"How many genders are there" legitimately I think there are as many genders as there are people on earth, you can be a boy but is your version of boy 100% identical to any other boy?

thank you very much for replying and dw about not having an exact answer to my question! do you think other readers may say incorrect facts about the members or idols in general since tarot isnt true to how they really come across as being? like if an idol is a fuckboi itd be kind of hard to prove without knowing them personally thats why im always 50/50 on not always believing the image they put out to their fans. i mean ateez do sound like great ideal partners for many people but i would have to really know them to make any judgements on them thats why i dont get how tarot readers do this but its so cool either way.

if one or more reader say the same thing am i to assume it is correct fact about them or their character / traits or habits?

what do you then think if anyone tried to manifest them as their partner? so many folk wanted jungkook to be theirs is it slim to none chance realistically?

🍷...

i obviously can not speak on behalf of any other reader for how they conduct a reading but in my opinion yes i do believe some words could be heavily twisted to fit a narrative.

there is a discord server for readers off of tumblr and one reader asked for everyone's input on some controversy. when all the other readers were against it they got upset and left. they have posted their own thoughts and almost present it as if it were fact. and it is rather defamatory if i do say so myself.

and because cards can be very ambiguous readers can definitely read things differently from another reader. and that does not mean one reader is invalid. they could both be simultaneously correct and incorrect until something can be proven or disproven. it is a bit of a schrödinger's cat situation.

the readers that can add a lot of detail are not necessarily lying either. some readers can look at a singular card and write paragraphs of interpretation due to the meanings it may hold and the imagery it may have. but sometimes it really is just coming from bias and hence i tend to keep my distance.

if multiple readers say the same thing/s it is not unreasonable to assume something is correct or "factual". but you should still be very careful and always always always take it with a grain of salt. especially if it can be very damaging to their reputation. if it is true it will come out on its own.

as for manifesting an idol to be one's partner it depends. if they are manifesting the idol themselves i become a little cautious. but if it is more so manifesting person like the idol i do not mind as much.

for example "seonghwa as your boyfriend" and "boyfriend like seonghwa". manifesting seonghwa and manifesting someone that acts like him are different.

but people have their reasons and i am not one to judge those reasons.

i do think chances are very slim and pretty much impossible. and hear me out. i do believe in manifestation. i have done it for years and i did it this week.

but - i believe it can only do so much even if you "have no limits" and "can build your reality" because ultimately there is fate. and if something is truly meant to be then it will happen on its own regardless if one manifests or not.

it is also objectively impossible for thousands of people manifesting to all be the soulmate and future spouse of one individual being. not even because of the huge number of people on its own but because bigamy is illegal in korea - even two people would mean no one can be the spouse of xyz.

and these idols are people with their own lives and experiences and they can make their own decisions. plus one person manifesting for a two person connection - where one person is completely likely unaware of the other - may simply not be enough.

that is just me though.

i have been thinking. i tell (text) my best friend, "if i ever do have kids, i think i might rather adopt. i dont want them to suffer from all this chronic illness shit, because i know what thats like."

he answers. "me too" after a second, he follows with: "anger issues are hereditary. my mom, grandma, and me have it; i wouldnt want my kids to have that, because as you said, i know what thats like."

my throat betrays me. i only sit in silence, while he keeps talking about it. i know mental illness is just as bad as physical illness, and even invisibilized, but i cant help but feel... invalidated.

i mean i do not want my kids to inherit all of these health risks, of which ive acquired a copious amount. i mean i do not want my kids to stare at the ceiling at night wondering, "why me? why am i not like the other kids?" i dont want them to be buried in the heavy dirt of endless pain, pain that they'll have to clench their teeth through because thats what society has told them to do. pain that'll never end, because of pointless diagnosis — that burden them more than help them — screaming to them how they will not get out of this, at 9 years old.

i do not want my kids, if i ever have them, to lay awake at night crying, because theyre a "waste of money", because theyre not getting better and theyre not "even trying to", when a familiar incredibly shames them for accepting one candy on a party, at 10 years old.

i dont want them to be put on one hundred pills that specifically KIDS SHOULD NOT BE TAKING, and being gaslighted on side effect statistics; saying it wont affect you. then it does. then they secretly stop taking them, and when their mom finds out, they get a experience they'll never forget. at 11 years old.

i dont want them to face "grown-up talks" about their future, their health, their responsibility on themselves, the way they could even be bounded to rot in a bed if they dont make a change now... at 12. expecting a kid to mature, at twelve. then being yelled at when they start to sob, or try to say how they feel about it.

i do NOT want for them to feel familiar or comfortability on the white silence of a clinic or hospital, i dont want them to feel nostalgic because of that, because they should feel nostalgic because of a mcdonalds playground, not a place where people die, at 13.

the pain, the wheels, wheels of a machine that only exists to perhaps make you suffer more, the endless comparisons with people who have it worse. injections, blackouts, bullying. starting to comprehend all that at 14. knowing its wrong, that a child shouldnt have been exposed to it from a young age, but they cant tell anyone nor say, because they would be hit, hit with a whip of censoring; silencing. by their own parents.

among an ocean of so many things more, i find myself now. 15? when did all that go?

i lost my childhood due to physical illness.

my friend makes a joke, pulling me out of my trance. "we're like ying and yang, dude." he instantly follows with "you deal with physical illness, and i deal with mental illness."

that feels like a sharp stab in the side of my gut.

that makes me realize, isnt this what he has gone through, too? just in his own version. but he has suffered oh so similar things, and he has trusted me to know about it. something he barely does with people.

i laugh. maybe not because i got cheered up, but because i want to hide my internal process going on.

i realized why it felt invalidating.

people can never relate to the honest words of my soul. they always have to change them to their experience, to be able to try and understand. even if — by the book — thats a good way to make people feel less lonely, it makes me feel more lonely.

will i ever meet someone who will understand the deep cries of my insides? someone who will not have to twist its words, anyone with the same perceptive of what ive gone through? not understanding, but comprehending me.

no, i probably wouldnt. because that includes the tiring and vulnerating protocol of opening someones chest with your bare hands, tearing everything on the way, but being careful with each layer; placing them on a desk, to finally hold the darkness of their soul. no one is willing to do that.

im fundamentally different. i have never met someone like me.

even so, i dont blame my friend. we are just teens trying to survive the world.

maybe hes the closest i'll ever get to someone like me.

31 de marzo de 2023

— neurogenesisgirl

I posted 628 times in 2022

That's 324 more posts than 2021!

4 posts created (1%)

624 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@woodwool

@pocasu

@daftpatience

@batsinthewalls

@aprofessionalwithoutstandards

I tagged 39 of my posts in 2022

#twst - 2 posts

#real - 2 posts

#twisted wonderland - 2 posts

#holy shit this is so cool  ?? ? - 1 post

#u got it right so congratz - 1 post

#aries moon - 1 post

#i think - 1 post

#homestuck - 1 post

#dont look at me - 1 post

#i have more to say but this is tumblr tags not a thinkpiece - 1 post

Longest Tag: 101 characters

#being a gay stereotype when im actually gay is fun when a homophobe isnt in my ear calling me invalid

My Top Posts in 2022:

#4

i think i might be insane

for almost 6 months ive been lurking the floyd leech tags daily . what is wrong with my brain chemicals ToT

0 notes - Posted June 9, 2022

#3

idk if anyone cares but i changed my url from aberration to iomando

0 notes - Posted January 18, 2022

#2

Savanaclaw’s eyes

7 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

deuce puts on ace's makeup for him and that's it really

ok go read my fanfic (its my first one ever giggles.. at least posting it online that is besides joke ones)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/42729186

23 notes - Posted October 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

Hey, can we Not say Little Hope’s end was bad?

TLDR: The Dark Pictures Anthology isnt a supernatural horror series; it’s a psychological horror wearing the clothes of supernatural stories. Treating it as such only leaves us feeling dissatisfied. Just because Little Hope wasn’t the story we wanted, doesnt make the twist “shitty” or “overused”. Its NOT a scapegoat. It’s the intended story. There’s a reason Until Dawn isn’t part of this series.

Hey can i say something though,,, the ending doesnt invalidate the journey at all. It’s just a different kind of journey.

The mind can do some absolutely insanr things, especially with an added bit of head trauma.

The events of little hope was the story we wanted. Until t wasn’t. But for some of us, its the story we needed.

Anthony lost everything. He was suffering. He was delusioned, even before the accident. We can tell by the fact the wreck even happened. He was hallucinating. He couldn’t cope with the loss of his family, especially when everyone blamed HIM- including himself.

HE started the fire. HE left it unattended. HE didn’t help Megan. HE couldn’t save anyone. He spent decades blaming himself for events either out of his control, or a small mistake. HE DOESNT KNOW that the fire was caused by Megan’s doll, not until after he’s released. Even then, he still blames himself.

So when he returns to little hope, albeit briefly, his mind Physically Cannot handle the memories. They overflow into what he believes is reality. He hallucinates.

THIS IS A SYMPTOM OF PTSD!!!

Then he gets a concussion. His mind is SCRAMBLED. The trauma, the mental illness, and the crash was too much. He physically cannot handle being in Little Hope again.

So his mind creates a story. A fracture. (AN ACTUAL MEDICAL THING)

A story that allows him to, for just a little while, escape. He’s just a student, pursuing creative writing- something that he likely wanted to pursue until his livelihood was taken from him. He’s happy, although confused, and not so painfully alone. He’s got friends, kinda. Parental figures.

But his mental illness quickly seeps through again. His trauma spills into this new life. He sees things that reminds his mind of Before, and his mind tries to desperately to explain it.

Then comes the fear. The memories. Sort of. His mind tries to explain WHY.

I think seeing Vince only made it worse. He doesnt know its him, but his mind does. It creates an explanation: he’s a weird old guy. Nothing more.

The demons, the character arcs, these are stories he wants to tell himself. These are stories he NEEDS to tell himself. His mom and dad are falling in love again, albeit in new faces. They dont HATE each other.

Most importantly, nobody hates HIM. He needs that most of all. When he bashes himself, not even purposefully, they assure him he’s ENOUGH. They even compliment him on some weird quirks of his. Sometimes they say weird things, or hate on him, but not NEARLY as much as they did Before.

This is EVIDENT in what happens.

He doesn’t want the demons. He doesnt want his family to die again. This is LITERALLY chance for him to come to terms with what happened and save them. He LITERALLY envisions himself CHANGING THE PAST. The NUMBER ONE THING that therapists tell people with trauma they can’t do. That’s not coincidence.

The journey was meaningful. To us. To HIM. Whether they die, they live; whether he is saved, or is arrested, or in jail.

THE FOUND FAMILY IS THE GOAL!!!

Sure, they aren’t real. Sure, they’re dead. But with the good ending, he feels accepted. They literally help him accept that IT ISNT HIS FAULT. Nothing that happened is his fault. Its implied to be Little Hope’s story, but He knows it’s about the fire. We know. And with the bad ending, he’s overcome with the guilt and trauma. He kills himself, BECAUSE he couldn’t accept he couldn’t change the past. BECAUSE he is overwhelmed with the fact he can’t save them.

In the ending where they die, and Mary saves him, because he saved her, its both. He doesn’t blame her, he’s learned. He doesn’t blame himself, because he’s learned. But he’s still suffering. There’s nothing he can do to change what happened. They’re still dead. But he’s the only one who knows that its not HER fault. He saved HER. He did everything he could: he understands. Sure, he’s suffering, but he is trying. He isn’t succumbing anymore. HE HAS A REASON.

Sort of. She’s the lingering effect of the fracture, the piece. It’s similar to an Alter, with DID, only they aren’t another personality. They don’t take control of your body. They’re just another voice in your head. But they serve a purpose. For him, it’s reminding him he has a reason to live.

Megan’s ghost doesn’t save him. We all know that, she isn’t real. It’s a Piece. His mind is saving him. Because at the end of the day, he’s ill. He’s not magically Better.

The story isn’t invalidated by the fact most the cast isnt real; the fact the demons weren’t real, just because the story being told wasn’t the story we wanted. It has consequences and impact, and we see it on Anthony.

Also??? As someone with trauma??? I can see so much of my symptoms cranked up to 100 with this? And this story was SO important to me?

Can we PLEASE stop saying Little Hope’s twist was shitty just because it’s not the story we wanted?? As we can tell, the dark pictures anthology ISNT a series about monsters and ghosts, like Until Dawn. Its not about secret monstrocities hurting people.

The Dark Pictures Anthology isnt a supernatural horror series; it’s a psychological horror wearing the clothes of supernatural stories. Treating it as such only leaves us feeling dissatisfied. Just because Little Hope wasn’t the story we wanted, doesnt make the twist “shitty” or “overused”. Its NOT a scapegoat. It’s the intended story. There’s a reason Until Dawn isn’t part of this series.

This rant is talking about why the arguments of toxic kiribaku shippers that they try to use to invalidate any Kirishima or Bakugou ship. I honestly don't care if you disagree with this, this isn’t any hate against KiriBaku or their nice shippers. KiriBaku is a ship that i enjoy and it is completely valid.  I just want to show people who are toxic shippers why other ships are valid such as BakuKami, TodoBaku, BakuDeku, KiriKami, KiriMina etc. I will be disproving all of the arguments that they use. Warnings for talk of abuse, suicide, manga spoilers and movie spoilers.

“Bakugou hates everyone except Kirishima.”

It has been mentioned plenty of times that Bakugou and Shouto are friends. It is canon that they are friends, Bakugou may try to deny it but he would deny being friends with  anyone (this includes kirishima) Bakugou is also friends with Kaminari, this is shown in the Provisional Hero Lincense Exam Arc, Heroes Rising, The Manga, and The School Festival Arc. The friendship between Shouto and Katsuki can be seen during the School Festival Arc, Redemical Course Arc, and other episodes and chapters in the Manga. 

 “Bakugou would be abusive to everyone except Kirishima.”

I hope you understand that you cat pick and choose who an abuser would be abusive to? An abuser is an abuser, there aren’t any exceptions. This excuse is trying to make everyone else look bad just so your ship can look ‘superior’. No ship is abusive unless you write it like that, it is all based on how you portray the ship.

“Horikoshi said they slept together!”

I would like to see the evidence of this, from what I am aware it was a rumour spread around via false information.

“Horikoshi said he would make it canon!” 

No, you took something he said, twisted it, then spread it around.

“You can tell by the way he looks at Bakugou!”

Eijirou looks the same at all his friends, he considers Bakugou his best-friend. Of course he is happy when he is around Bakugou. But he is also happy when he is around people like Midoriya, Kaminari and Sero. 

"I can't fathom why someone at someone and be like they belong with bakugo or kirishima" 

Because people ship different things?? That's like me saying I can't fathom why people would ship bakugo with a girl bc I hc as gay

"They build each other up, perfectly"

 The perfect part is debatable, Kirishima lets Bakugo be a dick to him a lot and other shit but thats neither here nor there. They do build each other up but other characters also build both of them up, they're also canonically best friends so it'd be weird if they didn't imo. 

"They make each other better healthier people" 

See my points above. ^

"How do you see that and go nah they dont have chemistry" 

No ones saying they don't have chemistry, they're saying they dont think its romantic or see the romantic chemistry.

"Bakugo helps Kirishima see the value in himself" 

He does! But so do other characters, Deku, Mina, and Kaminari all help build Kirishima up notably, at least once, in the series. That's ignoring other characters too but whatever.

"Kirishima helps Bakugo see the value in others" 

Again, he does! But as I stated before other characters also do so. Either by showing they're as capable as him (Uraraka, Deku, Todoroki) or by being friends with him (Kirishima and Kaminari most notably)

In conclusion, KiriBaku is a very valid ship. But so are others, just be respectful of others ships. Bakugou and Eijirou have other friends, they have different interactions. 

Thank you to my dear friend Roman who helped me put together this rant💕 This isnt a ship hate rant, no ship hate please. { @barely-contained-panic }

i wanna give my two cents on the whole nsfw content!!

i dont mind it really i actively indulge in it myself so i can really get on it too much especially since it something that you just cant stop no matter like if its on the internet there’s gonna be p*rn of it 😭😭

my only issue is like when some people kind of get upset with you when you say you shouldn’t make nfsw content bout minors characters like i never thought i’d ever be in situations where im virtually getting my ass beat for saying “hey isnt it kind of weird to write bout fucking that 15 y/o” and they always respond with “well its fiction!” “its not real” “well i aged them up” and like okay that’s still a 15 y/o at the end of the day so what now baby 😭😭

its especially upsetting with jjk cause like gege has mentioned that he doesn’t want any sexual related content bout his main trio but click on the jjk x reader tag on here and the first thing you see is probably gonna be smut about his main trio idk its really wild to me and ik i cant force everyone to stop but its still makes me feel icky yknow

but yeah thats all i wanted to say sorry if this was kind of vent-y i just been thinking about this recently and i had a lot to say 😭😭

- L anon

I think it depends on how you see it.

For example, for me, I know there is no way to deny that smut is widespread here. And for me, I do not mind if something is written for minors if they are written in an aged-up scenario because to me, JJK and any cinematic universe (regardless of country), is just a fictional reality of a sort. Where whatever is done in that world stays in that realm of 'reality'. Also - some mangas and animes have time skip eras too - so characters can be written in that sense as well.

Before you say "oh but fiction affects reality" - that is not a fully valid argument in a sense. Many fully legal and normal people can tell the difference between what is reality and what is fiction. It is also why people who write 'dark content' will always encourage underage readers to not interact or read their works because they are worried that people who cannot differentiate people between 'real life' and 'fictional life' will start to develop their own twisted version of what is acceptable in society and what isn't.

Hence why JJK is for readers who are 16 and above - because this is around the age where you learn where the lines of 'fiction' and 'reality' starts and ends. And the people who usually can't differentiate that already have a set of issues going on with themselves, so this is where the phrase 'the consumer controls what they consume' come into play - because at the end of the day, you, as the consumer, is the one in charge of what you consume and how you choose to understand the content in your own way. Of course, there are a few who slip through the cracks, but that small majority should not be the reason as to why you ostracize an entire community who writes/produces content that is 'questionable' in terms of your own individual morals/what we are used to consuming in media. It's an art form that some people chose to use to express themselves, and it isn't harming anyone.

But this also comes down to the reader - for example, I am 19 years old. I am a legal adult in many countries, and I should not be pining over a 15-year-old child because hello; that is illegal lol. So while I know in the canon material, which I think JJK is sent in 2018 (which is an entire argument on its own), I should not be like lowkey simping for these people. But in my head, I keep thinking they are of my age? Like when I read JJK I forget that the main trio and the second years are high school students? Because the content doesn't necessarily follow the entire high school education and such? It's a trope that is used in the storyline, but the high school itself does not play a huge role in the story besides the titles given to characters, their uniforms, and how they are referred to by other characters in a sense? You know what I mean - like the high school is just a 'home base' that the characters return to, but if you take the high school aspect out, I don't necessarily think it affects the main storyline too much.

And I know Gege-sensei means well when he says he does not want people to lewd his main trio and such, but I think at the same time he knows he can't stop it. There are obviously people who are going to respect his wishes, and there are others who had no idea (like me, like I had no idea he said that 0-0) that will not know that, and will write it because they personally want to.

Plus, not gonna lie, Japan anime/manga culture and the unofficial comic books that are essentially manga fanfiction can get quite lewd and PG18 as well - so in a sense whenever you produce a body of work, I don't think you can expect it not to be lewded. It's bad, since it makes it feel like I am invalidating the creator's wish, but coming from a very like common sense and practical point of view, there is no way you can stop everyone from doing what they want in a way. You can advise and you can tell them nicely, but there are always people who are just going to do what they want.

So might as well just respect them and their decision on how they want to express their creativity, and if it is not hurting anybody, I don't see an issue with it.

New SPN Theory: okay hear me out - incoming Fictional Theology that may mangle a few things but it's all in good fantasy and to alleviate some of my own personal discomfort at G-d being portrayed Like That.

Chuck isnt actually The God.

He's thinks he's The Almighty and fully believes it and has most of the necessary memories associated with it BECAUSE, drumroll please...

...he's actually the youngest of the pagan gods (albeit incredibly powerful) born into existence by the sheer number of radical, evangelical, frightening fervent worshippers all over the earth who believe in this wildly inaccurate, fictitious, end all be all perfectionist micro-managing judgement day apocalypse/revelations obsessed twisted TPTB version of Him.

The sheer power of their belief and worship had to go SOMEWHERE, and it wasn't to the actual Creator because They were so very far removed from this fictional version of Herself made up based on homophobic translations of the misogynist translations of the racists translations of the original text (also conveniently explaining meta-wide SPN and its TPTB and their own trouble with such content) to the point where there was hardly any similarity at all.

And so came into being Chuck - a pagan god born from the power of enough people's belief in an almost tulpa-like manner, who's frightening power is less because of the strength of his followers beliefs and more because a core tenet OF those beliefs is his ommipotence.

Because they believe he created everything, HE believes he created everything, and has even convinced his own self that he has the memories to back it up - to a degree. He's working with an incomplete deck and he knows it, repressed that part of himself that knows he's not The God and shoved it away, but some lingering instinct remains.

He spends so long not revealing himself to the angels because part of him knows there's gaps in his memories that cant be found in, or even outright contradicts, what's publically available to the believers that bolster him and what's in the available lore.

Things like, what his first words were to certain angels, discussions he might've had with then right after Lucifer's fall, etc. Personal stuff that if he spends too much time around them, might get found out he doesnt know.

It was touch and go there for a while when The Darkness came around, because truth be told he only had vague insinuations and as much info as the Winchesters could dig up that one - but luckily, it turns out The Darkness had been sealed away for so long, her perception of her original Sibling was so faded there was no way she was going to recognize any differences. Chuck's vague omniscience (as granted him by any one who believed in a god who patrolled your mind for sinful thoughts to punish you even if you dont act on them) let him keep one step ahead by skimming her surface thoughts and emotions whenever around her.

ANYWAY ALL THAT TO SAY:

We get to the end of series.

And The Actual Almighty has had enough.

They stepped away in the first place, so long ago, because in order for Free Will to matter, for ANYONE'S choices to matter, everyone's choices had to matter. Even the shitty people. Even the evil beings.

If She were to begin picking and choosing which courses of action He thought were good versus evil, or if They let some consequences or butterfly effects occur but others, isnt that just arbitrarily ignoring Free Will for one in favor of another? It's still saying "I dont think this choice should happen, so even though theyve made it, I'm removing it from the table." They would be no more than a puppet master. Of happy puppets, but puppets nonetheless.

No, regardless of morality, remaining involved would invalidate the entire point of Her creation: life must be able to make choices, good AND bad - so long as it's a choice. He must even remove himself from the presence of The Host, for as long as they are with Her they will only think of what to do that would be pleasing to Him, as opposed to what they themselves want.

And now, this Chuck fellow is making quite a stink.

Normally, Her own rules state that They shouldnt get involved, but in this case Free Will is already being removed from His creations. Something on a smaller scale happened once before, but the Winchesters through their own choices and will subverted that path.

This is on a much larger scale though, so perhaps They should get involved. Just a little bit. So She disguises Themself and finds Dean in an abandoned gas station on an empty earth, and Dean calls Him his little Miracle.

From then it's canon-divergent from mid 15x19 where the dog is basically G-d but like in the same way as the armadillo in Road to El Dorado, where She helps in clever little unnatural ways to aid the boys in their task so as to never openly reveal His hand.

Also when They go and get Cas from the empty, because of course He does, She has a wonderful little talk with him where Cas gets to be filled and surrounded by a divine presence of love and pride and delighted surprise that is telling him you were right to think for yourself, right to step away from simply trying to please Me to living for your own, right to love. You were never broken; there was never a crack in your chassis - you are the ONLY one who did what I hoped you all would. Castiel - Cas - you are my beloved son and i am so, so proud of you and it's all at once Motherly and Fatherly and also something wholly Neither, and Cas realizes that this whole time the "divine" has just been a massively scaled up macrocosm of humanity, in it's staggering entirety (or rather, the other way around since it was the Divine which begat Man), so of course They understand

Cas steps back onto this earth with new confidence in his purpose (to fight for his family and this world) and new assuredness of self (in that he is fully at ease with the massive yet now feather light awareness of his love for Dean) and neither of the brothers can figure out why he's being so formal to their dog and Cas Wont Tell Them.

He does, however, tell Jack that he spoke with his real actual Grandmother and that He is so, so very proud of him and They love him and She just knows he's going to do great things.

Halfway because They asked Cas to pass on the message, but only if he wished, and the other half because he knew Jack deserved to hear it.

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

The 8 Most Common Narc-Sadistic Conversation Control Tactics

Do you often engage in conversations with your narcissist that leave you feeling like you were talking to a brick wall or worse, maybe leave you feeling like banging your head against a brick wall? Perhaps, it has even crossed your mind that you would have been better off conversing with a brick wall because the wall would have more capacity of providing understanding, validation, and empathy than the narcissist in your life!

Real life conversations with a narcissist are exhausting, dizzying, nerve-racking, and make you feel like youre going crazy or at least drive a compassionate person to question their own reality, and even their sanity at times. The circular conversations leave you feeling worse off than if you had never had them in the first place. You begin to blame yourself, doubt your instincts and wonder what the heck is going on?

REVERSE PROJECTION

Before we realize the truth about the narcissist in our lives, we relate to them as if they are normal human beings possessing a conscience, integrity and some degree of self-awareness. We trust their words because we dont deceive and manipulate people and trust that the people who claim to love us will do the same. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we believe they truly love no one who truly loves us would purposely say or do anything to hurt our feelings and us. We are in essence projecting our good qualities on to them, and when they dont respond the way we expect a normal person would, we become confused and hurt, question our reality and believe we must be to blame in some way. The problem is that narcissists dont think, operate or play by the same rules as us, and our failing to recognize this sets us up for manipulation and misery by default.

Conversations with a narcissist, especially if you hold opinions about anything that contradict with their opinion of what is the gospel truth, are jam-packed with a barrage of covert manipulation tactics that are intrinsic to the narcissist and entrenched in their personality. They will make you wish you never disagreed with them in the first place and regret that you had ever dared to express your point of view. A simple disagreement will often incite a full-fledged attack on you. Somehow, they manage to twist the conservation, so you wind up feeling like the bad guy/girl, while they assume the role of the innocent victim of you.

CONVERSATIONS ARE NOT CONVERSATIONS; THEY ARE VERBAL COMPETITIONS

When you challenge your narcissists lies, discrepancies, and groundless accusations; suggest that they are less than perfect; try to get them to understand your point of view; confront them on their cruel behaviors; or approach them about the lack of reciprocity in the relationship, the discussion will likely decay into a crazy-making, chaotic, drama packed, mind-spinning, migraine induced headache that is intended to wear you down and punish you for suggesting or exposing a fact that doesnt support their grandiose view of themselves or maintain their need to feel superior and all mighty.

Narcissists never enter into conversations. They enter into verbal competitions. Their goal is to win at all costs. They have no interest in seeking understanding, clarification or compromise, or in reaching a meeting of the minds. Their conversations are only meant to manipulate, confuse, control, destabilize, deflect accountability, cast doubt, distort reality and create drama.

ENABLERS AND TONGUE BITERS

Narcissists only surround themselves with people who are either so charmed by them that they blindly believe every word they say is true or people who have learned that its easier to keep their mouths shut rather than reap the wrath of expressing an opposing opinion.

Anyone in a narcissists life that doesnt fall into one of the two categories of Enablers or Tongue Biters will certainly be given the boot. But first the narcissist will discipline you with their collection of manipulation tactics, so when they do give you the boot, you will be sure to go out believing the reasons for your dismissal were all your fault.

HERE ARE THE 8 MOST COMMON CONVERSATION MANIPULATION TACTICS

1. TOPIC SWITCHEROO

Heres how this works. You and your narcissist are in the middle of a conversation; its going well until you disagree or present facts that contradict the narcissists point of view. The narcissist knows that your facts are indisputable and you have the upper-hand, so to gain control of the conversation and win the argument, the narcissist will deviate into a tangent of verbal vomit attempting to hoodwink you and pull the ole topic switcheroo. Before you know it, youre discussing something totally unrelated to the original conversation, and you find yourself in defensive mode about some issue the two of you disagreed on last year.

2. THE BLAME GAME

Blame shifting is usually a tactic used subsequently to the Topic Switcheroo. The narcissist, like a magician, successfully changes the topic and diverts your attention by pointing the finger at you, and you suddenly find yourself on the defensive end of the conversation stick. The narcissist will raise questions about any and all of your real or perceived faults and pummel you. You, in turn, instinctively defend yourself, and the narcissist, just like Houdini, makes the original topic of their bad behavior disappear and escapes having to take any accountability for their actions. Meanwhile, youre tricked into taking on the defensive position and accused and blamed for creating problems and drama in the relationship.

3. PROJECTION

Hypocrisy is the narcissists middle name. What they say and do when no one is watching is drastically different from what they say and do in the presence of others. Since they are all about maintaining their false persona they use projection to rid the unwanted traits in their character. But since they are the emotional equivalent of a five-year-old, they magically disown the parts of themselves that reflect negatively on their personas and accuse you of the exact things theyre guilty of doing. Did you ever notice how they will accuse the most generous person of being selfish or having a hidden agenda behind their generosity? The most honest person is accused of being a liar. Their faithful partner is accused of cheating? The narcissists projections are really confessions that reveal what the narcissist is guilty of and/ or believes about himself/herself.

In contrast, emotionally healthy people dont use projection when theyre on the defensive. When and if they resort to character assignation, their comments more closely resemble the truth and tend to resemble slander. Not the outright lies that characterize projection.

4. TURNING UP THE VOLUME

When narcissists act with a disproportionate amount of anger or rage by increasing the volume and tempo of their voice, you can bet that theyre trying to shock and bully you. Their actions are an absolute declaration of psychological warfare. Their increased volume is a ploy to get to you to back off. The sudden, shocking, cruel and disproportionate attack is an offensive maneuver aimed to destabilize, confuse and intimidate you. When youre under attack and in a state of shock, your defenses naturally become weakened. The stress of being attacked and yelled at decreases your mental acuity and leaves you open to suggestion. As a result, your weakened state renders you less of an intellectual threat to the narcissists need for control and dominance.

5. PLAYING THE VICTIM

There is much truth in the quote, Deceits favorite role is playing the victim. Its no wonder why when the narcissist isnt playing the role of the hero, he/she is playing the role poor victim. Through garnering pity, narcissists will play the victim, while vilifying the real victim, as a way of concealing their abusive behavior and avoid taking responsibility for their cruel and deceitful actions. Narcissists capitalize on the compassion of others and exploit their sympathy in any way they can, depending upon what their goal is at the time. If the narcissist doesnt want to keep a promise and you become upset, your feelings wont be validated; there will be no apology or display of empathy. Instead, the narcissist will get angry at you for being upset and blame you for your lack of empathy in not considering that they may be having a bad week, stress at work or so on.

You will be labeled selfish or accused of being needy or demanding for expecting the poor narcissist to honor his/her word. However, if you have a bad week, dont expect to receive the same treatment. The narcissist will expect you to keep your promise and will minimize and invalidate your feelings by portraying themselves as the victim. The narcissist will always one-up you by reciting a litany of reasons why their week was so much worse than yours or lecture you on how your life is so much easier than theirs, and so on. Whatever you can do, they can do better. Whatever bad thing happened to you, something worse happened to them.

6. GAS-LIGHTING

Gas-lighting is a form of psychological abuse so insidious that many articles have been written about it. Narcissists use this tactic in conversations by purposely altering or not sharing information and replacing it with false information. This tactic is designed to systematically dismantle the victims ability to trust their own judgement and undermine their confidence to the point where they begin to doubt their own memories and judgements, thus rendering them highly suggestible to the narcissists opinion.

For example, a narcissist may casually but consistently suggest how their memory is superior to yours, especially if you ever admit to being forgetful about anything. They may even go so far as hiding or rearranging your belongings, intentionally tricking you into believing your memory is faulty. Then when a difference in opinion arises or you expose a discrepancy in their story, the narcissist, with absolute conviction, will use your faulty memory as evidence to make you doubt what you heard or saw and second guess yourself, causing you to ultimately accept the narcissists rendition of the truth.

7. INTERRUPTING

Narcissists are notorious conversation interrupters. They love to be the center of attention and control the focus of the conversation. They have no interest in having a two-way discussion with you. If you dare attempt to get a word in edge-wise or make your point of view heard, if it at all contradicts the narcissists point of view, your opinion will most likely be ignored or dismissed. While many people with ADHD and other mental disorders struggle with problems of poor impulsivity or poor communication and often interrupt others, the narcissist intentionally interrupts to redirect the focus of the conversation back to themselves since they believe their opinions are superior and correct, and that whatever they say should be accepted as the gospel truth.

They genuinely have zero interest in hearing other peoples viewpoints or reaching compromises or win/win solutions to disagreements. They have a my way or the highway frame of mind and interrupting allows them to control the conversation and manage it in a direction that parallels their point of view and agenda. By monopolizing the conversation, they exert their control and avoid taking responsibility or addressing important issues. In their minds, their ability to dominate conversations confirms their superiority.

8. THE SILENT-TREATMENT

The silent treatment is probably one of the most common forms of emotional abuse used by narcissists when all the above tactics have been tried and have failed. Narcissists use the silent treatment as a form of punishment for not acquiescing to their point of view or as the way to gain the upper hand and control in their relationships. Its also a way to avoid discussing important issues in the relationship and avoid taking accountability for their wrong-doings. When a narcissist uses the silent treatment, they will do it in a way that is so out of proportion to the situation. Narcissists will also tend to demand a perfectly delivered apology. If the apology is not said correctly or in the right way, the narcissists will extend the length of the silent treatment. By demanding a perfectly delivered apology, narcissists confirm their dominance and support their exaggerated importance.

The silent treatment is intended to make the victim feel completely unloved, invalidated and insignificant. The use of the silent treatment is usually about control. Sometimes the narcissist will use the silent treatment just to assess the amount of control they have over people. Often, it will be used as a tactic to create distance and free up space to engage in infidelity or pursue new admirers. Victims are left feeling destroyed, as the silent treatment kills any possibility of reconciliation.

THE SEARCH FOR ANSWERS

The many people whove been expelled from the narcissists life know there is something terribly wrong with the narcissist. However, many of them never bothered or cared enough to connect the dots and define the craziness they were subjected to.

But for those who have had intimate relationships with a narcissist for any length of time, it almost becomes an unsettling necessity to search for answers and put the pieces together to restore their equilibrium and unearth the reality of the absolute insanity that had become their normal existence.

This is what drives most former partners of narcissists to hit the internet and actively Google the WHY DID questions for example: Why did my partner always think they were right? Why did my mother never apologize? Why did my spouse always give me the silent treatment? Why did my sibling always make me feel like I was to blame? Why did my perfect partner change?

ITS ALWAYS SUNNY ABOVE THE CLOUDS

Their Google search queries lead them to articles about narcissism and narcissistic traits. Survivors voraciously ingest the massive amounts of information permeating the world-wide web. The descriptions are so eerily accurate that if they didnt know better, they would swear the articles were written about their relationship. The precision in which the articles depict their relationships, from the golden beginnings right down to the horrid end, to the t becomes the indisputable validation that precipitates the cloud of confusion to dissipate, allowing enlightenment to illuminate the truth of their situation with profound clarity. No, narcissism is not limited to vanity or arrogance, as they originally believed. It is so much more pathological and insidious than they could have ever imagined; and even worse, there is no cure.

Gradually, through their research, they realize that the narcissist never really loved them or anyone for that matter, as narcissists are wholly incapable of love and devoid of a conscience. Survivors slowly accept that the person they were in love with was just a faade and never really existed. Finally, this awareness forces them to mourn the loss of three people, only amplifying and adding to their grief. First, they must mourn the loss of the person they loved who never really existed. Second, they must mourn the loss of the person they believed their narcissist had the potential to be. Third, they must mourn the loss of their identity that had been eclipsed under the crushing weight of the imbalance and inequity of their relationship.

THE LENSES OF AWARENESS

Terms they had never heard of before like love bombing, future faking, false-self, idealization, devaluation, projection, gaslighting, smear campaign, flying monkeys, cognitive dissonance, and triangulation become part of the survivors regular vocabulary. Sadly, they become more adept at explaining the definitions of these terms than most mental health professionals because they are not just terms learned through memorization, but rather words learned through painful, real-life experiences.

Their new-found vocabulary becomes powerfully liberating as they finally offer a palpable term to explain the insanity that once was their reality, but that they were previously at a loss for words to describe. They grow so knowledgeable about the subject of narcissism and traits of NPD; they deserve to earn honorary doctorate degrees in the subject.

The crazy-making conversations of the past start to make more sense through the new lenses of awareness. Survivors begin to finally be able to put the finger on and pin-point the emotional abuse they suffered but failed to perceive was abuse at the time. The layers of blame, guilt, doubt, confusion and uncertainty of their reality that had tormented them start to erode, as they recognize that the layers were deliberately and deceptively deposited onto them by their narcissist. This is the pivotal point, where recovery from narcissistic abuse begins.

Without awareness and education about narcissistic abuse, the chances that a survivor will end up in another abusive relationship are infinitely higher. Emotional abuse is as devastating as any other kind of abuse. Its intentional and malicious exploitation and manipulation of the heart, soul, spirit, mind, and often the wallet of another human-being, cloaked in counterfeit expressions of love and concern.

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