you guys are never going to believe this but the mota finale was bad and they didn’t even bring curt back

hello!! i've got a VERY ODD situation with this friend of mine. im in blue she's in red ^ but over the past few weeks- every time i've shown interest in a guy, she's gone after him. i had a major thing for this guy who i was flirting with heavily (he approached me first and we'd been speaking for weeks) and she got rly drunk this one time and told me she likes him too (WHILE knowing that him and i are def onto something and have been for weeks) and in the same night tried to kiss him (he eventually rejected her this time and later on when she "confessed" her feelings). anyway. after that was done, recently we went to the club and everytime id mention how i think some guy is cute, she'd immediately start flirting w the person???? like girl?? it feels like a very one sided competition where she thinks she needs to prove that she can "get" whoever i want. tonight we went to the first guy's (mentioned above) bday dinner and him and i were talking rly normally while the rest of the friend group interacted w each other and i could SEE her staring at us. and like. the rest of the night she was so aggressive towards me, kept saying stuff like how i really liked this guy at the club (she said this SOOOOO Loud) and how i didnt approach him so i have no "rizz" like girlie i'm just not desperate like u to be running after men. then we were talking ab rats for some reason n she was like "haha funny ur talking ab rats look at urself" LIKE GIRL catch a hint!!! this behavior is not cute. ur so bitter. and then at the end of the night i mispronounced a word (english is not my first language) and she was like haha whyd u say it like that and he (the guy we both had in common) jumped in to explain and he was j like "shes not from around here ofc shes gonna get some words wrong" and THIS BITCH. this racist bitch goes "then she should go back to where she came from" LIKE GIRL.. omg u are so pathetic. AND I DONT GET WHERE THIS IS COMING FROM COS isnt my stellium in her 1h? so shouldnt i be the one getting jealous or something? we also have 4h synastry which is supposed to be comfortable... but this aint it

Hi,

I'm gonna be honest and say I read your question and your thoughts yesterday already. But it is an odd situation, so I had to really look into it.

Let's start at the finish, yes indeed 4th house Synastry, but it's Pisces!! It's like secret enemies. I also feel there is a lot of jealousy in the connection due to Scorpio over the 12th house. And Pluto in the 1st overlays. I just think she is insecure. There is sometimes that intimidates her and she almost "tries to prove herself". But it's like not even that...

So I feel you can't really control her behaviour, but what you can do is limit YOURSELF from these kind of interactions or distance yourself away from this kind of behaviour. You can't do anything about her behaviour. But you can eliminate yourself from hanging and interacting with her. Because I think based on this Synastry, the situations and interactions are draining for both.

I hope you resolve this,

@astroismypassion

hi ks!! hope you're doing well. i absolutely love your hannibal meta posts, and while i have no idea if youd still be open to any asks, id love to hear your insight on something im stuck on (im also rly new to analysis so pls forgive me for any dumb comments!!) tw sa mention

in the hannibal s3e13 script when dolarhyde attacks will in his hotel room, there are a few lines with notable word choice:

"postcoital" "terrible lover's embrace" it threw me off a bit bc i didnt expect such specific wording. is this scene an allegory for sa? i wasnt sure if this was just the norm for hannibal scripts or if this was something noteworthy.

as far as i understand dolarhyde is now terribly jealous of will for being the subject of hannibal's love and angry at being emasculated. lots of ppl also say dolarhyde wanted to "change" hannibal by ruining/"defiling" the one thing (will) he truly cared for.

everything seems to makes sense, but i dont know if im making something out of nothing, or oversimplifying it. do you have a take on this considering your opinions on the francis hannibal and will dynamic? id love to hear anything you have to offer!! ty for all you do <3

Another ask: hello!! so sorry to bother again, happy late birthday!! i was judt wondering if you got my ask about the will + francis scene in the script---totally ok if you dont wanna answer it! i would just love to discuss it because i couldnt find much discussion for it when i tried searching tumblr/google

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Hey! Thank you so much for your ask and for your wishes <3

So, 'Hannibal' scripts are indeed famous for having rich sexual imagery. In this specific case, there is also context. I don't know if you've seen this already, but there is indeed evidence that Francis had sexual interest in Hannibal (apart from other kinds of fascination). From his notes made for the show, this particular bit (transcribed by Bentley):

“I think we are so similar and could be the best partners that history could have seen. Let me show you what we could do together doctor. I am so eager to please you to be your friend your lover perhaps. Why not I think we could love each other doctor. Don’t you want to have someone that is the one in your life. That special someone that is always here for you. It is me doctor? I am!”

Here’s an interesting part about Will as addressed to Hannibal:

“He faces you, he traps you but in the end he is broken! Do you think he understands you? Do you think he really appreciates your magical power? Does he realize how special and unique and wonderful you are doctor. I have my doubts, I don’t think he really sings the wonder, the salvation that can come from following you, knowing you. ”

That’s extremely interesting because it gives a much deeper insight into Francis and his motivations. For one thing, one of the phrases that always bothered me in the show is his description of Will - namely, the mention that he’s “not very handsome”. It’s from the books, so it might apply there, but Will in the show is handsome, very much so. Francis seems to resent him.

After Hannibal basically helps Will get to Francis in the museum & some more events later, Francis grows furious because he realizes that Will is the central player while he, Francis, is a pawn. Hannibal doesn't care about him the way he thought.

Francis’ attitude to Will undergoes some changes: at the start, he touched his photo, which denotes his interest. He threw him away like a toy in the museum, and while it’s just an interpretation, to me, he looked pissed at Will in particular. When he tells Hannibal later that Will interests him, it can’t be just from their museum encounter. Francis clearly knows a lot about Will (likely from Freddie’s articles), but he doesn’t like him because he thinks him unworthy of Hannibal, which his notes prove. But in TWOTL, in the moment you mentioned, Francis is very unsure about Will. He is no longer certain what to think of him (since he thinks Hannibal has chosen him). He automatically treats him with some sort of respect because of who he is to Hannibal and what he must represent.

I think this explains how they chose to describe the scene of the attack. It's not necessarily a sexual assault, but violence frequently has erotic undertones in 'Hannibal.' Here, Francis might be trying to look at Will like Hannibal, like a lover, hoping to understand what he sees in him. He's respectful and almost reverent at some points after Will regains consciousness. In his eyes in these moments, Will is Hannibal's partner, the man who has what Francis wanted.

Notably, this respect turns into fury in the finale, where he attacks Will viciously. Interesting that he goes to ruin his face first and foremost. Considering his own insecurity, it says a lot about his many-layered jealousy, from deep to a superficial physical level.

I've been thinking lately about the women on here who claim that any woman who thought she was a lesbian and later realized she was bi was deliberately lying. I think it comes from a place of fear about being wrong about their sexuality. But that pressure and stigma they put out into the community about being wrong makes it harder for women who were wrong about themselves (in any direction or way...thinking you were bi but you're straight, bi but lesbian, lesbian but bi, etc) to come forward about it. And then I think that only makes their fear about being wrong even worse and perpetuates more of the nastiness.

Yeah, there's a chance that I'm wrong about being a lesbian and one day I will wake up and be attracted to a man I guess. I don't believe it will happen because I'm secure in my sexuality and don't take it out on others. But even if it did, it wouldn't make me a bad person and I also still wouldn't date a man because bi doesn't mean you have to date men. I'd just have to admit I was wrong and that can be hard but we don't have to make it harder. No one is perfect and the world can make figuring this all out harder because we don't live in a vacuum where sexuality, which should have no stigma attached to it and no oppression or privilege, is not a neutral thing in reality.

agreed with u here. we need to make it normal for ppl to admit to when they were wrong about their sexuality, instead of making it like a public spectacle and assuming the worst. im not saying there weren’t cases where ppl were simply lying, im sure there was, but there’s also cases of ppl genuinely being confused. i identified as bi for like 3 years (tho i was quiet for the first year, wasn’t sure how i felt about men throughout & for like the last year of it i was rly thinking that im actually a lesbian but wanted to be sure before i said anything) and it wasn’t some kind of malicious act. i wish sexuality could somehow be visible at times or sth so that we could know for a fact and never be wrong especially bc it’s so persecuted and doubted by homophobes & others but the reality is there’s nothing to really “prove” that kind of stuff. our sexuality is more or less internal and our understanding of it will change depending on our own thinking and awareness. this makes being wrong about it pretty possible. i run a lesbian-only server and there were many women who would have sexuality crises or would realise they’re bi (most were still young so it makes sense. i think it makes sense to be bi but feel so strongly about women that u only notice feelings for men between ages 18-22) and i talked to some of these women for years. iirc all of them have never been with men and didn’t realise they felt anything for them until a certain point. it can be scary esp when u confidently thought u were a lesbian for years and it’s difficult to accept as well after you’ve already gone thru the process of accepting urself as a lesbian. i believe they were honest about their situation and didn’t secretly know or sth. they were just young & inexperienced & that can happen. what matters to me is that the person who previously misidentified as a lesbian doesn’t then claim they “used to be a lesbian” or that sexuality can change. being mistaken is ok and shouldn’t be treated w such scrutiny & suspicion on here. instead being honest about it like that should be encouraged

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year

Hi! For ao3 wrapped I’d love if you answered 5, 12, and 30 😊

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

this SHOULDN'T have surprised me, but bangable was my first outright smut piece for aftg, and i laughed when i woke up the next morning and my inbox was POPPIN. i feel like aftg fandom is usually p quiet in the comment section (or im just spoiled by the richness of simon snow fandom), but people were SO READY to talk about this blowjob hahahha.

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

oh man LOL. theres a short answer and a long answer and im gonna go for long bc maybe talking abt it all will hold me accountable for finishing stuff.

ok so like technically i have 1 million wips. jk. technically technically i have 41 aftg wips (and ENDLESS more simon snow wips), but most of those google docs are resting in peace in my "wip graveyard" folder. they may be resurrected one day but who knows.

so more accurately i am currently sitting on four wips! all aftg.

my hs au We Can Live Forever... which i actually completed the next chapter for! but i dont want to post it until i finish the one after bc i kind of leave it off on a mean note. i might post it anyway so that people get mad at me and motivate me to keep writing though...

what i have dubbed "slut au," in which our favorite resident ace neil explores sex. its sitting at 20k rn, about halfway thru the plot. very messy atm. about 60% smut.

my secret aftg winter exchange fic

my (NEW AS OF A FEW HOURS AGO) secret aftg mixtape exchange fic

im also p much always playing w flash fics, AAAAND i have been thinking abt revisiting this old au i was working on last spring where neil works at a froyo shop. i actually wrote an entire first draft for that -- i think its sitting at like 12k but its a complete mess. i think of her tho... the found family vibes were v good...

OH and i am seriously considering doing a magnum opus andrew POV fic. i need to move into my own apartment in order to accomplish this because i want to like. really go ham analyzing the books and scaffolding that plot bc if i do it im going to tell the same story but with a very different structure i think. and i cannot do this in my current living situation. so that would probs be my Fic of 2023 if true.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

cheesy. but more than anything i think i've come to know myself as a fiction writer this year. ive always written fiction in bits and pieces, and ive done a shit ton of professional nonfiction writing. writing snowbaz last year felt good in that i was finally writing regularly, but switching fandoms upped my confidence because thats when i could finally prove to myself that i wasn't just copying rainbow rowell hahaha. WHICH LIKE she definitely continues to influence my writing but i think ive developed my style in a way where its more my own now -- i don't lean on the style of aftg the way i did for simon snow fics. and while andrew is undeniably NOT my character, ive done a lot of work around the way i write his POV that im proud of. and this makes me think that if i wanted to write original stories i could... even tho i havent rly come up with a story i want to tell on my own just yet!

from this ask meme!

hey, I don't usually reach out to artists like this but I want to thank you for those culturally appropriate masa redesigns. I was a fan of his for a while and admittedly always found those designs he made to be extremely questionable (especially the GANESHA designs... if you have to TELL your audience what real-world God the character is supposed to be then you really messed up when designing them). Like you said, it goes to show that he did enough research to know what they were supposed to look like, but chose to go against it and hypersexualize the designs anyway because horny. Your redesigns proved that he not only could have done better from a cultural standpoint but that these characters would have still been beautiful even if they were wearing more than a yard of fabric lol. Masa has been doing this stuff for a VERY long time and I'm truly surprised that nobody said anything before. I really hope he learns something from this mess but from the way he's been reacting... well, I sort of doubt it. U dont have to respond to this, its just something i wanted to get off my chest, hope u have a good holiday mate

haha anon thank u so much !!!!!!!!!!!! i rly do appreciate this 😆😆💜💜 [long rant below oops soz anon]

oh yeah i definitely agree !!!! ive always had an issue and been pretty vocal [on insta] about his design choices in general bc…. this is a personal ick but i just hate hornybait art [esp from men] bc 90% of the time it looks uncanny that i dont understand how its hot…. this is especially seen in masas newer art - his clothing is vacuum sucked booby pocket that looks plasticky / nonsensical and the faces r just … yknow ? [doesnt help his woman anatomy hasnt improved much w the boobs being super high 2 the collarbone that it makes everything look off - and i always excused it bc i think it was when he drew the soap lagoon tribute image ? he said how he knows his artstyle is not how it was during onibi series and wishes 2 not return 2 it + the art is not the biggest priority over music which makes sense ! idk his art is always the best when not sexualised [or at least u cannot tell at 1st glance] like his avicii tribute / cappuccino pv or literally anything non human like guns / skulls etc]

edit: i just remembered the existence of patriot balalaika [hate that song sm as a russian immigrant] and i lied that song is the *best* researched song bc there is no sexualisation and it bases it true on the life of a war zone - WHICH FUCKING SUCKS that out of all songs it is that gets proper treatment .... what the fuck i get the dude likes military stuff but boooooooo so uninteresting [props 2 him removing the pv tho !]

im very happy that my redesigns served its purpose !! it was honestly quite easy after looking at multiple pictures + articles / blogs about said topic…. his la catrina is the best one only because it matched a cheap outfit i saw while researching so yknow thats something… his defence 4 ganesha also pretty much confirms what u said w hypersexualisation:

funny thing is during this whole situation i wrote an essay about fetishisation of women in comics 4 uni and he fits all the criteria of that so yay…. go cishet men 🥳🥳/s

i am so sorry anon 4 the long rant 😭😭 i too wish u a happy holiday !!!!!!!!!!!!! 🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎄🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

you say you have a zhongli xxxholic au? 😳😳😳 can u link it i.cant seem to find it im so interested...

GSGDGDHSHDHF KINDA??

It's about this post i rbed earlier!!!

It's mostly about a series of books found in game! Heart's Desire! Here's the link of the wiki

It's a popular theory that Zhongli is the shopkeeper of this mysterious antique shop, just because her descriptions fit rex incognito's (another book series ingame! Highly reccomend it, it's about rex lapis in the human world) and zhongli in general, dark long hair and ambar eyes. Here's the thing tho! It is said that an adeptus can change their body but never their eyes, that's why it's important.

Although we cannot prove the veracity of the contents of the book just bc it's meant to be fiction.... I think?

But still!!!!!!! It's rly fun to think about it, everytime i read it i think it's zhongli. It's true than in the last rite he said that the descriptions of rex lapis in rex incognito aren't accurate because a god would never want to stand out if they want to walk arround the humans BUT!!! WHAT ZHONGLI DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT he's a total eye candy, i would put that in the zhongli is a bit dense category rather than a theory breaking point, since he doesn't deny that he liked to interact with humans

(Zhongli's Character story 3)

And what really makes the click with this theory (or au? I dont know!!) Is the second volume of Heart's Desire, it's titled Glaze ( you know)

It starts like this

This are all objects of the shop, all referencing rex lapis, lanterns for the lantern rite, the fang could be from Chi, aerosiderite which is the material of Zhongli's meteor, a dull geometric object which would be Guizhong's dumbbell and Havria's tears

Then we have a literal reference to the shopkeeper's eyes!!! And they are like Cor Lapis, zhonglicore right there!!!

And after skipping the story a little bit we have this at the end of the volume

I really think the shopkeeper is talking to Guizhong's heart, Guizhong loved humanity and Zhongli likes trips, doesn't it fit??????? (Shakes you) I really reccomend reading the whole story since it also has a bit of lore of some mondstadt characters that have artifacts and other stories (I'm really interested in the blue eyed spear witch since i think it rly sounds like signora, I have another theory that Rosalyne has a rebirth cycle)

I think that's mostly it!! They are two of my favourite books! I love Zhongli a whole bunch!

Rant

~

~

Tell me why whenever someone tells me they like me or whatever they immediately get so ugly to me and I start being repulsed by them

Like wtf is wrong with me ????

This is specifically men tho btw i haven’t experienced this w women but no I am not a lesbian so don’t start. Im pan.

But Fr like, im kinda talking to this guy I met on tinder and im now like super annoyed and slowly getting repulsed by him?? Which is interesting cuz usually it’s immediately but maybe it’s slower cuz I swiped right after initially finding him decently attractive ? Idk.

Idk it’s so complicated. Like I could psychoanalyze it and stuff but I literally just ??? Like idk. I don’t have the mental energy to try and figure out another behaviour of mine on my own in my head.

But overall I think it’s a mix of a few things—- the first being that I feel like none of the people around me are good enough for me or like, I’m just straight up not attracted to anyone in my life rn. And so it’s like when someone confesses feelings for me I’m like, sorry what?? U think you’re good enough to be with me??? And Ik that’s not a good trait but I legit dk how to stop it. But I also think like, it’s not the worst thing in the world for me? Cuz I have a rly RLY bad history of being with people who are so shitty and not good enough for me and etc etc and this is kinda like me realizing my own worth in a way?? I just wish I could be less gross and toxic about it. The second thing is that I feel like I need to be with someone very obviously hotter and better than my ex. Because I feel the need to prove my worth and that I’m not his anymore by doing exceptionally better than him. Which tbh is legit anyone given the fact that he a nearly middle aged pedophile broke coke addict. But still. Idk. I have this weird image/idea of him in my head I can’t kick because of shit. And ig that’s why I feel like no one is better than him ig. And also that I compare legit everyone and everything to him even though he’s a literal sack of shit. The third I think is that I just don’t want to be in a relationship rn maybe?? Like I’m happy by myself. Like yeah it would be really nice to have someone and sex and everything but I feel like I’m just in a spot rn where I just like, don’t want to focus on dating or even have the energy to do that. And I also really don’t want to meet someone online cuz god it’s so hard and such a confidence killer cuz everyone on there just wants one mf thing like 99% of the time and if they don’t I’m not attracted to them. But legit always the second I start focusing on myself a million ppl always find their way into my life and catch feelings etc and I’m just like … what???? Idfk man. But also I feel like I just don’t have the emotional capacity rn to have strong romantic feelings for someone? Like I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to genuinely like someone. So I guess I’m just super horny and rly want sex. But I’m also not gonna go have a one night stand or fuck someone random etc cuz I only have one body and it’s my pedo ex and it took me a YEAR of his shit to finally sleep with him so I’m like, yeah that’s not gonna work for me. To have sex I need to be in love with someone deadass. And with them long term. This is so fucking annoying. But also whatever it’s not rly that big of a deal I’m just super annoyed by it all.

fuck this, i have more thoughts abt buttercups eva au!

(if this is your first time seeing buttercups eva au: its an au where grian, mumbo, and scar are pilots of evangelions. like, from neon genesis evangelion. i dont think much knowledge of eva is required, but im prolly wrong shfjfj. other things abt this au can be found in the #buttercups eva au tag.)

character backstories! made this up while trying to sleep last night . this is scars, ill write grian and mumbos later

reminder that im kinda partially saying 'fuck the lore of eva' bcs i literally watched this thing two days ago and it does not make sense to me but i like the Vibes. also am maayyybeee??? calling the angels watchers in this au.

so, scar goodtimes: (this is more of a character profile... a rly rambly one.)

his parents were... killed, and he is under suspicion for being the one to do it. i am unsure whether or not he actually killed them, but the alternative is that they killed themselves and then he got blamed for it. whatever. he doesnt particularly care that they died; they were assholes. so hes on the run, hopping countries whenever he can. he tries to stay in places the longest he can, but he can never stay too long as it gets unsafe + he gets paranoid. also he pissed off a SHITTON of people during his travels so hes also hiding from them. at some point tho he gets weary of always running, despite being scared of stopping, he says fuck it and tries to settle down someplace, even just for a bit. probably fuckin... germany or something? he IS technically supposed to be the asuka of this au.

so he settles down in say, gemany. tricks the government into giving him a new identity via the loophole of him being born right after the second impact, when the world was in SHAMBLES. he says that he never like, officially registered in the government databases due to the disarray and is only coming forth about it now. the government is like 'okay sus but sure'. mooostly cause hes a viable eva pilot i think. anygays he gets an identity, goes to school, is very Normal, but then he gets approached like 'hey do you want to pilot a giant mech? okay great you have no choice'. he wouldnt have said no either way; nerv being a government facility means that its safe. besides, hes curious.

so he becomes the second child, the pilot of eva unit02. he doesnt find it particularly great but its fine enough. he likes feeling like he actually has power for once in his life. he knows he doesnt, not really, but what matters is the feeling of it when it comes to these things, isnt it?

and if youre going like 'lime, his parents being mysteriously killed and him being on the run is a rly flimsy backstory', my answer to that is that i KNOW. but this is silly au and i can do what i want. all of this is subject to change hjksdfsnamd

also hes trans (because i said so). when he got a legal identity, they were like 'we are not going to call you scar'and he was like 'boo'. and then still went by scar.

hes been in a LOT of countries over the course of the course of his life, which means that hes picked up quite a few other languages. how can he trick convince people into letting him hitch a ride if they dont understand him! so hes a polyglot but like, a really bad one if that makes sense fsjdkfnds. id say hes fluent in english, german, japanese, which are the obligatory languages for this, but im sure he knows several more, even if hes not necessarily fluent.

his whole life, especially while his parents were alive but even after that, hes been told that hes worthless and that he wont ever really accomplish anything. how could anyone like him ever do anything with their life? so yeah, spite. hes decided that no, theyre wrong. even though hes never been in one consistent place for most of his life, hes always been determined to somehow prove them wrong. so that definitely plays into being one of the first eva pilots beside the whole safety thing.

hes... determined. but hes never had many close relationships, having always left before anything true could bloom (boom, the whole being on the run thing is a metaphor now as well cause hes running from himself too haha). he puts up a confident façade to hide the fact that he very much does not know what hes doing. hes trying to prove people wrong, that hes better than what they say, but he usually always leaves before he can do that, afraid of actually doing it. here, hes forced to actually stay. so even if he doesnt particularly want to (he does, he just doesnt want to acknowldge it because surely hes better than personal connections? surely theyre a weakness?), he becomes close friends with grian and mumbo and learns that yeah maybe he doesnt have to run. maybe he can stay put.

and thats it mostly!

hope this makes sense, thank you so much for reading! if you have any questions or thoughts abt this au, shoot them in my askbox. this is a very very unplanned au, so anth is appreciated. Ɛ>

ok idea for the s3 1941 flashback, involves a rejected kiss and also some zombie shit w/ furfur

crowley and aziraphale do a lil slow dancing, post the ‘shades of grey’ convo (idea from this gorgey art). aziraphale gets a lil starry eyed and leans in to initiate a kiss, but gets swerved by crowley.. like in the way where he turns and makes aziraphale kiss his cheek instead

and they're both mortified just standing there holding each other as the music plays on.. and it's like.. if aziraphale was chill he could 100% recover from this (a little bit of a bummer that he got swerved, but crowley's still holding his hand and the small of his back so clearly he's not too pissed...meanwhile, crowley's literally standing there psyching himself up to turn back and kiss him again properly..the biggest reason he avoided the kiss in the first place was shock..so he's working on building up his nerve)

but aziraphale isn't chill, unfortunately. and he rly did not expect to get rejected so he's just burning with white hot shame and panic and after a couple awkward moments he hits crowley with the classic 'forgive me'

but he says it just a little too quiet. and shame-filled. and reverent. and after a moment it kind of dawns on them both that he's like.. not reeeally asking crowley to forgive him for the kiss but moreso ,,,asking forgiveness from the lord god for kissing a demon..or even wanting to kiss him.. which ofc fully fully kills the mood

but oops! furfur came back to the bookshop that night to spy on/threaten them bcos they fucked up his promotion and made him look stupid and what does he see? aziraphale kissing crowley's cheek on purpose. and he's like oh yea no y'all are GAY gay, kissing on each other and shit (something something about how by kissing crowley’s cheek, aziraphale unintentionally exposes him to the enemy, judas-style) so he waits outside for crowley to leave cus he knows he's not getting in the door and he's not about to NOT try blackmailing these assholes again

MEANWHILE crowley is still standing there holding aziraphale, and crowleys brain is chugging along like 'wowwww ..sooo first he tries to kiss me, which is awesome...but then he immediately feels all dirty about trying it in the first place and literally asks god to forgive him??? which proves i was right to swerve him to begin with. because if i would have let him kiss me, he'd have just tortured himself about how he's so bad and wrong for doing it, and he'd overcompensate by ignoring me for a few years and refusing to call me his friend again.. all that trust talk, insisting on helping me with my bootlegging business, getting CAUGHT helping me with my bootlegging business, not to mention the hundreds of years of 'sinful' shit he's done for the arrangement...he's ok w/ 'shades of light gray' because he wants to shoot guns and eat cake and drink wine, but kissing me is where he draws the line..like he rly is deep down disgusted with me, huh. like SPECIFICALLY PHSYICALLy.. nice nice, love it, no that’s fair, i am a disgusting horrible demon so it makes sense and is cool. aight peace!'

and his reasoning would fall apart under scrutiny, but he doesnt say anything - just steps away and grabs his hat and coat and leaves (cos duh he just does that in situations like this). and aziraphale, obviously feeling horrible, kind of just lets it happen cos he thinks he fucked up (even tho he doesn't really fully understand how) and he just feels guilty for like 30 years about simultaneously rejecting and getting rejected by crowley.

anyway, crowley leaves the bookshop, trying not to cry lmao, hops in the bentley and drives off but then there's furfur in the passenger seat like 'hey girl hi...so u cost me my promotion, aaaand i saw the angel kiss you.' crowleys like 'do u have any proof? no. r u still pathetic? yes. and im STILL not dealing with this' and furfurs like 'oh what, did he reject u and u got yr lil feely weelys hurt' and crowley's like not dignifying that with a response, but technically? crowley rejected him. so..

[MAYBE THERE COULD BE A FUN FINAL ZOMBIE CAPER IN THE MIDDLE HERE where crowley and furfur need to dispatch the zombies for some reason and furfur has to like..trust crowley in a way that's so rare for demons to be able to experience in hell. and when furfur experiences that kind of trust (what feels like friendship) ofc he wants more, because being in competition all the time sucks so hard and he's soooo bad at it.. in this fake s3, there will be a pattern of more demons and angels coming to crowley & aziraphale’s ‘side’ against heaven and hell, and a flashback to furfur experiencing some fun friendly times with crowley could be fun backstory for his eventual rebellion against hell.

anyway, furfur gets a little tender hearted for crowley because i think he really does look up to him and thinks he's cool and doesnt understand why his friend just stopped giving a shit about him...why he keeps pretending not to know him... but anyway they kill the zombies successfully and crowley gets in the car to drive away but now furfurs following him around puppy dog style]

furfurs in the passenger seat [a bit of an az parallel for a sec] like 'hey, thanks for helping me out. maybe i can help you out, re: the whole angel thing. breakups are hard. i dont really understand why you'd wanna be with some stinky angel anyway. but hey! maybe there's a bright side! we could work together, like the old times. we're still a pretty good team (re: zombies). we should go report him to heaven, i think shax has a contact up there.. if we got an angel to fall it wouldn't just be a commendation, it would be duke of hell level shit...for both of us'

and ofc crowley (who had kind of forgotten abt aziraphale for a second in all the zombie hijinks) snaps and goes all terrifying demon on him, like 'if u even mention his name again, i'll literally kill you. i hate heaven and every angel in the place, but i wouldn't subject this fate to my worst enemy. now get out of my sight u horrible, disgusting, miserable waste of space' (projecting much, crowley?) which makes furfur do the demon equivalent of peeing in his pants, like legitimately thinking he might get killed rn, and he's looking at crowley with the fear of satan in his eyes..which just affirms crowley's self-hatred/self-fulfilling prophecy about how horrible he is. so crowley just shoves him out of the door and into the street and drives away

furfur sits in the road and realizes like oh ok 1. this dude is really really scary strong, 2. this dude i think would legitimately kill me if i tried to fuck with him or the angel, and 3./worst of all, he either really actually doesn't remember me or (and this 1 would hurt him most) crowley remembers it all but genuinely doesn't care about furfur or any demon anymore - that since they fell, they’re truly irredeemably evil but not evil in the cool/good way, evil in the useless pathetic waste of space way. he walks away from the whole experience believing crowley would be fine if he and everyone like him was literally dead. unlike this night had him believing, there is no ‘good’ in the world, no 'friendship', not for a demon, and now he’s going to hold this grudge forever and hold up crowley as like… his personal villain/poster child of what happens when u stray from hell.

and then yknow, in the current-moment part of the episode, furfur has to make a choice to either trust or fuck someone over (maybe literally crowley again) and he can have a lil redemption moment. idk im just having fun

Ugh I feel so depressed. I just don’t feel like we are good together,, well that’s not true. I do think we have pretty good communication and like support for each other mostly.. I mean compared to my other relationships this is easily the most stable and caring and supportive which is why I’m still in it—- but the attraction isn’t there and hasn’t been since that said they don’t fuck. And I honestly think because I’m the only person they’ve been with and they haven’t been with other ppl they truly don’t know how dysfunctional our sex life is. They don’t know that they shouldn’t be tolerating me having little interest in fucking them. They deserve to be with someone who can’t resist touching them and who never puts doubt in their mind about whether or not they find them hot. Like I’m realizing because I’m the only person they’ve been with they can’t see these things like how I didn’t understand in my first relationship why they thought the sex was bad and now I get it. I wasn’t enthusiastic to fuck them either cuz I thought they were mid and they fucked a lot of ppl though and they were mad because they know there are ppl who wanna fuck them bad and i wasn’t one of them. But I had never been with anyone and thought the amount I liked them and wanted to be with them was enough but it wasn’t. I just really wanted to be in a relationship so bad and that is still true today.

I just been thinking about lately how like I am not over my ex— it’s kinda crazy how long it took me to admit that to myself. Like I do think about them on nearly a daily basis. I’ve almost reached out to them on several occasions but has resisted the urge because I feel like it’s 100% cheating to do that and I don’t cheat. Like I don’t even wanna be with them again cuz they were super unstable and would get mad at me over nothing every other day and it was ruining my life but that sex tho. I just wanna be in their hoe-tation. I wanna have phone sex with them.. maybe video sex.. cuz god even the phone sex with them was soooooooo good fuck. Being with them made me feel sooo hot it rly did wonders for my confidence at the time. But anyways I keep thinking about how I jumped into this relationship with K***** because I didn’t wanna take an L with my ex and with my ex best friends. Im realizing it wasn’t just about my ex by also my ex bestie too. Like that’s why I stayed after they said they were ace ,, because they always said im a fuckboi and I could hear her voice in my head mocking me and I wanted to prove that I wasn’t by continuing to be with someone who isn’t into fucking. I was using them to boost my ego and not be alone after ditching my ex and cutting them off with no communication abruptly ,, I wanted to be like bye and I have someone better.. and like I remember when they told me they were ace I was just so upset I’d spent months talking and building this person up in my head just to find out they are not what I am looking for I was so mad they didn’t tell me sooner. It just sucks because honestly having someone to chase and be with is better in my head then being alone and depressed and feeling ugly worthless and gay.. lol… but for real that’s why I always stay too is cuz I don’t wanna be single sooo bad that I’ll be in a mid relationship with mid sex.. but I just don’t want it. And now our lives are too inseparable. We share a car my mom bought. Like I would need to get a new car and move out and I would need a good amount of money to do it. So maybe this year I can build my savings and try. Or ask my mom for more money for a car to help. It sucks cuz yes I like hanging with them and stuff but I just wish we were best friends and not in a romantic/sexual relationship. I just don’t want this and I haven’t like the whole time. I just want to be having sex with someone that im deeply attracted to. Like we have zero sexual tension. I wanna make my partner cum. I haven’t made anyone cum in 3 years..

me, during episode 8: im still an aey apologist

me, seeing the last few minutes of episode 8 and the clip for next episode: 🙂 i hope to remain an aey apologist 🙂

alright. not to be whatever but day 1 of the retreat and i am completely fucking losing it but everything’s fine

S2 WISHFUL THINKING

hey hi hello! i haven’t really been active on tumblr but i wanted to get back into the swing of being active and posting often. so.

i decided i will take note of some of my predictions, hopes, wishes etc. for Season 2 of Rainbow High!

so i kinda wanna just cover the things we canonically have seen aka specific events and drama that has gotten introduced

- The New Roommates / Series 3 Girls

i feel like we will definitely see more of them within the coming episodes. rainbow high literally advertised the new teams as like… i think the second or third teaser for the new season

it’s interesting to me because. this makes me think of What The Runway Project is? what could it possibly be? i believe i made a post about this in the past but the main theory (and theory i believe the most in) would be a Stage Production of sorts. i mean… it makes sense!

the twins are both Performing Arts focus and are definitely the antags this season. so why wouldn’t they cause trouble in regard to a stage play? plus, bella is back. she’s literally a set designer! we have never seen her do any set designing (other than making a sketch) so it would be fun to see that! if river were to get more focus this season, he would definitely have an outlet to channel his Performing Arts creativity! plus… Daria is a song writer so like. imagine if we were to get music out of that? please. the possibilities are endless.

im also eager to see the series 3 girls dynamics. like are the rest of the girls (gabriella, georgia, emmy and daphne) all roomed together? do they get along? will they all be just as dramatic as stella, sheryl and daria’s dynamic?

but anyway. whatever the drama and the semester project is, the new teammates definitely seem to be playing a crucial role in this season.

- The Twins

i’m actually really eager to see more of them. i feel like not enough people are talking about them? season 2 is actually really interesting so far…. maybe more so than season 1… and i feel like we are going to have to thank the twins for that at some point lol

like. idek what they’re planning on doing but. i’m excited to see what it is! they’ll probably be involved in the semester project or at least causing problems to all of the roommates and teams. they’ll definitely have something going on with bella. and it seems that they have a good bond with karma (after the KWK we got). so maybe they’ll have input in any potential drama with Karma. which leads me to

- Karma VS. Violet

so. this drama has been teased at for like. ever. for what feels like forever.

this moment in Karma’s bio PLUS the commentary about violet from her and the twins in the recent KWK episode. but anyway. i’m actually super interested in whatever this drama could be??? like. why is karma watching.

we know violet adores karma, she really wants to have her in the vi life. so i’m sure she basically looks up to her! but like. will karma actually genuinely be nice with violet? keep a distance? make remarks like she did in her recent vlog? i don’t know. idk what to expect. of course it’ll have to do with vlogging or something.

- Bella

ok so there is a few things to note with bella. i’m still interested in if bella will accept to do an interview with Karma for her vlog? if so, i wonder how that would go. and i wonder how violet would feel about it. like the very last time bella was featured in vi’s vlog was on a bad note (even though they made up) but like. idk AAA

also i’m wondering how bella is gonna handle being back to rainbow high. because so far it seems she’s having trouble fitting in. will the key to her fitting in be Jade? will Jade help her figure everything out? or would it be someone else?

as much as i’d love Jade to be the reason Bella starts to feel more at home, i also love the other idea of Amaya being the reason bella feels comfortable again. Amaya was once the new girl (and of course in an awkward position because she was essentially a replacement for bella’s spot in the runway group) but. she didn’t fit in. she had to find her place at rainbow high… and it took her until the runway show to be able to truly feel comfortable.

and like. i’ve been rooting for bella/amaya dynamic for awhile now. i see a lot of potential in this duo. we know they somewhat have tension. i mean. bella had a really awkward confrontation with amaya and that was rly their first and last conversation. sure they’ve been around each other like in the music video, at the end of s1, and when bella walked into the girls dorm s2ep2 but like. that’s it.

SO ANYWAY. what i’m trying to get at is that these two definitely need to become friends. i mean. they have a LOT in common. i was talking about the new girl situation because i feel like they can relate in that way. they both had an awkward entrance into rainbow high and could bond over that. it took amaya awhile to feel at home at rainbow high… so maybe she could become friends with bella and help her feel at home! they’re both very determined leader types. they’re really passionate and! they have the same friend group! so why not become friends?

- Jade and Bella

of course i will wonder about these two! i have no clue what to expect with them. the fandom and myself are really really really wanting to see these two become a canon sapphic couple. i really want to see this happen! and mga knows this. mga knows we want to see jella happen. i mean, they literally snatched the ship name from us and plastered it into their vlogs. so they KNOW

anyway. these two are literally going through it rn. the way jade’s eyes lit up when she saw bella was back at rh. and now both of them are looking for each other and worried about each other. jade thinking bella is mad at her rn? please. i will sob. they are really holding off this jella reunion but i hope it’s for a good reason. i just want them to talk and have a good reunion… a hug……. happy tears, happy smiles…………..a love confession…

- Amaya

so i don’t really have much to say here but i’m just wondering about amaya this season. she’s definitely been advertised so much to the point that she essentially became like. THE main focus in season 1. this peeved some people but personally i loved amaya being like a sort of main character figure. she didn’t really take attention away from the other characters but also had that energy of being a main character anyway.

my point is, though, idk how she will play out in this season? like is she going to be as much of a main character as the main 6 are…. or will she play a bigger role? i have no clue. it seems bella is going to have a key focus this season, which makes sense, but it still just makes me wonder about amaya’s role this season

- Colin

i just hope this man does not get a development arc. i know some people want him to…. but i just. i don’t. i don’t understand. the point of him existing was to show that cheating is wrong and to display girl power. by teaching that skyler didn’t need a man to prove her worth. that she is her own person. her own strength! i really hope that colin and bella don’t have anything omfg.

- Winter Break

i’m really. REALLY excited for the winter break arc. it’s about time we get to see some backgrounds outside of rainbow high! plus the animated tidbits of ruby, sky, and violet in their wb outfits in the wb commercial was everything.

i’m so excited to see their new hairstyles, to see them with their snow gear and more. omg. of course i think the twins will be involved in this arc someone. krystal briefly mentioned the twins’ family having a ski lodge. and then of course we see sunny with her skis so like. yea!! i just wonder how these episodes would play out. or episode. but anyway like… will they just vibe? or will there be a problem of sorts? if it’s winter break then it probably won’t tie into school or like projects or anything like that

- Kia Hart

i’m actually hoping kia gets some focus this season. like. what is she going to do? is she going to pair another couple together? (if so, please be jella. okay wait seriously what if she is the key to reuniting jade and bella together… anyway) i just hope to see more of her and possibly more of her and krystal together haha. but kia just vibes so far, it would be lovely to get more of her!

- The A’s

so ainsley is finally beginning to get some attention! i really hope we continue to get more of her as well as avery, and aidan of course! we did get a bunch of content of aidan but you can never have enough honestly.

but i just wonder about how the A’s will be this season. like will they do anything significant? are bella and avery going to remain close? what is going on!!!

- The Malibu Line

so we literally know nothing about this except

but i still wonder like. if we will get to see anything about it at any point during the web series. perhaps it would be more of a summer thing. but it definitely means something if Bella is in it! (also i’m just generally excited for her new doll. omfg.)

- The Rock Line

so we also know almost nothing about this except

saw someone discuss that the music being heard during s2ep2 could be in regards to the rock battle. honestly. what if this is some sort of project? battle of bands or something? that would be cool lol. anyway i’m intrigued for this line mainly because of all the clothing leaks we have been getting omg.

- The Slumber Party Line

we have known about this for a little while (with the theory of the baby blue girl being in it) but i’m just curious as to who the characters are and if they will be in the web series at all.

- Jett Dawson

okay so. this is a big one. jett being a collector doll, i feel like she’ll definitely play a crucial role in the series. so like. who will she be to the main characters? it says she’s generally nice. why was she giving that look to the girls after their runway performance? IDK! i have no clue what to expect with her. i feel like the expectations i had for amaya (before we knew anything about her) will be put into jett because. the vibes i got from amaya ever since we just had her doll… i am also kind of getting from jett. so i’m eager!

hey sorry if it comes off as weird, but i'm a bit desperate. i had a real bad time figuring out my identity growing up and for like, the past 4~5 years i've become really comfortable and happy whenever i referred and thought of myself as a gay nb trans man; i experience legit gender euphoria whenever ppl address or acknowledge me as such, and the most connection i feel is to gay/bi men/men-aligned ppl. that said, i've struggled with obsessive/intrusive thoughts since i'm like, 12~13 due to (1/?)

a phobia, and they often appeared when i was already feeling low/stressed/anxious over unrelated stuff. y'know when you're having a good time and suddenly your brain goes 'oh hey, remember that thing you have doubts about and makes you distressed? and you think it's not true? well, here it is again (: you're welcome!'. that's it.

so social isolation due to the pandemic has taken a toll on my mental health and recently i have been... struggling a lot not only with dysphoria (i was supposed to start hrt last year but it was postponed due to, well), but also with obtrusive/intrusive thoughts over 'how i'm faking it, i am actually a cis lesbian' (i never felt attracted truly to women, even tho i had kissed two before, and i am Positively attracted to men in a way i can only describe as 'gay').

it has gotten to a point where i cannot think about, y'know, woman characters from stuff i like that i feel like this is somehow a sign i'm actually a lesbian; i have been dreaming a lot of situations i'm either framed as a lesbian or a straight girl, i have been hyperaware of how cis ppl perceive me (pre-transition, as 'girl') and obsessing over little shit like, if women are looking at me in certain ways when i have to go out (sometimes even 'wishing' it, as if it wanting to 'prove' anything).

i feel...... exhausted, none of these make me feel good, all of this makes me feel distressed. i get dreadful when i take 'lol ur lesbian' results at stupid internet quizzes too. i feel like i cannot talk to anyone about it bc i feel like they're gonna try to feed me either 'internalized lesbophobia' or terf rhetoric, which is smth im v aware of, and part of the reason i've been obsessing over as well.

i had mild doubts about stuff before (like if i was rly a binary trans guy or nb, or if i was bisexual) but none was... like this, y'know.  i was also dumb and read a bbc article about detransitioning ppl which opened with 'studies say most trans ppl dont doubt' etc. featuring two cis lesbians that detransitioned after entering a relationship with one another. i feel rly rly rly dreadful i wish i could go back to feeling like myself (gay and guy) like i did before.

i'm sorry for the longest fucking ask btw, and also, tumblr hadnt let me send the rest for like, Hours, i'm deeply sorry

[Edited for formatting]

I think a lot of this is very normal, especially for transmascs.

We’re constantly fed this idea that we can’t really trust our own perception of reality, that we don’t know ourselves as well as others do, and that the things we believe about ourselves are temporary, silly, and “signs” of some deeper reality that someone else knows for us. It’s only natural that we’d internalize some of those feelings, and struggle to trust even the most irrefutable evidence of our own realities.

If it helps to have some tools in those moments, a couple of reminders:

Cis girls do not typically dread the idea of being girls. They might dread the social repercussions or expectations, they might hate girls who look/act in certain ways, but they do not typically hate that they are girls.

If you are feeling dread over the idea that you might be attracted to women, you probably aren’t! It’s good to work on feeling more at peace with the possibility, because orientation can be very fluid for some folks, and being ready to accept yourself if things change takes a lot of pressure off- but if you don’t want to be with women, you just literally do not have to be with women. For any reason. Even if you are “secretly” attracted to them, if you don’t want to be with them anyway, you simply do not have to be.

Trans people experience doubt. We experience it all the time. We experience it pretty much endlessly! Maybe there are trans folks who never, ever doubt their genders, and I’m very happy for them; but that’s the exception, not the rule, in my experience. This study talks about the steps toward trans self-acceptance, and finds each step is an ongoing process, and often a back-and-forth. It was very comforting for me to recognize the patterns & know I’m not alone.

The focus on AFAB detransitioners is driven by transandrophobia. Because saving the “poor little girls” is a compelling motivator in a misogynistic society. Most detransitioners are actually folks who were AMAB, and found the societal pressure and backlash was too overwhelming, or made things too unsafe, for them to carry on with their transitions. Most detransitioners, period, are people who had to stop because of safety issues, or lack of access to their transition needs.

It’s very normal to go through periods of high doubt, and periods of high self-assuredness. You may just have to ride this out; surround yourself with as much support and love as you can, remind yourself that those fears aren’t really based in reality, and be kind to yourself during this difficult time. Try to make choices that prioritize your mental and emotional health.

You will get through this period of doubt, and come back to finding love and joy in your identity again! It might just take a little time & patience.

(Also no worries over the sending confusion; Tumblr’s a lil broken sometimes, and it’s genuinely not even remotely an issue.)