#this is great i did not wanna get up today
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sand || matt sturniolo
matt x fem!reader
summary: matt surprised you with your dream date because he saw some tiktoks you reposted about it
warnings: pure fluff
word count: 1,3k
a/n: I saw this on TikTok and it was just so cute I had to write about it. Thank you guys for all the love under few last stories. I am really happy ily all! Remember English is not my first language so be patient with me! Now enjoy its so cheesy...
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Matt told me this morning to get ready for a day because he is taking me out off town for a day. I was exited because the weather was beautiful today and it was so sunny and warm. May grey was making me wanna scream because it was so literally grey and foggy all the time so I was happy that sun was out (and if I'm lucky someones son is going to be inside me 😎 my fav joke to annoy matt). I wore a nice sundress and curled my hair. I did light makeup and I was waiting for Matt to pick me up. When he texted me that he was here I took my purse and sunglasses and went out. I locked my apartment and walked to the elevator that took me to the garage. I did not have a car so Matt always parked on my parking spot which came with my apartment. I smiled when I saw him leaning on his car.
"Hi..."I smiled at him and waved walking in his direction.
"Hi... you look beautiful baby" He pushed himself up and opened arms for me.
"So do you..." I smiled and threw my arms around his neck and kissed him lightly.
He was wearing denim shorts, white nikes and sleeveless black tee. His tattoos were showing. I loved them so much. His hair was fluffy and he had sunglasses on them taking some of his hair back. He looked so good.
"Get in loser were going to the beach" He said again after I moved away and patted my bum.
"Aw great I am so happy... the weather is so beautiful today and did you just quote mean girls? Who are you?" I said and got into the car after he opened the door for me. We were standing on the passenger side anyways.
"I know how you love the beach in spring time so I decided we could have some time on a nice beach...Malibu? And thats your fault you watch it all the time"He smiled.
I loved going up to Malibu. And yes I did love mean girls.
"I love you Matthew" I said happily and he laughed and closed my doors and went to his side. I loved him the most tho.
While we were driving I connected my phone to the aux and put some music on from our shared playlist so I did not have to listen to Matt's whine about my songs.
"So I am thinking brunch, ice cream and then beach or do you wanna take food to the beach? I have some snacks and drinks for us too" He said.
"We can take food to the beach" I said and he nodded agreeing with me.
"Cos he was sunshine I was midnigh...."I looked at Matt so he could finish singing.
"Rain...."He sang and I smiled.
"Oh how world would love you for singing Taylor" I laughed.
"It is you special only, I am not singing to anyone else" He said.
"You're in a good mood today.... Chris and Nick didn't have a chance to piss you off today?" I put my hand on his knee and stroked it gently.
"They were still sleeping when I left but I told them yesterday that were going away for a day and yes I am in a good mood because I missed you and you are so cute in your dress and I am exited about our date" He said and also put his hand on my thigh and left it there.
"Aww do its a date?" I smiled.
"Yes, it's a date...." He smiled as well.
Whole drive we were talking and singing and talking shit about other drivers and people because thats us.
When we finally arrived at Malibu we stopped to get some food and then we drove to the beach.
"What's that?" I asked when Matt took a bag from the trunk after he handed me food and drinks along with a blanket.
"You will see" He said.
"Okay..."I said looking at him suspiciously.
We settled down far from other people so we could have some privacy just in case someone would recognized Matt.
"So... I bought this" He took out glue and canvas from the bag.
"Oh my god....Matt how did you know I wanted to do this?" I gasped happily knowing already what is it all for.
"I follow you on TikTok you know" He laughed what made my laughed as well. I forgot I must have reposted some TikTok about this.
"Can I make a TikTok from this?" I asked him.
"Of course you can but let's eat first because knowing us we will get glue everywhere" He smiled.
"Probably.... Matt thats so cute I can't believe... you're the best boyfriend ever and like I never had to beg you for a good date.... you always just do this out of nowhere and it's been almost two years" I said.
Time with Matt was my favorite time of my life. He was my everything and I don't even remember who I was before I met him.
"Well.. I am trying out here, so are you, you're the best" He put some of my hair behind my ear.
I got up on my knees and kissed him. I loved him so much and it was all so cute that I couldn't resist.
"Our food will be cold" He laughed in my lips and I peck his lips one more time and moved to sit down on my spot.
We ate and opened some drinks. Then Matt went to throw away empty food containers while I prepared the canvas and glue.
"Ready?"I smiled and he gave me his hand.
I put some glue on in and distributed it all over his hand with my own.
Then we sticked our hands to the canvas.
"I hope it's going to work" I said while putting sand on one when he was putting sand on other.
Then we cleaned the access of the sand and only our sandy hand prints were left on the white canvas.
"Oh it's so cute Matt! It worked" I said.
"It did... here, you write our initials on mine and I will on yours" He handed me pastel pink marker. Pastel pink was my favorite color.
I did what he said and on the back I left a little note and the date.
"Let's go cleaned our hands?" He asked and I nodded.
We went to clean our hands in the ocean and came back. After we packed everything we took a walk by the shore and came back to the car.
"Would you like to stay at my place tonight?" He asked while we were driving.
"Yes... you have to show me how much you missed me" I winked at him and he laughed.
"You're impossible" He shook his head.
I edited the TikTok and posted it. It was very cute and I sent a picture to the group chat we had with his brothers.
"Your brother just called you a lover boy" I said and laughed.
"He can fuck himself" He rolled his eyes.
"Oh Matty but you are my loverboy...."I looked at him with a big smile.
"I will drop you off in your apartment actually" He said and it made me laugh even more.
"Okay okay I am done" I put my hands up in defense.
"Thought so..."He said and put his hand on my upper thigh under my dress. It made my body cover with goosebumps.
I smiled.
"Thank you for today... I loved every second of it" I told him.
"Don't thank me just yet...the night is still young sweetheart" He winked at me.
"Oh my god, he winked everybody" I said and put my hand on my lips acting surprised.
"Okay that's it, you're walking home, I am stopping right here" He laughed.
"You love me too much" I said.
" You right, I do..."He said back and took my hand to his lips and kissed it gently and then left both of our hands on his tight.
I was the luckiest girl in the whole world.
#chris sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo triplets#matt sturniolo#matt sturniolo x reader#nick sturniolo#chris sturniolo x reader#christopher sturniolo#sturniolo x reader
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먹다-"eat."
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let them eat cake
member: ot8
pairing: fem!reader x idol!members (9th member au)
type: imagine (angst, fluff/comfort)
warnings: !!ED!! dni if you cannot cope with any topic about disordered eating or eds in general!
a/n: I thought about writing about mental health topics for a while now and decided to give it a go now. I myself struggle a lot with unhealthy eating habits and it might never go away so I think it's a great comfort story for all the people who feel the same :3 please know that you can text me anytime and you are beautiful!!! now enjoy ^^
here's my masterlist!
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"shit" you mumble, stepping down from the scale again only to step back on right away. 2 kilo more than yesterday, only if you hadn't eaten like basically half of the fridge in one go. but you couldn't help yourself.
staring at all the snacks, your stomach empty for at least 5 days. you had to.
so you ended up sitting on the kitchen floor, mascara running down your cheeks as you stuffed food into your mouth, more and more, till you physically couldn't fit any more into your stomach. exhausted from everything you went straight to bed, after cleaning everything up, making sure none of the others saw what had happened to all the food.
you didn't wanna be like this, starved, low on energy, no motivation for even the smallest things but you couldn't do anything against it. but you didn't tell anyone, in fact, your management was more than happy about how your body looked which only made you keep going, -1,2,3,4,5,6... you needed to loose more, the desire to lose more, now too big to stop.
you could see the others starting to notice, the way Seonghwa had looked into your eyes after laying his hand around your wrist, he could feel how thin it was. "honey are you alright?" he had asked. "I'm fine, everything is great, why would you ask?" you bluntly responded, that answer already being on autopilot by now.
he left you alone after that response, he didn't want to bother you, yet he knew something was wrong. and he wasn't the only one, everyone looked at you worried after you spit out yet another "I'm not hungry" when they offered you food. but it still worked. no one was brave enough to speak up and say that they knew you were in fact not fine.
today was another day of dance practice. a quite intense one actually, which was not the perfect combination to a 5 days empty stomach. but you had to pull through. everybody went into the car, Jongho getting in last and shutting the door as he drove you all to the company.
in the practice room, everyone set down their things, turning on the music and getting in position. standing up already made your vision go black for a few seconds, you didn't even wanna know what would happen if you did such an intense dance. but you guess you are about to find out.
the room was a whirlwind of activity as everyone settled in, stretching and chatting, the atmosphere a mix of excitement and exhaustion. You placed your bag in the corner, taking a deep breath as you tried to ignore the gnawing emptiness in your stomach. You could feel the concerned glances from the other members, their silent worry a weight you couldn’t shake off.
"Y/N, you okay?" Wooyoung’s voice broke through your thoughts, his eyes searching yours for any sign of truth.
"Yeah, just a bit tired," you lied, forcing a smile. "Ready to dance."
You moved into position, the music starting to pulse through the speakers. The choreography was demanding, each step requiring precision and energy you didn’t have. As the dance progressed, you felt your limbs growing heavier, your vision starting to blur. You pushed yourself harder, desperate to keep up, 'don't you dare give in now' you told yourself, but your body had reached its limit.
Halfway through the routine, your legs gave out, and you crumpled to the floor. then nothing. not a sound, no light, just complete darkness. you took it too far this time. fuck. the music stopped abruptly, replaced by the sounds of panicked voices and hurried footsteps. your vision and hearing then came back after a few seconds but everything was blurry, seemed almost unreal.
"Y/N!" San was the first to reach you, his face a mix of fear and concern. "Are you okay? What happened?"
"I’m fine," you tried to say, but your voice was weak, barely audible. The room spun around you, and you felt yourself being lifted off the ground, strong arms carrying you out of the practice room.
Everything became a blur after that, a flurry of worried faces and hurried words. You were taken to the company’s infirmary, where a doctor checked your vitals, their expression grave.
"She’s severely malnourished and dehydrated," the doctor said, looking at the others. "She needs rest and proper nutrition immediately."
Hongjoong’s face was tight with worry, his usual calm demeanor shattered. "How could this happen?" he muttered, more to himself than anyone else.
You were too exhausted to respond, your body shutting down as you were hooked up to an IV. The room was quiet, the silence heavy with unspoken fears. You drifted in and out of consciousness, feeling a hand squeeze yours gently. Based on what you could feel you were pretty sure it was Wooyoung. you knew how his hand felt in yours and this gave you at least a bit of comfort in this moment.
When you finally woke up, you were back at the dorm, lying in your bed. The room was dimly lit, and you could hear soft voices from the living room. You tried to sit up, but your body protested, every muscle aching.
"Hey, don’t move too much." Yunho's voice was gentle as he entered the room, a worried smile on his face. "You need to rest."
You looked at him, tears welling up in your eyes. "I’m sorry," you whispered, your voice breaking. "I didn’t want to worry anyone."
Yunho sat down beside you, his expression softening. "We’re more worried about you than anything else, Y/N. We’ve noticed for a while now, but we didn’t know how to help."
"Why didn’t you say anything?" you asked, feeling a mix of guilt and relief.
"We wanted to, but we didn’t want to push you away," he admitted. "We’ve all been so worried."
The door opened, and the rest of the members filed in, their expressions a mix of relief and concern. Yeosang stepped forward, his eyes filled with determination.
"We’ll look out for you more, Y/N. We’re going to get through this together."
Tears streamed down your face as you nodded, the weight of your struggles finally lifting. You knew it wouldn’t be easy, but with their support, you felt a glimmer of hope. You weren’t alone anymore.
Mingi handed you a bowl of soup, his smile encouraging. "Start with this, okay? Small steps."
You took the bowl, feeling the warmth spread through your hands. You looked at the soup for a bit, handing it back to Mingi, who gave you a confused glance. "can you do it?" you asked quietly. "you want me to feed you?" he smiled softly "sure sweetheart." he lifted the spoon giving you small portions to swallow.
the others sat around you, their presence a comforting reminder that you were loved and cared for.
For the first time in a long time, you felt a sense of peace. You had a long road ahead, but with them by your side, you knew you could face it. Together.
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#ateez#ateez atiny#ateez fanfic#ateez fic#ateez imagines#atiny#ateez scenarios#ateez x reader#tw ed but not sheeran#tw eating issues#hongjoong#seonghwa#yunho#yeosang#san#mingi#wooyoung#jongho#choi jongho#ateez san#ateez fluff#ateez angst#ateez mingi#ateez hongjoong#ateez jongho#ateez seonghwa#ateez wooyoung#ateez yeosang#ateez yunho
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kisses on space street • NEBULAE
aventurine x gn!reader • fluff (ongoing series)
chapter summary: pretty boy aventurine has completely taken over your college campus and everyone is warning you to stay away! however, (un)lucky for you, he's got his eyes on you.
author's note: finally doing this series😭 ive been meaning to and nothing ever came to mind to get rid of my writer's block but now im delivering the first chapter☝️
August 23rd, 20XX.
first day of college. you had to try and find your way around the huge campus from the library to the food hall to the area where your actual major resided. the place was a little overwhelming and you had a bit of trouble making your way around.
however, someone came up to help you find your way around.
aventurine. the man with beautiful eyes, is talking to you, an average person. "heya, pretty, you look lost, where do ya need to go?" he cooed in that sweet, honey-like voice. you looked a little shocked he was actually talking to you of all people. guess he sensed that since he let out a lighter chuckle, "ya look shocked, you good?" he asked, now you just have to snap out of it.
you spoke up, "yeah yeah, im...uh, fine, just looking for where my professor's classroom is at" you spoke politely. you didn't wanna waste his time, especially because he definitely has better people to talk to. you showed him the classroom number and his face lit up, "hey i have to go there too! i found it earlier, follow me" he stated pretty enthusiastically. you followed him to the classroom and he opened his mouth again.
he does not know how to shut up, huh?
he spoke up, "so, pretty, you livin' on campus?" he asked. you didn't really wanna tell him this but you went ahead and did it anyways. "uhm, yeah, im living in a dorm with a roommate, don't know his name though, didn't bother looking at the sheet." you cant believe you said that. now hes gonna bother you about looking at the sheet. "oo! let me see for you, i know everyone here" he didnt even really ask to see it, he kinda just stole your papers and looked through. judging by how his face lit up.
he was your roommate.
great.
he left you alone after he lead you to class and when lunchtime came, you went to the nearby cafe to speak to your friends. seems they had some warnings for you. "hey loser! over here!" they called you over and you sat down.
"yknow guys, i met the most obnoxious guy ever today" you started off, catching your friends' attention. your friends' names are robin, a music major. brother is sort of all over the place but he's nice. robin is also a travelling musician so there's some weeks where you never see her but she keeps contact. veritas ratio, prefers being called ratio. older than you and robin and is a junior in college. you guys only met because he accidentally threw chalk at your head when you were a junior in high school minding your business in math class.
"cant be as obnoxious as aventurine, i mean, he's literally loud and pretty so he gets away with it" robin stated and you went really quiet.
"so what if i said it was aventurine?" you questioned and robin dropped her sandwich on the table and ratio, sorta didn't show a reaction. kinda just glared. "stay away from him! he locks his eyes on someone and then ruins their life from what i heard!" robin stated with a scared expression and ratio just scoffed. "all you hear is rumors, miss robin. why dont you just get to know the guy for once, hm?" he asked her with a glare her way, robin just picked up her sandwich and ate it with a pout.
"always have a way of bullying the poor girl, huh, ratio?" you asked him, in which he just grunted and sipped his tea. "anyways, aventurine, i seriously cannot escape him, he's my roommate and in my class" you stated, robin just about imploded.
"no way! good luck dealing with him, dont be too interesting around him or else he'll target you" she said with a nervous sounding voice. you guys ended up finishing our lunch and parting ways, you and ratio going back to the campus while robin had some things to do back at her studio.
the entire day passed you by and it'd already been nine at night. you started heading back to your dorm, hoping that aventurine wasnt there. yet of course, nothing you wish for, actually happens.
"pretty! you're back, how was your first day?" he cooed, he had friends over and he didnt even bother considering how you'd feel about that. "it was fine, im going to my room, dont make too much noise" you stated before walking away. aventurine didnt think you'd be this prickly.
whatever, not like it mattered.
why should you care how he feels.
too bad for you though, he's interested in you now.
#aventurine fluff#aventurine angst#honkai star rail#hsr fics#hsr fluff#fluff#angst#angst with a happy ending#hsr angst#made by 💐#🍰 fics#🍰 ongoing
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let's gooooo my school has been closed due to the snow 😎
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FUCK
#i wanna scream in a forest#this is gonna be a rant post. just so you know.#last month i went out with a girl i met in the summer theatre course#we stayed outside wandering the city for hours#we talked about our lifes (jesus Christ we were getting to know each other? what else should we have talked about?)#she stopped texting me after that#(she had told me she had a great time. she thanked me for sharing my story)#i texted her today and told me how bad she actually felt after our meeting and that i am too negative for her#because we didn't joke or laugh#i do remember joking and laughing btw#and i get that we can't be liked by everyone but it was the first time in YEARS that i actually opened up to someone#and boy I'm so not taking this well#i was finally feeling good enough but now? now???#I'm trying not to take this too personal because she said 'i'm too sensitive for you' so this might be a problem of hers#even because. you know. it's not like my story is that bad. i just told her about m#my father and what's going on in my family right now which is just annoying yk? not traumatizing#but also. how is it that when i show my true self to someone no one seems to really like it?#do i have to keep pretending I'm someone else? now that i finally know who i am?#i did say I'm an ugly person didn't I#i was already stressed out about uni starting tomorrow#and now this#it will never get better will it#i will always be this messed up thing no one wants to deal with right?#fuck#i was trying to go to therapy less frequently but I definitely need it this week
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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watching mystery spot on the mystery spot day of the week again
#according to the cursory research i just did . it first aired on february 14th so if i REALLY wanna gild the lily#i'll watch up to the wednesday midpoint today. then stop and finish the rest tomorrow#time! loop! time! loop! time!!! loop!!!#i woke up super early so i am sitting here with coffee watching just the first couple minutes or so but then ill watch em again after work#my normal and detestable habit of rewatching sections of things over and over again before moving on is actually really great#when i watch things that have time loop . i get double the time loop for like zero effort it's great#spn
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Being an adult is so fun you get to tell TV licencing to fuck off, register for pension schemes, chase up IT issues, make returns, figure out what you're gonna eat this week so you can actually go grocery shopping an- *is laid face down on the floor*
#adulting#ace is grumpy bean#im having a great morning what about you? love spending my only day off catching up on chores and errands#tbf i did finally receive all of my packages that were being held hostage at reception so it hasnt been all bad#but one of my packages needs to be returned and i gotta exchange my hair dye before i buy groceries today cus i grabbed the wrong shade#i have sent more emails than i would like to have today had to email my professor cus of my student account not working chase IT services up#about that again email about sorting out a refund email the pension scheme i got enrolled in cus the registration wasnt working#then deal with tv licencing 'youre under investigation' shut up 🙄 as if anyone watches live tv anymore anyway#i also forgot to speak to my mum while tryna sort stuff out lately so she texted me worried that something had happened this was after shed#apparently called me while i was sleeping but i ignored cus it ended too quickly and i already got woken up by them testing the fire alarm#its felt like a lot of admin today and i still gotta get groceries but i dont know what im gonna eat or rather what i wanna cook this week#so my shopping list is slow going and i dont really wanna leave my flat anyway but the kitchen needs sorting too cus my flatmates are vile#anyway most of my stuff for Halloween came and lets just say im really glad to have next weekend off for it
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What is it about internal pain that hurts so much more than external pain :c
#rant#asterisk here that i think some people find external pain hurts more#just like. man. i can walk off a tackle. i can limp away with a bruise the size of my head#i dont even feel a slice across my skin externally after a second#which is why i dont realize oh shit i have a cut till i shower later and find a 10 inch long cut down my calf oops#but. internal? god my internal pain SO bad a muscle relaxer. a nerve pain med#and max dose ibprofen and tylenol dont do SHIT#pain so bad that when the pain stops i literally fall s#asleep wherever i am cause the pain relief is so Nice my body is exhausted and just goes to sleep at the chance#i wish bodies let me TURN THE INTERNAL PAIN OFF#like YES body! you alerted me! i get it! im injured somewhere inside! stop telling me now!#its hard to treat it when simply existing hurts so fucking much!#anyway my backs been 8-9/10 pain for a month now and i did ab exercises yesterday#in a desperate attempt to relieve pain after lidocaine patch and muscle relaxer and ibprofen didnt help#and i woke up today at 6 am to period cramps.#and somehow. those period cramps hurt MORE then my back pain#to the point my body didnt even register the back pain. then i took ibprofen for the period#(and 800 mg worked eventually thank fuck) and now i feel the backpain nonstop again great -.-#(to be fair i have. excessively bad period cramps mormally. like make you wanna chainsaw off your abdomen#downward bad level cramps. scream for an hour in super hot bath water with 800 mg ibprofen and a muscle#relaxer pain levels. ToT
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Why do I feel guilty for being happy? Like I am happiest sitting in the trunk of the car at the lake alone reading and listening to music and watching movies and just being alone in the van and then I have to like force myself to get back in the drivers seat and go home to be alone at home like even if I did the same stuff in my bedroom it wouldn't make me happy the same way. I feel so bad for this change I feel like I'm avoiding my mom when I'm not it's just like memories of dad and friends I don't talk to anymore and like yeah it's just a lot easier to sit in the car and be happy so why do I feel so bad when I'm happy driving around
#i love my mom I love my bedroom I love my dog I love my house I love my yard and my neighbors but why did he have to die down the street#like dude#it's literally the closer I get to my house the worse this fucking black cloud is over my head#i just want to get away from it and the twenty minutes to drive to the lake seems to be just enough for me to get away from it all and just#live in the moment#and it's perfect. it's fucking perfect. but then I have to get up and go home cause I can't sit in the car forever#and I used to sit in the driveway at the old house parked for an hour after I got home#but now we've got real neighbors and no trees surrounding the yard we're so painfully visable to everyone I just want to sit outside but#also hide from the world at the same time and that's why I miss New England and trees surrounding my bedroom and climbing out my window to#smoke on a little wooden stool I made in eighth grade and I miss that old house so much and I can never go back and they cut all the trees#down anyways#the trees that watched me cry when I walked home from school and jump rope and laugh and smoke cigs with my best friend at the time and now#the trees are gone#it feels like a piece of me is still with that house in New Hampshire even though new people live there and maybe there's a part of my dad#there too that I'm not getting back#i can see him so clearly in my brain sitting at his desk in that house#i can see it clearer than I can see him anywhere in the new house he isn't with us he is in New Hampshire he isn't here it's so painfully#obvious that he isn't here anymore and it just hurts I don't wanna think about the house I just want to sit at the lake and cry in the trunk#like I'm doing rn cause fuck I made the tears happen thinking about New Hampshire and growing up and changing and death and my dad#it's just really hard to deal with sometimes and I had a great day today but I'm still ending it by crying
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#i have a sneaking suspicion that in addition to all the other weird bullshit going on with my body#that at the moment my healing/recovery time is taking WAY longer than usual#and that im like. excessively affected by temperatures+/temp changes right now too#bc yeah while everyone else in my dorm house agrees that it really sucks the school hasnt turned the heat on and its kinda cold#its messing with me fucking HARD right now. like. to the point where today i went out and bought myself a pair of sturdy-ass gloves to wear#While I Am In My Bed Under My Blankets. bc its so bad that ((even bundled up top to tip!!)) if i dont get up every once and a while to run#my hands under hot water they get ICY and start turning fucking PURPLE. so uhhh. my temperature regulatory system has never been Great#but i think this is. much worse than usual#and when we were getting my bloodwork done before i left for school the docs never said anything abt like a zinc deficiency or anything#but??? unless its smth ELSE that ALSO didnt show up on the screenings they did... ughhgh. fuck. idk man#just. hOUGH. i wanna be wARMB and i wanna be CUDDLED and... idk man. i just want to be well. but i dont think thats happening anytime soon.#🙃🙃#time to hop outta bed to warm my hands again bc my phone is starting to not react to my fingers trying to type anymore. wahoo.#bee speaks
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ouuhhgh the urge to call in to work..... its so strong this morningggg...
#we had one of those big fancy Visits today with corporate and hopefully by the time i go in they'll be gone#but apparently management has been bitching at my coworkers all morning for really dumb shit and i just don't wanna put up with it#we work so fucking hard for not enough pay and no gratitude from anyone and it sucks that they STILL get upset with us for nothing#my brain is in a not great place today so i just know if i hear even one complaint i will be a disaster#whatever i need to stop caring so much bc i know they would never fire me.. they'd be stupid if they did
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hihi vent post incoming (tldr im pretty sure everyone hates me and also im gonna fail all my exams)
#first off i did NOT end up studying! probable executive dysfunction went and got me again! i only managed to study a tiny but before and#now im procrastinating. again. killing myself ! 😁 im actually gonna fail rs tomorrow like who CARES about rs ofuhrkdkfkf it's bad. it's so#bad im in the trenches rn .....#i can physically feeling my brain shriveling the longer i spend online maybe if i finish typing i can get it together and start fucking stu#dying!!!!!!#second this whole i keep posting things then immediately getting second thoughts and deleting 😭😭😭 like its so embarrassing on twitter#discord tumblr everything????? can i not talk to people in a calm and measured fashion???? WHY do i keep typos ???? i am so socially inept#it's not even funny. im sooo fucked#maybe i am a teen going through and it's the hormones making me overthjnk everything buttt#i want normal pills!!!! i dont wanna get diagnosed for anything i just wanna try some medication and see if it fixes me !!! please!!!!!!!!#i.actually need to study or im fucked#so#uh#yeah#id much rather fail rs than history cuz i like history so i have to be normal by tomorrow wish me liuck!!!!!!!#ok so maybe this ventpost is not sad and upset more overwhelmed and angy at myself. whatever! I SHOULDNT HAVE WASTED ALL OF LAST NIGHT#DRAWING FUKDHFKDKFK#wish i could just undo today cant lie 😭 taken a WALK at least instead of languishing but now its 10 pm and im running out of time#im continueing to waste time on tumblr ok no. i AM going to study#vee rambles#proofread this .... also typo ridden! im stupid and i cant speak english someone pulverize me ！#also my bried venture onto twitter .... disastrous . i think i've turned many people from neutral or even positive about me to firmly#irritated. great! classic me fikejfldlflslmglslf < keysmash of anger
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Did I just employ the "Treat Them Like You are A Kindergarten Teacher Again" method with my insurance company today? I surely did. Did it work? Probably better than intended because I made an actual doctor feel contrite.
So, my insurance has been trying to not cover my SNRI because it is new on the market and no generic available yet, so pricey.
I apply for a refill and the request gets locked for review. Again. For the 3rd time.
This time I call and immediately ask to speak to the actual doctor making these clinical decisions. Very politely. Must be a slow day because they allow it.
ME: [Teacher voice] I'm calling in regards to the SNRI you have placed a lock on. Why was this decision made?
DOC: Well, there are dozens of other medications on the market in that tier, and far cheaper for you and [insurer]. We have sent a request to your doctor to consider alternatives.
ME: I am aware of that. So, can you do me a HUGE favor and look up my prescription history really quickly and tell me how many SSRIs and SNRIs were only filled once in 2022 for me, showing they were poorly tolerated?
DOC: It looks like eight.
ME: Great job! Now, can you please look at my genetic test for psychiatric drug tolerance and tell me how many medications are listed in the safe category?
DOC: Two.
ME: Awesome! Now, can you tell me what type that other drug is that I'm not taking?
DOC: Yeah, totally, it's an MAOI.
ME: That's correct, you're really knowledgeable! Should I be taking something as dangerous as an MAOI with my other medications, or even just in general?
DOC: It's contraindicated for sure.
ME: It is! So true! So, last question since you've been incredibly smart and helpful. Is it less expensive for [insurer] to pay out for the medication knowing they already get a huge manufacturer discount anyway, or is it more expensive for them to pay for me to need potentially long-term inpatient psychiatric care?
DOC: I'll clear the code, ma'am and flag it as medically necessary. I'm sorry about this.
ME: I appreciate you SO MUCH. You have a great day now.
WALGREENS PHARMACY TECH WITH 5 NOSE RINGS AND PURPLE HAIR STARING AT ME: ........... OKAY! It'll be ready in five minutes. You wanna come work here?
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hm
#self harm tw#against all odds i did not self harm today wow#i was this close but i didn't#simply bc it was a pain in the ass to patch up my right thigh so#it hurts like a bitch sometimes it makes me so annoyed gsdhajdkdj like yea yea self harm cutting open ur thigh is gonna hurt but can u stop?#my mood swings so much too im legit losing my fucking mind dude#i think i need to get back on meds fr. just dont know how to sit my mom down to tell her#like oh hey gotta a sec great so remember three years ago when i tried to kill myself? yeah its about to happen again#im actually gonna try to get my prescription back alone but if it doesn't work then ya ill have to tell her ugh#i need to book a psychiatrist bc idk if taking my old nortriptyline is gonna help or if i need something else#because my mind is literally kill yourself kill yourself kill yourself 24/7 👍👍👍#and if i dont get the meds soon ill just be goneeeeeee#so ya#for some godforsaken reason maybe i dont wanna go#which is stupid bc ik the cycle is gonna keep repeating like it has for the past 10 fucking years#but. at least till only friends ends ig lmfaoooooo#anyway#going to try and sleep when im a side sleeper and both sides of my hips and legs are full of cuts 🫡#dawn.txt
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my mom just said its good i said everything in my mind today because atleast she knows i have venom in my mind about her and that she made a mistake trusting me
#im doing great!#this was spontaneous btw. i was minding my own business getting ready to go out because i didnt wanna stay here anymore#she came up to me and said all this. without me saying a word#maybe i was wrong today but i didnt do anything worth saying all this#i was always good to her when no one else was. ALWAYS#she used to trauma dump on me all the time!! all the time!! thats what i was reffering to!!#about her parents her family my dad my brother#everything#everytime something happened she told me.#thats what made me hate my brother more thats what made me feel weird about my dad#YET#i am the one whos wrong#i never told her anything im going thru because she never understood#would blame me infact#and im the one with venom in my mind#I LOVED U WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID U STUPID WOMAN#I TRIED TO GET U TO DO THING FOR URSELF AND GO OUT. ME#I STOOD UP FOR U#VENOM IN MY MIND
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