#which is kind of an exaggeration
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Let's Talk About How Book 3 Ruined Aang
If you've seen any of my prior ATLA posts, you know that I don't hate Aang. In fact, I quite liked him in Books 1 and 2. He was flawed, as all characters should be, but the show didn't shy away from those flaws or justify them. He was called out for burning Katara and rushing his firebending, Sokka and Katara were rightfully upset when he hid Hakoda's letter, he willingly owns up to the fact that his actions helped drive Toph away, and his entire arc after losing Appa and finding hope again in The Serpent's Path was beautifully done.
(Hell, even in The Great Divide Katara says what Aang did was wrong and he agrees. It's played for comedy, but the show still makes the effort to point out that what he did wasn't the right thing to do. You're just meant to understand that he was fed up and acted off of that)
Those flaws and mistakes were addressed and improved upon and helped Aang to grow as a character.
But for some reason, that aspect of Aang's character was completely flipped in Book 3.
The best examples of this are in both TDBS and EIP. Both the show and the fandom are too quick to brush off that Aang kissed Katara twice without her consent, one of which after she explicitly said she was confused about her feelings.
(And yes, she is angry in response and Aang calls himself an idiot. But after this, it isn't really addressed. They go on like nothing happened for the rest of the episode. Aang's lamentation comes from screwing things up with her romantically, not that he violated boundaries)
The show never really addressed why what he did was wrong. Not only because he wasn't given consent, but also because both times he isn't thinking about what Katara wants. In both instances, Aang is only thinking about himself and his feelings. This is something that persists through a lot of the third book. And by Sozin's Comet it ultimately ruins any character development he had built up in the second book.
One thing I feel was completely disregarded was the concept of having to let go of Katara in order to master the Avatar State.
For me, the implication wasn't that he had to give up love or happiness necessarily. He was emotionally attached to and reliant on Katara, to the point where she was needed to stop him from hurting everyone around him and himself. This is obviously detrimental to his functionality as the Avatar. And the point of him "letting her go" wasn't that he had to stop caring about her, it was that his emotional dependency on her was stopping him from being the Avatar he needed to be and that was what needed to be fixed. I don't even think it's about the Avatar State itself, it's about being able to keep your emotions and duty as the Avatar separate.
(If you look at Roku, he loved and had a wife. It wasn't his love for her that messed everything up, it was his attachment to Sozin. He wasn't able to let Sozin go and not only did he lose his life for it, the world suffered for it. It's the unhealthy attachments that seem to be detrimental, not love itself)
And Aang realizes that in the catacombs, which is how he's able to easily enter the Avatar State and seemingly control it. He let Katara go.
So then why does it seem like his attachment to Katara is not only stronger, but worse in mannerism? He liked Katara in Books 1 and 2- obviously- but he was never overly jealous of Jet or Haru. He only makes one harmless comment in Book 2 when Sokka suggests Katara kiss Jet.
But suddenly he's insanely jealous of Zuko (to the point of getting frustrated with Katara over it), off the basis of the actions of actors in a clearly misrepresentative play. Katara showed a lot more interest in Jet and Aang was completely fine with it.
(Speaking of EIP, Aang's reaction to being played by a woman was interesting. He wore a flower crown in The Cave of Two Lovers. He wove Katara a flower necklace. He wore Kyoshi's clothes and makeup and made a funny girl voice. He willingly responded to Twinkle Toes and had no issue being called that. And for some reason he's genuinely upset about being played by a woman? Aang in Books 1 and 2 would have laughed and enjoyed the show like Toph did. His aversion to feminity felt vastly out of character)
I guess my point is, why did that change? Why was Aang letting go of Katara suddenly irrelevant to the Avatar State? It felt like him letting go was supposed to be a major part of his development. Why did that stop?
Myself and many others have talked about The Southern Raiders. The jist of my thought process about it is his assumption that he knew what was best for Katara. And the episode doesn't really call out why he was wrong. Maybe sparing Yon Rha was better for Katara, maybe it wasn't (the only one who's allowed to make that choice is her). Pushing forgiveness? That was wrong. But the episode has Zuko say that Aang was right when the course of action Katara took wasn't what Aang suggested.
Katara's lesson here was that killing him wouldn't bring back her mother or mend the pain she was going through and that Yon Rha wasn't worth the effort. That's what she realizes. Not that she needed to embrace forgiveness. How could she ever forgive that? The episode saying Aang was right wasn't true. Yes she forgives Zuko, but that wasn't what Aang was talking about. He was specifically talking about Yon Rha.
And that was wrong. Aang can choose the path of forgiveness, that's fine. That's his choice. But dismissing Katara's trauma in favor of his morals and upbringing wasn't okay.
I know it sounds like this is just bashing Kataang. But it's not simply because I don't like Kataang, in my opinion it brings down Aang's character too, not just Katara's. But let's steer away from Kataang and Katara for a minute.
The one thing that solidifies Aang's character being ruined in Book 3 for me is the fact that he- at the end of the story- does the same thing he did in the beginning.
He runs away when things get hard.
Aang couldn't make the choice between his duty and his morals. So he ran. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but subconsciously he wanted an out. And this is really disappointing when one of the things he was firm about in Book 2 was not running anymore. His character went backwards here and that's not even getting into the real issue in Sozin's Comet.
There's been contention about the Lion Turtle intervention. For many- including myself- it's very deus ex machina to save Aang from having to make a hard decision. And that in turn doesn't reflect kindly on his character.
Everyone- Sokka, Zuko, Roku, Kyoshi, Kuruk, and Yangchen (who was another Airbender and was raised with the same beliefs he was and would understand which was the whole point of him talking to her)- told him he had to kill Ozai. They all told him it was the only way. And he refused to listen to any of them, rotating through his past lives until he was given the answer he wanted.
And before anyone says that I'm bashing Aang for following his culture, I'm not. Ending the war peacefully, in my opinion, wasn't the problem. In a way, I think it allowed the world to heal properly. However, that doesn't make up for the fact that Aang refused to make a choice and face the consequences of that choice. Instead, he's given an out at the very last second.
Even if he couldn't kill Ozai and someone else had to deliver the final blow, that would have been better than the Lion Turtle showing up and giving him a power no one's ever had before. It would have been a good compromise, he doesn't have to have blood directly on his hands but what needs to be done needs to still get done. It would also show that being the Avatar isn't a burden he has to bear alone. That when things get hard, he can't run away but he can rely on the people closest to him to help him through hard decisions.
All these issues aren't necessarily a problem with Aang. Aang prior to Book 3 didn't have most of these problems. This is a problem with the way he was handled
#aang critical#anti aang#tagging just in case#i don't want aang stans accusing me of cross tagging#it's really not anti aang tho#long post#anti bryke#this is their fault#look how they massacred my boy#anti kataang#katara deserved better#she's not the focus here#but i thought I'd add that there#character analysis#atla critical#anti book 3#which is kind of an exaggeration#because a lot of book 3 is great#it's just most of the latter half
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Me: "Can I please use all this energy to draw on an actual project"
My brain: "You will draw the same character over and over and you will like it."
Me: "Okay."
#rayman#artists on tumblr#these were made over the course of like two months or so#you can see that i was messing with his design a bit#kind of adjusting the way i drew him as i went along#uhhh anyways yeah i just think he's neat#he's fun to draw#its because he doesn't have limbs#drawing limbs is my least favorite part of drawing any humanoid character#so him not having any takes away a lot of the frustration i often have in drawing certain dynamic poses#he's also very cartoony which is up my alley. very expressive and fun#he has helped me push drawing exaggerated expressions more#he has good shapes!! its good character design!!!#and drawing him is comforting#i'll draw something else eventually but for now i'm just having fun#i have no idea how i'm going to format this post on twitter without it getting cropped to hell#i will worry about that later
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i understand what people are saying when they talk about fandom overstating the importance of farcille to the dunmeshi narrative and that their frustrations are related to a larger frustration with fandom in general prioritising shipping over other relationships/narrative themes. HOWEVER i do find it a little suspect and annoying that the one time the Big Tumblr Thing Of The Month has a popular f/f ship that the fandom is over-extrapolating from in the same way that fandom usually over-extrapolates m/m relationships i'm suddenly seeing all these posts complaining about it
#blahs#dungeon meshi#like i get it i too wish people didn't laser focus on ships so much and i have complained about this very thing a lot before#but to a certain extent it's a losing battle to complain about shipping on the shipping website#fandom is as fandom does! and fandom usually does not do this for f/f unless it's a specifically sapphic fandom#i can't even get the hotd fandom to rally around rhaenicent which actually IS the whole point of that story lmao#so idk seeing a more general audience fandom like dunmeshi rally around f/f for once is kind of novel and fun to me#and it's not like people are wholesale making up that farcille is important. it IS central to the themes of the story#they're just exaggerating a little. as a treat. i still see a gazillion posts about the boys i think people are interpreting the story fine
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pretty expressive huh
#i absolutely love drawing these idiots with exaggerated expressions its so fun#just drawing expressions in general is awesome#these bozos are everything to me i cannot stop doodling them#sigh. when the family is found and stupid#combined 1/2 of a braincell#kind of inspired by the porori hen op a bit#which i ADORE#it’s such a good song#anyhoo im rambling ENJOY#sakata gintoki#kagura#kagura gintama#shimura shinpachi#yorozuya#yorozuya gin chan#gintama#ok bye
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the more I read about contemporary homophobic laws globally the more it becomes apparent that there is basically a 1:1 direct relationship between whether a country was under historic British rule and how many anti-sodomy laws they currently have on the books. like I knew this in a general sense but not the staggering degree to which this was the case. and I know this probably isn’t really shocking especially given how insanely anti-trans the UK is right now but it’s kind of insane to see just how much homophobia is a comprehensively global export of the British
#also not suggesting that it’s a colonial INVENTION like it’s not that the world was a pro-gay utopia pre-European colonisation#but reading a lot of post-colonial scholarship it’s kind of mind-boggling#also a deeply privileged thing to admit I know. my surprise is mostly the degree to which ‘global homophobia is a colonial artefact’#is like not an exaggerated claim at all basically#One thing that’s frustrating is that a lot of the scholarship I’ve read so far focuses on heterosexuality as the root cause#& not gender. like truly I do not think homophobia as colonial policy makes any sense without gender as the primary distribution mechanism#but anyway. much more reading to do !
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I’m sorry I genuinely cannotttttt understand how some ppl bash joe even in a joking manner. Like the poor guy did nothing wrong (that we know of) but so many ppl are making such snide remarks by comparing him to Travis which is not only condescending but actually kind of mean! HELLO did we listen to the same reputation album??? You can’t praise Travis for letting Taylor bejeweled and then rip joe to shreds in the same breath when joe was the one there for her in a clearly difficult and trying time in her life
#the ripping to shreds is a little exaggerated cuz there’s not that much vitriol behind it#but I just find the callous attitude to be so disgusting and insincere#like the love for Travis is sooo much rn I can’t imagine ppl hating him if they broke up#but I couldn’t imagine that for joe either#and another thing I think has to do with how public they are which is fine#but because ppl see so much physical proof of Travis being loving it somehow automatically proves joe wasnt#he was a private man! let him be!!#and if that wasn’t smth Taylor liked/struggled with she dealt with it like the grown woman she is#I’m not saying she didn’t face any kind of emotional stress in that r/ship#but if she did/going off of her songs she dealt with it like an adult#and now that chapters closed and ofc we can still talk abt joe but the subtle menace towards him is sooo immature#like some ppl rlly need to grow up/touch grass#and I’m not hating on travis like him not being there in 2016 is not a dig towards him#it’s just pointing out who WAS there which a lot of ppl seem to be forgetting#joe alwyn#travis kelce#taylor swift
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Using Lorenzo and Charles' interviews as reference, I'd love to see any assumptions of what Kaiser and Ness would answer here
#i'm 100% sure they'll get character profiles at some point#maybe more in depth ones like the ones in the egoist bible#since these are meant to be read as interviews to the characters I wouldn't put it past Kaiser to exaggerate or lie in his#like using his answers for those questions (the morning routine/luck rituals/etc)#as reference he totally makes himself sound more put together than he actually is#even if he still sounds kind of fucked up like where's his manager. Can he say that.#anyway#i have ten million guesses for ness' favorite movie.#i could see him liking matilda. & the first 5 hp movies. & narnia. fantasia even. the first fantastic beasts movie. the wizard of oz. etc#can you tell im procrastinating/too into this#ALSO#both lorenzo and sae add comments like#'doing bad things is not ok right?' and (on the topic of school subjects and getting bad grades)'don't be like me'#which i read as both using their ng11 status to give out advice & also as something they've come to think as they've grown#would love to see a kaiser comment in this same wavelength#anyway 2 feel free to rb or reply with thoughts....... i'm curious if anyone'll get them righr#right*
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three years since sad-ist dropped dawn of the 16th, an animatic that, in as many words, literally changed my life
#i am Not exaggerating#it’s what got me into dsmp meta analysis#kind of#it led to the creation of a discord server where i met a lot of people and started doing analysis and theorycrafting and shit#which ultimately led to me leaving twitter and making my tumblr . which led to me posting meta here#and has since introduced me to some of my best friends .#quite literally changed my life .
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me laughing at the same jokes i’ve heard 1000 times every time i listen to/watch a recording of phantom
#and i swear it gets funnier every time!#was dying while listening to an audio today#(it was specifically nehal joshi during the il muto ballet)#(i could not stop laughing and i couldn’t even SEE him it was just his delivery)#(ugh he’s so funny i love him)#poto shitpost#also side note im about to go on a tangent#but my phantom hyperfixation runs so deep and i have so many thoughts about it#i have at least 100 posts in my drafts about it and i’m not exaggerating#they’re mostly silly memes but it’s still like an overload of posts about phantom#and i’m like. insecure about how much i think about it???? and how much of my headspace i dedicate to it????#so i keep the bulk of the memes/random posts in my drafts because i just feel weird about posting so much#i really could post about it 24/7 if i didn’t have to be a Person with Tasks#and idk i think im just hyper-aware of how i present my interests in daily life while offline#i am someone who hyperfixates and obsesses and while i could talk about phantom for years i am terrified of annoying people with my interest#i’m worried about being perceived as weird so i kind of flatten myself to make myself more palatable for others#which has me being insecure about the things i’m passionate about and how deep that passion runs#and these feelings have bled online to the specific space i have created as an outlet for my passion#like it’s my blog i shouldn’t be censoring my love for a thing that brings me joy#but my fear of being othered is like. overtaking me. because there are many things that i can’t change about myself#that categorize me as an ‘other’ (sexuality identity mental health etc)#and this is something i can control. i can control how i portray my personality#so i flatten my personality to compensate for the other (perceived) weird things that can’t be changed#idk i just shouldn’t feel the need to do that here bc pretty much everyone on here is super passionate about something#like obsessive about it#and that’s what i love about this site with all its faults. like this is a space for people to come and Be Weird and Act Strange#and everyone just accepts it#and also the phantom community in general#why should i water down my love for phantom in the one place where people can understand it and relate to it???#hit the tag limit but i’ve come to multiple revelations while typing this lmao
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why the fuck did i write about birds this fucking sucks. i just found out birds only sleep for a few minutes at a time, hundreds of times a day. do you know what this is going to do to my structure? the logistics of their road trip? this is already like three days late and i've been fighting for my life to get A Plot Like Any Plot That Makes Sense out and now the birds fucking sleep for 5 minutes at a time.
#i should've just bailed and written another story when i had the chance#i'm not joking i've never fought a fiction piece this hard before. usually because i'm not writing for specific deadlines#and not a piece so big. and not one that's gonna be workshopped. i wanna blow them away but if things keep going the way they are everyone'#gonna tell me the pacing sucks and it feels pointless and the characters feel really confused. I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. FUCKK#i'm the type to do about 15 passes before i let someone see my 'first draft' and i'm just not gonna be able to do that if i want to get it#in time for a workshop. every day i delay is making things harder for my classmates y'know?? but i've been writing like 1k words a day#and it's still not done. GUHH#I DON'T LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THAT MUCH THEY'RE NOT FUNNY OR ENDEARING AND THAT'S MY LIKE.#MAIN SKILL AND VIBE WITH SHORT STORY DUOS. BUT NOOOO I HAD TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT CUZ I WAS SICK OF DOING#THE SAME DYNAMIC OVER AND OVER. BITCH THIS IS YOUR FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRIED AND TRUE GETS THE BLUE (RIBBON)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head#going to work on it some more. fuckk#the voices aren't consistent and i'm trying to make it clear that this is toxic bird yuri and not a mother/daughter thing but the maternal#themes are kind of fucking with that but they're important and i don't wanna get rid of them but it feels forced cuz im forcing it#sigh. i'm gonna have to cut the yuri. these two don't work romantically at all. what a waste of time.#i watched the entirety of mnthly girls' nozaki-kun in the past two days while avoiding writing. did you know that? the lengths to which i'l#go? anyway it was fun i appreciate fellow creative agony and i uh never knew how they did screen tones and wasn't expecting that somehow#so i learned something new (hooray). anyway back to. fucking. bird story stuff#i'm so mad i hate these two (<- lying. just pissy) i hate this story (<- mostly exaggerating. throwing a tantrum)#eughhhhhh i just wanna lie on the floor and cryyyyyyyyyy (<- completely deadpan irl. not That upset just kind of sick of shit)#i'm so burnt out and it's only gonna get worse. ughh#why can't someone just come in and write it for meeeeeeeeeeheheuhhh (<- would hate that)
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"Don't forget that, 'kay?"
#vocaloid#kaito vocaloid#my art#i felt like if i put the full thing i would be burnt at the stake#which is kind of an exaggeration but it still a fear#i don't think that would get me burnt at the stake
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i want to hear the sports anime manifesto
Okay short version:
My life was a sports anime for a bit, and watching sports anime makes me nostalgic for those days.
Medium version:
The typical shonen sports anime deals with themes of camaraderie, ambition, and the intersections of camaraderie and ambition, which ALWAYS hits me right in the chest.
I'm not an ambitious person by nature, but--you know that one poem floating around on here, the one about the moth that wants nothing more than to fly into the flame, and how it would be nice to feel that kind of all consuming passion? Yeah, that's the feeling I get from sports anime.
And often, for the Team Sports anime, you'll get characters who have nothing in common except that they Love the Same Thing--a friendship/rivalry/(romance) formed on the basis of a shared interest. That's sweet as hell!
And they're super predictable and low stress for me. Very easy to watch! Total popcorn shows. Also I like listening to people infodump about their passions. Someone loved their Sport so much they wrote a whole-ass story about it, so yeah, eat that shit up.
Long version:
The Socioeconomic Inequalities of High School Sports
In high school, I was on a crappy underfunded soccer team (with a healthy dose of sexism) and due to [sports league division reasons] the schools we played against were almost exclusively private schools.
I cannot describe how existential it is to be wearing a hand-me-down formerly white-turned-disgusting-gray uniform that's at least five years old when playing against a team that gets brand new windbreakers every season.
(If you've read AAB, YES this is where my obsession with the windbreakers comes from.)
(Hilariously, the guys team got windbreakers but we didn't.)
(I am not over the fucking windbreakers.)
But anyway, when you're constantly losing to private schools you get this fucking complex about it.
This should come as no surprise but like. People with the time and resources to practice their Thing get good at their Thing.
Playing pick up soccer at the park is practice. Playing rec league soccer is organized, repeated practice.
Playing competitive club soccer is all of that, plus a coach who knows How To Coach and What The Sport Is, plus you get morale-boosting uniforms and the chance to play with and against other skilled players. So you're exposed to a lot more, and thus, you learn a lot more.
Competitive club soccer is also Expensive. Rich kids get good.
There's a reason why the "Powerhouse School" is a thing in sports anime, because it's a thing in real life. People with leisure time and money get to invest in their sports development, and everyone else gets left behind in the dust. It's basically a microcosm of capitalism.
The underdog sports story is (quite tragically) bootstraps propaganda. All you have to do is be really good and work really hard and have A LOT OF PASSION to get good at your sport! The cream rises to the top! This is a meritocracy! Let's ignore all the other factors that go into an individual's development as an athlete!
(My brother got scouted for club soccer as a kid. He actually went to tryouts and got offered a spot and a scholarship and everything, but there's SO many hidden fees after the initial registration. Uniforms, equipment, travel and accommodation, tournaments, plus like, the time sink, so we never signed him up. And equipment-wise, soccer is one of the cheapest sports you can play--just imagine the price for something like baseball or hockey.)
In sports anime, there is no reform. There is no revolution.
But sports anime isn't really about that. It's about the narratives we create when we convince ourselves that we deserve to win.
(You know what I mean. Every billionaire is convinced they're some sort of heroic underdog. The same exact kind of 'working your way up' narrative.)
Sports anime is like, the uncomplicated power fantasy of playing the game. It's a world where you are rewarded for your hard work, because it's narratively satisfying. It's a world where it's safe to want things, because you have the exact same chances as the private school kids.
I used to be an obnoxiously competitive child. Then I got all my competition beaten out of me by 3 straight years of constant losing in my clownagerie of a high school soccer team (affectionate). I am going to admit that experience made me a better person and I would not trade it for anything, but I also had to like, relearn how to want things. And maybe real life is not as equal opportunity as the world of sports anime, but I think it's good to want things.
Of course, the winner-loser dichotomy makes sense in sports because of the inherent nature of competition, but it doesn't make sense in stuff like society and economics because that's like, competing over the right to live. That's where the capitalism metaphor ends,
Does sports anime actually go into the socioeconomic inequalities of sports? No. Of course not. Giant Killing never got a season 2.
But it is something I think about when I write sports anime fic. Even if it's not the point, it influences my characterization. The ego of a prodigy character in a shitty sports program is different from the ego of a prodigy character in a rich kid sports program. I am obligated to my amateur attempts to capture the complexities of the high school sports environment in my fanfiction because I am fucking insane I had a specific high school sports experience and they do say to write what you know.
#MEG I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL READ TANGERINE AT SOME POINT#I have so many thoughts about sports anime which is tragic because sports anime is not that deep#it is never that deep#part of the reason why I got so sucked into Daiya is because of the powerhouse school setting#and the fact that Eijun was so obviously lost because he never had that kind of organized system before#people give Seidou a lot of shit for 'not helping Eijun' enough but genuinely it's because he has NO CLUE how to reach out#I poured so much brainpower into Eijun's backstory in my brain it's embarrassing as hell#*shaking fanfic authors by the shoulders* YEAH THE CUTTHROAT COMPETION SUCKS BUT YOU DONT FIX IT BY SENDING HIM TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL#I also am the only person who understands Miyuki Kazuya (exaggeration)#everyone gives him shit for the Nabe thing and look. yes he was wrong.#but I was once in that same exact situation and responded exactly the same way#Daiya no Ace is not about friendship#it's about Ambition#and people tend to make Eijun the sweet sentimental sunshine friendship guy#but he has JUST as much cutthroat ambition as Miyuki#that's why they work. that's why they understand each other#there's a whole essay I could write about Misawa but it's basically just chapter 18 of AAB#anyway if you want to watch a sports anime that does the Healthy Ambition and the Friendship Thing in the most wholesome way possible#watch Haikyuu. it really is the perfect sports anime.#shame the fanfic is 99% ship because the sports aspect of it is SUPER sweet#asks#jumpstrike#I'm answering jumpstrike but Tav I hope you see this too#lazuli talks#sports anime
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a lot of what’s happening with twitter is hilarious but at the same time i think it’s deeply revealing of how badly unionization is needed for all tech workers, not only those in the game industry. there are reports of remaining developers sleeping at the office to try to meet their new insane deadlines after half the company was laid off. while obviously developers are not the most vulnerable workers in the world i think there is something to be said about how the perception — both internal and external — of software development as a cushy prestigious job that makes it easier for people — again, both inside and outside the industry — to overlook the reality of how badly many developers are treated, even at big tech companies. like, why do you think the google offices have all those “cool” amenities? it’s to encourage their devs to spend more time at the office and strip away reasons to leave on time; the idea behind it is if you can work out and eat and “relax” at the office, what’s your excuse for going home, for not staying the extra two, three, four hours to get this project done for tomorrow? so many of these companies are intentionally designed from their culture to their physical architecture to erode work-life balance and get more labor than they’re paying for. what’s happening with twitter is just a very public speedrun of what’s been going on behind closed doors for years.
#t#like yes a lot of Big Tech is evil. but that’s not all of tech.#and this kind of environment is not conducive to getting ppl who want to make tech less evil to be able to stick around long enough to do it#i work as a software developer for a non-tech company and that was an intentional choice i made#both for moral reasons and to make sure i’d be treated reasonably well#i make less than half of what friends who i graduated with and have the exact same degree i do make#which i say not to complain about my salary because i am paid well (for where i live - my coworkers who are based at our company’s other#office in a city with a MUCH higher cost of living are paid the same i am and barely enough for them)#but to emphasize that there is often a monetary cost to being treated like a human being in tech#and it often puts you on the very fringes of the industry#i studied video game design! i wanted to make video games! but i am not exaggerating when i say the crunch culture would have killed me.
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i have a weird relationship with weight because i hated eating more than anything the moment i was ready for solids ( i hate chewing with my entire life always have & will ) which made me underweight for most of my life ( to this day ) & during late primary-middle school this made me actively suicidal because i felt like something was wrong with my sex because i just was not developing whatsoever prompting me to have a years long phase of trying to gain weight in any way i could ( #EPICFAIL by the way ) & i was already insecure but i felt seriously so unforgivably ugly after bullying not just at school but by adults of my entourage. but then i did in my late 15s which prompted the pendulum to swing in the other direction & suddenly i FREAKED OUT & thought well being skinny is pretty much all i have & know myself to be & clearly it is not going to last forever so i Better preserve it i was delusional about how skinny i thought i was actually i look stumpy & weird i have to prove myself. But now i am normal again kind of
#also i used to get beaten to finish my food nearly daily & it would take me forever to do that like literally hours with no exaggeration#just made me hate eating even more. now my technique is eating as fast as possible before i even realize how overwhelming#the sensory experience is & i can just be done with it VS the pain&dread of eating slowly -> disgust of Everything+hyperawareness#eating tightens my muscles like i hate it so fucking much catching the food putting it in my mouth CHEWING swallowing#what a damn chore#so i always liked cheese it was my “safe food” pretty much the only thing i liked#i even hated the foods autists usually like like fries & fried chicken meatballs ETC. HATED.#i was/am more of a soup & turning all my food into varieties of Slop kind of girl nothing hard for me please...#i experienced middle school during the like ♯Thick era of the world which was honestly a good thing like for The Populace#but i felt like killing myself because i felt like an unforgivable fugly genetic failure & people did not hesitate to let me know#anyway either way i would be unhappy caus if i did gain weight during puberty i would have a meltdown about all the Changes#so i feel content for the time being about only losing the fat in my face & getting age appropriate wrinkles really#trying to enjoy the privilege of thinness while i have it because it will not last forever 0_0 but that should not matter anyway...#the privilege of thinness: being way uglier than others & constantly looking like a gibbon dying of disease + no energy or strength ever#JK people are much MUCH nicer to thin people & they do things for me on account of looking physically incapable so um yay i guess#light at the end of the tunnel that is very significant in the grand scheme of things socially. ♯CountingMyBlessings#also i was raised on ♯HAES tumblr from 2014-2018 i truly believed in that & was so damn envious i was not curvy & beautiful LOL#so i never hated overweight people really i think for the most part the SJW tumblr values stuck with me#but now i know it depends on your base frame & genetics & there is no guarantee to what you choose to do (naturally) acceptance is peace#sorry for the gigantic Arse post i just needed to get that off my chest for a long time. not on here specifically just in general#oh & i am a ♯Grignoteuse but grignoter (grazing) is different from eating in my mind&body#& my insecurity was not a result of wanting to fit in really but kind of in the sense that i wanted people to stop berating me for my looks#like body wise only & also not understanding why every other girl looked like a girl blossoming into a woman#& i looked like i was transitioning to Malnourished (unsexed) Ape made worse by bein GNC.& like the need for control later on & erthang ETC
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😭💔
#the problem is that I tend to extrapolate things from the beginning.#I have a serious crush. I would date him if he asked. heck I think I'd marry him.#and then we get to the massive#overwhelming ISSUE:#having kids is genuinely my worst nightmare. I'm not exaggerating in any way. being pregnant and having kids is my worst fear.#so because of that I cannot get married and thus I cannot date and thus#I can't allow myself to be in love with this guy.#which then leads to mental anguish bc I sometimes wonder if God isn't doing something here#but in the end I can't have... any of this. because I'm too utterly averse to having children#and that's kind of the end result of any of it#ugh#why did I have to have this crisis (again) over my morning coffee.... alas
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there is not enough 92sies sprace. i know what you all are doing. 92sies fans did not get on their knees and pick up crumbs to ship spot and race for the rest of us to run off with it and apply it to livesies where not only do they not even directly interact, but fanon prefers because they find the actors more attractive, and then proceed to boil their characters down to 1-2 traits each and ship them in a weird almost f/tishy "dumb feminine man x angry masculine man" way. guys this is a class war not the yaoi war.
#& dont get me wrong NOT all sprace content is like this. it's just Enough#i know this is gonna be controversial but as much as i love sprace ive finally realized why a lot of the fan content doesnt appeal to me#or is just straight up uncomfortable#and it kind of goes with the sexification of funny characters in general which race has fallen victim to#in which ppl remove their depth; give them more sex appeal; and add a pinch of frat boy to the mixture#to make this unhinged sexful comic relief#now im just as in love with btc as the rest of yall but race fell victim to this because he was in the proshot and ppl were attracted 2 him#which is fine#BUT leads to a lot of like.#misinterpretation of his character or just heavily exaggerating certain aspects that made him initially attractive to ppl#which then ends up consuming fanon like a poisoned water supply#it's kinda a variation of sexymanification. fanon making a character stereotypically queer but in a way that is attractive and consumable#and completely overtakes canon aspects of the character. it is not inherently f*tishy but it can definitely acquire those vibes#source: kuroo tetsurou warrior who survived 2016 era haikyuu fandom#92sies sprace is a funny rarepair while livesies sprace is like when the bbc sherlock fandom shipped lestrade and mycroft for no reason#but with the vibes of the ppl who Made Up A Man to ship moriarty with. does that make sense.#the never-interacted rarepair mixed with the yaoiful (derogatory) vibes of 'if this man has no one to ship with i'll just make one myself'#and again i dont think all (livesies) sprace content falls victim to this nor do all people Intend to characterize them this way#i can totally get Not realizing you're portraying them this way until someone points it out#and i couldnt even articulate why i didn't like a lot of sprace content until i saw some passing mentions of this like. An Hour ago#newsies#sprace#dontlistento me
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