#they sound like an antivaxxer more every day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

feminist-minimalist · 4 months

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Hey, so....

I don't know how to put this, but abuse and neglect is bad, guys.

I mean, let's look at my life for a moment:

I don't talk to my family. I either am or used to be in two different wills. I no longer care about that and went no contact. Every interaction with them felt hollow, superficial, and like I was a fucking accessory. Anytime I was struggling it was "here, have money" with my dad. Other folks, "get over it, man up, sticks and stones my break my bones". Then made to feel bad about it when the money was all he offered.

My family don't know shit about me. And now I'm just like "meh, I'm gonna stop trying." Blood of the covenant is thicker than water in the womb it seems. Not that I'm leaving my university apartment much. I don't even have a car anymore. One day though.

Also, I am at a point where people talking about their family irks me unless we stiching and bitching (using that endearingly, sorry if that was a bit too harsh). Same with people's love lives. I am hoping EMDR makes me a lot less sensitized to every thing. I feel like an exposed nerve.

I lost my job over mentions of rapists during icebreakers and my PTSD response. Got blamed for it obviously. I mean, yeah, I didn't act perfectly, but they could have been more understanding. Like I had a right to sue and everything and just went "you know what? I want to fix this myself and I don't want a court case". Not saying they didn't do anything wrong, not saying I am a complete angel either. Just saying...it's chaos, be kind.

With Epstein, Pizzagate, The Sound of Freedom, I have to say...ya'll...

DON'T KNOW A DAMNED THING! Like, I think in this case, Urissa was kind of right. There's a lot of performative support. Not a lot of actual support. Still, doesn't make it any less true that she could have gotten help if she wanted though. I mean, I swear by my Medicaid paid, telehealth EMDR. I might even try to be a provider for it later. It feels like an antivaxxer talking to a doctor who specializes in immunology. Just shaking my head like...."that's not how...any of that works".

I also still really really really don't want to deal with in person sex or romance. I'm way too fucking scared because of Urissa's bullshit. Hire a cam model a few oceans away? Sure. But a woman that I see in person? I'm like "....." Like I really don't see anyone I meet in person as "romantic or sexual prospect". I am *way* the fuck too traumatized.

Even if I do say "well, I'm going to lose weight" I still fear the attention that I had from women growing up when I was actually able to take care of myself for a few years once my molesting brother moved to the other side of the country for college. I still think I was pretty asexual growing up because of the molestation and after Urissa it just became this thing of like "well, here's some connection and here's a way to experience sex without having sex". Don't so much agree with the shitpoor Asperger's diagnosis anymore. I may have had symptoms that shared across for PTSD and trauma. Bear in mind when I reported my CSA, the CPS laughed at me and my parents' response was either no response or "this makes me feel bad take care of me and make me feel better!" instead of you know? Protecting me?

Eh.

Am man. Must shut down emotions.

At least, that's what people want me to do. But I am a rebel it seems. A very fat, tired, broke rebel shouting with his keyboard. For now anyway.

What happened to me didn't make me a better or stronger person. It made me fearful. It made me miss out on "normal human things". It's blocked me from connecting with people properly. It made me distrustful. It made me less joyous. It made me angry. I already was a sweetheart and relatively resilient when I could actually have what I preferred. But after everything. Especially after the PTSD incident that got me fired, I just...don't know if I can always be sweet anymore. I really do have a high sensitization level for injustices. It's made me cynical.

Oh, and my childish family and Urissa kept telling me to grow up. So that's fun. Seems like I had to parent them and whenever I didn't know how to handle a situation instead of saying fuck off they just said "grow up and leave me alone with your stuff, that's your job to take care of my emotions and my adult issues!" in essence.

I don't even call Urissa an ex-girlfriend anymore because what the fuck was that shit?

I never actually dated her. I trauma bonded with her.

Guys.

What's a date? Because I don't fucking know if I did that with Urissa.

I think it was more like:

Raymond: "Hey, I see you are suffering do you want help?"

Urissa: "Yes."

Raymond: [Listens] "Oh, by the way I gotta go do some activist thing".

Urissa: Oh shit, there's gonna be girls there, let me express my "feelings" to him!

Raymond: [Shocked, but I think "this is new, let's try it. My mom's dying and I don't understand why I just don't care"]

Raymond as a 32 year old: "I should have listened to the social cues of interest at the activist event and let Urissa figure her shit out. Not that I have that drive anymore."

I don't know. I regret a lot of things regarding women that have shown interest in me, but I never thought "let's have sex!" Maybe I thought "eh, I'll try it and they're pretty and interested". But I never thought that it was "for me" you know?

Also, maybe they just were like "oh attractive, but.....eh." I didn't want to impose.

Anyway.

I don't miss my family. At all. I didn't mourn when people starting passing away or having health issues. I just thought "shit. They just..fucking. FORGOT about all the fucking trauma I went through with my brother and his best friend and my uncle. What the actual...what? I miss my Ozzie cockatiel though for sure. I miss the financial support. But the neglect? The verbal and emotional support abuse? The sexual abuse? The dismissals when I confronted them on it?

Nah.

I mean, yeah, I still feel compassion for them in a very intellectualized, cognitive way, but at the same time I'm like "on paper, you should have been a great family!"

I wanna change my name, ya'll. I really do. And I wanna move to a different, more nurturing country. But, I have some healing and desensitizing to do first.

I need a break more than anything, really. I feel like I've been in survival mode for 32 years whilst taking care of people who should have been able to take care of themselves.

#gpg #goldenphoenixgirl #trauma #ptsd #recovery #narcissistic abuse #male rape victims #male abuse victim #asexual

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billdecker · 2 years

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darren came from home hospital this afternoon. obviously i’m over the moon but the stress i’m feeling is just something else.

he’s well within himself, but very sore. his shaved stomach looks like when a cartoon character gets in a tangle with a lawnmower and it shaves a big strip out of their hair/fur. just this bald swollen stomach compared to his hair chest which made me laugh. it wasn’t a standard hernia but what the surgeon called ‘a knuckle of fat’ that had popped through. made me think of the adipose in doctor who.

i am so tired beyond belief. i’ve managed to get some sleep this evening but before that i’d managed about 4 hours out of the past 48.

my in-laws have suddenly become antivaxxers (my mother-in-law has an itchy scalp despite her gp saying itch skin is a side effect of her blood thinners, and d’s mum, sis, and step-dad are all convinced it’s the vaccine looooooool) and are trying to blame the hernia on that. D’s dad is literally dying at the moment and D had planned to go to see him but that’s now cancelled yet again. over the past couple of years D’s dad has had several big strokes and is in hospital every couple of days with pneumonia. d’s not been able to see him since before covid because every time he tries to organise a visit something happens (lockdowns, his dad having another stroke). we’re in stoke and his dad is all the way down in somerset. before D got admitted we were literally planning a sudden visit for him to just drop everything and go so they can have a goodbye. now he’s can’t do that.

i’m struggling. i just realised i forgot to do the dishes and clean cecil’s litter tray so i had a cry. they will be top of my list for the morning before my dad nips around to take darren to the GP to get his dressing changed. D’s been signed off for 6 weeks. I know it won’t always be as bad as this but i’m already panicking about how i’m going to cope.

i’m glad i told my parents about my potential autism/adhd before this (literally two days before) because they’ve been so much more understanding about what i can and can not put my energy towards. i know if i ask them to help me hoover the flat they will no question, i just don’t wanna have to ask them. i’m not good with hoovers. the sound is a lot and they get tangled and that makes me stressed.

your comments here were so lovely yesterday and genuinely got me through the rest of the day. i didn’t really expect it. i’m not very open her about my life and my daily struggles as i used to be. forgive me for not replying to them all. my head is a mess.

i just feel really lonely. just makes me realise that despite my family what few friends i have. my best mate is ill at the moment and hasn’t read my messages (she’s got several exhaustive disorders and is basically having a breakdown). i’ve had one other friend check in on me. it’s not that i really want more or that i crave attention, i just feel lonely. i have no friends locally, just my family. my best friend lives in bristol, and my other friend is in america.

one positive thing is that despite the stress i have not binge ate. i have kept my disordered eating in check. it’s taken a lot to do so but i’ve done it.

i haven’t used this place as any kind of diary or to let out my thoughts for donkeys years, so thanks for giving me that space and being so kind. i really feel like i’m rambling so i’m gonna go now and sorry for this essay. i’m going to try to get some more sleep.

#2022 #this needs a tag #the sudden hernia scenario #there you go

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generalthirstclub · 5 years

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what your smash main says about you, written by an obsessive smash fan who doesn't know anything about half of the characters on the roster

mario: you sleep well every night. How

donkey kong: you don't really know much about this game but you're trying your best

link: i don't know man you just like legend of zelda

samus: you're a lesbian

dark samus: you're a really sexy lesbian

yoshi: you think dinosaurs are really cool

kirby: you're a fucking baby!!!

fox: you don't know anything about star fox but it intrigues you cause you're a furry

pikachu: you're just here for the pokemon rep

luigi: you're perfect in every way here's my credit card number

ness: whenever you lose a stock you make a joke about sans undertale getting killed

captain falcon: you parrot his lines, accent included, whenever he says anything

jigglypuff: actually i've got nothing on this one sorry

peach: i diagnose you with femme lesbian

daisy: same as peach but daisier

bowser: monsterfucker

ice climbers: you have a really strong opinion on whether nana and popo are siblings or lovers or what and you get into arguments with people about it

sheik: youre a trans icon

zelda: you just think shes pretty

dr mario: you have a medical kink

pichu: you like beating the shit out of people with the objectively worst character in the game cause it makes you very epic.

falco: uhhhh bird

marth: i dunno man. i don't know shit about fire emblem

lucina: youd main marth but youre too busy thinking girls are pretty

young link: why do you main young link

ganondorf: you like to Whack

mewtwo: you like pokemon but youre a little more familiar with the other franchises in smash than the pikachu main

roy: listen i have no fucking idea

chrom: EVERYTHING is chrome in the future!

mr game and watch: you're gay and also you're kin with me cos that's my main

meta knight: you adore kirby games and you may or may not have a thing for spanish accents

pit: you've never played a kid icarus game in your life but you think the concept is cool

dark pit: you're edgy

zero suit samus: no offense but you're probably a straight man. if not then you're the coolest person ever

wario: you are so brave.

snake: i don't know man

ike: which one is ike again??? i don't fuckjn know. all the animesy boys blend together. send help

pokémon trainer: youve been playing pokemon since you were in diapers and you know every single move and ability

diddy kong: you are here for blood

lucas: listen i don't know earthbound. i

sonic: uh.... meow?

dedede: every day you wake up and you look in the mirror and you softly whisper "ah need a monster to clobber dat dere kirby."

olimar: you think pikmin are cute and you cry when any of them die

lucario: ah. the age old furry pokémon fan

rob: you really like chunky 90s computers

toon link: you're the gay legend of zelda fan

wolf: you eat your cereal dry

villager: you're tired of the murderous villager meme but you still partake in it whenever you land a good hit

mega man: you like clicking the chip over and over to make the announcer say MEGAMEGAMEGAMEGAMEGAMAAAN

wii fit trainer: either you're nostalgic for wii fit or you're an antivaxxer

rosalina: you always liked rosalina better than peach or daisy growing up and now you are physically transforming into her

little mac: you own a small apple computer. :0)

greninja: you think his froggy sounds are funny

palutena: You Gotta Have Green Hair

pac-man: you are trans and you like peanut butter

robin: robin

shulk: you just like his accent

bowser jr: you love the way the announcer goes BOWSER! ...JUNIOR?

duck hunt: either you think the dog is cute or you like making da cunt jokes

ryu: youre gay

ken: youre gayer

cloud: your motivation to win is knowing what a groove your victory jingle is.

corrin: ????????

bayonetta: youre either a really kinky lesbian desperately searching for a purpose in life or you just think she's neat

inkling: you have never gone a day in your life without playing splatoon

ridley: you have a monsterfucker problem. you and the bowser main can bond over this you see

simon: your name really is simon. im sorry.

richter: you don't sleep

k rool: you think that lord licorice from candyland is sexy

isabelle: you just really like animal crossing!! you're a good wholesome person have a nice day

incineroar: you were a pro wrestler in a past life. he's trying to escape your body. you need an exorcist

piranha plant: you always let kirby swallow you cause he looks so adorable in his little plant outfit

joker: i diagnose you with HORNY

mii: chaotic neutral

#long post

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troger · 4 years

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Two grandmas from the future

“Grandma, did people really not wear masks when you were a kid?”

“No, they didn't. People didn't start wearing masks until I was 33, in 2020. Reuben, your daddy, was 4 when it all started.”

Bobby wrinkles his nose at me and picks up his mask by the door.

“You mean you didn't wear a mask at ALL?!” He says, swinging his around on his finger.

“No, not ever.” I say.

“But how did you stay safe?” Bobby says, setting his mask down.

“Oh, we got sick a lot. Your daddy had the flu when he was 3. It was scary, but he pulled through. He's had his share of colds as a child.”

“That's scary. It's bad to get sick.”

I stop, and think. Is it time? Yes, it must be time. Bobby will be eight soon, and there are things he needs to know. Things it might not be safe for his father or his mother to talk about, things that are safer shared from an older mouth.

I snuggle him up on the couch and try to think of where to begin.

“Now Bobby. I'm going to tell you some things. I want to you to hold these things inside of you and don't talk about them to anyone else, you hear? Some of these ideas can be misunderstood if the wrong person hears them.”

I think he understands. I hope he understands.

“Back in 2020 there was a virus. You probably learned about it in school.”

“Covid 19.” Bobby says. He isn't smiling. “I did.”

“Yes, Covid 19. That was when everything changed.”

“Is that why you had to go to jail, Grandma?”

Now my heart sinks. He's getting ahead of me.

“No, not really.” I say.

“Daddy says you had to go to jail when he was little and he missed you a lot.”

I feel tears prick the edges of my vision, but I blink them away.

“Yes, you see, Grandma didn't like vaccines. I didn't want to vaccinate my children, but a few years after covid-19 we lost the right to choose things like that. But Grandma didn't give up. I fought for the right to keep Reuben and Rebekah free from vaccines, so I went to jail for awhile. It was hard for your daddy, he missed me a lot.”

Bobby holds my hand, and I remember another little boy, so many years ago who also sat on this couch and held my hand. And I remember his tears as the police took me away from him. I don't want to remember this.

“But vaccines are good for you, Grandma. They keep you safe. We learned about them in school.”

I sigh.

“That's what they say.” I say. “Yet, back when I was a kid, sometime people died after they were vaccinated. Sometimes people were damaged by the vaccines. And we still don't know what is in them. No one will tell us.”

I turn to look into Bobby's eyes. “People still are damaged by vaccines now. Just no one talks about it.”

Bobby scrunches his eyes up. He's trying so hard to wrap his mind around my words.

“The world was a very different place when I grew up.” I say. “We had coins, like the ones in my collection. We spent those coins as money, instead of using the chips we have today. No one wore masks and you didn't have to get vaccinated if you didn't want too. Parents could teach their kids at home if they wanted, and school wasn't year round. You could think what you wanted, no one was arrested for speaking their mind. People met in churches to sing to God.”

Bobby still looks confused. I wonder if he can even picture a world like I am describing. I wonder if he can even understand.

“Kids played together in the streets. We had birthday parties where people would come to your house and hang out. I could hug my friends whenever I wanted.” Now I am getting a bit choked up. It must be my age. I'll be 76 this January.

I swallow.

“Now, Bobby dear, don't go repeating anything I've told you. Keep it hidden in your heart, like the verses we learn over breakfast.”

“Like the bible under the planks in the shed?” He asks. I nod, yes, like the bible hidden in the shed.

Bobby slips from my side. I let him go, hearing the legos tinkle from the other room. The legos his dad collected as a kid.

I sit for awhile, thinking back. Times sure have changed. I don't think they have changed for the better, no matter what the government says. I wonder what other things will change, before my bones go into the Earth. Soon the memories of that other world, that world of freedom and breath... will be buried in my tomb with me. And only the young will remember.

If they can.

“Granny, is it true that some people refused to wear masks during the COVID-19 Pandemic?”

This was the question that my wide-eyed pre-teen granddaughter asked me one day when she visited me on her way home from school.

My granddaughter often surprised me with such questions about the past. She was a precocious child and hungry for knowledge, we had a special bond given my history in academics. Our philosophical conversations were some of the best I’d ever had even though the child was still so young - it was refreshing to appreciate the perspective of a younger generation and she had reverence for those of the older generations.

I cautiously asked her what else she had learned about that point in history and the few decades immediately preceding it. She rolled her eyes at me in annoyance.

“Granny, you’re going to tell it your own way anyway so just answer the question.”

I chuckled. The kid cracked me up.

“Ok. Back at the turn of the century, we were riding a rollercoaster of increasing height as far as human achievement from a technological perspective was concerned. But for every technological advancement or medical breakthrough, there were those that lauded the achievements and those who proclaimed that the end of days was fast approaching. Religious dogma and scientific discovery were at odds and many people couldn't discern what information should be trusted.” I paused, checking her expression.

Her brow furrowed, “You mean people that think that scientists think that they’re gods?”

“Not quite. It was more to do with people becoming confused about what to believe, what the media and the scientists were saying, what the Bible said, what wasn’t being said in the news. So many people had access to the internet across the world, it was a novelty then, and when it became accessible from your phone! Oh boy! People started wanting to double check things, especially if they didn’t agree with the message. The internet often brought like-minded people together. And, as you know...”

“Fools seldom differ?” She smiled.

“Exactly. One conspiracy bore another, until eventually fact, opinion and fantasy were so irretrievably mingled that even those of sound mind and education could fall prey to a well worded propaganda piece, abandoning previously applied logic and developed critical thinking skills.”

“You mean like when you had to tell off your dad about being scared of GMOs?” She asked.

I nodded. Then continued. “Another factor was the disparity between the rich and the poor. It was vast, so vast that the figurative gorge dividing wealth and poverty couldn't be filled even if all the tears ever shed or blood spilt in human history were to be poured into the void. Many of the wealthier people, having easy access to so much information and considering themselves to be clever based on their statuses, started to oppose the status quo. They thought that they knew better than doctors and scientists because they weren’t fooled by the mainstream media or paid off by big pharmaceutical companies.”

“Oh. Antivaxxers, right?” She said, twisting her mouth in a combination of irritation and amusement.

“Yes, antivaxxers.” I replied. She took a deep breath, anticipating an oft-repeated spiel. “But, not only antivaxxers. There were a lot of people who thought that they knew better. There were people who thought the earth was flat. People that thought that drinking urine could promote health and immunity. So when people were told that they had to wear masks to try reduce the spread of COVID-19, these people who thought that they knew better said that they wouldn’t wear masks. We were in an age where there was so much knowledge and so very little insight and education. Something I learnt early on when doing my doctoral thesis was that academics is about balance.”

“Like balancing equations?” She interjected.

“Well, balancing equations is very important for a lot of science, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Balance between being confident and humble in your knowledge. A good academic should be able to promote their work and knowledge, but also ready to accept their knowledge gaps and constructive criticism. So here’s where I’ll let you in on a shocking detail during the story - at the beginning of the pandemic - I didn’t wear a mask!”

“What?!” She gasped, horrified that I could say such a thing.

“You heard me,” I smiled. “But don’t judge me too harshly. At the beginning of the pandemic, there were mixed views on wearing masks. A lot of people thought that they should wear masks to protect themselves from becoming infected. They put supply of protective gear in jeopardy for people who really needed it, like healthcare workers. A lot of people also didn’t know how to apply the masks or would regularly adjust and touch them, making it far less effective to serve as any kind of protection. But as the virus kept spreading, with a lot of people not showing symptoms of being sick, the message changed. Everyone was asked to wear masks. Not to protect themselves from infection, but to reduce spread of the virus in case they were infected. And then, then I wore my mask. It was a mark of respect to others around me that I would try to reduce their risk of being infected in case I was sick. Does that make sense?” I asked, seeing that her expression had relaxed from its horrified position.

“Ok, so you realised that you hadn’t got the full story and then listened when you did?” She asked.

“Yes”, I nodded.

“But why did other people still not wear masks?” Her brow furrowed again.

“As I said, a lot of people thought that they were very clever. Instead of acknowledging their great privilege to have access to the very best preventative and curative healthcare, they felt that they were oppressed by the requirement to comply with the recommendations and guidelines of healthcare organisations. They invoked that such stipulations were violations of their human rights for free choice.” I said, shaking my head.

“How could people be so selfish?” She said, more to herself than to me.

“My darling, people created oppression where there was privilege as a means of justifying their victim mentalities. They claimed that wearing a mask caused carbon monoxide poisoning. Some even claimed that it resulted in drying out of nasal passages to cause damage to the nose. It was like antivaxxers all over again, blaming unrelated issues on things that they objected to or didn’t want to take responsibility for. Now, if masks caused so much damage, surely surgeons would be severely impacted from wearing masks so much? When your great granny broke her leg, her surgery lasted for hours on end. Her surgeon was an older doctor, he retired about 2 years after he treated her. How could he practice for so many years, as a top orthopedic surgeon if he was suffering the effects of carbon monoxide poisoning every time he walked into an operating room?”

“People are selfish. And stupid. Liars.” She said, visibly annoyed.

“Exactly, my dear. Sometimes we need to do things we don’t like or that require effort so that other people aren’t harmed. Things like not throwing medicine into the sewer. Asking people if they have allergies if you’re cooking food for them. Putting shopping trolleys away and not leaving them on walkways where people in wheelchairs might have their way blocked...”

“Getting vaccinated?” She added, raising her eyebrows at me in that knowing way.

“Getting vaccinated.” I agreed. “It’s about social responsibility. A minor inconvenience for you should not be justification to deliberately put other people at risk. It’s about respecting everyone’s rights and not just your own. Do you understand, sweetheart?” I asked, drawing her close to hug her to my side.

“Yes, Granny. But it still upsets me how many people don’t understand.” She said, putting her head on my shoulder.

“I know. But what’s important to me is that you understand. And that you’ll be a good person and make sure that your children understand when people like me aren’t around anymore to help them understand.” I said, patting her hand.

“I will, Granny.”

#covid19 #story

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homesickstars · 7 years

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ten days of eos 10: day three: favorite episode

okay as a person with autism who hates antivaxxers with a burning passion, antivax is really important to me, especially with a character like ryan who is so heavily coded as autistic. so, here’s a little deleted scene ficlet under the cut:

The flood of passengers courses through the airlock doors the minute they open. Jane makes another comment on the size of it all, but the sounds around them are dulled by the cloud of noise in Ryan’s head.

Somehow, in all the cacophony, the real hum buzzes around in his brain. It feels like a scribble of dull, dark lines on paper, jerking his heart rate up and squeezing his chest. He feels light and heavy at the same time, as if inside and outside his body, like a ghost clinging to life. His head hurts. His heart hurts. His palms hurt, from where his nails dug themselves in harder with the Captain’s every word.

On a station where his past stares him in the face every day, why did this part of it have to come back too?

A voice pierces sharply through the fog, drawing him back to the now.

“Ryan?” Jane asks, clearly concerned. “You okay?”

He shakes his head, then nods. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

She’s quiet for a second, before blurting out, “Do you have one of those developmental disorder things?”

Her eyes widen in horror the moment she says it, and she slaps a hand across her mouth. “Oh my God, Ryan, I’m sorry, that just sort of came out, I didn’t think-”

“Yeah,” he answers quietly.

Jane is stunned into silence. As is to supplement, he adds, “Asperger’s.”

“I’m sorry,” Jane says after a moment. “God, this must be so awful for you.”

Ryan nods. “It was the sort of thing anyone could kind of pick up on if you looked closely enough. After a few events my dad took me to that didn’t go so great, they got me tested. When the diagnosis came out, Dad made a statement about his support and all that. Pretty shortly afterwards, he got contacted by this awful organization called Autism Speaks, who wanted him to say some stuff for them. It was pretty clear they didn’t actually care about what I had to say, just him getting them more funding. He didn’t buy it for a second, and kind of told them off. In public. With a microphone. After that we just sort of stopped talking about it.”

Jane’s frown deepens, and she says, “If you want, I can do all the talking with the Captain? If that makes you feel any better.”

Ryan shakes his head firmly. “No. I started this, now I have to finish it. I’m kind of in charge of this disaster; I’m not going to let this stupid thing in my head keep me from seeing it through.”

His gaze sets into one of determination, and he swallows hard, looking out at the sea of passengers. Jane looks down at him and bumps him with her shoulder.

“Okay then,” she says, “let’s go run a disaster.”

#eos 10 #eos 10 podcast #eos10days #fanfic #my writing

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