Please someone stop me from shopping online. Please someone cancel my orders. Please ban me from all the online shopping sites.

Survey #378

“come as you are, as you were, as i want you to be”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.

So while everyone’s in a Stranger Things mood, I thought I’d share my personal headcanons of where the kids are going to end up in life (several of which have been made non-canon this season, but oh well). I was trying to work them into The Joyce Byers Home for Wayward Teenagers but they never quite fitted in.

Will doesn’t go to college, even though Joyce keeps saying they can afford it. (They can’t). He practices like crazy, and Jonathan puts him in contact with the art department at his college, and he puts together enough of a portfolio to start getting hired professionally, doing fantasy art for stuff like RPG rulebooks. He’s  one of the first artists working on magic the gathering for Wizards of the Coast, although he’s most proud of his contributions to the 6thE D&D rules. I think he’s going to be one of those people who gets really set into a routine the minute he gets a place of his own, and never ends up co-habiting with anyone. He probably does annual Desert Bus for Hope guest appearances.

Mike takes El ending their relationship hard. Of all of them, he’s been the closest to the upsidedown except for Will and El, and he has the least support network, since he wouldn’t know where to begin talking to his parents about any of this, and he hasn’t exactly been raised to be emotionally mature. He goes pretty far off the rails in college, drink, and then drugs that start out casual and get far too serious. Fortunately Nancy has had some therapy and decided that she’s going to step up where their parents have failed. She gets him cleaned up, gets him a job working with their dad in Hawkins where El and Dustin can keep an eye on him, and he finds that once he’s not so worried about being left behind all the time, he actually quite likes having a normal life. He’s godfather to two of Dustin’s kids, and while he resists dating for a long time, worried about how he’ll react, he does find someone in the end, and he’s exactly as sickening the second time around as he was the first, and his friends and family are all thrilled for him.

They all think everything the government did to do with the Gate was bullshit, but Lucas is the one of them who decides to do something about it. He gets a job at Town Hall, then an internship at the state senate. He falls in love with a brilliant driven woman. He’d never be able to pick one of the guys to be his best man, but that’s okay because he’d have picked Max anyway. He makes it to the House of Representatives by the time he’s 35, and he never gets asked at any point in his political career to okay any covert science operations, but there’s plenty of other things that need fixing. Erica and Dustin both have strong opinions on the state of education, especially in STEM, Jonathan Steve and Nancy have a whole lot to say about queer rights, and racism is everywhere, and sexism, and he can’t fix everything but by god is he going to try.

Dustin was totally going to be a science teacher, but then Steve beats him to it and he doesn’t want to seem like he’s copying. He gets a job at radioshack, which he’s sure is going to be a temporary position while he looks for the next big thing. 10 years later he’s now the manager of the exact same radioshack and none of his big things have gone anywhere, so he says fuck it and starts a computer repair business. Steve gets him to start a club for local kids, teaching them about radios and computers. That’s where he meets a single mom of three, and they hit it off right away. He takes to being a step-dad like a duck to water, and then he has a couple more of his own, and everyone gets used to seeing him with a toddler or two in tow at all times.

Max teaches herself to code, mostly because people keep telling her she can’t. She doesn’t go for a career - she’s happy to work a job that pays the bills with enough leftover for her hobbies. The game she makes in her spare time never hits minecraft popularity, but Will’s artwork helps plus the single coder passion project angle plays well enough to make it a bit of an indie darling, moreso when it gets out that she was the who made the ‘playable peach’ and ‘playable zelda’ mods that got super popular in the early days of homebrew console modding. She has a few boyfriends but they never really last, and she’s in her 40s when she meets the woman she eventually marries on a panel on woman in gaming.

El writes her autobiography, mostly just because it makes her feel better to have it all there in black and white, like a story. Like something that can’t hurt her. It’s Dustin who convinces her to try selling it. He and Mike help her edit out the incriminating bits, and it gets picked up pretty quickly. It’s never a huge hit, no movie or TV deals, and it doesn’t pay the bills, but she gets letters from little girls telling her how her story inspired them, and helped her be brave, and that’s worth far more than money.

Nancy spends a few years drifting, not really sure what she wants to do, before she finally admits that maybe she needs some therapy, and then she trains as a psychologist, specialising in young offenders because god knows where should would have ended up if she’d ever tried to tell anyone what happened to her. After her parents find out about Jonathan and Steve, she wants to get as far away from them as possible, and the boys are happy to follow her to New York. They get a crappy apartment with crappy neighbours and love really doesn’t make up for lack of sleep but they’re happy anyway.

Jonathan starts out doing newspaper photography, but after he gets to know some police officers through work he ends up training as a forensic photographer. He gets a reputation for being completely bullet-proof even by the standards of the NYPD. He does a couple of art exhibitions later in life and Steve and Nancy are super proud of him, but it never really goes anywhere, and he doesn’t mind.

Steve resists right up until the very last year of his degree, and then admits defeat and accepts that he was destined to be a teacher, probably middle school. He absolutely hates all the rules against being openly queer around kids, and threatens constantly to quit, but in the end he loves the kids way too much to ever do it.

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#1 intro

I had my first manic phase when I was studying physics. I suddenly felt no need for sleep, found myself speaking very fast (my friends noticed it) and then, I covered my whole whiteboard-closet with formulas and equations. 

I felt on top of the world when it happened, and I also experienced my first psychosis. I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I looked and thought “who the fuck is she??” I was seriously confused. I don’t know if it was the Gorilla Glue strain that I had or anything. I’m not sure, but what I know for sure was that it took me days to recognize myself again.  

My parents are in denial about my mental health issues. My dad, a boomer, repeatedly told me to stop taking my medications. My mom, whom I probably got the illness from, told me to start exercising and quit my medications too. She is not a boomer, but a part of Gen X. My dad pays for all my bills, my university fees and other stuff too. But he refuses to pay for my psychologist and psychiatrist visits. 

My father is a wealthy self-made man. He made his money from working in a prominent chemical company then becoming a director at Germany’s biggest oil company. He met my mom in 1995. He already had a family back then, with 4 kids and a beautiful German wife. He decided to cheat on her, dating my mom and eventually planned to have me. 

I was born in 1997. My mom, at the time, was around 30 or 31. My dad was 48. I was the firstborn out of all my cousins from my mom’s side. To this day, I am still not acquainted with any of my siblings or cousins from my dad’s side. I know their names, and what they do, etc. I have always wondered what life would be like if I knew them. 

I grew up neglected by my mother. She was obviously bipolar and had spending problems. I remember when I was in primary school, she would pick me up from school (a very rare occasion) and she would go to Citibank and withdraw large amounts of money. 

I was placed under the care of ‘maids’ most of the time. They were my primary caregivers, along with my grandfather from my mother’s side. I didn’t speak English when I was young so I couldn’t communicate with my father. Heck, I picked up Javanese because I was around my maids and drivers so much.

When I was 4, I saw my mom getting stabbed by her cousin in front of my very own eyes. My mom’s cousin had lost her husband to an accident and was super depressed. She decided that she wanted to kill herself and asked my mom to do the same thing together. I still remember that moment to this very day. I was drawing with my Crayola crayons in the living room, and I heard a big scream come out of my mom’s room. When I walked in to see what had happened, my mom was on the floor with blood sputtering out of her arm and she yelled: “CALL YOUR GRANDPA!”. Yes, because of this, I developed a phobia of blood. It’s real and very excruciatingly real to me. Weeks later after the event, my mom’s cousin impaled herself by jumping off the balcony to those sharp old-style gates. I remember feeling really bad for her kids as they were now orphans. This is one of those memories that give me an inkling that bipolar runs in my family. 

When I was 11, my mother left with my sister to live in Bali. She did this to bail her aunt (my great aunt) as she was a fugitive. I’m not sure what had happened, but what I know for sure is that it’s to do with their gambling problems. My mom had always gambled, and so did my great aunt. Something happened, and they had to leave. I was living with my grandpa, alone. My mom never sent us any money to live with. I remember eating rice and soy sauce from the Warung next door because we couldn’t afford anything. As with anyone who grew up in Jakarta knows that every weekend is ‘mall-time’ (spending time in the malls). I didn’t have any money or means to do such a ritual, so my grandpa decided to drop me off at my cousin’s house in a small village every weekend. 

I was the only white person in that village and was often a victim of bullying. Heck, I was the only white person in my whole school and I was bullied hella crazy because of it. Here’s the thing though, I didn’t realize that I was being bullied all the time. I was just (and still am) the kind of person that is oblivious to social situations. One of the people who bullied me very badly ended up becoming the first runner up for Miss Indonesia in 2013. Ironic, right?

Anyways, I begged my mom to take me to Bali with her as I couldn’t see any future staying in Jakarta. I begged both my parents so that I could be put in an international school where I could get proper education and English lessons so that I could speak with my dad and tell him how fucked my life is. 

The year was 2010, and I moved to Bali. I went to an okay international school and started learning to speak English with what little knowledge I had. Slowly but surely, I started to become fluent in it and I started communicating with my dad. I became very close to my dad, as I got to know his personality and he got to know mine. My relationship with my mom started becoming very sour at this point because I started to rebel and question her authority most of the time. 

- TO BE CONTINUED - 

TL;DR. I have a startup. Its currently producing revenue, however its deeply precarious. I am losing my mental health and don’t know what to do.Some background - I am being really cautious about the basic details because even this last week we had a handful of press articles come out about what we are doing. This is a throwaway account and I have changed a few details. Let me know if this is still too revealing.Three years ago I was working in sales for a tech company and I crushed my quota. I had enough of the 9-5 lifestyle. Bill Gates is also my entrepreneur hero mostly for his post career actions and I wanted that. Basically I saw the entrepreneur dream that a lot of people want.I started a niche location concept from the commissions. While it didn’t met any of the sales projections it quickly went to 12,000 a month. We got a bunch of news and tech press coverage. Reviews were great, but our location was poor. I made my first few critical mistakes. I had spectacular credit and I was a high earner (into the six figures) put about half the costs on credit cards (about 60k). I decided to quit my job after about 6 months in and took out more debt in the form of a business loan from a micro enterprise group (another 70k). They loved our application and funded us out of a big group, but did require that I personally guarantee it as well as find a cosigner because I had no regular income. My mom, bless her heart went ahead and cosigned. We opened up another location. That one was doing twice the sales per square foot. Within 6 months after opening a competitor saw what we were doing and they copied our concept down to the branding and prices. Retail landlords are also desperate right now (I have heard some in the industry describe them as sharks) and while we were temporary, our lease was supposed to go much further than that. The other group was willing to pay 4 times as much in rent and put it in their contract that we be kicked out of the mall as a condition of their opening their. Really scummy of everyone involved, but lesson learned. In a twist of karma fate, that other company just closed their doors early a few months ago probably due to the ludicrous rent they were paying.After that happened I put together a small team with a few engineers and we got into a prestigious accelerator which saved the company. I converted the business from an LLC to a Delware C corp, but I still owned like 80% of the stock since I was the only one to put funds in and have done most of the work. About two weeks after we got funding we got another shock: our first location was also forced to move by a much larger retail tenant. Luckily we were able to stay in the same complex this time, but had to move exact locations which burned through a lot of what we got from the accelerator. Lesson learned, we signed a longer lease to prevent it from happening again because this was twice already. However by this time I was thoroughly sick of retail and wanted to focus more on the global aspect and so we started a pivot to a global business.Additionally, a lot of the time I would have liked to spend talking to VC’s or angels instead I was doing painting or other things just to save money. We ran out of funds, but I was super determined to keep it going, so I laid of my staff and essentially moved into the location and kept it going through sheer will. I was one step above homeless, but I told myself it was the entrepreneur grind. I kept my living situation from most of the team. In the midst of the pivot I talked to our accelerator and while sympathetic, they told me to “just get out there and fucking sell”. I wish they would have helped with funds, but I understand accelerators don’t really act like that. The pivot we started took a bit longer than expected but out of desperation and need we crushed it and ended up getting a bunch of marketing contracts and our revenue tripled along with making global press.I emailed out our update to all of the VC groups and angels everyone we had been talking to, but by this time we got barely a peep back. According to the data, VC dollars in this niche space plunged by 90%. Much larger companies than mine are flaming out left and right. Its like an apocalypse. There are exceptions people point to, but in reality its pretty bleak. The industry could come back and I think it will, but market conditions are not good right now.Meanwhile doing this for three years my personal life has been a mess. I don’t see my family - for example I didn’t see my own brother who lives out of state for a couple of years. In the midst of the pivot my girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer. Initially the doctors thought it was really bad, but after chemo it went into partial remission. I have been working 70-80 a week for almost the past three years, and I gained a lot of weight due to the stress. I still haven’t missed a credit payment, but my car is on the verge of breaking down and I have totally skipped things like health insurance. I had to go without a medication I need for a chronic physical condition I had, and after 4 months without it I developed worse symptoms. Meanwhile the long grind really took a toll on the team. A crucial cofounder quit who we got along really well with (ironically to the same industry and he is now struggling more than when he was on the team). The two engineers, obviously seeing the signs of the industry and having much better opportunities both resigned. The IP is not salvagble without a lot more work on it.Between all of that and the industry I took a look at what I was doing and my state and decided to go back to work. I was able to get a job in sales again and my base is higher but I had worked so hard to get where I was at in terms of commissions, so I am making about half of what I was. Its enough to get me out of my business and I finally got a place of my own again and medication for my physical condition. However my business is now crazy. I had an assistant but that is no more. I am missing things like tax deadlines and we have a legal bill that is 2000 - hardly a deal, but when there is about 10k in the business bank account its hard to pay anything. I feel so much guilt. I am in the middle of training for new job and answering emails to who is left on my team and trying desperately to keep our marketing contracts afloat. During lunches and my commute I am taking meetings and trying to keep things normal and like everything is okay. Ironically due to our success we keep on getting more inbound interest and just landed the largest marketing contract we have so far and more profitable.My mental health is really taking a toll. About 8 years ago I went through a suicidal phase and through good therapy and learning good routines (exercise, etc) I was able to pull out of it. However, now all of those dark thoughts are returning again. I am having lots of insomnia, and due to my debt (I also owe a much smaller amount to family as well) I am terrified of what happens if my startup fails. At my age, I am beyond things like parental support, but my parents divorced long ago and my dad was homeless this last year. My mom is in a bad situation too financially and I don't want to make it worse. Every day is a constant struggle to even get out bed, and my anxiety is through the roof. I personally don’t have any money. I would like to go to therapy, but there is nothing left over in my budget till I make sales at my new job. I am having tremendous guilt over the marketing contracts we have - I know we could be doing a much better job, but there is physically no time left for me in the day. I work, then come home and work in the evenings. My work performance is also not great, and I am continually exhausted and worn out at my new job. I am not married and have no one else to rely on.I have run the numbers - the retail part seems steady and kindof takes care of itself with some occasionally stressful involvement on my end. Its paying all the debt. Now that my other co founder left, all of the business development falls to me. If even the retail space stays open (we have had some bad months in the past so I am nervous with such low cash reserves) it will cover all of my debt. With my income I can pay off most of the debt if I survive this year and things look much rosier with no debt and things will pay me as a lifestyle business. The marketing contract we just landed was with a major company in the space. But it's a whole year of this and my mental health is among the worst its ever been - I am having breakdowns a few times a week. More than anything I just want a vacation. I do have some good days and moments here and there.I would like just some general advice and help. Venting too I guess. A couple of other questions - has anyone survived a similar business situation? I know on the flipside that my business is already close to the edge. Shutting it down sometimes seems appealing, but then that debt would still fall on me. I am not familiar with the bankruptcy process, but from a few google searches it seems viable. I just can’t find anything on how it would impact our business (a Delaware C corp and I am own by far the largest stake). The debt too also falls all to me and to the old LLC or my personal credit cards. Knowing what I know now, I would never take this much risk again or do a startup this way. I wish I had started with stronger co founders for instance and with less debt). I beat myself up for all of my mistakes everyday and I know I have fucked things up and my life, but I have poured my heart and soul into the startup.

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E92tY9bY94)

"As the sun comes up, Deborah Jones takes a seat on the “throne” — a faded tapestry-covered bench supported by a scrolled metal frame and decorated on each corner with scruffy tassels lightly dusted by flecks of ash.

From her perch, she watches kindling ignite in the upright smoker. Then she shoves hickory logs into the firebox to create a combustible stew she stirs occasionally with a custom-made pitchfork.

True pitmasters: The Jones sisters are rare gems in man’s world https://www.kansascity.com/living/food-drink/article98604857.html

“I like that chair,” says one of Kansas City’s only female pitmasters, referring to the flea market find that was likely once part of a vanity set.

For more than three decades, the Jones sisters — Deborah and her sister Mary Jones Mosley — have devoted themselves to barbecue, working as professional pitmasters and owners of Jones Bar-B-Q. In its latest incarnation, the to-go-only spot has taken up residence in a former taco stand where customers step up to a window to place their orders.

Mary, whose family nickname is “Shorty,” calls out the order. Then Deborah, or “Little,” steps up on the firebox door and peers into the pit to ferret out the precise piece of meat required. With roasting pan in hand, Deborah pads back to the metal screen doors and into the kitchen. Together, she and Mary fix up a foam box and tie it up in a plastic grocery sack.

The outdoor smoker sits on a layer of bricks in the parking lot near Wild Woody’s Happy Foods West at 6706 Kaw Drive, in an industrial section of Kansas City, Kan., where freight trains from the tracks running parallel to Kansas 32 whistle loud enough to drown out conversations.

If a woman sitting on a throne in the middle of a parking lot tending fire isn’t enough to stop cars and trucks, the thick perfume of smoke wafting out of the smoker door serves as a word-of-nose advertisement.

“I can tell the barbecue is good by the way this place smells!” a middle-aged woman in a fluorescent yellow vest says while jumping back into a still-running car — sandwich in hand — to meet her next freight shipment.

“A lot of people think because we are women that we don’t have common sense,” Deborah says. But it’s clear her predominantly male customers — from construction and rail workers to truckers to police officers — believe in her barbecue sense.

— A family affair —

The Jones sisters have been around barbecue since they were old enough to stand on a milk crate and help crank out links of their family’s unwritten sausage recipe.

Their father, Leavy Jones Sr., who never made it past the seventh grade, was an electrician by day and learned the art of barbecue moonlighting at Hezekiah’s, an African-American-owned barbecue that once operated at 1805 N. 10th St. in Kansas City, Kan.

On weekends, the girls helped out at Hezekiah’s by washing dishes, wrapping sandwiches and running the cash register. But they didn’t work on weekdays because they had to get their homework done. Education was a priority: Seven of the eight Jones siblings went to college, and three brothers served in the military.

Leavy and his wife, Juanita, also sat the kids down every Sunday to talk about good manners, hygiene, sex education and the value of hard work.

“Daddy always said, ‘Nothing is free. If you ever get unemployed, you have to have other skills,’ ” Deborah recalls.

“We’ve all always worked, because nothing is free,” Mary echoes. “And if it is, you better question it.”

During college, Deborah worked summers at the Gates Bar-B-Q location down the road from Hezekiah’s. As adults, the sisters found themselves drawn back to the fire to help out their older brother Daniel, who, like their dad, worked at Hezekiah’s as a pitmaster and eventually bought the business.

Deborah was her brother’s designated backup. Soon after Daniel died, Mary joined her to run the business. They stayed on 10th Street from 1987 to 2003, then moved to 609 N. Sixth St. from 2005 to 2009. Mary began downsizing to a food cart on 12th Street for office workers and miscellaneous caterings in 2007.

Although deeply devoted to the art form, the Jones sisters have always treated barbecue as a backup: Deborah, 56, worked at the post office and Mary, 59, was a nurse. In the lull, Deborah dealt with health problems, including a heart condition that tires her easily. Mary retired to Topeka but soon got an offer to work at Reser’s Fine Foods, maker of specialty frozen foods, smoked meats and tubs of deli-style salads.

Last October, Deborah was itching to jump back into barbecue full time. She found the taco stand and, after spending most of her pit money on rewiring it to meet health and safety codes, she scrounged up an upright smoker at A-Lotta-Stuff, a thrift store a couple of hundred yards across the asphalt.

Although she is most comfortable cooking over a brick pit — Hezekiah’s had an impressive sunken pit dug into the ground — Deborah retrofitted the smoker to her specifications. “They each have their own personality,” she says. “I had to get used to the hot points and how to work the fire again.”

She put the bricks and drip pan on the right side, preferring to make her fire on the left. She also tore out the thermometers built into the door.

“They bother me,” she says.“We don’t use a thermometer. You should be able to look and know the meat is done.” In other words, a rack of ribs is done when it “flaps” but doesn’t quite fall off the bone.

— Nothing fancy —

The fare at Jones Bar-B-Q is not fancy: The ribs are untrimmed by today’s competition standards. The coarse-grind all-pork sausage is eyeballed for accuracy and hand-cranked and stuffed into natural casings that snap with each bite. The burnt ends are surprisingly fatty, charcoaled and chewy.

“Seasonings,” as opposed to trendy rubs, and an innate understanding of the “textures and smells” of the wood are what give the meat its down-home flavor. Their signature barbecue sauce is served liberally over the meat, unless a customer asks for it on the side.

Barbecue expert and soon-to-be American Royal Hall of Famer Ardie Davis affectionately labels the sisters’ style “old school”: “It isn’t fancy. It’s very simple and direct. The flavor is not oversmoked and (the meat) not so neatly trimmed you miss the fat.”

Unlike restaurateurs who display trophies and ribbons from competitive barbecue contests, the Jones sisters don’t have awards to show for their years in the trenches. Instead, Deborah’s prize is an intuitive sense for barbecue that borders on communion.

“Watch how focused my sister is when she turns that piece of meat,” Mary almost whispers one morning. “They’re communicating with each other. It’s accumulated knowledge. To make it as long as we have been doing this is not a joke. You have to be focused and want to do this. It’s an art. It’s hot. Time-consuming. You have to stay focused. You don’t wake up to be a pitmaster one day. This is years of hard work. You have to want this.”

The funny thing, Mary teases, is Deborah can’t be trusted to boil a hotdog.

“She does no cooking in the kitchen,” Mary says with a deep-throated laugh. “But now isn’t that funny! Take this right here — with more work and more heat — and she’s good at it. I love it, too, don’t get me wrong. But she’s obsessed with it.”

Mary also knows her way around a pit, but she is happy to be the exuberant cheerleader — taking orders, chatting up customers and making change. Her playful banter puts people at ease, and she aims to please.

“Mary is the only person I know who gets tips even when she’s not working,” Deborah says, shaking her head.

The sisters insist their success has to do with consistency and freshness. They buy their meats from Mies Wholesale Meats in North Kansas City. Deborah puts only a dozen or so rib tips, four racks of ribs and a couple of briskets and pork butts on the fire each day. If they sell out, she puts more meat on and tells the customer to come back in two hours.

“We have got a thing about freshness — and she’s got it bad,” says Mary, who helps out when she can but is no longer at the business on a daily basis. “You have to sit on the throne and play with this (fire) all day. It takes time if you want to do it right. We were never about the dollar bill. It was about pleasing the customer. That was my part, always the customer. My customers are everything to me.”

If there’s one signature item the Jones sisters continue to hang their hats on, it is their sausage. Michelle Briggs of Lenexa drives 20 minutes for some links on a sizzling July afternoon.

“It’s totally different than any other,” she says. “There’s a little spice and you can tell it’s homemade. I like the fact that when you cut it open it falls apart. You can put it on bread, or eat it as is.”

“I’m just crazy about the sausage,” echoes Gregory Ross of Kansas City, Kan. “It’s homemade, and I was raised up on it.” Although the new location “could be bigger,” he adds, “good things come in small places.”

— For the love of it —

In 2001, while Doug Worgul was researching his book “The Grand Barbecue” published by Kansas City Star Books, he happened to spy a hand-lettered sign for the original Jones Bar-B-Q.

“It was the jointiest joint I’ve ever been in,” says Worgul, who now works as the director of marketing for Joe’s KC. “There were a couple of folding tables like you’d find in a church fellowship hall. It was definitely the most handmade dining room you could ever imagine, but the food was good.”

Worgul dined three or four times before he introduced himself.

“He really put us on the the map, without us really knowing,” says Mary, who posed for a portrait with Deborah that closes out the book.

Worgul, who recently reconnected with Deborah after 15 years, says the sisters are the hardest working people he has ever met, and they represent an artisan approach that cannot be replicated in higher-volume barbecue restaurants.

“Our pitmasters are not pitmasters in the sense Deborah and Mary are,” Worgul says. “What our pitmasters do — which is critical to our operation — is really far less creative. Basically, they follow a procedure. It’s not mastering barbecue; it’s fulfilling that specific technique.”

Deborah’s daughter, Izora Thompson, a 22-year-old nursing student at the University of Missouri due to graduate in December, has been tapped to keep the family business going. Barbecue is definitely a family legacy she wants to continue, but she’s hoping to add a “fresh perspective.”

On her way back to college this semester, she asked her mother to make a barbecue burrito, wrapping bits of smoked sausage with beans, onions, green peppers and cheese in a tortilla. Her friends loved the results.

“I like the idea of our traditions, but I’d like to try some new flavorful dishes as well,” Izora says. “I would really like to branch out and do more with the business.”

Including bottling the barbecue sauce and figuring out a way to sell the sausage and beans at grocery stores.

“It would be nice to be in the grocery store,” Mary muses aloud, “but I guess we’re just old-fashioned, because it could never be just about the money.”

Indeed, for the Jones sisters, barbecue isn’t just a job; it is who they are.

“This is worse than a drug. It’s an addiction. It’s in your blood, and she’s really the junkie,” Mary says, eyeing her sister’s shabby-chic throne and letting out a sigh. “She breathes this, and loves it. She goes to sleep to get up for this. She doesn’t care about the money. This is her No. 1 spot.”

Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps. But something changed this time, and I thought it’s good to talk about travelling in its true unInstagrammable form. It started with missing my flight. You do not want to ever miss your flight, friend. If you are going somewhere in the evening, just make sure you are at JKIA by afternoon, honestly. I fought against my very instinct and ended up leaving way later and then not using the bypass. So once we were stuck in Upper Hill traffic, I knew we were done for and just pretty much gave up.

You will meet drivers who think they know Nairobi shortcuts, those that lead you straight into the bowels of the traffic glut itself claiming there is less traffic in the tiny roads. It is painful. And, I, for one, will never take a bodaboda from CBD to JKIA to beat time. I am not crazy and I love myself too much. To cut the long story short, we ended up at the gate right at the minute it closed. After confusing ourselves for another many minutes and taking the wrong escalators and turns. LOL. Also, I was not laughing that time.

We had to make very quick decisions and pay the penalty for the next flight out at midnight. Through it all, my colleague thought I was in denial. I was so collected – like, this happens to me all the time sister, relax. My dad called and suggested I ask where Miguna had been staying so I can spend the time there as well. SMH. I counted the notes at that customer service desk and it all felt so surreal. The total penalty was more than the original flight cost. But later on my colleague reminded me to count my blessings. It could always be worse. The price of a lesson learnt far outweighs the experience. We might not even have had that money in the first place and could have missed the next flight altogether. I was supposed to be mad at someone for this but I was not. Did I forget to mention the part where I left something in the Uber because of the rush? I had to smile at so many men to go backwards through departures to the starting point to meet the driver at the terminal. This involved leaving my passport behind too and coming back to an immigration guy who wanted to play with my head and freak me out by not giving it back immediately.

Not the perfect start to a travel story, right? Wrong. This is the real deal.

Entebbe. Until this trip happened, it had not hit me that Entebbe is the main airport in Uganda, even with the movies made about the hijacking in 1976. I always thought Kampala had another. It’s like JKIA being in Limuru. I am not even kidding you. It takes about 50 minutes to fly to Entebbe. So when you get your stamp and head out through security, you realize how small the place is compared to where you came from and that you are 40km away from your destination. Also, the cars here are slightly older than the ones you see in Nairobi, but it is another Toyota land. A lot of Ubers and Taxifys are Spacios, Ipsums, Raums and whatever other Toyota that is in this family of cars. The driver educated me a lot during that one hour trip in the middle of the night. Apparently Toyota Wish is now taking over the taxi industry and the people who run the country are about to pass a bill reducing the age of cars allowed into the country like us.

Petrol stations. They. Are. So. Many. The whole stretch from Entebbe to Kampala probably has a hundred petrol stations. Or more. Or I am just exaggerating. One person told me it’s because no one travels on full tank here, so they need to have filling stations everywhere when the inevitable happens. There is a good amount of road construction going on to fix the traffic situation this side, but because kids were on holiday, I did not get to see the famed traffic in action.

So we get to Kampala Boulevard, our home for the week and who welcomes us? A napping security guard. No surprise there. I announce our final destination and he offers to walk us up. I almost fall over when he gets up and turns around. A huge AK 47 is hanging from his shoulder across his back. I look at my colleague in disbelief and she gives me the you-ain’t-seen-nothing-yet look – she has travelled to Uganda a lot before. I will have to do further research into how much safer Uganda is with guns as compared to Kenya and our detectors that I have always doubted do much at all those entrances.

The suite is real nice with a great view of this side of the city. The buildings are not as high as Nairobi’s. It’s also not cold. The warmth that I experience the next couple of days just makes me want to stay longer. Even when it showers, the change in temperature is minimal.

Café Javas. My friends. Have you sampled CJ’s on Koinange Street yet? You know, the beautiful new restaurant that’s almost all glass with the most beautiful popping menus I have ever seen and equally good food and service? Well. You ain’t seen nothing yet until you go to one of CJ’s mothers in Kampala, Café Javas. And in case you did not know why it is CJ’s, the two had previously fought the trademark battle in court in Uganda when Java was seeking to register its trademark in the country. Java won and now has branches in Kampala. We already know Uganda is very agriculturally rich, right? I mean, we nearly wept on our way back to the airport looking at tomatoes the size of fists sitting pretty in the sun in various markets along Kampala-Entebbe Road. Meanwhile, we’re buying beat-up tomatoes like gold on this other side of Lake Victoria. Sigh.

Anyway, back to Café Javas. In addition to the huge servings you get, with additions that make you want to ululate in exhilaration like Njugush, it is still cheaper than its equivalent in Kenya. I literally camped here the whole week, despite how packed it could get. Juzi I got a milkshake from Java and I wanted to cry. I felt so cheated. It suddenly felt watery. The shakes at Cafe Javas are heavenly. Did I mention the Pina Coladas! (Without rum, of course.) I guess I will never look at anything food related the same way again after Uganda. LOL. It suddenly makes more sense why the British with all their resources insisted on cutting through thickets, man-eaters, tribes with different temperaments, mountains and rift valleys to get to Uganda, the Pearl of Africa. I cannot even begin to get jealous. Idi Amin really did some serious injustice to the country.

Museveni. My fellow Kenyans, I was mistaken about him. This president is brilliant, very sharp and focused for his age (73) and he does not read speeches. At least he did not read one here. We were at the Africa Blockchain Conference when I changed my mind. Let’s try to forget that our gadgets had to be taken away because he was in the building and focus on this: He was speaking about blockchain and cryptocurrencies from a very informed perspective, referring to handwritten notes he had been making throughout. Before he stood up to speak, the Bank of Uganda governor had read out a very scary speech which had me wondering why we were there in the first place. You know, the usual we will not entertain anything that is about crypto because it is scam. Enter the president. He urged the governor to be more inquisitive about such technologies – not to be dogmatic – and then broke down the blockchain concept in such an easy-to-understand way that I felt challenged. I have been doing everyone who has asked me about bitcoin and blockchain an injustice the past four years. I can now break it down in one simple sentence from the president: The blockchain is like a global organization/sacco in which people trust each other, put everything in public record books so that anyone anywhere can know how many bulls Museveni has in I-don’t-know-where. He spoke a lot of Baganda too, so 5% of the jokes were lost on that.

Allow me to digress a bit. For some strange reason the conference organizers chose to have scams over too, exhibiting and all that. And that is exactly who the Ugandan media chose to interview too. This beats the whole point of trying to educate people about the benefits of new technologies. Dear Ugandans, please stay away from OneLife/OneCoin and any other thing that cheats you out of your money. Seriously. Fight the urge to get easy money. I mean, even a simple Google search tells you what is a scam and what is not very easily. The funny thing is we keep telling people to stay away from these schemes, even in Kenya, but get-rich-quick schemes always have followers. And things always go south. End of digression.

At one point, we went to this French place in a very upmarket part of Kampala. Holy Crepe. From the moment we sat down, in addition to a beautiful view of the residential Kampala, all we saw were people jogging up and down the hill. At 5PM. I found that very strange. At another point, a friend took me to another hotel, Mestil Hotel & Residences. I would expect the prices to be off the roof, and again, I was shocked. A good meal here ranges from USh 28,000 USh to 35,000 UGX. Brethren, this is way under KSh 1000. Sijui nirudi Uganda?

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But on the other hand, that money is confusing. You have so many zeroes in your pocket, but you literally have very little money. It confused me the whole time I was trying to pay for some stuff. I had to keep reaching out to Google to help me convert to Kenya Shillings to see if I was being ripped off. Then every time you get into a taxi (apparently, they also refer to matatus as taxis), the driver will close the windows very fast and rhetorically ask if you want your phone to be snatched. Turns out this is the order of the day in Kampala. Nairobi you are not alone. I also gave up on Uber here and stuck to Taxify. For some reason the latter drivers have it together than their Uber counterparts.

Also, there is no way I am spending my life on bodas. Bodas are so part of the system, there is UberBoda. I had to get on bodas thrice that week. The first time, I felt like I was going to go nuts. I never touch the rider leave alone hold on to him, so I have to find something to grip behind me. And all along way, you see women sitting sideways on these things. I am like, are you kidding me? And helmets are not a thing here either. The second time was riding down to Owino market because everyone in Kenya could not shut up about that place. First of all, it’s not all that but clothing is actually pretty cheap. Everything is under 1000 bob. No one has a mirror or a fitting room when you try on stuff because apparently, they are all doing it wholesale. *Rolls eyes repeatedly* I did not spend too much time here, because we were running a tight schedule, but it reminded me of a lesser organized Eastleigh. And that is saying a lot because Eastleigh is NOT organized. Did I mention the seller dudes who grab your arms and not let go like they are your boyfriends? That annoyed me bigtime. Hata afadhali makanga wa Kenya sasa. Also, people in the market try to speak some Swahili unlike everyone else Kampala. Or probably these are just the same Kenyans we know here.

I might keep going on and on – the little bit of Uganda I experienced felt so different yet so much like home – so let me stop. And I bet I only caught a glimpse – I have not done the city any writing justice. Yet. You can only learn and see so much in a few days.

Road trip to Jinja, anyone? I am ready to see more of Uganda. 🙂

Kampala Goodness Someone keeps saying I should do more travel pieces, but I keep fighting it, in the spirit of keeping things under wraps.

Day 27 I guess

         Jesus Christ almighty, I have been absent from this for quite some time. So big change. I moved into an apartment. My parents started acting a lot nicer than before I blew a bunch of money trying to help get me on my feet. I really appreciate them. I still can’t forgive my Dad for everything he did nor can I fully forgive my mom at this time, but i’m more confident that some day in the future we’ll be able to mend our relationship/they’ll apologize for everything they did wrong. It’s hard to be totally mad at people when they have the ability to drop you out of their life but they still want you around. Though keeping people around doesn’t necessarily mean someone loves you in every case. Sometimes people keep others around for comfort, or to feel more powerful than the company they keep. Keeping people around can be self centered or even abusive depending on how some individuals treat people when they keep them around and how much they push to keep them. In the case of me and my parents I think they’re genuinely having a hard time letting me go but also recognize we all need space. It’s sort of a mature “ending” to all the crazy, it was what I was hoping for. Even though they can’t see this, Thank you guys for helping me out when you didn’t have to, it means a lot.                So me and my Dad went to move the stuff in a little over a week ago, and let me tell you, being on testosterone blockers with nothing to replace a body’s natural testosterone eventually can lead to severe weakness and fatiuge. Lifting a mattress pad, a mattress, dressers, a desk, two shelves and a soga with just my Dad did quite the number on my wet noodle arms. They’ve been hurting and feeling weaker every day, it’s quite exhausting. Good news is, I talk to my psychiatrist and she said after the next appointment if things seem to be going well and if the therapist is on board she’ll have me start estrogen. I basically told her I can’t knock the idea of hating and wanting to hurt my Dad, it’s just been breed into me, I have to accept it. We agreed that was okay as long as I didn’t act on it or were thinking about acting on my thoughts.                 Even if me and my Dad did make good someday, I still think those thoughts would be there to some degree just due to certain mental problems, which I won’t state here or anywhere (unless you’re a very close friend), at least not for the time being. Long story short, sometimes when a person gets hurt to the point of regressing a certain amount of pain, it comes in the form of bad day dreams, and wanting to lash out in anger at any reminder of past events or potential future confrontations. You can draw the lines on what’s going on in my head accordingly. I’m my own worst enemy, as am I my anxiety but only to keep myself safe.  But I digress.                So here’s the mostly good part. I got “my own” place, that I share with a female friend of mine who trusted me enough to move in with her. She doesn’t complain much at all, and neither do I. Were both really clean outside of our own rooms, we both help each other out, and we like the same shit. We live in a gated community outside a very bad area, but nevertheless nothing seems to go on within the gate, as said by reports of people living here that she’s friends with. This also including her best friend. The apartment itself is cozy and it’s REALLY NICE being able to sit around in panties. The only flaws with the apartment were/are the washer dryer and the internet connection. I couldn’t get the internet working for the entire time i’ve been here which means no tumblr blog. Well poop. Moving in was hard too due to the landlord having trouble with math on top of going through a bunch of 3rd parties to get shit situated but it’s working out. I’m REALLY broke due to having to fix things on my car and pay all the rent for this month (Well I paid it early but yeah).          Luckily food is relatively cheap, as are utilities (which are a flat rate except electricity). Gas is ungodly expensive due to the distance from work, but i’ll figure that out as it goes. The current game plan is take care of the rent and stuff early and worry about the little shit later. Parents wanted to get me on food stamps due to my lowish income but, I mean, hey i’ve paid for  2 1/2 weeks of groceries on like 20$ i’m pretty damn good at bargain shopping. Plus I don’t want to “take money” from other people/the government. Like not just the people earning more, but people paying taxes at a lower S.E.S. who may use food stamps themselves and have families. I don’t want to raise taxes even a little if it hurts people both rich and poor. I don’t like depending on people either though my Mom has mad that hard, after offering me a ton of small food items, and rinky’ dink’ house stuff (I swear she’s turning into a grandma).          So that’s kind of where I am now in short. I’ve been spending a ton of time cleaning stuff, working and paying bills and not having anything super fun to do. I’m getting old at the same time i’m trying to transition into a youthful maiden. Some type of poetic irony that is. Not to mention the effects of the T-blockers are getting heavier and bringing about a depression, so i’ve officially hit heavy adult feelings. 

Face Down

Summary: Hannah Sarina "Rina" Marsh is 19-years-old and trapped in Kona, Hawaii with her abusive and drug-addicted boyfriend, Angelo. To pay the bills, Rina works at the Kona Bar and Grill where she meets Dakota Chapman. Can Dakota help Rina escape?

Rated: R (for mentions of domestic violence)

Disclaimer: Human beings can't be bought or sold in the United States anymore... no matter what Trump wishes were true. That being said, I don't ‘own’ Dakota Chapman, I don't even know him. If anyone actually does know him, I have a baby sister that would kill for his phone number, and a friend who wants his dad’s! ;-)

Disclaimer II: The song Face Down is by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I make no claims of ownership.

Status: COMPLETE

“Are you going to even bother getting dressed today?” I couldn't stop the question from leaving my mouth.

My boyfriend, Angelo, was sitting on the futon in the living room of our tiny apartment wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and a white wife-beater. After our last fight, he had promised he would start looking for a job. He did NOT look ready to go job hunting.

“Bitch, what did you just say to me?” Angelo turned away from the TV to look at me and I got a good look at his eyes. Wonderful... his pupils were blown. He was fucked up already and it wasn't even eight in the morning yet.

“Nothing, babe,” I quickly shook my head. I didn't have anymore sick days left at work. I couldn't call out if Angelo went nuclear on me and left bruises in any noticeable places. I grabbed my apron off the coffee table before dropping a quick kiss on his cheek. “I'm working a double so I won't be home until nine.” I knew he wasn't paying attention to a word I said but at least later when he was pissed off that I was ‘late’ getting home I could honestly point out that I had told him.

“You're always here, first thing,” I couldn't help but smile at the curly-haired man with the nice, dimpled smile that was quickly becoming one of my regular customers at the Kona Bar and Grill.

“What can I say?” he smiled and shrugged. “The food's good and this place is on my way to work. I also kind of have a crush on one of the waitresses.”

I felt my face heat up and I knew that I was blushing. Angelo was the only guy that I had ever been with and I wasn't used to men flirting with me. I wasn't anything special to look at. I was tall and (in my opinion) too skinny. My hair was naturally so red that my fifth-grade teacher had bullied me into playing Annie in the school play. My eyes were your average, nothing-to-write-home-about brown. This was Hawaii. Guys went for the exotic-looking native girls, not the transplanted southern belle who couldn't shake off her North Carolina accent no matter how hard she tried.

“You know, I've never asked your name?” I changed the subject. I was genuinely curious. This was like the tenth time I'd waited on him and I had yet to learn it.

“Dakota Chapman,” he held out his hand.

“Hannah Marsh,” I extended my hand to him. “But most people call me Sarina or Rina.”

I was shocked as hell when instead of shaking my hand, he laid a quick, soft kiss on my knuckles.

Dakota and I were friendly from that day forward. He came in for breakfast and dinner every day that he worked and he always made sure to sit in my section. He quickly became one of my closest (only) friends. When he came in for dinner, he always came in at the end of my shift. This made it so that I could spend twenty or thirty minutes talking to him before I had to head home.

Dakota had a pretty interesting backstory. He had been born and raised on the islands and his parents had divorced when he was a little boy. He was close to both of his parents but he had a stepmother that he couldn't stand. He had a younger brother and a baby sister and he was the grandson of the famous Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman. Dakota had gone into the family business and worked as a bail enforcement agent. He didn't really have that big of a social life because, like me, he was quiet and a little bit introverted.

During our many shared conversations, I had opened myself up to him as well. I told him that I had been born and raised in Charlotte (Char-Town as I called it), North Carolina and that my mom had died of lupus complications when I was nine. I was estranged from my father and older sister, Esme. I stayed away from my father by choice. A womanizer, Esme and I had discovered that our dad had cheated on our mom when she was on her deathbed and neither one of us had spoken to him since. Esme, I was estranged from because she hadn't approved of my decision to drop out of UNC Charlotte to move to Hawaii with Angelo in my freshman year. She thought that I wouldn't go back to school and would end up stuck in a dead-end job with a deadbeat boyfriend. I was too proud to call her up and admit that she been right all along.

It was Saturday night and, as had become our routine, I had clocked out before joining Dakota in his usual booth to share a chocolate lava cake. I knew I was being way quieter than normal but I had had a rough twenty-four hours. Angelo was iced out of his mind the night before and had spent a good portion of the evening tossing me around like a ragdoll because I wouldn't give him any drug money. As I took a bite off my fork, I couldn't help but snort out a laugh at the irony of the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus song that began playing over the restaurant's sound system.

“Hey girl, you know you drive me crazy

One look puts the rhythm in my hand

Still, I'll never understand why you hang around

I see what's going down

Cover up with makeup in the mirror

Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again

You cry alone and then he swears he loves you...”

“Hannah... why do you stay with that dickhead?” Dakota's voice broke me out of my melancholy thoughts. “You deserve way better.”

“Why do you insist on calling me, Hannah?” I tried to steer the conversation away from Angelo. We'd already been over this before and we always ended up talking in circles. “My name's Sarina or Rina.”

“No, it's not,” Dakota shook his head. “Your name is Hannah. Sarina's your middle name and you only use it because Angelo says it sounds more exotic. I'm not Angelo, princess. I think you're pretty damn perfect just the way God and your mama made you.”

I didn't know what to say to that so I didn't say anything at all. I just continued to listen to the lyrics of the song playing.

“Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?

Well, I'll tell you, my friend,

One day this worlds got to end

As your lies crumble down,

A new life she has found

A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect

Every action in this world will bear a consequence

If you wait around forever you will surely drown

I see what's going down...”

That night, before we parted ways, I asked Dakota for his phone number and told him that he probably wouldn't be seeing me again for awhile. When I got home, Angelo was out on what I could only assume was another bender. I changed into a pair of sweats before grabbing my phone and making a long overdue phone call.

“Hunter residence.”

When I heard my brother-in-law Brett's cringe-worthy southern drawl it was like a blast from the past and I promptly burst out in tears.

“Kiddo, what's wrong?” Brett's voice was full of concern but I was crying too hard to explain. “Hold on, sweetpea, I'll get Esme.”

“Banana, what's the matter?” My big sister came on the line only a minute later. She was using my childhood nickname so I knew she was concerned.

I spent the next almost hour spilling my guts to Esme, sobbing pretty much the entire time. I told her about Angelo's drug use and how I worked double shifts six nights a week to pay the bills. I told her all about Angelo's habit of using me as a punching bag when he was high on ice. I told her about Dakota, the man who had become my best friend that I had fallen in love with. I told her that I knew he would help me if I asked but I didn't want to. I didn't want to start a relationship where Dakota had to be my White Knight and rescue me like I was some sort of damsel in distress.

“I'm booking you on the next flight home,” was all Esme had said when I finished speaking. “We'll get this fixed, Banana. I promise.”

As my plane departed the islands with Charlotte as its final destination (well, after two changeovers), I put on my headphones and pressed play on my Pandora app. I couldn't help but smirk at the song that started playing. The lyrics had taken on a whole new meaning.

“Do you feel like a man when you push her around?

Do you feel better now, as she falls to the ground?

Well, I'll tell you, my friend,

One day this worlds got to end

As your lies crumble down,

A new life she has found

Face down in the dirt,

She said, “This doesn't hurt.”

She said, “I finally had enough!”

Going home to Charlotte turned out to be the smartest thing I ever did in my life. I spent time with Esme and her two daughters, Breanna and Carmen. To save up some money, I worked at Brett's computer repair shop during the week. I fell easily back into the routine of southern life. A nine to five job, church on Wednesday nights and Sunday mornings, and watching Breanna and Carmen chase fireflies in the evening did wonders to help heal my soul and my mind. I would miss this way of life when I returned to the islands. Oh, I was going back alright. I had just been accepted at the University of Hawaii and would return to Kona in a little over a month's time. I had taken out a restraining order on Angelo and Esme and Brett were floating me an advance on the trust fund left to me by my late mother (I wouldn't have access to it until I was thirty). My boss at the Kona Bar and Grill said that my old job was still waiting for me so supporting myself wouldn't be a problem. Brett had done some research and found an apartment for me in a gated community with good security. Living in Hawaii had always been my dream and I refused to let Angelo take that dream away from me. I also didn't want to give up on my relationship with Dakota. Even if all we ever were was friends, I knew that I wanted him in my life.

It was Sunday and I had just gotten back from church when I finally decided to call Dakota.

“Please, tell me that the Charlotte area code means that this is Hannah?” was the rather adorable way in which he answered the phone.

I giggled, “Yeah, it's me.”

I heard Dakota let out a breath. “You've had me so worried about you, princess.”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed to get away.” I proceeded to fill him in on everything that had happened since the last time we had seen one another.

“I'm proud of you, Hannah.” He actually was. I could hear the pride in his voice. “You got yourself out. You know you could have come to me for help, right, princess?”

“I know, Dakota,” I smiled. “But I wanted to do it on my own. I didn't want to make you have to rescue me.”

“You wouldn't have had to make me do anything. I would have done it because... you're incredibly special to me Hannah Sarina Marsh,” his tone became huskier.

“You're special to me too, Dakota,” I admitted in a voice so meek that I was surprised that it came out of me. “I just didn't want to start something with you while I was a still-attached damsel in distress,”

“Is that what this phone call is all about... starting something with me?”

“Yes? Maybe? If you want to?” Every word came out of my mouth in the form of a question and Dakota chuckled.

“This isn't about me and what I want, baby.” He had never called me that before and I got a warm pleasant feeling in my stomach. “This is your new life. It's up to you what role I play in it.”

“What if I want you to play the role of my boyfriend?” I got up the courage (from where I don't know) to ask.

“Then I'll be a very happy man Hannah.”

For the rest of the month, Dakota and I had stayed in touch via phone and Skype. When the time finally came to say goodbye to my family and hometown, I was sad to leave them behind but I was happy because I knew that Dakota would be waiting to pick me up at the airport when I landed in Hawaii.

Okay, I'll be the first to admit that I had a chick-flick moment when I found Dakota waiting for me at baggage claim holding a dozen red roses. I squealed and jumped into his arms, totally crushing the flowers. Yep, I could have passed for Meg Ryan. Luckily, Dakota didn't seem too bothered by my behavior. He just smiled before pulling me closer for a long kiss.

“Welcome home, princess,” Dakota pressed a kiss to my forehead when we parted.

My new apartment wouldn't be ready for another week so, in the meantime, I was staying with Dakota in his small, one-bedroom beachfront bungalow. After fixing ourselves a quick dinner, Dakota took me out to the beach to sit in the sand and watch the sunset.

I was sitting with my back against Dakota's chest while he had his arms wrapped around me. “It feels so good to have you here, baby.” He laid a kiss just below my ear. “This is where I've wanted you since the moment I met you... in my arms.” He moved lower and kissed my neck. “This past month, knowing that you were mine and not being able to touch you was pure torture. Promise me you won't leave me again, Hannah.” I could hear the genuine fear in his tone.

I turned so I could look him in the eye. “I'm not going anywhere... at least not without you. I promise.”

Dakota reached up and cupped my cheek, gently stroking my skin with the pad of his thumb. “I love you, Hannah Sarina.” He was the only person to call me Hannah except for Esme and, now, I was okay with it. To the rest of the world, I was Sarina. I was Hannah to Dakota because, like Esme, he knew the real me. The woman that the rest of the world would probably never get close enough to know.

“I love you too,” I leaned in for a kiss so he didn't see the tears in my eyes.

We made love for the first time that night and later, as I lay naked and sated in his arms, Dakota whispered one word, “Stay.”

“What?” I picked my head up off of his firm chest to look at him.

He sat up against the bamboo headboard and reached over to turn on the bedside lamp before turning to look at me. “Don't move into that apartment... stay here with me. It's closer to campus and sharing expenses would be cheaper on the both of us. Why pay for an apartment when I'm going to use every excuse in the book to make sure you're in my bed every night? That's just throwing money away princess.”

“You're serious?” I smiled as I got excited.

“Baby, I know what it's like to have you naked in my bed... did you really think I was going to let you leave?”

FIVE YEARS LATER

I had moved my things into Dakota's bungalow the very next morning and our relationship continued to progress at a rapid pace. The day after I moved in, I met his family for the first time. His mom, Maui, and dad, Leland, were cool as were his little brother and sister but I was never a very big fan of his gold-digging stepmother or the rest of the extended Chapmans save for his uncle, Duane Lee.

The month after I met the Chapmans, Dakota flew home to North Carolina with me to meet Esme, Brett, and my nieces. Esme and the girls loved Dakota right away. When Brett took Dakota to his favorite shooting range and he learned that Leland had taught his son how to shoot, he was sold on my choice of boyfriend.

By the time Christmas rolled around, I was feeling like life couldn't get any better. School was going great (I was majoring in education) and I was only working four days a week, singles (one shift only) because Dakota actually helped out with the bills. I was in love and in a healthy, adult relationship where I felt safe and wanted. Yep, I thought I couldn't get any happier but Dakota proved me wrong on Christmas Eve. He got down on one knee in front of my family and his and asked me to marry him. We got married the following spring on a plantation just outside of Charlotte.

“Princess, you ready to go? Everyone's waiting for us at my dad's place,” Dakota appeared in our bedroom doorway.

“Yeah, just help me zip up,” I turned my back to him. I was seven months pregnant and reaching behind me was damn near impossible.

“You know I prefer to help you out of your clothes, not into them.” Dakota laid a kiss on the nape of my neck as he zipped up the back of my dress.

“Yeah, well, we wouldn't be running late for my baby shower if it wasn't for your habit of helping me out of my clothes,” I joked.

In reality, after I graduated from school and completed my first year as a fifth-grade teacher, we had decided to try for a family. We had gotten lucky and I had gotten pregnant on the first try.

“Yeah... I'm never going to be sorry for not being able to keep my hands off my sexy wife.” Dakota spun me around before wrapping his arms around me the best he could given my condition. “I love you.” He laid a gentle kiss on my lips.

“I love you too,” I giggled before smacking his chest lightly. “Now, stop distracting me, we have to go. You know if your mom is left alone with Jamie for too long, bad things happen. We don't need to be bailing your mama out of jail for whoppin' your stepmom's ass at my baby shower.”

Dakota just laughed and shook his head as we headed out.

FINIS

MY WEBSITE

Clippers owner and former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer reveals how he became the world's happiest retired billionaire

Steve Ballmer, former CEO of Microsoft and owner of the LA Clippers, may be the happiest retired person in tech — or even the world.

He met Bill Gates in college and joined Microsoft as the 30th employee. Now, he lives an enviable (and well-deserved) life full of late morning rises, golf, yoga, sports games, philanthropy, meditation, and walks with his wife.

"What I found is I control my time, I can pick and choose what I do," Ballmer told Business Insider US Editor-in-Chief Alyson Shontell on her podcast, "Success! How I Did It."

At first, Ballmer tried to stay as busy as when he was Microsoft's CEO. Now he's found a slower pace is better.

"I had probably been retired about a year and then I said, 'This is nuts, I don't have to recreate the pace with which I used to work,'" Ballmer said. 

"I get up, I walk with my wife, I have a chance to reflect and meditate, work out. I usually don't get any place until about 10 in the morning ... Work some, hit some golf balls late in the afternoon. It's cool to be able to control my time and still be involved in fun and productive activities."

Ballmer bought the LA Clippers in 2014 after Donald Sterling was forced to offload the team following the public release of a racist recording. Ballmer is also involved in philanthropy with his wife, Connie, and they launched USAFacts.org, an initiative that shows how the government spends money on local, state, and federal levels. 

In the wide-ranging conversation, Ballmer and Shontell discussed:

What Ballmer's days are like now that he's retired

How Bill Gates recruited him to Microsoft as employee #30

What the day of Microsoft's IPO was like, and how he celebrated

How difficult it was to run Microsoft while Bill Gates was still around

What really happened during the infamous chair-throwing incident with the Google engineer

How he dealt with the rise of all the FANG stocks while he was at the helm of Microsoft

What it was like to leave Microsoft after so many years

How he bought the LA Clippers in the midst of the Donald Sterling controversy

Starting USAFacts.org to increase transparency about government spending

Ballmer's career advice for anyone who wants to become a Fortune 500 CEO

You can listen to the full interview here:

Subscribe to "Success! How I Did It" on Acast or iTunes. Check out previous episodes with:

Box founder and CEO Aaron Levie

Robinhood founder and CEO Vlad Tenev

ClassPass founder Payal Kadakia

DropBox founder and CEO Drew Houston

Following is a transcript of the podcast episode; it has been edited for clarity and length.

Becoming the happiest retired billionaire

Alyson Shontell: We're so happy to have you with us here, Steve.

Steve Ballmer: Thanks for having me — really appreciate it.

Shontell: The first thing I wanted to ask you about is my colleague Julie Bort recently sat down with you and she says you are the happiest retired person in tech. So tell me what it's like to be you right now. What are your days filled with?

Ballmer: The No. 1 thing I would say about retirement is you get to control your own time. I probably went into retirement maybe a little anxious, certainly not knowing what I was getting into. I didn't think about exactly what I was going to do until the day I walked out the door at Microsoft, and what I found is I control my time, I can pick and choose what I do, and I found three things that delight me in addition to just having a lot of fun, playing golf, doing yoga, stuff like that. But I'm also working on the Clippers. That's a serious investment of time. Part of that's going to games. I'm going to say it’s fun work, if you will.

I'm working on a project we call USA Facts, which is a project to pull together government numbers in a kind of 10K-like format to try to provide better integration of government data and better transparency. Then my wife and I have a philanthropic focus on kids in the US who are born into circumstances where they may not get a real shot at the American dream.

Shontell: I'm going to ask you about all of that, but first, let's go back into the very beginning. From what I understand, you were a pretty shy kid and you grew up in Michigan.

Ballmer: Yeah, I grew up in Detroit, and when I was 8 years old, my family moved to Belgium for three years, which actually was kind of a nutty thing back then. My dad was an immigrant, spoke a bunch of languages, so Ford sent him over there, but it was like being in an isolation chamber. You know, very little English TV, Europe was really still coming out of World War II, and it built a global perspective that I think was helpful. Grew up middle-class and then developed an interest in math and numbers, which has been a core strength, I would say, of mine since.

Meeting Bill Gates in college, and how Gates recruited Ballmer to Microsoft

Shontell: You were the Harvard basketball team's statistician, you beat Bill Gates at a math competition at Harvard, so I think a math whiz would be a justified term. So one person that you met when you were at Harvard is Bill Gates, who you would have a long career with. What were those early days with Bill like?

Ballmer: We met early sophomore year. We were living on the same floor in our dorm, and we had a mutual friend who lived in the middle. He said, "You guys are both crazy, unusual guys, you would enjoy each other." So he introduced us and we became good friends. That was the year he started Microsoft. It was a friendship from the start. Classes, math, economics, a lot of talk about business. Not that I knew a lot about it, but there was some mutual interest and then when he started Microsoft, he'd come back when he was gone and talk a little bit, be involved in some Harvard activities. I remember a long walk we had here in New York one time. We were way uptown, maybe in the Plaza, and we walked all the way downtown and back, and he was just telling me and explaining all about Microsoft and what was going on and some of the small things like managing the office and getting furniture, and I said, "Oh, you ought to hire somebody like my mom — that's kind of what my mom does at her business," and by the time I got hooked up at Microsoft, Bill had this great lady, Miriam Lubow, who did all that stuff. Those were fun times.

Shontell: You joined as employee number 30. What was your interview process like? Was there even an interview? Did you just call up Bill and say, "Hey, like can I come on full time?" How did it work?

Ballmer: Kind of the other way around. I worked a couple years at Procter and Gamble. Microsoft was going and then I was back at Stanford, at business school. The summer before, I went to business school, I had come up to Seattle to visit Bill when the business was in Albuquerque and I was at Procter and Gamble, so we had stayed in touch. I was getting probably April-ish of my first year in business school, and I was trying to decide between investment banking and consulting and I got a call from Bill and he said, "Hey, you know, we're kind of looking for a business person. Yeah I know you're in school, too bad you don't have a twin brother." Blah, blah, blah.

So then, it became clear to me what the hint was. I was supposed to take a trip back East to visit all these companies and I called him back the next day and said, "Hey, Bill, maybe I'd be interested." I flew through Seattle on the way back and nobody could believe it. But I decided to go and Bill and I had a deal. If things didn't work out, he'd fire me at the end of the summer or I could quit at the end of the summer. For the first month or so, I'd say we both wondered whether it might work. And then we hit a rhythm and quickly thereafter I bought a house and that now was 37 years ago, so a long time.

Early days at Microsoft as "Chief dishwasher" and an "office" that was Bill Gates' couch

Shontell: You made it long past that first month —

Ballmer: I did.

Shontell: Which is great to see. So remind us all what Microsoft was like in those days.

Ballmer: The year I arrived in June, and the last year for which we had filed taxes, was $2.5 million in revenue. Then the first year I was there, we got to $7.5 million in revenue. The company was already in hardware and software.

People focus on the software side, but we had a product called the Z-80 SoftCard, which plugged into an Apple II and made it into a CPM, which is an old operating-system machine. About 30 employees, kind of helter-skelter.

When I got there the first day, there was no office, no place to sit. And Bill said, "Oh, you can have this corner of my couch in my office." So we pushed some papers aside, and I sat down and sure enough my office was sitting on that couch until I could carve one out of the office going forward. I became the chief cook and bottle washer, I would say, accounting, HR, and pretty soon thereafter, some folks from IBM came to talk about what would become the first PC. Bill wanted somebody to sit in the room with him, I was probably the guy who could best wear a suit, so to speak. For IBMers, you needed to have suits, so I became also the IBM account manager pretty early in my stay.

Shontell: So a lot of different jobs. As any fast-growing startup, you wear a lot of different hats.

Ballmer: I think my title was assistant to the chairman or something like that.

Shontell: So assistant to the chairman to CEO. It’s a pretty incredible rise. What do you think are the most important things you did over your first decade there that set you up to become the eventual CEO?

Ballmer: You sort of glamorized my path. I kind of came in as a No. 2 guy. Bill Gates and Paul Allen were both founders, and there was a guy named Vern Raburn. I didn't ascend very far over time; I moved from No. 2 to the top job.

But the first 10 years, the two things I would probably highlight: One, I really set up the recruiting system, particularly college recruiting. The lifeblood of any tech organization is its talent. I'd say that was, to me, one of my pride and joys and very instrumental in the company's growth because we needed that huge influx of talent to drive our agenda and stay up with the industry.

The other thing which was a major focus and very important was managing the IBM relationship. That really got us into the operating-system business. That was the foundation on which we defined the PC business.

I'm going to give you two more. I ran the Windows development project. I got in and managed to get Windows into the market, which I say was a very important thing in the company's history. And we did go from a partnership when I joined, to a corporation, and the corporation had stock options, which was an important recruiting and attraction tool. At the time, the notion of giving out stock was there but certainly alien, particularly to these college recruits.

Shontell: So talk to me about the IPO day because I believe you owned about 8% of the company when it went public. What was that day like?

Ballmer: I don't really remember it terribly well. Two things I do remember about the day: We had moved into our new campus, I think the same day maybe, and one of the guys who had been with us — he actually predated me as a summer intern — was a friend of Bill's from high school. There was a sign he put up that was sort of neon-y that said it was IPO day, move into a new office day, I think, if I'm remembering this correctly, and maybe it was his birthday, maybe he didn't put it up but it was his birthday.

I remember that and I remember going out for drinks afterward with my then girlfriend and being slightly celebratory, and I don't remember anything else about it, frankly.

Bumping heads with Bill Gates and learning to be a CEO

Shontell: IPO day is not exit day necessarily. From a business perspective, business certainly goes on and then you've got a whole other suite of people to please with your public company.

I wanted to talk to you about your first few years as CEO. It seems like it was a little bit of a challenge because Gates had huge shoes to fill — it’s his company that he cofounded and he was still around. So what were those first years like really running the company?

Ballmer: I would say there were four things that were important or interesting.

No. 1: I did take over at the top of the dot-com bubble. Microsoft's market cap may now be where it was back then — the stock price is certainly over — but it's only in the last couple of years. So I took over at exactly the peak and it was really hard to show fine stock performance from there.

No. 2: We had to really resolve our issues with the Department of Justice and the EU. People forget that was a big issue at the time.

No. 3: I had not really run any product development except that small stint on Windows, and so building relationships and thinking about how I interact with the product development side, even with Bill as "chief software architect."

And then Bill and I had to go through a rough patch to figure out what it really meant that he had asked me to become CEO, but he wanted to stay around sort of working for me as "chief software architect." We got through what I've called the bumpiest period in about a year and a half, two years, but it was bumpy. But I don't think I felt really like CEO in full until Bill chose to leave the company in a full-time sense in 2008.

Shontell: And what were some of those bumpy things? Because I think I've seen you say you figured out eventually how to manage Bill or you're not quite sure if you ever really realized how to do it.

Ballmer: Well, I never really managed Bill. Forget the “figure out how to do it.” We changed the nature of our partnership and I think that was important, but it was still a partnership as opposed to my CEO-ship. When it came to technology judgments, Bill really drove that stuff, I would say. The bumps were: Nobody quite sure what it meant. You'd get in front of a team meeting — am I supposed to lead that meeting? Is Bill supposed to lead that meeting? Is he following my lead? Am I following his lead? That's a transition. When you're in a meeting, am I supposed to guide the meeting? Do I look like the final decision maker or not? We had to get through a lot of bumps like that; I had things I had to evolve, Bill had ways in which he needed to evolve.

The infamous chair-throwing incident that never happened

Shontell: And one thing you touched on is that you did become CEO right at the peak of the dot-com boom, and then the next 10 years were totally insane. All of the FANG stocks right now, you saw either launch or explode during those 10 years. Microsoft had been the main player and then all of a sudden there's all this competition. So what was it like watching Facebook rise, watching Apple kind of come from the ashes into dominance, Google come from obscurity and actually not even exist into full bloom?

Ballmer: At the time, each and every one of those things hurt me in the sense, "Oh, we should do this, we should have done that." In a way, that was the most naive view I had. There's no reason why one company should have every idea in every category. The world's not going to work like that. But that was my thought process at the time and I probably allowed myself and our company to get a little bit too diffuse in its thinking. But it did — oh — it wounded me. Facebook's not in the same business as Microsoft, not really. Apple, a little more competitive still. Google, more competitive still. Amazon, because of their AWS web services, more competitive still.

Shontell: So about Google, you're obviously a passionate person, which is great for rallying people up and getting them pumped. Sometimes, I'm sure, in management, you had to keep it in check a little bit. There was that famous story of your engineer leaving for Google. Can we talk about that chair incident? What happened that day?

Ballmer: Oh, it got overblown. Mark Lucovsky, who was the engineer, I had worked with for many years. I think the story was that I threw a chair, that's not right. I shook —

Shontell: So you never threw the chair?

Ballmer: No.

Shontell: Oh my god — OK we need to set history straight.

Ballmer: I kind of shook the back of the chair. I mean I shook one, I'll cop to that, so to speak. But I never threw a chair.

Shontell: OK, the legend goes that he told you he was leaving for Google and you were like "Ahh!" and threw a chair. No chair thrown?

Ballmer: I said, "Mark, come on, you should stay." And then I kind of rattled — "Come on, Mark." I was rattling the back of a chair — I didn't pick a chair up and throw it. I'm not even sure I'd have the strength to do that.

Shontell: Sounds like healthy passion then.

Ballmer: I think it was healthy passion.

What advice Steve Ballmer gave to his successor, Satya Nadella

Shontell: You've called Microsoft your fourth kid; you were breathing it for 34 years. What was the process like when you realized that your time there was coming to an end and that you were going to have to figure out what the next phase of your life was going to be?

Ballmer: OK, first let me say, winding up Microsoft was about Microsoft. Other than having a big sense that I'd like to own a sports team, I had no plan. I was really focused in on Microsoft. When you say the final time, I actually think of the period starting in 2008 when Bill stepped down.

My focus over that time was really getting us started in the cloud. We did and I'm highly pleased at the progress Microsoft's made. There's something I wish we'd started earlier or different. We started what's now our Azure effort. Probably would have done that slightly differently. What's now Office 365 was really moving. We really dove further into the hardware business. We doubled down on Xbox, we started our Surface product line — I think that's terribly important today to Microsoft's real presence with the consumer.

We wandered around still a little bit in Internet services, search being the focal point. But there was some wandering. We built, though, a good technology base, which the company is using today. Really it is the foundation for the AI pool, so I think we made great progress and moved in some important and interesting directions. I feel really good about that.

I also feel really good about the fact that my successor was somebody who worked for me. I had been out scouring for potential successors, talking to the top people at Amazon and Apple. When it came time to actually make the transition, the board knew about those candidates, and the best candidate was somebody, I had identified early and we had given good jobs and who's just an amazing talent and is doing a fantastic job.

Shontell: Tell me about the rise of Satya Nadella.

Ballmer: I remember going with him to Bentonville, to sell to Walmart, and that's really when I said, "God, this guy is very talented." I can't tell you exactly what year that would have been, but it was 14, 15, 16 years or something like that before he ascended to CEO status.

I just thought he was a really smart, really talented guy, and plucked him pretty soon after that to start running research and development in our business applications division, our dynamics product line. He did a great job, he moved into leadership for that whole business. We needed him on search, put him into the search business. He showed amazing maturity. Eventually gave him running our server and cloud business and he just kept doing great job, great job, great job, and boom, he's doing a great job now as CEO of Microsoft.

Shontell: What advice did you give him as he was going to be coming in as CEO of Microsoft?

Ballmer: He quotes this and I'm sure he's right: I said, "You've got to be bold, but you've got to be right." It turn out that being bold and being wrong may be the worst place to be. The most important thing in leadership is actually pointing people the right direction. If you should be zagging left and you send people down the right, that's the biggest failure a leader can make.

Finding a new identity after Microsoft ("The Good Wife is a good show!")

Shontell: What were those first few months like after you stepped down from being CEO of Microsoft? You seem to have binged a lot of "The Good Wife," and played a lot of golf, but what was that transition period like? And did you have to find your new identity? Because people's identity gets wrapped up in a business when you've been there so long.

Ballmer: Yeah, I had to find my new identity. I also had to find my new pace of life, frankly. Both of those things. I had actually done the binge-watching over Christmas, because we delayed the announcement of Satya as my successor, or delayed the selection, and I said, "I'm not going to start new projects when I'm going to get replaced in a few weeks we're going to announce them."

The binge-watching was kind of fun, though. “The Good Wife” is a good show. So I retire and then the question is, what do I do? I made a trip to New York fairly quickly. I met with the commissioner of the NFL and the commissioner of the NBA and said, "Hey, I'm interested in sports." I signed up pretty quickly to teach a class in the fall on leadership and value creation at the business school at Stanford.

And I was trying to keep busy. I'm glad I don't have as hectic a pace now, but that seemed to me to be the right thing to do. I was trying to be the best Microsoft shareholder. In a sense I was trying to track Microsoft almost as carefully as I tracked it when I was CEO, but I didn't have all the data. I was busy doing all of that and then come about April, my son called me on a Saturday morning and said, "Dad, this Clipper thing with Donald Sterling — that team's going to be available for sale."

Shontell: Smart son.

Ballmer: I had looked at the Milwaukee Bucks; they didn't want to sell to me. I had asked the commissioner who I should get to know. There was nothing that seemed like it was going to sell. The Sterling thing comes, my son gives me a call, and then that really gave me an outlet for the work.

Two other things got me going in that period of time: My wife said, "OK, it's time, dude. You’ve got to get involved in our philanthropic stuff." I wasn't sure I wanted to do that in retirement. Not that it's unimportant, but she was doing a fantastic job. She said, "No, no." I said, "If we just pay our taxes, we're going to help the old, the poor, the sick," because her focus had been child welfare and opportunity for children and she just growled and — not growled, she's a very nice lady but — "Come on, we can do better than that. You know, the government doesn't necessarily do all of that stuff and our money doesn't necessarily go there."

So I kind of said, "OK, well I'm going to dig into this and really have a conversation,” and what I found is it was very hard to find that data. That's what led to the USA Facts effort. It came from stimulation. Now it turns out what we've learned, my wife and I together, is philanthropy can be helpful, but it mostly is a change agent for government programs. No philanthropy is really going to solve the issues of providing opportunities to kids who are born in unfortunate circumstances. It's just not going to happen.

I also made a trip to DC. I'm not sure what I was thinking but I visited a bunch of politicians and I said I had had this conversation with my wife about, “Just pay your taxes and believe in the government to take care of this.” And these two guys looked at me and said, "You can do a lot better to help people than the government's going to do." And I was kind of taken aback. These are two US senators. Out of that, I dedicated myself to working with my wife on our philanthropic efforts and I understood that the point of the philanthropy is to work in partnership with government.

I had probably been retired about a year and then I said, "This is nuts, I don't have to recreate the pace with which I used to work." And that's where I sort of calmed down, managed my own time. I get up, I walk with my wife, I have a chance to reflect and meditate, work out. I usually don't get any place until about 10 in the morning unless I'm on the road here in New York or doing something like that. Work some, hit some golf balls late in the afternoon, it's cool to be able to control my time and still be involved in fun and productive activities.

How to buy an NBA team and beat out Oprah

Shontell: That's amazing. I'm so glad that you're enjoying yourself. It sounds like the life that all of us hope to eventually have. One of those steps that I wanted to talk about more in depth is the Clippers. It was not easy for you to own the team and, like you said, you met with the commissioners and they were like, "Eh, there's not much available." Then all of a sudden, this Donald Sterling scandal happens where there was this tape of him coming out saying these racist things and he got eventually pushed out and there was this opportunity to buy the Clippers but you were not the only bidder. Oprah was interested and Larry Ellison, the founder of Oracle was interested. What did you do to eventually be able to own the team? What were your negotiating tricks? I hear you buttered up Mrs. Sterling quite well. How did that work?

Ballmer: Well, it turned out the most difficult thing was actually figuring out how to get involved in the process. I didn't know Shelly Sterling, nobody was quite sure who was selling the business. I was talking to the commissioner, but things were very vague because, while they had banned Donald, Shelly and Donald hadn't stepped up to agree to sell the business and then she eventually gets involved. There was no obvious banker to talk to, but I knew Michael Eisner from Disney for a number of years and a lightbulb went off.

The Eisners have had season tickets to Clipper games for years, right next to the Sterlings. So Michael Eisner made an introduction for me to Shelly Sterling. He called me on a Saturday morning, 7 o’clock. He says, "Call Shelly Sterling right now at this number, she'll be available for your call." She said, "Well, what's your number?" Then she said, "Ah, it's OK, why don't you come see me?" So I went down, had a meeting with Shelly. I actually brought my brokerage statement, I never ended up showing her but a friend of mine had said, in some businesses, they want to see whether you can really afford the asset. I got through that without actually showing her the brokerage statement.

And then I met with her lawyer again later that evening and the process was really to try to ensure that I bid an appropriate amount of money. What I learned later, the fact that I was a sole bidder was of importance because her lawyers knew she was going to go through a set of legal wrangling with her husband over this, and they wanted a buyer who they could count on to stay with them through the process and they were worried about groups of buyers being tougher to do that with.

So I know there were at least three other bidders, two others who got bids in. There was a local Angeleno, there was a group that did include David Geffen and Oprah, and at least rumored, there was a group from the Mideast. I knew what my walkaway price was. I had actually told her lawyer, I wasn't a great negotiator. I had told them, "This is what I'd like to pay, this is the maximum I'd pay and, oh by the way, you have to understand, I don't want to look stupid in front of my wife for being a guy who dramatically overpays." But I, I laid it out there, I wasn't trying to be some tough, get the last 3%, 5% out of the deal, I just wanted to own the team.

Shontell: Of course.

Ballmer: And that was my negotiating approach. And then I had to hold on for the ride as the Sterlings went through their legal wrangling about whether Donald was competent to participate in the management of their trust.

Shontell: I remember that. And also, at the time, it sounded like you structured it like a venture-capital deal where you had a valuation on the team, and what you were willing to pay. No one had bought a team for $2 billion within the NBA before, but now it seems like you set the bar and other teams would be that valuable at this point.

Ballmer: Yeah, I think the thing people miss is in a business sense you'd say, it's not sort of a fluid market. Assets are limited, figuring out what the price is in that kind of calcified market is hard to do, and particularly in LA. LA and New York are different places. No matter what else is going on, buying land is more expensive in LA, and buying basketball teams is more expensive in LA. The baseball team the Dodgers had sold for about $2.1 billion, but they also had a lot of parking and they owned their stadium, so what was the right price for the basketball team? I knew exactly what the right price was: whatever the other bidders were willing to pay, plus some percentage.

Shontell: Do you have a perspective or an opinion on this conference debate within sports? You own a team that is in the west conference where some of the best teams in the NBA are, and then in the east, you've got LeBron and the Cavs, but not quite the competition that there is in the west.

Mark Cuban has been very vocal about his opinions on it and how he thinks you should just scrap the conference thing altogether, rank the teams, seed them. What's your take?

Ballmer: I think, you know, fans expect to have some notion of you know A versus B. You have it in baseball, you have it in football, you have it in basketball. I think it's fan expectation. There's some energy about that.

The west does happen to be stacked these days versus the east, but at the end of the day, whether you come from the west or the east, presumably the process leads to the best team being crowned champion of the NBA. I'm OK with that. We're in the west, OK, it's tougher, OK, bring it on. We'll do our best.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter where you are, you've got to beat the most important guys in the NBA in order to get to the championship. I wouldn't change it. I am but one owner with one voice. That will be determined in an appropriate way. As we move forward, the commissioner will lead that process. I'm OK with the way things are today.

Giving back by arming the world with facts

Shontell: I wanted to touch one more time on your philanthropy and your USA Facts and just make sure people understand what that is and what you all are doing, because you're doing a lot of work here in the United States. Some people do their philanthropy outside; a lot of what you've been focused on is here.

Ballmer: Well, USA Facts is an effort to pull together government data in a comprehensible form so that citizens, if they want to, can understand where money comes from in the government, where does it get spent, and what kind of outcomes. And we've taken a very business-like approach. We said, “Let's do this like a 10K.” No projections, very factual, no third-party data. In this case, we've used only government data to report.

We use the Constitution as our organizing framework. Businesses need to have segments. Well, the segments for government in the US are established in the preamble of the Constitution: establish justice and ensure domestic tranquility, promote the general welfare, provide for the common defense, secure these blessings for ourselves and our posterity. And you can put education and health and a number of other things into that framework.

I'm proud of what we've done. USAFacts.org, or you can follow us on Twitter at USAFacts.org or like us on Facebook, you have all of the options. I was delighted with the initial interest, 750,000 visitors across every state in the US, almost every country in the world. If you look at the activity now, it's come down some. We need to continue to push on our end to talk about how important the facts are. We just did a new poll that found people actually care about the facts. They are distressed with the fact that people with different beliefs actually have different facts. Let's get everybody on the same page. I'm excited about it. I guess you call it a philanthropic activity except we don't take any tax deductions for it, so it's just something we go do.

On the flip side, in the rest of our philanthropic activities, we focus exclusively in the United States. We'll support our alma maters and local things in Seattle, but what we focus in is a lot of kids, not all people born into poverty, what's their ability to move up economically? There are some kids born in the US who have very little opportunity to move up by a circumstance of their birth. What other kind of supports can you provide for parents to help those children? What do you do in the school systems? People talk about making the schools better, that's important, but a lot of the reason why it's tough to work in schools is because there's dysfunction elsewhere in the kids' lives. Parents are homeless, very hard to do your homework if you're in a single-family home, if there's no childcare, if you're hungry. Those things wind up being very, very important and so what we try to do is support not-for-profits that work in these areas, we believe deeply that an integrated approach in a community and getting the community to embrace it has great potential.

Advice for the next generation of Fortune 500 CEOs

Shontell: Final question: You've had a long, impressive, awesome career that I think anybody would feel so lucky to have. Looking back on it, if you're giving advice to someone who's just starting theirs out, what's the best advice you can give if someone wants to follow in your footsteps?

Ballmer: A few things. No. 1, find something to do that you're passionate about. If you're not passionate, I can't imagine how anybody can get there. There are two kinds of people. My son will tell me this, "Dad, there are people who live to work and there are people who work to live," and I respect both of those things. But if you're trying to have a career, you're going to have a little bit more live-to-work in you than work-to-live. So passion.

No. 2, evidence that in hard work, evidence that in good thought and good thinking — but be lucky. I know Microsoft's a talented company, we have very talented people. I certainly felt like I worked hard and had some good ideas as did Bill Gates and Paul Allen. But if anybody says there's no luck involved, I don't believe that. There is some luck. There's no, what was it, George Bernard Shaw? "Man and Superman."

No, there are people who are willing to work a little harder, willing to be a little smarter, and still don't have success. And some people do and there's a luck element that distinguishes those. I'd probably highlight those things: hard work, good ideas, and put yourself in a position to get luck, if you will. I think that that's very important.

Shontell: Thank you so much, Steve.

Ballmer: Thank you. Real pleasure to be here — I really enjoyed it.

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All about me

1. Name: Jackie 2. Birthplace: Chicago 3. Ancestry: Puerto Rican? 4. Zodiac Sign: Leo 5. Biggest fear: getting sick, snakes, balloons lol 6. Strength/Weakness: organized and I work hard at what I love & weakness, not very artistic like my drawings suck lmao 7. Worst habit: biting my nails 8. Favorite holiday: 4th of July and Halloween 9. Ever been in a car crash: yes 10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher:no 11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: Take off my shoes and jacket(if it's winter) 12. Age at first kiss: 14 13. When did you fall in love for the first time: 16 14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Samantha & 8 years 15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: lose weight and gain confidence, learn to love myself 16. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework :( 17. When was the last time you laughed hard: yesterday 18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: momma bear 19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: fuck school 20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I think Red Robin lmao 21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: my cousin Melissa 22. Who did you see in concert first: Beyoncé and destinys child 23. Who was your favorite teacher: mr gates 24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: mom and sister 25. Who do you think about most: my family and Ava and my man 26. Is your ideal occupation? Pharmacist 27. Beer, wine, or liquor? Wine 28. Favourite restaurant? Chick fil a if that qualifies lmao otherwise chillis 29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla or nutty coconut from baskin robins 30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonald's def 31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Ryan Reynolds 32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? Yes and shit a while back I'm not a drinker 33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? Pee in an alley.... 34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Cat woman she sexy 35. How many pets do you have? 3 36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? My momma a house 37. When was the first time you smoked? Like 16/17 lol 38. Who last sent you a text? Coworker 39. Who did you last send a text to? Mom 40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? Family obviously, makeup, internet, clothes 41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Mom, Sara and Ava 42. Favorite song? Rn.. clash by alesso 43. Favorite movie? Transformers 44. When did you last cuddle someone? Today 45. When did you last have sex? Yesterday 46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? Get drunk and go on a roller coaster 47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? getting sick & yes 48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? No guns. Period. 49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Friendships with girls in highs school 50. Where would you take a road trip? Cali 51. How do Mondays feel for you? Ehh they ight 52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? How do you do it mom? 53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? Self love 54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Getting into pharmacy school 55. What scares you about your future? Not making it or having a family or getting over my fears 56. Why does pizza come in a square box? Why is the sky blue? 57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? I'd never stop trying 58. How does it feel to be photographed? Awkward kinda 59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? My grandmas wake :/ 60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? Some aspects of me, yes 61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? Stand for what I believe in 62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? Make sure my family is happy and healthy 63. What are you thankful for, this moment? Being able to pay all my bills and having an amazing family as a support system 64. Do you have same sex fantasies?no 65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? In the garage? In a car ? 66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? Yes lmao 67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? 21 68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? 20 69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dominant 70. How tall are you? 5'1 71. How much do you weigh? 130 72. What color is your hair naturally? Light brown 73. What size jeans do you wear? 7 74. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, nudes, army green, mauve shades 75. Do you have any piercings? Yes 76. Do you have any tattoos? Yes 77. Do you care how other people see you? Yes 78. Do you like sports? Yes 79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships? Not too old but love is love 80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships? Love it 81. Do you believe in karma or fate? Karma 82. Do you keep a journal? No 83. Describe the last dream you remember: my bf cheated on me with Fiona from shameless 84. Describe your favorite dream: winning the lottery 85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Paris, Italy, London and bora bora and Turks and Caicos 86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Lolla and samf 87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? Rap & r&b 88. What music do you listen to when you are mad? Dubstep 89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles 90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Beer 91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? Margarita or moscato lmao typical 92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? Cigs sometimes like socially and weed barely once in a blue moon if that 93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Sam bc she's awesome and can keep a secret 94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? Yes 95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? No 96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? Yes 97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? No 98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? Ehhhh maybe 99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? Not really 100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? Don't care 101. How often do you brush your teeth? 2 times a day morning and night 102. How often do you shower? When was the last time you had a shower? Daily and today 103. How often do you shave your legs? Once a week. Not a hairy person lmao 104. Political affiliation? Democratic? Lmao 105. Opinion on abortion? Woman's body, her choice, for it 106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? Don't wanna get into that 107. Should prostitution be legalized? Fuck no 108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? 18 109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? Bc we have to.. like work 110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? Judge mental ppl 111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? Giving advice and support 112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? Yes 113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? Florida bc my dad lives there 114. Why are you the person you are? Bc of my personal experiences and knowledge 115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? Always 116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Bc they want you to convert? 117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? Do whatever I please 118. Were you happy when you woke up today? Yes 119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? He's a sweetheart 120. Want someone back in your life? Yes 121. What are you excited for? The weekend 122. Are you scared to fall in love? Sometimss 123. When is your next road trip? Idk 124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Homework 125. Do you like to cuddle? Love it 126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? Yes lol... 127. Plans for tomorrow? School and chilllax lmao 128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? Too much 129. How is life going for you right now? Pretty decent 130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? No 131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? Billy 132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? Yes of course 133. If you could have one super power what would it be? Read pls minds when I wanted to tho 134. Background on your cell phone? A lion 135. What are you thinking about right this second? Not wanting to go back to work from break 136. Last book you read? How was it? Milk and honey & super good 137. What is the last thing you bought? Chocolate covered raisins 138. Do you live with your parents? Yes 139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? No 140. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yes 141. What are you like when you’re drunk? fun and crazy the good kind 142. What are you like when you’re high? Giggles and relaxed 143. Do you want children? One day 144. Do you want a church wedding?yes 145. How many pillows do you sleep with?3 146. Have you ever been scuba diving? No 147. Who was your first real crush? Omgggg this polish guy named prezemek lmao 148. What are you allergic to? Bullshit 149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? Not ready lmao 150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl 151. How did you get your name? Charlie's angels, jaclyn smith 152. Name one thing about your body you love? My ass lmao 153. What is your biggest goal in life? To be happy 154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Ehh somewhat 155. Do you think aliens are real? No 156. What age did you start drinking? 19 157. What do you think of President Obama? Love him miss him and want him back 158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Maybe who knows 159. Describe your dream girl/guy? Honest, loyal, creative, easy to talk to 160. Story of your first kiss? In front of my middle school and cried when I got home 161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? It was awkward 162. Story of the first time you had sex? Friends basement -.- horrible but I loved the guy 163. When did you first have sex? Summer 2012 164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? Summer 2012 165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No he's a nut job 167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Chuck bass 168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? 15,800 What about twitter/ instagram? 1,344 twitter and ig: 2,500 169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? Yes 170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? High school 171. Do you talk to yourself? To remind my self of stuff yes 172. How old will you be on your next birthday? Twenty fun!!!! 173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? Work lmao 174. Do you have any hickies? No 175. Turn ons? Neck kisses 176. Turn offs? Smelly breath 177. What qualities did you get from your mom? Her body lmao 178. What qualities did you get from your dad? His personality 179. How many siblings do you have? 1 180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? Yes lmao

Survey #377

“you’re such an inspiration for the way that i will never, ever choose to be.”

Have you ever dreamt in another language? No. How long will you try out something you don’t enjoy before giving up on it? It really depends, but in most cases, admittedly very quickly. What’s something you recently realized or discovered about yourself? *shrug* What’s the most interesting news you read or received recently? What about the most depressing? Not in a good way really, but it was certainly interesting to learn I have such severe sleep apnea. Like, I was certain I didn't. The most depressing would be uhhhh... I guess Jason's mother's death, but I don't know how "recent" you'd consider that by now. Would you let politics get in the way of a relationship? It depends. Some beliefs I absolutely would not tolerate (like anti-LGBT), others I would just agree to disagree with. What is one way in which you need to learn to control yourself? I need to get better at controlling my mouth when I'm extremely upset. Do you use a photo editor? I use Lightroom and Photoshop for photography. Is your dad overweight? No, I think he's actually underweight. Ever been honked at? Yes. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend has had? Easton, I think? An old middle school friend had him. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster? Yes, but they never work for me. How did your parents pick your name? I dunno. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you have a balcony? No. Who is a singer that has given you chills? Man, I get chills easily with music. David Draiman from Disturbed, his cover of "Sound of Silence" is BREATHTAKING. That's number one. There are many others, they're just not coming to me at the moment. Do you have a drone? No. What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? Some wings at Buffalo Wild Wings. I got some crazy hot sauce. Have you ever discovered something gross in your food at McDonalds? No. What was the last thing you used sliced bread to make? A sandwich. How long did your shortest relationship last? Like a day lmao. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? A POOL!!!! I've talked before about how I want one so, SO very badly to exercise my legs without having to worry about sweat, and I can take a break the very moment I need to. Do you own a Snuggie? Yeah, somewhere. Do you listen to any unsigned bands/singers? Who? Yeah, quite a few on YouTube, but my favorite in Jonathan Young. He is SO damn talented. Who is your favorite video game character? Pyramid Head from the Silent Hill franchise. What kind of pictures do you post on Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat most frequently? Mostly of my pets lmao. Have you ever been on vacation with a significant other? No. Have you ever considered “unplugging”/taking a significant period of time away from technology? No. I know I'd never stick to it. Do you prefer to watch a documentary that is about a situation/event or a documentary that is more of a personal character study/biography? The latter. Meerkat Manor comes to mind with that, and everyone knows how much I adore that show. There was also one about rhesus macaques I fell in love with. Basically, I love animal docs, haha. Can you think of a recent time in which you might have been better off resisting, but you did something because you “just couldn’t help yourself”? Probably eating something. When you are getting to know someone, do you tend to worry that the other person will lose interest in you once they get to know the “real” you? Yyyyep. What is something that you would like to do, but really aren’t able to because of your location? (e.g., see art or get a certain job) Man, a lot of things. Photograph meerkats is a biggie. What sort of job do you think is best suited for your skills? Is this an in-demand position or something you’re unlikely to actually get? If I could actually handle the heat and was in good shape to traverse the outdoors, I think I'd be a great wildlife biologist. Even more though, if I could beat my social anxiety, I would ADORE being an animal educator with kids. Do you believe it is the responsibility of businesses, or prominent business leaders (think Bill Gates) to take the lead on social issues whether by using their influence or their money? Saying it's their "responsibility" sounds unfair and puts a lot of weight on their shoulders, but I do feel they should by their own volition and kindness use their position for good, such as through monetary assistance and other things. Have you ever gone to a job interview and realized that you didn’t want the job? Yep. Have you ever asked that someone sacrifice something (a habit, relationship, job, etc.) for you? A habit, yes. Looking back it was stupid as shit. What would you call your body type? Ew. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Considering I spend them with my sister's bigoted, homophobic, and racist in-laws, not especially. I always feel very uncomfortable and disliked among everyone for being the "black sheep" among 'em. Is your vision good? God no. Even with my glasses, it's very poor. I need a new prescription badly. Do both of your parents have jobs? Mom has something of the sort, like she cleans a local church for a small pay, but it's not really a "job." She's still recovering from cancer, getting her strength back up and such before she can handle a consistent job. Dad's had a job for as long as I've lived. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? How heteronormative. But whatever. It's so fucking cheesy, but singing a cute song to me while slowdancing sounds so super adorable to me. What food are you craving right now? I am craving something sweet like you wouldn't believe. It's annoying. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. Do you have a lot of scars? Yes, but most are very negligible. I just scar extremely easily. Last person you saw other than your family? My primary doctor. Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? The The Lion King remake. Who was the last person you played a video game with? Ummm I think Girt. Last game you played at an arcade? Zero clue. What was your favorite nursery rhyme as a child? I THINK I particularly liked "The Itsy-Bitsy Spider?" None stand out strongly, though. What is your favorite cousin’s first name? I don’t have a favorite cousin. Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? I think with a friend to prevent loneliness, but at the very same time, I see a great beauty in traveling on your own. Just taking new things in, seeing so many different cultures, beautiful scenery... I feel it'd be a great chance for exploration of insight. Remind yourself how small you are, that there's a much, much bigger picture than your own problems, that people are so unique but hopefully share common morals... I see a lot of poetry in it. Do you like the smell of coffee? It's one of my favorite smells. If you have a favorite photographer, can you describe their work? I can't possibly pick. I watch literally hundreds on deviantART, and many of them absolutely blow my mind. What’s one aspect of your life that did not turn out as you expected? My lack of a career. Outside of school, have you ever used a thesaurus? Well, online ones for writing. When you see a good-looking girl in skimpy clothing, what is your initial thought? I envy her confidence, like gotdamn girl. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. Are you on a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Domino's or Little Caesar's. What was the name of the last dog you pet? We've been calling the dog we're holding right now Zoe. Have you ever had anything stolen from you? Yes. Have you ever seen the White House? I don't think so, but it's possible I have when we've driven up to New York, but from a distance. How about Niagara Falls? No. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? I just like regular iceberg lettuce with some bacon bits and ranch. Man, that sounds good right about now. Any posters of a band on your bedroom wall? Yeah, Metallica and Marilyn Manson. Do you think it’d be cool to have your body mummified after you die? No. I couldn't rock the mummy look even if I tried, haha. Can you tell the difference between a Scottish & an Irish accent? Not really, no. Can you read music? I used to be able to. Do you work the night shift? I don’t have a job, but if I did, I absolutely do not want to work the night shift anywhere. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? Yes. Is your mother diabetic? Are you? She is, but I'm not. Would you like to learn how to make ceramic pottery? It'd be cool, sure. Ever sang someone to sleep? No. Who did you last kiss? My cat. Why did you last lie? I don't recall. Probably to just avoid confrontation with Mom. What do you put on your hamburgers? Cheese, ketchup, and mustard, generally. Who do you think cares the most about you? My mom. Have you ever sent a dirty picture? No. What’s at the center of your dining table? Honestly, we sit in there so rarely that I don't even know. I think we might have nothing, actually. Have you ever started a rumor? No. Do you like being outside? If it's cool, yes. What’s your favourite condiment? Maybe ketchup. Or honey mustard. Who sang/played the last song you listened to? Chris Motionless is the singer of Motionless In White. I don't know if that's his real last name, though. Do you like yoga? I used to. Now all the bending and shit would make me dizzy as hell with my "how are you still alive" level of low blood pressure. Do you always carry breath mints? No, but I do carry Tictacs with me, but they're for my dry mouth. It forces you to salivate, so it helps. What do you think your reaction would be upon entering the White House? I don't really know. I honestly don't even know how it looks inside. Thinking about it, I'd probably be more scared than anything, waiting for a bomb to drop or some shit lmao. Have you ever grown your own sea monkeys or dinosaurs? OH MY GOD I LOVED those!!! I definitely did! Have you ever thrown a game controller (or the game) and broke it? No, I've never been the type to do that. If I'm SERIOUSLY getting mad, all I do is tighten my grip. Did you ever own an Etch-a-Sketch? Yes. Do/did you ever have glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling? I believe so. What movie were you really worked up for that ended up disappointing you? My answer is Warcraft, but only because the fucking orcs' voices were so baritone that I couldn't understand them almost ever lmaooo. Like I had a mild idea of what was going on because of the game, but still. What part of a paper is hardest for you to write? The intro, or the conclusion. Both are difficult to me. Like I want to compose a gripping beginning as well as an end that doesn't just repeat everything I've already said and ends on a strong note. Does it bother you that almost everything is done on computers now? No. KFC Chicken: original or extra crispy? I don't like fried chicken. Think about your first kiss. Did you have any idea what you were doing? I mean, I guess? Like I'd seen kisses enough to know how to give someone a peck. It just came naturally. Did you get Happy Meals just for the toys as a kid? Not just for the toy, but it's the main thing I wanted, sure. Have you ever seen your parents cry? If so, how did it make you feel? Seeing my mom cry absolutely destroys me. I don't want her to hurt EVER. Especially if it's seriously unfair bullshit that has her upset, I also get very angry (not at her, of course) and protective. I've seen Dad tear up once, back when he was telling us about his mother's funeral, and I felt immense surprise more than anything. He does NOT cry. How do you feel about animal testing? It's fucking disgusting and barbaric. Find a different goddamn way. Do you add condiments to your ice cream, or just eat it plain? If I'm having vanilla, I'll usually add chocolate syrup. Have you ever witnessed a crime? Yes. What’s the coolest personalized license plate you’ve ever seen? I'm forever gonna get a kick out of this one that just said "omw," haha.