#track: i do not panic
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that look was a choice. i'm wondering if there were other options.
#buddie#911 abc#evan buckley#eddie diaz#i'm a shipper and i'm a lurker#this is probably the only post i'm going to make about them#eddie x buck#buck x eddie#911 spoilers#911 abc spoilers#eddie diaz my beloved#album: stark#track: you could have mine#album: guzman#track: i do not panic#this is dumb but i had a thought#album: wee woo show
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ive made myself more wet and pathetic
#new icon because im SUFFERING. im in HELL#its so bad. i had to sign out of discord so now im both lonely and stressed#because i KNOW im still gonna get dstracted. i just did making this URGH#how good are brains at working around things. i once set a 7AM alarm on my phone with snooze cause i was so sure my brain would#be too lazy and keep snoozing instead of actually turning it off. but nay it either kept sleeping through the alarms and snoozing#or actually managed to turn off the alarm half awake that i barely remembered it and then waking up late#i actually have a track record of climbing out of bed and turning my alarm off without remembering. which is impressive bc i have a loftbed#the other thing is setting fake deadlines so make myself panic into doing things ahead of time. but unfortunately that doesnt work either#because if theres one thing my brain will put all its energy into remembering its self assurance. meaning i WILL be able to remember#the real deadline even if i try to trick myself. cant ask someone to give me a fake deadline either#the only things keeping me going rn is that i have deadlines due at least 1 day between each other and excitement being able to talk with#crow after break. but you can see how well thats going <- ignores long term rewards in favor of short term pleasure#BTW CROW IF YOURE READING THIS IM SO SORRY TURNING OFF MY DISCORD WITH BARELY ANY EXPLANATION#im a huge fucking dumbass and i had barely enough impulse control not to block everyone in my dms because i realized that would send a real#really bad msg. youre not distracting me im distracting myself and i promise youre not annoying me i just really like talking to you and#thats why im just barely stopping myself from signing in. I WANT TO TALK TO U LOTS BUT AT THE SAME TIME IM KICKING MYSELF FOR DOING IT#you can be a little mad at me btw cause i definitely could have done that better but i was all over the place abt how to do it without#making u think im ignoring you. IF THAT MAKES SENSE. SORRY#yapping#doodles#puppysona#edit but last week i tried to schedule and give myself work periods and break periods using my class schedule#and reminders on my phone to tell me when to start and stop. can you guess what happened
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in this world where so many members of our species, with supposed moral agency, are killing small things for nothing but the crime of existing, and so many are blind to the value of any species which does not benefit them in a way they can personally measure... do you ever feel so so panicked and suffocated?
#i had to walk onto the tracks at the NYC Times Square station to retrieve an injured pigeon who was trapped down there#no idle police officers or MTA personnel cared at all when I explained that an injured animal was trapped on the tracks#the MTA staff told me to ask the cops to help#the cops told me to ask MTA staff for help#the cops said “if it were a person that would be different”#i looked like a crazy person bc i was having a panic attack and trying to ask people for help at the same time#my partner called animal control and they said there was nothing they could do#the Wild Bird Fund does not have the resources to retrieve animals but said that if i could catch the pigeon i was welcome to bring them in#and you know what#i did#if someone is in a life-and-death situation and you are in a position to help them then YOU SHOULD#what kind of fucking person would i be if i saw this pigeon#whom i am perfectly physically able to rescue from their situation#and i said wow that's too bad that they're going to die down there#if only it weren't illegal/dangerous to go onto the tracks#a cell phone is valued 1000% more than a non-human's life#it's fucked up guys (:#anyway i learned first hand that literally no one in NYC will stop you from doing anything at all#as long as you aren't brandishing a weapon or some other murderous action literally no one cares what you're doing and will not stop you#so be punk and take action#fuck speciesism#animal rights#animal welfare#humans are animals#also sorry but people stomping on bugs who are literally OUTSIDE and doing seriously nothing but existing#why would you do that#please get help#talk to a therapist
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actually deeply apprehensive about opening up my strange magic fic documents |:
#a butterfly obsesses#maybe I should rewatch the movie as a restart#as someone who's done most of their creative work during manic episodes I need to learn how to do it when I'm on an even keel#see this is why so many bipolar people go off their meds#it feels like the inspiration and creativity has been taken away#don't worry I'm not even considering it. the withdrawal symptoms alone are enough to stop that idea dead in its tracks#plus the ups are not worth the panic attacks and constant feeling I'm being hunted for sport
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32. Walk
Anxiety, flinching, panic attack, anticipated violence, implied past captivity, implied past abuse, law enforcement mention, accusations of crimes [larceny], referenced stitches, minor self deprecation
AU Masterpost / Previous / Next
The Wolf’s steps faltered as he followed Dan out of the diner. His skin crawled at the idea of leaving Harrison behind, but he knew in his gut that it was just the paranoid, terror-blinded part of his brain.
(It had to be, right?)
But the real reason he stopped after a few paces was to look at the snow falling from the gray sky. It crunched under his borrowed boots as he turned, the clouds so perfectly smooth. He involuntarily flinched as Dan’s footsteps return, shaking snow from his thick black hair with a sheepish grin on his lips.
(It almost didn’t feel like a mask. He might have actually been smiling.)
“Haven’t seen snow in a while.” The Wolf started walking again, eyes glued to the gathering slush on the ground.
“You and me both.” Dan huffed, winded by the Wolf’s pace. He slowed and shortened his steps, the way he had for Harrison in the bunker. There wasn’t anything to run from now, no immediate threat on their heels. “Been a cold spring. Too cold and dry - this melt’ll be good for the pastures.”
The Wolf hummed in agreement, hands deep in his wool coat’s pockets. The borrowed clothes from Dan were appreciated, mostly on account of not smelling like blood and sweat and cigarette smoke. Harrison had needed to borrow from Thomas - not that those clothes fit his emaciated frame much better.
“Tommy’s a good kid. He didn’t mean anything by it.” The Wolf glanced over at Dan, blinking away a snowflake caught on his eyelashes. “Been taking care of his sister this last year after their parents passed. He’s, ah, a bit of an idealist, you know?”
The Wolf nodded absentmindedly, glancing at the shop windows they passed on this quaint main street. A cobbler and tailor on one side. A baker and general store on the other. A hairdresser, a post office. So painfully alien and yet so painfully normal.
“Boy was meant to get a law degree out East. Half the reason Cliff hired him was to give the kid a leg up. He was taking their deaths pretty hard.”
“And his sister?” The Wolf felt a chip of curiosity between his teeth, mingled with the sour knowledge that he wasn’t tasked with interrogation. Not here, not anymore, and yet it still drove his question. The more he knew about his allies the better, right?
(It wasn’t selfish, it wasn’t a desperation for leverage to use against them, was it?)
“Toughing it out. She was at the Trautmire’s learning how to take apart a gear assembly when the house went.”
“Fire?”
“Gas explosion. We think anyway - we’re not exactly the FBI out here and there wasn’t much left.” Dan turned toward a gravel road offshoot at the end of the main street, the winding path leading toward the smell of motor oil. “Cliff tried to get the State Troopers to come down but…guess little old Cedar Hills ain’t that interesting.”
A stout, stocky woman who hardly came to the height of the Wolf’s chest was working on a vehicle in the garage. Despite her stature, she appraised him with harsh, untrusting eyes.
“This one of your strays, Dan?”
“Word gettin’ round that fast?”
“I’ve got a humvee soaked in blood in my garage. You think Terry can keep his mouth shut on his rounds?” The woman huffed, wiping her hands off on a rag and tucking it in the top of her coveralls as she hopped down from where she had been elbow deep in a jeep. Tucking back her coppery curls under a headband, she extended a hand, still smudged with the black residue of old grease, to the Wolf.
“Alice.”
The Wolf froze before he could flinch away, hesitating as he felt his stomach drop to his feet. Frustration simmered in his blood - she was a civilian. Why was he scared of a simple handshake?
(He knew why, but that didn’t make the shame burn any less.)
“Wolf’s arm is fucked. Best he doesn’t pull any stitches.” Dan recovered for him smoothly, waving a hand dismissively that caused Alice to drop her own in response.
“Fair enough.” She nodded toward the humvee, starting towards it as she walked. “Forget something in the truck I assume?”
“Actually they’re looking to get out of town.”
Alice glanced from Dan to the Wolf.
“That so?”
“Yes. The sooner the better.”
“What’s the rush?”
“They’re just anxious to get home is all. The truck run?” Dan cut in, once again covering the flash of panic in the Wolf’s eyes when he was faced with such direct confrontation.
(Why did he ever think he could keep up this facade when he was this weak? How was he going to stop the project from hurting people when he was afraid of handshakes and hard eyes?)
“In theory, sure. Filled up the tank and everything.”
“In theory?”
“Forgot to give me the keys, Dan.” Alice laughed shaking her head. “You got ‘em Wolf?”
“No.” He didn’t like the way her face pinched in suspicion at his blunt answer. “Harrison got it started when I was…” He trailed off, glancing down at his arm.
“Why didn’t you bring the guy with the keys, Danny? Christ almighty are you sure you don’t need to go down to the VA for dementia testing?”
“There isn’t a key, Alice.” Dan grit out the words, tension gathering in his shoulders as he shifted and cross his arms. “Can you get it running without ‘em?” Confusion morphed to understanding, and then anger colored her face.
“You had me tow a stolen truck and keep it in my garage?” Alice was incredulous, a bubble of rage rising in her throat as she glared up at Dan. “Since when do you stoop to helping - of course you’d be the one taking in a couple of thieves you bleedin’ heart. Where’s Thomas? Is Cliff back yet or - “
“Alice, please.” Dan’s voice was soft, eyes desperate. The Wolf could barely see him through the tears gathering in his own eyes. Panic had his heart racing against his aching ribs.
“Don’t ‘Alice please’ me old man. You don’t know what else he’s done…”
Her angry snarls were drowned out by the sound of blood rushing in the Wolf’s ears. Dan didn’t know what else he had done. Would he find out? What would he do if he did?
(He knew what Smith would have done.)
What if she called in more police? (The phone lines were down - she couldn’t.) What if she refused to give them the truck back? (The Wolf was frightened by the knowledge that it would be easy compared to stealing it in the first place.) What if -
“Dammit, Wolf - hey, Wolf, son, you need to breathe.” The Wolf looked up, eyes wide as he saw hands coming toward him.
It was sheer instinct.
His legs buckled, knees hitting the concrete floor with a familiar crack. His left arm shielded his face as best it could, compensating for his injured right arm. He tried to make himself small, to protect his still tender torso from further abuse.
(A kick to his already aching ribs would surely make him scream.)
His ears were ringing, implants whining to hear who would come up behind him (he should have at least backed up to a wall first, idiot). But no footsteps came. He could hear the dull thrum of his heart as the panic subsided, arm slowly guided away from his face by gentle hands.
Dan’s hands. Dan was good. Dan was safe.
“You’re alright son, I wasn’t going to - you’re fine.”
The Wolf forced himself to swallow the coppery panic in his throat, thin, shallow breaths sucked between his teeth. He could feel heat creeping up his cheeks, frustration and embarrassment in equal measure as he wrenched away his hand to wipe away the unbidden tears.
“You back with us, son?”
He nodded, wincing as he stumbled back to his feet, stepping back to put distance between himself and them. He needed space - he needed his back against a solid wall - he needed to get out out out -
(Pull it together Wolf. You’re a professional.)
Something about that thought eased the weight in his chest, breaths coming easier and leaving smoother. He glanced up, both offended by and relieve to see pity in Alice’s eyes as she spoke.
“I’ll get it running. One way or another.”
AU Masterpost / Previous / Next
(An AU of my Freelancers series)
Taglist: @i-eat-worlds @whumpy-daydreams
#whump#anxiety#flinching#panic attacks#anticipated violence#implied past captivity#implied past abuse#law enforcement mention#accusations#stitches#self deprecation#freelancers au#ah yes wolf’s wonderful track record of telling himself ‘I am so incredibly Fine I can do this’ while his brain says ‘lol. lmao even.’#sorry if this seems lore dumpy everything I post here should be treated as a first draft#and as such I allow myself to just get the words out of my brain and worry about pacing/placement later#…and you’ll be learning a bit more about the good old ‘sheriff’ soon enough ;)
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I must know why Blaine hates bmo this is crucial information. please
well see i just thought it would be funny if like
if like. like. all of finn and jakes other lives start with B and S (beth and shermy? shoko and. bchubby tiger? butterfly and something. idk. blai--)
#bmo just frantically goes around blasting everyone he can reach with Regression Simulator every single time finn and jake die#he couldnt reach wizard city so he stood outside it screaming until people wandered out#you dont even wanna know how long this comic actually is.#larrys past lives were like. random sheep farmer. Useless.#blaine has no use for past life memories and is just mad at bmo for bringing them to their mind.#theyre. like. twelve. cmon. what are they supposed to do with this knowledge.#ok im done. silly au. finn and jake were totally in wizard city (hbo special) see :D#asks#mispelled#the 'blaine is a reincarnation' thing is silly au but i really do vibe with bmo tracking down his friends in a panic every single time#SOMEONE else has to remember them right. they cant be gone fr fr right. cmon. ok im done#au
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problem: do not feel like actually writing and can't organize thoughts but I am thinking about my WIP
solution: try to pick a song lyric title for it despite the work barely even existing
new problem: too many good lyrics found that I can't narrow down until the WIP is. well. not a WIP anymore
#Lila speaks#DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM#like man I love panic! bonus tracks and I know I need to pick something from there to fit my theme but I AM CRASHING AND BURNING#time to blast Turn Off The Lights again ig
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lads i think i may quite literally be drowning
#multiple panic attacks today over the amount of work i need to complete over the next 10 days to not like. drop fail everything.#i can feel my heart at like. all times at this point.#i need to write planning documents for like 6 different events this week#and then also write commentary describing why these plans are effective#and then also create all the handouts that are supposed to go with these plans#on top of creating an overarching plan for another class (in the group that refuses to respond or contribute anything)#on top of creating a presentation for the same class (same group)#and all of it is still due. within 10 days.#i legitimately don't know what to do other than weep continuously and just work without stopping.#my stomach hurts because i had to scarf down my food in time to keep working#i still need to complete one of those planning documents tonight to stay on track but i need to sleep in an hour if i want to be functional#i'm drowning in the most dire way possible
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. anyway after writing the tags 4 this post i told my research partner i will no longer follow his dreams lmao. still helping w it but i need to engage in research that i find satisfying
#i think ive been waiting for something for a while and i will spend the next year waiting for it too#i thought i felt panic but i have decided to read it as anticipation. the thrill of rejection or of moving forward or the latter as#a result of the former. i left you with your backpack unattended in the cafe because on fridays i am done#putting my life on hold for another whim-without-a-warning#this cross country service is delayed by 26 minutes so i will grab a bucket and start shovelling the water away from the tracks#everyone is moving on in some different way and im sorry if you think im mean for telling you getting so drunk will disable you from#recording your brainwaves effectively but it seems like you think i owe you an awful lot. one year ago in four days my friend got me hegel's#science of logic for my birthday and i thanked him for proving to me the existence of things this is what i do he said#and then he will spend the rest of his life breathing philosophy and i dont want to spend the rest of my life#breathing someone elses dreams i wait for the moment of realisation. this is now a 30 minute delay. i was supposed to worship beautiful#things and that is what i will do. i think i have a best friend and i know i have a lover and i know to#restrict my love the way you have. im sorry. i hope you understand when i tell you. i am now sitting on the floor in the luggage section of#this incredibly busy train and i saw a photo of her with her boyfriend and her hair in braids smiling like a fool this is the#except a week ago you told me you almost took too much this time to live. you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and you know you#have already changed the world and it somehow was not enough. now you are smiling without any makeup on next to him#and yesterday you cried in an airport in the states when you were too full of love. this is the most extraordinary human being i have met.#tomorrow he heads off to princeton while his best friend heads to harvard. he goes there to make the world a better place. he is the most#extraordinary person i have ever met. the issue with human beings is that we are incredibly good at almost dying and keeping going.#you try to kill yourself and publish a paper and give a talk. you negotiate the seperation between your own parents and submit another#phd application. i am surrounded by extraordinary people with extraordinary minds and incredibly broken happy hearts.#i only see you smile when you talk about robotics. i still dont know how manifolds work and i love the concept anyway. i dont know.#i do know that i refuse to live unsatisfied.#you can keep drinking. im going to drink this reality up#i think i was a horrible person and i refuse to engage with that mentality again no matter what it takes.
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Five days until my flight
#I think it's finally sunk in#considering I've been treating this like a two week holiday for the last month#so now the panic mode has finally set in...#...OMG I'M LEAVING MY HOME COUNTRY BEHIND#WTF WAS I THINKING MOVING MY ENTIRE LIFE#IDK THE FIRST THING ABOUT AMERICA CULTURE THAT ISNT A MEME#HOW DO YOU KEEP TRACK OF TIPPING CULTURE???#WHY WONT THE SHOP JUST ADD THE SALES TAX TO THE PRICE???#WHY CAN YOU TURN RIGHT AT A RED LIGHT???#WHAT DO YOU MEAN MOST HOUSEHOLDS CANT RUN AN ELECTRIC KETTLE???#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT HAVE TRAINS???
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I really wish there was some way to just like. temporarily turn off anxiety without any other side effects. I mean obviously anyone wants that but I am just so tired of being anxious pretty much always. The only time I’m not anxious is if I am being super distracted by something fun and not at all productive.
I would love to be able to have like. Just an hour. Of zero anxiety and zero other effects. To get a bunch of stuff done.
#One thing I really really really really really want to do#Is track down as many random accounts I’ve made online#by looking at the list gmail has of accounts associated with the email#and accounts with passwords saved on firefox and apple#It would in the long run give me great peace of mind to have deleted as many of those as possible#but i LITERALLY cannot start this task#without having a panic attack#my heart is pounding just making this post and i’m sweating hard#and I just really fucking wish I could have no anxiety and also be clear headed#to get this shit done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ograt
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fascinating bit of characterization in this book in having Julian be REALLY good at hiding his panic
#star trek: ds9#vengeance#julian bashir#theyre in zero-G again and Miles is thinking about how Julian looks completely calm#specifically he's thinking about how Julian looks as calm here as he did earlier when they were in zero-G on the wrecked ship#which. a bunch of the sequence on the wrecked ship was from Julian's POV#and he was fully having a panic attack in zero-G he HATED it and nearly passed out hyperventilating#but nobody noticed how freaked out he was#and it feels mean to pin that on them and I dont think thats the author's intention here#I think we're supposed to read this as Julian being very very good at masking his panic and anxiety#which would track imo#just thinking about how calm and collected Julian is in other crisis situations on the show#I genuinely think that he just hides his anxiety well enough that nobody can tell he's freaking out internally#I do the same thing so this is perhaps. a bit of projection#but sh it makes sense for him
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so alonso causes a crash and still gets points sure sure sure that’s fair
#australian gp 2024#f1#formula 1#George Russell#I can’t properly see what happened from the footage but people say he break tested him which ?????? the fuck#how the fuck that isn’t an immediate dsq when it resulted in a fuckin crash I-#im fuming rn I won’t lie I saw the video and the pure panic but ofc fia will do this they didn’t even give a red flag leaving#George literally terrified in the middle of the track hearing everyone coming my god#joey rambles
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rando vent in the tags bc god. The Horrors.
#I love being mentally unwell and having panic attacks during a time I need to be strongest#vent#I need to be strong for my meemaw whos suffering with cancer and can't afford to get stressed and yet#random cunts getting angry at my DNI happened a few days ago which is not fun considering they've been the only things in my inbox for a wh#*while. I hate proshitters all they do is send death threats and call you a hypocrite because you dare like horror#and yell at you because you view media critically and henseforth are a bad person#I think the v*vzie bad post reblogs summoned them#Id say if true I hate the HH fandom but HH fans have literally said I irl was dick sucking height so. Not a good track record lmao
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found my old ipod... tell me why I forgot about the absolute BANGER that is Back To Earth (feat. Fall Out Boy)
#damien.txt#THE BRIGHTEST THINGS FADE THE FASTEST!!#brb putting this on my current playlists omg#why do we collectively as foblr never talk abt this song omg#anyways scrolling thru this ipod is WILLLDDDD#i had it from like. 2014-2019. long ass time. was using ipods wayyy longer than anyone else lmao#there are some. real interesting selections on here dkdgwjhdk#nothing that's weird just a lot of things that are like omg.... i forgot abt that...#it has all of the old brobecks albums like happiest nuclear winter & understanding the brobecks which like#tbh i dont even really know how to access now! i definitely dont still have the files from when#i originally put them on this ipod. but wow. banger songs#also have all of the original waterparks albums/eps lmao crazy#it also has all of my ripped from youtube panic 'singles' lmaooo like mercenary & c'mon & the live version of karma police#absolutely went hard to that cover of karma police and honestly?? still do#this is such a time capsule lol it has all of 21p's discography too which like. lol. sometimes i forget i was like that#has a lot of ripped from youtube english covers of vocaloid songs too lmaooooo real of past me#looking at this... pretty sure all the panic albums on here are t0rrented too lmaooo real of me. before i even knew#why i think this is bc under vices & virtues it has oh glory & stall me & turn off the lights just. in the track listing#this is so fun wow i love. music is so good you guys#I HAVE THE LIVE VERSION OF BANG BANG BY GREENDAY WHERE THEY SAY#'No Trump No KKK No Facist USA' THATS SO FUCKING REAL OF ME SKGDKSHDJDB#and of green day. ofc.#this is so much of a trip down memory lane#bruises and bitemarks by good with grenades..... omg.........#anyways ill stop listing things in the tags but. omg. this is so fun.#bout to go put so many of these songs i forgot abt back into my playlists djhdkshdjd
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i think the issue with having an extremely inconsistent sleep schedule is not that your overall daily schedule will be out of wack (i am quite fine with changing schedules) but rather that all hours of the day are Schrodinger's Bedtime. like, going to bed just feels like An Option at all times and this leads to a lot of laying in bed almost dozing but not really sleeping
#eliot posts#i BRIEFLY got my sleep schedule back on track but then i got sick had to sleep all day to recover and now it is Bad again#and then before that it was STABLE for a while but...#i was going to sleep at sunrise every day#which was Bad#bc by the time i woke up it would be almost sundown#so time completely stopped feeling real#fuck the winter darkness i am moving to the fucking equator as god intended#we must ALL come to brazil (or ecuador or kenya or whatever)#but seriously tho like why is my default circadian rhythm to FALL ASLEEP AT SUNRISE#it has always been like this and it happens in all seasons#(isn't too bad in the summer tho bc there's more hours of sun and also student schedule lets me Live Like That)#i am constantly battling my body to adhere to a somewhat normal sleep schedule#bc alas being a member of society means i have to be awake and doing stuff at certain times#scheduling meals and activities a certain way and avoiding blue light does NOT fix shit#keeping a regular schedule can help sometimes but is‚ again‚ an uphill battle against my body#i should honestly try getting one of those seasonal depression sunlamps and staring into it at like 10 pm every night#trick my brain into thinking it is sunrise (and therefore time to sleep)#(also i tried melatonin supplements once and it made me feel like my bones were trying to slither out of my skin#and i had a panic attack and didn't sleep that night. so i am too terrified to try THAT again)
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