit.
Gina: So now that we know it's official, when do we tell our parents and friends about this?
Ej: Well let's tell our parents first, how do you want to do it? I've seen a lot of cute things online that we could do. I remember seeing this one post where the family had a game night where everyone was asking questions and then the mom to be said "When is baby - due" and everyone soon realized what she meant and immediately hugged her.
Gina: Eej that is a great idea, I love that. And it gives us an excuse to have game night and actually have fun. Since this is a gathering, why not invite our friends?
Ej: True point, that way we don't have to host another one *they laugh*.
Ej texted the group chat that he, Gina, and his parents were in while Gina texted the theatre group chat.
Ej: Ok my parents said they are down, they have nothing planned.
Gina: One thing I love about our group is how fast everyone responds. They are all down for it as well. One month from today?
Ej: Sound perfect.
One Month Later
Ej: Ok everyone we're gonna switch up the gears a bit for this next game. This is gonna be a trivia game but instead of board game questions, it's gonna be questions about yourselves. Sound fun?
Carlos: Heck yeah, time to see who knows what and who doesn't *he playfully glares at everyone*. I'll go first. When is my birthday?
Sebbie: June 11th. What is my favorite thing to do?
Kourtney: Work on your farm. Where should y'all be getting your clothes from?
Gina: Kourtney's Fashions. When are the Baby Caswell's due?
Carlos thought he knew what she was gonna ask so he was standing up about to blurt out an answer but was frozen solid instead. Moments later screams could be heard from miles around. Ashlyn rushed over and immediately hugged Gina which then turned into a dog pile but everyone was careful to avoid her stomach.
Sebbie: I love babies *he's crying*.
Nini: Wait a second, did you say babies? Meaning MORE THAN ONE!?
Gina: Yes!
Everyone screamed even louder and then they eventually got off of Gina once they all calmed down. Then came the parents.
Terri: Oh my goodness, my little girl is really holding my twin grand babies. Oh I'm so happy for you *she hugs her*. I am here to help you two with everything, please let me.
Gina: On course. Why do you think we gathered y'all here today. We want y'all in these babies lives.
Cash: So happy for you son, I'll be here every step of the way, I know you're gonna make those babies proud that you're their dad. I know I'm proud.
Ej: Thanks dad, that means a lot *they hug*.
Terri: So how far along are you?
Gina: I am ten weeks in so far.
Ashlyn: Oh man I'm ten weeks late, let us plan everything.
Gina: Of course. Which happens first, the baby shower or the gender reveal?
Big Red: I think gender reveal, that way we can buy the appropriate clothes for the babies. Then we can give them to you at the shower.
Gina: Perfect, thanks Big Red.
Two Months Later. Gender Reveal Party. 23 Weeks In
Gina: Oh wow! Everyone decorated this party so beautiful. We have some really creative friends.
Ej: Always have *he looks at Gina's tummy*. Hey you two, can't wait to find out what you are *he tickles her*.
Gina: Eej, quit it *she snorts then covers her nose*.
Ej: *looks around* no one heard that *they laugh as they remember that's exactly what he said the first time it happened during class*.
Ej grabs Gina's hand as they make their way over to the fog boxes that were gonna reveal everything they wanted to know.
Ej: Ok everyone, count down baby number 1!
They start counting down. As soon as they hit one, Ej lit the first box. After a couple of seconds, the fog turned BLUE and the crowd went wild. Ej hugged and spun Gina around, carefully of course. Once he sat her down he gave her the lighter for the second box. She lit it up and after a couple of second, the fog turned PINK and neither of them could contain themselves. Crowd went crazy once they realized they were getting the best of both worlds. What a day to remember.
One Month Later. Baby Shower. 27 Weeks In
Everyone gathered at Ej and Gina's place for the shower. They didn't want to rent out any venue when their home was just the right spot for it. The boys bought the stuff for the boy and the girls bought things for the girl. It was everything Gina had wanted it to be. Cash and Terri had set up the nursery for the twins and it was already finished. They had diapers, wipes, and clothes for days. They had the best group of friends they could ever ask for.
Ashlyn: So do y'all know what you're gonna name the babies?
Ej: Yes we do, not gonna tell y'all yet. That can wait *he teased*.
Ashlyn: Ughhh worst cousin everrrrr *she jokes making everyone laugh*.
Terri: Don't feel bad, I can't get it out either and I'm her mother.
Gina: Sorry mommy *she smiles big with her eyes closed*.
Three Months Later. 38 Weeks In
It was the middle of the night and Gina sprung up from her sleep. She uncovered herself and she saw a puddle of water coming out of her fast. She immediately shook Ej up.
Gina: Eej, Eej wake up. My water broke!
Ej's eyes sprung open and immediately looked down at Gina. He put on his shoes, helped Gina put on hers and helped her to the car. Gina was breathing really hard, she felt the contractions already. Luckily it was late at night meaning there was no traffic on the road. They pulled up to the hospital and nurses immediately went to Gina's aid and rushed her into a room. She was laid on her back and was sweating a lot. She felt like these babies were gonna come at any second.
Gina: Eej, did you let our parents know what's happening?
Ej: Yeah they are already on the way. You got this babe *he holds her hand*.
Gina felt a contraction and squeezed tf out of Ej's hand, as painful as it was he didn't pull away. After a few seconds it had passed, then a few minutes later the doctor was in.
Dr. Jaimee: Alright Gina alright, you can do this. You still have a couple of mi- oh wait no nevermind! These babies are ready to come out right now. In a few seconds I need you to push for me!
Gina was breathing so hard, she was scared and flustered but also so excited to be meeting her babies soon.
Dr. Jaimee: Ok Gina, three, two, one, PUSH NOW!
Gina: UUGGHHHHHHH *she pushed me then stopped*.
Dr. Jaimee: Ok that was good, I see one babies head a bit. Push again, three, two, one, PUSH!
Gina: UGGHH THIS HURTS! *she pushed more of the head out*.
Once the head was out Dr. Jaimee was able to push on a certain spot on her body which then caused the rest of the baby to come sliding right on out.
Dr. Jaimee: It's the boy! Oh he's so handsome *she passes to a nurse*. Ok I need you to push a few more times. Three, two, one, PUSH!
Gina: EJ WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE! *she pushed and the second head slowly started to show*.
Dr. Jaimee: You're doing great momma, just a few more times. You can do this. Three, two, one, PUSH!
Gina screamed out and pushed one last time and out came her baby girl, crying just as loud as her brother. Gina was crying after seeing her two babies lying on the table being cleaned up and so was Ej.
Ej: You did so good Gina, I'm so proud of you *he's crying hard*. They're beautiful just like you. You did it momma. I love you so much!
Gina: I love you too Eej, thank you *she holds his hand normally*.
After the babies got done being cleaned and wrapped up, the boy was handed to Gina and the girl was handed to Ej.
Dr. Jaimee: What are their names?
Ej: Sofia Christine Caswell.
Gina: And Matt James Caswell.
Dr. Jaimee: Those are beautiful names. They were born on April 22nd. Matt was born at 3:36am, weighing 6lbs 12 ounces, and is 13 inches long. Sofia was born at 3:40am, weighing 5lbs 7 ounces, and is 11 inches long. Congratulations on your bundles of joy. We will leave you alone, should we look out for any visitors?
Ej: Yes, Cash Caswell and Terri Porter.
Dr. Jaimee: Alright got it.
Dr. Jaimee closed the door and then it left the new family of four.
Ej: Hi Sofia, my little girl. I'm going to spoil you rotten. You too Matt, I haven't forgotten about you *he laughs*.
Sofia started to whimper a bit and then starting. Gina knew exactly what to do.
Gina: She's hungry, I've already started feeding Matt *she shows Ej his son eating at her breast*.
Ej hands Sofia to Gina as he helped Sofia latch on properly to Gina's breast.
Gina: Oh my goodness this feels weird, but it's a really good weird and I love it more than anything else in the world.
Ej: And I love you more than anything else in the world...all three of you *he kisses Matt and Sofia's tiny little heads".
They heard a knock at the door and there were their parents greeting them with the biggest smiles on their faces. They waited for the babies to get done eating before they were finally able to hold them.
Terri: Oh my goodness my babies are so cute, I'll love you two forever and ever *she starts crying*.
Cash: They are amazing little babies, they get it from their parents. I sense great things from both of them. Wow, I have a granddaughter. She's the first girl on my side of the family not including my mother of course which is why this is a huge deal to me.
Ej: I get it dad.
Everyone took turns holding the babies, they took pictures to sent to the group chat and they went ballistic over it. They couldn't believe that they were here, happy, and healthy.
One Week Later
Ej and Gina were finally able to go home. After a week of monitoring the twins, they were safe to go home. Ej carried Matt and Gina carried Sofia. They walked out the hospital hand in hand and to their car. All of their friends have not met the babies yet so they were all waiting at their place to meet them. Ej fastened up Matt and Gina did the same with. Sofia and then they drove off.
Ej: Can you believe it? We're parents Gina!
Gina: I know, this whole thing is so surreal but it's the best feeling in the world. I have two new loves of my life and I couldn't be more thankful.
Ej: You're gonna want anymore *he smirks*?
Gina: Haaaaa you're funny...no. These two are going to be more than enough and I mean we already got the best package deal, why go for more when we have the best.
Ej: So no more sexxxx *he whines*?
Gina: Your pull out game has been strong for years, I don't know where you're getting this idea from *they laugh*.
They pull up to their driveway and they already see some of their friends standing outside shaking with anticipation. They got out the car and took out the babies. Carlos was the first to grab Sofia's car seat and tears immediately fell from his eyes. Kourtney had gotten Matt's and it took everything in her to not scream cause he was too cute. They brought the babies inside and everyone sat in a circle so they could all get a glimpse of the babies and then eventually hold them.
Nini: What was going into labor like?
Gina: It was an interesting experience, woke up around 2am with my water breaking and the rest is self explanatory. I was in labor for a solid hour before it was finally time to push. Matt came out first and Sofia followed four minutes later.
Sebbie was now holding Matt and he couldn't contain his tears, after all he did love babies.
Sebbie: Matt looks just like you Ej and Sofia is the slitting imagine of Gina. Did y'all notice that Matt's hair is straight while Sofia's is curly? They took after their parents in all ways.
Ricky: Good eye Sebbie *as he gets to hold Sofia*. Hi Sofia, it's your uncle Ricky, we're gonna get until all sorts of trouble when you're with me.
Nini: Not on my watch y'all won't *everyone laughs*.
Big Red gets Matt and he started to get a little fussy which causes Big Red to panic.
Big Red: Oh my god did I do something wrong *his voice quivered a bit*?
Ej: No no it's okay man, he's probably just tired or *he smells poop* poopy...
Ashlyn: I got him Eej, let auntie Ashlyn take care of my little man. His first diaper change *she smiles*.
Gina: Thanks Ash, I appreciate that.
Ashlyn: Anything for my favorite people.
Nini gasped which caught the attention of everyone there.
Nini: Guys...Sofia opened her eyes...look *she whispered excitedly*.
Everyone turned to look down at Sofia and there those eyes were. The prettiest hazel eyes looking back at all of them. Gina was in tears as she reached for her baby. Sofia looked up at her and gave Gina a little smile with threw her over the edge to the point where Ej had to wipe her tears constantly so they didn't fall on Sofia. This was about to be a journey.
One Month Later
Ej was woken up in the middle of the night by Sofia crying. As he got up he saw that Gina didn't budge a bit which tells him how tired she really is. She has been the best mom ever to his kids and she deserved the rest. He got up and went to the nursery and there was Sofia, crying while Matt was still sound asleep. He picked her up and quickly took her out the room before Matt woke up too.
Ej: Hey Sof, what's wrong my baby girl? Are you hungry? Let me go and fix you something.
He walked over to the fridge and got out a bottle of Gina's breastmilk to feed Sofia with. Lucky for the two of them, Gina's supply of milk was really heavy so they never ran out of breastmilk. He warmed up the bottle, made sure it wasn't too hot by putting a drop on his wrist, and then put it in her mouth. She immediately took it and calmed down.
Ej: There ya go my girl, all better now?
She just looked up at him with her big hazel eyes which only caused Ej to smile uncontrollably.
Ej's POV
Wow, this little girl really is mine. It feels just like yesterday I was bringing her back from the hospital, can't believe it's already been a month. God she's just as beautiful as her mother, I already see her curl pattern coming in nicely. She's the curly head cue I talked up a few month prior and it's better in person. I'm going to protect you and your brother forever Sofia, I promise you that.
After a couple of minutes of feeding her she had fallen back asleep. Ej gently patted her back to se if a burp could escape without waking her up fully and one did. With that happening he was able to bring her back to the nursery and put her back in her crib. Just as he was about to walk out he saw Matt with his eyes wide open.
Ej: What are you doing up buddy *he laughs, then picks him up, and walks out the room before he started crying*
Ej: This is about to be a long night but you two make it all worth it *he caressed Matt's cheeks which caused him to smile*.
Ej was so caught up in the moment he didn't even notice Gina walk in with Sofia.
Gina: Eej what are you doing up *as she rocks Sofia back to sleep*?
Ej: Oh well at first Sofia had woken up and I thought she was okay because I fed her and then laid her back down. Guess not.
Gina: I heard her stirring up a bit so I got her. I could've left her but she's my baby so I couldn't help it *she smiles*.
Ej: Yeah I get that. I got him cause I noticed he was just up and chilling, how could I not grab him?
Gina: We really need to start a schedule when it comes to these two.
Ej: And don't worry we will, surely it can't be too hard right?
Gina playfully glares at him because they both know the answer to that. They don't know how this is gonna go but they know as long as they have each other, they can do it.
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Morning guys! Today I'm finally getring back to posting my It Lives fics. (Sorry for the delay) Im posting 2 parts today since the first one is kind of short and its been a while. In todays chapter, its the morning after you and your friends performed the ritual that finally brought Noah back, and you just get a call with a new lead on stopping the Power. But before you go to get some answers, you take the time to catch up with an old friend. You can go to part 16 here. @it-lives-in-westchester @anxietyismyspiritanimal @ouleye I hope y'all enjoy it!
The following morning, you rub your eyes wearily as the suns rays shine through your window and hit your face. You check your phone to see it's only 8:30 and groan. Given you only got roughly four hours of sleep last night, you're not ready to greet the outside world just yet. Just then, Luna stretches at the foot of your bed and walks up to you, gently headbutting your arm and purring. You scratch her head for a few minutes until you're interrupted by a phone call from Connor.
You answer the phone still half asleep. "Hello?"
"Woah, sorry, did I wake you up?" He asks. You chuckle a little bit and sigh. "No, I actually just woke up. What's up?"
You can hear muffled voices in the background, one sounding like Jocelyns. "I'm pulling a shift at the hardware store right now, but Joss just came in here with some pretty solid information about the um... Situation."
"Really?" You ask, "like what?"
"She said she found-" Connor suddenly stops mid sentence and you can hear the phone drop, and in the distance you can hear Connor yell "put that back Joss it's just a display!" You pinch the bridge of your nose, and after a minute of more muffled talking, Connor picks the phone back up.
"Heh, sorry about that."
"Are you sure Jocelyn is the one who found actual information?"
You hear Connor give a small chuckle over the phone. "I'm sure. It's pretty busy here today, so maybe it's best if you just come here."
You flop your head back down on your pillow and scoff. "But I don't want to get up yet."
"Well, when you are ready to get up, you know where we'll be."
"Yeah yeah, I'll be there soon."
You hang up the phone and lay down a little longer, cherishing the comfort of your bed before getting up and running around for the rest of the day.
Before leaving, you make sure to take care of Luna, then head to the shed to check on Russel. As you step into the backyard, you take a long look at how destroyed it is. Branches from your tree have been broken off and scattered throughout your yard, dirt has been picked up and tossed around, not to mention the tire tracks in the grass leading up from your driveway to the tree where Connor slammed the vine bear.
Well, this is a mess.
Surprisingly, despite a few cracks and loosened boards, your shed still remained intact. You step inside and spot Russel nestled up in his nest, easily startled at the sound of the door creaking open. He puffs his feathers and caws, but once he realizes its you, he giddily jumps up and hops along the table as you approach.
"Looks like someone is happy to see me." You hold out your arm and he quickly leaps onto it, cawing with excitment. You gently stroke the feathers along his wings for a moment, until he suddenly puffs up and caws aggressively at the door. You feel your heart race as you carefully set him back in his nest, not taking your eyes off the door. You grab your bat and grip it tightly as you slowly approach the door.
You take a deep breath and place your foot between the door and the frame, then YANK it open! You charge out of the shed with your bat held high ready to swing- but no one is there. You look around skeptically but see no one around, and slowly lower your bat. You look back at Russel, who is still cawing from his nest, and then you hear a strange sound coming from your pond. You raise your bat once more and begin to cautiously advance towards the pond.
As you slowly approach the pond, you can see a torrent of bubbles shooting to the top of the water, and you feel your heart pounding in your ears. You can feel your legs begin to go numb as you are only a few feet away, but you keep on moving.
Then, as you finally stand right before the pond, the bubbles disappear in an instant. Bewildered, you cautiously look into the water and only see your reflection. Just as you are about to look away, you spot a face appear right behind you in your reflection. A face that you've only seen in a drawing you discovered at Coras: Redfield.
Immediately, you spin around and swing your bat as hard as you can, and see the figure just dodge it by a mere inch, their long brown hair brushing in the wind. "Hey!-"
"Noah?!" You drop your bat and feel your entire body shake as your heart drops like an anchor at the sight of him, relief washing over you. "Jeez, you want me gone again that bad already?" He asks, his arms still covering his face like a shield.
You roll your eyes and he grins. A small smile tugs at the corner of your mouth and you pull him into hug. After hesitating for a split second, he wraps his arms around you as well. "What are you doing here Noah?" You ask, still locked into a hug. "Trying to get my head taken off apparently."
"No, seriously," you say strictly as you pull away. "It's not even 9 o'clock yet, how did you even know I was in the backyard?" He shrugs and puts his hands in his pockets. "Well, I knocked on your door first but you didn't answer. Then I heard your bird in there making all sorts of noise, so I figured I'd come out back to see if you were out here. And then you tried Lucilling me."
You can't help but shake your head and laugh. "You scared the hell out of me. I thought you were-" you cut yourself off, thinking back to the face in the water. He raises an eyebrow at you as you remain silent. "Thought I was... what?" You shake the thought off and look back at him. "I thought you were something else."
He looks at you, eyes wide. "Something that involved using that?" He points to your bat lying by your feet, and you pick it up. "I...I just thought it was something from the woods."
"Hey, look around." He scans your entire yard with his hand and looks back at you. "There's nothing here now. Its just us." You look around yourself without seeing a hint of anything suspicious. "Yeah, you're right."
But I know what I saw...
You take a long skeptical look back at the pond, then turn back to him. "Connor actually called not too long ago. He said him and Jocelyn might have found something new about the Power but they're stuck at the hardware store. Want to take a walk there with me?"
He shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. "I might as well, since you clearly need a bodyguard." He grins as you playfully punch him in the arm. You set your bat back in the shed and you and Noah head out into town. But as you're walking away, you swear you can feel something watching you from the trees. Something that makes your blood run cold.
******
The walk into town is long and quiet, giving you and Noah time to catch up.
"So, how does it feel?" He looks at you with a raised eyebrow. "How does what feel?" You lightly nudge him in the arm. "You know, to be back. To be you again."
He looks down and stares at the ground as he walks, thinking before answering you. "I'm not sure how to feel about it honestly. For three years I was trapped as some shadow monster, now all of a sudden I'm back," he looks at his hands, studying them. "And it's like I never was that monster."
You walk in silence for a minute as you take in his words, and think of how to respond. "I wouldn't necessarily say you were a monster." He looks at you as if baffled. "Then what was I?"
You shrug your shoulders. "You were just... You. Just with a new look." He scoffs, but with the hint of a smile on his face. "And telekinetic powers? And the ability to go through walls? Not to mention a terrible speech problem."
You both burst out into laughter, the first time you've seen him laugh in years. You can't help but stare at the smile on his face, the happiness he hasn't felt in so long, even if it's just for a moment.
You look forward as you can just see the town in the distance. You look over to say something to him, but realize hes no longer walking next to you. You turn around to see he's stopped a little ways back, staring down a long street. You make your way back to him and follow his gaze, and you know exactly what he's looking at:
His house.
You look at his face and see the pained expression, the joy he had just felt disappeared, as if it were never there.
"Do you... Want to go? And see her?" He doesn't speak, nor does he look at you, his entire focus still locked on his house. "Noah?" He shakes his head as if coming out of a trance, and looks at the ground. "No. I can't." He kicks a pebble by his feet and watches it skip into the grass. "I'm not ready for that. Not yet. And I don't think she is either. Not after thinking I've been dead this whole time."
You put a hand on his back and rub it soothingly. "Hey, there's no rush. You've been through so much. Just take it all one step at a time, okay?" He still doesn't meet your gaze, but nods his head.
"Now come on, the town is just up ahead." He slowly starts walking with you, taking one last look at his street, guilt stricken across his face.
When you finally reach town, you notice him looking all around, at all the people, all the buildings, even the birds flying above. "Enjoying the scenery I see?" You say jokingly. He gives a small smile, still looking around. "Just taking in what I've missed the past few years."
You smile and look forward, and see the hardware store in the distance. You keep walking until he suddenly puts an arm in front of you, stopping you in your tracks.
"Hey-"
"Do you have to be there right away?" He asks. "I'm not necessarily on a schedule, why?" He nods his head and you notice he's stopped you in front of the cafe you sat down at the day he followed you from school, where he told you the story about when Jane chased after him when he ran away as a kid.
You look at him grinning from ear to hear as he meets your gaze. "It's been a long time since I've sat down and had a blueberry muffin." Rolling your eyes with a smile, you both walk inside.
"Go ahead and find a place to sit, I'll get us something to eat." You look at him with a sarcastic smile. "You're treating both of us to blueberry muffins?" He smiles. "Technically, Dan is treating us." He pulls out a ten dollar bill from his pocket and walks in line as you find a seat by the window. After a few minutes, he sits in the chair across from you and hands you a muffin. You take small bites from it like a mouse while he scarfs his down.
"So, you still never told me why you were at my house at 8:30 in the morning." He looks up at you with a mouth full of muffin, and holds up an index finger while he finishes eating.
"I assumed you'd want to play 21 questions with me about everything, so I figured we might as well sit down somewhere and talk about it." He picks up whats left of his food and admires it before finishing it. "Plus, I really wanted a muffin."
You raise a mischevious eyebrow at him and grin. "So, you wanted to take me out on a date is what I'm hearing?" As soon as the words leave your mouth, he nearly coughs on his food. "What? No! Nothing like that-"
"Noah, I'm kidding."
He eases up and sits back in his chair. "Oh, good." He looks out the window, his cheeks a shade pinker. You both sit in silence for a minute and he clears his throat. "So um, what do you want to know?" You gaze out the window, so many questions racing through your mind, deciding what to ask first.
"How much do you remember? From being like that?" He huffs and looks at you, "all of it." He looks out the window, watching as people walk by. "I remember floating through the woods night after night, day after day, just feeling lost. Like I had no idea who I was. I remember being alone for so long, just thinking to myself how much I deserved it." You look at him, pained as you take in his words, and then he looks at you, his eyes lighting up a little bit. "And I remember the day someone I thought hated me came barging right into those ruins calling my name like she had no fear." He smiles at you and you smile back.
"Well, I wouldn't say she hated you. But she did have a little fear running up in there." You go to take another bite of your muffin and you can still feel his eyes on you. You look back up at him to see his smile has faded. "What?"
"...Why?" He asks. You tilt your head at him. "Why what?"
"Why did you come for me that day? At all? After what I did?" He swallows hard, and you can see the guilt across his face.
"I had a dream. That you were at the ruins, begging me to come help you. You told me I could save you." He looks at you, confused. "So, a dream made you go out there, where I could have killed you for all you knew?" You shrug your shoulders at him. "I knew the risks I was taking."
He looks at you as if struck. "You were really willing to do that? Even after I-" You cut him off before he has time to finish. "It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do that night Noah. You didnt deserve what happened to you. I promised you before I wasn't going to pull away again, and I'm sorry it took me two years to keep that promise."
A small smile spreads across his face, and you smile back. After smiling at each other for what feels like too long, he clears his throat. "So um, we should probably get to the hardware store and see what Connor and Joss picked up."
"Oh, right, of course." You wipe your mouths with a napkin and toss out your trash before heading out. But as you're heading out the door, you get a weird feeling in your gut.
You look around the cafe and see everyone is paying no mind to you, yet you can't help but feel like someone- or something- is nearby, watching you.
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I know when you go down you darkest roads
I know when you go down all your darkest roads
Chapter 4 — Personal pillow — Dean POV
Dean and Castiel go undercover as a couple going through couple therapy, in order to catch a monster that specifically targets couples dealing with issues, feeding on their distress, anger, and pain.
~ 3.2K
I'm posting earlier than I'm supposed to, mainly because I'm going back to work on Monday and I'm not sure I'm actually gonna be able to update during the day. From here on, chapters will be dropping around Sundays/Mondays depending on my work schedule :)
Next chapter is going to be a bit different since I'm gonna dive into the "Cas side of it all", and I'm really excited for you guys to dive into it!
Also, if you liked the little texts I experimented with during this chapter, just know that they'll be back :)
Okay, MOVING ON. Have a great read, y'all!
— I know the SPNStayAtHome Challenge is over, but thanks to @bend-me-shape-me ; @helianthus21 & @pray4jensen for hosting and getting this story into motion! —
READ ON AO3
(Rebloggable chapter on Tumblr : Part I / Part II / Part III)
Dean’s mind is overwhelmed by approximately a hundred a twenty-five different things — the most prominent being if I had just stayed back there with Cas instead of running to drink my fears away, Stan and Sally would still be here, how surprising that someone has to die for your mistakes again, Winchester — when Mrs. Pritchard catches his arm.
“Dean, I think you should go back to your room and break the news to your husband. I’m almost sure he’s the last person who talked to Stan and Sally, so I’m guessing the cops will come for you both at some point” she says, wiping her face with a tissue.
Dean nods in agreement, suddenly realizing that Castiel isn’t there amongst the group of people standing around in the hallway. Which means he doesn’t know yet.
Great. As if this night could get any worse at this point.
“Okay. Let me get you back to your office first, you look like you’re about to pass out” he says, extending his arms, guiding her out through the hallway.
It takes them a couple of minutes to get there and once Dean is certain the therapist isn’t going to faint, he leaves and makes his way to his bedroom while avoiding the rest of the residents — everyone seems to be out there, except for Cas.
He pushes the bedroom door open, suddenly fearing that Castiel might have left (after all, he wouldn’t blame him at this point), but the angel is right there lying in bed, reading god knows what book he’s managed to get his hands on. And he’s wearing those damn navy pants with Dean’s shirt just like the night before. It’s like a punch in the guts every time Dean just looks at him.
The hunter sighs loudly, somewhat relieved to find him here. The angel cocks an eyebrow at him, tilting his head on the side like he always does.
“You okay?” He asks as Dean drops on the bed, face meeting the pillows in seconds, “I thought you might have left” he adds, and the way his voice breaks at the end make Dean feel even worse.
“I’d never leave you, Cas” he says, raising his face up to watch the angel, “I thought we were passed that?”
“I don’t know, you seemed so angry at me.”
Dean raises on his elbow, watching as Cas lowers his book — “The Song of Achilles” by Madeline Miller, the hunter reads on the cover — his eyes locking-in with the angel’s.
“I wasn’t angry at you, Cas. I was angry at me.”
“Why?” He tilts his head again, and Dean’s heart sink.
“I…” he starts, wondering how he could translate everything into words, then deciding not to, “It doesn’t matter. Something happened, Cas. Stan and Sally…”
Dean doesn’t finish his sentence, letting the rest of it hang in the air until Castiel’s face gets paler as he understands.
“Oh, no… What happened? When?” He asks, tossing his book to the bedside table.
“I don’t know, I was outside talking with Mrs. Pritchard in front of the building and we saw the cops and an ambulance come in so we rushed back inside, and… It was bad, Cas.”
“Did you gather any intel? I thought the Algea only went after couples who had troubles, but Stan and Sally seemed to be the only couple who didn’t have any major problems if you put all their bickering aside.”
“Yeah, and they were killed having.. well, uh. Kinky sex. Which doesn’t fit the M.O. Not the kinky part, just the sex part.”
Cas tilts his head again, this time with a wondering look on his face.
“Kinky?” He asks, looking at Dean without blinking an eye.
Dean can barely contain a massive eye-roll, making Cas’s frown grow even bigger.
“Kinky as in ‘naughty’. Weird, deviant if you will” Dean finally explains.
“How does one have deviant sex?” Cas seriously wonders, and it takes everything in Dean not to burst out laughing. “Maybe we should call Sam in.”
“What, to ask him what he knows about kinky sex?”
This time, Cas rolls his eyes so hard Dean’s slightly afraid the whole world is going to shake, and he can’t suppress his loud laughter at the sight. Castiel returns his wide grin and Dean instantly feels lighter.
He still won’t want you, not today, and not in a million years, Winchester.
“You’re an idiot. I meant we should call him in, tell him what happened and see if there’s anything in the lore about creatures who go after both struggling couples and happy couples having deviant sex” he adds, watching as Dean buries his head back in the pillow with a loud groan.
“I don’t want to call him in, he’s out with Eileen somewhere on the West Coast and quite frankly, he deserves a break.”
“Well quite frankly, so did we. Yet here we are.”
“Aww, Cas. I thought this was our vacation?”
“You’re an idiot.”
“You’ve said that already.”
“I can say it once more if you want me to.”
“You’re too fucking playful at this time of night, dude.”
“No, I’m not, I'm being realistic.”
Dean smiles into the soft tissue of the bedcover, realizing they got back to their easy banter as if nothing happened. He finally rolls on his side, locking eyes with his partner.
“Do you want to hit the lore?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.
“I’d rather go to bed. We don’t have anything before therapy tomorrow at 11, that leaves us enough time to research before” he finishes before yawning hard.
“Okay Rip Van Winkle, let’s get you to bed, alright?” Dean says, getting up on his two feet and grabbing his nightclothes — his old Zeppelin ’73 tour that he’s owned for at least 3 decades, and a pair of black sweatpants matching Cas’s.
“Technically, I’m already in bed…” Cas adds
Dean is very pleased to realize Cas is still watching him while he strips from his day to nightclothes in front of him, completely unbothered. He’s about to ask if he likes what he sees — damn it’s hot seeing Castiel looking at every inch of his skin like this — when the voice in his head slams his thoughts away with a distinctive “you’ll fuck him up too, so just back away and don’t”.
“Okay, FYI, if we’re sleeping together every night until we get through this case, I’m using you as my personal pillow,” Dean says with a sigh as he drops on the bed, “D’you mind?”
He slips under the covers, almost praying for Cas to say something along the lines of “Yes, please fucking use me”, or more realistically something resembling a simple “yes”. But suddenly Castiel is right there inside his personal space, his scent everywhere around Dean as he pushes him back into the mattress and presses his whole body against him.
“I don’t mind, but I’d rather have you as my personal pillow than the other way around,” he says, dropping his head in the crook of the hunter’s neck just like the night before, “do you mind?”
Ah, that playful tone again. Dean could almost sigh in content at the feeling of deep satisfaction the whole thing gives him.
“I don’t mind, babe,” he says, brushing a light kiss on Castiel’s forehead as his arm gently closes around his waist, bringing him even closer.
He told you not to call him babe, why are you even trying?
Castiel pulls even closer, his nose brushing against Dean’s skin on his throat while the hunter extends an arm, turning off the lights.
“You know, at some point, we’re gonna have to talk about the fact that you’re sleeping a lot more lately, or how you need coffee in the morning and meals more often” Dean adds, his arm coming back around the angel’s waist, settling in against his back.
Most of the time, Dean tries not to dwell on it too much. Whenever Castiel would be ready to assess this, he’ll be here waiting. But it was becoming an almost daily situation, with Cas falling asleep almost every night for a couple of weeks now, and the coffee situation started almost 2 months ago.
“Sure. Whenever you’re ready to talk about why you were so angry at yourself you chose to literally run away from me and this room instead of talking to me, we can talk about it” the Angel mutters against Dean’s neck, the warmth of his breath giving Dean goosebumps.
“Yeah, okay” he sighs, rolling his eyes in the darkness of the room, “you’ve made your point.”
I’ve been in love with you for more than a decade and I don’t think I can survive the look on your face when you ultimately reject me.
Kissing you, calling you “babe” and being your husband all day gives me a sense of happiness, but happiness is always a lie, it gets people killed.
I’m terrified of what I feel, and I’m terrified of losing you if you ever find out how I feel. That’s why I always run when it gets too complicated to keep it inside.
Because it doesn’t matter how it hurts to keep this to myself if I get to spend a few more moments by your side. That’s why I run. That’s why I keep running away from you.
But of course, this all stays inside.
“I’m serious, Dean. This is exactly what we talked about in therapy today —“
“Cas, it’s an undercover case, it’s not like we’re really going through therapy” Dean interrupts him, and immediately feels Castiel tense up against him.
“So what? Our issues are real, even if we’re not the lovely Cartellones. You’re always doing that” he almost growls, obviously fed up by Dean’s assessment.
“What?”
“Whenever you’re angry at something you always decide that it’s best to move away from the people who love you and brood in a corner by yourself without telling anyone what’s really bothering you. It’s infuriating, Dean.”
“It’s just the way I am.”
“Well, like I already said, just because you’re that way doesn’t mean you can’t change.”
“This is just my way of coping, Cas. I don’t know how to do that without storming away from everything.”
“Well, it hurts the people around you when you do it. It hurts Sam. It hurts Jack. And it hurts me, most of the time, even if I do understand why you do it.”
Dean’s heart crushes at the single thought of hurting Cas. He’s not oblivious to the fact that he hurt him before, and he still hates himself for it. But having Castiel lying tightly against him, his low voice resonating inside his throat where his lips are almost pressed up, saying to his face that he keeps on hurting him… That’s another level.
“I’m sorry. I never mean to hurt you” he says, his eyes closing on impact.
“I know you don’t. So change. Talk to me. To Sam. To Jack. Hell, to anyone. Stop pushing people away.”
“It’s easier said than done, Cas.”
“Just give it a try. For me.”
Dean swallows hard at the thought of actually telling Castiel why he ran away earlier, when the angel’s hand finds its way under Dean’s shirt and he starts stroking the skin of his back almost absently. If he wasn’t so self-conscious right now, the hunter is almost sure his starved-touch self would moan disgracefully at the single touch of Cas’s fingertips along his skin.
The hunter sighs in content instead, Castiel’s head finding its rightful place and settling in the warmth of his neck. There’s newfound confidence and some drops of bravery left in Dean when he actually stretches his left arm out and cards his fingers gently inside Castiel’s hair.
When he groans in content, Dean could swear the shiver that goes through his entire body could light up Antarctica.
“We should do that more often,” Cas says, his voice drowsy like he’s minutes away from drifting off into sleep.
“What? Talking?”
“Cuddling. Sleeping together. Kissing.”
Wait.. what?
“You’d wanna do that… more often?” He asks warily, not wanting to jump to conclusion too fast here and get his heart smashed into pieces, “With me?”
“Who wouldn’t want that?”
“Hold on, let me pull up a quick list for you here: hum, everyone? I’m a lost cause, Cas. I’m not worth it.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, babe,” he says, placing a soft kiss on Dean’s jawline, his lips brushing against the light stubble of his cheek, “you deserve everything. All of it.”
Suddenly it’s like Dean can’t breathe anymore. It takes him almost a minute to recover, and by then the angel’s slow breathing indicates that he’s already fallen asleep, despite Dean’s heart thundering like crazy right there where he’s lying against him.
Dean’s hand is still inside Castiel’s hair, and he keeps on softly stroking it as he watches him sleep, the dull light of the moon illuminating the angel’s features in the dark.
It’s actually insane how beautiful he looks. The way the white soft light caresses the line of his jaw, the stubble that grew on his cheek looking even more magnificent by the minute.
“I love you” he murmurs into the dark, well aware of all the implications these three little words bring, and taking advantage of Cas being asleep to say them before drifting into sleep moments later, “I love you so much, for so long already. I just wish I wasn’t this person, that way I wouldn’t fuck you up. I can’t risk that. I can’t risk losing you.”
His arms tighten around the angel, and he drops a soft kiss against Cas’s hair. The last thing he remembers before giving up to sleep is thinking he could have so much more if he only stopped hating himself so much.
**
When Dean awakes the next morning, the sun is filling the room and the first thing he feels is cold.
He extends an arm already searching for Castiel but only meets cold sheets and an empty bed. He opens his eyes, groaning as the light attacks his iris, quickly assessing that the room is empty except for him.
There’s a pit in his stomach as he sits up and reaches for his phone, and he kinds of hate himself at the bitterness he can already feel inside his throat.
What if he left? What if he doesn’t remember what he said last night? What if he doesn’t want to talk about it because he figured out how fucked up it would be?
The screen lights up and tells him it’s 8 am already. There’s a text from Sam asking if they’re okay and how the case is going, a couple from Jack rambling about the superhero hole he dived into while they’re away, but nothing from Cas. Dean quickly texts him, hoping to have an answer that suppresses this uncomfortable feeling inside of him. And sure enough, his phone beeps half a minute later.
Dean sighs in relief, dropping back on the mattress. He lingers for a moment, his face pressed up against the pillows. Cas’s scent is everywhere, and no matter how hard he tells himself he’s such a cliché about this, it really does wonder on his mood.
Cas said he liked kissing him.
Cas said they should do it more often.
He’s still not sure he really believes it, but it still makes him giddy inside.
You’re not a schoolgirl, Winchester. That was probably just your head talking to yourself. No way Castiel could want that with you.
When Castiel finally appears 20 minutes later with a box of donuts in one hand and two cups of coffee in the other, sporting a brand new light blue shirt — I swear to God I will kill you for making me endure this, Sammy — Dean is buttoning his own very new emerald shirt while whistling to Led Zeppelin.
“You’re in a good mood,” Castiel says, putting down the box and one cup of coffee for Dean to drink on his bedside table.
“Do I detect a surprised tone in your voice?” Dean answers playfully, opening the donuts box like it’s going to disappear.
“Well, you’re usually pretty grumpy until you’ve gotten your first coffee.”
Dean rolls his eyes at him, shoving half a donut inside his mouth. Castiel is still watching him, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Dean can’t help but notice how good that new shade of blue suits him, and he mentally smacks himself for it.
“So, did you find out anything useful?”
“Sort of. I still think we’re hunting an Algea, but I found out that they like to kill couples while they’re having sex. Something about the taste being sweeter, according to the books I’ve found.”
“Fucking great” Dean mutters, finishing his coffee, “So they just kill them while they’re getting some sweet time just because they taste better if they do? Silver still kills it though, nothing wrong in your book about that?”
Cas nods, watching as Dean comes closer. He reaches for his collar with a smile, unbuttoning the shirt further down a little. The angel looks at him with a frown on his face.
“What’s wrong with my shirt?”
“Nothing, I just think you look better when it’s unbuttoned a bit more, just like that.”
Pleased with his work, Dean uses the last drops of bravery he has left and reaches for Cas’s cheek, his thumb brushing over the angel’s cheekbone with a light touch.
And immediately senses Castiel tense up, as he crosses his arms across his chest while averting Dean’s gaze.
Well, if Dean had been looking for any kind of answer, he’d guess that would be it.
What the fuck did you expect, Winchester? I’ve been telling you for two days, and over a decade: he doesn’t want you. Isn’t that enough for you to finally believe me?
He removes his hand as quickly as if he’d been burned, and immediately back off, dropping on the edge of the bed to supposedly puts his boots on — it’s a very practical position to avoid looking at Cas and right now, looking at Cas to see the colors of rejection and disgust painted on his face is pretty much the last thing he wants to do.
“I’ll just… Meet me in the common room when you’re ready, alright?”
Castiel’s voice dropped a tone, like it does when he’s uncomfortable or doubtful. When Dean raises his head to watch him leave, he gets a glimpse at the sadness in the angel’s eyes right before the bedroom door slams shut and he’s left alone.
The emptiness he feels growing inside himself is perhaps even worse than the rising pain.
#jus writes#jus writes: i know when you go down all your darkest roads#I'm sorry? I guess?#USE :) YOUR :) GODDAMN :) WORDS :) YOU :) BLOODY :) IDIOTS#Destiel#destiel fic#deancas#deancas fic#writer of destiel#spncreatorsdaily#Castiel/Dean Winchester#undercover destiel#undercover as married#idiots in love#friends to lovers#sharing a bed#angst with a happy ending#angst and feels#fluff and angst#ao3#Hurt/Comfort#oblivious!dean
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Hello all! I would like to take the time to say; Thank you to: (Unfortunately I can't tag them! But they are known as shockwavefan and as well Soundwave - I'm not sure if I do have them on Tumbler or not!) @artsy-archangel @zen-drift! Y'all are amazing!
Now, I tried to clean it as best to my abilities in the form of RP format.
I did realize that for the cover is not quite accurate. But that's okay! (There were few mistakes in the last post; Shockwave was the one who killed Megatron, not Optimus Prime)
I'll be posting these as Chapters and Parts. Anywho I'm sure some of y'all been waiting for the next post- so.. here!
Oh boy, this starting to look quite interesting!
Chapter:1- All Hail Shockwave
(Part:1-2)
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Shockwave saw that his people were cheering, he looked at his experiment, no one could read Shockwaves mind. Not even those who have worked closely with him for years know. He walked down the steps, his metallic feet hitting the ground with each step.
After a few hours since he had left the stage, he was underground. Shockwave was once again his old self, the senator long ago was gone; the leader they know now is fake. He became leader as a way to have access to more tools. On the table lied a Cybertronian, a Decepticon, he screamed in agony but they never reached their destination. After enough energon had leaked the victim stopped screaming. Behind Shockwave were multiple dripping bodies of Decepticons hanging upside down. Shockwave, the terror which spread through the Autobot army was back, only he wasn't affiliated with anyone but logic.
--------
Today wasn't the best of all days as a sudden riot began however this wasn't the first that has happened. Prowl has come to an assumption that someone is starting the mods on purpose therefore he's been sending in the authorites to investigate. Later, situations got worse when Decepticons came Archangel's office reporting missing friends that haven't returned to their homes for awhile. He assured them he'll handle the investigation and they left in high hopes they'll have their friends back.
Archangel sighed as he laid back againts his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose as he closed his optics. Everything seemed to be getting worse however some events were to be expected but not missing bots.
A knock on his door interrupted Archangel's thoughts. "Come in." He responded as he fixed his serious composer.
Prowl entered with a datapad in his servo. "My team has discovered the culprit behind the sudden riots." Prowl told him. "Ratbat has been planning a scheme however its unknown what his intentions are."
"Ratbat was a Decepticon..."
"Of course you would know that given your past. Was isn't the right word for it: he " is" a Decepticon. He's proven to still be loyal to the dead cause." Prowl interrupted him and handed Archangel the datapad. "While I deal with Ratbat, I need you to inform Shockwave about the energon supplies. We've been getting reports of cannibalism in the streets and the percentage of casualties is high."
Archangel straighten and his servo tightened against the datapad in reaction to what Prowl wanted him to do. Was he testing him again?
"I'll... Be sure he's aware of the problems." He said in a serious tone, hiding his sudden dread.
"Good. Send me a report when you are finish." Prowl said as he left.
Archangel slumped in his seat more and groaned from stress. "Primus give me strength." He whispered.
Through that whole conversation, Prowl didn't give Archangel a moment to speak. Yes he knew how much the mech disliked him but this was peculiar. Also asking him to deal with Shockwave was definitely really low since Prowl was aware of his past. He was planning something and Archangel wasn't sure he wanted to play his game.
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Drift gazed at the datapad in his servo, optics ridges scrunched together in a frown as the latest census showed that instead of an increase in their clients in the housing, some area were showing a drop in numbers. Odd. He placed that datapad aside and pulled up the records for the previous counts. The decrease was there but very marginal. Enough to be explained away by miscount or simply some bots just up and leaving their designated housing, moving in with others or goodness knows what else. He had had to deal with a fair number of strange reasons that bots just didn't stay put. But this was beginning to look like a pattern or maybe his war-wired brain module was trying to put a more sinister twist to what could just be perfectly normal situation. Yet his tanks gave that curious twist that he always trust and he simple knew that something was up.
But who could he turn to? He could try his Senior Officer but he also didn't want to come across as being paranoid. Primus knew his religious habits already earned his strange looks despite most bots being really good natured about it, some even being interested. his old friends were...dispersed. At one time he felt he could trust Ratchet above all, but the mech had thrown in his lot and time with Shockwave now. And it made sense, The CMO was always aligned with a leader.
Drift rubbed his helf crest and stared at the numbers again. He didn't know anything beyond them and a tank feeling. It wasn't enough to go on. He needed to start doing some ground work. Subtly of course, since he didn't need to start a panic. He was no Jazz but he was a fairly decent interrogator. Maybe he could start with the Police Reports. See if there were any notices for missing bots and if those names matched the ones in his register.
He vented out and picked up the datapad again. He had really hoped things would be different this time around but it seemed that it wasn't going to happy crystals. A mech poked his head in. "Drift, we got another riot happening, this time a bit closer to the recent bot settlement. Some of them are demanding relocation. Boss wants you on it!" Drift nodded, out of his chair even before the mech finished speaking. "I got it," he said, shiting to bot mode and heading to the scene of the now dispersed riot. A tall blue Seeker frame caught his optic as he arrived. "Archangel?" he mouthed to himself but the Seeker was swallowed up by the crowd work and his duties and Drift had his own to attend to. He made a mental note to check and see if that was indeed the Seeker he knew. The frightened group of mech and femmes huddled together as he approached.
"Hello, my name is Drift. Im from the Immigration Center. I'm here to attend to your issues," he began giving them a smile. "We need to get away from this!" a femme blurted out in a high pitch whine of her vocalizer, "We didn't come back to be in more war!" Drift shifted to modulate his vocalizer to soothing but firm tone. "I understand that and unfortunately I cannot relocate you to another sector. However, lets go inside and I can let you know how to make this place a bit safer for all of you. The Police as you see also got this under control. Trust us to do our jobs. We will make this better." The group huffed but led the way into their housing, Drift following behind them, hoping he was right.
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The war was over. Cyberton was in an odd state. Shockwave was leader, the Decepticons and Autobots were scattered. You could even say they were shattered factions. (Roll credits.) The two factions in the war now needed to find a way to co-exist somehow. Putting that dreadful war behind would not be easy. The Decepticons' leader, Megatron, had unfortunately ceased functioning. Killed by that traitor, Shockwave. Soundwave would rip out that traitor's spark if he had the chance. But the Decepticons were not fully lost. They were nowhere near their previous power, however. They had much fewer numbers, not as strong a fighting force, and they had a leader who could not even hope to amount to what Megatron did.
Soundwave was only there because he had nowhere else to go. He would almost certainly be executed for the things he had done during the war. So he stayed with the army that the previous Second In Command of the faction had gathered. Starscream. It would certainly take getting used to. Starscream is not the leader Megatron was. But perhaps that could change with time. Soundwave would have to stick around to see that happen, and stick around he would.
----------
He was fuming, any bot that was an inch from him got shoved out of the way, and others, well they got thrown. It was very typical of Starscream when he threw a tantrum, to flick pain on others.
Being treated like the under dog for so long, he had picked up habits, and mold them.
But, this time was different- his attacks were more brutal then the normal. Starscream wasn't sure who gave the cadet the go to scout energon, with out a group. Something was off, Starscream couldn't put a digit on what.
Turning on the communication, the channel had been switched to private- just in case any was listening in. Had pinged in Soundwave, :'Find out who on Primus gave authority for a one bot solo mission, on finding energon!' Starscream said, almost half shouting, leaving his comm open for Soundwave response.
Takeing a sharp left turn, the Seeker stomped with each step. Dearing anyone to stop him, behind him was the sound of petter patter steps from small peds that came from none other then Rattrap, "Sir! Please slow down!" Stopping in his tracks, Starscream spun around, his servos now propped onto his his. "Did you already taken care of that mess?" The new Warlord said, in a demanding tone, rushing the mechanic vermin.
"Yes, Mord! I did what you've asked of me-" without giving him any further ado, Starscream turned back around and started to walk again in big strides. However it didn't seem like Rattrap was finished, "I need to talk to you! About Cybertron-" with this Starscream stopped in his tracks.
"Speak, and make it fast." The once Second in command command, not giving any room for small chit chat. "Well, uh. There's been reports- about disappearing bots back on home." Rattrap paused, in order for Starscream to react. "Witch fractions?"
"If my calculation and resources are correct- both." Rattrap held a datapad in his servos, clutching onto it as if it was his life line.
"Is that so, Then tell me, whose your resources, and how did you found about this?" Rattrap began to shift his pedes looking nervous. "The mech you killled-"
"Finish your report, then once your done leave the data in my quarters. Once done, bring up the dead bots profile- see what's all on his background history!" Starscream shouted, by now- he was more mad at himself to act upon reckless thoughts and actions, which made his mood even more sour.
Rattrap better prayed to the all spark, that this was just some miscalculation- rumors no less. If not- Starscream had more on his servos then that a war he was sure he was going to lose.
---------------
Drip, drip, drip. That was all that could be heard in the lab, Shockwave was collecting it; it's unknown for what reason but it seemed important. To the side was a whole diagram of the standard Cybertronian anatomy, there were beakers everywhere. To his right was a list of Decepticons and their pictures, most were all crossed out except three, Soundwave, Starscream, and Archangel. His experiment betrayed him, now was the perfect time to strike. At the bottom of the list was Megatron, his first victim, this was all part of the plan to save Cybertron. After a few hours had passed underneath the lab, he walked out into the barren wasteland which was Kaon.
|The Office|
Shockwave made sure he didn't have any energon on him, he didn't want to arouse suspicion to his actions. He landed, waving to his secretary, his fake persona was just to be clear. He walked up to his office, he sat down in his chair. Moments after, his secretary called. "Mr. Shockwave, you have a visitor from the Police Department, someone called Archangel." Shockwave was surprised, why would he want to see him? "Bring him up, we'll have a talk."
----------
Archangel was waiting in the lobby as the secretary contacted Shockwave of his arrival. He scowled as he wished the bot would call him by his rank as he introduced himself before but it seemed to have slipped their processor.
"He's waiting for you now, Archangel. He's at the top floor." She told him.
Archangel bowed his helm respectfully as he hid his sudden dread. "Thank you." He said before he walked past the counter and entered the lift. He pressed the top floor option on the lift's console and the hatch slid shut in response and began to ascend.
Archangel's servos clenched tightly as he grew tense and tried the venting technique Rung taught him to calm him down, however his emotions were overwhelming which deterred his efforts to relax. Despite his failure, he hid how he felt rather well as he remained stern as soon as the lift came to a stop. The hatch opened into Shockwave's office. The large purple mech was sitting at his desk and seeing him again made Archangel feel sick in his fuel tank.
"Commander Archangel of Iacon's Police Department. I have dire reports that acquire your attention." He said seriously as he placed the datapad on his desk. "We've been having multiple cases involving cannibalism in the streets due to lack of energon supplies. The public wants actions regarding the issues before they manifest into more riots."
#starscream#drift#soundwave#shockwave#megatron#rattrap#prowl#bumblebee#laserbeak#optimus prime#Transformers: Shattered Fractions#idw transformers#transformers#roleplay#transformers roleplay
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I've seen a lot of fic rec lists lately given everything happening. Do you have any recommendations to get us through the lock down? p.s. I love everything you write.
omg thanks anon!!
I know these are scary times so have here a quick and dirty list of my fave fics starting with Staubrey and then just... veering offcourse. They’re all femslash except the one I marked with an asterisk but yeah.
as always, I’m not gonna rec my own fics on my this list bc that’s cheating but if you wanna read them pls click this link and that ends the self promo for today lmao
recs under the cut!
Stacie x Aubrey
Snowbound
by ACamp_toner / @stepintotherevolve (22.171, complete, rated E)
summary: The Bellas go on a ski trip and Staubrey happens
notes: this has amazing smut and features just enough jealousy to spark these two idiots into a meaningful talk. there’s also side bechloe and a healthy dose of humour.
The Howl
by @tiny-maus-boots (30.739, wip/currently being written, AU)
summary: Stacie's pack is forcing her into a corner but Fate has other plans for her - if she doesn't die first.
notes: werewolf!Stacie and vampire!Aubrey who meet on a full moon and fuck. there’s more to it and a great backstory that’s being wonderfully developed (trust me, I’ve been told of the plans and I’m ri-ve-ted). also has some amazing soft moments and a fab spark of heat.
Prelude in Lydian Mode
by knappster / @ss-staubrey (5972, complete)
summary: Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always.
notes: I will rec this fic til the day I die. It’s such a lovely brand of staubrey and a perfect example of the idiots to lovers trope.
and the songbirds are singing (like they know the score)
by angelranger (2326, complete)
summary: It came as a slight surprise to Stacie that Aubrey, the same Aubrey who had grown up in a strict and dysfunctional household, was just so good with her daughter.
Bella seemed to unearth a side of Aubrey that was just so unbelievably soft, a side Stacie is almost positive even Aubrey didn’t know existed. But there she is, sat on the carpeted floor in front of the coffee table, sat right next to Bella, drawing outlines for the four year old to colour in.
notes: oh god i love a good, soft bella fic and this one hits all the right notes. it’s sweet and lovely and features singing Bella to sleep which is like. my weakness. go leave some more love on this deserved fic!
Sansa x Margaery
The Crackpots and These Women
by Netgirl_y2k (8089, complete, WEST WING AU)
summary: "You're in charge of press relations," Yara told Margaery, gesturing to Sansa. "Relate.”
summary: yeah you read that fuckin right that’s a West Wing AU. My love for this mashup has no bounds. It’s so perfectly coy, the way I imagine adult Sansa and Margaery would be, combined with the hopeful tinge of WW, and the pining of a somewhat open ended yet hopeful finish. If you like either of these universes, read this.
Kind Regards
by MsCFH / @hell-much (9835, complete, explicit, part of a series!)
summary: Margaery Tyrell is determined on setting foot in the Northern market of Westeros by establishing a collaboration between the Tyrell Corporation and Stark Incorporated.
The only problem? The likewise gorgeous and stubborn Deputy Managing Director Sansa Stark.
summary: holy hell this fic is amazing. they hate each other SO MUCH. the author has a vibe setting skill that makes me want to weep. the smut is off the charts hot like there are literally no words. go read it and then read the series bc it’s *that good*. please go get your church lady fan before reading because you WILL need it.
EXTRA NOTE: same author is writing a post-s6 canon compliant fic where Marg is actually still alive and if you’re looking for a full weekend activity, go ahead and binge this one (it’s a wip but is still being updated)
lay all your love on me
by 1once (9498, complete, show-compliant)
summary: It has been eight years since her demise.
But for the world of her, she cannot figure out why. For what? Why was she alive?
notes: i will say just one thing: flower. magic. okay, i’ll say more things. this fic is the redemption show!marg deserved combined with the fun supernatural magicky aspect of flower magic that’s just so in character. reading this fic feels the way a warm cup of tea in your hands on a cold winter’s day does.
til you come back home
by heart_nouveau (7978, complete, AU - modern setting)
summary: “Using one-night stands to distract myself from my crush on my roommate counts, right?”
-
Margaery Tyrell is an ambitious law student who needs a perfect grade point average if she wants to stay at the top of her class - and she is not going to throw that away by falling for her very attractive, very sweet roommate, one Sansa Stark.
notes: margaery is a moron with feelings aka my favourite type of character.
Birds of Prey’s Dinah x Helena
Siren Call
by ThanksForListening (3300, complete, part 2 of a series)
summary: "It always happened in the quiet moments. The early hours of the morning, when the leftover energy from a mission hadn’t quite disappeared yet. The sleepless nights, when memories clawed their way into her mind and wouldn’t let go until her screams released them. The lazy afternoons, when the radio played softly and melodies she’d almost forgotten danced around her lips. It was only when the world went still that Dinah felt her watching.
She didn’t remember the first time she noticed it. The staring. Maybe it was because Helena was always watching everything and everyone around them that Dinah didn’t realize how frequently that attention fell on her. How it felt different. Helena looked at the world with suspicion and anger and indifference, but not her. She looked at her with something much softer, something she hadn’t found a name for just yet. No word in her arsenal was deep enough or strong enough to describe it.
Whatever it was, she could feel it now.”
notes: gahhhhh this fic. “What do you see,” she finally asked, “when you look at me?” is a line that I’m gonna think about until the day I die. this is the second fic in a series and you can read it as a standalone but the first fic is also fuckin amazing
after the afterparty
by novoaa1 (1181, complete, set right after the movie ends)
summary: The Canary had let loose a delighted snort at that, as if she found the whole thing somehow laughable.
(Which it wasn’t, to be clear—laughable, that is.)
“Are y'all seeing this shit?” she’d turned to ask the rest of them, earning a giddy squeal from Harley and a bemused scoff from Montoya even whilst Helena remained stock still in place, dutifully blinding herself with one hand. “Absolutely adorable.”
“Shut up,” Helena had hissed back more out of instinct than anything else, though her tone was markedly devoid of any real anger.
(And if Helena had felt her cheeks flush ever so slightly beneath her palm at the Canary’s glib assertion, she certainly didn’t let on.)
Or: Sionis falls. The rest of them remain.
notes: just. read it.
knew your love (before i kissed you)
by z0ejake / @zxyjxy (58.263, wip / currently being written, rated E for the last chapter)
summary: Surviving the massacre of your entire family at the age of eight is a pretty impressive feat. Training for fifteen years in Sicily until you can kill a man with one hand and a hairpin is also a pretty impressive feat. Returning to the city where your family was cut down and killing every single person involved in their deaths is maybe the most impressive feat. Somehow, it's never been enough for Helena.
notes: bro this fic is a masterpiece and zoe is a genius. features absolute moron feral dumb jock helena and my favourite version of dinah: patient and endeared and a little teasing.
the war is over (and we are beginning)
by ace_verity (12.573, 5/5, complete)
summary: The thing is, Helena has no idea what comes after.
The past fifteen years, she’s had a singular goal. She's never given any thought to what she’d do once she killed the men who murdered her family in front of her.
Maybe, Helena realizes, she never actually thought she’d make it this far.
—
In which Helena Bertinelli joins a team, buys a cactus, beats up criminals, goes to church, bakes bread, and falls in love.
(Not necessarily in that order.)
notes: this fic is beautiful and perfectly explores a lost Helena. I also love the way Renee is written in this and the whole vibe of the story is just *chefs kiss*
cheap shampoo
by OfElvesAndAliens (1609, complete)
summary: The thing is, Helena is a rigidly focused kind of gal, iron rage forged into skilled precision. Dinah has also noticed it in the little things, like the way she frowns a bit when she's doing something as trivial as writing, her penmanship always neat and firm. That same tiny furrow of her brow is showing up again while she's methodically whisking some eggs in a bowl.
Dinah finds it cute. Fucking sue her.
notes: oh god but i love a bedsharing fic and this one? feeding and post-mission and just winding down together??? ohhhh my god
two extra random goodies just for fun:
Lamplighter
by the_years_between_us (116.915, wip, rated E)
show/ship: The Fall, Stella Gibson/Reed Smith
summary: Stella gets a call from Reed directly following the final episode of The Fall S3.
notes: this is one of only a handful of wips that I’m keeping up with and reading constantly. It’s written like goddamn poetry and I love an older ship with more baggage, because the emotions here run so much higher with their shared history and the tentative steps they’re trying to take. Also, given the source material, this is almost cathartic to read.
Nothing to Lose*
by tielan (8013, complete, rated E)
fandom/ship: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Maria Hill/Steve Rogers
summary: “It’s one of the traditional rituals of manhood,” Natasha observes as they’re sparring. “Kill a man, fuck a woman.”
notes: listen. i know. okay? i know this seems like a crackship. but I love it SO MUCH and this author writes so well that I’ve been fully converted. ~something some of you have told me I do for you~ so go read this fic, and then read the others, and then fall in love and join me in this lonely ship. You won’t regret it.
I’ll be writing while in isolation so if you have any Dinah/Helena or Stacie/Aubrey prompts, shoot ‘em my way!
and also hit me up for anything, as always.
peace and love, and stay safe everybody!
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My Miscarriage Journey
Today: Tuesday, October 1st
On October 1st, 2019 our journey of parenthood was put on an indefinite pause. What started as a routine check-up for the day became our worst nightmare. The second you find out you're pregnant is the most exciting and terrifying moment. You immediately change everything you are doing to ensure your baby is healthy. For me, unfortunately, our baby was not going to be. When I met my midwives that morning I went in for a Doppler check. My midwife was going to look around to find our baby's heartbeat. We couldn't find it the week before. She told me before she had even started last week not to worry if that happened since the baby could be behind my pubic bone or could still just be too small. When we didn't hear it we scheduled a recheck for next week once the baby grew a little more and I kept my bladder full for the check so that my uterus would hopefully be in a better position to finally meet our baby. Three midwives tried with no success. They told me a number of things could be happening, maybe I'm not as far along as we all thought, maybe my uterus wasn't shaped the way it was supposed and baby is just in a different spot, or maybe I was experiencing what is called a missed miscarriage. I left their center and headed to get an ultrasound. Jacob was at work for the day because we thought I was going to be having an easy check-up and I would be leaving with a video for him so he could meet our baby. When I got to the radiology center and saw what was happening I immediately knew this wasn't good. I spent a long year as a vet tech and have seen lots of ultrasounds. I had lots of pregnant friends and knew what I should see. I have a biology degree and have studied a lot of reproduction. When the tech turned the screen my way I saw my uterus. And I saw where my baby should be and wasn't. She decided she wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound to be sure. If you know what this is then you know this is the last thing you want to be doing as your fighting back tears waiting for the inevitable. We found that although I was past 12 weeks, my baby stopped developing around week 7. My body still thought (and still thinks as I write this) that I was pregnant. I now have to walk around for who knows how many days still being pregnant and waiting to labor this child. Jake and I spent the day sobbing. Wondering what we could have done differently. I spent my time talking with God. Asking him if he had changed his mind about thinking if I was going to be a good mother. We told our family and friends and bosses that we would be missing for a while. That we were not going to be meeting our sweet baby in April. That our dream was ending for now. And that we wanted some time and space to process. Right now it's 6 am. I've fallen asleep for 2 hours. My mind can not shut off. I can't stop thinking about how this fight isn't over and I still have to “have” this baby. I can't stop thinking about the fact that we already announced because things were good. I was really sick for weeks so that must mean we have a healthy baby. My body still thinks I'm pregnant. I spent 4 hours last night having reflux and puking. But I still have not had a bit of spotting. We haven't taken a step toward “having” this baby. Part of me wonders if I just keep going along like I'm pregnant maybe God will perform a miracle. But most of me doesn't want to hold onto any hope because that would hurt more. It's crazy how quickly the best season of your life turns into the worst.
72 Hours Later: Friday, October 4th
Take day 3. It's been over 72 hours since we found out we lost this baby. I haven't made any progress in “having” this baby. I am angry. And I'm drinking and I'm almost entirely dependent upon my anxiety medication. My husband who never cries is crying a lot and I don't know how to help. I'm ready to have this child, bury this child, and begin to move on. This is the most challenging, devastating, and world-altering. I have so many doubts? Will I ever be able to be a mother? I want to try now, as soon as possible, but Jake's pain is too much to get there now. Will I ever heal from this? Am I capable of going on?
6 Days Later: Monday, October 7th
Yesterday I called my midwife sobbing. I just can't wait for my body to do this anymore. I can't keep walking around like everything is fine with my lifeless angel inside me. Help. I'll get the pill on Tuesday. I'm reading the same scriptures over and over and over. Jake finished a 1000 piece puzzle in 8 hours and didn't sleep last night. I hid in the office at work all day because I can't afford to not be there. Worship music non-stop. Jesus as much as possible. And literal devastation. How can you miss something that's still inside you? We decided to name our baby even though we don't know what it is. Our baby deserves a name. Emerson, it means brave and powerful (I just keep referring to her as Emmie because I had so many dreams about it being a girl). Exactly what our angel is. And exactly what we will have to be these next few months. I'm planning a tattoo of rosemary their purple blooms which signify love and remembrance and I've decided our baby is a honeybee. All my dreams and plans during this pregnancy have been around bees. When I looked up their meaning I found that they extract sweetness from life, and represent abundance, brightness, and personal power. Because of our sweet little baby bee our family will learn all of these things this season. And now, we wait to finally do this tomorrow; have this baby.
Tuesday, October 8th, 11:55 PM
Preparing for a long night ahead as I FINALLY started bleeding. As absolutely devastating as this moment is I'm so relieved to finally let this baby move through my body naturally and I'm it's timing. I was scheduled to pay another $300 tomorrow for another ultrasound for confirmation to get the medication. I am praying to God and have been asking him to let this be the way this happens. So now. At midnight Jacob and I are running to Walmart for freaking incontinence pads for old people. All because we decided we wanted to love each other a little tonight and I guess that's all baby needed. To know Jake and I still love each other. (He will literally hate me for that but guess what most happy marriages have sex lives, it's totally biblical y'all). Part of me feels terrible for celebrating right now and I know it won't feel like this as the pain and bleeding continue but right now, I'm proud of Jake and me for getting through this and so proud of our baby for trying as hard as it could in this short little life.
Wednesday, October 9th, 10:00 AM
Well, I barely bled at all so to the Dr. we go to get this process rolling for real. Last night I held my tummy and told my baby how proud I am of him or her. It fought so hard for this life. And it's fighting so hard to get to the other side of this life. I'm so ready for us all to be at rest and be ready to heal. Jacob and I are realizing how perfect God's timing is. Although we were pretty annoyed when we didn't get to go on our Labor Day cruise I can now see that God perfectly planned this time away for us. I'm believing it's going to be so healing. And it also helps give me perspective that God knows exactly what he's doing with this little babe. They were just too precious to be earthside. I find a lot of comfort knowing we have a personal angel caring for us from above.
Wednesday 5:30 PM
Here we go. Pain. Cramps. Aches. I'm tired already and it hasn't even begun.
Thursday, October 10th, 1:00 AM
3 pills in. I'm finally losing my mind. I just woke up Jake with my crying because I officially feel like I have lost at the game of life. I currently feel insufficient as a wife, a friend, an employee, and especially as a mom. I'm looking back on this year and honestly, it has been the most miserable and lonely year of my life. And this moment has been by far the hardest. There is no pain that can compare to watching pieces and clumps of cells that should have been your child fall out of you. And having to force your body to do it with pill after pill because after 7 weeks it still won't understand that it's not going to have this baby. I don't recognize myself or my life anymore. For the past 8 weeks we've known about this baby I finally felt purposed again. I was working toward a goal. A life that I saw so much fulfillment in. And all of a sudden it's just gone. Nothing can prepare you for these moments. I'm so deeply pressed for anyone who has ever and will ever do this and I'm trying to imagine how I will dig myself out of this. Here's what I know, one, I will not apologize for doing the things that are best for me and two, I will speak up about this experience as much as possible because this baby deserves a memory and this experience deserves to be de-stigmatized. My head is throbbing, my back is throbbing, the pain is so deep in my abdomen that I am nauseous yet nothing else is happening. I'm just exhausted. Physically, Spiritually, Emotionally. I'm fried.
Thursday: 8:30 AM
I was wondering why everyone kept saying you would know when it happened because I really didn't think I would know, but then it happened. Feeling dizzy, nauseous, and a little more empty. I love you little babe.
Friday, October 11th
Today we took what remained of our little and planted a tree. It’s the first thing I see every day when I walk in the door.
Sunday, October 13th - Sunday, October 20th
Time for “vacation” In the photos we took and posted are beautiful mountain ranges, conquered fears, crystal clear oceans, and lots of smiles. On the other side of those photos was a lot of time spent mourning and grieving. While I'm so thankful to have the opportunity to have moments like these it does not change how hard these past few days/weeks have been. I'm so proud of the steps Jacob and I took to enjoy this vacation as much as we could. I'm happy to say we have learned so much and are a stronger couple now than we were just weeks ago. But I would be lying if I uploaded all those smiles and didn't share the tears that were behind them each and every day. At the dinner table. On the beach. At the top of a mountain. There's no convenient time to suffer loss. While others might forget, Jacob and I will not. While others might feel it's time to move on, I'm not ready to. While others think we are supposed to smile, we have to cry. Don't mistake this for a pity party, but understand that miscarriage is excruciating on your mind, body, and soul. It's time we start being more honest with ourselves and others with the state of our hearts. I wanted to shed some light on our week. I wish I could say our vacation was all I hoped for and that I experienced so much healing during this time as I wished I was going to, but I didn't. I hope this encourages someone else today to know that it's ok to not be ok for a while and to be a little more honest with themselves and others about the state of their heart. I'm confident God has a plan for this as he works all together for good.
Monday, October 21st
I went back to work today and spent the night before sleeping a total of 2 hours and having panic attacks all night long. I spent my lunch break having one of the worst panic attacks I ever had, my breathing was so stifled I almost called 911 I was sure I was going to pass out. I walked away into the back office and cried for over an hour because someone asked me if I had kids… I’m feeling like it’s impossible to live in this world now. This whole process and loss hurts more now than it did when I found out or as I was living the miscarriage itself. I am literally dragging myself out of bed day to day as a necessity and 3 times my normal dose of meds still aren't doing the job. So I guess the whole gist of this whole story is… It’s ok to not be ok...
...I struggled with where to end this post because truly the end of this post isn’t the end of this process, but I hope this gives you insight into the brokenness of this process for so many women. I’m happy to answer any and all questions surrounding this devastating situation. Education is power, in all circumstances.
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Hello Stranger Part 3
At this point, I don't even feel like redoing the final authors notes. Thank y'all all. Edit: So, okay... I’m feeling better, so lemme say that I am trying out deadlines and discipline for ff WIPs. This one I planned as a three parter. So, hopefully you like the conclusion.
Hello Stranger Part 3
Henry had woke up on the couch with a start! He had been transported into the past while he slept, and was right at that moment where he let Charlotte walk out of his life. That day he didn't know he wouldn't see her for 10 years. Now that he did, every time she walked away was a nightmare. He checked his phone. He'd only gotten about 2 hours of sleep. But he still got up and headed straight to the florist shop.
Making floral arrangements gave him some peace of mind. The decision to open a real store occupy his time and set appointments for people had been one of his best ideas. Most people ordered online anyway. And it was nothing to hire a few people to just man the shop, for when he couldn't be there because of his real work as Captain Danger.
None of the staff knew of his lifestyle, nor did they have access to the Man Caves. Schwoz reprogrammed the elevator to be code activated, and they replaced a few of the damaged caves with other burrows that Henry needed. His gym, his spa, a man cave for Schwoz, one for Jasper, and Ray's retirement home… which was currently the active Man Cave, because he didn't have friends or plans but didn't want to work as Captain Man anymore.
Henry's biggest concern about Ray retiring was that he didn't want Ray to "Jason Todd" him. "If you want to relinquish Captain Man, I take up the mantle-hood for sure and for good. Schwoz works for the Man Cave, meaning me and you can't have the right or even the ability to take anything over from me." Ray had agreed to that, only because he assumed Henry would be lax about it.
Sometimes he would try to threaten Schwoz to get something his way, but Henry had given Schwoz the option to escape Ray's threats by grounding him in the Man Cave until he calmed down. The first time was a doozy. The fight that Ray and Henry had when he came to see if he'd cooled off was their biggest yet. At the end of the conversation, Henry clarified, "As long as I'm in charge of the Man Cave, you don't get to attack, threaten or violate Schwoz or Jasper. They work for me and it is a hostile work environment that I won't allow on my watch. If you can't deal with that, Schwoz will bring Halley back to babysit you, if need be." He had his tough dad voice that he sometimes had to use with his own dad and when Ray stormed to his retirement cave, he locked him out of the Man Cave for a while,just in case.
But, seeing Charlotte and recalling their argument, his words, and recollection of examples of her truth over the years… he had to make it right. He built her a bouquet and sent it to where the search engine told him her office was. The high point of his day,nope.. his decade, was seeing the reaction she posted and all of the replies.
Followers trying to guess who the mystery man was. All the heart eyes and jealous drooling. The compliments on the bouquet itself because he appreciated respect for his craftsmanship.
.
Taking things slow, Charlotte soon realized meant that Henry needed them to work at his pace. Not necessarily slow in general, but he seemed more at ease whenever he could make the first move. She could handle that. She didn't like to chase anyway, so that was preferred to her.
They were spending time together, going on dates, talking about themselves and their worlds, and not dwelling on the fight and forgiveness between them - just the future. They were helping Jasper with wedding plans, both silently thinking and wondering what their own might look like if that was ever an option. Charlotte absolutely lived for Jasper's engagement ring and whenever they went to help him pick out Don's wedding ring, she couldn't help but notice Henry looking at various other ones. So, just for laughs, she said, "Be sure to consider that it's either an ethically sourced diamond, if not just crystals, something that says she's sift and dainty, but also don't get it twisted, she's a god-damned boss."
Henry blushed and giggled, "I don't even know what that means but I'll repeat it for the vendor if I'm ever in the market. I'm more of a 4 c's, reputable jeweler with genuine care for the buyer… I feel like just like with food or with flowers, the gift of a ring has to have all of the steps outlined in love. Like… I agree with ethically sourcing, and raise you ethically selecting. The jeweler needs to help the fiance find the perfect ring for their spouse,to feel that energy in that little piece of jewelry. But also, the jewelry has to consent. She has to call you and let you know that she's willing to be that symbol for the rest of her existence…" He looked at a particular ring whenever he said that. Charlotte definitely peeped it. It was perfect. It was probably the most visible representation of her desire for a ring that she had ever seen.
Whenever Henry caught her staring at it with him, he noted the expression in her eyes. She blinked it away and smiled, saying, "Well, Henry Hart, you and some ring are going to make some person… to be honest, if anybody proposed to me having said some stuff like that, they'd better have the entire ceremony in their pocket because how do you not just marry them on the spot?" He laughed.
Jasper fussed from across the store, "I really am happy that you found love, and I'ma let you finish, but I'M the one trying to buy a ring right now!"
Both friends blushed and, and bumbled over their words, and got back to business. Henry gestured to the jeweler at the ring when Charlotte was devoting her visible attention to Jasper. He didn't know when or if he'd ever actually use it, but seeing that look in her eyes, he certainly couldn't just leave it behind… not that he was letting either of his friends see him take it today. There were so many conversations and milestones before… he could even fathom breaching that subject.
Months passed of something that he couldn't put into words. Charlotte gave him the space and speed he needed all of the time and didn't seem pressed about it. They were going to be each other's dates to the wedding, even though they were both actually in the wedding as part of Jasper's wedding party, and he was simply floating on air lately.
Three months into their relationship, he was finally ready to be sexual with her. He'd explained the first time that they got physically intimate that he "didn't really get around to gaining any experience." It took quick work for her not to facially respond to Henry admitting to her that he was not only a virgin but sort of a prude. "I just couldn't for a long time, then after a while, it was pretty embarrassing and I've never met anybody or gotten close to anybody that I could be vulnerable enough to admit this to. I hope you don't think I'm as much of a loser as I feel right now."
She collected him and strummed his face, "There's no reason for either of us to feel like you're a loser. So you haven't had sex yet. So what? There's plenty of people who haven't for various reasons and all of them are valid. The reasons and the people."
The months of kissing, cuddling, and watching Henry figure out what he liked and loved and wanted was really satisfying for her. She had forgotten what it was like to have longer journeys than a fling and sometimes forgotten how it felt to feel something for the person that she was physically connecting with. Besides that, by the time he was ready for her, she was working with a combination of 10 years of him longing, 28 years of him waiting, and the 15 years of hero physical training and working that had his body magnificent to her. Plus, she was super in love with him at that point. It was hands down the best she had ever had and as they grew, it just kept getting better.
For him, it was the fulfillment of everything that he had waited for. Charlotte was always careful not to make him feel upset or unsure. She didn't make him feel inadequate. She was clear and concise about what she could do for and to him, always making certain that he was comfortable and consenting. It was way more beautiful than he thought his first time would be. He expected her to look annoyed when he fumbled or chuckle uncontrollably when he asked what he felt like were stupid questions. She was the perfect partner though - equal portions companion and friend.
It was like he'd been living in a bubble. It was like he forgot that real life had a way of bursting bubbles. It was like he forgot that just because Ray wasn't around her, Ray didn't exist on the same plane. He had definitely forgotten that Ray had agreed to give Jasper away…
.
From the moment that he and Charlotte came into contact, Ray was pretty much at her neck. The thing about it was that they hadn’t seen each other in 10 years and the last time that he’d done this to him, she had told him about himself and didn’t take it back nor regret it a single moment. So, on this day, she certainly wasn’t going to have any of his shit.
“Ah, if it isn’t world renown problem solver Charlotte. Are you here to make sure nobody has any fun at Jasper’s wedding?”
Henry sighed threw his head back. Why hadn’t he considered that Charlotte and Ray would have bad blood.
“Oh, look - Ray Manbabychester. Riding fifty and still going on fifteen,” she commented right back. He fumed and she smiled and added, “Great to see you, Old Man.”
“I don’t look a day over 35,” he said, and while he did still look pretty good for his age, she couldn’t resist.
“Maybe not, but you don’t act a day over 5. Moving on to rehearsal, because we do want this to go on schedule, right Jasper?” Jasper fought off laughter as he nodded. For the rest of the rehearsal, Ray and Charlotte had it out. He’d try to get under her skin and she’d redirect him to what he could kiss. By the end of it, she announced to everyone, “Okay. People that we all claim to love are getting married on tomorrow. Hundreds of thousands of dollars, hundreds of hours, and immeasurable dedication has been given to this event. If I am the fun police, I’ll be that, because I’ll be damned, if anyone,” she looked directly at Ray, “jeopardizes Jasper’s special day.”
“Bridesmaid of Buzzkill, everyone!” Ray cheered.
“That doesn’t even make sense, you MASSIVE idiot!” she fussed, finally losing her cool. “I can’t believe that you’re still exactly the same as you always were...” Her voice was high pitched and screeching and she was honestly ready to sock him in the face, now thinking about the fact that he was pretty much the reason that she and Henry hadn’t spoken in as long as they hadn’t and she knew that even though Henry never said it that he probably spent that time bad mouthing her, just like he was currently doing. And now that she was thinking about it, she was a little bit mad that Henry hadn’t defended her today, not once and was getting ready to drag his ass for that too, as soon as she got him alone, but he injected himself into her fussing at Ray.
“Dude, you’ve been on her all day, and everybody is exhausted with it. Just stop.”
Ray scoffed. “Don’t. Don’t do that. Look, when I was an 18 year old kid, I let that stuff fly, but you know what she means to me and even if you don’t like her or don’t respect her, I’m not gonna just stand here while you bash her. It’s offensive to her, to me, and to Jasper, who we’re all here for… And you know… His spouse-to-be too…”
Ray folded his arms, “You’re siding with her after everything that she did to you?”
“Everything she…?” Henry clenched his fists and said to Jasper, “We’re gonna go, okay?” Jasper nodded. Ray moped as he stomped out of the building and Charlotte tried to keep steam from exploding from her ears. Henry gently pulled her aside, shook his head and said, “I am so sorry that I let that go on for so long. I promise, I was gonna get him together when he first jumped off, but you seemed like you had it and I didn’t think he was getting to you until that part. I would’ve protected you if I thought you needed it..”
She nodded, “I did have it at first. Then, he just kept taking jabs and I thought about all of the years that I put up with that kind of stuff from him. I thought about all of the realizations that I came to in my self discovery of how toxic and traumatic a lot of his verbal and emotional abuse was and the times that he literally almost killed me multiple times while I was a kid at a part time job. Then, I thought about everything that he’s done to you, and I just snapped. I know you love him. I know that I don’t fully understand your relationship. I just…"
"You're right. You were then and you are now. It took me awhile to realize it, that over the years as I was coming into myself, I saw examples and I know that you were spot on about a lot of it, even if I couldn't handle hearing it yet. I do love him and I always will, but I'm not letting those feelings get in between you and me ever again.I'm still working on me and I'm working on him. I'm working on us. I let my loyalty to Ray make us strangers, once. We were never supposed to be that. Look, I know that you don't believe in "the one" or forever, but whatever it is that you think about journeys, I think that you have to know that some of those don't end until you die. And that's what I want, with you. This journey until I'm done."
She leaned into him with a smile and said, "Henry Hart, that sounded suspiciously like a proposal."
"Well, it was definitely the set up to one. Certainly can't ask any time this weekend. Do you realize the level of Bridesgroomzilla that Jasper would unleash?"
"Oh, he would kill us."
"Precisely, and I'm not in any position to die, now that I've finally found my reason for living."
It would be an utter lie to suggest that he didn't frequently make her gush. This eas above and beyond that, though it was interrupted when Ray yelled from the door, "Henry, are we leaving or not???"
Henry groaned, forced a smile and said through his teeth, "He might wind up getting killed."
"Yeah, by Jasper if he keeps it up," she said and they parted ways. A couple of hugs and kisses later, that is. "Good luck getting Gramps settled."
He met up with Ray, scolding him while he pouted and Charlotte waved at them and watched them bicker from the window of the venue. Ray was a lot, but Henry said that he was working on him, on them,so maybe there was hope for him yet.
As for her hope, she was staring at him. He looked back, smiled and the world stopped for a while. Maybe she hadn't believed in soul mates because at the time, hers was a stranger and they were estranged. She didn't know that it could ever be this way. But, it was and her next journey just might be the longest. The stranger was gone now and her soul mate had entered the journey with her and he wanted that journey… for life.
The End.
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If you slip up...
Here’s my master list of how to take care of yourself after a b/p, stay strong my lovelies!
1. Physical Damage Control
Teeth -
It's usually a warning sign to have bad teeth as someone less than seventy years old. It's a 'classic' symptom of bulimia and I've heard a lot of (rookies) swear by brushing their teeth. DON'T FUCKIN DO IT MAN. I used to b/p anywhere between three to ten times a day at my worst, but I always kept a handy supply of TUMS or antacids on me. Your teeth become weakened when you b/p in the first place, so the abrasiveness of toothbrush bristles tends to wear down on your enamel. I never brushed my teeth after I would purge, and I've been b/p'ing on and off for about four years now. Like I said - ten times a day at the worst. I went to the dentist last month and they said that my teeth were like, perfect. It was actually shocking. Thank god for chemistry I suppose.
So how does it work? Well, the calcium carbonate (the main ingredient of TUMS) neutralizes the hydrochloric acid (stomach acid) on our teeth like it would in our stomach. It's basically a high school chemistry equation.
CaCO3+ HCl -> CaCl2 + CO2 + H2O.
The symptoms you'll get (after an antacid) is basically just burping up the CO2 lol. It's much more preferable to tooth decay, might I say. OH and if you don't have any antacids on you, baking soda works in the same way. Just put a teaspoon of baking soda into water, swish it around your mouth, and spit it out. It doesn't taste great, but you could probably mix it with a little alcohol-free toothpaste so it tastes more minty. I highly recommend against swallowing baking soda because it will most likely irritate your stomach and make you even more nauseous, and not in an emetic way. (Ana butterflies don't get any stupid ideas it's not gonna work like you think). Swallowing baking soda just makes you kind of uncomfortable, really.
Y'all need to floss too. I sound like I've got a major stick up my ass, because who actually flosses flossing is for old people and l0zers fuck that shit. Nope. Flossing once before you go to bed helps your teeth against yellowing, in my experience. I wouldn’t recommend flossing post-purge as your gums tend to be much more sensitive. ‘Cuz who’s trynna get gingivitis yeah no one.
Sinuses -
Remember that time you (regrettably) b/p’d on rice? And you felt that rice grain up there and took a napkin and blew fuckin snot rice into your napkin, like the sexy beast you are?
Yeah I remember that too.
It’s pretty apparent that stomach acid anywhere besides your stomach is a recipe for havoc. The stomach acid eats away at the mucous membranes in your nose, leading to constant sniffling, loss of smell, and chronic sinus infections. Even if you don't feel irritation in your nose immediately following a b/p, the acid can still lead to damage.
So how do you remedy this?
From my experience, the Neti-Pot saline rinse is the best bet. You can use the one that looks like a tea kettle or the one that's a squeezy bottle - both do the same thing. I have the squeezy bottle and it's really simple to use. You add water up to the fill line
And then you pour the saline packet into the bottle and mix thoroughly (just shake the bottle). Be sure to use FILTERED DRINKING WATER because tap water often contains heavy metals like copper or iron, which isn't good for your nose. Then put the plastic bottle with the saline-water solution into the microwave for approximately 35 seconds, and be careful to make sure it isn't too hot. Make sure it's just slightly warm and then screw the cap on tightly. Lean over a sink and gently squeeze the bottle into one nostril until the water comes out the other. Don't worry, it doesn't provoke the dreaded “oh god there's water in my nose I feel like I'm drowning” feeling. Your sinuses are connected and because the water is warm (like body temperature) it won't come as a shock to your body. Repeat the process on both nostrils until the bottle is done.
I've had actual chunks of food come out of my nose before, and I'm like, “shit, that would have just been hangin out in my nose the entire time?” So it's really important for preventing sinus infections or acid damage to the nasal cavity.
Electrolyte Imbalances -
If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've seen THAT PICTURE of the dead bulimic girl I would be richer than Donald Trump. Yeah, she died from gastric rupture blah blah blah but I always see blogs referencing that picture with the danger of heart failure and death in bulimics.
Despite how frequently I used to purge, I'm not dead yet! Hurray I guess! I used to get serious heart palpitations after a long day of purging, but I could mitigate some of those side effects with proper hydration and electrolyte drinks.
I ain't talkin no purple Gatorade shit either. Gatorade isn't as hydrating as one would think. It's made for athletes who are working out and sweating, and releasing salt through their skin. Gatorade replenishes the sodium and sugar, but if you're not working out/sweating a lot, the extra sodium could cause water retention *panics* The best option for electrolyte-replenishing is coconut water, in my opinion. It's naturally high in potassium, which is the principle electrolyte lost by vomiting. Pedialyte takes a close second for hydration because it's designed to replenish electrolytes, like if you have the flu or something. You can buy Pedialyte over the counter at most (American) pharmacies.
Electrolytes are important in muscle contraction, which includes the heart. This is why many bulimics die from heart attacks
Of course, the best way to get potassium is through potassium-rich foods. Some examples:
Avocado
Acorn squash
Spinach
Sweet potato
Wild-caught salmon
Dried apricots
Pomegranate
Coconut water
White beans
Banana
Source: Dr. Axe
Y'all also gotta be mindful of your magnesium too. Magnesium is lost (most notably) through diarrhea and thus laxative abuse. Here's how to remember the electrolytes:
Potassium is lost through Purging and Magnesium is lost by taking Mega Shits.
I'm laughing bahahah but I shouldn't be because the magnesium thing is no joke.
2. Psychological Damage Control
The Post Purge Freakout-
Quit playin. You know what I’m talkin’ about, that anxiety like fuck fuck fuck what did I just do I’m a worthless human I deserve to-
Stop.
These thoughts seem real, like ground-breaking realizations that affirm your worthlessness and desire to continue hurting yourself with ED behaviors. Diffusing these thoughts feels like the hardest thing to do in the moment, of course, but self-care is one of the most important factors in preventing another episode. I’m not trying to be some over-simplifying, self-righteous therapist who thinks that mindfulness is the only way out ‘it’s all about positive self talk, honey!’ Nah fam, anyone who’s dealt with the vicious cycle of bulimia knows it’s not that fuckin’ easy, and so I’m not trying to sugarcoat the fact that post-b/p self-care can be really goddamn difficult.
The best post-b/p self care I’ve implemented is putting on cozy pajamas (if you’re at home) and just taking a five minute break from what you’re doing to listen to music, draw/write, or go on a short walk. Let yourself feel comfy and secure, like being wrapped in a warm fuzzy blanket. Give yourself just five minutes to collect your feelings, and realize that a past slip-up can’t determine the future. Because that’s all it is - in the past. What’s in the past is done, and no amount of hateful self talk or self-injury will change that. But what you do in the present is what matters. Think about it as a fork in the road -
“Okay, so I just binged and purged, I have urges to hurt myself or compensate for what I just did, but what will happen if I don’t do either of those things?”
Nothing.
You might panic. You might cry. Let the tears come, if you are in a safe place where you feel you can do so. We know that the day might have sucked, but time stops for no one. The next thing you know, it’s the next morning. The sun is shining through your window, you are alive and your body is resilient. BOI IT’S A NEW FUCKIN DAY! YESTERDAY WAS A CAN OF SHIT, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, TODAY DOESN’T HAVE TO BE. The important thing is that you lived through those horrible feelings, and you’ll remember that. You’re stronger, more resilient, and persistent than you think. You don’t even have to be in recovery to apply this. That’s not what I’m getting at. If you’re pursuing a goal, whether it be eating at regular intervals or meeting a certain calorie limit, there are going to be times you might mess up. And good god, it is absolutely okay.
Imagine yourself going to bed the next night, realizing that you had your first binge free, purge free day since you could remember. Knowing that you fought your urge to b/p will help you remember that next time, “hey, I’m stronger than my urges.”
I guess what I’m emphasizing here is self-forgiveness. I know a lot of people’s ED’s are driven by self-hatred and you’re all such beautiful human beings who deserve to love yourself as others love you. Wow. That got really deep real fast. But hey, I’ve been through it all.
~
Yo. I'm gonna add more to this, but only if people are interested in my ED-related writing. I'm actually working on a blog right now but I figured I might as well post some stuff here for feedback. PLEASE comment I would love to hear from you guys. 'Do I write like a sappy self-help book'? 'Is it relatable and/or helpful?' Let me know in a comment or DM what you're feelin about it. Sending hugs!
#recovery#eatingdisorder#eatingdisorders#prorecovery#selfcare#selfhelp#health#fitness#mental#mentalhealth#depression#anorexia#bulimia#ednos#binge eating#purging#thinspo#therapy#psychology#eating#purge#binge#BP
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Nocturne Alchemy Seth's Dinosaur Collection - PART ONE
Originally published on 6/27/2017
Hello, everyone! I've been wanting to write some reviews for a while now, but we moved, and then I promptly came down with a really bad case of bronchitis, that did not seem to want to go away. I ended up with two different antibiotics and almost went to the hospital at one point, but it's mostly dissipated finally. Well, then I had to put my house together and get everything situated here, and I'm sure anyone that has moved understands how much effort that takes. I haven't moved in over four years, and I felt really bad about not getting my house organized! And here I am, going on and on. Anyway, I had intentions of reviewing Seth's Dinosaur Collection for quite a while, but I think it's particularly relevant now. Nocturne Alchemy is reopening in 4 days, on June 30th! *squeeing and flailing* I'm so excited to see the site redesign. Also, they've been working on new label art, and from what I understand, they'll be adding new scents to the various Permanent Collections. So much fun. I'm sure it's going to be beautiful. If you'd like to keep up with them in the meantime, they have been posting fun things on their Facebook Business page, including a sneak peek video of the new logo, which is absolutely elegant.
Well, I started this last night, and ended up having things to do that needed my immediate intention - so I had to put it down and come back to it in the morning! It seems like that's the way things have been going lately, so now this review is even more timely. Before I delve into it, I want to make mention that I had an email conversation with the NA crew, because I wanted to address some of the rumors I'd seen going around since they'd been closed. I saw that folks were concerned that they wouldn't be reopening, because they've been gone so long, and I also saw that many were worried that the catalogue as it was known might not be returning, so I wrote to see if they'd give me something to share with people - and they did! Such lovely, kindhearted people, and that is the reason I am such a huge "fangirl". I mean, don't get me wrong - they make the most exquisite perfume oils, and of course that drew me in, but once I began to see how much heart they pour into their company, and how much they care about their customers, that really made me fall head over heels. Honestly, in the world of indie perfumes, NA is a pretty good sized company. They've been making perfumes for 10 years now - actually, as it's June, they're into their 11th year, and they have a pretty extensive catalogue! So in their own words, I'll use a direct quote here from Nocturne Alchemy.
NA will return June 30th. We asked our customers last year what they thought of the old NA site. Constructive criticism concluded that it was dated. The truth is, we knew this and had been looking for the right host site for the past two years. We knew it would take time to migrate and create a new site but we'd have to be 100% involved and the focus of a new site would mean we'd have to shut down the old site. In the process, we decided to recreate the art for the labels of the Permanent Collection (we call it the PC because we view perfume as you would at an art gallery, where there is a Permanent Collection and a Limited Collection or the temporary exhibit if you will). In the past six months we've taken some much needed time off after a decade of perfume making, perfume soul-searching, travel for more unique perfume, and also back in the Studio for months now working on new PC, new art for new labels and a new look for NA. It took two years prior to opening NA in 2006 creating a small collection of PC and Limited perfumes, designing labels, the site...the fact that we can do this in six months, means we are at the top of our game. We know what we want to create but you can't rush art. NA will return June 30th. Find us on Facebook to stay up with current information. The PC and Studio Limited will return, as well as the beloved VApothecary line that has been rebranded under Nocturne Alchemy to facilitate cohesiveness at the new site.
So, there you have it! In addition to completely redesigning the site from the ground up, including a different type of "shopping cart", they've been working on all kinds of wonderful things. I am not sure I will even know where to start on Friday! I'm certainly looking forward to digging through the new site - bad pun intended? And now, I have to apologize. As I said, I'd meant to get this posted a few weeks ago, but life sort of threw me under the bus, and I just couldn't give it the proper time it deserved, as the Dinosaur collection, and the eNVie review, both deserve a bit more depth than just reviewing a single perfume. I'll be working on the latter today, to get it posted up hopefully by tomorrow.
So, roughly two summers ago, Nocturne Alchemy released the original Dinosaur collection, which was Seth's baby, as his other passion, from his early childhood, was dinosaurs, and he wanted to do a collection with that theme. I must tell you, it's been one of my very favorite collections, and I'm only missing a few of them. Last summer, they released a Resurgence, and added some new perfumes to the collection. It's alternatively been called the Prehistoric collection, but the name "Seth's Dinosaurs" has kind of become the popular name among the fans, and often gets shortened to "the Dinos". A little note about this collection: "These dinosaur perfumes are created with the beauty of resin in mind for each of them. The concept to this perfume, the label and the respect of the dinosaur is built on imagination. If you look at the label, there is an egg to the left. It is the same color as the Dinosaur. Apply the perfume on wrist and inner elbow and allow the scent to bind with your chemistry. Once this has occurred, inhale. This conceptually, is the egg. To allow the dinosaur to hatch, we wanted you to go to your Studio Limited Library and pull as many as you want, especially your favorites. The magic in layering the dino's with your Studio Limited Library will give your library a new NAVAlchemy aspect of layering and creating your own personal Dino scent. The fun in NAVAlchemy and hatching the dino eggs is all up to you!" - note from Seth. So, I've seen a few comments floating around the internet that say these oils seem to be rather linear, or flat - and I hope that people will read this, because if they don't realize that these were created specifically to be layered, then they'll miss the beauty of these. I do like them on their own, but I find that when they are layered with other perfumes, the beauty and versatility really shines through. I was never adventurous about layering until I was introduced to these beauties, and they really taught me to branch out, because the possibilities are quite endless. What's interesting is that a lot of the SL (Studio Line) is also fantastic for layering, so I'll make some suggestions for these together for you to try. I believe, from the hints that they've been dropping on the Facebook page, that we'll once again be graced with new Dinos this summer. I don't know if it will be happening with the grand reopening, or at some later time in the summer, but it seems that we'll be getting new Dinosaurs to play with! I cannot wait.
So, let's get started! I'll go with the first round of Dinosaurs that I have, and then the second round will be in a separate post. All of the Dinosaurs also make this mention: "*tiny bits of resin may occur in the Dino blends, these will only enrich the blend even more with aging!"
Cryolophosaurus: Resinous Amber Accord, Limestone Amber, Aged Organic Studio created Patchouli, Black Patchouli, SL Crimson and only a drop of fine aged Egyptian White peppercorn eo. So, this was my first love of the Dinosaurs. I was pretty new to NAVA at the time the first collection came out, so I was still trying everything via decants before I sprung for full bottles, because I hadn't learned what worked on me and what didn't yet. I think I ordered decants of everything but Spinosaurus, because I had learned at that point that black honey and I don't get on. Still salty about that! Anyway. The decants arrived, and I tried them all out - and fell madly in love with Cryolophosaurus, and promptly ordered a full bottle. It's....what are words! I feel as though I'm going to be repeating myself here with this collection, but I'll do my best for y'all. The patchoulis in this blend are bright and sort of herbal, almost minty? I don't know if that's a proper patchouli trait, but as a bit of a hippie, I've been a lifelong fan of patchouli (thanks, mom!) and was exposed to the dark and dirty hippie type patchouli early on in life. This was the first time I was exposed to patchouli as a more herbal note, and I was absolutely blown away. I often find NAVA ambers to have a "fresh" sort of quality, and the two ambers used in the Dinosaur collection definitely seem to have that, so it keeps any of these blends from being overly dark. There's definitely a depth and a sort of stoney feel to each one of these, but as I've mentioned, that seems to come out more once you layer them with another perfume, and Cryolophosaurus is no exception. I can wear this happily alone, it's quite different than say Hessonite, which can be a little overwhelming if you're new to patchouli, the ambers lift this up and seem to give the patchoulis a different nuance. You don't get the red musk (Crimson) or pepper aspect very much until you wear this one layered, but those aspects come out and shine once you pair this with another oil. Also, this oil is red! As I've had my bottle for 2 years, there's definitely some resinous bits forming now, but I couldn't seem to capture a picture of it.
I could rave and rave about this one. Goals: If they bring this back as a Resurrection again this year, GET A BACKUP BOTTLE. Hah!
TL;DR A fresh, sort of bright, herbal patchouli. The nuances of the ambers, red musk, and pepper come out to play when you layer this, but you probably won't notice them while wearing it solo.
Layering suggestions: Try this with Kashmir, Crystalline, Amethyst, Santalum, Crystal, White Ambre Ombre. If you have Labyrinth Oudh, this pairs beautifully with that. If you are a patchouli fiend, you might try hatching it with Patchouli Ombre or Hessonite. I like it with Sekhmet Amber and Black Raven, also.
Diplodocus: Resinous Amber Accord, Limestone Amber, a drop of Cacao, Boswellia carterii Frankincense from United Arab Emirates and a drop of steam distilled Oman Frankincense tears we picked from the actual Frankincense tree.
Believe it or not, although I tried all of my decants the summer that the Dinosaur Collection came out, I did not really pursue full bottles of any except Cryolophosaurus. When I heard that the collection was to be resurrected last summer, I decided I needed to try my decants again, and came to the conclusion that I would have to acquire full sizes of all the originals that I had decants of - oh boy! And then there were new ones joining them. I was in trouble. So, I was trying to decide which of these I absolutely had to have, and at first, I had decided since I had Holiday Egyptian Frankincense, I probably didn't need Diplodocus. Well, I fell pretty hard for HEF last summer and found myself layering it with everything, and before I knew it, I had gone through a half a bottle. Panic set in, and I decided I was probably going to need an alternative frankincense, as it was a note I was falling more and more in love with. Diplodocus became a must have, and I am glad I was able to sneak it in my last order before the collection came down. As a stand alone perfume, this is pretty much a linear frankincense - albeit a lovely one. Beautifully woody, you could wear this alone if you were in the mood to wear a sort of single note frankincense, but this lends a wonderful aspect with so many perfumes, I prefer to layer it. Once I layer it with another perfume, the bright, resinous, stony amber comes out to play with the woodiness of the frankincense, and it's heavenly. The cacao is not a starring note, I can find it with my nose only if I keep sniffing, but it plays a lovely supporting role.
TL;DR A perfect frankincense layering note, it does well with adding a sort of grounding to perfumes that might ordinarily be too bright or feminine for my particular tastes, and is lovely paired with the SLs as well to create a duality.
Layering suggestions: Kobalt Dark, Santal Ombre, Egyptian Musk, Crystal, Diamond, or even to add a tad more frankincense to Ember. I've also paired this and love it with Gabriel, Eternal Egypt, and Ozymandias. I love it with several LC perfumes as well; Black Velvet, Black Crystalline Black Fig, Vamp, Anticipation, Blue Lotus, Snow Amber.
Pteranodon: Resinous Amber Accord, Limestone Amber, a drop of Cacao, Pure Sandalwood left to age in the perfume, Santalum Gold, Santalum and a drop of Blue Santalum.
GODS. Gods. This was the one that made me sit up and take notice, why had I missed out on ordering a full bottle, and I need to rectify this immediately! All of the Dinosaurs are fantastic, versatile little workhorses when playing with layering, but Pteranodon became a quick favorite of mine, and dare I say? Yes, I dare, it became my favorite sandalwood thus far. Don't get me wrong, you'll be prying my gloriously aged bottle of SL Santalum out of my cold, dead hands, I absolutely adore Santalum White, especially when spring and summer roll around, but really I can see using it all year...but this, this is special. Samantha tells me that's because it has the most precious of precious, Santalum Gold. Since she sent me a little sample of her precious bottle, I can understand the obsession - there's something pretty amazing about Santalum Gold. It's a little more woody and resinous, more fully sandalwood than the new version Santalum. I love mine, don't get me wrong, but I can see why Santalum Gold is so popular that if one pops up in the secondary market, it is gone within minutes. Ah well, one day I will be quick enough! Until then - Pteranodon. Yes, I can and have worn this alone, and I absolutely adore it. I like it in my hair, it's one of my favorite layering components when I pair it with something and add a few drops of unscented hair oil and run my fingers through my hair. Hnnnnggg. It's hauntingly familiar, it reminds me of when I lived briefly in Minneapolis in the early nineties and I hung out in the head shops and the kitschy little knicknack shops of uptown and the fantastic thrift stores....ahhhh the nineties, it brings me a feeling of nostalgia, for that's when I discovered how glorious sandalwood was. Oddly enough, my mother is a darker creature, and I don't remember her wearing sandalwood during her hippie days, mostly patchouli and musk and especially dragon's blood. She was missing out, I tell you. This. This really evokes some strong emotions in me. So, once layered, again the ambers come out to play, and the cacao is there as a supporting note, but the star is the variety of sandalwoods. You really get a sense of the four once this is layered. I don't know what to say other than IF THIS COMES BACK AND YOU DON'T HAVE IT YOU'D BETTER GET ONE. I'll be picking up a backup. I might not be able to get my hands on Santalum Gold, but this will do.
TL;DR HNNNGGGG GORGEOUS INCREDIBLE SANDALWOOD.
Layering suggestions: Gods, it goes with everything. Seriously. One of my favorite things is to hatch this with a combination of Diamond, Crystalline, and Tibetan Crystalline. Alternately, I'll do Bloodstone, Egyptian Musk, and this (maybe some Amethyst too). It's fantastic with Ember Vanilla or from the LC, Phantasm Kiss. I love it with Egyptian Temple Oudh. Umm, Eternal Egypt, Bastet Amber, Raphael, Black Raven. Ambre Ombre, or even Santal Ombre. I love it with the OPs, Baba, Tawaret, Pakhet, Hathor. I've got a smidgen of my sample of Egyptian Peach Blossom left and it's lovely with that. Polichenelle. Cecilia, Adele, Music, Snow Amber, Patchouli Ombre. There hasn't been a layering combination with this one I haven't loved, so be adventurous. If a perfume seems a bit too sweet or floral, this makes a nice "grounding" effect. Just do yourself a favor and nab this if it comes back!
Tyrannosaurus: Resinous Amber Accord, Limestone Amber, a drop of Cacao, Dracaena Draco of Morocco (Dragon's Blood resin) and Sangre de Grado Dragon's Blood.
One of the things I don't think I've talked about a lot is exactly how much I love NAVA's dragon's blood. I seem to like dark, red, resinous things quite a bit, I mean, Kashmir is practically my signature, followed closely by Bloodstone. So, what is their dragon's blood like? It's that perfect mixture of spicy and fruity. It's so, so well balanced. I don't really like it when a db note veers too much into either territory, leaving the other territory well behind. I want that combination, just a little spicy, just a little fruity, almost delicious. This is another workhorse. Alone, it's a beautifully resinous, juicy dragon's blood with a little kick of spice. It might be too dark alone if you're not into db, but layer this big boy - did Seth name this one well or WHAT? Layer Tyrannosaurus, and it becomes bright and lifted with the amber, and it's possibly even more beautiful than Bloodstone. Wait, what? Blasphemy. Okay, maybe not my bottle of aged, thick, glorious Bloodstone, but it's pretty amazing. Worn alone, T-Rex is a hint of the amber, and the two dragon's bloods. Layered, and he comes into his full glory, the amber comes out to really play, and that lovely supporting cacao becoes just a little bit evident, to give it a little more depth.
TL;DR: T-Rex is a big boy, and this perfume more than lives up to its name. I find it apropos that his scent is dragon's blood. Layered, he is just the right amount of resinous, spicy, juicy dragon's blood and glorious, fresh stony amber. Mmmm. Mm. It makes me hum with happiness.
Layering suggestions: Ember Vanilla, Ambre Ombre, Patchouli Ombre, Santalum, Ember, Black Raven, Mists of Arcacia, OP Anubis, OP Pakhet. From the LC, try it with Phantasm Kiss, Blood Moon, Egyptian Temple Oudh, Copal Oudh, or Pandora.
Utahraptor: Resinous Amber Accord, Limestone Amber, hungry chomps of Kashmir and Black Musk Absolutes, Egyptian Musk and a drop of Crimson and Sri Lankan Black Peppercorn eo.
Oh, Utahraptor. I've listed this last, but not because I love it least. In fact, I adore it, and it's quite versatile - different layering options bring out different facets of this one. I'm sure I've made mention of the fact that I really, really love NAVA musks. Kashmir is probably one of my favorite perfumes. So naturally, I had to have this. Worn alone, this comes across as mostly Kashmir, with a breath of Black Musk underneath, and the amber lifts it up - it might seem like a heavy blend, but it's saved from that by the beautifully clean Egyptian Musk and ambers. Start playing with layering, and while Kashmir, a bold red musk, remains the star, Black Musk and Egyptian Musk come out to play a bit more vocally, and I love that little kick of spiciness in the background of peppercorn. I'm a big fan of pepper in perfumes - Music is a great example of this, I feel, and it's kind of a surprising note, I think that many people would envision it from a cooking spice standpoint, but it's a bit different when added as a component of perfume. It adds a little kick, and it's quite fun. If you've never had the experience, I highly recommend giving it a chance. Anyway, enough about pepper, it's a supporting note here, and gives this "egg" a bit of pizzazz when you hatch it with another perfume.
TL;DR: Kashmir, a bold red musk, is the star here but plays beautifully with the other two musks, Black and Egyptian, when layered. Don't be afraid of the pepper. Despite the musk heavy blend, it's not nearly as heavy as you might think, the ambers lift and brighten this perfectly, and it's quite fun with a variety of different types.
Layering suggestions: Crystalline, Tibetan Crystalline, Santalum White, Egyptian Musk, Ozymandias, Pharaoh Anniversary, OP Baba, OP Set. For LC options, I absolutely am nuts over hatching this with California Redwood Crystal Musk. Also, Underlord Akhenaten, Pyewacket Cat, Pumpkin #2, Copal Oudh, Enigma, and it's amazing with the Byzantium Amber from their 9th Anniversary perfumes.
Okay, whew! That was pretty extensive, I am sorry for the wall of text, but I do hope you'll find my "hatching" suggestions helpful. This really did provide me with the courage to really branch out and become a layering fiend, and now I will layer various perfumes in with my unscented hair oils too, and I get a lot of compliments about how amazing my hair smells. Tomorrow, I'll get the second half of this posted for you, with last year's additions. From the first year, I do not have Spinosaurus, Stegasaurus, or Styracosaurus. Feel free to offer up your own layering combinations with these amazing perfumes! I want to mention one more thing in closing, these are another collection that do even better with age, they become richer and seem to come into their own even more. Have a wonderful evening!
Editing to add a note, and a link to part two! I forgot to mention previously, is that these are lovely when you pair them together! And I've done this several times with different combinations. Pteranodon with Protoceratops or Deinonychus, Velociraptor with Utahraptor, Diplodocus with Giganotosaurus, Protoceratops with almost anything! Hah.
Another thing to mention, if you have eNVie Saphir, many of these are stunning when hatched with Saphir. Definitely worth experimenting with - I have Saphir, Ambre Saphir, and Encens Saphir, and they all do well with the Dinosaurs.
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I Can’t Remember (Part 4)
Hey y'all! Sorry for taking so long to get this 4th and final part posted, I got a little busy the last couple days and couldn’t but its finally up! I want to say thank you to y'all for supporting my writing! This is one of my favorite thing I’ve written so far!
Y'all can read Part 1 here Part 2 here and Part 3 here
P.S. this last part is kind corny, like an ABC Family movie kinda corny lmao but I think it wraps up the story nicely.
Also I was kinda thinking about writing a prologue to this whole thing like on what happened the night of the party. Like you guys get the just of what happened based on what I told you in the story but I could write out exactly what did if y'all are interested in that?? Lemme know! Thanks again for the love!
Words: 1,546
Warnings: just language as usual!
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“Alright, listen up!” you heard Ashton shout as you and Calum slipped into the Theta Chi house. Both Alpha Phi and Theta Chi were packed into the main entryway, making it a tight squeeze.
“We have some official business to discuss.” Ashton said to the crowd.
“Then why are they here?” Luke called out from the middle of the room.
“Because this business involves us too.” Tatum replied as she stepped out of the crowd to stand next to Ashton. You and Calum looked at each other with worried glances. You hoped this wasn’t about the two of you.
“Two of our own have gone rogue.” Ashton said as he pointed to you and Calum directly, moving his finger in a come here motion. You both pushed your way to the front of the crowd and noticed the dirty looks people were giving you. This was definitely about last night.
“A bit dramatic don’t you think Ash.” Calum muttered to Ashton, who just ignored him.
“We all know you two possibly slept together last night.” Ashton explained to you as the crowd of Theta’s booed. You scoffed and rolled your eyes.
“Tatum, are you really okay with this metaphoric public beheading here?” you pleaded with your best friend.
“I am.” Tatum said confidently.
“When Ashton messaged me on Facebook asking me if I knew anything about this it made me realize that this thing you two have going on is wrong. Our two presidents shouldn’t be running around with each other behind everyones backs.” the crowd cheered in agreement.
“Will you guys knock it off. What is this? An episode of Maury?” Calum called out to his peers.
“But I am still your best friend and I still love you.” Tatum said to you privately.
“I just hate the Theta’s a little more than I love you.” Tatum said honestly. You couldn’t blame her though. Before today, you were the same exact way.
“Also I’m making spaghetti for dinner if thats okay with you. I also wanted to do garlic bread but I didn’t know if that would be too much since it’s-”
“Tatum, not now.” you sighed.
“Sorry.” she whispered as she gestured for Ashton to continue on.
“Our two respective presidents have-”
“Okay but listen,” Calum interrupted.
“We didn’t actually sleep together. So mystery is solved, problem is now resolved, lets all get back to our normally scheduled activities.” Calum finished as he waved people away. No one moved.
“Not that simple buddy.” Ashton retorted as he clapped a hand on Calum’s shoulder.
“Maybe you guys didn’t do the dirty, but fact of the matter is, you two were hanging out all last night and all today.” Ashton reminded you.
“But is it really that bad if we hang out together?” You asked Ashton, an audible gasp coming from the crowd of greek members.
“You of all people should know how big of a deal this rivalry is Y/N.” Vanessa called.
“Yeah, if I would’ve known that Calum was your booty call I never would’ve supported it.” Mallory chimed in, the rest of your sorority sisters nodding in agreement.
“Booty call?” Calum asked in confusion. You waved him off.
“What’s so bad about hanging out with an Alpha for a little while? Huh boys?” Calum asked his brothers.
“We’re rivals.” Michael called out.
“We may be in a frat but that doesn’t mean we fraternize with the enemy Calum.” he finished. Looks of confusion were written across multiple peoples faces.
“Michael, that literally doesn’t even make sense.” Calum remarked, earning a few chuckles from his friends.
“It’s just a dumb rivalry.” you thought out loud, the entire room becoming eerily quiet.
“Just a dumb rivalry?” Tatum asks you.
“Says the girl who used to do anything to threaten the Theta’s way of life. This coming from the girl who snuck around the back of the Theta house and shut off their power so everyone would have to come to our party instead.”
“That was you?” Calum asked surprised.
“Well yeah, but-”
“The girl who once walked a mile in heels just because she wanted to get to the store first to buy the last keg just so the Theta’s couldn’t have it. The girl who-”
“Okay Tatum thats enough.” you said sternly.
“That was the old me.” you began.
“Look at us right now. You all say we’re all so different and we’re all such bitter enemies, but you all literally came together as one to rip apart Calum and I. Sure, it wasn’t for the greatest cause but you guys did it.” a few people nodded.
“And Michael,” Calum said as he stepped forward.
“I vividly remember you and Vanessa partnering on a bio project last semester. She would come round the house all the time and you got along perfectly well, you really hit it off.”
“But that was for school stuff not greek stuff.” Michael scoffed.
“Should it really matter?” Calum questioned.
“And Tatum,” you said as you turned around to face your best friend.
“You and Luke are both on the cheerleading team. I remember at a competition last year you flew with him as your one and only base. That takes a lot of trust and understanding to do that. Not something two ‘rivals’ could do.” you pointed out.
“She is right.” Tatum agreed.
“And I did actually have a great time stunting with you Luke.” she called out to him, Luke nodding in agreement.
“See? When we come together and see each other as people instead of enemies we can accomplish great things.” Calum stated.
“I know it’s tradition, but lets put this dumb rivalry behind us and and make new traditions together.” you said to your sorority sisters, all of them nodding in agreement.
“What do you say boys?” Calum asked his brothers as he slung an arm around your shoulder, grinning down at you. It took a few minutes, but all of Theta Chi finally agreed to end the rivalry as well, Ashton being the last to give in.
“I never thought I’d see the day when Alpha Phi and Theta Chi didn’t hate each other.” you said to Calum as the other members began to file out of the frat house, some of them already starting to mingle.
“It’s a pretty remarkable thing we did today.” Calum marveled.
“I say we throw an even more remarkable party to honor this remarkable day.” you smirked.
THAT WEEKEND
“I have to say, you did a great job putting together this party!” Calum shouted to you above the music. You were both currently swaying with each other on the makeshift dance floor in the Alpha Phi house.
“I know I did!” you said triumphantly, Calum grinning so wide his eyes were starting to crinkle in the corners.
Everyone was enjoying themselves. Both Alpha’s and Theta’s were interacting with each other and dancing with each other like the rivalry never existed in the first place. It took a little bit for everyone to get used to not having to hate one another, but they really started to get along well when given the opportunity to. Michael and Vanessa were grinding with each other on the dance floor, while Luke and Tatum were in the kitchen excitedly talking about what they were going to do at cheer practice the following week. Ashton had even embraced the newfound treaty between the houses and was making out with Mallory, who he’s always found to be attractive, in the corner of the room.
“Can we go somewhere quieter to talk?” Calum shouted. You nodded yes and led him outside to the front lawn where you both took a seat on the street curb.
“I’m glad we don’t have to hate each other anymore.” Calum laughed.
“Me too.” you said as Calum carefully grabbed your hand in his and laced your fingers together.
“I don’t think I ever really hated you that much, I just thought I had to.” you explained.
“I actually really liked you when we first met our freshman year.” you confessed.
“I really liked you too. Still do.” Calum added, making you smile. You looked up at him and noticed how cute he looked when his hair was a mess and saw how his brown eyes glistened in the moonlight and just got the overwhelming urge to kiss him.
“At least now we can do this without getting ripped to shreds by our friends.” Calum whispered as he leaned in closer, alternating between looking into your eyes and looking at your lips. It felt like years before his lips were finally on yours, igniting fireworks in your head and taking your breath away. You never knew a kiss with someone could be so good, and damn was it good. Calum pulled away when you both heard cheers coming from the front door. You looked back and saw all of your friends standing there cheering you on. You and Calum both laughed, being insanely happy in that moment.
“How about we go back in there and have another night that we won’t remember in the morning?” Calum asked you as he stood up, pulling you right with him since your hands were still connected.
“I would love nothing more than that.”
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