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candied-cae · 2 years

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Hey y'all- lemme get a little honest about white privilege and ignorance for a second. We're talking about me in this case. Bc I wanna send a thank you to people I've seen on Twitter discussing the use of the 'nickname' Calico Jack uses for Edward in fanfics.

I've been working on a reunion fight between Stede and Ed for weeks now and in my first draft of it I wrote something like: "Ol' *Nickname*, really is an evil monster down to his evil heart, right?" being said by Ed to Stede.

The intention was to use this nickname as the painful characterization it was in the show as a point for Ed to push how he was feeling. That he felt like all the blame was being unfairly thrown his way, like Stede was looking him as nothing more than the monster everyone else has seen, like Stede was seeing the same racist caricature that so many have assumed was all there was to him.

I thought this reasoning to use to nickname as the slur it was, was enough to justify using it. But when I started seeing the discussion of it, I started to get worried. Most of the posts about the use of the name were to not include it as a nickname, as it isn't really one. To instead replace it with "Beardie" or other things in a context of friendliness. But I wasn't really using it that way, so I wasn't sure how the input applied to the scene I was writing... But I chose to err on the side of caution.

I've gone ahead and re-written the line as: "’The ol’ Demon really is rotten, all the way through his evil fucking bones right into his evil fucking heart’, right?" to just use a different nickname, though the passage loses as bit of the point I was going for...

But - as a white fic writer - my priority is not to be "making points" at the expense of my POC readers.

Just food for thought in case other fic writers run into this sort of question themselves. Lines can be rewritten, even if they don't work in the same way as you as originally wanted the dialogue to go. But POC people in fandom deal with enough racism as is, I do not want to pile onto it in making this space further unsafe for them to participate in.

Remember, education is a never ending endeavor. There are more than a few times when lack of education will fail you. Listen and adjust, it something we all need to keep working at because adding to the suffering of POC's for one's own self interest will never be the right way to go about things.

#Thanks for coming to my TedTalk-#Uh- yeah #Am currently working on said fic some more and as I workshop on edit the reunion fight I wanted to put together something about this #white people - we need to be more comfortable about admitting times where we've been confused and figured out what to do #It is not evil to run into a conflict and need to spend some time to understand how you should handle something #And I think a lot of white people who have the best intensions try to act like we never run into these moments #where we see discussion and don't want to clog it with our lack of understanding so we kind of wait for more interpretations #that's at least how it went for me in this case #as most of the discussions were surrounding leaving the slur out of friendly conversations in fic #but I was needing input on using it in a different context to acknowledge it was a bad name and have Ed acknowledge it too #But at the end of the day - as a white person - to use what IS in fact a slur just to fulfill my own ignorant first draft?#It is not worth it #Our Flag Means Death #Our Flag Means Death Spoilers #ofmd #Our Flag Means Death Fanfic #ofd fanfic #Stede Bonnet #Edward Teach #The Revenge #Gentleman Pirate #Blackbeard #blackbeard x stede #gentlebeard #blackbonnet #Stedward #stedebeard

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vaya-writes · 27 days

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I'm just gonna throw out scene & char development ideas! It's pretty lengthy so feel free to keep this in the askbox if you'd like! Sincerely apologize if it's too much.

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Maybe there's a scene where Reader has a conversation about their sex drive with the incubus (with whatever tone you'd want to handle it with), and we can learn what the incubus thinks about it through his thoughts if we're in his perspective, or expression and posture if the scene is through Reader's perspective.

the incubus could either be understanding of mc despite how much it starves him. Or fustrated, for reasons like MC being the person he found. Or any other feeling you choose!

Maybe one day Reader agrees to sex despite not being up to it. Out of obligation, fear of not being protected, or maybe they're acquaintances or friends at this point and they want him to be fed. At some point or at the end he notices. Halfway he could lie and say he's had enough or at the end, dote on Reader with tender aftercare.

Maybe Reader feels conflicted about the nature of their arrangement and takes steps to gain a sense of normalcy in the apocalypse. Like, idk, sleeping together, purely sleeping. Gift giving, joking, physical affections. Maybe both, or solely the Reader, teases the other with pet names. Maybe the incubus starts it himself- either because he catches on on Reader's behavior and/or internal conflict if they have any, or if he feels guilt, for lack of a better word, about what he requires out of the arrangement.

Maybe they see a human campsite/fortress and there's some conflict between our main characters and the campsite. They could see it on the horizon and have internal conflict about splitting up. I noticed it could be a crackfic, so once they discuss out loud and decide to stay together, the campsite/fortress catches aflame suddenly after an (accidental or not) explosion? Idk just wanted to throw out something stilly.

Joking aside maybe it doesn't explode, but they want to check it out for supplies. Maybe the campsite/fortress is off in some classical apocalyptic way, like they're a religious cult for a god or zombies in general (or they worship their turned leader and they have them tied to a throne). Or maybe they're just shockingly incompetent. Cue zombies!

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Stopping for now as I don't wanna clog up your inbox with more text than this. There aren't many stated ace characters in monster stories, especially with it being a plot point. And being ace myself im excited to see where it goes, and the first chapter and prologue are great in itself! I don't mean this as pressure to continue writing either, and I deeply apologize again if it comes off like that.

Hopefully these are helpful in some way. I hope you have a nice day/night!!

God I’m going feral for some of these.

I think Veron is going to have to rely on aftercare very much and will work that out soon. Like he might feel bad for doing this, but a guy has got to eat, and I can picture him feeling bad and doing everything he can to make it up to the reader when he feeds on them during low sex drive or sex averse days.

You got me hyped to explore a character with the same sex drive and tendencies as me, I’m glad people are keen to see something like this 💕💕💕

Also please clog my inbox I don’t get messages very often 😂 thinking I need to post a requests open. Especially when it comes to this story.

#vaya speaks #IAOF

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astro-rain · 3 years

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delicate; b.barnes

chapter nineteen - “tomorrow”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2.8k

synopsis: reader is faced with a very distressing ultimatum and has to deal with the consequences.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

authors note: omg pls listen to “water under the bridge” by adele after reading this it’s fits so well

Muted. She felt muted - but not necessarily in a bad way. Everything in her was dialed down and dulled. Over the last couple days, Y/N had toned down her emotions, feeling less. Call it a coping skill. Call it a stress response. Whatever. It wasn't like she was sad about it. In a way, in was comforting - not having some overwhelming internal angst.

It had been a week since that fight she and Bucky got into. The mature part of her was telling her to find him and talk it out like the adults they were. But here's the thing. Over time, before they even had the fight, the number of therapy sessions they were having was less frequent as his treatment was improving. The sessions were more intermittent now, and there wasn't one scheduled for a while. Until then, she felt no desire to talk to him.

Was she mad? Sad? She wasn't sure. She just avoided thinking of things that caused her a considerable amount of distress. At this particular moment in time, Bucky was one of those things. Ergo, she made a constant effort to ignore all thoughts of him.

Though, she somehow couldn't entirely ignore the ever present lack of... Bucky. She had gotten so used to having him close by, used to having someone to talk to, laugh with. His proximity had become a constant. A comfort. She refused to admit to herself that silence didn't feel like silence anymore; it just felt like the absence of his voice.

She found she needed to keep herself busy.

Bucky handled it a bit differently. He had lots of intense emotions but he didn't mute them, per say. He didn't ignore them. He felt them, he definitely felt them. He just kept them bottled up inside and talked about it to no one. It was a very strange change of routine. Whenever he had some sort of emotional turmoil, he would always go to her - therapy session or not - to vent, rant, ask for advice, or just talk through a stream of consciousness. Now he just had to sit with it.

He spent most of his time alone. He missed her.

"Hey Shuri," Y/N greeted as she entered the princess' lab.

"Hello," Shuri smiled. "Come sit."

This wasn't a routine visit. Shuri mentioned wanting to talk about something else this time. Something important. She was reminded of this when she walked in to find two Doras sitting with Shuri at a lab table.

"So," Shuri started, "The trigger word experiment. We're here to discuss safety and security."

Shit. That awful thing. It had slipped her mind these past couple days.

"Alright. What are we thinkin'?"

"Well, the Doras don't think it would be necessary to have two of them there with you, but if you would feel safer with two, then that's fine as well."

"I think one is fine. I trust your judgment," Y/N nodded to the Doras.

And I'm not afraid of Bucky, she thought but didn't say.

"We also have a special location to run the experiment," one of the Doras, Ayo, added. "Away from people and secluded in the case of an emergency."

"Okay. That sounds good."

"We understand Barnes is now equipped with the vibranium arm, yes?" Shuri asked.

"Yes, he is."

"Then you need to know something for the experiment."

Y/N's brows furrowed, confused. Was she missing something?

"There's sort of a fail safe built into the arm," Shuri began.

Fail safe?

"There are a series of pressure points when, if hit correctly, will disengage the arm. It will just drop to the ground. So if anything were to happen-"

"I'm sorry, what?"

The expression on Shuri's face changed immediately when she heard her partner's tone. Y/N looked bewildered and almost in disbelief.

"It's there as a precaution in case Barnes needs to be put in check."

Suddenly, every emotion she had been "muting" rushed back into her head. Every feeling for Bucky returned, as well as her compulsion to protect him.

"Building that into the arm shows a complete lack of trust."

"You know what HYDRA did. It's unpredictable, and I'm sorry but we just can't be sure."

"We need to be careful with this so it doesn't blow up in our faces," Ayo said.

"I understand having that precaution for this test, I do. But it isn't just this test. Given it was successful and everything worked out, he was supposed to keep the arm. Right?"

"Right."

"So we fix the HYDRA programming and he's free, but leave the 'fail safe' in so after all of this, he still has someone in control of him."

"The arm is a gift," Ayo stated. "He should be happy he has it at all."

"I understand that, and believe me, he is so grateful. But a gift is for someone else to keep and use as their own. How are we supposed to help him and work with him for months, building trust and aiding him in healing to just tarnish all of that with deception?"

"It's what's best for the protection of all."

"Even after the experiment if it's successful?" Y/N cried in disbelief. "I should say when it's successful. Shuri, I've been seeing his progress for months and working with you on his neurobiology data. Can't you tell how much skill has been put into this? It's us. It's going to work."

"Even still."

"I can't stand for that. I would understand if it was just for this test, but after? We haven't come this far just to not trust our own work and Bucky's deprogramming. He deserves to have someone on his side."

"I'm sorry, Y/N, but it's already been done. The arm is already built and being used."

"This is the plan," Ayo declared. "Either you are on board, or you are free to leave Wakanda. We can fly you out as soon as tomorrow morning."

"I can't knowingly be a part of this. It's wrong."

"As I said. Free to leave."

She refused to be a willing participant in perpetuating the loss of Bucky's autonomy. He's been through enough, had enough taken from him. She would not play a single role in taking more away.

"I guess I have to go then," she said, standing from her chair.

She couldn't believe the words coming from her own mouth.

Shuri sighed. "That's very unfortunate, my partner. I'm sorry we couldn't agree on this."

"I am, too. But please. Please consider what this will do to him. It's like saying 'even though we've all been working with you, we don't actually believe that you're not still a weapon.' What is he supposed to think of that?"

"Barnes isn't going to have to think anything about it..."

"...because he isn't going to know," Ayo finished the thought.

"No..."

"It's the way it has to be."

"No it's not."

"Y/N..."

She took a couple steps back, preparing to leave the room. "No, I'm sorry. I can't. He needs to know. I'm going to have to tell him."

"I'd advise against it if you care about your job," called an unfamiliar voice.

Y/N turned to the other Dora, whom she didn't know.

"What?"

"What would your employers think if they knew their doctor had certain... inappropriate relations with a patient? And a very infamous one at that."

She froze, face burning. Her stomach dropped and her breathing stopped dead.

Did they-? Who else-? How did they-? What did they-?

She couldn't form a single coherent thought.

"You are more than free to leave quietly, without any worries" said the Dora, "but if Barnes knows about this, you can be sure that the rest of the world will know about you and your... relations."

It was then when she could feel almost every piece of her world come crashing down. She could feel every test she took, every research project she was a part of, every hour she spent studying for the career that took years to build. The thing she was most proud in this world, the part of herself she most loved. She felt the job she loved and all the things she had learned and accomplished begin to crumble around her.

This career... it was her life. It was her passion. It was all she had. Now she was in immediate danger of losing it. All she could process was fear; she shut down.

Finally, she managed words.

"Okay," she conceded, her defeated voice barely above a whisper. "I'll go... quietly. I'm sorry."

With that, she turned around and took the remaining steps out of the now silent room.

- - -

When she was in the hallway, she felt like she was dying. The guilt was overwhelming. How could she betray him like this? She tried to fight for Bucky to get the truth and now she has to hide it from him and leave him. She has to lie to him.

Y/N was still in shock, completely immersed in her own fear. It felt as if she wasn't in her body. She knew she was moving - walking down the hallway. But her body was just on autopilot; she was gone.

She couldn't tell if she was crying but she could feel a twinging in her eyes and a burning in her nose. She was also hardly breathing so if she was crying, it was nearly silent.

In a faraway echo, she thought she heard her own footsteps. She wasn't sure where they were taking her, but she wasn't sure if she cared.

She walked, and she kept on walking for a long time. She could feel the ache in her feet once she sat down in front of the water. She hadn't planned to go to the waterfall - that waterfall... their waterfall. It just sort of happened. Perhaps it was a long enough distance away to feel safe.

She finally let herself think for a moment.

What the fuck had just happened? Her exact fears had come to be. Somehow, someone saw or figured out her and Bucky. It felt worse than she thought it would. Exposed. Embarrassed. Guilty. Humiliated. Distressed.

It was numbing. So numbing that she stared at the little pool and let the white noise of the waterfall clog her ears until she was able to lose track of time.

She had no idea how long it had been when he approached her.

"Y/N!" Bucky's voice called as he jogged over after catching sight of her. "I've been looking for you! Can we please talk?"

His voice snapped her out of it, but her gaze remained fixed on the water in front of her. She wasn't sure what to do, how to engage with him; she froze.

When she didn't even turn her head, Bucky guessed she was still upset with him. He didn't want to be a bother, but he needed to talk to her. He sat down right next to her.

"Okay..." he started, carefully. "I know things aren't great between us right now, but-"

She turned her head to him and the words died in his throat when he saw her face: bloodshot, puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. He forgot whatever he was going to say, cupping both sides of her face.

"Oh my god, what happened!? A-Are you alright?"

The cool metal of his hand on her cheek made her want to scream, reminding her of what she could not tell him. Reminding her of the searing guilt. Trembling hands reached up to touch his arms. And then he saw the quiver in her lip.

"Oh, honey," he cooed, worried. "Hey... Hey, talk to me. Talk to me, what's wrong?"

He was so concerned and so sweet even after they had a huge blowout. If possible, it made her feel even worse. She didn't deserve his kindness anymore. She just stared into him with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen.

Bucky had never seen her like this and he was scared. Was it because of him and their fight? He supposed so. What else could it have been?

"I'm so sorry, please don't cry," he caressed the back of her head with one hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of what I said, I was just mad. You were right. I feel awful, I had no idea it upset you this much."

Their fight was the very last thing on her mind. Looking back on it, it seemed like such a trivial thing compared to now. But he thought this was his fault. She wanted to break into a million tiny pieces and let the wind blow her away.

She shook her head. "Bucky, no. It's not that. It's not you."

He looked so confused. She felt so bad.

"Then what... what's wrong?"

"I'm leaving."

Bucky leaned back, perplexed, and his hands slid down to rest on her forearms. "Leaving? You're leaving Wakanda?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry."

"No, no, hey- You don't have to leave. We can figure something out. We were too risky, you were right. I understand that now. We don't have to do that anymore. We can make sure that we're always completely in private from here on out."

She shook her head, staring down at the grass below her. "I'm sorry, I can't... I can't do that. I have to leave."

She could barely look him in the face.

"You don't, it's okay," he implored. "I know it worried you, but it really only was Steve. And I know, I know it could have been anyone and I get that. I thought about it, and I get it. We don't ever have to... sleep together... again. We won't be distracted, and-and we'll be careful."

She clenched her eyes shut, trying not to let her burning eyes release more tears. It didn't work.

"Bucky..."

"Baby doll please," his voice cracked while he tipped her chin up to meet her eyes again. "We can just-... we can just go back to the way it was before. In the very beginning. We can- we'll only see each other in sessions, we don't-... No more lake trips or all-nighters or anything just-"

He sharply inhaled, beginning to ramble as his breath became unsteady.

His voice shook just slightly. "You can barely even talk to me if you don't want to- just please don't go..."

She thought a part of her cracked and died at that moment. She sprung forward and held him as tight as she could. Instinctively one of Bucky's arms was around her back and the other cradled the back of her head.

She thought maybe if she held tight enough, she could keep them together and she wouldn't have to leave him there alone. Of course he would be fine, but he would spend the rest of his time feeling like it was his fault that she had gone.

She couldn't let him think this was his fault.

"Buck, I don't wanna leave you. But I have to do what's best for the both of us. You'll be just fine without me. I promise."

He didn't think so.

"I'm putting your treatment and my career in jeopardy if I stay," she continued. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to either of us. I'm sorry if you hate this and I'm sorry if you hate me for doing it."

He mumbled something in the crook of her neck, but she couldn't hear it. She pulled back from the embrace.

"What?"

"I could never hate you."

Despite the fact that she was so internally distraught, despite what happened with Shuri and the Doras, with having to tell Bucky she was going to leave him, with having to watch him beg her to stay, despite the extreme dread and guilt within her, she still looked at him and felt so much love.

She was doing the very thing he feared and all he could do was care for her.

"God, I'm gonna miss you," she breathed before grasping his jaw, and pulling his head to hers.

Bucky tasted salt and he couldn't tell if it was his or her tears mixing into their lips.

As much as he wanted her to stay, he could sense how serious she was about this. He wouldn't be able to convince her to stay even if he tried. And he already did.

He could only soak up as much of her as he could before she left, and be with her until she had to go. He had no idea how much time he had. Wait-

"When are you leaving?" he broke the kiss as soon as the thought arose.

She was silent for a moment when another tear dripped down her face. "Tomorrow."

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