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hoodie-buck · 2 years

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it's the feeling of you that makes me feel safest

day 1: where have you been

rated g | 2.4k words| read on ao3

summary:

“Hi mads.”

“Hey, is everything ok? You’re up late.”

Oh sure, I just hate being alone, and I’m worried that something happened to Eddie, so I’m just sitting here spiraling, just your typical night.

“Yea, just-just can’t sleep. And I—wanted to hear your voice.”

I needed to hear your voice because you’re the only other person in the world who can calm me down and make me feel safe when the love of my life isn’t around.

He could almost feel Maddie’s smug smile through the phone, though she decided to give him a break, changing topics.

“Do you remember when you were about seven, I was sixteen, and I snuck you out to the movies to go see She’s All That?”

-or-

Buck has some late night conversations with Maddie and Eddie

——————————————————————————

Buck rolled over for what felt like the hundredth time, sighing heavily as he did so. The loft was too quiet, while his mind was anything but. He’d always had insomnia, though some nights seemed to be worse, and this was definitely one of those nights.

He’d been lying in bed tossing and turning for over an hour now, sleep nowhere in sight. He felt utterly restless, though he couldn’t get himself to move from the bed. The clock told him that Eddie still had at least another hour on shift, depending how things went; their shifts were never set in stone. Buck desperately wanted to hear his voice, needed his boyfriend by his side. Something about Eddie always grounded him.

They’d been together for a few months now, both of them taking some time to be single and work on themselves first. It was a process of course, both of them still attending therapy regularly. Things had become less tense as of late, the two of them getting through the days with a little more ease.

Most nights were spent at the Diaz house, though they would stay at Buck’s loft every now and again whenever Chris was at a sleepover, tonight being one of those nights. He knew Eddie wouldn’t be home until late, or really early depending on how you looked at it, but the waiting never got any easier; he hated when they worked opposite shifts. In hindsight, he should’ve just told Eddie he’d meet at his house, but Buck didn’t want to overstay his welcome there. Sure, they were together now, having talked about the shooting a few times over, but Buck was still, well—Buck. His insecurities hadn’t suddenly gone away. Buck didn’t want to seem ‘too needy’, especially considering their relationship was still so new.

Buck knew that Eddie didn’t actually think that about him, but he’d heard those words too many times now for them not be engrained in his mind. Eddie had never said he minded Buck being in his space, but Buck didn’t want to push his luck.

He didn’t miss Taylor, had never wanted her to move in in the first place, though he couldn’t help but to miss the company. Not that she was home all that often, and when she was, she usually had her nose in some story. Even so, Buck reveled in the thought that he got to come home to someone every day, their things littered all about. Well, if he were being honest with himself, Eddie’s things were scattered all over his place, Chris’ too, Buck knowing he’d left his fair share of things at the Diaz’ over the years. Still, it wasn’t the same as having someone there permanently.

Opening his phone, Buck scrolled through various YouTube videos, moving onto TikTok, one of the videos inevitably leading him to his favorite web page, Wikipedia.

After scrolling through a few things, Buck couldn’t help but to pull up his message chain with Eddie, sending one of them off.

Buck: did you know that when cows are isolated from their companions, they get separation anxiety? 🐮

Buck didn’t mention that this was how he felt, though Eddie would probably read right through it anyway; he should’ve sent off the cute fact about seahorses.

When he didn’t hear from Eddie after a while, Buck found himself sulking once more, still unable to reach sleep. He had to remind himself that Eddie was busy with work and not stuck forty feet below earth, or laying in a pool of his own blood on the open street. Buck shivered for the thought. Therapy was helping yes, though it didn’t mean he never worried. Eddie was one of the most important people in his life; he hadn’t been ready to lose him either of those times, and he certainly wasn’t now.

He could call Chris, knew the kid would answer, though he didn’t want to upset him and make the kid wonder if something had happened—again. Bringing up his photos, Buck scrolled through them, smiling at all the memories. Most of them were of Chris and Eddie, Jee right up there with them. The three of them truly owned Buck’s whole heart, Maddie too.

Sitting up again, Buck opened up his second most used message chain, sending a text off to his sister, asking if she was at work; her reply came in the form of a phone call.

“Hi mads.”

“Hey, is everything ok? You’re up late.”

Oh sure, I just hate being alone, and I’m worried that something happened to Eddie, so I’m just sitting here spiraling, just your typical night.

“Yea, just-just can’t sleep. And I—wanted to hear your voice.”

I needed to hear your voice because you’re the only other person in the world who can calm me down and make me feel safe when the love of my life isn’t around.

He could almost feel Maddie’s smug smile through the phone, though she decided to give him a break, changing topics.

“Do you remember when you were about seven, I was sixteen, and I snuck you out to the movies to go see She’s All That?”

Buck chuckled just for the memory. “Yea Mads I remember. I’m pretty sure that movie was my sexual awakening because I couldn’t decide if Laney or Zack was prettier.” He’d thought they were both beautiful in their own way, and couldn’t understand why he had to pick one gender versus the other.

“Yes, I remember you begging for one of my Freddie Prinze Jr. posters after that, which of course I gave you because I’m the best big sister.”

Even though Maddie couldn’t see him, Buck rolled his eyes; he couldn’t disagree.

“Man, mom and dad were so pissed when I hung that on my wall.” Buck laughed it off as he always did, though he could tell how much it upset Maddie, even through the phone.

“Evan, you should’ve been able to put whoever you wanted on your walls. That’s what I told you, and mom and dad even back then. You’re allowed to be you and love whoever you want.”

“They would’ve hated anything I put on the walls. They were always trying to find a way to criticize me.”

“Evan.” Maddie drawled out his name, Buck finally sighing as he gave in.

“I know I’m allowed to love whoever I want, ok? I just, I wish they cared enough to understand that.”

Buck had never officially told his parents that he was bisexual, though he guessed they probably figured it out over the years when he came home from dates with both girls and boys dropping him off, most of them ending in some sort of kiss. He never bothered telling them because he figured they didn’t care, or would just tell him something hateful like, ‘it’s just a phase son.’

“Well, I just want you to know that I’m proud of you for always being you. You’re going to give me a hard attack one day with all your injuries, but I still love you.”

“I love you too Mads. Thanks for—just for loving me.”

He could almost feel Maddie’s smile radiating through the phone, tears no doubt lining her eyes, just as they were for Buck.

“So, tell me, are you waiting at yours or Eddie’s for him to come home?”

Was he that obvious? Probably.

“Mine, but I wished I’d gone to his.”

Maddie clicked away on her keyboard, Buck finding something about the sound soothing.

“And why is that?”

He let another sigh fall out as he rolled to his side, bringing the sleeve of his—well Eddie’s— hoodie up so he could inhale his favorite scent.

“I just—it doesn’t really feel like a home here, you know?”

“Because Taylor was there, or?”

If he was being honest with himself, he’d felt that way long before he’d asked her to move in.

“No? I mean that didn’t help I guess, but I’ve just never felt—comfortable here, like I belong.”

“And how do you feel at Eddie’s house?”

Words he’d said long ago echoed through his mind, Maddie probably remembering them too since she’d been the one he’d uttered them to.

‘This is Eddie’s house; I’m not really a guest.’

“Like I belong, like I just—fit. Is that…weird?”

“Not at all. It’s the same way I felt when I first moved into Chims. That big house I moved into when I first arrived always felt empty; there was no love inside of it.”

And yea, Buck thought he understood that perfectly; the Diaz house was full of nothing but love.

They talked for a while longer, Buck finally dozing off after a time, waking a tad groggily when he felt fingers brushing through his curls. He instantly recognized the touch, leaning into it as he reached up to grab Eddie at the wrist.

“Where have you been?”

He said it a tad more harshly than he’d meant, his current sleep state of mind taking over for him. Eddie only chuckled, bending down to place a kiss over his birthmark.

“I was at work baby, remember? Had a big accident at the end that kept me longer.”

Buck turned to his back so he could look up at Eddie who was hovered over him on his side of the bed.

“Well, I missed you,” Buck couldn’t help but to say, pouting out his lower lip.

Eddie raised his thumb to swipe over his pout, placing a kiss to it after.

“I missed you too. Were you feeling a little like the cows?”

Buck furrowed his brows for a moment before he remembered, groaning as he went to bury his face in his pillow, mumbling into it.

“I should’ve told you the stupid seahorse fact.”

Eddie laid down next to him, pulling Buck to him as he tucked in behind him, wrapping him up tight. “Well, how about you tell me now,” Eddie said as he linked their fingers together at Buck’s front.

“Just that, seahorse’s mate for life.”

Buck twisted in Eddie’s hold so he could face him, looking right into those deep browns of his.

“Yea,” Eddie asked, “how does that work?”

“Well, they meet early in the morning, there’s a whole ceremony, and they change colors and everything. It can last for up to an hour!”

Eddie used the back of his hand to brush over Buck’s face, causing his eyelids to flutter.

“You wanna talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

“Who said anything was bothering me?”

Eddie gave him a stern look, one that came with raised brows.

“Because I know you, and you only stay up late doing research binges when you can’t sleep.”

And well, that was fair.

“I just—I don’t like it here. I—it doesn’t feel like a home. I don’t think it ever did.”

Eddie studied him for a moment too long, Buck wondering if he’d revealed himself too much.

“Well, that’s good.”

“It uh, it is?”

Buck was so confused, though Eddie was smiling down to him, delighted as ever.

“It’s perfect, actually. You know the guy who helped me patch up my walls, you know the one who likes to fix things?”

The dopiest smile spread across Buck’s face as he answered Eddie.

“Yea I uh, I think I know him.”

“Good. Because I’ve been meaning to tell him that he should move in. Well, it’s my kid who’s been bugging about it really.”

They were both smiling so much that when Buck pulled Eddie to him, their teeth clanked together before their lips met, neither of them caring in the slightest.

“So, it’s just your kid who’s interested in him, huh?” Eddie shrugged around his hold, bringing his forehead down to rest against Bucks’. “Well as it turns out, I kind of love him too, have for a while now.”

“Y-you love me?”

Eddie reached to pull Buck onto his lap, looking to him wholly.

“Yes Evan, you’re it for me. I love you, even when you send me cheesy facts at one a.m. when you should be sleeping.”

Buck laughed into Eddie as he moved to lay on top of him, Eddie taking his weight on with ease.

“I save the best ones for you Eds, you know, because I love you and all.”

Eddie switched their positions then as he tackled Buck to the bed, hovering over him before pressing the tenderest of kisses to his lips, the desire slowly building between them.

It was a few weeks later when Buck was officially moved into the Diaz house, boxes of his things spread all about. As Buck dug through one box, he was suddenly backed into another, Eddie snaking his arms around him, those long of his fingers scratching at the back of Buck’s next.

“There’s one more thing, before we make if official, I mean.”

Buck couldn’t guess what he was hinting at; he’d had a key to Eddie’s house for years.

“Ok, and uh, what would that be?”

Eddie gave him a bit of a cheeky grin before bringing him in for a sweet kiss, lingering his lips there afterwards.

“Do you wanna be my seahorse?”

Buck couldn’t help but to get teary eyed, immediately nodding into Eddie.

“You guys are so weird.”

They both turned to see Chris watching them from the doorway of his room, scrunching up his nose in mock-disgust.

Eddie hugged him tighter, Buck answering for them both.

“Better get used to it bud. I’m here to stay.”

Chris only smiled, throwing out a few words before heading back into his room.

“Good. I don’t like when you leave.”

Yep, that was gonna do it.

His eyes watered once more, Buck sniffling as he went, Eddie not fairing much better.

“Better get it together before our kid see’s and chastises us again.”

The Diaz boys really knew how to make a guy emotional.

As he laid in bed that night, waiting for Eddie to get off shift, he didn’t feel so alone. Chris was just down the hall, the familiar hums and creaks of the house comforting Buck. The lingering scent of Eddie was all around him, wrapping him in a hug as if Eddie himself was there. Even tonight, when he wasn’t quite ready to sleep, he felt relaxed, knowing he was home.

Home wasn’t a place, but rather a feeling, Buck never feeling it more than when he was with Eddie, right where he belonged.

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#buckweek2022 #day 1 #where have you been?#evan buckley the loml <3 #buddie #buddie fic #buckley siblings #evan ‘buck’ buckley #eddie diaz #maddie buckley #established relationship #late night conversations #fluff #tenderness #bisexual buck my beloved #kel writes #read on ao3

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