I am fucking livid rn I seriously fucking despise online ace folks (not gonna say aspec bc I personally haven't seen aros get involved in this bullshit to the extent aces do and a lot of the time aros are bearing the brunt of terminally online stupidity not causing it) who will make anything mildly related to having relationships without sex about asexuality and/or aphobia. I'm sorry but it's so weird to see a court case about a woman trying to get legal marriage benefits she was denied due to her partner being a woman and their relationship being invalidated bc of the historically misogynistic and lesbophobic "well maybe they didn't have sex" argument and then all of these online bitches speculating about her sexuality so much that they've decided it's a hashtag victory over aphobia specifically.

Asexuals are not inherently homophobic or lesbophobic, but asexuals who ignore systemic homophobia and lesbophobia and make the effects of homophobia and lesbophobia about aphobia are homophobic and lesbophobic. Asexuals are not inherently biphobic, but asexuals who equate aphobia with biphobia are biphobic. And that's not to say something can't be both homophobic and aphobic or lesbophobic and aphobic or biphobic and aphobic, but guess what??? If you're not a lesbian, you don't get to make lesbophobia about your experience as an asexual. If you're not bisexual, you don't get to make biphobia about your experience as an asexual. Shit like this is why I still get anxious about talking about my ace experience irl because there is an overwhelming number of online asexuals who are so goddamn selfish they will make the struggles that other LGBT people face about themselves and by extension diminish the real quantifiable impact said struggles actually have.

I'm not a lesbian. I have no idea what it's like to be a lesbian—conceptually, I understand what it is, but I cannot experience it. I can face hate and vitriol for dating a woman, which is rooted in misogyny and (in my particular case, misaimed) lesbophobia, but I cannot experience the same exact struggles a lesbian does bc I am not a lesbian. I cannot comment on the lesbian experience because I am not a lesbian. Yeah, I have experienced struggles bisexual women face, which have overlap with some aspects of some lesbian experiences since we are all WLW and therefore all face misogyny, due to my experience as someone who is both bi and ace, but I am not an ace lesbian so I cannot comment on overlapping asexual and lesbian experiences or, by extension, overlapping aphobia and lesbophobia. A non-lesbian asexual cannot experience overlap with lesbophobia and aphobia, so a non-lesbian asexual has no fucking business talking over lesbians (including ace lesbians!!!!) and making lesbophobia about aphobia.

There is no world in which talking over other LGBT individuals about prejudices which exist to target other LGBT identities helps combat aphobia. Making lesbophobia about aphobia does not help ace lesbians, making homophobia about aphobia does not help ace gays, making biphobia about aphobia does not help bi aces, etc. Making other LGBT issues about asexuality doesn't help the LGBT community. People who do this are hurting both our LGBT siblings and other asexuals, and for what???? Validation that they're also oppressed????? Asexuality isn't about not having sex or not wanting to have sex, and it's both incorrect by definition and actually aphobic to treat asexuality as wanting sexless relationships or suggest that all sexless relationships are due to one or more partners being asexual. Asexuality is about sexual attraction. That's no different than any other sexuality. It's not about celibacy or sex-repulsion or if you've ever fucked someone before.

And holy shit but I haven't even touched on how this behavior also hurts aros—you know, the even less represented and understood aspecs. Saying that QPRs are strictly "romantic but not sexual" is literally wrong, not to mention that phrasing excludes aros who, you know, fucking pioneered the term BTW, not alloromantic asexuals who abstain from sex. Looking at two women's relationship that's being invalidated by accusations regarding their lack of sex life and saying "well this is aphobic bc they could be in a sex-free but romantic relationship" is not only lesbophobic but also erases aromantic experiences.

This is very disjointed and disorganized but mother of god it's not okay to invalidate someone's identity or experience just bc the perpetrator is asexual!!!! If it's not okay for the evil cishetallos to dismiss shit like homophobia and lesbophobia then why is it okay when aces dismiss them by conflating them with aphobia????

Perhaps an old post, I just came across it on my dash - but why isn't it more feasible to work towards using 'asexual' to mean 'attraction to no one', than it is to use it as 'sexual attraction to no one'? Other forms of '-sexual' solely indicate who someone's attracted to, to begin with, so wouldn't it be easier to work towards using asexual as a term to indicate the genders someone's attracted to (in this case, none), and encourage use of a different term for people with no sexual attraction?

It’s because the entire ace community centers their “activism” (if we can even call it that) around not experiencing sexual attraction and that is the more common definition.

And because then people who don’t experience sexual attraction wouldn’t have a label whereas if you have ace and then aroace and then aro, everyone has a label. Asexual, if it only means “attracted to no one,” leaves a lot of people without labels and that just can’t be a thing.

Ace politics gear towards “labels and microlabels for everyone!” Indeed, most ace politics are centered around inclusive language and language for every type of experience. Whereas sexuality was only broadly described before the ace community began–Straight/Gay/Bi (the most splintering happening here being Bi vs Pan)–now asexuality has spawned dozens upon dozens of microlabels–lithro, grey, demi, cupio, abro, alterous, queerplatonic, quasiplatonic, -flux, -alterous, fray–with no intention of ever stopping.

Asexuality needs broad language and also needlessly specific language to survive as a community and as a concept. It works with the intention of implying as many peolel as possible fall under the “ace spectrum.” And you can see it there with that term alone–spectrum. There is no gay spectrum. Despite what MOGAI insists, there is no bi spectrum. We don’t need to imply people are more or less gay or bi or straight. You either are or you aren’t.

But asexuality needs language that includes as many people as possible because otherwise no one fucking cares about it. End of. No one cares. But if you convince enough people that they ARE ace, that their muddled and hurt feelings make them ace, well… then suddenly more people care. It’s like a magic fix it.

But when ace means something specific and pretty unrelatable to most people–attracted to no one–it loses that flavor, that mass appeal. Confused teenagers don’t fall for that. (Well, some do. I did.) It’s a harder sell.

But demi-panplatonic heteroalterous?

It’s a surprisingly easy sell when you have masses of vulnerable people who don’t understand their feelings but desperately want somewhere to belong.

Asexual as “attracted to no one” appeals to a limited few. Asexual as “does not experience sexual attraction but maybe can in specific situations or maybe you just want to have sex still and maybe you still want to date and maybe you do experience sexual attraction AND want to have sex but struggle with separating platonic from romantic feelings” appeals to a lot of confused people.

Teenagers, LGBT people struggling with romantic and sexual feelings, survivors, mentally ill people… the confusion in ace language mimics the confusion they feel in real life.

It’s just good marketing.