#virtual psychosis
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VIRTUAL PSYCHOSIS
it can be easy to lose touch with reality
Twitter: @mentalbarfwtf
Mental Barf 2022
mentalbarf.wtf
#mentalbarf#mental barf#virtual psychosis#glitch#glitch art#glitch aesthetic#dark glitch#dark art#psychosis#mental health#hacker#drugs#guns#ledger#crypto#crypto art#crypto artist#digital drawing#digital artist#eyes#looking#paranoia#tezos#tezos art#tezos nft#clean nft#plugged in#computer glitch
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SENSUIPILLED Visualizer Loop MV ♱ feat. [𝙨𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙥𝙨𝙮𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙨] on vocals. ⚠️ TW: Eyestrain ⚠️
This is the visualizer for our NEW single SENSUIPILLED which is out now on Spotify, iTunes & all other platforms~
E n j o y! ♡
【 ☆ ko-fi | ɪɢ | ᴛɪᴋᴛᴏᴋ | ʏᴏᴜᴛᴜʙᴇ | ♫ spotify ☆ 】
#Youtube#new music#music#indie#electropop#d&b#drum & bass#sister psychosis#oc art#artists on tumblr#neoncore#cybercore#illustration#2d animation#modern sainthood#virtual band#serial experiments lain#um jammer lammy#tw: eyestrain
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here's the big self dx email i'm going to send to my psychologist. (the diagnostic parts of it at least). i prefaced it with a bunch of "please don't think i'm being attention seeking though attention seeking is part of npd which i'm self dx'ing as having traits of so if that counts towards it then you can totally think i'm being attention seeking but i've put a hell of a lot of time and thought into this i didnt just read the dsm criteria and decide i had it thanks~"
Schizotypal Personality Disorder: I know there’s a lot of overlap with autism and borderline personality disorder, but I really think I meet the criteria for a 3 of those separately. I honestly think I meet every single criteria for schizotypal PD to at least some degree.
Ideas of reference – I do get these, I tend to see “signs” and omens in a lot of things, like songs on the radio or a particular bird flying overhead. They tend to be small things that I notice and think that it’s directed at me or meant for me to see.
Odd beliefs or magical thinking - One thing is that I often see something nearby (usually my glasses case or something similarly non-reflective) flashing and when I look directly at it it stops, and I get the feeling that it’s being “cheeky”. I guess some of my more psychotic thoughts fit here too (I talk about them below). One thing I have is that I feel like I need to watch any plane or helicopter that flies over until I can’t see it anymore because if I don’t it’ll explode and then all the people will die, which will be my fault because I didn’t watch it to make sure it doesn’t happen. Even though I know that doesn’t make any sense and hundreds of planes fly around without me ever seeing them and they’re perfectly safe! I also avoid looking at myself in mirrors at night because the “mirror demons” can get me then.
Unusual perceptions/illusions – apparently dissociation comes under this which we know I experience a lot. Also apparently it’s fairly common for people with schizotypal personality disorder to feel like their faces look weird or not really recognising themselves which I struggle with, though that could also be dissociation.
Odd thinking & speech - I think this one is more for other people to judge than me. I think my thoughts are different to others but of course I don’t know other’s thoughts so I’m only going off people not understanding me when I try to explain something in a way that makes perfect sense to me. (I’ve had this problem with essays, where my teachers don’t get how I got to a conclusion or what my reasoning is when it makes sense to me).
Suspicion or paranoia – I get paranoid a lot when I’m driving and someone seems to be following me, for example. I’ve sometimes gone down a different street or taken a different route when I don’t need to so I can “shake them”. The two times I’ve been in hospital I get paranoid about the medication they give me, I’m scared it’s going to be some kind of mind control drug or something other than what it is. (Doesn’t stop me from taking it though).
Inappropriate or flat emotional affect – Also something more for others to judge and not me. Also part of autism so I don’t know.
Strange behaviour or appearance – Another one for others to judge. I don’t think I do have strange behaviour or looks aside from what could be dismissed as autistic awkwardness.
Lack of close friends, other than family – yes. I did have one friend but she stopped talking to me and I don’t know why. I didn’t make any friends throughout uni, (granted 2 years were fully online), and I was on good terms with the people in my class at Tafe but not enough to keep in contact with them.
Social anxiety – We’ve talked about social anxiety before. I remember when I was seeing [old psych] she asked about it and I said it was like a fear of being seen, as in known/understood. Like I’m scared of getting close to people I guess. Which I also want which makes it tricky! I don’t really want friends because I find other people so hard to relate to and figure out, but I do also want friends, I get lonely.
Obsessive ruminations – I do have these and I’ve talked about it below. I think a lot about things like violence and gore and cannibalism (ties into my werewolf thing) but it doesn’t disturb me. I think a lot about sex as well but not in a fantasising way, just… thinking about it. I often have the exact same thought multiple times a day, sometimes quickly and sometimes hours in between. It gets to the point where I tell myself “I’ve already thought about all this, stop going over it again and again!”. There’s one particular thought that I’ve had pop into my head for years, it’s the exact same sentence every time.
Dyscalculia: I’m not sure if this is in some other medical ballpark or psychological, so I don’t know if you’re the right person to talk to about this one, but I’m 100% sure I have this.
I can’t tell the time on an analog clock, I can’t tell left from right, I failed maths in high school (and just barely passed the easiest required level of maths in college) and I would definitely fail a maths test now.
I have to count on my hands for even simple maths, I can’t look at a group of something and tell how many are there without counting them, I don’t know the times tables (even the 2x table, I get to 12 and then I have to actually think about it).
I’m terrible at budgeting and knowing how much I’ll have left over if something costs whatever amount and I have however much money.
I never remember if Tuesday or Thursday comes first which I think is a sequencing problem that’s part of dyscalculia?
I can’t read maps very well, I struggle with directions and distances, and I struggle with time (keeping track of time, how long something will take, if something takes 5 minutes I don’t know if it’s actually been 5 minutes or not).
I can’t work out money, like for example when I worked at the shop on the cash register I didn’t know how to work it (because no one showed me) so I was working out the change by hand and always got it wrong (the customers would have to tell me which was always embarrassing!).
Apparently spatial awareness and proprioception issues are part of dyscalculia too which I definitely struggle with (learning to drive was scary because of this). (Also an autism thing).
Schizoid Personality Disorder: I think I have some traits of this but not the full on thing. This one also overlaps with autism (and schizotypal and borderline personality disorders) so I’m willing to accept it’s just that.
Doesn’t enjoy close relationships - yes and no. I like friendships but not making them, and they often seem a lot more trouble than they’re worth. But I still get lonely.
Almost always chooses to be alone – yes, I’m much more comfortable alone than with others. Some of it is social anxiety, some of it is just… it’s nicer that way.
Asexual – yes, we’ve talked about that. Though I would like to mention I’m also bisexual, on the very rare occasions when I am attracted to people.
Finds little pleasure in activities – sometimes, though I think this is more of a depression thing. I do struggle with anhedonia & avolition a fair bit though
Lacks close friends, other than family – already talked about above.
Appears indifferent to praise or criticism – yeah… I like getting praise but I also don’t really care if I don’t? Unless it’s something super important to me. Same with criticism, I don’t care unless it’s very important.
Flat/cold emotional affect – also something for other people to judge.
(These are from the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual):
Highly sensitive, shy, easily overstimulated – I’m not highly sensitive but I am shy and easily overwhelmed. That’s probably just autism though.
Fear of & longing for closeness – Yes, already talked about that
Emotional pain when overstimulated – I don’t really know what this means, unless it’s talking about emotions being overwhelming when you’re already overwhelmed? Which is true for me.
Feels like dependency and love are dangerous – I do feel like this sometimes but I think it’s more of a trauma response
Physically withdraws and mentally withdraws into fantasy – yes, but also a trauma/dissociation/autism thing
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: this one I’m not so sure of… I feel like the furthest away from narcissistic as you can get. But at the same time I relate to a lot of the more covert symptoms and experiences, though again that might just be the result of other things like borderline personality disorder and autism.
Grandiosity - One thing I attribute to this is what I call “selfish selflessness”, where I want to be the best at caring for people (mum, mostly). I want to be the most caring and thoughtful person but not because it’s a good thing to be or it benefits others, but because it would make people think highly of me. I’m thinking of the benefits I get from benefiting others. It’s so I will be appreciated, I will be the favourite child/friend/etc, I will be the most loving (and therefore the most loved…) – I’m doing nice things for others for me, not for them, even though they think it’s for them (and I let them think that). (Obviously other people are just happy that I’m doing whatever nice thing for them so it’s not actually a problem, I just don’t think this is why you’re supposed to do it!). I also see myself as superior to people who don’t do nice things for others. For example if I do something nice for mum but none of my siblings do, I think of myself as better than them.
Fantasies of power/success/ideal love - do revenge fantasies count as power, and imagining your ideal life [of being an unemployed hermit on a small farm lol] as success? Does “ideal” have to mean in a “this is what capitalist society sees as ideal” or can it be a personal ideal?
Belief of being special/unique - well… yeah… in a “I’m special/unique because I’m [insert marginalised identity] and therefore should be treated differently/better” way? like, “I’m The Most Mentally Ill”..
Requires admiration – I don’t know about this one… I do feel like I need positive/impressed reactions to my social media posts but I think that’s probably pretty normal
Sense of entitlement - see above
Exploitative - yeah, but like I said above, it’s a hidden sort of exploitation where others think it benefits them too
Lacks empathy - I don’t think I feel empathy, or at least not very much. I find it hard to believe that people actually feel what other people are feeling… how would anyone get anything done if they’re feeling other people’s emotions as well as their own! I don’t think my lack of empathy is a problem (I don’t lack compassion which I think is more important), I just wanted to make a note of it.
Envious or believes others are envious of them - Not really. I am envious in terms of like “I wish I was rich so I didn’t have to struggle through life” or “I wish I had a caring partner like so-and-so” but I think that’s normal
Arrogant - internally, yes, but not outwardly?
I think I do have fragile self-esteem & need others to boost it, but only to some extent. I’m also not a perfectionist.
There’s a psychologist named Elinor Greenberg whose written about “covert narcissism” which I think I fit some of. She says covert narcissists are conflicted about attention because they’re scared of it but also craves and needs it. I think that’s true for me, but it also sounds more like a trauma response than narcissism. She talks about using ‘acts of service’ as their way of being admired, which I mentioned before. She also says that people with covert narcissism have trouble with assertiveness and have trouble saying no, which we know I struggle with.
Some kind of eating disorder. Ones that stand out for me in particular: Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, Binge Eating Disorder, Anorexia Nervosa. These are tricky because it might just be autism sensory issues plus gender dysphoria and internalised fatphobia, but it also might not be. When I was living alone I would have definitely fit the bill for binge eating disorder, but since moving back home I don’t anymore. That’s just one to keep an eye on for when I move out again. Anorexia I think is more in my thoughts than my actions, since my actions (i.e. avoiding food) are more driven by sensory issues and executive functioning. But I definitely have thoughts and urges of food restriction. So another one to keep an eye on. I just remembered that we once talked about this and how it could be a sort of “subconscious self-deprivation”, like a “you don’t deserve to eat” thing rather than a “don’t eat so you’ll get skinny” thing. Though it definitely has elements of both. Plus the hunger cues problems we’ve talked about before, and the general disinterest in food and sensory issues. I also hate eating food in public because I feel like I’m being judged, which is probably around body image and fatphobia and maybe schizotypal ideas of reference?
Possibly Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder: we’ve spoken before about attention and executive functioning problems, and how it can be because of dissociation (and autism?). I’m on the fence about this one, I know ADHD and autism have a lot of overlap. I definitely don’t have any hyperactive symptoms (except sometimes restlessness but that’s probably normal now and then). But I relate a lot to what I hear people with ADHD say about their attention problems and need for stimulation.
If something is boring, I have a really hard time getting myself to do it, and we’ve talked a lot about procrastination problems.
I have trouble paying attention for more than say, half an hour at most. (I admit I zone out during our sessions occasionally…).
I have trouble planning out things like assignments, I find it easier just to jump in. But that often makes my essays seem all over the place and unstructured. (I also never proofread them or did drafts or anything which didn’t help…).
I’ve always had this problem where my brain is just. really noisy? It got better when I started antidepressants (I remember telling the doctor who prescribed them that my brain was quieter and she gave me this weird look) but it’s still such a problem that it interferes with getting to sleep. It feels like there’s “layers” to my thoughts, with conscious thinking on top and then underneath there’s subconscious thinking (things like, “I’m hungry”, “it’s raining” etc), usually a song or two playing, a daydream, a clip from a movie or a part of a book (I don’t think this is what most people mean when they say something is “playing on their mind” but for me it’s literally like there’s a DVD player in my brain with whatever part of a movie I’m thinking about playing on a loop)
Whenever I read someone’s experience of getting medicated for ADHD I always wish that I could try ADHD medication because it sounds amazing.
I also think I have auditory processing issues which seem linked to ADHD (also not sure if that’s a psychiatric thing or a medical thing).
There’s an ADHD expert (Richard Barkley...?) who’s come up with something called “sluggish cognitive tempo” which I relate to a lot. All that said, I know that ADHD has a lot of overlap with autism so it could just be that.
Possibly Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder traits: mostly because of my obsession with diagnoses, really. I had symptoms of this when I was a kid (repetitive hand washing, obsessing over natural disasters, impulses around symmetry and needing things to be Just Right…) and probably would’ve been diagnosed if I had seen someone about it then, but not now. I think it was probably some kind of trauma response? I think I ruminate a lot now (as in schizotypal PD) but not to an OCD degree, except I am obsessive about finding disorders that I may or may not have. I do find it interesting but I don’t really get any joy out of it, and it takes up a lot of my time, which is why I’ve thought sometimes about having traits of OCD (definitely not the full disorder though).
Complex PTSD: you’ve said “complex trauma” a lot but I don’t know what that means in a diagnostic sense. I think we’ve spoken enough about trauma that I don’t really need to justify why I think I have CPTSD.
Emotional dysregulation – we’ve talked about this a lot
Feeling worthless & guilty/ashamed – yes.
Relationship problems – I don’t know… I’ve talked a fair bit about relationships in the above parts. I do feel like I don’t really belong a lot. Like I’m different from other people in some deep, fundamental way and not in a good or special sense.
Plus PTSD & trauma symptoms and DID and dissociation…
I also want to bring up some reoccurring psychotic thoughts I have. The werewolf/dog one is there all the time, though sometimes stronger than other times (full moons always). The other most frequent one is being dead, which is there say… 8 days out of 10. I also quite often believe that my cat is actually a very lifelike robot. The other reoccurring ones are feeling like I only exist when others are interacting with me (which we already talked about and probably is more a dissociation/trauma thing but I think it could be both that and psychosis-ish) and sometimes I feel like I’m a prophet of some kind. I don’t know for who. It’s more feeling sort of like a god or like I’m supposed to have some higher purpose I guess. I also believe there’s a little wolf (sometimes a snake) who lives in my stomach and eats my feelings which is why it’s hard to feel them. None of these are particularly distressing except for the not existing one. I also used to think a lot that people (dad in particular) could read my mind, and to prevent my thoughts from being broadcast I would imagine a sort of cocoon around me that kept my thoughts in. I haven’t had to do that for a while, but it used to be multiple times a day. I think all of these psychotic experiences could be part of schizotypal PD but if they warrant a different disorder then I’m open to that too.
I recently found out about something called “pathological demand avoidance”… I absolutely did that as a kid and still do to some degree. That doesn’t really have anything to do with the rest of this email, I just remembered about it and wanted to note it. I guess it’s similar to the self-sabotage in borderline PD?
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phew. that's a lot. tumblr kept telling me there was a 4096 text characters per block limit lol...
(keep in mind this was written for my psychologist as the audience and not for general tumblr so when i say "you" or "we" i'm referring to her & i, not YOU or you in a general sense. and some of it i literally copy-pasted from posts i've made here about "i think i have x" lol.
#personal#dogpost#long post#no bold#emphasis on LONG post#hs' psychosis#hs' ed#hs' autism#dingo's ... everything lol#potentially psychosis triggering content#100% sure i have cptsd & stpd & dyscalculia. the rest im more iffy on#this is in addition to my existing diagnoses of autism + DID + generalised & social anxiety + BPD#do you ever wish there was like a blood test or scan or something you could do that would tell you everything that was wrong with you ever?#i do.#if you read all of this... i admire your dedication! virtual cookies or [favourite food]#i plan to write about pathological demand avoidance soon btw!#this is ok to interact with & its ok to ask questions about it too btw
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idk why i hide being delusional from here. maybe like a don't shit where you eat sort of thing
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Sometimes, when talking about the current psychiatric system, we get lost in anger and don’t look towards alternatives and what a better tomorrow might look like. Here’s some cool mental health/psychiatry reform things that I think are neat (Somewhat US centric bc that’s where I live). Lots of them focus on psychosis, because I think psychosis is a sorely ignored subject in mental health activism.
US Peer Respite Directory - A list of voluntary, community-based, non-clinical crisis support group-home like environments that are staffed by people with lived experience of mental illness and/or lived experiences in the psychiatric system.
Students With Psychosis - A nonprofit that empowers students with psychosis through virtual programming, support groups, etc. They’re run by the amazing Cecilia McGough, an advocate with schizophrenia.
Hearing Voices Network - A network of support groups for people who hear voices, see visions, and have other extreme experiences. Focused on supporting individuals without judgement and giving them a place to explore their experiences and grow from them.
Open Dialogue - An psychosocial approach to psychiatric services that focuses on treating clients with respect, shared decision-making, dialogue between client, providers, and family (if the client wants family involved), and more minimal use of medication.
CommonGround software - A software developed by Dr. Pat Deegan that allows clients to communicate their needs to their providers more efficiently to support shared-decision making. Dr. Deegan has a lived experience of being diagnosed with schizophrenia and believes in personal medicine and med empowerment.
Project LETS - A radical approach to peer support and healing that has a disability justice centered approach, giving people with lived experience a voice and focusing on mutual aid. They provide peer mental health advocates, self-harm prevention, and more.
Integrative Psychiatry - A holistic form of psychiatry that focuses on nutrition, exercise, therapy, and psychosocial factors, where medication is just an aspect of treatment. US database of integrative psychiatrists here.
Soteria Houses - Community homes with peer support that provide residents with personal power, responsibilities, and “being with” residents, that focus on a humane and person-centered approach.
Relating to Voices Using Compassion Focused Therapy - A self-help book by Drs. Eleanor Longden and Charlie Heriot Maitland about managing distressing voices and building a respectful, cooperative relationship with them. Views voices as potential allies in emotional problem-solving rather than enemies.
Clubhouse International - A non-profit organization that gives people with mental illness opportunities for friendship, employment, housing, educational, and medical services all in one place. It was founded by a group of friends who survived a psychiatric hospital together.
Psychosis Research Unit - A group of psychology researchers who are doing research on and developing psychotherapeutic techniques for coping with and managing psychosis, such as CBT for psychosis and Talking with Voices therapy.
#mental health#psychiatry critical#psychiatry reform#anti psychiatry#psych critical#psychosis#psych reform#mental illness#uhhhhhh idk what else to tag this with so people see it#social justice#neurodiversity#idk
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A list of US mental health activism/policy/peer support/etc conferences that sound really cool:
Peerpocalypse in Seaside, Oregon: A convention for peers who experience mental health challenges to network, connect as friends and allies, share expertise and skills, and trailblaze new models within and as alternatives to the current mental health system. There are workshops, continuing education opportunities, social activities, and more. There are both in-person and virtual options.
ISPS-US Humanity in Solidarity Conference in Newark, Delaware: The International Society for Psychological and Social Approaches To Psychosis's conference for mental health professionals, people with lived experience, allies, and more. Includes presentations, workshops, and connection with a diverse community of individuals dedicated to creating positive change in mental health care. There are both in-person and virtual options.
International Peer Respite/Soteria Summit: A group promoting the creation and sustainability of peer repsites and Soteria houses. They have mentoring circles, webinars, etc. Seems to be mostly virtual.
Alternatives Conference (location unknown as of July 8, 2023): A conference which includes many diverse perspectives on mental health recovery. It is for people all across the board; those who choose traditional mental health treatment, those who choose peer support, or alternative therapies, etc. Last year, it was held virtually.
A Disorder For Everyone! Online Festival: A whole day of change-making talks, presentations, conversations, poetry etc challenging the culture of diagnosis and disorder. Virtual, September 22nd, 2023.
National Association of Peer Supporters Conference "Pathways" in Norfolk, Virginia: A conference for peer supporters to network and organize. In-person conference.
Wisconsin Peer Recovery Conference in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin: A conference for advocates, individuals interested in effective support, peer specialists, and mental heath professionals, to explore innovative applications of peer support within communities and enhance individual skills. Looks to be an in-person conference.
#posting mostly for my own convenience but i thought some of ya'll might like this too#i reallly reallly really want to start getting involved politically about this shit and stuff#like i want to be part of boards and shit#idkkkk#mental health#mental illness#neurodivergency#mad pride#psychiatry critical#psych critical#critical psychiatry#anti psychiatry#antipsych#antipsychiatry#psychology#peer support#wow i should go to bed lol
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CW psychosis experience
Psychosis is trying to lift a several hundred pound hospital bed to the point you badly throw your back out.
Finding hidden messages anywhere there's words to be read.
Sensing cameras in every light.
Thinking you're financially rich without a penny to your name.
Paranoia that comes and twists you apart.
Breaking things that mean everything to you.
Alternating from laughing and crying again and again to the point it confuses those around you.
Thinking illegal substances are making you better.
It is thinking all food is poisoned or made of unmentionables.
Knowing the fate of eternity is on your shoulders.
It's thinking you're God and seeing that your powers make things happen.
It's remembering past lives so vividly it makes you sweat.
It's feeling a chip in your brain you want to remove yourself just for some relief.
... losing total touch with how to talk and not even noticing it.
Forgetting who you are in entirety and watching people be confused that you don't remember them.
It's ending up with no friends because you freak people out.
Playing a few notes on an instrument over and over and over thousands a times a day... For years.
It's fabricating complete relationships with people all in your mind without knowing it.
Psychosis is convincing yourself you don't need food and not noticing your body dwindle away from malnutrition until your ribcage is exposed.
Feeling the whole world wants you dead and in a coffin.
Waving at the sky to the aliens above.
Losing complete trust in yourself.
Banging on the confines of a psych ward cell and not getting why the girl in the room across the hall is crying.
... drinking dangerous amounts of water until your organs legitimately start shutting down.
It's feeling responsible for everything in the Universe... Including the bad stuff.
Wandering up a highway in a hospital gown blowing in the wind after narrowly escaping a psychiatric ward.
Hearing planets of prayers being broadcast in your ears.
The simplest of things working you up until you hyperventilate so scared that you hide.
Misplacing everything.
Trusting the worst people who take you for everything you're worth.
Being laughed at by nurses who can't contain themselves.
Trying to get on planes that you can't fathom aren't yours.
Throwing yourself at traffic to test the Universe.
Being under the belief that you know anything that can be learned.
Talking in slow motion or so fast that people can't make out what you're saying.
Finding yourself bed bound.
Feeling every atom look at you without stopping.
Pacing a tiny room without understanding of why you're there.
Reading signs all over... Even in the sky, grass and glare of the sun.
Having the thought that everyone on Earth knows who you are.
Drinking fowl tasting urine thinking it'll protect you from death.
Shattering loneliness from being locked away involuntarily.
Certain that you own every house and vehicle in sight.
Uncountable pills and appointments.
Having whole conversations with the use of telepathy.
It's not "strange smiles".
But yes, it's often rocking back and forth.
It's sending hundreds of thousands of texts only to end up remembering virtually none of them.
Wandering the woods aimlessly.
Writing to convince people you're totally sane until doctors beg for you to be helped by them.
It's making this list which is making me shudder.
It's being unable to tell what's a memory or imagination.
I guess it's also not knowing if you're thinking or talking.
It's to die every day until you get help and a community intervenes.
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It’s kind of hard to find any good source materials that I can pluck from in regards to discussing the “yays and nays” of writing convincing PTSD, but I’m gonna take the knowledge I do have - both from my experiences and from everything I’ve picked up and learned around that - and just leave a few key points lying around like crumbs for y’all. Mostly made with writing trauma in mind:
-Though there are exceptions, for the most part, your sex and horomones may determine how you respond to stress and trauma. Higher testosterone makes it much more likely to react to trauma in a more “stereotypical” way, fighting back with aggression, deflecting, sometimes turning to addictions as means of an escape. Some of that comes from toxic masculinity, but some of it is just from having less natural emotional depth or a harder time venturing that emotional depth. (In summary: men put off therapy. A lot.)
-Meanwhile, more estrogen-based people will more often feel the emotional wringing of depression or fear, and actually become more vulnerable to getting in toxic situations. When you’re at a low point, it may be difficult to make clearer judgements, and seeking comfort for the sake of comfort might end up taking a toll like any other negative outlets. (Again with “there are exceptions” because not everybody responds in these ways, there’s definitely a uniqueness to the brain’s stress responses)
-For ye writing people, here’s some ideas on not-so-good outlets one might turn to when facing trauma: alcoholism, painkillers and substance abuse, anger outbursts (towards people or things equally), emotional outbursts, self-isolation (can be anything from leaving a virtual chat to locking ones self in a bathroom - both of which I have done, *ahem*), self-harm (note that this also includes restricting yourself from things such as food, water, communication, sleep, etc), co-dependency (ie looking for whoever will pay attention to them regardless of what that might do in the long run)
-And here’s some better ones: hobbies, games (particularly ones that require focus), physical exercise, basic self-care (look we all should be taking care of ourselves anyways but lots of us just don’t so doing that actually really fucking helps. Dude sometimes a long hot bath and Epsom salt can just make me not want to unexist), m e d i c a t i o n, t h e r a p y, positive social groups or support groups (not specifically a therapy support group, but any group that is supportive towards healing from things like PTSD), meditation- and/or just sitting with your fucking feelings and acknowledging it’s a THING
-PTSD is oftentimes this tree that grows from a root problem (this can be something like family trauma, war, assault, abuse, emotional neglect, loss, literally any situation which made the person feel helpless, physically OR emotionally) and that tree branches into various symptoms and side effects. Some of these are bigger and broader terms, like depression (feeling hopeless about ones self and life, often becoming so emotionally overrun that you’re just numb and don’t care anymore) or anxiety (sometimes social, sometimes situational, or both, or all)
-In other ways, side effects are very specific things that comes from the same source. These can (but do NOT always) include: nightmares, flashbacks, bodily tremors, tics, headaches, bowel issues, heart palpitations, and a broad category called psychosis (a big fancy word that means you sense something that is not actually there)
-On that psychosis thing, because lo and behold I fucking have that problem, it’s usually not as “real” as it’s made out to be. Even we question ourselves for the realness of it, which if anything kinda adds to the fear because sometimes you really don’t know. Anyways you can experience psychosis in a lot of ways, from hearing things to seeing types of hallucinations, to believing in the higher meaning of things around you and having types of delusions (I struggle with those the most). It can also vary in frequency. Some people see shadowy figures all the time at night. Some people hear stuff only once every blue moon. Often, they come in episodes that only last for a short period of time (hours to days)
-Another vague category is dissociation, a feeling of “spacing out” that might be kinda frequent and kinda freaky. People can dissociate in different ways so it’s a little harder to pinpoint how to feel, but to an outsider it really just looks like your brain did an Error 404 on you. Some people feel paralyzed and cannot move. Some people feel out of their own bodies. And some feel like the world around them doesn’t really exist. Whatever the case, this is closely tied to the flashbacks thing and it can really take you outside of the present moment. It’s easy to get lost.
-Trauma does not have to be around 100% of the time. Sometimes people can heal from trauma and almost function like normal again. But it may still always exist, and while manageable, some things like triggers (I want to cover those but I don’t have the time at the moment to) will still be hard to deal with and take time and gentleness to get through. Some people can overcome PTSD in months to years. Others overcome it in decades. Some never overcome it, but it gets manageable with time and taking the efforts to process and heal.
Okay that’s all I got time for this morning :’)
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I have some familiarity with The Boys, but not much. Isn’t the point that people, when they have godlike powers from being injected with Compound V, will abuse their power no matter what? It doesn’t matter to me that Homelander couldn’t consent to receiving Compound V as a baby when he was a fully cognizant adult when he commited atrocities.
So I think it’s an odd choice that the latest episode of Gen V is trying to have the audience sympathize with supes when the virus is the only line of defense that humans have against them. None of the main characters display any care or thought toward regular people; they just want to major in crimefighting at Godolkin and then because members of The Seven. They want fame and notoriety. All of them have suffered in some way, but they haven’t seemed to extend understanding and kindness as a result of that suffering, like when Andre accidentally ruptured that lady’s neck at the party, nobody seemed concerned about her and now it’s been forgotten. So I’m confused as to why the show expects me to feel bad for the characters, especially Sam, when I’ve seen the violence he’s capable and the lack of genuine remorse and not seeing him try to do better outside of Emma. I was honestly just watching for the mystery of The Woods, but now that that’s been revealed, what else is there?
Isn’t the point that people, when they have godlike powers from being injected with Compound V, will abuse their power no matter what? It doesn’t matter to me that Homelander couldn’t consent to receiving Compound V as a baby when he was a fully cognizant adult when he commited atrocities.
Honestly, one of the problems with The Boys is that it loses its own messaging and it muddles what it's trying to say (sound familiar?). But, like, we are supposed to believe that Homelander's upbringing contributes to his psychosis because he was raised like an experiment or an object without the warmth of a parent, hence his deeply disturbing obsession with milk, and then being in The Seven with Homelander at the helm and Vought as backing corrupts the other members like Maeve who has a conscience but has also done terrible things and she goes through her redemptive arc but then you have Starlight who is supposed to be "good" and doesn't allow herself to be corrupted after potentially going down that path in season 1 etc.
So I don't actually see the point of Gen V. Even when I thought the show was going to be about Marie wanting to be in The Seven to prove to her sister that she wasn't a monster, I thought the premise was flawed because The Seven is made up of supes who have literally committed crimes against humanity and are virtually indestructible so I was just like, wouldn't that just reinforce Annabeth's view of her? And then when we get to the school we see, as you said, Andre etc. getting high, Andre nearly killing someone and all of them only thinking about themselves and then when we meet the other students in the university, they're already pretty terrible so to turn around and be like Godolkin is the real villain has me like ... how? WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE SCHOOL. Or the characters. And how is this different than watching The Boys and Vought? I never cared about The Woods because in The Boys, they already had a storyline like that with the Sage Grove Centre where they experiment on civilians and then Lamplighter (a Supe) burns them alive to destroy evidence so The Woods just had me like, well, yeah, we've established that they experiment on people, why is this any different?
It would've been more interesting if they explored teens/young adults whatever having to deal with the fact that their parents juiced them with V as babies and they now have powers that actually ruin their lives and saddle them with trauma like Cate telling her brother to leave and never come back and him listening to her and then her parents turning on her, I would've rather see her deal with that in real time, see Marie dealing with killing her parents in real time, instead of The Boys 2.0 that has even less character development than The Boys.
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again walking in the slush currently so i cant go really in depth but a side effect of seeing neurodivergence as "normal vs abnormal but 'virtually harmless'" is that yes behaviors like stimming or infodumping and such have been seen as positives and things to be normalized and uplifted as opposed to beaten or medicated away without permission of the ND person but experiences of psychosis, mania, etc are still seen as inherently dangerous and needing to be immediately fixed with drugs. im glad meds work for many folk but there is a history behind how theyre used and why theyre used and how certain diagnoses are given to certain groups of people (BPD is widely associated with women, schizophrenia with Black men, there still is little dialogue on the difference between mental health diagnoses that include "abnormal/lacking libido" as a symptom and asexual people) as a form of policing and control
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babes did you pay attention to the film? all of the questions were answered. It was a painfully surface film
What was up with the airplane crashing in the distance that Florence's character saw?? 🥴
It was a glitch in the simulation. The more her conscious started to question, the more glitches occurred.
What was up with the mini little earthquakes that everyone was just used to? Was it trains? Was it leakage from the "real life"?
I always interpreted these as just reminders that the men are working on something. A reminder that they are there for a bigger goal.
Why did Olivia's character know what was up from the get-go? Who told her? How did she find out? Did she ALWAYS know?
girl… she literally says she cannot conceive in the real world. She said she gets to be with her kids in victory. I think it’s implied she and her husband chose to enter the simulation together so they could have their family.
Why does banging your head against the glass cause you to get out of the VR realm?
If you’re talking about the dance class that isn’t getting out, that’s psychosis. If you’re talking about headquarters, it’s assumed that’s headquarters and is a way out.
How did Harry's character get his wife to be able to undergo the VR life? Was he drugging her? Were ALL of these husbands drugging their wives? Were some of these dudes just choosing random women to be their VR wives?? Like, what on earth?
There is a scene where you see blood on the bathroom floor in their real apartment and her being dragged away from her pov. Easy to assume he drugged her to get her under the simulation. Yes, the implication is that men could kidnap any woman and put her under.
When did Chris Pine's wife know that he was a fraud?? Like, was she always suspecting? OR did that ONE phone convo that she over heard do something to her?
I always assumed Chris Pine’s wife was also a bad guy. She let him run things to be the submissive wife. But when she killed him and said whatever she said I interpreted that as her thinking she could have run victory better.
Who were the men in red jackets? Were they all under VR simulation as well?
Men who who for the simulation. And are there to reprogram anyone who steps out of line. I always assumed they worked for the “game makers” if you will
Why does killing you in the VIRTUAL WORLD kill you in the REAL WORLD, when everything that's going on is just FAKE anyway?? 🥴 That was the BIGGEST mystery to me lol. Didn't make sense AT all.
I always assumed your body still experienced the trauma…. but again the film is painfully surface and poorly written so who tf knows
Thanks Anon 👍🏾
You're right, I had forgotten Olivia's character had said that she preferred life in Victory. I got the impression her real kids died.
Maybe there weren't as many unanswered questions and plot holes as I thought lol 😆
Idk, it just felt like at the end I was left thinking:
"THAT'S IT????" 🥴
I wanted MORE lol
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i am so…
my dad went on a tangent at dinner and then when we commented on it feeling out of left field he joked that “loose association is one of the signs of psychosis”
and i immediately was thrust back two years to when i was in constant debilitating pain and experiencing psychosis and didn’t know and couldn’t think about anything without making a million random connections and was literally seeing health professionals weekly who didn’t help me and i tanked at work and withdrew from virtually all my friends and family and have never really resumed contact
(i’m sure not many people noticed but my months-long more or less hiatus from tumblr back then correlated pretty neatly with my psychosis)
it makes me so sad and it also is just so scary to think about that time. how i didn’t have a grip on reality. one of the first things in the list of common things among people experiencing psychosis is believing people are sending messages to you through the TV. i remember learning that in school and being like wow i can’t even imagine thinking that. and then i literally believed it age 25.
and i’m also so ashamed of having been psychotic (even though i don’t think other people should be??) that i haven’t talked about it with basically anyone.
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Hi!! I saw that u accepted asks, and wanted to know if you could write something about Funtime Freddy who is in a relationship with a s/o who has psychosis and how he would help them?
(I have (professionally diagnosed) psychosis and I almost never see any fanfictions that i can actually relate to, or fully enjoy because of bad representation of psychosis that just makes me feel horrible about my psychosis)
if you are not comfortable w/ my ask i understand, not many are, but thank you for taking the time to read my ask anyways, have a wonderful day/night!!!
Hi there! I completely understand the struggle of not finding proper representation in fanfiction. It really, really sucks. As someone with OCD I’m familiar with the frustration of seeing my condition misrepresented by misinformed people.
That being said, I worry that I’m not the best person to write a character with psychosis. I would hate to contribute to the spread of misrepresentation and misinformation. In the future, when I’ve learned more, I’d be glad to give it a try. For now, however, I’ll have to respectfully and regretfully pass.
If there’s anyone reading this that feels qualified to put some more FunFred x reader with psychosis out into the world, please do so! Anon, I want you to have more fics tailored to you and your experience. You should never feel bad about your psychosis. I’m sorry I can’t help you in this situation, but I hope that in the future you get the representation you deserve.
I’ll tell you this: Freddy loves you. He loves you for who you are, every bit of you. You’re never too much for him, and you’re never not enough. He thinks you’re perfect. And he’ll do anything for you, anything you need. Whether you’re having a good day or a bad day Freddy is right there, loving you, and loving being with you.
Sending virtual hugs your way, anon ❤️
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I can analyze and agonize over it until the sun burns out but at the end of the day the fact remains that my friends were my friends until I was too sick for them to handle.
Moved the rest under a cut bc it's just processing and it's the kind of processing that doesn't fit in my usual fic routine.
They stopped talking while I was actively in the hospital from the brown recluse. They made me feel like a hypochondriac demanding their attention and emotional labor and it took forever for me to realize because three of us were neurodivergent, all of us were queer, and so I thought we got each other even if I was technically the autistic one and the only trans one. They shut me down when I talked about the new things I was trying in order to isolate what I thought at the time was something simple like reflux (in between doctor visits). They were kind and understanding up until it became clear that I wasn't going to be able to predict my energy level (or it bottoming out in the middle of hanging out virtually).
I've lived my life in fear/grudging acceptance that I'm on a timer with everyone who cares about me and I have to be good so that timer runs down slowly and I get to have them for longer and they absolutely confirmed that and I think I'm at the point where I'm angry instead of confused. It's not even that I don't understand. Dealing with sick people isn't for everyone and as far as we knew, I wasn't. Which meant I must just be acting annoying or spewing anxiety. But I'm going to rheumatology in two days to get tested for goddamn lupus because it's already been proven that my connective tissue is fucked, it's just a question of "in what specific way" and I'm just. They are good people. I miss them almost daily, but it's getting easier. Nobody ever said why they left. They just stopped responding and left me to puzzle through it for a year and a half now after two years of getting increasingly impatient with my "anxiety." and if they are going to leave it to be to figure out then yeah. Sure. I was probably a lot, exactly as I've feared. But the people who don't see me as too much are the people who are also sick or with loved ones who are. Who know what to expect. I spent six months with an open necrotic wound in my arm telling myself it wasn't that bad because I couldn't afford to drive anyone else away by being a baby. I went through psychosis from the prednisone and said nothing to anyone but one person. I did a lot of it alone or leaning on people I barely knew on the internet because when they got tired of it and left, it wouldn't hurt. I deserved better. And those people I thought would vanish after a few weeks of dealing with me are still here.
It's hard not to miss people you loved (and who loved you) from 20-27. But also fuck them I guess.
#Personal#I just needed to get that out#I'm tired of asking what I did#The fact was I was hurt and I needed them and for years they had been putting distance whenever anything was wrong#I'm not sure I blame them given that they are by and large a led#One gets migraines a lot but she's also defensive to the point that when I asked about them#She nearly bit my head off saying there's no way I could have them#It's all the same behavior#by and large abled*
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about the "virtually white" post—as far as i can tell, syntaxblk was upset with that post because "virtually white" was something she said while discussing how another user, gamergoo, compared the irish benefitting from imperialism while still being a british colony to black americans (in their opinion) benefitting from america's imperialism while still being oppressed by antiblackness. predstrogen is in the same group of users syntaxblk has been calling out. i assume she feels made fun of
Fair enough, if what saying the case.
Though this way of discuss very much suck
N have so many fragments of conversation
That is just end up not make sense n hard keep track
Like to us, the onlooker, is gonna look contradictive or confuse
for try distinguish anti-black micro-aggression vs someone random chime in with "liberals don't understand racism" or someone reposting a screenshot with a weird way of refer to Irish people they fixate on in some reply
not to mention the other issues magz already say before
The fact that we had to be told by an anon their understanding of what going on (without source but. alas. do not want atm)
indicative of how messy situation n amount presumed knowledge n context require for evaluate what going on
for what suppose to be simple blocklist for *avoid* antiblackness in first place
that will inadvertently easily fuel further racial harassment for her n all us - cuz Tumblr a circus
if she being made fun of for (clumsily worded) criticize antiblack statements - then, yeah is awful
but this way of, is genuine OCD fuel and paranoia psychosis fuel
when we could be having these discussions differently n more clearly as a group
without making magz have mini anxiety attack by strangers DMing stuff while barely understand who or what going on
n would rather not participate beyond this line, then. while having 3k blogs blocked of magz own curation, n having everything filtered.
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Hello! I just wanted to first thank you bcuz yer content has been so illuminating and helpful. I am contacting you early this morning because I am looking for community resources for my dear friend who has bipolar I and is now also being treated for schizophrenia in the hospital. Although he has caused harm, I still radically believe he needs and deserves community support. The mental health industrial complex, close family and friends have all abandoned him. Any resources would help then q!
My partner had an overall very positive experience with Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance support groups. They've been really well moderated and comfortable to be in, with a good balance of sharing and listening. which is not true of all support groups!
I'd encourage your friend to look them up -- here in Chicago there are like half a dozen different groups every week, all across the city, a mix of in person and virtual, and some are targeted to specific populations like queer adults or Black & brown people. There are probably lots of support group options worth checking out if he is interested in searching around a bit for it. DBT groups can also be good, and some are free. (for Chicagoans I'd point out the center on halsted has one).
But all you can do is offer to help him sift through what is available and make a plan to start regularly using those resources if he is interested and engaged enough to do like 70% more of the work on it than you do. If he isn't all in on it and doesn't want the help, it's not gonna be good for either of you for you to push it. But you can tell him that you care about him and that you want to help him find people to talk to who will get what he's going through when he is ready.
Psychosis positivity on instagram is a good account more relevant to the schizophrenia side. The young woman who runs the page is great and she has some essays up on medium and the like as well. The bipolar and schizophrenia subreddits are pretty good too. People should share any other good resources they know of in the replies on this post.
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