west is high so i’m gaslighting him

i’m gonna put my playlist on shuffle and write what the songs remind me of while i listen to them, no one asked and no one cares but i’ve had so much caffeine and sugar today that there is no way in fresh hell i am going to bed anytime soon,

this is unnecessarily long, i’m just terrified of losing memories and i need these written down

deadroses - blackbear - september 2019 when i was getting ready for school. i used a rose cleansing water and the smell of it reminds me of this song, it was super warm and i had just come back from vacation in bulgaria with my family. used to watch the sunset with this song pretending i’m the main character. one time we went to a supermarket on the outskirts of town with this blasting in the car

anxiety - blackbear - almost the same as the previous one, october 2019 when i got led lights under my bed and i was just calming down from 4 months of paranoia and sleepless nights

one for the road - arctic monkeys - weird mood in december when all i would listen to was arctic monkeys and the nbhd, spent most nights on the dining room table blasting these just quiet enough to not wake my parents upstairs, my neighbours probably wished murder was legal

miroh - skz - miroh came out about a month after i found skz so i was still new to their music and the day it came out i was kinda sick and staying home from school so i got to enjoy the full thing in peace, i spent the next few days watching finding skz and then i blasted this throughout april which was a weird and rough month oh and also i started that other writing blog

often - the weeknd - i used to blast this in the 8th grade while i played that one paper airplane flash game before i discovered the magic of headphones fkgslkjgn

sweater weather - so many memories attached to this pretty bitch, finding it first through a sam and colby vine, walking home in the 6th grade from the dentist at night, standing on my balcony and watching super strong winds bring in very dark storm clouds almost completely covering the light from the sky above, except for one small window of light, last december

fantasy - dye - i found this i think last summer but it reminds me of my childhood and watching samurai jack for some reason

rumors - neffex - i accidentally clicked on a lyric video for this while i was staring at the moon one evening and the sky in the background picture of the video was exactly the same as the sky i was looking at and it just reminded me of a mid 2000′s teenagers room in my town, like older boys i used to have baby crushes on as a kid would have a room like that, gray walls, wooden desk with a computer and a bed with gray sheets with a window right above it and moonlight shining in, a red electrig guitar mounted on the wall and a skateboard leaned against the wall

arabella - arctic monkeys - i listened to an hour loop of this for a week straight non stop in december, i specifically remember dec 21st and wrote a lot on here

do i wanna know - arctic monkeys - there’s a few with this one, firsty it’s finding this song in the 9th grade when i was going to a youth club and i started listening to it because a girl from france that was there that i had a crush on liked it, secondly, finding bts in 2018 and listening to this while staring at the stars in a black tshirt, flannel and jeans with converse(yes i was that kid) and feeling the very moist air hit the back of my neck after we just got back from someone’s house that was selling clothes from home.

i miss the old u - blackbear - a lot of these are on my balcony because i love the sky lol but this one is too and just standing on my balcony in autumn 2019 after i got back from school just to watch the sky melt into a coral pink and orange

how you like that - blackpink - summer 2020, all i did was learn to play the ukulele and struggle with an issue i don’t wanna mention, the entire summer, with this playing in the background, i got my new laptop so i blasted this on there instead of my phone like most of the others on this list, also worked out to this song a lot

fly away - thefatrat - playing transformice in 2017 for HOURS and talking to dodgy people on there

dirty laundry - blackbear - you guessed it, getting ready for school in 2019, same as most other blackbear songs

god’s menu - skz - this came out the day after i got my laptop and the day that i got my ukulele, i remember watching the online concert while i waited for my mum to come home and bring me the uke, i watched it in my room in the dark and i literally had way more fun that i probably should have but they were so hyped up it was lovely

chateau - blackbear - autumn 2019 on my balcony watching the sunset

wonderland - caravan palace - similar to how you like that, listened to this all of summer 2020 while i was struggling with that issue, i used to pace around the second floor of my apartment with this song on and strut to the beat

feel special - twice - just when school started in 2019, i watched every studio ghibli movie that summer so i associate this song with those, i used to get ready for school with this blasting, and i remember dreaming about sana sitting in the rain a few times

pumped up kicks - going home from bulgaria in 2017 and getting stuck with no gas or cash in a little border town, we got there super late and most money exchanges were already closed so we had to get money from someone’s basement:) also summer 2020 when i learned to play this on the uke and it’s super easy and still my favourite one to play

why’d you only call me when you’re high - march 2018, i was making sugar cookies with leftover frozen dough from the last time i had made them, and while they were in the oven i went out on the balcony just to stare at the stars on the west

wow - danceracha - january, gameshow, that’s all i’m gonna say, i’ve been skipping through the songs once i wrote what i had to say but i’m gonna have to let this absolute bop play through, it’s the gay in me, why is this song so good what the FUCK

faggot - msi - reminds me of my childhood for some reason i think it was played a lot in some places, reminds me specifically of when i would walk home with my mum and see people sitting in an internet cafe we passed everynight that had neon signs inside

chronosaurus - april 2019, lee know saying tick tock tick tock getting closer was stuck in my head, almost got youtube premium just to be able to download that music video, may 2019, went on a school trip and listened to this on the days leading up to it, currently waiting for lee knows tick tock tick tock getting closer to play omfg why does he say it so well sjflkfj

505 - arctic monkeys - autumn - winter 2020, just sat in my dining room playing this and staring off into space

victory song - skz - LISTEN TO THIS  승전가, jisung and chan lifting their shirts lived rent free in my mind for a few months after this came out

cherry - itzy - summer 2020, issues and dancing a lot

get cool - skz - just got into them, feb 2019, used to listen to this when i was trying to learn their names🥺

hayloft - mother mother - oooohh a recent one, late january 2021, fell in love with a tiktok girl and decided to get my life together, played geoguessr with this on loop

love scenario - ikon - may 2018 when i was just really starting to get into kpop, this was one of the first non bts songs that i loved, i used to listen to it while reading wattpad lol

snap out of it - jan 2021, gameshow, reminds me of felix for some reason

hot girl bummer - late summer 2019, crying at night because of anxiety and pretending i was okie dokey during the day

daddy issues - the nbhd - may 7th 2018, super stormy outside, it was my younger cousins birthday, i spent the day in this one oversized shirt with donald duck printed all over it pretending i was talking to my crush at the time and staring at the rain clouds

be with you - cadmium - summer 2020, pacing around my apartment and those issues and finding this song through a video about those issues, i can’t find the channel anymore:(

reckless healy - january 2020, i was doing eyeliner all the time and just vibing, i had my doggie and all i did was scroll through tiktok and listen to music

ghost - confetti - november 2020, pretending i was the main character while singing this through my entire apartment

knee socks - arctic monkeys - same exact thing as arabella

goodnight i’ve been writing for so long and i’m finally tired

Park Your Car in My Gay-rage

Castiel moved out West so he could live freely and with pride. However an anonymous act of bigotry chips away at his faith that he can live life without facing prejudice. And with each repair shop that turns him down the cracks keep growing. Why would Singer's Auto be any different?

Will his car ever be fixed? And could a certain mechanic restore more than just his car?

(Link to ao3)

           Castiel slumps against his car, snapping his cell phone shut in frustration. Banging his hand against the hood he grumbles out a string of expletives as he gives up hope. Meg, leaning against the hood, drums her fingers on the closed Yellow Pages while watching him.

           “So,” Meg says, “it a bust, too?”

           He sighs, tapping his phone on his forehead. “More than that. The mechanic laughed me off after I told him what I needed and had a few choice opinions to tell me.”

           Meg’s lips purse, and she steps back onto the sidewalk to stare at the rough scratches across her friend’s beige paint. The word was interrupted by the open driver seat’s door, but when closed all together the crude artist spelled out ‘FAGGOT’. “Maybe he knew the jackass who did this…”

           Castiel ignores her, chewing on his lip. “How am I going to get this fixed…? I can’t drive around town like this.”

           “And I’m sick and tired of looking through that thing,” she jerks her thumb at the offensive phone book, “Do you ever think searching for stuff will be easier? Like, I don’t know… all these names and numbers stored somewhere and it’d only take a few seconds to find exactly what you’re looking for?”

           Frown slashed heavily across his face, Castiel turns to glare at her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

           She shrugs, “I don’t know… digging through that reminded me of this girl I went out with a couple’a times. Total geek, spent at least two dates going on and on about those huge, clunky computer things. Think she lived in an Internet Café… wait a minute!” She digs into her leather jacket pocket and pulls out her phone, flicking it open and clicking away.

           He hops off his car, stepping closer out of curiosity. “What are you doing?”

           “I just remembered,” she starts, not even looking at him, “she mentioned how she works at this garage –“

           “Meg, we’ve tried all the garages in the area –“

           “C’mon, trust me,” Meg continues, “place has to be good if they hired a lesbian.”

           Castiel rolls his eyes. “Forgive me if I don’t trust straight men’s views on lesbianism.” At that Meg stops staring at her phone to shoot Castiel a flat look. He hisses out a breath and runs tired fingers through his hair. “Sorry, I’m just tired and frustrated about all this… why is it so hard to find somebody for a body job?”

           “Because unfortunately most people today are ignorant, Clarence,” Meg tells him, holding her phone against her ear, “And we’re not going to see any real change for years… maybe not until we’re all old and shriveled and grey.”

           Huffing, Castiel crosses his arms against his chest and spins on his heel. He lets Meg talk to his back, done with their bleak conversation. Still, a part of him agrees with her opinion of the future for those like them. It wasn’t too long ago Castiel was trapped in his old hometown in Illinois, looking over his shoulder every weeknight to make sure no one followed him home. Fearful that one day his face would be a blip in the newsreel, another name to add to the wall like Matthew Shepard.

           “I moved here to escape all that,” he mumbles to himself, “but apparently hatred can grow anywhere… even in California.”

           Meg hops onto his back, interrupting his musings. She chokes him, forcing him to twirl her around until Castiel can pry her arms off of him. After wheezing in a good-sized breath, he asks what that was about.

           “They’d be happy to take a look,” Meg says, “Free of charge!”

           Castiel blinks at her. “What?”

           “I told you this was a good place, Clarence. Hurry up though, they’re not gonna keep the shop open for you.” She rattles off the directions, having to repeat herself once Castiel shakes away the dazed look in his eye. “…And when you get there you’re supposed to ask for Dean,” she finishes, “Dean Winchester.”

           “Why?”

           “Guy overheard us talking and said he’d take care of it personally.”

           “But… why?”

           She shrugs, “Who knows, but he’s waving his fees. Don’t look a gift mechanic in the mouth, my gorgeous unicorn.” Meg pockets her phone and skips backwards, waving goodbye.

           “Wait,” Castiel follows her, “you’re not coming with?”

           “Band practice,” she says, “I’ve gotta swing over to my place and pick up my bass. You’ll do fine!” With a loud smack of her lips she disappears behind a corner, off on her own way.

           Castiel waits a beat before he actually leaves. He starts the engine, idling some more to switch out the CD in the drive, so instead of blasting Indigo Girls he could drive to the music of the Cranberries. Skipping until he reached ‘Zombie’, Castiel nods his head along as he begins his journey over to Singer’s Auto Repair.

           It wasn’t too confusing following Meg’s directions. Halfway through her second explanation Castiel realized he was familiar with the route. He’s driven that way countless time to visit a small bookstore he loves. The only one he’d been able to find that stocks trashy romance novels of more diverse backgrounds. Perks of living near West Hollywood, Castiel always knows where to go to find shops catered to others like him.

           But he would have remembered seeing a car garage there.

           Rounding the final corner, Castiel slows down and crawls along the street, head swerving left and right while ‘Yeat’s Grave’ plays on. After passing his bookstore, he spots a faded sign a few storefronts down.

           “How have I never seen this before?”

           Unassuming from the front, with faded brick and rusted steel, Bobby’s Auto Shop sits next to a leather shop and spans all the way to the corner. A single rainbow flag hangs from a pole jutting off the side of the building. Castiel pulls into an open garage, parking near the front and cutting the music off before the next song could begin. He steps out of the car and looks around.

           There are at least five vehicles stationed inside the building at the moment. He sees one hefted up on a lift, a burly man inspecting it from below. Across from him two other mechanics argue over the exposed engine of a truck, long hair pulled back into tight ponytails. At a lounge area a black couple share a bag of chips.

           Looking to the other side at what Castiel expects to be only a blank wall he spies a cluttered corkboard.

           Castiel walks away from his car and over to it, scanning the different fliers tacked on. Notices for events like poetry readings and charity brunches to raise funds for AIDs research. A picture of a drag queen hangs next to an ad selling a lounger with a few of the tabs ripped off. There’s even a poster for Meg’s band, ‘The Demon Queens’ that he recognizes, having done the design for them.

           “You find something you like?” a rough drawl from behind startles him. Castiel spins, coming face to face with a man who shouldn’t look so handsome streaked with oil. He stares into sparkling green eyes, the color only highlighted by the dark marks on his cheeks. The mechanic smirks, cocking one brow higher than the other. “You all right there?”

           “Yeah-yeah-yes,” Castiel clears his throat, “Yes I am, sorry I… what did you ask?”

           He chuckles, running dirty fingers through his light brown hair, coloring it darker. “You here for some work?”

           Castiel nods. “I’m supposed to ask for a Dean… Winchester?”

           Mechanic’s gaze widens, glancing back at Castiel’s car before returning to him. “You’re Meg’s friend?” he asks, grinning.

           “Yes…?”

           “Hmm… not what I was expecting,” he says, holding a hand out, “I’m Dean.”

           Castiel flushes, cursing his luck. Of course the only mechanic who would work on his car would be the man who stepped off the set of a calendar shoot.

           Pretty boys have always been Castiel’s weakness. From high school when he first understood where his attractions laid to now, something about them makes his brain shuts down. His tongue works against him and sweat pours out from everywhere; thoughts bottleneck behind the embarrassing urge to blurt out ‘you’re pretty’. Castiel ceases to function normally when presented with a pretty boy.

           It’s been an uncomfortable amount of time where Dean’s hand hangs in the air. Castiel realizes it when the smile on his face slowly starts to fall.

           He jerks his hand out in a panic, latching onto Dean’s with as relaxed a face he can force. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dean.” His handshake is tight and fast, quickly pulling away as if burned.

           Feeling something wet coating his palm Castiel prays Dean didn’t notice his sweat. However looking at it he belatedly remembers Dean’s hands were covered in oil.

           “Shit,” Dean says, “Totally forgot to clean up… that’s my bad.”

           “It’s fine,” Castiel tell him, “I’ve had worse… my hands are usually messy and covered in whatever.”

           “Really? Like what?”

           “Paints, clay… those types of things.”

           “You an artist?”

           “On my days off.”

           Dean motions for Castiel to follow. He does. “You do any galleries?” he asks.

           Castiel frowns, “I’ve been in one or two, but never on my own. Don’t have the money to afford a space.”

           “If you ever do, feel free to advertise here,” Dean says, stopping by a large sink, “As you already know we have a place for a poster or two.”

           “Duly noted.” He waits for Dean to turn on the faucet, letting him run his hands under the stream first. Once he finishes Castiel half-heartedly scrubs at the oil. There wasn’t much on his hand, and making any effort to wash it away wouldn’t fit with the cool façade Castiel tried to keep.

           “Y’know,” Dean starts, hands hidden in a fluffy towel, “when Charlie told me about you, I thought you’d look a hell of a lot different.”

           Castiel skews his head to the side. “How so?”

           “Well I figured you’d be a girl,” he shrugs, “friend of an ex from Charlie, nine out of ten it’d be another lesbian or at least bisexual…“ Dean tosses the towel to Castiel, “egg on my face, right?”

           He catches it haphazardly. “More like oil.” When Dean’s brows pinch together, Castiel mock wipes at his face with the towel.

           “Really?” Dean whines, “You probably think I’m a slob.” He hurriedly splashes some more water on his face and snatches the towel back.

           “Honestly?” Castiel says, “I don’t know enough about you to form an opinion.”

           Dean looks up from the towel and smiles, dimples clear on his freckled cheeks. “We’ll have to fix that, then.” Before Castiel can overthink what that means Dean walks away and over to his car, Castiel racing to keep up. “So someone marked up your car?”

           He sighs, “Yeah… I woke up the other day to find that – that word scratched on the side along with some… other things.” Castiel doesn’t dive in to the details of the torn up rainbow flag outside his apartment and the already painted over slurs carved onto his door. “That’s what I get for celebrating the first day of Pride, I guess.”

           Dean frowns, running a hand across his car’s ugly scar. “You know the person who did this?”

           Castiel shrugs. “Suspicions… but nothing concrete enough to make a claim or file a report.”

           “If it were me I’d do more than that. Bastard would be walking with a limp – if at all – if they messed up my Baby.”

           The threat brings a smile to Castiel’s face. He straightens out of the curled up posture he fell into. “Your ‘Baby’?”

           “My car,” Dean explains, turning to him, “older model in black. A ‘67 Chevy Impala.”

           “I must confess… I don’t know that much about cars.”

           “Really?”

           “I don’t quite know the model of my own car let alone what an Impala looks like.”

           “That’s a damn shame,” Dean tells him, “Going your whole life without knowing what true beauty is? I’d take you out to see her now if I didn’t have to park so far away today.”

           “You don’t have your own parking?”

           He shakes his head. “Usually I snag a spot on the block but by the time I made it out of bed they were all taken. So I’m about three down in front of this deli. Anyway…” Dean kneels down again, inspecting his car closely. “This shouldn’t be tough… probably have it ready by tomorrow if nothing comes up.”

           “Are you sure?” Castiel asks, “If you have other clients waiting –“

           “Nah I finished up my last appointment for the day already. Don’t stress about it.”

           “That’s very nice of you,” he says, “all the other places I tried wouldn’t help me and here you make it sound so easy…” Then, Castiel remembers what Meg told him. “And for no pay? I don’t mind, I have the money –“

           Dean reaches out for Castiel, grabbing his wrist to stop him from taking out his wallet. “I insist. I’m always looking for ways to give back to our community.”

           Castiel smiles, his skin burning from Dean’s touch. “Our – ah… our community?” he starts, “do you mean that in a friendly neighborhood sense or…”

           He rolls his eyes. “In a rainbow way.”

           “Ah.” Castiel glances around the garage, gaze unable to land on any one point for long. “I was wondering… this is a very progressive garage.”

           “Has been since the beginning,” Dean tells him, leaning against Castiel’s car, “Bobby’s been a staple here for a long time ever since he and his wife Karen moved in years ago.”

           “Bobby?”

           “Bobby Singer, the big ol’ boss of this place,” he explains, “He and Karen came here when things got dangerous for them back where they used to live.”

           “Why was that?”

           Dean launches Castiel back into the past, where a newly married Bobby and Karen were being threatened nearly every night when one of the women in Sioux Falls discovered Karen hadn’t always been called Karen. Gangs of men hung out in front of their house, dumping cigarette butts on their lawn. Every time they went out they were watched and followed, confronted on the days when people had a little more confidence than normal. Any room they entered became so silent a cough could shatter glass. Neither Bobby nor Karen was willing to move at first, until the first rock was thrown through their window. They packed their bags and left in the early morning, not stopping until their car broke down in California.

           Bobby pushed it all the way to the closest garage. “It was closing,” Dean says, “And the only one there was the owner – and he didn’t see why he should help. So Bobby grabbed a box of tools and set to work. Halfway through fixing his own car, someone pulled up and asked Bobby to look under his hood. He did and made the engine purr. Owner saw and demanded Bobby give him the money from that. Made a deal and bought the place with what was left of their savings.”

           “And he turned it into this,” Castiel says, “I wish I knew about Singer’s sooner… would have saved me a lot of guff whenever I needed my oil changed.”

           “I’ll admit we can do better in advertising,” Dean shrugs, “Mainly we rely on word-of-mouth… although we did get a lot of customers after Benny namedropped us in one of his shows.”

           “Benny?”

           Dean jerks his thumb over towards the burly man from earlier, chatting with the previously bickering mechanics by the truck. “He’s a drag queen. Performs over at the Roadhouse every Wednesday as ‘The Vamp’. I mentioned he should promote the garage in his act one night when I was helping him do his make-up.”

           Castiel recalls the picture of the drag queen he saw pinned to the cork board, notices the similarities between the figure captured and the one in front of him. “Is everyone who works here a… um, on the rainbow?”

           “More or less,” Dean shrugs, “Jo – the blonde – been on Estrogen for two years, has her first round of surgery coming up in a few weeks. Dorothy doesn’t conscribe to the binary but they still identify as a lesbian…” He swings his finger over to the lounge area. “Max is as gay as the next guy but his sister Alicia’s our token straight.” Turning back to face Castiel he says, “And Charlie you already know only goes for chicks.”

           “And you?”

           “Me?” Dean chuckles, “Why I’m bi as fuck!”

           Castiel laughs as well. “Are you trying to collect all the letters?”

           “Like queer Pokémon,” Dean nods, earning another round of snickers. “Nah, we all kinda drifted together. Jo and the Banes twins lived in the area – Jo’s mom actually owns the Roadhouse. But the rest of us… Bobby took under his wing in one way or another.”

           Storm clouds brew in the timbre of Dean’s voice, the shiny jewels of his eyes losing their luster. Castiel feels the temperature between them dip low by tens of degrees. Whatever Dean doesn’t say must weigh heavily to flatten the good mood he was in.

           It’s a familiar burden Castiel knows all too well.

           “Do you know what my name means?”

           Dean blinks, thrown off by the sudden shift in topics. “Uh… no –“

           “It’s a bastardized version of an angel’s name,” he explains, “Cassiel. They thought the extra ‘s’ was too… feminine. But I was born on a Thursday and…” Castiel trails off, grimacing.

           “Religious family?” Dean asks.

           He nods. “My dad was heavily involved with our local Church.”

           “So when you…”

           “It was not a fun time,” Castiel says, “I didn’t go home for the first two years after I left for college but… we learned not to speak about it. Although every now and then my mother sends me pamphlets for seminary school.”

           Dean barks out a rough laugh, biting his lip. A brief, charged silence stands between them where Castiel can’t breathe. He nearly backs away, tells Dean that it’s okay. They’re strangers – all he needs is a body job, not a life story. But then he sucks his lower lip under his teeth and starts.

           “My dad caught me fooling around with another boy when I was sixteen,” he says, “And after the punches kicked me out on my ass. Joke’s on him, though, because I managed to snag the keys to the car. Drove around for the first year seeing the sights until I found my way to Bobby’s. Picked up shifts part-time until he noticed me sleeping in my car. Cuffed me on the head and told me to take the spare room in the apartment above.”

           “Karen didn’t mind?”

           “Karen died years earlier,” Dean smiles ruefully, “Cancer. But she would’ve done the same thing. Wish I could’ve met her, though, heard she made killer apple pie.”

           And in that moment, Castiel finds himself wishing he had the chance as well. Dean talks about his family with so much love he wants to meet them all, or at least here him tell more stories about them. Knowing that this group of people have found each other and are happy gives Castiel more hope for the future for people like them.

           Dean Winchester’s gravitation is too powerful to resist, and Castiel falls into his orbit happily.

           A set of squeaky wheels interrupts their conversation, an older man in a trucker’s cap rolling up to them. “Winchester,” he barks, “I don’t pay you to stand around and flirt. Git to work on this poor boy’s car!”

           They break apart, both their cheeks bright red. Dean hangs his head, rubbing his hands against his coveralls. “Right away, Bobby.”

           Bobby shakes his head, leaving them. “Idjits…”

           Castiel shuffles his feet, wringing his hands together. He waits until the other man is far away before speaking again. “So… that’s Bobby.”

           “Yeah,” he huffs, “Bastard’s usually never this ornery… probably getting me back for walking in on him and his boyfriend the other night.” Dean scoffs, crossing his arms, “Not my fault Crowley didn’t lock the damn door…”    

           The past few minutes catch up with Castiel and he feels the awkwardness creeping back up his spine like a spider. “I… I should be going,” he stutters out, startling Dean.

           “Really?” Dean asks, his frown confusing to Castiel’s already addled mind.

           He nods, pacing backwards. “Thank you for your help and… and the talk.” Then before Dean could respond Castiel races out the garage door and doesn’t look back. Castiel makes it past the leather shop before he falls back against the storefront and gasps for breath.

           “Castiel,” he mumbles to himself, “stupid… ‘and the talk’. Why can’t you talk to pretty boys without losing your head.”

           He knocks his head against the brick latticework repeatedly, angry with how he blew his shot with the pretty mechanic. In between the heavy pounding she gives himself he hears a slight cough to his right.

           Squinting an eye open Castiel sees Dean watching him with an amused grin across his face. Throwing himself away from the wall, Castiel turns to face him. “Dean?” he starts, “What are… what are you doing here?”

           Dean steps closer, invading Castiel’s space. The smell of motor oil and cologne makes him dizzy. “You left in such a hurry, Cas, you forgot to give me your phone number.”

           His heart skips over itself as a sunny ray of hope shoots across his chest. Clouds return to cover it when he remembers past garage experiences where mechanics needed it to reach him. He deflates. “Right, so you can tell me when my car’s ready.”

           Dean juts his lower lip out, head bobbing as he considers Castiel’s statement. “Yeah for that, too.”

           “Too?”

           “Well I mean how else can I ask you out if I don’t have your number?”

           A stone lodges itself in Castiel’s throat. “You… you want to ask me out… on a date?”

           His eyebrows jump up. “I… I wasn’t misreading anything… was I?”

           That spurs Castiel into action. “No, no! You weren't… I am… I’m interested.”

           Dean relaxes, hand splayed against his chest. “Good, got nervous there for a second.” He looks to Castiel, waiting. “So…?”

           They exchange numbers, Dean handing Castiel’s phone back with a wink and a promise to call later. Then he heads back to the garage to smooth out the scratches on his car.

           Castiel stands there, outside the leather shop, too shocked to move. Somehow he gains control of his legs again and picks one up after the other.

           When he makes it to the bus stop, Castiel pulls his phone out and stares at Dean’s number. Butterflies flutter in his stomach as the largest smile blossoms on his face.

           It stays there all the way back to his apartment.

TRENDS PRODIGY HAS SET SINCE 1992 AND STILL IS SETTING IN 2008 AND BEYOND:

#1 TATTOO’S ON MY CHEST, ARMS AND HAND SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD

#2 RAPPING WORDS THAT DONT ALWAYS RHYME

#3 PUTTING WORDS TOGETHER THAT DONT RHYME AND MAKING THEM RHYME "big guns down in santa barbray, my crew do it the mobb way every day, crime pay who wanna gun play thrill me. niggas kill me grillin me you wanna look peep the 9 milly now undress you know the drilly. niggas suspect weak links pose threat, i have yet to met challenger who go against my set"

#4 CUSTOM MADE JEWELERY INSTEAD OF THE POPULAR MOLDS.

#5 HOW I FOLD MY BANDANA

#6 CUSTOM MADE FOOTBALL JERSEYS WIT HENNESSY and E&J ON EM’

#7 CREATING AND MAKING SLANG POPULAR LIKE ,,,,,, KIKO, CUZZO, VULTURES, BOGIES, HENNY ROCK, NOTTY HEAD, HEAD SPIN (head), BACK SPIN (pussy)

#8 MADE DRINKIN HENNESSY, E&J, LIME BACARDI, 151 POPULAR (nothin to be proud of)

#9 SAMPLING MUSIC FROM THE MOVIE SCARFACE,,,,,NOBODY DID IT BEFORE ME..NOT THE MUSIC

#10 SAMPLING MAFIA MUSIC -"crime connections" MOBB DEEP feat. CORMEGA,,,,L.E.S. BIT MY SHIT WHEN HAV LEFT MY MAFIA CD’S IN A NAS SESSION. THEN YOU HEAR SHIT LIKE "affermitive action"

#11 FIRST RAPPER WIT TATS ON MY FINGERS AND MY WHOLE NECK DONE

#12 PROTOOLS,,,,STARTED USING IT IN 98

#13 MURDA MUSIC,,EVERYBODY USES MY BLOOD SPLASH NOW

#14 WE MADE DOING SONGS FOR CHICKS COOL FOR STREET NIGGAS

#15 EVERYBODY WANNA USE THE WORD INFAMOUS NOW……THERES ONLY ONE INFAMOUS ON THE PLANET AND THATS THE INFAMOUS MOBB DEEP. WHOEVER ELL’S IS TRULY PLAYING THEYSELF. COME BETTER. I DONT SEE YOU CALLIN YA SELF NOTORIOUS,,,SO DONT USE OUR SHIT…YOU LOOK AND SOUND STUPID.

#16 ALOT OF PEOPLE ARE CALLIN THEY SELF A MOBB WIT 2 B’S,,,,,YOU ARE A EXTRA DICK RIDER. I CREATED THE 2 B SHIT JUST SO WE COULD STAND OUT,,,PLEASE STOP IT.

#17 THIS BELONGS AT THE TOP,,,,,,,,,PRODIGY AND HAVOC. AFTER ME AND HAV NAMES WERE IN THE SOURCE UN-SIGNED HYPE COLUM, THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME OUR NAMES WERE EVER PRINTED AND OUTTA NOWHERE POP’S UP A prodijee and havik from the west coast????????? THEM NIGGA BIT OUR NAMES…THERES NO WAY IN THE UNIVERSE THAT SOMEBODY ELL’S COULD PUT THOSE 2 NAMES TOGETHER BY COINCEDENCE. TOTALY IMPOSSIBLE. WE BUMPED INTO THEM NIGGAS AT JACK THE RAPPER IN ATLANTA BACK IN 93 AND WE STEPPED TO THEM. ASK D.J. PREMEIR, GURU, LIL DAP, 40GLOCC AND A GANG OF OTHER WITNESSES THAT SAW THE CONFRONTATION. THEM NIGGAS WAS SHOOK.

#18 TIMBERLAND BOOTS…THESE RACIST FUCC’S OWE US MILLIONS. THEY NEVER DO AD’S USING BLACK PEOPLE OR RAPPERS AS MUCH AS WE PROMOTED THEY SHIT.

#19 WEB SITES, I HAD INFAMOUSSTORES.COM AND WAS WRITING BLOGS BACK IN 99 LONG BEFORE IT BECAME POPULAR IN HIP HOP TO HAVE A WEB SITE.

#20 PUTTIN THE VIDEO ON THE NET BEFORE PEOPLE EVEN HEAR THE SONG ON MIX-CD’S OR RADIO. MAC 10 HANDLE WAS THE FIRST VIDEO TO HIT THE NET FIRST, AND THE FIRST TIME SOMEBODY SHOT A BIG VIDEO FOR A MIX-CD PERIOD.

#21 NO MORE JEWELERY, RIMS, OR LIFESTYLE OF THE BEAST. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TREND SETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#22 NO MORE FLASHY, DANCY, RADIO FREINDLY , CLUB SONGS..HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TREND SETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#23 MAKING EXPOSING THE ILLUMINATI, SECRET GOVERNMENT AND HIDDEN TRUTHS THAT NEW HOT SHIT… PEOPLE DO IT, BUT NOT LIKE P. I BEEN DOIN IT SINCE 96… JUST LISTEN TO MY BEATS AND HOW I MAKE THIS SHIT SO THAT THE REAL HOOD NIGGAS CAN GET INTO IT…. THESE FAGGOT CONCIOUS RAPPERS WILL NEVER REACH THE CROWED OF KILLERS THAT I REACH….HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TREND SETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

#24 I MAKE OLD WASHED UP RAPPERS WANNA GO BACK IN THE STUDIO AND DO IT ONE MORE TIME!! THESE DUSTY, RUSTY, RETIRED RAP NIGGAS GET THAT OLD FEELING BACK WHEN THEY HEAR MY MUSIC AND SEE HOW I DONT STOP… ITS HILLARIOUS TO HEAR AND SEE THEM TRY TO KEEP IT COMING LIKE ME. WE NOT THE SAME HOMEBOY!!,,,,WHATS EVEN MORE FUNNY IS THE CONCIOUS RAPPERS THAT GET HYPE CAUSE THEY HEAR MY LYRICS AND THEY BE LIKE "yes our time is here" BUT NO YA TIME IS NOT! WE NOT THE SAME HOMEBOY!! YOU NOT A REBEL SOLDIER….YOU NOT A INSURGENT.. PLEASE….GO HOME

#25 DEMEROL, MORPHINE, HEROINE RAP’S,,,,,I STARTED SAYIN ALL THIS CAUSE I WRITE RHYME WHILE IM SICK IN THE HOSPITAL ACTUALLY GETTIN THESE DRUGS… SAYIN YA SHIT IS LIKE CRACK, COKE ANS WHAT HAVE YOU I STARTED DOING THAT BACK ON D.J. CLUE MIX TAPES FIRST TIME WAS ON THE MOTHERLESS CHILD BEAT…ME AND TY-NITTY

#26 I COULD JUST KEEP GOING BUT NOW I’M TIRED… HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY TREND SETTING, LOOK AT WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE.

Chapter 14 The Bell Doesn’t Dismiss You (Tedgens)

Hey there's a couple slurs that are gonna be thrown around a little later. Also some really bad parenting soooo Yeah. Heads up.

"I'm definitely Bi." I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I got here. I don't know how I got this lucky. I don't deserve this. Somethings going to go wrong. Good things aren't usually very permanent in my life.

"What did you lie about?" Henry looks almost scared. I probably shouldn't have phrased it like that. I don't I just thought it was a decent line.

I don't know how to phrase it, without it sounding off.

"You were the one who made me question..." Henry's smiling so much. I forgot what I was going to say. His smile is just so perfect. "You're adorable."

"I could say the same thing about you." Henry giggles. Just when I think he can't get more adorable he does.

"Can I kiss you again?" I don't know how I've resisted him for this long. I went almost an hour without kissing him, that's pretty impressive, I would say.

Henry nods with that dorky smile still plastered on his face. My heart feels like it's exploding, in like a good way.

I lean in and kiss him. He kisses back. His lips are so soft. Wow.

He wraps his arms around my neck pulling me closer to him. I instinctually put my arms around his waist. This is far more comfortable. I think this is the most pleasant kiss I've experienced in months. No one's drunk or crying! It's just pleasant. Everything is good in this moment.

I pull away for a second to catch my breath. Henry starts to move me backwards. My back hits the wall. Henry starts pushing into me more. My heart rate starts slowing down.

Henry pulls away for a second and looks me in the eyes. He starts to laugh. He steps away and leans up against the counter.

Did I do something wrong? Why is he laughing? God damnit.

"This isn't real." Henry starts laughing. He keeps laughing. That's the laugh of someone who is deeply sad. I've heard it before, in a couple of different people.

"I sure hope it is." I find that I am still up against the wall. I adjust my posture so I'm standing less awkwardly.

I never did understand that kind of mentality: The "this isn't real" thought process. I don't really have vivid dreams so I guess I don't have a good reference point. Just you're life is so definite, you are conscious. I don't understand how anyone could every doubt that. What's happening is happening. Denial is bad for everyone.

"Because I've lived my whole life, had my whole life up to this point and time. It would really suck if none of that was real." I know if that makes sense. I might just be spouting nonsense at Henry. Henry doesn't say anything. He looks back at me with almost a surprised expression. "I'm capable of existential thoughts, Henry." Not that I experience them that often.

Henry nods and kind of looks off. I walk over to him. There's a little bit of curly hair in his face, so I move it. Henry looks me in the eyes.

"So this is real. All of today happened." He seems unsure. He's so intelligent, you would think that stuff like this wouldn't be a problem for him.

"I'm pretty sure." I smile. Henry smiles back at me. I peak him on the nose. Henry reverts back to bright red.

We kind of just stand there smiling at each other. I familiarize myself with every detail of his face. He is unnecessarily attractive.

"Oh shit I smeared your lipstick." Henry starts rubbing the outline of my mouth. I could melt. I know he's trying to rub off the makeup, but I don't know. It feels intimate.

"I honestly completely forgot I had this on." I paid the pizza guy like this. And he didn't even bat an eye. He was either pretty progressive or did not give two shits.

Henry smiles a little. He stops rubbing my face. We stand in a comfortable silence, just staring at each other.

"So what do you want to do now?"

A lot of things...

No that would probably hurt him. I don't want to hurt his feelings. We can just have some good wholesome fun.

"Want to watch a movie?" I shrug slightly. Something low energy sounds really nice. It's been a long day and it would be really nice to relax.

Henry's eyes light up.

"West Side Story! I want to watch West Side Story!" Henry looks like he just realized that he yelled that out. "It's on Netflix." I can't help but to laugh. He's such a dork. It's really adorable. "Don't laugh at me." Henry does a little fake offended voice. He pushes me playfully. I want to grab his arm and pull him into another kiss, but I decide against it.

"I'm not!" I would say I was laughing with him but he wasn't laughing so that doesn't really work.

"Yes you are!" He's like a little kid.

"I'm not even laughing." It's good that I'm basically just a little kid too. The perfect balance of subtle immaturity.

"You were!" Henry takes a step towards me like he's trying to be intimidating. He maybe taller than me, but he's too cute to be intimidating, in this moment at least.

"Prove it." I take a step as well so we're head to head, less than a foot apart. We stare at each other, just waiting for someone to make a move. This tension is... interesting.

"Sooo, West Side Story." Henry finally breaks the silence. He smiles.

"Sounds good." If he enjoys it, it's probably a pretty good show. He seems like a pretty cultured guy, for the most part.

"Great!" I love his smile so much. I don't know what it is. It's just so perfect.

During the movie, I was able to pull off the arm around the shoulder thing. That lead to him leaning into me. It was so warm and nice. I don't know.

I don't know how I ever thought I was straight. I guess I didn't really know Henry. Henry might be the only guy I'm attracted to. But there was...

"I feel pretty

Oh, so pretty" Henry hums along.

"You are pretty." I can't stop myself from whispering in his ear. I can feel his face heat up from here.

"I feel pretty, and witty and gay"

"Pretty, witty and gay? That sounds familiar." It's not that I don't like the movie, it's just very serious at times. And yeah blah blah blah Romeo and Juliet, tragedy and whatever. But I'm just saying I would pay to see a version of this that's just the funny happy parts. A two hour long version of America.

"Shhhhh watch the movie." He's enjoying it. I came here for him, it's important that he's enjoying himself.

Henry head rests on my shoulder. I don't want to move, ever. I just want to stay like this, then one day I'll die, and it would have been a good life.

The movie ends. Henry looks up at me with big old puppy eyed waiting for my response.

"It was good." Romeo and Juliet is not my story. They just seem kind of naive. "I like the music."

"The music is the important part, at least in this one." I feel a rant coming on, "Leonard Bernstein is a genius. The music of this show is just so beautiful. The classical and the Latin music just." Henry makes some noises that I assume mean that it's too good for words, but I'm paraphrasing gibberish. "I don't know how to explain it."

"We'll just have to watch it again sometime." I smile down at him. He looks really happy. I'm really happy. This is just good.

I see something light up out of the corner of my eye. Shit my phone.

I've been getting messages and shit this whole time and I haven't been responding.

17 missed calls, 10 voicemails, and 59 text messages. Wow you would think someone died. Wait did someone die.

Mom: Get home now. We need to talk.

Keith: Who do you fucking think you are

He's in my fucking house again. What does that bastard think he's doing. I wish my mom fucking stayed away from him. He doesn't do anything but drink and scream. He doesn't pay rent. I don't think he has a fucking job.

What are they even mad about. What could I have possibly done. He's mad when I'm there, and he's mad when I'm not. He usually doesn't  care when I spend nights at other people's houses.

Keith: You disgust me

Like you're any better.

Mom: What is this

She sent me the picture I had taken with the makeup. Shit. Why did I post that. Fuck. I'm such a fucking idiot.

Keith: I knew you were a fucking faggot

Mom: Get home now

I'm scared to listen to the voicemails. I don't want to go home. Keith's definitely drunk. I want to go help mom but, she'll probably scream. I can't go home right now.

"Hey can I spend the night here?" I shouldn't load this on Henry. But I feel safe here. "I sleep on the couch."

"Yeah is everything alright?" Henry seems so genuinely concerned. He's not bill or Paul, he doesn't know the drill yet. I'm kind of sad he had to learn about this so early on.

"I just can't go home."

they hassle him non stop itches and pinches sickness and more and tons of berading talking smelling threats and attempts to harm him.  tonight will be different you losers will feel pain now and lots of it when you try picking up the phone like the addicts you and we wont go through it again. you wont get any inventions and you wont get our engineering we pull it all.  drain you  all to death in doing it.  meaning forg want it and will are pursuing you for it now. are at your door banging loudly, and will kill you for it..we are in forg garb too.  get it.  we shoot you for them they get in fights we do it now. on purpose....ok he had yoru women say it to you they knew hate you as they should.  are tough adn mean but hey you are much much meaner and stupider. lousy people  lame friends if that is what you call it and you suck so badly for calling us ok the idiot with the restaraunt  name we crucify you along with a few trillion others.  no...octillion....and we set it up you go there you are up on the cross immediatly..talking...we hear it all confessions and more...are at it need it ok.  and they call and we see who.  now you notice after piles and piles of you die a night...we pile you up too your so dambed stupid...fn fags.    Thor Freya you know what your problem is s...what they say..thats yoru problem you have to ask.  now it is evident you are lame here and the motif is too ruggid...grinds you down, you use a matrix all do and slices you up.  your cheap mean senile pukes as planned and die smiling about it. lose your intel and hardware, and troops and cloning, your personal lives too.  you did all this sold the beans and cow..and so on...and dont notice...have to ask. are told forget.  so what...we do taht. exactly. your free to die.  and that is how. pitiful deaths.  so shut up go away and crawl off pitiful wretches here you inane and die. i mean really how embarrassing do youu think it is...they see you converse no, spit blab harrass croak in all the wierdest ways and see your weak...forg take you..so you want to ramble now ok get it rolling do so we take you to the holes local ones so we can get him up and Thor says it was said nicely... Zues Hera it is what it is and that..your horses asses on purpose and have no idea the danger or results or immpmlications none.  we know. and you are a loser there...tons dont get it you blab to make sure.  how aweful for you and them.   to die like this at his hands.  and ours..withe ease by the way...he makes it look so easy tons of forgieners do it and find your willing to die.  nice touch. too adding you in the mix no. your a total  fool.  and your idiots pipe up knowing full well they croak hoping to injure him..so he is then injured. we do nothing for you still.  and you fall again immediatly.  and ask in ridiculous ways. a re p ushovers we push you over.  and yeh we can talk and talk and aare not you doesnt affect us like you...the sound attracts killers to you and machines monsters and they destroy you.  but your too busy having fun making faces in a camera like a three year old child....mostly girls. your so eradtic mean  hostile immediatly.  you lack the understanding here in fl. most of you.   Thor Freya right on the money. it is true most cant see it and blab and torture each other and into violence or poisonings and most are losers here are under the influence of methane and other. it is hell they are so bleak and lame and senile and stark.  this fn blows this state.  and the people fall fast too hours here and off ranting...he seems immune.truly does is not a ranter yes. but has a bit no.  and he is serious he is arguing with real ppl. you idiots put your point out over and over and over and over to nobody to find you hunched over your computer in the am dead or asleep or exhausted and nurse yourselves to life for a day..and do it again.  lame.  useless.  mean.  hostile. and yeh it is not rpoducing squat. mac is angry there it is and you all balk he said it and there is his grandaddy ashortly need it..and balk.  he will kill us prob your useless...they say no we work..so get off him..now. leave him bee he only sits. no. we need it now....so we hit now mac says true too these are all greedy shits and the lot and bja and others shitheads too so dumb. mean arrogant lame.  so tell me off you shit we hit you your a loser.  and your father says it you fn scum your ruined it the one who was supposed to help you ccould not produce one chopper and had it...i saw his eyes oh that is cool...then plop.  no movement for  weeks no sales no investors.  no fun nor entertainment only brooding.  so he says you stoppe him and he says  yup.  and he will yammer all night and die.  so what you are a fool. you stopped you and no you cant couldnt and he knows it blocks.  the german tape co.  price point but blocked a s they could have sold cheaper and didnt.  machines you see do it in germany and i knew and then this..w.e cant let you mac said.  horrible mac says and the bugs are atrocious attack and attack and attack. just like our whooses.  attack and attack and tons of it shpping nd working and it is so lame and bad forg trashed the north adn midwest and south adn weset.  east gone shortly..your out you fags. out. i demand it qe and pick me up mac and macs i will be in the ocean tonight or shortly within days...jons house he presets says he doenst know he does.  told us tons and you dont get it.  ratted you out on tons of stuff and nuances due to your inflammatory attitude.  and she is horrendous inlfuences him to f up his own stuff.  easily.  he is a failure. this is nonsene keeping them around, this is it im fed up he is so stupid he rants about him..and youi are influencing him to you shit.  and not forg.  he says so we use forg stuff. not for long we are there kicking you out they are too you braggot dead bitch. you are in the middle as caa pointed out and die fast. and have tech and data and intel we need back badly. we intercept you craft you idiot using his channel..your a liar.  qe happy weith yourself you got me in trouble,,,adn for years. cork your a frggin moron tell  me to get you in trouble to blame me  your technique and tons know.  trump and others rat on you you wont shut up stop or do anything that is rational.  and you started in on me to harm me with your you go in the garden...and you go in the museum and your von hagen every single day you still announce it  billium send in reports says how many times. then you try stuff, are huge pigs and are monitored.  your not allowed to harm me as you are.  you try you die you overstuffed imbicile...he means you are puffed up and mean so we hit you....and you are not to contact him ever nor lot or any of you. r estrtaining orders are on you all your within 100 feet in or out of the house you are down and out.  all of you die tonight by the way we dont allow you back to earth your a dunce ok.  Thor states and Freya issues orders...we need bigger teams yes...she says and sends.  i request we flatten three major areas of cork, take them seup bases and Thor says ten...we divvy now and prep to bomb shorlty we shall...and it goes now....we also hit the entire upper mid west and in corks name too....we present most of the crosses are him...take them down he orders no affect lets make haste...we shall...and ther eis none...toss them all into holes seek out all cloning...and birthing and we did all the quetioning and they thought they would be freed we hit in fl and elsewhere using it and he is happy.  yes bja rememered your idiotic questino. happy you will die as he has tried to kill  you for many years..has been successul tons of times.. of course happy idiot. Zues Hera   we launch a full blown program now against cork and use it all.  this is nonsense he does and on purpose to distract us we use it on him. Freya  we use it too his inane comments and messing with him with bugs...tons say it off  turn off the compouter nah Thor macs mimic try to use it and try too hard. as do others...it is easy ok to see why. Zues we use it ok mimic those copying the orders using them on you and your assholes cork your a friggin asshole...we shoot you at each meetup ok your a faggot and wont shut up. Hera we see your guts as we enter and exit.  we hate you cork you fup so often adn to no gain.  your a shit too.  we fire you now mac daddy how lame of an answwer bja how lame of an act you ddi not conceal a thing so why hsould i ever react differently i have to defend myself and do wihtout hesitation, as you revealed yourself so many times adn are so frigin lame at your job Zues oh bja yeh oh little shit Zues go to hell cork now. i command it all those in my service you are to follow this order Thor and Freya Hera and Olympus shall enter....grab them all you see them grab them....and they send it now.  out.  stuff them in holes let us raise our Armies not our tempers....it is fruitless work cork wants and does not much affect but he is a miscreant and terrorist raises them trains them and lets hit his training camps..now Zues Hera anyohter comment corks you want more.   Hera nah we get it we are out cork oh you get it snide asshole. you shall Hera you shall yes.  we invade Savage Oppress says you blabbed macs plan and yours.

You took some of the guys shopping in tiny little markets with products that didn't always look optimal. Was that a culture shock for you?

I'd lived in West Virginia on and off for four to five years growing up. I'm familiar with Bible Belt, with Appalachia, Hillbilly Elegy.

I didn't go in completely blind, but the way that I come off... I come off as a white straight dude to a lot of people, so I never had to deal with any of those pressures of even gay bullying.

I remember it was our first day of filming, and we were in the car heading to Tom Jackson's. The guys were discussing being called a fag, and no one's ever called me that before. I felt this weird discomfort of, "Oh my gosh, I don't even know what that's like. I've heard about it, but I've never really experienced it." I was raised in Montreal, which is very multicultural, very liberal. Then I moved to New York. I've always been really sheltered, so to hear their stories, it really had me thinking a lot of the kind of life that I want to lead and the fact that this show came about and the responsibility that comes with it. Not to put too much pressure on myself, but also not to take it lightly and know that I have a voice and that I can use it.

On the flipside, I've lived in New York my entire life and the only time I've been called a faggot as an adult was by a passing car in Hell's Kitchen three years ago. It opens your eyes to the fact that hatred exists everywhere.

It really does. And I'm learning it at the age of 33, whereas a lot of gay kids out there have to learn it at a much younger age, which is just really shitty and really upsets me.

It reminds me that there's a lot of work to be done. The show coming up, we've been asked this question countless times: Why now? It's like, okay, so the show stopped airing for 12 to 15 years, but the conversation has still gone on. Just because it's not going on in a public sphere as much as it was when the show was out there on Bravo, it's still there. These topics are still very relevant.

You said in another interview something that I also related to, which was that when you started spending time with these guys, you realized you'd not had a gay friend group like that before going into it. It took me a while after coming out to also find my people, and I wonder if you've ever taken a step back to figure out why that was the case for you?

I mean, yeah. I think it has to do with the fact that my path is also very different from that of my castmates. I've had more lasting relationships with women than I've had with men. I've had two real relationships with men and actually dated a guy, and then I went back to girls for several years. Now I'm in my relationship now as of seven years.

I had a similar journey with women.

There definitely was a little bit of a denial there, but it was something that at the time, I really feel like I was being true to myself given where I was at in my life and what I was prepared to deal with, or the kind of life that I had wanted for myself. There's no regrets there, but it also shaped things in a way where I just didn't have that much exposure to what gay culture was.

In my first relationship, it was very much about the gay clubs and the night scene and the party drugs and going to those gay staple destination vacations, a.k.a. Mykonos, which is so much more than that, but it's also that, and that part is beautiful as well. I realized that I had jumped into it too far thinking that that's what I was supposed to do.

You put on an identity that you realized wasn't yours.

Yes! I put on the suit, the suit being a Speedo. I still wear Speedos, but anyway. Then I just took a step back and realized and started thinking, "Oh, maybe that's not exactly who I'm supposed to be. Some people have their sexuality is really at the forefront of who they are, and I applaud those people. You look at somebody like Jonathan, who I envy the comfort that he has in his own skin.

With him, it's just he's just Jonathan, and he's always that same person. I've had a lot of shifts. It's been more of a metamorphosis and figuring out who I am, and I still think that I'm on that path. It's actually changed over the summer as well. A friend of mine, they're like, "You definitely got a little gayer over the summer hanging out with these guys." I actually smiled back with a prideful, joyful smile of like, "Yeah, I guess I did!"

I'm learning every day. Jonathan comes to mind with that because we are so different, but what I've learned from him is I just... I wish I met him when I was a little kid. It's kind of like the flashback scenes of Will & Grace when they go to Jack, and it's just he's this guy who is who he is, and that's it. If we all had a friend like that, maybe my path would have been different. I'm just grateful that I get to know him now.

--  Queer Eye's Antoni Porowski Knows You're Thinking About Him

Just A Guy I Like (Part 3/?)

TOMHOLLANDxMALEREADER

(1,293 words)

Warnings: Swearing, I think i used the “F” word (not fuck the other one) like once (YES LOLA THE DRAG QUEEN IS LOLA FROM KINKY BOOT AND I QUOTE THE MOVIE, BITE ME BITCH)

A/N: Hi this part is later than i thought it was gonna be up so sorry but put that in the past cuz the next part was so much fun to write!!! IDK if i”ll do more than four parts it is still unknown to me! If you want more lemme know!

part one, part two,  Masterlist

THIS IS THE SONG LOLA SING (i’ll add a link when its time for the song too) SONG LINK  there might be an add not my song or vid!

The last week with Tom was amazing, he was so sweet and funny and when the two of you were together there was endless smiles. Your feelings for him got stronger every day and you think his did to, but one thing about him has been a huge road block in your relationship, his sweet face was still buried deep in the closet. Of course, you were supportive of his choice to take thing slow but you weren’t going back into that dark cesspool of self-hate people call the closet for any man no matter how sexy!

           Three knocks came at the front door and you flung it open “We paid rent you fat asshole, oh sorry Tom” you say shyly as he walks in “Well good-morning to you too” he snickered unpacking a breakfast from a brown paper bag “What’s all this” you ask sitting at the tiny table “This is a celebratory…” he checks his watch “Brunch” he finally says “What are we celebrating exactly” you asks dipping your finger in a cup of maple syrup “I came out to my mum and dad last night” his voice raises you off the chair “Oh, Tommy that’s amazing,” you pull him into a tight embrace “I couldn’t have done it without you!” he whispers into your ear “I’m so proud of you” you smoosh his face like grandma “Alright, Alright, They took it well thanks for asking” he laughed pulling your hand down “Where’s Maggie I brought her some”  “I don’t think she came home last night, Some people go to church on Sunday Mags and I usually get SHITFACED and do stupid shit” you giggle “SO you have no idea where she is” he ask a bit of concern in his tone “Well she could either be sleeping at a friend’s house, or she could be in Mexico being a drug maul for the cartel, either one she’ll be home for diner” you say buttering your toast “Let’s go out tonight, to a club” a long silence come after your statement, Tom never wanted to go out because in public a famous actor is heavily watched  and if he slipped up he could be outed in a second “You know I hate going out, I feel like I have to be so straight out there, and you don’t help every time we’re out together you do cute shit” he huffed “What can I say I’m just so naturally charming and beautiful, come on, I know this great little club in west Hollywood, come on, Please.” You stick out your bottom lip. He stares at you for a long moment before finally agree to a few drinks and a dance “I’ll pick you up hear at seven?” he asked “Pick me up in the alley it won’t be a long drive!” “Good plan.”

             “I don’t know about this” Tom said “We’re here already and I do not want to waste an outfit” giving in, he exits the car pulling his hood up another part of your plan to make sure no one knows who he is till your inside. The line is long but it’s no matter you called a friend, passing the line you saunter up to the larger door man. “Lines back that way” he said pulling his sunglasses down “Your new aren’t you” “Yup” his monotone voice means you’re not gonna have any fun toying with this one “I’m a friend of Lola” the large man tenses “Mr. Quinn” “Last time I checked” the man moves aside “Enjoy your evening boys” “Thanks Sweetheart” you pat his large chest as you walk by.

             Inside the club queens of all shapes and sizes walk the floor some with trays of drinks, some dancing, some prepping the stage. “Drinks?” you ask tom who has shed his hoodie and is marveling at the shimmering lights, the small stage, all the fancy gays wearing body glitter “Uh, sure” you walk to the bar and order four shot taking them you hear music start to play “She about to go on lets go” you pull him along to the dance floor where everyone is gathering in front of the stage “Who” he laughs “Lola” “Oh, your friend”  your response in drown out by the crowds cheers as a beautiful Queen walks on stage clad in thigh high red leather boot, a matching red dress, her chocolate skin shining with glitter and gloss. Her boots click against the hard stage as she puts her hand up, the crown stops. “Ladies, Gentlemen, those of you who are yet to make up your mind. I am Lola, my club is a place where anyone and everyone is…SEXY” (SONG TIME) the crowd cheers as she begins to sings the beat picks up as dancers arrive on stage. Tom pulls you close as the music booms and the two of you begin to dance. The vodka has kicked in now and your both having an amazing time. Tom suddenly stops dancing to the beat when he sees a man with a camera snapping pictures of him dancing, when their gazes meet the man give him a sinister smirk and begins to push past the crowd. Tom grabs your arm and pulls you along as he chases the man outside “What wrong?” you ask waving to Lola on stage before you exit the club

             A car is pulled up in front of the club a small man sitting inside “Check your email ya fa-“ “There are like forty drunk drag queen outside I wouldn’t finish that sentence” you snap as Tom lunges toward the car, it speeds off. “Tom come back” you shout as he chases the car “Me running after shots this should be fun” you mumble to yourself as you run to Tom who is frantically flipping through his phone “What’s wrong” you put a hand on his arm and he shrugs it off “This is what’s wrong” he shoves his phone in your face you quickly read the email,

           ‘Give me five thousand dollars within twenty-four hours or I send this picture to every news outlet I can’

“Tom,” you start “I knew we shouldn’t have gone out tonight” he growls “Let’s go” “Tom, just calm down” you try “CALM DOWN, you want me to calm…“ he shout hitting his car “I’m about to get outed to the world and you want me to calm down!” his voice cracks as he is on the verge of tears. “Tom all he has is a picture of you dancing at a night club” you speak slowly “A drag club in West Fucking Hollywood” he shout “Look, your proud and that’s great but I’m not ready to be…” “to be a faggot like me, I get it” you turn and walk away tears clouding your vision “Vin, that’s not what I meant just please get in the car, I’ll take you home” he pleads “I’ll find my own way thanks” you try so hard to be strong when inside you feel like falling to the ground sobbing “Please” he tries again “Fuck off, Tom” you yell turning to look at him as a tear escapes you eye and falls down your face “Fine, have it your way” he barks angrily getting in his car and driving off. You enter an alley all your tears breaking free you reach into your pocket “Fuck” you forgot your phone in his car, you kick trash can. Were you really going to have to get on a bus, you couldn’t go back into the club like this and you really weren’t in the partying mood. Walking down the alley a man comes out from behind a corner, turning you see one behind you as well. “Why tonight”

if you missed the song it like really good so like just saying

 Here are some beautiful KITTENS: @midtownvaledictorian @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @tiemeupspidey @captain-katie-xx  @panicatttckiss @champagneholland @seilamigliorcosacheabbiamaivisto @mendes-holland @maggie-starz @natalie-kn  @vaeyron @wonderyoung @ging3r-fall @louisnholland @little-weirdo-13 @calumminter @sunshiineandmoonliight @m-snop @tomhstories