#trying to eat my wrist
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hi I'm on ep 2 of my rewatch of wednesday and every single little thing she does makes me swoon. I'm not kidding lmao the archery scene? her putting her BLAZER ON to talk to to rowan????
#trying to eat my wrist#i be barkin fr#she has something i cant explain#wednesday 2022#wednesday addams
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hour 14 of taking a break from art for the sake of my tendons: i am Wailing and Keening and Scratching Forlornly At My Tablet
#i dont know if im strong enough but i Need to be strong enough#cant continue doodling if ya wrist doesnt work#clenching my fists and chanting 'this is necessary this is necessary'#ive been going way too hard lately. unfortunately#curse this mortal body and its stupid bullshit mechanics that dont even work half the time#gonna cope by eating overly spicy soup and crochet#well no. i cant crochet. ten minutes of that hurts worse than scribbling for eight gay hours#to put it quite simply - but with feeling: FUCK!#absolutely unprompted#howling and sobbing and baying etc etc#i was gonna finish that commission tonight. then i was gonna start on something else i promised Days ago.#maybe get some doodles done for asks.#work on vines part 2.#but it oof ouch too much :/#what the hell am i supposed to do now#fold laundry? clean my room? read? WRITE? ha dont make me laugh#i havent written in 2 months and im not about to start now#(said immediately before screaming into a pillow)#maybe ill like... go through my replies for once... see if people are trying to talk to me...#see if im brave enough to Directly Interact outside of asks...
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friendly reminder that self harm is lying to you
#the worst is when it promises you'll feel better and then you simply. do not. you feel worse and then you want to harm again bc surely that#will make you feel better right? THAT WOULD BE A NO. IT DOES NOT.#anyway today i went to spotlight cause i was sad cause i got the result for my 35% assignment i really struggled with. 32.5%. failure.#and at spotlight i made the foolish error of buying without knowing price. but like who makes a book a normal softcover crochet pattern boo#$55?! anyway it's a lovely book and am excited to try a few of teh patterns but the guilt is eating me alive#and also im super stressed about the assignment i have to turn in on thursday and haven't started#anyway i was literally four and a half hours away from being seven days clean#and i am just so sad right now#and i reopened one of the scars on my wrist too while on shift this morning so that's fun#not badly but it's just gonna mean it scars even more isn't it because of course#i was feeling incredibly awful for some reason i can't even remember and i kinda clawed up my arms. and no i don't count that as#breaking my streak bc it didn't cause much damage#i just. placement is so wonderful but life is so so hard#i don't know i want a hug and the assignment done and everything bad unmade#and the scars i have to look at every day on placement gone.#i want to talk to s but i haven't responded to her last message and i don't know how to respond but i need to respond to that#:((#honestly actually i think i want to talk to aunty. friend's mum. in person. and get a hug. i want a hug.#im just. So Sad. and i want my brother and Ransom and this is not helpinga nd i don't know what would if anything
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urg. zombie injured her paw? leg? in some way (limping). letting her rest and reevaluating from there...
#dogblr#zombie#she slid to a halt running fast in the mudroom#and i think she may have done something to her pawpad?#at least that's better than an actual wrist or shoulder injury#like one month out from working season#she will be SO upset if she doesn't get to run#(note: she is not injured enough to like...not try and eat a baby mouse that was on my kitchen floor).#will call the vet tomorrow. just. urg. my girl :(#she limps a lot on the dirt road and barely at all on the tile and laminate in the house i don't know what that means but#let's just say if she's out for the season or permanently it probably means sigurd is out too? he won't run without her#edit: we got the video of her fall from our mudroom camera and it's the slightest little trip? hoping it's not serious#but i am still going to have the vet fully clear her before she's put in work
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I want to apologise in case you already tried it. But I've seen many people with ehler danlos say that shapewear helps. Do you think it's something you could use?
Ive tried pretty much every otc method of keeping my joints in place including shapewear, with the execption of like 1 or 2 that has slightly too many steps for me to muscle thru the executive dysfunction and do (ring splints -_-). I dont actually know if there is a way to keep my joints from subluxating or dislocating with almost every movement but if there is its gonna have to be like. Complete imobilization except in the direction that said joints are actually supposed to move.
#compression (which is part of what shapewear does right ?) helps a ton for my wrists specifically but not for anything else#i remember reading something written by a wheelchair user with eds as a teenager right before it all went to shit for me#they were talking about how technically they could get up and walk its just that their hips literally dislocated with every step#which was agonizing and painful#and i remember thinking holy shit that person lost the universal lottery to an insane degree#:/#indeed.#indeed they did.#eds#chronically ill#sorry ive not posted on here lately#i havent rly done any crafting lately bc 1) too insane to find any comfort in it n 2) i think ive actually found migraine meds that work ?#trying not to get my hopes up because if i go back to 25 migraines a month i will die from despair but i havent had a single one in WEEKS#and thus have been playing minecraft nonstop#sorry guys. havent dumped you for minecraft i just really missed being able to play it without my brain eating itself alive#cherrynika
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Starting pride month with the pharmacy denying me my testosterone prescription until mid-June and my doctor saying she can't do anything about it because it's a controlled substance 🙃✌️
#i should also add that it's been a week of trying to get her respond to the messages#'hey i don't want to be off my t for a month'#[full day of silence]#'sorry i don’t know why you can't get your refill but i can't do anything about it'#i am going to lose my mcfucking mind#that's not to mention a long argument where my now former friend#because they're one of those 'trump and biden are both equally bad' people who's planning on just letting trump take power again#because they seem to think that you can boycott a high-level politician in a critical election like it's a fucking soda company#for someone who used being communist as a justification for it#they sure have a very capitalist perspective on politics#i also couldn't fall asleep until literal dawn this morning because i forgot my sleep aids#and then when i did fall asleep i had a solid hour of nightmares#and tw for neurodivergence-based disordered eating for this next one#but my brain hasn't let me eat much of anything all day because it's not 'the right food'#it also will not tell me what 'the right food' is#anyways pride month is off to a pretty shitty start#OH and work changed my schedule from working mids to working primarily night shifts without telling me#and my ortho's advice for my wrist fucked it up a lot more and she hasn't responded to my email from a week ago#i'm fucking miserable#if you need me i'll be playing stardew and listening to sad gay music#personal#vent#rant
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youtube
46 minute psychoanalytic russian interview with andrey? i’m so sat.
#its three years old which is a shame i feel like a lot has changed but its a good one#i think this is the same interviewer i saw in a video last week#.. unless there’s multiple female russian interviewers who andrey is constantly for lack of a better word rizzing up#i think its the same. well i love her anyways. shes so fun#anyways. yes andrey tell me about your slightly unhinged family dynamic. tell me about breaking your own wrist trying to close a door.#im so obsessed with his sister and mother. definitely more than he lets on about his mom tbh#but ‘we’re not trying to make her seem violent or anything’ and immediately cutting to her yelling at like 8 year old andrey#IM GONNA KILL YOU cracked me tf up#also his story about him and danya playing as 6 year olds oh my fucking god. they are exactly the same#‘ the match was so bad i started eating the clay i dont know how we didnt kill anyone’ sobs#‘the rallies were 10 minutes long and we were both crying and he was telling everyone to go to hell’ that may be 20 years ago#but literally nothing has changed. obsessed to say the least#i think there was something i had wanted to screenshot and post from this but idr. there were a lotta good parts !#video#i <3 native language interviews they are so much better than anything else#Youtube#tennis
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art fight day 2 and im getting mentally ill about it lol
#purrs#i want to DRAW and i feel pressure abt revenging ppl in a timely manner (which is ridiculous bc its literally the 2nd day and i don’t have#that standard for anyone else but me) but my fucking wrist is fucked up and i basically took a break all day and just tried outlining my#next attack and all the progress i made with it feeling a little better is back out the window after like 10 mins of trying. tingles and#stiffness. UGH!!! and nerve stuff freaks me out so even outside of art fight im stressed / agitated abt feeling like this. aughhhhh#delete later#hopefully im feeling better by tomorrow bc i don’t think i can / should try again for the rest of the day. im so sad lol. this sucks#and it’s not just drawing either like EVERYTHING i do with my wrist feels bad. typing… eating.. doing dishes… misery and despair.
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unmarried man looking 2 hit it + bonus
he/s so annoying abt it
#FURISODE ELIADA EATING MY BRAIN RN HELP#genuinely the first thing ive drawn in two months i am trying to not move my wrist too much but gnnnnnnn#would kill 2 do some proper lineart here#anyway goodnight look at him xoxo#sketchies#MY VISION ON THAT FIRST ONE IF I COULD DRAW LIKE SHILIN HUANG .#body give me back the ability to use my wrist im BEGGING
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was looking forward to ice skating today but my guts have chosen violence today
#eating food more like Russian roulette with digestive issues#that could be a tag on its own#training log#(failure edition)#treewhispers#also i did try to do push ups again and managed two whole things before my dainty gay wrists were like darling no
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had to order a keyboard mat AND an embroidery hoop stand bc my body has decided to be a wuss and stop functioning at the ripe age of 26 and office work + needlepoint + video games have given me an RSI and possibly a cyst and everything HURTS
#not me borrowing my fathers sports braces to brace my wrist while i sleep#bc it hurts and keeps curling up all fucked up#i havent played video games ALL WEEK#and typing is OUCH#i rlly should like. call my doctor#but that means having to miss work for an appt which means lost monies#bc i am an entry level grunt being paid hourly#IRONICALLY GIVEN HOW MANY FUCKIN DEGREES I HAD TO GET JUST TO GET THIS JOB#anyway. my body is a LITTLE BITCH#yes it lets me eat delicious food and feel the sunshine#BUT IT'S ALSO A BITCH#im trying to save money and my body is like...bitch u thought.....u gotta spend it on health related things#like yes i am SO fortunate that my fifty billion doctors appts are mostly entirely covered#but canada doesnt have comprehensive dental or drug plans#like we're miles ahead of some places but SO BEHIND every other country with socialized medicine#GET UR SHIT TOGETHER PLS IM FALLING APART
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tbh if i had thick luxurious hair with any kind of curl pattern in it whatsoever it would have been too unfair to everyone else nature had to nerf me and give me like 18 very uncooperative and lackluster strands to give everyone else a chance 😤 i accept it though
#my mom constantly goes on about the RICH heads of hair our kurdish foremothers had#and every time im like ok cool that trait clearly ran out of gas by the time we got to me!!#and she says its because i dont eat enough animal fat#lack of access to ROGHAN E KERMANSHAH means im seething and coping#every time i see the barista down the street whos braid is as thick as my wrist#just foaming at the mouth talking to her while trying to hide my beta rat braids away
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gonna fucking kill myself lmao
#cj.vent#im still awake..at 5 am. because my older sister wouldnt do her fucking laundry earlier#so now I HAVE TO FUCKING DO IT#'because you dont go to work until 5 so you can just sleep today' which is a LIE because im gonna get yelled at#to wake up#at like 1 pm#and i cant go to bed until her laundry is completely done in the washer AND dryer and theres already my brothers work clothes in the dryer#and the load was just started#so im gonna be up for at least until 7#and neither of them know how to be fuckinf quiet when they leave in the morning#so ill be up until 10#and then ill try to nap but its gonna suck#and im gonna get woken up at 1 or 2#and then i still have to go for a full 8 hour shift#and id say what if i just call out but then i wont fucking get to EAT!!!!#literally would rather just slit my wrists open now than deal with this shit
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The thing about having a kitten thats not yet fully trained not to play fight you is that you get to experience all the excitement of being hunted for sport. in your bed. at 7 AM.
#alex wont shut up#niki the kitten#not even in a fun kinky way w a person#but in a 'my cat is literally trying to eat my wrist'
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Extreme urge to draw and write thwarted from being acted upon by insomnia-induced exhaustion and carpal tunnel again :C
#I have so many ideas!!!#I have so much motivation!!!#but I haven't been sleeping well and really need to keep my wrist in a brace for now and not overdo it#need to just eat and go to bed and try to capitalize on the weekend for creative endeavors
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.
#I hate my body#Not because of the normal reasons of like... being fat and having a uterus or anything like that#I hate that it fails so so so often#I hate that my doctor wants me to give up fruit because my body just has too high triglycerides and can't convert them properly#I hate that my body makes too much cholesterol#I hate that my thyroid doesn't produce the right hormones#I hate that my brain wants to self destruct all the time#I hate that I've had to cut out basically all of the salt from my diet because my body can't regulate my blood pressure#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it#I hate that I have to take so many goddamn pills all the time#I hate how expensive it is to maintain#I hate that I finally want to live and my body is actively trying to kill me#I hate the my wrists give out#I hate that I'm losing my hearing#I hate that there's a god awful ringing ringing ringing in my ears that I will never be able to escape#I hate that no matter what I do it's just never fucking *enough*#I hate that I'm only 30 and now I'm not supposed to eat bananas or pineapples or watermelon or passionfruit or enjoy alcohol#what else can I whittle away from my life?#AND THERE'S NO ACTUAL MEDICAL PROOF THAT THIS WILL WORK#anyways I'm going to see my brother next weekend#and we're gonna go hiking#I'm just... fucking done#'you're going to have a heart attack if you don't fix this'#you know I carved the word inadequate into my skin when I was 18#the T is still there the rest of it has faded with time#.... yeah#odt#vent#My body will always be inadequate#an inhospitable wasteland that I am trying so so hard to cultivate in
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