#which is why i know my grandpa from arizona had no relationship with me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

katehuntington · 4 years

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Title: Ride With Me (part seventeen) Fandom: Supernatural Timeline: 2008 Pairing: Dean x Reader Word count: ±4700 words Summary series: Y/N is a talented horse rider who is on her way to become a professional. In order to convince her father that she deserves the loan needed to start her own farm, she goes to Arizona for six months, to intern at a ranch owned by Bobby and Ellen Singer. Her future is set out, but then she meets a handsome horseman, who goes by the name of Dean Winchester. A heartwarming series about a cowboy who falls for the girl, letting go of the past and the importance of family. Summary part seventeen: Unable to sleep, Y/N goes over last night’s events, until she gets an unexpected visitor. Warnings series: NSFW, 18+ only! Fluff, angst, eventually smut. Swearing, smoking, alcohol intoxication, alcohol abuse. Mutual pining, heartbreak. Crying, nightmares, childhood trauma. Description of animal abuse, domestic violence, mentions of addiction. Financial problems, stress, mental breakdown. Description of blood and injury, hospital scenes, character death, grief. Music: ‘After My Heart + Can’t Help Falling In Love’ - John Michael Howell. Follow ‘Kate Huntington’s Ride With Me playlist’ on Spotify! Please listen to this song during the scene, it’s so worth it! Author’s note: I’m excited for this one, y’all! Thank you @kittenofdoomage, @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish and @winchest09 for helping me. You girls are awesome betas and friends.

Ride With Me Masterlist

The bunkhouse is silent after a festive night. All the lights out, except for the one on Y/N’s bedside table. Sleep might have come limited the past week, but she isn’t ready to close her eyes just yet. The adventurous trail, combined with the unexpected news about her qualification has her riled up with excitement.

Not sure what to do with this new found energy, she has taken out one of her notebooks, which is filled with scrabbles. She won State Championships with a relatively simple floorplan, not wanting to overshoot, but if she wants to leave an impression with the judges at Congress, she needs to step up her game. Combinations between exercises will push up her degree of difficulty, so she decided to change a few lines. Working on her freestyle tonight wasn’t entirely according to plan, but who knows, maybe the tequila and beer will add some creativity.

She has changed into a comfortable tank top and a pair of shorts, the soft fabric a contrast to the sandy denim she’s been clad in the past days. The temperature is comfortably warm, early October in Arizona much more like summer compared to the autumn days she’s used to in Maine.

Strangely, she hasn’t been homesick for Freeport at all. She misses her mom and dad, her brothers, but after her time living on campus, she’s used to being away from family. Her father travels a lot for work, and Jaime, her older brother by three years, moved to the other side of the country straight out of the Police Academy, fighting crime in Los Angeles these days. Middle kid Jackson bought a house in Boston and is busy with his real estate firm, while her oldest brother, Jeff and his wife are expecting their first child. Y/N wouldn’t say they have grown apart, but now that she and her siblings don’t share a house anymore, things have changed. They’ve spread their wings, built a life for themselves.

She checks her phone when a message from Jaime pops up, sending her a selfie in which he shows off his muscles, holding up a fist. ‘Show them what you’re made of! You’re gonna ace that ride!’ he added in the caption. She closes the text, scrolling down the list of messages from family and friends, until she finds one from Jeffrey, which is a little more lengthy. ‘Mom said I had to wait until Dad reached you, so I hope you got the news by now, otherwise I’m in trouble. Congratulations, Sis. You worked so hard for this. I’m really proud of you, and I know Grandpa will be cheering you on from above. You’re already a champion.’ She smiles at the sweet words; she should really give him a call next week.

Redirecting her attention to the notebook in her lap, she picks up her pen, sketches a new line, crosses it and bites on the pen cap, pondering. Marcel, her trainer at the Freeport Equestrian Center, helped her with the first version. She could get in touch with him tomorrow, she’s sure he will be willing to shed a light on what she has so far. Distance will be an issue, though, and with time being of the essence since it’s only fifteen days before they head towards Columbus, Ohio, where Congress is held, she has to take a different approach.

What if she asks Dean to help her with the freestyle, or even to come with her to the show? He has helped her a couple of times during training and she appreciates his approach. His suggestions and tips paid off; his methods really seemed to work for both her and Meadow. The head wrangler knows Y/N and her horse well enough to offer advice in bringing out their best qualities, she just hopes he’s up for it. After some drinks, Dean didn’t stick around long. When she asked Jo where he went, she said Dean offered to do the final feeding round. Y/N thought about following him, but didn’t want to draw attention from the rest of the crew; them both gone would’ve raised suspicion and she doesn’t want to put him in the spot of having to explain himself.

When Y/N noticed his absence, her stomach made an unpleasant flip. The uneasy sensation remained the rest of the evening, not evident, but brewing nonetheless, and it had nothing to do with the alcohol. She wonders if something has changed, maybe. That coming home to the ranch caused Dean to reconsider. Why else would he distance himself?

Doubtful, she takes a breath, her mind going places she’d rather not be. Still missing a steady foundation for them to start building a relationship on, doubt surfaces again. Deep down she’s scared that the cowboy might back out, which would cause heartbreak she’s not sure she can handle. She cares too much already, she’s too far gone. Y/N is passing the station of just being in love with Dean; it’s growing into something even more.

Before her thoughts can spiral further, there’s a soft knock on the door. The kind that is soft enough to not wake her had she been sleeping, but loud enough for her to hear if she wasn’t. She slides out of bed, rises to her bare feet, careful not to bump her head against the top bunk like she has so many times already, and crosses her room. When she opens the door, she finds the man who has been on her mind on the other side, locking his green eyes on her. She’s pleasantly surprised to see him with it being past 11 PM already; she expected him to be in bed long ago after the exhausting past few days. “Hey, what are you doing u--”

He doesn’t let her finish and bridges the few feet between them, cupping her face with both hands and pulling her into a kiss. After the initial shock, which only lasts a fraction of a second, he can feel her lashes brush against his skin as she closes her eyes and melts into him, allowing him to deepen the connection. Her response takes away the restlessness that weighed on his chest like a chunk of concrete, ever since the thought of her leaving arose.

They step into her room far enough for Dean to kick the door shut, preventing possible eavesdroppers from tuning in, his mouth never leaving hers. Instinctively, her arms snake around his torso, tracing the lines of his strong back through the fabric of his shirt. There’s a desperation in his touch that’s new to her, the way he longs for this connection is different. Eventually, he breaks the kiss and she studies him when he rests his forehead against hers. His eyes stay closed for a little longer, holding on to the moment while his hands slip from her face.

He didn’t want to steal a few seconds while surrounded by the crew, he didn’t want to get in line to give her a quick hug or a peck on the cheek. No, he needed to be with her, just the two of them without restrictions.

“What was that for?” she wonders. “Just wanted to congratulate you.” He smiles, trying to mask his concern, and sweetly presses his lips on hers again. “Personally.” And again. “Privately.” And again. She giggles, triggering him to chuckle as well. He moves his head back to take her in. “Congratulations, Yankee,” he says, genuine. “You earned it.” “Thank you,” she smiles, still slightly confused. “Where’d you go earlier?” “Someone had to feed those poor starving animals,” he jokes. “And since Bobby already had a few whiskies, and Garth is an absolute light weight, I took one for the team.”

He was quick to take the final feeding round, not just because he was the last man standing. Doing one last check, giving the horses their hay for the night, making sure the stables are shut properly, locking up the tackroom and the cafeteria and eventually the large barn doors after switching off the lights; it offers him peace of mind. It’s a daily routine, a recurring series of actions, done so 365 days a year. Ensuring everything is exactly the way it’s supposed to be in the place where he lives and works, grounds him when he’s feeling restless. It gives him a moment alone, the horses his only company, allowing him to think things over and collect himself again. Tonight was no different, because even though he was relieved Y/N’s father wasn’t the bearer of bad news, Dean felt disturbed with his initial response. For a good few minutes, he thought he was going to lose her, and the anxiety it surfaced was much more intense than he anticipated.

Y/N keeps watching him as the cowboy is lost in thought. He’s trying to be funny and cute, but that’s not all there is to it; his eyes tell a different story. He kissed her a little too fierce, pulled her in a little too tight. Something is bothering him, and although she doesn’t want to force him to talk, she needs to know what it is before she loses her mind herself. “What’s wrong, Dean?” she asks, softly, moving her hands up his chest. “It’s nothin’,” he assures, shaking his head.

But when the concern remains evident in her expression, he sighs. He doesn’t want her to worry, or think it’s something she’s done. If anything, she’s been absolutely perfect. God, she’s so patient. Even though she needs him, she offers him space. Expressing how he feels might be terrifying, it’s about time he’s fair with the woman who’s willing to wait. “It’s just that, uh - when your dad called, he… he sounded pretty serious,” Dean admits, looking down. “I thought something might have happened with your folks or somethin’, and that you...” He pauses, struggling, but Y/N knows enough. “You thought Dad was going to tell me to come back,” she realizes.

Suddenly his behavior makes so much more sense. His complete change of demeanor when he approached her table in the saloon after receiving the call, him seeming as nervous as she was when she picked up the phone. The sigh of relief when she told him and Jo the great news, his disappearance from the celebration at the saloon. Dean thought he was going to lose her, and apparently it scared him. Y/N is as stunned by the realization, as she is by the confirming nod he gives her.

“Well - I mean - it could’ve been, right?” he says, shrugging his shoulders almost apologetically, like he’s not allowed to be worried about a presumption as such. “I’m twenty-four, Dean. I’m not going anywhere unless I want to,” she reminds him, hoping to offer him some consolation. “Glad to hear it,” he responds, his hands moving to her waist as he restores eye contact. “‘cause I’d hate to see you go.”

Heartfelt, the beautiful girl in his arms smiles. She seems to understand the weight of his words, because she crosses her wrists behind his head and urges him to come closer. Dean’s heart swells in his chest when she brushes her lips against his, tentatively at first. His mind calms, the nerves subsiding. Not only is she staying, she also understands what’s going on in his head, and in a strange and unexpected way, it’s kind of liberating. Not having to pretend and put on a mask, not having to convince anyone that everything is fine. He’s gotten so used to telling people he’s okay, the words to express himself prove to be hard to grasp. Who knows, maybe one day he’ll get the hang of it.

Dean’s mind goes blank when she deepens the kiss, swiping her tongue against his bottom lip. Her arms close around his neck a little tighter, holding him so close he can feel the warmth coming from her skin. She smells amazing, the scent of her shampoo still lingering in her hair, a sweet smell of a flower he can’t name. He presses his fingertips into her flesh, carefully shifting them under the hem of her tank top, even though he knows very well that he shouldn’t. It isn’t going to take long before he will not be able to stop himself.

She feels him trace her sides, rolling up the fabric of her top as he does so. Normally she would be self-conscious about it, but when she parts from him when running out of air, all she sees in his eyes is adoration and want. Both seem to be waiting for each other, unsure if they should take this further. Afterall, considering what they agreed on, this would be a poor execution of taking things slow.

Without breaking away from her gaze, his left hand travels down, following the curves of her hips. He adds pressure, gently pulling her against him. What she feels through the denim of his jeans has her eyes grow wide. A delightful tension starts to tangle up in her stomach, sinking deeper. Somewhat surprised that she apparently has this effect on him, she takes in a shuddering breath, gazing deep into his eyes. God, she wants to go there, but is he willing to as well? “Are you sure?” she checks with him. Dean doesn’t have to think twice and nods. To hell with it, he’s not going to waste another second. “I want you,” he breathes, his voice husky.

It’s all she’s ever wanted to hear him say. It might not be the confirmation of their relationship she’s been hoping to get eventually; it’s better. He wants her. He wants her.

Free from restraints, she crashes her lips to his and Dean doesn’t hesitate to return the kiss with the same need. All the question marks, the doubt, the thoughts along the line of ‘what if it goes wrong?’ and ‘maybe we shouldn’t do this’ go right out the window. It wouldn’t matter if they waited longer, because if that wake up call taught the cowboy anything, it’s that together or not, it would tear him to pieces if she were ever to leave the ranch. If he’s going to spend this time with her, he better make it worth her while, and maybe, just maybe, she’ll stay with him in the end.

Eventually, his mouth leaves hers and begins to descend, his breath tickling her skin as he ghosts down her neck. Willingly, she rolls her head to her shoulder, offering him space to leave marks on her pulse point, then down her collarbone. The hint of delicious pain has her fighting back a moan, which proves to be challenging, especially when his hands roam down to cover her peach-shaped behind. Trying to distract herself and be useful at the same time, she begins to unbutton his plaid shirt, his touch momentarily interrupted until the piece of clothing falls to the floor in a puddle of blue, soon followed by his white undershirt.

Before Dean urges her closer again, he drags the only chair in the room away from the small table by the window, sitting down and pulling her with him. The wood underneath them creaks when she settles in his lap, her bare knees on either side of the cowboy, holding herself up and leaning into his bare chest. The denim of his jeans stretches over his erection, rubbing against her core. The sheer thought of a few layers of fabric being the only barrier between him and her, sends a surge of heat to dampen her panties. Thank God she chose the lace ones earlier after her shower, the ones she can only wear whenever she’s not spending her day in the saddle. She wonders if he can tell how aroused she is already.

Dean can. He can feel the warmth radiating towards him and he can feel himself growing even harder, too. His breath hitches and he stifles a groan when she rolls her hips, burying his face in the crook of her neck. Ho-ly shit. This might not be how he originally imagined their first time, in this tiny room with thin walls, this one chair and a bunk bed, but it feels so good. He has enveloped her in his arms, his hands roam her body, not leaving a square inch unattended. Without tearing the seams, he pulls the strap of her loosely fitted tank top over one shoulder, the material shifting down. His fingers then reposition to cup her breast, all while he presses kisses on top. When he moves his thumb over her stiff nipple, she pulls in an audible gasp. “Sssh…” he hushes. “Wouldn’t want to wake the neighbors.”

Y/N can’t help it, though. The friction she feels beneath her, combined with the touch of his mouth and his fingertips, is already beginning to build her up. She begins to pant, her lungs pushing out air in quivers. Dean doesn’t stop, however, and continues to knead her breast without hurting her, smothering the sounds she makes with another breathtaking kiss. His other hand has snaked around her waist again, splayed on the small of her back now, spurring her on to move against him. Good God, if he keeps this up, she might come undone without him even actually touching her down there.

The chair creaks louder when she moves against him, triggering Dean to cringe. The old furniture is either going to break or wake everyone in the bunkhouse, and so he pulls Y/N flush against him and stands up. Without missing a beat or breaking the kiss, she folds her legs around his waist as he walks her to the bed. Laying her down and fitting himself on top turns out to be a little more difficult than he thought it would be, the bunk bed limiting his space, but after some shimmying, he manages.

He hovers over the woman he’s about to be intimate with, mesmerized by the sight of her laying underneath him, her chest heaving, her eyes lustful. She’s the definition of gorgeous without even trying. Dude, how the hell did you manage to hold back this long?

The trail of kisses he presses on her stomach has Y/N arching her back, her eyes closed in delight as he travels down. Gently, he opens her legs a little wider, feather light touches electrifying her skin, sending currents towards her center. His hands leave her then, teasingly letting her wait in suspense. She listens, trying to pick up on any sound of him breathing or moving, her senses operating on full capacity. He’s testing her patience like he has done for the past few days. A chill runs down her spine as seconds tick by, but then Dean palms her heat through the fabric of her shorts. She bites her bottom lip at the unexpected connection, her fists clenching the comforter and a moan escaping her throat. This is happening. This is really happening.

Y/N feels him tracing the waistband of her shorts, before hooking his thumbs underneath the hem. He’s about to drag them down and move in, when they hear a door handle being pushed down. Her eyes shoot open in time to see Dean jerk back and sit up startled, hitting his head hard against the top bunk. The collision of his skull with the solid wood creates a loud bang, followed by a strangled groan. He curses through gritted teeth, trying to make as little noise as possible, while outside the room a door shuts. Horrified, they both stare at the other end of the room, not moving a muscle as shuffling footsteps cross the hall, opening another door and closing it again. A toilet seat is lifted up, the person whistling to himself softly. There can be only one person who needs encouragement to relieve himself: Garth.

“For fuck’s sake,” Dean hisses. Y/N is unable to stop a snort, sniggering silently, even though she tries not to. “You okay?” she checks, trying to sound concerned. Not very convincing, apparently, because Dean shoots her a glare, while rubbing the sore spot on his head. The toilet flushes loudly and obscenely, triggering the woman underneath him to giggle unstoppably. When he shushes her, frantically holding his finger to his lips, it achieves the opposite, causing him to break character as well. Doing their best to keep it down, she clasps her hand over her mouth while Dean presses his lips together, trying to compose himself. “You need to be quiet,” he whispers. “I c-can’t”, she hiccups, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Garth heads back to his room, either sleep walking or he’s deaf, because he doesn’t pick up on any of the action happening on the other side of the hall. His door closes, the springs of his bed creak as he gets back in, and silence returns. “Would you stop?” Dean chuckles, poking Y/N’s side when she fails to control her laughing fit. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” she returns, struggling to keep it down. “How’s your head?” “It’s alright,” he claims, ignoring the slight bump when he runs his hand through his hair. “Moment’s gone, ain’t it?”

She wipes the tears from her face, breathing in now that she’s capable again. Comforting, she reaches for his hand. As much as she would like to continue, the circumstances aren’t exactly ideal. Their first time together shouldn’t have to be clumsy and uncomfortable, in a bed that’s too small in a room with paper thin walls. “Rain check?” she proposes. Dean leans in to leave a kiss on her lips. “Rain check. ‘Sides, wouldn’t wanna have to hold back because you can’t keep it down.” She pokes him in his stomach now. “Don’t get cocky.”

Dean scoffs, sliding from the bed without hitting his head this time. Grinning mischievously, he turns around, pulling her to her feet as well. The cowboy takes a second to really look at her again, glad to notice the lack of insecurity in her composure. Her hair is messy, strands escaping the loose bun at the base of her neck, ready for bed in her pajama shorts and a comfortable top. She could have felt self-conscious in this situation, especially since their moment together came to an abrupt and slightly awkward end. But she isn’t, she feels at ease when she’s with him. A small smile forms on the cowboy’s lips.

“You should get some sleep. We’ll skip the afternoon siestas, now that the temperatures are droppin’, so we’ll start an hour and a half later tomorrow. I figured you might wanna train Meadow first thing in the morning?” he suggests, picking up his shirts from the floor. Y/N agrees, glad that she’s being given the space to focus on Congress. “Dean, about that…” He glances back, patiently waiting for the follow up. “I was wondering if you could maybe help me out with my freestyle?” she asks, a little shy. “Yeah, of course,” the head wrangler responds without hesitation. “Great,” she breathes, relieved. “And there’s this other thing.” Dean steps closer, laying his shirt and flannel over his shoulder so that he has his hands free and can lace his fingers with hers. “What is it?” “I was hoping you could coach me,” she says, looking up at him. “Not just at home, but when I have to compete in Columbus, too.”

Humbled, he gazes back, the corners of his mouth curving up. Coaching such a skilled rider as Y/N would be an absolute privilege, and with the trainers he knows she’s had, he’s surprised she’s asking him. Sure, the connection they have personally is there on a much more professional level as well, but they are talking Congress here, the biggest show of the year, and possibly the most important one of her career. Apparently, she has as much faith in his abilities to guide her as he has faith in her talent. “It’ll be my pleasure,” he states. “Really?” Y/N responds, thrilled. “Hell, yeah,” Dean says, excited. “I’ll have to check with management if I can get time off for Congress, but I have plenty of days left. Plus, I think Ellen is kinda rooting for us.” She chuckles, but then does a double take. “Wait, what? Ellen knows we’re together? I - I mean, not together together, I get that we’re not an item--” “-Ellen knows,” he grins, squeezing her hand when he interrupts her nervous train of words. “I think basically everyone knows by now, except Garth and Bobby.”

A little uneasy Y/N glances from their hands up into his eyes. Wait… Is she reading too much into his words? He didn’t correct her when she used the term ‘together’. Why didn’t he? Is he worried he might upset her again? If anything, she doesn’t want to push him to oblige to something he’s not ready for. “Dean, I know we just… I didn’t mean--” She pauzes, collects herself and starts over. “I know you’re not ready for a relationship and that’s fine, we had that conversation already. I’m not trying to rush you.” “You’re not rushin’ me,” he assures, calmly. “I just needed a wake up call in order to pull my head out of my ass.” The woman before him hesitates, “W-what do you mean?”

The wrangler wets his lips, taking a second to choose his words carefully. “When your old man called, for a minute I thought you were about to hop on a plane and that I was never gonna see you again,” he admits. “And - uh, it kinda freaked me out, to be honest.” He huffs, barely able to believe what he’s about to say. “I’m not gonna keep you waitin’ any longer, Yankee. I know I said I want you, earlier, but truth is…”

Y/N watches him glance down at their hands again, running his thumb over her knuckles. Nerves close off her throat, because she has a hunch that he’s about to break it to her; he doesn’t want the commitment.

Tears begin to prick in her eyes, but not from laughter this time. She knew it was going to be difficult to get close to him. Dean keeps to himself, probably because he cared too much in the past and learned his lesson the hard way. The possibility of her leaving spooked him today, and now he’s done. He doesn’t want to risk that kind of heartbreak, he doesn’t want to rely on anyone. Dean Winchester would rather fill his world with a hundred shallow and meaningless flings than with one solid partner, and this is him setting her free, before things get out of -- “I wanna be with you.”

Her racing mind, which was breaking the speed limit, hits a brick wall. Shocked, she pulls her eyes away from their entwined fingers, gazing at him almost dumbfoundedly. Did he just say he wants to be with me? “W-what?” she stammers. “I mean, if you’ll still have me,” Dean adds, a little unsettled by her response. “Look, I know I’m not exactly an open book and that I behave like a dick sometimes when you try to get through to me. I’m stubborn as hell and my communication skills need some work—”

Now it’s Y/N who cuts him off for a change, closing the gap and kissing him passionately. He eases into her, smiling against her lips and leaves a peck on her hair when she embraces him and buries her face under his chin. Relieved, he allows the breath he was holding to leave his lungs. “So, what do you say?” he asks, cocking his head back slightly to be able to look her in the eye again. “Up for a challenge?” “Are we talking about us training together for Congress, or us as a couple?” she checks, regaining her footing again. Dean frowns and chuckles at that. “Both.” She doesn’t need time to think. She knew the answer to this question long before Dean was ready to ask. “Yes,” she beams. “Hell, yes.”

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page).

Read part eighteen here

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wroteasongabouther · 6 years

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fratboy!harry - part 17

so basically this was just going to be a blurb explaining alex and his relationship with y/n but it turned out to be like 5k words and good enough to be an official part so yeah enjoy lol -- give me feedback too!!

fratboy!harry tag >>> story page >>> pinterest inspiration board

The morning was quick and loud, reminding you of when you were just a kid - right down to Bailey being stuck to your leg the whole time. Only thing missing was Luke. Nagging you to get out of the shower, to stop playing your crappy Bieber music too loud, and you nagging him for a ride to school while he steal your sandwich so you have to make a new one. That all stopped during your senior year of high school, yet sometimes it felt like just yesterday. Especially today as you drive your mom’s car just out of town to your dad’s house where he’s obviously still asleep as you pound on the front door.

Luke’s death only added onto the crap your dad was going through in life. Mom left him, got married and had another kid, then your grandparents died so he took their house for himself here surrounded by green forest, and then Luke passed. It broke him. You frown while leaning over to hit the doorbell again.

“Dad,” you call through the door.

You hear some mumbling before the front door opens up and reveals your father. A smile tugs on your lips at the sight of him, you’ve missed him. Dressed in an old tshirt and flannel pajama pants, he wipes sleep from his hooded hazel eyes and stares at you.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” He asks, confusion on his face as you walk into his house.

“Dad,” you sigh, “we talked last month, I texted you yesterday after I landed,” you exclaim while setting your bag down on the couch. You don’t miss the few dirty dishes on the coffee table or the open bag of chips on the far side of the couch. Still a mess it seems.

“Oh, right, right,” he mumbles and shuts the front door. “Let me just get dressed really quick, make yourself at home,” he calls while making his way back upstairs to where the master bedroom was located in the small home.

When you were like five years old, your parents had bought the house your mom currently lived in. It was a perfect home for a perfect family. Till the perfect family fell apart, the screaming and fighting and then the lawyers and packing. It was tough. Your dad lived in an apartment for the first year, it was small and cramped up, then your grandma died and one week later your grandpa did. Although you were sure your dad didn’t want to, he moved into his dead parents house and barely had time to remodel the old people feel to it. But you liked it, it was good for him.

After about ten minutes of scrolling on your phone, looking through Instagram and Snapchat, you dad reappears and offers you some coffee. You turn around on the couch and watch him walk through the dining room into the small kitchen.

“I’m alright, thanks though,” you say.

“I was thinking,” your dad pauses as he enters the room with a fresh mug of coffee after a minute, “we should invite Alex although today,” he smiles.

“Uh,” you pause and shrug a shoulder, “sure,” you nod.

“You know, him and his family had me over for Thanksgiving,”

“Yeah, he mentioned that,”

“You guys still talk?” Your dad raises a brow.

“Not like that dad,” you chuckle, “not anymore,” you add while picking at the loose thread on your jeans.

“Why not? You and Alex were good, you know what they day distance makes the heart grow fonder,” your dad says. You give him a small smile but shake your head at him. “Oh come on, kiddo, the guy still loves ya. Don’t think he ever hasn’t, even after Luke’s warning,” your dads smile doesn’t reach his smile this time. Mentioning Luke still felt like a knife to the chest. But his statement add to the ache in your chest. You had Harry now, not that your father knew just yet, but something told you when you mentioned it he was gonna frown and go off on how perfect Alex was for you.

“I’ll shot him a text,” you say and pat his knee as he drinks his coffee.

hey i’m in town, my dad wants to know if you’d like to join us for breakfast??

Hey! Sure, what time?

probably like 30ish minutes, at iHop?

By the shore?

yes

Kk meet you guys there

“Lucky for you,” you pause and look at your dad, “Alex actually woke up a decent time today,”

“Oh good, it’ll be just like before ya left,” he smiles before standing up and disposing of his mug in the kitchen. You force another tight smile while standing up from the couch and gathering your purse and your moms keys again.

“We should get going, did you want to drive?” you ask your dad.

“Sure,” he nods and finds his own keys on the mess of the coffee table. “Meant to clean this up last night,” he mumbles, but you are well aware he’s lying.

Driving in your dad’s work truck takes you back to your younger days. When you’d push in your Jonas Brothers CD, crank it loud, roll down the window and catch your dad singing along with you. Of course that would all stop once you guys picked Luke up from hockey practice and he winced till you turned off your music. Now, you sat in the front seat looking out the window at the ferry boats on the sea and enjoyed the bit of silence between your two.

“The kid beat us here,” your dad bellows as he passes the hostess and sees Alex seated at a table by the window.

You turn away from the smiling hostess - whom you recognized from school, maybe a year younger than you - and look to where your dad was walking off to. Alex stands from his seat as your dad approaches him. He’s wearing some blue jeans, white shirt and a grey zip up sweater over top - and you can tell he’s definitely been working out.

“Hey coach,” Alex grins while embracing your dad in a hug. As he is, he looks over your dad shoulder at sees you. You can’t help but blush under his stare.

“Oh quit calling my coach, would ya,” your dad teases him as their embrace comes to an end.

“You coached him since he was just a kid, dad,” you say while stepping forward and rolling your eyes at him. Your dad simply judges you before taking his seat. “Hey,” you smile at Alex.

“Hey,” he breathes out.

“Give me a hug,” you chuckle. As you wrap your arms around Alex’s torso and his fall around your too, you feel a sense of familiarity. This was what your later high school years were like, hugging Alex and smelling his musky cologne. He was your first love, and you never forgot a thing about your first love.

The hug ends, you smile up at Alex, then take a seat next to your dad while Alex sits across the table from the both of you. He really hadn’t changed that much in the few months since you’ve seen him last. But there’s a pang in your chest as he sits there, across the table from you, and you can’t really explain why you get that feeling. Alex was great, both as a person and to you. He had been best friends with Luke since they were just kids, became pretty much attached at the hip through their years growing up, which meant you saw a lot of Alex. It started off as some stupid little crush on the smiley brown haired messy boy. Then one day, he brushed his hand against yours in the bathroom between yours and Luke’s room, and the look in his eyes told you that he liked you too.

As your dad had pointed out earlier, Luke had warned Alex off as you got older and he noticed his best friend taking a liking to his little sister. But that didn’t stop Alex from asking you to be his date to his senior prom. Luke acted as though he hated it, but then he said he was sort of happy it was someone he trusted dating you instead of some other douchebag. Things weren’t always easy with you and Alex, but they lasted up till the winter of your senior year. He broke it off and the next time you saw him he had a black eye courtesy of your lovely big brother.

“How’s school?” Alex asks after the waitress takes your orders.

“It’s good, I aced my midterms, but let me tell you calculus freaking sticks,” you exclaim before taking a sip of your water.

“Always been the smart one,” your dad says, obviously not catching what he had said as he looks at the smaller promotion menu. But you and Alex catch it, looking at each other with tight smiles. Luke barely graduated. He and Alex skipped more classes than they’d like to admit. While you were a straight A student and your parents loved to brag about it.

“Thanks dad,” you say, “anyways, how’s school for you?”

“It’s fine, school sucks, you know,” Alex shrugs.

“You’re done upgrading, right?”

“Yeah, next semester I can start taking college courses,”

“Maybe you can go to Arizona State with Y/N,” your dad smiles.

You widen your eyes at the seriousness in your dads voice. He truly was the biggest fan of yours and Alex’s. He was just as heartbroken about your two breaking up as you were. You swear he had been playing the damn wedding already.

“I, uh,” Alex chuckles and his gaze falls to the table for a quick second, “I don’t know about that one, coach,”

“You’re telling me you never once thought about ASU? Especially with how much Luke mentioned it,” you dad says. You gaze down at your glass of water at the mention of your brothers again. Even after all this time, just hearing his name aloud makes your chest hurt.

“Exactly, ASU was always Luke’s plan, it was never mine,” Alex shrugs.

“Yeah, and you know I’m always the one stealing Luke’s ideas,” you joke, nudging your dad harshly with your elbow. He chuckles, nudging you back and your heart nearly bursts at the interaction. He seems better, which lets you finally breathe again instead of worrying about him all the time.

Your food is brought out to the table then, your mouth waters at the sight of your waffles covered with enormous glops of whipped cream and lots of strawberries. The moment the plate is placed in front of you you’re cutting a big bite and stuffing it into your face. It’s not till you’re half way through chewing, cutting off more and lifting it to your mouth, that you see Alex watching your every move.

“What?” you question, covering your mouth since it’s still full of food.

Alex just chuckles and shakes his head, “haven’t changed a bit,” he says.

“Shut it,” you narrow your eyes.

Some more conversation about life goes on through bites of food. Alex talks about his job, your dad chats about how his company is doing and the yard work he wants to get done. Of course Alex is a sweetheart and offers to give him a hand. The laughter and smiles, sitting with your dad and your ex boyfriend who’s still a great friend to you, this was exactly what you had hoped for this morning.

“Hey, tell me about that boyfriend of yours,” Alex teases as you all pick at the last bites on your plates. You nearly choke on your water, which only makes Alex’s smile grow.

“Boyfriend?” your dad questions, his voice both confused and upset. There goes his hopes and dreams of getting you and Alex back together.

“Uh, yeah,” you nod and set down your water, “his name is Harry,” you state.

“Had no idea you were seeing anyone,” your dad says.

“It’s been a few months, and you know when I told mom she wasn’t all that excited. Guess I just forgot to mention it to you,” you shrug.

“So, what’s he like?” you dad asks, having a bite of toast before looking to you. This was so weird. Talking about your current boyfriend with your ex boyfriend and your dad who didn’t really talk to your about your life. It was just weird.

“He’s great,” you nod, “he’s from the UK, studies computer sciences, is really sweet, treats me nice, an amazing soccer player,” you list off some things worthy enough to share with your company.

“Sounds like a decent guy,” your dad nods.

“Yeah,” Alex nods in agreement, “from your Snapchat stories and things, he seems really nice, Y/N,” he gives you a small smile.

“He is,” you mirror his smile. Then when you turn back to your dad who’s staring back at you, you feel like a little girl again as you pull out your phone and unlock it. “Wanna see a picture of us?”

“Sure,” he chuckles as you lean into your dad and bring up a photo you had of you and Harry on your camera roll. It’s in his Range Rover, you lifted the camera up high and snapped the photo one day as he stopped at a red light - turning to smile for the camera without a question before driving again. It makes you smile, totally forgetting about your first love sitting across the table.

Your dad pays for the whole bill, which Alex fuses over for a minute before you simply give him a look while getting up from the table. He pouts out a bottom lip and mouths ‘sorry’, and you swear you’re having deja vu - only this time you don’t walk up into his big chest and kiss his pouty lips.

“You know,” Alex pauses to hold the door open for the three of you, “you should come hangout tonight, we’re gonna drink at Stephan’s and then go out to The Black Dog,” he explains.

You glance over to see your dad getting into his truck while the two of you stop directly in front of the truck. A piece of you wants to say yes, but then another piece of you wants to say no. You run a hair through your hair and tug your cardigan around your body as a cold breeze blows by.

“Come,” Alex urges you.

“Okay, okay,” you chuckle. “Just text me later about it, my dad’s waiting,”

“Feels like I’m 18 again,” Alex smirks.

You roll your eyes and chuckle again, “I know what you mean,” you say.

“See you later,” he says, bringing his arms around you for a quick hug before you’re walking over to your dads truck and jumping in.

This morning went well, you think as your dad drives you two back towards his place. But now all you can think about was how tonight was going to go. Maybe agreeing to hangout with Alex and his friends, who were only yours because you were dating him and Luke was your brother, was a mistake. Guess you’ll have to wait and see.

“Oh shut up!”

“Yeah we missed you so much, it’s so great you’re back!”

“Oh, thanks,” you shrink back in the couch at Stephan’s house as Mary and Jill sit on either side of you, grinning since you arrived claiming there was too many guys around. They had been friends with Alex and Luke through high school, always the two girls that actually stuck around till you showed up upon the start of yours and Alex’s relationship. Then you two broke up and you rarely saw these two - till Luke passed away and your world took an entire 1-80.

Some people handle grieving well and you thought that you would be one of those people. Never did you think that you’d end up drinking your sorrows away, sleeping with your ex boyfriend again repeatedly and getting tattoos scattered over your body to reflect the pain you felt inside of you. But one day you sucked it all up, shipping yourself off to ASU and got your shit together - leaving everyone in Seattle behind.

“Here,” Alex walks up, his leg bumping into your knee, staring down at you while passing you an unopened cooler.

“Thanks,” you smile before he walks away again to where the boys were all hanging out.

“You know,” Mary pauses while leaning closer to you, “Alex really hasn’t dated anyone since you,”

“Yeah we’re pretty sure he’s still hung up on you,” Jill nods.

“Oh,” you breathe out, cracking open the cooler while glancing across the room where Alex stood. He looks over his shoulder and catches your stare, smiling before turning back to the guys and engaging in their conversation again. You shake your head and tilt your drink back to have a good hefty sip. You weren’t into Alex anymore, yeah a piece of you would always love him but that was because he was still your friend and he was Luke’s best friend throughout his entire life pretty much. But you weren’t in love with Alex anymore. You were pretty sure Harry filled that place in your heart now.

The bar sucked as much as it did when you were under aged and showing your fake to get in. You did have some fun on the small dance floor, Snapchatting some videos onto your story - you’d dance with the girls, lift up your drink and then smile at the camera before posting it. By midnight you had enough drinks and were damn tired too.

“You alright?” Alex asks as he joins you at the bar where you had taken a breather. You were just checking who had looked at your story, noticing Harry’s name near the top. It was morning across seas now.

“Yeah,” you smile towards Alex and rest your cheek in the palm of your hand.

“Tired out?” He chuckles.

“Yeah,” you repeat, letting out a sharp breath to blow away a strand of hair that was in front of your face.

“You’re having fun, right?” Alex furrows his brows before taking a sip of his beer.

“I am,” you nod, “I party like this almost every weekend now, don’t ya know, dating a bloody fratboy,” you chuckle and so does Alex at your shit British accent. Always liked to pull that one out while you were drunk.

“I’ve seen,” Alex says.

“Oh, speak of the devil!” You smile as you catch Harry’s name and face on the screen of your phone. Picking it up, you swipe your finger across the screen and lift it to your ear while plugging the other to block out the music and sounds around the bar. “Hey!” you say with utter excitement. You missed Harry.

“Hey,” he echoes, his voice less excited though.

You hold up a finger to Alex and walk towards the front doors of The Black Dog. “What’s up?” You ask.

“Just laying in bed,” Harry all but sighs out.

“Oh, another one of these calls, huh?” You tease.

“You’re drunk,” he states.

“Yeah,” you chuckle, “I’m just out with some old friends,” you add.

“Saw that,” he mumbles. Something was up, even in your drunk state you were catching onto his uneasy tone and short answers. You sigh and lean against the brick wall, shivering as the cold temperatures of Seattle hit you - you were only wearing a tube top and high waisted jeans. Not exactly ideal with the winter weathers here.

“What’s wrong?” You ask in a quiet voice, aware of the fact one of Alex’s buddies is smoking a few feet away from you.

“Nothing,” Harry answers.

“Really?” You’re annoyed now. “Just tell me what’s wrong, H,” you say.

“Who’s the guy? You’ve been Snapping him all day in your story,” he grunts. You recall Alex being in your snap of your waffles this morning, and then during the pre drinks at Stephan’s he was in the shot of you all lifting your drinks into the air. Finally there was the selfie you posted of you two, both puckering up for the camera just moments ago before you sat at the bar.

“My friend from home-“

“That’s rich,”

“You’re not even going to let me explain, really?” You shout out, Alex’s friend looks towards you now. You try to ignore him as he puts out his cigarette and walks back inside to leave you alone to shout at your boyfriend in peace.

“I’m supposed to just believe you’ve been drinkin’ and having breakfast with some old friend and that’s it,” Harry shouts back at you.

“You’re supposed to trust your damn girlfriend Harry!” You say, wanting to kick at the wall or throw your phone from the amount of anger pulsing through you.

“How do you think I feel waking up and watching my girlfriend with some guy I have no idea about, huh?” His voice is a bit quieter but it’s still laced with anger.

“Fine, want to know who Alex is?” Your stomach twists and turns from the frustration you’re feeling and maybe the ton of liquor you’ve had to drink too. “Alex is my ex, ok? He was a childish crush turned into my first fucking love, alright? He means a lot to me and is still one of my best fucking friends because-“ you swallow your words as you’re about to blabber on about how you’d always keep Alex as a friend because that’s what your brother would want. Telling Harry about Luke like this wasn’t how you wanted to tell him.

“Please, keep telling me about how much you still love you’re bloody ex boyfriend, little bird,” Harry hisses out the nickname like it’s venom on his lips. It breaks your heart.

You don’t respond right away, instead you breathe in till your chest feels tight and your eyes are watering. This was not how you wanted your night to go. A few tears fall down your cheeks as all the emotions you’ve felt the past twenty four hours hits you. Everything with Luke and with Alex and now Harry, it was too much.

“Y/N,” Harry’s voice is softer after the moment of quiet through the phone.

“Yeah,” you hiccup out the response.

“Y/N,” you turn around and see it’s Alex calling out your name this time. Harry stays quiet while you stare at Alex, keeping the phone pressed to your ear. “Did you want to go home?” He asks, eyes as soft as you needed them to be.

You nod at Alex, your bottom lip quivering as he steps closer. “I’ll call you later, Harry,” you say into the phone before hanging up and stepping into Alex’s open arms.

“Hey, hey, shhh, it’s okay,” Alex comforts you as you sob into his chest. Thank god he had changed into a black vneck instead of a white shirt so you didn’t stain it with your mascara.

“I—I can’t go home, Alex,” you gasp for air while the uncontrollable sobbing continues. You feel your phone buzzing in your jean pocket as you cry into Alex’s chest. With Harry’s words still fresh in your mind and the thoughts of Luke, you feel like you can’t breathe. You’d also blame it on the liquor. “His room is right there and I haven’t gone in yet and I want to but it’s too much-“ you break out into more sobs as you explain yourself to Alex.

“It’s okay, you can stay at my place if you want,” he mumbles into your hair as he hugs you. His body heat warms you up immediately.

“O—okay,” you hiccup.

Alex drops his arms from around you, only to grab ahold of your hand as you wipe your face with your other and he hails down a taxi. The two of you both get into the back seat and he gives the driver an address while he rubs his thumb on the back of your hand. You still feel like crying, but you can’t in the back of a taxi that’d be an all time low. You inhale sharply and then let out a sigh as your phone buzzed again. Alex tugs your arm gently till you are leaning against him and resting your head on his shoulder.

“It’ll be on debit,” Alex says as the taxi pulls up to his apartment building. Same place he’s lived at since he moved out after graduation.

You remember how Luke wanted to move out too but your mom told him he could live rent free and live his life as he wanted to since he was an adult as long as he was still respectful. He was of course, being her favourite child as always. Luke would crash on Alex’s couch some nights - he only slept over once when you had and that next morning was awkward enough to start communicating of when you’d be there overnight or not. Then you two broke up and Luke spent more time at home too. But of course bros will be bros and the bruise barely healed before they were cool again.

“Did you want anything?” Alex asks as he opens the door of his place. He leaves you behind in the small living room as he walks into the even smaller kitchen. “Water?”

“Please,” You croak out. Alex returns with a glass of water and hands it to you. You don’t waste a second before drinking half of it.

“Thirsty, hey?” Alex jokes.

“Yeah,” you hum. Your head hurts already, seems your hangover as arriving early since your boyfriend started a fight from over the ocean and you finally broke down about your brother in god knows how long.

“What happened back there? Seth came in, said you were shouting at someone on the phone,” Alex states.

“It was stupid, we’ll get over it tomorrow,” you mumble before finishing off your glass of water. “Always do,” you echo the words that were once said by Jess from the last fight you and Harry had.

“I think I have something for you to sleep in,” Alex says, respecting the fact you didn’t want to get into the conversation that was your boyfriend being a jealous dick. You follow him down the hallway to the bedroom, as he flicks the light on you see it’s recently been cleaned. Years ago you would’ve cleaned up around this apartment, done dishes and laundry downstairs with the coins he’d leave around.

“Thanks,” you whisper out as Alex sets down some old sweatpants and a tshirt on the bed.

Alex stands up straight, looking at you for a long moment. You keep the eye contact for much longer than you would’ve if you hadn’t been drinking tonight. He sighs and takes a step towards you, with his closeness you feel your chest tighten up.

“You were my first love too, you know,” Alex says softly as he reaches up and brushes a strand of hair behind your ear.

He had heard the end of your call with Harry. Your cheeks heat up instantly, causing Alex to chuckle. His smile is genuine and makes your lips tug upwards too. His hand cups the side of your face, he brushes the pad of his thumb just close to your lips and your skin tingles from the contact. For a moment you’re seventeen again and falling in love for the first time. But then as you notice Alex’s eyes drifting downwards, you snap back to reality - where you’re falling in love with someone else who’s currently in the UK and upset with you. You sigh and step out of Alex’s touch.

“I think I love Harry now,” you blurt out aloud of the first time.

“You don’t think so, Y/N,” Alex pauses as your eyes find his again and he shows you a small smile, “you love him, so tell him. Trust me, it’ll make the mans life a lot better,”

You nod your head, unsure of how to respond to him. There’s more behind his words. A hint of jealousy even. You swallow hard and look away from his stare again.

“You uh,” Alex pauses and you glance up at him, “you can sleep in here, I’ll take the couch,”

“I’m sorry,” you say.

Alex forces his smile, “it’s okay, just-“ he stops to think about his next words, “you’ll always be my best fucking friend too, Y/N,” he grins. You chuckle and shake your head at him before he walks towards the door.

“Goodnight,”

“Night, sleep tight,” he says before shutting the door behind him.

It’s not till you’re dressed in the clothes Alex had left for you, swimming in both the top and bottoms cause they’re so big, that you look at your phone. There was four texts from Harry and one from your mom. You open your moms first.

Where are you?

I’m spending the night at Alex’s, be home in the morning.

You know she’s have a few words for you tomorrow. But that was a problem for then, when she could call you a slut to your face for all you cared. As you said before, Luke was her favourite kid and that didn’t change after his passing. She’s always complain about you and look down on you for any choices you made. Especially spending the night at your ex boyfriends house without any context.

How do you expect to me act when you act like this??

This is bullshit and you fucking know it… please try and think of a good lie to tell me when we talk later for you hanging up on me for your ex

You’re making me crazy

Sleep with him and we’re over

Tears spill down your face as you read over Harry’s texts. You turn off the bedroom light and slowly make your way into Alex’s bed - very much alone - while imaging how upset Harry must be. This wasn’t how you wanted things to be. You didn’t want to fight with him during the holidays, you wanted him to trust you and understand things but you knew you needed to explain the whole story for him to get why Alex meant so much to you. You just didn’t use the right words tonight, and you’d blame the liquor for that one.

As you read them for a tenth time over again, you feel anger this time. Did he really think you’d cheat on him? After all the shit with Lindsey and with him reacting how he did with Thomas? Your chest aches while you type out your response.

I’d never do that. Never. Just fucking trust me for god sakes Harry. I’m going to sleep now.

You want to type out so much more. You want to type those three burning words. But you know if you were to send back everything you’re feeling, the sadness and the hurt and the anger, it’s only add fuel to the fire at this point. You sigh and wipe away your tears before setting your phone on the pillow beside you and rolling over to try and sleep. Thing was, the sheets spent so much like him. Like your first fucking love and your brothers best fucking friend. Your fists curl up with the blanket in your hands as you squeeze your eyes tightly. Everything hurts again.

#fratboy!harry #duhh duh duhhhuhuhuhuh #not so smooth sailing for the lovely couple #next chapter will be out friday as planned :))#you're welcome for the extra unplanned part lol #TALK TO ME ABOUT THIS THO #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagines

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unhinged-diaries-blog · 6 years

Text

Does she or doesn’t she: 6 letter silence

My SIL S told me she thought everything was good and once my brother J got home he told her about the mass and at that point she wanted him to call or my mom to speak. I don’t think Mom understands the gravity that she has cancer. We’re trying to get her on Obamacare but it’s difficult because she makes too much and they count her social security, dads social security and pension (she’s making about 30K) a year.

She officially has moved in with J which is a god send because she has a real bed, somebody to help her with doctor appointments etc. I’m sitting here studying for a quiz tomorrow and all I think is if the appointment she just went to said it was sinus infection which caused her to lose 10% of her normal voice and if it hurts to swallow which is causing her to lose weight and if there is a small mass in her long to me that is potential he saying it is metastatic cancer and if there is cancer in her long it could potentially have spread to her throat which is causing her to lose her voice

This to me means in all theories it is metastatic cancer. My brother and his wife have diligently looked into this without any confirmation from the doctor and it is quite difficult to go to a doctor especially when one does not have health insurance especially when one does not intend to pay the bills due to limited funds etc. my brother is trying everything he can to get her on Arizona’s government insurance but they drag their feet and less you are counting at their doors and we are in a time where we feel well rather I feel we don’t have the time to fuck around and we are in a position where my mother desperately needs Health insurance to get the scans read and to diagnose if it is cancer which more than likely it is

if there is a black mass in her left lung from years of smoking etc. that it’s telling me it is cancer and with the CT scan she has already taken and from gathering information my brother mentioned at stage to because when taking a CT scan they cannot diagnose it stage one with the scan because it is too early in stage one; however with stage two it tells the doctor through scans that this is where were at

Months ago maybe even weeks ago I had spoken with my mother and I said let’s start over I know we have a shit relationship because your alcoholism and your disease and I want to put this behind us and I want to start fresh but I knew last month she didn’t have a lot of time left it wasn’t a good feeling but it was a feeling that you need to take a video and pictures of your mother because you don’t have long. I don’t understand it when it comes to my family because when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer he had seven months with radiation and if we can afford radiation which we clearly cannot how much time does she have left without a diagnosis

We were talking weeks it’s not the fact that I want celebrate another birthday with her and it’s not the fact that she won’t get to see my children or see me graduate from University it’s the fact that you’re growing up we wasted so much fucking time dealing with her alcoholism her anger her nastiness her outburst and now here I am sitting at almost 33 to break down and cry because if I break down and cry am not gonna stop in if I can’t stop I can’t continue doing this no cards and studying for this fucking quiz I have tomorrow I can’t just sit here and do nothing but I am at a point where I cannot save her I’m not God oh I can do is fucking wait that is the worst fucking feeling in the entire world is just waiting for a phone call just him and my mom dies should be more emotional and when I’m speaking about this voice is shaking my leg is shaking and I feel like I’m in a bad fucking dream

My husband, sister-in-law, and brother say not to freak out but how can you not freak out when one and likely my mom has lung cancer I might possibly have COPD and my mom possibly more than likely has emphysema - I can’t go on without her how I feel I’m in a relationship is so fucking complicated I’m not looking at the past I’m looking at right now and right now she’s 500 miles away I am completely fucking broke and I want to go see her I want to talk to her but what do you say when someone is dying when someone has a death sentence of how much time you have I can’t really speak with her because her voice is pretty much gone so I’m basically back almost 5 years ago when my grandpa and I chose not to go see him I’m choosing not to speak with her because it hurts me when it really is killing her

My oldest brother called me and he said he probably heard the news we talked I stayed very emotionally distant to where I don’t give a fuck about work or his finances and I asked him why are you still borrowing money from Mom and he said I’m not making as much as I did last year and if you’re not making as much as last year and you just brought a new child into the world and you’re still borrowing money from your very sick mother in my eyes you were a piece of shit and in my eyes you need a new fucking job

I asked him if his wife is working and he said no she’s on a brand new medication for her postpartum and I’m just thinking if her postpartum is this bad after your third child why the fuck would you have another child? I know I shouldn’t judge but if you are clearly mentally sick and clearly not doing your job on how to make your mental health better for not only you but your children when she take the proper precautions to maybe you know he’s fucking birth-control or tire tubes or even had your husband snapped and I know it’s not my body it’s not my choice and I shouldn’t be judging but this is going to impact for small children’s lives

I didn’t touch him I didn’t tell him how I felt I straightout asked him why are you still borrowing money when you are working why aren’t you making your bills and he’s like here’s the thing no motherfucker here’s the thing our mother is dying doesn’t have a lot of time left get another fucking job it’s what I wanted to scream at him I mean this dude just turned 44 with four kids and a bat shit crazy wife is trying to score drugs via mail what it’s going to happen when mom dies? You’re going to get elected? You gonna have to find a new apartment because you made the bonehead decision of staying in a luxury apartment where you are clearly making enough money, you have a mentally sick wife, you have a newborn and three additional children and you are basically living in a roach infested luxury apartment

Obviously comes from emotion and all this comes from anger but he continually makes these boneheads I’m sure he may have the weight of the world and he’s the only one working and he has a family to take care of but he’s clearly not taking care of his family if he is still borrowing $1000 a month from my mother when she makes between two and 2 1/2 thousand dollars a month

I could hold this against him but what’s the point it’s not gonna change the fact that my mother has a mass in her left long and has lost 10% of her regular voice it’s not gonna change the fact that my brother is a piece of shit and shouldn’t be borrowing money and should be taking care of his family and his bat shit crazy sick wife

This is why I just want to burn down Facebook and all social media because I can’t do this I can’t think how much pain my mom is in and if she can’t smoke for her medical marijuana for her glaucoma how was she going to deal with the pain? There is CBD oil’s, there is edibles and if it gets to the point where we have to make her comfortable how can we make her comfortable if my brother is still borrowing money?

This is why it is so important for cannabis reform. If you have any type a thing that aids in helping someone’s pain why would you not regulated? If you see someone dying of cancer or some god awful genetic disease and the only relief they have is from cannabis and state you were living in is making it illegal to attain it we clearly do not live in a free country if this is the war on drugs that we have here which is complete and utter bullshit

So please try or do keep me in your prayers keep my mom in your prayers ... I don’t know how long she has but we just got to make the best of this winter

#emphysema #Small cell lung cancer #lung cancer #glaucoma #mother #alcoholism #personal #how do you cope #mine #s #perspective

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themisfitthrone · 6 years

Text

i was tagged in 3 tag games in the last day or so and instead of making 3 separate posts in which i tag much of the same people, i decided to consolidate. i love you all who tagged me.

uh....idk if i have anyone to tag? you guys kind of covered everyone i WOULD tag. i guess @flowerparrish, @colormekorrasami, @jordanetalaredead, @megayest, @twin-ace, @lakesandquarries, @peachy-shrimp, and @hotdamnlookatthispan.... if any of these look interesting, you should totally do them!

okay everything under the cuuuuut

tag game number one: tagged by the sweetest human, @carrie-frances

what’s your favourite song(s) to sing/hum? this is a tough one? currently i’ve been singing You by Keaton Henson a lot and also Ophelia by The Lumineers. Let Her Go by Passenger is another goodie for singing lately. Oh and Lost Boy!!!! by Ruth B.

what’s your favourite flower/tree/plant? I love nature wow. My favorite tree is definitely a Weeping Cherry Tree or Willow. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and roses! Plants in general, I just really love cacti? It’s a product of having family I adore in Arizona haha

what do you always doodle? hm... cats, mostly

how do you take your tea/coffee? With plenty of splenda and some milk

favourite candle scent? Vanilla, mostly. just sweet things

what perfume do you wear? body sprays from bath and bodyworks, usually vanilla or peach

what’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone? i have zero clue haha

favourite quote? i don’t know off of the top of my head! perhaps the one i have tattooed, from star wars. “luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”

favourite self care routine? putting on good smelling lotions. reading a book. snuggling oliver. calling someone i love.

fuzzy socks or house slippers? both! but mostly fuzzy socks

what colour are your eyes? just plain ole brown

what’s your favourite eye colour on others? idk? i think blue or green but i adore brown eyes on everyone

favourite season? why? autumn, i like the colors and the clothes and the smells

cheek, neck or nose kisses? cheek! but the real MVP are forehead ones

what does your happy place look like? the beach but without all the people. or a quiet forest with light filtering in

favourite breed of dog? i’ve always loved boxers the most, and cavaliers

do you ever want to be married? if so, what colours would you pick for your wedding theme? yes, i think i do? i don’t know what colors, it’s always changing. i think it depends on the person i’m with because their input would matter. i’d want the colors to be whatever colors they think of when they see me and vice versa

cursive or print? it’s a solid mix but mostly print

favourite weather? raining and warm, but not thundering

tag game number two: tagged by the amazing @dancyon

— What was your last…

1. Drink: iced tea

2. Phone call: my aunt calling with some hard news

3. Text message: my aunt with an update

4. Song you listened to: love me by the 1975

5. Time you cried: yesterday and i’m gonna cry later today @ love, simon

6. Dated someone twice: yeah

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: for sure

8. Been cheated on: by two different people, apparently im easy to cheat on

9. Lost someone special: sadly, i’ve lost a few

10. Been depressed: lmao got that good good depression goblin

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: god yeah whoops sorry friends

— Fave colours

12. purple (any shade really)

13. blue (any shade really)

14. soft yellow

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: ahhhh!!!! yes i have ♥

16. Fallen out of love: hhhhhhhhhh

17. Laughed until you cried: probably

18. Found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah

19. Met someone who changed you: yeah, in more ways than one

20. Found out who your friends are: idk???? kinda yeah

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: uh i think i have my ex still

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: majority

23. Do you have any pets: my boy @ollycat and then my dogs and cats @ my parents house

24. Do you want to change your name: i actually did but now i’m back to my birthname bc being NB is one big ???? of what do i want

25. What did you do for your last birthday: oh shit well w my friends i got drunk on rum, dressed up like a pirate, and played d&d. and then fam was the usual cheesecake factory adventure

26. What time did you wake up today: uh around 8 something officially?

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i fell asleep before midnight? if not i was watching Critical Role

28. What is something you can’t wait for: my next tattoo!!

30. What are you listening to right now: just the sounds of my grandparents house

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have an ex named Tom and a Grandpa named Tom

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: just like....everything about this breakup and stuff i guess

33. Most visited website: god uh...tumblr and twitter????

34. Hair colour: naturally a dark brown with some reddish in it. it’s currently died as close as possible to that

35. Long or short hair: medium?

36. Do you have a crush on someone: no currently i’m avoiding all romance like the fucking PLAGUE

37. What do you like about yourself: i’m pretty tenacious

38. Want any piercings: nah, i’m more the tattoo type

39. Blood type: ..............why

40. Nicknames: bird, birb, kbird, kbirb, broseidon

41. Relationship status: single

42. Sign: aries

43. Pronouns: they/them

44. Fave tv show: on air right now it’s b99 and the good place. in general, buffy and gilmore girls

45. Tattoos: i currently have 6 and i want sooooo many more

46. Right or left handed: left!!!!

47: Ever had surgery: tonsils and stomach yeah

48. Piercings: none

49. Sport: none currently but football (soccer) will always have my heart

50. Vacation: currently in arizona!! i’ve been all over though, i miss mexico a lot

51. Trainers: what does this....mean....like.....shoes???????

— More general

52. Eating: currently nothing?

53. Drinking: iced tea currently

54. I’m about to watch: LOVE, SIMON AGAIN BITCH!!!!!!!

55. Waiting for: life to feel right

56. Want: a nap, like always

57. Get married: okay your answer of “if i get past my commitment issues and find someone that loves me, sure” was fucking perfect

58. Career: teacher!

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Shorter or taller: taller

62. Older or younger: older

63. Nice arms or stomach: arms

64. Hookup or relationships: relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: nope

67. Drank hard liquor: hell yeah

68.Turned someone down: in high school yeah. and like once in college

69. Sex on first date: ........im an ace baby

70: Broken someone’s heart: supposedly

71. Had your heart broken: mhmmmm

72. Been arrested: nah, just brought home by cops

73. Cried when someone died: yeah, i cry at everything but especially death

74. Fallen for a friend: ..........only friends tbh

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: trying to? cullen says my heart’s vibranium

76. Miracles: some days i do

77. Love at first sight: probably not, i used to though

78. Santa Claus: not anymore

79. Angels: i’d like to

— Misc

80. Eye colour: brown!

81. Best friends name: i mean..... jenny, ellie, michelle, and cullen? plus like max and jor, of course

82. Favourite movie: i guess the princess bride is the Most Favorite of All

83. Favourite actor: my MAIN MAN, hugh jackman

84. Favourite cartoon: danny phantom right now

85. Favourite teacher’s name: in HS it was mrs haley and in college it was dr trainor....grad school so far it’s been jen lynady

final tag game: tagged by the cutest, @blurredmxnds

bold the statements that are true

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory (lmao about some things???)

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year (on and off)

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have at least 15 CDs (somewhere in my things)

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (i JUST ended my thing w this)

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone (just a toe)

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

I have made a new friend in the past year

#tag games #was uscjean #about the blogger

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junker-town · 6 years

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Meet Sam Bradfield from Purple Row

That 2007 Rocktober run pulled Sam into Rockies fandom for life.

We have dozens of women covering pro and college sports for our team brands here at SB Nation. Meet one of those talented writers, Sam Bradfield, who writes for our Rockies blog, Purple Row.

Why are you so passionate about baseball and the Rockies?

My grandfather was a HUGE baseball fan and took me to White Sox spring training when I was really little — even before I really remember! Whenever my grandparents would come to visit, my grandpa and I would play catch or tee ball in the backyard when it wasn’t too hot (we lived in Phoenix at that time). After he passed away, I lost a little bit of my interest, but my family still went to scattered games after we moved to Denver. When the Rockies went on their impossible Rocktober run in 2007, that really got me back into it.

I met some people in college who were really into baseball, but I started attending Arizona Fall League games when I moved to Phoenix full time a few years ago, and that’s when I became really passionate about the game again. It became a really great way for me to decompress, and I met a lot of really interesting people going to those games! Growing up in Colorado made me a Rockies fan, but living in Arizona has made it a bit more difficult to follow my team. Covering the Rockies for Purple Row gave me the perfect opportunity to really focus and follow them more closely even though I live 800 miles away.

What has been your favorite experience covering the Rockies for Purple Row?

I think my favorite experience has been spending time in the clubhouse with the Rockies PR staff, beat writers, and players. It’s been really cool to be able to meet a lot of the players I’ve watched over the years and I’ve started building relationships with some of them, as well as to getting to know the talented writers behind some of my favorite news.

Specifically, I enjoyed the interview process for my article about Rockies players who have some experience playing musical instruments. Over the course of about three or four games throughout the summer, I interviewed almost every player on the team about their experience. Even though many of them didn’t play, or at least not for very long, it gave me a chance to practice interviewing and just to talk to players about something unique other than baseball (which many of them appreciated). That was a really fun and rewarding process, and I certainly have learned a lot this season about what it takes to be a member of the media.

What are some of the unique challenges you’ve faced?

Some of the initial challenges that I faced were the fact that I go by Sam, so when I first started writing I had “Sam Bradfield” as my byline. People on the site thought I was a man and my friends were upset because they thought I was trying to pose as a man to gain respect or credibility, when honestly I was just using my nickname because I don’t like being called Samantha.

I think some other challenges I’ve faced have come from living in a different state, like many of the other Purple Row staff members. Luckily I live in a state with a division rival team and in one where the time difference isn’t egregious, if there is one at all, so I’m still able to keep up with the Rockies but I have to actively seek out news if I need it.

How did you start writing for Purple Row?

This is a funny story, actually. I was attending a Diamondbacks-Rockies game in Phoenix last September (2017) and met this couple who was visiting from Denver. We talked throughout the game and ended up friending each other on Facebook. The wife liked Purple Row on Facebook and some article that she had liked popped up on my page, so I decided to like the page as well. A few weeks later, our managing editor Eric posted a call for new writers and I applied and the rest is history!

What women in the industry do you look up to?

I really look up to Jody Jackson from Fox Sports Arizona and Jenny Cavnar from AT&T SportsNet. When I moved to Phoenix, I spent a lot of time watching Diamondbacks games because they’re the local team, and I always admired how Jody presented herself on TV. She was really the first woman I watched on TV regularly who really covered sports and I really enjoy watching her and listening to interviews she does on the local radio from time to time.

When I started watching Rockies games again on MLB.tv, I got to watch Jenny a lot more and I’ve met her a few times when I’ve been around the team. I really admire how she conducts herself, both on TV as well as around the clubhouse. She is incredibly professional but also really easy to talk to. She was really helpful during spring training when I was still getting my feet under me. Of course, watching her do play-by-play this season was really cool, too, since she was the first woman to do it since 1993 to do that, but I just really admire her as a person and for everything she does for this team Denver baseball community.

Both of these women do an incredible job at covering their teams, and I really look to them for how to carry myself as a professional baseball woman. I really look forward to working more with Jenny in the future, and maybe sometime I’ll be able to meet Jody as well.

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canaryatlaw · 7 years

Text

Ugh I'm really bad at going to bed when I want to lol. Today was pretty good. I dragged my ass out of bed at 8:30 and got ready to go to the beach. I don't really have a bathing suit (I have one but idk if it fits and I didn't bring it with me anyway) so I just wore a bra and underwear with a tank top and shorts and faked it because whatever. We left for the beach around 9 and made fairly good time, getting there around 9:50. Parking was already swamped, and we had to drive around for a few minutes but soon found a spot on the street and discovered that you can pay for the meter by phone if you don't have enough quarters (interesting). So from there we walked over to the public access point, not very far. We were right over by where we used to always stay when we would come down here to visit my cousins. Where they actually live is kind of out in the middle of nowhere, and the only thing nearby is a motel, and my parents don't really do motels if at all avoidable (spoiled rich people that they are) so we always opted for one of the touristy hotels on the beach, because hey, beach! I was just happy to be back at the ocean. I dutifully put sunscreen on, then laid back for a little while before deciding to go in the water. At first I was being hesitant and not wanting to go all the way in but then I saw the waves and thought about how some of my happiest memories from my childhood are at the beach jumping waves with my (other) cousin and my brother because nobody was making fun of me and I was simply accepted as part of the group, and I just said fuck it and ended up jumping through waves and dunking my head under for a good while with my cousin, and it was very much fun. I got to talk to my cousin a bit while we were out there about college and such and how to prepare and just practical advice and shit, so that was good. Eventually we went back, and I guess my mortal mistake was not reapplying sunscreen at this point, because I ended up with stupid ridiculous sunburn on my arms and legs and I'm very irritated about it. But anyway. We sat with my mom and aunts for a while, then the adults (or adult adults) went for a walk and I just sat with my cousin, and looked at the ocean and just ended up thinking. And I sat there and I thought about how much I missed the ocean, the real ocean, and how much I've enjoyed these days with my extended family, feeling that sense of love and community that seems so lacking in so many of my lonely days in Chicago. I thought about my grandparents and how I didn't get enough time with them, and how I never got to know my grandpa on my mom's side very well because he lived in Arizona and we only ever saw him for a few days a year. I thought about how my dad is already in his 70's, and while he's in good health he's still getting older and it's obviously going to still be a few years before I have any kids. I thought about how I want my kids to know their grandparents, to spend time with them while they can and build those relationships while they have the chance to, before they're taken from them too soon. I thought about how my cousins all lived in different states, and how I'd like my kids to be very close with their cousins, that they'd grow up alongside them, that my kids would know their uncles and aunt and feel so loved by all the family around them. And I just sat looking at the ocean and I decided I don't want to stay in Chicago after I finish law school. I don't really know where this decision came from. Sure, there's all the above, but up until now all of that was true and staying in Chi was still a rational decision to make. But now....I just don't want to anymore. Maybe it has to do with the job in New York City that I want so badly, that while I love the work I do now that is what I really want to do, what I want to do long term. How I'd be close enough to my family but not so close that I'd feel the need to get away that sent me packing in the first place. I need breathing room. I'm not moving back home. But I wouldn't be opposed to being closer, a lot closer than Chicago. I don't know if this job in NYC is what God does have in store for me, but I know I really want it. I guess we'll have to see what happens. I will really really miss my church in Chicago though. I love it there oh so much and I can only hope to find a community that resonates with my soul so much again in a new place. I love the people there and their beautiful hearts, and I will miss them dearly. But, anyways. We stayed at the beach until about 2 when we wanted to head back since we didn't want to spend the whole day there. We stopped at one of the little beach stores because my aunt (the one from Michigan) wanted to look at stuff. I wound up getting two pairs of shorts, like soffee style, because the shorts I was wearing yesterday were way too big for me as are the majority of my shorts now haha so I'll be needing to do something about that. I'm not really crazy about this aunt. She's technically my step-aunt I suppose, as she's not the mother of my cousins, though my uncle divorced her before I have any memories of them. I remember vaguely before they got married, and I remember it happening and gaining two new cousins (or step-cousins technically, but we've dropped that mostly). Growing up I thought I didn't like her because my cousins didn't like her and I liked them, but as I got older and those cousins haven't really been around, I've realized that she's really just a rude person and is always very demeaning towards younger people and it definitely just pissed me off as a kid (and sometimes still pisses me off). But anyway, not the point. We got back in the car and briefly stopped for coffee, then drove back to the house. I showered to get the sand off me and get the salt water out of my hair, then tried to aloe up the best I could. Everyone was kind of chilling at this point so I pulled out my laptop, only to find the mouse pad being erratic and not responding correctly, so I cursed and shut it off, hoping it being off for a few hours will fix the issue and it'll work for me to live tweet the Tonys tonight. Shortly after this we started playing badminton out front, and the neighbors came over, so I sat and talked with the mom for a bit. This is the mom of the girl I was talking to last night, and I very much enjoyed talking to her as well. We eventually moved to the back for some reason, then started playing bs, and today apparently was not my day for it because I didn't win either of our games lol. The second was interrupted by dinner, which we had steak for, then we finished and it was like 7:40 at this point so I checked my computer which was thankfully cooperating at this point and waited for the Tonys to start. I knew this year would be a bit odd because I admittedly have not been paying attention to the theatre season at all, and I've only seen one show that was barely nominated, so I wasn't really familiar with any of the front runners. I knew the concept of DEH and had seen Ben Platt perform on one of the tonight shows, but that was about it. I had mixed feelings overall about the night. Kevin Spacey was funny enough. I really enjoyed the Falsettos performance, so I'm very glad that was apparently recorded and I can see it in movie theatres since it closed way back in November (I don't know why, it looks hilarious). I wasn't impressed at all by hello dolly or Groundhog Day, I thought they were both very boring and I didn't quite know how they got nominated. War Paint I felt like should've been more impressive for the star power it had, but the music just wasn't very good. The DEH performance was of course great, it was a strong choice of course to pick a song that really only features your main actor and not an ensemble piece like most shows do, but Ben Platt did a fantastic job of carrying it and I was totally obsessed with the set design, holy crap it was awesome. I have tentative plans at least to see that show before the summer is over, assuming we can get tickets. I was sad Anastasia didn't win for featured actress or costumes, I can't speak for the costumes for other shows but Anastasia's were BEAUTIFUL, some of the best I've ever seen, and undoubtedly deserved a Tony for it. And Mary Beth Peil was did an amazing job in her role and I wish she got recognized for it. It also pissed me off it didn't get nominated for best musical when fucking Groundhog Day did which looked fucking terrible???? Like why??? Why is that a thing and why did it get nominated for best musical???? I have so many frustrations. Ugh. And Christy Altomare belonged in the leading actress race and Ramin Karimloo belonged in the featured actor race, but I digress. Great Comet had a fun performance, I enjoyed their costumes as well (mostly how it went from 1800s to punk rock in about two seconds) although I'm still not entirely sure what the show is actually about, or how it was conceived (something about war and peace)??? I liked what they did with having the playwrights talk about their plays, it was super effective in getting invested in them and better than how they used to do it. I also appreciated how they introduced them with the writers name first for the revivals. DEH winning of course surprised nobody, though it'll probably make ticket prices go up (sigh, as if they weren't high enough already). But yeah, it was decent, a good watch at least. And that pretty much summed up my night, just followed by an inability to get off my phone, though my phone has picked up the annoying habit of dying on me when the battery isn't dead but won't turn back on unless plugged in??? Ugh, not happy about it, but have a Genius Bar appointment for it Tuesday. Flying home tomorrow, but more on that then. Sleep for now. Goodnight peeps. Stay lovely.

#daily journal #June 2017

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