memoria is incredibly close to my heart, but when i listen to it now, it's hard not to think about the undertones re: how therapy as an institution handles disability. maxwell's objective was always to help hera get back to work, to find accommodations she could function under, or otherwise to replace her. "i'm sorry you feel like you can't do your job." maxwell presents her solutions in a less hostile framing, but her methods are the same ones cutter threatens hera with in her live show performance review (re: deleting her memories) and it's something she intends to do regardless of hera's consent. maxwell's practice aligns with goddard's interests, and of course it does. there's something about therapy as maintenance, and the treatment of the disabled mind and/or body as a broken machine.

hera is used to being condescended to and taunted for her limitations ("we all have our limits. you can't do what you can't do. it's not your fault.") and that intersects with her trauma ("i can't do this. i'm not good enough.") in a way that inherently ties her self worth to her ability to be useful and perform a job. as a result, she has a gut reaction to and a resistance to anyone suggesting she might not be capable of something, or that she might need help, and that makes her constantly push herself past her limits, causing real damage. the problem is that hera is disabled, there are things she can't do, and she hasn't been given the security or compassion to really come to terms with that. no amount of ways to manage doing her job will really help the core problem; she needs to be able to separate her concept of self worth from her productivity. "we get things wrong, and we get better." is a nice sentiment, but i think it applies more to interpersonal conflict than physical burnout. hera even directly calls back to and casts doubt on that specific line later in the show.

that's why eiffel matters so much to hera. when eiffel says "you can do anything" - he believes that, he has that kind of sincere faith in all of his friends, but he means it even when it's disproven. he's seen her fail. he's seen her make mistakes. it doesn't matter because it isn't about what he expects of her, it's about who she is to him. minkowski is the commander, even when she's not. hera can do anything, even when she can't. eiffel values people, not their jobs. if hera didn't have a supercomputer for a brain, she would still be the same to him; it's who she is and her companionship that he wants. i'm not saying that what maxwell did for hera was useless - it's effective therapy that gave her a clearer understanding of herself, and a framework to understand what's been happening to her; that's extremely valuable. but that alone would not have been enough. what hera thinks of at the end of memoria, what actually pulls her through, is the support and care that eiffel and minkowski continually show to her.

❄️Todoroki HC's🔥

Aged-up pro hero Shouto. NSFW under the cut. Minors do not interact.

- - -

General

Might as well be tied with Bakugou for the #1 pro hero spot; they seem to pass the crown back and forth every other year. Everyone knows about their intense frenemies uber-rivalry. Well. Everyone but Shouto.

He's asked to speak at a lot of charity events. If he has time to prepare (and hire a speech writer) he is capable of stirring crowds to standing ovations. But if caught unawares... he gets cornered into hilarious on-the-spot interviews. He's been memed. Mercilessly.

He's an OP character, but unfortunately he rolled -500 in fashion sense. Eventually he wises up and hires a stylist. When he finally cuts his hair a slightly different and even more flattering way, it's a national event. People faint in the street.

Does god-awful sleight-of-hand magic tricks when he meets young fans, even though nobody asked him to. The second-hand embarrassment is palpable. But he keeps doing it. God, why does he keep doing it?

Has hovering arm syndrome in every fan photo.

Super into pop music. Not a fan of any particular group or artist, couldn't tell you the name of a single song. But every time he turns up the volume on the radio it's like... really? THIS? Probably pumps that shit through his hero agency to keep up morale. Has no idea what you mean when you tell him his music taste doesn't match his personality.

Similarly, he enjoys brainless romantic comedies and old silent movies. Doesn't laugh at jokes but loses it over physical comedy. Thinks Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd are the funniest people who ever walked the earth.

He's long and limber. Runs practically a hundred miles every day just to "relax." Doesn't even get sweaty doing it. A filthy yoga addict. He'll probably live to be 200 years old.

He can regulate his body temperature for quirk use but in everyday life he's always half a degree outside the Goldilocks zone. It drives him quietly insane; he has an epic love-hate relationship with his thermostat.

Has a therapy animal pet. Doesn't matter if it's a dog or a cat or a bird or an iguana or a teeny tiny rodent. It's the best-behaved animal in the country and speaks more languages than you. It has its own room and an instagram account with millions of followers.

Lives in a traditional Japanese estate that doubles as a national treasure. Probably has government-appointed snipers at the gate, and he's just like, "don't worry about it." You are afraid to touch anything. Fuck, don't even look at anything, just to be safe.

Has an outstanding personal chef who only gets to cook five things unless (thank fuck!!) company comes over. Impossibly picky eater. He rotates between a few "safe" foods and suspiciously side-eyes everything else. If you cook something unfamiliar for him it will be the most awkward meal of your life, because he'd never tell you he doesn't like it. But oh lord, just look at his face.

This clashes directly with his love of traveling. Frequently uses his hero earnings to visit exotic foreign locales over long weekends... but rarely tries the food.

- - -

Dating

A grey-ace demisexual disaster. You could count the number of people he's been attracted to on one hand. He falls madly in love every time and always gets his heart smashed to pieces when his crush can't magically intuit the meaning of his frigid longing glances and generically courteous romantic gestures.

Which is stupid, because he gets propositioned constantly. He can't walk out the door without being flirted with. People keep slipping him their phone numbers and he always directs them to his agency like a moron. It's a good thing he will never understand how attractive he is because that's the only thing keeping him from total world domination.

Conventional attractiveness does not compute. Shouto doesn't have a type, doesn't care that he's an eleven whilst you are merely mortal. He will fall for your personality above all else.

Probably falls head over heels because your schedules overlap in a completely ordinary way and he witnesses you doing something endearing or brave or most likely: utterly mundane.

Pick a favorite, because you're his favorite coworker, or his favorite barista, or his favorite random bystander in line at the grocery store. You made him smile once; then he spent the next three months daydreaming about your future together before you accidentally stomped on his foot, initiating your first real conversation.

He's big on healthy communication. HUGE. He goes to therapy and it shows. Will talk through literally everything to the point of delirium. Sometimes his dedication to resolving every issue right away can get overwhelming; sometimes you just need some frickin time alone. But it pays off, because the two of you have practically never have a "real fight." There's just no way for bad vibes to fester.

STILL, his family wasn't exactly... erm... verbally or emotionally supportive, shall we say. For that reason, he might not give you all the compliments you deserve, because it simply doesn't occur to him to do so. He assumes you know how he feels. If you're self-conscious or insecure in the relationship, it might take him a while to notice. But when he figures it out (or even better, when you tell him directly) he will make it up to you with enthusiasm.

Will take you on lavish dates. Spoils you rotten without actually intending to. He's clueless about money. If you wanted a sugar daddy, you just hit the fucking jackpot. But if the word valet makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggest some romantic picnics instead. He can still go all out with the food and five-star location without making you see cartoon dollar signs.

Chronic Insomniac. Stays up too late watching YouTube every night. His viewing history is an incomprehensible blur of k-pop music videos, serial killer icebergs, and super girly crafty ASMR channels. When he's watching a video, he is unreachable. Please call back later and try again.

He's disgustingly cute when he sleeps. Doesn't snore, but drools. Sometimes the drool freezes and leaves frost trails on his face in the morning. Still sleeps with the giant stuffed cat pillow that his mother gave him when he was like, zero. He'll inadvertently suffocate you with it, and you will welcome death with open arms because awwwwww!!!!!

The first time he tells you he loves you will be after your traditional Japanese shinto wedding. You won't hear it again until you start a family. Honestly, it's a good thing he doesn't say it often and is always holding you when it happens. It's a knee-buckler.

- - -

Icy-Hot

I don't even need to say it. Shouto is as old-fashioned as they come. You will never open another door or pull out another chair for yourself as long as you live. He will ask before he holds your hand. He will ask before he kisses you. He will stop and check in if you so much as breathe funny during sex.

If you don't orgasm at exactly the same time while staring into one another's eyes, he'll consider himself a failed lover. God forbid you want him to pound you into the futon... cause you are going to have to present that scenario to him in writing first.

Physical intimacy rarely leads to sex. He loves cuddling, craves physical affection. He'll sprawl all over you and turn into goo while you hold him close. He's an amazing, astounding, phenomenally good kisser. And that's... nice and all... but sometimes you have to grab his face and say, "Shouto, I'm horny," before he's like so that's why you're currently dry-humping me?

Even if he isn't technically a virgin the first time (or the millionth time) you sleep together, you won't know the difference. He's a blushing violet. Every. Fucking. Time. This doesn't mean he's a bad lay, oh no. But there's always ten minutes of confused bumbling before he hits his stride and remembers oh yeah, I DO know how to fuck good.

Absolutely silent during sex. Focused. Intense. Sometimes you have to push him a little to make any kind of noise at all, just so you know you're pleasing him (oh don't worry, you are).

His cock is Just Right. Not to big or too small. Perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Somehow pretty. Like a fucking factory prototype. It truly is not fair.

Gets handsy and restless at night, even if you both have work the next day. Seems to crave sex at three in the morning. You've given him more than one exhausted handjob.

Gets offended if you don't cum. Will go down on you for hours. Of course he uses his quirk to tease you. He doesn't typically use it during actual intercourse, but he's all about foreplay, and he'll use every tool in his arsenal.

His sex drive is completely fucking unpredictable. Sometimes he's all over you, other times he's an icy slab. His line of work leaves him busy and stressed on a near-constant basis, so you can't entirely blame his personality for this one. Just give him some time and help him take care of his basic needs. He'll come back around soon enough.

10 Sebastian roles as boyfriends

Because... I'm bored and I feel like it. 😂 Probably some spoilers for, like... everything? So yeah... That.

Putting it under here for easy scrolling:

10: Chase Collins

Who doesn't love a goofball? In the first half of the movie, Chase is basically perfect. He's sweet, funny, not all caught up in his ego, and actually pays attention to what the girls around him are saying, not just to what he wants to hear. If not for the whole... it was all an act to get close to Caleb and try to steal his magic thing, Chase would actually be a damn good high school boyfriend. He's adorable and would be a fun date, but he's also only 18 so best not to start making long-term plans lol. Also, y'know... the whole psycho revenge/power grab thing.

9 Jack Benjamin

Y'all. Y'all. Words cannot describe how much I love Jack. Pretty sure I've made this clear. As a person/character in general, he's absolutely in my Top 3 - not just of Sebastian's characters, but any character ever. ❤ But as a boyfriend? Boy's got baggage. It's what makes me so protective of him, but seeing as how he's trapped in the closet thanks to his overbearing homophobic family and the insane expectations heaped on him, as the show left him, he can't handle an honest relationship. He's too easily influenced by all the wrong people, poor babe.

8 Chris (Destroyer)

On paper, undercover cop sounds cool and exciting, but even if you ignore the fact that he, y'know, dies... Chris got in too deep and kinda lost the mission, so to speak. Best case scenario, you're his sexy partner and in on it all with him and end up on the lam for the rest of your lives. Worst case, this man lies for a living, so can you even trust him? And... yeah. The whole dead thing. Chris is hot af but getting involved with him is a recipe for disaster.

7 Ben

Min and Hathor have mercy, I love Ben! He's smart, he's snarky, he's caring and loyal... he's an absolute disaster. He's another one who seems allergic to honesty, until his lying and avoiding nearly kill his girlfriend. Not exactly relationship goals lol. Everything before totally was, though! Ben's adorable, and I love how he stayed up all night to protect his girlfriend (from a ghost/demon thing... with a baseball bat. I said he was smart, not perfect, okay? XD points for effort lol)

6 Mickey Henry

I. LOVE. MICKEY. Oml I love Mickey. He's a spazz and - even more so than Ben - an absolute disaster of a human being, but I love him. Pros for dating Mickey Henry: he's fun, he's carefree, he'll cook for you even though he's kinda bad at it lol, he loves his son and wants to be a good dad, he wants his partner to be happy and to love life as much as he does. Cons, and the reason he's not higher on the list: He's a pushover; easily influenced by the toxic people in his life, and it gets him into a lot of trouble. Being easily influenced by toxic dumpster fire of a human being Chloe almost lost him the partial custody of his son that he barely even had. He's an absolute sweetheart, but he's a complete man-child, and dating him would often feel more like raising him.

5 Frank "Suffer Buddy"

Come on! You know he and Mickey had to be back-to-back - they're practically the same character! 😂 Frank is Mickey... slightly more grown up. He's still a disaster, but he's respectful of boundaries, he's caring, he's funny in a dry, witty way that I just adore, and hoo lordy that man is a giver! 🥴🥵 Honestly, if he didn't smoke and didn't ditch Daphne in the middle of a party hours away from everything familiar to her surrounded by strangers to go do drugs, I'd call Frank perfect. He listened, he respected her wishes, he tried to keep some distance between them when he found out she'd gone on a date with his best friend (it failed utterly and brought us to the "damn that man's good with his mouth" portion of the movie lmao but still)... I don't have a whole lot of experience with men who actually give a shit, okay? So Frank is like a goddamn unicorn to me lmao. But that drug thing... That keeps him at the bottom of the Top 5 for me. Sorry, bb

4 Bucky

I can already hear everyone on here raging at me for placing Bucky so low on this list, but hear me out: I love this man. I love all four iterations of this man. Flirty 40s Bucky was a doll (fun date, not commitment material). Post-POW camp 40s Bucky had a fire to him that set me on fire. The Winter Soldier can choke me any damn day. Unf. And TFATWS Bucky... Oh, lady above, 2023 Bucky is a gem! He's sweet, snarky, and broken. He feels utterly, wretchedly alone in the world, and everyone around him, including his only friend, is telling him to "man up" and "make amends" for shit that was never his fault to begin with, rather than helping him come to terms with all that he's suffered and all that he's survived. Bucky needs and deserves love. A relationship with him would be so solid, if he found the right person... But it would take a fuck ton of work. He needs someone strong, patient, and more stubborn than he is to prod him until he finds a better therapist and actually opens up, and to keep him on track because even good therapy comes with homework. He does have to "do the work," Sam was right about that much, but he was way off base with what that "work" is. Bucky needs help and understanding, and he would be an amazing boyfriend... if he found someone with the strength to help him weather his nightmares and flashbacks, and help pull him out of this PTSD pit he's been in since 1943.

3 Chris Beck

Big brains turn me on, okay? 😂This man is an astronaut and a surgeon! Yes, please! Come here, you sexy genius! He's smart, he's funny - pretty sure Sebastian is incapable of playing anyone who's not delightfully snarky lol. He's pragmatic when he needs to be but there's also nothing he wouldn't do or risk for the ones he loves. This man is husband material and I cannot be convinced otherwise! So why isn't he #1? Cuz of the whole... spending years in space, thing. Super cool job and I'd be his biggest fan on the ground, but god damn, I would miss him while he's away!

2 TJ Hammond

Look, I'm gender fluid and he's a little bit bi 😂😂😂 Let me have my fantasy, okay? TJ's definitely got a lot of shit to work through, but love brings out the best in him. Before that fucking closeted shitbag broke his heart and stomped on it for good measure, TJ was clean and sober for months, he was happy, he was playing piano again, he was pulling himself together. Not only would he be an amazing boyfriend, but his partner would get the extra joy of getting to watch their love and devotion to him be the thing that saves this beautiful man's life. It's not healthy overall to tie your self worth and will to live to a relationship, but if he found the right person who would be there for him through all of life's shit and stick it out, I think he'd be okay. Even after his lowest point and without the support of his family, TJ still had a dream and he still chased it. He's not just the sweetest person to ever grace our screens, but he's ambitious and business-savvy, too. Keep him off drugs and watch this man take over the world, I'm telling you!

So why is TJ only #2? Well, besides the fact that he's like 99% gay and I have no bits he'd be interested in lmao, there's also the fact that this guy owns my heart:

1 Will Franklyn

And not just because we get to see him wet and mostly naked lol. Will is fucking perfect. I would die for this man... because he's already shown that he would die for his love. He almost fucking did, and they weren't even together yet! He's smart and very aware, he's a writer so we'd get to bond/geek out over books together, he's not all full of himself (self-deprecating humor ftw!) and he's willing to help a total stranger despite actual mortal peril, just because it's the right thing to do. Fierce, intelligent, sassy, strong-willed, and a flawless moral compass? YESYESYESYESYES! Forget boyfriend - let me MARRY this man! 😍🥰

Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Season 6 Retrospective

After the euphoria of everything that happened with B99 being cancelled and then revived, B99 returning for a season 6 felt like a gift. Basically a bonus in a way. It was a quasi relaunch of the show in NBC and I have to say that NBC promoted it a lot more than I remember Fox promoting it. Having finished season 6, it is a mixed bag. The season has a lot of really great episodes, a few mediocre ones, and one that I despise with every fiber of my being. And because of those handful of episodes that don't live up to the mark, season 6 ranks as my least favorite season. However, B99 even at its worst is considerably better than almost everything else on tv so its not a very heavy criticism of the season as a whole.

The previous season left the question of Holt becoming Commissioner unanswered. And while it would have been interesting to see B99 tackle Holt becoming Commissioner, it would have fundamentally been impossible to continue it as a singular workplace comedy if Holt and maybe Gina were working elsewhere permanently. So it was obvious he was not going to become Commissioner. The premiere is a delight. Its a honeymoon episode for Jake and Amy with a depressed Holt right in the middle of it. This episode is has plenty of great moments for Holt's variety of novelty t-shirts, to Jake and Amy's Die Hard roleplay, to Amy standing up for Jake and going off on Holt, to the hilarious 'this B needs a C in her A' moment which was clearly the writers having a lot of fun with having lesser language restrictions. The B and C stories are ok, but the A story is a delight. The next episode is a Hitchcock and Scully episode which is nice because we get to see them as studs in the 80's. There is a problem that it does not match up to flashbacks they have done in the past but I kind of ignore that. The next two episodes are dealing with Chelsea Peretti's departure from the show. Tbh, when Chelsea was on maternity leave for the first half of season 5, I didn't really feel her absence. Plus, it did start to feel at times that the writers weren't sure how to include her organically. The Tattler is a cute episode. I love the 90's look of the episode. Melissa Fumero looked adorable. Its probably one of the best Jake and Gina episodes, a dynamic which was strangely underserevd over the course of the show given Andy and Chelsea are childhood friends. But this episode and also their stuff in 'Four Movements' bring up the best in their dynamic. 'Four Movements' is a sweet goodbye although i wish Terry and Boyle had gotten a personal goodbye like Holt, Jake, Amy, and Rosa got.

The season's main storyline is Holt's fight with John Kelly, the new Commissioner. I thought Phil Reeves was pretty damn great as John Kelly. He was just slimy enough to know why he got on Holt's nerves and still charming enough so you could see why other people might like him if they didn't know him. The show continues to do some strong experiments. I love 'The Crime Scene', which is very much centered on Jake and Rosa. The episode doesn't have any B plots and just lets Any and Stephanie carry the episode with a fun appearance from Michael Mosley. It also effectively resolved the pending story from season 5 regarding the issues between Rosa and her mom since she came out as Bi. In terms of platonic friendships between a guy and girl, I feel Jake and Rosa is one of the most well created friendships I have seen on tv. There is also a real time episode in 'Ticking Clocks' guest starring Sean Astin, who was one of the celebrities who championed B99 when it was cancelled. I enjoyed that episode quite a bit because it got the whole ensemble involved. My only issue with it is that it made me dislike Jocelyn. I didn't like the way she broke up with Rosa on her way to the airport and put Rosa under the pump when she saw that they were in a high pressure situation. Holt was pretty right to be mad at the end of the episode. the show also tackled sexual assault with 'He Said, She Said' which is a home run in terms of acting performance for Melissa Fumero. Definitely some of her best dramatic work on the show. She's very ably backed up by Andy Samberg and Stephanie Beatriz who also directed the episode. The episode isn't a complete home run because there is a tonal inconsistency. Its a tough subject to be funny about. There is B plot that is completely unrelated connected to Holt's pursuit of the Yo Yo strangler and its a hoot. But it clashes in tone with the A plot which is pretty serious for the most part. Whereas an episode like Moo Moo managed to connect both the A and B stories with the single topic with Jake and Amy having to explain to Terry's kids about Racism. But honestly, this was about as well an episode on this topic that I can imagine.

The middle of the season is when the show hit a bit of rough patch, starting with Gintars. I like what the episode says about adoption and it was refreshing to see Charles be more assertive to Jake, but the whole deportation angle left a bit of a sour taste in the mouth. The B plot also has Holt and Amy being uncharacteristically mean spirited and while they apologize to Rosa at the end, the episode didn't make it feel they actually learned their lesson. The Therapist is kind of meh. Its another Jake going behind Charles' back episode. While the episode comes around at the end by giving a reason why Jake doesn't like therapy and Jake admitting that he needs to got to therapy, the rest of the episode involves a lot of jokes at patients and therapists which just isn't all that funny. Casecation is my least favorite episode on the show. Its an episode that is so tone deaf and inconsistent in characterization that it just irritates me. The rewatch is only the 2nd time I have watched the episode. I tend to skip it during the rewatches. Its bizarre how badly OOC almost every character is. I think Terry and Charles are the only ones who aren't OOC. While Jake's fears about parenthood are grounded in realistic concerns, we have had several moments where Jake has talked about having kids in the future. So the fact that he comes off as not wanting kids is inconsistent with what we know of him. I was not surprised with Amy being pro family, coming from a big family herself, but the fact that an organized person like her didn't outright have this conversation with Jake before marriage is not believable at all. The episode is also really mean spirited. The structured debate part has Amy, Holt, Kevin etc... all making fun of Jake's fears, Amy being emotionally manipulative and issuing ultimatums, Rosa offering to bully Jake into agreeing with Amy. In general, this maybe the only episode where I disliked Amy, whom I otherwise adore. I understand her perspective, but the way she handles it is unkind. I could honestly go on a long diatribe about why the episode is terrible. In the end, the mean spirited nature of the episode is what turns me off because the thing I love about B99 as a whole is the optimistic and idealistic nature of the show. Gina's return in 'Return of the King' is also not a favorite. Again, the episode just makes Gina look like a bad friend for blowing off Jake and Terry without explanation for so long.

However, thankfully, these 4 episodes are just a blip on the radar. The rest of the episodes are filled with a lot of hilarity. The Bimbo is one of my favorite Holt episodes. Jake and Holt is a dynamic that can never go wrong. Add Kevin to the mix and you have solid gold. Holt as "the bimbo" is a damn funny idea and its executed brilliantly. Cinco de Mayo is the first heist episode not on Halloween and its my third favorite. Mainly because I always root for terry since he always gets underestimated or made fun of during the heists. The Golden Child brings Lin-Manuel Miranda, another B99 celebrity fan, in as Amy's brother and its a lot of fun to watch Jake play the straight man whereas we see Amy being the crazy competitive one with Lin being up to the challenge as well. Craig Robinson makes a welcome return as Doug Judy, and The Honeypot is another hilarious Jake and Holt episode. The season ends really strong with Sicko and The Suicide Squad, bringing back Caleb the cannibal, Wuntch, The Vulture, and CJ. CJ is still a bit much but the others are all a hoot. It was nice to see Wuntch on the right side of things for once and we yet again see why Jake is considered the best and brightest of the 99 with his plan to take down John Kelly. The season doesn't have a cliffhanger, more a rejigging of the 99 dynamic with Holt being demoted to patrol officer temporarily.

Overall, it still a fun season. But the four episodes that didn't work bring the grade down a bit. Its a 7.5/10 overall. Now, onto season 7 with just days left before season 8 begins.

Thoughts on 2018

No need for me to be fancier than that!  And yeah I realize that nobody should be using Tumblr any more but until I figure out a proper revive of my old Wordpress site, this will do for now.

So anyway: I wrote this up for a private email list reflecting on the end of the year in terms of things I especially enjoyed culturally. Well, why not share it?

My year went very well — steady at work and in life, being 47 means more aches and pains but you have to learn to live with it.  The state of the world is something else again of course and we need not spend more time on the blazingly obvious.  That said, the history bug in me has been constantly intrigued by the slow drip of the investigations (and revelations) and were it all fiction, I’d be thoroughly enthralled instead of quietly apprehensive, of course.  November did provide some partial relief on that front so bring on the new year.  In terms of my own written work, nothing quite equalled my heart/soul going into last year’s Algiers feature for NPR, but my two big Quietus pieces this year — on Gary Numan’s Dance  and Ralph Bakshi’s Lord of the Rings  — were treats to write, while my presentation on the too-obscure Billy Mackenzie at PopCon was a great experience.

In terms of music this has been one of the most concert-heavy years I’ve spent.  Even having moved to SF in 2015 I only did the occasional show every so often — there was so much going on (even in a local scene lots of long-timers say has been irrevocably changed) that I was almost spoiled for choice, and part of me also just wanted to relax most nights.  But deaths like Prince’s and Bowie’s among many others served as a reminder that there’s no such thing as forever, and you never know what the last chance will be.  More veteran acts than younger ones in the end for me — greatest missed concert regrets this year included serpentwithfeet, Lizzo, Perfume Genius and Emma Ruth Rundle among the younger acts, while being ill when Orbital came through will be a lingering annoyance, still having never seen them live.  But the huge amount of shows I did see outweighed that, ranging from big arena stops like Fleetwood Mac to celebratory open-air free shows like Mexican Institute of Sound to small club sets by folks like Kinski, Six Organs of Admittance, Kimbra and many more, including, for the first time in years, a show in the UK, specifically a great performance by Roddy Frame of Aztec Camera.  If I absolutely had to grade my top picks among shows, Cruel Diagonals, Johnny Marr, Wye Oak, Peter Brotzmann/Keiji Haino, John Zorn/Terry Riley/Laurie Anderson, Laurie Anderson again separately, Nine Inch Nails, VNV Nation, Jarvis Cocker, Beak and, in terms of no real expectations turning into utter delight and thrills, a brilliant set by Lesley Rankine under her Ruby guise, with Martin Atkins on drums.  Best damn combination of righteous ire, hilarious raconteurism and compelling, unique approaches to how performance can work I’d seen in a while.  (As for recorded music in general, uh, endless?)

TV, as ever a bit sporadic, with a few things on my to-do list — still need to catch The Terror for sure, and what I saw of The Alienist looked good; I love both books so I need to see how it all worked out, similarly with the just-dropped version of Watership Down.  Pose I definitely need to catch up with since it sounds like Ryan Murphy stood out of the way to let the best possible team do the business on it, but my real unexpected delight of a show this year was also Murphy-based, American Crime Story: The Assassination of Gianni Versace.  While not down the line perfect, it was absolutely more compelling than not, and in fact at its best was a shuddering combination of amazing music cue choices, a reverse structure that helped undercut any attempt at making Cunanan seem sympathetic or an antihero, and, at its considerable best, a ratcheting up of terror and horror that a friend said was almost Kubrickian, and I would have to agree.  And, frankly, Darren Criss really did the business as Cunanan, a controlled and powerful turn. Only a few of us seemed to be following it at the time, but when it scored all those Emmys, then while it was as much a reflection of Murphy’s status, it honestly felt well deserved.  Meantime, you’ll pry my addiction to all the RuPaul’s Drag Race incarnations from my cold dead hands but it’s the amazing online series that Trixie Mattel and Katya do, UNHhhh, which remains my comedy highlight of the year, with at least a few jaw-dropping/seize up laughing every episode. (Kudos as well for Brad Jones’s The Cinema Snob, ten years running online and still funny as fuck while digging up all kinds of cinematic horrors.) Also, tying back into music a bit, late recommendation for something you can only see on UK TV/streaming so far, but get yourself a VPN and seek out Bros: After the Screaming Stops, in which the two brothers in the late-80s monster hit pop band Bros (never had any traction here but pretty much owned the entire Commonwealth and beyond) try for a comeback.  It’s an unintentionally hilarious and harrowing portrait of two twins who have a LOT of issues, have clearly been through a LOT of therapy, but are still…not quite there.  UK friends said it was a combination of Spinal Tap, Alan Partridge and David Brent and they were ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. 

Movies, less specifically to choose from — I remain an essentially sporadic populist when it comes to what I see in theaters, but I can say for sure that Spider-man: Into the Spiderverse is a hell of a thing and will almost certainly prove to be a real year-zero moment down the line.  Possibly the most affecting watch was Bohemian Rhapsody, in that I also saw this in the UK — in Brighton, which besides making me think of the band’s song “Brighton Rock” is also notably the country’s most LGBT-friendly city; those I was with felt the movie’s themes, successes and flaws/elisions deeply, and the constant discussion of it for the next few days was very rewarding. As for books, John Carreyrou’s Bad Blood, delving into Theranos and the amoral duo behind it, was properly enraging and compelling, while Beth Macy’s Dopesick, if not perfect, nonetheless adds to the good literature on the opioid crisis, while as ever indirectly calling into question who’s getting the focus and care now as opposed to in earlier times and places. My favorite music publications as such probably remain the two I most regularly write for, The Quietus and Daily Bandcamp, while Ugly Things is the print publication that I most look forward to with each issue, and am never disappointed. 

Podcasts now consist of a lot of my regular cultural engagement, kinda obvious but nonetheless true.  Long running faves include My Favorite Murder — Karen and Georgia are an amazing comedy team who have figured out how to reinterpret their anxieties in new ways — The Vanished, which at its best often casts a piercing eye on how official indifference from law enforcement is almost as destructive as their more obvious abuses (recent discovery The Fall Line does this as well, even more explicitly), Karina Longworth’s constantly revelatory Hollywood histories You Must Remember This, Patrick Wyman’s enjoyable history dives on Tides of History, my friend Chris Molanphy’s constantly excellent investigations into music chart history Hit Parade, the great weekly movie chats by MST3K vets Frank Conniff and Trace Beaulieu along with Carolina Hidalgo on Movie Sign With the Mads, and The Age of Napoleon, which really has hit my history wonk sweet spot.  New to me this year was It’s Just a Show,  a really wonderful episode by episode — but not in exact order — deep dive into every episode of MST3K ever, by two fun and thoughtful Canadian folks, Adam Clarke and Beth Martin. (Adam also cohosts a new podcast, A Part of Our Scare-itage, specifically looking at Canadian horror. It’s not just Cronenberg!). Among the excellent one-off series this year: American Fiasco by Men in Blazers’ Roger Bennett on the failed US World Cup attempt in 1998, Dear Franklin Jones, a story about the narrator’s experience growing up in a California cult and how his parents came to be followers in the first place, and the Boston Globe’s Gladiator, their audio accompaniment to their in-depth story of the life and ultimate fate of Aaron Hernandez. Finally, totally new series this year that quickly got added to my regular listening: American Grift, a casual and chatty look at various scams and schemes, overseen by Oriana Schwindt, The Eurowhat?, a running look at the Eurovision competition throughout the year from the perspective of two American fans, and The Ace Records Podcast, an often engaging series of one-off interviews with various musicians, fans and so forth by UK writer Pete Paphides (I highly recommend the interviews with Jon Savage and Sheila B). Hands down my two favorite totally new podcasts of the year were The Dream, a more formal story of American grifting in general hosted by Jane Marie — this first season’s focus was on multilevel marketing, and Marie and company’s careful way of seemingly backing into the larger story makes it all the more compelling and ultimately infuriating, especially in the current political climate — and the hilarious Race Chasers, a RuPaul’s Drag Race-celebrating podcast by two veterans of the show, Alaska and Willam, loaded with all kinds of fun, behind the scenes stuff, guests and an easy casualness from two pros that strikes the perfect balance between going through things and just shooting the shit.  Returning podcast I’m most looking forward to next year: the second season of Cocaine and Rhinestones, hands down.  Check out the first season for sure.

And there ya go!  Keep fighting all your respective good fights.

Ohmygod I love podcasts!!! Can you rec me some? It's hard to find good ones sometimes.

YES! I CAN! 

i’ve been knee deep in podcasts for about three months now, and i have, apparently, wide and varying interests, so i’ll put a little descriptor of each. also, i listen to podcasts on the Stitcher app, but i think all of these are on itunes if you prefer that, and i linked the websites if you want more info. 

DARK STUFF

my favorite murder - this is 100% my favorite podcast now, but the first time i listened to it, i had to switch it off. start from the newest episodes, get a feel for it, and then you can go back and start at episode one, which is still interesting but before the hosts really find their footing. basically, karen and georgia are two friends who love true crime, so they talk about their favorite weird murders and mysteries. it’s dark, but it’s also really funny (they’re both comedians) and i think they learned to really strike a balance between jokes and the serious stuff. they’re also super feminist – their sign-off at the end of each episode is “stay sexy, don’t get murdered.” 

someone knows something - canadian investigative journalist david ridgen tackles unsolved mysteries, one story per season. if you like documentaries, you’ll like how this podcast is set up. ridgen interviews witnesses, friends, families, police officers – basically everyone around the cases he’s looking into. it unfolds like a story and you really feel like you’re right in the middle of it. you don’t have to start at season one, but definitely start at episode one of whichever season you pick, because these are episodic and won’t make sense if you go backwards. 

lore - this podcast is SO GOOD, and it’s actually just been turned into a short miniseries on amazon prime that is incredibly creepy and well done. lore is written by a horror author, aaron mahnke, who takes you through the scariest stories and legends, and how they came to be part of our world. the first episode is about vampires, and it legitimately has such a twist ending that i screamed. if you like spooky, mythology and legend and history-based stuff, this is the best. 

LEARN STUFF

literature and history - think about your favorite dorky teacher who makes ridiculous jokes and is so. genuine about learning and teaching that you get interested in the subject because he’s so interested in the subject. now imagine that guy was a harvard professor who totally knows his shit and he starts a podcast. starting from the beginning of history, this guy takes you through the pieces of writing that have changed the world. he’s super soothing and i’ve already read a couple of books he recommended. definitely start at episode one for this one, chronology is important and he builds on each episode. 

no such thing as a fish - if you like dry british humor and trivia, this is the one you’ll want. the writers of the super famous british panel show QI (the show stephen fry hosted) talk about their favorite random facts that they discovered and researched that week. super funny, and you’re still learning. 

good night stories for rebel girls - if you are a strong woman or love strong women or want to someday be a strong woman, listen to this podcast. this is still relatively new, but the format is amazing: the writers and hosts turned the stories of real women throughout history into fairytales. incredibly inspiring, and you get to learn about awesome women you might have only vaguely heard of. 

nancy - the best lgbtq podcast you could ask for. lgbtq people, stories, histories, pop culture, and interviews that will absolutely have you bawling. this is an NPR podcast, so it’s interview-heavy, but the subjects are handled well and there’s no queer tragedy here, it’s all very hopeful and realistic without being pessimistic. 

ENTERTAINMENT STUFF

ID10T - this used to be called nerdist, and it’s hosted by chris hardwick, the guy who used to host @midnight on comedy central. basically, hardwick and either his cohosts or a famous person – as of this post, the last guest was antonio banderas – talk about ~~nerd things of the week: movies, comics, video games, tv shows, etc. etc. it’s basically just pop culture, at this point (because video games aren’t just for nerds anymore, kiddos), but what’s fun about it is that hardwick is incredibly unapologetic about absolutely loving the things he loves. it’s more fun to listen to this guy geek out about stuff than listening to other people find ways to criticize the things you love, i promise.  

gilmore guys - pretty much what it says on the tin - two guys watch gilmore girls and talk about each episode. you’re probably wondering why you would want to listen to some random guys talking about a show you (presumably) love, but they’re really careful to stay away from anything mansplain-y or judgmental. one of the guys, kevin, is a huge gilmore girls fan, and the other host, demi, is watching for the first time, so it’s interesting to hear their discussions, especially regarding race, homophobia, and a lot of other issues that the the show writers tiptoe around. definitely don’t start at season one for this show – it’s super rough and there’s even a little minute-long intro on the very first episode that says so. start at about season three, there’s not a lot you’ll miss and they’ve got a rhythm down by that point. 

STRAIGHT UP STORIES 

welcome to night vale - if you’ve been anywhere near podcasts or, tbh, tumblr, for the last few years, you’re probably at least slightly aware of WTNV. in all honesty, it lives up to the hype. it’s not scary so much as unsettling, very southwest gothic and supernatural. WNTV is the story of a strange town in the middle of the desert, told to you by cecil, the town’s local radio broadcaster. cecil tells you all about what’s going on in night vale, from the shadowy city council who sends monsters after people they disagree with, to the radio station’s cat floating in the bathroom, to old woman josie’s angels that hang out in her house. it’s interesting because, underneath all the unsettling creepiness, it’s super feminist, super pro-lgbtq rights, and super anti-authority/anti-establishment. if nothing else, cecil’s voice is one of the most soothing of all the podcast voices, and the quality of the writing and acting is superb from episode one. 

wooden overcoats - hands down one of the funniest dramedies i’ve ever seen or listened to. wooden overcoats is the story of a tiny british island, where brother and sister rudyard and antigone funn run the island’s only funeral home, at least until a guy named eric chapman moves his own funeral home in right across the street and ruins everything for them. everyone, from the mayor down to antigone herself, falls head over heels for chapman, and rudyard has to find a way to keep the family business running even though he’s not very good at his job and would prefer to do as little as possible. the voice acting is SUPERB, and i genuinely mean it’s hilarious, with lots of gallows humor and funny timing. 

the penumbra podcast - the penumbra is a hotel in the middle of nowhere, and every person staying there has a story. some of the stories are one-offs, and some of them, like the story of juno steel, space private eye, are recurring. it’s very old-timey radio style, lots of noir monologues and humphrey bogart-esque one-liners. some of the early episodes are rough, but they’ve actually gone back and re-recorded the juno steel ones, so they’ll be the best to start with. 

the bright sessions - do you like superheroes? do you like the dark side of superhero stories, where people with powers have to deal with being different and strange and emotional all while trying not to accidentally time travel or read someone else’s mind? this one’s for you. the bright sessions are therapy sessions between dr. bright and her patients, who are atypicals, or, basically, superheroes without the spandex. dr. bright helps her patients work on controlling their powers, all while a shady secret government organization watches overhead. you’ll want to start from episode one on this story, but you’ll probably immediately have a favorite patient. 

the bridge - another not so creepy, but more unsettling podcast. set in a slightly-different alternate universe where there’s a hundreds-of-miles-long bridge that stretches across the atlantic ocean from the united states to europe, you join a bored traffic reporter as she tells stories from other watch towers and stations along the bridge, which, after decades of use, is mostly abandoned. all the while, creepy stuff starts happening on her watch, and she and the other bridge employees have to figure out if they’re really in danger, or if they’ve been at sea too long. 

the truth - a lot like the penumbra podcast, the truth is a collection of short stories, acted out like actual movies. the first one caught and hooked me – what would’ve happened if apollo 11 didn’t land on the moon, and instead became the first space tragedy? the stories are (again, i have a pattern) dark but funny, and they’re incredibly creative. 

PODCASTS I HAVEN’T STARTED, BUT THAT ARE ON MY LIST: 

you must remember this - classic stories from the classic hollywood era, from marilyn monroe to charles manson and a lot more early stars we’ve completely forgotten about. 

wolf 359 - stories set in a space station floating out in the middle of nowhere, the crew of wolf 359 search for alien life and try not to die lightyears away from home. 

alice isn’t dead - made by the creators of welcome to night vale, so i’m sure this is good. alice is a truck driver who has to road trip around the country (and beyond) to find her missing wife.

the podcast history of our world - a lot like literature & history, this guy is just so excited to teach that he makes you excited to learn. he’s also really good about covering underrepresented people, which is more interesting than learning yet again about history from the side of colonizers.

EOS 10 - i have at least listed to the first episode of this, so i can confirm what everyone says: this is basically the show scrubs, set in space. a lot of doctors who think they know what they’re doing but are really on their own with no clue what to do.

heaven’s gate - more true crime! heaven’s gate was a cult that committed mass suicide in 1997. the host dives into the lives of the cult members to prove that anyone could’ve been caught up in the story.

if anyone has any recs, i’m happy to add to my list!

So that’s what I’m gonna do.

Let’s get the Night Vale presents stuff out of the way because I think those are the most well-known things, and, while good podcasts, probably the least interesting for a rec list.

  Welcome to Night Vale is probably the podcast that got a ton of people, including myself, into podcasts in the first place. If you don’t know, WTNV is a fictional radio show about a little desert town and the strange things that happen it. It’s super queer, quirky, and has some really good creepy moments. Librarians scare me because of this show.

I don’t really keep caught-up on this, but I do listen to a bunch at once every so often and catch up. With 154 episodes, a couple bonus episodes, and a bunch of live-shows, you’ve got a lot of backlog to keep you busy. Start at the beginning, though.

Alice Isn’t Dead is a horror podcast about a woman who sees her supposedly dead wife on a news broadcast and sets off to try and find her. And it only gets weirder from there. This series has an episode that has creeped me out more than anything else I’ve probably ever listened to. There are three seasons with ten episodes each, plus some bonus episodes. The series has been completed.

Within the Wires is a dystopian science fiction series about a strange alternate reality world. Season One is told through a series of relaxation tapes. Season Two is a set of art museum tour tapes. Season Three is a collected group of audio notations from a man to his secretary.

I’m a pretty big fan of this one, honestly. I don’t love the second season, but it’s still very solid and the third is super interesting. This is a very strange world, and I really like it.

Each season tells a separate story, but they do all take place in the same world. Very queer, as expected from Night Vale Presents, honestly, with a neat bonus being season 3 being narrated by a trans narrator. Ten episodes each season, and season four started September 2019.

Let’s talk about some of my other favourite things!

The Black Tapes was one of the first non-Night Vale podcasts I listened to and it’s still one of my favourites. Funny story, I thought this was going to be a non-fiction podcast. I mixed it up in my head with… Lore! It was totally Lore. Oh, I forgot I listened to a bit of that. So, in my head, this become a non-fiction podcast about urban lengends the way Lore is non-fiction about scary stories/historical events/whatever Lore’s deal is, I didn’t actually listen to that much of it.

And, boy, was I confused after the first episode. Or two. Eventually I realized this is a fiction horror podcast about journalist Alex Reagan’s research into Dr. Richard Strand’s work debunking paranormal activity – specifically the cases he has not been able to debunk. (Strand is basically a fictional version of James Randi, who’s an interesting dude.)

It begins as kind of a Monster of the Week story, but eventually expands from that into bigger arcs in a very natural way. It’s one that manages to balance telling the story without losing sight of where they started out. The third season is a little underwhelming, which sucks as it’s currently also the last season, but I suspect they might be working on things behind the scenes. There’s rumours about NBC working on a TV series, and also rumours about a fourth season. I would support that. It’s one of my favourites.

There’s also a series that takes place in the same universe called TANIS, and I think RABBITS is in the same universe too, but I wasn’t really super into either of those. This, however, is a big favourite.

The Bright Sessions is a science fiction podcast about therapy for people with psychic powers, or as the podcasts says, the strange and unusual. I am also strange and unusual, so I liked this. This is a very positive podcast. It does go a whole lot into a strange world and has some really exciting plotpoints, but a lot of it is just about healing and growth. It made my heart do things a bunch. Not a scary one.

Relevant to my book people, there is a YA book featuring two of the characters coming out (whenever) and I have an eARC of it so you might be seeing a review of that soon. Hopefully.

This also has a ton of queer rep, including an explictly ace character. It also has a musical episode. Yes, that’s as cool as it sounds. There are 64 episodes, plus a bunch of bonus episodes. There’s also a spin-off series but it’s behind a paywall so I haven’t checked it out. This is a satisfying complete series without it.

ars PARADOXICA is a science fiction podcast about Sally Grissom, a physicist who accidentally invents time travel and sends herself back to 1943. And then it gets really weird. If you really like science fiction, this is the one I’d recommend the most. It’s very important to listen to this one in order, as it’s very plot heavy.

This is also way more queer than you’d expect a podcast set in the 40s to be. Sally is explictly asexual and heavily aro-coded, and there are several other major queer characters. Honestly this just has decent representation in general, and most of it is handled in a very sensitive way. A lot of things like racism or antisemitism aren’t just brushed aside as being “Well, it’s the 40s”.

Partway through this, there is a plot involving gun violence. The creators talk about their decision whether to include it or not, and they begin to give content warnings before each episode when needed. I really appreciated that.

This series is complete at thirty-six episodes, with a couple bonus episodes. There’s also a crossover episode between this and the Bright Sessions.

Now, if you’ve never listened to a podcast before and you’re a little intimidated by the idea of getting into something really long and involved, I’d recommend this next podcast.

The Message is basically a mini-series. It’s a science-fiction podcast that, and no one is going to get this reference, kind of reminded me of the movie Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invasion. My brain makes weird leaps sometimes. We all kind of just need to run with it.

Produced by GE, it tells the story of a college student making a podcast following the team tasked with decoding a message sent to earth by aliens seventy years ago. There are only 8 episodes, and most of them are only about 10 minutes, so this is a very good beginner podcast.

Not a super queer podcast, but there is a nonbinary character among the main cast.

I also listened to GE’s second podcast, Life-After, but I wasn’t as big a fan of that. The two are not related storywise.

The Far Meridian is another one I think is pretty approachable for beginners. The episodes tend to be under twenty minutes. And this one is more of a fantasy podcast than science-fiction like a lot of the others have been. I would almost say this has a bit of a magical realism theme, and the writer has talked about being influenced by that genre.

The main character of this, Peri, is an agrophobe who wakes up one morning to find her lighthouse has begun traveling the world. Over the course of the show, you begin to realize how weird the world she’s exploring actually is. The second season especially does some things I personally found super creepy, and I loved it.

It deals with a lot of trauma and anxiety, especially in the second season, but it’s handled so well. They end every episode with “May you always find your way”, and I find that really fitting and also comforting. It’s not a fake Instagram type of positivity. It feels hopeful.

Peri is a Latina woman and I believe most of the cast are people of colour. Peri is also queer, but generally does not want labels put on her yet. She’s okay not knowing. This, also, happens in a scene where another character defines her own bisexuality as being attracted to “cool girls and people who don’t really subscribe to that whole gender thing” which is great.

Overall, I’m a big fan of this one and I can’t wait for the third season in January 2020. Oh, hey, pro-tip: The Google Play feed for this doesn’t have the full second season for some reason, so you have to switch to iTunes or Spotify for the rest of it if you listen to your podcasts there.

Now this one I just finished listening to!

The Bridge is a science fiction podcast set in an alternate-world 2016 where a giant bridge (shocker) has been built across the Atlantic Ocean, taking place within one of the watchtowers on said giant bridge, which has been mostly abandoned and left to rot by the mainland.

Okay don’t make fun of me, but I’m kind of a new introductee to the idea of Lovecraftian lore/mythology? For some reason I kind of missed that whole thing until pretty recently. I only got semi-familiar with it because a Let’s Player I watch played a Cthulhu game, and then a youtube channel that talks about book adaptations I also watch did an episode about one of Lovecraft’s books.

So I’m gonna say this is kind of based on Lovecraftian stuff, but I don’t know enough to say if it’s inspired by it, or actually based on a specific work, but it has that kind of feel. The world in this is really interesting, with things like haunted houses and possessed puppets. They also do a great job with world-building of the way things were back in the heyday of the bridge.

One of the main characters, Bertie, is canonically queer, and talks about his fiance who passed away, and others have been confirmed queer by word of God, but I can’t find said word of God, so I don’t know who they mean and therefore can’t really talk about that. There’s been basically no focus on romance, though, so it not coming up hasn’t felt unnatural.

This has 14 episodes and a bunch of mini-episodes, and while there hasn’t been an update since October 2018, their twitter leads me to be it will be soon. I really like the world of this one, and can’t wait for there to be more.

Parts of it actually reminded me of:

Girl in Space, which is a science fiction podcast about a girl (duh) in space (duh) with only an artificial intelligence system, various birds, and a goat to keep her company… until she sees something on the horizon.

This is still a baby podcast, with only one season (the last episode of which I still need to listen to) but it’s interesting. There’s some things they’re hinting at that I am super excited about seeing explored in season two, and the worldbuilding is really fun. The sun is probably alive, y’all. And I mean, like, it might be sentient.

I have a couple of minor gripes with a similar thing to the Bridge, where characters have only been said to be queer outside of the actual show, but if the words “Cheese is delicious science” appeal to you, check this one out.

And speaking of mixed feelings:

The Box! The Box is a horror podcast about a college drop-out that finds a strange box (again, shocker) in the bookstore she works in, her discovery that it’s full of strange journals, and her search to uncover the truth about them.

There’s a lot I actually like in this. When I started listening to it, I was really missing the Black Tapes and they have the same sort of feeling at the beginning. I like this kind of podcast where a narrator tells you a story every episode, and then the world builds on top of that. It’s not everyone’s thing, but I’m into it. It’s a good premise, and for quite some time into the show, I enjoyed it.

And then it gets weird. And obviously it starts weird, most of these podcasts get weird at one point, but it starts to be strange in a way that I wasn’t enjoying. I started to find it more silly than scary.

There’s also a romance that I found dull as doorknobs, and there’s a thing that I would like to complain about, but I can’t confirm it exactly, and there are not transcripts so I can’t check something without re-listening to the whole podcast. As there are forty episodes and bonus episodes, I’m not about to just jump into that. So I’ll just complain about a lack of transcripts instead.

The Box also has times where the sound design is just terrible. There’s one episode where, in-world, it’s being recorded on a broken recorder, parts of it from another room. And, yes, it makes sense in-world. But to actually listen to it, I had it on full blast as high as I could and I still could barely hear it and missed a lot of the episode. And, again, no transcripts to read with it. And my hearing is okay. If you have any kind of auditory processing issues, that episode basically just says “screw you”.

However, I do like how they work social topics into the stories. At times it can be a bit clumsy, but I give them kudos for trying, at least. There’s an episode that includes real-life audio from something related to a real death of a black person by police brutality. I believe it’s in the episode Strange Fruit but I don’t remember and again, no transcripts. I find this especially frustrating when it comes to potentially triggering material.

This one’s currently on hiatus and I’ll probably check it out whenever it returns (it’s a show prone to long hiatus), but I wouldn’t recommend it unhesitantly. It does a lot of things I like, but I definitely have mixed feelings overall.

Palimpsest is another horror podcast. It tells a new, standalone story each season, with all their stories relating to memory and things that haunt us. I liked both, but especially the second season.

Season one is about loss and memory and forgiveness, and what it means to be haunted by something. It’s largely about the relationship between the MC and her sister and the romance is very minimal, but there’s some (what I call) incidental queerness. It’s not in a way like a Night Vale Presents thing is, or the Bright Sessions, or something like that, but it’s nice not to have it ignored.

GIANT trigger warning for gun violence and child death. Also, there’s thing on-going theme about the creepy sound of a wooden swing in the backyard and, as I was listening to this when I went for walks, I realized I walk past three different wooden swings.

Season two is set in the late 19th or early 20th century or so, and is based in Irish fae mythology which is totally up my alley. This is also the series where the idea of immigrants and people being raised by immigrants having accents confused someone so much I almost didn’t listen to it based on their review. I’m not salty about that, obviously.

Season two is also really freaking queer. Overall this isn’t a really scary horror podcast – it’s more eerie and a little sad. And eerie and a little sad is my favourite mood for ghost stories. My only real complaint is this also doesn’t have transcripts available.

Spines is a pretty recent listen for me, one I really enjoyed. This is kind of like a mash up of all the things I liked about The Box and Darkest Night and Archive 81 without any of the things I didn’t like in any of those. It’s definitely horror, with some body horror elements, and some… is tasteful gore a thing? Body horror and gore elements are used very tastefully and sparingly, and to great effect.

It’s the story of Wren, who wakes up in an attic covered in blood, with no memory at all, and some weird cult ritual surrounding her. She runs, and starts the podcast in an attempt to find her friends, who she’s sure were in the attic with her, and her other half, Zachary, the only name she can remember.

It’s weird but good weird. Solid world-building and really good character building. There’s a particular message that I appreciated that being someone’s “soulmate” didn’t mean you didn’t have a choice in whether or not you wanted to be romantically or sexually involved with them. It’s subtle but again well-handled.

Also, Wren is queer and this is really trans inclusive. There are several times where the show goes against the usual cisnormative thing most media would say in a similar situation, which honestly makes sense as it’s written by a trans writer. There’s also a very significant canonically intersex and nonbinary character, voiced by the writer of the show.

This is a creepy, weird little podcast that made my heart very happy. It’s complete at three seasons of eight episodes each and honestly quite underrated. Big recommend.

Finally, let’s talk about my favourite podcast.

I recently learned that the term “weird fiction” exists as a genre label. Mabel is very much weird fiction. In Mabel, Anna Limon begins a new job as a home health caretaker to an elderly woman named Sally. The house is… strange, and Sally is strange, and Anna probably shouldn’t look too deeply at any of that, but of course she does.

It is a horror podcast with deep folklore/mythology roots, possibly also somewhat Celtic/fae based, but it’s such a blend of things that I can’t draw any hard lines of things I specifically recognize besides one or two things, and that makes it so unique.

Listen to Mabel in the fall. Listen to Mabel when it might rain, when it’s a little windy, when the leaves are crunchy under your feet. When the air smells just a little like decay. Or, you know, whenever, because it’s great, but it is an amazing fall podcast. It’s also super queer, fyi.

Mabel has forty seasons currently, with I think five seasons? There is also a five-part bonus series. It’s really cool. If you don’t listen to anything else I recommend, listen to this.

I also listened to Limetown but I feel like everyone’s heard of that one, and I’m currently listening to Ghosts in the Burbs which so far is kind of interesting, but I’m only like two episodes in.

Alright! Have you listened to any of these? What did you think? What podcasts would you recommend for me? Did you enjoy this post at all? Comment and let me know!

Peace and cookies, Laina

I kinda just wanna talk about podcasts So that's what I'm gonna do. Let's get the Night Vale presents stuff out of the way because I think those are the most well-known things, and, while good podcasts, probably the least interesting for a rec list.

How mindfulness and anxiety medication work together

March Mindfulness is Mashable’s series that examines the intersection of meditation practice, technology, and culture. Because even in the time of coronavirus, March doesn’t have to be madness.

I couldn’t practice mindfulness until I started taking medication to treat my anxiety. 

I never had the patience for meditation, and while I enjoyed yoga as an exercise, I usually ended practice frustrated that I couldn’t effectively clear my head.

The only habit I’ve ever been able to maintain is nightly journaling. For the past decade, I’ve diligently ended my day by dumping my thoughts into a journal. Before seeking treatment for anxiety, I used it as an outlet to vent my stress from day-to-day existence. Now, I’ve learned to incorporate mindfulness techniques before, during, and after sitting down to write — and I wouldn’t have been able to do so without pharmaceutical help. 

There’s a misconception that mindfulness can only be practiced by sitting quietly with your eyes closed. You can incorporate the skills you learn while doing mindfulness exercises into daily activities, like walking, journaling, and even eating. Meditation researcher and mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally.” His stress reduction exercises built on linking those concepts with various types of meditation have been found to be promising treatments for anxiety and depression. 

But managing to incorporate these practices into daily life is especially challenging when you’re experiencing mental health shortcomings. For many living with anxiety and other mental health disorders, mindfulness or medication alone aren’t enough to manage a healthy lifestyle. When both are incorporated into a treatment plan, they can work together.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) affects 6.8 million adults in the United States, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember, but didn’t begin treating it until earlier this year. When I finally sought therapy, I thought I was just having trouble dealing with what seemed like pretty manageable stress. But the symptoms I had — constant fatigue, restlessness, insomnia, muscle tension, and an overwhelming feeling of being, well, overwhelmed — pointed to a case of severe GAD. A psychiatrist prescribed a daily dose of Escitalopram, better known as Lexapro. 

The adjustment process was a trip. I experienced appetite fluctuations, drowsiness, and a dull, persistent headache that pulsed in the base of my skull. For about a week while I increased my dose, I felt so stupid; no matter how hard I tried to, I couldn’t focus or write coherently. As I pass the six-to-eight week threshold of time for the medication to fully take effect, most of those symptoms have subsided. I don’t feel particularly changed or better, but I don’t feel the panicked, overwhelming dread that I used to. I sleep through the night now. I think more quietly — in a recent call with my therapist, I compared it to having only six trains of thought running at once, instead of 18. 

Before, my diligent journaling often spiraled into a self-pitying “brain dump,” and while I felt lighter after writing, I didn’t necessarily feel better. Journaling provided an outlet, but it also fed into my anxiety. Since starting Lexapro and regularly working with a therapist, I’ve begun using mindfulness techniques while journaling.  

I practice breath work before my nightly vent, and end entries with three observations about my body. I write about how my fingers feel holding a pen and the pressure I’m applying to the page. I write about the way I’m craning my neck and curving my back to balance my notebook on my knees. I write about the way my breathing changes when I record something that irritated me that day. I still vent, but regulating my breathing and incorporating body scanning — bringing awareness to parts of your body individually and the discomfort you may be feeling — into my nightly routine, helps release tension I didn’t even realize I was holding. 

There’s another sign of Lexapro working in my journal entries. Now that I’m relatively adjusted to it, I use more punctuation. 

“They’re called anti-depressants and not pro-happy pills.”

Dr. Ashley Covington, a holistic psychiatrist based in Los Angeles, incorporates both mindfulness and medication in treating her patients. In her practice, encouraging patients to do breath work every morning or take daily walks observing their surroundings can better their quality of life in a way that just medication can’t. In using mindfulness, “one size doesn’t fit all,” so she has her patients do “grounding exercises” that involve observing their surroundings to practice being present. Medication alone isn’t always enough for that. 

“They’re called anti-depressants and not pro-happy pills because they truly do prevent people from getting into the trenches of depression or having panic attacks, but they don’t necessarily create positive opportunities in your life,” Covington said. “That’s what you’re responsible for.” 

She told me that I probably used journaling originally as a coping mechanism to discharge anxiety. A lot of people with anxiety, including myself, tend to have a constant sense of urgency because anxiety is caused by an overactive nervous system response. When you suppress that response with medication, there’s more “space” in your head, Covington reasoned. 

“And then there’s more space to think about punctuation,” she added.

Mindfulness and medication work together 

Like me, comic and animation writer Carrie Tupper saw her quality of life improve when she began using both medication and mindfulness to manage her mental health. Before medicating, practicing mindfulness just pulled her deeper into her depressive episode.

“The journaling just made me feel like I was whining into the void, so I felt awful doing [it.] Meditation left a quiet space to realize how empty and numb I felt,” she said in a Twitter DM. “Writing lists was another opportunity to feel like I wasn’t deserving, worthy, or thankful of the blessings I had.”

People with trauma and other mental health disorders have trouble practicing mindfulness because of an especially strong fight-or-flight response. Covington called it a struggle between two parts of the nervous system: one that controls the body’s response to dangerous situations and another that reduces heart rate and regulates digestion. Those struggling with their mental health need to “train” their bodies to default to the latter, where both mindfulness and medication step in. 

Tupper sought professional help for her depression after a suicide attempt. In the five years since she began taking medication, she’s learned to incorporate mindfulness techniques into her own life that force her to be present, rather than default to stress.

“The door was jammed…And try as I might to knock the damned thing down I was trapped with this slow moving ghost.” 

Tupper compares her brain to a house: During the worst of her depression, she felt like she was “locked inside one room.” 

“The door was jammed, it wouldn’t budge,” Tupper said. “And try as I might to knock the damned thing down I was trapped with this slow moving ghost.” 

Medication was like the “key to open the door,” but when she managed to leave the metaphorical room, she realized the rest of her house was a mess. The “ghost” — her depression — still follows her and creates mess, so she needs to be consistent about cleaning. Her mindfulness techniques give her the tools to clean.

“It’s like finding a new door and opening it to a new mess to clean up, and you’re just like, ‘OMG, seriously? You messed this one up too?” Tupper explained. “And when your ghost starts acting out, the cards also help find ways to chill it out.” 

Engaging in mindful activities — like meditation — has been proven to improve executive function like memory, self control, and focus. A 2012 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that participants who meditated performed better in executive functioning tasks than those who didn’t. For those with disorders that affect executive functions, like anxiety or ADHD, Covington notes that mindfulness can be especially helpful to turn off the “busy chatter” that takes up your brain. 

“Even one minute of mindfulness like that can still help ground you, creating a little bit of presence, so that you know that when you do need to go back into work mode again you’re giving your brain that little break,” Covington said.

There’s still a stigma around medication

While self care is wildly popular, treating mental illness with medication is still stigmatized. Practices like luxuriating in bath bombs and treating yourself to a well-deserved snack are common, so why isn’t taking care of your brain culturally accepted as well? 

Writer and teacher Noah Cho agreed that if medicating came with less baggage, he probably would’ve started treatment for anxiety and depression earlier. Although he tries not to “give into” toxic masculinity, being the oldest son in a single parent household swayed him away from taking care of his mental health. 

“I grew up as the ‘man of the house’ and people expected me to be a bit more flawless.”

“I grew up as the ‘man of the house’ since my father died and people expected me to be a bit more flawless and not break down,” he said in a Twitter DM. “I was able to shed a lot of that over the years through therapy but some of it still lingered way into adulthood.” 

Cho practices mindful eating, which helps him manage body dysmorphia disorder. It helps him slow down and reassures him that he’ll have enough to eat. He’s also more patient with himself, centering himself by using apps like Headspace or going on runs. 

“But I never would have even been able to get to that point without therapy and Lexapro,” Cho said. “Which gave me the ability to actually ‘see’ what my anxiety and depression was, rather than existing as angst that I joked about or used as my personality.” 

Covington, the psychiatrist, dismisses preconceived notions that only “weak” minded people need medication. Like any other health issue, mental health should be treated, too. 

“Why make it harder on yourself if you don’t need to?” Covington said. “What are you trying to prove by resisting medication? If it’s truly going to improve your quality of life, and if it’s going to create a platform to help set you up for success, then who’s missing out?”

It’s important, however, to note that medication may not always be the answer. The United States is facing a concerning rise in overmedication, which can, at times, be harmful. 

It may not be forever, but meditation and medication work together

The longer I take Lexapro, the better I am at mindfulness. I recently began practicing yoga more regularly, and in a time as uncertain as this coronavirus pandemic, it’s been a lifesaver. I finally understand what it’s like to let myself feel present at the end of my practice. 

I’m not sure if I’ll take Lexapro for my entire life. It’s possible that I can wean myself off and live healthily without it. It’s also possible that I’ll need it forever. Regardless of whether it’s a long-term solution for treating my anxiety, it can’t be the only solution. Similarly, practicing mindfulness alone isn’t enough to manage the cluttered house that is my brain.

Covington compares taking medication to lifting yourself out of a “crisis mode.” It’ll get you back on your feet, but it may not be sustainable on its own. For that, you need mindfulness tools to stay aware of your mental state. Meditating, taking walks, and journaling can all work in conjunction.

Cleaning up a messy house can take work, but it’s less daunting when you have the tools to check in with yourself. 

If you want to talk to someone or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. For international resources, this list is a good place to start.

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Anergetic Warmonger

               I was traveling by plane and landing in my favorite state (which happens to be Washington state). I love the smell of the rainforest which somehow makes me feel even more connected to myself. I had a 5-month-old baby girl, my first and currently only child and my now ex-girlfriend. We were going to be miles apart and I knew that this time would be stressful for her. I did worry but I knew I needed this. A retreat into the depths of the Puget Sound. Compared to my prior high desert living this place felt so alive! I was breathing deeply for the first time. The air that wraps like a blanket across chilled skin, the sky that now reflected my soul, and the greenery to show my lust for hope. All things made new, I think to myself. On the flip side my greatest distaste is revealed when I look around. I’m confronted by the cars and traffic that make the highway feel like reserve street at 5pm. My cab driver is a local and seems down to earth, full of life, young and upward bound. I vicariously soak up his vibes and resolutely turn my back on all worries. I foolishly think that this kid must have no stressors compared to what I have. This predisposition was probably wrong, but I’ll never truly know and maybe I’ll never learn. We drive down the road talking about his successes, hopes, and dreams. I bounce back with words of dishonesty. His joy drags me out of the mire, at least for now.  I’ll keep focusing on where I am and not where I was because nothing else seems to be working. We drive what should have been 30 minutes for another hour and 15 minutes. We begin to pull up to the grounds, the grounds where I’d still find myself barred.

Most of my stories seem dismal but that isn’t who I am, it’s just how I was made. When I arrive to the office; to which the name of the place I’ve still omitted, I feel like I’m back in Virginia. The cultural diversity was real, and I felt like I was about to get issued a uniform. Thank God, none of that happened as I have a mental sigh of relief. I feel down to my packed bag full of clothes that would help me blend. I’ve always been a plain guy. There are a lot of people at this ‘resort’ of sorts. They all have different backgrounds some more intimidating than others. Little did I know that I would meet some of the most profound people in my life. I get to my shared room and try to find a bed with enough privacy to feel secluded. I don’t want confrontation or feelings, I just want freedom. It’s funny when we say the sun brings joy but why is it that depression just feeds dopamine when the skies are grey? The weight of the sky, the blanket of those staggering trees that look like they could lift you like feather. It’s mysticism, a realm of my childhood perhaps.  I believe its true that men are supposed to be adventurers and something about getting lost inspires me. “Get Lost!” is more of a warm welcome than a deliberate provocation in my experience. When I finally settle down I put at least some of my things in their spot, not wanting to appear a slob around others. I pull out my 2011 MacBook Pro and, in my futility, spend hours trying to install a ported version of Skyrim on my laptop. As someone I overheard has said, Skyrim is the depressed persons dream, and I don’t think he was wrong. I had few passions left and all were quite selfish in hindsight; I still avoid this person from time to time as he comes back to rudely take the seat. I get a phone call and answer it, my ex was checking in. I wearily respond with great disinterest, and I hated that about me. I tell her I’m fine, wish the best, and sporadically inquire about how things are, knowing they hadn’t changed much in a days’ time. We say our goodbyes and I look around the room. I decide it’s time to meander to find something to eat.

The food they served was good and since we were on the west coast the fish was pretty good. Most others were complaining about how they could do better initiating the memories of my middle school life. Kids would poke and prod at their food and say the cafeteria food sucks and bluntly throw out everything except the main course. I laugh looking back because the main course was what they had complained most about. I grew up very thankful, we had very little then. My mother was my sole supporter, and to this day a couple of my brothers and sisters are those little kids she still cares for. I’m turning 27 in a couple months and I’m the youngest, if that means something. After taking in this memory most of which I had spent by myself trying to ignore the groups of people that walked past, I realized I had finished my food and began my short walk back to the dom. We had a group meeting led by the others in our group who had been there longer. They would talk about how we need to keep better care of ourselves and others. They also had a chant which Thank God, I’ve put out of my mind. As the reader you may have presupposed where I am, or maybe not. I call it therapy, or simply where the crazy people go and I’m not crazy. I don’t belong. Days would go by at this place and I would go to therapy groups to learn about depression, anxiety, or PTSD. Therapists seemed to have learned something because they seemed to understand that although they direct the group they shouldn’t be the leaders. They would ask a question and either everyone fired off wanting to put their two cents in or we’d sit there staring at each other afraid, or even unwilling to respond. A simple question can be so daunting or even unfair and I didn’t fit. Anger isn’t an emotion, it’s a reaction. When I would see people put up these defenses I became cautious. I am quick to make judgements, perhaps too quick, a fatal flaw of mine. I just knew one thing, I didn’t belong.

I like to believe I am well rounded, and I make connections to experiences like any other human. I mean just look at an advisor’s office, when you see all those little toys or momentous they do serve a purpose. Those trinkets serve to jog your memories and hopefully to make association. Comfort is found in the eyes of a good first impression and my impression of those around me is very mixed. In the rough stratification in our social groups some lead, and others are left to believe they are wanted. It seems the group really drew to me trying to connect with our very different experiences. At least until I started hearing of another who knew displacement, Adam Posadas the ‘Anergetic Warmonger’. Never had I felt so dim compared to another. When we met we had some free time upstairs. Another acquaintance who became a friend Nancy a mother of four always said she never felt free and happy as she did around me and thanked me many times. The traits I often miss about myself are the youthful and explorative side of me. When trying to think of positive experiences I’ve made it’s like I’ve hit a brick wall or better yet a devoid space.  For some reason others will see it and I’ll accept the praise, but I’m confused the whole time. We talked for some time and he gladly showed me how a tesseract worked on a white board to which I was still confused by the end. All I knew was that one point was always moving. He also sang for us while playing cards later that evening to which I was very impressed that he was so operatic. When he caught wind of Nancy and I’s praise his mood shifted and he quickly left the room as if irritated by our response. I thought that was weird and way brash, but I was accepting. Besides, I still hardly knew the guy. Why turn away praise when you deserve it?

As time unfolded I began to share my experiences with others in the groups to which some of the most deserving affirmed my seemingly tedious trauma. I started to feel better about who I was though that would never change or take away the pain that I dealt with. Adam like me had PTSD, we struggled from similar events, and both of us had far reaching negative internal beliefs cemented in our souls. It was no wonder we connected so quickly as the days went by. We both knew what it was to feel hopeless and without belonging. We both had done things to disable our lives going forward. Hopelessness and longing are best friends with depression. I was only to be at this dom for 30 days and my time to leave was coming up. I had met Adam just 7 days in. We spent a lot time talking about things and trying to reaffirm each other in hopes that we would become better people. Adam as I had later learned had developed romantic feelings for me past my chosen barrier. I would often try to show that I cared deeply about him as a person but that I just didn’t feel that way.

This didn’t constrict our last days of conversation on my end but for him it would turn our conversations into an uncomfortable grey area. I eventually left the facility to return to Montana and found that I had lost much more than I had gained, much more than I have space for here. I grew so much in this sheltered place to realize I didn’t have the capacity to practice my new tools with the real world, but with what I returned to who would? For a time, I lost contact with Adam which led to a horrific end. Adam got out shortly after I left and like me he came home in Seattle to find that he lost everything. His boyfriend was sleeping with another man. He tried to reach out to me, but I didn’t have iMessage turned on, our only form of communication at the time. He had sat on a bridge all through the night and eventually threw himself off, and in his misery wrote one of his last letters to me. Today I live with the realization that I could have helped him if I knew. I occasionally read his last messages. He was a professional writer and had a lot to say. He became the biggest inspiration in my endeavor to writing. I keep looking back hoping to find a new piece to find what he would say now. I just wonder why he felt so alone, yet like him, I don’t. I know exactly what that feels like. Just maybe I do have belonging and perhaps if he had just waited a little longer he would also know that.

As an excerpt I’d like to take time to include a writing that he had made. Given that he mostly wrote children’s books they wouldn’t be as personal but his blog had much more to say. This is an early writing (January 7th, 2011, “It begins with blood”, Adam Posadas)

What is the price of things as they used to be? A single phrase. A single gesture. Even just a single drop of blood. That is all I need to know that magic hasn’t deserted me.

This late at night, desert heat still fills my place. I squat in an unfinished basement unit of a condemned apartment building. The air conditioner pumps in air that is only slightly less hot; it just makes my sweat-soaked shirt heavier. Three days have gone by since the moon was full. Every night as the moon grew I lit the candles and held the image in my mind: I stand tall and confident and I glow with inner radiance. In that vision I am powerful, and I am not afraid. Every morning since I started that visualization I wake with the dread knowledge that it didn’t work, that it’s still gone. It should’ve been better by last night. I should be better right now. Magic as I have always known it can’t be lost to me forever.

Source

https://adamposadas.livejournal.com/ Adam Posadas January 7th 2011 “It begins with blood”

Not gunna lie (a sorta update turned long rambley and dissociative

Crap's been bad. Stressful and hard are the best ways to describe the last 3(?) ish months... It seems like just as everything gets back to "normal" something else comes up... The vast majority has been external stress and happenings. Now though, certain things are transferring to internal bs too and there's literally nothing anyone of us can do about it. Our probably lowest functioning alter in our section was apparently just starting to make sounds, from what I understand there wasn't really anything close to words but sounds alone are a big deal for her. Well somehow word of this got to a persecutor - I really am not comfortable naming anyone here...idk it's all really personal and still really fresh so, yeah, you guys understand... - anyway our persecutor got a hold of her and brought her back to the section over, which none of us /but/ this particular alter has access to (unless she brings you there herself.. obviously) which is REAL damn concerning bc she won't tell anyone - including my bf who she's got a good relationship/trust with (or at least it seems.. idk I'm really sketched out by this tbh) - why/ for what purpose she brought her over there, or anyyyy details surrounding it besides just "it's Otherside stuff, don't worry about it" or hella vague statements like that... (Otherside is the name of the section over from... us? Lol idk how to word it, I don't wanna say "main section" but like???? We literally just call the section we're all in "Inside", the whole of the inner space is called "inner world" like.. 'normal' to differentiate, even though it's super close.. basically we've never been able to agree on a name for our section) Anywayyyy the worry is abuse happening innerworld/ Otherside more specifically based on what we know of her and Otherside.. I'd have to check the dates cuz I'm not 100% positive, but I'm fairly sure this all lines up with some intense and sudden family stress that I don't plan on going into due to contents of it.. idk why I feel the need to explain myself... pretty sure anyone following me who bothers to read all this will probably understand how sensitive content can be difficult/ triggering for both the writer and reader.. this is a damn DID system blog for fucks sake. But point being I'm super concerned for what this could mean, especially as far as unraveling trauma, because tbh I've basically been avoiding that like the plague in therapy... like I'm a crazy curious person by nature, and I want to learn all there is to learn, but am also like a pro at deflecting emotion and (trying to remember how my therapist says it and failing apparently lol) - I legit give up on the end of this sentence I've been trying to figure out the words or even remember for the last like 5mins but I'm tired and starting to dissociate and ughhhhhhhhh....... this is annoying but I just really want to be able to finish my vent... So attempting to continue on... I'm like no good at accepting/ dealing with trauma or anything when presented with it - except occasionally when it's presented purely as fact and void of emotional backing, intent or charge.. lol - which is part of why my bf and I work so well together, were both lower empathy so we often step back and speak theoretically and non emotionally which works really well for us especially when problem solving and stuff. Ok but I've lost track of what I was trying to say again. But I'm keeping all this cuz it's helping me process I think so I can hopefully stop thinking myself in circles RIGHT ok trauma work.. yeah I'm scared shitless of it even though some sick part of me desperately wants to know... And pieces of things are starting to fall together a lot quicker than I would like all of a sudden and too many things are fitting logically together to come up with a most and more than likely scenario of early life events that was only really theorized by me until now and idk that I'm ready to accept this it's too damn much too quick like I had my ideas but I also kinda thought it was all bullshit and nothing would come of it and I'd just be a stupid and crazy young adult with differing issues than originally suspected but I think that's exactly the "cover up" if that makes any sense. It's my safety screen because I'm too much of a p*ssy to face up to any of it... Whelp... congratulations Tumblr... you've officially seen my thought process in writing as I slowly dwindle into dissociation and an existential crisis simultaneously... that's just great.... I'm not deleting any of this tho because I want the record of it tomorrow so I can get it down on paper or something... My therapist is gunna love this lol (like in the sense that she'll approve of me looking emotionally at events and such and communicating them.. at least I hope so?? Hi Stace!!!! lol it's me from the past!!! F*ckin trippy! K but seriously do you approve cuz now I'm paranoid and probs might cry but actually also probably not... just sayin) Guys Idk how to deal with this... imma be honest I'm freaking tf out by everything happening all around me. Like now I can't escape it regardless of where I go - not that that matters because amnesia is still being a regular bitch which I blame on the constant stress???? Does anyone else have that problem??? Amnesia getting worse while more stressed I mean, not just like switching more or something, specifically forgetting any switch. Cuz for a while communication was getting better and now it's gotten worse again.... Normal? Anyone?! ALSOooooooo I'm going through a phase of remembering my dreams right now and with all the stress (and how vivid they always are anyway) they've gotten extra weird and uncomfortable and are pulling ideas from like every corner of our waking life and meshing them together into confusing and jagged (that's not the word but the closest approximation I can make right now) dreammares... like they're not quite nightmares but they leave us with this sense of unease for sureeee... I could still hear the small child from my dream screaming for like 5mins after I woke up... (in the head, not like a hallucination) which leads me to believe it was possibly actually coming from somewhere inside but I don't really have a good way to confirm that and again with the whole curious bit a pussy thing I kinda don't wanna knowww.............. but I do but I really don't but I also do so like... fucking send help???/!!!?!?!?!? K I'm don't writing I'm a fucking mess and I can't tell my ceiling from a sea cave right now... -Jinxy

Intro to me

Hello everyone! Thank you so much for deciding to look at my blog! I hope you stay a while and maybe even suggest a book for me to review. Personally, I've always loved to read, ever since I was around six years old. Instead of wanting a new pretty dress, I would want a new book instead. Understandably my parents thought that this was amazing, they thought that I would be smart and successful,which for my sake more than theirs, I hope is true. I've just decided to do a random, 100 questions about me tag so you know a bit more about me as a writer :-) 1.) What's your favorite season? Oh wow, that's an easy one, it's Autumn. 2.) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find a line. "I wanted red and orange leaves in the fall. I wanted change." 3.) Who was the last person you texted? My mom, she asked me about where my brother went on vacation with his friend. 4.) Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Eating a few mini strawberry muffins for breakfast. 5.) What's was the last thing you watched on TV? Sons on Anarchy. 6.) Without looking, guess what time it is now. 9:50a.m. 7.) Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 9.56a.m. 8.) With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? Bella (my dog) walking around downstairs and my ceiling fan. 9.) Do you tan or burn? Luckily my mom blessed me with Hispanic blood so I ran fairly easily :-). 10.) Do you like fish? I liked crab legs before I became a vegetarian, but other than that, I never liked any kind of fish. 11.) MAC or PC? MAC, I have a MAC book pro for school and it's lovely :-). 12.) Do you remember all of your dreams? I hardly ever remember my dreams at all, but the ones I do remember are the weird ones or the sad ones. 13.) When did you laugh last? The last time I laughed was around 12:30 this morning with my friend. She was talking about her upcoming birthday and how awesome it was going to be. 14.) Do you remember why/what at? She was talking about her upcoming birthday and how awesome it was going to be. 15.) Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I would really like to go sometime! 16.) Shoes, socks or bare feet? Oh bare feet all the way! I love shoes (hate socks) but sometimes I just don't feel like putting on shoes, you know? 17.) Do you wear perfume? Yes yes yes. 18.) What is the last film you saw? The Secret Life of Pets. I watched it with my dads ex girlfriends daughter. She is seven. 19.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? London, England or somewhere where it is warm and sunny all year around. 20.) If you became a multi-millionaire over night, what would you buy? BOOKS!! (And maybe makeup :-)) 21.) Where would you live if you could go anywhere? Hell. (Being a smartass because I've already answered that question.) 22.) What's your favorite band? One Direction. (Not 10 btw.) 23.) Have you ever had to have surgery? No I have not. 24.) Do you enjoy school? Yes and no, mostly yes because I just like to learn things, it makes me feel good about myself when I leave school knowing more than I did yesterday. No because of all of the petty drama I get dragged into and honestly, I think these standardized tests are bullshit. Everyone learns differently and at different paces, not everyone is super smart. 25.) What do you think of these questions so far? They are pretty normal questions, so they are all right. 26.) Are you a righty or a lefty? Lefty! I know it's strange to hear because hardly anyone is left handed anymore, but I'm a lefty :-) (the only one in my family.) 27.) Who made your last incoming call on your phone? My Aunt. I went to a concert the other night and she saw my Snapchat story thinking I was alone with no parent supervision, (again not 10) but my dad was in the parking lot so... 28.) What's the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Steam. 29.) Last time you swam in a pool? A couple days ago, but I had just gotten my tattoo so I couldn't submerge it in the water and had to put a bandage over it. 30.) Type of music you dislike most? Country. 31.) Are you listening to music right now? Yes. It's my friends music, (she's over at my house) but we have the same taste in music so I don't mind it. 32.) What's your favorite color? Red or Black or purple or army green, it changes everyday honestly. I just like colors haha. 33.) Is there anything you are disappointed about? Plenty of things. 34.) What is the last thing you bought? A book for school :-). 35.) Sun or rain? Sun if it's during the day, but if I'm getting ready to nap or go to bed at night, then rain. 36.) Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Both! 37.) What's your zodiac sign? Scorpio. 38.) What's your hair color? Naturally, Brown. I dye my hair red every so often because I hate my natural color. 39.) What quote do you like by? "Do not judge my character by the chapter you walked in on." 40.) What's your favorite zoo animal? I think zoos are cruel, no I'm just going to have to answer with, I love all animals. 41.) Do you have any pets? I do! I have two pure bred boxers named Brinx and Bella. Brinx is purely white with black spots on his skin and he's 10 years old. Bella is a beautiful chocolate brown with a black face and white paws (they look like socks!) and she is five years old. 42.) What color are your eyes? Brown. 43.) Do you wear any kind of jewelry 24/7? Yes, I have two holes in both of my ears that I keep earrings in, a mood bracelet that I got with my cousin, and my belly button ring. 44.) Do you turn the water off when you brush your teeth? No, but apparently it's a big pet peeve for some people when other people don't run the water off when they brush their teeth but I don't really see why it matters. 45.) Do you know how to change your cars oil? No, I know it's bad that I don't know how to change my cars oil, but I honestly don't really care. 46.) Do you have any phobias? No. 47.) What's your lucky number? 8. 48.) Have you ever eaten a crayon? Once, I got dared to eat a crayon in kindergarten for a quarter. I really wanted that quarter so I ate the crayon haha. 49.) Can you solve a Rubix Cube? No, I've tried so many times, but I always end up getting pissed off and never end up finishing it. 50.) What are you listening to right now? Nothing. 51.) Do you like Marmit? I have no idea what that is. 52.) Do you wear the hood on hoodies? Sometimes. 53.) Is the glass half empty or half full? Well I'm very optimistic so it's half full :-). 54.) What's the farthest-away place you've been? Oklahoma. I've never been out of the United States... I'm boring :-(. 55.) Do you untie your shoes before taking them off? Sometimes if I tied my shoes extremely tight. 56.) What's your favorite radio station? Any station that has good music honestly, I'm not picky. 57.) Are you allergic to anything? Nope. 58.) Were you named after anyone? No. 59.) Do you wear glasses/contacts? No. 20/20 vision :-). 60.) Have you ever walked out of a movie theater before the film was finished? Yeah, then I snuck into another movie haha. 61.) What's your least favorite subject in school? Science. 62.) Put your iTunes library on shuffle. What's the first song that comes on? Poppin' Tags by Future. 63.) Do you wear jeans or sweatpants more? Jeans. 64.) Where in the world would you like to travel? Everywhere! 65.) Are you traveling anywhere soon? Not anywhere far from me. I'm going on vacation to Florida in July as well as Cedar Point in August. 66.) Have you ever built an igloo? What is this? I live in Tennessee not Antarctica. Obviously not! 67.) Best thing at Starbucks? Okay, I'm being basic here for a second, but the best thing at Starbucks is the Pink Drink. 68.) Do you like watching scary movies? I watch scary movies at 3a.m when I can't sleep and sometimes I fall asleep to them if that tells you anything. 69.) What's the best thing about school? My friends and English class. 70.) What were you doing at midnight last night? Laughing and watching Netflix with my best friend haha. 71.) What's under your bed? Dust and dog hair. 72.) How do you really feel about what you are doing right now at this exact moment? There was a question similar to this a few questions up. Still feeling the same. 73.) Think fast, what do you like right now? My new shirts from Spencer's I bought today. 74.) Are you sarcastic? My second language. 75.) What time do you get up? During school days, between 5:30a.m and 7a.m, but during the summer, around 10a.m. 76.) What was the name of your first pet? Brinx. He's a dog and I still have him :-). 77.) What color are your sheets? Purple. 78.) How are you feeling? Wow I'm starting to feel like I'm in therapy again...but I'm feeling pretty good right now. 79.) What was your favorite food when you were a child? Mashed potatoes. 80.) How are you feeling right now? Uhhhhh does someone has short term memory loss??? 81.) Can you whistle? Yup. 82.) Do you drink soda? Only Dr.Pepper. 83.) Have you read the Harry Potter series? Only the Sorcerers Stone, I wasn't really interested in the series to be completely honest. 84.) Can you drink a stick shift? I learned to drive on a stick shift before I learned on an automatic so, yes, I can drive a stick shift. 85.) What's your favorite candle scent? I'm honestly so obsessed with candle melts so I have a ton of candle melts and my favorite is probably the Zen one. It really chills me out because it smells reaaaaally good. 86.) Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No. 87.) Do you sing in the shower? Every time :-). 88.) Can you speak another language? Ugh... no :-(. 89.) Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? Um.. yeah haha. 90.) Dogs or Cats? Dogs!! :-D. 91.) Do you make wishes at 11:11? Not usually. 92.) What's your favorite type of chapstick? Anything pomegranate flavored. 93.) Which came first; the chicken or the egg? Oh here we go. The most philosophical question on earth. The chicken. 94.) What are you reading right now? Norse Mythology by Neil Gailman 95.) Can you touch your nose with your tongue? *Sigh* Sadly I have never been able to do this :-(. 96.) Can you walk in heels? Now that I can do. 97.) How many rings before you answer the phone? However long it takes me to notice someone is calling me. No one really ever calls me though, it's usually just a text or Snapchat. 98.) Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? Yes actually!! I just got a tattoo a few days ago. It says "I love you to the moon and back" in my dads cursive, and I love it so much :-D. 99.) What is most important in life? Honestly? To live your life with no regrets. You only get one life on this earth, live it the way you want and don't give a fuck about what anyone else thinks. 100.) What inspires you? My imagination. Well that was it! I hope you all got a bit of insight on who I am as a person! If you have any questions or you want to request a book for me to review, then just ask! I'm always on here so I'll be sure to check my inbox everyday! I know this was a long post, but I hope many of you took the time to read it! This took me around 2 hours and I'm kind of ashamed to admit that... anyways, thank you again and I hope that this blog could be a way of finding new books and authors for a lot of people! June. 8th, 2017

The Real Reason Someone Is Staring at You at the Gym

"Keep your eyes on your own page," our teachers always said during tests. Sure, they were trying to discourage cheating, but I was always nervous that someone was going to peek at my page and see that I had written down a hilariously incorrect answer. (Yes, I have since learned that the Cold War had nothing to do with low temperatures).

At a time in my life when I was judged for not having enough Juicy Couture in my closet or the right lip balm in my backpack (curse you, $20 Lip Venom), it only makes sense that I became hyperaware of myself and my image. Remember Hardtail pants? They were the Lululemon of my middle school, and you can bet I dug into sales bins for a couple pairs when my mom told me she wouldn’t spend $75 on new leggings when I had perfectly good ones already in my drawer. (But everyone has these, Mom! They’re totally different.)

From smarts to looks, we all worry about what we do and how we do it. Now that we’re adults, this fear of comparison—and subsequent judgment—hasn’t really lessened. While folks have always compared themselves to their neighbors, we now have endless means of checking in to see exactly how well we’re keeping up with the Joneses. Take one look through anyone’s Instagram feed, and insecure thoughts start to tumble: Am I successful enough? Do people like me? Why have only four people liked my latest picture? How is she on another European vacation when I can’t even afford the flight?

The fitness world is no exception to this rule of self-consciousness. In fact, a fitness class is one of the toughest places to feel confident. We've all had the I-have-no-idea-what-the-hell-I'm-doing feeling during a workout, and wished we were invisible. Sometimes we fumble with a new weight-resistance machine, or accidentally end up in the front row of a cardio class. And when that happens, we all worry that somewhere, somehow, someone is watching—and judging—us. The truth is, I am that person. I totally check people out all the time.

When you’ve mustered up the courage to attempt a handstand, I’m the one sneaking peeks while you tumble down. That moment when you drop to your knees for the last few push-ups? Yep, I noticed. The teacher may tell us to keep our gaze down for the best neck alignment, but I’m twisting and craning to get a better look. The girl behind me isn’t even doing the right move!

But here's the thing: Comparing myself to other people in the class helps me better assess my approach to fitness in a completely self-minded way. Yes, I do look over to see your form—but only to help me correct my own. And yes, I do check to see who's grunting like an Olympic weight lifter, but only to see how I can push myself further to get to that point.

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For example, I used to think that achieving crow pose was a feat only for the superhuman (i.e., yoga teachers). Balancing my full body weight on my forearms felt like an impossible dream, so I’d just pretend to try, making half-hearted attempts to lift my toes. I’d inevitably fall down, which would lead to the eventuality of giving up. At that moment, I’d look around for solace, for moral support, and most importantly, to answer the question, Is this actually possible for normal people? I’m not trying to pick out other people who are doing worse than I am. I’m just trying to get a read on how impossible this task really is. So if you feel like all eyes are on you as you topple over, know this: The people watching you are probably way more interested in themselves than in you.

At the end of the class, these side glances always result in the same takeaway: Fitness is a spectrum. Group classes are intentionally designed to cater to a vast range of people; this spin class might be your daily workout, but it’s my monthly stretch goal. That squat may be her bread and butter, but it’s his first step toward training for a 5K. What’s tough for me could be effortless for you. In any given class, there are bound to be first-timers, pros, and everything in-between. And in any given class, I assume I fall right in the middle. That’s why I open my eyes: to make me feel proud of my progress, but also to keep a carrot hanging for me to chase.

My nosy behavior has paid off. I used to be a pretty inexperienced runner, someone who simply threw on some shoes and tried to move forward as quickly as possible, for as long as possible. That approach landed me in physical therapy with a sore knee. When I started noticing other joggers, however, I saw their calm, strategic approach to the sport. They wore sensible shoes, not whatever looked best on Instagram. They only occasionally drank water, rather than carrying and chugging from a water bottle every quarter mile, like I did. They stayed upright, rather than leaning forward in hopes that gravity would somehow start moving horizontally and pull them forward. (I know it's not the soundest logic, but it does make a certain intuitive sense, right)?

Unfortunately, I’m aware that some runners must have caught my curious gaze and interpreted it as disapproval. In an effort to curb any flurries of insecurity, I always tried to give a quick smile or a kind wave to let them know I’m simply looking around to pass the time and learn from them. We’re all in this together.

When I'm watching other people work out, I don’t feel either jealousy or victory… just awe. I’m in complete awe of all the infinitely diverse ways that "health" takes shape. We’re all taking care of ourselves and reaching our personal best—and I know that's become something of a cliche, but it's important to remember: Our best really is oh-so-personal and not broadly definable. When I see myself in the mirror, thinking about how I wish my arms were thinner or my stomach was leaner, I am fully admiring every other person in the room with me. I want your strong thighs. I want your grit. I want to be sweating as much as you, because that would mean I’m working just as hard as you are. In my (wandering) eyes, the room is bursting with accomplishment and beauty.

Now, are there people who do intend to be judgmental? Sure. You may remember way back in 2016, when Playboy model Dani Mathers secretly Snapchatted a picture of a 70-year-old woman in an L.A. Fitness locker room. The caption read, "If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either." What was meant as a private (and cruel) joke became a top news headline; the Internet quickly whirled into action, calling out this inexcusable body-shaming, and L.A. Fitness promptly banned her for life. Mathers now faces charges for her invasion of privacy. The message is clear: That kind of judgment occasionally occurs, but it is entirely unacceptable. The gym is a resource to help you feel good, however you define that.

When I started noticing other joggers, I saw their calm, strategic approach to the sport. They wore sensible shoes, not whatever looked best on Instagram.

Most people looking to you aren’t looking at whatever you consider your flaws. We don’t see your "trouble spots." This isn’t about judgment, or superiority. Expert, newbie, tall, short, muscular, thin, laser-focused, timid—they’re all completely valid adjectives in the journey of health, and positive attributes in any class. And if comparisons lead us to better ourselves, we should all be open to it.

So the next time you put on your boxing gloves or roll out your mat, remember that you’re embarking on your own personal health journey. While I totally endorse using other class-goers as inspiration, remember that they all have their own standards of success and live within a different set of circumstances. We’re too complex to judge each other at face value, and we should be eternally grateful for that. So go ahead and take a look around—just not during sit-ups. You really don’t want to strain your neck during those.

Christie is a Seattle-based freelance writer with a deep interest in why we are the way we are, and how we can be a little bit better. She's an LA native, Stanford graduate, relentless vegetarian, and coffee enthusiast. Follow her on Twitter @ChristieBrydon and Instagram @woweezow33.

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How mindfulness and anxiety medication work together

March Mindfulness is Mashable’s series that examines the intersection of meditation practice, technology, and culture. Because even in the time of coronavirus, March doesn’t have to be madness.

I couldn’t practice mindfulness until I started taking medication to treat my anxiety. 

I never had the patience for meditation, and while I enjoyed yoga as an exercise, I usually ended practice frustrated that I couldn’t effectively clear my head.

The only habit I’ve ever been able to maintain is nightly journaling. For the past decade, I’ve diligently ended my day by dumping my thoughts into a journal. Before seeking treatment for anxiety, I used it as an outlet to vent my stress from day-to-day existence. Now, I’ve learned to incorporate mindfulness techniques before, during, and after sitting down to write — and I wouldn’t have been able to do so without pharmaceutical help. 

There’s a misconception that mindfulness can only be practiced by sitting quietly with your eyes closed. You can incorporate the skills you learn while doing mindfulness exercises into daily activities, like walking, journaling, and even eating. Meditation researcher and mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn defines mindfulness as “the awareness that arises from paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally.” His stress reduction exercises built on linking those concepts with various types of meditation have been found to be promising treatments for anxiety and depression. 

But managing to incorporate these practices into daily life is especially challenging when you’re experiencing mental health shortcomings. For many living with anxiety and other mental health disorders, mindfulness or medication alone aren’t enough to manage a healthy lifestyle. When both are incorporated into a treatment plan, they can work together.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) affects 6.8 million adults in the United States, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. I’ve been anxious for as long as I can remember, but didn’t begin treating it until earlier this year. When I finally sought therapy, I thought I was just having trouble dealing with what seemed like pretty manageable stress. But the symptoms I had — constant fatigue, restlessness, insomnia, muscle tension, and an overwhelming feeling of being, well, overwhelmed — pointed to a case of severe GAD. A psychiatrist prescribed a daily dose of Escitalopram, better known as Lexapro. 

The adjustment process was a trip. I experienced appetite fluctuations, drowsiness, and a dull, persistent headache that pulsed in the base of my skull. For about a week while I increased my dose, I felt so stupid; no matter how hard I tried to, I couldn’t focus or write coherently. As I pass the six-to-eight week threshold of time for the medication to fully take effect, most of those symptoms have subsided. I don’t feel particularly changed or better, but I don’t feel the panicked, overwhelming dread that I used to. I sleep through the night now. I think more quietly — in a recent call with my therapist, I compared it to having only six trains of thought running at once, instead of 18. 

Before, my diligent journaling often spiraled into a self-pitying “brain dump,” and while I felt lighter after writing, I didn’t necessarily feel better. Journaling provided an outlet, but it also fed into my anxiety. Since starting Lexapro and regularly working with a therapist, I’ve begun using mindfulness techniques while journaling.  

I practice breath work before my nightly vent, and end entries with three observations about my body. I write about how my fingers feel holding a pen and the pressure I’m applying to the page. I write about the way I’m craning my neck and curving my back to balance my notebook on my knees. I write about the way my breathing changes when I record something that irritated me that day. I still vent, but regulating my breathing and incorporating body scanning — bringing awareness to parts of your body individually and the discomfort you may be feeling — into my nightly routine, helps release tension I didn’t even realize I was holding. 

There’s another sign of Lexapro working in my journal entries. Now that I’m relatively adjusted to it, I use more punctuation. 

“They’re called anti-depressants and not pro-happy pills.”

Dr. Ashley Covington, a holistic psychiatrist based in Los Angeles, incorporates both mindfulness and medication in treating her patients. In her practice, encouraging patients to do breath work every morning or take daily walks observing their surroundings can better their quality of life in a way that just medication can’t. In using mindfulness, “one size doesn’t fit all,” so she has her patients do “grounding exercises” that involve observing their surroundings to practice being present. Medication alone isn’t always enough for that. 

“They’re called anti-depressants and not pro-happy pills because they truly do prevent people from getting into the trenches of depression or having panic attacks, but they don’t necessarily create positive opportunities in your life,” Covington said. “That’s what you’re responsible for.” 

She told me that I probably used journaling originally as a coping mechanism to discharge anxiety. A lot of people with anxiety, including myself, tend to have a constant sense of urgency because anxiety is caused by an overactive nervous system response. When you suppress that response with medication, there’s more “space” in your head, Covington reasoned. 

“And then there’s more space to think about punctuation,” she added.

Mindfulness and medication work together 

Like me, comic and animation writer Carrie Tupper saw her quality of life improve when she began using both medication and mindfulness to manage her mental health. Before medicating, practicing mindfulness just pulled her deeper into her depressive episode.

“The journaling just made me feel like I was whining into the void, so I felt awful doing [it.] Meditation left a quiet space to realize how empty and numb I felt,” she said in a Twitter DM. “Writing lists was another opportunity to feel like I wasn’t deserving, worthy, or thankful of the blessings I had.”

People with trauma and other mental health disorders have trouble practicing mindfulness because of an especially strong fight-or-flight response. Covington called it a struggle between two parts of the nervous system: one that controls the body’s response to dangerous situations and another that reduces heart rate and regulates digestion. Those struggling with their mental health need to “train” their bodies to default to the latter, where both mindfulness and medication step in. 

Tupper sought professional help for her depression after a suicide attempt. In the five years since she began taking medication, she’s learned to incorporate mindfulness techniques into her own life that force her to be present, rather than default to stress.

“The door was jammed…And try as I might to knock the damned thing down I was trapped with this slow moving ghost.” 

Tupper compares her brain to a house: During the worst of her depression, she felt like she was “locked inside one room.” 

“The door was jammed, it wouldn’t budge,” Tupper said. “And try as I might to knock the damned thing down I was trapped with this slow moving ghost.” 

Medication was like the “key to open the door,” but when she managed to leave the metaphorical room, she realized the rest of her house was a mess. The “ghost” — her depression — still follows her and creates mess, so she needs to be consistent about cleaning. Her mindfulness techniques give her the tools to clean.

“It’s like finding a new door and opening it to a new mess to clean up, and you’re just like, ‘OMG, seriously? You messed this one up too?” Tupper explained. “And when your ghost starts acting out, the cards also help find ways to chill it out.” 

Engaging in mindful activities — like meditation — has been proven to improve executive function like memory, self control, and focus. A 2012 study published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience found that participants who meditated performed better in executive functioning tasks than those who didn’t. For those with disorders that affect executive functions, like anxiety or ADHD, Covington notes that mindfulness can be especially helpful to turn off the “busy chatter” that takes up your brain. 

“Even one minute of mindfulness like that can still help ground you, creating a little bit of presence, so that you know that when you do need to go back into work mode again you’re giving your brain that little break,” Covington said.

There’s still a stigma around medication

While self care is wildly popular, treating mental illness with medication is still stigmatized. Practices like luxuriating in bath bombs and treating yourself to a well-deserved snack are common, so why isn’t taking care of your brain culturally accepted as well? 

Writer and teacher Noah Cho agreed that if medicating came with less baggage, he probably would’ve started treatment for anxiety and depression earlier. Although he tries not to “give into” toxic masculinity, being the oldest son in a single parent household swayed him away from taking care of his mental health. 

“I grew up as the ‘man of the house’ and people expected me to be a bit more flawless.”

“I grew up as the ‘man of the house’ since my father died and people expected me to be a bit more flawless and not break down,” he said in a Twitter DM. “I was able to shed a lot of that over the years through therapy but some of it still lingered way into adulthood.” 

Cho practices mindful eating, which helps him manage body dysmorphia disorder. It helps him slow down and reassures him that he’ll have enough to eat. He’s also more patient with himself, centering himself by using apps like Headspace or going on runs. 

“But I never would have even been able to get to that point without therapy and Lexapro,” Cho said. “Which gave me the ability to actually ‘see’ what my anxiety and depression was, rather than existing as angst that I joked about or used as my personality.” 

Covington, the psychiatrist, dismisses preconceived notions that only “weak” minded people need medication. Like any other health issue, mental health should be treated, too. 

“Why make it harder on yourself if you don’t need to?” Covington said. “What are you trying to prove by resisting medication? If it’s truly going to improve your quality of life, and if it’s going to create a platform to help set you up for success, then who’s missing out?”

It’s important, however, to note that medication may not always be the answer. The United States is facing a concerning rise in overmedication, which can, at times, be harmful. 

It may not be forever, but meditation and medication work together

The longer I take Lexapro, the better I am at mindfulness. I recently began practicing yoga more regularly, and in a time as uncertain as this coronavirus pandemic, it’s been a lifesaver. I finally understand what it’s like to let myself feel present at the end of my practice. 

I’m not sure if I’ll take Lexapro for my entire life. It’s possible that I can wean myself off and live healthily without it. It’s also possible that I’ll need it forever. Regardless of whether it’s a long-term solution for treating my anxiety, it can’t be the only solution. Similarly, practicing mindfulness alone isn’t enough to manage the cluttered house that is my brain.

Covington compares taking medication to lifting yourself out of a “crisis mode.” It’ll get you back on your feet, but it may not be sustainable on its own. For that, you need mindfulness tools to stay aware of your mental state. Meditating, taking walks, and journaling can all work in conjunction.

Cleaning up a messy house can take work, but it’s less daunting when you have the tools to check in with yourself. 

If you want to talk to someone or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. For international resources, this list is a good place to start.

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