#trying to tread water
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You absolutely don’t have to do this, but I would love to know what the carriage ride was like on the way home after that dance <3
Oh I can write a little bit of fluff and pining!
Here's what happens after the dance scene in chapter sixteen...
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It was a struggle for Mr Darcy to bother with civilities to anyone else for the rest of the evening. He kept finding excuses to touch Elizabeth, attempting to recover that spark when their hands pressed together as they twirled on the dance floor. Elizabeth had begun to show her tiredness, yet when he leant in to whisper in her ear “Should I summon the carriage?” She protested that she could wait a little longer.
He attended to whatever conversation his wife engaged in, loathe to leave her side. Elizabeth had always stunned him with her ease in socialising. There was no awkwardness in her manner, or struggle to know what to say. Even the most tedious of topics and… boisterous… of people gave her joy in their ridiculousness. Normally, he would retreat from such conversations entirely, for his tolerance was not as high as hers. But tonight, Mr Darcy was held in place by Elizabeth’s arch smile and quick dart of her eyes towards him whenever she needed to share her amusement at the folly of others.
His wife laughed so freely, how had he once not done justice to her beauty? She was the most radiant woman he had ever met. He was transfixed by the curve of her neck, and the way she arched her brow as she whispered some witty thing to her sister which earnt a smile from Miss Bennet. Then she returned her gaze to him and took his arm. “My mother begins to again complain of Charlotte becoming mistress of Longbourn one day; which seems as good a sign as any we should retire for the night.”
Moving her hand to the crook of his arm and covering it with his own, he said “I should think that the first sign was your yawning. And the second your proclamation of tiredness.”
She laughed again. “You are right, of course,” she smiled. “But have we not enjoyed ourselves tonight, Mr Darcy?”
The gentleman had never enjoyed a dance more, and he could not stop himself returning Elizabeth’s smile. She was so full of happiness. How he loved her. How he wished she had married him for affection and not necessity.
They gave their leave and departed Lucas Lodge. Mr Darcy handed his wife up into the curricle before joining her and taking the reins and urging the horses forward.
“I think it is safe to say we cannot continue any lessons in carriage direction, tonight,” Elizabeth said, surveying the moonless sky. “The landscape is far too obscured by darkness for me to attempt it. I shall leave it to the expert among us.”
“The roads are good, so there is no need to fear danger. I shall keep the horses at a moderate pace. Regardless,” Mr Darcy said, glancing at her, “At present, even were the moon full, I should judge you too tired to function at the best of your abilities.”
“That is true,” Elizabeth said, punctuated by a yawn. “I may have overexerted myself – but did we not enjoy ourselves tonight, Mr Darcy?” Her gentle smile up at him made colour rise to his cheeks, but the night protected him from it being noticed.
“We did,” he whispered, thinking of how they had drawn together and spun apart during the dance.
It appeared she was doing the same. “I shall have to force you to the floor more often.” Before he could reply that force was unnecessary, Elizabeth laughed. “I think Sir William will support my endeavours, he seemed to enjoy it just as much” That gentleman had naturally felt the urge to compliment them, after the music ended, and Elizabeth now launched into an imitation of him. “Capital dancing!” She said in a deep voice which had Mr Darcy smiling. “Some of the finest dancing I have ever seen! By my reckoning it would not put even St James’s to shame.”
“The highest compliment Sir William knows to give,” Mr Darcy replied. Despite enjoying absolute privacy in the dark countryside, he still leant in close to whisper “Do you think he mentioned the Court often enough?”
Elizabeth laughed, turning to him fully, their faces very close. “Oh, not at all,” she said in a conspiratorial whisper. “Why, by only mentioning St James’s thrice we are in great danger of misunderstanding which place he speaks of!”
Her smile and sparkling eyes were ample reward for his boldness in drawing so close to her unnecessarily. She seemed in no hurry to distance herself, either. As another yawn overtook Elizabeth she dropped her head to Mr Darcy’s shoulder, content to rest it there.
He felt it could not be comfortable – with the bouncing of the carriage – but if Elizabeth was not complaining than he would not move. The overwhelming emotion in his breast declared that he would be happy to never move again, if that was what it took for her to remain there forever. His agitation was his alone; when he slowed the carriage before Netherfield Elizabeth did not stir, and he gently roused her into wakefulness.
She blinked at him, slightly frowning, and he waited until she gained her bearings before helping her from the carriage. Mr Darcy maintained hold of her hand, looping it through his arm as the ascended the steps of Netherfield. They spoke little before he bid her goodnight before her bedroom – which he had promised never to enter – and left her with the waiting maid.
It took Mr Darcy an uncharacteristically long time to fall asleep as his thoughts dwelt on Elizabeth’s allure and joy as they danced, and the pleasant weight of her head upon his shoulder. He missed the warmth of her resting against him.
#fanfiction#fanfic#ao3#archive of our own#jane austen#pride and prejudice#elizabeth bennet#fitzwilliam darcy#elizabeth x darcy#darcy x elizabeth#mr darcy#trying to tread water#fic:t3w
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how can you read catching fire and not understand that katniss loves peeta so much it’s baked into her identity
when he dies and finnick has to revive him? that’s the most raw emotion katniss expresses in the books except for when prim’s life is at stake. he is the boy with the bread, after all. katniss’ number one mission in her life is to protect prim. but when katniss can’t? when prim isn’t at risk? if anything happens to peeta, it’s like it happens to her. it’s the sort of love that creeps up on a person, where you’re so used to feeling it and acting on it that labeling it, naming that thing that makes you drop everything for someone feels foreign and wrong until something snaps into place and you realize it fits.
“real or not real? you love me.”
“real.”
#thg#catching fire#everlark#i'm stoned and reading treading water#which is specifically an odesta fic#BUT#i'm at the part where finnick's in the games and has just revived peeta#so#he's just realized (as the reader should at this point too) that katniss isn't acting#she loves him without trying
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Then, on his arrival in Constantinople, after much counsel with himself, considering that he was already unequal to the amount of pressing business and believing that there was no room for delay, on the twenty-eighth of March he brought the aforesaid Valens into one of the suburbs and with the consent of all (for no one ventured to oppose) proclaimed him Augustus. Then he adorned him with the imperial insignia and put a diadem on his head, and brought him back in his own carriage, thus having indeed a lawful partner in his power, but, as the further course of our narrative will show, one who was as compliant as a subordinate.
No sooner were these arrangements perfected without disturbance than both emperors were seized with violent and lingering fevers--
AM 26.4.3-4
this was one of those illustrations that was originally supposed to be a 5 page comic until I realized I don't know anything about later roman empire architecture or visuals or art or anything, so we'll revisit that later. maybe
for right now though, these two are fascinating. we have two brothers acting as one body, even becoming ill in tandem with each other, it's giving This Throne Is Cursed. like, the last time I read about emperors coming down with life threatening illnesses, it was Caligula, and that moment in his biography marked a very specific tone shift. I spent the rest of the (first) time reading about Valens and Valentinian waiting for something comparable to Caligula's reign to happen lmao (Dio 59. 8. 1-2)
and since Caligula was already on the mind, I started thinking about Tiberius: I think he would've loved these two since he had a whole thing about twin-ification and brothers and etc etc etc. ofc, Rome is both a Mouth and a Tomb, so it's going to go badly for someone/everyone eventually, but honestly I think that Valentinian and Valens were the best we could've hoped for. like it could've been so much worse
Tiberius and the Heavenly Twins, Edward Champlin
Failure of Empire: Valens and the Roman State in the Fourth Century A.D, Noel Lenski
⭐ I have a tip jar (ko-fi)!
⭐ and other places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app
#(drawing hearts around valens) hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii#roman empire tag#drawing tag#every day i think about valentinian bringing his brother into this and wondering how valens felt about it#especially since the over all arc is that he's constantly just trying to tread water managing everything from six different fronts#did you ever want things to go back to how they were!!!! did you dream of simpler times!!!!!! when it was just hard work and dirt#under your nails instead of the horrible scale of empire choking you out to the very end!!!!!!!!! did you hate your brother for it#im normal about valens. btw. (<<<said by a guy who made valens his icon on his main art blog)#anyway. (claps hands together) im going to go and write about bonifacio and mabini and lucan and crassus and the pharsalia#and mabini's writings on a failed revolution and bonifacio haunting the collective memory#i gotta condense it down to a thousand words. ideally. we are rambling around at around 2k and its unwieldy#valens#valentinian I#later Roman Empire tag
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Anyway I just think one of the many reasons OFMD resonates with me so much is its focus on kindness and hope. Here you have these two men who have hit a wall, who feel trapped and hopeless within the confines of their lives. And all it takes is one chance meeting, one chance event, for their lives to turn completely around. A bit of kindness and understanding from someone is what powers them on. And I adore that so much.
It shows that, no matter how bleak, there’s still light to be found. There’s still kindness awaiting you. That, at any moment, your life could take an unexpected turn towards peace, and warmth, and happiness. That you can suddenly and unexpectedly be found.
I just think that’s important, especially with so many people feeling directionless right now- myself included. It’s even more important that it shows all of this happening with middle aged men too. Because, society loves to put a hard time limit on age. As in, if you don’t have it all figured out by your mid-twenties, you’ve somehow failed or missed your chance.
But OFMD shows that there’s still time. There’s always still time. And there’s always still warmth and kindness awaiting.
#OFMD#Gentlebeard#Blackbonnet#Edward Teach#Stede Bonnet#Revenge Rambles#Gets deep on main because of pirates skdslkds that's just how it IS#BUT ANYWAY#I was thinking about why this show resonates so deeply with me last night#And why I attached myself to it so hard and so quickly#And of course there are a MULTITUDE of reasons#But I realized it's because it strikes a lot of deep personal chords#Another one being Stede feeling like he doesn't fit in and can't find his niche#And he's over here trying to be genuine and kind and clambering for respect/worth#And I'm like HMM UHHHHHHHH FELT???#But God the whole 'there is no time limit and you're worthy of goodness' thing is just#So often I'm haunted by societal expectations#So this show is just so so SO comforting#Like things often feel so so bleak#And that I'm/we're just tREADING WATER WAITING TO DROWN#But then this show is like 'You can still be pulled from the water'#It's the way this show is a rom com but it's so beautiful all the same#The deeper messages are just so so lovely
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friend of mine showed me these shirts ("no matter where i go, trouble always finds me" and "trouble", couples thing) and until i play it i am choosing to believe this is what Alan Wake's American Nightmare is like
#keep forgetting to post my doodles. will be uploading a handful#alan wake#mr. scratch#aw2 bodies awan inspiration i guess#im like treading water in this one discord server desperately trying to follow along while everyone talks about scratch like he's the most#annoying ex boyfriend any of us have ever had but on steroids when im mostly used to him like . breathing loudly into the microphone and#chasing you down hallways going I WANT YOUR LIFE. ITS MY LIFE NOW I DESERVE IT#doodle#monochrome#not very good if im honest with you#i dont know how to draw illkka villi's face yet so i am just getting by by just drawing a zillion lines onto his chin
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Y'all, my monthly for health insurance through my job went from $180 to $240 and I'm-
#aron's opinonion#W H Y#please don't come at me if this is supposedly a 'good' price#i'm trying to tread water
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Do you think you could give your opinions on the recessive / lethal yellow genes in mice? Do you think you'd ever consider breeding recessive yellow? (If you haven't already.)
I'm just super curious about your thoughts on them as I don't really know a lot about genetics. Do you think it's possible to breed a consistently healthy line of yellow mice?
I'm just super curious to hear your thoughts as a breeder
Well, this is a kind of long answer and I'll warn it discusses animal death, so I'll put it behind a cut.
Personally, I wouldn't, but not because of ethics concerns; I just don't like any of the colors made with RY/AY. They're just not visually appealing to me. I had a couple RY pop up from the Taylor black line when I first got it, and they were just enh. A good, rich red, esp a satin red, can be a really perfect looking mouse... but by god that's years of work and it never ends because Red is such a hard phenotype to maintain and I'm just not that determined. I'm convinced that people breed for red because seeing it opens all the ferret cages in their brain, not because they can be normal about it. If you want good reds, it's like you dedicate your life (and mousery) to it or you don't do it, and my life's already dedicated to the peafowl. My mousery is already dedicated to blacks and tricolors.
As for the AY gene itself, it's a "lethal" gene in that homozygosity is lethal but it's lethal at the blastocyst stage so it's not really an ethical problem imo. If it was lethal as in the pups deteriorate and die post partum, or if it caused well developed pups to die/be stillborn such that it caused the dam health risks, then it would be a problem. But, it doesn't. You just get smaller litters because some cells die way early on and get reabsorbed. I don't really have any problems with that. Show breeders cull litters down to 4-6 pups (for dam and pup health reasons), so it's not like all of them would be turning into adults anyway.
As for the genetic issues with the adult mice, there are three major health issues. The first is obesity (sort of), and the major problem there is keeping them in breeding shape (meaning, capable of doing the do at all). Curiously, in at least one study I remember seeing, there's a difference between an obese mouse of X color mutation and an AY that's considered obese because of its natural body type; for example, an obese black mouse will likely have a shortened lifespan, whereas an AY mouse doesn't (at least not less than any other mouse color mutation) unless it's obese for an AY. So this isn't really a problem as long as the breeder is watching their diet and ensuring they stay fit for their body type.
The other two genetic problems actually are health issues related directly to the AY gene, and that's being prone to diabetes and to tumors. However, these are both things that (any good) breeders would notice, cull, and therefore not breed forward, in order to keep the line as free from them as possible. Which really isn't any different than any other line that develops health problems of any sort. People don't keep health problems. A good breeder should be and usually is aware of the potential health problems in the lines they are breeding, particularly if it's a genetic one that can't be avoided (like you can't avoid AY if you're breeding AY), and will know what to look for and intervene as soon as possible. Diabetic mice urinate excessively so it's REALLY noticeable, and tumors... well. Hard to miss. And tumors of various sorts is a fairly common "select away from/cull" problem in any mutation, it's just slightly higher risk in AY.
So the short answer, in my opinion, AY isn't really an unethical gene to work with. It's not one I'd choose to work with, but I don't think the people who do are doing anything wrong just for working with the gene at all. It comes down to the same ethics as any other mutation; working to maintain body condition and selecting for health.
Honestly, out of all the animals I've seen bred and bred myself, I think mouse breeders in general have proven themselves to be the most concerned with what's best for the animal, not the breeder. The show clubs like FMBA and AFRMA etc won't recognize standards for things like snub noses or manx tails or anything else that would potentially seriously impact QoL by nature of existing at all, and at least in the groups I'm in, the members are not shy about recognizing when health problems mean no breeding for a mouse regardless of how pretty or sweet. When someone newer asks what to do, I've never seen anyone support trying to breed a mouse with issues, or usually even keep one whose QoL would be poor. They are very familiar with the kindest thing you can do is let them go. It's a breath of fresh air from the goddamn chicken groups, who will limp along any bird that's still breathing regardless of what's best for the bird.
I think the only morph I've seen that I have an ethical problem with is the X-brindle gene, which is a "brindle" gene on the X chromosome that causes the mouse to be unable to absorb copper. This means that the males DO founder and die after birth (which means most people just humanely euthanize the male pups, they aren't out here letting them suffer that I've seen), and females get a strange coat color and curled whiskers from low copper absorption. Does have a second X gene that's clean so they still can, but it's really an unnecessary mutation to continue imo. It hasn't been recognized by the show clubs that I know of, but idk if they can be shown under normal brindle or if you can tell at a glance, as I don't really know as much about them or any of the AY gene specifics. I have basic knowledge but since i don't breed them myself it's very in passing knowledge. I know it's rarely bred or worked with in the first place, and I hope it stays that way or disappears entirely.
#mice#my pets#mouse genetics#asks#anon asks#and please take my opinion with a grain of salt lol#I mean it when I say I don't know a lot#about morphs I don't personally breed#I'm barely comprehending the tricolor nonsense#I'm treading water with them trying to learn their genetics#I don't have the processing power for other mutations#I feel like I learn about new ones every week too#someone will post a photo and it'll be a light brown mouse#and they'll be like is this a coffee#and everyone else will be like no the foot is the wrong color it's a latte#and I'm over here sweating going they're mice not beverages??#and then someone names the genetics of the brown mouse#that looks like every other brown mouse#and there's 17 different genes#and none of them are the same as the other brown mouse#god peafowl genetics are so much easier
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Hey it’s ok Kieran! I’m sure one of his friends like Arven or Nemona would be happily willing to kiss him free from the curse if you don’t want to! :)
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#rotomblr#pkmn irl#trainer kieran#thanks for the ask!#text post#anon you are treading on dangerous waters right now.#stooooop talking about THIS#losing my mind. from this and the lack of sleep!!!#i see what you are trying to do here. and i do not like it
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i cant believe im sick again this is ridiculous
#i was just starting to feel better after a week in bed#spent 2 days traveling#and bam#coming down with something again#what am i even wearing a mask for#god fuck me#honestly idk how many more setbacks i can handle#ever since i broke my shoulder#idk it feels like#ive just been treading water#trying to catch up#but im not getting anywhere#its just one curveball after another#like playing whack a mole#always putting out fires#<- and atruggling to find the right metaphor lmfaoo#and beyond that zero chance to focus on the important thing (writing this fucking thesis)#i dont even have anything to look forward to#thats the problem innit#right now my life sucks#and yet i am on the comfortable side of things#once i graduate there's only gonna be money problems and debt and a housing crisis and not being able to do what is right for me and pain a#nd suffering#the fucking bureaucracy#god i hate this country#its not something to look forward to#it feels like im waiting for my execution tbh#so yeah#no wonder im doing my utmost to sabotage myself#tbd
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...
#hhhhh i just wanna lay in bed watching movies all day. i need some sort of wizard to turn me into a salamander so i dont have to do my job#it takes me all day to relax and for what? its Sunday and i have to grade at e#least 45 lab reports and make a presentation about photosynthesis so i can teach tomorrow so that i can barely tread water#im so behind on grading. and thats not to mention all the other bullshit i should b doing. ugh. i just wanna not do anything#i got covid vaccinated yesterday so im kinda exhausted on top of preexisting exhaustion. anf i would like my problems to stop existing#also i forgot how annoying it is to live in a place with mice. like stop scurrying around in my walls! stop trying to make mouse holes#dont make me murder u bc i will. ill buy mouse traps and thdn youll b sorry#but id rather not do that bc itll b annoying to check the traps and dispose of the bodies. bleh#i just wanna watch surreal movies abt self destruction and cosmic horror#so annihilation and maybe sunshine bc i havent watched it and oh god whats that polish movie uuuuuh#i can't remember. it starts with s i think but all i can think is susperia which is not correct. solaris? i cant remember if i watched#it or just read thr book. idk i like surreal slightly pretentious movies. under the skin is another i lov#god. i dont wanna get up. i still only got 7hrs sleep. i just wanna lay here and decompose#fuck. i have so much to write for Wednesday. and i think i have to share a paper Friday. fuck.#unrelated
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Trying to Tread Water: Chapter Fifteen
The Marriage of Convenience fic no one asked for
Elizabeth's wedding night has arrived, but as her marriage to Mr Darcy is anything but normal, why should this be different? Though they have adjoining rooms he has promised never to cross that threshold, and Elizabeth is realising just how much she trusts in his word and goodness towards herself.
Read on Ao3 here
First reviews: "Incredible chapter, as always! You seem to be able to catch the spirit of Elizabeth and Mr Darcy effortlessly, which makes this story seem so real to me." "Oh my god the pining. I am yearning." "Another very lovely chapter." "Love this fic so much, everytime I see a notification for a new chapter I get so excited!" "I discovered this fic today and immediately read the whole thing; it's so good! You've really captured their banter and conversation and omg the pining I love it. Can't wait for the next chapter!" "Wonderful chapter I can’t say enough how much I am enchanted by your writing and your story telling. You’re truly the highlight of my Fridays!" "I literally love this fic so much!! I want to squeal every time Darcy and Lizzie have a moment." "Amazing chapter and story by the way. I discovered it yesterday and it has quickly become one of my favorite pride and prejudice fanfics."
Story updates fortnightly, with Chapter Sixteen coming out on the 20h October.
Story tags: Elizabeth/Darcy, Marriage of Convenience, Unrequited Love, Not Really Unrequited Love, Slow Burn, Pining, Pining Despite Being Married, Mr Darcy thinks his worst enemy is Wickham but maybe it's himself.
#Starting to write this fic is one of the best things I've ever done and I'm so lucky to have received so much support from the fandom!#pride and prejudice#archive of our own#ao3#fanfiction#fanfic#jane austen#elizabeth bennet#fitzwilliam darcy#elizabeth x darcy#darcy x elizabeth#trying to tread water#fic:t3w
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Stuff in tags, only wanna semi-scream into the void
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#nils talking#feeling very tired after this week#the start was so full of uncertainty and while a bit of relief has set in#I'm just drained#tomorrow I'll be visiting a friend for a semi-regular thing and I'm not really in the mood#but I also don't wanna cancel so I hope I'll just feel better tomorrow than I did the last few days#bc I do feel kinda lonely rn and like I'm treading water#I need change and closure and I won't get it before the year is over#too many variables too much that still needs to happen first#but there could be smaller changes that are less drastic#connections that don't need to be for a long time but rather beautiful moments#or a deepening of connections I already have but which are very marginal#at the moment I see both potential within me but also my current limits and limitations#anyway I just hope that the next few months will bring happiness and progress for me#I don't wish to fade away into the background#I want to try my best at making an impact and being remembered fondly#to not just be the awkward fat person that stood in the corner of the party#or who was just a random fellow student or coworker#I hate feeling powerless but it's so difficult to change things when you lack the energy#sorry about this if you read this you're entitled to compensation#also for the record I don't recommend looking up what former classmates are doing a decade after graduating school#it's a mostly depressing affair
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spiraling is so wild first im pissed that my drawing didnt look good now i dont think ill ever forgive my family for their treatment of me
#im sick of being babied because theres a man whos taller than me 🙂#'ooohfhgf yr so little im sorry about how you dont know anything 🥺🥺'#< talking to a 5'7 person who swims at least twice a week has a 3.97 gpa and calls my grandparents more than my parents do#if i try to make jokes to not just fucking PISS EVERYONE OFF they think ohh so silly woman. never had an opinion 🙂#nothing i say is ever serious dont even FUCKING worry 👍👍#its fucking pathetic. at my brothers age i was like i can relate to this scary character haha#cue my mother swooping in to be like noo this isnt you#AND HE FUCKING SENDS SOMEBODY TO THE HOSPITAL IN HOCKEY. BUT ITS FINE BECAUSE HE PLAYS BETTER HOCKEY THAN ME#all you have to do here is be strong. physically not mentally because knowing you have undiagnosed adhd for#a literal third of yr life doesnt count. BUT if yr shoulders are too big for the prom dress that they think you want to wear its also over#and my brother is so butthurt from also growing up in this wack ass situation that he wont let me have ANYTHING.#sorry that you dont think i can read a map or whatever the fuck#sorry that you THINK you make more money than me at yr silly sports job#WHEN IM TRAINED TO HOLD 150 POUNDS TREADING WATER. sorry i got illegally scheduled and it gave me heat cramps#silly me.
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I was so very good and finished my taxes and paid some things so I could reassure myself that I can put in my 2 weeks notice even tho I don't have a job lined up yet (I'm Working on it...)
I dont imagine it'll take me long to find Some kind of job, though it likely won't pay as much as I'm used to. But. So long as I have Something, I'll get by.
What matters most right now is getting out of this stupid fucking job bc it has been Killing Me.
#speculation nation#i dont say that lightly btw this job has been. ugh.#ill miss the mundane administrative duties. as strange as that is to say.#i like feeling productive and valued.#but it's been coming at the cost of my health and happiness#the stress would kill me by 30. and thats assuming my goddamned ankles didnt give out first.#continuing my work on the Unfuck My Life resolution. maybe after i get a new job i can try to get on adhd meds#and also Maybe do smth about my probable fibro. i would love to not be so fatigued all the time thank u#and then . going back to school. i logged into my school email for the first time in too long#i need to actually email my advisor soon. tell her whats been up. maybe that can be a goal for next week.#i also wanna get a haircut. short hair. chop it all off. new hair new job new me.#it's. it's a lot. it's really scary actually. but im working on it. im trying to get to a better place.#ive been suffocating for too long. i want so desperately for life to not feel like treading water at the threat of death.#so. we'll see. whatever happens im going to pull through.
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At a bit of a dark gray low in my evening thinking about how I can't be bothered to sit at my desk long enough to draw much of anything anymore.
I love making art and sharing art. I have for decades, but now with all the scraping and stealing and hurdles artists have to go through to protect their stuff from getting ripped off and fed into the theft machine its almost too disheartening to share anymore.
I still make art, lots of it. I've tried cloaking, I hate what it does to my art even at the 'smoothest setting.' That's not what I wanted it to look like, that's not what I wanted to share with people.
I've tried uploading low resolution and it looks like garbage on mobile, where most folks tend to look at stuff.
My platform and reach has bottomed out since twitter died, and it feels like everyone is constantly yelling at and over the top of each other on what to do to not only protect their work but everyone else's as well.
With my platform a fraction of what it once was (still humble compared to many others) most of my engagement went with it. I used to love getting comments on stuff, sharing laughs and feelings with people that enjoyed my stuff. Now I feel like If I'm not constantly outputting art I won't see any sort of response at all. (I will say as much as I love tumblr it kinda sucks to share art on unless you're posting fanart in relevant fandoms. It just is, it has been since I joined in '11 and the other places I got more traction on actively suck now like twitter and dA).
I'm not designed to shit out 'content' for algorithms on other sites. I don't want to measure my worth in clicks and likes or whatever else the creative world has been boiled down and repackaged as.
I miss sharing art and making connections, building communities and sharing ideas, stories and personal projects in organic, messy stew of humanity. It all feels so shallow now.
Now artists are businesses and I get it, its a career, I'm groaning about my taxes even as I rant write this. You constantly have to promote, sell, paywall yourself for some sort of creative income. Studio work is immensely competitive to break into and projects are short term. You either chase every project and pray you can get in, or you dayjob it, side hustle and freelance every second.
It's exhausting. I've all but given up on ever working in a studio.
Constantly I think about my friends with successful long term careers and think of my struggling freelance business I support with my dull blue collar job and try and think back that I should have done something different. Something better to actually be good at and master.
I draw stuff and look at it and imagine all the hoops I now have to go through to post it for relatively nothing in return and wonder if its even worth sharing it. If its even good enough to share -.-
Not much engagement anymore, poor image quality, and the reach I had that used to afford glimpses of career opportunists feels gone.
I draw stuff, share it to private chats with friends, then flip the page and draw some more.
It hasn't made me want to stop creating, but it has sucked most of the joy out of sharing it with the world anymore.
It takes a lot of energy to drag my mind out of this muck and put myself back out there as an artist every day.
Just tired of feeling stuck and sinking.
#I'm just so tired#and it feels like every creative is suffering and barely treading water#I want to open commissions in february cause january was a bad earning month for me and I'm really going to feel it come rent time#but I feel like everyone's in the same boat#and so much other bad stuff is happening on small and large scales everywhere#skidar rants#imposter syndrome is a bitch#and SAD is a bitch for trying to get motivation off the ground
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