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galaticrow546 · 3 years

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Ok so i started to write this before chapter 9 even came out sooo yeh :'), idk i just wanted to write something about a "what If Blue and Ink finally got little Dream back but Dream is acting in a way they didnt expect" and yeh i tried-

Anyways, OSD belongs to @calcium-cat ( seriously go check them out the story is good and her art is neat af )

Ah yes, a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, everything is peaceful, Blue sighs relieved and sips his coffee while sitting on the fluffy blue couch, reading a book about a hero perhaps? Blue noticed how little he was paying attention, but its fine right? He feels like today is going to be a good day-

*Thump*

Well, today WAS a good day, It seems that the tiny guardian just woke up, and unfortunately, Dream hasnt been in the best mood or behavior ever since they got him out of Night’s castle, he has no Idea why Dream is so angry at them, Neither Blue nor Ink know why, but Dream sure wasnt taking It well.

As the small angry child approached the couch, Blue quickly stood up and faced him:

-“Good morning dear, how are yo-“

-“No”

Blue paused and blinked, its not a new thing that Dream wasnt up for talking, but for one month straight? Blue wouldnt say It out loud, but he was getting sad at the situation:

-“....right” Blue said sadly

As the angry looking child stared at Blue, Ink got down the stairs in a white blue-striped pajamas:

-“Hey yall, good morni-“

Dream quickly hissed and got ready to jump at Ink, in which Ink hissed playfully in return, but this got the toddler even more angry, after a minute, the toddler started to hit ink’s legs with his tiny hands, but they hardly hurt Ink, as Ink playfully mocks Dream, he gets more motivated to hit Ink like there is no tommorrow, Blue silently watches them from afar, he wished the toddler didnt hit or hiss at Ink so much.

Blue silently left the living room and went to the kitchen to grab something for Ink to eat, today was his turn to patrol the multiverse while Blue stays and takes care of Dream, as he explored the kitchen, he quickly made a sandwich and took a banana, then placing It in the bag and wrapping it up nicely, as he finished, he quickly left the kitchen and went back into the living room:

-“Ink, take this bag with you in the patrol, remember to drink water and to take a little break If you want to- oh c’mon“

Blue glared at the scene in front of him, Ink was holding Dream wrapped in a blanket, the toddler was screaming and wriggling in the blanket furiously, Ink just giggled and sometimes told him to calm down, only to be answered with a death stare from the child in return.

Ink quickly stared at Blue with a grin:

-“Uh, oh? Were you saying something Blue?”

Blue quietly glared at Ink with a tired gaze and then pointed at the bag, the bag had a text written in It saying “for patrol”, Ink silently looked at It:

-“...what?...oh-“

Ink quickly left the angry toddler at the sofa as It squirmed himself free from the blanket, hurried towards Blue and took the bag, as he was heading towards the door, Blue quickly grabbed a fistfull of his clothes, as Ink looked back at him with a confused glare:

-“Your clothes, you are still in pajamas Ink“ Blue slightly grinned

Ink paused and glared at himself, and then a look of realization made its way on his face, he thanked Blue for reminding him and hurriedly ran back to his bedroom to change.

The toddler in the sofa eventually made his way out of the blanket and slowly walked towards Blue with the blanket in hands, eventually he silently gave It to Blue and then walked away to the kitchen.

Blue stood confused and with the blanket in hands, eventually folding It and heading to Dream’s bedroom, eventually placing It on his yellow fluffy bed, Blue looked at the bed for a while, its hard to not remember the times when Dream was with them and when he wasnt a angry child, he wished Dream could open up to them just like he did in the past.

He hasnt realized that Ink was staring at him from the bedroom door, silently waiting for Blue to turn around, but eventually, Ink went in and hugged Blue from the side of his body, Blue jumped a little and looked at Ink, he just stared back with a serious expression, eventually smiling at Blue, this made Blue giggle a little as they both made their way outside Dream’s bedroom.

As they were getting down the stairs, Dream silently stared at them with a bored face, Ink playfully greets him as Dream ignores the greeting, eventually, Ink and Blue made their ways to the front door, Ink hurriedly says goodbye to both of them as he left, Blue quickly screamed behind:

-“HAVE A GOOD DAY PATROLLING, AND BE CAREFUL”

Ink looked back and waved at Blue, and then, he was gone, Blue sighed as he returned back home, he was about to sit down before hearing a strange sound in the kitchen, he blinked and sighed yet again, heading to the kitchen

Blue arrived at the kitchen only to see Dream sitting in the counter drinking a cup of water while looking bored, he paused and stared at Blue, he then looked back at his water and kept drinking It:

-“Dream, get down from there please” Blue started

-“Hmmmmmm no” replied Dream while looking at his now empty cup

Blue stared at Dream with a serious expression, as he approached the tiny guardian, Dream was busy refilling his cup:

-“Dream im serious-“

-“Nah“

Blue paused in front of Dream, the guardian stared back with a bored but relaxed look as he sipped from his now refilled cup, but quickly screamed a little when Blue suddenly grabbed him and brought him to his eye level, Blue looked at him silently before he spoke up:

-“Get off the counter, you might fall and get hurt“

Dream stayed silently and looked nervously at Blue, only to gulp and slowly wrap his hands around Blue, as Blue brought him down gently

Dream nervously looked up at Blue with cup on hands, the other stared back with a sigh and a frown, Dream quickly drank his water and gave the empty wet cup to the skeleton in front of him, only to run away right after, Blue blinks silently, and then immediatly follows him after putting the cup on the counter

As Blue got in the living room, Dream was sitting on the sofa with a bored expression, that quickly changed to a angry stare once he spotted Blue:

-“...what?“

Dream stayed silent, but after a while, spoke up:

-“...why?“

-“Why what?“

-“Why did you guys take me away from my brother?”

-“Your brother is evi-“

Dream gasped in offense, eyes wide and with a expression of disgust:

-“MY brother is the sweetest and nicest person i know! Stop saying nonsense!“

Blue paused terrified at the sudden reply, did Night brainwash him somehow? If he did, how could he fix that now? He needed to act quick:

-“But the people he is with are also evi-“

-“Stop“

Blue stared at the angry child, he felt himself getting more determined to tell Dream the truth about his “family” as Dream likes to call them, but apparently, the kid didnt want to listen, as Blue opened his mouth to say something else, Dream interrupted:

-“Do you even know what you’re talking about? I dont want to talk with someone who associates himself with the mean Ink guy who hurt my brother and who also hurt Cross, dont think i forgot the day you both took me away“

Blue stood silent, the kid had a point, but he didnt think Dream would actually hold a grudge against Ink or him, coming to think about It, the grudge with Ink should be stronger now, after all, Cross was alone with Dream when they invaded Night’s castle, It was weird, but a opportunity to get their friend back, and Dream tried to protect Cross so much, but It was all in vain as Ink injured Cross severely, he will never forget the horrified look on Dream’s face when he saw Cross hurt and almost passing out, and the expression of anger that came right after was dreadful.

Ink grabbed Dream with no problem, but then constantly tried to keep Dream from squirming and hitting them, begging to be let go, Blue just followed right after, but It seems that their relationship became even more strained when Ink began taking almost everything he said as a joke, Dream didnt even talk with them that day, and hissed angrily whenever they tried to approach him, its weird to think that this happened a month ago.

Blue didnt notice how long he has been silent and lost in thought, by the time he noticed that, he also noticed that the child was still staring at him angrily, as If he was expecting a response, but It quickly turned into an annoyed expression as Dream spoke up annoyed:

-“Ugh, nevermind, I’ll just go to my room“

Blue tried to tell Dream to wait up, but the toddler could care less to hear him, as Dream’s bedroom door closed up with a loud thud.

Blue looked up to the closed door sadly, but he knew that Dream needed some time, everytime those fights happened, It would always end with Dream getting in his room angrily, Blue cant help but feel bad whenever he heard sniffles coming from inside the room when he walked in front of It.

Blue heads to the kitchen to perhaps make something to eat for himself, that will distract him right? right.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

He forgot how long Dream usually stayed there, sometimes It would last hours upon hours, but sometimes only minutes, but no matter how long It lasted, It still hurts Blue to the core, he hated seeing Dream all sad, he could manage to deal with na angry Dream, but with a sad Dream who is not willing to talk? He just couldnt.

Blue was sitting on the sofa yet again while he was thinking about It, as he looked outside the nearby window, It was already sunset, he decided to at least see how Dream was doing since the sniffling and the muffled cries have stopped, as he got up from the sofa and walked towards the bedroom door, he paused and looked at the door sadly, carefully paying attention to the sounds, but nothing was heard from inside, with a worried feeling, Blue slowly turned the handle to the side, opening the door carefully and taking a peep inside, only to see Dream silently looking at a piece of paper with tears on his eyes, he seemed so tired, yet so sad, Blue felt a heartbreak start to become clearer on his soul, he slowly and careful got in, carefully approaching the sad child, hoping that he could at least comfort It, but as he approached further, Dream quickly looked scared at his direction while hiding the paper from Blue’s view:

-“...its ok, you dont have to show It to me“

Dream stayed silent, tears still on his eyes, he began to curl up protectively and shake, Blue looked nervously and stopped approaching, just looking at the child with an sad look, they both stayed in silence staring at each other until Blue asked softly:

-“Are you ok with me approaching you a little?“

Dream stared silently, some minutes have passed before he nodded slowly, Blue began slowly approaching the crying child, being careful to not make any moves that might scare Dream further, Dream began to slowly uncurl himself up and looked up at Blue, with his arms protecting the paper, Blue stopped and began assuring the kid:

-“Its ok, I wont take It or destroy It in any way, you can stay with It“

The tiny child seemed relieved but doubtful when Blue assured that, Blue began to once again approach the small child, then bending to his level once he got close enough, Blue stared at Dream with a soft look, Dream stared back with a blank stare, heavy breaths could be heard from the tiny kid, Blue carefully approached his hand towards Dream, the little one staring at It with a worried look, but then, as Blue’s hand touched his skull gently, Dream stopped breathing for a moment, confused as to why Blue was doing this and why was his gloves so soft, Dream didnt move at all for a moment, but then slowly rubbed his head on Blue’s hand, Blue moved along and asked the child If he was ok with It, Dream nodded gently as Blue took his hand away.

Dream blinked confused, but as Blue’s hands began drying his tears, he started speaking:

-“...I want to suggest something, but I will only do so If you are willing to hear me“

Dream stared at Blue, and then nodded curiously, Blue wont admit It, but he feels incredibly happy that Dream is starting to somewhat trust him:

-“A-alrighty, so, I suggest that we try to start listening to each other carefully-“

Dream opened his mouth with a little angry expression, but quickly backed down when Blue started to speak again:

-“It doesnt have to be a fight, It can be a calm conversation where we listen to each other and maybe even understand each other“

The little child softly stared at Blue, then looking to the side as If he was thinking about the suggestion, and then asked softly:

-“...will you be willing to listen to me?“

Blue smiled softly:

-“Of course Dream“

Dream sighed in relief, and gently approached Blue, his hand gently wrapping around the tiny guardian, Dream slowly analizes Blue, staring at his clothes and his face as Blue just let him, and before Blue knew It, he was shaking with joy, his little friend was now trusting him and looked somewhat calm, but for Blue, It was everything, Dream worriedly looked up at him when he noticed the sudden shaking and the overly happy look on the skeleton’s face:

-“Uhhhh, are you ok mister?“

-“Y-yeah“ Blue answered happily

Dream’s face approached further and started to analize the monster’s excited face, and It seemed to get even more excited the more Dream approached, but Blue couldnt handle It when a tiny hand started poking his face, Blue fell on his back and Dream squeaked in surprise, falling over to his back as well, but then getting up and rushing to Blue:

-“Um, uh, are you sure you’re ok?“

Blue stayed silent, little Dream approached further and poked his cheek various times, he was getting worried about the tall skeleton, but then noticed the big smile on Its face, Dream paused and looked at the smile, poking It at the process, Blue got spooked and looked up at the child poking him:

-“Huh? Uhhh...oh! Yeah im fine, dont worry Dreamy“

The child gave a small relieved sigh, and then smiled softly while lightly hitting Blue’s arm:

-“You scared me for a moment“

-“Heh, sorry“

Blue stared at Dream with a wide grin, as Dream suddenly turned around and laid down on his back above Blue like he was a matress, Blue squeaked with surprise and was about to ask what he was doing before noticing his eyes closed, Dream looked quite relaxed, and Blue didnt want to ruin that, so he watched as the child slowly fell asleep on his body, petting him gently as he did so, he doesnt know exactly what will happen from now on, but he is excited to see what the future holds.

#toddler Dream #swap sans #Ink sans #mentions of Cross #OSD #a what-if #writing #my writing #i cant believe OSD revived my urge to write

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fairycosmos · 3 years

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hey, i have a sister who struggles with addiction. she moved out from our parents to my place when she turned 18, so that she could have some space and that her highs and lows wouldnt affect our younger siblings that much. but shes been going through a hard time for quite long now, which causes her to treat us around her like complete shit. her behaviour led into a pretty bad argument, which led to me driving her to our parents in the middle of the night cause i couldnt mentally or physically handle the shit she was giving me anymore. after that night, she never returned to mine and told our parents to pick her stuff and move it into a new apartment that she got for herself (which locates in the same building as her friends who she uses substances with). she hasnt reached out to me at all, even though we have been around each other and i cant bare to approach her either, cause im still upset and hurt. my mom said that shes already prepared to lose her. i heard from her friends that shes told them that if she goes unconscious, theyre not allowed to call the ambulance or try to help her. i am worried sick to my stomach everytime i think about her and i feel so powerless. my parents just say that theres nothing more we can do, she goes to psychotherapy and shes under the social services but still i feel like we should do something more to help her or to stop her from destroying herself. im so sorry if this message makes you feel uncomfortable, but since ive followed you for quite awhile and i know your experiences with these things, i would appreciate if you could help me with this situation or at least try to give me some advice, how to cope with these feelings that come from loving your sister that struggles. i dont want to lose her.

hey, i am so sorry to hear this. there's a lot i could say and a lot i want to say but can't really articulate. i don't think there's any one size fits all advice for such a complex and heartbreaking situation. i guess i'll begin with what i'm sure of, and that is that your boundaries and feelings are justified. addiction literally rewires your brain and perception of the world beyond recognition, to the point where the only thing the person cares about is their vice. it's just total tunnel vision, selfishness denial and violence on top of selfishness denial and violence. being around ppl like that, especially a loved one, is beyond exhausting, it's its own special kind of hell. like screaming at a brick wall. it's totally understandable that you had to take a step back after falling victim to her erratic, manipulative and abusive behaviour. the drug use explains it but it absolutely does not excuse it. you're really brave for putting your foot down and prioritizing your own mental stability when it all got to be too much. know you never have to regret that. having said that, it's possible for two conflicting feelings to coexist and for them both to be (for lack of a better word) valid. she's your sister - of course you're worried, of course you're terrified for her. of course you love her even while feeling like you hate her, at times. it's alright to let your emotions be illogical, to just weather the storm and let them pass through you. write it down, talk to your loved ones, maybe consider speaking to a therapist or hotline over it. it's perfectly normal to need that support and talking through your circumstances may be illuminating/lead to some personal revelations regarding how you want to approach this. ultimately, you're angry because you care. after a while i was like that too, with my sister. although i tried to let her know that i was more worried than frustrated during our conversations, sometimes i still couldn't help the internal rage. all because i wanted her to wake up to reality and for her to be okay - i didn't get her thought process at all, didn't get her version of the world. and i felt so fucking powerless because she just strayed so quickly from her path, despite what she was telling me, despite her being relatively fine mere months prior. despite us being best friends and on good terms. it's a headfuck, and you don't have to know what to do, you don't have to have anything figured out. just try to focus on what you need, today.

the hardest thing to accept is the fundamental truth of the situation, and that is that you can't fix this for her. can't love her out of it, can't enable her out of it, can't fight her out of it. all you can do is be there for her emotionally while still maintaining the appropriate boundaries necessary to preserve ur own mental wellbeing. it's completely okay if you need more time - i know you said you cant bear to reach out to her at the moment, which makes total sense. but since you sent this message and i can still see that you're beyond concerned and it's only getting worse, maybe you could consider calling her or sending her a text or meeting her for coffee when you're ready. just to let her know you haven't stopped thinking of her. and that you care about her so much, that when/if she's ready to get help you will be with her every step of the way. even if shes battling addiction for the rest of her life. if she screams at you, if she breaks down, if she ignores you for what you say - fine. but at least she'll know on some level that she is not alone, and at least you'll know you did what you could with what was in your control. also about her being under social services - is there any way you could get in touch with them, maybe explain that youre still worried about her and that you think she needs a higher level of care, maybe ask them if theres anything proactive you can do in collaboration with them to maximize the help shes getting? i dont know how it works where you are, that might be a no go, but i just thought i'd mention it. i'm sorry, i know it's a disappointing answer, but i really don't realistically think there's any other. there's only so much of this that is in your hands and so far it sounds like you've done and are doing everything possible to stay sane while looking out for her. i really really hope something clicks for her and that she starts to listen to you and her loved ones soon, that she begins to approach recovery out of the genuine need to get better. but it really does have to come from within her, all you can do is encourage it. im sending you both so much love. i know more than anyone how fucking stressful it is to have to wake up to this every day, and i'm so sorry. if you need someone to talk to, my inbox will always be open. you deserve peace in your own life, too. take care x

resource one

resource two

resource three

#tw addiction #tw drugs #anon #talking

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flower-of-the-desert · 6 years

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very unpopular opinion on the mothers : I don't get why Jocelyn get so much hate? All the wrong choices she made was because she wanted what she thought was the best for Clary. A mother's love for her child, that was it. Idk but this always made me empathize with her much more than with Maryse? And yes, Jocelyn tried to kill Jace, but because she thought he was her lost son who might have been raised by Valentine? She knew how evil he could be and she was right, look at the real Jonathan! (1/2)

(2/2) Now, Maryse. While I'm glad she gets to have her redemption arc, what's bothering me is that everyone's so quick to forgive her? She was a member of the Circle, she massacred tons of Downworlders, she was way more bothered than Robert when Alec chose to be with a Downworlder, but now everything is better than good with Magnus? It's like none of those things ever mattered? And, let's not forget that she wanted to abandon her own son Jace and called him a cancer : again forgotten real quick.

Obviously, I cant speak for anyone else but for me personally, the issue was never about how she dealt with Clary. That’s actually the one thing I think she did right. Keeping Clary hidden and waiting till she was old enough to tell her the truth about the shadowhunters is logical and reasonable in my opinion. Having little Clary go around the city interacting with DWs and attracting the attention of demons would have made it harder to keep her under Valentine’s radar. Plus without any weapons or runes she would have been completely defenceless against any attack as we saw in one of the flashbacks to young Clary being attacked by a demon at the park.

My problem with Jocelyn is her treatment of downworlders (which is my standard problem with every shadowhunter ever) and how she turned her back on Jonathan. She acts like she can use anyone and everyone as long as it serves her purposes and expects others - mainly Magnus - to just do what she wants. I still have no idea why both he and Ragnor decided to risk their lives by helping her tbh.

She had the balls to tell Jace that “the Clave can be reasoned with but the wolves cant”. The Clave. The same fucking institution which spawned Valentine and his followers, the same institution which is the very opposite definition of reasonable, which abuses and surpesses DWs any chance they get. They apparently can be reasoned with but not “the wolves”. Riiiight. And let’s not forget Luke aka the dude who was her husband’s parabatai, the guy she might or might not have cheated on said husband with, the guy who has stayed by her side for more than 20 years, unconditionally supporting her and who has basically been raising her daughter as his own without expecting or demanding anything of Jocelyn in return, you know, that guy is also a werewolf. Who cannot be reasoned with.

She does the same judgemental thing with Jonathan when she decides he’s irrevocably evil and beyond salvation because he killed her flowers when he was a baby. Let that sink in, She abandoned her son because he killed some flowers as a baby. I mean... and even we assume that she could “sense” the evil in him and that’s how she knew, the fact that she immeadiately becomes absolutely convinced that he is so evil and unsavable the only possible solution is to shot him on sight is just... ridiculous. And that’s a belief that has remained strong for more than 20 years. Blood determining who you are as a person and whether you’re good or bad is the bullshit that comes out of Vallentine’s mouth because he is the villian and so he’s supposed to talk nonsense. Except that the show goes and confirms that he is in fact correct because look at evil Jonathan killing innocent flowers when he’s barely out of the womb because of how evil his blood is! And the mother of our main hero thinks so too and the text never proves her wrong! Yay for undermining the entire point of having the villian defeated cause he’s right anyway!

So yeah, those are my main issues with Jocelyn.

As for Maryse, I agree that there hasnt been enough focus on her being a former Circle member, especially in relation to Magnus. I’ve said before that the thing I didnt like about the dinner scene where she thanks Magnus for loving Alec is that it completely ignore this context of their backstories and acts like Maryse’s only wrongdoing was disapproving of their relationship at the beginning. When there’s a lot more that should be addressed between her and Magnus. And yes, her redemption arc went a little bit too fast and in not a lot of details but since she’s just a minor character I wasnt expecting more than this. I think it was an overall a decent portrayl of her change of heart.

#shadowhunters #shadowhunters meta #my sh posts #Anonymous

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b0stonmanor · 6 years

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since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am

1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)

2: Age:19

3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life

4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping

5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh

6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao

7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner

8: Sexual orientation: pansexual

9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao

10: How tall am I: 5′8

11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name

12: What time was I born: 2:06am

13: Favourite color: blue

14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man

15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs

16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house

17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo

18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not

19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)

20: First thing I notice in new person: smile

21: Shoe size: no

22: Eye color: hazel

23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red

24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho

25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally

27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken

28: Favourite movie: I have way too many

29: Favourite song: again way too many

30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many

31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted

32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad

33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single

34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay

35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me

45: Where am I right now?: my room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: nah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch

57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front

61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch

65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma

66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh

69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)

71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye

74: Favourite animal?: cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question

78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea

80: What is my favorite word? bitch

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking

86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic

87: Had sex?: nah

88: Bought condoms?: nah

89: Gotten pregnant?: nah

90: Failed a class?: nah

91: Kissed a boy?: ye

92: Kissed a girl?: ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah

94: Had job?: ye

95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah

97: Had sex in public?: nah

98: Played on a sports team?: ye

99: Smoked weed?: ye

100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried

104: Been overweight?: no answer

105: Been underweight? also no answer

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: nah

110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye

112: Broken a bone?: ye

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: nah

117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely

119: Learned another language?: not fully

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god

122: Had oral sex?: nah

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me

126: Had a surgery?: nah

127: Met someone famous?: I guess?

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: I think so

132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected

133: Broken a mirror?: probably

134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea

136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt

137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye

138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea

139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History

140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire

141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao

143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am

145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah

148: What I’m really bad at: everything

149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff

152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows

153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao

154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things

155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know

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moonlit-void-to-the-far-unknown · 6 years

Text

I answered a lot of shit cause i was bored. enjoy or don’t i don’t fucking care

1: Name: Cheynne.

2: Age: 21

3: 3 Fears: Dying alone, never finding actual love, everyone dying but me because of something I could have stopped.

4: 3 things I love: Music, Good movies, Good acting and good accents in movies.

5: 4 turns on: Good smile, Nice eyes, If you look like you could kill me, nice hair

6: 4 turns off: Being a dick, Entitlement, if you act as if I owe you something, not telling me I upset you or did something wrong and then being an actual dick when telling me whats wrong.

7: My best friend: IRL? Myself. Online I have many.

8: Sexual orientation: Asexual panromantic

9: My best first date: Didn’t have one

10: How tall am i: 5’2. 5’3 if I stand up all the way.

11: What do I miss: When I felt true emotions.

12: What time were you born: 3:02pm

13: Favorite color: Black. Because it is the absence of all colors and I just like it,

14: Do I have a crush: On people I know? No. On actors yes. Many.

15: Favorite quote: “never more quoth the raven” and or “all we see or seem is but a dream with in a dream”

16: Favorite place: My bed.

17: Favorite food: Pizza or Chicken

18: Do I use sarcasm: no…none….

19: What am I listening to right now: Barns Courtney “hellfire”

20: First thing I notice in new person: Eyes or How they speak, like volume and tone.

21: Shoe size: 8.5 or a 9 depending

22: Eye color: Greenish hazel

23: Hair color: Natural is like a dark brown

24: Favorite style of clothing: Comfortable, leggings and my hoodie

25: Ever done a prank call?: Not that I can recall

27: Meaning behind my URL: I liked how it sounded in my head

28: Favorite movie: Currently…jeez…uh either CA:CW or CA:WS

29: Favorite song: Gasoline by Halsey

30: Favorite band: Don’t have one currently

31: How I feel right now: Dead inside…like normal

32: Someone I love: Love is very hard for me cause of things

33: My current relationship status: Single

34: My relationship with my parents: ummmmmmmmm Emotionally destroying. My father(s) can fuck off. And my mom is just a whole can of worms

35: Favorite holiday: Halloween

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: I have 2 tattoos one on my back and one on my wrist. I had my labret and my nose at one point.

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: *shrugs* idk man

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: Cause I hated myself. Idk actually it was in like 2012 so

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: We don’t speak so

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: Hahahaha you act like I have IRL friends and family who actually care. no

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: My mother..yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: 2-3 years ago

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: less then 5 minutes

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?: yep

45: Where am I right now?: My house. On my bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: Myself.

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: depends on what I am doing or where I am.

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: Fuck no. thank god

49: Am I excited for anything?: Um Avengers: IW, Season 3 of Animal Kingdom, and Joe coles newest movie.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?: No

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: every time I leave the house.

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: Last Friday, One of my bosses left the store I work at.

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: Ew. I don’t like having to see my mom kiss her boyfriend.

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: Yes and No

55: What is something I disliked about today?: Waking up to some shitty shit.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: Finn and Joe Cole o I could tell them they are actually so amazing at every role they do. Sebastian Stan. And Bill Skarsgard

57: What do I think about most?: Fanfic ideas

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do a weird thing with my middle fingers.

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: Holes in things. But only sometimes

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: Behind

61: What was the last lie I told?: Idk honestly

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: Online

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: Yes, and Yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I mean if I didn’t my witch sisters would be a little peeved at me.

65: Do I believe in luck?: Yes

66: What’s the weather like right now?: grey and rainy

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: smoke gets in your eyes: tales from the crematory.

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: yes

69: Do I have any nicknames?: yes

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I worked in a deli and my hand slipped one night and I needed 6 stitches. My finger is forever warped from it

71: Do I spend money or save it?: both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?: yep sissors

74: Favorite animal?: Sloth,

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: watching “redlight” Cillian Murphy in that movie. Hes amazing

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: Well he is just a fallen angel right, god cast him down and all archangels have no last name so.

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: You are my sunshine.

78: How can you win my heart?: Understand my past is very fucked up and in such has caused me to become a very unemotional and uncaring person at times.

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?: Finally

80: What is my favorite word?: Cunt

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: @roman-ova @imaginesoverreality @animalkingdom-anonymous @bookofreid and so many more so

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: Fuck off

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: Yes

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?: Teleportation.

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?: How people really feel about me.

86: What is my current desktop picture?: A gif of Pietro from AOU

87: Had sex?: Nope

88: Bought condoms?: nope

89: Gotten pregnant?: nope

90: Failed a class?: many

91: Kissed a boy?: yes

92: Kissed a girl?: a few

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nope

94: Had job?: yep a few

95: Left the house without my wallet?: yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: when I was young and very dumb

97: Had sex in public?: Nope

98: Played on a sports team?: Only in PE and I wanted to die

99: Smoked weed?: Nope

100: Did drugs?: Nope

101: Smoked cigarettes?: yes

102: Drank alcohol?: yes

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: Nope

104: Been overweight?: Still am bitch, hypothyroidism is a whore

105: Been underweight?: nope

106: Been to a wedding?: Yes.

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: every day

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: yeah

109: Been outside my home country?: yep

110: Gotten my heart broken?: yep

111: Been to a professional sports game?: yes, hockey, basketball, and baseball

112: Broken a bone?: nope,

113: Cut myself?: I self harmed for 9 years so

114: Been to prom?: yep

115: Been in airplane?: yes

116: Fly by helicopter?: Nope.

117: What concerts have I been to?: Warped tour 2011, blood on the dance floor like twice.

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: Bitch….every day

119: Learned another language?: Yes German 1 and 2 in high school

120: Wore make up?: yep

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: nope still am bitch

122: Had oral sex?: nope

123: Dyed my hair?: yes. All the time

124: Voted in a presidential election?: yep in the…2016..

125: Rode in an ambulance?: over 12 times

126: Had a surgery?: yes 2.

127: Met someone famous?: Yeah one of the guys from La ink and a few authors

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: yeah…who hasnt

129: Peed outside?: yes

130: Been fishing?: yes

131: Helped with charity?: yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?: every time

133: Broken a mirror?: yes

134: What do I want for birthday?: My family to actually give a shit about me.

#ask #things #idk #i'ma #go watch #peaky blinders #or #animal kingdom #and write #some #j cody x reader #its gonna be rough needy smut

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bathildabadsock · 6 years

Text

92 TRUTHS TAG

RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. at the end choose 25 people to be tagged.

I was tagged by @aubco27 Thanks for tagging me! Sorry im so late with this, university is kicking my ass.

LAST:

drink: Mountain Dew

phone call: i keep getting this spam call from California...

text message: my friend about how she hasnt played in band class for the past 15 minutes

song you listened to: What is Life Jacksepticeye remix by Schmoyoho

time you cried: i cant remember...which i suppose is a good thing?

HAVE YOU EVER:

dated someone twice: No

been cheated on: not that i know of...

kissed someone and regretted it: at the time no, now yes

lost someone special: yes, it was my cat. ive been lucky and have not lost anybody else

been depressed: oh hell yeah. much better now, but it still looms

been drunk and thrown up: not yet

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

made a new friend: Yes

fallen out of love: nope

laughed until you cried: probably

met someone who changed you: hardcore

found out who your true friends are: sure

found out someone was talking about you : no...

GENERAL:

how many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: like 4...

do you have any pets?: got a doggo back home

do you want to change your name?: only my middle name cause all of my documents are spelled wrong. its an unconventional spelling

what time did you wake up this morning: 10 AM i didnt have class until noon today

what were you doing last night: studying for a quiz that got moved to friday

name something you cannot wait for: to spend valentines day with the girlfriend

have you ever talked to a person named tom?: yeah thats my dads name

what’s getting on your nerves right now: the amount of shit i have to do for classes every damn week

blood type: O negative I believe... should donate blood more...

nickname: case and short stuff by my parents (not short tho), i get nerd sometimes cause im a dork =)

relationship status: Taken =p

zodiac sign: Taurus

pronouns: they/their

favourite show: BBC documenteres and gamer youtubers

college: junior second semester (gotta go an extra semester tho)

hair color: its pink right now

do you have a crush on someone: uhhhhh my girlfriend i suppose???

what do you like about yourself: my long legs and my broad shoulders

FIRSTS:

first surgery: Wisdom teeth this past summer

first piercing: ear lobs

first sport you joined: soccer when i was 7

first vacation: uh probably some boring day trip with my family

first pair of sneakers: ?????? probably as a child

RIGHT NOW:

eating: thinking about getting dinner

drinking: air

i’m about to: get dinner lol

listening to: EXO Going Crazy

want kids: hell no

get married: yes

career: Volcanology (study of volcanoes)

WHICH IS BETTER:

lips or eyes: lips

hugs or kisses: both ;)

shorter or taller: depends

older or younger: dont care so long as it isnt huge

romantic or spontaneous: either

sensitive or loud: both is nice but all of my friends are rather loud

hookup or relationship : relationship

troublemaker or hesitant: i suppose either?

HAVE YOU EVER:

kissed a stranger: nope

drank hard liquor: nah

lost contacts/glasses: not yet

sex on first date: no

broken someone’s heart: i have no idea, i was not told if i have

been arrested: no

turned someone down: when it was a joke, yes

fallen for a friend: yup

DO YOU BELIEVE:

in yourself: sometimes

miracles: maybe???

love at first sight: eh not for myself

Im tagging anyone else who wants to do these! Cause i certainly love to do these, even if i am late

#done #finally caught up #time to get dinner lol

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niladmirai · 6 years

Note

Do all the numbers. Do them all. I want every answer.

Geez, thats a tall order

1: NameDavid

2: AgeTurning 23 in March

3: 3 FearsHeightsRejection from family/friendsFailure

4: 3 things I loveMy loved onesVideo GamesArt

5: 4 turns onIntelligenceCommon interestsGenuine joy and happinessGreat listener

6: 4 turns offSmokingAsshole attitudeIgnoranceDisrespect

7: My best friendAt this point in time, it’s hard to say…

8: Sexual orientationStraight

9: My best first dateNever went out on a date ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

10: How tall am I5'6"

11: What do I missNot being tied down by the pressure of being an adult

12: What time were I bornExact time, 9:11AM; The date, March 12th

13: Favorite colorBlue

14: Do I have a crushLmao not at the moment

15: Favorite quote“Do or do not. There is no try.” -Yoda

16: Favorite placeMy hometown of NYC

17: Favorite foodFrench Fries

18: Do I use sarcasmWhen do I not?

19: What am I listening to right nowNothing. Its 8:30AM as I type this lol

20: First thing I notice in new personTheir face and hair

21: Shoe size11

22: Eye colorBrown

23: Hair colorBlack

24: Favorite style of clothingJacket, hoodie and jeans

25: Ever done a prank call?Once

27: Meaning behind my URLBased on the phrase ‘nil admirari’ but i missed the last ‘r’ lmao

28: Favorite movieBetween Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and Speed Racer

29: Favorite songTo Zanarkand

30: Favorite bandNone in particular. But favorite musician would be Bruno Mars

31: How I feel right nowTo be honest, mostly indifferent about a lot of things

32: Someone I loveMy older cousin for being an awesome guy to hang around with

33: My current relationship statusSingle

34: My relationship with my parentsLove them to death!

35: Favorite holidayChristmas mostly for Christmas music

36: Tattoos and piercing i haveNada. If i did, my dad would flip and rip em

37: Tattoos and piercing i wantIf i was allowed to, a pink star on my neck like the Joestars or the Zanarkand Abes logo on my arm

38: The reason I joined TumblrFriend mentioned it when I was at a retreat and was curious to what it is.

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?Nah, we ended on good terms

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?Nope lol

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?No lmao

42: When did I last hold hands?Yesterday during Mass

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?Thirty Minutes tops

44: Have I shaved your legs in the past three days?How bout my whole life

45: Where am I right now?In my room on my bed

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?My cousin and brother

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?Resonable so its actually audible

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?Yea

49: Am I excited for anything?My said cousin before is coming to visit!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?Yes

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?Usually half the time

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?Yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?I could care less at this point in time

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?Nope

55: What is something I disliked about today?It’s 8:30am. I didnt sleep yet.

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?My japanese cousins whom ive never seen or met

57: What do I think about most?Fire Emblem Heroes

58: What’s my strangest talent?My thumb is double jointed

59: Do I have any strange phobias?Nah all are kind normal

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Both

61: What was the last lie I told?'I’m going to the car to get something’

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?Talking on the phone

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?Both

64: Do I believe in magic?Nope

65: Do I believe in luck?Yea

66: What’s the weather like right now?Clear

67: What was the last book I’ve read?Something in my college class 3 years ago

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?Hell no

69: Do I have any nicknames?Dabid or bid

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?My right index finger nail came off

71: Do I spend money or save it?Spend sadly. Its a bad habit.

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?Nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me?My RWBY Vol. 5 poster

74: Favorite animal?Birda

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?Playing Fire Emblem Heroes

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?Hercule’s last name is Satan

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?Right now, the Finesse with Cardi B

78: How can you win my heart?If we share some interests, maybe thats hos

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?A beloved by many, and loved to play games

80: What is my favorite word?Free

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrLmao never cared about favorite blogs

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?The world will be ruined if we continue the path we follow. We need to change.

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?Thankfully no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?The power of luck manipulation

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?How’s the job search going?

86: What is my current desktop picture?The intro screen of Xenoblade Chronicles

87: Had sex?Never haha

88: Bought condoms?From my brother LOL

89: Gotten pregnant?Im a guy

90: Failed a class?Yes

91: Kissed a boy?On the cheek

92: Kissed a girl?Yes

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?Lmao no

94: Had job?Nope

95: Left the house without my wallet?Yes…

96: Bullied someone on the internet?No

97: Had sex in public?Still no

98: Played on a sports team?Yeah, bowling back in elementary school

99: Smoked weed?Nope

100: Did drugs?Perscription drugs

101: Smoked cigarettes?Nope

102: Drank alcohol?Hella

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?No

104: Been overweight?I currently am lol

105: Been underweight?No

106: Been to a wedding?Loads of times

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?Five is an understatement

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?F I V E I S A N U N D E R S T A T E M E N T

109: Been outside my home country?Yea

110: Gotten my heart broken?Of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?Yeah!

112: Broken a bone?No

113: Cut myself?Papercuts

114: Been to prom?Yep. Loved it.

115: Been in airplane?Yeah

116: Fly by helicopter?Not yet

117: What concerts have I been to?The Eagles, Air Supply, my high school’s band

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?Admired, not crush

119: Learned another language?Java

120: Wore make up?Just nail polish

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?No lmaooo

122: Had oral sex?No

123: Dyed my hair?Nah

124: Voted in a presidential election?Yes. Still upset about the end result.

125: Rode in an ambulance?No

126: Had a surgery?On my tonsils

127: Met someone famous?Yeah! I met Julius Erving as a kid and recently Pewdiepie a few years back.

128: Stalked someone on a social network?Who hasnt lol

129: Peed outside?Had no choice

130: Been fishing?Yep! I wanna do it again!

131: Helped with charity?Yeah

132: Been rejected by a crush?All thd time

133: Broken a mirror?Naw

134: What do I want for birthday?Money, a Switch, games to play on the Switch, games to play on my PS4, and most importantly, happiness

Whew that took awhile!

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ketterdamns · 6 years

Text

a brief history

so anyway i’ve been doing a lot of work over the last year (hence why im kinda awol and maybe less positive than I used to be) and the biggest thing that has always come up is to stop retreating when I need to be honest about the things that have happened to me, when acknowledging the things in my life that have damaged me and also as an exercise to let trust my friends and others not to use this information to hurt me- the only power of these words in the hands of others is what I perceive them to have. if i give it away freely and own it it can no longer be used to hurt me, or at least, that is the general idea i might regret this. i might not. i just think i need to try because im so so so tired.

Anyway, under the cut; csa, parental and spousal abuse, rape, trauma,drugs, addiction, basically all of the triggers. a slightly optimistic ending tho!!!

Additionally; if you read this, please can you in some way acknowledge that u have, via text, whatsapp, dm, pm, messages, likes (no reblogs pls!!) just so i can keep track of who knows what ty!!!!

its really hard to admit that ive never had a stable home life. never even had a stable home, from the moment i was in the womb my mum was running, away from my dad (who never let her go), from my dad’s mum- who wanted me dead for reasons my mum has never been able to divulge, from poverty and homelessness throughout my formative years.

That’s when it started maybe, I was about 3-4/5 we ended up having to move in with my uncle (my dads brother) and his wife. it was an uncomfortable situation for all, we were a family of four intruding on newlyweds, but we were desperate and immigrants to a new country without qualifications for work or money to support us or even a job to hold down. My mum tried her best, but my brother was one and i was two years older. I ended up spending a lot of time with my uncle, who often “took me off of her hands” for afternoons. I don’t rly remember those afternoons, except that I would always play up beforehand, not wanting to go. At some point, my aunt caught on, and instead of talking to her husband, or throwing his pedo ass out, she took out her ??jealousy?? on me, and started pinching me so hard i bruised. she would blame me for my uncle’s behaviour. i was a “madame” pretending to be his “princess”, my mum caught her hitting me, and packed our bags immediately, despite my father not allowing us to leave. we had to stay in that house for another two months, and this is when my mum would never want to let me out of her sight again. And this is also the beginning of the pattern that my dad would allow these things to happen to me but I was just a baby. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know what was happening or why they were. No-one spoke to me and I had no one else in my life at that time.

We spent some really uncomfortable years in uncomfortable places, but honestly being homeless for that year, and then moving into council accommodation was sort of the least of my worries. I was eight years old the time I was sexually and emotionally abused by my other uncle (also my dad’s brother). It was my first trip back to our home country My grandma spent all her time telling me I was awful (it turns out... she’s a piece of shit) all because I refused to call her “Mum”, she wanted to kidnap me and my brother, and idk what else. but we scuppered her plans by not going along with it. It was a very toxic and scary environment, so when my Uncle would invite me into his next door flat, and treat me with kindness, I was overjoyed. Finally, another adult I could trust! My grandparents used to police food, and essentially only allowed me one meal a day. Back in the UK we were very poor, and rarely got to have sweets unless they were gifts from other people, so my uncle already had the perfect tool to entice me. That first summer, I ate sweets and let him pamper me, slowly giving him more and more affection like sitting on his lap etc, because it meant more sweets for me and my brother. he was my favourite person in the world and i was sure that he was the one person i could truly trust and talk to about anything. I used to dream of moving in with him and living peacefully, well fed, in a quiet cosy environment. The next summer, I was nine, and my dad had almost finished his uni, meaning we were expecting more money. I had my fill of sweets. He bought me toys instead. Slowly, his requests for affection turned into demands. Slowly, his affection turned into something twisted and horrible, something dirty. I once tried to raise the point to my grandma, that sometimes my uncle did things that scared me. she told me off for being a coward. I didn’t say anything. I was getting toys, my little brother was being fed, my mum finally had a friend in my dads side of the family in him. I knew enough about unstable homes that the slightest disagreement could lead to homelessness again and I didnt want that. Maybe my silence was my strength.

This was confirmed when he raped me when I was 12. It is the last time I will ever see that side of the family. I was in shock the whole time, I didn’t know what to do. When we got home, back onto firm cold soil and the safety of our shitty one bedroom council flat in the roughest estate , I opened up to my dad that for years i’d been terrorised by my uncle and afraid of saying something. Dads were supposed to protect their little girls from big bad men, even if that man was their brother.

All I got for my troubles was another man who began to hurt me. Outraged that I’d ever speak something so horrible my dad began to beat me. Constantly. And if my mum got involved? He’d beat her too. she didn’t even know what was happening, but there was a point she also went silent, and it was all on me to bear the pain I’d tried to share. The following summer, my uncle died in a freak accident When I heard the news I laughed because I couldn’t help myself, and getting hit for it was worth it for the news. I never had to see him again. He died and I was free. Except my dad never quite forgot what I had said, and he never forgave me for it.

Anyway by this point I was a teenager, we moved again and constantly over the years until we properly settled and actually bought a house and I had a strong group of friends who didn’t mind my weirdness and my lack of skills. My mum at this point couldnt bear that I was branching out from her bubble, and something snapped in her too, she started to search my room, stalk my friends, refuse to let me out. honestly.. no i dont blame her (even tho her behaviour hasnt changed and im 23, but at the time? it increased how trapped i felt)

I was a teenager and I had a best friend. She loved a boy named DJ who was 18. DJ used to stalk me, and I kept quiet because I knew she liked him and I knew speaking up would cause me more trouble. I could look after her, and myself. DJ assaulted me one night at a party. I shouldn’t have been there and I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing. I was already experimenting with drinks and drugs because I was dead inside anyway. he hurt me and then told my best friend that i’d hooked up with him and hoodwinked him into getting with me because i wanted to hurt her. within days that story was around school. i was the easy kid who would sleep with anyone for the drama, and i was quiet. i was terrified news would get to my mum, or my little brother who was also starting at that school. but most of all i was terrified of telling my side of the story, and to be hurt more than i was hurting already. I unfriended them all, and even though DJ continued to stalk me i kept quiet. DJ sent me a necklace with a dove, explaining the significance was that the dove was my innocence or some other weird creepy crap. my mum found it in the bin where id tried to bury it under rubbish i told her a fraction of the truth, I was being harassed by a boy and I didn’t welcome his advances. I didn’t tell her it was already too late. The school of course told him to keep away, and he did for the most part, and one time he tried to corner me while I was skiving off of a class and there was no one around, I ran and went to tell a teacher. I got told to “grow up” and sometimes “we have to get along with people we dont like”. I was the villain in their eyes. I swore I would do everything in my power to get out of this school, go to the grammar in a new city where my reputation . DJ was arrested this year for online grooming an d sharing child pornography, and it honestly breaks my heart that its been going on for so long. maybe i should have said more, but who to?

My time at school wasn’t all bad. And i had my first real positive experience with an older man. My english teacher once caught me unawares and I had a panic attack at being alone with a man-- he was gentle and kind, and worked with me to get to where i wanted to be grades-wise. he let me borrow his books and told me stories about his own son and i understood what real love meant, and it broke me that i’d never experienced it.

My brother had grown so big now, and threatened my dad. if he ever lay another finger on one of us under our roof, my brother would kill him. my brother spent his childhood learning to fight, he’s in the runnings for the Olympics. My dad recognised the threat was real. And never hit me when my brother was home. However, when my brother wasn’t home... that was another story. my silence then was another kind of strength. I couldnt tell him the truth, because if he followed through on this threat, his life would be over. My dad got more sneaky, he would avoid my face, he’d grab my ankle and twist it so tight that it’s now forever fucked up.

Despite all my fucked-up ness I did make it to grammar school, despite my parents not wanting me to go there. And im so glad i did. I finally had two years with minimal assault. My dad hurt me sometimes? The first night after my induction class because summer break, my dad took my prized hockey stick- one I’d worked long days to afford, and smashed it on my leg. I had to get crutches and didn’t leave my house for most of the summer, because I didn’t want to explain what happened. I couldn’t play my sport ever again properly. I lied to my friends and told them i was in my home country for the summer. i legit did not leave my house unless it was for doctors appts.

occasional nights he would be tired of me doing nothing but homework or making projects, or being loud. Alternately, he’d hate it when suddenly i became withdrawn and uncommunicative. when i physically couldn’t move etc. anyway turns out these were symptoms of my MI which wouldn’t be diagnosed for a long while, despite trying to find what was wrong with me from this point onwards. but!!! for the most part! it was great! my school was in another city! i had freedom for a couple hours every day to do what i wanted! i made friends who embraced my weirdness! i had no reputation and i had my very own laptop finally so i could finally have some privacy!

too much privacy, i refused to give my mum my laptop password. hearing this, my dad threw my laptop down the stairs.

i used what little money i had from part time jobs to fix it, but its something im resentful of to this day. my mum, in her eagerness to protect me, just let him hurt me again.

anyway blah blah blah i moved to london and it was amazing i ran away i was free everything was going to change and i was finally going to be the person i always knew i was destined to be! chic and cosmopolitan and cool and confident and most importantly, safe, and comfortable, and in control. And I was. and then three weeks before halloween it happened again. i’d been away from home for two months now, and i’d started dabbling in harder drugs than weed, but that night i was not high. i was not in withdrawal. i was only drunk. i got raped again. this time, i did report it, but only because my housemates knew it had happened. i got rushed to A&E where they are legally required to call the police. the police took me to their HQ and i was interviewed. they arrested him. none of this was my choice, and my lack of silence led to a lack of control. I know ive been detailed already, but i wont go into detail about the rape kits they have and the questions i got asked and the journalists who dogged me and the nosy gossips who wanted to know the juicy deets. I don’t want to go into detail about how i realised I was a victim and was always going to be a victim, and i cant go into detail about the most recent abuses, not yet. All I know is i once thought i was in love with a boy called ‘T’, and what he did to me was worse because he made me believe this was all I could get and that I had to settle. He made me believe that him getting off on my trauma was love, instead of him picturing me as a child repeatedly brutalised by my male relatives. The moment I came to my senses and he was gone, I realised I was alone again. I failed my second year of uni, because the day before my final exam, my rapists wife found my house in london, idk how. She and her child begged me to help her husband’s appeal. I sympathised with her, she was a non-native with broken english looking after her kid. She reminded me of my mum. I told her for her chid’s sake and for her sake, I couldn’t. She cursed me and nothing has been the same since. actually, the lovely people of tumblr helped me raise the funds to complete summer school and carry on with my life. i now hold a masters degree. i remember each and every one of u who donated or signal boosted. i also remember my choice to keep his wife out of it, and not mention her. silence was golden.

This year my rapist was deported after raping another person when he was released for good behaviour.

anyway. despite all of this magnitude of shit that has happened to me. despite my numerous addictions that im still working thru (im sorry if u knew me when i was nothing but a junkie. at 19/20 I was not a good person and anything I said that was thoughtful or provocative came from a bad place. I gave bad advice and abused my medication alongside brown and alcohol. My manic episodes got worse than I’ve ever experienced and usually led to me some very dark very scary places. I’m mostly better now but the last year has Been A Lot. I tried to kill myself twice. Once, I was saved by police, which is... embarrassing and I lied my ass off (and brandished the fact i was a MASTERS STUDENT OF LAW and they had entirely the wrong end of the stick) and another time, i was saved by chance. I am making so much progress tho. I’m proud of me. I’ve become more independent. I’m not afraid to speak out when I’m dissatisfied now. I know strength comes from knowing what you want and what you don’t want, not settling for the worst because unknown reactions in my imagination are worse than whatever reality has in store.

im graduating from my masters next week. i feel as tho ive lost a lot of friends and people i cared about- all i can say is im sorry. i’m trying. but if i fuck up, its on me. if i speak too loudly and it hurts you, please tell me. if i dropped away, its because i had to work on me, and im sorry, and im ready to come back, if you’ll have me. I’m really excited about the future, but im scared too. the last three months have been so hard and every day i feel like giving up again, but I won’t. there has to be a reason i survived all this, and im yet to find it, but i hope i will. im still going thru shit. my dad is still the worst. but i have a really lovely partner who is so so so patient with me- more than i deserve, im in touch with a doctor and a sleep therapist, my brother is looking out for me and im getting in touch with old friends, and im making new ones all the time. thank you for sticking by me, and sorry for the long read. i just had to get it out there you know? its my truth and the silence was killing more than anything else in this stupid story is. ive left lots of details out, but parts of my story interlink with others and other parts im still holding onto, i cant share everything online i think thats enough oversharing for a long long time.

#all of the trigger warning; you have been warned #please acknowledge this if u read it so i know who to be awkward with lol #tbd

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misskittybutler-blog · 6 years

Text

Long standing crush confessions

Crush...

2016 It's awful having a crush on someone. It really is. Take pity on those who are in love... Don't envy us... it hurts to crush... that's why it is called a crush - because that is exactly what it does. It crushes you. Every day.

When you open your eyes in the morning and the first thing you think of is their beautiful smile - you are crushed when you remember that you can't just turn over and find them there beside you...

When you find something cute online - a picture or a song and you download it with them in mind... Then you remember that you cannot send it to them because you've already texted them too much this week...

Then you are crushed. You swallow down would-be interactions because you're terified they'll catch on to your feelings and start to pull away... Or worse still 'talk tobyou about it'... That thought crushes you still further.

You imagen perhaps if you say just the right words, or if the two of you were forced into just the right situation... at the right proximity... or perhaps if you flick your hair just right that somhow they will magically start to feel the same way for you... You remember that it's never worked, and you always look your best around them... and it's never worked and you are crushed again. No matter how cute you are... they just dont like you that way. You're not enough and crushed again.

Every day this missing lover hurts your pride by not calling, not texting... it's easy for them to go a long time without you ever crossing their minds. For you it's an achievement to go a whole week without sending them anything... They don't know how many times they crush you... You cannot even be mad with them... the pain of missing them starts to become your friend because it never leaves you. Your devotion becomes your tormentor.

After a long day of living your life in all the technicolour you can muster you lie in bed and still they are there... In your mind, in your heart and beating in your veins as you imagine their lips again... After an exhausting day of pushing those thought away you indulge - you are tired and your defenses are down. You think about your desire and imagine some senario wherein this beautiful creature would look at you - YOU - with playfulness in their eyes. Your heart beats lava and you bite your lip too hard. You are taken by your passion, helpless, and imagine the taste of theirs...

Afterwards the bed is only luke warm and you remember that you shouldn't indulge these fantasies... You have to stop provoking your emotions like this! Pull yourself together this is getting out of hand. You crush yourself with lectures you've agreed with a million times. "It can never be. I am being foolish. It would ruin everything."

You sleep to escape the truth that you want what you cannot have. You sleep to hide from the fact that you feel like you are doing this to yourself and therefore deserve no sympathy or peace.

You meet your love in your dreams and all those shards of you melt in the warmth of their easy gaze... You relax and smile and awake with their smile on your mind... but you cannot roll over and find them there...

Do not envy those who are in love.

Pity us poor wretches who can only tell strangers on tumblr about this debilitating pain - and who must bite our tounges andbdig our finger nails into the palms of our hands as we are crushed each hour of each day.

Pity us who read too much into each interaction...

Pity us who have reliquished any hope of satisfaction.

Pity us who can never say any of these things aloud.

I've been in love with someone I can never ever have for more than a year. Worst part is I think they know, they just don't care.

~~~~~~~

2017: it's the 31st of December and I saw him today for the first time in weeks. I was really proud of the progress I'd made. I'd deleted all his messages, changed his name to his formal title on my phone and refused myself any contact with him. I promised myself that when I saw him again I'd keep a distance, no more hugs or kisses - space - healthy space.

He came straight up to me, bold as the sun and wrapped me so tight in his arms. I melted. and he smelt so good, so familiar and safe. He kissed the top of my head... like a child, a daughter or a sister, as a platonic little thing...

then he was off again smiling and laughing with everyone else. My heart beating lava again and my arms feeling violently empty from his sudden departure. All my work seemingly for nought. He makes me feel vulnerable and I don't know how to counteract it....

I've been working on getting over him and in a split second I am back where I was... Childish girl! Simple stupid creature. utter idiot.... dreamer.... fool.

My new years wish, prayer, resolution, decision, and hope is to be able to forget him. I hate my wicked heart. I never knew it was wicked before now. Before now I thought it would always lead me true. I guess I was wrong.

I send my unwanted love tonight, to those like me who get love from all but the one they want. Happy New Year you melencholy lovers.

I came home and cried. I've cried over him too many times. I promised I never would cry over him again. When I am alone I am so brave, so courageous and so true... when I see him... well... when I see him standing before me in the flesh.... I melt, as I hold my back straight and formal, and pretend I havn't missed him. Pretend that I didnt notice the very second that he came into view. Pretend, pretend, pretend - pretend that it's not difficult to look straight at him, for how long really can one gaze directly at the sun?

I'm going into my second year of unrequited love. it hurts and takes all my strength from me. Lord God above, I know that my pain is nothing at all to compare with the sufferings in this world... I know it is a sin to curse love... I know that I should not lament anything at all but just rejoice... My voice is sad tonight as I call out to you - I have prayed all year for you please to untie this curse in my heart that I love sombody I cannot have.

I've cried and begged you not to let me ever fall in love again. I cry still. I beg still. I cling to you and hope that there will come a morning when I open my eyes and he is not my first thought - I pray for a night when I can resist the fantasy of a kiss....

I pray humbly, please, if you have the inclination to free me from this torment, My Lord, please do so with hast... And if you cannot stop my wicked heart from loving, then let it love better..... Please, I beg you. I hear the fireworks of new year going off in the city, but my heart is bruised and tired tonight. Please forgive me please comfort me please heal me please free me from the thoughts of this man you created. Amen

~~~~~~~~~ So it's April of 2019, I've been in love with somone who doesnt see me that way for waaaay too long. I keep rebelling against my feelings but nothing realy works. I am utterly lost to love... I can admit now that I truly cannot help what I feel for him. What a fool. I spent this most recent Valentines day trying not to feel sad. I swore to myself I wouldnt cry, which of course I did end up doing. Very quietly and not for too long. But I sobbed intensley for a few moments before I pulled myself back together. I've gotten much more used to going and doing things alone. I've had some people come into my life over the past 3 years who've wanted to be my lover. I have refused them because I cannot shake this feeling I have for him... I kissed someone else to make me forget him, but I was an awful person, as I kissed this other person, my mind was imagining him... I can't do that to sombody... Just use their body to fantasize over the person I really want... no... it would hurt terribly if sombody did that to me, I won't do that to sombody else. I've tried and tried, but there are still small things he does that mesmerise me and make me feel warm and happy inside... The thought of his face makes me feel calm when I am afraid. The thought of him gives me courage for my challenges. I'm greatful to know that person like him even exsists... I know that one day, if I am lucky, I will feel the same way again for someone else. Someone who is willing to reach out and take my hand... I'm so tired of aching for someone who will never willingly reach out to me first. Never text first. Never call first. If I am blessed with romantic love, I will find someone who actually wants to be around me more often than only in formal settings... I would like to feel that again... from the person I am in love with especially... To be desired in return... It hurts so badly to feel so much raw powerful lustful beloved energy for sombody who doesnt want any of it. You keep it all in to be respectful and decent. I'm SA English so we're all basically forced to be very polite from birth... I could never be blunt or forward about it, I have given him a million chances to linger with me, and he always runs away. I wish I could make him stay... I wish he would hold my hand... I wish I could sit with him during a beautiful sunset and then watch the fireworks together... I wish it wasn't true that I am in this condition... updating a 3 year old post before falling asleep alone.

April 2019 update: Last night while I was on my dialysis treatment I lay under the blankets and wept uncontrollably, very quietly the tears just flowed from my heartbreak and rejection. I cried so bitterly that my blood pressure went up to 200/123 and needed meds to help bring it down again. I couldnt stop it, much as I tried. Call me pathetic, I dont care, I've called myself that too but it hasnt changed anything about how terrible I feel. I am wasting my life waiting for someone to love me in a way that he never will... I've spent too long thinking that maybe if I improved myself and my status that he would notice me, but I see now that no matter how many things I achieve, or how many things I do, or how attractive I make myself, he simply doesnt want to know. My normal relationships have been with lovers who mutually wanted me back and loved me too. I dont have a track record of falling for "safe" unattainable people... This is an anomaly in my life, not a pattern... I hate myself for this terrible longing. I literally dispise myself for these painful feelings. When I dream of him these last few months I always see him with his back to me or in a big crowd of others and I am outside of it looking in. I wish I could just take the hint. I imagin myself seeing him in that situation, the one I see in my dreams, that he is busy with others; chatting and laughing. I see myself taking a last look at his beautiful face before turning away and looking out at a vast expanse. There is a whole world for me to explore and go get lost in. I think about seeking him out to say goodbye, but how do you say goodbye to someone who doesnt even say hello? So I just turn and go. the world is very big, and very beautiful. I see myself looking out at vast mountain scapes and far away horizons of smoky cliffs. With my hands deep in my jacket pockets and a traveling bag over my shoulder I glace back one last time to see his back to me in a crowd, I'm sure he won't notice I'm gone for a long time... When he does it will probably be a relief as I'm sure seeing my desire for him only makes him uncomfortable because it is no what he also wants. Of course I wish that he would notice, of course I wish that he would stop me, I wish many things, which is exactly why I need to get away and stay away... I see myself walking away, still every now and then looking back to see them all get smaller and smaller, until I cannot see any of them any more. I keep walking, until all I know is that they are all "back there" somewhere, and eventually losing track of exactly how to get back there anyway. I see myself at the base of a series of highly stacked moutains, looking up the towering colossia dissapearing into curles if dense vapours, and ancient lush growth that fleeces the jagged rocks. The gravel is cold beneath my shoes and my walking stick is strong and stable. I watch myself disapear into the high rocks and meandering roads that cut up into the network of spider thread pathways that lead to the isolation I seek. I will find a new life. I will reclaim my heart eventually. One day I will even forget his name. One day I will be as indifferent to his exsistance as he is to mine. One day I will be free again and regain my self respect... One day I will be able to acknowledge how much this pain has taught me, amd I shall see how this suffering has hepped me to grow. But before I have the strenth for any of this, these terrible burns across my heart must heal and be left untouched for a long time so that the senstive wound can cool off and become the new shell of protection I so desperatly need. maybe one day I will even come back down out of the isolated mountains - a different creature coming out than the one who went in. Or maybe I never will come out again, amd I will just keep climbing. Upon reaching the summit I shall lay hold onto the very clouds themselves and climb still higher and disappear from this place completly. Reaching the dark void of space I will find the solace I need. Swimming through the black depths I will climb up into the molten heart of the Sun, carrying this unrequited love in my heart, so I can give back this curse to God, that it and I can be destroyed in that bright furance at last. The power of Sun can swallow this nuclear reactor in my chest and it can burn its last.

#crush #what it feels like #do not envy those in love #tumblr confession

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justintimbershit · 7 years

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1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?XO - John Mayer Cabaret - Justin Timberlake Lights On - Shawn Mendes Bad Habit - The KooksHow Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran You’re Gonna Llive Forever in Me - John Mayer

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?literally John Mayer so I can ask him why the FUCK he played XO in Chicago and why that was only the 10th time ever and first and only time of TSFE tour he played it

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“Mom’s stumped us. We had absolutely no idea who she’d dredge” (I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson)

4: What do you think about most?how terrible life is and then how much i wanna die tbh

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Jena should i get dropped off at your house then we can go get joe & julie?” IOWA TOMORROW FOR ED :DDDD

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?always w shirt but no pants lol

7: What’s your strangest talent?hating life as much as i do idk i have no talent

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)girls r hot n nice boys r hot n mean

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah bc we were in love lol :(

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? idk i usually dont

11: Do you have any strange phobias?feet, being alone but also being in large crowds, idk theyre not very weird

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?no?

13: What’s your religion?idk man none atm prob

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?looking forward to going inside. but working and therefore reading.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind bc i am ugly lol

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?um probably panic at the disco but then also the killers

17: What was the last lie you told?“its fine” bc no it is not fine i wanna fight

18: Do you believe in karma?ya i think so. maybe

19: What does your URL mean?i like Justin Timberlake and also swearing

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?weakness is probably just who i am as a person and strength is idk i dont have any

21: Who is your celebrity crush?lmao. you say this like i have one. i have many. like thousands.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?nope

23: How do you vent your anger?talk to someone usually

24: Do you have a collection of anything?movie/concert/sporting event tickets and also empty gatorade bottles on my floor

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?phone bc im ugly

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?eh. better than what i was but could be better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?hate is my sisters voice lol love is john mayers voice bc he sounds like a fuckin angel

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?what if i was someone else but not really someone else just like what if i was me with a better life or a differnt life in which things didnt always go so terribly for me ya know

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts maybe but aliens def

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right arm some paper hanging off my nightstand and left nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?the faint scent of clean laundry and lotion

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?hm.. great question. i feel like ive been to some pretty bad places but i cant recall any???

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?ive never been to either but east coast i think

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?justin timberlake bc hes one of the most attractive men in the entire world

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?bein happy, doin what you want, livin

36: Define Art.something someone creates

37: Do you believe in luck?yes i do

38: What’s the weather like right now?humid i think

39: What time is it?9:41 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nope to both

41: What was the last book you read?i recently finished “The Upside of Unrequited” and now im workin on “More Than This”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?no i hate it it makes me nauseous

43: Do you have any nicknames?jules

44: What was the last film you saw?o fuck um fist fight maybe?

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?the sunburn i got in florida was terrible bc i couldnt walk for a day so im gonnna say that

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?no :(

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?brandon saad being a chicago blackhawk again, tommy la stella, john mayer, reading gay books

48: What’s your sexual orientation?bi

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?uuuuum possibly ??? idk

50: Do you believe in magic?nah but also maybe

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?in my mind yes but most of the times my actions dont reflect that especially if its been a while

52: What is your astrological sign?sagittarius

53: Do you save money or spend it?both. i allow myself to spend it as long as i still have a decent amount saved

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?lunch at panera lol

55: Love or lust?neither bc they both suck when ur alone

56: In a relationship?no lol

57: How many relationships have you had?zero

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nope i am not talented like that

59: Where were you yesterday?yesterday. i think i stayed home all day then me mary and joe hung out and went to get milkshakes at steak n shake

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?the inside of the bra bra sitting waiting to be put away lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?indeed

62: What’s your favourite animal?sloths my fav

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?i dont have one bc if i did ppl would like me, tf

64: Where is your best friend?at home id assume

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.whats tumblr

66: What is your heritage?im italian but i was born here and so were my parents

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?watching an episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia before i showered

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?satan satan

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?yeah lmao who hasnt tho

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?i think so sometimes but other times im the worst person ever idk how i have friends

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?fuck u boss i love dogs and if u hate dogs that much as to not understand the situation i dont wanna work for a dog hater. asshole.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a. maybe probably b. everything ive never done but wanted to c. probably

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.fuck. um. shit. id say love but then u cant trust the person you love so like… but at the same time i love love so much i feel like id die w/o it n ya know i dont trust anyone anyways so im gonna say love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?srsly…..Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC bc i cant be sad listening to that song lolol

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?9077

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?communication n openness

77: How can I win your heart?just be nice to me lol i have low standards

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?yes i do believe so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?buying tickets to see john mayer lol that changed my life so drastically. my life is now pre john mayer and post john mayer. he literally fucking sang xo i will never get over it that will always be the happiest moment of my life im crying while typing this

80: What size shoes do you wear?8 - 9 ½ depending on the shoe

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?‘probably died because she said she wanted to die so often that death got sick of hearing it and killed her.“

82: What is your favourite word?fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.justin timberlake. god im so fucked lol

84: What is a saying you say a lot?'i hate my life’ 'i want to die’ 'u should fight’

85: What’s the last song you listened to?Fools Gold by One Direction lmao

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?turquoise

87: What is your current desktop picture?justin timberlake leaning on a car lookin all hot n shit

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?myself tbh

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?uuuum idk it depends whos askin ya know. id answer certain questions if asked by one peson but not another

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?probably cry and attempt but ultimately fail to go back to sleep

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?flying or teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?when john mayer played XO at my concert obviously

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?losing all the pictures on my computer bc i keep saying im over it but im really not that was the entire past 4 years of my life in pictures and videos and theyre just gone its bullshit

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?oh man. so many. but if i had to choose one justin timberlake. wow bet no one saw that comin

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?literally fuckin no where im seeing ed sheeran in a matter of hours im not leaving. but if it were a different day lol id say amsterdam or boston

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?not that im aware of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?when i was a smol child yea h but not recently

98: Ever been on a plane?when i was a child yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?um lol idk probably nothing tbh i dont wanna be held responsible for whatever happens afterwards

#questions

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lostlastsforever756 · 7 years

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Sooo I got tagged by @gaycoyotes , and im sorry for all the long posts i’m posting today. Chatty cathy mode is activated.

Rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose however many people you want to tag!

LAST…

[1] drink: water [2] phone call: to my grampy [3] text message: to myself lol [4] song you listened to: run the world by Beyonce [5] time you cried: .....this is a good question....

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: yeah [7] been cheated on: don’t think so [8] kissed someone and regretted it: nah [9] lost someone special: of course [10] been depressed: i think so [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] green [13] yellow [14] orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: yee [16] fallen out of love: idk [17] laughed until you cried: of course [18] found out someone was talking about you: umm, no? [19] met someone who changed you: errrmmm, i guess. most of my friends change me [20] found out who your true friends are: ye [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: in the last year? no

GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: ah shoot...maybe like 8. [23] do you have any pets: sort of, the dog is technically my mom’s, but i love her [24] do you want to change your name: oh hell yeah, I can barely pronounce it sometimes. [25] what did you do for your last birthday: well, i went into town and hung out with my family the weekend before, but then on the actual day I went into chorus and organized some music things and they sang to me in class, and then my friend got me a little cake and i shared my big cake with my friends after dinner <3 [26] what time did you wake up: 6:30 ish today [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeeeeepppiinnnnggg [28] name something you cannot wait for: getting my ass on this plane on friday, im so stressed [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: january [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I could be a better student [31] what are you listening to right now: my roommate’s loud ass fridge [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: ugh yes [33] something that is getting on your nerves: I’m very cold and hungry right now [35] elementary: I dont understand this question, so i’m just gonna say no? [36] high school: nope nope nope [37] college: graduating in a year (yikes) [38] hair colour: dark brownish red (currently) [39] long or short hair: umm, its medium [40] do you have a crush on someone: sadly, yes. [41] what do you like about yourself?: uuuummmm...idk I’m nice? most of the time [42] piercings: nope [43] blood type: I don’t know, should probably find that out [44] nickname: Syd...I don’t really have nicknames. Half the teachers in the psych department call me syd now tho, thanks Dr. Bergen. [45] relationship status: single pringle forever and for always [46] zodiac sign: aquarius (please tell me you all have heard the song aquarius, i sing it all the time whenever i get asked this question) [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: currently, I’m gonna say the X Files [49] tattoos: I have one. its the viking rune for dawn or awakening, it was in one of my favorite books and I only recently figured out what the symbol was [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST…

[51] surgery: none (thank god) [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: Savannah Vaughan.... :( [55] vacation: probably to Vermont [56] pair of trainers: gurl i don’t know, I didnt buy my clothes when I was a baby

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: water (kinda) [59] I’m about to: yell at my friend Kayla and make her go to dinner with me [60] listening to: that loud ass fridge still goin at it [61] waiting for: someone to text me to go to dinner [62] want: to not have my current crush [63] get married: no. honestly, fuck that, and being in relationships. [64] career: My current career is lifeguard, lol, my current career track is some kind of mental health professional

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: erm, hugs I guess [66] lips or eyes: eyes [67] shorter or taller: doesn’t matter to me [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: i love me a nice tummy [71] sensitive or loud: well this is subjective, it all really depends on my mood [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? hell no [75] drank hard liquor? ummm, what constitutes hard liquor? I’ve drank straight up vodka before, but not a lot of it. [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? nope, that shit is expensive, and im responsible [77] turned someone down: oh ya, batting them off with a fly swatter since preschool...are you kidding me? im so thirsty, but like no one asks me out ever cuz im invisible lol [78] sex on first date? not for me [79] broken someone’s heart? i don’t fucking know, doubt it [80] had your own heart broken? who hasnt? [81] been arrested? not yet [82] cried when someone died? yeah, so many people [83] fallen for a friend? yeah of course

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? ummm ask me again in a few hours lol [85] miracles?: i guess [86] love at first sight? nah [87] santa claus? oh hell yeah [88] kiss on the first date? sure [89] angels?: nah

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: i have too many best friends Kate [91] eye colour: green [92] favourite movie: shit, I don’t know, Matilda, maybe

okey, I tag @sapphic-princess-xena @cosmic-files-87 @juliet-got-your-back @edierone @basmathgirl @cookie-moi and anyone else that wants to do it, tag me! (I almost accidentally tagged Gillian Anderson, lol, that would have been embarrassing)

#personal #replies #late night asks #gaycoyotes

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closethegoddamndoorswat · 7 years

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Rules: Once you’ve been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself, and at the end, chose 25 people to tag i was tagged by @goldun-days LAST: 1.) drink: agua 2.) phone call: my mama llama 3.) text messages: actual text messages was me explaining to my “friend” that when nobody responds on the groupchat it’s because we DONT want to converse or have her blab on.. except in a polite way? 4.) song you listened to: currently Migraine by TOP, but before it was Growing Up by Macklemore ft. Ed Sheeran 5.) time you cried: yesterday i got teary eyed because self-titled top HAVE YOU EVER 6.) dated someone twice: uhh yeah more than twice tho more like six times 7.) been cheated on: emotionally? yes. physically? no 8.) kissed someone and regretted it: havent really had my first kiss yet so nope 9.) lost someone special: not really 10.) been depressed: uhhh yeah fam 11.) gotten drunk and thrown up: nope, i havent done any drinking yet LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12.) Mint greeny blue 13.) black 14.) used to be maroon but thats the color of a school that wait-listed me so i’ll say purple! IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 15.) made new friends: HELL FUCK YES 16.) fallen out of love: ive never loved anyone, not romantically 17.) laughed until you cried: yeah, family stories and old family pictures.. also ezra and ry convos 18.) found out someone was talking about you: who hasnt tbh 19.) met someone who changed you: SHANNON YOU COMPLICATE MY FEELINGS SO MUCH BUT YOU HAVE DEFINITELY CHANGED ME 20.) found out who your true friends are: OH HELL FUCKING YES I HAD ALL SUMMER OF THAT 21.) kissed someone on your Facebook list: ew who uses Facebook? Also, never kissed 22.) how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: again, no Facebook 23.) do you have any pets: MHM JOSIE NAMED AFTER THE SONG JOSAPHINE BY DISPATCH SHES A BRINDLE MUTT FROM A SHELTER WE LOVER HER V V MUCH 24.) do you want to change your name: hnnnnng kinda but more for the fact that i dont associate with my birth name at all and less because of gender identity 25.) what did you do for your last birthday: the usual: go to my grandparents’ house and eat a melting cake and watch my grandfather and uncles shoot off fireworks while we try not to burn ourselves with sparklers. 26.) what time did you wake up: around 8:30 but then i went back to bed for three hours 27.) what were you doing at midnight last night: Kiking with Ezra i think 28.) name something you cannot wait for: my band to actually write some gotdamn music 29.) when was the last time you saw your mother: three hours ago 30.) what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: That i wasnt such a dickhead about practicing music 31.) what are you listening to right now: Part II by Paramore 32.) have you ever talked to a person named tom: there was a helper guy who was a college student named Tom at our rock band camp.. he played ukulele :) 33.) something that gets on your nerves: my own acne 34.) most visited website: probably either tumblr or ao3 35.) elementary: Fuckt™ ((public school, home school, charter school my mom started while home schooling me.. yeah.) 36.) high school: Stop Reminding Me I Know I Have No Plan Because Everywhere Rejected Me Stfu 37.) college: hopefully nowhere, id rather be touring 38.) hair color: Reddish-orange-brown because i have brown hair dyed with henna 39.) long or short hair: short!! 40.) do you have a crush on someone: more like multiple people i would date and/o make out with but feel no need to stress over making anything official or pining for aged 41.) what do you like about yourself: surprisingly, a lot.. i like my lips tho! They arent TOO small or too big theyre a lil plump and small like all of my features 42.) piercings: just standard ear piercings but i wanna pierce more shit 43.) blood type: fuck i think it’s O negative idk?? 44.) relationship status: single and lonely,,, hmu babes 45.) nicknames: my mom calls me Pessa (short for however u spell princess in italian), my brother calls me Chlub, and my friends that call me Toni use the nickname Tono 46.) zodiac sign: cancer 47.) pronouns: they/them or she/her 48.) fav tv show: House M.D. ((Patrick stump had a cameo ;) )) 49.) tattoos: non but i wanna get lots of lil important black symbols and shit 50.) right or left handed: right i am the majority FIRST: 51.) surgery: nope, not yet 52.) piercing: ears 53.) best friend: Elizabeth or Katy, i forget which came first 54.) sport: soccer i think, like p much everyone 55.) vacation: my dad’s aunt has a house on Martha’s vineyard that we used to rent and i think we’re trying to rent it again this year and it’ll be so great to go back!! 56.) pair of trainers: i have no fucking clue i dont remember 57.) eating: nothing 58.) drinking: water sorta 59.) about to see: nothing 60.) listening to: A Love Like War by ATL ft. Vic Fuentes 61.) waiting for: perpetually waiting for acceptance letters from schools ayy 62.) want: piercings and tattoos and a partner 63.) get married: idfk yet man 64.) career: HANDS FUCK DOWN A MUSICIAN ILL SELL MY SOULD TO PETE WENTZ ILL SUCK A DICK I JUST WANT TO BE ON WARPED TOUR AND BEBIN A BAND PLEASE WHICH IS BETTER 65.) hugs or kisses: both?? I dont have much experience in the latter tho 66.) lips or eyes: couldnt care less 67.) shorter or taller: taller because i think it’s impossible for anyone to be shorter than me 68.) younger or older: imma say older because maturity level needs o be above average like mine 69.) romantic or spontaneous: whichever suits the person better! 70.) nice arms or nice stomach: idfc as long as one holds me and i can tickle the other one 71.) sensitive or loud: LOUD BITCH 72.) hook up or relationship: atm, honestly, maybe just hook up because idk if i can deal with an emotional relationship? 73.) troublemaker or hesitant: neither HAVE YOU EVER 74.) kissed a stranger: nope 75.) drank hard liquor: nope 76.) lost glasses/contact lenses: dont need them so nope 77.) turned someone down: yep 78.) sex on first date: nope to both 79.) broken someone’s heart: nope 80.) had your own heart broken: not really, i did get real pissed at him tho 81.) been arrested: nope 82.) cried when someone died: nope 83.) fallen for a friend: uhhh maybe 84.) yourself?: Good™ 85.) miracles?: meh 86.) love at first sight?: should walk by again 87.) santa claus?: as much as brendon urie not being a fuckboi.. no 88.) kiss on the first date?: yeah if both parties are down 89.) angels?: DONT GET EXISTENTIAL ON ME BINCH 90.) current best friends name(s): Ezra the Mega Ultimate Squish and Ryan, AKA CatAssJones 91.) eye color: Boring Brown 92.) favorite movie: Deadpool and/or The Blues Brothers.. Anyone can do this, just say i tagged you in it!! P.S. ...We're on a mission from Gahd.

#oml this was fun??#tagged in!

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tea-and-toblerones · 7 years

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I hijacked this.

1: Name:: Deanna 2: Age:: 24 3: 3 Fears:: spiders, being told I love you when they really don't, utter failure 4: 3 things I love:: Video games, music and art 5: 4 turns on:: Dorkiness, awkwardness, kindness and a sense of humor 6: 4 turns off:: flip floppy behavior, narcissism, arrogance, and thinking yo ass is better than everyone else. 7: My best friend:: @bestiejessie 8: Sexual orientation:: Hetro, but with an appreciation for the female form 9: My best first date:: pff, I'll let you know when that happens, yeah? I've never really been taken out 10: How tall am I:: 5′7" 11: What do I miss:: being as carefree as I was 12: What time were I born:: Monday, August 24, 1992 at 9:18 PM 13: Favourite color:: Red. Blood red. 14: Do I have a crush:: My heart only poops it's pants for celebs and fictional characters at the mo'. It's easier that way. 15: Favourite quote:: “I may be an asshole, but I'm not a 100% Dick" Peter "Star Lord" Quill 16: Favourite place:: By the water. On the water. Floating in the water. I love water. 17: Favourite food:: PIZZA IS LIFEEEEE 18: Do I use sarcasm:: Nah mate, not at all. 19: What am I listening to right now:: The Final Fantasy VII Soundtrack 20: First thing I notice in new person:: eyes, scent, timbre of voice, and their vibe 21: Shoe size:: 8 22: Eye color:: gunsteel blue 23: Hair color:: medium brown. For now. 24: Favourite style of clothing:: Grunge queen in the fall/winter Cute and lacy in the spring/summer 25: Ever done a prank call?:: not that I'm aware. I have terrible anxiety 27: Meaning behind my URL:: I just love tea and toblerones mate. 28: Favourite movie:: Howl's Moving Castle 29: Favourite song:: Yellow by Coldplay 30: Favourite band:: Imagine Dragons 31: How I feel right now:: Chill/excited 32: Someone I love:: EVERYONE. Cept for one single person. 33: My current relationship status:: Emotionally attached to a fictional character cos I'm trash. That answers that, eh? 34: My relationship with my parents:: Me and my mam are tight. My dad...nah mate, not so much. 35: Favourite holiday:: HALLOWEEN BITCHES! 36: Tattoos and piercing I have:: My gauges. 37: Tattoos and piercing I want:: Sylleblossoms and a sword from FFX, Calcifer from Howl's Moving Caste, a sea scape, trees, a dragon... 38: The reason I joined Tumblr:: I needed an Ed outlet before my friends murdered me. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?:: He cut his face open to be more like Ed so I would take him back. I don't hate anyone, but that boy is pretty damn close to it. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?:: My brother texts me WAKE UP from time to time. Do those count? 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?:: Texted, yeah. Messaged, nah, just licked their face. 42: When did I last hold hands?:: romantically? Last year. In general? Last night. 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?:: pff what is this morning you speak of? 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?:: Sure have. 45: Where am I right now?:: In the FFXV/Ed trash heap where I belong. 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?:: Jessie if they're not already passed out. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? :: loud 48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? :: unfortunately 49: Am I excited for anything?:: THIS WEEKEND 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?:: yes 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?:: 25% of the time? Ish 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?:: earlier today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?:: I be surprised he grew a spine and kissed a girl other than me, but that's about it. Probably cheer him on. Get him a drink. I'm such a bro 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?:: nah mate, I hardly trust anyone 55: What is something I disliked about today?:: almost falling outta a chair cos I fell asleep 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?:: Ed Sheeran 57: What do I think about most?:: that I'm trapped in a stagnate place and I'll never get free from it. 58: What’s my strangest talent?:: I can remember exactly how people/ feel. Like their skin and whatnot, like I'm physically touching them, but im not. And their scent and their voice. And their eyes. Is that a talent? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?:: the snuggle bear creeps me the fuck out. 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?:: behind 61: What was the last lie I told?:: that I was gonna go to bed early. Does it count if it's to yourself? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?:: video chatting cos I have a fear that people can't understand what I'm saying due to the fact I used to have an impediment with a lisp so at least they can read my lips. 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? :: sure do. Seen em. Felt em. Have one thats attached to me. He's cool. Chases away the bad stuff. And yeah this universe is way to big for us to be the only ones 64: Do I believe in magic?:: yep 65: Do I believe in luck?:: very much so 66: What’s the weather like right now?:: kinda coldish? But not terrible (I'm horrible at judging how cold it is. I never wear a jacket) 67: What was the last book I’ve read?:: King Killer Chronicles 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?:: I'm weird so of course I do 69: Do I have any nicknames?:: Nanna (which I always go by) 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?:: um, well one of my insides got very angry with me and hurt and I couldn't move and was fevered and puking and made my back hurt. I was too stubborn to go get checked out so I dunno what happened but it got better on its own. 71: Do I spend money or save it?:: both. Usually save though 72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?:: I've got quite the long tongue, I can actually stick it up my nose if I tried. (Drunk me has) 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?:: Not that I can see 74: Favourite animal?:: Foxes, Ravens, and raccoons 75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?:: Partying with my ladies getting ready to bar hop with the band 76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?:: Morningstar. He owns a nightclub called Lux in LA. 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?:: Thrift Shop 78: How can you win my heart?:: by being an adorable awkward dorky nerd like me 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?:: something utterly ridiculous probably 80: What is my favorite word? :: probably a swear. 81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr @weareedsobfg (imma cheat too) @ferskendag, @tenerife-lucy @lordedsheeran, uh....I'm sure there's more I'm forgetting 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? :: pterodactyl noises and arm flaps cos social anxiety 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?:: it would be quicker to list the ones that weren't. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?:: the power of imagination (whatever I can imagine happens) 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?:: How do you feel 86: What is my current desktop picture?:: A picture of graveyard I took in New Orleans 87: Had sex?:: yeah 88: Bought condoms?:: yeah 89: Gotten pregnant?:: no 90: Failed a class?:: math. All the math 91: Kissed a boy?:: yeah 92: Kissed a girl?:: yeah 93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?:: I have in the snow 94: Had job?:: yeah had job 95: Left the house without my wallet?:: almost everytime 96: Bullied someone on the internet?:: Nah mate 97: Had sex in public?:: Sure have 98: Played on a sports team?:: INDOOR PERCUSSION BITCHES 99: Smoked weed?:: Not smoked it, but had some pretty delicious banana nut pot bread. 100: Did drugs?:: besides the pot bread, nah mate 101: Smoked cigarettes?:: No 102: Drank alcohol?:: Oh yeah 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?:: Once upon a time 104: Been overweight?:: very much so 105: Been underweight?:: when I was born 106: Been to a wedding?:: I've been to so many 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?:: ALL DAY, ERRYDAY 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?:: I'm a binge watching mofo 109: Been outside my home country?:: no but I wanna 110: Gotten my heart broken?:: yeah 111: Been to a professional sports game?:: Yes and I don't even like sports. 112: Broken a bone?:: surprisingly no 113: Cut myself?:: all the time on accident 114: Been to prom?:: no, I was the weird loner outsider kid. You know the one. 115: Been in airplane?:: Sure have 116: Fly by helicopter? :: no but I've been in one 117: What concerts have I been too?:: Alice Cooper and Watch Them Rot 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?:: Kinda ish. 119: Learned another language?:: I used to know a lil Spanish but now, not so much 120: Wore make up?:: every time I leave the house even though I don't need it anymore cos I got my eczema under control (the miracle of aloe yall) 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?:: Nope 20 122: Had oral sex?:: I have 123: Dyed my hair?:: so much. 124: Voted in a presidential election?:: No 125: Rode in an ambulance?:: Nope 126: Had a surgery?:: Nope 127: Met someone famous?:: uh, mickey, minnie, goofy and pluto? 128: Stalked someone on a social network?:: who hasnt? 129: Peed outside?:: so many times 130: Been fishing?:: yep 131: Helped with charity?:: yep 132: Been rejected by a crush?:: *laughs to infinity* CAN'T BE IF YOU NEVER TELL EM (yes, yes I have. Indirectly) 133: Broken a mirror?:: So many I'm cursed forever 134: What do I want for birthday?:: the same thing I wanted last year. A hot ginger. (And video games. Always video games) 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?:: 2 boys. And maybe like William or James or something weird cos I love weird names 136: Was I named after anyone? :: Deanna Troi from Star Trek: the Next Generation. 137: Do I like my handwriting?:: yeah it's pretty okay 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?:: MY PINK POWER RANGER ACTION FIGURE 139: Favourite Tv Show?:: Supernatural, Sherlock, Doctor Who, American Horror Story, Arrow, Flash, Legends of Tomorrow...don't make me pick one. 140: Where do I want to live when older?:: with someone I care about. 141: Play any musical instrument?:: piano, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone, bells, drums, guitar (not well, I have ZERO rhythm) 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?:: playing with my dog 143: Favourite pizza toping?:: If I had to pick one, pepperoni but mushroom olive and pineapple please 144: Am I afraid of the dark?:: nah, that's where all the stars are 145: Am I afraid of heights?:: nah 146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:: no, I was a mild child 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?:: Oh you mean my life? 148: What I’m really bad at:: everything 149: What my greatest achievments are:: well I stopped someone from killing themselves. I also tend to make people laugh and feel better. 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me:: I only said I loved you so you would stay (though literally already knew it but worst fear right there) 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery:: get outta debt. Get my friends outta debt. 152: What do I like about myself:: people say I'm sunshine. I like that. 153: My closest Tumblr friend:: @ferskendag and @tenerife-lucy 154: Something I fantasise about:: being happy with someone I care about, being financially stable while doing my dream job and traveling the world. 155: Any question you’d like? Do you know the muffin man?

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strawberryspeachy · 5 years

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I can read through the convo I’ve had with that boy for the past month in the same amount of time it takes me to read through a day in the summer

He actually asked me questions and kept the conversation going and joked with me so reading through any given day can take upwards of 10 minutes. And most of those days we had half of the conversation via Snapchat that I can longer see

It takes about 7 minutes to read what is me just me talking and him either not responding or giving one word replies or reluctantly a few sentences after I’ve nagged at him about it :(

Yea yea. Take the hint. From November to now (March) exact same day too... he’s never wanted to talk to me

There’s literally been two instances that he talked to me normally and I melted for the rest of the day. Not long either. Just him texting me first to just tell me something. So short that I’d even wondered those times if he accidentally texted me instead of someone else.

I’ve asked every question except for “do you actually want to talk to me” because as he said yesterday. The answers no. I knew it was no. That’s why I’ve stressed over everything else. Because I knew this whole time he hasnt wanted to talk to me. And I’ve asked every question

Why are you ignoring me

Why are you talking to that girl

Why don’t you treat me like you treat them

Why didn’t you look at my picture

Did you like my picture

Do you still think I’m pretty

Am I annoying you

Who are you texting

What are you doing

Any question around the focus. Do you WANT to talk to me.

No.

He doesn’t care about me at all.

I hate that he has options.

It sucks. Because if he didn’t have options. I know he’d like me. He did before. He got bored and there’s always someone else willing to be there for him so he can drop any of those feelings and leave

Me though. I don’t have options. No one I ever legitimately like reciprocates those feelings.

Years go by intbetween the times someone I truely want to be with comes along and shows interest.

If I had options and he wanted me I’d choose him and that’s what sucks. Because he won’t choose me and I don’t have other options.

It’s not like I haven’t been open to guys advances. But no one ever does. I’ve become interested in boys I didn’t find physically attractive but who were nice to me and acted interested. And then they were even meaner to me.

I’m fucked up. I’m miserable. I’m a shitty person when I’m upset. But I always meet these guys when I’m feeling ok. I don’t show that side. I do everything right.

There’s a legitimate attraction. We talk about our lives and interest. We joke and laugh together. We show interest in each other. I don’t flake on people even when I really want to but everyone I’ve ever met had cancelled on me at the last second. And with these dudes that do that (with the exception of the college dude) I’ve always been a normal understanding person who goes - that’s ok! You do what you gotta do we can reschedule if you want!

I don’t understand. I genuinely don’t understand. I’m not trying to make myself look good by any account when I say I literally have no clue what’s goes wrong every time.

NO ONE. WILL. TELL. ME.

It’s been happening my whole life and I started getting mad about it come college. I started demanding to know. Ive started acting like the crazy person when it happens. And. It doesn’t lead to answers

To be fair I started off just nicefully asking. All that got me was ‘what are you talking about? I didn’t stop talking to you! We’re talking right now’

When when I started pointing out that we are because I tracked them down I get ‘I’m sorry! I’ve been really busy!! I didn’t even realize’

Pointing out what it is they’ve been doing that show they no longer want to talk lead to people reacting the same way as if I went insane on them. I literally haven’t recieved a different response to me politely and thoughtfully going

‘hey. Idk if you’ve meant to do this. But it feels like you don’t want to talk to me anymore. You’re responses have been shorter and we don’t talk much anymore. You don’t seem to find my jokes funny anymore even thought they’re the same as before. And you haven’t reached out in a while - it’s just been me. Maybe you’re busy with (insert whatever thing I knew they were up to a month ago) and I’m sorry if I’m bothering you if that’s the case. But I was just wondering if I did something wrong’

That would lead to the same ‘OMG YOU EXPECT SO MUCH FROM ME!! I HAVE MY OWN LIFE AND DONT HAVE TIME TO PUT UP WITH YOUR BS!! I HAVENT BEEN IGNORING YOU IVE BEEN TIRED AND BUSY.’ —- followed by being personally attacked with whatever it is that person feels (whether it be projecting. Bringing up something small from months before they stopped talking to me. Or whatever nerve I touched during my message or speech)

I’ve literally gotten the same response from doing that as I’ve gotten to say.... going to their house and confronting them at an inconvienient time.

Both generally followed by ‘you always play the victim’ or ‘ you do stuff like this so that’s why’

These same speaches come from people I’ve known as little at a week to people I’ve know for 10 years.

It sounds as thought I’m hiding something. I just act like this psycho person all the time probably right. It’s not like I can prove that’s not the truth..... it sucks.

I hold so much hate still toward my freshman year roommate because she reacted to me this way and I know for a fact I never did anything wrong to that girl. I consciously every second of the day made sure to be nice and considerate and positive. And when she left and told the world that I was the devil. The only things she said that actually happened were

1) I raised my voice. I did whine loudly that one time at the like 3rd time her and her bf tried to have sex in the bunk bed above me I let out a loud whine and in the same pitch said “please stop I’m trying to sleep”

2) I had a dusty fan. You’re right. I should have cleaned it. It only blew on me but that’s my b. It didn’t occur to me that it was a problem but I would have cleaned it if she ever told me it bothered her

3) one night I got irritated and yelled at my printer and hit it. Yes. I did that. It was quite late but she was over on her computer and all the lights were one. I got stressed out that my printer stopped working and in a louder tone went something to the effect of “what the fuck you stupid thing!!” My friends earrring had dissapeared inside of it a few days prior. We looked for it but the printer ate and hid it somehow. I hit the printer in frustration. And then it began to work and in a happy voice I went “oh cool that worked” according to her that incident made my fucking psycho.

4) not in her list of complaints to everyone as to why I was the absolute worst were. One time I walked in and didn’t see her sleeping. So I turned on the light as I talked to my friend. I felt really bad when she sat up very disoriented and apologized and turned the light back off and left. Another time I walked in while her and her bf were in the middle of fucking and backed back out of the room.

One time when I was going to a party my friend said I should have my roommate do my makeup - while she was sitting there. I was already getting vibes the girl didn’t like me and so I didn’t try to talk to her unless she talked to me - keep it polite... I... didn’t actually admit to myself that she didn’t like me but I did try to give her as much space as you can in a dorm. She’d go to the library all day to be away from me so when she’d come back to go to sleep I’d go to the common room till I was ready to sleep. Stuff like that. But my friend saying that right in front of her I went with it and excitedly went - you’re right she does do great makeup and asked her if she’d like to do my makeup for me. She said ok. And when the day came I texted her and asked her if she still was ok with doing my makeup. She said she was busy studying and went that’s ok! I didn’t tell my friend that I thought she didn’t like me or anything. I just stayed surface level and said she’s busy studying! That’s ok! I don’t think my face is a good canvas for her preferred makeup.

I have literally never tried harder in my life to be good to someone. And that girl fucking despised me. She didn’t just dislike me but she wanted EVERYONE to hate me. And she went out of her way to make that happen.

And that’s what’s devastating about it. Not that she was a great person. She wasn��t. She said things that disturbed me all the fucking time and I would be positive and compliment her on something that’s going well for her or that’s she’s doing good now. I successfully for the first time since elementary school stayed positive with someone who tried so hard to make me say something mean. And instead of anything good was punished for it.

And she did what she sought out to do. My friends stayed on my side and told me how they didn’t understand why she disliked me so much. But I could always see them wondering - it’s it true? She’s actually insane to be with too long isn’t she? So many things for the next few months that they didn’t just tell me she was doing. They waited to see if I brought it up myself. Like I told my one friend days later that I asked someone on my floor if they knew why she had moved out. If she said anything specific about what I’d done. And he told me he didn’t even know she left. That’s when my friend spoke up and said - no she tagged him on fb and said thanks for helping her move out. No one told me toll the next year that she had added the boy I liked on fb. Not till once again I said I was talking to him and it was good at first but then he suddenly pulled away and idk why. Then suddenly - oh yeah! She added him on fb btw - they’re friends.

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