#work and life do that you sometimes -_-
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Bitches will create the MOST DEVASTATING STORIES KNOWN TO MAN out of 2 besties playing Minecraft together what the FUCK did they put in the water why are people making work about GoodTimesWithScar and Grian as if they’re Penelope and Odysseus the boys really saw a silly comedy and said no not sad enough we MUST fix this
#I love you bitches honest to god youre doing the lords work here#granted opening any website is like playing emotional russain roulette but ya know what that's par for the course#sometimes you gotta play dangerous games to see art that fucks like no other#hermitcraft#grian#goodtimeswithscar#life series
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I think it would really benefit people to internalize that mental illnesses are often chronic and not acute. Some of us will never be able to jump the hurdle of managing illness, much less sustaining a sense of normalcy. Many of us will never "recover," will never manage symptoms, will never even come close to appearing normal - and this is for any condition, even the ones labeled as "simple" disorders or "easy-to-manage" disorders.
It isn't a failure if you cannot manage your symptoms. It isn't a moral failure, and you aren't an awful person. You are human. There's only so much you can do before recognizing that you cannot lift the world. Give yourself the space to be ill because, functionally, you are.
#mental health#mental health advocacy#like... anxiety and depression are often concieved of as simple and easy to manage...#...but that isn't the case for so many of us. anxiety and depression just have a lot more research invested into them...#...and while i wish this were the case for literally every other condition it does alter people's perception of you to some extent...#...so while this is NOT solely about anxiety or depression it includes us...#...my anxiety and depression and PTSD have *destroyed* my life. this is chronic and will probably be life-long...#...and that isn't my fault. i've done the fucking work but guess what? that doesn't account for the fact that I Am Just ILL#the least we can do for each other is to be compassionate#be compassionate to those who cannot heal. be compassionate to the people who can't manage their lives. this world is scary enough#recognize that management of symptoms is something not all of us can do - even IF their condition is labeled as 'easy to manage'#i allowed myself to feel angry that i can't heal 'normally' and that was unfair as fuck toward myself#and i NEED people to internalize this so that MAYBE this could help somebody else who is where i was#i NEED them to understand that it's okay that they are where they are - sometimes shit just doesn't turn out how you expect or want#don't beat yourself over you being a person. you are struggling enough. you deserve to rest. just rest please#and just... give yourself space
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F I S S I O N - Why the hell do you hurt yourself for this?
#wake up babe new tenvishund art just dropped#very very rusty but inspired by a recent album and general life experiences/interraction#im coming to the end of my degree and trying to find A Real Proper Grown Up Job#and the industry I am in can be really sneaky - you think you've found something good but if you speak to the right people#then the truth comes out#which is frustrating#but here i am alive and well and probably doing better than i ever have been before#even if sometimes i do want to tear my guts out and die like a dog#such is life i guess all about balance#i also wanted to colour the guts red but i cant work this new fancy gimp system so i gave up#enjoy!! thank you for viewing!
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I love this slice of life arc
#vtuber#holostars#holotempus#banzoin hakka#josuiji shinri#I JUST THOUGHT THEIR SLICE OF LIFE EPISODES WERE CUTE#I miss doing these little clips#I wanna do some more but time is so scarce...#maybe I'll work on them to wind down sometimes hehe#I LOVE THE JAPAN ARC IF YOU CAN'T TELL
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we’re autism4autism have i ever mentioned that
#YOU BET MY ASS I WILL SIT AND LISTEN HIM TALK ABOUT THE AERODYNAMIC DIFFERENCES IN PLANES#YOU BET MY ASS I WILL SIT THERE AND LISTEN TO HIM TALK WHILE HE WORKS ON HIS BIKE#literally my favorite thing to do is listen to people talk abt their special interest#I have learned more things in life by hearing people talk then I have ever learned in school#my sister is the reason I am so knowledgeable about w.we i know these all of these wrestlers just by listening to her and I love it ☝🏽#funky hanging on to every word I say as I talk about the regional differences and variants of my tamagotchis#‘have I ever told you about the one where you can send your tama.gotchi to go get a job. you have to give them a resume. they can reject you#‘I am madly in love with you.’#sorry I’m crazy i love this hc so much#THE REASON HE WEARS THE GLASSES ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE ?? LIGHT SENSITIVITY ISSUES!!!!#THE REASON HE SEEMS SO ECCENTRIC AND ODD AMONG HIS PEERS SOMETIMES? MISSING SOCIAL CUES BABY!!!!!!!#I think it’s fun to think the coolest mf on the island is autistic LIKE I KNOW THATS RIGHTT 🔥🔥🔥🔥#ok sorry for rambling I love talking about this#doodles#self ship#self shipping#bipoc self ship#🦍🏄♂️🌊
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He is so 🤏
+
#lmao suzuki i thought of you at the last minute and had to ref the 'he likes to feel tall' mene#<- i mean duh its canon. babygirl is constantly sitting on countertops#just sometimes more uh slayfully like the third image#well guys as you can tell im a big fan of that recent tiktok#so thought i should draw some of the moments cause aghhhh hes brainrotted me so badly#as suzuki pointed out to me. he has this distinct look of partial shame in the bts of the microwave vid#i like to think he came to work that morning and was like omg jimmy i have a tiktok vid#and then halfway thru making it was like: oh wow this is more embarrassing to do than i thought it would be#but dw cringe is dead to him. he doesnt care >:)#but if this is a mere glimpse of the silliness that is yet to come in this coming season. god im so excited to see more of his antics#bros seriously been liveblogging his work days since he got back to the factory 😭😭#they should make a legitimate cinematic day in the life vid of him not just a tiktok or clipe#*clips#fernando alonso#f1#formula 1#catie.art.
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I become 300% more of both a lover and a hater when I'm on my period. just a time of the month when I have strong opinions I would say
#i want to kiss a butch for 3 hours. also i'm the only one in the world with correct opinions about everything#me the main character of life#anyway i saw this post complaining about sanitized mass marketable queer art#where the person described themselves based on the interests i guess they thought were most stereotypical and then were like#isn't there something rawer or more real than this#to which i would say there is! but you went to the queer market day#idk it is a frustration of mine too i do get it#but i think some people could stand to just get weirder and like the things they like#idk i buy cute little queer stickers all the time but i regularly stand out as a strange person in both queer and straight communities#get a friend who worked the same shit job who will sell you abstract alien art they made while they were high it's not hard#go to goodwill more. you'll find some raw expressions of humanity.#if you just want your interests to be more genuine to you it's simple#you just have to accept that maybe 2 other people will be able to rec you music or foods you enjoy#being more specific isn't everything it's cracked up to be sometimes#i think the problem here is mainly capitalism
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i can't explain it but sometimes you can just look at a fic with a 15 word description, less than 10 extraneous tags, for a fandom & pairing you know literally nothing about, and go: "ok, yeah, i'm going to enjoy that one" and you're RIGHT. the vibe check is vital.
#the vibe check is LIFE#i mean this also works with the reverse:#sometimes you just know a fic is not for you even if it LOOKS like it should be up your alley but then you read it & it isn't#it's all in the vibe check of the tags/description combo#your brain is doing calculations you cannot even fathom
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h-how do you ever finish any of your work? genuine question because you seem to be productive despite your agreste syndrome and I need to learn your ways. but also how do you ever finish any of your work
unclear. last night i stayed up and finished a report worth 25% of my grade at about 5am, arrived on time for my 9am lecture, and spent about half of it zoned out while thinking about seventeen year old emilie agreste. and i was one of the most active participants in the class discussion
#in some ways it IS the move to go to grad school right out of undergrad#because your body can still sort of operate like a college kid#i’m on about 3ish hours of sleep rn and this morning it felt SO over but now i’ve eaten something and we’re so back#i also don’t really do caffeine. except sometimes i’ll go get one of those panera death lemonades#i might be able to snag a short nap before work#but anyway about seventeen year old emilie. i was thinking abt how she was in that movie solitude and adrien said she was seventeen#WAIT. NO. HE SAID SHE WAS SEVENTEEN IN THAT PHOTO ON HIS DESKTOP NOT IN THE MOVIE#well. okay whatever i’m gonna tell you what i was thinking about anyway#OKAY i’m back i just checked the wikipedia page and then i watched the end of gorizilla. to make sure i’m not lying. because i’m normal.#anyway i was thinking about the solitude film and how it’s super rare and old and obscure and whatever. and how apparently#emilie wrote it herself and andre produced it#and i’m thinking about how gabe was discovered by audrey and that’s how he got his start in the fashion industry#so now i’m like?? did gabe and emilie first meet on the set of solitude? because gabe was designing costumes or whatever?#and that’s how audrey found him? have people already thought about this??#also i just checked and it doesn’t say emilie’s last name in the credits and also it’s ‘graham films’ with the twin rings logo m#so i’m assuming she’s still emilie graham de vanily at that point#anyway it comes back to seventeen year old emilie because i started imagining seventeen year old runaway emilie having her new life in pari#after escaping her british nobility life#and the first thing she does is write and star in an original movie. of course.#and she meets this repressed bisexual punk upstart costume designer who is so the opposite of everyone she’s ever known#and he’s immediately so unhealthily obsessed with her. which she appreciates.#and then they proceed to have the most toxic doomed evil relationship of all time#also she gets cheated because once gabe gets money he represses himself SO hard that he is now exactly like all the people emilie grew up w#but at least he’s still obsessed with her#this is what i was thinking about during class today. i don’t know how i get anything done either.#ml#anna rambles#asks
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horribly short summary of what im trying to accomplish here, but if you were to read a fic featuring character, a soldier honorably discharged and is officially off the battlefield and yet he can’t seem to shake off the war from clinging to his body, and he’s basically a bit of a mess and feels incapable of returning to ordinary life and there’s you, the sweetest thing in the whole world, and he keeps trying to tell you he’s no good and you’re there to help him with everything (and it kills him a bit, to see you wasting your time to help him, and it kills him because he feels like he shouldn’t be the type of person who needs help) and !! just slowburn and falling in love and just read the tags for the vibe ok, who would it be for
#i was originally thinking ghost from cod since hello there’s so much source material to work with#and the fic would suit him nicely but also idk if i have cod readers left on my blog#so any characters are fine like an aot character would also prob fit the bill for this#but ive just been thinking abt everyone who’s analyzing hozier’s snippet#with how he takes his coffee black and his whiskey neat and how this girl is too sweet FOR HIM#as in… not being deserving of something so nice#and feeling that way but also showing how in the healing process - in the process of getting better -#we start to discover that we are allowed to enjoy and indulge in nice things. that we also deserve to live a life full of sweetness#and it’s a bit serious since it will touch on ptsd; on survivors guilt#and the fic is long - spanning from getting together to him having kids w u#& how even after all this time sometimes the war is still fresh as ever on his mind#and just !!! it’s a lot#also that Taylor line that’s like ‘is it really your anxiety that keeps you from giving me everything?#‘or do you just not want to’ + ‘you wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody’
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#elisabeth das musical#and things that happened to me irl xD#i finally did thissss#it's so funny to do actually and it almost works like sort of therapy so why not#like wow i can finally talk about this and even draw related things without wanting to throw up immediately#for more context (yep again) i had severe depression years ago and at some point my brain was so fucked up by illness that#i started seeing [one of those guys i'm always talking about] literally as an embodiment of everything bad in my life#well HE WAS#but like i so strongly identified him with my depression that sometimes even doubted if he was a real person at all lmao#(YOU SEE WHY I'M DRAWING THIS)#he somehow managed to follow me everywhere which made things even more creepy.#and i kept coming back to him myself because i had no one else etc#so funny actually that he was literally JUST SOME GUY like not even interesting or anything#all this shit was just awful and gross that's all.#but when i realized i can make it look COOL by drawing stuff i felt so powerful ahsdijwhnu8#like YES i texted him recently and he's just. boring as fuck.#so dumb to feel possessed by some evil entity for years and the said evil entity is just a random dude#SORRY my traumadumping is cringe af but thats the price you have to pay to see my drawings xDddd
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oh
#study#listen ive been having like a very chaotic time trying to balance life and work and excersie and art and it’s very hard sometimes#I would like to have had opened commissions a few weeks ago but im scared im just going to be too stressed to actually perfom correctly doi#doing them so I haven’t really opened yet#im not sure if there’s any of you guys waiting or if it’s even ok for me to like take my time to figure it out and like actually rest a#little bit#anyway here’s the situation#I honestly feel like this
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Truly you can’t simultaneously say “this queer media is important and meaningful in real life” and then simultaneously say that anyone critiquing it for its handling of certain subjects and the messages that sends is just applying morality to media where it doesn’t belong
It can not both be a moral win and free from analysis of those morals
#the difference is that censorship is not the goal with the critique#and nor is ‘cancelling’ the creators#you can still critique!!! if all critique was a call for censorship and harassment#the entire literature department at every university would be fucking shut down#there IS a middle ground between ‘writing X subject makes you evil’#and ‘no fictional work can be used as a 1 to 1 analysis of real life morals’#because sometimes works do have an express moral and political dimension to them#and ignoring that is fucking dumb frankly#and sometimes works don’t have an expressed political dimension to them#but they still reflect some of reality and the current literature/TV/movie landscape
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it was always a strange dichotomy.
every middle school classmate i had told me i'd be a millionaire when i grew up, a Famouse Artisté. it's easy enough to imagine as a teen, i suppose: skill equals fame equals money. i was doubtful about this prophecy, not because i wasn't confident in my ability to draw, but because it was hard to imagine a world where i'd be paid for it.
it was an ice breaker game at summer camp. horrible one, really - everyone in a group were given a character profile. now we had to imagine that it was the zombie apocalypse, and the helicopter to safety was two seats short and we had argue why we deserved a spot. the character i got was an asshole doctor of some kind. i don't remember if i argued my way into the helicopter or not, but i do remember the feeling that's been hanging over me my entire life - if the apocalypse happens right now, i have nothing to contribute.
there's something really painful about it. i have cultivated a skill for my whole life, i can make art and tell stories that are entirely unique to me, there is no way to get someone else to create in the exact same way i can, and yet - i've contributed more to capitalist society by sitting in an empty hotel reception for eight hours a day.
which made me develop anxiety, to boot.
i illustrated two children's books. they're some of my best work. the contract i signed was industry standard and the indie author who had hired me was incredibly kind... but even after stock sold out i had earnt little more than some pocket change.
in high school we had an outing to dig our own snow caves that we would spend the night in. in teams, thankfully. i have so little physical strength to speak of, most i could do to help was clear away the snow rubble and toss it outside. i know, i know, my classmates reassured me it was an important job to do, i was an invaluable member of the group, sure - but it's that feeling, you know?
what would my task be in the communist solarpunk commune?
a person cannot be useless. it's a human being. they just exist, no ifs and buts about it. one can only be useless in the eyes of an ableist, capitalist society that sees no value in being alive beyond production and profit.
sometimes i receive messages from internet strangers to tell me something i said - often several years ago - was helpful to them. maybe it was a throwaway comment on a forum. maybe it was replying to a question they could've googled the answer to. maybe it was an encouraging reply to someone's artwork. turns out it mattered to someone. huh.
of course you can learn new skills. i have learnt plenty over the years! i have also learnt that there are limitations to what i can do. that some of the obstacles i face are not in fact obstacles everyone faces. it's not that i can't break tasks into smaller steps, it's more that half of those steps are going to be "rinse your hands because you Touched a Thing and now you're going to have to touch Another Thing." i wonder if that's adding to my cognitive load or something.
i was never raised to be a man, so by all accounts i do not understand why i'm so haunted by the spectre of toxic masculinity - what would i do if i was a medieval peasant and a war broke out? what if i was in a pre-historic hunter gatherer society and i was expected to hunt? what if i was a humble farm boy discovering the sword of the chosen one and the world depended on my non-existing courage to face certain death?
look, it's stupid. these are not scenarios i will find myself in. besides, pre-historic humans depended on community and taking care of each other. that's how we survive.
i'm not useless and i decided to make peace with being useless anyway.
we're surrounded by digital clocks. we can't really escape them. do we need watchmakers? would they save me a spot in the zombie apocalypse helicopter? no, don't answer that. i'm just happy i found something that requires a light touch and an observant eye.
#too long for twitter#I AM NOT ASKING FOR ADVICE I AM JUST MUSING AND WRITING A BLOG POST FOR THE JOY OF WRITING BLOG POSTS#not mentioned: the bachelors degree in art history i took to procrastinate with my life.#i would love to work as an illustrator still. if the opportunity to do so comfortably comes along i will take it#but im also happy to pursue my passion in my free time as something that belongs to me#number one question im asked whenever i tell someone i go to watchmaker school is 'BUT DO YOU STILL DRAW??'#it's like asking if i still breathe. yes! i still do the thing that makes me feel alive#it's just. we live in a world that's hostile to Live Comfortably and Pursue Creative Passions at the same time#and a society that can be so largely dismissive of art sometimes; all the while consuming it en masse#ah you probably get it. you dont need me to tell you
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................ he
#i feel like I posted this already but I also can't find it in any recent posts so...#......he#cats#EVEN if I did post it.. why not poast himb again? it's he#I'm like halfway through actually editing aforementioned costumes and stuff and i WANT to work on sculptures again and I have video#s and that worldbuilding slideshow and all of these things so hopefully like.. more usual stuff soon maybe.. to be posted#for now though yeah.. just cats#The end of the year is also when I panic about the passage of time and how little I've gotten done and how I will never actually be a#sucessful game maker slash author slash cat cafe owner slash set designer slash costume designer slash psychologist#who lives in like Scotland or somehting and also owns my own candle company or something ghbjhb#and will probably just be a mentally ill hermit recluse all my life who dies early of mysterious health issues with 5000 projects left#undone and blah blah the crushing weight of chronic illness and capitalism and so on and so forth#So then I scramble to get projects done to try and meet some goals but usually that means I scatter between projects#so it takes longer to finish all of them. Like instead of dedicating 8 hours to one thing and finishing it one sitting. I'll do 2 hours on#this then 2 hours on that then 2 hours on another things. so they all get done slower even though I'm still technically making progress on#them all. This is also a very poo poo pee pee stink brain way to work and is not like. the most efficent thing but it's just how my brain#organizes tasks sometimes lol#***#(<ignore this its part of an OCD compulsion lol. anytime you see me type three asterisks I'm not bleeping out a curse word#it's just a Special Secret Foolish Thing I Have To Do At Specific Uncontrolable Times When Brain Says So gbjhhj)#ANYWAY... eeeee#Still haven't resolved my mystery chest injury though so being at te computer for too long is also kind of achey-inducing#Better get over it though because I have like 30+ hours of slideshow vidoe to edit hahaha hee hee hoo!!!!!
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I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
Okay so honestly I have been very very inconsistent over the years with just disappearing for periods of time due to various things 😂 So it probably seemed pretty normal to most people.
But it felt different on my side, so I'm excited to be back in business.
I took a month long hiatus! 31 days of not drawing digital art.
Its not something I talk about on here? But I've been suffering from some serious long term Art Burnout for.... a really really long time. Long enough that I should've taken a break probably years ago. It finally got so bad that I could barely draw. I was scared to do it (cause it always looked "bad" in my eyes [i'll come back to that]) and doing it was exhausting and disheartening.
I talked it over with somebody and realized that the fear and anger and frustration I felt towards my own artwork was uh. Not Normal or Healthy. And I finally committed to taking a real break for once.
I still drew a little bit by hand? Traditional art has always felt like it has lower stakes for me (i don't often share it online, and sometimes I don't even share it with friends) so I did some of that when I felt like it. But Digital art was completely off the table.
I had put such an immense pressure on myself to make my digital art perfect, to make as much of it as quickly as possible to satisfy something. It wasn't fun anymore. I'm proud of what i've made over the years! But for a long time now the stuff I've been making was made while hating every second of making it. With some rare exceptions.
I hated my art! It was a combination of Perfectionism, taking in too many external expectations, and the burnout. If you hate doing something its kinda hard to love it even when you want too lol. It wasn't "Bad" in the sense that the quality was low and it was ugly! It was "Bad" in the sense that it was unhealthy for me to keep doing it at that point in time.
I'm glad to report though, that with my hiatus officially over as of Wednesday last week: I am once again. In Love. With doing art, and being an artist :)
I put off taking a break for years cause I was scared that taking a break would mean that I would never achieve all the things I wanted to do with art. I was scared it was a stupid and lazy thing to do that would mean I'd never achieve my dreams. And Also even though I kinda hated drawing, I also loved making art. Its a weird duality that I can't even really explain??? I hated it but I also loved it. I wanted it but I also wanted to run from it. It wasn't until I was more mature and had more clarity and insight (and unfortunately also until the problems got worse) that I was finally able to let go of those fears and just do it.
And I'm really really glad I did. It was everything I needed. And I hope to strike a better balance in the future with art. Taking more breaks when I need them, or just when other things have my attention like reading or Video games (Some star rail got played during this time xD)
From the outside things probably aren't going to be that different?? At this point I don't really have any sure plans to post anything I've been drawing since my Hiatus ended. I might or I might not xD I'm still a hobbyist artist taking things at her own pace, but I hope that it shows how much happier I am :)
Whumptober 2023 is being officially put to rest by this post btw! I was in major burnout when that event started, and I'm ready to just, move on from all the past expectations I'd shoved on my shoulders. If I feel like filling any of the prompts or going back to any of the ideas I'd come up for it I will! But I'm not going to worry about doing it unless the desire sets in.
Thanks to everybody who's been so kind to me throughout my time on here as an artist! Ya'lls tags and screaming and kind words, the fanfic, the asks and the responses? Its been fantastic :) You guys have made me laugh, smile, and cry tears of joy. I hope from here that things only get better and sweeter! And if I have bad days again, that's okay too.
Here's to 2024 and whatever it may bring ya'll :D 🎉🎉✨✨🧡💜
#isa screams#long post#gif#flashing#i think? Lemme know if I'm incorrect on that one alksdjfLKSJDJDSG#I don't normally talk this much so its kinda strange?#its kinda nice to be more honest about this stuff though#I'm a bit more of a private person so its hard to find the balance between wanting to discuss things openly and honestly#but with the fact that I don't owe the entire world an explanation for everything I do#its a tricky thing#but today I felt like doing this and I think that's okay#if i regret it I just won't do it again alsdjLSDJLFJSGSDG#thanks if you read this! I appreciate it!#I'm a pretty smalltime artist relatively. So sometimes it feels as though it doesn't mater what i say or express.#But hm. I doubt its really that simple or bleak#And if I don't respect myself then well. Who will right?#And I want to learn how to be happy with how little or how much I get#part of the reason I've done so poorly mentally as an artist is chasing numbers and outside praise instead of asking the harder questions#am i happy with what i do? what I make? Who I am#I'm going to probably be working on those questions and problems for the rest of my life.#But thats okay. Thats not a bad thing :)
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