i miss my cat

astarion, the man who was dying and offered eternal life, but had no idea that it meant becoming a slave to a sadistic master.

astarion, the man who had his freedom and bodily autonomy ripped away from him.

astarion, the man who was forced to befriend, seduce and sleep with people to lure them back to his master, resulting in severe sexual trauma and the struggle to form any sort of intimate relationship.

astarion, the man who was horribly punished whenever he refused his master’s orders (one punishment being sealed away in a dusty tomb, starving, for an entire year. he scratched his hands raw trying to carve his way out).

astarion, the man who was forced to eat rats.

astarion, the man who hasn’t even been able to see his own face since he turned.

astarion, the man who had his body mutilated as cazador carved scars onto his back, which he later found out was to bind him to a ritual.

astarion, the man who is so severely traumatised that he admitted he doesn’t know how to say “no” or ask for help (and he feels guilty when he does).

astarion, the man who waited two centuries to be helped and freed from torture, but no one came.

astarion, the man who was always treated like a monster when all he wanted was to be treated like a person.

astarion, the man who came up to you in the middle of the night just to thank you for defending him and allowing him to make his own decisions.

astarion, the man who said that no one ever looked out for him or showed him kindness, and that you’re the only one. “other people don’t have a heart like you. you’re you. no one is like that.”

astarion, the man who broke the cycle of power and terror that started centuries ago thanks to the love, care and compassion that you showed him when no one else did.

astarion, the man who confessed that he loves you and feels safe with you; something he has never felt with anyone before.

I'm sorry but lmk not being clear on what MK knows about monkey king is sooo frustrating. He's some how his biggest fan who knows so much until the story requires him to have never known anything and it's like... why did you set him up as a monkey king fan it then just decide "actually he doesn't know shit" bro grew up to adulthood hearing stories and somehow knows Jack shit about the guy he supposedly fanboys over.

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

Top 5 boys that make me go *points* he's just like me fr fr

Read one or two fics where they give Duke a personality treat Damian like a human being and stop sucking Tim’s dick for 5 seconds and everything else feels like forcing urself to eat normal food after tasting the fruits of the fae

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

i love people a lot me thinks. ramble in the tags time

I think the next time I go to my Dr I'll just write "Elher-danlos syndrome, ever heard of it you white-coated buffoon!? (or smth close)" right on my forehead bc I get so hesitant and go "mn, mayhaps, perhaps, i'm not sure, it's not just anxiety and more sports won't help?"

like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)

okay i admit i'm mildly intrigued by that ot3 reblog tagged with vhalphion (?) so would you elaborate? are vholran and alphen also involved with each other? is this just alphen->shionne<-vholran? how chaotic is this and how did it come to be? how did the others react? 🎤

Gah! The vholran/alphen/shionne stuff is mostly a meme to me!!!!!!

Unlesssssss……… 

So, in the context of that post, I think, in my mind, Alphen was the lamb, Vholran was the wolf and Shionne was the dog. So uh, yeah, basically, Vholran and Shionne fighting over Alphen ;o; (i must admit i love taking away agency from alphen. Not necessarily all of it. Just a little. From time to time. as a treat. sorry buddy ://)

 It miiiight also require a bit of tweaking Shionne’s characterization to make her into the “herding dog” archetype here but. I think she has it in her?? She was constantly looking out for him, right? At first to keep him in line and able to fight (the scene where she tries to slap him out of his grief comes to mind. That's her equivalent of nipping at the heels to keep the sheep going where it’s supposed to, probably.) and then it turned into something more but. IDK maybe we can make it a little possessive and toxic, for me. (also i gotta admit this just my preference for dom!shionne showing. what can i say.) And then Vholran, well. He’s Vhorlan. Obsessed with Alphen, wants to conquer and dominate and WIN. You know the dril. It kind of works, right?? So in that scenario, would there also be a kind of tension going on between Shionne and Vholran? M-maybe? It's still difficult for me to picture because Vholran doesn't seem to recognize Shionne as anything more than bait to get Alphen's attention. But she did shoot him in the face so there's probably also actual animosity going on. That's a starting point. If we can turn it around a little bit and get Vhorlan to view Shionne as a Challenging Opponent in the Alphen Contest (that's like the crown contest but you win alphen) worthy of his attention then we might be getting somewhere really really toxic and dangerous so i'm all for it!!!! they can talk in the shadows and point guns and blades at each other thats hot But yes it would be terrible, oh, i dare not think of the consequences any further!!!!!! As to how the others react? IDK they're supportive i'm sure (* ^ ω ^) (very concerned. but i guess the level of sheer Alarm depends on whether we're cramming this all into canon or if it's an AU.)

(BUT ALSO I’d be lying if I said I never entertained the idea of Modern AUs where Shionne and Alphen realize they are dating/used to date the Same Weird Dude. But I think it’s hard to imagine Shionne dating Vholran. Like if she were to do that then she probably has ulterior motives or is being pressured into it somehow (I think). Alphen on the other hand, I can see it happening? If Vhorlan just makes a teeny tiny effort to conceal the egomaniac murder frenzies, that is. True, he’s not exactly shown to be a master of deception in canon, but if he somehow gets it into his head that earning Alphen’s trust and then shattering it is the best way to utterly destroy him… he might just try to do that? Or maybe this is just me forcing Vholran into that Suave, Deceitful, Murderous Bisexual archetype for wish-fullfilment purposes. but thats another story)

today was exhausting - my friend was here for about 7 hours and I just. oh man I love her and all but it's just a lot sometimes. it's probably for the best that we only meet up like 2-4 times a year now (gives me enough time to forget how draining it is so I look forward to it, and recover afterwards)

I don't talk to anyone but my husband most days, and he doesn't really talk. so that's maybe 15 minutes total of talking. and today it was literally. 7 hours. no breaks except when we were eating (but no even then someone was always talking).

first of all ouch, it hurts (my voice is very hoarse now). and also. it's so so so draining. like. we really have nothing in common at this point. but she's my oldest friend and I do love her so it's tolerable... but just barely. these days there's way too much diet/food/weight loss talk, and also she seems to be getting into alternative medicine which I cannot fucking stand (it's one topic where I can't pretend or be nice about it either). lots and lots of very preachy vegan stuff too (I don't have any problems with it, I admire people who can do it, but fuck dude you know I eat meat and that I've said many times that I *can't* go vegan (I would starve. there's not enough foods that would be left. seriously.) and it feels pretty shitty to keep going on about it every damn time. I'm not sitting there trying to convince her that she should really be an atheist or something, because I know what her thoughts are about that and I respect it.

when she hangs out with her other friends a lot it's mostly just talking about all the issues that come from that (they fucking suck). I don't know, it kind of feels like I'm her therapist. when I talk about something I'm interested in she doesn't ask many questions and it kind of sucks. like, dude I don't care about your plants either, but I'm interested because you care, so. maybe try that too. would be nice!

It's weird that Claude’s the fave kid of his dad when a LOT of people in the fandom speculated El being her dad's favorite given her Goddess Tower event and how Ionius only mentions failing her (and not his 10 other kids who died during torture) during her coronation. Dragged by a horse for being bratty (or, "better," tied to a horse's saddle)... yeah that's how you treat your favored child. Right.

Just another thing from El that gets weirdly shoved onto Claude.

See, when it comes to Edelgard, I can definitely see the potential bias toward her. I don't think he didn't love his other children, and I don't think he was a good ruler by any means (there are a lot of analysis posts out there about his rule and how terrible he was so I won't go over that here lol), but he definitely seemed like a pretty decent father to me, at the least? Like, when Edelgard gets crowned he laments not being able to help her more and how her feelings are also his feelings, etc.

During that scene I really felt like he was genuinely affected by what happened to his daughter and I did feel like he was angry by his own powerlessness and not being able to save her when she needed him most. Regarding the other children, I think he just didn't mention failing them because he wasn't speaking to them directly, and I think it may have felt useless for him to mention the other kids because they're already gone, but Edelgard is right there in front of him. In that situation I can understand not wanting to bring up even worse feelings about all his other kids.

In contrast there's Claude, where we're outright told in Hopes that he's the "favorite", versus the speculation about Edelgard (which even if she's not the favorite I do think Ionius does love her and wants the best for her). The difference is that what we're shown from Ionius is an anger toward what happened to his daughter and what seems to be a very close bond. Claude basically says in his support with Byleth that he had to fend for himself as far as safety went. He even says "lucky me" sarcastically when he says he grew up to the very person his parents always wanted him to be, so he's obviously not happy about their hands off treatment.

If Claude is actually seriously the favorite child, it doesn't surprise me that the other siblings were trying to kill him, because I mean... if he did those things to Claude, which were practically torture (and shocked Hilda when Claude brought them up to her), I can only imagine how badly he treated his other children. It makes sense that his father would be more hands off as an Almyran, since they seem to appreciate strength and want their people to grow up being the strongest they can be, but there should really be a line with that where he gets involved, such as, you know, his child being targeted for assassination. Repeatedly. Regularly.

I can only imagine Claude grew up bratty because his parents were so hands off. They obviously didn't teach him all that much, weren't there for him that often, and he probably sought attention from them. It's honestly really sad to think about, that he was always trying to survive and knew his parents didn't want him to die and were the only people who truly loved him, but even those people wouldn't really pay attention to him the way a child of that age would desire. Children are often bratty and misbehave when they seek attention, even if it's negative attention. Even if it was basically torture, Claude probably just wanted his parents to pay attention to him.

It's not to say that he's definitely not the favorite, because he could still be... but to me that just reeks of terrible parenting. For all the bullshit people say about Faerghus' parents, they're much more loving toward their children than Claude's parents, and one of his parents is from Fodlan on top of that. Gilbert may have left his family, but it was out of shame as a knight and he didn't believe he deserved them. It was never out of disdain for them, to the point he wrote loads of letters to them that he never sent, and always made dolls out of habit because he used to do that for Annette when she was a little girl. Even post timeskip, he still makes dolls out of habit and even gave her one. To me, that isn't bad parenting. That's love for his child, even if he thinks he doesn't deserve her. Claude's parents? They probably didn't ever make him anything by hand! That's depressing to think about.

Based on Claude's supports with Byleth, Hilda and Marianne, it honestly sounds like he holds some kind of lowkey resentment for his parents' treatment of him. While I wouldn't say he outright hates his parents, I can only imagine that after coming to Fodlan and seeing the parents there that he felt pretty awful about how he was raised. Like, sure, he probably doesn't feel too fond of Erwin... but he also probably saw the bond between Erwin and Lorenz and how Erwin was planning to proudly pass his inheritance to Lorenz. He also met Lysithea, who is very close to her parents and even plans to renounce her nobility to live a happy, quiet life with them when the war is over. After losing all her siblings, she and her parents are very tight knit and just want to live together in peace.

Tbh if this was a real life situation, it'd be pretty horrifying to hear about. Just the idea that the only attention Claude could really get from his parents was punishment is just pretty gross. :/ Like, they won't give him the time of day so he acts up, and because he acted up because they won't pay attention to him, he gets punished for his actions that are likely based on them not being good parents.

My sister used to work at daycares and I can tell you with certainty from her stories that most children who act up are doing it because they don't get enough love and attention at home. First of all, they're at daycare, so they spend a good chunk of five days a week without their family with a bunch of strangers as a very young child. Some parents do have legitimate need of daycare, but my sister has also expressed that several times, she's seen parents who show up late to pick their kid(s) up and that those parents seem to also be the ones who don't show much interest in their kids and would probably drop them off on weekends too if they could. Unsurprisingly? Those are most often the kids who act up during the day.

Unfortunately this really sounds like the same thing Claude experienced. What little attention he could get was horrible, but he was so desperate for it that he did whatever he knew would get a reaction.

Also it's worth noting how different Dimitri and Claude's situations were with similar experiences. Dimitri mentions things like training in the mountains, and in Hopes he even mentions training underwater with full armor and seems to not want to talk about it (implying he doesn't like the memories associated with that training and that it still bothers him). Overall his training sounds harsh to begin with, forget knowing that it was done in a snowy land that was very cold, and sometimes extremely freezing in the winter. It wasn't always Lambert who sent him out on that kind of training, and other people such as Gilbert were allowed to put him through harsh training like that, but generally the reason Lambert would've allowed that is because it's just commonplace training in Faerghus.

In other words, Faerghus is used to harsh training and it's a part of their lifestyle. They go through similar things Claude went through, just in a snowy and cold land, but it's never done out of hatred for the people who get put through that training. It's very unfortunate that children in Faerghus go through that, but it's expected that they'll need to learn to survive the harshest conditions - especially nobility who may need to one day fight to defend their home in such harsh conditions. It's very sucky training, but it's understandable why they do it and it's not just a punishment. I'm sure they have similar punishments, but it's not specifically done as such. Since it's something most if not all the nobility goes through, it was never done to Dimitri as a punishment by Lambert.

Then you have Claude, who is going through this shit as a punishment and not even for training, as a child. It wasn't because he needed to be trained and ready for the harsh climate. It wasn't because he was a noble/royal who needed to be ready for the absolute worst potential of the climate. It wasn't done to make him strong. It was specifically done to punish his "bratty" behavior, which again... was almost definitely because he just wanted mom and dad to pick him up and tell him they loved him and maybe personally cook him his favorite dinner.

I know Hopes tried to be all like lolzies about the King of Almyra being half asleep when he signed the agreement, but I can't help really wanting to not like him. Tiana, too, has a fair share of responsibility for not stopping the treatment and/or engaging in it. For being from Fodlan, it doesn't sound like she ever behaved anything like any of Fodlan's parents. Again, even if some of the Fodlan parents are a bit misguided, most of them do love their child(ren). Even if they suck at showing it, there's no attempt at cruel punishments. Even if they're not a stand up person, they still love their child(ren).

For example, Ludwig is one of the worst leaders in Fodlan, but Ferdinand loves him. He idolized his father when he was growing up, and even though he knew the kind of man his father became as a leader, he was still very upset when his father was killed in Houses in Ferdinand's paralogue. Regardless of how awful Ludwig could be, as far as being a father was concerned, he was obviously a pretty decent parent to Ferdinand, because otherwise Ferdinand wouldn't have given a fuck that his cruel father was killed. Ferdinand knew he deserved it and was still upset by the loss, so obviously there was a familial connection there.

On the other hand, the only person who seems completely disconnected from his parents in every way is Claude. Ashe had an adoptive father who was wiling to kill him for his revenge for his biological son, and yet... we do know that previously he'd been a good father and man to Ashe and Ashe's siblings. We know Ashe adored and idolized him. There was still something there. Claude? His parents are still alive, he was the favorite child, they tried to "help" him survive by letting him fight his own battles... and he ran away. Without a word to his father who "favored" him. I'm not sure if Nader actually knew where he was at first or if he contacted him after the fact, but Nader was far more of a parent figure to Claude than either of his actual parents were.

Judith was close to Tiana and it seems like Claude at some point told his mother where he was going so that she could vouch for his identity and get him Judith's support, but I don't feel like he would've told her immediately before he actually left Almyra. I feel like he would've run away first, contacted her after and gave some indication for proof that it was actually him, and got her support in taking over for Riegan territory. Still though, the king didn't have any idea where he went, so whatever he told his mother, she also kept it a secret from the king.

While I don't feel like Tiana is anywhere near as bad as the king and while I do think she loved Claude to at least some degree, she definitely isn't good at parenting and probably didn't want to go against Almyran culture. Really though if that were me I would've taken my child and gone back to Fodlan if I saw the kid's father treating him like that. o.o

Still though, the king was a terrible parent and for being the favorite child, it doesn't even feel like the man loved his kid. If that is how he handled Claude, I can only guess how he treated his other kids if he even paid attention to them in the smallest fraction. Like, you ever wonder why Shahid ended up so terrible? Probably not hard to figure out lol. Dad sucks and mom probably wasn't much better if she liked that man enough to have a kid with him.

Tl;dr Claude sounds like he just wanted to experience affection and love from his parents, didn't get it, and grew up distanced from people and emotions because he knew nothing but people hating him and trying to kill him and his own parents wouldn't do much about it. Whenever he recalls his childhood he does not sound happy or fond of any bit of it.

also Main Character Guy just joined the army reserves and I'm not saying "I hope his bad behaviour gets beaten out of him" but. I hope being in a strict social environment helps curb some of his more....annoying and negligent behaviours.

please remember that zodiac signs are a specific belief and not a universal truth and there are many people out there who don't share that belief, even to the point of not even knowing what theirs would be if they did, so please keep that in mind when you make a uquiz and include a skip question option on zodiac questions so everyone can be included