#which is pretty generous on its own
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agravaine is just as charitable as “good” knights except he isn’t courteous like gawain so nobody notices. vulgate readers, you know.
#that time he was called into battle by his lady who was going to be married against her will#& he dad was so grateful he gave his daughter & agravaine a whole house to live in with baby mordred#or that time agravaine was out looking for lancelot#which is pretty generous on its own#but then he encountered some people terrorized by druas the cruel#so of course he beheaded him & brought it back to those people#agravaine is the sort where no good deed goes unpunished tho#so he’s sustained disabling injuries & been jailed for long periods of time & has a bad rep#bc he isn’t very nice#yet his lady is extremely devoted to him & literally helps him walk when he struggles#she is committed to him as a person even when he is bedridden & unable to perform knightly feats anymore#makes me insane
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i feel like people are sleeping on the occam's razor situation of how buckwild it is to outright accuse a guy of being a clone of your friend even if you DO have a lot of circumstantial evidence. there's other options is what im saying. they could just be like. a guy. that's a sensible deduction. you should explore that deduction. ignore my shirt that reads I <3 RED HERRINGS.
i still think odile has the correct theory on lock but she's smart enough to know it needs like... a real smoking gun to be able to bring it up without sounding insane.
anyway. (mirabelle voice) i know its rude to speculate but has anyone else noticed the grieving? they seem to be grieving. does anyone have any thoughts on the grieving? i have some thoughts on the grieving.
#[isabeau voice] am i insane or does sometimes loop talk like they might have killed their whole family. is that just me? just checking.#nille design highly inspired by @kiwibrain's since its the one that imprinted in my mind. liberties taken since i didnt look @ reference#anyway i have a lot more thoughts on this? i guess ill hide them in the tags...? scroll down i suppose.#isat#in stars and time#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 6 spoilers#isat loop#isat siffrin#isat bonnie#isat nille#isat fanart#in stars and time fanart#doodlebyte#----------------------------------------------------------------------#anyway the extra thoughts. are literally just my general thoughts on postcanon. (and thus are the context for all of my postcanon doodles!)#which is i think nille joins the party before loop reappears for a start (either from a period of nonexistence or just wandering around)#and that like. i think the party should be able to integrate loop as a completely new person. because they are! the secrecy isn't great but#They and Siffrin shuffle into different ecological niches in the party (eg. i think sif is more squeamish after it all but loop isnt)#and while it's not *exactly* what Loop wanted they get that beggars can't be choosers. and its pretty good#(i am glossing over how i think loop's reappearence drags both them and siffrin into a massive behavioural backslide and is likely a bit#distressing to watch go down. cycle of argument -> lovebombing -> normalcy -> repeat. etc etc. but since they are no longer literally#stewing in the worst pressure cooker of all time they do resolve it via productive conversation on their own time. its fine)#the party well-meaningly tries to deduce things from loop's vagueries and are able to pin down the DEAD FAMILY vibe pretty quickly.#but eventually the question of their prior identity falls by the wayside because well! they're just their friend loop! (also change belief)#as for how The Truth Come Out... this is what i mean by The Isabeau Torment Nexus(tm). which is that i think... isiloop should almost occur#BEFORE isabeau knows who loop is. he's just genuinely charmed by them eventually and tries to close the open end of the polycule#which FREAKS LOOP THE FUCK OUT because thats just too genuinely sick and wrong. and obviously w emotions high its not a great confrontation#ANYWAY told u i had more thoughts. if i were normal itd be a text post but.
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to preface this post i am anti-advertising i think we should explode the entire industry but it's sooo funny when you people make posts like "and they don't even work!!" like. sorry to be the bearer of bad news but yes they do. that's why we have to put up with so many despite everyone hating them and thinking its annoying. because they actually work really well and make a shit load of money
#it actually would be way better if they didnt work and made no money bc businesses would abandon them#this isnt like stocks where everythings abstract and is essentially gambling (i dont understand stocks)#like ppl in the ad industry create things. that make a tangible and quantifiable impact on the business#which is then used in further ad planning. it is NOT all smoke and mirrors#like its fake in that the industry is not providing a necessary service the way like. grocery stores are#but its not the level of fake where everything is abstract like theres deliverables#moreover there is an extensive body of academic work specifically on how to make ads more effective#ALSO i think some of u views ads like. as if they have a win condition. which is you buy product#but in current advertising this is pretty rare and comparatively ineffective#which is why you see MANY ads which dont seem to be selling anything in particular. or which have nothing all to do with the product#the 'win' condition for THAT kind of ad is something more like 'viewers remember our name'#like. ex i would say ads for temu have not been effective on me bc i havent bought anything from them#but temu probably thinks they were SUPER effective on me because i talked abt them like 5 different times at work#and i do in fact know exactly what the company does and what they sell#and they were able to capitalize on the reputations of existing companies (wish shein etc) to build their own brand#good idea generator
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the implications of all of kalaya's descendants looking like suvi is fascinating to me
#like the obvious thing is they all look like Eursulon's glamour#but the implication at the end of the children's adventure was that Eursulon chose a glamour that looks like suvi#and if his relatives look the same that clearly isn't the case#so I see two options:#1. Eursulon's glamour looking like the girl he would end up considering a sister is a coincidence (which is kinda beautiful in its own way)#2. suvi is a pretty far removed descendant of kalaya's maybe with the mentioned ex husband??)#like some branch of the family stayed in Umora and over the generations the spirit qualities disappeared but the resemblance stayed#worlds beyond number#the wizard the witch and the wild one#Eursulon#suvirin kedberiket
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Anyway, if you aren’t Black don’t use any variation of woke. I don’t care what conservatives are calling fuckers/using as the new sjw/political correctness/what have you.
If you know what fuckers mean use what they mean, and if you don’t why are you copying what people are saying?
Woke ain’t for you. If the discussion isn’t about Black people being aware of and/or educating other Black people about racism/antiblackness/structural inequality/all the other bullshit then it doesn’t need to be used in the discussion.
#nix meows#aave#woke#aave misuse#apparently that one post i made where i directly mentioned how i don't wanna see boogleech no more showed up in his tags#which is generally how tumblr's search function works; if a word in there it shows up#anyway i do wish a motherfucker would learn to take a hint that i do not wish to continue a conversation#cause all i'm getting is excuses about how he's just paraphrasing so its fine#that other people don't have an issue and not 'to shoot the messenger#my wigga i was forced to see the word 'wokeist' (yall know i can't spell) on a post from someone i know is white#who's posts show up everyfucking where in the corner of tumblr i generally operate in#why would i give a damn what the rest of the post was about when a wigga shouldn't be using words like that period#aint no fucking changing my mind#ya ruined my night and i don't wanna see ya#i aint ask nobody to block you or some shit like that#i personally don't wanna get microaggressed on my own damn dash cause my white mutuals (who mean well but dont all ways catch shit)#decided to reblog it untagged#like yeah its pretty easy to drop a bitch i only occasionally interacted with over the course of a few years over#it just on the innitial 'it's not an issue' dismissal#told me everything i needed to know#bogleech#may as well actually tag them cause I've been feeling a lot less charitible given how they handled shit and kept trying to shut me up#plus they're a vote blue no matter who fucker like genocide joe is harm reduction
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isn't it wild how you can play through an entire indie game in a single day and be left with a deeper, more profound experience, story, moral or question all wrapped in a more unique and impactful art style than many triple a games nowadays. for like 8 bucks.
#indie games i love you forever#this isn't about anything in particular but#i think about gris every time the conversation centers big expensive time consuming games#i think this year was pretty solid tho! apart from stinkers like diablo 4 or starfield. but maybe the industry isn't lost#looking at bg3 or alan wake 2 getting a lot of recognition. both are still somewhat underdogs compared to the standard#but they're nominated for goty! and bg3 will probably take it. meanwhile the two opposites faded into the sidelines instantly#i need to play viewfinder cocoon and hi fi rush too (which is nominated for goty as well iirc you love to see it)#but i just love that indie approach and comparably still smaller studios are getting out there#and the indie category itself is holding its own between these and the big studio snoozefests and nintendo's circlejerk#there's still a lot to improve about game awards - a horror game category would be neat for example and generally more diversity in titles#what is forspoken why isn't anyone talking about it apart from like 5 tumblr users. also pentiment where???#but idk. maybe it's just this one year but it looks hopeful for the future. who knows#shut up elis#the game awards 2023#(i guess)
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I know nothing about minecraft youtube but your prison arc posting has me intrigued. Where can one go to watch it?
ooooohkay this is a big one
first off, the prison arc had a lot happen behind the scenes. we got mentions from other characters about the conditions, especially from the Warden when talking to others about it. also, since the man locked up in said prison didn't stream on the server, we only get snippets from the few visits he was granted, or the Warden's POV when he was uhhhh taking care of him so to speak. either way, you will have to look closely, unless some kind soul replies with a full playlist of Just Prison Clips(tm)
it also depends on what you were intrigued by in particular. there is a full playlist here which I genuinely hope is complete. the clips that include the Warden talking about the prison aren't there, from my brief overview of the videos.
if you're interested in the whole thing, watch all. if you are interested in the part where it gets, well, interesting, with the torture and all that good stuff, I'd skip to Quackity's VOD. (here are his VODs only)
the downside to watching only the torture is missing out on Techno's arrival and The Prison Podcast. here are Techno's VODs, with the prison lore being in the VODs Visiting Dream up to JAILBREAK. would recommend watching the AVENGING RANBOO one as well to get the full picture for the last arc of the prison-related stuff, aka Daedalus Arc. here's a playlist.
there's more, like the Warden's POV after Techno broke out of prison and of course the legendary MCC Prison Roleplay which had dreblr going feral
I 100% forgot about something, but this is all that came to my mind, feel free to ask more questions or provide more links to VODs and playlists. I hope you enjoy, it's a good couple hours of fun.
#asks#dsmp#prison arc#for archival purposes lol#but yeah Id say watch the Quackity VODs if you like the first one since the lore is pretty good it was a fun series and the story wraps up#pretty nicely given the circumstances. you wont get everything but its a complete story on its own for the most part#you also get dream whimpering as hes tortured and calling his abusers 'sir' which is way too hot for some reason#and Daedalus Arc is just a good time in general because Sam Is Pathetic#call me basic but if there is an aspect that you can skip its all the visits#theyre interesting because of the character dynamics and the contrast to the previous arc of s2 but if you know nothing about dsmp?#just skip it
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and btw im in my hater arc rn. as time goes on the more i find a lot of 'fandom' stuff insufferable (i like art n stuff. just the way that fandom refits every media to fit a single mold and set of boring archetypes is exhausting.)
i just get really easily annoyed lately. and have been unfollowing people on a whim a lot. its not personal i promise
#fandom culture has made me actively dislike shit i was fixated on a year ago. looking at your ninja turtles#its not even like what they were doing were particularly offensive it was just exhaustingly boring#im sorry i just really dont care about ur 2 million fics about leo being a sadboy. or one million seperated aus.#theres definetly a part of the whole situation in general which has been me coming to terms with my own internalized misogny#actively re-examining my tendencys to gravity towards male characters#idk maybe its making me dislike art more. but idk. ive always analyzed why i react certain ways to certain things. this isnt new for me#anywaays. i had been following a bunch of ninja turtle blogs and they sorta kept messing around with shows like ninjago too#and at some point i was just like. i dont know if these shows are actually that good guys. i think youjust like shows for little boys#and fandoms tend to shaft female chars so it sure helps that their casts are 98% male .#maybe theyre not your blorbo maybe theyre just Guy McAverageMan. thats not inherently bad but you have to consider it.#guys rottmnt is isnt even that good . its not that good ok. its alright/pretty good. and the movie does a few neat things#i feel like ive become one of those people that turn 18 and then immediately go 'minors dni'. im not there yet but i just.#we're watching kids shows. its ok . you can say it.#you may have noticed ive been reblogging a lot of dungeon meshi stuff. i read it all over the past week.#but here's the thing. i thought it was mid/good for like 70% of it.#i think its got some really really cool worldbuilding ideas and stuff#but i think a lot of the writing was sorta. uninteresting to me.#my discord friends have been raving over izutsumi for months.#but i found her presence in the story to be weird and underdeveloped. she felt out of place and her introduction felt clumsy#i felt when the story was ramping up the manga got a lot better. because again theres some rlly cool ideas at play#all the shit with the lion? incredible. the way all the infighting led to more problems bc the elves refuse to explain anything? rlly good.#marcille landing in power? reallly good shit. (i still thought it was a lil undercooked still tho)#i cant stop thinking about laios in that climax scene. i think he shouldve been feral a lot more often#uhh. i got distracted. fandom bad and annoying.#saw a post talking about marcille realizing izutsumi is only 17 and then describing how 'omg shes a mom now' and i wanted to throw up#im done. i swear. im done talking for real. aagh#text
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super obsessed with your art, seb looks soooooooooooo stunning!!! I am now very curious however, only if you feel like going into it, as to which other historical figures you align with which drivers?👀👀
AAAAAA tysm Grace!!!! Though I am so so so sorry for how rambly and long this post is gonna be, but you just asked me abt one of my brainrots!! I will answer your question but also talk about my history alignments and AUs in general LOL
But if I'm making comparisons of F1 drivers and historical figures, my brain kinda forces me to make it an AU because I'm like "this needs to make absolute sense historically and contextually.)
So, tbh of the four historical AUs that float around my brain, only two of them are really specifically about certain historical figures. The four are: Nandopoleon(About how Fernando reminds me of Napoleon), War of Spanish Succession(mostly about that era, but Seb and Nando are supposed to be paralleling Charles VI and Philip V), Napoleonic Hussars(which is about how , in general, Hussars = F1 drivers), and Rennaissance Muse(this just happens to take place in a different era.)
Explaining my AUs and the historical contexts(proceed with caution, its a lot)
Nandopoleon:
Okay so I'm really really am so deranged about Napoleon = Fernando, but I’ve not posted about it too much because I wanna make a well thought out post about it. But basically I think they’re similar people with similar characteristics and motivations. There was this period of time over the summer where I was only brain rotting about how well any of Napoleon’s quotes fit Fernando(with my fellow nandopoleon confidant @/sweatyflytrap haha.) Here’s some quotes as example:
“Victory belongs to the most persevering.”
“It is not necessary to bury the truth. It is sufficient merely to delay it until no one cares.”(Piasco era lol)
“Victory is not always winning the battle…but rising every time you fall.”
“From triumph to failure is only one step.”
"A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon."(trophies y'know)
"Always carry champagne! In victory you deserve it, and in defeat you need it!"
Tell me Fernando wouldn't use these as instagram captions! TELL ME!!! But the other thing that was driving me crazy is how well excerpts from the personality/image section of Napoleone's wiki line up with testimonials from Fernando's doc. Examples:
"He cheated at cards, but repaid the losses; he had to win at everything he attempted."(Napoleon)
"Whatever activity I take part in, I have this compulsion to find the compeititon in it."(Fernando)
"He could rapidly dictate a series of complex commands to his subordinates, keeping in mind where major units were expected to be at each future point, and like a chess master, 'seeing' the best plays moves ahead"(Napoleon)
"When you talk to him, his mental capacity is so strong. He's talking to you, but his brain is thinking ahead"(Fernando)
Like c'mon tell me they aren't at least a bit similar??? There's a lot else I find similar about them but I cannot list my whole manifesto here skdjlsd
Anyways this AU would be Fernando as Napoleon and would be Webbonso -> Strollonso. Basically, Napoleon had two wives: his first wife, who was older than him and who he was super in love with, but had to divorce because they couldn't have kids, but he still loved her deeply. And then his second wife , who was much younger thanhim and from the Austrian royal family, and this was a politically motivated marriage but they still got on pretty well!!(also it's funny, before she married him she didn't want to be with him because the public perception of him made him out to be not the best guy, but then she wrote to her father about how loving and kind he was. very Strollonso, no?)
War of Spanish Succession:
Mostly explained it here and here. I'm not too interested in either Philip V nor Charles VI themselevs as individuals, but rather the roles they fufill in the "story." Though I will say, I got hit with a brick while reading Charles VI's wiki when finding out that he apparently had several male lovers! So I guess my AU having an arranged m/m marriage isn't even that far off the mark hahaha. Why did they have a 13 year war, they should have just arranged a marriage between the two canidates sigh sigh. But yeah, mostly Austria vs. Spain, I think it fits well with the Vettonso rivalry!! They would end up being: Fernando I King of Spain and Sebastian I Holy Roman Emperor hehe. Also I sketched some more:
Napoleonic Hussars:
Explained here as well as with art, and more art here. I'm really still proud of the points I made, I just feel very ardently about it!!! Not about any specific figure, but rather a historical group that I think lines up extremely well with F1 drivers. But this one is fun cause I can kinda insert any driver into it and they'll work pretty well. It's fun to figure out what kingdom what driver would be, either based off their nationality or the nationality of their team. I remember vividly staring at a map from this era trying to figure out where Maranello would be....But like Renault = Kingdom of France and RBR = Kingdom of Austria, and stuff like that
Rennaisance Muse:
Mostly just this post, I've not thought about this one incredibly deeply. Mostly just brainrot about how I think Seb looks like The David with his curly hair
#catie answer an ask without making it a soliloquy challenge: failed#hope this is at least sort of interesting to people other than me!#basically: I like reading about F1. I like reading about history. why not mix them :DDD#also sorry Grace that this ended up being more about my AUs rather than which historical figures align with who#if im gonna compare a driver to a figure then my brain is like 'this needs to make absolute sense historically' so it becomes its own AU#though i think fernando is a much easier driver than any others to make historical comparisons about#and thats really only bcs hes very specific with how he portrays himself and how the public eye is supposed to view him#hes much more of a 'character' and is easier to compare bcs historical figures also end up becoming chararictured bcs of the passage of tim#having a lot of fun with this most recent one!!! the idea of arranged marriage vettonso(with boy king seb) is brainrotting me#all of these have ships as well that theyre kinda focused around#hussars is the most general but Ive already drawn martian for it sooooo#and the rennaisance is also martian#nandopoleon I already said what it would be(god the irl age gaps align so well to each other)#and then obv spanish succession is vettonso arranged marriage#anyways aaaahhhhh fun side projects which I like to research and draw!!!#and ik ive said it a lot but thank you guys for showing interest!! its pretty niche i think....#catie.asks.#catie.rambling.txt#boy king au#hussar au#nandopoleon alonsoparte
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I'm not an Angel hater by any means however I do think Spike should get to be as big of a dick to him as he wants to be and people shouldn't get to say shit about it.
#dylan says things#btvs#this is maybe entirely a me thing but often when im reading fanfic it acts like spike and angel fighting (specifically about buffy)#is equally shitty from both of them#but like tbh spike has way more reason to hate angel than angel has to hate spike#and it's always framed as just a 'spike shouldnt get jealous' thing which is generally fair#but also Spike spent 100 years loving a woman who loved angel more than she loved him#and then SO much of his relationship with buffy is tangled up with how she feels about Angel#Spike is CONSTANTLY being compared to Angel and he pretty much always gets the short end of that stick#like shit man I would also be really insecure about that#and i wouldnt have a problem when fics call him on being jealous over buffy and angel#but they never seem to actually address the baggage that is making him act that way#and even in fics where it's like 'they're so good at communication now' they never have spike express that there may actually be#some shit between him and angel that is valid for him to feel#not even getting into spikes relationship to angel outside of Buffy which is its own can of worms#anyways. this is just a wildly specific pet peeve of mine#it's 4am and i was reading a fanfic and for some reason this pissed me off more than usual
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For any of my mutuals/followers who like Sleep Token are there any particular songs that when I find clips of I should @ you for? I post a lot in general and I just realized that the clips I find might get lost in all that
#also idk how many of you listen to them at this point. i've introduced a couple?#also sometimes the fanart gets reblogged but idk how much of that is like. fans. or just people who think the art is cool#which is valid a lot of the fanart doubles as Pretty Cool Art on its own#if anyone wants general @'s whenever i post clips that works too? just let me know?#or if you want like. a general clarity or something specific you want to see clips of?#either in what i reblog or find
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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I played Season over the weekend, which if I had to condense "thematic meandering" into a videogame is probably what I would most closely end up with; but it was still a cozy chill time that targeted my very specific niche of robust cow petting mechanics. Followed by journaling the heck out of them.
I do think cute indies living and dying by their sincere desire to paint the human condition should never ever ever fall into the temptation of obtuse and nebulous worldbuilding that desperately needs to explain itself so it can function as an aesthetic blanket for their vignettes. Just keep it loose and metaphor-heavy, fellas.
Cause if you're not extremely, painfully specific about your intention with a story that centers ignorant tourism and historic preservation, you're gonna beef it, bud
#season a letter to the future#I have so many nitpicks but it feels mean lmao. in a very subjective sense I had a good time with it. I am a boring playstyle guy#scrapbooking and cycling in a pretty world is right up my alley. wish it wasn't so#man idk if I can call it what I want to call it cause it's so unclear of its own optics. the intention feels pure#for whatever good that can do in a context this god damn loaded :D but at least I recorded the froggies on my tapes#(a game like this does not need elaborate lore that it then fails to adequately explain anyway. that is a barrier to many of season's#emotional high points. shit just lacks clarity of purpose and happens as a given and banks on its aesthetic and melancholic context to#provide the necessary backbone for that punch. but then you end up revealing your hand and general flippant disposition towards this#nebulously coded cultural backdrop that you've constructed for ultimately shallow purposes. especially irt to the core ethos#like the game ultimately asks us if dispassionate preservation of a dying culture is more valuable than the vicarious experience of it but#then that binary is never meaningfully weighted since the protagonist survives and succeeds in either option BECAUSE of the journal and?#it all fizzles out in thematic incongruity. maybe it's my own hangups with glorification of legacy to such a manic degree#or maybe it's really just meant to be sort-of aimless and 'human' in that way. which again negates the need for this lore-brain barrier#just keep it simple without the oddly pedestrian mechanics of the literal apocalypse and the mass amnesia prayers and tell#the exact same story. with a tighter grip on the context of who the protagonist is in this land. there's your game)#text
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"idk why i hate neige so much" probably because he is an antagonist! hope this helps
#txt#like. the premise of twst is that the villains are the protagonists#& while as major characters the main students get plenty of development to break apart the hero/villain dichotomy#the premise of the game does in fact suggest that characters who are by pretty much all definitions Good Guys are going to work against you#ive talked about this before but while i myself absolutely adore neige i dont claim that hes meant to be a sympathetic character#the masquerade event is the first time we see him being really noble; book 6 revealing that he actually is a v good person is written as a#bittersweet moment (the characters are contemplating who 'deserved' to win the vdc & are implied to be a lil uncomfortable w their grudge#against neige) whereas in book 5 the main two facets we see of him are 1. people like him 2. he's very professional#neither of which are traits that are necessarily endearing (which since imo the writers are skilled in general. they are aware of)#why i like neige is a whole different & much sappier story lololololol#anyway maybe i'll rewrite this into a post of its own sometime lol if so im sorry in advance for the repetition#anyanyway. now im thinking abt neiges character development🥰
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Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!
#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting!#and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective#bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers#so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting !#but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me'#and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT#like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what#like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything#and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up#i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis#so maybe its just not worth it ?#bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means#what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is#i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me#and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory#but idk if i can trust anyone else either#i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe#what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me#which i dint love tbh#personal
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every once in awhile i have a flashback so bad it triggers a seizure & nobody really knows why
#i am so fucking tired#and so fucking done#i would rather die than go in tomorrow but that's not an option anymore so fuck#the flashbacks have been constant for as long as i can remember but it's been awhile since they've been at this intensity for this long#i used to think i didn't have ptsd because i didn't have flashbacks until i learned that always feeling like it's happening again is indeed#a flashback#it's just not so isolated for me#so i'm like??? i should be able to deal with this. i'm used to it. pretty much every second of every day my body feels like i'm being#raped and tortured and beat and literally getting drilled in the bone i should be used to this#but it's so much it's so heavy there's no way out i cant do it#but i have to there's no other option except not get surgery which is not really an option :/#cause the pain from the bone is right where their cocks were 🙃 so that's been it's own special form of hell#and now i have to let someone cut me open there 🙃 and i cant be under general anesthesia 🙃#oh yeah and ITS EXAFTLY FUCKING LIKE THAT DOCTOR THAT ASSAULTED ME WHEN I WAS A FUCKING TODDLER COMING OUT OF SURGERY#fuck dude#sometimes i think maybe if it only happened once i'd be okay#ive lost track but i think we're up in triple digits at this point :/#not including the constant stuff in childhood#fuck no wonder i kept trying to kill myself jesus fucking christ#i'm so fucking scared#i'm so ready for all this to be over#it's been years of pain and this whole last month where it's become much more acute and all this visits and i cant take any more#we are at Capacity#we're splitting like hell already#fucking entire new subsystems fuck#fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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