#this is a guys READ THE FUCKING UNFINISHED TALES post
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hate people who have only read the lord of the rings and the hobbit and love to bitch about tolkien barely having any strong female characters
#HELLO FIRST OF ALL JUST BECAUSE EOWYN BECAME A HEALER DOESNT MAKE HER WEAK#arwen is stronger than all of y’all for her choice#galadriel is. galadriel.#but also like complaining about his works when you’ve only read some of them??#ICK#this is not a post about disliking people who have only read lotr/hobbit#this is a guys READ THE FUCKING UNFINISHED TALES post#that is all ty#tolkien#lotr#the hobbit#the silmarillion#the unfinished tales#ancalime#tar ancalime#morwen#morwen eledhwen#nienor#no owl#aerin#rian#erendis#aredhel#luthien#elwing#haleth#haleth of the haladin#finduilas#melian#out of tags 😔
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tuesday again 5/30/2023
all you can see is my hand over the back of the couch as i give a limp wrist flick of acknowledgement and point you toward the post ↓
listening
Smooth Jazz by GUPPY, a selfdescribed comedic punk band that makes secular guitar music with bedroom-pop overtones. said to myself out loud on my walk "this sounds gay" and whaddya know they are.
I’m listening to smooth jazz
In the parking lot outside of Joann’s Fabrics & Crafts
And I’m feeling like a dumb spazz
Because my mind is moving way too fast
i have had this exact experience at multiple joanns. the last bit of the song has been on loop in my head since uhh thursday when i was catching up with my spot/ify weekly recommended list. the tired, slightly ironic last-number-in-the-musical performance is really doing it for me
Jazz, baby!
That’s just jazz, baby
That’s just jazz
That’s just jazz, baby
In my brain, baby
So give me a lobotomy
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reading
raymond chandler's the long goodbye.
this book destroyed me. there is some BREATHTAKING racism even for 1953. it's one of the cruelest things ive ever read. it's a sucking chest wound of a book. i'm going to think about it for the rest of my life.
i'm not able to talk about chandler novels objectively.
i am partially grieving the incredibly fucked up shit that happens to marlowe in this book (i have no fucking clue how you even go on after that, but he does) and partially grieving that this is the last full novel and there aren't any more. i know the unfinished poodle springs was finished after chandler's death but! i do not care.
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watching
One-Eyed Jacks (1961, dir. Brando). widely available for free, pluto had the nicest copy but ads that weren't blockable. this is a film where the production is as much of a story as the actual film.
i don't actually know if i enjoyed this film or had a good time watching it. i don't know that i ever need to see it more than once.
it is artistically distinct, and i genuinely mean that as a compliment. it is a rare western-that-doesn’t-have-to-be-a-western, and such a weird artifact of a particular guy's career in a particular time.
surprisingly, this is a pretty okay western to watch if you happen to be a woman. katy jurado and pina pellicier are acting their GODDAMN hearts out. despite itself, the movie paints a very good portrait of a mother-daughter relationship and some goodass parenting. women make mistakes and don't die about it. nobody gets raped!!! the absolute lowest bar a western can possibly have. as a quick sidebar, it's not that i think movies should never address rape, it's that westerns always address it in a way that makes my stomach turn.
it is a slow-burning revenge that mostly takes place on a beach, but it also takes you in great uneven hurtling lurches toward its finale. it wants to have things to say about lies, revenge, and storytelling but cannot help but give itself a certain kind of ending. it can only push so far. it is fascinatingly earnest, horny, and earnest about being horny.
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playing
grim fandango remastered (2015, originally 1998) by double fine. the EPIC tale of CRIME and CORRUPTION in the LAND OF THE DEAD!!! critically acclaimed, what we would now call Mexican Gothic i think, but billed itself as a Aztec-inspired noir.
technical details: i am not totally impressed by this remaster bc it still looks pretty fucking janky in parts (things clipping through other things, heavily pixelated stuff despite being on the highest quality settings, etc)
why i bounced off: i did not play video games growing up, and have not played many point-and-click games. despite this i do like walking simulators (the modern successor to point-and-click) and visual novels. i think bc i do not have the point-and-click background and am not playing this through nostalgia-tinted glasses for 1998, four years after i was born, the way the design team of this game expect the general population to solve problems and the way i personally solve problems are severely mismatched. i have spent about ten hours playing this game (in four acts) getting to about halfway through the third act, and i would say about half that time has been looking for/at guides or making up lost progress bc i didn't save. this is a tremendously frustrating way to spend free time.
what i did love: however, it does Look. i ADORE this tile and want it in my home. in a cutscene in this little automat there are not one not two not three but FOUR reflective surfaces. they're not real-time, of course, but i did say "what the FUCK" out loud. it's also hysterically fucking funny! many short sharp barks of laughter! i am greatly amused at how a game about skeletons invented permadeath! both the writing and the voice performances are so fucking top notch. i understand why this is a beloved classic and im glad a remastered edition exists in the world, but i do not anticipate finishing this game bc i don't get a lot of joy out of having to closely follow a guide to progress.
how i found this: it was free on GOG several years ago, i wanted to play something this weekend that was compatible with lying down on the couch and used a maximum of one finger for the controls.
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making
i cannot show any of the extremely doxxable embroidery samples that will zhuzh up this cardigan for a work event in mid-june, but i can show how i tacked the buttonband down. this is somewhat indifferent stitch spacing but it stays down and is invisible at a distance from the right side, and that's what matters. gotta de-pill this also but that's a bit boring for a tuesdaypost
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Meet The Mods
We're Happy To Have You~
This is an extension of our introduction post for Unminecrafts Your Fic that goes over the mods helping to run this blog as well as a couple details you might find interesting about this blog.
First and foremost, we'll usually be avoiding "first page fics". What this means is that usually we'll be avoiding fics with the most kudos are their tags since those fics already get a lot of attention and we'd like to share some of that attention with smaller and newer fics. We will make exceptions for fics that are requested though! I.e. we'd usually avoid fics like Shells In The Foam or Passerine unless requested.
Secondly, this blog is centered around positivity. While we will be "reviewing" fics as mentioned in our pinned post we won't be rating them. Reviews are just extended recommendations. They'll often include spoilers and our personal thoughts about the fics, but the primary aim is to provide positivity and compliments for these authors.
Third, we don't review unfinished fics. We will recommend them happily and talk about them as in progress pieces, but fics that are in progress will be clearly noted as such considering we can't talk about them as a finished work. Works that become boundary breaking will have their recommendation immediately removed the moment the mods become aware of it. Discontinued fics fall under the same category as unfinished and will be noted with the tag #UYFdiscontinuedorinprogress.
Now, on with the Mods
Mod Tommy
Pronouns: Any Neo's
Tag Specialization: discduo, bitterduo, awesamfam, rocketduo, souptrio, superhero aus, space aus, and will handle the fics with dark/serious/or potentially triggering topics most of the time,
About: Hey! Mod Tommy here. I'll focus on anything with hefty amounts of angst! I'll probably tend to keep any reviews short and sweet, but if you need something to read that makes you go "Woah, that was fucked up" I'm your guy!
Mod Ranboo
Pronouns: she/her
Tag Specialization: crimebois, angelduo, octopusduo, dadbur, mer aus, fairy tale aus, kristin content,
About: Hello hello! It's Mod Ranboo :D I'm really excited to help give writers the positive attention they all deserve! I plan on using my English degree to the fullest extent to point out all the amazing things people create! I'll be focusing on anything angst with a happy ending, and especially things like mer aus and fairy tale retellings! Side note UNFRIDGE THINE MUMZA!
Mod Tubbo
Pronouns: Genderfluid, stick to She/They/He
Tag Specialization: bedrock bros, alliumduo, benchtrio, winged tommy, familiar tommy, grian content, fae aus, foster aus,
About: Your friendly Mod Tubbo here! As is indicative of my name I'm here to help inspire chaos, but also action. A lot of longer form rec and review posts are going to be mine. I adore requests so if you have a specific fic you'd like me to take a look at feel free to send it in as an ask! I love bullying Tommy, love turning him into nonhuman species, and the more unhinged your plot ideas the better.
Mod Purpled
Pronouns: They/Them
Tag Specialization: Paranormal and ghost aus, mystery fics, werewolf aus
About: Hello, mod Purpled here o7 I adore fics centered around a mystery waiting to be solved, especially if it's paranormal or supernatural related. Small town horror or magic with a sense of dread or longing? Sign me up. I want to share what makes fics so enjoyable, and help uncover some absolute bangers that are often overlooked.
#meet the mods#mcytlostandfound#recsandreviews#helpusmakemorewords#ramblingnonsensecuscringeisdead#bigkidscreamingcorner#UYF mod tommy#UYF mod ranboo#UYF mod tubbo#UYFdiscontinuedorinprogress#UYF mod purpled
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One, Two Punch
Pairing: Ben Miller x Reader, kinda. Flirtationship more than a relationship
Rating: Somewhere between T and M?
Summary: After knowing Ben for barely two months, you’re invited to attend one of his fights.
Length: ~2k words
Warnings: Swearing, mentions of alcohol, vague descriptions of legally sanctioned violence, vague mentions of masturbation.
Taglist: @firefeatherx @goldenhour-goldenboy @mandoplease @mylifeliterally @phoenixhalliwell @havenforafrazzledmind @living-reminder @beatriz-silva-00 @pascalz @worldominatorx @givemethatgold @agirllovespancakes @lilacyennefer @dignityneeded @veuliee @briskywalker @the-bird-suit @mapache-lector @skylyknightly (let me know if you want to be +/-)
Note: For the anon from yesterday. If you see this, I love you and if you want me to keep posting old fics, please let me know.
The day you’re invited to watch one of Ben Miller’s fights, it feels like a rite of passage.
The boys go quiet when he drops the question. So quiet, in fact, you wonder if you mistook the invitation for a marriage proposal. Suddenly extremely interested in their respective drinks, they sneak glances in your direction in the moments following. Ben’s eyes, clear and bright and… have they always been that blue? They root you to the spot, pinning you without him needing to lift a finger.
“Sure,” you say, shrugging off the odd looks and your own uncertainty. “Sounds fun.”
The fight isn’t for another three weeks, but Will practically has to drag Ben out of the bar by the collar whilst claiming that prep starts now. Once the door is soundly closed behind the Millers, Santiago and Frankie take turns explaining that Ben has never invited anyone to his fights. Well, not for a while, at least. They run you through what you’re sure is an abbreviated version of their last experience with this.
Long story short: he invited one of his previous flings to a fight, she left before the match ended with nothing more than a text letting him know that she didn’t think it would work, and they never heard from her again.
You swipe a finger down the glass–it’s started sweating condensation since they started talking. You rub the moisture between your fingertips, then take a sip, welcoming the burn as the tequila warms its way down your throat. “Why are you telling me this?”
“Because it’s a big deal,” Santiago says. “A big fucking deal.”
You get it, they’re more than friends to Ben. They’re his teammates, the people he trusts more than anyone in the world to watch his back. You suppose that’s precisely what they’re doing, now. You suspect that if you were to bail out like the previous girl did, they wouldn’t let you off so easy.
Not that you would. It’s just… a lot to take in.
“I get it,” you say with a smile. “I break his heart, you break my neck, right?”
Frankie lifts his glass in a toast. “I knew you were a fast learner.”
–
The following Tuesday evening finds you knocking on Ben’s door for your usual burger run. It’s probably too early to call it a tradition, but you’re relationship with Ben, thus far, is comprised primarily of spontaneous adventures such as this. Every Tuesday for the past three weeks you’ve gotten together to eat greasy foods and talk and laugh together. So it’s worth a shot, right?
Except when Will opens the door.
“Hey, Y/N,” he says cordially, if not a bit bewildered.
“Y/N!” you hear Ben’s unmistakable voice call from further within. “Come in!”
Will steps aside, vacating enough space for you to pass. You step over the threshold, your eyes immediately landing on the small dining table to your right. And the… grain bowl he’s eating?
“I see you’ve already got dinner taken care of,” you note with a small laugh. You’re more entertained by the sight than you are upset by the fact that burger night will have to wait.
Ben’s face falls, and his fork clatters to the table. “Shit,” he scrambles to pull his phone from his pocket. “Shit.” He unlocks it, hits a few buttons, then slides it back into his jeans.
A few seconds later, your own phone’s screen lights up with an unread text. You open it and read:
have 2 take a rain check on burgers 2nite. wills got me on this ‘clean eating’ diet before the fight.
You hold up the phone for him to see, “Got it.”
Ben says a bit sheepishly, “Forgot to send it. Selective memory. Sorry.”
As much as you want to be sad that your night out has been postponed, you’re more touched by the fact that of all the things on his mind, that was one of them.
“He needs to get into work mode,” Will fills the silence as Ben shovels a heap of quinoa and chicken into his mouth and makes a show of gagging on it. “Gotta keep him focused on eating better and training.”
You think about the pack of beers you’d bought and stored in your fridge. “I take it that means no alcohol, either.”
“Nope,” the brothers answer in unison–Ben with notably more disdain than Will.
“I was winning fights before you put me on this diet, you know,” Ben grumbles around his food.
“Doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t be taking care of yourself when your putting that much wear and tear on your body.” Will points at his younger brother. “Eat.”
“You’re worse than mom.”
“Eat.”
Ben groans and heaps some more food into his mouth. “I’m not worried,” he says half to himself.
You see it then. In his eyes, he’s focused and somewhere that isn’t quite here. You look at the hard lines around his mouth and suddenly wish you could take your thumb and run it across his lower lip, card your fingers through the unruly hair he dutifully keeps under the protection of his hat. One look at his face, and you know his mind has wandered somewhere similar.
Want, need, desire, call it what you will. All that and more churns in your gut.
Will clears his throat, pulling you two back from where you teeter on the edge of the gutter and back to the present. “We’ll worry about it when it’s time to worry about it. There’s nothing we can do right now except prepare. It’ll turn out how it turns out. And if Ben does what he’s supposed to, it’ll turn out well.”
“Win that fight, Benjamin,” you tease, turning back towards the door. “And we’ll get those burgers.”
You feel his eyes burning into your back long after the door shuts behind you.
–
You don’t feel ashamed of the moment you and Ben shared. That nagging in your chest is a far cry from shame. You’d outgrown that long ago. The look you’d shared, the thoughts you had and knew he had were mild in comparison to what you knew you wanted.
You knew the look in his eyes, that unspoken promise for something more–something you completely, unabashedly craved–and your carefully placed tethers would fray and fray and fray until there was nothing to hold you back. He didn’t need distractions right now, you wanted to respect that.
That didn’t make it any less miserable.
It only takes three days before it grows so unbearable that you take matters into your own hands.
Overheated and nearly frantic, you toss and turn in bed that night until your tank top and short clink and chafe against your slightly sweaty body. You try counting the minutes until sleep takes you. But minutes turn to hours with no sign of relief.
Need crawls over you, slithering under your skin. It doesn’t take much to imagine his face, that it’s his hands on your skin, inside–
But that release only leaves you hollow–unsatisfied.
You make a point to keep your distance for the remainder of that week. Until the day of the fight, actually. By then, the tether is pulled so tight that you fear it might snap at one wrong move.
Later, you remind yourself. That unfinished business will come later.
–
The air is thick with the mingled scents of liquor, body odor, and several variants of cheap cologne. And it’s so hot. People move around you in groups, and the floor beneath your feet is sticky from some spilled drink that hadn’t been properly cleaned. The heavy beat of a rock song slam against your chest, and as you look around you think you see more tattoos than skin, more leather than jeans, and more filled cups than empty hands.
You’re not scared. Far from it, actually. The energy of the crowd feeds your own, the music heightening your excitement as you follow Frankie and Santiago through the crowd and squeeze yourselves into an open spot right in front of the cage. One of them, you can’t tell who, shoves a drink into your hand and tells you its on them.
You hold the beverage, but don’t partake as the referee begins to announce the next fighter. The first thing you see is a flash of red shorts.
Perhaps it’s for show, watching Ben make his way from the door to the cage, swaying his shoulders with each step, his eyes locked on it and nothing else as heavy metal blasts around you. You don’t exist to him. Not right now. Regardless, heat pools in your stomach.
He takes is sweet time peeling off his shirt and stretching his shoulders. He turns away from you so Will can help him into his gloves, allowing you a full view of that gloriously muscled back. You admire each line of muscle, each movement he makes as he turns and enters the ring. To hell with all the people around you. You want that. You want that over you, under you, all around you. You could touch him everywhere at once and it still wouldn’t be enough to satisfy you–
His eyes find you in the crowd, and he winks.
If it was socially acceptable to swoon, you might have.
Maybe you did, anyway.
–
The fight itself doesn’t last long. At one point you set your untouched drink down, then promptly kick it over when you leap to your feet to cheer.
Even then, you can’t help but clinch every time someone lands a hit, skin reddening and bruising, breathing labored and shallow until a hand is being lifted in the air in victory. It’s Ben’s.
–
You wait outside the lockers with the guys. Santiago is weaving a tale from his days in Brazil that you’re only half paying attention to. You remain standing off to the side, sipping a lukewarm water, watching.
It takes a while for Ben to come out. The blood has been cleaned from his face and, remarkably, the only lasting mark is a purple-blue bruise above his cheekbone. But he’s grinning ear to ear, and he pulls first Santiago, then Frankie into a bear of a hug. You see his face over their shoulders, how hie eyes still veritably glow with the same energy you’d seen in the ring.
You push yourself from the wall you’re leaning against, and step up to them. Ben’s eyes meet yours as if by gravitational pull.
You’d felt drawn to him since the day you’d met. But this is like meeting him for the first time. A dim hallway. The crowd slowly draining out from the gymnasium. You, holding a cup of piss-poor excuse for water, and him.
The boys quietly let Ben know that they’ll catch up with him later, and melt into the meandering crowd.
The shift in his expression makes it achingly clear what Ben wants. His gaze lingers, now. His shoulders seem broader as he steps towards you, his gym bag over one shoulder, his other arm extended for you.
“Let’s go.” His voice is different in the aftermath of the fight. You can see the adrenaline still pumping in the way his eyes lock on you.
You find your way to his body, and let him guide you outside. His hand sneaks around your waist and under your shirt, his fingers digging into the skin above your hipbone. He guides your steps with a fierceness, and as soon as you make it back to his car, his hand wanders lower, lower.
He tosses his bag into his car, refusing to let you go. Another swift motion has you pinned between the heat of his body and the side of the car.
He’s in front of you, caging you in, his fingers lingering at the waistband of your leggings, his shirt damp from the shower he just took, hair dangling over his forehead. You clamp your hands down on his biceps, digging your fingers into skin and muscle and him.
You barely have time to register it all before his lips crash into yours, and the empire of your longing comes crashing down.
Yes, you could stand to be with this for a little longer.
#triple frontier#triple frontier fanfiction#ben miller#benny miller#ben miller x reader#garrett hedlund#garrett hedlund fanfiction
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Some time ago (and by “some time” I mean a long ass time, oops) Kate (@pumpkinpaperweight) posted an analysis of gold rush by Taylor Swift tracing parallels to Agatha, which this post is clearly inspired by.
(Go check that one out after you finish reading this post, it’s really good.)
Ever since, I’ve had an entire tagatha x taylor playlist/unfinished post that I don’t think will ever see the light because I’m too lazy to actually finish it. But now I have some spare time and I noticed that,,,, invisible string wasn’t on it.
And that's cause, well, despite the obvious gold fingerglow motif which is very tagatha … you already read the title of the post. It’s more like my own version of of what I would have had happen post-otk (will my epilogue version ever see the light, I wonder) than anything else, but this is my account, in which I am correct all the time and accept no criticism so,,,,
Green was the color of the grass where I used to read at Centennial Park
I used to think I would meet somebody there
Basically, these first two lines are about how Sophie’s egocentrism isolated her and kept her from making genuine connections with people from very early on, until she becomes friends with Agatha and even after that.
Okay, so have you guys ever seen those tiktoks that are like ‘13-year-old me, in black jeans and sneakers, at the beach, reading a book mYstERioUsLy so that when Harry Styles showed up he’d know I’m dIfFeRenT'?
This is the energy I get here.
Like, Sophie in the start of book one doing all those ‘good deeds’ so set herself apart in the eyes of the school master hoping that he’d bring her to the school where she would meet *drumroll* The One.
Most of us have, at some point (I hope, otherwise it was just me and that would be so embarassing), tried and failed to channel that main-character-energy to manifest ourselves into a story much more interesting than whatever is going on in your life at the moment. I feel like at the very core, that’s sort of what Sophie was trying to do? It’s a very juvenile feeling and shows just how little Sophie knew about love overall. Love as it is in fairytale books, as opposed to as it actually is.
She thought herself as above everyone else and thought she was entitled to true, unconditional love, which ended up holding her back and isolating her from everyone in the town, save for Agatha, give or take.
This mindset is what really keeps her from seeing Tedros (and Agatha, and everyone else) as people, rather than characters in her story, and actually connecting with them on a non-superficial level.
Teal was the color of your shirt when you were 16 at the yogurt shop
You used to work at to make a little money
I don’t think this part needs much explaining?
On surface level, Nicola canonically started working at her father’s pub at a very young age to help with family expenses.
If you think about it a little more and contrast it with the previous line, though, it highlights the differences between Sophie and Nicola:
Nic works to help her family, learning responsibility and duty, while Sophie barely ever did anything for her father, both out of vanity (and a superiority complex) and out of spite (which is honestly undeserved all the way up to book 3, when Stefan let Callis die and fucking tried to blame Agatha for returning without Sophie and then guilt-tripped her into going to save her, after which he was dead to me lol). Sophie grew with a princess-like mindset, despite being just slightly better off than Nic, given all the villagers save from Callis and Agatha (due to them being outcasts) seem to have a similar income (with the exception of the beggar which I don’t understand and am probably overthinking about, but honestly, it’s a impossible to leave town and people die on the mill all the time, there's no college or whatever, did none of these assholes offer the beggar a job- I’m getting carried away), while Nicola has to shoulder most of the responsibilities due to her dad being sick.
Also, given the *misogyny* I’d be surprised if Nic didn’t have to do all the housework, as the only girl in her house.
I doubt that the uniform of the pub was teal and given the book timeline she wouldn’t have been 16 in any instances in which Sophie and her met in Gavaldon, but I digress.
Time
Curious time
Gave me no compasses
Gave me no signs
Were there clues I didn't see?
Also kinda self-explanatory in a way?
On one interpretation, it takes Sophie an awful long time to mature and grow into an okay person. She lashed out after Tedros’ rejection because her desire was, when you get down to it, to be loved, even though she didn't understand what love was or how to go about it. She was already loved both by Agatha and by her father but she couldn't see it because the idea of love (romantic, loud, grand-gesture) was so embedded into her, but the clues to it were there all along.
On another, you could argue that Nicola also did not see this coming at all, specially if you consider canon!Nicola rather than fanon!Nicola (why would you, but okay, ignore my Hunter post, go on, stomp on my feelings). Nicola, whose purpose in TCY was to be the new hort-love-interest no one asked for, ending up with her *gag* love-rival? Unexpected, iconic, never done before (never actually done in canon), amazing, mind-blowin-
Bad was the blood of the song in the cab on your first trip to LA
You ate at my favorite spot for dinner
Bad Blood was a smash hit on Taylor’s career, playing on the radio non-stop during the 1989 era, arguably her peak in terms of mainstream pop and radio plays.
The Tale of Sophie and Agatha was the equivalent in this context, as it was all the rage in Gavaldon after book 3; Sophie’s persona as the Dean Of Evil is solidified and everyone in The Woods knows who she is and read her tale, including Nicola (who already knew who she was, but now had a another version of her to compare to the version she already knew, which hm, did not favour Sophie either way).
I think it’s kind of fascinating how parasocial relationships work in the context of SGE because like, the storian is there as an omniscient narrator, but it doesn’t write everything. Like, does it just expose what the people in the tale feel and think only if it suits the plot or do the tales look just like the SGE books, in some sort of fourth wall break or is it like an actual children’s fairytale, where you just get told actions and have to sort of assume motivations? How does that affect public opinion? I don’t think most people would be too keen on stanning Sophie after reading The Tale Of Sophie and Agatha (cause damn, Sophie does a lot of questionable shit there) but canonically, they do, despite her being the villain, which is something I have opinions on (do I ever not have opinions on things?).
Like, sure there would be Nevers stanning her, but honestly, if they read the tale, wouldn't they be more likely to stan Hester or even Agatha? Cause Sophie almost got both Evers and Nevers killed, doomed everyone in The Woods for a guy, and was overall a horrible person with no regard for actual Good or Evil as balanced things? Isn’t this why The Coven sided with Agatha, like, I don’t get it- Is it stanning out of fear? Cause that’s the only sort of explanation I have, specially for people in Gavaldon, but that’s something I’ll go deeper into in another time.
Anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if Nic’s first class at SGE was about The Tale Of Sophie and Agatha, given she was originally placed in Evil, due to Dovey and Sophie’s bet, and Evil’s school curriculum was under Sophie’s control, so if you think those classes were anything other than the Sophie-Show, you are wrong.
Now, on to headcanon territory, wouldn’t it be poetic if during her first lunch Nic sat at that tree in the middle of the clearing where Agatha and Sophie used to sit? Not only for ship reasons, but the tree is right in the center, which could relate to how Nic was supposed to be half/half?
Bold was the waitress on our three-year trip getting lunch down by the Lakes
She said I looked like an American singer
It’s a real shame that I don’t remember most of TCY. (But is it really?)
This is kinda of my own personal interpretation of what the OTK epilogue should have been like (and so, it's kind of a spoiler for my ever unfinished rewrite sksnsksn).
Imagine if, instead of that horrid school wedding (kill me now, please), they actually held the respective funerals for all the people lost in the Camelot power-struggle (I’ll take a school funeral, but don’t come at me with school weddings or I’ll lose my shit).
Tedros and Agatha, poor traumatized children, are on their way back to Camelot to try and get stuff back under control and do royal things. Sophie is pretty much on her own, with the remaining faculty of the school, as well as the new kids (yeah, Hort’s staying dead, boo hoo, I’m not sorry sbfhbsdb). Nicola will be returning home to Gavaldon soon, since the school schedule is already messed up beyond repair and everyone is taking some time off anyway. She was only staying there until christmas originally, so might as well.
Public opinion on the main trio is kinda weird at the moment:
Tagatha suffered a coup, then a while laterTedros killed the brother of his usurper, whom had been more popular than him, and well, they do tell people that Japeth killed Rhian, but it’s not like they have receipts? Like, there’s no way to fact check that. They could very well have killed Rhian, we, as bystanders, wouldn’t know? You can bet rumors like these don’t just go away.
And Sophie?
Well, I think public opinion on Sophie was already fear-based rather than coming from a place of admiration for her acts. People aren’t sure of her alliances anymore, and don’t really know how to behave around her so they mainly avoid her. Now that Dovey and Hort are dead and everyone else is resuming their quests, she’ll be pretty much on her own to deal with the aftermatch, which is not only sad, but also probably not healthy. She considers staying with Agatha, but she doesn’t want to add more scandal to the Camelot situation.
So she decides to go back to Gavaldon. Not permanently tho. Just to visit her father and take some time off to decide who could balance her well enough to be appointed as Dean Of Good.
She'd choose Agatha, but you know, Agatha is kinda busy. Plus, it'd be good to see her father. Watching most of your parental figures drop like flies really puts things into perspective and maybe (just maybe) there's still something to salvage there.
Not many people know she's at Gavaldon, and that's on purpose. For once, Sophie just wants to be left the fuck alone, so she just tries to lay low and not bring unnecessary attention to heself. It's so unlike her to do so that when she walks in to have lunch at Nicola's pub, no one but Nicola even recognizes her.
And if Nicola keeps her company and accompany her on walks, well, it’s no one’s business. Bonding time? Bonding time.
Time
Mystical time
Cutting me open, then healing me fine
Were there clues I didn't see?
You know what these kids need after this Camelot shitstorm? Therapy, that’s what.
There’s no therapy in The Woods, so friendship will simply have to do. Please sir, let these kids heal.
Nicola was dragged to SGE while her father was sick and knew no one there personally, then got dragged again, now into a power struggle where she almost died multiple times, dated a guy, broke up with a guy and I can’t even remember what else but that sounds like a stressful time considering how close together the events from TCY are compared to TSY. What does she want to do now? Will she become a knight? Will she remain in Gavaldon? Does she have to finish school? How have Hunter and her dad been? Whatever went down with her brothers? Why was she important in the first place? Lots to reflect and self-search.
And Sophie. Oh Sophie.
Sophie fell once again for a ‘get-love-’quick’ scheme, not once, but twice! That is not something easy to look in the face and forgive yourself for.
With Rhian, it backfired by hurting everyone she loved, and after the shit Rafal pulled on her, she should have known better. But can you blame her? It’s not like the Rafal thing left her unscratched: you try being in an abusive relationship with a predator, see if you don’t get some trauma. And instead of doing the hard thing and keeping up the work she had been doing on herself she threw her progress out the window the moment Rhian said what she wanted to hear!
After that went belly-up, she at least managed to help her friends, but then later that backfired and she got brain-washed (are we gonna talk about this? disturbing much?). Then, she got fragile enough for her to attempt to find purpose in her life within Hort’s feelings for her, even if she didn’t actually reciprocate those feelings, simply because she was sure of them and they were familiar.
And later, even Hort was taken away from her.
(Probably for the best, given their attachment had been… precarious, to say the least.)
Therapy, I’m telling you.
A string that pulled me
Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar
Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire
Chains around my demons
Wool to brave the seasons
One single thread of gold tied me to you
These two would be so good for one another.
I think that being alone when you’re going through something is literally the worst you can do, but when you have someone who just…. gets it, you know? They were there too. They understand. It forms a connection.
After OTK, both of them (Sophie mostly) have enough on their plates for them to go down a dark path to a horrible place. But they don’t. Cause they are here for each other and have their support system to help them.
Does that translate into late nights drinking together after the pub shuts down? Maybe. Keeping tabs on each other to make sure they’re sleeping and eating right? Yes. Keeping secrets and confessions? You got it.
And then my friends, begins the pining.
Cause, you know, they’re just gals being pals, gals being gay- wait what.
Nicola probably comes to terms with it first, but thinks Sophie is not interested in her like that (she also suspects that Sophie only sees her as Agatha’s stand-in and will drop her eventually once Agatha is no longer in such high demand.) Sophie is, in classic Sophie-fashion, neck-deep in denial, she’s not a lesbian right? she’s boy crazy, she’s not a lesbian-
Except she never felt like this with any of those boys. The only comparison she has is what she feels for Agatha, this feeling of being heard and seen and understood, but-
But Sophie doesn’t want to kiss Agatha.
And in retrospect, she never wanted to kiss anyone like this either. Tedros who, Rafal who, Rhian who, Hort who, these bitches could never.
Eventually they attend the official tagatha wedding, HELD AT THE CASTLE, as each other’s plus-ones, and well, maybe consider checking my eventual OTK-epilogue for more on this, once it eventually comes out.
Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart
Now I send their babies presents
Very self-explanatory, Tedros may be Sophie’s favorite ex, but he’s still an ex and they will be killing each other if left unchecked for two long unsupervised.
Nicphie as the tagatha baby godparents. Please, YES.
I’m not gonna go into detail because children make me uncomfortable, I wish this was a joke, haha, but yes, Sophie and Nic pic the presents together and they attend the baby shower together. Are they dating, are they just married but don’t know it yet? I wonder. They're just together and no one really knows what's going on.
Gold was the color of the leaves when I showed you around Centennial Park
Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven
You know what’s funny? I didn’t tell you anything between the wedding and the baby shower. Remember how there was an opening for Dean of Good?
Yeah, too late to send in your resumes, position is already filled.
Sophie shows Nic the ropes of being Dean, or at least that’s how she’ll present it, but they’re still sort of figuring it out together. And that's okay.
They spend summers traveling around, christmas in Gavaldon, new years in Camelot and all is well. Their fingerglow colors now match. But it’s, unfortunately not gold.
Time
Wondrous time
Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies
And it's cool
Baby, with me
Yeah, it’s fucking purple.
I can’t remember if Nic has a canon fingerglow color, but I don’t really care much for canon, do I? I just really like the imagery of it, so it’s blue and pink mixed together. Because, you know I’m a symbolic bitch.
And isn't it just so pretty to think
All along there was some
Invisible string
Tying you to me?
Anyway, I am correct, this is the post.
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I’ve been writing a Reddie fantasy creature / AU but I’ve got so far with it and I’m running out of steam, so instead of forcing it and not enjoying it, I’m just going to post what I’ve got so far ! I really enjoyed writing what I did though. One day I hope I’ll finish it and post it on AO3, but I might just stick it in a collection of unfinished stories at some point~
The idea was inspired by a prompt on Instagram and the old wives tale that cats can see ghosts - they say that when cats are looking really intensely at seemingly nothing, they’re really seeing a ghost. So each of the Losers would be a different fantasy creature, with Eddie being a cat that was a witch’s familiar, (but when they leave their witch they’re cursed with a human form to show that they’ve broken their commitment) and Richie’s a ghost that only he can see and touch. (He’s really just Actual Richie caught in the Deadlights, crossing partially over into another universe for a little while, which is why he’s all ghostly, but he has no memory of the world he’s come from, feels like the others are strangely familiar, and he can’t leave Mike’s bar.)
It was really self-indulgent (as all my AUs are) ahaha
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Eddie heaved a sigh as he all but fell onto the bar stool. It was a testament to how far he’d walked in the last few days, and how sick he was of camping, that he didn’t even care that the stool creaked noisily at his weight, and that his travelling cloak seemed to stick to the wood as he shuffled to try and make himself more comfortable. (To no success.) (No, his ass wasn’t bony, he was just going to blame it all on the terrible design of flat, hard seats that do nothing for either comfort or alignment of the spine.)
There was a man behind the bar, wiping a metal flagon with a rag, and Eddie desperately tried to not think of the rapid multiplication of bacteria within damp cloth. The bartender had long elven ears, dark skin, and an easy smile that he flashed at Eddie as he made his way over. His expression was open and friendly, and he said, “What can I get for you, traveller?”, in a deep, melodic tone of voice that made Eddie immediately want to offload his whole life story instead of what he wanted to drink. He thankfully managed to keep a lid on his lifetime of trauma and mistreatment and instead replied, “Glass of milk, thanks,” in what he hoped was the confidence of someone used to sitting in bars and ordering drinks and definitely wasn’t travelling alone for the first time in their life.
If he expected a reaction to ordering a glass of milk from a bar, he didn’t receive any, and the bartender just smiled and nodded. “Coming right up,” he said in his honey-smooth voice as he turned away.
Eddie pulled down the hood of his travelling cloak and sighed in relief as his pointed cat ears sprang free from beneath the material. He rummaged within the leather bag around his hip for a small bottle and pulled out the tiny cork with a satisfying pop. There wasn’t much of the potion left, he thought reticently, and the only witch he knew he’d left a long way back from here... But he had to keep his hands clean. Eddie frowned and his tail swished as he poured a few drops of the bright blue liquid onto his hands, then rubbed them vigorously before he stoppered the bottle once more and stowed it away again. The bartender still hadn’t returned yet, and nobody else seemed to be paying him any attention, so he licked his palms and drew them down the velvety soft fur on both of his ears. That felt better.
There were only five other customers that Eddie could see – all playing a game of cards around a large table in the corner of the room. The building wasn’t especially big, so he could hear snippets of their good-natured heckling to each other from his seat, with one voice significantly louder than the others. Eddie placed his elbows on the counter as he tried to get a better look at them – but he felt something wet and cold seep through the thin fabric of his cloak as soon as his elbow touched the surface, and he snatched his arm back with a soft hiss, flattening his ears and nearly losing his balance on the stool. He glared down at the wood, as if it had personally offended him, and then returned his attention to the others.
Only four of the five were sitting at the table with a hand of cards. Nearest to Eddie was a Satyr, judging by the dark brown furred goat legs and the two shining, curved horns on his head. He had neatly trimmed facial hair and wore an openly worried expression (he didn’t seem particularly good at bluffing). Next to him was a man sitting ramrod straight in his chair (good posture, Eddie noted) with sandy brown curly hair, looking shrewdly over his glasses at the rest of the group. Every so often two huge tawny coloured feathery wings would twitch behind him where they were folded in against his back. A woman next to him winked at the Satyr as she said something that Eddie didn’t catch, while her bright red hair flashed like a flame as she tilted her head back and laughed, revealing two long fangs. The only other male at the table gestured for quiet and examined his cards more carefully. He also had two horns on his head, protruding just under his greying hairline, but they were obsidian black, long and thin, and matched the thick scaly tail swishing back and forth across the floorboards while he thought. Eddie blinked in surprise. It was the strangest group he’d ever seen.
The only other person there chattered excitedly behind the Dragon and interrupted Eddie’s observations. He whistled loudly.
“Oh, Big Bill’s got an amazing hand. Nobody fall for his bluffs, he’s lying through his teeth. Guys, c’mon!” The guy gestured violently toward ‘Big Bill’s’ cards and moved around the table, peering closely at the others’ hands. “Stanley. Stanley. Do not let Bill walk out of this place with all this money again. For me.”
Eddie couldn’t believe that this guy was providing such an obnoxiously loud running commentary on the game, and yet nobody was reacting. He moved around the table and practically leant his chin on the Vampire’s shoulder as he loudly read out her hand, but she didn’t even blink. He stood back to his full height (Eddie realised that he was tall) and folded his arms across his chest (tall and broad) and he heaved a huge sigh as he watched the others. (Tall and broad and sad.) Only then did Eddie notice how strange his clothing was – he’d never seen a shirt that shade of bright blue before. And there were small pink birds patterned all over it too. His black hair was messy and unkempt, and he had such strange looking glasses on. Maybe he was from a different Kingdom?
The dragon slammed his hand down with a raucous cheer and Eddie’s attention returned to the game. The others threw their cards onto the table with groans of disappointment.
“I fucking told you all! Jesus. I can’t believe you fell for Bill’s bluffing again. Or maybe you’re all just bad at cards,” the strange man mused, “we all know Benny Boy can’t keep a straight face to save his life…” He continued ranting whilst the others chatted amongst themselves and threw down bags of coins that the dragon scooped towards himself.
“Sorry to keep you.” The bartender’s sudden return shocked Eddie enough to make him jump. His ears flattened against his skull and he willed the fur on his tail to lie flat again before anyone in the room noticed it bushed up. Eddie knew he was scowling, but the bartender just smiled pleasantly and placed a glass of white liquid in front of him. “Fresh milk,” he announced.
Eddie looked down at the milk, back up at the bartender’s smile, and considered the amount of time he’d been gone for. “Fresh… as in… fresh milk?”
“Can’t get any fresher.”
Eddie gagged and pushed the glass away. “Pass.”
The bartender laughed heartily. “I’m kidding. I don’t keep milk in the bar, but my cabin’s not far from here and I grabbed some out of the larder. It’s fresh, but it’s been sterilized, don’t worry.” There was a bright gleam to his eyes that melted away most of Eddie’s irritation, but his tail (no longer looking like he got struck by lightning) still swished a little angrily behind him.
He took a tentative sip, spurred on by thirst and an innate feeling that this elf was trustworthy, and sighed with relief at the cold creamy taste that slid deliciously down his throat. He grabbed a few coins out of his leather bag and placed them on the bar, making sure his fingers didn’t touch any of the mystery liquid that he’d accidentally dipped his elbow in before.
“Thanks,” he said.
“You’re welcome, traveller. Hey, what’s your name anyway? Mine’s Mike.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes, took another sip of milk, and finally replied, “Eddie.”
“Well met, Eddie. Feel free to stay as long as you want, Maturin only knows I don’t get many visitors.” Mike went to move away but Eddie stopped him with a jerk of his head in the direction of the group in the corner.
“Hey, uh- interesting group over there.”
Mike smiled again, but this time it really tugged at the corners of his eyes. “They’re my favourite group of people in the whole of The Eight Kingdoms,” was all he said, as they rose from the table and made their way over. Which left Eddie just as clueless as before since his poor attempt at prompting hadn’t worked.
Mike laughed as they all took seats at the bar. “Don’t tell me, Bill won again.”
“Of course!” Bill crowed, his scaly black tail lifting into the air behind him. “If anyone can b-bl-bluff their way out of anything, it’s a writer. There was that whole m-m-murder mystery I wrote last year, set around a card game. I’ve been on a winning streak since th-then.”
“Ever humble, Big Bill!” The strangely dressed guy in the glasses laughed. “Yikes, man.”
“That means drinks are on Bill today,” the Vampire said, seemingly ignoring that comment, as she tapped the bar beside Eddie excitedly. “You want another, stranger? Bill’s paying with our hard-earned coin that he swindled from us.” She grinned and her fangs glinted in the candlelight.
“Uh…” Eddie started, unsure about the sudden acknowledgement of his presence.
“Sorry,” the Satyr said gently, in a pleasantly raspy kind of voice, “we get like this when we’re together.”
“Or some of us do anyway,” the man with the feathery wings added. The soft sound of rustling feathers followed his every movement as he took off his gold framed glasses. With his glasses off it made him look younger somehow, though his bird-like eyes were still piercing as he regarded Eddie with a slightly tilted head like a bird.
“I’m Ben,” the Satyr went on.
“-Sweet, sensitive Benny-Boy,” the glasses guy sighed.
“That’s Stan…”
“-My man, Stan the Man. Even if he could hear my jokes, he still wouldn’t laugh at them-”
“This is Bev…”
“-Nobody has the right to be this hot and not have a pulse-”
“And Bill.”
“-Good at everything in that kinda way that makes everyone want to follow everything he says, but also in the kinda way that makes me want to punch him in the face just a little bit.”
Eddie snorted an unexpected laugh and quickly tried to pass it off as a cough.
“Sorry- my name’s Eddie.”
At the chorus of ‘nice to meet you’s and ‘well met’s from the group Eddie was vaguely aware that the other man hadn’t been introduced at all, and that still nobody had reacted to any of his comments. Eddie couldn’t stop his eyes from glancing over, but he was already looking back, so their gazes locked for a second. Warmth sprang to his cheeks at the realisation he’d been caught. He pretended to cough again as he pointedly kept his eyes away, squirming in his seat with his embarrassment, and tried not to think about the confused expression he’d seen on the other man’s face as their eyes had met.
He focused on the realisation that none of them had drawn any attention to his cat ears. Although he’d already started figuring out that most of what Myra told him had been lies, it still stung to have it confirmed almost daily by every new experience. It was a sad, twisted truth that his own witch had been deliberately lying to him his whole life about everything.
He took another sip of milk and placed the glass back on the bar as he couldn’t help but let his attention wander back to the man from before, while the others all chattered and ordered drinks off Mike. His magnified dark eyes were opened wide behind his glasses as their gazes met again. Hadn’t he looked away at all? What was he staring at? His ears? Eddie’s tail twitched in a show of his irritation, wondering if he should take back everything he’d just been thinking. What was this guy’s deal? Well, if he was going to stare, so was he. Eddie defiantly lifted his chin and looked straight at him, willing him to make a comment. But the guy glanced around, as if checking there was nobody else around him that Eddie could be looking at. His eyes were still opened wide and his breathing sped up as he raised a slow and shaky hand to point to himself, raising his eyebrows as if to say, ‘…me?’. Eddie’s ears twitched and his own eyebrows pulled together sharply, as if to reply, ‘uh, yeah, who else?’.
“You can…” the guy started, then swallowed loudly and took a deep breath. “You can see me?”
Eddie felt something cold settle low in his gut, understanding beginning to finally dawn on him. “No,” he snapped.
“Holy fuck! You can see me!”
“No!” Eddie yelled loudly, jumping off the stool and hissing. “No, I can’t!”
“Yes you can! Yes you can! Holy shit! Fuck!”
“Eddie?” Mike asked gently. “Are you okay?”
The others looked at him warily, while Richie moved closer – seemingly caught somewhere between awe and relief.
“No- Yes! - I mean…”
Bill held his palms up as if calming a wild animal. “Hey, what’s going on?”
Eddie sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’ve gotta be kidding me that this is the one thing she didn’t lie about… how was I supposed to know… never thought I’d meet…”
“My name’s Richie!” the guy nearly yelled, excitement bursting out of his voice. “Richie Tozier. Hey look, you’ve gotta help me. This is insane,” he laughed wetly, and Eddie realised he was crying. “I can’t believe you can see me. I’ve waited so long to have somebody fucking, just, reply to me, man.”
(Can ghosts cry? Apparently so.)
“Eddie?” Mike repeated, as unaware as the others at the second half of the conversation that was going on.
The mood of the room had completely changed; the others were looking at him like Myra had always told him they would. A hot spike of shame ran through him and Eddie hissed softly at them, his ears lying flat. “I’m not bad luck.”
Bev shook her head, her expression sad. “Nobody said you are, honey, just calm down and tell us what’s going on.”
“You can see him, can’t you?” Stan spoke softly, but it cut through the chaos.
“Stan?! What the fuck, you can see me too?” Richie whirled on him and pointed an accusatory finger.
“You can see him too?” Eddie echoed.
“No. But I had my suspicions. Just, a voice I could hear sometimes. A glimpse of someone out of the corner of my eyes.” Stan ruffled his wings and folded his arms. “I figured this bar was haunted.”
“And you never said anything?” Richie wiped at his face. “I’ve been going crazy talking to everyone with absolutely nothing back this whole time and you knew I was here?”
“Wait, haunted? There’s someone else in the room?” Ben looked alarmed.
“Can someone explain what’s going on?” Mike looked between Eddie and Stan.
Eddie sighed and resisted the urge to massage his temples. “Cats can see ghosts,” he explained in a strained voice.
“Eddie here just became my new best friend, that’s what’s going on.” Richie sidled up to Eddie’s side so swiftly he didn’t have time to react before he had slung an arm over his shoulder.
Eddie hissed and ducked away but Richie was beaming. “You can feel me too?! Get back here! Hug me!”
“Not if you were the only ghost in the whole of the Eight Kingdoms!”
“So, there is a ghost?” Bill prompted.
“Can’t believe my bar’s haunted,” Mike mumbled.
#Reddie#Reddie Fanfiction#eddie x richie#IT fanfiction#my fanfiction#idk guys I really go off on a writing tangent sometimes#like what is this#IT stuff#but I had fun so that's the most important thing#right??? lmao
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for the quiet night in ask: how did Grima make his way into your heart? And why do you ship him with Eomer? I've been meaning to inquire about this for long hehe (also I love your theme! think this is the first time I see it)
I am so sorry, you’re getting an ESSAY.
I’ve been wanting to talk about my Grima feels FOR SO LONG.
HE SNAKED HIS WAY INTO MY HEART.
Um, tl;dr I have a soft spot for the bad guys who clearly have a complicated history with those they are opposing and I think Eomer/Grima have a fun opposites-attract dynamic and I love a good redemption story.
I don’t touch on literacy and Grima in this because that’s strictly the films and it’s worthy of it’s own post entirely.
-
I’m trying to think best how to break this all out, because it gets a bit long and rambly. I’m using both book and films for this, as a note. Since I tend to mash up different aspects of those Grima’s in my head, give the guy some eyebrows, and call it a day.
So, first off, his history. Now, we don’t really have anything to go on in canon here. All we know, in both book and film, is that Grima “was once a man of Rohan” (ROTK). In the book, Gandalf says: “This here, is a snake. To slay it [Grima] would be just. But it was not always as it is now. Once it was a man, and it did you service in its fashion.”
Grima evidently has served Rohan for some years at this point. We know that Theoden’s enchantment/possession began three years prior to TTT. In the books there is no possession. Theoden’s enchantment relies on the powers of words and their suggestions. Something Tolkien was well aware of carrying great weight and import in Anglo-Saxon culture. You tell a man he is old and infirm, he will become old and infirm.
I understand why Jackson went the possession route - explaining Anglo-Saxon engagement with galdorcraeft/witchcraft and the power of words etc. and how that influenced the development of Rohan in the span of like 7 minutes of screen time wasn’t happening. Possession works for the same purpose, but in a language the modern audience is familiar with - especially in visual mediums.
Grima is circa 40 when TTT happens, same age as Boromir for reference. So, let’s say he’s been an advisor for 10/12 years at this point. He has therefore been a good servant of the king longer than he’s been a traitor.
Hence, the outreach. And, in Brad Dourif’s wonderful acting, Grima’s clear desire to go home to his king. In the book it’s more subtle. Grima chucks the palantir out the window at Orthanc and it’s stated that he wasn’t sure who he was aiming for, Saruman or Gandalf, because he couldn’t decide who he hated more.
Honestly? Legit. I would also hate the guy who reduced me to “it” pronouns. But maybe that’s my gender identity stuff playing up ;)
(Granted, in the full quote Gandalf reverts back to “he”, for context. And I’ve said this before, in another post, that it makes sense for Gandalf and as a writer, I agree with Tolkien’s decisions for that scene.)
Now, for some speculation. Not that I haven’t spilled a tonne already. MORE SPECULATION. This time bringing you long term effects of bullying and never having loving relationships modelled for you! Because LOTR, at the end of the day, is all about trauma and how maybe not to deal with it.
So - motives.
We know Saruman’s motives. Indeed, he tells them to us in FOTRK: “[to] have power, power to order all things as we will, for that good which only the Wise can see” and to achieve “the high and ultimate purpose: Knowledge, Rule, Order; all the things that we have so far striven in vain to accomplish, hindered rather than helped by our weak or idle friends.”
Great. Super straight forward. And from the man’s own mouth.
Grima’s though, always come to us second hand. In the books it’s Gandalf telling us (Gandalf can mind read, so yes, maybe he is accurate). In the films, it’s Eomer guestimating.
But Grima never actually tells us, himself, what his motives are.
(a quick aside: if some dude is shoving me up against a pole and threatening me, and I hear someone walking by, of course I’m going to look over at them and it by no means indicates my desire to shag that person. Now, of course, we know from other scenes this is the case. I’m just saying. It’s natural to look over at the person walking by while you’re being jumped by the Third Marshal of the Mark who is twice your size. anyway.)
So what are his driving forces for treason? What made him go to this point of no return then keep going even when people offered him a way back.
It is important to note that his treason required him to forswear his oath to his liege lord. I don’t know how to convey what a big deal that would have been, in modern terms. But it would have been huge. Forswearing/reneging on oaths was a massive cultural taboo in Anglo-saxon [AS] England (and general, early medieval Europe).
And, as Rohan is based on AS England (I forget if Tolkien was cagey about this. He was sometimes a dumb shit and coy about things so was like “noooo it’s not STRICTLY AS England….but it’s clearly AS England with more horses and a light dusting of vikings and the Danelaw”), we can assume it carried as much weight for them as it did for the historical people.
(Indeed, it’s implied, if not directly stated, in the text what a big deal oath breaking is. Don’t say “oath breaking” too loud or the Silmarillion fandom will come out of the woodwork)
The big takeaway: BIG DEAL TO FORSWEAR YOUR OATH.
And he did it! Which is why I don’t buy the “it was because of Eowyn and like some nice jewels.” You don’t betray your country, you don’t forswear your oath to your king, simply because you’re hot on the king’s niece and Saruman might give you a raise.
And, as a liege man to Theoden, he was part of Theoden’s household so would have eaten, worked with, lived with everyone else in the household (Eomer, until he becomes Third Marshal; Eowyn; Hama; Theoden’s guards etc.)
So, you live with these people, eat with them, drink with them, spend all your time with them, for circa 10 years then you do a bunk and betray them? Something happened. I suspect it was years and years of things happening.
Overall, I think it to be a combination of things. As is usually the case for these sorts of crimes. In this case, a nice mix of fear, desperation, greed, resentment, anger and desire.
Fear/Desperation: So, to Grima’s mind the world is ending. Why wouldn’t he think this? Hell, even the Wisest and the Fairest (i.e. wizards & elves) think it’s ending. Why wouldn’t this poor bloke from some small country nearby to Mordor not think it an existential threat to an unimaginable degree?
Grima is sat here in Rohan looking at Mordor going "oh fuck" then who are the leaders left? Denethor (slightly bonkers) and Theoden (past his prime and lacklustre, like his father and grandfather).
This is not a man with a strong moral fiber. Or...any moral fiber, let’s be real. He does not have the fortitude to stick it out through hopeless situations. And it would have been hopeless to his eyes. And those around him (see: Eomer’s do not trust to hope… Sure Saruman was a problem, but he wasn’t just talking about the white wizard).
Gandalf’s plan, which none of these people were ever wholly aware of, was a goddamn Hail Mary pass and it worked. Barely, but it did. NO ONE had reason to believe it would, though. And those are people in the know. Not someone like Grima who has no fucking clue what Gandalf et al is up to. He sees Gandalf then like … Nazgul torture him on the planes of Rohan (Unfinished Tales). He sees Gandalf then bad things happen.
Lathspell indeed.
Greed & Desire: I don’t think I need to go into these ones too much. They’re pretty self explanatory. Grima and Black Phillip hung out and the goat asked Grima if he wanted to live deliciously and Grima, like any normal person, said: um, yes please? Also, Eowyn was around being badass, beautiful and untouchable.
Resentment/Anger: Alright, more probing in the dark. I suspect, for one reason or another (and these reasons would vary depending if you’re looking at books or movies), he was someone who was always treated as other/differently, teased, picked on, isolated, overlooked, doesn’t measure up to Rohan’s military ideal of masculinity. All of which creates an underlying resentment issue.
And nothing festers quite like resentment.
On top of that, I also suspect he was always told he was a snake/untrustworthy/not worthy etc. and if you're told something enough, and you don't have anything or anyone else telling you the opposite, there is a strong chance you become that thing.
It's a chicken and egg: the face you wear to the world tells the world how to treat you; the world tells you what you are and that is how you shape your face.
THEN you add in Saruman. Who is clearly, in the text, abusive. Which, if there were any inferiority/bullied etc. issues that are informing Grima’s actions, Saruman is just going to amplify it.
“You are a traitor because you’re a snake, and you’re a snake because you’re spineless, weak, nothing more than a creature that crawls on its stomach on the ground. Snakes are bad, evil things. Which is all you’ve ever been. Barely deserving of the good treatment I give you etc.” <-- all of which is basically a summary of what Saruman has been saying to him for a few years at this point (in the book, it’s only tangentially implied in the movies).
So Grima sort of morphed himself into what he believed himself to be, fuelled by that perversity resentment causes: Oh you think I’m a snake? I’ll be the best goddamn most poisonous snake you ever did see. Just watch me.
He is trapped in this situation. A hutch to trammel some wild thing in.
Which leads me to an interesting point that I think gets lost sometimes: Narratively, he and Eowyn are similar in what they are experiencing. Isolation, being overlooked, misunderstood/misrepresented, don't fit into societal roles and expectations etc. They just go in very different directions in how they respond to it.
I think that's why, in the film, it was smart to have her give pause and listen to him because what he's saying resonates. He is, in some ways, speaking as much for himself as her. But then, of course, he's also just trying to shit disturb and make mischief so of course, at the end of the day, any sympathy he is attempting to convey is laced with poison.
I do wonder, too, if he's the first person to see her fear and her frustrations and acknowledges them out loud. Which is powerful. To have someone see you. Damn shame it's Grima. Still, Eowyn (in the film) paused and listened for a reason.
-
A brief aside on my idle, ill founded thoughts on gender and Rohan:
One of the reasons I think Eowyn and Grima go in diverging directions, is that Eowyn is performing masculinity, in her society's accepted interpretation of it. Masculinity, in Middle Earth, is clearly the norm. And in Rohan, it’s a very particular iteration of military-focused masculinity that is idealized (you can bet, men who killed like 10 orcs were awarded places in court above Grima who served as advisor for like ten years but hasn’t killed an orc ever).
Eowyn’s desire to live/perform this more masculine ideal caters to the subconscious thing of “Masculinity is Natural Neutral Ideal” so of course you would want to be more like A Man. Whereas Grima is the opposite, not performing masculinity according to Rohan's accepted view of it.
And gods, in Anglo-Saxon culture (therefore, Rohan’s, most likely. I see no evidence to the contrary) is that a difficult position to find yourself in. Back in AS England, being called argr, unmanly, or to be accused of ergri, unmanliness, was one of the worst insults you could throw at a man (indeed, some laws said you could kill a man in retaliation for calling you such things). I would bet my shirt that people used such insults about Grima in this world. Which is all kinds of messed up.
-
Now, my interest in him is my general love for a good redemption arc for the most hopeless of characters. It’s why I struggle to call Boromir’s arc, when he’s written as living, a redemption arc. Because I don’t know he has much to redeem himself for. In his own mind, sure, yes, but externally? Not in my view, at least. He has things he’s done wrong and needs to make amends for. But that’s different from redemption.
Grima, on the other hand, is one whose walk-back from evil would be a full on redemption arc. And I like it because he’s not nice, he’s not pleasant. He will never be nice or pleasant or cheerful. But learning how to love and be a good person doesn’t require niceness.
Saruman could be plenty nice. Sauron could be plenty nice. Look what they turned out to be.
And in my writing, I do hope I’m treading that line between creating an understanding of who Grima is without Kylo-Ren-ing him. Or, woobiefying him, as the old parlance was. That’s the line I’m really aiming for. I want people to not hate him. I want them to understand him. Oh, still condemn him, still judge him, disagree with him, acknowledge and know he did bad things and isn’t a nice person. But the end game is to add some understanding and nuance.
Shades of grey.
Also I’m a sucker for challenging redemptions.
--
Why Eomer/Grima?
Because I am an agent of chaos.
More seriously, I was never overly taken with the Grima/Eowyn approach, personally, which is obviously popular (um...within the Grima world), and closer to canon. There are some beautifully written fics and art out there for the two of them, so if you’re into that. The creators in that nook of fandom are top notch.
I always liked the drastic opposite of Grima and Eomer. As I noted above, Grima and Eowyn are two sides of the same coin. Both bitter and resentful and trapped. And that’s a lot of fun to play with, and i get it. But for me, I love a good strong contrast of personalities in my pairings. (If that uh … isn’t readily apparent.)
I think both Eomer and Grima would have a lot to teach each other and in some really interesting ways that neither would expect. I can see both getting under each other’s skin in that way where you’re sort of always thinking about them.
Grima is also someone who has had very little love in his life (I suspect he wants it, he just doesn’t know how to give or receive it). Eomer is someone who has lost a lot of people (parents, quasi-uncle for a few years there. I think it’s why he’s so controlling over Eowyn. Didn’t want to lose her). And I think there’s something in there where they could help each other grow. But I’m a sucker for some beauty to be there, in the end. Some hope.
Mostly, though, I think it boils down to their dynamic and the angst potential. Eomer is this brash, forthright, fiery third marshal of the mark who may or may not think things through. Big of heart, dumb of ass. Then there’s Grima who is quiet and reserved, cynical, critical, always has a plan or five, gets by via his wits etc. Lots of fun potential there.
#LOTR#lord of the rings#the lord of the rings#grima wormtongue#rohan#eorlingas#LOTR meta#ask#reply#eomer
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Foxgloves
Whoops my hand slipped.
I am here today with another angst fic. So, this is a sort-of Ghostbur POV of my ‘Clouds’ and ‘Clouds V.2.’ fic. I do recommend reading those two before this one for actual context.
Anyway, hope you guys like this and just like the other fics, same trigger warnings apply.
As for Ao3 link, I won’t add it cause Tumblr deletes my posts if I add external links. (I don’t get it either)
TW: Poisoning and Major Character Death
Ghostbur paced along his desolate abode, traces of teardrops scarring the smooth stone floor. His mind was a haze of fog, his son’s word echoing neverendingly in his ears. Oh… his sweet boy… his little champion…
A book was clutched in his hands, the paper wrinkling beneath his harsh touch. His dead heart ached within his chest, a waterfall of blood pouring from the fatal wound that took him away from this wretched world. He shivered, colder than he usually was. The sewers were silent… lonely… it was driving him mad.
With a bitter cry, he threw the book into the roaring fireplace, collapsing upon the floor in a terrible anguish. His soot-covered fingers clawed at his hair, tugging at the strands until he felt some semblance of pain… but ghosts didn’t feel pain. His sobs tore through the room, unheard by any man or woman for night had settled upon New L’Manburg. If anyone were to awaken, they might just hear his haunting wails. His arms wrapped around himself, a pitiful try at self-comfort as the day’s memory repeated in his head.
He trailed after Tubbo, the young president inspecting the land they had begun to build upon. Ghostbur happily followed after him, adding his occasional suggestion each time Tubbo asked for his own input.
“Well, I think that’s all on the agenda for today.” Tubbo paused, reaching to scour through his inventory for a material Ghostbur could care less to remember. He watched as Tubbo froze in place, a startled look on his face as he brought out an enchanted netherite shovel. “Oh. Oh no. Fundy was looking for his stuff last night… I didn’t know I had them on me. Please excuse me, Ghostbur, I have to return these to him.”
His attention rose at the mention of Fundy. Fundy had been avoiding his presence ever since he came back… he didn’t understand why and he didn’t want to. The seed of an idea was planted in his mind, this was an opportunity to speak to Fundy! “Y-you know, I wouldn’t mind returning them for you.”
“Really? Thanks, Ghostbur!” Tubbo had dumped a variety of objects in Ghostbur’s arms, the strangely named tools making him chuckle as he tucked them into his inventory. He gave Tubbo a small farewall before heading off to find Fundy. This was perfect! This was his chance to be a good dad! To do good dad things! Then… Then maybe Fundy would look him in the eyes… wouldn’t run off in the opposite direction the moment he came into view… This would fix whatever grievance he had done when he was alive… right?
As he scoured through New L’Manburg for Fundy, he had stumbled upon Eret’s museum. Eret. Ghostbur shivered, a haunting memory of screams and explosions resonating in his head. He shook the thought away… and just like that, he’d forgotten what it was that had scared him so. He perused through the unfinished structure, remnants of a past he barely recognized displayed in all their beautiful glory.
Bad images came to mind and he quickly exited the area. He didn’t want to remember. He took another stroll through New L’Manburg, his eyes scanning for a tell-tale sign of Fundy’s whereabouts. As he stepped onto the wooden pathway, the trace of a fox’s tail caught his attention. He turned to see Fundy at the center of town, scrambling between the empty space as if in search for something… And Ghostbur had what Fundy was looking for! His heart soared. Oh, Fundy would be so happy to see him! “Fundy! Hi! Hi!”
A pair of gold-flecked brown eyes snapped towards him, irritation flashing in their gaze as Ghostbur floated towards Fundy. Ghostbur couldn’t help but worry, dark circles had wormed their way beneath Fundy’s eyes, as if he hadn’t been sleeping for a long time. Well… Ghostbur was sure if Fundy needed it, he could concoct a sleeping potion of sorts. But anyway… “Fundy! I have your stuff! Here, these are yours, right?”
“Y-yeah, actually. Thanks, Wil.” Fundy winced, taking his stuff from Ghostbur. His face reddened as an excited wheeze tore through his throat as Ghostbur handed him his schlong. “Oh… my bow is missing.”
Ghostbur looked at the bow in his inventory. “Uh, sorry. I don’t have it.”
He didn’t understand why he’d lied, but Fundy could make a new bow, couldn’t he? Ghostbur hardly had anything of Fundy’s that he could hold onto… surely an old bow wouldn’t be missed, right? Yeah.
“Thanks, Wil. I really… I really appreciate this.” Ghostbur held his breath as Fundy gave him a small smile, hesitant as it may be. Fundy smiled at him! He did something good, didn’t he? Fundy turned to leave but… but Ghostbur didn’t want him to leave. They just started talking again! He trailed after Fundy, the hint of a question dancing on his tongue. Fundy’s sharp glare turned to him. All previous gratitude gone. “What?”
“I did a… I did a good dad thing, didn’t I, Fundy?” He held his hands together, the heated scrutiny of Fundy’s gaze piercing through his ghostly form. Fundy’s shoulders shook in fury or in another emotion, Ghostbur couldn’t quite tell. Then Fundy looked away, a look of pity in his eyes as he spoke the next few words.
“I’m getting adopted, Wilbur.” The world turned deathly still, a tenseness in the air as Ghostbur’s felt the ground beneath his feet collapse. Fundy scurried a little bit away from him, clutching the sleeves of his jacket Ghostbur had made him that jacket as he looked everywhere but at him. “Eret came up to me yesterday with an offer. He’s offered to adopt me since you’re… We’re just waiting for Phil to sign.”
“Eret… We don’t like Eret… I-it’s in the song, Fundy.”
Fundy tries to explain, but Ghostbur couldn’t hear his words, static crackled in his ears as he turned and ran off. He couldn’t look at Fundy. He couldn’t bear it… He… He… He knows he had a talk with Phil after that, holding back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes. Then he wandered away from New L’Manburg, stumbling upon a familiar yet nightmarish lived-in ravine. He looks at the myriad of buttons on the walls, a conclusion forming in his mind. Fundy needed a dad… and Ghostbur wanted his son.
He floats up from the ground, he’d made up his mind.
He couldn’t let Eret take his son. He couldn’t let some traitor steal his son from him. He heads over to the materials he had gathered as soon as he had left that ravine. He had everything he needed. Niki had even helped him gather some of the berries, that was kind of her to do! He just had to put them all together.
His son would understand. He’d understand.
Ghostbur just wanted to protect his son.
‘This is for my son.’ He thinks, the foxglove held tightly in his hand. ‘He needs me. I’ll protect him.’
.
.
.
Ghostbur watched in the distance.
His son was pacing in front of Eret’s castle, his ears and tail frantic with nervous energy. The ghost hoped he wasn’t the cause for his son’s distress. He’d hate for his son to be suffering because of him.
The picnic basket weighed heavy in his hands, guilt gnawing at his undead insides as he recalled the sweet smile his son had when he heard the happy and joyful news. He could still turn around, run home and cook something of actual worth. Tears pricked at his eyes. How could he go through with this? Could he go through with this?
“With Wilbur, Tommy, Tubbo, fuck Eret…” The soft tune seemingly echoed within the breeze, though he knew himself to be alone. No. Ghostbur had to do this. Eret… Eret was a bad person. It’s in the song for fuck’s sake. He couldn’t let his son be adopted by some-some person who had done something against their nation. Eret was a traitor. They didn’t deserve to be anywhere near his son. He remembers trailing after Phil earlier on in the day, invisible to all gazes as he slipped within the castle right after his father.
He floated along the halls, surveying every detail that could cause harm upon his son. Why did this castle have towers? His son could fall from one dammit. He took note of the staircases, the crystalline chandeliers that hung from the ceiling, and the thick red carpet that suffocated the floor beneath their feet.
His son could trip on these carpets.
The staircases are too high, what if his son tripped on the way down?
What if a chandelier fell and crushed his son?
Why are there so many candelabras? His son could burn himself!
Wha― Were those actual flamingos?
Those paintings looked as if they were staring at him… what if they dragged his son into the paintings?!
Why does that bed have a roof? What if it falls on his son? What then, huh?!
The windows were easily opened… and with such a high drop…!
That servant looked at his son a little bit too suspiciously…
The castle was stifling hot, how could his son even breath in here?
Eret wasn’t even a real king.
Ghostbur was sure Phil would tell Eret ‘no’, that the castle was too dangerous. He stayed out of the room as the two of them signed the papers, choosing to watch over his son in the meantime.
He wished he could pull his son into his arms and run. Run far away from there, perhaps even far away from New L’Manburg. It’d be just the two of them, almost as if nothing had ever happened. They’d be family again… though without Sally… No. No. Sally would forever live within their hearts.
When he saw Phil and Eret leave the room, warm smiles upon their faces, his poor undead heart shattered into pieces. Phil patted Eret on the back, a congratulations leaving his tongue as he left the new parent-son duo with each other. His son had all but thrown himself into Eret’s open arms, a laugh bubbling from his throat as Eret spun him around. Ghostbur knows he should be happy, content that his son had found joy despite the despair-filled days of before. Yet… as he listens to Eret call his son as his… all he sees is red. Fundy was his son.
And if he can’t have Fundy, then no one…
No one can have Fundy.
Ghostbur snapped out from the vision, purpose filling his metaphorical veins as he floated towards his son. His son looked up at him, a curious look on his face as he looks at the picnic basket in Ghostbur’s hands. Ghostbur forced a smile on his face. He just needed to get his son away from here. Then they’ll be together again, this time without all that emotional baggage that Ghostbur didn’t want them to have.
They’d be happy. His son wouldn’t have to worry about being abandoned anymore… and Ghostbur wouldn’t have to watch as his son is torn away from his side by some traitor. He leads them toward a far-off river, the same river they used to visit before the war… before Sally died… His son looks bored, not that Ghostbur minded. After their picnic, why… his son wouldn’t look at him like that ever again. He could barely contain his excitement, topics filtering through his mind as he tries to start a conversation.
They reach the river bank…
His son snaps out of his own reverie at the sound of Ghostbur’s voice, much to his joy. He lets his son peek inside the basket, lets him take out the… unappetizing salad. Ghostbur watches as his son finally takes a bite, doesn’t miss the way his son blanches at the bitter taste… but his son continues on eating.
Ghostbur lets out a sigh of relief, he no longer had anything to fear. His son will be with him soon enough.
He lets his controlled fury direct the conversation, mentioning the traitor’s name to see how his son would react. He can’t say that he isn’t disappointed and regretful when his son’s own anger rises to defend his new… parent. He can’t say he doesn’t feel a twinge of pain when his son collapses from the poison.
His arms curl around his weeping son, reassuring words flowing from his mouth as he tries to console his dying son. He listens to his son’s shallow breathing, listens as they stutter out into silence. He presses his head against his son’s chest, feeling the rapid beat of his son’s heart as it begins to slow down. He holds his son tight against his form, guilt drowning the momentary triumph he had felt a few seconds ago.
“I’m sorry.”
.
.
.
There’s a song on the tip of his tongue, a familiar tune that he once sang as a sweet lullaby.
The clouds begin to fade into a kaleidoscope of color as the sun disappears in the distance.
His mind is foggy.
He doesn’t remember why he is near a river.
He doesn’t remember a single memory of the day.
He doesn’t understand why Fundy is lying so peacefully on the ground.
He doesn’t understand why there’s the remains of a rotting salad in the grass.
He continues to sing.
He doesn’t want to remember.
He doesn’t want to understand.
“D-dad?”
He turns around.
A ghostly visage of his son looks up at him, curious and oh so innocent.
A satisfied grin worms its way through his lips. He doesn’t know why he’s so happy.
“Hello, son.”
~~~~~~~~
I wake up everyday... and choose to write angst.
Anyway, hope you guys liked this! I was bored today so I wanted to write some fanfic.
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The League of Villains Plays DnD AU
(Saw a post by @bunny-loverxiv last night that reminded me I’ve had this stupid thing in my drafts unfinished for over a year now. I’m not sure I’ll ever have time to come back and finish it, but in the spirit of what I posted earlier, here it is, in all its unfinished.. glory...)
Since I asked for a League of Villains plays DnD AU and no one delivered, alas, I guess I’ll just do all the work myself!
So, without further ado:
Shigaraki Tomura’s Character Sheet:
Race and Appearance: Fallen Aasimar, with hair pale as the flesh of wraiths and eyes like two burning pools of blood, reflecting out from the infernal pits of the abyss. His rippling muscles under his bone-white skin carry the scars of his uncountable victories, and when his corrupted celestial powers radiate forth, ghostly skeletal wings rise--
( “Do I have to keep reading? This is really long...”
“It’s important!”)
Alias: “Zephiroth”
(”Isn’t that the guy from Final Fantasy?”
“No! That was Sephiroth! My character’s name is totally different!”)
Class: Oath of Conquest Paladin/Hell Knight
Motto: Dim the Ray of Hope
A dread knight whose armor is black with the blood of his enemies; to stand against him on the field of battle is to know true fear, and none have called themselves his equal and lived to tell the tale. His menacing aura is a cloud of evil righteous murder that spreads across the land as he advances, and everywhere he travels is seeped into the deepest of despairs. Civilizations tremble before the darkness of his impossibly dark darkness.
(“Did you run out of adjectives?”
No, I meant exactly what I said.”)
Also, collects the severed hands of his conquests.
(”Tomura-kun, this isn’t a character, this is just you!”
“Collecting body trophies is standard lore for conquest paladin; you’d know if you read Xanathar’s Guide.”)
Alignment: Chaotic Good
(“Shigaraki Tomura, I am not sure this alignment fits with the character you’re describing--”
“I wrote the campaign, so good’s whatever I say it is.”
“Boss, doesn’t playing in your own campaign defeat the purpose? Knowing everything ahead of time’s a great idea!”
“Shut up, I don’t care about spoilers.”)
Backstory: Zephiroth the Bloody swore an oath to complete the conquest of his father, King Jenovo, who fell in battle to his eternal rival and estranged foolish younger brother, Nimbus Might ( “You know, I really think I’ve heard these names before...”). Jenovo’s quest was undoubtedly a noble one: to reunite the brothers’ separated kingdoms under a single legitimate banner--and its single legitimate ruler. The two brothers clashed in a battle of titans that shook the entire world, and though he was in the wrong, Nimbus Might reigned supreme in the end, and took Jenovo’s life and kingdom both. The death of his father crushed the last remnants of joy and love in young Prince Zephiroth’s black heart and now he will stop at nothing to put an end to Nimbus Might’s reign by turning every symbol of his false kingdom to dust.
Notable Stats and Weapon: +5 Intimidation, +5 Persuasion; greatsword and shield wielder.
Tomura is a quintessential min-maxer; he made everyone else take the standard array for stats but... “rolled” for his.
(”This old man’s been reviewing the character sheets, Shigaraki, and couldn’t help but notice some discrepancies in the party’s stats compared to yours--”
“You’re welcome to not play. Ever.”
“Must have been a trick of the light!”)
Carrying: The holy relic “Lavos”
(”Isn’t that just from Chrono Cross?”
“I think you mean, Khrono Kross, Spinny.”)
The relic is a glowing black and red container imbued with a hellish aura, containing magical bullets said to be formed from the blood of the time goddess, allowing Shigaraki to permanently unwind his opponents’ powers. Limited use, 5 times.
Dabi:
Race and Appearance: Tiefling.
(“Did you not even bother to write an appearance?!”
“My character has the same appearance as me.”
“That’s not even possible. Tieflings are supposed to have horns!”
“Okay, my character has the same appearance as me with horns.”)
Alias: “Dabi”
(”You can’t name your character after yourself!”
“But I’m not named Dabi.”)
Class: Phoenix Sorcerer
Motto: Ashes to Ashes
(”You can’t play this class either, it isn’t canon.”
“You told me to pick one from the wiki; ain’t my problem you didn’t specify.”
“I said no homebrew!”
“And that means... what?”)
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
(”You ignored my instructions about our alignment too, didn’t you?”
“Yeah, but you said ‘good’ so I assumed I misheard.”
“We’re the protagonists of this story--our cause is just!”)
Feats and Skills: ...Hmm, for some reason, many things have been written and then crossed out?
(“W-What have you done?! You can’t just modify things however you feel! Why would you even swap out Nourishing Fire for an Elemental Affinity that deals ice damage?! And did you just scratch out ‘long rest’ and put ‘short rest’ here? That’s OP!”
“When the hell have any of you let me get a long rest?”
“Animal Handling as a skill, seriously?!”
“Figured you’d give me some monsters to tame.”
“Go fuck yourself!”
Shigaraki was, in fact, planning on there being monsters for Dabi to tame.)
Backstory: A traveler with a shadowy past.
(”That’s... your whole backstory? Are you freaking kidd--”
”Aww, come on Dabi, this bio is lame! Oh, I know, I know! You’re actually a prince in disguise, exiled from his kingdom and seeking vengeance on his father, the one who left him horrifically burned and on the brink of death, which caused you to be rescued by the soul of a lonely phoenix, and at the end of your quest, after reclaiming your rightful throne from your evil father, you free the phoenix who possessed you to save your life, but then it returns and swears its eternal love to you! Eehee!”
“We’re...not doing that.”
“You can’t do that anyways, it completely undermines my lore. There are only two kingdoms in this world, and I’m going to be the ruler of both of them.”)
Notable Stats and Weapon: +3 Deception, +4 Insight; wields darts.
(”But why do I even have to pick a weapon? It says right there I have Burning Hands.”)
Carrying: A shard of never-melting ice in the shape of a three-petaled flower; it exudes a calming chill even when wreathed in the wildest of fires. Looking at it makes you feel... melancholy?
(”Why is this the only section with detail?! If you could put this much effort in here, you should have taken the rest seriously too!”)
Mr. Compress:
Race and Appearance: Human, a man in the prime of his life, with a roguish glint in his eye and a rakish gold mustache above his mysterious smirk. There’s an artfully placed scar below his right eye that speaks to a life of the blade and adventure, and his pressed linen and metallic brocade doublet belies his nature as a man of impeccable taste. His jaunty black bandana is always pulled low over his eyes, but mischief seems to twinkle out from beneath the accompanying black mask nevertheless.
(“Oh, I like it! A lot! Hey, hey, will you rewrite mine for me? Make it like yours but cuter!”)
Alias: The Dread Pirate Roberts
(“Huh? The first part is good, but why “Roberts”?
“Well, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley.”
“What are you snickering about, Kurogiri?”
“Nothing at all, Shigaraki Tomura.”)
Class: Multi-class Swashbuckler and School of Conjuration Wizard
Motto: To the Pain!
(“These two classes don’t compliment each other at all. You should change to Hexblade at least!”
“As you wish.”
“Kurogiri’s laughing again. What are you two hiding? Tell me!”)
Mr. Compress knew full well the classes he picked didn’t mesh; he just lives for the shits and giggles. He’s actually been playing DnD longer than Toga’s been alive, but where’s the fun in telling Tomura that?
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral
Skills: Acrobatics, Persuasion, Performance, Sleight of Hand
(“Okay, but am I the only one who actually created a real character instead of a self-insert? DnD’s a role-playing game; isn’t the whole point to use your imagination?!”
“Ain’t our fault your real self is too boring to be a decent character, Lizard.”
“You never miss an opportunity to insult me, do you, asshole?!”)
Backstory: Although he came from unremarkable origins, Westley Roberts found himself thrust on to the path of great destiny when the merchant ship on which he was employed was attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts--
“How can he attack his own ship? You forgot your own name, didn’t you?”
“Not all, Shigaraki! I’m not that old!”
--but when Roberts heard the tale of Westley’s quest to prove himself for the one he loved--
“Wait, who is this other character now? There was no love interest listed before!”
“Just let me tell the story!”
--Roberts was overcome by the depth of Westley’s tale of woe and decided to name him his successor, passing down the title of Dread Pirate Roberts--
“Can I change my character to a Dread Pirate?”
“No, Dabi!”
“I’m just sayin’, why was I not informed of this option?”
--sothathecouldmildlyterrorizethewatersaroundhishomekingdomandfinallyamasstherichesneededtoimpresshischarminglove. PHEW! Thank you for letting me finish!
Notable Stats and Weapon: +4 Dexterity, +5 Charisma; wields a rapier with impeccable skill. Is definitely not left-handed.
Carrying: A Rodent of Unusual Size. Excellent distraction. Also edible.
“What is wrong with everyone in this room?!”
And the rest of the League I didn’t finish, but:
Spinner: A gorgeous lady Argonian who spits beams of pure light--
“No, this is too cool. Change it.”
“Awww come on, Shigaraki, just let me have this--”
“Change it.”
Toga: Tabaxi assassin. ON A QUEST FOR LOVE. (May or may not have decided this after peering over Mr. Compress’s shoulder during character creation time.)
Twice: Halfling wizard. None of his stats make sense because he couldn’t make up his mind where to put them.
Hawks: Aarakochra bard. Entirely useless. That asshole who rolls to seduce everything.
Kurogiri: The DM. But not by choice.
There’s no Giran or Gigantomachia because I started writing this before either of them were really “part” of the League. Use your imaginations~
#League of Villains#Dungeons and Dragons#DnD AU#boku no hero academia#Shigaraki Tomura#Dabi#Mr. Compress#dabihawks#but like only as a joke#because I can't take anything serious#dabi is a todoroki#BNHA#these are like completely and totally official#don't @ me
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The Betrayal Of Chelsea Manning By The Coward Adrian Lamo
I have only participated in “cancel culture” once that I can remember. Once, over the broad course of my life, and that was when Adrian Lamo sold Chelsea Manning out to the authorities. Motherfucker has the sheer gall to call himself a hacker, and then rats someone out — not because of his principles, but from a constant desire for pure narcissistic supply -- and all this from a position of trust no less…
I was real angry, and I wanted to put the boot in, any way I could. There was a special circle of hell reserved for people like Adrian Lamo… and as it would turn out, he was already in it.
Amongst petty vendettas like stuffing his wikipedia page with all the well referenced dirt I could dig up, along the way, and kind of by-the-by, I ended up doing a lot of research on the guy, and then, well, the picture of Lamo that emerged…
Jesus.
He’s been a hardcore benzo addict since his twenties. If you know what to look for you can tell in some of his interviews, slurring his words and looking very spacey. He never really had a real job, never broke into the industry he was aways on the fringes of. It’s kinda crazy, if you search for “homeless hacker Adrian Lamo” you can still see what the mass media thought of him before he turned in Chelsea.
He’d kind of weaselled his way into popular consciousness by being a shameless self-promoter, and then managing to get caught in that spectacular “rebellious teenage hacker” vs. “huge faceless corporation” way that tends to capture people’s imagination.
There were whole articles about him in Wired. Multiple in fact. Here’s one of earliest from 2004 (unfortunately now behind a paywall), “New York Times vs The Homeless Hacker”. The first few lines can still give you the gist, however
A self-styled security expert and serial self-promoter, Adrian Lamo made headlines as a grayhat hacker. Then the Gray Lady came down on his head. Not long ago Adrian Lamo was exploring an abandoned gypsum processing plant in West Philadelphia with two friends, when a police cruiser drove slowly by. Lamo’s friends were high on methamphetamines…
https://www.wired.com/2004/04/hacker-5/
Even during this phase of his life, a lot of people in the scene didn’t like him. At least, there were people complaining on hacker boards about him stealing exploits and then burning them for the publicity. In the end he got off with probation and home detention, and that was the end of blatantly hacking into shit. Any more and he would certainly end up in prison. Attitudes were changing, the authorities had stopped seeing hacking as just high-spirited teenage hijinks. and the increasingly severe penalties could land you some serious time.
After this, he just sorted floated around. He never got job in the industry like the rest of us, and I suspect he may have been basically unemployable for one reason or another. The next time he popped up in my news feed was in 2010 with a strange article from ex-hacker turned journalist and friend of Lamo’s,, Kevin Poulsen — “Ex-Hacker Adrian Lamo Institutionalized, Diagnosed with Asperger’s”
The first paragraph or so reads:
Last month Adrian Lamo, a man once hunted by the FBI, did something contrary to his nature. He says he picked up a payphone outside a Northern California supermarket and called the cops.
Someone, Lamo says, had grabbed his backpack containing the prescription anti-depressants he'd been on since 2004, the year he pleaded guilty to hacking The New York Times. He wanted his medication back. But when the police arrived at the Safeway parking lot it was Lamo, not the missing backpack, that interested them. Something about his halting, monotone speech, perhaps slowed by his medication, got the officers' attention
— (https://www.wired.com/2010/05/lamo/)
The article claimed Lamo had been arrested for acting strangely and then institutionalised, basically claiming the police had arrested him because he was autistic. At the time, I didn’t really give this a second thought, “oh well, ho-hum”. As itt turned out, this was a case of the most spectacular kind of “spin” I think I’ve ever seen; the only place the article actually intersected with general consensual reality was in stating Lamo had been arrested and placed on psychiatric hold.
The real story, which is entirely far more pathetic, was that Lamo’s family had become worried about his benzo use (“prescription anti-depressants”) and had cut him off. He totally lost the plot at this point and stormed out of house. Concerned about his mental state, and with fears for his physical safety, it was actually his own family that called the police to try and find him.
When confronted about this fairly massive discrepancy, Lamo claimed he hadn’t exactly “lied” as such, and had simply withheld some facts due to personal privacy concerns.
It was at this point I finally began to see the whole tattered trajectory of Lamo’s entire life — trace the greasy path of his rainbow with my fingertips, and watch as the once bright twine became increasing gray and frayed as each thread began to curve back towards it’s inevitable impact with the earth, when, at which point, everything important would begin to totally unravel around him.
At his core, Adrian Lamo was a narcissist, and so Adrian Lamo absolutely believed in the Adrian Lamo narrative, as only a narcissist can. Near of beginning of his tale, this was easy to do. He was a wandering Daoist sage, a renegade techno-monk character in a Neal Stephenson cyberpunk novella, and anytime he wanted to see his own reflection he could simply look in any of the major newspapers.
After his arrest and release, the rest of the world moved on. His peers all settled down to well-paid industry gigs, and you couldn’t just pop the New York Times through an open proxy any longer — well, at least: not most of time, anyway. His own sword, never the exactly the sharpest in the first place, was beginning to show some signs of a serious structural rust.
Without the constant assurance of people telling his own story back at him, what was he exactly? What did the mirror portray to him now? An unemployed, semi-homeless drug addict, a hacker who couldn’t hack his way out of wet paper back with pick axe, the tired punch line to any number of bad jokes...
Of course, the many similarities to my own life were not exactly lost on me. I was basically a case of being a few near misses and unlucky hits away from sitting in his exact position. I had made the transition to an industry career successfully, but I was still a drug addict with mental heath issues. I had gone through my own narcissistic stage when I was younger, but thankfully grew out of it, the old moons no longer pulled on my tides the way they used to.
The essential Lamo pattern had began to emerge. Still chasing the same bright stars that had long since sunk beneath the horizon line of the ocean; Lamo would begin to feel irrelevant — Lamo would get then his name in the media in some fashion. A momentary peace was then achieved, then came a brief period of post-orgasmic. cosmic serenity.
But of course, the wheel of karma will not stop spinning for anyone, and so, soon enough and all-to-quickly, the entire process of personal renewal, would have to, you know….. begin anew.
A few other case studies were observed. An unreleased, permanently unfinished documentary featuring Lamo was mysteriously leaked on the internet. Of course, Lamo himself had leaked it. And there was always appearing on various morning television shows, Good Morning America, Fox News & the like.
But then the mother of all opportunities just dropped into his lap.
Chelsea Manning needed someone to talk to.
Chelsea knew Lamo was Bi, so he was at least in the LGBT community. Adrian was a hacker too. He’d fought against the system in his day, he was certainly someone who would “get it”, she was very sure of this. And when she did reach out, he was indeed very sympathetic. Honestly, it seemed like he really cared. Just a genuine human being, reaching out across the vast emotional void to provide a sense of empathy to someone who really, really needed it right now..
He was very sympathetic when Chelsea told him all about her struggles with gender identity, and he was very sympathetic when she said she was leaking gigabytes of information to Wikileaks…. But behind his sunglasses, Lamo eyes had already morphed into a marquee LED matrix endlessly scrolling his own name. Think of the news coverage!
This was big. This was very big.
It would, in fact, turn out to be fucking huge. Of course, within in the hacker scene, and to a certain extent, even outside it, everyone just fucking loathed him now. Eventually even the news moved on, nobody wanted any more interviews, and in the end, when everything has already been all said and done: you are ultimately left with only yourself….
… a pathetic drug addict. Of course, I have to keep telling myself that one point of intersection does not an entire venn diagram or an actual equality make. But I can’t shake the feeling that, perhaps, maybe we weren’t really all that different. Maybe my own betrayals have had the simple luck of being a lot less public.
Perhaps my own sins were just as ugly, but far less ambitious.
Adrian Lamo died alone, from a drug overdose, in a private unit in an aged care facility in Wichita, Kansas. He was 37 years old. An autopsy showed his kidneys were already failing.
I guess Sartre got it wrong. Hell isn’t other people, it’s being left totally alone, with nothing else around but the tedious company of your own terrible self, and of course, the fucker won’t stop talking...
So obviously there was nothing more I could do to hurt Adrian Lamo, nothing that Adrian Lamo hadn’t done already. He had long since locked himself away in a prison cell of his own making. I do wonder if maybe one too many silent 3am’s hadn’t come crawling around the clock face when he was there & awake to witness it, lying in bed & staring at the ceiling and trying not to think about things.
Like I’m doing.
Shit, I hope don’t go out that way.
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Textual Reddie & Queer!Eddie: A Masterpost
So I’ve been planning on doing something like this for a while, but it had fallen to the wayside until @skinks and I started talking about Reddie again, and my weak little heart was rekindled.
Speaking of reKINDLEd (ehh? Ehhhhh?), my Kindle copy of IT is full of highlighted textual support of unresolved Reddie feelings, and a queer reading of Eddie specifically. And lo, a disjointed essay-type meta was birthed. This fucker’s about to get long, so if you’re interested, dive on under the cut – but be forewarned, there are massive spoilers for the book and (probably) Chapter 2 below!
(Seriously, cannot emphasize the MASSIVE SPOILERS enough. If you don’t know what happens and you don’t want to be spoiled, don’t read this.)
As a very general disclaimer, I am not going to be including everything that I highlighted. There is a fuckton, including a lot of small moments of Richie and Eddie interacting that don’t showcase anything other than their closeness. I’ll be paring it down here to moments that prove a larger theme, and some standout cuteness. With that said, IT is a 1,300-page behemoth, and it’s definitely possible that I skipped over something. If you know of anything significant that I missed, feel free to reblog with additions.
Note: I will be using terrible, half-assed MLA citations for this. Pagination is from my Kindle copy of the novel. All quotes will be italicized to help differentiate them visually from my points (if something was italicized in the original text, it’ll be unitalicized here). Unless otherwise stated, all bolded emphasis is mine. “--” will be used in place of em-dashes, “/” will be used to denote paragraph breaks.
PART I – ASTHMA
“When Eddie’s nervous he reaches for his aspirator.” (King 372)
It doesn’t get much more explicit than this. We’re told in no uncertain terms that Eddie’s psychosomatic asthma is rooted in nervousness, in things that make him scared and uncomfortable. The trigger for this particular explanation is being overwhelmed by the age and significance of Boston, but in an earlier scene:
“These shoes no longer looked just right... but he supposed they would do for where he was going. And for whatever he might have to do when he got there. Maybe Richie Tozier would-- / But then the blackness threatened and he felt his throat beginning to close up.” (King 112)
This is Eddie’s first on-page asthma attack. It hits him the first time we see him as an adult, having just received his call from Mike to return to Derry. And yet it’s the thought of Richie, not It or Derry, that makes Eddie nervous enough to need his aspirator. Notably, the thought goes unfinished. We don’t know, nor do we ever find out in explicit terms, what Eddie thought Richie Tozier would.
Of course, asthma is the most prominent symptom of Eddie’s hypochondria, so the attacks crop up often in the text. The most interesting of these attacks for our purposes (other than Eddie becoming nervous at the thought of Richie) is the following:
“‘The first of the ‘new murders’ [...] began on the Main Street Bridge and ended underneath it. The victim was a gay and rather childlike man named Adrian Mellon. He had a bad case of asthma.’ / Eddie’s hand stole out and touched the side of his aspirator.” (King 646)
Mike (speaking) tells the gang about the death of Adrian Mellon, and takes care to note three things about him: he was gay, he was childlike, and he had asthma. The connection between Eddie and Adrian is drawn quickly and obviously as Eddie reaches for his aspirator, seemingly out of reflex - but what we can also infer here is that this is making Eddie nervous. He could be nervous because a man with asthma was just killed by It, and he, too, is a man with asthma. He could also be nervous because the parallel that Mike and the prose have none-too-subtly drawn between Eddie and Adrian implies that they have more in common than a respiratory problem. But what?
PART II – EDDIE/ADRIAN
“[The other Losers] are being called--I know that much. Each murder in this new cycle has been a call.” (King 1116)
Mike writes this in the fourth interlude, referring to the way that It’s murders 27 years later all seem to be calling out to the Losers’ Club. By drawing a parallel between Eddie and Adrian through their asthma, King leads us to believe that Adrian’s murder specifically called to Eddie. He also leads us to consider how else they might be linked.
Adrian is virtually Eddie’s opposite. He’s out and proud and in a loving, unstrained relationship. He flirts openly with other men, teases his aggressors, and, to contrast with the neurotic and nervous Eddie:
“‘He didn’t have much in the way of protective coloration. He was one of those fools who think things really are going to turn out all right.’” (King 27)
His openness, however, is what gets him killed. While being harassed by some homophobes, Adrian teases and antagonizes them, and the next time they see him they assault him and unwittingly gift him, half-dead, to Pennywise.
It especially kills me that Adrian’s asthma is not significantly mentioned in his chapter. He makes a comment to his boyfriend that the “air’s better” (King 36) in Derry, which could imply that he has had less problems since he moved there, but the word “asthma” is never used. It’s not relevant to his story, and it’s not brought up until King has to draw a parallel between Adrian and Eddie. Because it’s not relevant to Adrian’s story, the connection that King draws between them feels almost half-assed and weak, until one considers their contrasting personalities and contrasting happinesses in their respective relationships. Along that same line of thinking, the implications of having Eddie directly paralleled by a gay man killed for being gay cast a suspicious light on Eddie’s presumed straightness.
If we accept that Eddie and Adrian are linked, that Adrian’s murder was a specific call to Eddie, then it goes without saying that there is a strong implication here that Eddie is closeted. He is being contrasted with an out gay man who fears no consequence for being out in a small, violent, hateful town. Eddie’s neuroses and fixation on his psychosomatic asthma are contrasted with a man who hadn’t a care in the world - not even his (presumably) real physical condition. The fear and self-hate that dogged Eddie his whole life never bothered Adrian Mellon, until it killed him.
If we accept that Eddie and Adrian are linked, and what that implies, then we can infer that Adrian is what Eddie could have been, were he happy, open, and out - and what happens to Adrian is the exact kind of thing that may have kept poor, terrified Eddie in the closet.
PART III – SEX, QUEERNESS, AND SELF-LOATHING
So, I think we all remember the leper scene--creepy in the 2017 movie, even creepier in the novel. One notable book-only detail is that the leper “[offers] to give Eddie a blowjob for a quarter” (King 400) in addition to chasing him around and being generally disgusting.
“Come back here, kid, the hoarse voice whispered. I’ll blow you for free. Come back here! / No, Eddie moaned at it. Please, go away, I don’t want to think about that.” (King 394)
Eddie is immediately terrified by the mere thought of getting a blowjob, of being touched by someone diseased, of being touched by a man. He doesn’t even want to think about it... and then the question becomes, does he not want to think about sex with the leper, or sex at all? Regardless, it seems pretty normal for an eleven-year-old boy to be scared of a blowjob from a strange adult with open sores on his face. But there is, of course, more to unpack here.
Another difference between book and film comes when Eddie recounts the tale to Richie and Bill...:
“‘He didn’t have leprosy, you dummy,’ Richie said. “He had [syphilis].’ / […] / ‘It’s a disease you get from fucking,’ Richie said. ‘You know about fucking, don’t you, Eds?’ / ‘Sure,’ Eddie said. He hoped he wasn’t blushing.” (King 400)
All of a sudden Eddie isn’t just afraid of disease, but of a sexually transmitted disease. Pennywise’s angle on Eddie is a big fuck-off combo of decay and sex--specifically gay sex. Not only is the “leper” a man offering him sexual favours, but Bill is quick to point out that men can get syphilis from “another g-g-guy if they’re kwuh-kwuh-queer" (King 402). Queerness and gay sex are therefore lumped in with Eddie’s fear of the “leper” from word go.
Since he’s a pre-pubescent child (in that same scene, Eddie recalls trying to masturbate and nothing happening), Eddie’s disinterest in and general apprehension towards sex makes sense without bringing the element of internalized homophobia into the mix. But this is my post, I can do what I want, and Stephen King already brought it into the mix for me.
Eddie is frightened by the thought of queer sex at another notable point in the novel as well, when he recalls a vignette from his and the Losers’ past:
“Patrick Hockstetter was down [in the Barrens]. Before It took him Beverly saw him doing something bad. It made her laugh but she knew it was bad. Something to do with Henry Bowers, wasn’t it? Yes, I think so. And-- / [Eddie] turned away suddenly and started back toward the abandoned depot, not wanting to look down into the Barrens anymore, not liking the thoughts they conjured up. He wanted to be home with Myra.” (King 720)
Myra, for those who haven’t read the novel, is Eddie’s wife. If you’re one of those people (or even if you haven’t read it in a while), you might also be wondering what exactly Patrick Hockstetter did to Henry Bowers in the Barrens that made Eddie balk and suddenly crave his wife’s company. Well, my friends, Patrick tried to give Henry Bowers a blowjob. Eddie has to turn away from the mere thought of two men (well, boys) engaging in a sex act. He has to return to his wife, the implication here being that she is there to shield him from queerness, from queer sex.
And the scene between Patrick and Henry, which we do see later from Bev’s point of view, is extremely telling as to why Eddie has to turn away. Henry gets violent and angry when Patrick propositions him, just like Adrian Mellon’s assailants got violent and angry, just like Eddie’s own mother gets defensive and cruel at the thought of a pair of (unconfirmed) gay men in their town with a nicer house than hers:
“‘Any two men who bother keeping a house so nice must be queers,’ Eddie’s mother had once said in a disgruntled sort of way, and Eddie hadn’t dared ask for clarification.” (King 712)
Eddie here is afraid to even question the root of his mother’s assumptions, or the very fact of her prejudice. Questioning, experimentation, being openly anything other than straight in Derry only earns you bile and violence from the rest of the town, and Eddie knows this. Why would anyone come out? How could they? Isn’t it better to just turn away and leave the thought unfinished?
And it is explicit that Eddie feels somehow wrong and incomplete, in addition to his general aversion to all things queer and sexual. At one point, compounding himself and the homeless “leper”, Eddie has an internal monologue that ends as follows:
“I got me a disease that’s eating me up. My skin’s cracking open, my teeth are falling out, and you know what? I can feel myself turning bad like an apple that’s going soft. I can feel it happening, eating from the inside to the out, eating, eating, eating me.” (King 405)
By conflating himself with the “leper”, Eddie makes the disease his own. He makes his fear of the “leper” falling apart a fear he has about himself. He fears something within himself, something rotten, turning him “bad” - bad like offering a blowjob to Henry Bowers in the Barrens. It’s a literal fear of disease, to be sure, but that sense of being rotten to the core, being bad on the inside in a way you cannot change, also feels like an apt metaphor for internalized homophobia in light of the subtextual queerness of the rest of Eddie’s fear. And especially in light of another scene in which he feels inferior, rotten, wrong:
“Simply reaching for the cubes of bread [at communion] became an act which required courage, and he always feared an electrical shock... or worse, that the bread would suddenly change color in his hand, become a blood-clot, and a disembodied Voice would begin to thunder in the church: Not worthy! Not worthy! Damned to Hell! Damned to Hell!” (King 1247)
We will absolutely come back to the fact that Eddie uses Voice with a capital V, but for now let’s focus on the rest of the scene. Eddie’s fear of being damned and unworthy is rooted in a story his Sunday School teacher told him, about a boy who blasphemed. Even as a small child, he has anxiety about his existence or behaviour cursing him – making him diseased, or turning bread into blood. And, of course, for the purposes of this reading, we can’t ignore the fact that queerness and American Christianity don’t typically go hand-in-hand. This compounded with the suggestion that he is rotten from the inside out suggests that Eddie has some reason to think he has blasphemed – and his persistent association with queerness suggests that this reason may be the knowledge or suspicion that he isn’t straight.
Eddie’s worries even follow him into adulthood:
“Get off it, Eds, Richie’s voice seemed to whisper. You ain’t solid at all […].” (King 715)
I included this quote because it reinforces my point about Eddie not feeling whole or right within himself. It’s not quite time for the Reddie part of this meta, but I would be remiss if I didn’t point out that Richie is nowhere in this scene and has absolutely nothing to do with it, and still it’s his voice that voices Eddie’s subconscious fears about not being “solid”. Again, I will be going into this in more detail later. First, there’s one more element of this queer reading of Eddie that needs to be tackled.
PART IV – THIS ONE QUOTE GETS TO BE ITS OWN PART BECAUSE MY GOD
Most of you are probably familiar with Anthony Perkins, even if you don’t know you are – if you’ve ever been exposed to Psycho, either by watching it or through pop-cultural osmosis, you'll know him as Norman Bates. You also may or may not know that he was famously closeted. He reportedly only had relationships with men until he met and married Berinthia Berenson in his early 40s, and never came out during his lifetime. (Obviously one’s sexual history doesn’t necessarily determine one’s sexuality, but most sources I can find suggest that he was gay, not bisexual.)
Now, if you read Eddie Kaspbrak as gay, this may sound somewhat familiar. Married a woman, never came out, horror icon, it’s all there. But why do I bring it up? Well, because of this:
“Eddie--it was weird but true--had grown up to look quite a little bit like Anthony Perkins.” (King 628)
On its own, it’s a seemingly innocuous, if oddly specific, pop-cultural reference. Nothing to write home about. Compounded with everything else we know about Eddie, and everything else I’ve covered above? It’s telling as balls. King could have simply described Eddie, as he does immediately after this line, but he takes the time to compare a character repeatedly associated with queerness and sexual repression to a closeted gay man who eventually married a woman.
(Note: admittedly, IT would’ve been written in the early-mid 80s, at which point Perkins was not officially known to be gay, but according to my father there were plenty of rumours. He was, additionally, known as a repressed, shy “mama’s boy” who was made nervous by female attention. Sound like anyone else we know?)
PART V – REDDIE
And now for the main event.
If I unpack every individual piece of Reddie goodness to the degree that I’ve unpacked Eddie himself, we’ll be here for another 2,500 words. So, I’m only going to hit three major points:
PART VA – CLOSENESS
Richie is all over Eddie. He frequently pinches Eddie’s cheeks, calls him cute, and is all-around physically and verbally affectionate with him. Some notable examples:
“Richie […] pinched Eddie’s cheek. / ‘Don’t do that! I hate it when you do that, Richie.’ / ‘Ah, you love it, Eds,’ Richie said, and beamed at him.” (King 384-85)
This is their first on-page interaction, mind you. This moment sets the stage for the rest of their relationship.
“Richie jumped to his feet a second time and pinched Eddie’s cheek. ‘Cute, cute, cute!’ Richie exclaimed.” (King 390)
“‘[My aunts] all pinch my cheek and tell me how much I’ve grown,’ Eddie said. / ‘That’s cause they know how cute you are, Eds--just like me. I saw what a cutie you were the first time I met you.’” (King 446-47)
Listen. Do you think I’ll ever get over this? Do you think I can move on, knowing that this exists? Richie teases everyone, but he only ever uses “cute” for Eddie.
“‘Take it easy, Eds,’ Richie soothed, and leaned toward him. / ‘Don’t call me Eds and don’t you dare pinch my cheek!’ [Eddie] cried, rounding on Richie. ‘You know I hate that! I always hated it!’ / Richie recoiled, blinking.” (King 668)
This scene takes place when they’re adults, and I love it for a number of reasons – the easy return to form for both of them, Richie genuinely trying to comfort Eddie, and Richie’s surprise at being snapped at. My heart goes out to the man.
“‘I hate it when you call me Eds.’ / ‘I know,’ Richie said, hugging him tightly, ‘but somebody has to toughen you up, Eds. When you stop leading the sheltered igs-zistence of a child and grow up, you gonna, Ah say, Ah say you gonna find out life ain’t always this easy, boy!’ / Eddie began to shriek with laughter.” (King 1334)
There are quite a few scenes where they make each other laugh, but this one is my personal favourite.
And the cherry on top:
“[Richie] slapped Eddie’s can.” (King 1322)
The context of this is less than shippy (they’re squeezing through a tight passageway, Richie is behind Eddie and needs him to move forward), but there are few ships that can say that party A has canonically smacked party B’s ass, and I think we should appreciate that more as a fandom.
There’s also a strong element of protectiveness – Richie is very protective of Eddie in a way that Eddie’s mother isn’t. He genuinely pays attention to Eddie’s needs and tries to do right by him:
“It was Richie and Bev who went to Eddie. […] Richie dug his aspirator out of his pocket. ‘Bite on this, Eddie,’ he said, and Eddie took a hitching, gasping breath as Richie pulled the trigger.” (King 903)
“Richie heard Eddie cough twice […] and then fall silent again. He shouldn’t be down here, he thought […].” (King 968)
“...Eddie [agreed to follow Bill into the sewers] last. / ‘I don’t think so, Eddie,’ Richie said. ‘Your arm’s not, you know, looking too cool.’” (King 1251)
“Richie turned Bill toward him, looked at him as you would look at a man who is hopelessly raving. ‘Bill, we have to take care of Eddie. We have to get a tourniquet on him, get him out of here.’” (King 1396)
Hey fun fact? Fun fucking fact, Eddie’s already dead in this scene and Richie knows that.
On a cheerier note, and to add one last dimension to Eddie and Richie’s closeness, Richie is the only person with whom we see Eddie intentionally swapping spit/germs (outside of ritualistic bloodletting). Not only does Richie use Eddie’s aspirator at one point, but there’s also this scene:
“‘I can carry [the Parcheesi board],’ Eddie said, a little out of breath. ‘How about a lick on your Rocket?’ / ‘Your mom wouldn’t approve, Eddie,’ Richie said sadly. […] ‘[…] Ah say you kin get germs eatin after someone else!’ / ‘I’ll chance it,’ Eddie said. / Reluctantly, Richie held his Rocket up to Eddie’s mouth... and snatched it away quickly as soon as Eddie had gotten in a couple of moderately serious licks.” (King 1243)
The obvious humour of this scene aside (poor Richie, having to share), the fact that hypochondriac Mama’s boy Eddie doesn’t mind Richie’s germs in particular is both sweet and interesting. The imagery here, of Eddie licking Richie’s Rocket despite his mother’s disapproval (compounded with the pre-established association between Eddie and blowjobs) is just... interesting, to say the least. As is the fact that I totally stole this scene and reversed the roles for the sake of a fic that I would like to pimp as a reward for making it this far into this monstrosity. It has a happy ending, don’t worry.
What does all of this put together signify? Richie and Eddie are close. They clearly love each other as friends, and the almost flirtatious touching, cute-calling, teasing, protectiveness, and Rocket-licking can also all signify the beginnings of something else as well. If nothing else, it’s fun, sweet fic fodder.
PART VB – THE VOICE (WITH A CAPITAL V)
This is one of my favourite details. Eddie thinks of all the Losers from time to time, but Richie is straight-up one of the voices in his head. Richie refers to his impressions and characters as Voices with a capital V, and Very often, Eddie will think in them. He’ll hear jokes in them, Pennywise will taunt him with them, he’ll hear the very criticism and hate that he fears hurled back at him in Voices. Right from the start:
“‘Had any good chucks lately, Eds?’ [Eddie] says out loud, and laughs again.” (King 374)
As he drives to Derry, Eddie is already laughing and delighting in the thought of his friends (specifically Bill and Richie) and the way they used to be. Later in the same scene:
“‘Sure, kid, EV-ery day,’ he says in a Richie Tozier Voice, and laughs again.” (King 376)
King quickly establishes that Richie’s Voices are a source of joy for Eddie, and that Richie himself is one of the Losers that Eddie is most looking forward to seeing. Indeed, in several scenes (including one of the ones quoted above), we see Eddie laughing at or with Richie when he does his Voices, both in the present and the past. But Eddie’s love of the Voices gets twisted by his own subconscious fears – I mentioned earlier that it is a Voice with a capital V that tells Eddie that he’s damned to Hell during his imaginary blood-communion. And it’s Richie’s voice that reminds Eddie that he’s not “solid”, to cap off a scene where he literally runs away from thoughts of queerness and sex. Eddie’s fear of himself becomes conflated with the Voices in a way that suggests his fear is of Richie, of Richie’s hatred, contempt, and dismissal. He is afraid that Richie sees him as unworthy, damned, unsolid. He is afraid that Richie sees the thing that’s eating him from the inside out.
Eddie wants to be home with Myra. It’s easier to keep Richie and his Voices in his head than to risk what they would (--) do if they saw all of Eddie clearly.
PART VC – EDS & EDDIE’S DEATH
Yes, we all know and love “Eds”. We love Richie being a little shit, we love Eddie being his tsundere self, and we love that Eddie canonically has a soft spot for the nickname:
“Man, he had hated it when Richie called him Eds... but he had sort of liked it, too.” (King 374)
We also love (or hate) that “Eds” factors into Eddie and Richie’s final exchange in the novel:
“But there was something else [Eddie] had to say [before he died]. / ‘Richie,’ he whispered. / ‘What?’ Richie was down on his hands and knees, staring at him desperately. / ‘Don’t call me Eds,’ he said, and smiled. He raised his left hand slowly and touched Richie’s cheek. Richie was crying. ‘You know I... I...’ Eddie closed his eyes, thinking how to finish, and while he was still thinking it over he died.” (King 1386)
(A.k.a. the scene that nearly made me throw my Kindle across the room.)
This ties into a broader theme with Eddie that I only began noticing when I started compiling my notes for this meta – his thoughts, when connected to other men, queerness, or sex, often go unfinished. He cuts them off before they stray somewhere that makes him nervous (the thought of Richie giving him an asthma attack), before they stray anywhere at all (the memory of Patrick and Henry making him yearn for Myra, not wanting to think about blowjobs), or before they even become thoughts (not daring to question his mother’s homophobic comments). And here, when he has to say one thing before he dies, when he’s finally allowing himself to conclude a sentimental, intimate thought that he doesn’t even know how to word... he’s cut off one last time.
And we don’t know what he was going to say. We can speculate, we can infer, but we don’t know, just as we will never know what “Richie Tozier would”.
Richie Tozier seems to know, though. When he realizes they’ll have to leave Eddie’s body behind, he kisses Eddie’s cheek (just as Eddie touched his in his final moments, and in contrast to the way he used to pinch them) and...:
“Richie got up and turned toward the door. ‘Fuck you, Bitch!’ he cried suddenly, and kicked the door shut with his foot. It made a solid chukking sound as it closed and latched. / ‘Why’d you do that?’ Beverly asked. / ‘I don’t know,’ Richie said, but he knew well enough.” (King 1427)
Richie’s shutting the door on Pennywise and the sewers and the whole horrible tragedy of it all, yes. But he’s also furious with the grief of losing Eddie, and shutting the door that will now forever separate Eddie’s final resting place from the hole where he died. Bev’s question allows Richie to do just what Eddie did, too – keep it quiet, cut it off, not acknowledge what he’s avoiding or what he’s just lost. Still, he knows well enough.
PART VI – CONCLUSION
I don’t know for sure that King intended for Eddie to be closeted, but I think he did. He’s gone on the record that he believes in leaving stuff like this for the reader to figure out. There are a lot of scenes, a lot of small moments, that suggest that Eddie is gay, and while many of them make sense without that reading, the entirety of the picture they paint does not. I’m partial to Reddie, and as I’ve demonstrated above, I believe there is a lot of textual evidence to support the theory that they had feelings for each other. Eddie’s death alone, and the fact that the last thing he had to say needed to be addressed to Richie while Eddie held his face in his hands, is... a LOT. But I’ll be honest – my loyalty is to queer!Eddie on its own.
If Eddie Kaspbrak is gay, then his story is ten times more heartbreaking. It’s a story of fear, not just of the supernatural but of the very real hatred and pain he would have faced being openly gay in Derry. It’s a story of fearing that something inside of him was rotten and sick and sinful, and that one of his closest friends in the world thought so too. It’s a story of self-loathing. And it’s a story without an end, because Eddie could never let himself think of how to finish admitting what he needed to admit to himself. The truth was lost in asthma attacks, in Myra, in death. In that sense, it’s fitting that King never explicitly stated that Eddie was gay, if that was indeed his intent – it's one more thing we’ll never know for sure, because Eddie couldn’t bring himself to tell us.
THAT BEING SAID. My loyalty is to queer!Eddie. Which means that my loyalty is to making this shit better, exploring and dissecting the hell out of it, and fixing it. Give Eddie Kaspbrak the ending he deserved! Let him finish his thoughts! Take these quotes, draw inspiration from them, and let’s all cling to each other in preparation for Chapter 2.
#it stephen king#stephen king's it#reddie#eddie kaspbrak#gay eddie kaspbrak#it meta#reddie meta#Aaliya writes#I have been working on this... for a long time#please tell me what you think and what I've missed#unless what you think is that eddie isn't gay because why are you here then#why did you read this#who are you
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creator tag game
Tagged by @onlymorelove. Thanks Only <3
Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!
I honestly kind of hate everything I’ve ever written, but I want to learn to be more positive and self-loving so I’ll try my best to focus on what I do like!
1. a tale of love and lies (Earth-3490, fairy tale AU, SteveTony)
To start things off with a bang, this is without doubt my favorite thing I’ve ever written and one of the only stories I genuinely, wholeheartedly love... which is ironic, because it’s also one of my least popular works. It’s a fairy tale retelling that follows the adventures of Antonia, a princess who left her kingdom in search of honor and disguised herself as a knight along the way.
Writing this story was a challenge in the most wonderful ways. It is easily the most “serious” fic I’ve ever written: I tried to write it in the style of the original fairy tale (which dates back to the 1550s lmao I like to suffer) and while I don’t know if I managed it perfectly I was really proud of the results I got! I love the concept, the characters, the plot, the style... idk, I’m just really happy with this fic. I don’t really know why it didn’t do as well as I was expecting, but it makes me kind of sad whenever I think about it, so if you feel like reading it and you end up liking it please let me know! It would make me really really happy :)
2. Coming Back and Coming Out: Richie Tozier’s 2019 (IT movies, Reddie)
On a completely different note, I LOVED writing this fic just because it allowed me to be as funny as I wanted without giving a single shit about the plot, and to be honest I love comedy more than I love anything else in life. This is number 2 on the list because I had a blast while writing it, and because I genuinely think it turned out pretty good! I love comedy, I love outsider POVs, I love interview fics, and guess what? This fic has it all! I just wrote whatever I wanted without a single care in the world -- there’s a comedy special bit in there, a bunch of tweets, Bickering As A Love Language, two grown men acting like teenagers in l o v e, sO many bad jokes...
This fic is a mess, but it’s a funny mess, and I feel like that’s a very me thing to write.
3. A Mermaid’s Kiss (AU, Stuckony)
This one was written for a remix event, and boy oh boy did I struggle to write it, but I’m not too unhappy with how it turned out. It’s got the classic ‘mermaid falling in love with pirates’ trope that I adore, and I always enjoy an excuse to let myself work on a bit of world-building. I loved the challenge of figuring out all the little things Tony could do to communicate without being able to use his words, especially since most of the fic is just a conversation between a merman and two humans. Plus, I mean, Steve and Bucky as pirates... that’s a big hell yeah from me chief.
So yeah, this story is just 9k of Tony going from “these two humans are idiots that’s so fascinating” to “oh god oh god whY are they so HOT and NICE what the FUCK” which is honestly a mood and completely understandable.
4. Redemption (MCU, Winteriron)
This one is basically a big “canon? no thanks!” fic that starts at the beginning of AoU and tries to fix all the problems I had with Civil War. I tend to only write AUs, so writing a canon-divergent fic was interesting but kind of difficult for me.
Bucky and the Soldier are two separate personalities, which is a concept I find really interesting and I had a lot of fun in getting to explore it. I also love the structure of the fic (the POV switches and the time jumps) and I’m super happy with Winter’s characterization, but I struggled a lot with the ending and I don’t really like how it turned out. Still, I think it’s a good story with a fun narrative structure, and it was fueled by pure spite so the catharsis it gave me... unparalleled.
5. Unposted WIP (MCU, RhodeyTony)
I know I’m breaking the rules but shhhhh!! I’m putting this last because it’s not technically a work I created in 2019 (since it’s still unfinished lol) but oh my god this one is my baby. It’s a rhodeytony fic told from the POV of Peggy Carter and Roberta Rhodes. I honestly started writing it because I adore the trope of Peggy being Tony’s godmother, but then I fell in love with the idea of exploring Peggy and Roberta’s reactions to their two boys falling in love... and I couldn’t resist writing it. Knowing myself, I’ll probably end up unhappy with it once i do get around to posting it, but right now I’m really proud of how it’s turning out. It’s the most character-heavy fic I’ve ever written (I teared up a couple of times while writing it because it’s so emotional for me) and I really hope I’ll get to share it in the future.
That’s it! Thank you Only for tagging me <3 I don’t know if you guys have already done this but imma tag my babes @tinyfuriouscloud @duckmoles @ionicirelia and @starxxreactor. No pressure of course!
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Day 2 : Relationship - Malex of course
Day 2: September 2, 2019 : Relationship: Family, friendship, romantic… Share something you love that focused on a relationship within the show (canon or not)!
I came into this fandom honestly, and late, for the queer representation on a CW show. A hot canonically gay character? Pining and miscommunication? Secrets and lies? Sign me up. I thought I was prepared but alas, I was wrong. I did not intend to have my brain hijinxed for months now in hyperfixation because of Alex and Michael. I did not realize that months later I would be taking probably throwaway lines from the show and building vast headcanons with them. I really had no idea I would feel the urge to write again, something that has illuded me for so many years I figured it was gone for good.
I used to be bored watching canon pairings play out on screen- it’s why I got into slash (Xfiles first, then Trek, Stargate Atlantis, Teen Wolf, etc), and even later on I enjoy the non-canon het pairing (Veronica Mars before LoVe happened, now the 100 with Bellamy/Clarke) - because if it is on screen, then what need do I have for fic? Then these two assholes came into my life, on screen, and proceeded to fuck it up and themselves over. So the grounds are fertile for fanfic to say the least.
So here are 3 AUs and a canon rec of interesting, compelling, original takes on Malex.
Falling in Love Is So Bittersweet by neapeaikea @neapeaikea https://archiveofourown.org/works/20027839 Michael takes that scholarship at UNM, and on move-in day meets Alex again for the first time since the night in the shed when they didn't kiss. [I love it when someone takes a left turn from canon. Here we have Michael reconnecting at university with Alex, saved from the trauma of their first time in the shed, but that doesn’t make thinks very rosy either. They are both keeping secrets, Michael’s more focused on their alien roots, and Alex is just trying to stay safe from his father. This captures all of the fun of college- Alex has that disappearing roommate that seemed to be on every floor when I was in school, and Michael’s roommate is a cool OC trying to make his own identity in school. This has everything- sweet pining, the joy that comes from learning new things, the freedom to be yourself- ugh it just breaks my heart that Michael didn’t make it college in canon. ]
Satellite Call by erisgregory @erisgregory https://archiveofourown.org/works/18794380/chapters/44592784 WIP Alex is home from the air force but finds he is as lonely as ever. He engages an escort one night under a pseudonym and when the escort arrives it's his high school love, Michael Guerin. [So I am an easy bitch who loves a good hooker story in a fandom. This is canon adjacent, taking place just prior to the reunion and dovetailing through episode 5, where it leaves off. Even though it’s unfinished, this story hits so many good kinks of Michael pining, of Alex being touch-starved, of the two of them miscommunicating, and of course the sex is very hot. Alex being home in Roswell, after losing a leg, really wants to feel again, but he doesn’t trust himself in a hook up culture, he thinks a paid transaction would be easier all around, at least until he realizes he has paid for Michael. It’s just the right mix of hot and angsty- and gives new life to the scene where Alex sees Michael take money from another guy.]
Commit to memory this path of fire (a tale of symphony and rhyme by Lire Casander @lire-casander https://archiveofourown.org/works/19474963 - Michael and Alex through the years with music as their shared language. [Here is the canon compliant rec, and it’s a good one. This fic is meant to be read aloud I think, because the language is very lush and emotive, and no surprise - lyrical. It feels just what it is supposed to feel like (I’m in awe at this feat) -it’s about music and love. 22,000 words that really make up a symphony in my mind of Michael, how he is formed as a person, how he loves Alex, and how music is not just the language they communicate best in, but how it ties him to the earth. The relationship of music and math is not just theoretical in this story, it’s visceral. This goes post finale and the payoff of their separation and coming together is so good and satisfying. A rainy day, your favorite album, a couple of tea and this fic, it’s all I need to have to feel comforted. ]
Something dumb to do by christchex @michaels-blackhat https://archiveofourown.org/works/18203030/chapters/43061009 Michael and Alex actually communicate and how that impacts their relationship through the years. WIP [This fandom loves a good secret marriage fic, and I applaud this whole heartedly. This one is my favorite, it has everything you want with Michael’s devotion to Alex, despite space. It gives Alex a brother who doesn’t suck (thank you!!!) It has an air of reality in that Alex wouldn’t spend 10 years in Iraq, he was clearly posted all over the country. It has the beauty of their relationship secret slowly getting spread to family and friends, and of course, the lingering pain of the alien secret. Alex still isn’t sure why Michael wants to stick by him during his service, but he’s smart enough not to question it too much. If you need an antidote to angst and want to revel in a romance, this is the story for you.]
#rnmcreate19#rnmcreate#malex fic rec#roswell new mexico#otp: hope is a dangerous thing#michael guerin#alex manes
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May 23rd-May 29th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive
The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from May 23rd, 2020 to May 29th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:
If someone came to you for advice about starting their first comic, what would you tell them?
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
The biggest hurdle I see beginner comic creators (including myself) struggling with is the fear to begin because they "aren't good enough yet." I would tell them to just start. The best way to learn how to make comics is to make comics. You can always go back and fix old pages. Or you don't even have to. The improvement throughout your work can be encouraging. So I say, just begin.(edited)
carcarchu
know your ending before you begin! so many webcomics start and then have no idea how to continue. at least have some kind of idea of the direction you want to go to and at least a basic outline before you begin. you can always change things but going in without a roadmap is a recipe for disaster
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
I would tell them to consider a few things: your desired scope, your current skill levels, and how likely you are to still love the project months or years later. I didn’t start with a small scope, so I can’t tell people to keep it simple no matter what, but it absolutely helps. Doing a short 6-10 page comic as your first thing will totally tell you if this is something you like, or totally hate. Assessing your own skill level is hard, but I try and encourage people to practice anatomy and perspective and other skills before diving right into creating a massive world. I’d encourage them to practice some writing as well. But even the act of creating a comic can help with all that. So, YMMV! And you gotta love what you’re drawing! I didn’t feel comfortable creating a story until my late 20s because I felt I hadn’t settled on something I’d be indefinitely passionate about. My likes and dislikes were still changing so much. If you can look at your idea and pretty confidently say you want to draw this stuff over and over again for years... that’s a very good sign
eliushi [a winged tale]
I find my advice will vary depending on what their vision is for their comic! For instance, if it’s a short form, I would recommend looking at different styles and experimental storytelling to find ways to best explore their work. For a long form I would advise as y’all have done so as well: start and keep going to improve. Have an ending in mind. Know the basics of character/plot and storytelling; essentially if you know the rules then you are more easily able to break them in an informed way. Most importantly is to have fun drawing, have fun with friends, have fun sharing your work
I guess sort of as a follow up... did you all receive any advice before starting your comic?
carcarchu
i didn't ask anyone in particular but the advice i read before starting mirrored what has been said so far
the advice about just starting and not being afraid is probably what helped the most
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
I was told to make my first comic shorter... but with the caveat that if I absolutely could not, it was okay to try a long-form one from the get-go
carcarchu
another thing that i often tell people looking to start is that comic making is actually a gigantic time sink and requires a LOT of discipline. a lot of people i talk to really don't realize how much of a time investment it is. i don't want to dissuade anyone by telling them this but it's important to realize
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I agree with lazuli! Right now I'm actually feeling more motivation for my long comic than my short story.( I will absolutely finish both though)(edited)
carcarchu
x2 agree with claire, i've realized i'm not good at short stories
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I've been asked this question before, about first comics. I always say the most important thing is to draw what you like, for yourself.
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
Short stories are hard! I’m often jealous of all the marvelous one-shot comics on twitter, telling an affecting story in such little time. I often wonder if my own stuff will ever be half as successful in the emotions department. Short stuff is easier to digest but requires a ton of skill to craft well.(edited)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Absolutely. Two of my favorite comics are 3 pages and 5 pages long and years later I am still thinking about them.
I think it takes even more skill to craft a compelling story, world, and characters in only a few pages
It is witchcraft, I swear
carcarchu
there was a beautiful short story i read about a cat before, i'll see if i can find it and share it in recs
eliushi [a winged tale]
I think a lot about the unfinished comics! even though they aren’t finished, they still stay with me. Ultimately if you draw comics, it will touch people and people will remember
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I've always wanted to do a short story like that but am not a good enough writer yet unfortunately
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
Also agree with @Eightfish (Puppeteer) - you must make something for yourself. You can try and tailor it to certain audiences, but don’t stray too much from your own sensibilities. Make a comic that speaks to your soul, and people will feel it.
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
Pick something you love, you‘ll spent a lot of time on it.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
If you don't love it, who will?
chalcara [Nyx+Nyssa]
And short stories are their own medium with their own rules, needs and patterns; they‘re not interchangable with longform and the otherway round.
That‘s what annoys me about the „start with 8-page shorts!“ advice. It‘ll teach you how to do shorts, not how to do long form. And I‘ve seen so many treating shorts as a stepping stone to „proper“ long-form comics, and that format deserves better.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I do see the merit in that though. There are a lot of unfinished long comics. If you have a good short story, might as well make it first. For me though, they are way harder than long stories.
I did give myself the option to end puppeteer after about 80 pages though
Luckily I fell in love with making it and won't be doing that now
But it was an option
Capitania do Azar
Yeah I'm gonna have to repeat the points already stated. Everytime I get the chance to give advice to a starter, I do focus on the discipline aspect. Webcomics (any comic actually) does take a lot of work and if you wanna make it in the long run you gotta know your pace and you gotta know where you wanna go so you can make the best use of your time
You don't need to have super solid plans but it's good if you know how much time it takes you to make one, five or twenty pages, so you can get organised
And at least in my experience being organised is one of the most important aspects
That, and liking what you do but also allowing it to change because things take time and you will change too
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
^^^I can't reiterate this last point enough
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
For sure cap! I spent a lot of time experimenting with art style before starting and I think choosing a simpler but still nice looking (to me) style has been vital for me being as consistent with my comic as I have
Having a schedule was really important to me starting out
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
I think I would have said..... MAKE SURE YOU DRAW IN ADVANCE BEFORE POSTING.
I've made this mistake, and I know many people have made this mistake, but it's really easy to get stressed and demotivated when you realize that you might not be drawing as fast as you want...particularly if you're starting out.
So make sure you have buffers so that you can post those updates as consistently as you can.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
I'd say for my past self that make sure you have.... at least almost everything ironed out for your story first if you want to make a long form comic as your first try because trust me if you don't, you'll end up redrawing the first chapter twice lmao. knowing how it begins and ends, knowing your drawing speed and also recognizing if you're just either motivated to work on it or you're doing it despite motivation. Because those are like the main factors that affect burn out and if you don't watch out, you'll get fucked over from it. have a good sense of your self in terms of your work ethic, and your writing. Art will be supplement for that writing but you're pretty good at least understanding the basics you should be aight Also if you don't feel doing your long story first, you can always make a short story to test waters. but if ya like me and rather just jump making a long ass comic first, go for it lmao
sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)
I think the biggest advice I'd give would be is to accept what you've already done, kinda related to the "you're good enough to start" advice. A lot of webcomics stall out in the "gotta redraw this to be Good Enough" phase, and it's easy to get caught up in the cycle of redrawing early pages (especially once you get a few years into a comic), but learning to sit back and appreciate early pages for the stage you were when you drew them is important!
also something I don't hear creators talk a lot about, is having a support group. Getting positive responses from strangers from the internet is a rush, but it's not always going to happen, and relying on it isn't a great idea mental health wise. Having a group of friends you can bounce ideas off of and that can support you in your story helps make the lonely art of making comics a little less lonely. I wish I had known about this group sooner because it seems like a really great resource of creators coming together and being supportive!
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
oh yeah that last point especially
like honestly if I didn't met other webcomic creators I probably wouldn't be working in webcomics tbh
sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)
It's so nice to have outside perspective both for art advice/critique stuff, but also just the general "hey guys drawing pages amiright"
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
yeah lmao
sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)
plus if/when you ever meet up with people at conventions, it's always so nice!
mariah (rainy day dreams)
Yeah, I would second that. Starting out I had a really hard time knowing how to take praise from my real world friends who are into my comic. It felt like maybe it wasn't real praise and they only like it because they liked me. But honestly the longer I make comics the more I just want my friends to like them and the less I care about what an internet stranger might think X'D Also, I watched the video on new creator tips that Joichi post in #writing_n_misc_resources last night before bed and those tips are super solid. I think folks have already hit on all of them but writing something you really like and is for you first and foremost and being being prepared for a lot of work are super important. Also, get that buffer!
kayotics
I think this was touched on already but having an idea you’re really passionate about, especially for a long form comic, is kind of essential to keep you going. You gotta keep up momentum for years, not just a few weeks. The thing that helped me, personally, was building my comic in a way that let me end it after the first story, but also let me continue if I liked it. My first chapter was definitely like a pilot for a tv show. If I didn’t want to continue, I’d just stop. But I ended up writing the second chapter before I knew it so I guess it worked out
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
I don't have too much new things to add but I agree that webcomics, is a lonesome job on your own. But once I started hanging around this discord, sharing frustrations, comic compliments. The support made a big difference, no longer having to shout in the abyss of Twitter to be heard. I know when you first start out, it's overwhelming. There's so many platforms, do I do color or grayscale? (as it felt that way for me.) The best is to begin small baby steps, write scripts. Draw thumbnails, talk about it with people you trust. Generate ideas and put them on paper. Something I learn, is finding a good group community who raise you up, than put your works down(edited)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Seconding/thirding/etcing about support. Other than that, I really don't have a single advice that I could give to someone starting out. Because it would need to be tailored to their situation. Someone who's in my exact same situation back when I started my first webcomic? They don't need ANY advice honestly. They just need to do it (which they will anyway) and learn from the experience.
sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)
https://tenor.com/view/doit-gif-5247874
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
(Again, I'm talking about a hypothetical person who's exactly like Younger Me. Not every beginner will "do it anyway.")
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
I corrected my definition, as I found out what the topic was about! I thought from everyone's comment, they felt like talking about internal feelings about community spirit.(edited)
Deo101 [Millennium]
I think that "just do it!!" Attitude is probably what I'll echo, it's what I'd have needed to hear and what I think there's probably the biggest hangup on. I think everyone tries to wait til they're ready, and it's like "you are gonna learn so much so fast and never stop learning once you start making your comic" so just, start learning now! Make changes later. You can't fix something that doesn't exist yet!
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
One thing I often think about is when artists completely relaunch their comics once they become a bit more intermediate in skill level. They've improved so much during the creation process that they feel a need to go back and totally start over. I've even run into some comics where they... almost seem in a constant state of relaunch I often wonder about how to encourage new artists to move forward instead of reiterating existing stuff. Or is the reiteration not necessarily a bad thing?
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I mean I guess it's not a bad thing if they're still having fun? Sometimes they're still having a blast; other times it's a form of torturous perfectionism.
Sometimes it's a bit of both, even
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah, I always frame it as "unless you are rewriting, don't redraw."
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I have seen a redrawn comic go well only once
Deo101 [Millennium]
Cause if it's just to fix your art but nothing is really fundamentally changing, then you'll get stuck in a loop I think
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
and that comic kept updating latest pages while redrawing the first ones
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I've seen people do that. Where it's not a rebooot that basically stays the same, just a revamp of old stuff.
I could see myself doing that eventually tbh.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
The guy had very messy art in the beginning. Not bad art, he just didn't put much effort into it. The comic just evolved into something way bigger and more professional than he'd expected so he went and made the first pages professional looking as well
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yup Cause conics make your art improve so fast, every 50 pages you'll feel like your first one has sooo much wrong with it! So you can't get stuck just remaking pages
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Deo I don't think your first pages are any impediment to new readers. I have noticed a ton of art evolution though :0
Deo101 [Millennium]
Unless, yeah, you are rewriting and need the content on the pages to be different.
Yeah they might not be impeding but they're uglyyyyy
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I didn't notice your art changing much while reading your comic but then i went back to the first page and, woah.
big difference
Deo101 [Millennium]
It would be smth like way off in the future though if I did do it. It's not currently in my plans
I'd rather make new pages and new comics
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
has anyone ever commented on your art evolution?
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah my art has changed uhhh a lot LOL I think maybe a couple times? I don't have a good memory
mariah (rainy day dreams)
I think it's probably different for everyone. Personally, I don't think really believe in going back and redoing stuff, but I also say that as someone who just spent the last year redrawing most of my first five chapters. For me, Ive always wanted to print my comic, and I felt a lot of self-created pressure to have my first book look really good. Because it's going to be new readers first introduction to the series and if I don't feel 100% proud of it, sell it to other people was going to be impossible. I kind of just felt embarrassed by my old art and writing(some of it was like 8 years old and hadn't aged well). And also if I was going to use up resources to print something, then it should be the best version of that thing. But on the other hand, redoing the old stuff has also made me really sad that I haven't been able to move forward with new chapters. I definitely second Deo. And I also think you have to know where to draw the line. Like "ok, I'm going to redraw this once and then not again" or "I'm going to redraw up to X point and call it good. I think can be a really easy perfectionist trap and time sink if you aren't careful.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
it is also hard to get your existing audience to follow the same story twice
OH, webtoons features are rebooted comics oftentimes
I guess that counts as going well!
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeah, since getting featured by Webtoons is kinda like going print; it's a form of getting Published
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah. For this other comic I've not launched yet, I've redrawn the intro 4 times. The intro onky takes like, 20 hours absolute max (latest) but I still find myself looking at it and thinking.. I could have been making new stuff :/ BUT! I did rewrite it every time so it did need to change. I should have just waited to start it til I could commit more so there wasn't a year between each intro
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
But since webtoons features update so fast I don't really mind following the same story again. Lone is already almost to where the canvas version was
Deo101 [Millennium]
And yeah wt features need to reboot for a lotta reasons, there's also probably a lot of times like. At least lengthening updates to fit the requirements
They're not necessarily redrawing it, too. They just have to post from the beginning which totally makes sense
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
I'm giving myself a mantra, don't redraw, don't look back. Just move on with what you got. There's chapters I want to cover. It's just years ago, I had constant panic that the story's theme was going to change as it went, so I 'must' change the first chapter to suit the general overview of the story. But it resulted in me burning out and being self destructive to my work. I'm going to take better care of myself(edited)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
i think most redraw significantly though
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I mean, wouldn't u?
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I'd have to! My whole story is only like. 20 webtoons updates?
Deo101 [Millennium]
Truuu
If that, 40 panels.. a page is like usually around 5
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
agreed on redraw hell. tried it and I didn't like it at all lmaO
I'm kinda glad I have a good footing on my current comic and I don't want to redraw it at all unless it's adapted for something else. still like
work what you have, if you can orz
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
"Don't look back" is hard when you feel like the first X pages are dragging all the future pages down with them. I agree that you need to draw a line (no pun intended), set some criteria
The thing Eightfish mentioned -- not so bad that it'd deter new readers -- is a very useful criterion IMO
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
if you must, i wonder if redrawing the first scene would be okay?
Just as a taste of what's to come for new readers
Deo101 [Millennium]
Do you think they would notice the difference in quality and question that?
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
rip maybe
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I've read a long webcomic where only the first chapter was redrawn, and when I got to the second chapter and saw an immediate drop in quality, I knew what exactly happened XD
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah, but you're a creator! Readers don't have the same background to necessarily be able to assume that
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Just put in a note saying that it's art evolution
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
As someone who redrew their first scene for a lot a reasons, I will say that I personally think it's worth it.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Also same, I've seen it and knew exactly what happened
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeah, it was mentioned in the notes, but I didn't read the notes at first because I knew the archive was huge, and I wanted to Get Through It
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
if i were to do that, i'd put a note in the page itself
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
That sounds like a good idea
Deo101 [Millennium]
What were your reasons for redrawing crona?
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I'm not Crona but I redid a big chunk of my chapter 1 for writing reasons. (This was in addition to a whole reboot done prior.) The writing was... not 'this screams terrible writing' kind of bad. But it was extremely misleading/ unclear on what the overall story was going to be
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
dang tbh I did kinda redraw some panels to make the dialogue flow better. But I also tried my best to match up the quality of the pages drawn the time so it doesn't look jarring.
kinda what keii said but just minimizing the effects of shockkkk
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think this is one of the reasons why i don't want to do a comic that goes on for more than a couple years (well, for now that is. Maybe that'll change as i improve)
Deo101 [Millennium]
I redrew one intro 4 times, cause I kept rewriting the whole story.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
after that I was like "don't touch Ch. 1 again" lmao(edited)
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
1. Several panels didn't properly show what was happening in the scene. 2. Rewrote some of the dialogue 3. My art had improved so much that even if I hadn't redrawn it, the next scene would look very different. 4. I wasn't super far along, so I thought it would be good to give this another go, knowing much more about paneling, page-layout, and pacing.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
do you think there's a chance you'd eventually redraw wotp as it is now?
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
Hell no(edited)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
lol then i think it's fine that you redrew!
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
Even if I go back and clean some things up later for print, I'm not completely redrawing anything about WotP anymore
I finally got it to a point where I'm happyish with the way it looks
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
I've never totally started over, but I did a ton of drawing edits (and a few writing edits!) on my first chapter before releasing it to the public. The previous version of the chapter does look far less polished. But even then, I really only completely redrew 1 or 2 panels. The rest was just liquifying wonky faces and whatnot. Still, once it got printed, I basically locked the artwork. With how long new pages take, I really don't have time to look back much anymore which is its own kind of blessing!
In that way, I'm very glad I kept it private for a while. I wasn't confident with my skills yet - and I wanted some wiggle room. It's part of the reason I encourage people to at least have some sort of foundation, so that the jump in improvement isn't so... startling
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
I actually kind of love to be startled by art evolution
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I could see myself editing wonky faces and things like that more than I can see myself redrawing! My pages only take me like 2 hours and I still wouldn't redraw, can't imagine what your timeframe would look like...
But not in your own work, crona?
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
It happened with a lovely comic called Wind Rose, and it is so inspiring
I wouldn't say I don't like it in my work
More that I was completely changing art styles too
Deo101 [Millennium]
I see
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think starting a comic is a good way to get those foundational skills though, lazuli
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
Even if you didn't post it online, you did start
Which I think is enough
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
one of the biggest examples of art style shift I've seen
Comic is still doing really well though!
I don't think anyone minded the art evolution at all
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
@Eightfish (Puppeteer) Yeah, that's my dilemma! I've seen a couple very new comic artists burn out quickly, or say that they're relaunching because of their own unhappiness. And part of me wants to tell them to slow down - they don't need to post anything, just use it as a training ground.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Of course, if you yourself hate your old art you're probably more important(edited)
hm
It's still nice to have your story read though
even if just by a few friends
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
I haven't read through it, but I know this is another good example...
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
another one!
This was intentional though, to convey a change in setting
It's kind of fun to look at these comparisons(edited)
I think most readers would feel the same
carcarchu
my most inspiring art evolution is from zero point idol chapter 1
chapter 90
the artist also got better at panelling too. also not only did the art change but the genre completely did too. it started out as a comedy romance then slowly became a drama romance
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Looks like you switched the images around?
carcarchu
oh it's in the right order on my side
the more bishounen looking one should be the newer one
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Oh! I think the more colorful one looks much better actually?
But perhaps the author chose a different style to draw more quickly?
carcarchu
uh i think the opposite
the newer art looks objectively better
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
okay i'm gonna look it up maybe I will think differently if i see a bunch of panels in context
looking it up it is definitely clear that the author is putting much more effort into later updates.
Though skimming it I still sort of prefer the style of the earlier pages?
carcarchu
i have never heard someone say that before
people usually complain they got gipped in the first chapter lol
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Can't say anything about the paneling or anything like that because I just skimmed it
Well, I like the style of the things in the first pages that they tried harder on
There are a lot of like, chibi or messy panels there
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
I'm looking up the titles for these screencaps you guys presented!
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
The first one I shared is A Matter of Life and Death!
The second is YU+ME Dream (highly recommend)(edited)
mariah (rainy day dreams)
Seconded, YUME is very good and it's complete!
kayotics
I think there’s a lot of good reasons to restart or redraw past pages, but there’s a lot of people who DO get trapped in the constant iterative state of restarting/redrawing their comic, and then they don’t get anywhere with it
snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)
It's hard to come up with any consistent advice because people have different goals starting their comic. Like, some people just wanna do a comic to get better at art, or because they have a bunch of OCs that they want to do something with. And to those people... like, just have fun with it. Now, if you have a full story in mind, and your goal is to complete it in a timely manner that isn't overwhelming (without sacrificing on quality), this is the advice I give: 1) Plan out your story. You don't need to do a full script or whatever, but do try to have at least an outline, with an estimate of how many pages each part will be. 2) Spend a typical month (like, a month that you also have other work to do) drawing the first few pages of your comic. Don't post them yet. Count the number of pages you drew. The number you post per month should be less than that. e.g. if you drew 6 pages in that month, you should post 1 page each week. That way, you can have a bit of leeway to build a buffer without burning out. 3) Look back at that outline. How many pages did you plan it out to be? And how often are you planning on posting each page? Let's see... carry the two... this comic's gonna take HOW many years to complete?! 4) If you're comfortable with the task ahead of you, continue on to step 5. Otherwise, cut some stuff from your outline and repeat step 3. 5) Have fun with it! You might change your mind on future plot points, and that's ok! Just... try to do so in a way that doesn't create more work for yourself.
sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)
My advice is to just get started. I see so many people caught up in the idea that you need to perfect your art skills before starting a comic and then they just never start working on it
Your art is never going to be "perfect" and its better to have a tangible comic than a perfect one
I don't mean that in a discouraging way I just mean like no one can really achieve perfection and it's better to just create things
Joichi [Hybrid Dolls]
I like snuffysam's advice because I have noticed there are different kinds of approach to webcomics. Some do it for fun and practice like I do nowadays. While others have a big long form series they are deeply passionate about but to start it seem overwhelming. Everyone's advice is pretty great! (edited)
DanitheCarutor
Fff I don't feel like I'm really qualified to give advice to people. I don't take art and comics seriously enough to follow most rules, so I would just be a bad influence if anything. Lol (Also everyone else has already said what I would.) I guess the one thing I would tell someone on the fence about starting their comic is to do it when you're ready. Like, I wanted to start doing comics when I was 15 but I wasn't quite mentally ready yet? I was used to doing illustrations so I couldn't stick with doing anything longer than 1 page, throughout the years I experimented with doing 1-2 pages of random scenes in stories I wanted to do, it wasn't until I hit my 20s when I was like "Okay, I want to do this!" In a way I didn't totally get into comic mode until my current project, since I was still feeling things out with the previous ones. Kinda went on a tangent there. Lol But yeah, comics are a huge commitment, I don't think it's super good to push yourself into starting if you're not mentally ready yet. Give yourself some time, do some casual stuff to prepare for the comic you really want to do in the meantime (brainstorming, concept art, character studies, etc.), or don't think about it at all if that's how you do things, then when you really get that itch go for it.
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
My advice won't be anything that hasn't been touched on in this chat (so many good vibes ;_;) but I do wanna say that if I had any advice for someone to get into comics, it's to do it for yourself as the main priority. Webcomic popularity has been on the rise very quickly in this past decade, with copious amounts of creators trying their hand at their One Story, competition, exposure, and pressure are sure to set in with this wild ride that is comic making. So what do you do to combat that? How do you stay above water, make sure you have fun, or avoid turning this into what seems like never ending homework? You make your goal you. Whether You want to improve, whether You want to explore characters, or whether You just want to experiment- such a large project (let's be real, there's no easy way to do comics!) should be handled with that initial fire you had when you wanted to start the project, when you felt inspired to lay those panels down and tell that story. Don't compare your journey to others, don't feel that pressure to always Be Something.(edited)
Comics are a medium, just like film, canvas, or Video games for that matter, they have their own process and steps. Find what works for you and enjoy the ride, because it could easily turn into a long one!
eliushi [a winged tale]
I love it Krispy! You gotta do what you love
I’m just curious. What are your personal goals that keeps you going for the comic if you don’t mind sharing?
(And for anyone to answer too!)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I get what you mean and 100% agree with you. But I wanna bring up a caviat -- some people use the whole "do it for yourself" thing to shut down creators who are doing it for themselves, but also want some recognition. It's not their main priority, but it is a thing they want and it's okay to want it. I guess that goes back to the other advice about getting support. Find support, find people who won't make you feel guilty for simply wanting some recognition. People who will understand and support your goals.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
told myself that I won't let my self to lay my soul to rest till I'm done with the projects I have
so lmao that's somethin that drives me contracted to keep living till everything I do is finished lmao(edited)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
One of my friends got told she wasn't a Real Writer simply because she wanted a readership. That kinda disrespect is not okay
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
oh dang
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
oh that is a whole different level from what i'm saying for sure
first off those people can go away lol
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeeeah
Again, not what you were saying, just... how SOME people twist the advice
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
and secondly, if you're not doing your work for yourself, you can easily fall into pleasing others and drown in Trying to Stay relevant, burning your creative drive too (i mean, if you can make ur comic and do that , good on you woah) but i've seen multiple comic artists crash and burn for the sole purpose of doing the comic in competition with others, convincing themselves that 'other styles' are crap bc their own work doesnt match up (gosh that was a rough one) and all in all, them just becoming so bitter with their work! THOUGH! this essentially applies to all creative fields and not just comics! And those entitled ppl who do that suffer from jealousy and nothing else. I cannot stand for those types who tear others down when faced with their own insecurity
and creators have every right to ask for help too. y'all deserve that recognition for the hard work you do, sometimes however, that isn't always available to them
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
yea
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
(which is why we gotta lift eachother up!)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
You bring up a good topic that's very relevant to my struggles. It can be very difficult to know: is it okay to disregard this criticism. Am I allowed to do that? Am I allowed to like this thing about my work that people are pointing out as the bad part? Or does that make me a.... bad creator. Unprofessional, bratty, whatever. I'm not even talking about picking a fight/ getting verbally defensive. Just, silently disagreeing. I WANT to say the answer is yes, we are free to have our own opinion about our work. But dang if it isn't hard to feel guilty for doing it.
eliushi [a winged tale]
I think any trailblazers and pioneers feel this sort of sentiment.
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
That sounds about right
I don't really think of myself as a pioneer, but it is still something I feel in my bones
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
I guess that’s the beauty of a self-run webcomic. You are the boss. Your viewership can give you critique, but you can choose what to listen to. You’re not beholden to a higher power (producer, director, patron, etc) to change things no matter what. It’s your project to run, and oftentimes only YOU know where it’s going, and you know how that criticism would change things.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
ya lmao. idk like I don't see a lot of stories that run in conflict of towards what I'm doing so it's kinda nervewracking when you're like "oh god am I setting a good example or what? Should I be worried when I just want to create and share a story?"
LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)
If you can be proud of the story as-is, I think there’s power in that, and it comes through in the work. A confident comic is a lovely thing.
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
That makes me really sad that you have these struggles Kei. Your work is a project of love. Love for the things that inspire you, love for the way to tell your story, and love for that process. You are allowed to proud and tell the world about it, you are allowed to embrace the success that you gain from your work. We as comic makers do SO MUCH WORK and wear SO MANY HATS to make this mainly free to read story available, and that should be celebrated. SO YES, you CAN and you MUST choose what you want to take from others comments, their feedback, reactions, etc- but in the end, it's still about what YOU wanted to make of this work, bc in the end, you are the wheel that keeps this whole thing spinning
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I dunno about confident, but I can say my comic is an honest one. Even if I don't feel confident, I still don't let outside criticisms change what I do.
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
webcomic creators aren't given the space they need to grow a lot of times too-- we're essentially producing work that easily requires a small studio to create- there's gonna be ups and downs to the process. But you have to keep in mind for your own sanity that this is still your work and your vision. If you want to explore options of improving then you should be in control of that. (we all know how i feel about crits from randos too XD!)
eliushi [a winged tale]
Agree so much Krispy. I think everyone’s goals and visions for their project are valid and if they sustain your project, then that’s a success in itself
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
agreed!
eliushi [a winged tale]
Often I see this tip and pass on to other writers that when they write their story it’s important to think of a logline or something central that is the heart of the story. I put that as my first page so every time I open my document I see it. I think it’s the same for webcomics. Find the heart of your story — why you want to write it and remind yourself of that. I find it’s helpful to keep me going
FeatherNotes(Krispy)
omg eli....i love that!!!
sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)
wow that is really great advice eliushi!! I'd love to steal that if you don't mind?
eliushi [a winged tale]
Please do!! It’s a gift!!
take ittt
Miranda
these are all such great suggestions. You people are a fountain of wisdom.
Deo101 [Millennium]
I wrote in the header of my documents, "everything bad that happens in the story is because of me, and everything good happens because of them." Basically to remind myself not to do any sort of ex machina or whatever. And also put my tagline. It definitely helps!
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I think it's a good guideline -- the "pure luck can only be the bad kind" thing. But my bro brought up the Walking Dead (I think? either that or some other really well known zombie thing?) as an example of going too far in that direction. He said the characters take a turn, open a door, etc. and the zombies just come pouring out like an unholy explosive diarrhea all of sudden, to a point where he was like "lol?" He said it was like the universe was setting it up against the characters, and he couldn't take it seriously. He's played/watched lots of zombie stuff so he's no stranger to jump scares or zombies appearing in hordes, but that one was still too much for him.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
wh lmao about that spoiler part like
Deo101 [Millennium]
Oh yeah no, too much of anything is bad.
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeah like, I can see that kind of extreme bad luck being used in farce comedy
Deo101 [Millennium]
Ahaha yeah
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I wonder what a story would be like in the opposite direction where everything bad that happens to them is because of them and everything good that happens to them is because of the writer
Deo101 [Millennium]
Everything Goes Bad Man A horrible superhero trying to do his best
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
A comedy! Could also make it a Shakespearean tragedy
Deo101 [Millennium]
Horror could make it work too
I was meaning my thing more like uhh, make them earn their good things and success kinda thing
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Depressing drama about a person who tries to succeed in life but fails at every turn
Nah I got it deo
Just throwing out hypotheticals
Deo101 [Millennium]
I would hate to watch or read any of these horrible things btw
But it's fun to hypothesize
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think for like, most stories, your direction is much more engaging
I don't want to watch someone fail over and over
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
There's also that trope where everything goes bad despite their effort, and then Luck just drops success on the character's lap, leaving them feeling empty
Deo101 [Millennium]
Me either LOL coming out of stories like that is always like 0_0 well nkw I'm just depressed
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
But I think something like watamote, a comedy about a socially inept girl, might be an example of what I said that a lot of people like. I haven't watched it though so I'm not sure
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Yeah, I don't know that specific one, but there are cases where people feel comforted by reading about tough luck in that "I'm not the only one" way. Certainly not everyone's cup of tea, though.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Oh
Grave of the Fireflies
That movie seemed more like a message about war though. It seemed like it was trying to say something
I think I could enjoy a depressing story like that if it was nonfiction or historical fiction
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
It was sorta semi-autobiographical (not 100% but inspired by his own experience)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Something that feels real
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
yeah, grave of the fireflies WAS based off of the author's experiences
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I personally am okay with depressing fiction if it feels real
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Same
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Doesn't have to be based on true events
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
his sister and him were taken in by the aunt and they were actually left that way the sister died of starvation (edited)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Hey, spoiler tag that!
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
whoops mbad
Deo101 [Millennium]
I'm one of those who is 100% not... I can be okay with and love depressing stories after having seen it and then getting time away from it, but watching or reading them is a horrible experience for me
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
My Sweet Orange Tree is thought to be at least sort of based on the author's own experience, and I think that adds something to the book. (Can't confirm because the author's dead.) But even if it were pure fiction, it would remain a lovely, compelling book.
@Deo101 [Millennium] Nothing is for everyone!
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
I remember feeling really depressed for the rest of the day after watching grave of the fireflies
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Not everything bad that happens to them was their own fault, but Grave of the Fireflies was sort of a story about pride though. A boy who refused to suck it up and apologize to his aunt, resulting in his and his sister's deaths. I think that did make the story more powerful
hubris and all that
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
so I can definitely relate to only watching short bursts of depressing stuff
Deo101 [Millennium]
I honestly try to avoid them entirely, not even short bursts tbh
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
correct! however, a lot of viewers also blamed the aunt for not keeping them. Apparently the real life aunt felt a lot of remorse for being indirectly responsible for their deaths, and her daughter was angry at her. However, the aunt was also feeling depression from her husband who recently died
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I read them rarely, but I feel like they make me more? Grounded? I liked the way Man's Search for Meaning (Holocaust survivor's book) changed the way I thought of the world
Deo101 [Millennium]
I'm just hyperempathetic and they really hurt me
Not like I'm like "I wanna be ignorant" or anything
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think that one scene with the farmer telling him to suck up his pride was highlighting that he could have been taken back in but refused to even try
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
@Deo101 [Millennium] 100% Valid!
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Yeah. Entertainment is supposed to be fun or meaningful and if it's not then don't read it
Although, I do really believe we should learn about these topics in school at least
You have to be exposed to them somewhat
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I just don't like the kind of idea that gritty depressing stuff is more realistic, I understand learning about history and hardships but it's not something I like to think of as like "the truth jusy is that the world is terrible" it makes me feel very alone because I work very hard to see the world nit like that.
Miranda
Re: the extreme bad luck/I cause all the bad stuff for my characters I saw a tip that said coincidences can happen to get your characters into trouble, but not to get them out of trouble, and I thought that was an excellent way of putting that. (sorry to plop that in the midst of the most recent discussion)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
TBH as someone who has lived in Eccentric Relatives' House under not so great circumstances, I didn't even get any hint of "the boy should've sucked up" from Grave of Fireflies. My experience may have been worse than the boy's in his aunt's house though, and maybe my bias led me to see his experience as being just as unfair as mine. In any case it's been years since I watched it, so maybe I'm forgetting some key details.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think "realistic" means a mix of good and bad
My favorite nonfiction books contain a lot of cruelty, but also very good people
Reading about people's good work and outlooks despite tragedies really got to me
Or like, perseverance
Perseverance as a theme really, really hits me
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I like perseverance but I hate stories that are hopeless or treat hope as naiive
It makes me angry tbh
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
oof same yeah
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
the aunt was still feeding them though, and allowing them to stay. If he had left his sister at home and tried to get a job like his cousins did, I think it is implied that they would have survived.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
I do like my dark themes but lmao i dont want to go to wreckless cruelty. there's an art with that(edited)
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Endless pessimism is as unrealistic as endless optimism(edited)
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I feel like there's hopeless stories and there's stories that treat hope as naive. The former is like, yeah sure, not everyone's cup of tea, but the latter is like "if this isn't your cup of tea, then you're dumb" which is
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah I don't mind dark themes it's just that sort of grittiness, humanity is inherently evil, hope gets you nothing kind of stories that I hate
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Btw. My favorite nonfiction books: Man's Search for Meaning The Gift of Fear The Gift of Pain (no relation to the gift of fear) All showcase a lot of cruelty and suffering but all are still very hopeful
I know it's unlikely you guys will read them but
They're good and I still reccoemend them highly
They are books that changed the way i think
They are also all written by people who have gone through and seen terrible things and yet made it their life's work to help others
I just can't reccomend them enough
But I will stop talking about it now
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
for me, uhhh it's from famial experiences mostly
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Do you think your stories err on the side of optimism or pessimism?
@ everyone
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
since most of my family suffered from the vietnam war, a lot of stuff they told me were fist hand accounts of war and cruetlty
like from my mom, my dad, my aunties and uncles
even like the older members of my communties so that stuff is still fresh lmao
Deo101 [Millennium]
Optimism. I want to say neither but I know nearly no one would read it and say it's realistic
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Oh, I've had similar stories. My great grandmother had her whole family except her killed by a Japanese bomb and my family, despite traveling a lot, has still never visited Japan out of respect to her
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
but since they already living better lives I see that the darkness in those times have at least kick started them out to their kind of propserity or still striving towards
so I see myself as a realist lmao
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
I think my stories usually go a bit more on the pessimistic side I’m afraid. People have remarked that my more emotional scenes can be surprisingly dark, so I’m trying to introduce some more heartwarming scenes
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I don't wanna say "err on the side of".... I do bittersweet and slightly LEAN towards the bitter more often than not! But I think this particular aspect may be partly up to the readers to gauge.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I think my story is realistic to me. The worst my characters experience is similar to mine, and the best is also similar to mine. But I have no idea if my own life has had more good or more bad than the "average person"
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
"Sometimes life super sucks in ways you have little to no control over, but you can still be there for each other, and that really, really counts" <--- is this too bitter or just right? That's up to each reader to answer, I think.
Deo101 [Millennium]
Hey you said optimism or pessimism you gotta pick
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
like there is hope and optimism but that is meaningless without the critical side of things. and I want to depict those sides in life.
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Optimism
But I'm optimistic
Deo101 [Millennium]
Keiiii that's the way I write too and I think it's optimistic
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
My life has shown me that I can escape bad things so I don't think optimism is unrealistic though
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
You can't fix life but you can give love
Deo101 [Millennium]
Exactly
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
i guess for my stories they kinda like what keii said like there's good side of things but lmao I somehow add some painful elements that they have to endure in order to have those good times(edited)
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
personallly I think stories work if you give people hope
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
Eh, not every story is meant to give hope
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Yeah
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
but it's a good goal
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
like as long as you give people a semblance of hope, even if you throw some depressing stuff.....it can work. Oh, I meant as a bittersweet story
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
But I think not giving hope is unrealistic
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
lmao I guess I'm a target since the last story i write
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Though perhaps I only think that because I haven't experienced true tragedy(edited)
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
it was just bleak in a hopeful light
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
It depends, like I can imagine a short story that hyperfocuses on something extremely depressing.
Deo101 [Millennium]
Y'know what I have actually hopeless things in my life and I have 0 interest in reading a story that's hopeless
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
ye and that's fair
Deo101 [Millennium]
And even though I have hopeless experiences I don't think my life overall is hopeless
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
i wonder if people actively look for stories that focus on not having hope because i know many people read these stories as a way to escape their lives
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
I agree on that. idk. for me writing stories that lead to an end that really don't work with both parties... could be just my morbid curosity in just seeing how things won't work out as planned for both persons.
could be like a philosophical thing maybe? or giving a different perspective of some sorts?
like "things are the same but given with the option you gave me, I can't go through with that"
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I can relate to curiosity being a motivation for exploring dark stories. It's why I check out horror stories -- horror stories (games especially) show the MC in an extremely "wrong" situation at the beginning, and I check them out to find out the presumably equally extreme "why" for that wrongness. I don't think I could write stories like that myself, though.
Psychological horror specifically
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
yeah, horror has been uh ingraned in my life to this point. and I like writing stories with that kind of edge in mind, more of the psycholgial aspects than horror.
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
Do you guys think some people search for morbid stories like these to not only satisfy their curiousity....but also to make themselves feel better about their own lives?
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I don't particularly care to find out why Mr. Chainsaw is going around killing everyone in a splatter/slasher horror, for instance X'D
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
it's a possibility tbh.
sometimes I do that but I also had experienced simalar kinds of sorts that seeing those works i'm like "dang not alone in these wack feels"
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
I guess it depends on each person?
"Gee, at least I don't have any literal demons coming after my eyeballs" is not very comforting to me, personally
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
i mean lmao
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Sometimes sad stories do make me feel more thankful for my own peaceful life but I don't seek them out for that reason
Deo101 [Millennium]
Imagine if ur disabled and that's the narrative used to make other people feel better about their lives
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
DX
Deo101 [Millennium]
Off topic but that's why disabled people hate "inspiration porn"
It's something that's really hard to explain cause "do you not want to inspire people" is really hard to answer
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
yeah, those kinds of stories I really don't like at all.
Deo101 [Millennium]
So I wanted to jump on the opportunity to explain even though it's really off topic sorry
keii’ii (Heart of Keol)
No, don't be sorry. "Life sucks but hey, at least you're not me!" is not something anyone should have to put up with
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
it's understandable tho!
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
To be honest I do seek out stories about disability because I find it fascinating how people adapt to mental and physical changes. I find ingenuity very interesting?
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
I guess I look at it more towards like how some relationships with people don't work, and also the diaconomy between individuals interest me. Not for those kinds of stories but I've seen elements of that appear in some works i read in the past
Deo101 [Millennium]
I also seek out stories about disabilities, but only hopeful ones not like "my life is ruined and this is my driving motivation, to not be like this"
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
One of the books I recommended was by a doctor who spent his life working with people with leprosy and the workarounds for missing limbs and sensation he and his patients would come up with was just so fascinating to me to read
It's something that's really hard to explain cause "do you not want to inspire people" is really hard to answer
@Deo101 [Millennium] I think I understand you but just curious- how do you respond to that?(edited)
Deo101 [Millennium]
It's usually like "I want to inspire people to be like me because they're proud of what I can do" but they're always like "I'm proud of what you can do in spite of-" and it's like. Idk just a deep sigh
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
oh yeah rip
i had that happened to me before like "Dang you do did this and you're from some a family that suffered so much--"
"uh huh please focus on the work not my life thanks lmao"
Deo101 [Millennium]
Like don't hold me to a different, lower standard. Don't pity me
Yeah exactly
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Hm it's sort of true but also if someone said "I'm proud of what you can do despite not having a dad" I'd be like fuck yoooouuuu
Deo101 [Millennium]
Like there's other things please
It's like, pity. It's not actually inspiration I think
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
I'm proud of what you can do in spite of not having a brain
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
pity has left the building
like sure, yeah let's go with that but there's other experiences other than my background and my identity the brought out this work too. that's how we can get some unique voices into the field.
Deo101 [Millennium]
Yeah
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
so yeah, I can understand rip people saying fustrating things like that. maybe they don't have a better way of phrasing it. orz
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
At the very least it's better than the opposite side
"your experiences were not that bad" angle
Deo101 [Millennium]
I get that a lot also
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
and sadly I too experienced that angle LMAO
Deo101 [Millennium]
LMAO tuyetnhi same hat
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
no one wins
hurrah
most of it came about because of my mixed idenity like I don't get hit by the usual racism my viet friends experienced
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
This is overall a very small thing but I casually mentioned I was attracted to women to a long time friend yesterday and she went full on "thank you so much for coming out to me this doesn't change my opinion of you I love you you're a great friend" And then the conversation got hella stilted and awkward after that and AG I Hate that
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
but er.... I have seen people look at me and was like "mixed baby? that's hot"
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Wtfff
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
"please no."
it's wack like u put me in a scale where that scale is already wack to begin with
it don't make sense lmao
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
wait what the fuck
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
People are like why TF are u using a cane you're young and I tell them I have a condition and they're like, what does it do and I say the symptoms and they're like :/ I get those too :/
Freak out and tell them to get tested right away
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
also i really get annoyed when I see people just.......treat people with personality disorders like we're all psychos and tell others
hey at least you're not like these psychos
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Oh the telling others bit(edited)
Nooooo
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
like my experience isn't that universal but it's already terible enough knowing that if you have mixed ethncities then you're treated as an "exotic creature" and i'm like "I'll shoot you down"
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Mann luckily I grew up in a place where that doesn't really happen
I hope
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
Oh my god i'm glad i live in a really diverse city and yeah deo....they do
we get labelled "troubled people" particularly if we're female in the mental health sector
a LOT of psychiatrists push us around and they use it as code for "difficult"
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
rip I live where 80% the folks here are mostly er homogenous white folk
and they ask me these questions that I know boil me blood
I'm too poor for cali man
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
oooooof I feel that tuyetnhi i went to a really white uni town for my alma mater
i got called a tall chink by a frat boy there
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
yeah I experienced that shit durring uni
it sucks
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
yoooo you can also come to toronto if you can't go to cali ;3
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
I can travel to toronto but lmao maybe next year
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
maybe ;A;;
also @Eightfish (Puppeteer) wait what do you mean by your question? is it pertaining to personality disorders or to the race questions?
......yeah people tend to treat you better if they don't know you have a personality disorder
LMAO I MEAN TRUE, that's pretty obvious XD
because people think that personality disorders are untreatable. And I would like people to be more informed about them
Heck, a lot of people don't even know about BPD. So I'd rather that people stay informed about it, even if it means that I might suffer for it.
What if there's another person with BPD who needed help but the people around them didn't know? And I don't think it's fair to keep it hidden when it can easily damage relationships.
Deo101 [Millennium]
And also, "why don't you just hide that part of yourself if people treat you badly for how you are?" Is hardly ever a healthy way of dealing with things
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
better be informed than being ignorant
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
Yeah...I've actually considered just...putting a joke warning label on myself lmao
(but thank you guys for understanding <3)
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
negatively changed? rip
ohhh nooo
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
yeah.....it's kinda like.....just because you have these negative experiences, you try not to let it stop you
because there's ALWAYS a chance that you'll meet people who understand
........I actually told a good friend that I had bpd and she started ghosting me. She was scared of me and thought i was...."weird"
and scary.
She was scared that i was gonna go psycho.
but I think it's important to know that not everyone is going to be an asshole.
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
it really is
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
i had a psychiatrist tell me that i probably lost friends....because i was a bitch ;A;
after formally diagnosing me with bpd
yeah and i had one psychiatrist just....diagnost me with anxiety disorder and he wouldn't listen to me just gave me a survey to fill out
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
makes them feel like they're 2d?
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
yeah and they are usually very complex and have very VERY varied pasts doesn't help that the media paints us as monsters in horror movies a lot
you see sociopathy and antisocial disorder in the news a lot and then they see people with bpd and they're like
LOOK! YANDERES!
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
ooooffff
that's not even part of the DSM lmaO
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
screams every time i see an article about how to "save yourself from someone with BPD"
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
speaking from my experiences as a former psyche major
like that can't be determined solely just by those factors alone
cormidbity is a factor too
oh my godddd
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I get that a lot
also yeah psychiatrists..........they need to keep themselves updated man
they put a lot of blanket terms for people with pds because it's easier or maybe because psychiatrists are simply not equipped to deal with people with pds?
i mean look how many psychiatrists i've met or heard fuck it up with bpd
and that's one of THE EASIEST pds to rehabilitate
imagine rehabilitating someone with narcissism or sociopathy
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
APD
is the proper term lmao
or ASPD
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
also eightfish....nope. it's a really long LONG road to rehabilitation. Some take years.
but it's kinda...a relief to be diagnosed OH WHOOPS
mbad
OH MY GOD THE TRANSGENDER THING
coughs in victorian times exCUSE me
hugs
Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)
rip this is from my understanding but if the condition of the disorder is either: a combination of bringing harm to yourself, restricting yourself from your routines, harm to others, or sense of losing control of your daily life then they will mostly likely dianoise. though that's what I
I've known years ago rip. idk if they hold up those standards today
or changed things from it
it really bites when you're seeking help and the folks that supposed to help you say like "but you're normally functioning so I see no problem ya u free to go"
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
"if we can't see it you're not injured so get the fuck back to work"
psychiatrists who just brush you off because it doesn't fit THEIR narrative piss you off
like you're going to them for help....and they categorize you as they see fit
and when you try to go against them they label you as "difficult"
eliushi [a winged tale]
Hey friends, good discussions here but just wondering if it’s best in #general as this will be archived? Just want you all to be safe
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
ah okay! Thank you Eli
sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)
Oof wait archived?
In what way?
eliushi [a winged tale]
Check pins(edited)
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
OH GOD
sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)
Ahh
I'm deleting every message lol
Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)
(And this convo is off topic)
shadowhood (SunnyxRain)
will do man
Deo101 [Millennium]
already on it
I just deleted everything to about 1 cause I think thats where we went off topic
Eightfish (Puppeteer)
Oh shit yeah this is creator babble
I will delete messages as well
#ctparchive#comic#webcomics#indie comics#comic chat#comic discussion#comic tea party#ctp#creator interview#comic creator interview#creator babble
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Christmas 2019: Day 9 - The Christmas Hope (2009)
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
Nine months of gestation!
On reflection, I can see that the past two entries on this years list have been a bit of a downer. Far too centered in talk of mental illness, depression and the like. Let’s perk things up a bit with...*checks notes*...shit.
Right now millions of people across the planet (or galaxy as it were) are enjoying/not enjoying the end to a very different cinematic trilogy. Me? I have a long overdue wrap up to attend to that started many moons ago thanks to a certain little film about a certain pair of shoes based on a certain song. Quite why I’m doing this know I don’t know. I can only suspect that I’ve seen one too many reflective social media posts now that we’re reaching both the end of a year and decade, perhaps I’m subconsciously wanted to sort out unfinished business, hence looking at stuff like this, Christmas Story Live and the Christmas Carol Musical.
The movie starts with Traci here recording herself singing a song before commenting ‘American Idol here I come!’. The camera pans all through her house looking at pictures of her daughter, soppy picture frames with ‘I LOVE YOU MOMMY’ written on them and no sign of a boyfriend/husband so she has the basis for a feel good story if she does make it on. Might need to jazz it up somewhere along the line if we’re to really tug at the audiences heartstrings but it’s a start. This actress would go on to play Vicky in the live action Fairly Odd Parents movies so that’s another tie in to a previous entry. Apparently there’s a third one of those and I’m not sure if I’ve seen it.
She literally runs into a couple on her way to work, knocking their teddy bear to the floor which they graciously give to her when she mentions that her daughter would love it. This is Nathan and Megan from The Christmas Blessing, sadly both recast. Actually, maybe that’s a good thing. Not sure I’d be able to take NPH seriously after all those H&K movies recently. Nathan is a bit more of a ginger this time around, rather than the dirty blonde thing NPH has going on. Megan is expecting and they have about a bajillion teddies so they don’t mind passing one along. Hey, someone probably got you that as a gift. Be grateful!
Meanwhile, the police arrest a drug dealer and find she has a malnourished baby in her apartment so in swoop child services to save the day.
Mr. T feels your pain.
I hope you weren’t getting too attached to Traci by the way because about fifteen minutes into the film, shortly after making a heartfelt promise to her daughter that they were going to decorate the Christmas tree once she got home from work and that she had a very special present for her this year, she promptly gets run over.
Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly; you freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, cause you're too fucking scared to think, you just freeze and pull a stupid face.
I know I shouldn’t be surprised given this is one of those melodramatic, Hallmark movies and this whole series has been overly morbid up to this point but it still kinda threw me. Here we are all nice and happy, Traci’s going about her day and there’s a nice Christian, soft rock Christmas ballad playing in the background and then BOOM, SUV to the face.
Then it cuts to her daughter, Emily, going through the Christmas decorations before settling on a angel which she ponders on for a moment before looking to the heavens as she’s having this moment of intuition.
But when child services pop their head in again to take her away, they find that all their usual helpers are fully booked for the holidays so what else can they do? One of the workers, Patricia, has no choice but to take her home. It’s not by the book but, damnit, it’s Christmas and we’re going to give this kid some degree of stability. By sheer coincidence, Patricia happens to be the mother of one Sean Addision who was the kid that died following a car accident the start of Christmas Blessing which caused Nathan to have his Dr Cox crisis of confidence moment. These movies are just ridiculous to how everyone's lives are so intertwined.
Like, up to this point, we met Traci who then bumped into Nathan and Megan, before going to work and having a young, troubled teen skip out on his bill but Patricia was in at the same time and tipped really generously to make up for it. That same kid then pretty much steals her bag following accident and also knew Sean who was mentoring him in one of those Big Brother mentoring programs.
Patricia’s husband, Mark, is played by James Remar, he of The Warriors fame and, more pertinent to this blog, he was in the Miracle on 34th Street remake and one of the segments in the Tales from the Darkside movie. Theirs is a very frosty relationship currently owing to the death of Sean, there’s no sense of chemistry between these two and I’m surprised they’re actually as close in age as they are, Remar only 4 years older. Feels like there’s more of like a 10-20 year gap. He gets on very well with Emily though, they have this instant rapport whilst Patricia is more distant which is understandable. She obviously has to keep things professional as she can’t get too attached to these kids and doesn’t want them getting attached to her, plus there’s probably ongoing issues from Sean’s death, maybe she’s not prepared to slip back into that motherly role again. Which you can tell by that dinner she serves; rolls of wafer thin ham, cherry tomatoes, carrot sticks and celery? That’s just what all the kids want.
At least she’ll read Emily a bedtime story, ‘I’ll Love You Forever’ which documents a mother who sings to her song that she’ll love him forever, even when he becomes a rebellious teenager who thinks it’s lame for her to do that. This leads to the very strange visual of him cradiling her in his arms on a rocking chair and singing it to her when she’s old and frail, a mirror image of how she first sang to him when he was a baby. This really hits Patricia in the feels as she felt distant from Sean as he seemed closer to his father, wanting to impress him by picking the sports and classes he thought his father wanted him to take. She even seems to partly blame her husband for their sons death as he switched around his work schedule to come home early for Christmas, which in turn led to Sean coming home early too. If he’d just come home on the day he intended this never would have happened! That seems grossly unfair. Even when she passed along a family heirloom in the form of her fathers watch, he was unimpressed and even managed to break it whilst horsing around with a friend in his room.
The massively tangled web of these characters comes into play again when Megan is going through some things and finds an old Christmas gift which sends Nathan into some sort of Nam flashback. Turns out Sean was holding it as he was wheeled into the hospital and Nathan had taken it upon himself to make sure it found its way to its intended destination but he just forgot about it over the years. I actually went back to check this and ,yeah, that is in the previous movie. I had this whole thing pegged as just a series of independent stories with loose connections throughout but no, apparently they had whole plot points planned out in advance.
Nathan and Patricia do interact several times as she takes the crack baby to the hospital to be checked up. There’s this strange level of frustration akin to An American Tail where Nathan keeps getting little flashbacks in his head but he’s never quite able to connect the dots.
But of course he eventually does and the present turns out to be, say it with me now, the broken watch! Perhaps more meaningful though is the accompanying note which reveals Sean intended to study social work at college because he wanted to help kids just like his mom. This seems to serve as a form of closure for her but I feel like you could already start drawing that sort of conclusion. I mean, the guy was already in that Big Brother program so you were clearly already having some sort of influence on him.
Strike two of the big overly emotional finale comes when it’s suggested Emily puts the angel atop the tree which promptly makes her bolt out of the room. Everyone is left thinking they’ve upset her but she comes back clutching a picture which she wedges onto the tree, a picture not of her mother as I had suspected but of Sean. She says he is her angel and she feels like whenever she’s felt all alone, he’s been there to help here. Awww.
The big showstopper though is the troubled kid finally coming good and, after realising who everyone is in this story, returns Traci’s bag to the Addison home. Inside was her camera and on that camera was the video from the very start of the movie. Turns out she wrote that song as a Christmas gift for Emily.
Though, I feel the writers fell short of a grand slam here. Near the end, Nathan shares the story with Megan about giving the gift to Sean’s parents and how it gave him his own little bit of closure after how much Sean’s death affected him back then. Megan goes into labour shortly afterwards and I was fully expecting them to decide to call the baby Sean but no such luck.
Christmas Blessing was lacking a little bit in the big emotional ending so it feels like this one is making up for that and then some. It’s not as cheesy as that song from Christmas Shoes but still delivers that overly sentimental feeling. Again, it’s something I am loathed to admit but it got to me a little bit. This whole movie has that same morbid energy as the other two but in a slightly different way, the first two felt like you spent the entire movie watching people who were on deaths door before something happened at the end to soften the blow. Here they just give you the death right up front and everyone is left to cope with the aftermath and reflect on how deal with it. It’s like an encapsulation of everything that Nathan has gone through over these movies, facing death in his personal and professional life but coming to terms with it.
You know what’s bullshit though? No sign of the eponymous Christmas Shoes anywhere. They’re even in the box of stuff that Megan finds the old Christmas present in. How can you make this your big conclusion and not bring them back? You brought them back the last one, you couldn’t have Megan tag along and give them to Emily at the end as some sort of passing of the torch? It was her destiny, Nathan got them for his dead mother, Charlie got them for his dead mother, those shoes have been robbed of their purpose in life.
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Keep The Watch: A Watch AU Story
After about two weeks of drafting, rewriting, shortening, shortening more, finalizing, and then shortening AGAIN, the project I announced in this post is finally complete! There are actually two versions; I’m posting the more detailed one here, but a slightly shorter one can also be found linked on Discord.
This tale takes place during the events of mid-December 1613 when The Enemy sent that infamous message. “Still here I see. Very good.”
Many thanks to @viostormcaller for letting me bring Mage Vio into the tale! I’d also like to thank everyone else who gave me permission to use their watchers, even if the length constraints kept me from using them. @starlightxnightmare, @a-septic-mind, @thelunarmasquerade, @theshapeshifter100, and @shamrockace, thank you so much guys!
Now, without further ado...
Emily could have sworn it had only been an hour since she lit the first candle, yet here she was, staring at a pile of spent matches and stubs of wax. With the wool plugs in her ears and unfinished map of The Watch’s outposts in Duilintinn before her, time itself seemed intent to take advantage of the distraction.
Time wasn’t the only force working behind her back, the bard remembered with a shudder. Last night, spies of The Enemy had infiltrated King Sean’s castle, playing the eerie tune favored by their foe before vanishing into the night. It was the first time The Enemy had actually made a move in years, and of course, she had been holed up in her room making a map.
“Stupid, stabby, magic breaking, mind controlling, kingdom destroying bastard,” Emily muttered angrily under her breath. Whether she was more furious with The Enemy’s taunts or her own obliviousness was up for debate, and the bard’s frustration spiked when a particularly forceful stroke snapped the point of her quill. Again.
Now more concerned with berating her own clumsiness than the intangible threat that stalked the kingdom, Emily forced herself to her feet. A walk would do her some good, and Vio will probably have some extra quills and candles somewhere…
*~*~*
The creaks of the wooden eves seemed to echo Vio’s internal screaming as she read the page before her. Every instinct told the mage to run, yet she couldn’t look away. No one could. The entire Watch, ordinarily filled with the ring of clashing steel and the shouts of arriving messengers, was completely silent.
Who could blame them? Vio could hardly breathe deeply enough to think straight; much less break the silence with empty words. The music last night had been one thing, but this… the identical page that had appeared for every member of The Watch; a message from The Enemy who had never before acknowledged their vigil… this was something far worse.
Vio had read the message at least a dozen times in the last few hours, testing spells on the page while frantically writing and discarding theories about its intent. Even the scratch of her quill seemed damning in the horrified silence. Vio didn’t even have to look at the original message anymore, with those phrases burned into her brain.
“You have to stop watching.”
“Otherwise, I’m just going to be here.”
“I’m just going to be here all the time.”
“Staring. Watching. Waiting.”
“Still here I see?”
“Very good.”
She wanted to scream. She wanted to find The Enemy himself and shoot lightning out of her hands until he explained who the fuck he was to think that he could blame The Watch for the destruction and hatred he had razed upon Duilintinn in the past two decades...
But more than anything else, Vio was scared.
So scared in fact, that the sound of the door opening behind her brought her shooting to her feet, face to face with Emily. A starkly normal expression was on the bard’s face, scrunched up in frustration at the broken quill she had clenched in her ink-stained fingers.
“Vio, do you-” The question died on her friend’s lips as everyone in the room turned in shock to face her. Vio watched the young bard’s face shift into an expression of dawning horror.
“Wait,” The bard’s eyes found the mage’s as her voice shook, “What’s happened?”
A deep breath, and Vio began to speak past the lump of fear in constricting her throat.
*~*~*
As Vio showed Emily the letter in her hand and explained the horrible choice The Enemy laid before them, horror threatened to overwhelm the bard as a million panicked thoughts raced through her mind. Yet, when her friend finally finished speaking, she could only grasp upon one thing to say:
“GOD DAMMIT I WAS MAKING ANOTHER MAP!”
The broken quill fell to the floor, forgotten, as Emily grabbed a pile of parchment and sprinted down the hall. The annoyance with herself she had felt earlier was nothing compared to the guilt that squeezed her chest right now. She was the garrison’s bard, the one who was supposed to immortalize and spread the story of The Watch across the kingdom, both to keep everyone informed and to ensure future generations never make the same mistakes… and yet here she was, missing yet another threat because of a stupid map.
“Idiot, idiot, idiot,” Emily repeated to herself as she began frantically drafting her report. She had never grabbed a new quill, she thought ruefully, but a charcoal pencil was good enough. Forgetfulness was the least damning item on her list of faults right now.
Moments later, the page was folded, sealed, and given to the nearest messenger. In the garrison’s courtyard, even the moon seemed to be watching the bard as she sunk to the flagstones. Cold seeped into her bones from the freezing rocks. Emily didn’t care.
*~*~*
Vio peered around the corner just in time to see her friend flop to the ground and hiss out a rare curse. “Hell!”
“Tell me about it,” she responded, settling down on the ground next to the bard. “I’ve never been so uncomfortable in my entire life.”
Silence, and then, “What do we do?”
“I have no idea,” Vio groaned, placing her head in her hands. Frankly, the mage was exhausted. “Seems that, somehow, the attention we- The Watch- give The Enemy is making him stronger. But if we don’t watch, he’s free to do whatever he wishes…”
“Exactly.” Emily rolled over to a seated position, crossing her bare feet under her skirt with a serious expression. “We have no choice, but The Enemy wants us to think that we do. He gave us a choice that doesn’t exist, then gloated about how we sided with him… but he knows that, no matter what we choose, we betray the king.”
As realization dawned on Emily’s face, her tone shifted, from that of a nervous confidant to a general upon the eve of battle. With every word, her voice grew stronger as she continued.
“He forced us into a choice where either way meant that we would be betraying the most wonderful, amazing ruler who brought Duilintinn out of the ashes and gave us hope where none existed. The Enemy forced us to do this. This. Is. Not. Our. Fault. We had no choice.”
Vio cursed loudly, getting the attention of other Watchers passing by, but the bard didn’t take notice. Her eyes were focused somewhere off in the distance, reading between the lines of a message none of the others could see.
“So what are our options, really?” continued the bard, not stopping for an answer. “If we stop watching, King Sean, Duilintinn, and everything we stand for is doomed, but if we keep watching, we still have a chance. The Enemy wants us to think that he will never go away if we keep watching, but that’s because he’s an arrogant fool who truly believes we are helpless.”
“But-”
“But we’re not.” Emily jumped to her feet, gesturing wildly at the walls of the garrison. “The Watch is anything but helpless, and we can prove it to him.”
The crowd of Watchers continued to grow around Vio and Emily, but only the former seemed to notice. A cheer began bubbling up in the mage’s chest as she watched her friend raise her fist.
“We. Will. Watch. We take the choice that he forced us to make; that he believes will help his evil cause, and WE TURN IT AGAINST HIM!”
A whoop sounded in the crowd, dying away as quickly as it came, but Vio could feel the group’s excitement rise as everyone latched onto Emily’s words.
“Eventually, he’s going to make a mistake. Eventually, he’s going to slip up and give us some information that we can use against him. We might never be able to kill him or to get rid of him permanently, but we wouldn’t be doing that if we stopped watching. That would just be giving up. If we stop watching, King Sean and the kingdom he built will vanish from our lives and The Enemy would get what he wants anyway.
“Instead, we are going to continue to WATCH. We are going to continue to stand by our king, look The Enemy in the eye, and say, ‘You can wield the blade that kills him himself if you want to, but you will not turn this Watch into your puppet that destroys this kingdom for you.’ If both choices turn us into the enemy’s puppets, then we might as well be puppets that will stand at King Sean’s side to the bitter end.
“The enemy made a critical mistake today. He showed his hand. We know what he wants now. He wants to destroy everything good that this kingdom has ever worked to create. And maybe by staying, we give him power. But if we leave, we are accomplishing his goal for him.”
For the first time, Emily’s eyes focused in on the crowd in front of her. For a moment, her face wavered, but as Vio met the eyes of her friend, the bard stepped forward and quietly addressed them.
“Now that we know The Enemy’s goal, we, as members of The Watch, have one job. STOP. HIM.” The bard’s body language seemed to punctuate every word as her voice began to rise again.
“Even if The Enemy actually manages to kill the king for good this time, that power-hungry bastard hasn’t won until he’s destroyed everything that’s left of King Sean’s legacy. Hope, community, positivity, the The Watch, Duilintinn, everything. If we stop keeping The Watch, all that dies!”
Breathing heavily, Emily quietly concluded with a single phrase. “As long as we are still carrying on King Sean’s legacy of kindness, positivity, charity, enthusiasm, and community to the bitter end, The Enemy will NEVER win.”
As Vio glanced around at the Watchers standing around them, she knew that Emily was right. The battle was far from over, and the worst was yet to come, but they had a duty. A duty to keep The Watch, even if The Enemy they face tries to use them for his own ends.
Even the darkest of foes can die upon their own blades, especially if that blade has a mind of its own.
Taglist (because why not?):
@theshapeshifter100 @bloodygoldensam @thelunarmasquerade@viostormcaller @mijako98 @shamrockace @septicuniverse@blusilence0 @the-lonely-angel @acuriousquail@honestlyitsjustkenna @illyriashade56 @livingemerald@triplealovely @delphicvoiceaddragh @isa-ghost
#jacksepticegos#jacksepticeye#jacksepticeye egos#jacksepticeye au#jacksepticeye fanfiction#the watch au#antisepticeye#still here i see#quit the game to win#qtgtw#Tales From The Watch#December 1613#3/21/2019#Vio Stormcaller#Emily Keyes#bard drabbles
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