I'm fine and I'm normal, but I'm sad, I'm fucking sad and I hate it

Me? Uploading a Halloween comic on November 18th, almost four whole-ass weeks late???? Yeah that’s uh. yup. yeah

Thanks for reading! :) <3

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im sorry i have to rant im so fucking pissed

my exams end on 19th and I have to get rid of some books and buy some books which are quite pricy online so I had planned on going to college street on 20th and selling my books and buying the new ones at a cheap price and i was frankly really excited about it because all I get is a one day break to relax bcz i have to start studying for entrances from 21st so all I have is 20th and i wanted to spend it at college street and then get some food and basically have like a solo date kind of thing.

and i was so so excited about it i told my boyfriend about it like 500 times bcz i kept forgetting i've already mentioned it and it was literally on my mind a lott so i kept bringing it up and ik it seems like not a big deal cz i can just sit at home and chill too but i literally do not get to go outside my house. like- the last time i went out was new years eve and after that the only time i've gone out is to school or to give my boards that is it. my mother has some weird like problem wiht me going out like even if i tell her that i just want to go to our terrace for 5 minutes just to get some fresh air she won't even allow that she'll be all suspicious and like sTaNd In ThE bAlCOnY aNd TaKe FrEsH aIr like she herself doesnt leave the house (and blames it on me and my brother ???? when have we ever stopped you bro, she said I HaVe To Be HeRe To KeEp An EyE like im 18 i dont need to be watched 24/7 stop blaming me for choices you put upon yourself) and i just feel so suffocated ALL THE TIME i feel so overstimulated and im so sick of rotting on my bed and i dont want to wait for some birthday party or friends meet up to be able to leave my goddamn house i just wanted to go and have a fun day and get me some books thats it.

anyway so initially the plan was that my mom would go along but something came up so she wanted to postpone it to 21st and i didn't want to bcz i'd already be missing 3 days bcz of my boyfriends birthday, holi and my brothers birthday (all of which are important and i dont want to miss which makes me the villain apparently bcz i should "adjust" and cancel my "parties" instead of trying to stick to my plan bcz that makes me too demanding and selfish apparently) so i suggested that ukw why dont u go do ur thing which came up and i'll go to college street by myself...which is when the solo date idea came which i had really wanted all along but didnt bring up bcz i knew she'd say no but now there's a valid reason for me to go alone so like, its a pretty easy fix i can just go alone but noooo. First of all,

I've been to college street multiple times before so its not like its an unknown area to me

im going by metro which is quite safe

im going when there is stark daylight and i will return home much much before it gets dark and im literally 18

she never lets me go anywhere alone, not even take ubers alone if i want to get back from somewhere my bf has to come drop me everytime and then go backwards to his house which is so so so stupid and i never get to go out alone unless accompanied by family or by a male friend, so obv when i said i'll go to college street alone she refused to let that happen and started screaming about how 'if its so important to go on 20th bcz u dont want to miss a day of studying then cancel ur 'parties' and study then' and i was like no its not about missing a day its just that there's a very easy and logical fix to this problem which is i go alone and its not inconveniencing anyone so why cant i just do that but she will not listen to that bcz im 'adamant' and 'everything has to be according to me' bcz i found a viable solution to the problem. so instead of letting me just go she was literally ready to pay much more money and buy the books online, like.....why cant i just go bro??? (and she keeps telling me im a waste of her money bcz i will amount to nothing in life and my education was a failed investment or wtv so like now why are u wasting more money??? im literally trying to save the money that u 'waste' on me so just let me ???)

anyway i called my dad last night and told him and he was super ok with the idea he said its a good idea that i go alone and that he would speak to her but then today when i asked her if dad spoke to her she said yes, we'll go on 20th and i was like .....we? so apparently she CANCELLED her previously immovable thing for which she wanted me to cancel my 'parties', she cancelled that and agreed to go with me on 20th just so that i dont get to go alone- like ???????????????? what is ur problemmmm

so obv i was super annoyed and i went on a whole ass rant about how i literally struggle to even cross roads bcz i dont know shit about basic travelling bcz all my life ive been in a car and its a running joke with all my guy friends that i 'cannot navigate' and 'dont know any places' and obv??? if im never allowed to go anywhere then how tf will i know the places- the only places i know is bcz recently i've been paying a lot of attention and asking my dad stuff about what roads to take to reach certain places and when i go out with my friends i kind of try and learn a bit but thats it i've only ever gone alone completely alone to two places which is my beauty parlour thats 5 minutes away from my house and one bazaar one time that was 2 bus stops away, thats it. thats my extent of public travelling alone. and now im supposed to go to a whole new STATE for college and i cant even call myself an auto without struggling. and like- is this not a basic life skill??? like ok yeah its not rocket science and i will probably figure it out even if i start later in life but why not now? most of my guy friends literally go everywhere alone, why not me? and my dad agreed with all of this but my mom was just like "you'll be in the hostel only, no need to go out of the campus" like ARE YOU FOR REAL????????? and she's like "if u want to learn skills learn how to cook" like ok yes i will also learn how to cook for sure but i wont have a fucking kitchen in the hostel but somehow cooking is an urgent skill i should learn but going places by myself is unimportant bcz i should just never? leave? the? hostel?

anyway after much screaming and shouting my dad gave up and just cut the call bcz he doesnt want to get into an argument with my mother and my mother was being all suspicious like why do u hAvE tO gO aLoNe AlL oF a SuDdEn even though i literally explained why i want to do this alone but she doesnt think thats valid. so she refuses to let me go and i asked her for one reason why i shouldnt cz usuallt its always "no u have exam what if smthn happens" but now i literally dont even have exam so whats ur excuse now? streets will always be unsafe forever so "what if smthn happens" is not a reason to never let me go out without a man so just gimme one reason and she couldnt give me a single reason she just said "i said no, thats it".

and now she's gone off about how im useless and blah blah and "high maintainance" bcz i want books and "everyone else (some pishi's son) just studies online" and so the whole option of college street is apparently now cancelled and she's trying to set up a whole ass kindle account (half the books i need arent even available as ebooks) just because i wanted to go by myself.

It's ✨ speculation time ✨

See, if Sano grandpa hadn't been there, Shinichiro and Mikey would've ended up in an institution and could've been separated

Perhaps Mikey never thought about it - he had no reason to - but what about Shinichiro? When Emma comes to their home and she talks about her big brother and he goes to see Izana and-

Izana has no family left, and that could've been Shinichiro (it's not a fair comparison - especially not when Shinichiro can come see his mom whenever he wants)

Shinichiro sees himself in Mikey, at least a bit, and knows Mikey will be greater than him - hence he wants to be there to help Mikey no do great mistakes like he maybe did back then during Black Dragon. And once again I'd like to mention Shinichiro only left Black Dragon for Mikey and would have stayed if not for him + would have gone far deeper into illegality - this boy became a delinquent to cope with his father's death and change of lifestyle.

So what if he saw himself in Izana as well?

He went to see Izana with perhaps little to no information on him - we don't even know how he figured out where Izana was. Did he know right off the bat Izana wasn't his (or Emma's) biological brother? The answer to these questions do not matter here, sorry for that.

Did he think Izana thought of Emma the same way he thought of Mikey? He perhaps went to see him after Emma opened up to them and talked about Izana - did he go see Izana for Emma? To make her happy? After all, that's what he says in her chapter-backstory: 'I want to make her smile' and even if Mikey did succeed to make her open up at the end, Shinichiro himself needed to do something to get closer to her.

But then. Izana's main thing is that he (feels) is alone. We don't know how Shinichiro dealt with his father's death+his mother's extended hospitalization+his lifestyle going from 'typical citizen life' to 'living with grandfather, having to raise siblings as a teen, being a delinquent' but it's clear he relied on Mikey('s well-being) a lot. Mikey is the only thing he has left from his previous normal life (aside from Takeomi) and without him he'd have felt way lonelier.

So what did he never make Izana and Emma talk again?

Well first, I won't give you the canonical answer, I don't have it, second — to learn to know someone, you have to share a point in common you can talk about, right?

If Shinichiro thought Shinichiro&Mikey's relationship = Izana&Emma's relationship, what else could he have talked about? He knows Mikey better than Emma, and Izana knows Emma but not Mikey. If Shinichiro wanted to share things about Mikey so that Izana get to know him a bit (even without meeting him) and if he wanted that by doing that Izana will talk about Emma... well that completely backfired we know that, but I don't think that implausible. Shinichiro's not perfect, he messes up – he's human like any other character.

After Izana's 'stop talking about Manjiro, my head hurts because of him', Shinichiro stepped back from talking about Mikey (supposedly). He tries at some point to tell Mikey about Izana ('what would you think if you had another big brother?') but without talking clearly about Izana – he's still not sure about how to do it

He doesn't know if he can talk about Izana with Emma either. She progressively stopped talking about him and the last time she saw him she was 3. Does she remember him? If yes, how much? Not much, right? Emma was the same age Mikey was when their father died, Mikey doesn't remember their father, sure Emma would want to see Izana again, just like Mikey would like to see their father again but at the end of the day they know how to live without them, don't they, because they do not have much memories about them whereas Shinichiro remembers his dad and Izana remembers Emma and and— and next thing Shinichiro knows, Izana pushed someone to suicide and ended up in Juvie.

Shinichiro is Black Dragon's leader and founder, he knows a lot of people and a lot of them did messed up things, because they could, because they had to, because they had no other choice, because they didn't know better... But it's his younger brother here

And it gets even worse after Izana gets out and Shinichiro tells him Black Dragon is first and foremost for Mikey. Izana becomes Black Dragon's leader and twists Black Dragon's essence and image. But Shinichiro doesn't do much to stop it – he doesn't really know how to connect to Izana, and he certainly doesn't know how to make Izana (who doesn't react when Shinichiro tries to talk to him about Emma) connect to Emma and Mikey (especially not with the current situation and the past few years)

But there's something deeper than this

Because that's it, what Izana made of the 8th generation is what could have been the 1st.

Izana acts just like Shinichiro could've acted if he didn't have Mikey (and it becomes even worse after Izana figures out he isn't related by blood to any of them). Discovering delinquency, going in it, getting beat up, trying to find connections, trying to find a way to make the anger and pain stop — without his father, Shinichiro gets into delinquency (he can still withdraw), without Mikey, Shinichiro falls even deeper (he cannot return from it).

And somewhere, Shinichiro doesn't want Izana (whom he failed, and failed again) and Mikey (who only sees Shinichiro as perfectly imperfect) to meet – first of all, because Izana will lose it, and second of all, because you can't convince me Shinichiro would be okay with Mikey finding out about any of his mistakes

Still, Shinichiro loves his brothers and his dream is to take care of S.S Motors the three of them together. If Izana wants a family related by blood, then he'll go find Izana's mother to the Philippines (did he succeed? Most likely not. But he got the two Babus – one for Mikey's upcoming birthday and the other for Izana once he'd have find a way to make up for last time, maybe)

His dreams are cut short as he finds death and karma and one question lingers in my mind —

Where the heck is Izana in the original timeline.

It was ✨speculation time✨

it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.

mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.

2023-24 ed year was so fucking chaotic and new&!...also my personal life had so many downs and downs like i wasn't prepared for any of that shit☠️❤️‍🩹 i just want finals to end so i can think through and put myself together💯 some mistakes were made and some mental breakdowns had occured but i learned from them and i think i will be start significantly better next semester 💪🏼💀👊🏼

hey y'all, anyone have any good stress relief tehniques or habits they'd like to share cuz I've been more stressed in the last 3 weeks then I was in the last 6 months

I’m sick of the drama about feminine Louis. They’re not trying to protect Louis at all, they’re just mad that for once a black man is being portrayed as soft and now they want to gatekeep the fics. But notice how when the reverse happens these blogs have NOTHING to say. Transparent ass bitches. I’m gonna write some loustat mpreg with bottom louis especially for these haters. Black fandom can’t have anything for themselves bc of people like this.

I’m not disagreeing anon. If anything, I support you.

Seeing so many people putting Azula and Zuko against each other bothers me a lot, because that's literally what Ozai did. How can you guys not see that? It's canon

Azula and Zuko were both terrible to eachother in multiple occasions (edit: actually, Azula was terrible to Zuko, but I didn't wanna get jumped by Azula stans so I made it seem like they were both bad. Sorry about that and thanks for correcting me), but they're both traumatized children fighting a war that started before they were even born. The war made them that way. Ozai made them that way

Azula was horrible to Zuko for most of his life, and that's canon. You can't deny it. But at the same time, it MOSTLY wasn't her fault

So, we know how Ozai clearly liked Azula more than Zuko did. But why is this? Zuko may not be as good as Azula in terms of bending, but he's not a bad bender. Ozai likes Azula more (not loves; likes) because she acts the way he wants her to act. She's cold, mean, calculating, manipulative and supports the Fire Nation. Zuko is nice, he asks too many questions, struggles with his emotions and can't seem to stfu (I know I sound mean saying that but that's literally canon. That boy cannot, for the love of god, shut his fucking mouth up)

Ozai made Azula be more like him. Zuko gets his kindness from his mother

And on the topic of Ursa, she canonically loves both of her children, even if she prefers Zuko due to him being less like their abuser. We never see her calling Azula a monster, besides of the scene where she says “What is wrong with that child?” OUTSIDE OF HEARING RANGE and right after Azula did something Bad™ (forgot what it was sorry). This is why I believe that Ursa never directly told Azula she feared her: Ozai told her she did. Ozai spent a lot more time with Azula than he did with Zuko, which was very easily an opportunity to poison her mind even more. And how did he do this?

By telling her everyone hated her.

He isolated her, made her cold and unforgiving, so that she wouldn't have any “weaknesses” like Zuko did. He used her as a means to abuse Zuko. He told her Zuko and Ursa were weak and that they both feared and hated her

Zuko would be right to be angry at Azula for treating him the way she did,but he still should know (and he DOES know, it was literally the main theme of his redemption arc; realizing that his abuser was the one at fault and not him) that the one at fault was Ozai. Same with Azula; it wasn't Zuko's fault nor Ursa's, Ozai is the one that willingly chose to destroy so many people's lives because he wanted power

And I'm pretty sure Zuko and Azula don't hate eachother like many people believe them to do. No, they love eachother, but ofc Ozai fucking ruined their relationship bc he ruins EVERYTHING

Zuko is sad that their relationship turned out to be that way. Zuko wants them to be better, to do better. Zuko wants them to be happy. But Zuko has also grown up with a version of Azula that could never make mistakes and that was mean af. Zuko won't be able to have a perfectly healthy relationship with his sister ever because of how he was made to think of Azula as perfect, and because Azula was made to think of him as weak

So, please, don't pit them against eachother. Don't compare the abuse they went through (seriously. Doing that is disgusting). Don't bring one of them down to make the other look like a little angel that does nothing wrong. They already suffer because of that enough in canon. Leave my babies alone

the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it

my favorite thing is when my little brother claims to be sick suddenly my parents go into panic mode and are all “oh well if you don’t wanna go to school that’s fine” and “aw you can go to the nurse if you need” but then whenever i get sick it’s “stop faking, you’re not staying home” even though i’ve been coughing up mouthfuls of phlegm for the last week and i feel like straight up ass and can’t even keep my eyes open

arasawa 'but are they You Know' can be so funny check this out. literally any scenario involving ichiban being nosy

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the thing about 9/11 is that it got used post facto to justify all sorts of hideous jingoistic shit but also it was a genuine devastating human tragedy and i really pretty deeply resent people's deciding that the—absolutely gross, don't get me wrong—way it's been culturally positioned justifies their making jokes about the event itself.

head in hands . things need 2 stophappening i need a break