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bleedingoptimism · 3 months

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As Steve walks into the grocery store he pulls his sunglasses off, only to put them back on again immediately. The lights of the store make the back of his eyes sting. Hungover from a bad headache, not that people here would care why. Whatever, is not like everyone already doesn’t think he’s an asshole. He doesn’t need to perform for anyone anymore.

A guy, singing to himself down one of the aisles peaks his attention, he’s tall and has long black hair and Steve belatedly remembers that he’s Jon’s friend from California.

“Argyle?” he asks, more to himself than to him, but Argyle turns and smiles at him as if they are old friends. He approaches and grabs his shoulder, shaking him a little.

“Oh! Hi Stevie!”

The confidence and attitude he carries himself with make Steve smile for some reason. It’s like he’s very sure of himself but in a nice way, not in a douchey way, like his high school buddies were. Although hearing someone call him “Stevie” reminds him of Tommy and a very different time and he can’t help but shrink inwards a little, “Oh no please, just Steve,” he says with an apologetic smile, pulling his sunglasses off again and placing them on his head. And because he doesn’t want Argyle to think he’s the douchebag, he explains further, “‘Stevie’ brings back bad memories,”

Argyle leans his head to the side with a pout but then smiles and squeezes Steve’s shoulder, “Dude, it’s fine, we can just make new ones, man! Better ones.”

Steve’s first reaction is to scoff. As if it were that easy… but then he thinks, hell, maybe it is. Maybe it is and it makes him smile. Argyle is way too outgoing for it to be comfortable for other people, it’s kind of ridiculous. For a second, he wonders if Jonathan found it jarring when he first met him. But Steve finds it refreshing. He shakes his head and smiles,

“So what were you looking for? Maybe I can help?” he offers.

Argyle turns in a circle, letting go of Steve’s shoulder and opening his arms wide, like he’s presenting the store to Steve, “See man, I'm mentally preparing myself for the munchies. I kind of wanted to make a pizza but like sweet? You get me?”

“Like a pie?” Steve chuckles.

“That! Sounds delicious, dude! But I don’t know how to make a pie,” Argyle laments, and Steve has no idea what possesses him to say,

“I do. You want help?”

Argyle stills his whole body and then shakes it before he starts snapping his fingers rapidly, startling Steve.

“Ok! Ok ok ok ok ok! Are you busy right now, man?”

“Just need to buy my groceries…” Steve says unable to keep the bewilderment off his expression.

“I’ll help you with that, we’ll buy things for the pie and then you invite me over, how’s that my dude?” Argyle says, no preambles, “I have a doobie and a lot of questions about all the shit that went down” he adds moving his eyebrows up and down quickly.

“What about Jon?” Steve can’t help but ask.

“Ah man, Jonny is with Nancy right now. Those two love birds had a lot to talk about, so I figured I’d make myself scarce.” Argyle answers, nodding apprehensively at his own statement.

Steve finds himself nodding along before saying, “Yeah, okay. Let’s do it!”

“Hell yeah, Stevie!” Argyle exclaims throwing his arms up and this time, Steve doesn’t cringe at the nickname.

After that, Argyle follows Steve through the store, helping him put things in the cart, making a few comments about differences in products or prices from California, but mostly staying out of the way and humming to himself. Steve asks him what he wants the pie to be (strawberries and chocolate) so he gets the ingredients for that too and then they are off.

When they get to his place, Steve tells him to get comfortable while he puts stuff away but Argyle helps him out before sitting on a tall stool in the kitchen and watching as Steve gets all the ingredients for the pie laid out.

“You know dude, you’re kind of exactly how I imagined you’d be,” Argyle tells him, gifting him another one of his smiles.

“Really?” Steve asks surprised.

“Jon told me all about you, man,” he answers nodding.

Steve raises an eyebrow at that, “And you still want to hang out with me?” he asks, half judgy, half defensive.

“Of course! Because you know what I got from it, dog?” Argyle asks and Steve just stares at him, afraid to know the answer.

“That you are a good person, Stevie! So you got off to a rocky start dude, so what? I think that makes you all the more interesting.”

Steve purses his lips in an attempt not to smile and raises an eyebrow.

“You went to hell and beyond for someone you didn’t even like! You’ve paid your dues and a half for whatever shit you did when you were younger and it could’ve made you bitter or closed off, man! But it didn’t. Not even the tiniest little bit. You barely know me and you invited me over and offered to bake pie for me, dude!”

Steve chuckles and shakes his head, “You got all that from what Jon told you? Also you invited yourself over,” he jokes.

Argyle laughs and then just shrugs, choosing to ignore Steve’s question about Jon.

He lets it go, and Argyle lights up the joint while he starts making the pie. After they both get a few hits, Argyle starts asking him about everything. ‘Start from the beginning’ he says.

Steve starts off a little stiff but gets looser with the weed and Argyle's presence and ends up telling him practically everything. Argyle asks a few questions every once in a while, sometimes about the process of making the pie. Sometimes some really intense shit like ‘and how did that make you feel?’, ‘did you think you were going to die?’ ‘were you scared?’.

Steve answers everything honestly, and it feels incredibly cathartic. His favorite questions are the ones about the pie though, and he smiles the biggest when Argyle says next time he’ll make one for him.

In turn, Steve asks him how he met Jon and chuckles when Argyle confirms his thoughts and tells him Jon didn’t like Argyle one bit at first.

“He said I was too happy. He didn’t trust it. Dude couldn’t trust anyone that hadn’t gone through some kind of shit in their lives” Argyle laughs, “But I can thaw even the coldest of hearts, man! As we got to know each other, he realized that I did have my own shit going on, but that happiness was a choice for me. Is who I had chosen to be.”

They talk about that too, how it wasn’t an easy choice. How some days it’s harder than others, to keep at it. How all the Upside Down shit affected him too.

By the time the pie is done and the joint is gone, Steve feels incredibly close to Argyle. Like they’ve been friends forever.

“So that’s pretty much it,” he says with a sigh after finishing a rant about why he doesn’t keep in touch with his high school buddies because Argyle had asked about them.

“Dude, you’ve been through so much,” he says solemnly.

“Yeah, you know that’s…. Life…” Steve says, shrugging. He doesn't know exactly what to say, suddenly feeling very awkward at being seen.

“Nah, Stevie. Me being kicked out of my house as soon as I was old enough to get a job ‘cause my parents couldn’t afford to keep feeding me and my younger siblings…. That’s life.” Argyle says seriously and quickly dismisses Steve's worried face adding, “It’s ok dude, they were great parents, they raised me well and I still go visit every other weekend” And then sighs and looks sternly at Steve again,

“Like I said, that’s life. What you’ve been through? Was hell”

“The kids had it worse- Ell-” Steve starts but Argyle interrupts him.

“That doesn’t erase what you've been through, Steve. It doesn’t make it less of a nightmare, man.” Steve just looks at Argyle as what he’s saying sinks in.

“And you got through it, dude. You came out the other side even a better person than when it started and like- you saved lives! You saved my best friend's life and like- like- you should be proud of yourself Stevie. I’m proud of you, man” he finishes with a carefree smile. As if he hadn’t just rocked the ground Steve was standing on. And he doesn't know if it’s the weed, or Argyle’s words, or both but Steve closes the distance between them and hugs him.

“Oh, hey! Hugs! I love hugs!” Argyle laughs, and hugs him back, taking it all in stride.

“Sorry,” Steve sniffles embarrassed, “I didn’t know I needed to hear that till you said it,” he croaks.

“Nah, it’s good. I got you” Argyle responds, patting his back lightly.

The hug is wonderful, friendly, warm, and just the right length but when he’s stepping away from Argyle, he hears a wary sound from the kitchen door.

“Uhm…hi”

It’s Eddie. Pocker-faced and cautious and Steve knows him well enough to know he’s freaking out inside.

“Oh, hi! Eddie! Good to see you, dude!” Argyle says good naturally and completely out of the loop. Steve smiles at him too and rubs his eyes with the back of his hand to dry them off a bit.

Whatever Eddie was thinking goes out the window when he looks closely at Steve and walks towards him, leaning closer to look him in the eye, “You okay?” he asks concerned.

Steve nods and Argyle clears his throat, “I’m going to… set the table for three,” he says, so maybe, not as out of the loop as Steve first thought.

Eddie completely ignores Argyle and grabs Steve’s face, his thumb caressing the underside of his eye, “You really ok?” he asks again and Steve chuckles,

“Yeah,” he answers with a smile.

Eddie hums and then looks back towards where Argyle is opening and closing cabinets in the dining room, looking for plates, “So… Should I be jealous?” he asks and Steve snorts amused,

“Of course not,” he says.

“You sure? ‘Cause maybe your type wasn’t curls and big eyes, maybe it was long hair and weed all along,” Eddie presses and Steve can tell he’s trying to make a joke out of it but is actually asking for real and Steve gets frankly, really annoyed.

“You know what? Maybe you should be jealous. Argy would never accuse me like that,” Inwardly he cringes at the nickname but it gets the point across. Eddie’s face falls and he looks devastated and terrified for a second before Steve smirks bitchily at him and then Eddie is frowning.

“Asshole” he murmurs, despite still holding Steve’s face as if it were precious and fragile.

Steve steps closer, placing his hands on Eddie’s waist, “You started it” he says as an apology. Kind of.

Eddie huffs and moves his hands to Steve shoulder’s, one thumb pressed to his pulse, “I regret it”

Steve hums, “Just for the record? A little possessiveness is kind of hot,” he says and pecks the tip of Eddie’s nose, “You questioning my feelings for you? Is not.” and then flicks it.

“Dully noted,” Eddie nods.

Steve looks him in the eye as he leans closer, kisses him fully in the mouth firmly, eyes open the whole time, and then whispers “Good boy,” before he steps away.

He smirks again seeing the full-body effect his little stunt has on Eddie. The way his eyelids fall, his mouth opens, the goosebumps on his arm hair, and the shiver that runs through his spine. He takes a moment to take it all in before he smiles, less predatory and more friendly. Eddie smiles back, and shakes his head amused, like he can't believe Steve is real. He does that a lot.

Steve then takes Eddie’s hand on his own and kisses his knuckles before moving past him and dragging him to the dining room with him,

“Now c’mon. Let’s go eat pie with my new friend”

e͟n͟d͟

a coffee? a doobie? ☕🥐💕

#stranger things #argyle #steve #friendship #and a little #steddie #on the side #because i cant help myself #i wrote something

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redlerred7 · 3 months

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Something you find appealling in an unconventional or atypical way?

I'm not abreast of all the different ways one may find appeal in a thing. It's very hard for me to gauge whether or not the way I like or enjoy something is conventional or typical.

Anyway, Chuunibyou Demo Koi ga Shitai is probably my favorite anime. The characters are entertaining, the romance is cute, and it has a pretty poignant message about normative behaviors, the joys and follies of youth, and people's relationship with their hobbies, interests, and escapism in general.

But for the purposes of this ask, that's not the important part. No, the important part is that I consider the significantly less popular second season to be better than both season 1 and the sequel movie.

Let me explain:

Season 1 had the task of introducing characters, setting up the plot, and making you care that these characters actually go through all of said plot. To that end, I think season 1 did an good job of hitting all the story beats in moments where it resonated.

Unfortunately, I am a weirdo and the story beat that is considered by most people to be one of the most impactful parts of the story instead completely failed to resonate with me at all. Intellectually, I understand what makes it so powerful to others, but being unable to feel it myself made half of the whole point of season 1 fall a little flat for me.

Season 2 goes in a different direction, one where I can actually relate to the plot being depicted, on top of doubling down on the parts of season 1 I already liked.

That is to say, majority of the season is the characters acting like dumbass cringy teenagers who are part of a LARP group. AND there isn't some air of normative moral judgment over the fact that they're LARPing. They're allowed to actually enjoy themselves.

And as we find out as the seasons goes, the main cast's LARP group isn't the only group of weirdos in the school they go to.

Their school isn't even the only one! At some point they encounter a rival club that's tangentially related to their own that has their own unique brand of weirdness.

Normality is an illusion. Everyone is at least a little bit weird. I think this season communicates that theme much better than season 1 did.

Any issues that arise regarding their fun is a wholly internal problem within the characters themselves rather than a product of their environment.

Also I liked the love-triangle, though it's not really a love-triangle in the way most people think of them. It still has the jealousy, possessiveness, and two characters in love with the same person, but it was refreshing how blatant season 2 was about the fact that the other character has no chance.

Often I see shows try to at least be a little coy about it. They'd be like "sure, they do not and will not have a chance, but we're gonna try and make you believe that they do anyway."

None of that. Just a good, straight forward story about a new character who's about to have her heart broken.

And then learn how to move forward from that.

That last thing I mentioned is probably the best part of the love triangle subplot, to be honest. Possibly even the best part of the season if I'm being particularly generous to it.

To be clear, I like traditional love-triangles too—I like love-triangles in general. It just so happens that this particular love-triangle hits my buttons in such a specific way that I can't help but love it.

As for the sequel movie...

The reason I think season 2 is better than the movie is because the movie performs a little bit of character development backsliding (similar to how the K-on Movie reset the characters' relationships from the end of K-on Season 2 back to what they were like at the beginning of K-on Season 2). And after that backsliding, the main leads end up having same character development they had in season 2, except in a shorter amount of time and in a manner less open to interpretation.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a good movie. I loved that the movie is about the cast having a wild road trip all across Japan. The art and animation was amazing, too. But the things I loved the most about the series—the characters' adventures in LARP and how it affects their daily lives—just isn't as present. That automatically puts it at the bottom of my tierlist of animated Chu2 works.

#chuunibyou demo koi ga shitai!#love chunibyo & other delusions #replies #animeomelette #redlerred7 writes

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shypandanight · 2 years

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I saved my father’s life with this little-known Energy Mineral…CELLXRENEWAL

Why Living Without This Could Be More Dangerous Than Ever…Learn How “Over-50’s” Are Using This “Energy Mineral” To Improve Immunity, Rejuvenate Heart Health, And Reclaim The Best Years of Their Life!

“Daddy is going to die!”

My sister sobbed.

“I’m so scared!”

she cried.

“What happened?”

“Dad was working on the roof of the house…

…as he was coming down the 10-ft ladder, the neighbor saw him clutch his chest and fall to the ground,

headfirst.”

Another neighbor called 9–1–1 and fortunately the paramedics arrived in just minutes.

Those quick-acting first responders saved my Dad’s life.

They said my strong, hard-working dad suffered a myocardial infarction — a heart attack — and the fall caused a traumatic head injury.

Dad stayed in critical condition in the hospital for nearly three weeks. Doctors said his overworked heart was extremely weak.

He couldn’t move… barely spoke a word… and had little appetite.

Dad didn’t even know my name…

The thought of my father spending his Golden Years frail and feeble…

… unable to recognize his family… weak and unable to move…

… just tore me apart.

Doctors said he was “blessed to be alive”. But was he really living?

They said his heart may eventually perform at 60% capacity. One doctor even smugly said “if that.”

Those words hit me like a ton of bricks!

Shocked and distrustful, I knew that my Dad would be counting on me to prove the doctors wrong! But little did I know that…

This near-fatal accident would lead me to discover this ‘Energy Mineral’ that has never seen the light of day…

What I’m about to share with you is the exact formula I found that gave my father a new lease on life. And let me tell you…

… this discovery is in a category of its own!

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Over $50 million dollars in clinical research backs up this powerful discovery…

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Give you 24/7 energy, slow the aging process, and rejuvenate EVERY cell in your body!

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Rejuvenate struggling heart cells!

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Cross the brain-blood barrier to feed brain cells!

That means no more “brain fog,” or awkward “senior moments” for you!

Rotate shoulders and knees without pain after a busy day!

Also boosts muscle strength and rejuvenates skeletal muscles — so you can MOVE again!

Reduce the look of wrinkles and tighten saggy skin!

Restore your youthful glow and combat the effects of aging!

Protect your cells from viruses and toxins!

Strengthen and seal cell membranes — and keep out nasty bugs.

Increase energy levels!

Boost your body’s natural production of youthful hormones — so you can feel like you’re 30 again!

Strong as steel bones!

Infuses bones with key minerals and essential elements to keep them strong as steel!

You feel healthier and stronger — in just one month!

Yes — in just 30 days — you can boost energy levels… tighten your skin… experience fewer aches and pains!

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In a surreal way — I’m almost grateful my family and I went through this terrifying ordeal with my Dad…… I Might Have Never Found the Secret to Long-Lasting Cellular Energy…

I know that sounds crazy…

… but my Dad’s ordeal gave me the drive and determination to find this SECRET health wonder that helped him come back from the brink…

… but it’s also giving thousands of people — just like you — a chance for a NEW LEASE on life too!

I guess that’s what they call making lemonade out of lemons, huh?

But before I go any further,

let me introduce myself…

Hello! My name is Alex Bradford.

For over 15 years, I’ve dedicated my life to researching little-known health cures that can make a tremendous impact on the lives of folks over 50.

Just like you, I love my family and I want each one of them to live their healthiest and happiest life.

I’ve worked with some of the most influential natural health doctors, researchers, therapists, healers, and even health “renegades” to bring their healing therapies to you and your loved ones.

So, why should you pay attention to anything I have to say?

Because what I am about to reveal will help you TURN ON your “Young Genes” and maintain sustained energy levels and support healthy cells!

While I’m a natural health expert — I also believe in verifiable scientific research — especially clinical, double-blind studies — that can back up what I’m discovering.

So, I turned to my extensive research background to find an answer.

I had to figure out a way to

support my Dad’s heart and brain

so he could be that energetic 67-year-old again.

But the reality was…

… my dad couldn’t turn over in bed without help…

I realized the only way to help him keep his zest for life…

…Was to figure out a way to give his cells the extra boost they need.

Now please, hear me out…

… all I ask is that you forget what you think you know about aging — and let me show you what NEW research proves…

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Imagine being surprised to discover that…

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What If I Told You “Age” Ain’t the Problem?

If you believe that getting weak and frail is your destiny — then you’ll fall for the hype and UNTRUTHS that WILL make you weak and frail!

I’m talking about bold-faced LIES like…

You have to SETTLE for feeling like you’ve been hit by a train!

I’ll show you how to have all-day energy without drinking gallons of coffee, energy drinks, or insane workouts!

You CAN’T turn back the biological clock!

That’s pure horse pucky! I’m going to show you how you can physically rejuvenate every organ inside your body — including your heart, your brain, your liver and more!

You’re going to get fat and STAY fat!

Now — this one REALLY makes my blood boil! Why? Because if you’re over 40 — you can activate your fat burning switch and shed the weight!

You’re DOOMED to suffer!

Because you’ve supposedly inherited BAD GENES! You’ll be plagued with brain fog, poor sleep, aches and pains, high blood sugar, heart problems, low sex drive and poor vision! This is the biggest DOOZY of them all…

Now, I’m going to drop another TRUTH bomb on you:

Most of the health challenges you’re facing RIGHT NOW are caused by ONE thing…

If Your Cells Aren’t HealthyYou’re a Sitting Duck!But it Doesn’t Have to Happen…… Not to YOU!I’ll Show You How to Turn Your CellsInto Energy Powerhousesand Turn Back the Clock!

Did you catch that?

It doesn’t have to happen to YOU!

If your cells aren’t healthy — there’s NO WAY you can experience optimum health and longevity.

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… in fact…

… it’s never been easier thanks to the discovery of a remarkable

“Energy Mineral.”

You see…

… at the most basic level, you don’t have an “aging” problem you have a cell problem.

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… The older your cells — the more holes develop on the outer walls.

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… Now — it doesn’t matter if you celebrate another birthday…

… Or experience a trauma…

… This cellular breakdown happens no matter what.

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… it’s like pouring gasoline on a fire.

As I watched my dad growing weaker in the hospital…

… and not being able to care for himself…

… I knew I had to dedicate my time exclusively to helping him.

I was thrilled to discover that this “Energy Mineral” could be the key to TRULY HELPING my dad!

Yes — it could actually revitalize his mind and body.

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The “Energy Mineral” goes to work to rebuild cells and give cells the constant supply of energy they need to stay alive.

… like spackle patching up a nail hole in a wall…

Once the remarkable “Energy Mineral” comes in contact with the cell…

… in addition to fixing dysfunctional cells…

The “Energy Mineral” give cells the constant supply of energy they need to stay healthy and become revitalized!

Now you have a protective barrier around every cell to keep out unwanted intruders…

And a natural chemical bond to allow the cell to optimally create sustained energy.

This “Energy Mineral” breakthrough is the creation of one of the most important, yet little-known, men in anti-aging science.

Celebrities, Royal Families, and Former Presidents Flock to This World-Renowned Scientist Who Discovered the “Energy Mineral” to Turn On Their “Young Genes”!

Dr. Hans Nieper served as the Director of Medicine at the highly acclaimed Paracelsus Silbersee Hospital in Hanover, Germany.

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That’s right…

But best of all, Dr. Nieper treated thousands of folks — just like you and me!

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… is that aging and ALL disease starts at the cellular level!

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… but there was an even bigger breakthrough.

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✔️ In addition, bone density increased ,they began to breathe easier, and brain fog disappeared!

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The name of this “Energy Mineral” is a mouthful. It’s called Calcium 2-aminoethylphosphate but you can call it Ca 2-AEP for short.

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… to keep cells active and healthy.

But what really got me shaking with excitement was…

… the “Energy Mineral” could be combined with other minerals and nutrients…

… to shuttle those nutrients directly to your cells — right where you need them most to boost cellular function and turn back the clock on aging… Learn More…….

#cellxrenewal #health #health and fitness #fitness and health #health and beauty #healthlylifestyle #fitness #motivation #family

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oceanspray5 · 3 years

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I need people to not talk over me or other brown people when we say we are absolutely GUTTED about the fact that Amita had to watch a white woman in brownface peform the stunts she TRAINED FOR!

Inej Ghafa was so important to us! To me! She is a badass brown girl who stays loving and compassionate despite the trauma she faces, she defends herself and she holds on to her faith and she falls in love and she puts herself first and has goals and aims and is unapologetically herself! She's so dynamic and real and flawed and human and perfect! She made me feel SEEN in a way no other character in fiction ever has! I finally felt like I could write about a protagonist like myself and be well received one day! I found out Amita was cast and how passionate she was about Inej in the same way we all are!

Amita put her heart and soul into Inej and we LOVE HER for it! She performed her role MAGNIFICENTLY and worked so hard to be able to do it. She reread the book multiple times! She trained for the acrobatics and the knife skills all on her own even before the show started filming! She gained literal scars because of how hard she worked! She gave Inej Ghafa her all because like us, she finally felt SEEN in a piece of media and wanted to do her justice and She DID!

And then we all find out that we now have to share Inej Ghafa with a WHITE WOMAN who did BROWNFACE and the showrunners and producers just let it happen?? That Amita had to be told that all her hard work wasn't enough and that instead of a brown stunt woman, a white woman was brought instead and she had to sit and watch HER character be performed by someone who doesn't even understand the importance of her?

It feels disgusting. Inej feels tainted. Like she isn't OURS anymore. Like she doesn't belong to us brown girls anymore when we had been waiting for her for so long!

And to know that Amita trained SO HARD and ended up having to smile through the pain when a white stunt double was donning her skin color to do a stunt a BROWN stunt woman deserved to have been given the opportunity to perform, even if Amita couldn't fit the requirements for whatever reason? Inej Ghafa belongs to the brown women. She deserved to be shared with only a brown woman as a stunt double. She deserved to be played by a fellow brown woman who understood her significance!

It's disgusting. It's appalling and I HATE everyone who had a hand in making this happen. My stomach roiled in disgust when I found out. I wanted to scream and cry. Amita was so brave for having to tolerate that happen and be unable to do anything about it. I am so proud of her but the fact is she shouldn't HAVE to have experienced that kind of racism as part of her job to bring Inej to life for us.

And on top of that, they made Zoya, another brown girl in the show, racist for absolutely NO REASON. It served 0 plot purpose. The show would have been exactly the same without it. This character trait didn't even exist for Zoya in the books.

Please do NOT talk over brown women when we say that we are tired and hurt and upset and angry! Please help us hold Netflix accountable because in no way is this okay! Netflix and Eric and Leigh have been toting Shadow and Bone for diversity points and meanwhile have been silencing their poc cast in the background and forcing them to watch as more and more opportunities slip by them. As they are told once again that what they can do is nothing compared to what a white person can do.

Amita Suman deserves better. Desi women deserve better. POC deserve better.

AND as a note cuz I've seen white people talk about this: we DO NOT want the show cancelled! Thats avoiding the problem! Not fixing it! We demand a better production crew. There are so many POC in this cast: Archie, Jessie, Kit, Sujaya and Amita have put their heart and soul into these characters despite the racism behind the scenes. They deserve to continue to play these characters they love and put so much hard work into bringing to life while the production crew that's being racist behind the scenes get sacked!

Edit: Non POC can absolutely reblog this! I made this post so people would know and so that the message about how not okay this is could spread. I encourage you all to please help raise our voices because some days it feels no one else cares but us, especially when it comes to desi people.

#Brownface #Racism #Amita suman #Inej ghafa #zoya nazyalensky #Shadow and Bone #Netflix #Leigh Bardugo #Eric heiserrer #Six of crows #Crooked Kingdom

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franki-lew-yo · 3 years

Text

The Romantic (2009, R, Gothic Fantasy/Horror), aka the most forgotten animated film in the world

What if I told you there was a movie under serious threat of becoming lost media with no clear reason as to WHY it's been lost other than no one has apparently watched it besides me and a few people on Reddit? What if I told you that movie wasn't half bad and would no doubt have some interest peeked if anyone DID know about it?

The name of that movie is The Romantic.

It was released in 2009 and it's Rated R for nudity and sex scenes [insert Robbie Rotten meme here], though none of it too graphic. It was a pet project created by animator Michael P. Heneghan, originally starting as a flash project for his animation class before he expanded it into a feature film. The film was inspired by movies such as The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth, but what I see every time I look at it is a touch of Jhonen Vasquez, Tim Burton, and Roman Dirge- the guy behind Lenore the Cute Little Dead Girl. It's flash animation especially remind me of the puppet-rigged toons of the 2000s (again like Salad Fingers or Lenore). It's not bad, it's just not inherently 'feature film' quality flash, nor is it exceptionally artistic like Sita Sings the Blues in it's simplicity. Like, really, if you happen to find this thing it's not the worst animated project at all it's just amateur for a professional production. I've seen worse flash movies. Heck, if The Romantic were released in separate parts on youtube or Newgrounds as a series (ala Homestuck) I'm sure it would have been really successful and totally in it's element. But it wasn't.

Because next to no one has seen it and I'm lucky to have not only ever seen it when it was available for free but have also found it recently (hush hush, I ain't telling you how) I'm going to actually give you all a plot synopsis under the cut. There will be some details I leave out and I think I've spelled some characters names wrong. It's a bit of a surrealist film as well, so you might need some things explained.

Spoilers ahead:

The Romantic is set in an autumnal, surrealist world inhabited by humans and monsters and ruled by three gods; Po the goddess of love; Pik the god of Hate; and Pjorrc the god of time though Pjorrc was made to live inside a pumpkin moon as everything he touched rabidly aged and died.

((Tapestry art featuring the main three gods of the film.))

A young man (called “Romance” or “The Romantic” by the other characters) performs a bull sacrifice in order to summon Abbledepopa, the unseen creator of the other gods and ‘storyteller’ of the world. The sacrifice does not conjure Abbledepopa but, when Romance spares a monster that was ready to eat him, the monster tells him of a profit named Patience. Patience is a foul-mouthed dwarf living alone with an army of babies who points Romance in the direction of Po.

((Romance outside of Patience's house.))

Romance wants the god’s help because he has fallen out of love with his girlfriend. Po grants him his desire and restores his love only for Romance to return home and find his girlfriend with another man. Blinded by heartache and rage, Romance kills her. He then swears vengeance on the gods for ‘making’ him do it. In the midst of this vow, a corrupt prophet called Fat Daddy kills the queen of Vauxhaul (Romance's home) and her guards, and forges a new body for his newborn son with their bodies. Fat Daddy rallies the townsfolk behind him in supposedly finding the Queen’s murder into follow a new religion called "The Poetic End".

((Romance (right) besides the monster he spared at the beginning of the movie.))

Patience accompanies Romance on his quest and tells him to take Po’s mask, which hides her true face, once he kills her. Romance buys Po’s trust by weaving her a tapestry that tells her story: in the dawn of time Po and Pjorrc were in love. However, Pjorrc gradually became distant and Po became resentful when their daughter, Love, earned Po's original title as the god of romance and love.

In the present day, Romance sleeps with Po for over a year before finally killing her and taking her mask. He and Patience return to his home of Vauxhul only to be chased out by Fat Daddy’s personal army. They flee to Marshallton, the town nearest to the god Pik.

((Romance's hometown of Vauxhul. ))

The king of Marshallton, King Crookie, tells Romance of a prophecy he, Patience, Fat Daddy and all the gods are a part of and that the world is soon to change. Romance then fights and successfully kills Pik when he shows the god of hate his reflection in a mirror King Crookie gave him, but not before losing his hand to Pik.

When Romance comes down the mountain he learns from Patience that nine years have passed since his fight with Pik began. Patience reveals to Romance what Pik saw in the mirror that allowed Romance to take the killing blow; after Love had grown up and married, Po asked Pik to tell her where her husband was always running off to. Pik reluctantly revealed Pjorrc was disguising himself as a human and married a mortal woman. Po found Pjorrc and his pregnant second wife, forcing Pjorrc to leave his human family behind, but not before asking his wife to name their son “Patience”. In retaliation for his treachery, Po proceeded to sleep with fifty men and produce the fifty bastard children in Patience’s house.

((Fat Daddy, the main villain.))

Marshallton and the entire rest of the world has fallen to the rule of Fat Daddy, who captures Romance and Patience. Fat Daddy tortures Patience into telling him how to get to Pjorrc but is unable to convince Romance to take part in his ‘new world’ or give him Po’s mask. Romance and Patience escape and leave the village to be torn apart by the fifty babies Po had, now transformed into veracious monsters after Patience didn’t feed them for the past ten years. Romance confronts Patience when he realizes the latter is Pjorrc’s son. Patience calls Romance out on his mantra of vengeance and points out that all his decisions are his own, not the gods, and instructs him to seek Love herself in Po’s basement. Patience then attempts to confront Pjorrc but is cornered and killed by Fat Daddy before he can do so.

In Po’s basement, Romance finds Love nailed to a wall, her face torn off and half eaten by her deformed husband. Love tells Romance that Po ripped off her daughter’s face in rage over Pjorrc’s infidelity and Pjorrc did not intervene fast enough. Po then threw Love into her basement, turned Love’s husband into a monster, and wore her daughter’s face as a mask - which Romance had broken into pieces moments ago after Patience had shown him his face in King Crookie’s mirror. Romance then finds Pjorrc hanging himself. As he dies, Pjorrc tells Romance to take the hand Fat Daddy had cut off and sew it onto himself, which will in turn help Romance defeat Abbledepopa.

Romance traverses the wasteland and does not find Abbledepopa, but instead a golden loom. Having seen all the destruction he and others had caused, Romance sits upon the loom and accepts his fate as the new ‘storyteller’ of the world, as he begins weaving a new one...

---

I mentioned before the animation quality of the film and why maybe that caused people to overlook it. The only other thing I could complain about on a technical level with The Romantic is it's sound design. Some of the voices and music is a little too quiet and so all these key details I had to go through the film a few times to really piece together. But that leads me to the thing I like about this movie and I'm sure others would to: the lore.

It's very hard to create a new fantasy world w it's own customs, religions, history and rules out of the blue as any YA Harry Potter/Hunger Games ripoff book could tell you. The Romantic is so unique in how it handles the pantheon and culture of these three gods and their kin; really only four or five characters throughout the entire story aren't connected to the gods or prophecy in some way, as there's the main three gods, Abbeldepappa, and the prophets Patience, Love and Fat Daddy, who make up your main cast besides Romance. There's a lot that's intentionally left unexplained and other info that must be explained, like Pjorrc and Po's marriage and Romance's feelings towards the gods, if we want to understand the former. The movie is paced pretty well and knows when to follow up on what, it's just that again some of those animation and editting shortcomings might make it hard to understand...but I don't think THAT hard. Look, if someone can enjoy Starchaser: The Legend of Orin or even better surrealist world-building films ((Fantastic Planet comes to mind)), then I say there's no reason The Romantic wouldn't have a following. There's no other way I can articulate why and what doesn't work about the story except just to recommend you watch it yourselves, but before I get into that I want to talk themes...because I love the themes and tone of The Romantic.

I revisited The Romantic a week before I made myself watch Centaurworld and The Owl House for the first time...and what a week that was~! The Romantic has the vibe of those kinds of shows along with Adventure Time and Infinity Train ((so I hear, I haven't watched the latter)). It's surreal and you'll only marvel at 'woooah wut an acid trip' for so long before you get into the vibe of the universe. It also reminded me substantially of the Broadway musical Hadestown and not just because this movie is also a self-contained, somewhat self aware fable about the relationships between humans and gods - it's very raw in how the characters talk. It's very emotional and blunt in how kind and how cruel they can be, and it doesn't make excuses or really worships any one of them. Romance himself is the world's most likable Incel: he murders a woman he thought he needed to love and blames his emotions on the gods of those passions...except the gods AREN'T the manifestations of love, time, and hate - they simply dictate and oversee it in the lives of men. It's a dynamic I really like in religious works where Gods are powerful but not all knowing or puppet masters to everyone's design- they have morality too and there is only so much you can blame and get from them.

"You made your gods into excuses and your excuses into gods!"

-Patience. This here is a cool quote. I like this quote.

No matter what, The Romantic is not gonna be a film for everyone. We all have our tastes - I think I'm drawn to it and accepting because I've come to love these kind of worlds that used to keep me up at night - these trippy 70s inspired fantasy landscapes given a whole Avatar: The Last Airbender degree of worldbuilding and character worth. It also doesn't feel exploitive in it's violence, it's sexuality, it's grimmness - it doesn't feel like it's trying to hard or going over the top because it happens to be an adult animated film, something that I love in movies like 9 or Hair High but really turns me off in stuff like Sausage Party or Wizards. Whatever go watch The Romantic...

if you can.

-----

When I first saw this film in 2016 it was actually very accessible and was even uploaded to youtube by the creator himself. I don't know WHAT happened to Michael P. Heneghan, but simply put, the man's disappeared...like...REALLY disappeared.

Lookit his IMDB. He has The Romantic and a wapping two other projects to his name. His Twitter isn't very helpful either. He last updated in early 2020 and he says next to nothing about The Romantic. It's so odd that he would one day be happy with the film enough to host it on Vimeo and Youtube but then just cop out.

According to a Reddit user: "On Valentines Day 2011, Heneghan released the film for free online through all kinds of platforms including direct download, bittorrent, Vimeo, and even directly through Archive.org. He even joked about releasing a 300 gig uncompressed version.

I know I watched it on Vimeo probably as recently as 2016. Now I can't find it anywhere. The website is dead, the Vimeo video went private, even the archive.org version has been taken down. It really looks like he wanted to wipe it off the face of the internet. His newer website mentions it, but again, the Vimeo link is dead and even that website is closed for business."

It's weeeird. What happened Michael?

And yes, obviously, other people worked on the movie.

No - I can't find out anything about them either.

I'm betting on three theories at the moment: 1) this film is an SCP or some Candle Cove weirdness with only me and a handful of people ANYWHERE remembering it, 2) something weird is going on w Michael Heneghan and it involves too something about this film. It was a scam or a scheme or a hidden agenda weirdness, 3) Heneghan's doing okay he just doesn't like this film anymore and wants it hidden while he takes a break.

Look, I get it Michael! What was once our life's worth can become cringe as you improve as an artist - you're not the person making the stuff you were ten years ago...but you should still have the film kept alive somehow. Someway.

I'm seriously the only person to have ever made fan art of this movie on the internet. That just doesn't happen, and I don't think I like being in a fandom of one. The Romantic is a testament to the power of design and storytelling > animation quality itself. Too often I see people equate good animation with smooth animation, with a budget with squash and stretch. These animations are good but art is diverse and there's so many kinds of films out there, the value of the medium can't just be in one style/form. There's a lot of honestly wonderful pieces of art out there if you know where to look and you're willing to see where it leads you.

Don't let The Romantic be the most forgotten movie of all time. Reblog this post. Show it to your friends. PM the animation community reviewer people like Saberspark and someone who isn't Saberspark and smuggle them a copy.

Keep telling the story...

#Franki's Features #The Romantic #The Romantic Michael Heneghan #The Romantic 2009 #animation #animation community #underrated animation #lost media #horror animation

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prof-peach · 3 years

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Out of all of the pokemon you have taken care of, which one do you think it was the hardest to deal with? Be cuz they were in a pretty bad shape, or just personality wise?

We get rumbunctious and rowdy Pokemon all the time, our works nature brings them to us probably more than any other issue, outside of grass Pokemon care and management. Anger and nervousness is something we have a good hold of here, and try to help iron out of various species. I do a lot of that work, and on occasion, Grey will do the odd water type with these problems, as I tend to shy away from those. For the most part, they are short stint stays, a couple months, to a couple years helping them to rewire their anger into a more productive feeling or energy. That being said, there’s alwasy the odd Pokemon who comes our way who’s just a step above the rest. So here’s some stories of the ones who have had to stay with us, for their temperament and behaviour.

On the north side of the island, we house the biggest, meanest Pokemon, and the individuals who are very timid and nervous around people. We do this to ensure they have space to live undisturbed in peace, but also to protect guests and visitors from being eaten, crushed, blasted, or otherwise harmed. Some of the northern residents are difficult yes, but most are just stroppy or uncomfortable with the majority of humans, but there are a handful that are actively engaged in harming or hunting people.

One such Pokemon is a rather nasty tempered Drampa, he came to us about five or so years ago now, kindly donated by being abandoned on our shores, it’s original trainer leaving the ball and hopping on a boat without alerting us, or letting the individual know. We figured it would be possible to rehome it, they’re usually a rather reasonable Pokemon to handle, considering their typing. We were wrong. This Pokemon when let out of the ball, went on a monsterous rampage for four days, destroying forests, toppling buildings, blasting holes in the mountain to try to burrow away, and picking fights with anything it’s size or bigger, often causing great harm to others. The island didn’t rest for that entire time, most Pokemon cowering from it, bigger species trying to halt them, all in vain. It took an entire troop of grass Pokemon using sleep powder to knock it out, the Drampa moved about so fast, one single grass type didn’t stand a chance to produce enough spores in time. It took a lot of work but we knocked the old boy out, and got a good look at him. His body was riddled with arthritis, not medicated, he would thrash about and cause himself so much pain and discomfort. He had overgrown nails, the feet hidden in the fur they have around their torso, often overlooked, and it’s ability to fly was limited because of its general condition and state. We began helping it, medicating it’s aislments, aiding it’s inflamed joints, but it never really calmed down, so now it chills out alone on the coast of the north side, left well alone, it doesn’t even like the company of other Pokemon.

We’ve done our best to interact with it, to socialise it, to generally get it use to people enough to do medical checks, but it’s still very resistant. We have decided that after two years of hard work, and it being tolerant to me, at least to check it’s health and wellbeing, that it’s best to let it live it’s life unbothered. Many would push a Pokemon to be a perfect social being, but we don’t believe it’s necessary for happiness. Some species are happy to be away from others, I wouldn’t push a human to be social, I know how awful that can be, so we didn’t force the individual to be around others either. It’s not that it’s unhappy, we spot it from time to time sitting on the rocks by the ocean, humming to itself, and the small pidgey and tailow that come by don’t bother it, and even give mild brief conversation. He seems ok, the medicine given means he’s in less pain, despite still having stiffness, and in the winter we’ve built him a unique space, rocky cover much like a cave, just above a Macargo hide where they lay eggs. The heat from those Pokemon keep its cave very hot, and help in the cold to ease the joint aches. The two species have different entrances, making sure they never meet within the hide at any point. There’s a good slab of rock dividing them, so it’s not an issue, and saves us having to pipe hot water over that far for him. He eats well, has a few items he’s kept from the labs, a toy sentret, and a large red ball, and generally is in a good place to live out his life in peace now.

Another difficult member would be a particularly timid Slazzle, gifted to us by a police member who had confiscated it from a rather mean individual close to her home town, they had been hurting the poor Pokemon, forcing it to produce an insane amount of poison liquid, throwing water on the poor thing every time it tried to ignite to retaliate, generally abusing the poor thing for its life, apparently it had been locked away since it was a young unevolved Pokemon. They’d been harvesting the poisons from the Slazzle and dropping it into various water sources to try to control the local Pokemon population, as they blamed the wild ones for the state of their land, and diminished crops yield from their allotment. Jokes on them, that water poisoning affected them too, and their garden died very quickly, and made the man quite sick through consumption of the crops he grew there. The slazzle is still very skittish, will hide at any given moment, we’ve seen her ignite an entire building in one move, and then bolt away through the flames to lose our line of sight. She managed to stay hidden for two weeks on the island, before we caught sight of her again. Generally she’s just a case fo neglect but we have been working with her now for a long while, 3 ish years, and her temperament is at least manageable amongst our staff. We have found her others of her kind to help her settle, and she’s become good friends with a Wartortle who came from the same area, they bond over memories of the place, and seem very happy in each others company.

We’ve found ways to keep her grounded, but she never goes near people when we have open days, slinks off through the big fence to the north side, and waits out the visiting hours until night. They’re not usually nocturnal but she likes the night, and spends her time looking about, foraging and feeding in the later hours. If you’re quiet you can catch her moving around the forests and the base of the mountains here, talking with the occasional individual, she seems to enjoy Murkrow too, their company seems to keep her quite social, as they usually move in large flocks here. She may never be rehomed, but for now we try to socialise her, we don’t battle her, and she has a very calm and peaceful nook to go to when she’s having a rough time. We make sure to provide support where possible, and though she’s a little skittish she’s somewhat happy to have myself and Grey, even Pari take a look at any wounds or scrapes she may gain while living here. She’s become trusting enough to come to us if we call, and who knows, maybe someone will come our way who she takes an interest in. There’s hope for her yet, we have however become quite fond of her, and she’s part of the furniture now. It may end up that she never leaves, and lives her life in peace here, surrounded by people and Pokemon who love her. Her panic makes her very difficult to pass to another trainer, and she’s prone to spitting up huge quantities of toxic liquid when spooked, and bolts at a slight bang or rumble.

One I have kept back for a number of reasons, is a rather mean tempered Aerodactyl. Normally we get Pokemon sent to us, but this one I ended up finding myself, some circus had her chained up in a box hardly big enough to turn around in, an attraction to the masses as they travelled through the area. The leader of that troop was particularly awful, treating Pokemon as commodities, items to be bought and sold, used as toys in his big performances. Boiled my blood. We called her Zeplin, and after 12 years she has still got a nasty temper on her, when not focused on a task. Her condition when we first found her was quite something, tattered wings, unable to fly straight at all, and she was littered with cuts and bruises, not in good health. Val has melted the chains that bound her, and the lock in her cage, and she just went, like a bat out of hell, flew off, blasting the tent that hid her quarters, burning a lot of the circus as she went. Little did I know, my foot was in one of the chain links, and I got dragged off with her, the ground, Val, all my other team mates, falling from my pocket, or being left on the floor where we had once been standing. She flew, and kept going, not aware I was still attached, you could see her wings were having a hard time catching the breeze, littered with holes and tears, she went for about two hours, I nearly froze that high up, trying to get a good grip on what chain was left so I didn’t come falling from that height. We came to a very sudden crash landing, she hadn’t had much chance to practice the whole take off - land thing from the feel of it, we both ate dirt, and she became very aware that I was there all of a sudden.

I had about three seconds while she assessed my presence, to get out of the chain, and dive behind a rock that gave me cover from an almighty blast of energy, chipping away bits, catching my arm a little. Trust me when I say, it’s terrifying coming face to face with something that stands a fair few meters taller than you, with more teeth and claws than you’re comfortable with dealing with, with none of your Pokemon, no weaponry, no real plan or cover other than a rock. How she didn’t eat me, I don’t know. Perhaps she knew it was me that let her go, maybe she just ran out of energy, but for whatever reason, she made a few bits and tail lashes at me, missed the lot, and gave up, turning to stomp off into the forests around us. She was still shackled with heavy irons, one on the neck, two on the legs, and was in serious condition, so I did the stupid thing and followed her, tried to sneak my way behind, though every now and then she would look towards me, and try to focus on my form in the dark of night now. It was a few days, she had stalked some prey, fed, and was starting to ooze from some wounds. Though the circus was unkind, they were providing her with medication that stopped further infections occurring, perhaps a scarred beast of great size drew more punters, maybe they were just making sure she survived to make them money, I still don’t know.

I hunted herbs, dug out roots with rocks, used river water, and common berries and managed to fashion some kind of salve, nothing amazing, especially back at that age, but it would work, I knew it would because I used it on my own wounds first. Just had to convince her it was a good thing to let me get close. Not an easy task. We physically brawled, she was clearly spent, not able to use any attacks, just thrashing about, I managed to trip her with the chains still attached to her legs, and once downed, you can jump on the head of these Pokemon to keep the jaws shut, just long enough to lather the wounds you can reach, then bolt fast. It was a small act, but she took off running again. With some wounds sort of cared for, I followed again, fishing for dinner, forraging roots to chew on. It wasn’t much but it kept me going, then one night, where I had climbed to a crook of a large tree, using my jacket to tie myself in for a nights sleep, I was awoken by loud rustling, thudding of feet, and a mighty huff.

Below where I sat, the Pokemon had returned, being no doubt well aware of my presence, following the smell of human, she had noticed the salve do a good job on the wounds I managed to reach, but the ones I couldn’t get near had become far worse, red, inflamed and weeping terribly, no doubt hurting and itching. I’d seen her rubbing her sides in the day, itching gasinst rocks and trees, smearing blood and ooze along her path as she trudged. So here we were, alone in the woods, I veeeeery carefully climbed down, staying in cover as much as possible, and over the space of an hour or two, she let me come out into the open, teeth bared yeah, but she hadn’t attacked, and other than a very uncomfortable, low growl, she allowed me to creep closer, some more of that salve made more for my own wounds than hers, being sniffed at, she licked it too, but wasn’t happy with the taste, very bitter, and I was cautiously optimistic, allowed to help her heal the rest of the cuts she had acquired from her old home. So we began our....I want to say friendship but that wasn’t it, it was a collaboration to survive.

We had landed somewhere far from others, I missed my team, and she had never experienced anything outside of the cage, and so we banded together, tentatively. We caught dinner as a team, and climbed for fruits, foraged for berries, reapplying what loose form of medicine I managed to make, before coming to some kind of comfortable companionship together. A week passed, wandering without a clue where we were, before a path was found, she seemed to want to avoid it, and while I wasn’t keen on people much either, it was impossible not to want to find my team again. They needed me, and I needed them. If they had been found, a police officer or the likes may have sent them to my original professor, waiting to be called from the PC system again, but knowing Val, she had grabbed the balls, my things, and bolted to hide, waiting for my return. In desperation I tried to explain this to the Aerodactyl, who had not experienced a trainers care before, and seemed reluctant to return.

It was only upon mentioning revenge, to burn the circus to the ground, that I regained her attention, and we came to a slow agreement to get aid, gather items, and return to where she had been released from. She waited in the forest while I went to town, checking my PC space to see if my team had been handed in, which they had! It was lucky, I was reunited with Val (vulpix), Booker (teddiursa), and Potato (bulbasaur) who I took back, and returned to the woods with.

We had to get some revenge, and in turn we devised a plan to free the Pokemon first, sneak in and pick the locks, melt the chains and gates, and then finally, let the aerodactyl do her thing once the vulnerable individuals were loose. I did my best to hold back my own personal rage, and simply aid the demise of a group who were awful towards Pokemon through this one big flying type. I wint go into details but no one perished in the fire, they were arrested and charged for unsafe work conditions, and abuse towards Pokemon, not to mention false advertising, having no worker’s Compensation in pace for injury, which many staff complained of, and several incidents of sexual harassment in the work place that were brought to light.

Once one started to talk, the others all joined in, and the fire was put down to unsafe working conditions and a lack of health and safety. From what I heard, the whole circus worth of Pokemon were rehomed, helped and generally lived much better lives after that. However now we had one very mistrusting angry Aerodactyl on our hands, a Pokemon I had not worked with before, who had seemingly become quite tolerant of me, but would snap at just about anyone who clocked eyes with her. So I kind of just kept her, no ball, not for a fair few years, we both didn’t think it was important. She was nursed back to health, and we had to go through a lot of training together, she bit booker once quite badly, but we’ve all put that in the past, and have worked on it together.

She is still testing, she won’t be ridden by anyone else, she doesn’t care for other Pokemon much, crowds will spook her, she doesn’t like when people talk with raised voices or hostile tones, and gets real irritable if you come at her in any kind of way that isn’t open handed, calm and slowly. She’s now a very capable flier, wings healed up, spending her first half of life locked up made her long for the open sky, so now we take time together to go off and ride winds when work is slow, and she’s helped in many ways to make the island functional, by moving logs, clearing paths, helping lift building materials around, and generally being there for me when I’m full of rage, which is actually annoyingly often. We’re anger buddies hah, kind of get on the same level with it. She’s become so much part of my family, and I feel like i’m part of hers now too, so I doubt she’d be rehomed, but should she find somewhere she would rather be, we wouldn’t stop her going. She is difficult, angry, snappy, tempermental, difficult, won’t be touched by strangers, likes to fight, but I’d not change her, she’s our testing monster, who we love and adore.

Went off a bit, but I figured why not, I know her, and can write more about her life and story than the others.

#pokemon #prof.peach #peach talks #long post

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incarnateirony · 3 years

Text

Someone dropped this in my submission box instead of ask box, “So I’m trying to genuinely understand what you’re saying is you understand corporate execs at the CW had a hand in the ending of supernatural? I’m not judging not attacking I swear I’m just trying to make sense of it because I had no idea about any of this up till now because I had stayed out of online fandom because well for years it felt big but anyways am I getting this right?”

---

The CW has a hand in everything. Here’s how this generally works.

The authors have ~relative~ freedom on a show. That is to say, the execs really don’t sit there splitting the nuances of the storytelling the fandom is receiving. They generally don’t even identify major markers that any of us would know (see: not even recognizing what the Roadhouse is.) -- we all knew the original ending had TFW at the Roadhouse as framed and spoiled by 15.04 among other details, and the whole “heaven/mental bar” theme from DSOTM, Nihilism, and Last Call all amplified this as an inevitability--but when you ask about “hey, is there a bar in heaven?” and get a “no?” that tells you they don’t even understand *ancient* plot beats like the Roadhouse, much less the ramifications of what it’s supposed to entail. Oh look at that, the roadhouse was just in fucking heaven like we said, but you identified it as a “cabin” because of filming locations and your basic notes.

Corporate has very basic compliance demands. They expect X, Y, and Z. What X Y and Z are across different shows vary depending on their markets. As long as the authors operate within X Y and Z, the corporate face essentially works off of synopsis of pitches and ideas.

This is also why I’ve talked about queer writing history and people being careful what they call queerbait: you don’t know what their X Y and Z are. The WB for example does not really CARE about representation. I’ve blogged about this often. We’re dollar signs. If they can package a new product to market it explicitly as LGBTQ fare, then they’ll turn you into a revenue machine by feeding you that particular fodder. When it comes to legacy shows--which is funny, because when the suit went off in my DM about this, they used the exact same phrasing as me--they’re going to play it safe, especially if they don’t truly understand the returns from the demographics they’re observing.

The space between X Y and Z is where the authors have liberty to push and, the longer and harder they push, the louder the content is allowed to get.

Here! I’ll even quote them directly, somewhat truncated because they ranted for fucking PARAGRAPHS.

“In reference to the media landscape, on a corporate level we do not distinguish fandoms. [...] That said, legacy shows such at Arrow, Supernatural, and even Flash are relics and we never really endeavored to reinvent the wheel on a corporate level, we are more focused on shows that are newer and still in our pipeline to premiere. [...] As for social media like all businesses and brands the engagement itself is key, but the content of the engagement is mostly irrelevant, though every show does have certain keywords that are often used in conjunction with harsher interactions blacklisted.”

The funny part is, they thought they were preaching to me like this was new information, but those of you that have been around my blog will PROBABLY RECOGNIZE this is almost VERBATIM exactly what I have told everybody over the years. Enough I half-suspect some trolls out there will think i wrote it myself and made it up and lob that accusation around. But there’s about 50 people that watched this conversation as it unfolded.

If you guys get mad? You’re still giving them PR. If you engage the content? You’re giving them PR. If you guys get bitchy ENOUGH? They completely blacklist a certain kind of engagement. I have literally been telling you all of this for years.

They don’t care who you are or what you want, just if you’re watching and what they at-best roughly estimate your demographic as desiring. So for example, Supernatural reading as a largely non-urban white demographic in its viewership, especially with a heavier lean in red states than most shows on the network, they presume to cater to what they perceive that demographic wants, rather than individualizing the understanding of the content, because they do not distinguish the shows or fandoms. “Oh, heavier republican white non-urban demographic” is where their understanding ends at, which is why they’re going to be utterly mystified why even my trump-voting republican neighbor from rural Alabama looked at the end result and went “what the fuck?” -- they weren’t expecting a big gay confession, but they were expecting a different sort of final tone.

Of course they’re never going to take that on for themselves and go “wow, we’re giant blazing dumbasses that understand nothing about the show!” -- they’ll, for example, claim they don’t leave network notes, when they’re still the ones passing material along about demographics and expectations etc etc. Their notes are *basic*. They do not leave *extensive* notes. Because extensive notes require extensive understanding of the content.

So for example: Berens spent since S9 slowly gaying up our show. Since they do not pay attention to the fine details of the story contents (lol no bar in heaven lolololol just a cabin lololol), he never got a note to *stop*. But it was not within the original structure plans and didn’t technically fit the demographic notes. The show continued to get aggressively gayed up, and Berens never really signed a note like “hey, I’m gaying it the fuck up” so even fandom reporters were going “THERE’S NO INTENT THERE!!!!!” -- berens operated in his very basic X, Y, Z landmarks to expand content within a story the suits literally do not pay the fuck attention to.

Corporate’s understanding is basic: dudes stabbing monsters and brothers against the world. Play in that box and keep these demographic notes in mind. You’re good.

They’ll NEVER mention blacklisting issues directly beyond what they admitted in the above quote but I DO remind you I have ranted ON AND ON AND ON how much Destiel fandom shot themselves in the goddamn foot with a fucking bazooka with the Chad Kennedy incident years ago. Others like Emily handled it intelligently to inform the *authors*. No, the network will never tell you if they blacklisted Destiel, but I informed you pretty heavily years ago that odds are, yeah, they probably fucking blacklisted Destiel.

Add in paying attention to the things Berens himself liked (if you don’t believe, scroll to Nov 5 on his tl)

Like, listen. berens knows exactly what he did and did the best he could do in the situations that were set up for him. And, frankly, I had been talking about this season as a writer room rebellion all year--just like corporate DID leave them a note in S11 that they couldn’t kill god. But if they couldn’t kill him or cage him, they would find another way. In 17 we said goodbye to Meredith and, in a way, to a MAJOR portion of Dean’s substantial story. In 18, we said goodbye to Bobo, and frankly all the parts that grew into queer Castiel that came with it. 19 and 20 became residual notes of hitting expected plot beats on the head on a rhythm, tying off godforces, and then just sliding into the Dabb subversion of them having learned to grieve, let go, and process emotions-- just the surrounding delivery left the feeling of more ~wanting~ on that front which is understandable.

But these are the kind of things people don’t even ~think~ about. This is WHY I’ve turned myself into a bulletshield protecting Berens’ work for YEARS while people yelled about queerbait not understanding the years of process he used in his unbabysat space to make something unable to dodge.

More posts he liked:

This isn’t a solo story. At the same SDCC he leaned over to my friend and grinned, whispering, “I hope you like what I did this year.” -- he knew. He knew and he fought his ass off but there was an end of the line.

That end of the line having an extra note or two to drop in the finale--never a big gay confirmation, just a “everyone’s there together, assume what you want” --is its own thing. As it is, Jensen even remarked how much of his dialogue got cut in final draft out of 18, and if the brazil dubbing footage leak tells me anything, they got the raw version before it was cut. And before they ADR’ed Dean’s sniffling collapsed against the wall. They had everything right, beyond the fact that there was supposed to be more dialogue from Dean along the lines of, “You can’t go”, or “you can’t leave” (difficult to determine what a ESL person seeing an english draft then yelling in portuguese then translated back to english meant, specifically, but something in that ballpark -- just like “don’t do this” came as “no it’s not” through the translation pipeline), and other similar minor bartering about this. And we’re not even gonna get into Dean’s hilariously loudly ADRed sniffling on the wall. Here, Jensen, breathe IMMEDIATELY into this microphone.

But they’re never going to tell you this. Of course they’re not.

Summarily, corporate had half a year of having to re-manage scheduling everybody’s flights and planners during covid rewrites to stare directly into the huge gay abyss and fuck things up.

It’s all about the unmonitored space vs the monitored space. Of COURSE they’re never going to fucking tell you these things.

FRANKLY I am DYING to see the Portuguese dub of the show to see what the fuck they do with it, all things considered. I’m pretty sure the suit in my inbox that’s trying to vagueblog around things sideways now never accounted for the fact that there’s copies of the raw available in some parts of the world. I’m... pretty sure they thought they were my only leak source in fact.

Either way--it’s not that corporate micromanages and passes constant notes. It’s that they gloss over vague summaries and plans, drop a few base expectations and performance boxes. It’s up to the authors how to kick up dust inside those boxes.

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cherryblossomtease · 3 years

Text

In The Fairest Season ~ Part 2

18+only

warnings summary masterlist

~JUNE~

The first time you sing for the Baron you haven’t even met him yet. In fact, you have no idea that he is in the audience.

Your solo, the lone aria not sung by Serena, the lead vocalist who will never let anyone forget it, opens the second act and it is your chance to show the world, or at least the city, that you are meant for greater things.

You give the song everything you have. Living it, breathing it, exhaling it out across that stage until the audience is moved to tears. You can’t see them for the lights, but you can feel it.

Follow that, you think as you glide offstage, passing the undeserving diva who strong armed her way to top billing. You don’t like to fight amongst your own kind, but if she suddenly lost her ability to speak you wouldn’t be sad about it.

Curtain call confirms your intuition. You are pulled front and center by your cast-mates and their own applause is drown out by the roar of the crowd.

The people love you.

Accepting your praise with a truly humble heart, you curtsy under a wave of roses. All the while, one man sits watching from a private box.

He is the last to stand. Not because he disagrees with the ovation, but because he’s been rendered immobile since the moment you opened your mouth.

You didn’t know it then and neither of you would be certain right away, but it is clear to any who see the way he looks at the aspiring songbird dipping low as she thanks the audience with tears in her eyes— Baron Helmut Zemo is already falling in love with you.

While finding out as much as he can about you is easy for a man like the Baron, your only knowledge of him is gained the same way as most outside of the elite circles— through rumors and whispers— and those tell the tale of a powerful man who has gained the love and devotion of his fellow soldiers and countrymen while at war with an enemy state. Though some say his tactics were less than honorable…

Either way their war was too distant, both in time and setting to matter to anyone here, but it changed the Sokovian people forever, reshaping the land and claiming so many lives.

Zemo’s wife and child among them.

You’d heard the story in passing and found it heartbreaking but hadn’t felt the need to think of it again until today, thanks in large part to the kindness of Colonel Nicholas Fury and his wife, the Lady Valentina a former Countess through marriage with a taste for danger. It comes as little surprise to those in the know that the Colonel, or his Lady wife would know someone like the Baron, who happens to be a former Colonel himself, though there are many secrets kept about their history and just how such a friendship was made.

Today however, none of it matters as the Colonel and Lady Valentina are holding a lovely benefit for the local children’s home, and while it is a reason to show off their mysterious guest, as the Baron will be staying with the pair for the season, you’d agreed to entertain long before rumors of this Baron began to make the rounds. The Colonel pays prices most girls won’t see after a month of work, and with nothing expected from you but your voice at its best and your personality front and center to charm the upper class, this is the sort of performance you look forward to.

Accompanied by piano in the grand solarium, the performance is by your own standards a very good one; Understated, gentle on the ear, but, as is evidence by the looks on the faces of the Lords and Ladies in attendance, no less impactful.

“Haunting” Is what you’re told by those who greet you afterwards and you wear that word like a badge of honor over your heart as you mingle.

It is between sets while standing at the piano that you feel the lightest touch on your shoulder.

Fingertips, brushing your bare skin with a hesitancy but such longing that your attention is grabbed instantly.

You’ve been touched like this before, but this is different—you turn around feeling curiosity instead of dread.

You aren’t quite sure how long it takes you to speak. Maybe it’s seconds, perhaps some minutes or more before you find your words, the point is, time feels irrelevant.

His gaze is as bold as the sun and you are held there, left to feel the trails of heat along your skin in the wake of it—up your arms, across your shoulders and neck, your lips— you’ve never had a man look at you this way before and not felt the urgent need to run. Instead, you take a step forward.

“Madame. Allow me to introduce his Lordship, Baron Helmut Zemo.” The Colonel announces.

With a slow bow of your head you lower into a small curtsey to show respect for the man above your station. Your eyes lift to meet his as you rise up and watch his mouth curl into a hint of a smile.

“Madame y/n” He exhales when he says your name as though he is relieved to know it and you feel the little hairs on the back of your neck rise as if he’s whispered in your ear. “It is an honor.”

You smile and thank him “The honor is of course mine, my Lord Baron.”

“After today I’ve had the privilege of watching you perform twice now. But I was beginning to fear I might never meet you in the flesh.”

Something about his choice of words makes you feel warm all over. “It seems the stars have aligned and brought us together after all.” You say with a genuine smile.

He gives a hint of a laugh and glances at Fury. “Yes a, Man shaped constellation” He teases making the Colonel grin.

“Forgive me Barron Zemo,” You say a little timid. “I hope I don’t embarrass you or myself by speaking freely, but… your accent? Please, tell me the name of your country. I’ve heard it said before but can quite recall.” You’re unable to hold back your curiosity and the way he forms words has you eager to know more.

“Ah.” He flashes a quick smile. “Well, you see I am only here to visit my friend as you know.” He says glancing at Fury. “A summer abroad. A summer away…” You catch a hint of sadness but he presses on. “I am from Sokovia. A small country but there is none that can compare to its beauty.”

“Sokovia?” You say it slowly “Yes, in passing I’ve heard it said but I am ashamed to say I could not point to it on a map. Though I’m sure it’s as beautiful as the tone you take when speaking of it.” You pause to look him in the eye. “I can hear the love you hold for your homeland in your voice Baron.” You are being polite but the truth is, you are struck by it. He has a sort of rasping tenor that comes out in a hesitant whisper, as though he wants to say more but fears saying too much.

I can take it, you think and find yourself drawing your bottom lip between your teeth as you study his. He has a wonderfully wide mouth and the way his lips move when he speaks is hypnotic.

“I will never hide my love for my country. Not after everything we have been through.” He says.

You smile reading between the lines. “I see that. And while I’m only a singer who has had her travel limited.” You admit. “I hope to perform across the world. Tell me the best Sokovian stage Baron and perhaps I will stand on it one day.” You say, aware of how eager you sound but know that it’s the truth.

The Colonel laughs like all wealthy men do when they hear the dreams of women, but the Baron does not. No, he looks at you as though you’ve just spoken your deepest desires aloud and he feels blessed to have heard them.

“One day, yes. Perhaps you will.” He says and you hope he doesn’t notice how your breath catches in your throat, but the way his eyes fix on yours makes you feel seen.

The three of you fall silent and you’re very aware of Colonel Fury watching the two of you. You see his coy smile from the corner of your eye and its clear that he thinks the Baron will have you down to your stockings by the days end, but nothing is further from the truth.

Baron Zemo doesn’t try to take your dress off, not even when you wander inside and into the library alone with him. Instead he listens to you tell stories about the parts of your life that are easy to share and with what seems to be genuine interest.

You tell him about your mother who was a singer before you, though she never made it to the big stage. You still send money home to her and your sweet father who is too sick to work but still manages to paint when he’s feeling up to it.

“So you are the product of true love.” He says and while there is an edge to his voice, he is not trying to tease. You feel him watching you touch the spines of the many books along the shelves in the dimly lit room.

“Why do you say that?” You ask, your back still to him.

“A singer and an artist who marry do it for no other reason.” He says, confident in his statement. You can hear the smile in his voice and your own grows across your face. Coming from anyone else this would be an insult. Coming from him, it turns your ordinary origins into something romantic.

“Love, with the hope of fame and money.” You correct with a smirk and find him over your shoulder.

He is standing in the light of the large south facing window and you have no choice but to turn and face him. It’s nearly unfair that any man should be so beautiful.

You’d noticed the way the other women in attendance looked at him in his exquisite jacket and vest, looking the very picture of fashionable victorian masculinity; and done without effort it would seem. Just his natural air of confidence. Honestly you’re convinced Zemo could make a workhouse uniform look like the kings cape.

What would those women do now, you wonder. With his brown hair looking almost black in the library shadows, so thick and pretty as it falls in his eyes in lovely contrast to his fair skin.

As the clouds part and a strong band of light breaks through the windows casting a warm glow over the man, you smile imagining the socialites batting their lashes and dipping into quaint curtsies to attract him, but it seems none can manage to take his eyes from you…

They would all say it’s because you’re a stage whore, a woman of ill repute with the gift of song. But they are wrong. They always are.

“Tell me Baron Zemo, how long did you say you’ll be staying” You ask crossing the room to step into the sun with him.

He looks down at you and you notice for the first time the flecks of gold in his eyes. “I must return at the end of August.”

“Oh.” You look away. It’s already June.

His body language changes a bit, like someone has splashed cold water over him and he goes stiff. Quickly as if desperate to do so, he takes hold of your hand which startles you as much as it excites you. You try not to let him see the way he’s made your own body respond but your heart threatens to leap from your chest.

“Would it be forward of me to ask you to join our small party for dinner this coming Saturday?”

Your eyes dart up finding such hope in his. “Not at all. So long as you understand what it is you’re asking?” You hate to turn the mood, it was so nice, but this needs to be said.

“What do you mean?”

“Well dinner with a performer of course. I suppose it could be seen as the Colonel’s kindness… but Baron please don’t tell me you’re so naive to the ways of the country you summer in.”

He gives you a curious frown “I forget where I am often. Your ways here will always be a little strange. You see in Sokovia, to possess a gift such as yours would see you walk among the people who look down on you here. We lift those better than ourselves up in my country.”

You feel light headed at the idea. Imagine being seen as important for what you are born with, and not for what you are born into. “It sounds wonderful.” You say, fully aware of how soft your voice is when you’re standing so close to him.

Him, this man you do not know. You pull your hand free from his.

Taking a step back you give a small curtsy. “I must go back, we have a few more songs to perform, but thank you for the walk, and for the invitation. I look forward to it!”

He smiles politely and offers to escort you, but you know better. No need ruining his reputation or starting rumors about your own.

You go back to the solarium and take up your place next to the piano and proceed to sing the heartbreaking aria that can decimate even the strongest of defenses.

Your eyes scan the room as you sing, finding hapless victims to serenade until finally you land on the Barron standing behind the rows of chairs.

The man is stricken by your words of love and loss and you think perhaps you could have warned him about your song.

When you find him again, it is an accident.

You’d gone off looking for your pianist when you find the Baron standing alone in the garden just off the parlor.

You almost speak but notice the way he stands there without moving. He is looking down at a bush of flowers; large white Lillies.

You brace against the doorframe and lean in to watch him for a moment before you realize… he raises his hand and wipes a tear before slipping it back into his pocket.

Tears over flowers? No. Not flowers, and then you understand. The war you know nothing of, took everything from him.

You feel guilty. Of all the songs you had to sing you chose the one that could break a healthy heart, what had it done to this shattered thing probably held together by nothing more than string and sheer determination.

Your own ached for him and you’d never longed to hold anything or anyone so much in your life, but you did not know him yet and quietly slipped back inside.

Your last interaction with the Baron that afternoon had been no more than a sweet goodbye, but your thoughts are preoccupied with him over the week.

You find your self thinking of the way he’d touched your shoulder while you dress for your performances, and onstage when you shut your eyes you see his looking back at you, golden in the sun.

When Saturday comes around, you ignore the teasing of your best friend Brigitte who watches the way you’re fussing over your hair and pinching your cheeks after dressing in the small apartment you share with her over the theatre. Thankfully no one keeps watch over the costumes and so you wear the pale yellow dress from last years production that you think looks best against your skin.

Brigitte asks if he’s proposed yet just to set you off, but only because she’s never seen you nervous, but then she’s never seen you so excited over a man. Presumably because none has ever managed to hold your attention for so long.

The carriage arrives to pick you up and you try desperately not to be won over by the fact that he’s sent his own.

You know that it is his.

You run your hand along the silk lined walls, inhaling deeply, picking up the faintest scent of his cologne as you sink into the seat. Your smile grows wide with no one there to see as the driver sitting high above steers the horses through the city streets, the light jostle inside keeping you alert as you imagine the Baron standing at the threshold of the estate waiting for you. It begins to feel wonderfully indecent to be surrounded by him so intimately.

And what would it feel like if he really did hold you close? Would it feel this warm and safe? Would you rest in his arms as you do his carriage, rushing past the world feeling untouchable?

Your eyes close for a moment; you are lost in a sea of daydreams until a wheel hits a large hole that jolts you back to reality. Eyes going wide, you quickly blow out the tension built up in your chest through your lips and shake you head trying not to smile. The man has held your hand one time old girl. Calm down!

You are still flushed and breathing hard when you arrive. When you see Baron Zemo waiting for you in the hall of the estate, in his dinner jacket and tie, you feel as though he knows every indecent thought you had on that incredible ride through town. If he does however, the Baron does not humiliate you, only showers you with complements on your appearance tonight.

And though the night is perfection, dinner in the city would not be dinner without a scandal. And so it goes that yours is candlelit and ripe for the pamphlets.

Colonel and Lady treat you as their guest of honor, though it is the Baron who attracts the attention of the others in attendance.

As he escorts you to the dining room, Baron Zemo dares to whisper in your ear. “If I could have entertained you and you alone, I would have made it so. But this is —not allowed —on these foreign shores.” He says and you see the way his dark gaze fixes ahead. You aren’t sure if it is Lord or Lady who earns his contempt but all you can do is hold back your laughter.

“It’s perfectly fine. The rules are there for them, so long as I am in their world I will play along. To be perfectly honest Baron… ” You look up at him in the door way and he lays his hand over yours, resting in the crook of his elbow. “This is exquisite.” You say. He smiles looking a little relieved and you notice that he’s been watching your lips as you speak and you feel yourself blush.

That however is not the moment to cause the scandal. Nor does it come from the Baron expressing his rather progressive views which he offers up like a complement to the soup course. It comes when he asks your opinion and you, shock of all shocks, give it.

The Lady Hawthorn who is also in attendance tries to cut you off, but the Baron hushes her and urges you to go on.

With him backing you, you find yourself feeling quite free to express your desire to see all people treated equally, and end your monologue by announcing that you know such a utopia could never exist so long as the wealthy are pleased and the poor too overworked to notice. This sends the Lady over the edge and Fury into a fit of laughter.

Only Baron Zemo hears the truth and he looks at you through the deep yellow glow of candlelight with pride.

Unfortunately that, is not what they print.

Rising star flies too close to the sun

“What a ridiculous thing to say” You huff carrying an armful of gowns over to the mirror in the little dressing area of your apartment.

“Maybe, but you’ll sing to a packed house tonight” Brigitte grins as she lounges on the settee in the middle of the small but colorfully decorated room. “The audience loves a spectacle.” Her French accent makes everything sound cute but it is nothing short of annoying in the moment.

“It’s hardly a spectacle Brigitte. Just bored, sad, empty headed people with nothing better to do than twist your well thought out words and opinions. My, well thought out words and opinions.” You speak with conviction while trying to ignore the sinking sense of embarrassment as you hold each dress up over your underclothes, one at a time. You are angry of course, those damned pamphlets are nothing more than a way for them to openly indulge in gossip and cruelty about you and your kind. Granted you’re not above reading them from time to time and this isn’t the first experience you’ve had with being a feature (poor Lord Quinn. He did fall in love so easily) but this is the first time that you care.

“You’re quite the radical aren’t you.” Brigitte says sitting up and sipping her tonic.

“Yes, a woman with an opinion, how will the world move on.” You roll your eyes and sling the yellow dress aside.

“Those aren’t costumes.” Brigitte says suspiciously and sits up on her knees, her arms hanging over the back of the sofa.

You look at her in the mirror and sigh. “No. I can’t keep borrowing them and besides, these aren’t for the stage.”

She’s waiting but you hesitate. “Tell me! Who are they for? It’s him right? Your Baron.”

“He isn’t mine.” You scold. “But yes, Baron Zemo has asked me to accompany him to the festival tomorrow night, and…” You pause glancing at yourself in the mirror. “I’ve said yes.”

“Of course you have, silly girl.” Brigitte giggles and gets up, coming over to you. She stands at your back, her long elegant fingers resting on your shoulders. She presses her cheek to yours and you feel the swell of love for your oldest friend rise.

The two of you have been through so much together. From escaping the cruel and often times corporal punishment of St. Augustine’s school for girls, to the deadly grasp of the streets. You’d been fighting along side one another until you both managed to sing your way onto the stage.

While Brigitte is technically better, you’re the one who sings with heart and that small edge is why your likeness will hang from the posts and not hers, but she is your friend in all things and as you gain notoriety, you have every intention of bringing her right along with you.

“I don’t know why I think anything will come of it. He’s a Baron for goodness sake.” You say scrunching your nose up at the lavender dress.

Brigitte is waiting, knowing you’ll answer your own suspicions.

“But, he looks at me and it’s as though these barriers don’t exist. I might as well be the daughter of a Duke when he smiles.”

“In his eyes, perhaps you are.” She says kindly. “Now, put those dresses away, you’ll wear my white one and look nothing less than angelic tomorrow. Tonight, you’ll sing like one and win your place in the Barons heart for good.”

As fate would have it, Baron Zemo was not at the performance last night. It means nothing though, that much is clear. He is as taken with you as you almost allow yourself to be with him. It is a dangerous game you play, one that could see you broken by the end of summer, but it is so hard to stay away…

You stroll causally behind The Colonel and Lady Fury through the park grounds along the pea gravel paths lit by paper lanterns with sparks flying from swirling machines and flames that shoot up from small bonfires.

Brigitte and your friend Eloise are bringing up the rear, but it feels as though there isn’t another soul alive. Just you and him and the beautiful menagerie that surrounds you.

The festival is one you’ve heard of but never attended and you’re almost happy you never have because as far as firsts go this one is magic.

A show of sight and sound engages every sense. There are acrobats, jugglers, stilt walkers and sword swallowers. You smell the food being sold from small carts and hear the music of the far off bandstand. You have a hard time not running around like a child as you point and shriek at the shocking, and squeal with delight at the fun. Each beautiful display of oddities and wonder that seem to never phase the Baron amaze you, though he does take great joy in watching your reaction.

When a fire breather spits yellow flames in your path, you jump back with a scream grabbing Zemo’s arm which makes him laugh.

You’re suddenly aware of how jovial his voice can be and when you look up, he smiles like you’ve never seen before and closes his hand over yours.

You think he might let go, but instead he begins to walk again, happy to keep you close.

You take in the sights on either side of the lawn, until it all begins to feel like a dream. Perhaps it was the champagne you had on arrival…

“Thank you my Lord, I’ll never forget this night.” You say under the cover of a trellis dripping with wisteria just outside of the wonderful chaos.

“It has been quite the show” He says looking back at the distant festivities before settling on you again. He quickly takes off his black topper, his hair falling into his eyes. “Unlike anything I’ve ever seen” He says looking at you with such an intensity that you can not hold the eye contact. You smile and look away spotting a servant with a large tray of champagne stacked like a pyramid of glowing gold.

Baron Zemo sees how you look at it and waves him over, taking two glasses from the top giving one to you, and raising his glass in salute.

“What do we drink to?” You ask.

Zemo thinks while looking into your eyes. Finally he raises the glass a little higher. “To the continuation of our friendship.”

You feel your cheeks flush and your mouth go a little dry. To declare a friendship between you is something you almost wish he wouldn’t say, but, it’s already been done. Still, what future can there truly be, you wonder looking up at this man who, had you been born into a wealthy family would have been yours weeks ago. But then, something about the Baron tells you not to fixate on what could have been, and to always expect the unexpected.

The sound of your glasses clinking is drown out by the boom of fireworks in the distance.

You tip your glass and drink. The champagne is sweet and cold and bubbly. You swallow with a smile only to shut your eyes when he strokes your cheek with the back of his hand, his thumb daring to glide across your bottom lip.

You inhale the moment and open your eyes to find his wanting, but not here. Not yet.

“To our future.” You say, needing him to know that you wish to push forward.

The Baron nods and takes another drink, watching you do the same over his glass. “I must insist on seeing you again, you understand?” He asks as he finishes.

“Yes of course.” You say. “I have one week, and then the show continues.” You tell him feeling sorry for it. It’s not easy to balance a life on and off the stage, in fact you’ve never really had too before, but for him you will try.

“A week.” He says it with finality. “Then let us have this week as our own.”

The next few days are a whirlwind of unforgettable moments. You are convinced any other man would be trying to impress you with his knowledge and access to things privy only to someone of his status, but with the Baron it feels as though he simply enjoys sharing his world.

From a private showing of the Kings’ collection of antiquities, to a small garden reading by one of your favorite authors who Baron Zemo happens to know personally, you spend your time together as near equals, exchanging ideas and thoughts as easily as you would with your oldest friends. It surprises you to find it so easy to speak to a man you’re only just starting to know.

Perhaps that is because he never once reminds you of the gap between your status. You are cautious to believe anything a man of such wealth says, but when the Baron speaks he seems to do so truthfully, and when he listens, he does so without judgement.

“How is it my Lord, that you seem to rise above the constraints of society while moving through it so elegantly?” You ask as he escorts you home to the theatre one evening.

You are arm in arm, the lamps are lit and the air has a certain joie de vivre that radiates from the passersby. You smile and nod hello to a couple before looking up at the Baron’s handsome profile. He walks in silence for a while and you know him well enough by now to understand that he is just thinking before speaking, which is something you greatly admire.

“I hope my manner is not offensive.” He says with a deep frown. “I simply wish to be as honest with you as possible. To pretend that I see you as someone unworthy of my attention would be a lie.”

You turn your face to hide your giddy smile but he stops walking, your hand slipping from his coat.

Confused, you spin to face him. “Baron? What is it?”

“Do not hide.” He says in all seriousness. “Your face, it’s so expressive. There is such an openness in the way you show your emotion and I fear someone has told you to keep it hidden?” He asks and you avert your eyes instinctively but quickly look back up at him.

Feeling sure, you confess. “When my parents were too poor to keep me, I was sent to Augustines as I’ve mentioned. It was there I was taught that to show joy is a sin. To cry is a sin, to be angry is a sin. Frustration, even a simple smile, all sins. Everything beautiful about who we are as living creatures must be suppressed” You say, still bitter.

The Baron scoffs shaking his head. “Nothing is a sin when you stop believing that there is someone to sin against. Your smile is a gift mala ptica, a glimpse at your pure heart, just as your tears are an expression of the pain you feel inside. People can be very cruel, and I am sorry you were ever told such lies.” He says and you see that it truly hurts him to picture you as a child, scolded for what comes naturally. “Please, do not feel as though you ever need to hide either from me. If I am the reason you smile, then I consider myself to be a fortunate man.” He pauses, looking at you as people pass by. “Conversely If I ever make you cry, well, the pain of hurting you will be my deserved punishment.” He says and though you stand apart on the dark sidewalk, you feel the warmth of his affection reach out and close its arms around you, holding you close enough that you can hear the drumming of his heart.

The week ends with a picnic, just a small luncheon taken outside with all the delightful indulgence of the spoiled upperclass.

You sit at the edge of a large blanket, covered by a spread of fruit and cheese and bread. There are biscuits and cakes, small sandwiches and of course tea— and what looks to be chopped pheasant being carried out by a young servant all the way from the house. You are thankful for the shade of the ancient tree you sit under with the women; Lady Valentina, her neighbor, who has brought her daughter-in-law, and their two cousins, all of you laughing as the men play a lazy but entertaining game of rugby in their shirts, their jackets thrown down in the grass.

You applaud for the Baron and Lord Wessex the neighbor’s son who has come home for a quick visit with his wife. They make a great team, and though the Baron insists he’s too old for sport—which he is most certainly not— he is fast and strong and shows just a glimpse of the man he must have been during the war.

“He cuts quite the figure.” One of the cousins says to the other with a wicked little grin.

You eye her prim face, almost jealous but the energy would be wasted. You know who he smiles at as he crosses the lawn.

“Yes, but I hear he’s engaged.” Says the other

“Oh? To who? Certainly not to anyone here.” Lady Valentina says sipping from her cup.

You are silent as you watch these women who you know in name only. You don’t know their hearts, but you guess them to be as cold as the pheasant.

“No. A Sokovian Duchess I believe.” The cousin says and you stare at her.

“Then why on earth is he here?” The daughter-in-law asks.

“Must not be a very happy engagement.” The cousin says, her tittering laughter joined by the others.

You smile but set your tea down and look over, watching Baron Zemo toss the large ball across the lawn to his partner. He trots backwards and calls something out, clapping a few times before stopping and resting his hands on his knees. As though he can sense your eyes on him, he looks over from his bent position, that lock of hair fallen out of place.

He told you just a day or so ago to never hide your feelings from him, and so you don’t. Honestly, given what you’ve just heard, you couldn’t if you tried.

You can only imagine how you must look because he stands upright, rakes his hair back with his fingers and stares at you, his own face long, his jaw tight.

He knows something has happened. Immediately the Baron calls for a break in the game.

You look away eyeing the women. “Please, excuse me. I believe my legs are going a little numb.” You shrug, feigning a smile at the ladies and quickly get up, brushing your skirts and walking off.

“Poor circulation from all that time standing onstage.” You hear one of them say.

“And lying on her back” Another whispers loudly to the shocked laughter of the others.

The insult stings, more so than it normally would, and you shut your eyes as you march off towards the house ready to leave.

Of course they think you’re just here playing the whore to the rakish Baron. Why you ever thought they would accept you as their own or that he would be better than the rest is beyond you.

But what truly shames you, is that you believe their gossip, even after spending time with him. And why shouldn’t you? Isn’t this what men do? Lie? Especially to women of your profession.

It’s when you’ve reached the manicured part of the lawn that you realize you’re hardly breathing and that your heart feels like it’s been run through with one of the picnic bread knives. You clutch your chest, angry at the pain as the tears that well in your eyes burn, and you curse yourself for letting him have such an effect on you at all.

“Wait.”

You gasp, startled by his voice vibrating deep in your own chest as he has come up on you by surprise; his body so close to yours you feel his breath along your neck as he takes you by the arms and pulls you into the shaded privacy of the garden trees before you can protest.

He turns you around and the look on his face is a mix of curiosity and worry, to which you find yourself surprisingly angry. “What’s happened? What have they said to you?” He asks.

“What’s wrong Baron? Are you worried that I’ve found out?” You ask and move to wipe your eyes, but you let him see, just as he’s insisted.

“Found out? mala ptica, I don’t know what you mean.”

“Don’t you?”

He just stares down and you realize you’ve never seen him confused before. “Baron? What do you think they said?”

“Some insult? A way to make you feel inferior as seems to be their casual form of amusement.” He says clearly very angry and possibly ready to march back and defend you.

You feel your anger falter. This is unexpected and you shake your head. Now you’re the one confused. “No. Baron… I—I’m afraid I’ve made something of a fool of myself if you truly have no fear of any secret being found out?” Your voice rises as you question it.

“You are not a fool y/n” He says with a hint of irritation in his voice.

You look down, steadying yourself before looking back up into his eyes. “I never expected anything from you, you know? Your friendship has been nothing short of wonderful, but I fear that in getting to know you, I’ve found it impossible not to let my romantic heart lead the way. But what can we expect from a product of love.” You toss your hands up flashing a sardonic smile.

The Baron steps forward and your eyes close reflexively when he lays his palm to your cheek. “What have you heard? Tell me.”

“That you are engaged.” You answer not wanting to prolong it. “To a Sokovian Duchess no less.”

He smiles, looks off then back down at you and you hope he never stops the gentle, rhythmic stroking of your face. “I was, and it was a mistake. I broke it off before I doomed us both to a loveless marriage.”

“I was under the assumption that people of your wealth marry to acquire more of it.”

“You assume wrong.” He says even closer “It is beneficial, but, should I ever marry again, it will be for nothing less than a love to repair what is left of my heart.”

You’re breathing faster. He is so close. It seems to happen so quickly. One moment you’re ready to leave, angry and hating that you’ve even come, embarrassed that you’ve been swayed by a Lords influence. And the next you’re standing in his shadow gazing up into his eyes…

“May I kiss you?” He asks in a way that would be very hard to refuse.

“You may” You whisper. His fingers inch along to the back of your head, his other hand pulls you in by the waist until his hips are pressed against you and his lips part; the heat of his skin so warm from running touching you before his mouth does.

It is the force and passion of his kiss that surprises you. Not overly aggressive or unwanted, it is unexpected, as though he has been longing to do this as badly as you have and now, he can not let another second pass without tasting more of you.

His tongue on your own is warm and soft as he gently enters your mouth and it is not the demure touch of society but of two people who feel a great many things, not the least of which is an urgency to do more.

The Baron pulls away, your lips leaving his slowly. You look at your hands resting on his chest over his white shirt. His cravat is a little askew letting you see a hint of skin and the shimmer of a very thin necklace that makes your stomach flutter. Your eyes flit up to meet his as he exhales very slowly.

“Thank you mala ptica” He says and kisses your forehead and you think there are many reasons for him to say this, but for now you let it be, though something else has always made you wonder…

“What does that mean?” You ask curious, eyes closed

He leans back to see your face. “What?”

“Mala… mala ti..”

“Mala ptica” He says with an amused smile. “It means—little bird actually.”

You scrunch your nose wondering why this is what he’s taken too calling you and he chuckles a little with a sigh. “Your voice is like the song of a bird, a thing of natural beauty. Forgive me for having been so familiar. It—slipped out.” He says simply.

You grin, you can’t help it and close your hands to fists in his shirt and pull him down kissing him again.

It is hard and fast but he is a most willing partner.

When you let the Baron go, you bite at the corner of your lip feeling such an urge to go down to the cool grass with him here and now, understanding why everyone seems so preoccupied by it, but the truth is no man has had you and you refuse to be the woman they expect you to be. You will not succumb, not even for a Baron, not even for this one. But he will challenge you to no end.

He smooths his hands over your face and sighs. “What now hmm?”

You mimic his movements smoothing the wrinkles you’ve caused in his shirt. “I can not go back. I don’t belong here.” You tell him.

He takes hold of your hand on his chest and holds it there. “No, I don’t believe I do either. Not today.”

“My next run begins in two days, I won’t have time to go on so many adventures with you.” You smile.

Zemo pulls your hand down but does not let go. “Then I will wait until you are free to enjoy the rest of the season with me.”

“Will you?”

“Of course.”

“It’s almost over my Lord, you’re going home at the end of summer.”

“Yes,” He says and tilts his head to find your eyes. You look at him and smile wide. “But perhaps I might persuade you to come with me.”

#baron zemo x you #zemo x reader #zemo x y/n #zemo au #baron zemo fanfiction #victorian au #victorian era #mcu au #baron helmut zemo #helmut zemo x reader #baron zemo #zemo fanfic #zemo x you #zemo in love #Baron Zemo romance because thats what we want

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stanandcharleyandfriends · 3 years

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In the thick of the COVID-19 pandemic, it seemed to Scott Neabore that the pet population had doubled as people bound to their homes sought out cats and dogs for comfort and companionship. His practice in Haddonfield, meanwhile, was still compact — just him and three vet technicians.

His schedule is fully booked with surgeries until autumn. There are no slots for more dental procedures until the beginning of next year. He has performed more spay and neuter surgeries in the last year than he ever did previously.

“The pet population essentially doubled in a year, but the veterinarian population did not,” he said. “Now we’re trying to play catch-up.”

As pet ownership sharply grew in the last year — 11.38 million households in the United States got pets during the pandemic, according to the American Pet Products Association — so did the workload for veterinary practices, many of which simultaneously grappled with COVID-19 safety protocol, concerns of thinning staff, and growing pressure to see as many patients as possible.

Even with nimble vet staff, there was sometimes a waiting period of six to seven hours at the Red Bank Veterinary Hospital emergency room in Hillsborough, N.J. — a delay exacerbated by some owners who brought in their pets for nonurgent matters, veterinarian Agatha Kuza said.

“My job has kind of become a general practice-emergency hybrid,” she said, noting that some people have paid the more expensive emergency hospital fee rather than wait longer to get their animal seen elsewhere.

In a typical 12-hour shift during the pandemic, Kuza saw 10 to 15 patients. On her busiest day, she recalled, she saw 30. Another day, when two other emergency clinics in the area diverted owners to nearby facilities, eight patients showed up at Red Bank Veterinary Hospital within an hour.

The work has become overwhelming, Kuza said. After already long days sometimes peppered with combative or accusatory pet owners, some employees stay an extra hour or two to finish their tasks, she said. Half of the nurses who were working at the hospital when Kuza was hired last year have resigned, and replacements are hard to find.

“I definitely already feel burned out,” said Kuza, who graduated in 2019 from the University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine. “I don’t see myself doing emergency — or even veterinary medicine — long term.” She has begun to see a therapist, she said, and take medication.

When COVID-19 and vet medicine collided, it brewed “a perfect storm,” said Jennifer Keeler, executive director of the Pennsylvania Veterinary Medical Association.

“We started out with not being sure if vet clinics could remain open, and in the early days, they were only open for the emergency procedures,” she said. That pushed back routine wellness visits — and the backlog compounded as people began adopting or buying new pets and bringing them in for their first checkups.

“Once they were allowed to do routine care and trying to dig out of that backlog, a lot of staff members are parents whose kids are home,” she said, noting that the majority of veterinarians and veterinary technicians in the United States are women. “So a lot of vet clinics lost staff and have been unable to fill positions. It’s really put a lot of pressure on them.”

Coupled with new rules surrounding COVID-19, such as appointments that required owners to stay outside while their pet was being seen, more owners became frustrated and angry, Keeler said.

“That can be emotional for pet owners because they want to be in with their pet,” she said. “They often give a lot of push-back to vets and staff, so it’s kind of coming at vet professionals from all angles lately.”

Turnover is then high, she said, particularly when there is low pay, little job satisfaction, burnout, and compassion fatigue. Vet technicians and technologists earned an annual median pay of $36,260 in 2020, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The agency found that the veterinarians averaged $108,350 a year as of last May.

“I get cursed at at least once a week,” said an emergency veterinarian in Philadelphia who requested anonymity for fear of jeopardizing her job. People also have threatened and yelled at her, she said, slammed doors in her face, and walked out on $2,000 bills. “It’s definitely gotten much worse.”

The workload, too, has been fierce: In the first week of the pandemic, she said, a few cat owners who began to spend more time at home observed their pets more closely and brought them in to be examined. She diagnosed three with having abdominal tumors. And she examined more puppies than usual, many of which came from Lancaster County, Missouri, or Ohio, hot spots for puppy mills.

“Everyone just wants a puppy so much right now that puppies that wouldn’t get adopted with heart murmurs or hernias are getting adopted,” she said.

Recently, she noticed an uptick in animals that had ingested marijuana.

She said she had used her own money to pay for the treatment of six animals surrendered to her practice during the COVID-19 outbreak. One was a puppy with a broken leg; another, a cat with a severed tail.

“There’s no end in sight,” she said, and recalled a shift when she had to handle 15 emergencies by herself. “And we’re just working harder and harder and harder.”

Despite increased stress, “in general, I’m doing better than most people,” she said. “... You have to not take things personally. You have to come up with ways to cope, or you can’t deal with it.”

As it stands, the industry feels broken, said Braelyn Bankoff, a graduate of Penn Vet. She left her job as a small-animal vet in April 2020 after the job left her anxious and unhappy.

“The vet world right now feels set up to go poorly from the start,” she said, and pointed to the high cost of vet school that led to people “feeling trapped” or “forced to work unsustainably,” and the expense of running a tight-margin animal hospital that invited the pressure of seeing as many patients a day as possible. The stress, so crippling at times, has given rise to Not One More Vet, a national nonprofit dedicated to bettering the mental health of vet staff.

“It puts more burden on the existing staff and results in crazy hours, unsustainable workloads, too many client expectations you just can’t support,” Bankoff said.

She ultimately found that the pressure was unhealthy.

“I started developing stress-related illness,” she said. “I saw a psychiatrist and had to get on antidepressants and anxiety medication.” She quit her job without another one lined up and started a job search. She landed her current position, an analyst for the National Board of Medical Examiners, in January.

“It’s absolutely amazing,” she said. “I have hobbies now. I have a life. I am no longer on any meds. I feel very much myself again, and that’s awesome.”

***

Published June 7, 2021. The author, Katie Park, is suburban development reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

#veterinarian #animal hospital #pets #veterinary medicine #dogs and cats

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crumblingtemple · 3 years

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Real talk about hair care neglect.

DISCLAIMER: This post is being written by someone who doesn't have textured hair, so mileage may vary when it comes to the solutions posted. In all cases, err on the side of caution when trying any of the solutions listed here.

In times of extreme distress, it gets incredibly difficult to perform even the most rudimentary of self care tasks. Hair care is often one of the things that can fall by the wayside.

Now, throughout most of history in Western civilization, people haven't washed their hair nearly as much as they do now. Many used some form of cloth as a head covering, braids were used to protect the hair in general, and to keep the oils from building up, some folks brushed their hair for a long-ass time (a hundred strokes, anyone?)

Here and now? Yeah, we don't do that. Most of us wear our hair loose, and we use this newfangled thing called shampoo to keep the oils from building up too much. (Not that there weren't precursors to shampoo, of course, but it's best to keep this history lesson brief. If you get curious about this kind of thing, there are a ton of videos on YouTube detailing the bizarre history of hair care.)

So over time, should you go too long without caring for your hair regardless of the circumstances, there are some universal truths to keep in mind:

1.) Oils will build up to unhealthy levels. Yes, we do have to have a small amount of oils on our hair as a protective measure (which is why it's recommended to not wash your hair before hitting it with caustic products like bleach,) but too much oil buildup can clog pores.

2.) Tangles will eventually lead to mats if they aren't combed or brushed out. The worse the matting gets, the higher chance your hair will get damaged, and if the matting is too severe, it may seriously interfere with anything you use to wash your hair, especially if the mats are close to your scalp.

3.) Hair care neglect can be a serious nightmare for people who have skin issues that affect the scalp. Dandruff is the most commonly known condition like this, but if you have tinea capitis (more colloquially known as ringworm of the scalp,) tinea barbae (AKA barber's itch or beard ringworm,) or folliculitis of the scalp, you definitely need to stay on top of your scalp care. And if you get too much buildup, sometimes this can lead to hair loss, which (I cannot stress enough) can be permanent.

Some ways to deal with the more severe ends of hair care neglect are:

1.) Detangling spray. You can usually find this stuff in the kids' portion of the shampoo section of most well-stocked grocery stores. Usually only best for handling small portions of severely tangled hair.

2.) Leave-in conditioner. This can be used on areas where the matting is a bit more severe than what you'd use the spray for. Definitely not a cure-all.

3.) This one may seem a bit odd, but lice combs can actually be used in cases where skin buildup on the scalp has gone a bit too far. (As someone with severe dandruff, I find myself using one every once in a while even with a far more regimented routine than I used to have.) DISCLAIMERS- Don't go for broke with it and try to do your whole head in one sitting, and definitely don't rush. You can hurt your scalp if you use one of these improperly. Always alternate with a soft brush as needed. And tread incredibly carefully if you have textured hair because this could cause breakage.

A NOTE ON DRY SHAMPOO: This can help your hair in the short term if it's just dirty. It can help your hair look cleaner for longer, and temporarily remove some of the excess oils. That being said, don't use it for multiple days in succession, as too much can contribute to buildup on your scalp. Proper washing of the scalp is necessary.

Now, if your hair is so far gone that you can't do a damn thing to get it fully untangled (especially if your whole head is covered in mats,) sometimes the only thing you can do is to cut it off. Think Heracles versus Gordian's Knot, but perhaps a bit gentler. (I don't condone the use of swords in haircutting. I don't care how badass you think it is.)

Now, of course, if you can find a professional to help you get this taken care of, and if you are in a financial position to do so, definitely go for it. Cosmetologists go to school for a long-ass time to know as much about hair as possible. It's their job (and leave a tip when you go to one!)

Here's what to do in this worst case scenario if you're unable to get someone to help you:

Try to use the closest thing to salon shears you have.

For the love of everything that's sacred, go slowly and take breaks. Your arms and your scalp will thank you.

Try to use a couple of mirrors so you can see what the hell you're doing. Going in blind can lead to injury and a ton of frustration. If you don't have access to multiple mirrors, an offline laptop with a webcam can work, but it isn't ideal.

Wash your scalp immediately after. Make certain you exfoliate your scalp gently. It will probably feel sore after you've removed the mats (it doesn't matter how gently you try to cut these off, there will be places where you had to pull.) This is normal, but if you feel additional pain, take it easy, because again, damaging your scalp is a very bad idea. Plus, if you let your hair go for this long, odds are good you still have a fair amount of damaged hair left (provided you have much left at all.)

A week or so later (or whenever you feel it's safe to do so) go in with the aforementioned lice comb or the finest tooth comb you can use depending on your hair type to get the more stubborn bits of dead skin and dirt loosened up. Accompany this with brushing and/or washing depending on what you can do at the time.

Make sure to set up reminders on a phone/calendar/what-have-you so that you don't fall into your old habits. This is so, so important. You need to get back into the swing of taking care of yourself again.

So, hopefully this helps someone. I know this delves into the more embarrassing end of recovery, but I rarely ever see posts about this subject aside from judgemental BS (which, quite frankly, is unhelpful at best.) Wishing everyone well on their journey, and I'll see you in the next post!

#self care #self help #self improvement #recovery #depresion #mental illness #mental illness recovery #self neglect #health #hygiene

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planethell · 3 years

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On Delain’s Breakup/new direction

Charlotte’s Statment:

Delain has been my world for nearing 16 years, which is half of my life and my entire career. So it is with a heavy heart that I am confirming that Delain will continue as Martijn’s solo project, and my involvement with Delain ends here.

At this time, I know that you might have questions about the ‘why’ in all of this. I fully understand and respect that. Simply put, it is the sad conclusion of more than a year of trying to find solutions to built up grievances. Part of me feels like I’m letting all of you down, I’d like you to know that this decision was not taken lightly and I apologise to those of you who had high hopes of seeing all of us together live on stage again after lockdown. Until recently, I thought this might still be in the cards for us as well.

In the last 15 years we have released music that we have poured our heart and soul into. We have toured the world, rocked so many stages and met so many wonderful fans; I cherish all of that beyond measure. Every eye locked during a lyric, every front row high five, every after show hug (remember hugs?) From the sweaty hole in the wall to the Wembleys, Wackens, and Paradisos of our career. The memories we - band, crew, fans - have made together, will last forever. And in the end, they are more important to me than the differences that we couldn’t overcome, so that’s where I’d like the focus of the narrative to be.

So where do we go from here? Otto, Timo and Joey are also leaving Delain, but will carry on making music with their own projects. Make sure you’re following what they’re up to. I can’t wait to see and hear how they will take the world by storm. Martijn will continue with Delain, and although it may be painful at first to see a Delain that I’m not a part of, I do wish him the very best in this new chapter. Like any relationship, our creative partnership has required work at times, but it has also been incredibly fruitful and I am grateful for all the things that we made together. Finally, I hope that Delain remains a positive force in everyone’s lives. We Are The Others, always will be, and none of this changes that.

As for myself, I’ll keep writing and performing music. It is the thing that gives me joy and purpose. I’m beyond grateful for my amazing community on Patreon, something that was supposed to be a side project from Delain, but will now be the primary place that I release music and create art and community.

This platform allows me to keep creating independently and I am thankful for all patrons that make this possible. I am dedicated to bring you my absolute best, and look forward to making magic with all of you.

I welcome the future with open arms, and I hope to see you on my journey. You can find the latest at http://charlottewessels.nl

With love,

Charlotte

Otto’s Statment:

A year and a day after the last Delain show, it is with heavy heart I inform you all I am no longer part of Delain. Charlotte, Timo and Joey are also no longer part of the band.

I played my very first Delain show in March 2010 in the Garage, London. Almost exactly 10 years later, Timo, Joey and I sent an e-mail to tender our resignation from the band.

Everyone close to us knew that Delain was always a very intense working environment. I could deal with it, because touring with Delain was my biggest passion. And the amazing shows we did, the great fans we had and awesome bands we toured with, all made it worth it. I really started at the bottom when it came to touring, playing for crowds of 10 people, driving thousands of kilometers crammed in a hot and smelly van, and sleeping on the couch at promotor’s houses, so I’ve always been immensely thankful of the level Delain operated on.

In 2018 and 2019 however, the atmosphere in the band deteriorated. This came to an all time low during the 2019 fall tours in the USA and Europe. While these tours were successes in themselves, with great crowd responses, a very good production and amazing road crew, good sales and great (support)bands, it became increasingly clear that Martijn was very unhappy to be on tour, and unhappy about how Delain had developed from his own project, to the band it became. It was obvious to everyone we couldn’t continue in this way.

So now, almost a year after I (and Timo, and Joey,) decided to leave Delain, it’s official. Charlotte is also no longer part of Delain, so Martijn will be continuing Delain on his own. Over the past year I’ve been disappointed, furious, heartbroken, frustrated, and most of all I have just really really missed touring. But as you all know, we all happen to be in that same boat. Around the time we decided to quit, COVID-19 became the monster it is today.

This is by no means goodbye. I may be ‘getting too old for this shit’ but have no intention of retiring! I will definitely do everything to be back on the road whenever COVID-19 measures permit shows again. Meanwhile, I’ll be working on play-through videos and I’ll keep sharing my photography adventures.

A lot of the memories I made over the past 10 years are the very best of my life. I want to thank everyone who was a part of it, Delain fans all over the world, bandmates and road crew, and bands we toured with in particular. I wish Charlotte, Timo, Joey and Martijn the very best in the musical adventures that lay ahead of them. For their stories, check out their and Delain's Facebook statements

Martjin’s Statment:

Delain Goes Back to its Roots.

For the last year or so, the collaboration within the band ceased to work as well as it once had. Some of us were no longer happy with the current roles in the band. We all tried very hard to find a solution for over a year, but sadly we were unable to find one.

As a result, we will all be going our own ways and pursuing our own endeavors. I am very sad our cooperation has come to end, but at the same time I am very grateful for all the years we were able to work together. Together we toured the world, shared highs and lows, and met with many successes as well as times that pushed us to learn and grow. We all enjoyed meeting our fans and making new friends all over the globe. I would like to thank my fellow bandmates and wish Timo, Otto, Joey, and especially Charlotte the very best for the future! And I hope that will mean onwards and upwards to new musical adventures for each of them!

I can’t express my gratitude enough to all of you Delainers that have supported us over so many years. Your dedication to the music and the community you created for us has been overwhelming. Even though this situation is not ideal, change never usually is at first, I hope you will continue to join Delain on its new journey. This is not the end of Delain. It’s the end of a chapter, but also the beginning of a new one.

Timo’s Statment (thanks @hauntedwhispers for telling me where to find this one)

These are the only statements I’ve seen from bandmembers so far, please feel free to add more if/when you see them

#delain #metal #music #charlotte wessels #delain band #symphonic metal

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rpf-bat · 4 years

Text

I Choose Defeat

Pairing: Gerard Way x Reader

Genre: Angst, Drama

Summary: Written for Gothtober 2020, Day 5. Prompt: “Killing Romance.”

When Gerard makes the decision to ‘kill’ My Chemical Romance, your hidden feelings for him, turn to despair. You’re crushed by the reality that he’s no longer your bandmate, but you try your best to move on. Four years later, you have a quiet life in New Jersey - and a child that isn’t is. But, when you get a call in the middle of the night, asking you to get the band back together, you find yourself jumping at the chance.

You and the other members of My Chemical Romance, sat around a coffee table, at Reprise Records headquarters. You sipped from your mug anxiously, unsure why Gerard had called this meeting.

Is this about the new studio space?, you wondered. He did say he wanted to build a new recording spot, on his property, so that we’ll have an easier time, putting together the rest of the new album.

But, something in his melancholy expression, told you that he wasn’t here, to show off blueprints. His hazel eyes seemed to stare right through you.

You glanced at Frank on your right, and Ray and Mikey on your left. They seemed nervous, too, as they waited for Gerard to speak. The silence in the room was deafening.

“So,” Gerard said finally, “I’ve decided I quit.”

“What?” you blinked.

“I no longer want to be the vocalist of My Chemical Romance,” Gerard spelled out. “I’m out.”

Four jaws dropped in unison. The mug nearly fell right out of your hand.

“That means that My Chemical Romance is….over with,” Mikey realized. “I mean, there’s no way in hell that we could continue the band without you.”

This much was obvious - Gerard was the group’s leader. It’s visionary. A drummer, such as yourself? Potentially replaceable. But the vocalist, lyricist, and frontman? No way. If he was done, his departure would be a bullet between My Chemical Romance’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard sighed. “I’ve been trying, to act like everything’s fine, and keep working on new songs with you guys. But….my heart’s just not in it anymore.”

“What about the new album?!” Frank interjected. “The demos we’ve been working on so far….I thought those songs really had potential!”

“The guitar parts you wrote were good, Frankie,” Gerard admitted. “If you want to take those melodies, and recycle them into a new project, at some point? You definitely have my blessing to do that.”

“Frank might be fine forming some new band, with new people,” you said, tears forming in your eyes, “but, what about me? What am I supposed to do?”

You had dropped out of school, years ago, when Gerard asked you to drum for his band. And the truth was, that you had nothing to fall back on. You’d spent the last decade of your life, focused on nothing, but being in My Chem. Now, that career was just….gone.

“I was talking to Andy Hurley the other day,” Gerard said calmly. “He said, that when Fall Out Boy broke up, he became a touring drummer, for some other bands. Like, I think he went on the road with Earth Crisis for a while.”

“Oh, so you just have all the answers, is that it?” you snapped. You didn’t think, he’d really given that much thought, to how this would affect you, at all.

“Y/N, come on,” Ray intervened, putting a hand on your shoulder. “You have to admit….the last tour, was really hard on all of us.”

“He’s right,” Mikey sighed. “We were constantly jet lagged. I was eating No-Doz like candy, just to stay awake, during some of our shows.”

“I...I never said being in this band was easy,” you stammered, “but that doesn’t mean you just give up!”

“I can’t force it, if the passion’s just not there anymore!” Gerard insisted. “Do you remember the last show we played?”

“Yeah, what about it?” you demanded.

“I wasn’t even looking at the fucking crowd,” Gerard confessed. “Or at my mic. My head was somewhere completely else. I was looking at the sea, in the distance. I didn’t want to be on that stage. And I know that our performance suffered, because of that. It wasn’t my best work. If I can’t give the fans the show they deserve, I’d rather not do any more shows, at all.”

“You didn’t feel happy at all, when you were playing with us?” you realized.

“No,” Gerard said bluntly. “I felt nothing.”

Your chest hurt, and your eyes welled up with tears. Nothing?

Being onstage with Gerard, watching him sing, from behind your drum kit, was euphoria to you. A high that no drug could match. Listening to the crowd sing along with him, as you played your heart out....those were always the best nights of your life. But, clearly, he didn’t feel the same way, that you did.

You always thought you’d have more time with him. Whether it was in the studio, or on tour….you’d taken for granted, that you would have another opportunity, to tell him how you really felt.

You’d had feelings for him, for a long time. To put it frankly, you were in love with him.

I told myself, that as soon as we finished the record, I would confess my feelings to him, you recalled, your hands shaking. I didn’t want it to affect the work we were doing in the studio, so I was going to wait. But now the fifth MCR album, is never going to exist!

Even if your fantasies of dating him never materialized, you thought you would always have him, as a bandmate. Even if we never became boyfriend and girlfriend….we would still travel the world together, as singer and drummer. That was something I thought I could always rely on!

Now, everything you thought you’d have, was up in smoke. It was like the rug had been pulled out from under you.

“Gerard, how could you?!” you cried, unable to stop the tears, from falling from your eyes. “Don’t you get it? I don’t want to be in any band, if it’s not with you!”

“Y/N, I’m sorry…,” Gerard began, seeming taken aback, by how deeply, his words had wounded you.

“Save it!” you barked. “I don’t want to hear it!”

You grabbed your keys, and stormed out of the room.

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard cried.

His voice didn’t stop you. If nothing was what he felt, sharing the stage with you….then, nothing was exactly what you would be to each other, from this day on.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

FOUR YEARS LATER

You’d moved back to New Jersey, after the band broke up. Los Angeles held nothing for you anymore, but memories. All you wanted was to forget.

You’d tried to fill the void in your heart, by blowing money on vinyls. You thought maybe, if you turned the volume all the way up, and made the whole house shake with sound, you wouldn’t be able to hear Gerard’s voice, in the back of your head. I felt nothing.

Your time together had been special to you….but, clearly, you thought, it hadn’t been special to him. So, when the guy at the record store, had asked for your number, you’d given it to him.

You thought you could get over Gerard, by jumping into bed with someone else. Patrick certainly wasn’t unattractive. And, he was never unkind to you. When he told you that he loved you, you said it back.

But…..you didn’t mean it. Deep down in your heart, you knew you were still in love with Gerard. And the worst part was, Patrick knew it, too. So, the relationship failed. Of course it did.

But, it had left you with one good thing: a child. You loved your daughter, even though you didn’t love her father. Motherhood had given you a reason to get out of bed every day. Even if you felt like your life was in shambles, you still had a responsibility, to be there for her.

She looked up at you, with innocent blue eyes, as you tucked her into bed.

“Mommy need hug?” she asked, holding her teddy bear tightly.

“No, sweetheart,” you sighed, ashamed that your mental state was so obvious, even to a toddler. “Mommy’s okay.”

You thought to yourself, as you kissed her goodnight, that she might be the only person in this world, to ever truly love you unconditionally.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You were sitting at the kitchen table, alone with your thoughts, and a glass of Pinot, when the phone rang. You wondered who it could be, at this hour.

“Hey, Y/N,” said a familiar voice, when you picked up.

“Frank?” you blinked. “What’s up?”

“How are you doing?” your former bandmate asked gently.

“Pretty good,” you lied. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” Frank admitted. “I just got done with a tour, not too long ago.”

Right, you remembered. He’s got his own little solo project now.

“What are you calling yourselves these days?” you asked. “The Cellabration?”

“No, it’s The Patience now,” Frank corrected. “Man, I really wish I could have convinced you to join us. You know you were my first pick, for a drummer.”

“You found a better one,” you shrugged. “I bought a copy of your CD. It sounds like Matt Olsson is doing a hell of a job.”

“I’ll tell him you said that,” Frank chuckled. “You been up to much, music wise?”

“Nah,” you confessed. “I mean, I did a little production stuff, for an indie label, here in town. But mostly, I’ve just been living off royalties, and child support.”

“Fair enough,” Frank replied. “How’s the little one doing?”

“Lena‘s doing great,” you smiled. “She’s full of energy, like most three year olds are.”

You heard Frank laughing.

“What?” you asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I still can’t believe,” Frank snickered, “that you named your daughter Helena.”

“Of course I did,” you said wistfully. “Of all the songs we ever composed together, I think that was my favorite.”

“Honestly, it’s one of my favorites, too,” Frank confessed.

“How are Lily and Cherry?” you asked. “And Miles?”

“The twins just had their seventh birthday,” Frank said proudly. “God, they’re getting so big. And Miles just started kindergarten, he loves it.”

“That’s great,” you smiled. “Lena and I, should come over and visit you guys soon.”

“I’d really like that,” Frank agreed. “I mean, you’re right down the road, after all.”

It was true - Frank, was the only other former band member, who had returned to New Jersey, after things went south.

“....That’s actually part of, what I wanted to talk to you about,” Frank said, after a moment.

“What do you mean?” you wondered.

“So….you and I, still hang out all the time,” Frank began.

“...Yeah?” you nodded. Where was he going with this?

“But, you also visited Ray not too long ago, right?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah, last fall,” you recalled. “He invited me down to his house in California. He wanted me to play drums, for a track on Remember The Laughter.”

It had been nice to see him again - and even nicer, to get out of the East Coast snow.

“But, while you were in LA, you also hung out with Mikey, right?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” you confirmed. “He asked me to go to a Dodgers game with him, while I was in town. It was pretty fun. He was asking me for parenting advice the whole time, because Kristin was pregnant with Rowan.”

All of the former members of My Chemical Romance were parents now….except one. But, you didn’t want to talk about him. To your chagrin, this was the exact person, whom Frank asked about next.

“What about Gerard?” he demanded.

“What about him?” you scoffed. Even after all this time, thinking about him, still hurt.

“I was texting Gee last night,” Frank explained. “Y/N….he told me that you haven’t gone and seen him, even once, since the day the band broke up.”

“It’s true,” you admitted.

“Shit, man,” Frank swore. “It’s been four years. Do you really hate him, that much?”

“I don’t hate him,” you said softly.

“Could’ve fooled me,” Frank tutted. “Was it really necessary, to block his number?”

“It was,” you insisted. “I have nothing to say to him.”

“Well,” Frank revealed, “he had something, that he wanted me to say to you.”

Your eyes widened.

“What is it?!” you demanded.

“Damn,” Frank teased. “You sound pretty eager, for someone who refuses to speak to him directly. For the record, it’s kinda childish, if you ask me! You and I are both in our thirties now - and he just turned fuckin’ forty. And I still have to be a go-between, for you two?”

“Just tell me what he said, already,” you said impatiently.

“Fine, fine,” Frank sighed. “I’ll get to the point.”

“Well, what is it?” What could he possibly have to say, after all this time?

“He asked me,” Frank whispered, “if you would be interested, in getting the band back together.”

You dropped the phone in shock. It hit the tile floor, with a crash. You were lucky, that the noise didn’t wake Lena. You bit your lip. You wanted to scream, but you couldn’t.

Was this real?! you thought, your hands shaking. Oh, god, please let it be real.

You’d wanted to hear those words for so long. Despite all your anger and resentment towards Gerard….you wanted him, to miss you. You wanted him, to want to get onstage with you again. Because deep down….you still wanted, that, too.

You picked the phone up off the floor, and pressed it to your ear again.

“Damn, Y/N, what was that?” Frank gaped.

“Sorry,” you mumbled. “I can hear you now. So….tell me again? Exactly what he said?”

“He said he wants to get all five of us in a room together,” Frank explained. “Just...try and jam for a little bit, and see where it goes from there.”

“Where?” you asked. “LA, I’m guessing?”

“Yeah….”

“Ok, when?” you interrupted. “I can try and find a sitter, to watch Lena for a weekend, so….”

“Slow down!” Frank urged. “What the fuck, Y/N?”

“What do you mean, what the fuck?” you asked, eyes narrowing.

“You just told me, you haven’t said two words to Gerard, since 2013!” Frank reminded. “Now, all of a sudden, you’re chomping at the bit, to get on a plane, and go see him?”

He had a point. You hated yourself for this. You’d spent the last four years, trying desperately to forget about Gerard. Now, as soon as he dangled the possibility of a reunion in front of you, you were wagging your tail like a dog for him.

He still has me in the palm of your hand, you realized, cheeks burning. I hate it.

“We weren’t sure,” Frank confessed, “if you would want to be part of the reunion at all. You guys didn’t leave things on the best of terms. Like...when you see him again, what the hell are you gonna say to him?”

“I….I don’t know,” you realized. You thought about it for a moment.

“One thing’s for sure,” you decided. “If My Chemical Romance is having a reunion, you’re sure as hell, not gonna have it without me.”

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

You hesitated in the studio doorway, your hand shaking on the door handle.

Come on, you told yourself. You’ve come all this way. The flight from La Guardia to LAX was seven hours long. You had all that time, to talk yourself out of doing this. But, you’re here now. You’ve decided this is what you want.

Steeling yourself, you turned the knob, and entered the room.

He was there, as soon as you walked in. His hair was a natural brown now - not the short blonde it had been, the last time you’d seen him. It had become streaked with grey - but, then again, so had yours. Despite the lines of middle age, that had now begun to crease his face, he was still so, breathtakingly handsome.

“Hey, Y/N,” Gerard said, his voice melting you like butter. “You look great.”

You didn’t say so do you - even though it was true.

“H-how you have been?” you asked, trying to hide your shakes.

“I’ve been well,” Gerard smiled. “How’s Patrick?”

“We’re divorced,” you said dryly.

“....Oh,” Gerard gasped. “Oh, fuck, Y/N, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You would, if you shot me an email, once in a while,” you snapped, remembering that you were supposed to ‘hate’ him.

“Oh, so my number’s blocked, but an email’s fine with you?” Gerard huffed. “How am I supposed to know that? The telephone works both ways, you know.”

“Guys!” interrupted the voice of the reason. “Can you not? Please?”

“Ray!” you gasped, turning to face your frizzy-haired friend. “How are you? It’s so good to see you!”

“It’s good to see you, too, Y/N,” Ray smiled. “I missed you.”

“I missed you guys, too,” said another familiar voice, as Mikey entered the room.

“Hey!” you smiled, walking over to greet him. “How’s the baby doing?”

“She’s beautiful,” Mikey said proudly. “How’s Helena?”

“Little Lena is getting bigger every day,” you smiled. “She’s adorable.”

“You can compare baby pictures later,” joked another voice. “I’d win that contest, anyway. I have three cuties at home.”

“Hi, Frank!” Mikey grinned. “How have you been, dude?”

“Pretty good,” Frank smiled, setting down his guitar case. “Looks like the gang’s all here.”

You looked around the room, scarcely believing it was true. But, you didn’t have to pinch yourself. It was real- all five members of My Chemical Romance, were together again.

“Are you ready to jam?” Ray grinned.

“Absolutely,” you said, surprising yourself.

“What should we play first?” Frank asked, taking his guitar out of its case, and hooking the strap over his shoulder.

“Good question,” Gerard shrugged, walking over to the microphone stand, and adjusting it to his height.

“What about ‘Helena’?” Mikey suggested, tuning his bass.

“Sounds good to me,” you replied. You sat down, behind the drum kit, that the studio space owned. You still had your original kit - with the Danger Days “Exterminate” drum cover - in your basement, back home.

You picked up your sticks. It had been so long, but holding them in your hands, felt so right, in a way that you couldn’t describe.

“Ray, you wanna start us off?” Gerard asked.

“Alright,” Ray nodded. “One, two, three, four…”

He began to play the opening notes, that you knew so well.

“Long ago,” Gerard crooned, “just like the hearse you, died to get in again…”

Your cymbals joined him - and at just the right time, too. Like muscle memory coming back.

“We are,” Gerard sang, “so far from you!”

Mikey and Frank’s parts kicked in, and you felt a wave of adrenaline, that hit you so fast, it almost made you miss the beat.

“Burning on…,” Gerard continued, surprisingly in-key.

“Just like a match you strike to incineraaaaate!” Ray harmonized, “the lives of everyone you knoooow!”

The two men sounded incredible together, given that the last time they’d performed this song, was 2012. It was like riding a bike, you realized. You guys had played this one together, so many times, that it only took being next to each other, to unlock it all again.

You felt a wave of nostalgia, as the song continued:

And what's the worst you take (worst you take)

From every heart you break (heart you break)

And like the blade you stain (blade you stain)

Well, I've been holding on tonight

What's the worst that I can say?

Things are better if I stay

So long and goodnight

So long not goodnight

“....Fuck, that sounded so good!” Gerard grinned, stopping after the chorus. “I thought we’d be really rusty!”

“I know, right?” Ray laughed.

Suddenly, Gerard’s smile faded, as he turned back, and looked at you. “....Y/N?”

“What?” you asked. “I agree, that was decent.”

“Y/N….you’re crying,” Gerard said softly.

“Huh?” you blinked. You set your drumstick down, and touched your finger to your eye. It came away wet.

Fuck, you realized, he’s right. You hadn’t even noticed. Despite the sharp words you’d exchanged, when you walked in the door, playing together, had made your true feelings plain. You had missed this. You had missed this so much.

“I….I think I need a smoke break,” you stammered, and headed for the door.

“Y/N! Wait!” Gerard called. It sounded just like deja vu.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

He found you outside, holding a cigarette in your shaking palm. You could barely see the lighter through your tears. The stupid flame wouldn’t catch.

“You want me to get that?” Gerard offered.

“No!” you sniffed. “Just, go away!”

Ignoring you, Gerard took the lighter from your hand.

“Here,” he said, and lit the cigarette for you. You took a drag.

“....You want one?” you offered, awkwardly handing him the pack, as you wiped your eyes.

“Nah,” Gerard shook his head. “I quit.”

“...Did you really?” you blinked, surprised.

“Yeah, just this year,” Gerard nodded. “I figured, if we were gonna do this, I wanted to make sure, that my lungs were in good shape.”

“....How long have you known, that you wanted to come back?” you wondered.

“Not long,” Gerard confessed. “Honestly, I thought you would say no.”

“To you?” you laughed, bitterly. “Never.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Gerard raised an eyebrow. “I thought you can’t stand me, these days.”

“Gee,” you sighed. “Listen….I never hated you.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“It wasn’t hate, that kept me away,” you confessed. “It was love.”

“Love?” Gerard repeated, confused.

“You broke my heart,” you explained, “when you killed the band.”

“Yeah, all the guys were heartbroken, when I told them it was over,” Gerard acknowledged.

“No,” you shook your head. “You don’t understand.”

“Then, explain it to me!” Gerard demanded. “Nobody was happy with me with that day, but you’re the only one who cut off all contact afterwards! And I have spent every day, of the last four years, wondering why!”

“Because I was in love with you, you idiot!” you cried.

Gerard gasped, staring at you in shock.

Fuck, you trembled. I can’t believe I said that out loud.

“You….wanted to be with me?” Gerard asked, eyes wide.

“Of course I did,” you said, beginning to cry again. “But, you didn’t even want me as a bandmate anymore - let alone a lover. You didn’t feel a thing - you gave up our life’s work, like it was nothing to you.”

“Y/N, I was relapsing,” Gerard said softly, staring at his shoes.

“You….you what?”

“During the World Contamination Tour,” Gerard admitted, shame-faced. “The stress of being on the road, it was just too much for me. I was seven years sober, and I fell off the wagon. I hated myself for it. But I knew, if we started another album cycle, and went on another tour, after that….I was going to do it again.”

“That’s why you wanted to quit the band?” you realized. “I never knew….”

“You never let me explain myself!” Gerard reminded. “You just took off!”

“B-but, I never noticed you drinking, when we were on tour….” you stammered.

“I hid it well,” Gerard sighed. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. You thought I was such a great guy….I didn’t want you to see the truth about me.”

“You are a great guy, Gee,” you assured him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t gotten so angry at you, for making the choice you made, if I had known how badly you were struggling, on the inside….”

“It was kill the band,” Gerard revealed, “or fall back into the bad habits, that were going to kill me.”

“I….I don’t want you to get killed, Gerard,” you sobbed. “I would never, ever want that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, for how I’ve treated you, this whole time….”

“I’m sorry, too,” Gerard said, reaching a gentle hand up, to wipe the tear from your eye. “I’m sorry, that I was so self-absorbed, that I never realized, how you felt about me.”

“I hid that well, too,” you confessed.

“I would never have wasted the last four years of my life like this,” Gerard sighed, “if I had known, that my feelings were reciprocated.”

“Re…Reciprocated?” you repeated. No….could he mean….?

“After you went back to Jersey,” Gerard bared his soul, “I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And I didn’t know why. By the time I figured it out - by the time I was sober, and mentally stable again, and the type of man you actually deserved - goddamnit, Y/N, you were married to someone else!”

“I only accepted Patrick’s proposal, because I was pregnant,” you admitted, embarrassed. “And I only slept with him, in the first place, to try and convince myself, that I was capable of wanting, somebody who wasn’t you.”

“But….you and Patrick split up,” Gerard realized. “Fuck. Y/N. If I had known, that you two weren’t still together….I would have been on a plane to New Jersey, months ago, begging you for another chance.”

“I don’t want him,” you cried. “I want you, Gerard. I always did. I wished Lena was yours, because the wanting never stopped. I want you still!”

“Then, be mine, damnit!” Gerard cried, and took you in his arms. He kissed your tear stained face, and your sobbing finally stopped, as his lips crashed into yours.

He tasted so sweet….everything you’d wanted, and more. It was like a dream come true.

“The guys are waiting inside,” you reminded, “for us to go back in there, and play some more songs with them.”

“Let then wait,” Gerard shushed you, pulling you in again. “I’ve waited four years for this.”

He kissed you, and you felt as if you could fly. All was, finally, right with the world again.

#gerard way x reader #gerard way imagine #band member reader #gothtober #damn I actually really like how this one turned out #I was listening to Forget Me Too by MGK while I was writing it #idk the vibes are the same

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prettywordsyouleft · 4 years

Text

Labelling Love | Part 2 (Collab)

Summary: Meeting you changed the way Eunwoo viewed romance and love entirely.

Pairing: Cha Eunwoo x female reader

Genre: university au / romance / fluff

Warnings: none

A/N: Welcome to the second series in the monthly Love In Fours Ways collab with @jackiejacks923 @noona-clock & @this-song-thats-only-for-you . In the final week of each month during this collab, we’ll be each sharing a mini-series using 4 of the pictures/concepts illustrated in the book that inspired our series that I’ve credited below.

Credit to: Puuung - Love Is In The Small Things // #76 , #60 , #4 , #33

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 // Collab Masterlist

Part 2 - The Moment Just Before The Actual Kiss, Which Is Sometimes Even Sweeter Than The Kiss Itself

Blinking at his admission, your eyes then grew unfocused. “You… you what?”

“I know it’s ridiculous. Believe me, I don’t understand it either,” he continued hastily, letting go of your arm and running a hand through his hair. “But ever since I first saw you, I’ve been distracted like this.”

A small smile ghosted over your lips. “I see.”

“I’m normally rather efficient, not at all a bumbling mess like this.”

“And I make that harder?”

“You’re enjoying this now,” he lamented and you giggled before biting at your bottom lip. Eunwoo couldn’t help but groan at your elated expression. “Meanwhile I think I’m going insane.”

“I think you’re just being really romantic.”

Eunwoo laughed, shaking his head. “Oh no, that’s not me.”

“It’s not?” you echoed, pursing your lips together.

Oh god, why had he noticed them right at that moment?

Blinking rapidly, he sat back in his chair quickly. You watched him before grinning. “What’s not romantic about a guy telling you the reason he can’t think straight is because of you? Most girls dream of being told this, you know.”

“Really? But it’s so…”

“Romantic,” you repeated, your smile splitting your lips further. “Thank you for telling me the truth, Eunwoo.”

He sighed, glancing at you cautiously. “What do we do now about it?”

“Well, if sitting next to me is a bother, we could try moving apart so long as you don’t use this confession as something to avoid me entirely with.” Eunwoo didn’t mention out loud that it had been a thought he possessed, but you seemed to notice and hissed at him. “You can’t!”

“I dislike being this hopeless,” he told you with a pout which only made you further unable to remove your amusement. “Stop having so much fun at my expense!”

“You haven’t asked me what my thoughts are around this situation, Eunwoo.”

“Do I have to? It’s a ridiculous problem to have and I’m already struggling to navigate it myself.”

“We could do it together,” you offered airily, not quite meeting his gaze. “You know, like a team.”

“A team?”

“Yeah, we could work on extending your comfort zone whilst in my company. I’m sure the more time we spend together, you’ll find your footing again. Attraction only bothers people with a crush temporarily.”

Eunwoo glanced around the café before shooting you an exasperated look. “A crush?! Y/N, come-”

“I could take away the crush aspect of your problem, if you want, Eunwoo. Who’s to say I don’t have one too?”

Eunwoo stared at you dumbfounded until he started to grow dizzy. Yearning for fresh air, he barely breathed out an excuse me before dashing for the exit, walking briskly down the sidewalk whilst breathing in deeply.

You caught up to him a moment later. “You’re so dramatic.”

“Not usually,” he replied with a side glance in your direction. He couldn’t help but scrunch up his face when he realised the itch in his palm to reach out for yours.

He pocketed his hands deeply into his jeans.

“So you like me. And perhaps I like you.”

Eunwoo stopped walking and stared at you imploringly. “Did you like me before or after I admitted to being bothered by you?”

“Does it matter?”

“You’re just stunned because a guy said some nice things.”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” you corrected and stepped closer. “I haven’t met someone who I can easily talk to right away like you. Normally I’m really reserved. Plus, I can’t deny that you’re rather handsome, either.”

Eunwoo couldn’t help but laugh then. “So normally we’re both different from how we’re representing to one another now.”

“It means something.”

“I don’t believe in love at first sight,” he warned and you shrugged.

“Did I say I was in love? I just suggested we explore this. I’ll help you get over this issue you’re dealing with and see if what I feel is something worth acting upon. What do you say?”

Eunwoo sighed and after a moment’s thought, he nodded. “That sounds like the best option we have.”

Much to Eunwoo’s surprise, your idea worked well. It took enduring through another two weeks of less than stellar performances from him in class before he found the rhythm needed to be productive at your side. And because this was achieved by spending all his time in between classes with you, you were now efficient study buddies. You bounced ideas off one another, even with your other subjects that you didn’t take together. Eunwoo was also able to spend hours just reading across from you and whilst he still had moments where he stopped and stared or felt his heart racing, he was no longer incapable.

The physical reactions hadn’t stopped though. If anything, they had intensified. He would often find himself itching to reach out for you and sometimes he did that, relishing in the moment of connection. Holding your hand or letting you lean against him when you grew tired at the end of a cramming session made Eunwoo feel more in control of the reactions. He was empowered every time he gave into them.

And that made him realise that things had progressed in his mind further than just a crush.

“What are you doing over the weekend?” you asked during lunch and Eunwoo glanced up at you and shrugged.

“Probably nothing aside from a bit of study.”

“Nothing?” you asked and then shook your head. “That won’t do!”

“Being lazy and not attending school sounds like it’ll do just fine,” he admitted with a smirk and you rolled your eyes impatiently.

“But you could do more than that.”

“I could?” he wondered, looking at you curiously. “Like what?”

“We could go to the arcade or see a movie or-”

“Like a date?” he interrupted and you clamped your mouth shut, giving a small shy nod. He grinned. “Did you just try to ask me out on a date, Y/N?”

“Well you’re taking forever to do so and I just thought that it would be nice to spend time together outside of the university campus and explore more of what this feeling is between us.”

It was his turn to be delighted at your expense, chuckling when you started to grumble incoherently. Eunwoo leaned towards you with another smirk. “When will you pick me up?”

“You’ll go out with me?” you breathed and then a smile grew on your lips. “Really?”

“You’ll have to be prepared for me though. I’ve barely been holding back these last few days from you. If we’re going on a date, who knows what will happen.”

Actually, it wasn’t much different from daily life at your side. So far, you had enjoyed the arcade together and even saw a comedy that made his sides hurt from too much laughter. Now he was holding your hand and swinging it lightly as you ate ice-creams walking alongside the river. Conversation had flowed freely as had the smiles. Eunwoo was pretty sure the corners of his mouth were going to ache tomorrow after how much he’d curled his lips up in pleasure today with you.

Still, there was something that was different.

All day long, he had wanted to kiss you. At little moments, like when you grinned up at him after winning a game you’d tried several rounds on at the arcade. Or when you offered him a piece of popcorn and he had stared at you instead. You had even let him try your ice-cream flavour and for a second, Eunwoo had contemplated the age-old technique of kissing you to taste it instead.

Yet he held back each time, searching for a better moment.

“I guess I should take you home,” you mentioned once your ice-creams were finished, looking up at him with an unreadable expression. You then smiled when he laughed.

“I can’t believe you held to your end of the deal.”

“Well, I did ask you out on this date. Gender roles mean nothing in the modern age. A woman can pick a guy up and drop him off at his front door after an enjoyable time together.”

“You going to kiss me goodnight too then?” he wondered cheekily, only realising what he said a moment after.

Before he could apologise for the impromptu response, you were already slyly grinning up at him. “Maybe I should. Then one of us would have acted upon it.”

“You noticed?”

“How could I not?!” you exclaimed, shifting in closer. “You basically stared at my lips more than any other guy has before.”

Eunwoo rubbed his neck awkwardly. “Hah, I guess so.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been doing the same too. Wondering when I’d get to feel them against my own mouth.”

Eunwoo reached out to cup the side of your face, searching your eyes momentarily before leaning down towards you. He hesitated but not because he was nervous.

Watching as you fluttered your eyes shut when he was mere inches away from your face, Eunwoo’s heart started to thump noisily in his chest. He felt a surge of emotions wash over him as if he had already kissed you and had fallen trap to your enchanting ways. He witnessed the pursing of your lips, waiting for his own.

This moment.

This was more than he had ever experienced before in his life. He had dated girls when he was younger and even held a relationship for over a year during high school. But all of that paled to the way you willingly wanted him now.

It urged him to take your lips with his own, overwhelming all his senses. The kiss was soft, caressing right down to his soul. As he pulled you closer and deepened the embrace, Eunwoo knew he wouldn’t kiss anyone quite as well as he were you. Much as he tried to label the first moment, he searched through his mind for the reason why you made him feel like this now.

He couldn’t come up with any ideas that fitted perfectly, but your mouth sure felt as if it were made to be against his.

Finally, you stepped back, breath staggered and a hand upon your heaving chest. He watched you recover, his mind swirling with thoughts of you and his body was tingling from the experience.

“You’re beautiful,” he confessed and you eyed him again, a giddy smile crossing your swollen lips.

“And you’re mine now, right?”

Mine. Maybe that was the term Eunwoo was searching for. He nodded. “I’m yours.”

_________________

Part 3

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#kwritersworldnet #cha eunwoo #eunwoo fiction #eunwoo fanfic #eunwoo fluff #eunwoo romance #eunwoo au #astro #astro fiction #astro fanfic #astro fluff #astro romance #astro au #pwyl; labelling love #love in four ways collab #kpop fiction #kpop fanfic #kpop fluff #kpop romance

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dennou-translations · 4 years

Text

Tokushima Shinbun Interview with Yano Shougo

Interviewing Yano Shougo-san, who has starred for the first time in the topical anime “Given” and is originally from Tokushima. “I wanted to be an actor that would make people go, ‘I’m glad I entrusted the role to him’.”

Yano Shougo-san (30), who is from Tokushima and belongs to the troupe Super Eccentric Theater (SET), played a starring role for the first time as a voice actor in the anime “Given”, which aired from July to September on Fuji TV. “Given” is a heartrending story that centers itself around a romance between men from the same rock band. Having received high evaluations for his acting and singing voice, which portrayed with excellence the delicate emotions of the protagonist, Satou Mafuyu, Yano-san has told us about the feelings he put into the role and about his future goals.

Raw || Index || Ko-fi/PayPal ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

——Good job on your first starring. Please tell us again about your impressions from when you were entrusted with the leading role.

Thank you very much. Playing a leading role in an anime series was my goal for 2019, so when my manager contacted me saying that I had passed the audition, I was happy to the point of shedding tears, but at the same time, I was also relieved. I could not sleep a wink the day before the recording of episode one, and at any rate, I was nervous. On the recording day, I was thinking as I headed to the studio, “It’d be great if the recording were tomorrow”, but I got over it a little by the moment that I thought, “If this anxiety would continue until tomorrow, then it’s actually better for it to be today!” and I remember relaxing straight away at it

——Yano-san, your fragile voice was a perfect fit for Mafuyu. What did you keep in mind when performing him? Were there any points that differed greatly in comparison to the roles you have been playing until now?

Mafuyu has an extremely painful past, unable to move a single step from where he was, as he bore a huge wound. Still, he has proper thoughts and feelings of his own, as well as a stubborn side, and though he has a mild and introverted personality, I figured that he was someone who had a strong core.

Other than that, when I saw him playing basketball with his friends, smiling and earnestly absorbing himself completely in music, I had the impression that he was a “high school boy that you can find anywhere”. This was something I always cherished when performing.

I have played uke roles before, but this was the first one where so many of my lines were “...” (laughs).

——What parts of Mafuyu do you think you have in common, Yano-san, and what parts are the total opposite of you?

I think we are just a little bit alike in that we are greedy about the things we like, and we are unable to concentrate on anything else when there is something that we need to do our best in order to achieve. What I feel to be the opposite is that Mafuyu gives off the impression that he is a big shot in some way, even without speaking much, while I am talkative and shy (laughs).

——You were also in charge of singing the insert song and ending theme song.

I knew ever since the audition phase just how essential Mafuyu’s song was for the series, so rather than my being happy about singing, the pressure was much more prominent. As a matter of course, the frequency of my voice training soon increased, and learned the basics and techniques of singing as much as time allowed me to. When I was first told about the composition, I thought, “This song was made for Mafuyu’s sake”. That is exactly why, rather than the technique, I reflected about why and how Mafuyu would be singing those lyrics, as well as the emotions that would be overflowing from him, and I thought I should sing it with care, without sugarcoating it.

——What did you keep in mind when singing as Mafuyu?

The song that Mafuyu sings bears his definite resolve to face his past and live in the present, thus I believed that I had to make it into something like a love confession, so to say - a song that could be sung because Mafuyu was the one doing it. For this, of course, technique was important, but I kept in mind that it would be okay even if it was rough-hewn or even if my voice faltered, as long as I sang in a way that would spit out everything Mafuyu had been shouldering.

——Although Noitamina has produced countless master piece animes, this has been their first Boys Love (BL), a series that depicts romance between males, so was there anything you were particularly conscious of when performing?

There was not. Just as I do when performing roles from other series, I performed while keeping in mind that I was going to live in the world of “Given” as Mafuyu with all my might.

——I believe there was such a huge response to “Given” due to its painful content, but did it get to your ears?

There are many fans of the original work not only in Japan but also overseas, so I became aware once again of the popularity of “Given”. That is just how high the expectations were for the anime adaptation, and I wanted people to like it even more when watching the anime, so I was truly happy when I actually did get evaluations like that on Twitter, etc.

——The airing of the anime “Given” is over, but a movie adaptation was green-lit. Please leave a message for the fans.

The story of “Given” will continue from now on too. I hope everyone can watch over what kind of sounds will come from Mafuyu’s song, Given’s (as in the band that Mafuyu and the others formed in the show) music and their romance from now onward.

——From here on out, Yano-san, I want to ask you about yourself. It seems you wanted to be an announcer at first.

I had the vague desire to move into the television business, and from yet another vague motive of wanting to become an announcer and engage with my favorite variety show, I started thinking in my third year of high school that I wanted to be an announcer.

——Why did you aim for voice actor from there?

After graduating from high school, I took a gap year in order to attend university, and during that time, I watched “Neon Genesis Evangelion” as per a friend’s recommendation, so with this as the trigger, I became interested in anime. I had almost never watched anime until then and was unfamiliar with voice actors, so I was shocked when I read in the end roll that Ogata Megumi-san was the one who played the role of Ikari Shinji, a boy, thus I became interested in them.

——Was there anything you put effort into in order to become a voice actor?

During my gap year, I watched many animes, looked up the voice actors that piqued my curiosity and imitated their acting, and performed lines from anime and manga with as much emotion as I could. I also bought a training book for becoming a voice actor and practiced enunciation while keeping it a secret from my family.

——What are the details of your joining SET?

I was was part of a the theater research association in university, but when I was in my fourth year, I once gave up the way of an actor and went job hunting. Even so, I wanted to have a job that was related to acting, so I took the recruitment test of a major production company hoping to become a manager, but during the individual interview, the person in charge told me, “Are you really all right with giving up on becoming an actor? If you want to be a voice actor, then go study theatre”.

And so, I began wanting to challenge myself one more time, so I stopped job hunting and after looking into audition magazines, I took an audition to become a research student of SET, where I could learn the essentials for musical, action and comedic theatre. I became a research student at 23, and after about a year of lessons and a graduation performance, I became an official member at the age of 24.

——Please tell us about the works and roles you did before your voice actor debut.

During my first year in becoming a troupe member, I played the role of Saburou, the protagonist of the TV anime “Nobunaga Kyousoukyoku”, as a motion actor - the kind of actor who does the gestures that are used as base for the characters’ movements.

I also participated in the troupe’s own public performance. It was a role where I had to drink coffee and say only one phrase, “It’s sweet”. It was a sentence that connected with a funny punchline, so I had been thinking all along about how I should act it out in order to induce laughter, and even during the performance, I did many attempts.

——After that, you debuted as a voice actor in the anime “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”.

When I was selected, I was really happy to be able to take the voice acting job that I had once given up on. I was brimming with confidence for some reason, even though I had no experience points. But when I went to the studio, I was no good at all; I would get nervous every week and had to stay overtime a lot, so I honestly hated going to the studio (laughs). Even so, thanks to the director and all the co-stars not throwing away someone like me, who did not know left and right, and instead nurturing me during the three years of “Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V”, I changed my thinking and posture in regards of acting.

——Afterward, you became capable of being entrusted with important roles, such as in “iDOLM@STER SideM” and “Tsurune —Kazemai Koukou Kyuudoubu—“, but were there any parts of them where you could feel your own growth?

In that I started thinking it was fun to perform. Even now, I still get nervous when going on-site, but as I would read the script, think about the role and create a foundation for my acting, I feel like I have become able to perform in front of the mic by responding to the acting of the person playing the other role, without thinking about unnecessary things, little by little. The moment I feel that the air has set to motion and it has turned into a drama is, if nothing else, enjoyable. I started having challenges, aspirations and goals for myself, such as, “I want to perform like this more” or, “I could bring this role into life more if I performed like that”.

——What are the fun and difficult parts of voice acting? Please tell us about your future goals too.

I believe the fun in being a voice actor is that we can perform roles that would be difficult in filming or on a stage.

There are many things that you can only learn in a recording site. When I go to them, I find a whole lot of people who are better at acting than I am, so I have to earn a role for myself. I fail most of my auditions and get depressed each time. Even so, I want to keep showing up in those series and play a role that moves the story. I always strongly think that I want to become an actor who can make people go, “I want to use Yano for this” and, “I’m glad I entrusted this role to Yano”.

——From now on, between actor and voice actor, which one to you plan to put more strength into?

Voice actor. That being said, in order to broaden my ranges as an actor too, I think I have to take on all kinds of jobs that require technique for different facial expressions on-stage. For us voice actors, charming people are mostly those who are also charismatic on the stage, so I think I also want to become a charming actor.

——Are you able to return to Tokushima regularly even now?

I make sure to go back as often as I can during summer vacation and New Years.

——Are there any parts of your life in Tokushima that have been put to good use in your acting jobs?

I seldom have any chance to come in contact with anything related to acting in Tokushima. Even if I had interest in voice actors and acting, wanted to attend a training school or thought about going to watch a play, they were all things that could not come true if I stayed in Tokushima. That is why I created many opportunities to come in contact with acting after moving to Tokyo, such as joining my university’s theatre research association and attending a school where I could study voice acting. I think I could cultivate something like a hungry spirit exactly because I used to live in Tokushima.

——If there is anything or any place in Tokushima that you like, please tell us.

Awa Dance, I guess. I did not like it that much when I was little, but after I became an adult, the group dance I watched from a box seat was stunning, and it made me so emotional that I started crying.

Also, the park that my grandfather often took me to when I was a child, though I don’t know if it still exists. I would put rice balls and pickled horseradish in a big plastic container and go there. I have memories of eating them with cold tea from a polyethylene teapot with my grandfather, after playing badminton. I want to do the same with my children and grandchildren when I become a parent and a grandpa.

——Yano-san, since you have made your dream come true, please leave a message to the young people who are chasing their dreams in Tokushima.

Time passes in a flash. For now, please do what you can with all your might. It can be anything, like classes, club activities, cultural festivals, sports festivals or romance.

If there is anything you can work your hardest in over there, please try facing it with all you have. It will certainly become a sustenance for your life from this point onward. I believe that it is better to do something and regret it than to regret not having done it.

Should there be anyone aiming to become an actor, please take action while constantly thinking about how you can get closer to the future that you have as your goal. I think there are surely many things you can do even if you are in Tokushima.

If you do not know what you should do after doing a research and reflecting on it, have courage and go consult someone who can give advice. Nothing is in vain, but rather than spending time not thinking about anything, I believe that spending time thinking about whatever is more worthwhile.

Please do your best. I will do my best too.

——Please leave a message for the fans who are cheering for you from Tokushima.

Thank you so very much for supporting me. The other day, when I took part in a recital play being held in Tokushima, I was able to show my acting to my family for the first time. They were very pleased.

Most events are held in the Tokyo Metropolitan Area, so I believe that people cannot go watch them even if they want to. My wish for more and more people to experience an event in Tokushima and see me working has become even stronger.

I will be doing my best from now on too in order to be able to take part in more series, play all kinds of roles, get to do an event in Tokushima again someday and have people come talk to me. I will be counting with your continued support from this point onward too.

#fyeahgiven #satou mafuyu #dailygiven #givendaily #given #yano shougo #my translation #seiyuu #interview

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cafeinthemoon · 4 years

Text

It Takes Courage - Chapter II

Title: It Takes Courage

Genre: Fanfiction

Pairing: Tobirama Senju x reader

Rating: Teen | up

Word count: 2214

Chapter (s): 2/4

Warnings: none

Symbols: ✔ | ➕ | 🔺 | ▶▶

Read the previous chapter here: Chapter 1

When you were younger, you were, by all means, a good and organized student, which turned you into a capable worker when you started in your professional area. You had positive feedback from your previous supervisors, and their recommendations granted you the position in which you were now; you had no reasons to doubt your own talents. The first two days passed, and at the end of the second one you were informed that you passed the assessment. Now you were officially the Hokage’s Assistant.

Of course you were happy with this, and so were your parents. However, your suspicions that the amount of tasks and their level of difficulty were not going to be your biggest challenge in this new job were soon confirmed.

And this confirmation came in the form of small discoveries.

An example of this was that time when you arrived five minutes later than usual. You weren’t really late – your shift didn’t start yet and, to speak the truth, you were never the type to get late for your appointments – and you didn’t even notice the insignificant delay; but it didn’t go unnoticed by Tobirama, who greeted you with some subtle advise about “being careful and have a watch always close in order to maintain the punctuality”. From that day on, you did your best to arrive earlier. But, despite your efforts, he always managed to arrive first, so that he always knew exactly when you came.

There was also a time when you came into his office with a pile of paper and left it on his table. You were about to turn your back to leave when something outside the window caught your attention, and you stopped to look. It was something trivial, so you didn’t even think of approaching the window, but it didn’t matter, since you didn’t have the time to do so; and so you never found out what it was, if a bird, a kite or anything else.

You startled when you heard the Hokage’s voice cut the silence of the room.

- What is it, y/n?

You immediately turned to him.

- Oh… nothing.

He was not exactly irritated, but you sensed his eyes piercing you behind the table.

- We are busy today. There is no time for distractions.

You didn’t give a verbal answer. You just nodded and left the room. Only when you found yourself at a safe distance from his office, you dared to think “has there ever been a day when we were not busy?”

It was only during your lunch time that you found opportunity to be alone with your thoughts, which was the best you could get since you weren’t brave enough to verbalize your opinions and then have to deal with the gossip in which it would result. The case was that you tried to convince yourself that you were just new to the position, and you needed more time of adaptation and there was nothing wrong with it, but you were tired. You started to feel not only tired, but also sad and frustrated. You tried your best – you gave your best to stay on that place. You revised every report that came to your hands, organized every pile of archive, corrected every grammatical error; your table was cleaned up twice a day, and you never, never, arrived late. But none of this seemed to be enough for Tobirama Senju. Your best wasn’t enough for him. It wasn’t like he would spend more energy on trying to find failures on your work instead of positive traits, though; he simply did it, with no effort. No matter what methods you’d try, he would always find something to fix, some reason to give you an advice, anything. The more you worked to improve, the more he demanded from you. It was like an eternal cycle from which you couldn’t escape.

On the other hand, you needed the job; you’ve been planning to move out from your parents’ house, so you had to manage your bills all by yourself. And not just this: they wanted to see you becoming a successful young woman in your area, and for now it meant working with the Hokage. It was an honor for them to have a daughter in such position. An honor… thinking about it almost made you cry: was it worthy to be given this honor if it didn’t make you happy?

During this difficult time, one of your small sources of pleasure was visiting a candy store by the end of your shift. The store was not far away from your workplace, and it was exactly on the way to your house. The candies were not expensive, but you were always careful on how much you would spend on them. You visited it so many times that you became friends with the owner.

Because you knew that the shop’s entry was visible from his office’s window, you considered possible that Tobirama knew about your preference for their products. Fortunately, he never made a single reference to it, nor he was the type to make comments about how other people choose to spend their money. By this time, however, your tiredness were turning into annoyance, so if he would ever say a word about it, you would solemnly ignore it and continue to buy your candies whenever you want. But, well, maybe he didn’t even know about your favorite shop; maybe he knew nothing about his assistant that didn’t have connections to what he saw during her shifts, and he didn’t care.

The change in your mood was noticed by both your parents. Your mother asked about it one day, and when you said it was just the amount of work that was making you tired, she nodded and didn’t dig deeper. Your father was harder to dissuade: he asked if everything was okay, and when you gave him the same answer you gave to your mother, he seemed a bit suspicious; he asked if you were frustrated, and if such frustration was because you found out something you weren’t expecting about your job. You reassured him, explaining that you were just tired and it was not due to anything unpleasant regarding the job or the people who worked with you. You sensed he wanted to ask more, but he must have noticed you didn’t want to be interrogated and left you alone with your thoughts.

You waited for time to pass, and for things to settle, and for your stress and frustration to go away, but none of this happened. You held on to what your parents have said about differences and such on your first day, but it didn’t help you. You kept trying to perform your work as perfect as possible, but things remained the same. The last drops of your patience were now slipping from you. Now you understood why no one was capable of maintaining their position as the Hokage’s assistant; now you understood that, whatever the failures they might have committed, the fault was not theirs. It couldn’t be. The case was now clear to you: all that situation was simply unbearable. And no one – not a single person – would have the courage to face Tobirama and tell him so. Honestly, not even you had such courage; you never complained, never questioned an order, never misbehaved. You kept absorbing everything.

So, when the day you broke your character finally came, the scene was unbelievable even for yourself.

On this day, you’ve spent an entire hour checking a document, and when you were sure that no mistakes were present, you separated it and took it to the Hokage. You entered his office, explained the nature of the document and put it on the table, preparing to leave.

You didn’t take one step when Tobirama told you to go back. When you turned, you saw the document on his right hand, as the left one examined its last page; his eyes didn’t even raised to you when he spoke.

- There’s something on the third page that needs to be revised. Take it and bring it back to me when you finish it.

You felt your hands shaking. That wasn’t possible. After all the time you’ve spent on these damn papers?! You took a deep breath.

- Tobirama-sama, that’s strange. I’ve spent one hour re-reading and revising these papers. I’ve spotted every error on them and re-wrote everything myself. If there’s an obvious failure on this document, I am sure I’d be capable of identifying it.

Your words didn’t seem to affect his mood, for he just pushed the papers on the table and demanded you to take them.

- But it seems that this was exactly what happened, y/n. I understand you’ve spent much time on this task, but I’m sure you can still use a few minutes to fix this.

You didn’t reply. You approached the table and raised your hands to take the document, but something – you’re still not sure what or how – made you quickly move them away. You felt a choke in your throat, and your heart was beating fast.

Suddenly being silent became too painful for you to handle.

- I… I… No!

Time seemed to stop. The wind out there was no longer blowing, and even the birds seemed to stop their singing. You were shaking and your feet almost failed, but you felt strangely relieved. You didn’t know what was going to happen, but somehow you felt free.

And you would need to use that freedom to face the storm coming.

Once he heard what you said, Tobirama raised his eyes from the paper and gazed you with an indecipherable look: if he was shocked, angry or anything else you couldn’t tell, but you needed no hurry, for you’d soon find out.

His words were simple.

- No? What do you mean, no?

Now your tongue couldn’t be controlled.

- I mean exactly what I said – your voice was low at first, but it grew louder as you spoke – I am not going to revise this document, as I will not revise anything else for you, Tobirama-sama. I am no longer your assistant.

Now you were capable of identify the look in his eyes: he was wondering what were you talking about.

- Y/n, I don’t remember firing you.

- I am firing myself! – you found the phrase ridiculous as soon as it left your lips, but you didn’t care at all – I can’t continue working for you! Actually, I am unable to do so!

He was still calm in front of what he was seeing, and still seemed not to understand your sudden rage.

- I’d like to you to explain why you are no longer able to work for me, y/n. I see no problem with your performance. If so, I would have already started looking for another assistant.

That answer of his, said in such imperturbable tone, only increased your anger.

- Explain? – you almost choke in your indignation – Do I really need to explain my reasons to you, Tobirama-sama? You say you see no problem with my performance but the way you act says exactly the opposite! You always find mistakes in everything I do, no matter how hard I try, how many times I revise my tasks, no matter what I… Nothing I do is good enough for you! Never! And I’m exhausted!

You moved to turn away and leave the room, but his persistent silence hurt you more than a thousand harsh words would do in its place, you lingered there and said even more.

- Do you know why no one was able to keep working with you? – he was still silent. So you answered your own question – Because no one can take this! No one can take your perfectionism and your arrogance! The problem was never them, it was never me, the problem is you, Tobirama-sama! It is you!

You didn’t wait to hear a response, if there have been anything that would serve as a response. What else could be said? That you didn’t need to come back on the next day?

You left the Hokage’s office, and then the building after catching your stuff from your table. You walked fast through the streets until you found some place where you could be alone for a moment before going home. When you did, you sat on a little wood box and, covering your face with your hands, you cried hard.

You were convinced you did your best, you tried to make it work, but one simple cannot work for two when it comes to team work. You didn’t understand why this was happening, why did he choose to make things so difficult for you, but you didn’t care, not anymore. He would have to look for his next assistant, and you were sure he would never find someone capable of handling as much as you did. He would pay for his arrogance. But, well, why would you care?

After countless minutes there, you stood up, took a deep breath and cleaned your face. Now you had to find the less shocking way to tell your parents what happened and start to look for a new job.

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